Sex With Emily - Flirty, Squirty, And Thriving

Episode Date: June 30, 2017

Society places a lot of labels on single people which, if you’re single, can be frustrating. Emily has your back and so does Dr. Nikki Goldstein with her new book, Single But Dating! On today’s show, Emily joins Nikki at her book launch in San Francisco to explore and discuss how you can lead an empowered, healthy, and gratifying dating life! Of course, no show would be complete without answering a few emails! How do you convince your girlfriend to get into anal? What are the best places for female friendly erotica? Are you really squirting? Emily goes over these coital curiosities (and more!) so people like you continue to have better and better sex– because it can always be hotter! Learn a thing or two and tune in! Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep this podcast FREE: Womanizer 2go, WeVibe, Fleshlight, Magic Wand Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily on today's show I'm talking with sexologist Dr. Nikki Goldstein, who's on a quest to destigmatize the concept of being single with her new book, Single But Dating. Our discussion was recorded live in San Francisco. I'm also getting into some of your questions about sex and relationships, including how to climax with a partner once and for all. And how do you convince a partner that anal sex can be pleasurable and pain-free? Plus, the top erotica recommendations for summer. All this and more, thanks for listening. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions, Betrubized they call them in a bygone day.

Hey, Avaline, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. Hey, girls, gotta have a stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, Avaline? What do you mean, like laundry?

It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here, I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Avaline's not the kind of girl you just play with. I hope you guys enjoy this podcast. I'm so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, single and we talk about it like why does it get such a bad wrap and how can we actually enjoy being single because you know life's a journey. Why not enjoy the process? Why not be a more mindful data and really use the time that you're dating to figure out what you like, what you don't like,

and getting to know yourself rather than just trying to have this end goal of locking someone down. Dating and being single can be a very empowering experience. We talk all about that in Niki's book. I hope you enjoy it and we'll also be answering your emails at. We talk all about that in Nikki's book. I hope you enjoy it and we'll also be answering your emails at the end of the show. Thanks for listening. Hi everyone. Thank you so much for coming.

Thank you for your patience. And I'm so excited to welcome you all here today tonight. This is really exciting. Thank you to Books Inc for having us, first of all. I have a lot of memories, great memories from hanging out of this bookstore when I moved here like 30 years ago or something like that. Long time ago. And so thank you, this is Nikki Golds, Dr. Nikki Goldstein. And she wrote a fabulous book that we're going to get into, single but dating, which I think she wrote about my life. I never had a name for it.

So I'm Emily. And I host a podcast called Sex with Emily. And I've been doing it for 12 years. I started here in San Francisco in my living room. Just a few blocks away. Glad that my people are here. So people on the first show gave what's up. And so it's great to come home. I live in LA now, but this will always be my home. Nikki. And that's where we met. We did. Oh, so Nikki and I went to sex school.

Which sounds...well, I was going to say it sounds more fun than it was, but it's actually pretty fun. It was fun. It was hard. And I feel like we shouldn't say that we're at hard when you say sex school, but it wasn't hard. If we say that, it was not hard enough for me. Okay, it was challenging on the psychological perspective. Okay, I'm also gonna, well, this is our recording right now

because I actually am doing a live podcast. So you guys are part of that, which is awesome. You can download it I think you know iTunes whoever podcasts live so and she wrote this book which we're not about staying up or dating You'll be signing it. We are signing it and selling it and all Emily stories are in there Oh It's all this friend of mine No, there is a lot of personal stories in there. And I think most of the personal stories in there,

I've probably shared with you previously. So you'll probably read through and go, oh, I know that guy. I remember that situation. But I love that you just said, oh, this is my life, because you and I bonded originally because we lived such similar lives. We rocked up, we were studying sexology,

and we just clicked. And I think a lot of that was because we were dating in a very similar lives. We rocked up, we were studying sexology and we just clicked and I think a lot of that was because we were dating in a very similar way. So that's what's so exciting about this is I know that there are other women out there who are like me who needed a new label and needed this information and didn't want to be told how to trap a guy and get a husband and maybe they didn't want a husband or they're still kind of working it all out and that's why I'm so happy that I get people like yourself who really are the example of single-bedading to be able to launch and speak about it and talk about the topics.

Her book, she basically navigates this is what I wrote but I'll tell you because I don't typically read what I write but this is what I want to explain to you. She navigates the challenge of dating in the modern world by taking me to the stigma of what it means to be single. It's like, are you single, young, single? Can you fix me up? Is there something wrong? And I, in my brain, have always felt like,

I really like being single. Like, what's, are you still have to kind of explain it? Though, that I, that it wasn't, I feel like you were like, justifying. Justifying. Like, no, I actually really like, I may like dating, but I'm like, I'm like, being single. And now I think there is a lot of information out there

having alternative relationships and stuff like that. But we're also in a bubble here. Let's be honest in San Francisco. And I people listening all over the world to the podcast. And so, you know, what I love is that you, in your book is that you really talk about dating as sort of as this journey and not. And it means to an end and how to make it fun.

That dating should be fun, just like everything else we're doing, and you would talk about mindfulness and dating, and so I think it's a great read, it's fun, and you would get fun. Exercise in the book, and everybody should check it out. But I want to know, like, what, of all the things that you've studied, all the things you've talked about,

what made you think, God, I've got to write a book, I have to reframe the word single. Well, it's interesting, because you know how Facebook comes up with these amazing memories. So today, a memory popped up from three years ago of me being in Vanuatu. And this is actually how it all started is where I went on and never understand her answer.

Vanuatu, I have to actually change sometimes the word that I say for Emily because she doesn't understand Australian. It's been going on forever. But it's a battle. But I was in Vanu too and I was in the midst of my single but dating years and I was getting very frustrated because people would say to me, are you in a relationship? And I didn't know how to answer that. I'd say, no. And then they would give me this look of pity or like wanting to set me up and I'm thinking, hang on, I'm dating. I may

have had some crazy sexual experiences last night. Like, don't pity me. I'm thinking, hang on, I'm dating, I may have had some crazy sexual experiences last night, like don't pity me, I'm having a lot of fun. And there was no label for it. So I knew that there was a need to write a book, but I was literally sitting under a tree in Van O'R to on what I call a rovation. My brother's a roa and he takes me sometimes traveling when he competes and it's very boring if anyone's a row I'm sorry but seven hours under a tree with no laptop I came up with this concept of Single-but-dating much motivated from this idea of I didn't feel like I had a label and I felt like and I don't know When people go to the doctors or something that you have to sign your relationship status off on a list

I was always really frustrated because even now being in a relationship I still have to declare that I'm just single. If you have to take it off, you're the married, widow, divorced, single, and this is all I've got to choose from, even Facebook. My life isn't complicated. So you're married, divorced, whatever is complicated, what is complicated, it's a lot of fun. I feel like saying, knock, knock, knock, Mark Zuckerberg, can we please have single but dating as an opportunity? Yeah, you should right. I think that I think that's I think that's all head over there after we finish this now. It's funny because people say to you like

Oh, so you're still single like it's the uncle. Why you still married? How's that going for you? Because you know half a marriage is in a divorce and the other half of those people are miserable and then the 25% are cheating I don't know but that's dark. That's not a married friend. So you're happy too. A lot of your friends are happy too. A lot of your friends are happy too. A lot of your friends are happy too. A lot of your friends are happy too. A lot of your friends are happy too.

A lot of your friends are happy too. A lot of your friends are happy too. A lot of your friends are happy too. A lot of your friends are happy too. A lot of your friends are happy too. A lot of your friends are happy too. A lot of your friends are happy too. A lot of your friends are happy too.

A lot of your friends are happy too. A lot of your friends are happy too. A lot of your friends are happy too. A lot of your friends are happy too. A lot of your friends are happy too. A lot of your friends are happy too. A lot of your friends are happy too. A lot of your friends are happy too. A lot of your friends are happy too. A lot of your friends are happy too. A lot of your friends are happy too. A lot of your friends are happy too. and I had always had it in my head that when I was going to go back, I would be married with the bun and the oven.

I don't know where this came from. I don't remember who said this to me or whether I was just running around school one day and I was like, oh, that's my goal. That's what I wanna be. And yet I was going back to my 10 year high school reunion a single sexologist. And I was a little bit nervous

because where I'm from, a lot of people have already partnered up and have kids and that's great if that's your choice, but that wasn't when my life led me. And it turned out that everyone was really fascinated with what I was up to, and I was out drinking with some people till three o'clock in the morning, and my friends that did have kids that were pregnant were like, oh, crap, I gotta go home, and I'm like, okay, bye.

So it was that really interesting moment that instead of me feeling like I would rock up and be really scared about being the single girl that you know hasn't managed to settle down and have a family, instead I had friends that were like I remember what it was like to be single and a lot of my friends still to this day I find and I've said this in the book whatever they tell me that they missed doing in their single years and a lot of them are very fulfilled and happy and have these beautiful families but they're also very stressed and happy and have these beautiful families, but they're all so very stressed and they don't have time for themselves.

So they look at my life and they'll go, oh, I mist doing this. One of my best friends said to me, I miss having time to read books. She's two little boys and it's always crazy. So as soon as she said that to me, I started reading more books because I realized, one day I might not be able to do this,

but while I am single and why I can, I'm gonna enjoy it because I might one day I might not be able to do this, but while I am single and why I can, I'm gonna enjoy it because I might miss it. Right, that's a good point. So let's talk about, that's what you talk about a lot in single but dating is about enjoy this journey that you're on. Like there might be no other time like it if you are, you want to get married, you want to have kids. Like you won't always be dating,

and so while you're in it, you know, enjoy it, and look at it as a process of getting to know yourself and you have like, cultivating confidence, which I always say is the most important thing that you could do truly in your life is to cultivate confidence, but especially like when you're single, there's so many things that can kind of like bring you down,

you're like, I don't know, but family, you go to reunion, and you could end up looking like social media. Social media, right, don't do that, right? No, but really like it's not real. So, but a lot of people do look at that and think, I need to live up to this false expectation that's being put out there. And there's so many things in our lives these days

that will make us feel crap as women, as men as well. But I think especially as women, when it comes to our confidence, it comes to how we should be living our lives. You only have to turn on a TV. And I do think in America, you're much more fortunate than we are in Australia that you do see diversity on TV and you do see women that different groups can identify with. Whereas in Australia, I feel like we're very much attractive, young, most of them are

blonde. And I think, well, not only do you have to have brains, you've also got to be this mold as well. What do those messages teach young women who want to be journalists and TV hosts? So, you really only have to look around you to think this journey to being a confident data and being able to go out and deal with rejection and deal with guys that will send you crazy is so difficult because now there's so many fast, sped up messages to tell us that we're not good enough. That's true. And I want you, you talk a lot about that, about the dating process and how to navigate

it, how to negotiate through all these messages we're getting and all the dating apps and all the people coming in and out. And how do you, you know, what do you, what do you think people are doing wrong and how can they write that with all the options and the, the phomo, the bigger, the fear missing out, the bigger, better deal. Phomo, sexual. It's interesting because being on this options and the the phomo the bigger the fear missing out the bigger better deal. Phomo sexual. It's interesting because being on this journey and launching the book a lot of women are keep coming up to me and asking me for advice.

And the one thing that I've realized that maybe universally that we're doing wrong is that we're not actually having confidence in our self and our own decisions and using our gut instinct. We're looking for everyone else to give us the answers. And even though I've written a book which I think is a hold your hand guide, I'm not telling you specifically what to do. I'm helping you to work out what is right for you. You're asking a complete stranger whilst I can give you great relationship and dating advice in general and empower you to get on your way. I don't know the guy that you're dating. I don't know if he's cheating on you.

So it's like having that, how would you know? You're like, probably. I think that's a lot of people. What are you talking to me? Yeah, you should be sending him a naked photo. Just kidding, don't send a naked photo. But we'll get in time. And like, you want to see it.

Okay, so this is on my brain. Go, Tom, do you tips for sending naked photos? I'm not talking to you again. I'm not going to leave against it. I'm not, I'm not hardly, but don't you like some lighting? Don. I'm not really against it. I'm not totally against it. But don't you like some lighting? Don't you have tips that this is like the superficial purpose? Don't you guys want to know I just don't like a good naked photo, anyone?

Yeah. All right. So I don't even know. I'm not really. I'm like, I'm a bucket list. It's all about enticing somebody and potentially the implication of nudity. So I had a situation and I've spoken about this in the book and I'll give you a little bit of insight. So I was dating a guy and I think when about this in the book and I'll give you a little bit of insight.

So I was dating a guy and I think when you're a sexologist and you probably find this as well, people think they can just tell you whatever and open up and we're not going to be judgmental. There's another sexologist in the room, Lenei, who's nodding ahead and agreeing, people can fess all sorts of really weird stuff. So this guy was dating just not weird, sorry, just Rachel. But he actually, he's fine. He opened up, he's fine and was showing me all these photos that women had sent him. And it was very confronting as somebody who's been sometimes a bit liberal with that.

He's sending naked photos every time. I was sending sexy photos. I wouldn't say that I was exactly like, he's my birth canal. But I came across, he had them in folders of names, and I came across a name that will a body that I recognized, and the way that he was speaking about this person, I was like, oh, that's really crass. And I'm not sure I would want someone speaking

about me like that. So that was something that really hit home for me, but I thought, sexting is part of our culture It's fun sometimes you want to entice somebody it can turn you on when you send someone a sexy photo And they're like oh my god, you look so gorgeous But I think you have to deal with the idea that it could be there forever and it could be passed around So I think Let me say this I feel like every

The person I know man or woman who gets if I'm standing next to, and I don't think it's just because I'm a sexologist, like check this out. So just know if you're sending it, like someone will probably see it besides the person intended. And if you're cool with that, send away. But you know, it's like full play. It's like, it's like, it's time to give them,

like, you know, have a bid sheet that's off. So let's sit your set. But don't show your nip enticing. Don't show your legs spread and not the birth can canal. Yeah, I'm part of the birth canal. But also to, even if, even if this is a trustworthy kind of situation here, at the end of the day, I don't want to know what my Christmas present is before I open it. If I am still a nice Jewish guy, I can say, I can say Christmas. Same thing birthday present. Like, I don't want to know what it is until I get there. There's this excitement when you, you know,

you're first with somebody and you're undressing them and you get to see what it's all about. Why would I want to know that? But I still might want a sexy photo or something to say, hey, you know, this is the way we caught each other in this modern tech world. But let's be realistic with how it should work, instead of saying no, no, and should do it,

why are there not more people saying, okay, do it, but here's maybe some guidelines about what you should consider before you do it. Okay, things to consider before you said it, that's in the naked picture, that's in the book. Okay, so let's talk about the, so you do have a lot of exercises in the book, about women, like, I mean, it is for women.

Yes, well, so, finally enough though, I have had men read it, because exercises in the book about women, like, I mean, it is for women. Yes. So, finally enough though, I have had men read it. Right, I mean, I just wasn't interested in women because I hate to say it. Like, I feel like guys, like a lot of guys I know could probably, they just book as a tool, but great exercise to think about that if you are single

but dating and you're trying to figure out, like, you know, why do I keep dating the same people over and over again? Or like, because sometimes I feel like, we are in this med frenzy of like, we're just dating to date, or rack up the numbers and over again. Or like, because sometimes I feel like we are in this mad frenzy of like, we're just dating to date, or rack up the numbers and figure out who we like. But you have some tools in here

that people can kind of write down, like, what are my deal breakers? Like, let's talk about that, like writing down, not that you need a list of 85 things, but what are the things that you will handle, you will tolerate, what are the things you won't tolerate?

Like, talk about some of those guidelines in the book. And, I found when I first wrote the book and I want to say pen to paper but when you write a book you're on the laptop. So I say manicured finger to key. So when I took my manicured fingers in my own, my nails match my book cover. Thank you. I'm all about branding. Okay.

So love it. I got to tell you to my ass, single but eating just because I love you. Oh, see? This is a love affair. When I was doing the book, I was very much single-bedading, but I was also going through a lot of the advice I was giving, and it was cementing it in my brain. So when I was writing things down, I felt like there was this more connection to how I started thinking about, what's my dating bucket is. Where are my sexual boundaries?

Even being a sexologist, these were things that I haven't isolated before. I'd be like, yeah, okay, sometimes I don't like that, sometimes I do. But really, you know, for example, an exercise on sexual boundaries. You need to isolate that and work out, well, where does that idea come from? Is it because my best friend told me that I shouldn't sleep with a guy until I've had five dates with him? Or is it something that I don't feel comfortable with? And maybe I think if I'm intimate too soon I can get very attached or maybe you're the type of person's like, Hey, it's all go first up. So you not only need to work out the sexual boundaries, but you need to work out where does this idea come from. And I feel like that's what I've done a lot with these exercises in the book.

Is it's a way to challenge people because so much of what we feel is our choice and our right, and we hear that word choice so much in the age of feminism. It's our choice to do this, to act this, to have this right. But so much of it is influenced by the world around us, whether it's religion, culture, social media. So it's really about isolating our own ideas and thoughts, and sometimes you've got to write that down to challenge it. So then you could go through life and live knowing what you actually want versus what is influenced by something else around you. I felt that even though I was this strong person, sometimes these ideas crept into my mind and these sexual boundaries were not my own boundaries that we influenced by girl talk or an article that I'd read in a magazine, because sometimes you have a weak moment, you pick up a magazine, you read some advice,

and it does hit you in the heart. It's all Emily. No, we wrote, you wrote, we write some of this advice, but it's true, no, I'm just saying that, yeah. But when you get clearer on what you truly, truly want and what you're bottom line deal breakers or what you require and something, it really does help you kind of narrow out the field and not just let your hormones run wild.

The difference between being in love and when your hormones are kind of dictating love. What do you think in your book is the most helpful exercise for somebody as far as knowing those boundaries? I think before you even get to sexual boundaries, know what influences in your life are pulling you down, and this is an exercise that I've put in there, because sexual boundaries is one thing. Should I do it together?

And then read it that loud. That was kind of air, wouldn't it? And everyone's like, well, you are gonna ask questions. Everyone tell you a kinky or sex story too. It's so fun. I'll tell you, do you? Yeah.

So I think I know you're spitting me. I think everyone will have this. But before you get to that sexual boundaries part, I think you really need to look at what are the things that are making you doubt yourself in your life. And isolate those. Are they friends? Are they family?

Sometimes, and not going to say that you should get rid of your family, but sometimes you need to challenge the ideas that come in from the circle around you. But sometimes you do need to get out there, and you've got to put your phone down. I said this to a bunch of girls last night. They were like, how do I meet men? I'm like, well, for starters, don't look around.

Don't walk around like this. Because I, I was somewhere downtown today at everybody who was on their phone. Now, I'm the type of person, especially when I travel, I'll always talk to the people next to me. You just never know who you'll meet, but I'm also a chatty person and friendly. I like to talk to people, put your phone in your pocket, open your eyes and look around

and look for things to start conversations. If you're in the lift with somebody. Yeah, what are some of your tips for that? You had some good tips about like what in the most people always ask me that too, like, well, how should I pick them up or what do I say? It's a straight up, and like just say hi, like really just observe something going on. Get a dog. This is what I like.

I don't know what you got a dog. You should get a dog. I went for a walk. Oh, I went for a hike. I'm so excited. I hide. Well, that's what you do in LA, isn't it? You hike.

And I took my friend's dog. And lo and behold, I'm halfway up the hill and my dog sniffing the butt of another dog. And I look up and I'm up at- For shadowing. What is it called? For shadowing. Oh, the disceting. I'm not going to do it.

For shadowing. But the guy who was walking the dog just happened to be a very attractive eligible guy. And we were talking about dog stuff and then my accent. And then I was trying to get away from him after a while because this is a bit awkward. But it just made me realize that you just need to find something to start a conversation with if I jump in the elevator with someone and someone's got great Aftershave or perfume even if it's a guy or a girl. I'll go oh that smells really nice. What is that?

So I think if if you're looking at doing these, you know Conversations with people in your everyday life start with. But just get into this habit of talking again. I don't think that my community on the street are, oh my god, I love that top way did you get it from. Right, exactly. And you'll talk to me. Right, good as that feel.

I think that people, because it looks like yours, or twins, know, but I do feel like that people, we are losing the art of conversation, that we are on our phones, and it's very uncomfortable, and then when people email me, they call them to the show, and they're like, what do I say? How do I do it? That dating is a muscle.

You know, and if we don't use that muscle, like if you don't use it, you lose it. If you forget how to talk to people and say hello. So I think you're right. Talk to anybody. Just stop practicing those conversations. I were going to take some questions from the audience. I like that. Who's ready for that?

We're ready to answer your questions. I'm so excited. Why is it single butt dating and not single and dating? Because I feel that single implies that you're on your own and it's the pity that you get with that term single You say the word single and people think cats waiting for the phone to ring So that's was my like I have cats and a waiting for the room or I'm a cat Well, like you know, they think the cat ladies you single she's, she's sitting at home, doesn't have anyone in a life. So instead of saying single and dating,

I was like, well, but you're dating. It's a statement to say, you're not on your own. There's someone else that may be having sex with you or may be taking up your time or on your Tinder. So that's how kind of feel it was anti-entity, the opposite to single shaming. If that makes sense. Single shaming. There is single shaming. There's a lot of single shaming.

Mm-hmm. Open ears have to open your eyes, especially as a woman you tell that if you don't have a partner, then you're not... What's that that song? You're no one till somebody loves you? I don't even know. Yeah, anywhere. I blocked it. Um, because anyone... No, nobody is. There is sort of stigma. I feel like...

And I've had to stop explaining or like, why do you, this was a choice. I love actually dating as a, I get it. Like, I like the, you've coined this hashtag, single but dating to get term power to it. Power to it. And the single but dating women. Yes.

So is single but dating a better term for solo polyamory? Or do you think it's a different thing? Is single but dating a better term for polyamp, polyamory, what's it called now? There's a new term I heard of polyamorous. So we'll see if I was, if I was poly, I would say that I was poly because I think that that's completely different thing than saying

that you're single bedading. That describes how you're in a relationship. Whereas I think single bedading is really, I'm exploring, I'm experimenting, I'm finding out my status is single. I'm not actually in a relationship with anybody, but there are people in my life. Whereas I really feel like Polyamers are saying I'm in a relationship with multiple people. So I mean, this is the interesting thing with labels and I've also spoken about this in the book these days. I feel like it's getting so complex with the amount of labels

that are available to us. This was awesome. I'm really proud of you in your book. The thing that I love about is that there is a stigma, I think, or there has been. I think we're going to eradicate it with your book, but around dating, I feel like I've always been in the past. I've been like, yeah, I'm still single, and it doesn't power women to just kind of, you know, to kind of cultivate that confidence, to be okay that they are single, and to kind of like own it, and to be honest about the relationships and what they're doing,

but also what you're dating, to not feel that, to have mindfulness in dating. Like, I know mindfulness is such a buzzword right now, but the truth is, you can be dating, and having fun, like, make dating fun again, and that make it like this stressful, like, I got to find a partner, make dating fun again.

Trump was gonna say that before, he's in our days, but, anyway, who was in it? No, but really, like, I feel like find a partner, make dating fun again. Trump was gonna say that before in his new hard days. But I'm always like, I'm always like, no, but really, like I feel like for a life of like, I gotta go on a date and tell my whole life story and I really don't wanna do that. It's like, you get to choose how you date. And really, if you are,

it means enjoy the process, enjoy the run because it is, it's not like it means set, people like it's a means to an ad. Like, no, what if you're just like meeting and I know this might sound cliche, but truly, and I felt this way that I love dating because I just love meeting people. I can mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it's a mean, it, like, think it's an experience. You're going out for someone for an hour, a few hours, and you get to meet someone new and just figure out what you like. It's a process, and so just enjoy it. There's nothing wrong with you.

So I love that your book is taking me to stigma and helping women and men get comfortable with where they're at and giving them useful tools for continuing on their journey. So I love it. Well done. Nikki Goldstein. Check out our book, Single But Dating. Thank you everyone for coming. This is awesome.

Books, Inc. San Francisco. My buddies, my friends, thanks for coming. What's your favorite book? If you have a question you want me to answer on the show, that's amazing. You can now text me your questions. You guys text them. It's so fun.

We love it. It's so easy. You can do it right now, because I know your phone's in your hand. 7979, you have to text Ask Emily one word, ASK-EMILY, to 7979. How easy is that? Be a little warm, you fill it out, send me your question. You can also submit a question from the sexwithmly.com website via the Ask Emily tab and you can leave me a voicemail. All this information is on the website and include your gender, your age, where you live

and how you listen to the show. I love hearing from you guys. Your questions have been awesome, so thank you. Keep it up. It's amazing. Hello, Emily. I can and very regularly do masturbate easily to orgasm with the help of sexual pictures or just my imagination. When my girlfriend and I are sexual together and she attempts to get me off, it can take me up to an hour for me to actually orgasm and come. I think it's because I've actually conditioned myself to only orgasm with the feel of my own hand and or the fact I'm looking at things which constantly stimulate me to the max

when I masturbate. I really don't know why it takes me so long but maybe you've experienced something similar to this and can advise me how to improve the situation. I love my girlfriend dearly and feel like I'm abnormal because it takes me so long to climax. What do you think is going on here? Thanks Chris 17 United Kingdom. Okay Chris here is the the deal. Okay, I'm not really sure. I can't really tell you because I don't, I'm not there on the bedroom with you. There are some things with guys in masturbation where you really just think that you're conditioning yourself and you can't have sex with your partner because you're used to watching porn or

you used to touching yourself in a certain way. That could be it, but what I'm hearing is this could be a case of delayed ejaculation. Now, there's a lot of guys who are able to easily, you know, ejaculate when they're masturbating, no matter how you're masturbating, no matter what you're looking at, no matter what techniques, but when it comes down to intercourse or receiving oral sex from a woman, just takes a guy a little bit longer, and it can be like 30 minutes or longer to ejaculate. That's what it means.

Delay to ejaculation means it's an a period of time for you to reach climax and ejaculate. It can be temporary or it can be a lifelong situation. It can also be like certain health conditions, but you're young and I'm sure you're healthy. But here's the thing, Chris, you're like a lot of my listeners who email me, I want to know if we're normal. What I'm doing is normal, as a partner, going to hate me, and then we make these assumptions about what people think about us, and most of the time they're not true, our partners support us,

and they love us. And I doubt that she's judging you going, what the hell, what's the deal? Now, I don't know. Have you talked about this? Have you told her, you know what? I love having sex with you, and it takes me a little bit longer.

How is that for you? Because then you'll know. Then you'll know what? I love having sex with you and it takes me a little bit longer. How is that for you? Because then you'll know. Then you'll know what she's thinking. And the truth is she might be like, you know what? After a while, because here's the thing about it taking a while. It might start to hurt her. It could shape her.

She's only she can let you know that. But maybe you can finish off and just masturbate in front of her. Maybe you guys can do mutual masturbation. So I don't, and I don't even want to say that you're done necessarily a delayed ejaculator because I don't know. So I would just have a talk with her, let her know that this just happens to you, and it's going to take her a little longer, is she cool with that? And then also, if you actually think that you've gotten yourself conditioned in a way to

orgasm only with your hand or only looking at porn, maybe every time you masturbate or every other time you can say, you know what, I'm gonna try my left hand instead of my right hand, or I'm not gonna watch porn this time, and just see how that goes to kind of mix up your masturbation routine. And I'm definitely talking to a girlfriend about it. So, Chris, don't trip on this.

I'm sure you're fine. And thank you for emailing. Hi, Emily. I'm a gay woman who can't really get off from vaginal penetration, but I like anal penetration. I've never had a problem with a partner being willing to penetrate me annually. There's often some surprise, but never an issue after that.

I'm dating a new woman who's 9 years older than me, who's having a hard time then most wrapping her mind around my request. She says she doesn't want to do it because she doesn't want to hurt me, but I keep telling her I've already done it and I can walk her through it. We've been together for about six months and I think she's great. I'd hate for this to be the end of our relationship. Can I do anything to reassure her that I'll be okay and even enjoy it? Or is there another way to ask her or reassure her? Thanks, Joni, 24 Milwaukee. Okay, so here's the thing about anal sex. I mean, I believe you a lot of women

most not most. A lot of women do have pleasure during anal sex and I also understand that there's a lot of taboos around anal sex and so if you're a girlfriend and just like, you want me to penetrate you, like I think it sounds like you might want to wear a strap on and she might be uncomfortable with that altogether because it can be really daunting even though you said you're going to walk her through it. So I mean, there's so much information up there. You know, God knows you can check out our website. We've got a lot of things about anal sex on there.

I've got a lot of podcasts on it. But other than like giving her facts to read and to, you know, explore, I'm not sure how else you can convince her because the strap on can be intimidating, which I totally get. What if you just used like a butt plug or your fingers or you showed her that it really is something that brings you pleasure? That might kind of ease her into it, because telling a woman to wear a strap-on

and do this to you can be very, very intimidating. So I would say just give her some information, give her some reading materials, and then show her that it gives you pleasure. And I think a butt plug more than you can even wear it during in her course. You can show her how it feels, that you go slow, you wear lots of lube.

And just let her know that it is a really part of a really healthy sex life. But it just sounds like she might actually need to see it. Like I'm the kind of person, someone could tell me something, but they need to show me. And so she could in her head be saying, I don't really get it.

I don't know how you want this. But if you show her and provider with some materials that she can read or look at, she might be able to understand it because I want you to have your pleasure. Next, you know, who knows? Maybe you'll be penetrating her and it'll be just one-be-happy relationship. But I think you're going to try some of these things because I'd hate you to go without Joni.

I want you to have happy sex. So let me know how it goes. Hi Emily, I've listened to your podcast, Binging Actually, because I'm trying to find my sexual confidence and courage. I've been married to the same wonderful man for 16 years and my lack of confidence in the bedroom has been our only issue. I enjoy sex with my husband and I'm down for whatever he throws out,

but I'm one of those women who doesn't know what I want. After listening, I realize it's because I don't masturbate and never have. I've decided to take your tips and try the road to discovering me. I've ordered some joe lube and the weave I wish and I'm ready to set the mood and atmosphere. What type of erotica would you recommend for a beginner? I don't want anything hardcore, but something sensual that can get my mind and my body headed in the right direction. Thank you so much for all your great tips and advice. Thank you Amanda 38 Texas. Amanda my sweetie this is so good.

I'm so happy for you that you are embarking on this journey. You got some jolub you got the wee by wish. That's gonna be awesome. You're gonna love that. And I think it's great. I mean a lot of women are in your position. They don't really know what they want. You know, you're busy having sex with your husband, but not really getting as much

out of it as you can. So you're asking about a radica. All right. Here's some things that I think you might want to check out that could help you is lit literal radica, L-I-T-E-R-O-T-I-C-A. It's free and has a wide variety of genres and fetishes. And you might be able to find something there. I think you will be able to find something that you like.

Also, Rachel Kramer-Bussel, K-R-A-M-E-R, B-U-S-S-E-L. We'll also put these in the show notes, perhaps. That Rachel Kramer-Bussel writes amazing erotica. She doesn't tholages every year. Like, the best erotica of the year, short stories. One of my personal favorites is the story of O that's been around for many, many years. It's one of the first books I read for erotica books.

And also there are films. There's the X Confessions by Erica Lust, L-U-S-T, and then Good Vibes After Dark has been great selections of porn for couples. And finally, if you just want to hang out and check out some Tumblr porn, Lady Cheeky is a great site, LadyCheeky.com. It's like gifts and images that are really it's female, friendly, and you think you're going to find some things in there that are going to do it for you.

I think setting the atmosphere, taking time for you with these toys and reading your rodclads, you're going to figure out what you like. And then maybe you want to have your partner in there, bring your husband in and have them look at some of the things that are turning you on. And you really just need a few kernels to get started. So once you see an image, you're like, oh, wow, that could be really, so don't put too much pressure on yourself. Once you start collecting these little items and stories and things that turn you on, I

think you're going to see your sex life go to the next level So I'm so glad you've been listening to the show and you're taking it in your own hands I love it Amanda. Keep me posted. Thank you for emailing Dear Emily my husband and I have been together for 17 years married for 12 We have a wonderful marriage in sex life. We have sex three times a week on average I love when my husband performs oral sex to me. It's a guaranteed orgasm or two. I usually squirt, or I think that's what happening anyway. Lots of clear liquid for my urethra. For long time I would always stop him before I came because it felt like I was going to pee, but one day I just let go and

it was mind blowing. I know squirting is supposed to be a form of stimulation of the g-spot, which is internal, but when I squirt, it is little stimulation by my husband's tongue, externally, nothing going on inside. Am I squirting or am I peeing upon orgasm? Can the G-spot be stimulated from the outside as well? Neither my husband or her grossed out bite or anything. It feels amazing for me, and he enjoys making me feel pleasure.

We just put a towel down and go for it. Thanks, Grace, 33 Kentucky. making me feel pleasure. We just put a towel down and go for it. Thanks Grace 33 Kentucky. Okay Grace thank you for your squirting question. We always welcome those here. I know you guys got a lot of questions about squirting. Grace I'm glad that you are letting it out with your husband. It is true can be an amazing release for many women to squirt and it does typically stem from G-spot stimulation, but you can actually squirt from just literal stimulation. And just so you know, you can externally stimulate the G-spot by pressing down in your pubic

mound, or maybe you are contracting your kettle muscles. A lot of times we tense and relax them during orgasm, too. So that could also, if your muscles are strong, that could also be a reason why you are squirting. So you know, whenever it is, it sounds like the real deal. And also, if you guys are thinking, going isn't squirting, peeing, isn't that what it is? Well, there are traces of urine.

It's true. When you squirt, yes, traces of urine. It's also periorethal fluids as well. It's kind of like prostate fluids, like what the men have. So for women, that's what it can be. But I really don't think that it matters. I hate me, but like isn't it pee? Who cares if it's pee?

What if it just are urine? If it feels really good to you and you're enjoying it, I think that's awesome. And so you're totally squirting grace. It sounds like it's me. So let's not trip on it. I love that you're putting a towel down and it makes you feel amazing.

And I also love that you've been together for 17 years and you are still exploring and finding amazing things about each other and squirting. I love it. So, doing the good work here. Thanks for emailing grace. Okay, hey Emily, my boyfriend

have been on and off for years now and we're finally in a serious committed relationship. We always began with tons of passion and this time was no exception. It was the most passionate relationship I've ever experienced. However, within the last month or so, I've noticed the passion is pretty much non-existence. We love each other and we love sex together.

I've taken him to the toy store, to get him a cock ring, new loo, and two new sets of lingerie to spice things up. It was really fun the first night, but we haven't been able to recreate that. I'm someone who craves passion. To me, passion ranges from in the bedroom to random make-outs, ask-grabbing, sexy compliments, and so much more. I run out of ideas to restore the passion. Do you have advice for how to start up a conversation without taking things the wrong way? Without them taking things the wrong way.

Do you have other ideas about things we can try as a couple to get our passion back and maintain the passion on our relationship? Thanks Maggie, 20 organ. Maggie, Maggie, you're 20 years old. You've been on offer off for years right now. I'm going to guess maybe it was one of your first sex partners or your first intense relationship. I have a lot of advice about couples spicing it up and how to talk to them.

I will give you that advice and I've talked to about this a lot on the show and that is one of my main things you guys that communication is a lubrication and you've got to you know learn to talk to your partner about what you want in the bedroom. I understand Maggie that you don't want to you don't want them to be upset about it. So I really think that the best way to do it is like that that compliment sandwich thing when you sit down and you're like God our sex life is amazing. It was really passionate the other night. God it was really sexy the way you were wearing that cock ring and the lube. I had 16 orgasms.

And what I think would be really hot is if we blank. And you got to fill in the blank there Maggie. So maybe it's like, you know, and I really love it when you grab my ass during sex. And I love when you tell me how hot I am. And so it's a matter of just telling him what you like, telling him what you've enjoyed in the past. So it's not finger-tapped. And then telling them what you'd like to try in the future. So it's really, it's about your tone and it's about timing. It's not about, we need to talk, right?

Like, let's talk at this serious conversation. So I would say, you don't want to have it in the bedroom, you want to have it outside the bedroom, and you want to make sure it's at a good time when you guys are relaxed, maybe you're having dinner, maybe you're eating breakfast, maybe you're going on a hike. So it's just like the two of you together and you talk about it. But here's my other concern. Is that you're 20 years old and it's been off again and on again. It's the most serious relationship you've been in and you've already gone through this

ebbs and flow of having amazing passion and then no passion. And I leave the passion again. And I would say that you're 20 and maybe, you're putting a lot of effort into it for a relationship when you're young and then you also have gone back and forth so many times. If you've just gotten back together, I wouldn't think it's only been great one time. I'm just thinking that this might need to be a relationship

that you actually put a pause on and get to figure out who Maggie is without being in a relationship and maybe find someone who more sexually sort of matches you, matches what you want and has that passion because you shouldn't be, you know, sometimes there is one partner that's leading this, but I feel like if he's really not on your side or it keeps waning this early on and at this age, I feel like you might have to just take a break and find someone who matches

your sexual passion or at least, you know, appreciates it and wants to keep it going as well. So it's not so much work, especially when you just go back together, you guys. That's with the fun part. When you break up and make up, it's great that making up part, but it sounds like you made out once, you made up once, and it's still not so great. So Maggie, those are my suggestions. Let me know how it goes. Thank you for emailing me. All right, thanks everyone for emailing me and for being part of the show. I love you all.

Thank you for subscribing on iTunes and for reviewing the show. We love when you do that. Check out our entire archive of podcasts, sexwithadmitted.com slash podcasts. Thank you for shopping with Emily. All the great products I mentioned you can find on the website.

And you can also download my show now everywhere. SoundCloud, Spotify, Google Play. And thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com.