Sex With Emily - Food for (Sex) ThoughT

Episode Date: June 6, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is talking about everything from what couples who have more sex are eating to why suppressing your fantasies just makes you think about them more. She discusses why it’s time to get over masturbation guilt, what to do if your partner is monogamous and you’re not, how to keep from getting dry when it comes to condoms, and whether or not society is going to accept you for who you are.   Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Magic Wand, Promescent, Adam & Eve  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm talking about sex relationships and everything in between. I tell you what feelings will bring you more sex, another reason why you shouldn't suppress your sexual fantasies, and why you should get over that masturbating guilt already. All this and more, thanks for listening. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemley.com. Check out all of our blogs. We are not just a podcast. We do have like blogs and videos and a bunch of things to help you have better sex and also fallocent social media.

It's all at sex with Emily across the board. I'm really excited to share with you that I actually had a dream come true, which I don't really know when that happens. It was actually a dream that I put away because I wasn't sure it was ever gonna happen a few years ago, but I'm on Sirius XM this week from five to seven Pacific and eight to 10 Eastern.

It's going to be sex with Emily live on Sirius XM. It's on XM 109, the stars channel. And it's actually LA Drive Time, so from your car in LA, or you can also listen on the app you guys. You can download it or you can actually get 30 days of serious free, you can get a trial. If you want to listen to the show or call in,

and I love doing live radio, and I hope you'll join me and call in, or at least listen. And let me know what you think of it. And if you're interested in it or you're into it, you can also let them know. You can tweet them, you can email them and say, wow, that was really cool hearing Emily five nights this week while I was in my car or working out

because it actually be available on demand as well. So I don't know you guys, 13 years and I've always said, God be so cool to do a show five days a week and I'm just excited to see you all there on SeriousXM. So it's gonna be this week from June 4th to June 8th. I'm gonna do Friday. I'll see you there. Sex in the be this week from June 4th to June 8th. I'm going to do Friday. I'll see you there.

Sex in the news this week. Couples who eat a lot of seafood have more sex and get pregnant faster. I thought this was really interesting because it's actually a study that went on for four years. They did it at Harvard. These are all good things, you guys. And I hear these sex studies. It was like, we talked with three people, you know,

and it was like done in my basement. I'm like, I'm not talking about your study. But this was Harvard 500 couples four years. And the results were clear that more seafood intake was associated with having more sex. And it means that your fertility was peak and you were able to produce offspring. That's what it says. More seafood higher for quantity, which means higher fertility. So it found that 92% of the couples who ate fish and selfish at least twice so we could

get pregnant within the year, they didn't set out to prove the link between seafood and sexual intercourse. So the results was shocking to them as well. And they're not really sure what is driving this association. But what I loved about this is that it goes on to talk about the links between food and sex, which I get asked all the time. Like, is it true that if you eat more oysters that you'll have more orgasms or it'll be an Afro-DG-YAC. So, let me tell you what they found here. This all may be very happy. Guacamole can help you hook up. Apparently, if you're looking for sex,

having some guacamole or at least mentioning it in your dating profile can help you get laid. Mentioning guacamole in a message got you 114% more replies than not mentioning guacamole if you're dating online. So don't say, I never taught you anything, because apparently if you're like, want to get some guacamole chips,

I would actually spell guacamole. Good chance for you that night. Some luck and some happiness. An apple a day can help you roll in the hay. Apparently, if you eat an apple every day, it can improve lubrication and overall sexual function. So keep that in mind. Next time you're at the grocery store, I had a thing for apples going up.

I'm telling you, when I was a kid and all through my 20s, I literally always had green apples in the house. And I don't know why I don't anymore, but I'm gonna get some more apples. It's a good reason to have apples. Men and women think about sex more than food. So there was a study that found that women think about sex once every 50 minutes compared to men

who think about it every 28 minutes. When it comes to food, women think about it every 62 minutes. Well, men think about every 38 minutes. So women think about food less than once an hour. Is this the average women? I'm not really sure. But I'm glad to think that we're all thinking about sex more frequently. Like, all these things that we hear about like men or the ones who are thinking about sex all the time are men or the ones who want it.

No, women, we equal opportunities here. We think about sex, we want sex, we enjoy sex. And some foods can mess with your sex drive. There was a sex educator and she found that some major players, you guys, major players like dairy and carbohydrates can mess with their testosterone levels and therefore your sex drive. I'm not saying you gotta throw it all the dairy and carbohydrates right now. I just think if you're like every single meal you're having tons of dairy and tons of carbs, it probably says a lot about your overall health.

So just like everything else you guys, the more balanced you are with your food, with your diet, and the more you just live in moderation, the better sex you're going to have overall. So again, don't go all dramatic on me here, but if you're like constantly, you're like, have an ice cream for dessert, and you're putting like a half of a carton of cream in your coffee every day, we should probably talk, but you're probably going to be fine. So I just love that sex and food are all linking up here.

Speaking of things that mess with your sex drive and not necessarily in a positive way, there is research that suggests that religious depression of sexual thoughts only creates more preoccupation with those thoughts. So the more we're trying to not think about sex or we've been brought up learning that sex is wrong, the more we're going to compulsively think about sex and want to have sex. A new study suggests that the willful suppression of sexual ideas, thoughts, and fantasies creates a stronger preoccupation with these fantasies and thoughts.

The effect is pronounced in religious communities with strong sexual norms or taboos. This makes total sense. You ever think about like, you know, if you've ever tried to be on a diet, for example, or you have a jar of cookies in the office, I don't know if people put cookies in a jar, but I know we bought 15 boxes of girls' coffee cookies. We're like, today, if you ever think about this, I'm not going to be a cookie, or I'm not

going to need dessert, or I'm not going to smoke cigarettes, or whatever your thing is, the more you want it. So it makes sense absolutely that the more you're trying to, you repress sexual thoughts, you're going to be preoccupied with them. So this study was mostly done on Jewish orthodox teens and secular teens. So teens that were not as religious, and they found that overt portrayal of normal sexual development like masturbation and sexual exploration as dirty or forbidden only strengthen the chance that teens will develop compulsive sexual behavior and stronger preoccupation with

these topics. So basically if your religion is saying sex is wrong, don't masturbate, don't have sex, these students are going to be obsessed with sex. The survey also found that religious teens were substantially more likely to claim they were suppressing on desired fantasies and sexual thoughts. So you guys, it's not just in religious societies, but everywhere we really need to discuss sexuality and deal with it in the right manner at the beginning of adolescence.

And you guys, even elementary school, I'm telling you the earlier that kids are seeing images now of sex and asking about sex and talking about sex, that's when we have to start educating on them. Because if we just ignore it or we tell them it's wrong or they can't masturbate about the time that they're discovering their penises or women are discovering their bodies, they're going to start to develop more compulsive sexual

behavior. And I feel like this is really becoming an epidemic more and more because I feel like we realize how much more kids are, again, they're learning about sex earlier at earlier age. And so kids are like locked up watching porn in their rooms, thinking, you know, feeling insecure perhaps about their bodies, their performance and how sex should be, and they go on the world and they have sex and it doesn't match up. So they have really bad sex education in porn. I'm putting that in quotes education because porn is not education and then they're disappointed by sex or they're not having sex. So you guys start talking your kids about it.

I'd love to hear from you also what you're doing in your community and if I come speak to your kids. No, really, I think this is something that needs to happen right now and in a way that we all feel good about. Because I feel bad for parents too because a lot of kids understand don't necessarily want to hear from their parents about sex. This reminds you of the saying, whatever you resist in your life persists. So if you've been resisting having that talk with your partner about something, it's not gonna go away. Or if you've been resisting dealing with sexual trauma

or just any issues in your life, problems with your parents, problems at work, you guys know this. There is something in your life now that's been going on for so long. Like maybe you haven't gotten in shape or maybe you haven't quit smoking or you haven't started grad school.

There's so many things in our life, and unless you make peace with it, and you're like, you know what, I'm never gonna get that degree, and I'm okay with it, or I'm never gonna make peace with my parents, and I'm okay with that too. That doesn't persist.

If you really truly work on it, and you decide that that's the choice, but if it's in your mind, we all have those lists, so those things that we wanna get to, are things we wanna accomplish it, and I think you've probably realized, when you don't deal with it, it's still there.

So the same goes with sex. The more we just try to brush it out of the rug, pretend it doesn't exist. We don't have to talk to our kids about it, or I don't know, we're in some kind of place with the religion that they're telling us not to masturbate or sex is wrong. This is what's happened.

We're gonna want it even more. So another thing that happens when we don't talk about sex, we people like Harvey Weinstein, rate or sex is wrong, this is what's happened. We're going to want it even more. So another thing that happens when we don't talk about sex, we people like Harvey Weinstein, which you I heard last week, he was in Diedem multiple rape and sex crime charges by the grand jury. And at same day, I was actually also on HLN talking to them about Morgan Freeman, beloved Morgan Freeman.

Everyone was like, no, no, not Morgan Freeman, beloved Morgan Freeman, everyone was like, no, no, not Morgan Freeman. He was accused of inappropriate behavior by 16 women, eight said they experienced inappropriate behavior, inappropriate comments on different sets. He was giving unwanted massages, touching their backs. You know, some said he was like a creepy uncle. There was a survivor's club because there was no formal HR department. And while these allegations against Morgan Freeman are also upsetting because we're like, really not Morgan Freeman, I love Morgan Freeman. You guys, I get this. I mean, I understand my women weren't speaking up. I mean, I feel like the

good news about me too now and all this is that I feel like we're in a very different time right now. We are. It's not we've never been in a time where we're going to see change. I think that we'll still have cases come out like this. Like there'd be other Morgan Freeman's, but I think we're at the time now. We want to know what do we do? Like how do we move forward? And so I went on HL and we talked about the, she asked me, I was on my Kayla's phone. She's like, how do we know, for example, if we cross the line?

Because I think the other thing that's happening with all these allegations is I've got a lot of guy friends who are like, I don't even know what to do in my office anymore. I used to tell my people, women who work with me that I thought they looked nice today or give Mahog on their birthday, but can we do that anymore? When do we cross the line?

And I think the line is different for everybody and that people know when they're crossing the line. I think that we kinda is different for everybody and that, you know, people know when they're crossing the line. I think that we kind of know. And maybe with Morgan Freeman, he's been crossing the line for so long that he wasn't even at 70 years old, thinking like, oh, wow, I'm really hurting these women here that I'm giving her a massage. He's gotten away with it for so long. So I'm not saying that this exonerates him of any of these allegations, but I'm also saying that it's a different culture right now that there weren't consequences in the past.

But now we see that there's going to be consequences. But the problem with the line also, I think, is that in the past, offenders would get off on being on the wrong side of that line. Like they, there was like a thrill. It's like it's a drug to them perhaps. Like, oh, I'm going to get, if they were even aware of the line, but that's not going to happen anymore. It was really, this is more about power.

This is more about an affirmation about power for men. And I think we can all agree that the line is about respect. Like, you know if you're not respecting someone, think about how you would treat your mom or your aunt or your sister. If you're not sure where the line is. Like, is this something I would say to or the guy in my office?

Would I say these things? If something in your body's going, no, is this something I would say to or the guy in my office, what I say these things? If something in your body is going, no, that doesn't really feel appropriate, I wouldn't do that, then you're probably crossing the line. Like, there's no need if you're working with someone to touch a small the back, give them a massage, you know what's inappropriate. The thing about all these me two things also, you might hear some of these cases and think, well, that's just locker room talk. That's just guys being guys are, oh Morgan, he's just being a pervy old man.

But like, how do we like change the culture of these interactions? I mean, the reality is, I think that people were more afraid and oftentimes of making things awkward than protecting what's right. People knew what Harvey Weinstein was doing. People kind of knew, you know, oh, that's Morgan, you know, he's just being weird. Just let him give you a back massage. But I think that now we're ready to protect what's right. We have to practice speaking up and not being afraid to make things uncomfortable.

It's kind of like dealing with bullying, you know, like at the core of this, it is sexual bullying. So like assess the danger. You know, women need a roadmap of how to deal with being bullied sexually. So it's like, if you can't confront the bully, you can talk to someone in human resources, you can talk to someone in your office. I think that it's a different time where we don't, we don't have to deal with unwanted touching

and looks and glances. And you guys are not saying that this isn't happening still. While I'm saying is if it does happen, that we just need to speak up. And it's awkward at first. It's just like talking about sex. You know what I always say to you guys? It's gonna be really, it might be really awkward

the first time you're like, wait, let's talk about our sex life. I really need more whatever you want, the better. Talking about this in the workplace or wherever you're at, if you're awkward with family or friends or you don't feel safe, I understand that this is also a new skill, but it's okay to speak up to be loud,

men and women, and to say this is not okay with the way things you're saying make me uncomfortable. Because a lot of these guys were talking about have been getting away with this for so long. It's systematic. It's probably one of the systematic problems that exist in their entertainment industry, but in so many other industries,

I actually used to work in politics before I worked in this industry. I know people that happens to them who's working at Starbucks, their boss might be doing, you know, making them feel uncomfortable. So it's happening everywhere. I just think that when people want to know what to do now and where we're going, it starts with you, it starts with me saying like, you know what? This didn't feel right to me. This makes you feel uncomfortable because just because we haven't had any new allegations, I'm willing

to bet that there's a lot of people who have been crossing the line for so long, They actually don't realize it and they're going to appreciate it. They're actually going to appreciate you say, you know what? That doesn't work for me. And we're all going to be changing this together because we're all in it together. We got into it in a very like, in a systematic way that's been happening for so many years. And now we have to undo it in real time in the moment and speaking up. And I think that the culture is changing and that I don't really think that we're actually in a sex crisis right now. I think that we're in a crisis of connection

and a crisis of communication. And we really need to learn how to communicate more and connect more with people around us and talk about things that are bothering us and that are going well. And I think that we're gonna see a lot of really great things coming happening from a really dark place. So I'm hopeful with what I've been seeing, what I've been hearing,

and I would love to hear from you as well, because I'm here to help. I'm here to help us all live better lives. Okay, guys, I'm going to move on to your emails in a minute. I want to give a shout out to our sponsors, because we love them, and I'll be right back answering your questions. I love answering your questions. Things everyone for sending them in.

If you want a question answer on the show. You can text Ask Emily all one word to 7979. Fill out the short form over to sexwithemley.com, click the Ask Emily tab and include your name your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. This is from Violet Age 25 in Los Angeles. Hey Emily, my boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and we are absolutely perfect for each other, except for one thing. I don't believe him in monogamy and he definitely does.

I've gone to monogamous route with him this year because it's so important to him, but except for one thing. I don't believe him in Agamie and he definitely does. I've gone to Monogamous root with him this year because it's so important to him, but I'm really starting to feel conflicted. I want to be with him forever, but I also want the freedom to be with girls I'm bisexual. He's not okay with me doing anything without him,

but we have no luck finding a third, which he is on with as long as he's a part of it all. How can I work past these feelings of wanting to be with other people so that I can be with him? Okay, Violet 3D, this is great. Here's the thing, you're perfect except for one thing. But guess what, this one thing is a big thing, really big, like massive thing. So I would say you guys have a lot of fun together and you're really great right now. But this is something that you need to explore

right now in your life. And I think when you try to repress it, like I just talked about whatever resist will persist. You're attracted to women. You know that about yourself. I love that you know that you're bisexual. And I also love that you know that you're not that into monogamy, which is kind of a precursor to being with somebody. Like that's like your bottom line. Those are your believe right now, where you're at 25, you're telling me, not into monogamy and you're more into women, and he doesn't want you to either one of those things. So I'm gonna say that this is something that I think

you're gonna have to get this, it's scratched eventually on your own. It sounds to me. So I understand that you're also in a great place of them right now and you're not ready, you wanna try to make it work. So let me give you some tips here, but also understand that you're also in a great place of them right now and you're not ready. You know, you want to try to make it work. So let me give you some tips here, but also understand that you got to trust your gut

and trust yourself, what you're telling yourself. Like it's all real. So trying to change yourself because you think you should be another way doesn't often work, especially when it comes to sex and who are attracted to. If you'd like to try it out with him though, and finding a third you said,

it hasn't been lucky for you. And you're in Los Angeles, you're looking for a unicorn, which I don't know why they call it unicorn, they do call it unicorn. It's the hardest thing to find in the world, is that third person. There's apps you could find, field, I think is one that people really, really like, F-E-E-L-D. And I think you've got to be really honest with what you're looking for, finding this third person and So there's also what else is there fat life? Did they shut fat life down?

We're looking up other apps right now, but but your question here. How can I work past these feelings of one of you that I'm gonna go back to this sweetie How can I work past these feelings of one of you other people so I can be with him? You're not going to like you're really not because what you're saying is you can't work past feelings that are so deeply in grade within you. I think that there might be some compromise here. He might not get that it's actually something that you require, but it doesn't mean you guys can't be in an open relationship, where he's your primary partner.

I think a lot of people run screaming for the hills when they hear this. I can't imagine my partner moving being someone else that will never work. But I'm here to say this is the time to be in an alternative relationship, a modern relationship. And that there's a lot of great resources out there. I love the book opening up by Tristan Teramino. It was a great book to read. That while your boyfriend's saying no, no, no, I need to be there all the time. If you guys really kind of sink into a deeper, more open, like, communicative place

where he knows what that looks like, like maybe you see other women, but you still come home to him every night. Um, those are the things places you guys need to go and things you need to talk about. So I'm not sure that you're ready to give that all up or your boyfriend at 25. So those are your choices. Either you repress it and find a third person or you kind of do something in middle here and you compromise where you both get what you want. Okay, bye, let me know how it goes. This is from Nelly age 20 in New Zealand. Hi, Emily.

I've had non-consensual sexual experiences with an ex, and been in a two-year relationship with another guy who was emotionally abusive, which seriously affected my sexual and general confidence. I've never felt like it's okay to show pleasure in front of someone, and I'm body conscious when having sex, although I'm very fit. While I masturbated from a young age and do orgasm infrequently with my current boyfriend, I put pressure on myself to orgasm. Also in the past, I've been made to feel like my high sex drive is abnormal.

I really love having lots of sex all the time, but I feel shame about this. I'm currently with a lovely supportive boyfriend, but find out the baggage I carry is affecting what we have, which makes me even more anxious. What can I do? I don't know how to explain to him the effect of an emotionally abusive relationship, and its impact on sex. Thanks, your podcasts are really liberating. Thank you, Nelly.

Your email was really thoughtful, and I'm so glad that you reached out to me, because I feel like you have been through a lot, sweetie, and I love that you're so self-aware, and you understand that all these things will have an impact on your life. You've had non-consensual sexual experiences, you're the mostly abusive guy. You had someone tell you that you had too high of a sex drive. I mean, you've had non-concentral sexual experiences. You're the most abusive guy.

You had someone tell you that you had too high of a sex drive. I mean, you've had a lot of it. So, I understand why you'd be anxious because you actually don't know what it feels like to be in a healthy relationship. So, these are all really great questions. And, your question specifically is, how do you explain to him the effect of an emotional abusive relationship? I think you probably know, like I think that, think that I'm trying to think how it's manifesting

right now, but you could just let them know that you're going to work on yourself. And what I think this means is therapy. And I'm telling you, you can find someone who specializes in sexual trauma. And you can just find a really great, you know, therapist. I would say go to two to three people until you find someone you like like because when you get into a therapy relationship, it's actually like getting into a real relationship. It's someone that you see once a week for about a year and they help you work through this stuff because I feel like the fact that you don't feel comfortable masturbating

in front of someone and you're having body issues which so many of us do that this is just a lot to pile on right now and to be in a relationship with someone. So I think what you wanna explain to him is, I wanna be the best partner, the best girlfriend for you, and be honest to them. You have nothing to lose, but saying, I love having sex with you in the past.

I've been told these messages that aren't true, and I wanna get to a place where I'm really comfortable around you, but these are the ways that I'm not. And he might feel like say things that are going to make you feel a lot safer and a lot more like healthier in the relationship when you're just honest about it. I'm not sure how much you've shared with him but I can tell you the more honest you are about what you're struggling with, he'll understand the impact that it's had. So you don't need to break through what exactly the guys did to you unless you want to,

but you can also just start with how you feel right now that you want to be the best partner to him in the relationship. Another thing in here, it makes me so angry that this guy said to you that your sex drive was abnormal because I hear this all the time that women were told that anything we want that makes men uncomfortable makes us wrong or that was something wrong with us. So we hear all the time that wow a woman if she has a

high sex drive you know she's not normal or she's a sex fee and none of this is true like none of this is true at all. I love the you have a high sex drive. I love that you want sex all the time. I'm sure that your current partner does too. So I could tell you right now and I know you've been listening to this show that these are not things that you should beat yourself up for because what I'm seeing in this is like a really smart articulate self-aware 20 year old woman who has an amazing life out of her and you will move through all of this stuff like the fact that you're able to tell me about it. So that's what I see.

I know that you don't feel that yet, but just know that you're going to get there and talk into your partner and find you get therapist is going to do wonders for you and your incredible sex where you feel like you deserve it and know that it's everything that you want is right around the corner for you. This is from Kate, 22, Texas. Dear Emily, I don't ever have a problem getting wet whenever I have intercourse,

but whenever I use a condom with my boyfriend, I can never get wet. I draped super quick and even if we use lube with a condom, it still kinda hurts because I'm so dry. Is there a reason for this happening? First of all, I want to say that it probably is lube. So here's the first thing you can do. It could be because of latex. If you're using a latex condom, there's a lot of women who are allergic to latex or are just too drying for them. I love skin condoms, SKYN, they're non-latex, and they're great condoms, and you can get them anywhere.

Try lubricated condoms, skin also makes extra lubricated condoms, and I would also say though, I'm just gonna play devil's advocate here. Are you 100% certain that you never get dry in any other circumstance? Because I think that, last time we just understand that our bodies changed throughout the month.

Like when we're ovulating, we might be more wet or less wet or we might be really turned on and not wet or wet and not turned on. So our wetness levels are not necessarily an indicator of a rousal. So I want to make sure that you are getting enough for play and that he's taken care of you and that you're keeping, you know, if that you're getting turned on and that you're engaged. Because what I, when I read this twice, I thought, hmm, I wonder if he's just the times where he's like, let's get right to sex and he puts the condom on and you're not ready. Because that happens so, so often for women that we just think, oh, well, the condom's going on

and I should be ready for sex. And I can tell you in most cases, we're not. So we require more literal stimulation. We require more oral sex, fore play, and definitely lubrication. So I would try these kind of condoms, and I would try different kind of loop. I mean, I love joe loop. Silicone loops are great.

They last longer. So I would play around with all this. I don't think that there is necessarily a problem that we can't solve if you try any one of these things. And let me know how it goes. Thanks, Kate. This is from Erin, 29 in England. Hello, Emily. solve if you try any one of these things and let me know how it goes. Thanks Kate. This is from Erin, 29 in England.

Hello, Emily. I'm a man who is always admired and desired a feminine lifestyle, appearance and sex life. Growing up this urge was repressed but as a young adult I started experimenting with cross-dressing on my own at home. It felt so liberating that recently I've gone further and left the house and I usually as so still don't feel confident enough in daylight, wearing a blouse and skirt. My background is Indian and I also enjoy wearing stories in the house, but not in public yet.

I'm feeling self-conscious and worrying how it's perceived when people see me. My question is, honestly, how do you think people react to this? Does society really accept this? My face and hair is clearly masculine, so it's apparent to onlekers that I'm not biologically female, though I want to be. I feel better for company by someone, but I haven't discussed this with people I know. Thanks for their great work you do, Emily, and for your time in reading this. Okay, Erin, this is a really great question.

So we see that there's something you're oppressed growing up, and I love that you started to experiment with this on your own. I think a great way to start is in your house. I've heard from a lot of men over the years that they're like, I like cross-dressing, they're like, I'm straight, but I like wearing women's clothing and that's what I'm into. I have a few questions for you that need some clarification. You say that you're not biologically female, although you want to be. So I'm curious if you think that you are transgender, that you think, well, maybe you actually would like to be a woman or if it's more about just wearing women's clothes. I'm just curious about that either way because that's a bigger conversation. If you're interested in just cross-dressing, I have to say that like, when I live in San

Francisco, I wouldn't blink if someone walked past me. Man, woman dressed in, you know, there was a man with a full beard and heels walking around in a skirt any time of day, any day of the week, in a dress, or even Los Angeles. I feel like we don't, no, we're not gonna be like, judge, we're not gonna be like, oh my god, that's so crazy. Because you asked me, how do I think people react to this? To society really accept this. I'm gonna tell you no. I think that a lot of people in society do not accept it.

They will look twice. They may make fun of you. They're gonna look. They're not used to it. I think that we still have a long way to go in that regard. So I feel like it's really up to you and your comfort level. I think that it's great to make a statement. And I want you to go out and be you and do you.

And I think that talking to your friends about it and saying, you say you have no one to company at you, I'll bet that the more honest you are with friends, the ones that you really love and the ones that you trust, they probably would accompany you out. You start to get more confidence. I really just think that this might take some work. I mean, you said you were repressed as a young child. I'm going to say if this is something that you really want to try and you want to go out there in the world and not to what your job is

and judgments, all that stuff that this might be also a great place to get some therapy or at least we're talking to friends and figuring out if this is something that you want as a lifestyle, if it's just a few times a week or once a month and kind of gauging where you're at on this because it's one thing to be repressing and just feel like, oh my god, I just gotta wear a skirt sometimes. And then maybe you'll be like, oh, I'm doing it now and it's better, and I feel better, and I no longer have this nagging urge. Or if it's more like, no, I think I'm transgender, I should be in a woman's body. So there's layers to this, and I think that the fact that you emailed me is a great first step, and to continue exploring your own with your friends with people you trust, and maybe see some therapy would be amazing.

continue exploring your own with your friends with people you trust and maybe see some therapy would be amazing. At the end of the day Aaron, whether you want to square woman's clothes or your transgender, you have my support. I just want you to be comfortable doing you and to get to the bottom of it sooner or later. This is from Carlos33 in Texas. Hi Emily, I'm in the middle of trying to start a long distance relationship with a wonderful girl out of state. It started off meeting online, we text and talk every day, have met each other a few times now, with each time getting better. While we've become physical with one another, we still haven't had sex, which isn't a big

deal for me. However, as we get closer, my sexual attraction to her has grown, and so has my sex drive, which has led me to masturbation. The thing is though, I've been feeling increasingly guilty for some reason after masturbating. I usually rely on Briton or Radica or porn, but I feel guilty getting off thinking of other women. If I think about her, I feel guilty about thinking about her, and that state since we haven't become intimate yet,

and I've never had this issue with past relationships before, help, thank you, in advance. All right, Carlos, this question is just chock full of good stuff. Okay. So I so appreciate you articulating this and your honesty. So you're in the middle of maybe trying along business relationship and you've got a whole lot

of stuff going on here. So I think that first off, have you ever been in a long distance relationship before? And if so, has it moved this slowly before? Have you ever moved this slowly sexually? And I think that what you're caught up in now is like there's a anticipation and you're not in the same city and you talk and you text every day. So your mind, you know, our brain is the largest sex organ. Like you're creating this whole thing around her.

She's like your partner, perfect woman for your life. And she's going to, she's holier than that. And if you masturbate, she might judge you. And she's, but she's going to be amazing. And you're certain and all these things. And you have an sex yet. And it's not even long distance yet. It's like, you're working on it being long distance.

So I'm wondering, just kind of more about, could it be this all be in your head that you're creating this to be something that it's not? And then also, I'm wary about long distance relationships in general when they don't have an endpoint. Like when it's like, we're gonna be long distance forever. Yeah, for five years, she's in grad school and he's working in some job. No, you have to, if you get along just to relationship, it's really good to know that in a year from now, we're

thinking of being in the same place. But just to like put all this pressure on yourself for something that isn't even long distance yet is what gives me pause. I also want to know, was there guilt in the past? Was there anything from your upbringing that you can remember about, you know about masturbation or sex that just makes you feel like it was wrong or that it's wrong that you're masturbating? Cause typically this doesn't just show up. You said you're not used to feeling this in the past,

but it'd be interesting to kind of explore that and think, hmm, I wonder if this is kind of familiar. You've got nothing to lose here. Cause I think that you guys sounds like you really do have a great attraction for each other and it's mutual for what it sounds like. But I would also think that you gotta be honest with her. You've had nothing to lose by being honest and I would set like a Skype date or FaceTime

date which I think is a great thing to do when you're in long-sense relationships. Not just texting and not just talking, but actually sitting there maybe each both eat dinner together on the phone where you're looking at each other and have a talk with her and be honest. And you're looking at each other, and have a talk with her. And be honest. And you're going to find out a few things. You can find out that she's totally supportive about your like, about feeling weird about masturbation or not. She might be like, oh, masturbation's wrong, in which case you're going to find out how open

she is, actually. And I'm taking it from there. Like, I feel like this is when you got to get honest with someone. You got to be honest early on and start to talk about these things. I'm not saying you got to like, hey babe, that chicken good and what do you think going masturbating? Talk about sex with her. Talk about how you can't stop thinking about her.

How you're really excited to see her. Does she fantasize about things? You know, kind of ease into it, but talk about your connection or what was really hot less time you saw each other and then let her know, like, you can ask her if she masturbates. They say, I do, but here's a funny thing. Sometimes I masturbate, but I've been feeling guilty

about it lately. Because really, I really want everyone to talk about sex like how I'm talking about it to you. I want you to feel comfortable. I promise you that the couples who talk about sex early on, the sooner they get together, the sooner they talk honestly and openly about sex, the better sex they're gonna have.

So you're smitten with this girl, you're're really in tears, so I think your next call or the next time you talk, start to put some of this stuff on the table so you're not wasting any one's time. And I promise you, no matter what happens here, you're going to be learning a lot about yourself. And you're also going to find out if this is a long distance relationship that can actually go the distance. Thanks Carlos, send me an update.

Thanks guys for listening to the distance. producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at sektwithemily.com.