Sex With Emily - Foreplay Everyday

Episode Date: October 16, 2021

To lots of folks, “foreplay” is shorthand for...hand stuff. But foreplay - or outercourse, as I call it - is actually way more about emotional intelligence, than anything having to do with your fingers. On today’s show, I dive into the psychology of foreplay and intimacy, a fascinating study on the difference between a good’ and ‘bad’ sex life, and how to get aroused with specific (and quite sexy) pre-game tips.Click Here to Subscribe.We also talk about what to do if foreplay and overall sex with your partner has gotten a bit stale, how to tease and arouse yourself, what to do if your partner isn’t so keen on exploring new things, and how to handle a partner who won’t reciprocate foreplay...after you give them all sorts of pre-game love. Plus, I answer your questions! I share what to do if you find yourself fantasizing about a past crush (while in a committed relationship), and give tips for how to have an orgasm… for the first time.For more information about or to purchase the products mentioned in this podcast, click below:Foria: Premium CBD ProductsMagic Wand: The World's Best Selling Massage WandWe-Vibe BondShow Notes:Episode: The Gottmans on Compatibility, Conflict & ConversationEpisode: Talk Dirty To Me w/ Joanna AngelArticle: Ask Emily: How Do I Get Better at Dirty Talk?Download my Yes No Maybe ListSystem Jo LubricantsArticle: 6 Tips For Being A Better KisserForia Sex Oil We-Vibe Bond and Moxie b-Vibe Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So what I'm saying is if you plant all of these seeds throughout the day, throughout the evening when you're together, there's way less work in the traditional four-place sense because you're all ready to go, you're all amped up because you've been connecting. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. To lots of folks, for play is shorthand for hand stuff, but for plays actually way more about emotional intelligence than anything having to do with your fingers. On today's show, I dive into the psychology

of for play and intimacy. A fascinating study on the difference between a good and bad sex life, and how to get a rouse with specific and quite sexy pre-game tips. We talk about what to do with foreplay and overall sex with your partner has gotten a bit stale, how to tease and arouse yourself. What to do with your partner isn't so keen on exploring new things and how to handle a partner who won't reciprocate for a play. After you give them all sorts of pre-game love, they don't reciprocate! Plus I answer your questions. I share what to do if you find yourself fantasizing about

a past crush while in a committed relationship and give tips for how to have an orgasm for the first time. All right, intentions with Emily join me in setting an intention for this episode. What do you want to get out of it? Well, my intention is to encourage you to expand your definition of sex to include all those delicious, war-butt moments, otherwise known as war play. Please rate, review, sex with Emily wherever you listen to this show, it really helps us make a stronger episode. More people can listen to. Check out my new article, The Guide to a Successful Friends with Benefits Relationship.

It's up at sexwithemily.com and check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me a question, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 5739. Does leave me your questions or message me also at sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. I've been answering questions and exploring everything related to sexuality for more than 15 years. So I've tried out a lot of different products, but there's one thing that seriously elevated my pleasure.

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harder than ever and answer your foreplay questions. So let's talk about foreplay for a minute because I think it does get a bad rap. In the sense of you often hear that women, vulva owners want foreplay, penis owners don't want foreplay. And there's this notion that it's always something that we're nagging for like women back in the day. They just want for play and men are just ready to go. And I'm just going to dispel all of those myths today. But first, let me define

what for play is. So for play also can be called outer course, which I actually like that better because for play to me is a term that just Centres on it being the precursor to sex and that sex is all about penetration. penis goes in vagina and in my mind, sex should not be only about that. Foreplay is basically a sexual activity defined as a sexual activity that happens before sexual intercourse. Again, showing that it's happening before the main event. So sort of the warm-up and foreplay doesn't have to always lead to intercourse, typically things like kissing, cuddling, touching, talking.

I love foreplay. Sometimes I think the foreplay could be the main event or it is the main event, at least in my life. So I'd love you to start thinking differently. We can put all of this under the sex umbrella, all of these sex acts in our course, kissing, oral sex, and I'd love them all to be sort of an equal playing field. You get to choose any one of them. You can just have oral sex and I'd say you had sex that night. So you know what, often say that your brain is the largest sex organ. And it really applies to what I'm talking about when I say for play all day, because it's

really psychological. Because for play, what happens is our brains need to get on board for sex. So are we thinking about sex? You're connecting to your partner, maybe they sent you a sexy text, maybe you showered together in the morning inside to other's bodies, and then that sort of you've kept fueling your day, you were looking forward to the evening where you got to see your partner again. Because when we don't have any kind of foreplay or any kind of worm of borrowerous, and then we go right into penetration, a lot of us, especially both owners, find ourselves not really

prepared. Like we're not turned on, we're not aroused. And what I really need you understand is that the few of a penis and you get a route, you get turned on, you're ready to go. You have an erection, you are warmed up, you're all primed, and you're like, I do not want to stop at the train is in motion. And you have that animalistic urge and you're ready to go. Now if you happen to be with someone with a vulva, they don't get aroused in the same way.

It doesn't mean they can't get aroused and they won't get aroused, but it's not spontaneous. It's more responsive. It responds to things happening beforehand, hence foreplay. Not because anything's wrong with your penis. There's just a lot to understand the psychology and the arousal and desire process that differs between genders. And some of the benefits of foreplay

is that it's to think of it this way. It's actually getting us aroused, getting us more turned on more of the mood. So physiologically speaking, foreplay causes an increase in blood flow to your genitals. So this helps lubricate your vagina. You're getting a route.

That's where the wetness can come in. And it also allows you to feel more intimate with your partner. You have that emotional intimacy. And for many of us, we need all of those things to be in place. We need to talk about our day with you. You know, we want to be touched in a way that will

turn us on. We want to lower our stress. You know, if there's a lot of stuff happening in the home that's making us anxious or worried our stress. Remember stress is the biggest killer of our sex drive. And it doesn't do

very well for our desire in our arousal. So that's why kissing is great because when we kiss, that triggers a release of oxytocin and dopamine and serotonin. It lowers the cortisol, which is responsible for stress and increases our feelings of affection

and bonding in euphoria. And it increases our ability to get aroused. We require, especially a lot of love owners, require for play to be in the mood for any kind of sex. And so for some of us, it's like, we're just happy that our partner emptied the trash cans that they asked about our day, that we felt intimately connected,

we talked about our work day, and we had really exciting ideas exchanged. And that got me in the mood. Like a really hot, like a lot of you calling in your sapiosexuals turned on by the brain, the mind. I'm the same way. If I have a hot conversation with someone that's smart and intense and we're totally vibing

on similar topics, I'm like, I am so ready to go right now. And so the more we can kind of think about more play as these activities that will bring you towards a shared state of arousal the better. Because what I've also heard from Men is I'm going to lose my, like I said, I've said this that men are going to lose their erection. Because then they think, well, I'm turned on, but now I got to do all the work. I got to go down to my partner.

I got to make sure she's ready. I got to slow this down. I got to cuddle. And then I got to have sex to do all the work again. But what I'm saying is if you plant all of these seeds throughout the day, throughout the evening, when you're together, there's way less work in the traditional four-place sense because you're all ready to go. You're all amped up because you've been connecting.

That's the key to this. This is what I want you to understand. All right, let's get into your emails. This is from Erica32 in New York. Hey, Dr. Emily, I love your show show and thanks for being the greatest expert on this. My question is how can I get my wife into want sex more or have more rounds? He's a great boyfriend and we've been together for two years but I feel like I'm more sexual than he is. I also feel like he is logical with everything including sex and I am more like

I want the hot, aggressive aggressive passion sex. Most of the time we have sex it's like straight to the point no warming up eating me out doing anything to me. I feel like I'm the girl in Netflix movie sex life. If you haven't watched it please do. The great this show is an example of how your voice would be super beneficial. I totally get it. I saw it. It's great. He is sensitive and I am not sure how to bring this up. Thank you for your email, Erica. Here's a deal. If I could tell you, you wouldn't believe if I told you how many people are not talking to their partners about

sex because we're so afraid that our partners are going to be upset. We're going to hurt their ego and they're so sensitive blah, blah, blah. But listen, it's part of their jobs is to be attentive lover. And I don't know where this notion came from that we have to protect our partners from something that is so important in the relationship. And the fact that we don't talk about it is the reason why so many of us are silently suffering through really bad mediocre sex. So I'm just going to emphasize that in every show until we all get this. So bring it up in a gentle way. Let him know

that great sex takes work for play can start outside the bedroom. He needs to understand what great sex looks like to you. Many partners don't even know what's on the table sexually. Maybe that's the way he's always had sex. He always went right to penetration. He just doesn't know. And probably every other woman before you also didn't want to bruise his ego and didn't know how to say it. So we just remain mute. We remain mute. And we walk around suffering and biting our tongues and not saying anything because of the sensitive partners. But I think he just doesn't know. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt

and say he doesn't even know. So you get to say, hey, I want to tell you some things I've been learning and some things I know about myself. For play, can start outside the bedroom. You guys can be doing activities together. You can be doing things that can enhance intimacy. Having a fun night and doing exciting things together can also be a form of foreplay. This would be the time to have these conversations with him and let him know what you've learned about your

needs. And going back to sex life, yeah, I mean, that was about a partner who had fantasies, kept by her missing about her ex who was great and bad. And then her current husband who was very logical and by the book, it just did not want to, wasn't able to go there with her sexually. And some of this is personality types. There are some people who will never be on board to get our needs met. And then there's some that just, I just like to say that need more information. They need to understand that oh, by me making you feel good in this way, you know, it's really going to enhance our relationship in so many other ways because you're going to be more turned on and you're going to feel more connected to me.

There's going to be fewer resentments. So sometimes we have to give in the background the psychology. It's not just you asking for something and they're not giving it that it's really about, you know, being a fulfilled partner. And I think you need to know that. This is from Rico, 26 in London. Hey Dr. M. Lee, your podcast has changed me and my partner's life. Thank you. We are 26 and I've been dating for six years.

I'm lucky to have her as my soulmate. Sex is great. However, I sometimes get weird feelings when I see my high school crush picks on my Instagram feed and even fantasize having three Sims with them. How do I deal with these kind of real life fantasies and the haunting of how sex would be with your high school crush?

All right, we go. I would just like to normalize extracurricular fantasies about high school crush. Alright, Rico, I would just like to normalize extra curricular fantasies about high school crushes because this is something that is so common. It's okay, Rico. I mean, high school was a time when you were free. You're younger. It was another part of yourself. It was the first crush you ever had. Maybe we're the women in high school. You're a man and it's a new experience. And then they were on, maybe you weren't with them, they were crushes, they're unattainable, but that's also a really hot element in a fantasy,

is to fantasize about things that we can't have. And so it's all okay. I want you to understand that there's no thought police, no one's gonna come knocking on the door saying, like, hey Rico, I heard that you're fantasizing about, you know, these women from high school. It doesn't sound like it's something you're going to act on right now. You're, you know, and I wouldn't recommend it unless you've had a lot of conversations

with your partner about fantasies and about what you guys are into. So you just remember there's two kind of fantasies. There's the fantasies that we get to keep to ourselves, and that we don't need to share or want to share. And then there's the ones that we would like to share with the partner. And I think we pretty much know which ones those are, but you can just take a check. Why am I, why am I bringing this up to my partner? Is my partner someone that would be down with this fantasy?

Is it something that we've already discussed and laid the groundwork for even having fantasies or acting things out together. So, I don't think you're there yet with her. You haven't told me that part of it, but I would keep working on the relationship with your partner. And I'm telling you, the less you beat yourself up and the less guilt you feel about this and the more you just let yourself have your sexual fantasies, the better and for your you will feel.

Explore your sexual self and to maybe other fantasies will come in. And maybe you'll find a point with your partner where you guys can start talking about, you know, kind of things you guys want to do together sexually. Because that's hot too. All right. Thanks for your email, Rico. Okay, this is from Lawrence, 27 in Texas. Hey, Dr. Emily, first, I want to say I really enjoyed listening to your podcast. I've learned a lot about sex and what I enjoy So thank you. I recently got married and I love my wife, but our sex is horrible and I'm sure she degree

I've gotten to the point where I don't really want to have sex with her It's not that I don't love her, but there's not really any effort during sex on her end And she doesn't give me oral sex anymore. It's been two years. What to do? All right, well Lawrence I love that you've learned what you like in the last two years, you've figured out what you like. And it sounds like she might not know what she likes, what good sex is or feels like.

So now it is her turn. Have you talked to her about it? You know, especially if you think she would agree that your sex is mediocre right now, you think she'd want to figure out what would make it less so. You're married and your sex life is horrible. So a conversation with her saying, I figured out some things that are great for me. Let's take some time to figure out what is good for you.

Has she masturbated? Has she? Does she understand her body? Does she knows what feels good to her? How she masturbated, how she does she understand her body, does she knows what feels good to her? You know, just say to her, I don't want to go the rest of our lives or the rest of our marriage like this. It's been two years we can turn it around. I mean, two years is still the beginning of a relationship, essentially, of a marriage. So you get to say, you know what, let's wipe the slate clean. It's not great now, but let's let's work together on creating the building blocks to better sex and that's going to be slowing down and talking and figuring out her body because I have also found that a lot of bad sex is because we don't we've never had great sex. You know does she know what pleasure in her body feels like

has she masturbated so these are all the kind of questions you want to have especially since you've been figuring out your own body and now it's her turn. So and let me just talk if you ever really thought about the importance of foreplay you want to have, especially since you've been figuring out your own body, and now it's her turn. So and let me just talk if you ever really thought about the importance of foreplay, I want to share something with you that I think really illustrates this. So we had Dr. John and Julie Gottman on the show a few weeks ago. To great episode, the Gottman's on compatibility, conflict and conversation, if you haven't heard it, they are the brains behind so much important sex research for the last 40 years. And their show is called The Godminside Compatibility Conflict and Conversation. And that will be in the show notes. But what

they did was they mentioned a great study about key differences between couples with a great sex life and those with a bad sex life. So the studies looked at 70,000 couples in over 24 countries. And people who believe they had great sex shared some things in common. And here's what was in common. They kissed each other passionately for no reason. Remember I talked about all those feel good hormones to get released? They say I love you every single day and they mean it. They give surprise romantic gifts.

They know what turns their partners on and off erotically. They're physically affectionate, even in public, and they keep playing and having fun together. They cuddle. They make sex a priority, not an item on a long-to-do list. And I want to go back to playing and having fun together. Some of this four-play all day could be you and your partner would often share some experience together. You went to the farmer's market, you know, maybe that excites you, picking out fresh fruits.

Maybe you went to the gym together. I mean, couples that do things together tend to be more connected and tend to have more and easier time connecting, at least sexually. So those were all the couples that they say, I love you every day, man. They stay good friends. They talk comfortably about their sex life. They weekly dates. I can't drive this home enough.

How important is for couples to have a non-negotiable weekly sex date. They take romantic vacations. So what do you think the couples with a bad sex life? And they all shared similarities in their answers. Ready? Spend very little time together. They become job-centered. They talk mostly about their huge to-do lists.

They make everything else, everything else a priority, other than their relationship. They drift apart. they lead parallel lives, and they do not communicate in a healthy way. So what I'm saying about this study is intentional time with your partner makes a difference between good, sex, and bad sex, and a good relationship and a bad relationship. And those moments of kissing and touching and slowing down new experiences, new sensations, they don't have to be a sexual or physical. They can be verbal connections,

it could be spontaneous gifts, reinforcing the commitment to your relationship could be a really important part of the difference to be good sex and bad sex. Alright, we talked about the importance of 4 play and how to prioritize it, but what are we actually supposed to do in the moment? Right? After the break, I outlined all sorts of ideas to supercharge your outer course. Here's a question for you. At what point is a sex toy, not just a sex toy? No, I don't mean that you can also use it to mix margaritas.

I mean, when does it represent something bigger, something legendary? I'm talking of course about the magic wand, and yes, it's an amazing vibrator. Like life altering. Owning one is like owning a little piece of history. This is a brand that predates the Apollo mission. It's a product people love enough to get tattooed on themselves. Seriously, there are entire communities dedicated to Magic Wand fan art. And trust me, all this enthusiasm is justified. There's something about Magic Wand's deep,

rumbly vibrations and perfect shape that just works every single time. Whether you choose the iconic Magic Wand original, the magic wand rechargeable, or the magic wand plus that has multiple speeds and plug-in power, you'll immediately join a family of millions. I've been part of that family since way before I started this podcast. I even drilled a hole in my nightstand just so I can keep my magic wand plugged in. It's that good. Even if you don't want to modify your furniture or get it tattooed, I really hope you'll try a magic wand today. Go to sexwithemily.com slash magic wand. That's sexwithemily.com slash magic wand. What do we do? What are you like? Okay, I'm on board. I want a more foreplay. What do we do? So here's some practical tips for engaging in some amazing fore play. First, set the mood. A great way to start is your five senses. You know, I love

talking about the five senses because I think that they're really helpful for helping us ground in the moment. So think about the site. Where do you want the light? Do you want to have your lights on a dimmer? Do you want some candles lit? I think it's great to have two different light sources, you know, like just not those super bulbs, those super white bulbs, but you can have some dimming lights and some candles. Hearing, put on some sound, put on some music, you know, at a nice volume, at a comfortable volume, that makes you feel relaxed or in the mood, only you know what that music is. And then the scent, like setting the mood, we have to do with like lighting candles, burning palo santo, oils, you could have oil, like I have a diffuser at my house that I always light with like lavender or jasmine rose,

whatever makes you feel good, when you have all of these senses ignited. And then there's touch. The thing about touch is also in this scenario is like sheets, getting some really good sheets so you know when you're with somebody like these sheets feel good having really fluffy soft pillows on your couch wherever you're going to be engaging in all this for a play even just around yourself with good quality materials and sheets are so important for this. Also thinking about what you're wearing can help. You know, I know what I'm just walking around in my sweats like I have been for the last year and a half. I'm like,

oh, God, I'm ready to put pants on. I feel better just for myself. All genders, what makes you feel sexy? What outfits do you feel good in? Whether it's lingerie or cosplay or costumes or roleplay, roleplays are really fun thing to do with your partner. You know, pull out those Halloween costumes. Don't just save for Halloween, you can go shopping together, buy some wigs. They get excited about a new roleplay activity that you can do together. So taste, you guys. Yes, our bodies are delicious, but you can also play around with tasty foods in your home,

things that make you catch you in the mood. I don't know. I love having like strawberries and chocolate and it's as cliches it might sound. It's because does some food is sexy to eat. Oh of course I love flavored lube. You know you've got the mood set. Don't you already feel more in the mood? Well maybe you're thinking what do I do next? Well, that I have one of my top tips is to slow down, go five times slower. Pay attention to your partner. And let's emphasize, again, outer course. Try a massage candle.

And outer course is really all about touch. And you're part of filling your hands on their body without going right for the genitals. Sometimes our genitals are not warmed up again. So this is where you get to explore the primary, the secondary, your Roger Nisones, which there's many. There's many Roger Nisones on our body and we usually just think of a few of them. Could be your neck, your feet, your inner elbow.

Get curious about all those parts. I love a good session of sensory play. And this is where you could have a bowl of ice cubes next to the bed. You could use some of system joes. They have a cooling loop, they have heating loops, heating pads, warm compresses, massage candles. Play with different temperatures.

There's different sensations like feathers and scarves. There's different sensations that feel great when you're playing with your partner. You can also do a little strip tease for your partner, really there for yourself. Do your strip tease and look at yourself in the mirror. It's kind of hot. This is where also dirty talking and sexting.

I mean, foreplay can be setting your partner a sexy text and telling him what you look for it to doing later. All of this counts. Well, sexting is great because it's a way to create anticipation for what comes next or what you're into. You could also let your partner know it's something you want to try because sometimes those conversations can be really awkward to have them one-on-one with your partner. So if you're like sexy text, thinking about tasting you later, you know, can't stop thinking

about last night. And then you know what it is when you get one of those texts or your heart races, you get excited. Well, that's what we're talking about. Keeping your own pilot light lit, keeping that energy flowing. And if you want help with dirty talking sexting, we have a great article on our site and ask Emily, how do I get better at dirty talk?

We also have a podcast talk dirty to me with Joanna Angel. Row playing is a really fun way to spice it up. I mean, really, just wearing a wig or playing sexy strangers and going to a bar with different names. All that stuff is just like one thing different that you could do to play together and continue to connect outside the bedroom. You know how I feel about toys.

I think that exploring with toys and different products is really fun. There's a brand new one by Wevibe. It's called the Bond. I think that exploring the toys and different products is really fun. There's a brand new one by Wevibe. It's called the Bond. And it's a wearable stimulation ring that goes around the penis. You control it with an app. You can control it with a remote.

And it can be worn discreetly. So delivering these subtle sensations throughout the evening, you can just be wearing it. No one has to know. Maybe your partner is controlling it even in public and if you want to be teased, if you want to be 10 lies, if you just want to be turned on and Vibed even when no one knows it. That notion turns you on. Butt plugs are really fun. B vibe has amazing butt plugs. All these products can be used as

For play throughout the day in the evening. you can put them inside your entire anus, genitalia, and just let the vibes keep the energy going. I mean, listen, if you've got a butt plug in or you're wearing one of these new wee vibes, it's like, that's for play right there. That's going to get you in the mood and ready for what comes next. So those are awesome fun products to get you started with your four play and just to keep it hot, keep it fresh.

After this word from our sponsors, I answer a question from Jenny who's never had an orgasm. Oh, don't worry, Jenny, we've got this. Be right back. Let me tell you about a couple of old friends of mine. They're the kind of friends you hope never change because you love them so much the way they are.

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That's sexwithemleecom slash wvib today We have Jenny 37 from New York City Hello, hi, hi Jenny. Hi. How are you? Thanks for calling in are you kidding? Thank you. So welcome. How can I help you? I don't think I've ever had an orgasm. Okay. Like it's the same thing kind of always happens like with a partner or with myself. It's like I get there. I get to the point where I'm like here it is. This is it. It's happening and then there's no final button. There's no involuntary release. That's what it's supposed to be. You're right. It's a kind of explosion. Yeah, I don't have. Okay. Tell me about your masturbation routine. In frequent and inconsistent.

Well, masturbation is a practice and the way you're going to have your first orgasm and you're going to know you have an orgasm is if you spend time developing that relationship with yourself. That's really how we become the greatest lovers to everybody, to our partners and to ourselves, is to just say, you know, I had my best friend in college. She decided that she was going to, is our junior year, and she had an internship, and she said, I'm going to go away for a month,

and I'm going to spend every day for 30 days master, but she never had orgasm, and I'm going to spend every day for 30 days master but she never had orgasm and I'm going to try every day to master weight. And it didn't happen the first week, didn't have the second week, but by the third week she finally had an orgasm, she finally figured out her body, it took her every night for three weeks, four weeks. It's a practice. I have never heard of masturbation or orgasm

until I was 25. And then I was pissed that no one told me, right? Think. But like it didn't happen without you committing to it. And then you will know. So what's the thing? What? How do you know when it's an actual physical

and a timeical problem, and when it's like, an emotional mental block? They're all related. And that's the thing about orgasms. You're like, what's a quick fix? Like I could tell you get a toy, but if you're on certain medications, if you have a lot of stress and you hold your body really tight, if you had grew up in an environment where there was a lot of shame around sex, you were told it wasn't okay to be sexual, that if you masturbate, you'll go to hell.

Someone shamed you when high school wants. You know, it's all of these things that factor into it. So is there a world in which there's an actual physical problem? And it's an anatomical problem that's not overcomable. Is that an actual thing? Because I've listened to the podcast that said it was like 10% of women. No, I'm telling you, I've never met somebody. I think that most women are pre-orgasmic,

but they're not unable to orgasm. And when I say in that, I mean, maybe that was confusing, I should explain it. There has been studies that show that how close your clitoris is to your vaginal opening, if it's less than like a thumb, less than an inch, closer to your vaginal opening, you're more likely to have an orgasm during penetration.

That's all. It's a literally imperceptible. So don't even, I mean, I really have never had anyone call and say, I've tried everything you said Emily, I didn't have an orgasm. And we're talking 16 years. So I don't know where that 10% lives.

I've never heard from them. Maybe they stopped listening to the show and they just get, I don't know. But if you told me that, yeah, I've been trying everything. I bought toys and I used them regularly and I used lube and I breathed and I spent some time alone myself and I touched my body and I thought about sexy things or I just breathed and did some mindful masturbation and I did it for an hour or 30 minutes, several times

for a month and it didn't work. Then we could talk. But I'm not hearing that from you. Okay, that's fair. I don't think I've done all that level of work. But like, how do you get over that hump? How do you get to, because for me, it's like, I'd get to that point like this is it,

it's happening, this has got to be it, and then there's no explosion, it more kind of dissipates. Tell me about this hump. Is it winter with a partner or by yourself, masterpiece? Both. Well, okay. So, for example, the other day I was having sex with my boyfriend, or I love having sex with.

And, you know, my gosh, the point was like, oh my god, don't stop. Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop. And then instead of an involuntary release, it was more like a, this can't go anywhere else. I needed to stop. And so it's sort of, was that something from your brain or your body? Did your body start to say this is all I could go with? Did you have pain? I would call it pain.

No, it's not pain. Okay. But it does get a little discomfort. It's more like, unless this really is uncomfortable. Okay. And they're really happened. So I'm like, man, let's turn this off. Now the majority of vulva owners,

if they're going to have an orgasm, it starts with the clitoris. It's external. And the reason most, and do you know this, the majority of vulva owners, vagina owners, they do not have an orgasm with anything inside of them. It's all from the clitoris, which is external, clitorial stimulation. How much time are you spending on the outside? I would say not much.

Not much. Okay, like a midi, like a midi, because, okay, it starts you spending on the outside? I would say not not much. Okay. Like a like a minute because it starts to get comfortable on the outside. What do you mean by that? It gets just two intense. It just gets two and it just becomes too much. I like it anymore. I want to get my hold on.

I want to get my vulva puppet. Hold on. I need to get some pops one second. Okay. So this is your your vulva, right? Which is the external part. Okay, so this is your vulva, right, which is the external part, okay? So this is your vagina, right? That's where like penis goes inside.

And then this is your clitoris. This is the inter, so this goes behind, okay? This is your clitorial nerves. It's at 8,000 nerve endings. And everybody assumes it's just this little bulb here, but there's actually the clitoris has legs so the legs are deep inside and so the thing is is that the majority of us This whole area just an externally rubbing this is what could turn you on so if you're taking the vibrator whatever it is You're going

And then you're like there's no Lou when there's no arm and then you stick it inside. That's not going to feel good for most people, but have you spent time just teasing it? Like for me, if I would need to tap with fingers and spend could take 20 minutes, the majority of, there's something called the orgasm gap. Do you know that majority of men can orgasm in four minutes to six, four to six minutes and for the majority of vulva owners, it's 18 to 40 minutes. Makes sense. Such checks out. I'm going to say, have you ever had any like accidents or something happen when you were

like riding a bike? Did you have any tears? Did you have any surgeries? No, no, but I, you know, I was raised,, you know, within a time, Catholic mother, and I was definitely raised on why by the cow when you can get them ill for free. And, you know, if you have sex before marriage, you're not gonna find a husband, ironically, all my slutty friends from high school

are married with kids, and I'm still single. You know, I had sex late in life. I made 20s when I had sex for the first time. So there is some of that. I definitely did not start masturbating until my 20s. Okay. So I'm definitely playing a little bit of catch up. But at this point, I'm kind of like why is this just like not happening? And I'm also not the guy who I really like having sex with, who I trust. And it just seems like it should just be happening, happening naturally. And it's not.

So it doesn't happen naturally. It doesn't happen to me now. I feel like think I have to have things work. I need the lube. I need the, I need to be someone I trust and they like and everything's cleaned up in my house. And if the sheets are like, I feel like you are so focused on how it should be. Right. Honestly, I don't know orgasm.

I won't know orgasm every time. If I grab my vibrator, I know that I will, but this ticks practice. So I think that, maybe for what I'm hearing hearing is it's kind of a combination of growing up in a home where it wasn't okay. Because listen, we don't just turn 18 and leave our parents house and leave all that behind. You just hear that messaging. You grew up and it doesn't just pfff go away.

So I think that once you start to say does this message still serve me? Do I still believe that? And if it's still coming, come up. Like if you could just start in chunks and just say, I'm going to keep taking myself back to my breath and what I'm feeling in the moment. If your thoughts arise, you could say I'm going to give it 30 minutes a day. I mean, I think you're worth that. 30 minutes a day without your phone and without you could try some mindful masturbation.

Just really a practice of focusing on your senses and what you're feeling in the moment when your mind is wandering, is this it? You get curious. You take a mirror, you look between your legs and you're like, like, if you do this, you'll see, look at your eyes just opened up. Like you would never, your eyes, Jenny, you have done this yet. Yeah, I saw your reaction. Take a look.

Make, get to know her and you'll notice that when you take some loop and you go slow, she saw your reaction. Take a look, Mick, get to know her. And you'll notice that when you take some loop and you go, so she starts to swell, she starts to open, it's like beautiful. That's like the Georgia O'Keefe, the orchid opens. That is our body, our flower. Like if you haven't done that yet, then there's still some shame around it.

Yeah. I'm asking you to commit to me that you'll try this. I know saying every day is hard, but what if it's three days a week? And you're just going to do all you're going to do is you're going to take a look. Some lube, you're going to breathe, and you're going to just go slow, practice with different fingers, with different motions around your clitoris, the vibrator, breathe. You could think about things that have happened that have turned you on in the past. Read a radical, watch Bolesa.

Female, friendly porn. You can check out some of it for free. Porn that speaks to you might make you feel like you're not in your head worrying as it's the orgasm. You'll get caught up in the fantasy and the romance of it. Have you ever tried that? I have not. Okay.

I would check out Bolesa and then we do a mindful masturbation side on our site, six tips for mastering the game-changing technique of mindful masturbation. So I think just kind of reframing this, I do not believe that you are going to be unable to have an orgasm. I will not buy that. It's on its table. I know. What life is that going to be?

I would never have had one if I didn't get this job to figure out, like, make it my life's work. So I can help people like you. There's a lot of people in the same boat as you. I would never have had one if I didn't get this job to figure out like make it my life's work. So I can help people like you. There's a lot of people in the same boat as you.