Sex With Emily - Forget These Myths for Better Sex

Episode Date: April 4, 2025

What’s a common stereotype you’ve heard about sex? Maybe it’s that “guys just want one thing” or that “once you have kids, say goodbye to your sex life.” But not only are these stereotypes tiresome on a societal level, they actually hurt your sex life. Why? Because if you buy them, they limit your pleasure potential.  So on today’s show, I reveal the top 3 sexual stereotypes penis owners and vulva owners told me they were tired of, and the new truths that are going to empower you in bed. I also give you quick communication hacks to help you get curious with any partner, whether they’re long-term or brand new, so that you can have the sex you actually want.  Join the SmartSX Membership: Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. Yes! No! Maybe? List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides.  SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website  Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok | Threads | YouTube Let’s text: Sign up here Want me to slide into your email inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com

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Plus enjoy free shipping on orders over a hundred dollars. That's vii a Hemp calm use code Emily at checkout. That's via hump.com use code Emily at checkout. Happy shopping These stereotypes are so deeply baked into our culture and honestly like I in the past I believe many of these things. I was like, he doesn't want sex, must be my fault or why isn't he showing through his pants and all the things like these are just really harmful. So I want you all to check this and say like not like just nod and be like, okay, yeah, but really take it in.

How are you believing these stereotypes and how is it impacting your relationship right now? You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So what's a common stereotype you've heard about sex? Maybe it's that guys just want one thing or that once you have kids kids say goodbye to your sex life But not only are those stereotypes tiresome on societal level they actually hurt your sex life

Why well because if you buy into them, they basically limit your pleasure potential So on today's show I revealed the top three sexual stereotypes Penis owners and vulva owners told me they were tired of and the new truths that are going to empower you in bed. I also give you quick communication hacks to help you get curious with any partner, whether they're long term or brand new so that you can have the sex you actually want. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the podcast. It just helps get the podcast out to more people like you. You can find us on all social media.

It is at Sex With Emily. And don't forget to check out my new article, How to Spring Clean Your Sex Life on SexWithEmily.com. All right everyone, enjoy this episode. What's a common stereotype you've heard of when it comes to sex? What's a common stereotype you've heard of when it comes to sex?

What's a common stereotype you've heard of when it comes to sex? What's a common stereotype you've heard of when it comes to sex? Maybe it's, oh, guys always want it more than women. Or once you hit menopause, ladies, it's game over for your sex life. Say goodbye. But here's the thing about stereotypes. Once you start challenging them and digging beneath the surface and seeing like, is this actually true? Your sex life gets way better. Because even though these are big societal cliches, we all hear them and take them in. And that creates a lot of defeating assumptions around

sex. And by the way, this limits your pleasure. We believe them to be true and it's going to hurt us in the bedroom. So on today's show, I'm going to debunk common stereotypes for vulva owners and penis owners so you can know what's what and have better hotter sex. So what I'm gonna do is reveal the top three stereotypes vulva owners said they want to challenge. Reveal the top three stereotypes penis owners want to challenge and give you communication hacks and other tools to increase your pleasure and start connecting on a deeper level. And I'm also taking some calls about some stereotypes. So let's get into it. These are the top sexual stereotypes for vulva owners that we don't enjoy sex and have low sex drives.

The truth is vulva owners want sex and can even have higher sex drives than their partners, specifically their partners with a penis. And I'm gonna be really honest with you all. When I first started as a sex educator, I literally will never forget the day I learned this wasn't true. It was pretty early on and I was blown away that vulva owners could actually have higher sex drives than penis owners. I believe that trope that women are frigid, we're never in the mood for sex, and men have to get their fix, and we don't really like sex to the point where I actually believed it. I actually believe this was true. And I was so like, are you guys sure this really

isn't true? Like you know what I mean? Like when you challenge me, you're like holy there's another way. But not only did I learn it, I started countless conversations with friends soon after once I told them what I was doing and what I was studying. And sure enough enough I came to find out I had so many female friends that were like yeah I want sex way more than my partner he'd never want sex that I just found out wow not only is this true I started to wonder not to create another stereotype but do love owners actually want more sex and penis owners no that's not true either it's not even split in any way

that I can talk about but what I'm telling you is that we all want sex at different times, at different frequencies. No way can you pin heightened sexual desire on one gender. The other problem with this stereotype though, that women have low sex drives is that when a lot of these friends I talk to and listeners, when you get rejected, I'm talking about heterosexual couples here, but when you get rejected by a male partner for wanting sex all the time, because of this stereotype, it allows us to feel like

we are not desirable, we're not sexy, there's something wrong with us. When we believe this stereotype, we think, well, men are made for sex, so if he's rejecting me, there's something seriously wrong with me. And I can't tell you how damaging this is. And again, I haven't heard this as much from penis owners that when their female partner doesn't want sex, it hurts in the same way.

So let's just debunk this myth together. And let me tell you this. My dear friend Dr. Wednesday Martin has an amazing book that y'all should read called Untrue. And Untrue offers updated science, science people, science on female sexuality. And one of her main points is about monogamy and how it's definitely a tighter shoe for women in the long run than men. Like women struggle with monogamy in ways that aren't often documented or that we hear about. And I'm not saying that every vulva owner wants to be non-monogamous at all. But what I am saying and what Wednesday says in her book is that novelty is a big deal for female sexuality.

It really is like we want variety, we want different locations and positions and sometimes we want you to talk dirty and sometimes we want to dress up, we want you to dress up, like we want to mix it up. It's not that we're naturally less sexual at all. It's just we want some novelty, we want to dress up, we want you to dress up, like we want to mix it up. It's not that we're naturally less sexual at all. It's just we want some novelty, we want some variety, we want some spontaneity. The latest research does show that in long-term monogamous relationships,

a women's sex drive tends to taper in years one to four. So bottom line, being sexually bored, not the same thing as being less sexual. Vulva owners are just as sexual as penis owners, but they might need just some more novelty and variety to keep their drive high. And variety doesn't necessarily mean other partners. The last thing I want you to go away with and say, God, everyone wants other, all the vulva owners want other partners. No, I'm just saying you could get variety in a lot of different ways. And you know, a lot of things I talk about in the show, if you listen, you realize or go to our website,

you know that novelty doesn't have to mean a whole revamp of your sex life. It could literally mean, I got a new lube. We had sex in the living room instead of the bedroom. We talked about our sex life today. That could be the variety I'm talking about. But you might be surprised to learn that many people have sex in the same way, at the same time, in the same location, the same position, doing the same old thing with the same person every single day for their entire relationship.

And then they wonder why they no longer are excited for sex. So let's mix it up. Alright, the second stereotype about vulva owners, they all want the same thing in bed. You know what the truth is? We all have unique sexual desires. We're all like snowflakes and there is this long-standing do this and make her cum mentality like pick-up-artist style assumption like if you do this thing with your finger, if you say this thing, she's going to want more. If you master this one move, she's going to freak out in bed and crown you her king. That's none of that is true. And by the way, this is a reminder

to anybody with a vulva owner, just because your last partner wanted something in bed doesn't mean it's going to work for your current partner. You know, when you went down in your last vulva owner, just because your last partner wanted something in bed, doesn't mean it's gonna work for your current partner. You know, when you went down in your last vulva, maybe she wanted fingers and a mouth and different movements and then you're with a new partner and you do the same thing with the finger and the mouth and she's like, what the hell are you doing?

So this means that we have to pay attention, that every time you're with a new partner, you gotta pay attention, you gotta ask questions, you gotta ask what do they want in bed? Because there's no way you're gonna learn new partner, you got to pay attention, you got to ask questions, you got to ask what do they want in bed because there's no way you're gonna learn from past partner. And porn might make you think that every Volvo owner wants anal, anal without lube. Oh that drives me crazy. Why do they show anal without lube in porn? But anyway, it might make you think that they want anal, that they want to squirt, that they want you to choke them. And if you just master these moves, you are golden with every woman forever.

Not the case at all. We do not want the same things in bed. So instead of making an assumption, why not just ask, so what are you into? What's something you'd like to try in bed? Remember communication is lubrication. I know I've got a ton of communication tools on my website. In fact, this show could just be called communication with Emily because yeah know I've got a ton of communication tools on my website. In fact, this show could just be called Communication with Emily.

Cause yeah, I've got lots of sex tips, but we really also need to communicate. So if you go to sexwithemily.com slash guides, I give you tools to help you know yourself sexually, know your partner, get ideas for new things to try, and ask a partner, like what new activities do they want to explore? Okay, the third stereotype we hear about vulva owners,

once you hit menopause, sex won't be as good. Here's truth, ton of vulva owners say that sex gets better the older they get. Can we just let go of this idea that a woman being past her prime and she just no longer is sexually viable or can have sex like that's just all untrue. Remember being fertile is not the same thing as being sexual. You might not be able to have babies once you hit menopause but it

doesn't mean you don't want to have sex. What's happening during menopause is that there are hormones. Our hormones are changing. We have ever changing hormones that are gonna impact our ability to feel sexual and to experience pleasure in the same way. But it's all treatable. For example, here's some common menopausal symptoms and how to treat them.

I can't talk about menopause enough. I'm just saying, no, we talked about it. It was like whispers. It was like, it doesn't happen. Like my mom never mentioned it. But now what I love is that we're having so many conversations about it. So any chance I get, I really want to give you the right information because I know there's just been this dearth of information for so long. So even if you're not in menopause, you will be. You have OVA. You're going to get there. Maybe your mom or your aunt or your sister or your neighbor needs

this information. So just listen up. You might have vaginal dryness, especially if you're going through menopause. But side note, you might have it anyway from other medications you're on, birth control pills and all the things. But let's talk about menopause specifically. Use lube. Use lube all the time. Another common menopausal symptom is the thinning of your vaginal tissues, which means you might have pain. You might have more UTIs. You know, sex resistance, pleasurable. This is all due to low estrogen. And contrary to popular belief the last 20 years, estrogen therapy is very, very helpful for treating these symptoms.

And the reason why we didn't talk about for 20 years is because there was a lot of misinformation that hormone replacement therapy was gonna cause breast cancer or cancer. And we are finding now that none of that was true and that for many many many years before that women were using estrogen therapy to help them with all of these things specifically the pain UTIs just help strengthen your vaginal walls so huge fan of estrogen and hormone therapy. Another thing I want to remind you is if you are having lower desire or you're not in the mood for sex, I just want to remind you this goes for

everyone truly, but masturbation. Masturbate. Remember that sex begets sex. So if you haven't been having any sex with anyone else and you have been having sex with yourself, well of course you're not in the mood. The more you do it the more you remember why you have it. Orgasms are good for you. They boost your mood, they help with blood flow and masturbation also works your pelvic floor and keeps the blood flowing to your genitals. And I just want to remind you there are hormone free supplements as well that you can take with sex supportive ingredients. There's just a lot

of solutions and I'm going to continue to talk about this with you as the months and years go on. All right don't go away because after the break, I'm revealing the sexual stereotypes that penis owners are tired of hearing. Let's get into it. The top sexual stereotypes for penis owners. Ready? They're tired of hearing that they only care about the sex

and they don't care about the sex. Let's get into it. The top sexual stereotypes for penis owners. Ready? They're tired of hearing that they only care about the sex and they don't care about feelings. Does that relate? Well here's the truth. Penis owners need emotional connection just as much as vulva owners. Can I hear it for emotional intelligence? Can I hear it for giving penis owners the right to have feelings and emotions? Let's just get rid of this one once and for all.

I heard this one so much on the Twitter thread. Ton of men told me the thing they hated most was being seen as a horny caveman who didn't care about the cuddles. I literally heard this. They don't care about emotional connection and they're like, whoa, give me my woman. I'm just gonna hop her and then leave her on the side.

No, this is true. And even in casual sex settings, it's a myth to think that penis owners are simply using you. Yeah, maybe there are some, but I'm telling you there's vulva owners who might be using you too. So let's not cast stones in any directions, okay? The reason this stereotype is so damaging because it's an extension of that boys will be boys idea. It's just so outdated and so harmful. Penis owners are multi-dimensional and everyone's pleasure potential can get so much better once we stop viewing their sexuality as this purely surface level thing. Like they'll just stick it in

anything. You know that whole American pie whatever not true so everyone know American pie reference of like fucking the pie all right cool okay number two stereotype men don't have body image issues truth they do at least some men do I don't think it's been as commonplace for men to feel safe saying I don't feel great about my body so it is incorrect to assume that body image issues are only a female thing. Many penis owners think their bodies have to look a certain way or they have to be a certain height or a certain way. Believe me they do these concerns and a lot of penis owners told me that the stereotype that hurt the most was this

idea that they were supposed to have bulging penises all the time ready to go even when they were flaccid. Like youises all the time, ready to go even when they were flaccid. Like you have to be a shower not a grower and by the way most men are growers. Okay? So this whole like, gotta look at the bulge on their pants and it should be a thing. Like this is so harmful. Can you imagine? Like again, I would have a moment for all the penis owners out there like it is not easy. These stereotypes are so deeply baked into our culture. And honestly, like I in the past,

I believe many of these things. I was like, he doesn't want sex, must be my fault. Or why isn't he showing through his pants and all the things like these are just really harmful. So I want you all to check this and say like, not like just nod and be like, okay, yeah, but really take it in. How are you believing these stereotypes

and how is it impacting your relationship right now? Now listen, in my book, Smart Sex, I have a whole section on self-acceptance. An exercise is designed to help you see yourself in a much more positive light. I'll tell you a few of those here. First, learning to accept your body. Stand in the mirror naked

and state the things you are grateful for. Like, what do you actually like about your body? It could just be like I love that I have strong legs that allow me to walk from point A to B. Or I love my cheekbones. I love my lips. I love my hair. We all have things to be grateful for and even in times of great distress and feeling bad about ourselves, which I'm gonna say we all have these challenges from time to time. I don't think anyone gets away from this.

If you actually are somebody who goes through life and loves everything about you and you have none of these challenges, just email me. I just wanna talk to you. I wanna do a whole episode with you. I wanna hear how you literally love every part of your body, every piece of hair, every thing, every muscle, every bone, everything.

I just wanna know, I wanna know you. I wanna every bone, everything. I just want to know you. I want to be friends with you. I want to hang out with you. But anyway, we can all find things that we appreciate. Like the fact that I'm just sitting here and I can sit, sit up straight, and I'm not lying down right now, that I can talk and use my vocal cords and the way that you are able to communicate. I am just super grateful. So it really helps to find those things in yourself that you are grateful for, especially when you are on a whole body hating or body not loving place. I just ask that we can get to a place

of even body neutrality, being neutral about your body. It's a great place to start. Now I also know there are penis owners who would like to change the appearance of their penis. Bottom line is, penis owners enjoy praise and compliments and hearing that you desire them and what you love about them. That took me a while to learn too,

because I'm someone who loves praising compliments, but I was like, well, he's confident, he's got it. He doesn't want to hear it. And in fact, penis owners have to learn to receive compliments too, because I think that we, I think that, I don't know, maybe it's a little bit easy for Volvo owners, but I know you guys need it.

I know you do. We want it and it's okay. I want to give you permission. If you have a penis to ask for what you need in praise wise. And I also want to remind you, if you're with a penis owner, they need it too. And who doesn't need a compliment? In fact, I'd love you to give compliment

to your partner tonight or really anyone. It could be your friend, your partner. Like when was the last time you gave a genuine compliment to somebody? And the side note is be specific in your compliments. Rather than you look hot, you could say like, I really love the way that shirt looks on your sexy body. That color looks great.

It really brings out your sparkly eyes. So get specific. Compliments really even mean that much more when you can tailor it to the person you're talking to. The last stereotype we're gonna retire for penis owners is prostate play is gay. Here's the truth. A gland is a gland and your prostate does not care what's touching it or who is touching it. If it feels good, that's amazing. And let me tell you what, penis owners have a prostate, love owners do not have a prostate

and it feels amazing when touched. Both men and women share this assumption. They share this assumption that if you want your prostate played with, which is just really sitting there waiting to be touched, cause it feels so good, it means that you're queer. And I hear it from you, you're saying, does it mean that my partner is gay?

You know, I saw him watching porn or he asked me to penetrate him or he asked me to use my fingers, like, is he gay? I'm so worried. I'm gonna remind you here, there was a lot that goes into your sexuality and orientation. And one sex act does not dictate that at all. It just means that you're highly educated around sex and pleasure, which I love.

So back to the prostate, it is a way for penis owners to have internal orgasms, much like vulva owners and g-spot orgasms. And PS, if I haven't made this clear, prostate orgasms feel incredible. All right, so what can we do to move on from these stereotypes and have better sex? So maybe you're listening and you're thinking, you know, I have heard some of these stereotypes before and assume they were true because why wouldn't I? This is what I've heard my whole life. I don't blame you. That's why I was so excited to do this episode.

And that's why I'm so grateful that you all chimed in and let me know that yeah these are the stereotypes you're tired of too. But what leads to a better sex life is curiosity. Being non-judgmental, being open, having difficult conversations or awkward conversations about sex. Because when we get curious instead of assuming, we open up so much more potential for pleasure. Okay, but how do we do it? How do we express our curiosity? Well, by learning to be a great communicator. Which by the way, you might talk a lot and you might feel like you're a great communicator, but you're probably not. It's a learned skill. You have to learn to be a communicator. No one taught you to be a communicator. Maybe you're

great parents who modeled this or great. You've taken some classes on it, but honestly, you just, there's so many layers to be able to be a great communicator. No one taught you to be a communicator. Maybe you're great parents who modeled this or great. You've taken some classes on it, but honestly, just there's so many layers to be able to be a great communicator. And on my website, you will find tools to help you have these conversations with a partner and understand yourself more deeply. Because once we start to understand ourselves, it's all a process, but you'll learn how to be a better communicator. And also in my book, Smart Sex, there are so many great communication tools. All right, everyone. So remember, have conversations, do the work. When I say the work, talk to your partner about things,

get into therapy, deal with childhood trauma, deal with any drama, but learn how to be a great communicator. Set up weekly conversations with your partner where you talk about things that are difficult. Because if you're not talking about your sex life, I'm going to go on a limb there and say your sex life isn't the best it can be. So let's talk, let's lose the stereotypes, and let's find some time to communicate in an open, healthy, inclusive way. That's what I'm all about and that's what I'm all about. And that's what I hope you're gonna be about too. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review

wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or a partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter or X and Facebook. It's all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and, TikTok, Twitter, or X and Facebook. It's all at Sex With Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up on SexWithEmily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or just go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at SexWithEmily.com.