Sex With Emily - From Quarral-tine to Quaran-team with Jamye Waxman

Episode Date: April 14, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is joined by marriage and sex therapist Jamye Waxman to talk about how partners can connect better while quarantining at home. Plus, she’s answering your sex & relationship questions. The two practice some exercises you can do with your partner to help you feel more present and grounded, as well as some ways to lessen your porn usage if it’s become a problem in your relationship. Then, Emily gives advice on going from a BDSM relationship into a vanilla one, and what to do when your partner’s orgasm threshold is putting a damper on your sex life.Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFor more on Jamye Waxman, visit https://www.waxmansextherapy.com/For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit http://sexwithemily.com/  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

for people who are even not with a partner right now, and feeling like they have no way of connecting and whatnot, it's really important to think about what's going on, what do I need right now? What is my observation about how I'm feeling, and what do I need to change that feeling if it's not working? Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily.

I'm Dr. Emily, and on today's show, I'm joined by Mar marriage and sex therapist, Jamie Aksman, to talk about how partners can connect better while quarantining at home. Plus, I'm answering your sex and relationship questions. Topics include, exercises you can do with your partner to help you feel more present and grounded. Ways to lessen your porn usage if it's become a problem in your relationship. How to go from a BDSM relationship into a vanilla one, and what to do when your partner's

orgasm threshold is putting a damper on your sex life. All this and more, thanks for listening. Have a man obsessed by sex? Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized they call them in a fight on me. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my!

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I feel so proud. Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. And you can check out everything we do on social media, which is sex with Emily across the board. We've been doing a lot more content for you,

these with all these strange times and a lot more lives. So check those out, because I just wanna be able to answer your questions and help you and be here for you. All right, intentions with Emily. For each show, I set an intention and join me. You can do the same. So basically when you're listening,

think about what I wanna to get out of listening to this episode. How could it help you? It could be both my partner and I are having a really hard time at home. We need techniques to keep from irritating each other. My intention for the show is to give you and your partner some tools to keep grounded, irritate each other,

the least amount possible, and actually improve your communication. All right, guys guys enjoy the show? I'm here with my very special guest, Jamie Waxman. Jamie's a sex therapist, Meredith family therapist. She's been an industry for over 20 years. You've heard her on the show a bunch. Where can people find you, Jamie?

What's the best place to find you right now? Well, my website is waxmansextherapy.com. And on Instagram, I'm Sex Therapist Mom. Okay, great. And you're taking clients right now. You're still been seeing your clients at home, right? Yeah. I honestly tell a health is such a shift in how I've ever done therapy.

But what I really like about, like even this medium seeing you this way, Emily, is that you can still connect with people. You still get a chance to see their body language and what's going on and talk and it's not as nice necessarily as being able to connect in person with people all the time, but it's a great alternative. Well, here's the thing, what's really different about it? Like in a way, being a therapist. Well, it's interesting because in one way, it's more interesting when you get to see people's homes. As I imagine some of my clients look at, you know, my office with all of this stuff in it and start to analyze. So you get to see a little bit more house

somebody lives. Of course, they can, you know, show you just a corner of their house, the clean corner as well. Exactly. But the thing I think I just miss is being able to really see a full body. Like that's the big difference is you're getting a picture from a certain vantage point and we plot it so that we look a certain way. And so there's just some of that missing, some of the intimacy that comes by being in a closed space

and being able to connect that way. But otherwise, outside of also staring at a screen all day, I think for a lot of people, it's really tiring to stare at a screen all day. It is. And people who are in jobs where they do this, I think a lot more people have empathy now for how exhausting it can be.

It's true. It can be pretty exhausting. But I'm glad that you are here with me and making time even though you're busy. So how do couples deal with being cooped up together? Like I just keep thinking about all the couples who had issues before and they might not have the great communication skills. They might not know about setting boundaries.

So what are people, what are you hearing right now Jamie? What's going on? I'm hearing all different things. It reminds me of a call I got recently, a couple who for a long time their sex life and their marriage has been teetering and hasn't been working for one partner. And now because they're in quarantine, it's a great time to really figure this out. They're working really well as parents, but they were having a hard time working as a couple in terms of their sex and what they want in their relationship. And they figured, well, we have nowhere to go right now so let's work through this.

So I'm seeing a lot of people who feel really ambitious to work through things but then I'm also seeing people who are using the financial piece which makes a lot of sense as a way to stop working through things also and the sense like that we can't afford to work on our relationship and I get that and I mean now, I'm working with people in a very different way than I have before in terms of just even being really flexible with rates and things like that. But you see a lot of people who are thinking, like, well, we have to prioritize our lives right now. And so our relationship isn't a priority. Which I think is really insightful into where this is going to go down the road for some of those couples. And then I have other couples who are just saying to me,

like, we still need this every week. We're not having sex or we're not having the kind of sex we want or we're not communicating in the ways that we want. And at least we have this hour that's like a safe space where we can do this. So a lot of my clients are still showing up and still doing the work because for them, this was already a lot for a lot of people having a place to talk about sex and relationships is a sanctuary space. Yeah absolutely, Jamie. What do you do for couples though that are just saying we're too distracted. Make it you can't do anything because they're probably not making the appointments, but there's probably in relationships I would think one person who's super stressed out about it, right? Who's made

it more anxious and worried and then someone else is like, no, let's keep seeing Jamie or like Waxman, let's keep doing it. Like, do we have to be patient and let them go through their process of anxiety and worry? Or how do you snap people out of it and be like, this is our reality? Like, it's hard, especially when you're really activated and you're in a high anxiety zone. It's very hard to actually come back down and regulate and you need to use tools to get there. You need to use if it's the five senses activity, right? Here are five things I can see, four things I can smell, three things I can touch, two things I can hear, and one thing I can taste

or whatever. What are the five senses? What does that do for us, the five sense exercise? Yeah, so it takes us out of our anxiety and allows us to get present with where we are. We can't say, I'm really anxious and at the same time say, I see a calendar in front of me, right? We have to stop the thought process from going in order to actually be present with what we're seeing, what we're hearing. So it's a way of grounding and a way of just noticing, okay, here's where I'm actually at right now

and those things that I'm thinking about because right now, it's really hard to not be on your phone, online, looking at news, projecting about how long you might be stuck in doors, right? So there's so much, it's so easy to let our minds get away from us that I'm looking at ways that I can bring you back into the room and to bring you back into a space where you just notice where you are right now

and that right now wherever you are is most likely okay. Okay, I like it. Okay, so let's do it. Let's play the game, okay. All right, so let's start. Tell me five things that you can see right now Emily. Okay, I see my notebook, my journal.

I see a glass of water. I see a lip balm. I see my AirPods and my phone. Is that five? That's five. So we'll go into touch next, since the very war, what are four things that you can touch? I can touch this closet that I'm using as my desk. I can touch the chair,

I can touch my arm, I can touch the microphone, I can touch my hair, touch my nose. Great. It's been six. That was six. That's great. Okay, what are three things that you can hear? three things that you can hear. I hear you. If I take, I can hear the ocean. I think I hear a lawnmower. Yeah. And what are two things you can smell right now? I smell like a musty humidity. Okay. I smell an incense that I was lighting earlier. And what about one thing you can touch? Oh, we know we did touch.

I'm sorry, we did touch. One thing you can taste. I'm hungry. I'm going to have a glass of water. Can I taste water? Yeah, I can taste water. Oh, that's good. Water. So what? You notice when you were going through. It's funny that you said it because I actually felt, because I always have a look, current of anxiety, high energy running through me and I felt, I feel much more present right now. I feel like much more grounded and slower and

Super much more present with you right now. Even though you always make me feel present when I'm with you So that's really cool. That is an amazing exercise. So we can do that for ourselves. It's a way to sort of get back control. We have this perception that we have control over many things in our lives that we actually don't necessarily have control over. And this allows us to space where we really can feel as much control in our environment as we are allowed in a moment. So there's so much unknown right now going on. There's so much we don't know about anything in the near future. And this allows us to just get really present

in our moment and where we are at. Okay, that is great advice. So we can even help our partners by doing that exercise with them. Well, yeah, and I wanna talk about it from a sexual perspective. You could do that next. Yes.

As a sex exercise, right? Five things I can see right now on my partner or about in a sexual environment, I can see how your chest is breathing up and down and you might even be able to feel that. I can see how you're getting hard or you're getting excited or I can see how what you're wearing. There's ways you can use that exercise

and just make it all about the sexual and central connection. That is such a, so that would be such an interesting tool is what you're saying is that for people who often ask, like, how do I get out of my head? I'm so worried during sex and worried about all the things going on. Maybe they could each do that as a grounding exercise before they even have sex.

Yeah, five things like this. This is, yeah, or five times a month. could each do that as a grounding exercise before they even have sex. Yeah, five things I can. This is me. Yeah, or five cuts you can even start with and four things I can see. Those two I feel like our, and hearing is another one that's pretty easy to access a lot of taste might not be.

So I keep it down at the bottom, but yeah, whatever order and as many as you want to identify. I love this. I wasn't even trying to have sex right now and I just feel grounded and maybe I could have sex. No, but I feel that is a such a great exercise because yeah, Jane, maybe this is not easy times right now. I think if we didn't experience,

I anxiety now we are experiencing it right now. So what about some boundary setting right now? Let's talk about that because you can say, yeah, like you're home and you're using the office, but your husband also can use the office. If we didn't have great communication before either about these things, and now our boundaries are becoming really clear, even if we don't have a name for it. So like, can you give me some examples of what we could do to say, like, I need space. Like I'm hearing that a lot now.

Like right now, well, people are in quarantine. I hear a lot of it's either quarrel team or quarantine, right? So I don't know which it's really good. It's your in, but in terms of setting those balance. Quarrel team or quarantine genius. A lot of America. I think it's really important. Something that my partner and I are doing every night, I'm partially because I'm also parents, so we have to really figure out our schedule and balance this. Is we sit down every evening and we go through our schedule and say, who needs what room when?

And so we know during the day, who is, this is the office, and then the other room that we can work in is the living room area, or we can be with our daughter and be in, you know, doing whatever it is with her. So we are very specific here are the hours that I need this room, here are the hours that I need this room. So we're setting up a schedule the night before for the day of so that we really know our own, where our needs are. And we're talking about it in those terms.

Like, so that's been really helpful. It's just sit down and say, okay, what do you need to get done tomorrow? What kind of space might you need? And having that conversation. So both people feel entitled to say, I need some space, I would love to be in the bedroom for an hour by myself. Or I think it's also really important, as hard as it is to get outside right now in

some places, especially like New York, this might not work as well. But in places where you can get outside and you can social distance, one person going out and taking a walk for an hour, and the other person having the place to themselves for the hour, or if you have a home, one person being in the backyard and being outside intentionally for an hour. So setting some real space boundaries is very important right now. Yeah, that is such a great point because I feel like the day can just get past you and you're just constantly every day going where the day go, I was reactive, I was reactive,

this happened that happened and then you just feel like crap and this is actually I think a great tool to carry. And also I noticed I need space. Now you're driving me crazy, get away from me. There's such a difference in that kind of languaging. Like, those, we've talked about this before a million times. I want to do it again though. Let's do it.

I statements are so important. I'm noticing my anxiety is getting high. I need some space. I notice that I'm like, I can't stop watching the news. Like, I need to get out of the house. Or like, because what we'll do, and again, not all of those necessarily are examples of boundaries you talk to with your partner,

but hopefully most of those are, or for people who are even not with a partner right now, and feeling like they have no way of connecting and whatnot, it's really important to think about what's going on. What do I need right now? What is my observation about how I'm feeling and what do I need to change that feeling

if it's not working? God, it's, why is it so tough to figure out what we need for so many people, we've never even asked ourselves, what do I need? Well, think about when you're born, like you get your needs met from somebody else and for a lot of people, this expectation that our parents are supposed to continue to meet our needs and then our partners continue to meet our

needs. And we don't even know what our needs are. It's so important. And it comes from insects too all the time, right? You see this. I don't know how to have an orgasm. I'm not going to sell pleasure. Like I don't want to figure it out for myself. I want somebody else to figure it out for me. Like there's so many examples of us giving up our power to somebody else because the way that they make us feel just feels so much more familiar than it does necessarily healthy. So what would then I always say, like, take the time,

master, wait, what are some other things, Jamie, because you also think about this. How do we start if we actually never really thought about our sexual needs? I know that's a very base question, but what, like right now, we have to. What we have to do. I've been giving a lot of my couples who are at home who, like I said to them, this is like a great time to really, like this is prioritize sex and sex therapy, even when

you're not seeing me, prioritizing your sexual relationship. I think finding, and I know you have one of these on your website, finding a yes-no-maybe list that really works for you right now and doing that with your partner is so important. Because we talked about this last time or the time before when I was on your show, renegotiating your romantic and sexual relationship with your partner is something we need to be doing more often. And a yes-no-maybe list right now would be a great way to sit down with your partner. Each of you do it on your own time or in your own space

and then come together to talk about it. You could also do it together, but this gives you a little bit of space away from each other as well. And then come back and join and talk about it. I think, yes, no, maybe this is your great place to sit. Yeah, I love that too. Like it just lists all the different sex acts

if you're just joining the show for the first time. It's like, it has everything you can imagine. Like, do you like kissing, spanking, dirty talk, and then you each fill it out. Is that a yes? Is it a no or is it a maybe for you? And then you can come together and see where you meet, where you don't meet, where you can negotiate.

Right. And I love one of the things I love about the scorelet teen yes no maybe list that has been out forever, is that it starts with what you feel about your body. And I had a couple who have been together for 19 years, say to me very recently, I didn't know how she felt about her body and certain parts of her body

until we really went through this list. I knew I was getting reactions like if I grabbed this space or if I grabbed her boobs or if I like touch her butt, but I didn't really understand her relationship with her body. And so it got them to talk about how they each see their bodies. And that was eye-opening for for the husband. That's incredible, Davey. That makes so much sense. So that's that scarletine. Maybe we'll have to mix up our yes-no, maybe list or direct. Yeah, they have a very comprehensive one. It starts with a lot more of the basics and a

lot of boundary settings stuff actually too, which I really love about that list. It's okay to touch me without asking. And again, right now in this time, these things are really important to talk about. Is it okay if you're a partner or wants to have sex that they just go for you or like what are the rules there? What are the rules there? What are, Jamie, this is what's coming up now because if couples had desire to scrub and see before, they were on different pages.

They one person had high desire, low desire. It's all heightened. It's all heightened right now and you can't run, you can't hide. So wow, more than ever you have to be like, this is how I want to initiate. This is how I want you to initiate. This is that compromise, right? Like, having scheduling sex.

And that's, I loved it's stranger things too. Compromise is halfway happy, and I love that term, even though it doesn't sound as exciting. But it's true. And I think every, even when you were talking what came up for me is it might be interesting to have couples Schedule their make their own rules every week. This week you can touch me whenever you want I get to say no whenever I want right next week. You don't touch me unless I ask right like there's ways to really play with this right now And see what actually comes out working for you. I love By being able to try different things.

Nothing is set and stone in this moment. Every day, our lives are changing. This is an unprecedented time. So make it an unprecedented time for you to look into your relationships, either with yourself or with others. And especially if you live with somebody and your romantic partners,

like, or more than one person and your romantic partners, really look into how do we want to play with these boundaries and with our sexual relationship and our intimate and emotional relationship? Wow, Jamie, this is brilliant. It's kind of like cross-training your sex life right now. What about Jamie? You've written a book about masturbation.

Let's talk real quickly about different ways, like your best tips for men and for women to mix up their masturbation routine right now. Because I think it's so important. It is so important. Well, one thing I think, again, with masturbation or self pleasure, whichever you call it, if you have a partner doing it in front of them and doing it together is always a really interesting way to figure out how somebody is touching themselves and how they like to

be touched. But I think in terms of mixing it up, if you've used a vibrator for a really long time, you have the time now, maybe, to actually experiment with your hands again, to let go of that for just a little while, or to try a new toy, or something different. So I think it's just all about variety. If you have the time right now, and you have time for self pleasure, what are some ways that you wanted to try? The click clock always, you know,

just is always a good, all the click clock. And you're clitoris a little bit better if you have one. Understand, if I was a man right now and I hadn't played in my Pyramidal, I would definitely be down there looking at different ways to get off.

I might even try a toy like a prostate stimulator, but I think it's, a lot of it is going to be about, well one thing I would say for certain too is if you use a lot of Horn to masturbate now would be a good time to reduce the amount that you're using just because of the concern of How much time we have and the relationship that could develop if horn becomes the only way we masturbate So I would definitely mix up if we have some visuals going on in there with. Well, that's a fantasy. Well, that's something we're going to have you back on.

James very soon, but let's just talk about this. Poor Hub is now offering 30 days free of premium, which means that people are getting more porn. They are donating the coronavirus relief, but now everyone has access to this rabbit hole of so much porn. So how do you think porn is? I mean, I see people emailing me asking questions about this. What do we do now?

If we really find ourselves going down the rabbit hole, like, what is one of the first things we can do if we feel like it's becoming a problem, which it can, right now, more than ever, we're becoming so dependent. I think it's a notice that it's becoming a problem, then it's important to reduce the amount that you're watching. So if you're doing it more than once a day, go down to once a day for now. I'm not trying to make big changes in the beginning, but it starts with a harm reduction model.

You have to reduce your use. And so what about that feeling like, oh, Bob, could I ever master it without porn? I can. It's not possible. You stop. I would even start them by saying go to some visual images that are not movies. So let's take it down a notch there.

Start by just get a picture. You can, and from there you're gonna have to use your mind a little bit in your imagination, right? Unless you're just staring at the picture and you make no story up of it. So start with, start with going from video to a picture or from video to audio and then to a picture. But I think it's really about, if you're noticing that the video is working its way through

your day and that all you want to do is sit down in front of a computer and masturbate through quip porn. It does. I'm a huge fan of porn. I'm a big advocate for it. And I also think it can be problematic when it's the only thing you use to engage in sexual relations. Jane, I love that idea of just a picture.

Like that's okay. You don't have to go completely like, I can't look at anything, but just a picture like they did back in the old days. Right. Like the playboy or a new playboy or whatever. Or you partner if you're with somebody or someone ugly right? I mean we all know about that that is

So great Jamie Waxman. Thank you for being here with me. I love talking to you I miss seeing you by get to get to see you here now in the zoom which is awesome Um people where can people find you again tell us Weakman6theriby.com or on Instagram at sex therapist mom or Facebook at Jamie Waxman. I don't have an old one. And we have all this too available wherever Jamie's tagged and all this, the show notes. But Jamie, you are seeing clients right now and you can see them tell it, tell a hell. I can't see people tell a hell.

If I'm seeing you as a therapist, I do have, you do have to be a resident of the state of California, but I also can offer sex coaching because I have a master's in sex education as well. So it really depends on what the, what is going on in there. So you can see people as a sex coach, right? I love this.

You guys, we're having sex. One at one. All right, we're going to take a quick break and we come back. We're going to get in to your email questions. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ This is from Penny 53 in Colorado. Dear Dr. Emily, I love sex and my husband and I

have a pretty good sex life. However, we are newlyweds. One of the reasons my last marriage ended was because he would, he would held sex for me as punishment. I made the mistake of letting him know how precious and valuable was to me. This marriage we have already begun marriage counseling. Not that anything is wrong, but to start the marriage on the right footing. My withholding sex fear has come up already in this marriage, but I am so afraid of talking

about it because then it can be withheld against me again. During our last counseling session, the counselor told me I was frozen, but actually I was just not speaking about my fear. How do I deal with this? All right, Penny, this is such a great question. First off, congratulations on getting out of a marriage that was not serving you and getting into a healthy one. I also love that you're in therapy before there's a problem. I always

encourage you all the time to get into therapy is when there is not a problem in a relationship. And a lot of therapists, you guys, most of them now are offering online therapy. So video counseling, which if you've ever said you don't have time, you know, you can't get to see a therapist, we could all do it now. And let me tell you something, we're all going through a worldwide trauma and we need it. Back to penny. The only way you're going to get past this trauma is to actually bring it up. When we are vulnerable with our partners, we're mutually vulnerable, that fosters a closeness. That's the closeness that we all crave.

What you're going to realize is that you're actually going to be able to go deeper into your relationship. And then once you lay out this fear in therapy, you'll be able to work with your husband and the counselor to kind of talk about, well, what are the warning signs? Like, what was the trigger that came up for you when you felt that maybe sex was going to be withheld from you? Like, maybe your partner gave you a weird side-eyed look and then you felt, oh no maybe sex was going to be withheld from you. Like, maybe your partner gave you a weird side-eyed look and then you felt, oh no, he's going to start with holding sex. Those are the moments that we want to bring up in therapy because we have to work at rewiring your brain. Now, I love that you were around sex. Now, I love that

your therapist had your frozen, which means that you might be having some disassociation. The fact that your therapist could see that you felt sort of like you weren't able to speak, he knew that you were withholding something. So I think going into therapy next session and being super honest and saying, this, I have to lay out what happened to me will be the best way for you to move forward. And I don't think, and I know it's nothing for you to be shameful about, to feel bad about, it's really going to help you become closer with your current partner. Thanks for the email, honey. All right, this is from Emanuel 31 in your way.

Dear Dr. Emily, how can you regain straight to date again after being in a dominant, submissive relationship for three years? My girlfriend and I had a 24-7 BDSM relationship without any doubts that was the most intense, honest and true relationship. We told everything to each other and for me, trust is the most important thing. How can I go back to dating normally after I've had this experience? To be clear, I mean, people who haven't had these types of relationships, it would take a lot from me to trust them on the way I trusted her.

Please help. All right. So, what you're talking about, Emmanuel, thanks for your question, is that you were in a a Dom sub relationship. There was some kind of like, either she was the Dom and you were the sub, and it was a really intense relationship. But now what you're doing is you're saying, I want to go to the extreme, how are we going to be, you know, in a, you know, what they call a vanilla relationship,

or a straightforward relationship that's just a heterosexual relationship without any of the kinkiness. And what I'm going to tell you in manuals, that might not be something that is you want, for sure. So I want to check in with you. It sounds like you had a really intense relationship that probably was satisfying in every, on many levels, but with this particular person didn't work And what I'm sensing here is that if there's an extreme reaction you're having you're saying well That relationship didn't work and now I'm gonna have swing the pendulum back and have a different kind of relationship Completely and where would say that typically doesn't work in any area of our life to be so extreme and be like okay Like when someone says I ate a bunch of junk food and now I'm just going to stop everything

today and I'm going to start eating all healthy or I'm going to, you know, it's like the whole cold turkey approach. When it comes to sex, it's really challenging because you're really used to a certain kind of pleasure and connection with someone. So I would say, could you moderate it? Could you say, you know what? I don't want to, there's things about my last relationship that did work and didn't work. And this is why I think it's great to journal about your experiences or to write down like what work for me, what didn't work for me

in this next relationship, because maybe you might not even be ready yet, because you're asking me questions about dating normally and how do I trust somebody? And I would say first you have to trust yourself and you go through the process of learning and unlearning and figuring out what you want next. Because if you're still feeling like it's hard to trust, it just, that just to me says you might not be ready and I would have you really look at this and say, well, what did I like? Actually,

what don't I want? It's actually, and that's going to help you because I feel like your mind is set up right now to kind of do something that your whole mind and body might not be on board with. So, do some work around this therapy would help, writing it out would be help. So then when you are ready to find your next partner, you know you'll be able to explain what kind of relationship you're actually looking for. Okay, thanks for your email, a manual, and you guys can always send your questions to feedback at sexwithamily.com.

All right, this is from Chris 30 in California. Hey, Dr. Emily, I love your show. I'm currently with my girlfriend and we are monogamous. We communicate openly and talk through anything. Whenever we have sex, she highly prefers to orgasm first before we can have penetrative sex. He put PIV sex, that's penis in vagina. She can only orgasm by clitoral stimulation, either through fingering or oral, which I know is very common for most women.

I enjoy turning around with kissing and stimulating her, but on a good day, it takes her 20 minutes to orgasm. We've explored what works for her what she likes likes, but a lot of the time I feel kind of worn out or lose my presence with her due to the length of time. I don't want it to be any kind of quid pro quo situation. Do you have any advice on how I can communicate this to her or how I can stimulate her better? Thank you so much.

All right, Chris,, I know that you get that the majority of women require collateral stimulation. Thank you for your super honest email because I know that a lot of people who are with Volvo owners probably feel the same way. Like sometimes it just takes a long time. You want to be a giver, you want to have an orgasm, but we don't let's be honest. We don't have that much time to have sex all the time. So what I would do is you could have a conversation with her about it outside the bedroom, but find out other creative ways to actually get her needs met. Now it can be a lot to go down on our 20 minutes every time.

So what works for a lot of people is toys, using a lot of a loop. Perhaps it's her fingers. You guys could turn each other on by watching porn together? You know, maybe there's some other teasing that needs to happen, you know, self-touch. Maybe there's some 69ing that goes on. A lot of couples like that, and she's going down on you, you're going down on her.

So I think that it's just a matter of getting creative with each other and figuring out that there's, you know, other ways that she needs to get there. Now, I understand that she highly prefers to orgasm first. It sounds like you've been great about that, and that is sort of a known trope she comes first. But just like every relationship deserves compromise, maybe sometimes you want to come first, and then she'll come after. So even though that's a rule, if she's guaranteed that maybe she'll come after, perhaps you have your orgasm first and then you'll have more energy after your orgasm to make sure

she has yours. So remember, every couple gets to decide their sexual dance. How do you want it to go down? How do you want to make sure that you're both getting your needs met? So really it's a conversation that you have with her, not during sex, not before sex, you know, outside the bedroom. And it's be like, I want to really talk about her sex life.

Like, let's figure out some fun ways and we can make sure we're both getting our needs met. Now, we all have more time on our hands right now. We are all home and quarantined. Pretty much if you're listening to this, you're with your partner, and this is the time that I encourage you all to have these really challenging conversations around sex that you might not be able to have before.

Remember, they're outside the bedroom, it's in a way that you both are in it together. You know what, we both want to have great sex, you want to have a great connection, how can we be great lovers to each other? This is the 10th of the conversation. You have it when you're just hanging out and getting along and you say, let's talk about our sex life. What can we do to be greatest lovers? Because listen, you're not a mind reader. You're not supposed to know how to be the best partner to your current partner because A, they're always

changing and we're always changing. B, maybe you've never talked about it. So since we have more time right now, we all have time to talk about our sex life. There are no more excuses at all. And don't be hard on yourself, but we've got a lot of time. I'm not saying you have to do it today, but it looks like we made it all be home for a few months. Okay, thanks for your email.

Let's talk to Justin, 31 in Illinois. Dear Dr. Emily, what's a good couples toy that each of us can control from long distance so we can masturbate together? Just in, love this question because, okay, we vibe makes all the toys that I talk about a lot. And I've mentioned to you about the We Connect app, which is brilliant. I mean, I think we connect is such a smart app that actually allows your partner to control the toy from anywhere in the world. We can't just app that launches with video, right? So you can see each other. And so what happens is you would have a toy and you send your partner a partner to link it and say, your lover wants to chat with you. So they open that link and then they're able to control the toy from across the country,

you know, in another room, anywhere in the world. And these are with all of their great products. So we connect app. So here's some great toys that I think you might like to use. So for men, they have the factor by Wevibe is a prostate massager. There's the verge by Wevibe, which is a vibrating ring that goes around your penis. There's also the pivot by Wevibe, goes around your penis.

Then for her, she could use the rave, which is a G-spot simulator, the Nova. There's a vibrating, there's a butt plug. There's the Moxy, which is a panty vibe. There is the Give by Wevivi, which is also wearable. So a lot of their products, if you just go to Wevivi.com, you can see which ones you use with the WeConnect app. And why it's really hot is a lot of us are kind of,

a lot of us are online right now anyway, and the only way we can see our partner just through chat. So this way, you're actually looking at each other, you're controlling the toy, she's controlling yours, or maybe you're just controlling hers, you guys get to decide, but it's a brilliant piece of technology. The toys are awesome, you can also use them on your own without anyone else controlling them. So, this is the time, more than ever, to buy a toy, and I love all the Wee Vive toys, so check those out. And thanks for your question. This is from Wesley 34 in Florida.

Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm not sure what to do and I was wondering if you had any suggestions. Recently, I talked with my fiance about fantasies that we each had for the bedroom. I mentioned I would be into some light bondage and she completely shot me down, told me she would definitely not be into that. It's still a fantasy of mine and something that I want to at least try. I don't want to force anything on her, but I can't get out of my mind. Do you have ideas or something else I can do? Here's what happens when we mention something to our partner that they may never have thought of or they have an idea about light bondage that really scares them. Wesley, maybe your fiance,

red-50 shades of gray. And when she heard you say light bondage, she thought you wanted to build some crazy red room of pain. And you were gonna hurt her and spank her and she didn't really get what you meant by light bondage. She didn't realize it sometimes is the receiver that the receiver is actually in control in these kind of situations. So she's actually receiving pleasure from it,

pleasure in pain, they're very closely linked. And maybe what you have was like a light spaking, what you had in mind. And maybe you just wanted to tie her up, tie her arms back. Maybe you want to blindfold her. So what happens is oftentimes our first reaction when our partner brings up something new they want to try. When we're like threatened by it, and we don't understand it, typically our response is no.

Absolutely not. The other thing we're thinking is, our sex life isn't great. I'm not a great lover to you. I'm doing something wrong. So no, right? It's no. But the more you can go back to now and you could say, you know what?

I understand that was a no. That's a fantasy mind and first off. This is my fantasy that I think would also bring you pleasure, but also I get that maybe it wasn't clear what I was talking about, what I was into. So you could kind of maybe there's some porn that depicts what you were thinking about, and maybe you want to walk her through this scenario,

but also actually before that, I would ask her, you could say to her, listen, I know I brought this up to you and it was something that didn't really feel comfortable for you. But what I was doing here is I want to really enhance our connection, enhance our intimacy. I want to be able to try something new that we could share together. So maybe we can talk about what your fantasies are. Ask your fantasy, your fiance, what she wants to explore. Because let me tell you something Wesley, she's your fiance. You have it walked down the aisle, get you out, you haven't

gotten married yet. And this is the very best time. In fact, I would argue the time before you walked on the aisle to talk about what is she into sexually? What are you both into? Is she in a growth mindset around sex? Or is she just what the status quo? If she's like, dope, I understood exactly what you meant about your fantasy. I know exactly what you're talking about. Our sex life is 100% a-okay with I mean, I never wanted to change. This is exactly the kind of sex we're going to have. Conversation closed. Well then Wesley, you have something to think about here. You actually have new information about the woman to be your wife. You can decide that,

you know, well, maybe we're not on the same page about sex or you can continue to say to her, well, you know what? I actually really am somebody who's passionate about sex and I'm passionate about expanding my sexual repertoire and connection and intimacy and I've learned by listening to this show called Sex of Themery, but there's a lot more to it. And that oftentimes couples get kind of bored and they get set in their ways. And they no longer talk about sex. They don't want to grow couples who've been together for 10,

15, 20, 30 years. I hear them every single night on this show. And I don't want that to be us. And I know right now things are great with us. And we love each other and we're excited about the wedding. But I don't want to be another statistic. And so I would love if we could together get educated around sex and around intimacy and around what feels good to you and what feels good to me. So we can continue to have, you know, a flourishing relationship in

all the ways, spiritually, emotionally, physically, and sexually. So I encourage that this would be the kind of conversation you want to have now, because I believe that we don't talk about this stuff nearly enough, in all relationships. And remember, if you're in a committed relationship now, when you just started dating someone, it is never too late to have this conversation either. You might as well all find out sooner than later

that we're on the same sexual page. I know the reason why we don't talk about it is because we don't have a model. We don't really see this anywhere. Our parents didn't talk about it. And our past lovers never said to us, let's talk about sexual expansion and growth in our relationship.

But I'm telling you, it is the only way by talking about it with your current partner, that you're actually going to be set up for success in your future sexual relationship. This I know. Thank you for your email. This is from Jen 25 in New Jersey. Hi, Dr. Emily, I love your show. Thanks for all your help. I was wondering if you could give some advice on being on top. I've been with my boyfriend for six years now

and I'm still uncomfortable being on top because I feel like I only know how to do one thing. I'm not super flexible or athletic and I don't want him to get bored. All right, Jen, thanks for your question. I love these things about rocking. I always call it like, honey, a rock woman on top. And so it's actually a practice being on top because I could tell you like, like, there's a lot of different ways to rock woman on top. And oftentimes it's not what we see in porn. Like we see people like bouncing up and down in porn

and maybe for some women that feels okay, but for the majority of women, we really want to move kind of a back and forth motion where we're kind of grinding on top of our partner because that's how we get maximum literal stimulation. So the reason why woman on top is actually a really great position for women is because you have more control over the speed and the angle and the intensity. So it makes it easier to keep it at a rhythm. And so that's what it's doing for you. And like again, you're involved with your clitoris of work accessible. So what you might also want in this position,

while you're moving back and forth, is to also have your partner or yourself be stroking your clitoris or using a toy, so you even have more, you know, more clitorial simulation. So I would say what you do is to find what works for you is the next time you're on top, move slowly back and forth, and then there's like a sweet spot. And if you really are paying attention in your present and you're not worried with the partner of things, you're not worried if they're going gonna think it's sexy or does this look good? That's when you find out, oh, wait a minute,

let me go back to six o'clock or like, however, eight o'clock or you know, all the different emotions of like, what angle was I at? Where did that feel good? And that's how you'll be able to find the position that actually really works for you, Jen. These, you do with your boyfriend for six years.

And I would say you absolutely, it's time to figure out what are the other positions that feel good to you. So there are other hacks to it. And I will, like some other ways, let me just give you some other things to do. You could also do cowgirl, like, so cowgirls when you're a type of,

you could do reverse cowgirl, but you're turned around and you're face the other way. You can also do it so your legs are wrapped around each other like maybe you're sitting up and the bed and you each have your legs wrapped around each other which you know your guys are cross-legged and you're sitting on his lap facing him and wrap your legs around you like hugging each other for support. You could also have his legs out on the bed and he's sitting up.

So it's the same thing as your legs crossed, but his legs are out and yours are still wrapped around. So he's basically just sticking his legs out. He can have like a pillow behind his back and he gets out on the bed with his legs out stretched. And then you're just straddling him as waist and your feet are on the bed. This position also puts you in control and you have a lot of intimacy as well.

So those are some hacks to it. You can play with it. You can also have him sitting up and you're laying down. So for example, he's sitting on the bed and you're laying on your back with your knees bent. So you're kind of moving back and forth. I don't know if this is gonna make sense. So you're sitting on the bed with your legs towards what another, your arms are back

and you're supporting yourselves. Now you're moving together and onto his penis, so your hips will be in between his legs. Your knees are bent and your feet are outside of his hips, so you're flat on the bed. And now you're rocking back and forth. So this way you both get to watch all the action and you could also, you know, put your legs over your partner's shoulders so that could make it easy for him to move in circles.

So those are some ways to do it. But what I want here is rather than focusing on how you look in this position or what are some interesting moves, playing around with it in a way that you move slow, you'll be able to find other like hot spots and things that feel good to you. So that's what I'm all about and you don't have to be flexible

and you don't have to be athletic. All right, Jen, thanks for your email and thank you everybody for listening to the show. I love you all. I hope you're all staying safe. You're taking care of yourself and I'm here for you 24-7 truly. Now more than ever, we all need more connection. We need more love. We might need more information. How do we stay? How do we keep our moods high during this time? And I will be here for you. All right, guys. I hope you enjoyed the show. Thank you for listening

and supporting our sponsors during this time. They need you. We need you. Thank you for listening and I hope everyone is staying safe. Thank you, everybody, for being here and supporting the show. I love you all. Thanks to my awesome team, Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Brian, Robin, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithmly.com. Good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithmly.com.