Sex With Emily - From Sleepy to Sexy: How to Keep it Hot

Episode Date: April 21, 2017

One thing that sex, love and dating have in common is doubt. We’re all wondering if we’re doing it right, or how we can make it better. On today’s show, Emily is back on the hotline, taking your calls to help you go from confused to confident. Her insight brings sanity to your most complex questions. Are you feeling guilty about your sneaky masturbating habits? How do you change up cowgirl position to make sexy AND comfortable? How do you know you’re ready to get back into dating after a divorce? Are mental health hurdles holding you back from finding something meaningful? Emily helps callers with these issues and more, plus she gives you tips to prioritize sex when sleep seems to have taken over the bedroom entirely. This is a show you won’t want to hit snooze on! Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep this podcast FREE: FT London, Vibratex and Womanizer.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Today's show we're taking your calls. Love these call shows. We're going to be answering your questions about sex, love, dating. It's a good one. Thanks for listening. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubize, they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my!

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean like laundry? It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so, so, so, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Evelyn is not the kind of girl you just play with.

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So I've been trying this experiment the last week or two. I mean, I've been thinking about it for a few months, but I'm really trying to stick to it. And that is, I'm trying to leave my cell phone outside my bedroom, okay? Like I'm trying to like charge it outside, a bottom alarm clock, so it's just not in my room because I've got these books. I want to read I've got things I want to do and then I get in bed and I've got my cell phone

And I'm like answering emails where I'm just like looking at things that I don't even care about you know how it is and I just feel like Our phones and technology you know, they're all like ruling our life And I know you probably like yeah, I read about this every day It's online and like millennials would take to their phones and people would give up their, give up sex for their iPhones. And I'm not saying that. I'm just talking about like, I mean, yes, I think all of that is true.

But what I'm saying is it's kind of a big distraction. And I feel like it's like sucking so much, like so much for our life away. Or just spent on these phones, like not only is like, for me, like impacting my sleep. And like I feel like my productivity level. But also when we're so quick to our phones we're not really connecting to the world like I feel like sometimes I'm like I could have called a friend back I even feel like I could be watching more TV I know that sounds silly

I'm not a big TV watcher but I did just get a TV so for me that's actually a priority and I'm like I'm on my phone so I just feel like we could be doing so many other things and there's like this lost black hole of the phone. And the reason why I think that this is so important to kind of look at it is because truly, you know, the connection with others is really why we exist. Like we exist to really, you know,

be with other people and experience love and experience life. And then with our phones, it's like such an isolating and can be a lonely experience as well. And so I just think it's, you know, I'm trying to go with my phone and I'm trying to like, you know, what I'm out with people, I leave it in my car, yes, I'm actually doing that. And I just think it's something to think about and something to get back to. And I was thinking about this even more because this, um, professor did a study and it came and they said that I agree with everything in here. So I kind of want to break it down

for you. But it's tips for couples who think they're too tired. There's a professor that found that the decline in sex is due to the growing number of two income families. Okay? And it's that the number one cause for lack of sex is fatigue. And really, it's like we have fatigue and we're tired, but it's not like physical fatigue so much. We're not at their big conditions. It's like emotional fatigue. You know, we're working harder than ever before and we're busy and we're trying to keep up with the Joneses.

And our minds are just crowded. Like we're distracted, right? I mean, I think I'm my most focused here on the show because I actually don't want my phones next to me, but I'm like super focused on what I'm saying. But otherwise, it's like, I know that we're all distracted by like a million different gadgets in our life, right? It means that's just the phone, but we've got like the pings, the rings, the trickles, the swipes,

and it's exhausting. So the first thing I want to do if you're in a relationship, and you know, God, even if you're not in a relationship, because for me, it's like even masturbation, like I always tell you, but make sex a priority, because nobody else is going to do that for you. And it's interesting because sex is actually the glue that keeps you together. It keeps you in a relationship. And we all know masturbation is, you know, really healthy just for our lives, for our emotional and physical well-being. But I think that we don't make sex a priority in our relationships

because there's so many other things that are important or really distracted. And, you know, there's always something else to do. There's another email or another text to answer. But a lot of couples, they treat sex as like this afterthought. Like they put it on the back burner. And like well after you put the kids to bed or after the kids are in college,

you know, that won't go back to our sex life. And you just don't think it's important. And then what happens is time goes by and you're like we have an sex in a month. We have an sex in a year. And it's really hard to go back and repair it after, you know, so much time has passed. So I always tell people in relationships no matter what stage you're in, like the first week,

the first month, you've been together 20 years, that it is the glue, it's what keeps you together. Otherwise, you're just roommates and that it's just important to prioritize your sex life over everything else. Like your phone will be there, really just, you know, I say no phone, no TVs in the bedroom. And just try with me, you guys, try for a week, no phones in the bedroom. Okay? Here's another thing. Couples, it's important to like wake up together. I know your work schedules might be different and someone's going to get up an hour earlier.

But not every single day, I would think there's times that you could just say, you know what, let's set the alarm clock for 10, 15 minutes earlier. And you can use that time just to connect like physically, like physical connection and it's not just the sex. It's that physical intimacy, like physically, like physical connection and such, the sex. It's that physical intimacy, whether it's like cuddling or giving each other a kiss before you go to work, rather than waking up alarm clock and looking at your Instagram, okay?

I know you do it, I've done that. But really just to connect with your partner in that moment before you get on with the busyness of your day. Also check your expectations of your relationship. I get emails all the time for people in questions you guys call in you're like what's normal? Okay, I want to have sex twice a week My partner wants it five times a week like what's average? What's normal? And I'm not gonna give you numbers

I'm not gonna tell you like everybody should have sex twice a week Culture is not gonna define for you what is right for a relationship only you're gonna define it for yourself But it's like I think that we don't think about sex as something to figure out. It's more like we got to check the box of sex, but the most important thing in your relationship is to communicate about it. Communication is a lubrication. And so start having that talk about sex and making it a priority. And the more that you talk about it and you think about it and you're engaged with like,

what are we going to do? How are we going to keep this interesting? How are we going to prioritize sex? How are we gonna prioritize sex? You're just gonna find that it will, sex won't be a problem in your relationship anymore and you'll also be having better sex. Now, if you're one of those couples that you think about sex is like a task, a chore.

It's a drudgery, you're like, oh god, we have to have sex, okay, I'm just gonna go, I'm gonna do it really quickly and get it over with. That's a problem. Think about every other thing I don't do this that we don't get to, sex will be another one of those items that you just can't check off the list. So, if you lighten up and you think of sex as fun, you guys, I always say sex should

be fun. And it's a time to like relax and play and connect and try different things. And if you think about it, sex is like the most pleasurable experience we can have. And we can do it with our partners. And we can reconnect. So, remember, like, you love this person and sex is important and you're with them for a reason. So have fun, you guys. Have fun in the bedroom and reframe the way you think about sex. And when you're having sex, remember, it's not just about the orgasm. And I know that men, a lot of times, are really focused on their orgasm or if they're

part of the animal orgasm and women are like, oh, I didn't have chance or I didn't orgasm. But I think a lot of times it's the men. It's funny. The men are like, I didn't have an orgas chance or I didn't orgasm. I think a lot of times it's the men. It's funny. The men are like, I didn't have orgasm and she didn't orgasm. It's just something that's wrong with me. But remember, sex is just about intimacy. It's about being close to your partner and feeling connected, you guys, and feeling present and feeling like you're in the moment instead of like waiting for what's going to come.

Because like an anticipated orgasm never boils. A watch pot never boils. If you're thinking about the orgasm and is it going to happen, then it takes you out of the moment. It takes you out of that actual moment of connecting with your partner. It's just like remove that pressure to have that orgasm and sex becomes a lot more relaxing. I promise.

And how about when you're having sex, you spice up a little spontaneity. You might think, I don't have time for elaborate costumes and I and I don't have time to like, time my partner up. I'm just thinking, take a moment. Like even if you've got kids, you guys are busy, and maybe the kids are in bed or they're doing their homework, and you catch each other's eyes, you know, across the table or you're walking up the stairs,

you can take a moment and make out in the laundry room. You know, you can take a moment and like, wake up a little bit earlier, or go to bed a little bit later, and have a moment to have like, impromptu sacks or, you know, who knows, in the car on the way home, pull over to the side of the road. So just be open. Like a lot of times we might have these feelings like, God, I'm really hot for my part right now, but I've got to fold laundry and I've got to send this text, no, you don't. You actually are having a moment and when we're in our bodies and we're present and we're like

desiring our partner, just say go for that, because that moment might not come around again. And then finally, guys, let your face time be real. Sex is an integral part of the health and well-being of your marriage and your relationship, whatever kind of relationship you're in. So turn off the TV and the computer. It's okay to have your favorite shows that you love together. But it's also okay to say, you know what, tonight,

after dinner, we're like, we're gonna work for an hour and then we're just going to give each other a massage or we're gonna go for a walk outside, you guys, it's like getting warm out again, right? It's been warm here in LA, but wherever you live, it's a sun, spring, it's gonna be summer. So, turn off the screen time, leave your phone to home and have some FaceTime in real life.

So, think about that, you guys. You are in control of your cell phone. It's not in control of you. Okay, you guys, thanks so much for listening. We're gonna give a big shout out to our sponsors here. Thank you so much for supporting them and for supporting the show. And we'll be right back with your calls.

Okay, we've got Rick. He's 33 from San Jose. And he feels like maybe he's cheating on his wife because his sex drive is through the roof and he's masterbiting a lot. Hi, Rick. How was that? How's that about your question? How are you? Thanks for calling in. Hey, Emily, how you doing? Thank you for having me. Of course. Tell me what's going on. I got like a, I said I've weenawed, been not married for, well actually, been on a wife for the post of 17 years now and you know, of course we've got our you know ups and downs. Lately, it's like, it's been really great, you know, but for everything I can remember,

I've always just had this, you know, overall this time. Like, a session with masturbation, like when I first discovered it, it's just like just like a great feeling. Helping me stay focused and lately it's been on a higher, you know, higher, my sex probably gone through the roof higher, you know, or I mean, sex regularly, you know, like I said, but sometimes it's just not enough, like I feel the need to sometimes just get myself off, you know, just the sex life. That's fine though, I mean that masturbating. Well here's the, okay. I mean, that masturbation... My urge is... Well, here's the...

Okay, so you're 33. You've been with your wife for 17 years. So since you were 17 years old? Pretty much, yes. I was the one I was 17. Okay, and she's the only woman you've been with? Actually, one other woman. There was disability, you know, about five years into the relationship, but, you know,

that was just... Right. So, just her of the persons. Okay, no, that's fine. And so your question is, I mean, there's masturbation is completely healthy. It's normal. Everyone should continue to masturbate

when they're in a relationship, and they're not in a relationship, they're out of their lifetime. So, yeah. So there's nothing wrong with that. Yeah. Okay, yeah. So my thing was actually,

I did discuss this, she was with her and stuff and She's not really the type to you know actually doesn't like the idea so much that I'm doing this behind her back, you know, so I guess you know sometimes get the urge is worth like well, you know Of course, my her just a little stronger than you know my you know how to call it on my guilt factor right? Right right of course Yeah, you have to masturbate How do you call it? My guilt factor. Right. Right. Of course. Yeah. You have to masturbate.

You know, I don't understand. So she's telling you not to masturbate. And you're, you feel guilty for masturbating right now. Or is it like, are you masturbating to the point where you feel like it's excessive and you can't go to work? Are there's consequences? Or it's just, um, no, it's not like that bad. It's more to the fact where she'll ask me every now and then,

you know, like, especially when I'm in the shower, she'll be like, did you you know do that I'm you know like they don't be like no of course not you know one time I did I tested it I said yeah you know I should like oh wow you know just you know can't believe me it's like hi you know so we'd like behind behind the idea behind my ideas like well I know what I know that she's never really can go for it but like I said but I know that I of course know better than the treating so she doesn't that that masturbating is part of a healthy sex life and being a healthy sexual individual

part of that for everybody she said she would rather me do it you know front of her that i get the urge but it's not the same you know that i'm there and watching it just you know the mental can you know so not not you know what i not like a turn on the you know but how is your sex life with her uh... it's actually or anything, you know, but how is your sex life? What's her? It's actually it's actually, you know, it's lately been a lot better You know, we're having something to get averaged about once a week on average sometimes

Maybe if we're lucky, you know more we do have kids in the house, so we gotta make it work It's great, you know, I'm not here except for the fact that she's not accepting that you masturbate so I don't know How else she could listen to this show you could you know, there's a lot of great information out there. We write about it all the time on our website, but there's nothing that you're doing wrong. And it's really a matter of, you know, just having her under, I mean, you could probably tell her all you want

since I think that's working, but have you really sat down with her and, you know, had to read something, show, you know, you guys can listen to the show together. It's very, you know, that it's healthy. She should be masturbating as well. Maybe if she got on that, if she went on that trip, she'd be like, that's cool. I'm going to self-flow over here. You go over there. But it just sounds like she just has a lot of information and she needs more information

to understand that this is healthy. Amassedurations is very healthy, expression people in relationships, you know, I'm saying so I don't know what else, like really, you just gotta talk, because I feel bad that she's making you hide and making you lie. And that's completely normal. There you go. Okay, so there's zero problem. There's two or three, go ahead. There's no problem here,

except for the fact that you're feeling guilty and that, so you have two choices. You can continue to masturbate and just say, you know what, I know I'm doing something healthy and she hasn't known, or you can be like, babe, it's not gonna end. In fact, I think that you should masturbate as well. And yes, if you'd like to masturbate and just be like, you know what, I know I'm doing something healthy and she hasn't known or you can be like, babe, it's not gonna end. In fact, I think that you should masturbate as well. And yes, if you'd like to masturbate together,

I'm a huge fan-recognition masturbation. I think it's a great way for couples to learn about what each other feel, learn about how we like to touch ourselves and what feels good. And then also, like, it's just really hot. It's like putting on your own little porn together. So those are your options.

Yeah. Not every time you don't have to be to a master bait, but you know, mutually master bait. Yeah. Exactly. When we do mutual masturbation, it's awesome. You know, like I said, we'll do each other off the stuff.

But she can't shame you. Right. Yeah, exactly. So like when it's both of us, you know, it's one thing. But if she's just, you know, for the crowd for her, just saying, OK, you know, you go ahead, I'll watch it again. That's not, that's not. None of that's just, you know, for the craft for her just saying, okay, you know, you go ahead, I'll wash it again, you know, that's not, that's not, that's not my thing, you know, so, so yeah, you know, and just like I said, it's just, I know it's a

normal thing, I know you talk about a lot, it's just, you know, I just, you're fine, you're good, you're totally fine honey, like I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm really sure, it's not so. Absolutely, so let her know, you guys can listen to this together. Okay, thanks Rick. Hey, no, you know what, absolutely we'll do. Keep doing you, Okay, bye. Thanks a lot. Have a good one. I do do, bye.

It's funny, because I do talk about masturbation all the time, you guys. And it's healthy. We did it before. We met our partner. We did it when we were relationships. We did when we break up. I mean, really, it's part, hopefully they'll be together forever. 17 years is pretty good, Rick.

But I really don't know what else, like I can't go in there and change people's beliefs, but this is even like scientific proof about masturbation being a healthy, you know, healthy, and that we actually we need it. Like it's healthy, out there for men, for their prostate, for women, for, you know, depression, for their skin, for sleep. There's so many health benefits to masturbation.

And in fact, I should have told Rick, and you all know, masturbation month is around the corner it's in May so hey maybe that would be good time to kick it off with her baby you know babe this whole month we're gonna masturbate together they made a whole month about it how bad could it be okay let's take another call okay we've got Kim she's 35 from DC and she's still pining for the one that got away hi Kim hi are you? So good. Now that I'm talking to you, what's going on? So I'm nearly divorced, and I've been on the dating app, and it's like horrifying. So recently I reconnected with an old crush, and it turns out he just separated from his

wife. So we kind of agreed that we can't jump into our relationship and it was kind of like the one that got away 15 years ago. So now I'm kind of like, man, I really want to take advantage of this opportunity. So we agreed till like a rendezvous, we can maybe a friend with benefit situation situation or possibly a one night stand. So I've never done that before. So how do I not catch any feelings? I've never done it before, so I'm worried.

I'm just going to be on camera. Yeah, you really can't. It's like a cold. You could go get the vaccination. You could get the shot for the flu. You could do all this stuff. And you still might catch the cold like there's nothing I can't tell you like Does we don't talk to him about it and just don't you slap those feelings down like it sounds like you already have the fuels And you haven't even had sex with them yet and I

Why do you're trying not to use that are to get the feel of sex with them? You can't I mean here's a thing. How long I need to understand some background data here so how long were you married um nine years okay he's been married for ten got it and you're both going through a divorce right now yeah and he just coincidents at the same time you're like oh he like came up on your bumblep this actually happened to friend of mine the other day so I get it you just found out he was single because he oh no are you guys still friends oh, no. So we have mutual friends and on Facebook, I've apparently teamed that up with one of our mutual friends. So he's out in California and then I saw it in my

feet and I was like, oh hey, you want to just hit him up and see how he's going. Like, what's going on with him? What's up with him? And then like our conversation escalated very quickly and we talked about my divorce and he's newly separated from his wife about to go through the same thing. And then we just talked about how we both have been missing out all these years and what we're not getting from our partners. Right, right. So I mean, okay, so he's where? He's in California or So I mean, okay, so and he's where he's in California or No, okay, you're in DC. So the truth is okay, wait, did you guys make a plan to meet yet?

Yes, oh, how fun. Okay, wait, this is good. So where are you meeting in California? I call for even better. Okay, just cuz I'm a California. Here's a thing. So I think You might you might have a really great time with him and it could be amazing and it's going to be a fun weekend and you don't know what's going to happen. So here's the thing. I could tell you like all this advice right now, just keep your mind open or like you know go in and maybe you should try to go on a bunch of dates this week, maybe I'll meet someone else before you see him. But no, you're going to go, you're going to have a good time.

You haven't, have you not seen him in 10 years, either? Oh, I haven't seen him in 15 years. 15, okay, so you know, who knows? Like, he might be a totally different guy, there might be, you know, attraction anymore, fireworks could fly, we don't know. So if you could, and I think it's true, to be honest, like, I'm gonna tell you, like,

probably shouldn't jump into another relationship right now. You know, like, you're just getting out of a really doof children? Doof kids, okay. Well, that makes it a little easier, I jump into another relationship right now. You know, like you're just getting out of a really do you have children? Do you have kids? Okay, go ahead, that makes it a little easier. I mean, the divorce part, but I'm saying, like you got your life in DC. You are newly single, just a good time

to like take that time away from the break up, from your marriage ending and work on yourself and figure out what you want. So you probably shouldn't get into a relationship. But the truth is, and he's telling you, let's do friends with benefits You can't label anything before it's even before it's happened. You shouldn't label it anyway too quickly I mean marriage, yes commitment. Yes, but right now

Let's be the friends with benefits. You can't pre label friends with benefits in fact I don't think none of this works So I think just go and have a good time and don't trip on it and keep living your life and who knows maybe you guys It'll be amazing and you'll commit and you'll move to California or it'll be a long, distant thing, I don't know, but I wouldn't worry about it so much because I can't tell you, I can't tell you how not to catch the feelings.

Yeah, so I really, I can't just use protection. Yeah. And yeah, so that's the only thing I can tell you, use protection and be honest, be authentic, be yourself, and have a good time. And listen to what he says though, he doesn't follow up after or he thinks like that happened and you know just those are your signs, you might not want to follow up with him so just have a good time. Okay, thank you.

And work on yourself, you're welcome. Bye Kim. Bye. Bye. And I never thought about this way before, it's, if you think about it, it's like you to say like, let's just see each other when you first meet someone like, let's go on one day to week or let's just be a friend with benefits if you haven't seen, even though she knew him 15 years ago. I think, you know, we got worried. We worry so much about the future of the past.

We don't know what the hell is going to happen, but this moment, I think she should just go and have a good time. You never know. You never know what's going to happen. Okay. We've got D, 27 from Queens, and being on top just does not work for her. So she wants to explore how she can work on it. Hi D. Hi, Emily. Hi. So good. Thanks for coming in. How can I help you with this today? Thanks for having me. Of course. This is so fun. So, yeah, like you said, I'm extremely inflexible hips. I was a runner in college and I got injured.

So it's difficult for me to do things like sitting in a squatting position or sit down for too long or be on top. And so, just wondering what your advice was. You're navigating that because me and my current significant other, we have explored a couple of different positions that we could use, but really, it just works really well for us. If I am on top for a little bit, just to mix it up. I just wanted to see what you thought and how we could.

Yeah, so tell me about your, so when you're on top, it just, because you could do, you could be laying. You want alternatives to, you want variations of're on top it just because you could do you could be laying You want alternatives to you want variations of woman on top Carl girl or do you just want different sex positions? I guess the variations Okay, yeah, I mean I think that you can You could do reverse cowgirl too if you tried that where you like lay back and then your legs are you know You're twisted around so that's one way. You could also...

You have it. You have it. Because then you're laying back. And it's not about your thighs, but you're just kind of laying back and then you can like stimulate your clitoris. I mean that, stimulate your clitoris. It looks, you know, can be hot to look at your S from behind. Your partner can look at you. Also, with woman on top, you could be, you could be, there's ways you could do it where you're like crouched up with your feet or on either side of your partner,

but you could also do it so you're lying flat on top of each other and then you're doing like a grinding, you know, kind of like more of a grinding motion where you're lying on your partner's chest. So it's more like instead of the crouching, you're grinding and lying flat on top with your chest. So it's more like instead of the crouching, you're grinding a line flat on top with your chest. You know what I'm saying? So your legs are kind of kicked back a little.

You could also try it pillows. I mean, can I tell you, there's like pillows can be, can do wonders for you. Because you could even put your legs out straight. So you're probably right now, you're like kneeling, like you're probably most in your knees or in a variation of that where you're crouching or you're, you know what Ieling, like you're probably most in your knees, or in a variation of that, where you're crouching, or you're, you know what I mean?

Like you're up on your knees. But if you could also do it, so there's the sitting up cowgirl. So like, I always think it's so hard to explain position sometimes on the show, but like if you are facing each other and you both sit up and you're holding each other and you can like even wrap your legs around each other.

Your legs can go straight out. Does that make sense? Like a sitting up cowgirl, like a sitting... Yeah, that's a great one too. Because again, your legs can be straight out or they can be wrapped around each other. If that's what works best. Okay.

Yeah, those are a lot of different options there. More of like... Yeah, like you're... I'm gonna have a lot actually. Yeah, there you go. I feel like we have a blog on our website too. I'm pretty sure we do like how to rock woman on top or how to, a lot of people have a few of them, how girl position.

But that's, you know, when I would try like, I don't know, is it, yeah, I would just try a bunch of those and see what, use a lot of lube. But it sounds like with your hips, it's not even about that. You have enough, like, you know, but that always, lube helps everything. Yeah, don't hurt yourself and use pillows and try some of that. You have enough, but that always, Lou helps everything. Yeah, don't hurt yourself and use pillows and try some of that. Let me know how it goes.

Awesome, thank you. Thank you. You're so welcome, Dave. I think that is, that's common. We've got to ask that a lot. I think it was called Hatter Grotto. How do rock woman on top? But for some women, it's just not the most comfortable

position and I can explain it to you on here. And sometimes I think, God, is that, I think I want to do video. I want to do some more position and I can explain it to you on here. And sometimes I think, God, is that, you know, I think I wanna do video. I wanna do like some more videos where I can explain to you guys the positions with like with my sex dolls or something. I also have a book called Hot Sex over 200 Things Tonight. I haven't talked about that in a while, you guys,

but it's a killer book, you can get out our website. And the thing I love about it is there's all these really fun positions that you can just like put on your bedside table, great coffee table book, and you just open it to any page. You're like, let's throw that tonight. And also walk you through a lot of positions. Okay, our next call, we have Lewis, 34 from Orange County.

He wants to know about defying conventional dating wisdom after divorce. How long should he wait to dive back in? Hey, Lewis. Hey there. Hi. How can I help you today? Tell me everything. So, yeah, you know, I don't even know where to begin.

You know, for a person that's been in a long marriage or a close to 10-year marriage and they're pressing the reset button, how does somebody do that? What's the best way to do it? You know, for me personally, I feel like I've been out of it for so long. I just don't even know where to start. I know you've talked about a bunch of different apps and different dating websites and different things like that, but it's almost kind of awkward trying to start again.

Right. Yeah. So I'd say just when you're ready. Now, I understand people are like, oh, you should wait or you shouldn't wait or you know And I feel like it's up to you. It's it's how you feel And I know what you're saying about also you already feel like you've been over it because usually it takes you know You didn't just decide on the day to get divorced right? So you've probably been going through the divorce for several years and so you probably already to meet someone I would think or at least date is that true? Yeah, okay So yeah, I talk about the app slide just because that's ever, you know, it does help

if you're if you're into apps, but I don't even try to yet. So I would say just you could start by just going out with friends, do you have any single friends? Um, not really. I mean, a lot of my friends are married with kids. So I'm leaving that demographic and helping it to a new one. I, you know, so I have a brother who's a little bit younger than me and that's about it. Right. Okay. Cause I'm just asking because I figured a lot of times people are like, I don't have any of my friends or married once they get divorced. This is going to get a lot easier. Like I feel like you're just starting to date right now, but I feel like if you just start

to do the things that you normally like to do like are there, you know, you go to the gym or if there's like classes you want to take or anything you've been wanting to do, like it's kind of like mixing up your routine, like you know, you get all those Facebook invites, for example, that you might not always look at, people like so and so, I don't even remember how I met that person, but they're having a party. It's Friday night. Go. Like I know that might seem awkward, but no one's looking like, who's the guy that showed up or who's this, you know, it's like, that's how you start to to meet people. And I say just say yes to some invitations that come your way that you wouldn't like things that you would dorm,

like I wouldn't go to that. Just go. Because right now you're all about like experiencing, that you're trying to figure out who you are as a single man now. You know, probably lots happened in 10 year. You were married for 10 years. Yeah. So 24 to 34 huge growth period for a lot of people, but to be in a marriage and now come out single, I mean, 34 is still very young. You do kids? I do. Okay.

You sound like so bomb. No, Lewis, that's awesome. No, no, I do. No, I am. I don't mean you're bomb that you've kids, but you think it's gonna be a problem to meet something. Yeah, I mean, it's like the divorce is baggage. Having kids is like, how many red flags can one guy have?

No, I'm telling you that, okay, so here, I'm gonna tell you this, is that it's not baggage. Only if you think it's baggage, it's baggage. And sure, some woman, some woman would be like, no, I don't wanna go out with kids. That's not your person. But there's, it's a very different time right now where I think that people are gonna like you

because of you and if they fall in love, they like you and you have kids, it's not really gonna matter. They might have kids, you might be someone who, you know, would you wanna have more kids? I do, actually. Okay, great. I mean, there's a lot of women who are great.

He already has kids, he's a great dad. In fact, I'm gonna argue that a guy who's divorced and has kids, it could be a really, a very, what's the word I'm trying to think of, kids, it could be a really a very, what's the word I'm trying to think of, a very attractive target for a lot of women. They could be like, wow, oh my God, it shows that he can commit, he's responsible,

he takes care of family. And so I think you got to switch your mindset that because you're like, oh, the kids, no, no, I think that that's who you are, you love your kids, I'm sure you're a great dad. So it's kind of like this reframing that you have to do. And of course you have to be open about it. You're not like hiding it that you have kids, but I think that, you know, it's part of

who you are and that it's not going to be that hard to meet someone. If you want me to talk to you about the apps, I can. And I don't, again, a lot of people on the apps are divorced. They're like, I'm divorced, I have a kid. They write it. It's like fine. And I think that, you know, it's not really red flag. I mean, again, it's just like anyone who just like anyone who smoke or I always see guys who are drinking weight

to in every photo, they got a solar, a plastic red cup and they're drinking. I'm like, I'm not going to talk about that guy. All he does is drink. Now that could be judgey, right? But that's my decision. So I think that you sound like really personal. I'm sure, I feel like you are not going to have a problem. But there are no rules.

And I don't think you need to wait a certain amount. If you're telling me that you're ready to go on a date, do it. So you're saying for the apps that the best courses transparency? Yes, absolutely. Now, what about, okay, sorry to ask you. No, no, you, what were you going to ask me? It's okay. I was going to ask, so I, sometimes I've come across people with pictures of their kids, with them, is that something you recommend to? Yeah.

I mean, I have to say that they're most, okay, so I'm on these apps and I'd say the people with kids typically say father, you know, divorce or father to kids or they put a picture with their kid and they'll say like, you know, eight year old daughter, like, like, you know, I mean, so that yes, I would say say that most people and if they don't if they have kids and they don't put in there I almost think it's weird now. I might I'm thinking like guys like in their 40s and stuff But you're gonna it really doesn't matter like I think it's it's a big part of who you are and you don't Why don't you lead someone down a road? So I think that's who you are a divorce with kids. It's really not You know, there's a lot of who are divorced a lot of people find that attractive

And so I wouldn't trip on it and I would be straightforward and you know find your way of saying it like really not, you know, there's a lot of who are divorced, a lot of who are fun that attractive. And so I wouldn't trip on it. I would be straightforward. And you know, find your way of saying it like you lead like, you know, like obviously say your name like Lewis, divorce dad, you know, you could talk about a bunch of other things like father to an amazing eight, you know, seven year old daughter who I love, you know, single dad, like great job. Whatever you want to say, but it's again, I would, I would be forthcoming and be honest and I think you're gonna be surprised at all

The all the matches you're gonna have so I would try all of that go out in the world and try dating online try some bumble-axe Yeah Okay, good luck Lewis you got this. Hey, thank you very much I Think it used to be a big thing that when you get divorced and I made people still think this, and I'm just in the world so much talking about with friends, and I see this, and I date, so it's like coming from all perspectives, is that it's a really great flag, like being at the fact that you show that you actually can commit, never relationship, and people are waiting longer to get married, and people are, you know, they're just, they're looking

for that, they're looking for like a lot of guys who never commit, you're like, oh, has you never had a real relationship So I don't think it's a bad thing and I think also to think that there's a rule like I have to wait exactly two years before I did again Really you got a date when you're ready for the right reasons So I think you know sometimes takes half the relation to just get out of it So you know he might have been over this for a few years. So good for you Lewis have a good time Okay, we've got Jesse He's 36 from Utah and he wants to re-enter the sex game after being on hiatus for about five years and overcoming previous relationship

Conundrums So you want some tips to get back into the swing of sex. Hey Jesse. Hey, how's it going Emily? So good now that I've talking to you What's going on tell me a little back? Yeah, yeah, I was diagnosed with a serious mental illness when I was 16. What was that? I was thinking of kind of medications. What was the mental illness? Yes.

Oh, well, it kind of freaks people out when I tell them that I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Okay. I'm not freaked out. Okay. All right. Okay. Just curious. So keep going.

Yes. You diagnosed. Yeah, I'm diagnosed. I had to deal with sexual side effects. I can enter gas. Yeah, and difficulty maintaining the direction. But I finally found a combination of medications that last me to have an orgasm. And my doctor gave me some sea alice in case I have trouble maintaining the direction. Great. I think I might be ready to re-enter the sex game, but with a limited and kind of awful experience, I've had with sex, it kind of seems overwhelming and I don't be fully quick to deal with it.

Right. So, yeah, no, I got it. I got it. Well, first of all, congratulations on getting the med set and feeling that you're friendly in a place where you can start to date again. So I know it's not easy, like what you've been struggling with and what you've been going through. And I'm just happy that you're able to figure all this out and that you're ready now. So whenever we will get back into dating or they haven't dated or they've never had sex or they haven't had sex at 10.

It's always like, there's anxiety around it, right? We feel like we have to know everything, we have to be perfect and know the right things to say and all the right moves, but it's really not like that. There's not like a book you can read. I mean, you can listen to part of it. I can give you tips. Yeah, he says, my podcast, I can answer all the questions for you.

I mean, I try. But really, it's about your own mindset. I'm feeling like, you know, being confident, being, you know, and being okay with like, might be a little uncomfortable at first, like getting out there, like you might, you might get rejected, like you're not gonna die, like no one gets, you know, not a world

but you've been through a lot of stuff right now. And it's really about like practicing and figuring out who you are in that role again, in that dating role and in that, who you are is like a sexual male, if you haven't been having sex. So I understand all of that, like right right now that you're having this anxiety. But tell me, have you started yet?

Are you out there? Have you asked anyone out yet? What's where are we at right now? I've had a few dates over the last year. One of them seemed kind of promising, but then she moved out of state. The other wasn't very interested. And the last one I wasn't really interested in. Okay. The other wasn't very interested and the last one I wasn't really interested in. Okay. So what's happening? How are you finding how are you finding these people to date the

women to date? Almost exclusively online. Okay. So you've got the apps and then you're like swiping and then you match and then you guys go sort of something happened. I'm just curious. Your question is more about sex or is it more about dating? Can I help you, because that's not a good question yet? Tell me how it can help you. I don't really know where to begin, you know. Over the last year, my confidence has developed. I've lost 70 pounds. I've got my associate's degree.

Congratulations. I'm working on being disabled in 2009. But I don't know, with, you know, just not being able to connect with my girlfriend in that way was just really hard. Right. Right. I have a hard time letting myself believe that relationship and sex could work. Right.

Right. Of course, because you haven't had that experience. Yeah. But now, right. Right. So you're saying in the past it was hard before when you were on the meds that weren't allowing you to enjoy sex. Is that when it was hard? With this ex-girlfriend? Yeah, yeah, but keep in mind that's been 20 years. Oh, okay. Yeah. We're just rewriting it. So, okay, so anytime we're living in the past,

or thinking this is going to be, you know, what you're doing right now, you're like, oh, that was so long ago, and it was so hard. This is a whole you, you know? Like you are in this, you've worked really, really hard to get yourself to a healthy place, you know? Like, you know, doctors and you've been, you know, losing weight and doing all these things to be like the healthier Jesse. So you're not even, you're not even that Jesse anymore. You wouldn't even recognize him, right?

So it's kind of like, that's all, those are all your thoughts. Like this is a belief that you have around who you are and who you're gonna be with these women. Like, none of it is true, because you haven't even, this Jesse hasn't even been out yet. Like, I think it's just really getting comfortable again, even being social.

Like, are you do friends, do you've community, do people hanging out, you hang out with? Yeah, yeah, I use, I go to meet up groups and I have a good friend for that hanging out with fairly regularly. Okay, that's great. So that's awesome. So I think that you're putting a lot of pressure

on yourself right now because, you know, you're like, I got to be out there and I got to be doing it right. And I think like the soon, it's like, I'm gonna tell you just, like, I'm gonna tell you just, you take, you know, if you can think about my voice to tell you like, it's okay. Like, you don't have to date tomorrow.

You don't just go easy on yourself. And I would say what's more important is like, just going out with friends and people and connecting. And then once you get comfortable in this zone, like it sounds like everything's kind of normalizing, stabilizing for you now, that I think it's just gonna happen that you're gonna start, you'll meet women when you're out.

Like you'll start talking to people and you'll just feel more comfortable in this new place at your act because it sounds like you've gone through a lot of transformations and you're still trying to figure out like who are you in the world, perhaps. And so a lot of times we're like, well, figure out like who are you in the world perhaps and so A lot of times were like well, I got the job now

I'm gonna get the girlfriend I got my mental health right and it's like that's a lot of things at once And so I would say just kind of ride this right now one step at a time and You know just keep you'll be busy in the world and like see your friends and family and sure you can date But even the apps could give that sense of urgency like I had texture back And so I should make a date with third we match and you know what I'm sure you can date, but even the apps could give that sense of urgency, like a texture back then, so I should make a date with third and be matched. And you know what I'm saying? So maybe you should go off the apps and just kind of focus on one thing right now, and that's just kind of having a really full rich life.

By being out there, you'll just start and you will meet people, and then maybe pick up the apps again when it's not, doesn't feel like you need so much pressure. Okay. Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea. Okay. I'm proud of you. I feel like you need so much pressure. Okay. Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea. Okay. I'm proud of you. I feel like you've been through a lot and you're in a good place.

So this isn't like another thing to like, you know, be yourself up with, but it's gonna all come to you. It all is coming to you. So. Yeah, yeah. Okay, cool, good luck, Jessie. I'm not really.

Can I say one last thing? Please. About a year ago, I had to produce her Madison. Yep. On Facebook, we've gotten to know each other. I know she doesn't work on the show anymore, but could I give her a quick shout out? Oh, yeah.

Sure. All right. All right. Produce her Madison, if you're listening, you need to get back to me about the drunk history job. OK. I'll let her know. Thanks, Jesse.

OK, bye. Have a good day. Bye. We're all so hard on know. Thanks, Jesse. Okay, bye. Have a good day. Bye. We're also hard on ourselves. We really are. I know we all think that we've got to be perfect at dating and perfect at sex and do everything. It's just really hard if we haven't been out for a while.

We haven't been dating. I just think that we have to go a little easier on ourselves. I think in every area of our life, we're all really hard on ourselves and I do it as well. That's why it's so. I'm saying now, I'm not going to be hard on myself at all today, and maybe not even tomorrow, how about you? Just big commitments about the around those things. It feels really good. Okay, everyone, that was... I love talking to everybody. Thank you so much for calling in and being a part of the show and emailing me. I love you all. Follow me on social media because it's a good time. It's all at Sex with Emily. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Helena, producer, Lark, Jamie, and Michael.

And thank you to all of my listeners. Thanks for listening. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com. you