Sex With Emily - From Whatever to Best Sex Ever with Courtenay Hameister

Episode Date: February 8, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is joined by author Courtenay Hameister to talk about her new book, Okay Fine Whatever, and how getting over your fears in and out of the bedroom can make for a profusely better life all around. Plus, she’s answering your sex and relationship questions. They discuss how someone who has an anxiety disorder went from being afraid of everything to going to sex parties, dating over 100 people, and went to a professional cuddler – as well as why it’s okay not to know what you like sexually – as long as you start taking steps to get there. Plus, advice on what to do when there’s a possible 4 way in your future, and whether or not online interactive porn is actually cheating.Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFollow Courtenay on Twitter @wisenheimerFor even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I want to also be very clear that I think that films and books have tricked us into believing that you will have an epiphany in your life will change. And what people need to know is that change is frustratingly, unbelievably incremental. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and on today's show I'm joined by author Courtney Hummysdart to talk about her new book, Okay Fine Whatever, and how getting over your fears in and out of the bedroom can make for a profusely better life all around. Plus I'm answering your sex and relationship questions.

Topics include, how someone who has an anxiety disorder went from being afraid of everything to going to sex parties, dating over a hundred people and even went to a professional codler. Why it's okay not to know what you like sexually as long as you start taking steps to get there. What to do when there's a possible for-way in your future? And whether or not online interactive porn is actually cheating. All this and more, thanks for listening. Book into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bitruised, they call them in a fight on me. Hey, Avaline, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair standard. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Is it a common loa? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my god, I'm off here. I'm so proud. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexualemily.com and we are a sexual-demily across the board.

Intentions with Emily. So for each show, let's all start out by setting an intention for the show. And I'm doing it and I encourage you to do the same. So what I mean is like when you're listening right now, you can even stop this after I tell you what it's all about and think about it. What do you want to get out of listening to this episode

and how might it help you? It could be like, I have so much anxiety Emily, how can I not let it ruin my life? Or I've just been dealing with a lot of internal struggles and would love to hear how others got past it on their own. So my intentions for the show is show you that despite whatever scares you, wherever you're at

in your relationship or your sex life, you can always improve. and I also love that Courtney gets into how you know It's okay to know what you don't like because the more you figure out what you don't like you can actually get to what you do like So enjoy the show First I have to introduce my guest who just came in and she's fondling the Loub and the vibrators as guests do Yes, Courtney Hammeister You just came in and she's fondling the lube and the vibrators as guests do. Yes. Courtney Hammeister.

Mm-hmm. Her book, Okay, Fine, Whatever. The year I went from being afraid of everything to only being afraid of most things. Congratulations on your book. Thank you. We loved it. And if you want to find it, or your links and everything is on our show notes, it's sexwithemily.com. Just click on the link that says show notes. Super easy. Yeah. Courtney, welcome to the show. Thank you sexwithemily.com. Just click on the link that's shown. It's super easy.

Yeah. According to the show. Thank you for things, thanks for having me. Okay. So you say that you are a a professional nervous person. Yes. Yeah. An odd way to, yeah, an odd way to sell yourself, I think. Okay. Your book is all about really how you're like, I've been anxious. You actually were diagnosed. Isn't it great when you finally get diagnosed? You're like, oh, I have anxiety. That's why life has been hard. Exactly. Or that's why for me, it was like, it sort of explained my pessimistic outlook. Like, I thought, for the years, I just thought, oh, I'm such a Debbie Downer and I'm such an E or. And then I, when I got a diagnosis of generalizing anxiety disorder, it was like, oh, this is my pathology. It's not me. And absolutely, my pathology

has created these neural pathways in my brain that say everything's going to suck, but I didn't do that myself. And so it also made me think, well, maybe that can change because it's not inherent in my DNA necessarily, although I guess if it's a pathology media. The thing is it because I love, well, when we first saw you, when we first were introduced to you, you have your video about your book, it was so great, you're like, there it was, you're six years old, or eight years old, eight years old, as if a diving board,

which I could so relate to that, and you're about to jump in the water and you get scared, and all the kids yelling, it's so well done, all the kids are yelling, and you're like, well, this is the moment where I decide I do not jump, I don't take risks, I'm gonna have a seat here, I'm not jumping off the hype I decide I do not jump. I don't take risks. I'm going to have a seat here. I'm not jumping off the hype.

So do you actually think that was the first moment that you remember it? Or do you think it was because of that moment? Like, I think reinforced. I mean, I think that I absolutely knew it at that moment. I was like, oh, I'm a scaredy cat. But I'm not sure if there was some moment prior to that. But certainly looking back, it's my first memory of just like having the knowledge and doing something that was so clear in terms of what my what I felt like.

Right. It's just a great descriptor. Because I think we can all just kind of picture like moments or at least I have having so much therapy like, oh, it's because of my parents and all these things, but that's the moment, like first of all, you remember. Yeah. I mean, your book is so great, because you have this moment and you're like,

I'm gonna just try everything that scares the shit out of me. Yes. Which is so brave. And the things that you do, like, what happened? How did you decide to go on this journey? Well, it was because I lost something extraordinary. And I think, you know, based on what your job is, you can relate to this, but I had hosted

a radio variety show in Portland, Oregon. And it was really, I mean, I think it was the coolest job in Portland at the time. I was, you know, it was on like NPR affiliates and syndicated. And I got to speak to Kerry Brownstein and Gus Van Zant and Mike Probeglia and comics that I so admired and writers. And David Rackoff, who's one of my all-time favorite writers I got to interview and and so I I was called Liveboy. Yeah, no, I think it's a pop, yes. Yeah, look for a bank coach for now. Yes, of course. And so I did that for a while and I did that for nine years and every week we had a show I was also the head writer and I would and what I called my dreadball would arrive on Monday morning And it would be about golf ball sized and then by show day It was I was in a hamster ball of anxiety just walking around and what anxiety does to you is it does create

It's like looking at the world through through a piece of glass a very thick piece of glass and everything feels muted or like There's static right and so you can imagine Think about doing your job that you're doing right now. And when you have anxiety, it's difficult to actually take people in, because there's all this static in the way. And so you've got to really listen to people

in order to have a good conversation with them. Did you feel though when you were doing this, because you were great at it. So even though it's when you were in the moment, were you were able to listen or sometimes you felt not as much? Not sometimes not as much. Sometimes I would really stick to my list of questions. And so it didn't make me as great at my job as I could have been absolutely.

But you lose a job. So then the job. And I just had a massive two-day panic attack and I had to step down. And once that happened, I had a moment where I realized what I had, and I just had a massive two day panic attack and I had to step down. And once that happened, I had a moment where I realized what I'd lost. And as an anxious and neurotic person, and as a person whose self-esteem is periodically in the gutter,

you know, being in front of 400 people every couple of weeks, applauding you, is a great way to find that. I'm anxious. Yeah. Cause I feel like no one's, like I know people are listening, but I don't often, I don't see them, Oh my God. Uplotting you is a great way to find that. I find that. I find that. Yeah. Cause I feel like no one's it. I know people are listening, but I don't often, I don't see them, I don't meet them, and

I want to. I'm going to come see you all this month on tour. But that's scary. Oh yeah. Cause I don't know, they say there's listeners. I don't see them. Yeah, well, and they always say like picture everybody naked, but like people in Portland wear a lot of fleece.

And it's impossible. They are. They are. They are of fleece. And it's impossible. There's so many layers. And it's just like, I can't, I have no idea. So if I had to ask one person with my eyes, it would be take 20 minutes. Exactly. And it's distracting.

It's like, how big is his penis? Right. And so I had lost this thing. And it was a thing that made me a writer. And it was a thing that made me all these friends. And so I thought, is there a way that I can teach my brain in small ways that everything's going to be okay? So I didn't jump out of planes.

I was jumping back into the dating pool as well. And so I also did dating stuff. So I went to a sensory deprivation tank because I'm afraid of the dark and apostrophobic. And I went to a professional codler because I'm afraid of talking to strangers. So I spoon with one. I mean, that's what I love you talk about, like you were looking to date and then you post it on Facebook.

And it's like, hey, if you guys know anybody, and then you went all the apps, like that is so brave. So which part of it was first? So tell me about one of the, I love, because each chapter kind of breaks down one of the things that you You went through yeah, I mean I think that the The cutler was I mean when it's it's so interesting when I like I was recently on a podcast with someone who just kind of doesn't like to be touched

and She just said I had to stop reading the chapter It was so disturbing to me and I was getting she was getting an anxiety attack from reading it and and for me I actually adore being touched and part of the reason that I went to the Cutler was that I thought am I too needy Like I I was missing touch for a very long time like I've been heavy my whole adult life and and I had the unbelievably fucked up unbelievably fucked up idea that that made me unlovable and that no one would want to touch me because of that. And so I really steered clear relationships for a long time. And so when I did get into one, I mean, I was, I was a gigantic fan of sex, you know, I mean, I, I continue to be, right? I know you also lost your virginity late. Oh, yeah, I was 34. I was 34 years old. And I continue to be, right? I know you also lost your virginity late. Oh yeah, I was 34. I was 34 years old, and I'm not Mormon.

Right, you're like, I'm not a racist. I'm like, it was actually so. It was anxiety. And no one had said to you, like, hey, Courtney, maybe this is anxiety. Do you have anything? I mean, you know what's really interesting is just this,

like the language around anxiety and mental illness in this country, I think is really, it's inefficient, it's inaccurate, right? So for a long, everyone just, I was neurotic. I was the neurotic friend, you know? And I was absolutely like when I was with that first boyfriend, my neuroticism really bugged him. I would be really interested to see if had I been diagnosed, if he would have felt differently

about that, you know, that I wasn't just like a knowingly neurotic. But there's also this issue of saying that I, oh, I'm anxious about this. Or I'm depressed, right? There is, there is situational depression and there is clinical depression and they are very different things. And so, so that's what's difficult about the language of it. Right. It was really interesting.

No one ever really did say, hey, have you thought about going to a therapist? Because in some ways it was just like, oh, that's kind of cute. It's your personality, right? They're like, oh, that's just corny. She's just, she's just neurotic and she gets anxious and nervous and. And you hide it? Well, you are, you know, you talking about, you know, I've listened to your podcast and I would never have imagined that you were an anxious person. People who have anxiety hide it really well. It's part of the way that we live in the world. But it's also part of the reason that I think we just need to talk about anxiety more. Because if everyone was honest about it, then it wouldn't have the stigma that it currently has. I think you're right. I'm talking

to Courtney, how am I stir? I said that. Yeah. Okay, fine whatever. The year I went from being afraid of everything to only being afraid of most things. I love the way you write. I think it's it's just a great read. You're hilarious. I mean everyone thinks you're hilarious. And I love that you've a comment from Cheryl Strayette and Chelsea Clinton on your Chelsea Clinton. I always do that. Every time I touch you, I watch you see him. I say Chelsea Clinton. I don't know why. They're so similar. So exactly. Because I about Chelsea, I say Chelsea Clinton. I don't know why. They're so similar. So exactly.

Because I grew up with the Clintons, and I don't know why that's my dominant Chelsea, which is fucking weird. She's your dominant Chelsea. But I love Chelsea and her. Like obsessed. Oh, I know. Yeah.

Where she comes out of my mouth. I devoured her book. I interviewed her on her last tour. And I always thought that she was talented and funny, but she was never one of the people that I followed significantly because to be honest, I thought she was a little mean. And she doesn't like fat people, you know, has never really liked fat people, which is problematic for me. And and then she wrote this unbelievable book where she talked about evolving so significantly.

And that book is so beautifully written and so funny and so poignant. I mean, I was crying in the car. It's, and it's, I gotta say, I hugely admire what she's doing right now. Yeah, absolutely. It's so, and it's so, it's insane to me that she can be so vulnerable right now after, because she was so, she was the opposite of vulnerable. Right, she was so poor she was the opposite of vulnerable. She was so cold.

Right, she was so cold. And yeah, so. Exactly, though it's amazing to watch your eye grade, eye grade. I'm like, oh yeah, now we can all kind of relate more when you're honest about what is going on with you with your struggles, because I feel like, is that kind of what motivated you

to write this book as well? So people kind of can learn, you know? I feel like I have anxiety and this is okay. And that's all you do with it to help you all these things. Do you feel like now you are, what do you say you're a little less? Yeah. I mean, yeah, I, and I absolutely learned things throughout the year and I think that one of the, one of the big lessons that I learned throughout the year was that, you know, I think that there are all of these books out there that are, you know there that are just sort of all about like,

just go for it lady, go girl or boy or whatever, fuck you are. And it makes people like me feel like I will never do that because I will never be enthusiastic about anything. It's just not the way that I'm wired, right? And so, but what's amazing is, I did, you know, I went to, you know, Bill Jerome Breedon I did a sex club and, you know. It's like Bill Jerome Breedon where they did not have all the fixings.

No, they didn't have tortillas, which is, I'm sorry, it's the anchor of a, of a, of a burrito. Beyond that, you're having beans and rice. Right. But I love that you just sex probably, but like, but we're talking about the burrito. that, you're having beans and rice. Right. But I love it, we just sex party, but like, but we're talking about the burrito. I was very upset. I understand, no, are you right?

And Jamie's obsessed with, she's never been to a sex party, but all she wants to know is what kind of food they serve. I went to one a few weeks ago, there was no sex or food, but she was like, just tell me what kind of food you had. There was like chocolate. There has to be fuel. There's gotta be, I didn't get you going. I feel, that's what I felt like. I don't know, but not

too much. That's right. Because then it's like, you have to worry about what position you're in because you got like a burrito baby. Mexican food is weird for a sex party. Oh, yeah. So, okay, so what how'd you feel? This is what I want to know is that now in doing the stuff and you're right, that not it's not one side, like I started the show saying, like, people have a lot of social anxiety. I promise you that when you're out just saying hi to people,

it is a muscle that we don't often use. Like, do you feel like you are a little bit better now maybe in dealing some situations that were harder for you before this? Absolutely. Like, and it never goes away. It never goes away. And I want to also be very clear that I think that film and films and books have tricked us into believing that you will have an epiphany in your life will change.

And what people need to know is that change is frustratingly, unbelievably incremental. And so what happened to me was I spent this year doing these things that were completely outside of my comfort zone and What it did for me was to change one word and that one word was interesting So if someone were to say hey, let's do this thing that I'd never done before I would say well that sounds terrifying or absolutely not and now I say well that sounds interesting and That small change is unbelievably significant. And the thing is, when people talk about changing your life too,

you know what, if you have one more interesting hour in a year, your life has changed. Absolutely. I love this. It's so true. Yeah, so it's just like, I think that people's expectations around how their life is going to change. But also I think that what I was talking about before was that you can still do all of these things and have an interesting life

and have and have a rich life and do shit that changes you without being an enthusiastic person. Like, I mean, that's part of the lesson was, oh, fuck enthusiasm, because I didn't have it and I still had the most interesting year of my life. You really did, you actually said that and you did it. So that's why it's called okay, fine, whatever, because that's what we say,

that's what we, you or say, when we're being dragged to like get our Nobel Prize. Like, it doesn't matter how amazing the thing is is we're like, I guess I'll get it. And that's because the messages we're saying is it's going to be hard or terrifying or whatever, is it like wiring? Yeah, it's because your brain is what... Protecting you from things that could happen or feeling fear or... Well, and so there's an amazing group in Portland Oregon called create more fear less and it's and it's where they work with anxious kids with writing and exercises to help

them change the way that they feel about their anxiety and manage it and one of the one of the messages to those kids and I want everyone to know this yeah is that there are gifts that anxiety gives you and one of them is a fucking amazing imagination. Because we imagine the worst possible scenario every time we go into a situation. Always. People do it like, I'm not going to like it anymore. I'm going to be rejected. It's going to be horrible.

Right. And almost all the time that that doesn't happen. And so we're sort of pleasantly surprised. But what I would say to people is, the goal should be to have no expectations, not to have positive expectations, just don't have any. Yeah, absolutely, yeah.

And it's fine. I think that so much of anxiety is like, I don't wanna be surprised. I just don't wanna be surprised by any. Exactly, it's the control thing too. I can control my environment. That's absolutely, I guess, and you learn that through life, but how do we, I love that they're talking to young kids

because you're saying, we don't talk about a lot. And I feel like now and now we're hearing more and more that young kids are having anxiety, just like in the last few years, cause it's social media or whatever, but then you guys, their parents have it. So there is more interest. I mean, there is more of like attention to it,

but that's such a true, like we just beat ourselves. And if you're anxious, I had ADD, like I remember reading a book when I was like 28 and it was driven to distraction by this guy. Yeah. And I know. I was like reading it and I was like 76 questions that you take if you have ADD, which anxiety is sort of like an umbrella with ADD and people say, Oh, it's not really. ADD doesn't exist. I don't fucking care. Whatever you call it. It's like, it's all part of the same thing. And I read that and I checked the boxes.

It was like, yeah. And I was like, overwhelmingly, I was like, oh, this there has a name for it that I'm, I just felt like I was constantly trying to control my brain to focus, focus, focus, and it was like, oh, it felt so such a relief. But to feel that there was like someone who understood or there was a name for it, just gives you some freedom and then you could start to find coping mechanisms, but it's such a negative thing.

Maybe look at the gifts of it is so important. What are the things that your anxiety has served you, Courtney? Well, that's the thing. The reason that anxiety exists, I think, just sort of genetically or from back in the olden times when people didn't wear clothes and were hairier. It was essentially anxiety kept us alive. The people who survived back then were the anxious ones. The ones who didn't recognize that a saber-toothed tiger might be them died.

Exactly. So you have to be scanning the environment for things happening, like the boy coming on to like, you or you want to kill it or whatever, protect our family. Yeah. It's adaptive. It's like living in the fight or flight. Yeah.

And I think that honestly, I mean, in some ways, it's made me, I guess, a little bit more discerning as well. Like, it's, you know, like I Like, I definitely, I look at situations, and that can be a positive and negative thing, right? Because I do feel like it's made me more judgmental. Okay. Okay. And letting go of some of that judgment, I think, helps you a lot too in sort of like,

I've been doing mindfulness work and so much of that is- I was going to ask, what has been the most helpful for you in managing anxiety? Mindfulness it's been a lot of different things. There's a book by Barry McDonough called Dare that was very helpful for me Okay, it's essentially you dares an acronym and you know It's about sort of he changed his own relationship with the same anxiety by you know, Deis for diffuse and he just sort of you know, he would have a panic attack and you'd be like, oh my god, what if I die? And his his response to that was so what you know, I I want to cook dinner because it's always just it's such a struggle to figure out what to make, you know? Wow, yeah, so it's so true. It's like well, I love what you're saying about that change takes time, because I think that we so want instant results, and then we're told we're gonna get it

if we sign up or we meditate. It's taking me like so many years of meditating till I finally like have moments where I'm more consistent than not that I feel the change or just anything in life. When we're in the process of change, we want it to be done, and then you look back and you're like,

oh, like you must look back at this year of all these brave things you did, and it're like, oh, like you must look back at this year of all these brave things You did and it was probably it was your most interesting year. Oh, yeah, absolutely 100% the most interesting year of my life So I yeah, and I think that you're like you're talking about meditating and how it's you know It can be frustrating because you feel like you're not doing it right and that's another thing too that I think angstish people Just need to remember is you beating yourself up or fighting your anxiety is making you more anxious. If you could just let go of that, you're going to take away a layer of that anxiety.

So true. Yeah. It's the same, like I saw this, it was, oh God, Matt Stone and Trey Parker. I saw them on Charlie Rose and they were talking about how they would beat themselves up for how they would always themselves up for how how they would always wait till the last minute to do the show. And they just felt like garbage about it. And they tried to get it done earlier. They never did. And when they finally just said, this is how we work. It took away about like 50% of their anxiety around that work. Because

that was the 50% of it was them just being like why are we so sucky? Yeah, you know, I can so relate to that Courtney. I mean all the time the people are always reminding me they're like well just accept yourself accept yourself. So that's part of the reason you grow up and you mature and you do work on yourself is when you finally just realize I just have to accept all of this. It's all the things that I am. It's it's so hard and I think it's particularly hard for women, You know? Right. Yeah.

We're going to take a quick break and we come back. We're going to get in to your email questions. All right guys, I love answering your questions. This is why I get on the planet. If you want to question answer on the show, go to sectionmlle.com. Click to ask Emily to have built the short form. We got you or just email feedback at sexwithmlle.com but always include your name, your age, and how you listen to the show. Okay, thanks. Okay, Jamie, you want to read the emails? But of course, this first one comes to us from

Michael who is 42 in Michigan. Dear Dr. Emily, I've been married for 15 years, great sex life. My wife and I have been talking about a for-way. I like when she tells me about her past sex life, and when I think of her with another man, it really turns me on. But we were roleplaying a few days ago, and she was showing me what she would do to another guy, and it was hot, but in the middle of it, I started to get very jealous. My question is, should we go ahead and try the for-away, or maybe some small steps before we go all out? Thanks, love your show.

All right, Michael, this is great because listen, I do believe that couples should not just jump into bringing other partners into the relationship, whether it's a threesome or a for-some. So, I mean, you did what I often tell people to do is before you to do it, role-play it first and see how it makes you feel. So, now that you did that, I think it's important to go back to her and say, you know, because you guys sound like you wonderful communication and say, you know what?

This is what made me jealous. And I mean, we didn't get into here, but maybe there was something, a point when she said, she had a crazy orgasm, or maybe she said she was you know sucking his penis or Doing something that triggered you what did all make you jealous? Was it just the fact that there was another man there or was it something in particular? Because if you really break it down, you know, you might figure out well, I don't want any kissing or I don't want to know who this person is. Maybe she used a friend's name

any kissing or I don't want to know who this person is. Maybe she used a friend's name. So I think kind of drilling down on what it was could help you guys if you're having healthy communication and figure out what you actually like. Now if it doesn't work for you and you're like, you know what Emily, we went through it and we talked through it again because I would insist that you will play it again now after you kind of figure out what things triggered you and then see if it works, but if it still doesn't work, that is totally okay. It's okay for couples, it's okay for it not to work for you. And it's okay to figure out other things

that you might do that spice it up. So I think that role playing it, talking it through, going slow, letting it sit with you, and then seeing where you go from there Is it totally acceptable way to go and this is nothing I wanted to say to Michael is what I love about you and your wife is that you're really Handling this well and you do have excellent communication and so I believe that if the force him doesn't work out that the two of you can Definitely find some other ways to keep this hot

Mm-hmm, I love the idea of a force him. Well, because everyone's got a job, right? No one gets left out. Everyone's genitals are getting touched at some point. Exactly. You're a forza great number. You go from one vagina, wash it off a little bit, go to the next one. Exactly. penis, whatever, have things wipes around. Yeah, fresh wipes. We love those for sex. Okay, this next one comes to us from Ida, who's 28 in Finland. Hello, Dr. Emily. My husband and I have sex every morning. The problem, though, is he never wants to change positions. We always run the dog.

Doggy style. Run the dog. I know her. Run the dog. Run the change. Okay. Done. I want to do other positions.

How can I get him to want to try something else? That's a great question. Ida, I don't blame you. So here's what happens. You guys are in a routine. We've heard of these sex routines, else. That's a great question. I don't blame you. So here's what happens. You guys are in a routine. We've heard of these sex routines, and sometimes they become a sex rut. And so what it means is he's probably just trained his body

that when you guys are in doggy style, that's when you can ejaculate. And a lot of men will say that's true. They're like, I can only come in this position. Well, it's training. Guarantee you if you guys kind of try other positions and you build up, again, he'll be able to come in this position. Well, it's training. Guarantee you if you guys kind of, you know, try other positions and you build up. Again, he'll be able to come in other positions. So my best advice for you, as it is for anybody who wants to try something new in the bedroom,

is to talk about it outside the bedroom and just say to them, you know, I've been thinking about it. I love that we, you know, have such hot sex and that we have sex every morning. It's like makes waking up so great. And if you use the compliment sandwich approach where you start out saying this is what I love about it and then say, I really would love to switch up positions. For example, and then tell him the positions that you would like to try. Maybe you just want missionary, maybe you want to use your toy, maybe you want to be on

top, and then you can explain it to him. So I think that that right now he never wants to change positions because he probably just is like this is going to work. So I think if you kind of talk and then he kind of knows what's going to happen, he'll say, okay, so now is when you're going to get on top. And so I know that this will definitely make you both feel better and you can also let him know the reason why you want to switch positions is because you have more pleasure in other positions. Variety is really hot for you.

You like being on top because you know, you can look down on him. You can control the depth. You can know that you can have an orgasm. So I think actually letting our partners know why we also want to mix things up can totally make a difference and get them on board. Right? Talk about it outside. Give them a picture of what's going to happen.

Because if she just says, I want to try new positions, why don't you ever want to try positions? That'll just put them on the defensive. Exactly. And I mean, no one, especially doggy style to always do that. It just feels, I love it, but to do that every time would feel so disconnecting for me. Exactly. Yes.

That's the thing about doggy style, very disconnecting for some. I mean, it can feel amazing, but you're not making eye contact. It feels like it's disassociating and for some people, it just feels, it can feel degrading. Yeah. And it's just like, dude, the first thing I don't think that, but people can feel like, oh, I don't know. Yeah. I mean, some people are not looking in their eyes. You could always turn around, I guess. I might freak him out. You could look in their eyes turning around. I don't know how good your neck flexibility is, but.

I think any position gets, we'll feel that way. Like, why are we only doing it one way? If you get bored. Like, any position could feel like, is this all we have? Is so we got. Do you think that happens to people that just really like routine sometimes? Absolutely. I get in with those people because I'm not a huge routine person.

It's like, takes a lot, but I've been with people who are very routine-oriented when it comes to sex, and that is a recipe for boredom, boring sex. Variety is the spice of your sex life. And it's your job on the planet to figure out what that's going to be that's going to keep your sex life interesting and hot. And a lot of that starts with Your own exploration masturbation. What do you actually like doing research together or on your own like seeing like what else out there? Chris some people might be thinking I don't know what other positions there are

so Check it out check out, you know, we've got a lot of great stuff on our website sexbelme.com, we've got great blogs about how to actually try different positions, different positions with a twist, like missionary with a twist, like put your legs over their shoulders or spooning sex is also great for the morning. Yes, I love spooning and playing. Me too, like Donnie style is a lot in the morning.

I don't, like Donnie style to me is not a morning sex thing. Unless you're still from me. Yeah, I mean, tired. It'd be one of those ones where your face is just down on the pillow still and you're like, ass is just out in the air. Exactly. Just like just enter me.

That's a good variation of doggy sex. I like that one. I like it when I'm still sleeping, but my ass is in the air. So go go. There we go. I love it. Okay, thanks for your email.

I don't let us know how it goes. We appreciate you. All right, this last one comes to us from Joe who's 56 in Pennsylvania. Hi, Dr. Amley. My question is this. My wife found my webcam account on my phone. I have been playing on this site for some time now.

I have developed some good, slash fun friendships with both genders. I do have a few primary friendships online and admittedly they are more than I intended. She views my online activity as infidelity, whereas I view it as interactive porn. I'm not interested in ending my marriage, but I want to keep my online friends too. We're in therapy for this together and separately, any thoughts. Additionally, she only wants me

to masquerade to porn in bed next to her. I haven't done it yet, but it's maybe a way to rebuild some trust. She's been very patient and open about these conversations, but the camming is a hard no. I miss it as I've respected her wishes to say off of it. Also, she doesn't believe me that other husband's masturbate to porn with some frequency too. Is it normal to masturbate daily? Lailie, she's having anxiety over my alone time is not permitting me to have any. She worries she can't keep up with my sex drive.

I told her she doesn't have to, but I'm not sure what to do with this point. Okay, there's a lot here to unpack, Joe. Okay, first off, lot here to impact you. Okay, first off, the thing is, I, everyone gets to decide what actually constitutes infidelity. Now, some people would say, you know, can't grow interaction

or watching porn is infidelity. Now, I think that if you're having, you know, you're having interactions, you're having emotional connections with people, even if you're not meeting them in person, I can see why your wife might say, you know what, that doesn't feel great to me. And I would also say this might be a sign

that maybe there's some intimacy that's lacking in your relationship with your wife. And that maybe there could be some more talking about how you guys can sort of enhance your sex life. And so I feel like, you know, the fact that also that you're keeping its secret and you are hiding it from her is also why she feels like it's cheating and she found all the messages and all the stuff. Where I have a problem with this is her restricting your behavior and not letting you be alone

and saying, you know, you can't only masturbate with me and bed. And so I feel like that, well, I like that you're both in therapy. I think that's amazing. And I also think it would be great to, hopefully, if your therapist can guide you in all of this because not all therapists are actually trained of how to navigate couples to have healthier sex, that maybe they can help you figure out,

well, what is your wife into? What does she need sexually? What turns her on? And then you guys can figure out together, you know, what you both like because, you, because it is normal to masturbate daily. It is very common. A lot of married men masturbate every day to porn. And so do women.

So it could just be she's okay with porn, but maybe she's not okay with the extracurricular relationships and the messaging men and women. And also that's a lot of time I would think so so it's just like maybe she would like more of that coming back towards her She wants intimacy with you. She wants connection. She wants talk is what I'm hearing from your email and and so I think that if you could kind of Figure out how to give that to her and so you guys feel more connected You might find that you don't have as much of a need for as much interaction online.

And so I like that again, I like that you're being honest with her, but I would say that also like she has to kind of loosen it up a bit that you are still free to actually masturbate, have time alone. So I think this is something great to bring into therapy. And also, you know, I love the idea of looking at our yes-no-maybe list at sexwithfamily.com, which is a list of a lot of different things you guys could try and bend. You could figure out what works for both of you. But it sounds like therapy is also going to help you guys get there a little bit.

But figure out what you both like. I think that the restrictions are heavy, but I would love you guys to both come together and figure out what works for you guys. Yeah, it seems like she's trying to do an over correction of what she found. So she's like, you went so far, but so now she's like taking it away, but that's like a bonding thing you do with yourself, at least the regular. Sorry, Emily just put her gum on the cup. I didn't want to be chewing gum. Right, I love it. Anyways, I find, for all of you else there, I find gum in very random places. She found gum in the prep notes. I'm sorry about that.

It's okay. Oh my god. I also find lipstick kisses sometimes. I send it to kiss the papers. Blotting my lips. I like to think. I love our job. I like to think that you do it for me.

I do, Jamie. I send you kisses every day. Especially Valentine's Day kisses. Coming up, by the way. We've got Valentine's Day shows for you guys as well. You can check out. All right, thanks for your emails. Thanks everyone for listening to this show.

And please rate us, review us wherever you listen right now. Look down at your phone if you're on an app. You can give us five stars. We love that. Comment on iTunes. And if you want to know more about certain app, you can give us five stars, we love that, comments and iTunes. And if you want to know more about certain topics, you want us to cover them or you've any questions, feedback at sexwithemily.com. Thanks to my awesome team, Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Brian, producer, Jamie, and Michael.

Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. you