Sex With Emily - Gasms, Gains & Sexual Independence

Episode Date: September 4, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is talking about independence in a relationship & the importance of establishing those boundaries with a new partner — and as always, answering your sex, dating, & relationship questions.   She gives advice on what to do when you & your partner don’t see eye to eye on how much quality time to spend together, how to give a spectacular nipplegasm (because who doesn’t want that?), and how to unlock those masturbatory multiple orgasms during sex with a partner. Plus, a beginner’s breakdown to prostate play. Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemilyFor even more sex talk, tips, & tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. This is Dr. Emily, and on today's show, I'm talking about independence in a relationship and the importance of establishing boundaries to the new partner. And believe me, the earlier it's done, the better. Plus, enhancing your sex, dating, relationship questions. Topics include, what's doing one of you want to spend more time together than the other? What is a nipple gasm and how can you have one? It's not that hard. So if you're capable of having multiple orgasms while masturbating, but during sex with your partner, you can't. What's that all about?

Also, a beginner's breakdown to prostate play, where to start, how to begin, and what to use. All this and more, thanks for listening. Book into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bit-roof eyes, they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand.

Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, not only? What do you mean, like laundry? It's drinks? Can we not talk about sex so much. Are you kidding me? Ah, my God, I'm so dumb.

Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, check out our website, sextoeanly.com. bunch of blogs and posts on there. They're gonna help you better sex just like this show. And you can also find me five days a week

on serious sex and radio. It's channel stars 109. And you can get a free 38 trial at sexandlea.com slash SXM. I'm on all social media. It's at sex with Emily across the board. All right guys, I hope you enjoy the show. So I was thinking about this independence in a relationship. How do you do that? How do you stay independent, but still have a healthy relationship?

And this is a very common challenge. And it actually made me, we got this email and then it started to be thinking about, okay, all of my relationships, this has kind of been a problem until I learned how to navigate it more. But I realized like I really, I'm a fiercely independent person. Yeah, I've been that way since I was a child. Like I'd rather be alone, I prefer being alone, like even when I was in college,

if my friends were like, we're going on a big group. I'm like, well, then I'll meet you there. Like I can't wait for 10 people to get ready. This is just, I'm an extreme example of that. But also in relationships, this has been a challenge when I'm someone who's, I've always worked really hard and I've also had friendships that are equally important to me. If not more than relationships, then there's my family and there's time for everything. So I remember and also like we do not value the same things in relationships like maybe you own your independence and your partner's

like, well, if you want to be with your friends, which this is what reminded me of it, then I'm going to have to come with you and you're like, where is my independence? Or do you like, I used to think like a great way to think about this is if you're dating someone, like, do you have the same, and you're thinking about getting more serious? Do you have the same vision for the week, for what a perfect weekend looks like? Do you both want to do the same things? Because typically that's when you're going to spend a lot of time together. But I was thinking about this guy dated a long time ago. We had zero things the same that we want to do in the weekends. I remember this

is a true story. It was a Saturday morning. I woke up, I ran a half marathon. No, granted, I didn't do that all the time, but I pretty much would work out in the mornings. I ran a half marathon, I got my dry cleaning and I had lunch with a friend. And I got back to his house about 1, 1231, and he was still like drunk and bed and like waiting for his friends to come over to watch the game. And it was like a beautiful sunny day in San Francisco. And I'm like, I started thinking myself, is this, and this had been a struggle over time? Fuller opposite.

Fuller opposite. I just ran and did it in friends. I said, it's Sonya. He's like, well, what's the weather like? I just ran over the Golden Gate Bridge and back. I've run errands, checked in with my friends, got guests in my car. And I got to tell you, that was emblematic

of many other things in our relationship. You know, we didn't like, you know, like do the same things. And I got to tell you, that was emblematic of many other things in our relationship. You know, we didn't like, you know, like do the same things. And I thought, well, what a great, even if you think about this, do we want to have the same vision for like a perfect Saturday. So, independence and a relationship, how do you keep that?

We'll still loving up your partner. So, James, you want to read this email and then we can get into some more ways to handle it? Yes, so we have an email from a Teddy, 36 in California. Hi Emily, long time listener and thanks for making the dating world so much easier to navigate. My girlfriend and I have been together for two years, get along great and our sex life couldn't be better. I like to spend the weekends meeting friends at the beach, hiking and going out at night.

She is totally fine staying at home or doing something small like dinner with a friend. She doesn't like me socializing without her and isn't eager to let me make plans with friends. We haven't had any issues of infidelity, so I do believe she trusts me. Her leveling which is quality time first and physical context second, as our mine, I value our time together but realize that I need time outside of the relationship too. I love her and see us ending up together, but I feel like this has taken a toll. What's a fair balance of time apart for most couples?

Okay guys, what is it? So Teddy, he has a lot of things that came up for me in reading your email. Now let me just say this, when you guys were asking me for numbers and percentages and days spent together and apart all that stuff or how many times should we sleep together, I'm not gonna give you numbers.

I'm just not good and you're gonna get hung up on that. But let me tell you this, first off, each couple gets to decide how much time together works for them and So I'm not going to tell you what's a fair amount, but it sounds right now You know you guys get to negotiate that but it feels to me like you're not getting the time that you need and I'm not sure you know at any time like if you're to want to give out the beach and hiking and nature and going out at night. She wants to stay home and do things.

This could be an ongoing struggle. The other thing is, it makes sense if you're a love language is quality time, you're also going to want that with your friends. I know my love language is extend with everybody. That's how we feel love and appreciate it. It's like, you're going to need that time with your boys. You're going to need time on the, you know, doing your things that's how we feel love and appreciate it. So it's like, you're gonna need that time with your boys. You're gonna need time on the, you know, doing your things that you love to do.

And so, so I think the most important thing is to communicate, you know, let our, no, you guys need it. Definitely have a talk about this and just say, like, you know, you're time with your friends or priority and it doesn't mean in reinforcing that you love her less, that you value her, her time less, but that this is something that's part of your constitution and that makes it who you are.

And that's gonna be something important to discuss with her. And I have a feeling in reading this, that like, unless she can see your way about this, I don't think this is fair in the sense of like, not a lot, I don't, it doesn't feel good to me. And again, I'm very like, I, because I also have a little bit of bias here, but I've happened to also have scientific, I have, you know, experience.

Also, I have a clinical experience that if you, if you're trying to tell your part, if you try to keep your part away from their friends that they love doing the activities they love, and they're like, oh, God, I'll seal. Ball and Jane, if I can have a guy's night out or, oh, he never wants me to go out with my girls. He doesn't trust me that never goes well and really does that change unless couples can come to agreement So unless you guys are gonna you know Have it to be able to make some concessions around this. I I think that it might not last here If you can't get past it the other thing is there is a trend right now of married couples living apart

Interesting what's it got couples living apart. Interesting. What's it got like living apart together? Oh yeah, L-A-T, how long does it take? L-A-C, living hell and fish are talked about this living apart together. And I just read that Gwen and Peltro and her marriage, they actually don't live together. They see each other four times a week.

And so I think when it comes to independence in a relationship, it's a really important thing to discuss with your partner like, well, like, set your intentions. Like, okay, what kind of relationship are you seeing this as? Like, I see this as like, I'm feeling like I would feel great if we had two nights together during the week and one on the weekend.

What do you, and you guys get to decide together? Or you come up with that number. So then you're not bombing out that Friday night, they already made plans. Or maybe you're the kind of person that wants to spend every all weekend together. And your partner's like, nope, Saturday nights for my girls. So it's like, you got to, you got to talk about these things. I think the sooner that you sort this out with friends, with your lovers, the better. And then even to go

one step further, how often are you going to communicate early on in a relationship? Oh, that's so smart. How about like, okay, let's say we text every day, but we talk once a week or we Face time once a week. Because then, come on, how many conversations do we have with our girlfriends? Like, what does it mean? He didn't call, he didn't text. Oh, it's hard.

Or I kept waiting from asking you on a Friday. And then, you know, you have this whole vision of like, we're gonna spend every weekend together. And they're like, no, I had never done that with anybody in my life, but it doesn't mean I love you less. So the sooner you can talk to these, like, get these things clear with the partner, the more hard, you're gonna save so much time and heartache

and stressing with your friends and analyzing texts and why do you call and she called. Yeah, didn't you have a conversation about texting with your last partner? Yeah, I was like, listen, I am not gonna be, if I don't get back to you, is it okay if I don't get back to you right away? Or not, is it okay? But just so you know, I love when you send me texts the mail the day. I don't often read them.

I don't have time to get into it and often I feel like I'm a really clever person if we're together and person, but I'm not, I don't have time to witty banter back and forth through the week. So if I don't answer you right away, it doesn't mean I don't, you're not awesome, and I don't appreciate it. He's like, oh no, I just love texting you these funny things. So if you don't respond, it's fine. And I felt this huge weight lifted that I didn't have. And then it makes you almost want to respond more in a way, or at least it gave me permission to be myself.

And then when I had a moment to respond, I was like, it's okay, but it wasn't like, oh no, if I don't get back to it, it's going to be upset. There's a million ways you can clear that stuff out with partners, it makes sense. I really, and I just thought of this right now with my last relationship. I really wish I had asked him, what does your perfect Saturday look like?

Because we did like to do different things. Right. And he didn't like hang out with my friends, but I was like, I work during the week and I don't really see my friends during the week, so I'm gonna be with them. And if you don't like them, then tough cooking. Exactly.

No, I think that's too, like, even if you're out of first date, that's one of my favorite date questions. What's your idea of a perfect Sunday, or perfect Sunday, or perfect weekend, or perfect vacation? Because it's like, then you know, in my leisure time, I go towards this, and that is not going to change. So do that with a little bit. What about oh that's a good like on dating apps, Kristen, don't you do that?

I do. I actually always say that's like the very first question I ask. If it's like a Monday or Tuesday, I'll be like, Hey, how was your weekend? How did you spend it? Because I really want to know, do I want to be a part of their weekend? Right. Exactly. I really want to know do I want to be a part of their weekend right exactly and if they were at some like rager It's probably not for me. Yeah, he's like we were up all night We took a Vegas for the night and then we've been dancing. I know if they're my type in one question That's a great. That's such a great everyone should find that question. Yeah, yeah, good All right, let's talk to Carolyn who's 26 in California. She wants to share the talk she had with her partner about boundaries in the relationship. All right. Hey, Carolyn, Caroline, Caroline.

Hi, yes, Caroline. Hey, Caroline. Tell me I love to hear what happened with boundaries such a tricky for people. Oh, it's so hard and we actually went through something very similar as a gentleman that wrote to you guys just now. And we didn't communicate it, communicate our feelings with each other for quite some time. It was kind of like boiling into this like resentfulness. And I was actually the one who felt like I wasn't getting up time. He's very social and outgoing and so he would go out you know every other night and I was just getting tired of not spending time with him and quality time is my love language. So we kind of sat down and realized that the problem was he it wasn't thought he wasn't spending time with me. It was, he wasn't spending quality time. Right.

And when he wasn't spending time with me, and he was out at bars or hiking or events, concerts, it was really, he was with people who I had really never met. And so I felt like he was choosing to hang out with strangers instead of, like, spending time with the person that you love. And so we kind of talked about ways that we could fix it. And one of those was kind of like setting the boundary as I want to meet your friends if you're going to be hanging out with them

you know several times a week and the time that we do have together just needs to be more thoughtful. Yeah. That way it's not, you know, we're not on our phones, and we're not just watching TV at home, or doing something together to grow our relationship. God, Caroline, that's thank you. We're definitely really independent people,

so it was really hard for me to have those feelings and realize, I don't want to pull Tim back, but. Right, no, thank you. This is great, because we didn't actually go, we didn't loop back on it. This is a perfect, it's so true. You can't get through this. You had that wear with it.

You were his girlfriend. You were essentially like, but then it's so smart and so astute, Caroline, that you realize, wait a minute. It's the quality. It's the, let's put our phones down and we're leaving the house and we're going to do something together and we're going to be connect and that will be quality. Not, you know, ordering out postmates and watching Netflix. Totally get it.

Thank you, Caroline. I love that. Very helpful. Thanks. Thank you so much. So go ahead and let me just circle back to that then. If you're just joining us, we were talking about Teddy, who was having a hard time in his relationship.

I've been with this girlfriend for two years. And they're both quality time, but she was feeling like she wasn't. So now I see her perspective more in the sense of like, if they could have a real conversation, so hopefully Teddy's gonna hear this and could say, well, what kind of time together would make you feel fulfilled and satisfied and explain the need of him to be with his friends?

Maybe they'd figure out what quality time looks like to them. Yeah, because I think that makes so much sense if the only time that you're hanging out together, you're just sitting at home watching TV, you're not feeling connected really anyway. Exactly. And that happened to me in relationships as well, and this is because again, I need my next boyfriend, I need to be a planner. I'm pretty much up, I will tell you exactly what I want to do, but I'm not going to plan

it, I'm not going to buy the tickets, I don't have time, you're going to have to present it and make it happen, that's just something I'm not going buy the tickets, I don't have time. You're gonna have to present it and make it happen. That's just something I'm not gonna pick up. So when I've been with, like in my lab, in one of my recent relationships, and it was like, we both wanted you so much, and then we look back, we're like, we're home a lot watching TV, which was novel in the beginning,

because I'm like, I never watch TV. And then he would accuse me, he's like, but you're always doing things with your friends every night you've got things. I'm like, because they're inviting your events, or many nights, I said, honestly babe, they're inviting me to things. I'm the friend that will show up,

I'll be there, I'll support, I'll bring drinks, but I'm not planning it. So you and we just couldn't, either we couldn't get to the planning thing. Couldn't figure out who's gonna plan. Oh yeah, no, you need a planner. You need a planner. Like I'm up, I'm there, I'm gone,

but I'm not like, well, let's get our calendar. I mean sometimes I will, but it's not often I ring many other things to the relationship Our guys were going to get quick break and we come back into your questions Alright, let's talk to Dave. He's 49 in Texas. He wants to know how guys can give nipple gasms to women. Hey Dave, great question. How are you? I'm so good. You know, most guys, including me, I heard of this on your show a couple of days ago.

I don't think most guys have heard of this, that this is even exist. I don't know if many girls know of nipple gasms. Yeah, it's a real deal. So what percent of that to question? What percent of women do you think of experiences? Or can't experience it? And number two, what techniques should a guy use to try to give his girlfriend a nepocasin?

It's a great question. Well Dave, here's the thing, again just just like the anal growing, not everything is possible for every person. And I think that a lot of people, women don't really realize that it's actually something that can happen. In fact, it's the same region in our brain that's responsible for clitor orgasms, are responsible for nipple orgasms. But so I think that what percentage, I mean, I think it's more common common than we think I think a lot of women can and they don't

Like they don't know it. They just like multiple orgasms like a lot of women haven't had multiple orgasms But it's not because they can't they just didn't know how to do it So the same thing goes for nipple gassums, which is why I talk about it a lot because I think it's it's pretty could be Accessible for a lot of women, but like everything, it takes a little bit of time to build up to it. So, so NippoGa essentially though, it has 800 nerve endings, and it's the same part of your brain as your genitals, right?

So stimulation 101, like everything, it's gonna vary from woman to woman. And I think the best way to start out is slow, like with your tongue, and you wanna make sure there's also like a lot of saliva, You would like lick slowly, you know, around the nipples. Massaging the nipples can be a huge turn on. Someone we might like biting, it might be helpful to use like a nipple clamp, but you would kind of build up to that. You have to experience and see what kind of, what feels really good to them. And also the first thing, just like when you're warming up anything,

like before anal and like give them, but the buttocks massage, don't just go right for the nipples either. Like tees around them, like tees around their breasts and you know, the inside of the breast, if you're really good too, like taking a finger and so yeah, you really just wanna like play with both of them and I think lick and suck and play with different textures and pressures and movements, really. You could use a vibrator on a nipple.

You could use- What do you do in the breast while you're sucking and licking. Yeah, I think you want to go slow. Here's a thing with women, and I think that men might like this as well, but they don't know it, because everything's really fast. But I can tell you what I believe is that everything going slow will not only feel great because you're teasing and you're building up to it. You're not going right for the nipple yet. You're like grazing your fingers around the breath, like around the entire breath and

you're lightly massaging and you're going slow. And then while you're doing that, you're watching her reaction like is she moaning as her breath quickening? Is it turning around? Right? And that doesn't mean go faster. It just means like, wow, first of all, she just be like, no one's ever taken this much time with my breath.

No one's ever slowed it down and really like looked at it. So I feel like, yeah, you can massage, you could lick. And definitely like maybe you play with a little vibrator around her nipples and you tease it. And you, you know, I think vibrations feel pretty good everywhere. So I think licking and sucking and maybe even you lick and then you blow so you get like the hot, the lick and the cold, warm mouth and then the cool.

And that's stimulating all the nerve-ritting. So just think about it there like that. It's just waiting for that kind of a rouse on now for women, you just keep going, right? If they like it, just keep going, right? You don't have to stop and then see. Now again, if a woman's never had one, the chances are that Dave's the first time,

you do it, it probably won't happen. But it's like, wow, I really like that in the play. Then you know it's just something new to bring into your repertoire. So, all right. I don't, yeah, I've won my things. I don't know if the show, because I just tuned in by calling. But have you, ladies, on the show experienced it before? Either by your own demly-closed or

from a partner? I've gotten very close to a nipple gasm. I have not had one. I haven't focused on it though to be honest. I have. I've had one by myself only once. And I was like, it's really crazy. It feels great.

Could you ballpark say, just take five minutes, 30 minutes for you. Well, I don't know that. Dude, we don't know. They're all different. I'm not going to give you up, but I promise you it's not going to be two minutes. Yeah, but go slow, Dave. Yeah, go figure out whoever you're with. Like it time shouldn't matter, right? You'll be in so into the groove. It'll happen. It won't, but, but sometimes you don't, you just get it going with it.

And the next time she'll even look forward to it more. Thank you for your call, Dave. Yeah. I love nipple play. I feel like it just adds to even if they're just playing, and they're like kissing you, making out, and they're just like fingering you a little bit, like then them fingering you and going for the nipple,

is just that swing. Yeah, I can really work out this. It's the same, because that's the thing, is if you play with both at the same time, you've to realize it's the same part of the brain you are stimulating. So if the nipple and the clitoris, like then it's more likely to play with both. Yeah. So I can nipples and play with our clitoris.

Kirsten, 29 Chicago. She's got a question about her boyfriend not being able to get all the way there during sex. Hey, Kirsten. Thanks for calling. Tell me what's going on. So excited to talk to you whenever I'm driving from work, I always listen. And so as you just said, like other people listening, but I'm like,

folks that I got through only to me too. How can I help you? So what's going on? Well, we've been dating for about four and a half years, almost five years now. We've lived together for about three and a half, you know, that whole journey. And just like, I've just been noticing lately since like we've lived together, you know, things get last the days go, you know, whatever.

And I've just noticed that like, either like when he wants to do it either in the morning or like, you know, a little bit later at night, like when I get home from work. And it's like if he hasn't, I feel like he's tired home from work and it's like if he has in it's a little tired or like has it he's like he can't get there and i don't know if he's blaming it on that or if i'm not doing the right thing but i'm i'm asking them like am i doing something wrong and like you know you're not getting there you know you should be you know right

doing this but i'll care so i have question you. Does he ever get there? Or is it only when you think he's hungry or tired? Oh, no, he does. But it's like, if we did it right away in the morning, right before we go to work, let's say, like, around like 6, 30, 6, 45 in the morning, when we got it, that happened.

And so it's like going on for like 10 minutes and like, I'm done. Essentially at that point some you know like he's not done and then he's just like I'm tired of him to take shower so I just I don't know it's like it makes me feel like you know I'm like what am I doing wrong and I and I yeah but it's just it's just kind of on and so it's like I don't want to be like you do it's a doctor like but I mean like we're so young. We're 29. You have kids yet.

And, well, okay, okay. But, Kirsten, here's the thing. So I'm trying to understand. So when you guys do it in the morning, is he, you said, even then, you get done, but he'd never, it sounds like he doesn't ever really finish. We're talking about ejaculate, right? Have an orgasm. It sounds like he doesn't often.

Okay. So it sounds to me, Kirsten, is that he's a delayed adjaculator. Delayed adjaculation. It's a thing, it's not as well known. It typically means that you last, 30 minutes or longer than in bed, like longer than you want to, and it takes you, yeah, as long as you can't at all,

or articulate an hour and a half with a partner, and you just can't in bed or with a partner, ejaculate. And so it's less diagnosed. We're not really understanding why that happens. And a lot of shame around it too. They feel bad. They know that you know women were like, oh my god, I'm not hot enough.

I don't know the right blow job moves. I should probably get on top more and we beat ourselves up because it's just a lesser well-known than PE premature ejaculation. So this is what it sounds like to me is going on with him. Do you? Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

He was a swimmer in college and he was like really athletic like on the go 24 or 7. So I mean, I just, you know, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just realized it's a different thing. Okay. But wait, so does he, does he take any medication? Does he drink? Is he smoking weed? Is there like anything like that? Oh my god, no.

I mean, literally like maybe two nights a week have like, you know, a grandpa bug light. So, okay. Nothing in that sense, or we're not doing it when it's not. Right, and he's not in medication or anything. Nope. Okay, so here's a thing. Deleted ejaculation is a tricky one because a lot of times something could have happened

when he was younger and it gets locked into his brain. You know, our brain's like, it just happened once where he wasn't able to, maybe he was about to ejaculate and someone was coming in the room when he was like 14 years old and then at that point he just could no longer ejaculate. There are some physiological things that could be going on as well, but typically this one's a little bit harder to figure out. And so I would say that he should definitely go to a doctor and talk to him about it.

And figure out, there are definitely, and just know that like I think you know, you love that you want to be with him, you can just let him know that you found out some more information that you totally support him, and he should go talk to a doctor and figure out like a neurologist or he can go to a sex therapist, they could really work with him because there are ways to get through it but it's going to take some practice and

maybe some work with both of you. Now I hope it sounds like you orgasm pretty quickly like when you're about with them in 10 minutes which is pretty cool because it doesn't often happen. But what he can figure out. I mean if there's like things like yeah that he's doing clearly, you know, it's like, get it going, but it's not. I mean, it's, you know, it's a little bit longer, but sometimes it just makes me worried that like, you know, like I asked, as I said, and like, am I doing something wrong?

Like, do you want something more? You know, trying to be like, open it on it, which I hate doing, but like, you know, saying like, me something more, you know, because what's going on? And then he's like, no, it's fine. I'm just tired or I'm hungry. Right. So that's also like kind of like, it feels like the balloon is like full and then it just like pops like crap.

Right. Exactly. So have you seen, yeah, I feel like it also, do you know if he one more thing? Does he masturbate? Do you think that in the time that we know each other, I've never seen him do that, which is like, I find a little bit strange. It's like an adult male, you know, shouldn't you be doing that. Right. You know there might be some, I don't know if he grew up in a religious background.

I mean there's like a psychological component and a physiological component. I'm thinking it might be more psychological. So I would just live, remember none of these things is not one conversation. It's many conversations. You love him, Kirsten. You can just say I found some more information. Let's, we have a lot of it on our website conversation, it's many conversations. You love him, Kirsten, you can just say, I found it some more information. Let's, we have a lot of it on our website too, at sexathomely.com.

I would find a doctor and go from there. You know I'm here five minutes a week, you can call me back, so that should be the first step. Talk to him and then you guys can, you can figure out the next steps together, okay? And I'll be here to help. Thank you so much for calling, Kirsten. That's a thing we blame ourselves,

we think it's our fun, so I think that a lot of people can relate to that, we get a ton of questions about that. You guys, delayed ejaculation. They're typically maybe had some pressure in our booth or something. We don't know really, but it is more psychological, which is the good news. It just can also kind of help to untreated if he goes to talk to someone. All right. We have Jonathan, who is 40 in Los Angeles.

He's got no social media but he wants to start doing dating apps and we need the advice on how to start. All right. Hey Jonathan. Hey it's fine. Yeah they call me Jack too. Hey Jonathan Jack what's going on? Okay so no social media. Oh it's great. No social media and I've been I was married for 10 years so I was out of the hunt during when everything came, came out, and I just don't feel comfortable with, I only have LinkedIn, and every time I approach someone or ask someone, they're like, hey, how's your feeling? It comes down to, where's your Facebook and or whatever, and I got nothing.

And then they look at me like I murder people. No, I know, right? I know it's like, almost where, like, how do you not? So here's the thing, are you asking me because dating apps, actually, you have to have a social media account to join most of the dating apps or you don't anymore? James, did you want to be in the same email? You can use email.

You could use an email for them, actually. You don't think you have to hinge as one that everyone's using right now that having a lot of success around my office. I think Bumble's another one. I think there's a work around. I don't think they make you would be in social media, but what you could also do, Jonathan, I get thatumble is another one. I think there's a work around. I don't think they make you would be in social media,

but what you could also do Jonathan, I get that you don't wanna do it, you could start an account and just have one picture. And like, you could just do that. So, should I think, how should I, should I have on a tie? Like, I'm really curious about that. Jonathan, I adore you. I don't know, I hear, where do you feel the most you, Jonathan? Like, where do you feel that you are your best self? What are you wearing? What are you doing?

You know, I'm just gonna take me a minute to figure that out, but I think Yeah, probably just a relaxed person. Yeah, if you're relaxed, don't wear a tie. I'll be like he's gonna wear a tie bed And I don't know unless he's gonna tie me up with it. No, John It's also good to ask your friends who know you like if you've sisters or really good girlfriends, they can help you with that. So I feel like something in an environment where you feel comfortable and have some of your girlfriends or sisters or someone that you trust give you some advice about it. Make sure you have good lighting and let just so you know you, a lot of men are not the

best at taking pictures. I'm just going to be honest. Women, we got this. Guys are not great at it. So I think it just going to be honest. Women, we got this. Guys are not great at it. So I think it's always great to call the troops, the women that you trust and have them take a look at it. And they maybe write your profile and then have them look at it.

Friends that you know that are on the apps. Let me tell you this. We did a show here. I helped Michelle who works here with her dating app. And we got how many requests, dozens and dozens of requests, people want me to help them with their app. So I can, it's called SummerSex Spice Up. It's a podcast that we did.

So check that out. It gives great beginner tips. And you know, we do three podcasts a week. Wherever you listen to podcasts, you can down that one. SummerSex Spice Up, it goes step by step and want to do for the dating apps. SummerSex. SummerSex Spice Up.

We're going to put it in the show notes. It's sexwithmley.com. Yeah, so I would check that one out, but is that your, six. Summer, six, spice up. We're gonna put it in the show notes. It's sexwithm.ly.com. Yeah, so I would check that one out, but is that your, yeah, and then just start, is that's also just being out in the world helps dating too, like just, you know, taking a different room home from work, saying yes to those events, you're like, I'm not gonna go to that person's barbecue,

I can't stand them, but maybe they got a friend there that you might like, you know? So letting people know that you're single and you're ready to date again. I mean, how we meet is mostly through friends and online now, apparently, according to a new study. So I wouldn't worry about it though. And don't spend a lot of time texting.

Just meet someone as soon as you're 40. Like, don't do all this back and forth. Be like, when can we meet? I just hear from all my women and friends. I did it for that too, because I was one of my thing. Yeah, I didn't know how the answers both were. You. Because I was one of my friends. Yeah. I didn't know how the answers both were. You know, you can text a few times.

But if you feel like you like someone, be like, you want to chat for if I think it's good to talk in the phone, even better yet, FaceTime for a few minutes, I love this hack. Why are you going to drive across town? I mean, you're not a woman, but we got to get ready to our hair and make up and then we get there. We're like, nope. It gets a waste of time. So there's soon you can cut through the texting and the chatty banter, which is time

that you'll never get back in your life, chatting with someone that you find out when you meet them that's just a disaster, not what you want. So try to move it along as quick as you can. If you find it interested in someone, connect, make a plan to meet, and then repeat. All right?

You're an excellent soul. Okay, don't, then, I'm here every night for you. I got you, I got you. Can we intimidate you in a day to day and after all these years? That is the cutest thing I've ever heard. Should I wear a tie? If you do every day, although I think I'm anti-hot,

like I don't think that men wear suits enough. Like I'm in New York, I'm like, yes, I see New York in all my guts. We're a goddamn suit. Guys are in suits all the time. I don't even know you, like just like your suit moving suit hot We have Kristi 33 Missouri she wants to know if there's some reason why she can have multiple orgasms when she masturbates But not when she's with her husband

Hey, Kristi. Yes, we can help you though transfer those multiples into sector their husband. That's the good news transfer those multiples into sector of your husband. That's the good news. That would be fantastic. Okay, so tell me about what happens when you're when you're when you're alone masturbating. Are you using a toy or your fingers? So I have one toy that I had since before I knew my husband and we've been together 10 years. Okay. And it is my favorite and sometimes I have to almost not, I can't ask Wait's Day, I don't have a time because it's like I get sucked into it because I can just go over and over

and over again. We've all been there. I want that and yeah, it's like I can't pull myself away. I want that with my husband and we have a fantastic sex life and we keep things fresh and we're adventurous and we communicate really well. But it's like one-side orgasm with him. It's like, oh my god, don't touch it. I can't. Okay. And I don't understand the difference between the two and why it's happening. So when you have the orgasm with your husband, is it during penetration or is it during oral sex? Either one, whichever we're doing. Okay. But if we do oral before, then I won't be able to have another orgasm when it's through

penetration after. Okay. But if we don't do oral, I can't orgasm with penetration. Okay. And I can have a nipple orgasm. And if that happens before, when we're even just like closed still on, it's like forget it. I can't have another one after that. Right, okay, so that's a mindset.

So you've told yourself that, because maybe at one point it was really painful after, or right now maybe it is too. So my best tips for multiples is that, especially with a partner, is that you want to make sure that you, you just kind of take all hands off deck, all hands off your clitoris at that point,

you just breathe, and you make sure that maybe he continues to, you know, just kiss your neck and to stroke you so, because the women's refractory period, the time in between orgasms, is a lot shorter than men. Like, you know, men, having multiples, they could take them, you know, over, they have to wait and they can't typically do it, but for women we can. But we just have to learn that it might hurt in that moment to be touched. But if you can keep the energy flowing like you're still making out or maybe

you're going down on him again or maybe you're just kind of switching up positions, maybe you stop having sex that kind of trade of sex at that moment and you continue to make out for a minute. And there's no touching of your genitals. But then when you get back to it, you'll realize that you'll be able to perhaps go again. I think it's just a mindset that you can't, I hear this all the time for women, they're like, I'm done, I'm done. And that's because what we're told, A,

and maybe actually has felt that way, but there's just no, that there's, if you're able to do it with your, I don't know, with a vibrator, you can learn to do it with your husband. So I think it would really just be a matter of switching up your positions. And when you do have oral sex, maybe you have won that way. And then continue to like pump your kettle muscles.

That really helps me, is your pelvic floor muscles, because those are the muscles that are responsible for orgasm. You contract them. Sometimes you're just kind of pumping those a little bit. Maybe he's doing some other things that turn you on or you're just taking the tension off you and you're kissing him. And then it goes back to you again. Typically that's how it happens.

You just kind of, you just kind of flow and maybe it won't happen the first time. Because I love the idea of sex being more fluid and not so linear. Do you say that now I'm thinking it seems like it must really be in my head? It is in my I'm not in the moment anymore, right? And so then that you know, I feel like all right. We're done Right, but we're not right and it's yeah, if I can get past that and keep myself in the moment Exactly, Christie, it's all your mind your mind says done over for business That's all I can do because that's all I've been doing my whole life But I'm telling you this is in your head, which is the really good news.

So just don't compete yourself up. It might not happen the first time, but just you can even let them know, babe, guess what? I'm gonna try something new. I'm just gonna breathe. You know what I'm gonna say? I was done.

I don't think I am. And then I'll be like, cool. Let's keep going and try it. Maybe you bring out your toy for that second one. Maybe you add some more, Lou. You know, we are sometimes we're not, why I think we need Lou during every act. So even adding a few drops after because maybe you're dry. Even if you're wet during the beginning, you might not be

dry throughout, which is why I think you have to reapply lube. So have some lube by, have your vibrator nearby and just, you know, start again with, and just kind of forget everything you learned in the past and start new. See how it goes. Awesome. I'm excited to try now. Me too, Kristi. I'll be here five minutes a week. So call me back and let me know it goes. I feel like it's going to happen soon. Thank you so much. Okay, you're so welcome. Thanks for calling, Kristi. Have a good night. So we got Mike, who's 50 from Chicago, and he wants to talk about prostate stimulation.

All right, Tane, Mike. What's going on? How can I help you? Hi, Emily. Hi, I'm. Hello, you're on. Thank you, thank you so much. I love your show. Thank you. I wanted to tell you that I find it so refreshing that you've never judged anyone.

That is really, really awesome. Thanks Mike. Yeah. We all touch ourselves too much anyway. You know, I'm open. Here to support. Yeah, we all touch ourselves too much anyway, you know, I'm open. Here to support. Yeah, thank you. That is really good. I read a few, I've got a little, a little bit of research on the prostate issue.

And nothing really specifies, you know, when exactly would that be done? I mean, I talked my wife again,, you know, communication like you say. Yep, communication is a lubrication. And she said that yes, she would be down for it. Does it be something that she would do while she's going down on me? Oh, good question, Mike. So tell me what kind of, are you just, you're saying, you just want her to explore your prostate or maybe just start with a finger,

like even like a finger in your butt. Okay, honestly, I think a great place to start is during oral. That is a great place and to see how it feels. So we would help with like, she's giving you a blowjob. Maybe you guys take a shower together because sometimes that's, you know, to make sure you're all clean

and make sure that her nails are trimmed and that, you know, she's clean because it's important and she could also put a condom over her fingers. I know people don't do this but I'm just saying you gotta make sure your nails are clean and she could try a finger like a pinky in there

and she could use some lube. Lube is so important because our anus is not going to lubricate on its own. And I would say that would be a great place to start and just see how it feels with the finger and communicate. You know, maybe you're laying on your back and she puts a finger in that could be a great place to start. And maybe she even just started with the finger outside of your anus like rubbing her finger around the nerve endings just to see how it feels. Yeah. I like that she's down with that.

Yeah. And then you call me back if you want to graduate to some other things. We can get you prostate toy, pegging. There's a lot of places to go with it. But I think just start with a finger and see if you like it. You can also try it on your own. OK, yeah, we're doing really great.

You answer one of my email questions a while back. Yeah, I mean, we're communicating better. I'm so glad, Mike. Oh, so it's my pleasure. I'm so glad it's been helpful, and I will be here for you every night. Thanks, Mike. Keep me posted. All right, so I have an Instagram question for you.

This is, I don't have an age from a female, though. My husband doesn't turn me on anymore, but the thought of other guys do is that a bad sign. Oh, okay. guys do is that a bad sign. Okay, that is not necessarily a bad sign. I think it's a bad sign when we assume that we are never going to have attraction towards anybody else but our partner. I think we all know that is ridiculous.

I would say don't beat yourself up for it, but maybe there's a way you could kind of take some of those fantasies and put the energy back into the relationship with your partner. Have you worked on it? Is it a husband she said or a partner? Her husband. Have you actually talked to your husband about making a sex plan? I mean, I love the idea of couples having a sex plan. What are we going to tackle in our sex life this year?

Next quarter, you could sign up for my subscription box, for example. I have a box that comes out every three months and you could like get a box of toys and lobes and games and fun things to play with. You could decide that you want a role play. You could decide that you want to try some toys together. You want to, I don't know, fulfill some fantasies. You could create a bucket list. And you eat right down three things,

and then you swap list, and then you see which one you want to try. We have a yes-no-maybe list on our website. A lot of people love to download that and it lists a bunch of different sexual acts and activities and a bunch of things are on sex and you can decide, well where do we meet on this? Do we want to be spanked? Yes, no, maybe.

You'll find out, oh, we both like massage. Are we both like, I don't know, nibble play. And then you see where you match up. So I think that don't be yourself. It's totally healthy to have fantasies and about somebody else when you're in a committed relationship, as long as it just doesn't go too far and you don't sort of get off on that fantasy land with the other person and then just sort of abandoned

the energy that you actually have to bring to the sexual relationship with your husband. You guys have to remember that sex is going to fade in every single relationship. It just is. And if you're just waiting around for it to spring back up all of a sudden, they hit you over the head, you're gonna wake up in the morning, you're like, now I want to have sex with my husband again like I used to. No, that is not going to happen.

We all have to make efforts. We all have to bring the energy to the table. You have to both put be in it. And you have to both say, I know lately it sucked. It hasn't been great. We haven't been working on it. Let's start now and commit to each other to make something happen and bring... Either you bring back that spark or you create a new one, but that's like imperative in all relationships. All right guys, thanks for listening, thanks for subscribing, thanks for telling a friend. Thank you for reviewing us wherever you listen

to the podcast that really helps. And also thanks to an amazing team, Ken, Kristen, Michelle, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at sexwithemily.com. you