Sex With Emily - Get What You Want (In Bed)

Episode Date: June 25, 2024

Ever dated a mind reader who just gets you? …Chances are, probably not. Unfortunately for us, deep connections need deep communication skills. I mean, how can your partner know your needs if you don’t tell them? I know it’s not easy, though, and that’s why today’s throwback is all about articulating what you need, sexually and otherwise. The result? Way healthier relationship dynamics and hotter sex. You’re welcome! In this episode you’ll learn: What to do if you want your child to grow up with more positive sex messaging than you had How to deal with an emotionally detached partner Why you have to communicate to get the kind of touch you need in bed Show Notes: Join me for a Sexual Wellness Weekend in Canyon Ranch! Take the SWE Listener Survey Here! SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Try the LELO DOT Travel Today!  Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.

If somebody has an active fantasy life, they typically do fantasize about past sexual partners. And so I do not think it's cheating. But everyone gets to decide what cheating is in their relationship, but someone can't tell you that you're not allowed to fantasize about something. Now there's two kinds of fantasies. Remember this doc, there's the fantasies that we want to actually happen in real life that we want to share with the partner, like I think it'd be fun to enact this.

And then there's fantasies that we just want to keep to ourselves and they're all okay. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who can read your mind and anticipate your needs 24-7? And then, not only that, they fulfill them perfectly?

Yeah, me neither. The truth is, deep relationships require deep communication skills, and the most important skill is this, being able to articulate what you need, sexually and otherwise. The result? Way healthier need sexually and otherwise. The result? Way healthier relationship dynamics and relationships.

So on today's Ask Emily show, I give you communication tools to put in your back pocket so you can improve your relationship one talk at a time. So what about when you're tired of hookups and want a relationship with real depth? Or maybe you want more than one relationship. Well, I talk you through ways to approach both. I also talk about getting the kind of touch you need in bed because let's face it, sometimes pain is fun and sometimes it's just painful.

With the right communication, you can find just the right sweet spot. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It helps get the show out to more people and it just takes a few seconds. You can do it right now. You can also find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter

or X and Facebook. All of it, all of it is at Sex with Emily. Check out my new articles, how to know if you're good in bed and how to have long distance sex. Those are up on sexwithemily.com. Okay, one more quick thing before we get into the episode. I'm so excited to announce that I'm doing something

for the very first time and I hope you're gonna join me. So I'm hosting an intimate women's retreat at Cannon Ranch Wellness Resort and Spa in Tucson, Arizona. It's coming up, it's June 27th to June 30th, 2024. So we're gonna spend four days and three nights together where I'm gonna answer all of your questions in person. I'm so excited to meet you and have intimate discussions throughout the weekend about pleasure and sexuality, sexual intelligence.

We'll have a special retail pop-up experience. We'll have cocktails. I'll also have all my favorite product recommendations. And I just hope you're going to join me. You can also experience all of Canyon Ranch's incredible offerings. They have over 200 wellness classes, courses, fitness journeys, all the things you want to do are at Canyon Ranch's incredible offerings. They have over 200 wellness classes, courses, fitness journeys, all the things you wanna do are at Canyon Ranch. So please join me.

I'm gonna put a link in the show notes and you can also find more information at sexwithemily.com slash live. That's sexwithemily.com slash live and I just can't wait to see you there. All right everyone, enjoy this episode. I just heard something that blew my mind. there. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. I just heard something that blew my mind. There are now more daily cannabis eaters than daily drinkers.

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We have Hunter, she's 20 in Michigan. Hi. Hunter, what's up? I am so excited to talk with you. I've been listening to your podcast for so long. You are one of my role models. I'm so excited. Oh, I'm so happy to talk to you. Hi Hunter from my home state.

Yes, I guess my problem is, and maybe it's not a problem. You can tell me I'm unable to have a roster or to casually date multiple people at the same time. I've tried and in the beginning, it's empowering and it's fun flirting with all these guys. But then I either lose interest in all of them very quickly, which I'm known for, or I catch feelings for one person and I hyper fixate on them and can no longer talk to anyone else. And it almost feels inauthentic when I do try to talk to other people.

Okay. That's okay though. I mean, I think that you're figuring out your way right now. It works for you. There's no prescriptions here. No one says that every single person has to be, has to want to casually date and have a roster of men or women lined up. And for some people, that just doesn't work for them. For some people, they want to have security and safety and they want to trust someone. They want to have a relationship that they can build on over time. And that's where we can have a lot better sex too. When we're with somebody that we trust, that is invested in our pleasure

and we're invested in their pleasure. And that's totally fine that you do you. I don't think that there's anything wrong with wanting that. But it can also be exhausting. And maybe what you're craving now is you kind of want a connection with somebody. Definitely. And it's tough because I go to a very big school,

a big party school. So hookup culture is very prevalent, so I feel the expectation is to have this roster when it's like I don't want to just casually hook up with someone. I need that like intimate connection, so I almost feel like it's this like pressure to have this roster when it's just I tried and it's not for me. I'm hearing from this from so many more women Hunter and men that there is this expectation hookup culture you got to do it it makes you cool we're gonna get blackout drunk and we're gonna go sleep with a bunch of guys and it's very

empowering but is it like do you remember it does it feel good are they going down on you are having orgasms and so I would love you to just be that person with your friends and say, it's not for me. If you start telling guys, nope, not for me, not looking for that anymore, I tried it, it's not my thing, and you just start advocating for what you want, I think that you're going to first off, it's going to be very empowering and you're also going to be setting an example for others that, you know, this is what works. I think you'll give other people permission to pave their own way and to figure out what they want.

I mean, that's how it was when I went to college. There was no casual sex. Like if you had casual sex, you were slutty, you were judged, people talked about you forever. Like, oh, she slept with everyone at the frat party. You know, it's like, you just couldn't do it. And now the pendulum swung with this hookup culture and maybe it's going back the other way

or somewhere to the middle, where I don't think it was right either way. Like I think it should have been okay to experiment. It was so strict but now the fact that you're telling me it's totally gone the other wayward, it's you are judged and you're seen as I don't know needy or something if you want to if you want to partner. Like guys think I'm like too intense or some people think that I'm immature not participating in hookup culture. Like for some reason it makes me like like this immature person that I'm immature not participating in hookup culture. For some reason, it makes me like this immature person. I'm like, no, if anything, I should be deemed more mature that I understand my relationship with sex and I'm sticking to

that. Yeah. And it's difficult because typically the guys that I'm attracted to are the guys who are hooking up with all these girls and the guys girls and the g me and who respect the fa with them the first night to them. Exactly. This is It's because also the men places all it's a lot har are we're much more connect

with our friends and we t things were guys in colla time away from home. It's what all of their friends are doing. And so they don't really have a conditioning, they don't really have an understanding around what it means to be in a relationship, and they're doing what their friends are doing. They don't have the same level of dialogue

and trust with their friends. Not all, but some. But what you're saying is a classic, welcome all the guys I like don't like me, and the ones I don't like. It's just, dude, a classic like, welcome all the guys I like, don't like me and the ones I don't like. It's just, dude, that's been going on since the beginning of time and that's going to change. That dynamic is going to shift and change. I know this and I promise you. And I feel like it is changing because I've been hearing this from a lot of college students. And so I think you know what you want. And I think that's really intimidating. And I think that could be

really attractive to some, but also intimidating to others, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't keep doing you. And all the while, while you're still working on yourself and masturbating and making sure that you're giving yourself pleasure and figuring out your body, so when you do meet somebody, it's pleasurable for you as well.

No, you're definitely right. And I know in my gut that when these guys do give me a hard time, and make almost like fun of me for not going to sleep with them I know that they're wrong but there's also that part of me that's like like I'm in college like I want to have fun all my friends are doing this and doing that so I guess yeah I totally got it is it fun though like what you're saying is it wasn't fun for you you know wasn't fun yeah now maybe it's fun for them, but some of my friends

like to go out and play tennis or go, I don't know, whatever it is. There's certain things that I don't like that are not fun for me that sound like a nightmare. And so we all get to define what fun is. We all get to decide what works for us. And so I also think, again, that is the script. That is what everyone's doing.

And you guys all just got to college and what you were home with, And it's like free for all. And this is what people have been doing the last few years in college, just going out and hooking up. But I think that you're going to see the pendulum swing when you get like maybe your junior year, senior year. Mm-hmm. It starts to change a little bit.

I'm a junior right now. You're a junior? OK. A little bit. But still, you know, I still feel like a lot of guys are like, I'm in college. I only did here once. Like, the person who has the most amount of bodies, like that's the coolest guy,

we gotta try to be like him. They're not the coolest guy. So immature. I should come talk to college campuses, I really should. I've been wanting to say, just because you've been with more people, I would love to come, because literally it's a disaster. The fact that it's still a thing, your body count,

your body count, you should do it. It just means that you're somebody you can go out and bang a bunch of people. It does not mean that you are a good lover, that you're having quality sex, that you understand pleasure, your body, but you guys are still young and on the path of discovery. So would you say, let's say I do start

really liking someone and I'm texting them a lot, is it healthy though to also maybe keep the door open for a couple other people and not put all your eggs in one basket? Yes, I think that's important. I think always put, until it's locked down, I would still say go out, you don't have to sleep with them, but still flirt.

Unless you are committed and you've had the conversation, just assume that everyone's sleeping with other people and tell you of the conversation. And I think it's okay to like someone because then that, because what you told me early on to go back to that is you were saying that you get this laser focused. I think you're really healthy.

And what you're realizing is the counter to that is when you know you get laser focused, I tell everyone this, my friends this too, is keep dating, keep swiping, keep meeting people while you met someone you like, that's not locked down yet. And there's something to be said for having your attention spread out only because it helps you and compare and see if you're really into this person.

So yes, I think you're making all the right choices now. I think you are making very mature, healthy choices and all for it. Of course. I'm team Hunter. I wanted to talk to you for so long and this was very therapeutic. So I'm very appreciative. I'm so glad Hunter. I will, I'm going to, I will. I love that idea. Okay Hunter. Thank you so much. Have a wonderful night. Thank you so much. Keep doing you, you too. Bye. Have a great night. Bye.

I know it's really hard to tell a bunch of people that we're all doing the same thing. We all want to follow her mentality and if everyone else is hooking up with it, what am I going to be the one with the commitment or do something different? But yes, I love that Hunter knows her own body and knows what she's want. And she's listening to what she wants and not going along with everyone else.

And I invite everybody to take a look. If you wholeheartedly want to be dating and do hookup culture, there is zero judgment here. Hookup culture exists for a reason. And I understand that. When I went to college, it was much more restrictive. You couldn't do it. So now I like that there's options,

but what I'm hearing is we should all give people, go easy on them, and I hope that there's more dudes. If you are a woman now in college, or you're a guy in college, send this to your friends so they can hear that it's okay to do what you wanna do for you when you wanna do it, and don't be following the scripts of college and all those things just because you're sleeping with a lot of people doesn't

mean that it's really fun and really pleasurable that's what i got for you we have anna 25 in chicago oh hi anna hi nice to meet you nice to meet you too how How can I help? I called in because I hear you talking about and advertising all of these exciting loops and it's something that I want to integrate into my sex life but I have a very sensitive skin and a very sensitive vagina. I deal with chronic imbalances and my general rule of thumb is like if it smells like strawberries it probably shouldn't go down there. So I hear you advertising this stuff and advertising it as used for oral and I'm just like I need more information about that. Am I allowed to use it for oral? For who? For oral. Well it's a great question because the flavor lube that I talk about by System Joe is a lube that

actually is a really it's a body a lube that actually is a really, it's a body-safe lube that is made with ingredients that are okay to put with you and to put inside of you internally. And you could try the System Joe lube and spot check it and see if you have a reaction to it. You know, you could just try it for some oral and buy it to see like, oh, is anything happening and see if you have a reaction to it. But if you're super sensitive and you know you're sensitive I'd recommend Playground Lube which is water-based, has all those feel-good ingredients made, really the first lube that's actually been made for women's bodies and I love it. And so I think it's great that you know your body and I would check those out. Well thanks. Of course. There's so much

information about what kinds of lubes to use with toys and with condoms and not. So the coconut oil condom, is it okay? Is it like condom safe? Coconut oil is condom safe, but it's actually not safe for toys. So I would recommend that a water based lube. I would recommend the water based for your toys. And I would recommend the water-based for your toys. And I would recommend the coconut oil for everything else. There's also, you might want to try, although this isn't good for your toys, but silicone lube is another lube I recommend. It's one ingredient.

It's silicone. And so if your body can tolerate silicone, it's slippery, it lasts a lot longer, and you're not supposed to use it with silicone toys. Because silicone can break down silicone. But water-based is good for everything all around. And the flavored lubes are water-based. So we don't want you to have any sensitivities.

Although I feel good about their products. But why not just be safe? You know yourself. You know your body. Cool. Thank you. Oh my god, you're so welcome. It's a great question.

You know my dream is a lube on every nightstand. So I love answering a lube question. Fun. Well, it's nice to meet you. So nice to meet you too. Bye, Anna. Good to see you. Yeah, you guys.

I love a lube. I love lube. God, have I told you how much I love lube lately? And I love a lube question because it is confusing. There's so many lubes out there and all of our bodies are different. I wish there was a one lube fits all, one size fits all lube that's for everybody, but that doesn't exist yet. So I do feel good about coconut oil and what ingredients and like silicone,

but just remember to experiment. And sometimes our bodies change, sometimes certain times a month, things can affect us differently, but whatever you do, whatever kind you get, I'm just happy that you're all using lube because lube makes sex better. All sex with yourself, sex with a partner, sex with a toy, so be sure to use lube. Put on your nightstand right there, like me. Well, I have like six on my nightstand,

but you only need one. We have Doc26 in Massachusetts. Hi, Doc. Hello, Dr. Emily. Hi. Nice to meet you. And your opinion is thinking about other sexual partners or fantasizing about them cheating? I personally don't believe that it is because having, we all fantasize about it. If somebody has an active fantasy life, they typically do fantasize about past sexual partners.

It's really common. And so I do not think it's cheating. But everyone gets to decide what cheating is in their relationship, but someone can't tell you that you're not allowed to fantasize about something. Now, there's two kinds of fantasies. Remember this, Doc. There's the fantasies that we want to actually happen

in real life, that we want to share with a partner, like I think it'd be fun to enact this. And then there's fantasies that we just want to keep to ourselves. And they're all okay. There's no thought police. There's nobody that's coming in and saying, you're all okay. There's no thought police. There's nobody that's coming in and saying, you're wrong, doc.

Here's a ticket. You're going to jail for that terrible thought. So I think that it's totally healthy. And now if you are only fantasizing about your exes or former partners when you're with your current partner and your current partner isn't turning you on, that's a whole other conversation. It's not wrong to fantasize about a past partner in that case, but still, then you're getting more information. What is it about my current partner

that isn't turning me on? But I'm not sure if you're asking that. Well, in general, yeah, not necessarily partners specifically, but just thinking about other women sexually. I've had someone tell me that they consider that to be cheating, and the way I see it was, okay, I get that it may be cheating to you, but I feel like it may also come from a place of ignorance

Because it's like you can't control your thoughts and just to make someone feel bad because of what they think Can sometimes be abusive and in a twisted way. I think so too. So I think you're right. I totally think that this is a typical, and I hear this all the time actually, that people's partners get really offended by their partners fantasizing about someone else.

So the con to that is that it's very common. So I just wanted to normalize that too for listeners who are like, yeah, if my boyfriend's or my girlfriend's thinking about somebody else, then it's over and it's cheating. You shouldn't feel bad about it and they have a judgment around it, but I also think it does have to do with not having a lot of information and accurate information about sex education, understanding that fantasies are going to happen. You really can't control what you fantasize about, you know? And I think it's okay to think about whatever you want to think about. And I think that what we're to think about whatever you want to think about.

And I think that what we're hearing here is that you want to be with a partner who has, who's more open sexually, who understands, you know, that fantasies are a fantasy life and it's part of being sexually healthy overall. And I used to, you know, get offended in my 20s if my partner watched porn in my early 20s. I didn't understand it.

I was like, it's similar. I was like, you're watching porn? Like, does that mean you want me to look like her? But now I understand that it's part of being sexually healthy is that we all have our own things that turn us on. I love that you brought this up about the porn. It's always been a thing within almost all my relationships where I would ask them, what kind of porn do you watch? What kind of porn are you into? And I realized that most women tend to be very self-conscious about what porn they watch. I mean, they're very closed off when it comes to that. And I feel like it's huge.

It's one of those things that will, can, and most likely will bring you guys together. But it's a good opening into speaking about your fantasies and speaking about what you may prefer or love. It's true. I mean, we have to understand too that where women are coming from that there's so much shame and stigma around women being sexual because we're called sluts or we're called,

you know, prude. And there's all these ways that women just can't win. And so we are told if we express ourselves sexually, if we watch porn and we ask for what we want, then we're going to be shamed for that. I'm trying to change that. I think a lot of people who are interested in learning more about what actually is okay don't feel that way. But it has been for a long time a common-held belief that women, if they admit to watching

porn or they even watch porn, that there's something wrong with them, that they're going to be shamed and it's going to be a problem. It's ingrained so deeply. Women have been repressed in this way for so, so long, and I'm really hoping to change that conversation. So hopefully when you're with women like this, you can say, I want to tell you that if you do watch porn or you do fantasies, I think that's really hot, and I encourage you to do that.

And I think it's really sexy, and I'm not someone who's going to shame you for that. And I think that the more men we have that could sort of toe that line and be open about it to be more supportive of women, then that would be the world I want to live in. I don't know about you. Yeah, absolutely. But I think that's what you're coming up against. They just don't know. They just haven't been out there.

They haven't been listening to this podcast. They haven't. Their friends are the same way. So that's really it. Really. I've been sending it to everyone. I've literally been sending it to everyone because it's, we need to speak about this. We need to speak about sex.

But is it possible for a mentally healthy woman to be polyamorous or to be poly in general? Yeah. I think that polyamory could be for any kind of human. So the observation that I have personally made has been that I've encountered in my life. The observation that I have personally made has been that I've encountered in my life, most women that are open to polyamorous relationships or open relationships, they tend to be open to it because of some kind of issue that they have, psychologically speaking, that makes them not want to be with just one person because of some kind of blockage. As in it's not like it's their first desire to want something like multiple

people. It's more so of a defense mechanism is what I've seen happen a lot. I think that being in a polyamorous relationship takes practice. It takes sophistication. It takes really understanding who you are. Maybe you've been with one partner and you've been committed. You thought, you know what, I'd really like to go out and experiment with other people and not have a committed relationship right now because that's how my lifestyle is or I don't have time for it right now. But I haven't seen the trend, you know, it's kind of like saying, oh, everyone who's a

sex worker has been abused, right? So I just don't think that's true either. I just think that there are some women who might say that you've come across and say, oh, I'm just going to be polyamorous because I have commitment issues or I have intimacy issues and you know, maybe that's the case too. But people who genuinely want to be open or typically have experience in committed relationships and have found that it's just something that they'd like to open up and have healthy relationships with multiple people at once.

So yeah, I haven't, I don't think that. I think that there are some people who do it as a default too because they're like Oh, well, I'm just doing it for my partner I'm doing to seem cool or I'm just gonna do it but it really doesn't sit well with them. So all these yeah I got it It sounds like you're on a path here and you're learning and discovering and I think that you there's a lot to understand about Polly amary and open relationships, but I'd be wary of like casting judgment on a whole swath of women who want one thing That is just not

necessarily true. Everyone's going to come to polyamory or any kind of relationship from their own upbringing, their own place, their own life experiences. So yeah, just keep having these conversations. Turn more women onto this podcast. Thank you for calling. Have a great night. You as well. Bye bye. Bye. Let's talk about open relationships for a minute. There's a lot of young people now saying that they want to be open. People who have never actually been

in a committed relationship. And there's zero judgment on that. It just, it takes a lot of skills. Remember I was talking about those relationship skills, which is something that we are not taught anywhere. We're not taught in school. We're not taught through our partners. We have to learn how to be excellent communicators.

We have to learn how to trust, how to be honest, how to communicate our needs, how to express jealousy, how to transcend jealousy. The couples I know that are in healthy, open relationships practice this rigorous honesty that is really beyond, that is not something that is for the faint of heart. And it's with a partner that can actually hear you and you adapt and you adjust and people who are open have rules and they have boundaries and they continually talk about them and they update them and they process and they over process. It's not just a matter of saying I want to have sexual partners and I want to be with

you but oh I won't be home Friday because I met a hot person at the bar and I won't be home. It's not reckless. It's actually thoughtful and heartfelt and caring. And it comes from a loving place, not a, I'm just going to go sleep with people and I'm going to get jealous and this is going to be just another way for me to get my needs met and not really care about your partner. But people I do know who engage in it in a healthy way, continue to grow together and it can work out. So it's not some some crazy notion but you have to have a certain skill set in place. Okay we'll be right

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In a survey form, of course. I'm conducting a survey that's all about you and your thoughts on sex with Emily. Why? Because your opinions are the secret sauce to our success. And I'm all about growth, both in and out of the bedroom. And I'm always looking to expand the SWE brand and your insights are the VIP pass to making that journey even more thrilling.

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We have Addie 25 in Philadelphia. Hi Addie. Hi, how are you? I'm good. How are you? Great. Thank you so much for meeting with me. Of course. How can I help you? I listened to your podcast on love languages and it got me thinking. So I'd say my love languages are definitely quality time and physical touch and my boyfriend's just so different than me, which is fine, but I guess I'm having a little bit of trouble. So I've been

trying to ask him or talk to him about what helps me feel more loved and I have had minimal results so far. I'll tell him what he could maybe do to make me feel more loved, but then I'll actually ask him to what can I do. And so far he says nothing. You're doing everything perfectly and you don't need to change, which makes me feel terrible for asking a bunch from him. So I guess I want to know how I can approach it where I'm not making him just feel bad about everything. Okay well it sounds to me like you're both feeling bad. I guess so. You feel bad and he feels bad but I just want to normalize this for you, Addy, that relationship skills is not something that we are born with. We have to learn them.

We have to learn them in every relationship. And I want to normalize that whenever we talk to our partners about changes that we want to see in our relationships or our sex life, we're gonna be met with some pushback because it comes from this fear of being a bad person, of disappointing a partner, the fact that we've never heard anybody else talk about sex so when someone does a relationship stuff or make a request that we're like, oh God,

my biggest fear just came true. I'm a bad lover. I'm a bad partner. It's important to emphasize that because, and for everybody listening, that it's okay. This is what happens. And so now, I think it would make sense that his first reaction, and you know, we're all different. You're not saying that you're not happy, you just know a little bit more about relationships

are constantly improving. There's no such thing as a relationship that isn't always evolving and growing. And when they stagnate, that's when they become less interesting and problems of what we're evolving every day as humans. I think he probably doesn't even have language about it. In his mind, he probably doesn't have anything to say.

Like he really has never thought about it. He's like, this is great. I love you. We're living together. First off, did he take the love language quiz? Do we know what his are? Yes, and I actually did have him take it. He's acts of service, which I do see that all the time. He's always doing things for me

It's just not the best way for me to receive it, but I do see it's there. You know, are you giving him acts of service? Yeah, I'm trying to at first I'd say I was giving love in the same way I wanted it to be received, but he wasn't receiving it Well, so I tried to dial back and give it more like he would want it. Okay, so you're really trying and he's just not getting that. Have you given him examples of what it looks like for you to get your love languages met?

Like maybe you could tell me, what would feel good to you? Like let's practice. What are the examples? How do you think you'd feel more love from him? So I would just feel the most love just first by physical touch, just random hugs throughout the day, random kisses, everything like that, holding hands, and then just getting to hear that I am loved. Just because, I don't know, I know it's there, but I need to hear it.

To hear that I'm loved and appreciated. Okay, and so maybe you could just let him know that that this is nothing that you're doing wrong per se. This is something that I'm learning about myself. And this is something that would make me feel more connected to you. And just breaking down the concept of the love languages that we give, what we wanna receive, you know, all day long he could be changing your tires

and filling your car with gas and helping you with bills or anything around the house. And it's an act of service. But again, for you, it just doesn't fill you up in that way. So really we're just talking about education. Yeah, I've been told. He just might not be ready and open to it. He might just think it's too painful for me.

I feel like I'm a bad person and feedback makes me feel horrible. Maybe growing up, if he ever got feedback from his parents, it made him feel really bad. Maybe they were hard on him, I'm just guessing. So he doesn't have any experience with personal growth and self-growth. He did share that. Because I shared what exactly I wanted from him. And he said, just when there's too many things that I'm asking of him, it just makes him feel like he's inadequate, like a bad boyfriend, which kind of makes him shut down.

Okay. So you could say, I just want to reinforce, tell him all the things you love about him. So you could say, the reason why I'm having these conversations with you and why I think it's important is because I think you're an amazing boyfriend and here's the ways that we could even grow stronger. We have to keep growing together. You know, again, I just want to normalize that relationships are about growth. But in relationships, we're so protected

because it's so vulnerable. It speaks to this part of ourself that we feel we're not lovable, we're not enough, and that you're going to just leave him, and he's a bad person. And he probably goes to that I'm a bad person in a lot of other areas of his life, because usually how we do one thing is how we do everything.

And so it's just a matter of seeing if he can meet you there right now, he's just not there yet. And some people are never there. What you want is valid. You're not doing anything wrong. Thank you. I really appreciate the advice. Of course, I hope that helps, Addie.

Thank you so much. I love your show. Of course, Addie. Thank you so much. It's so good to see you and let me know how it goes, okay? I'll be here for you. Okay, well, bye. Bye.

Sometimes we're not at the same place as our partner. I would like to say something in your 20s, but believe me, there's people in their 30s and 40s who just, everything's fine. I don't want to really upset the status quo. I can't take feedback. It makes you defensive or it makes somebody just feel wronged in a deeply, woundful place that they just won't be able

to meet you where you're at. And nobody's wrong in these situations. It just means that it's a lesson for you. It's giving you more information. I like to say that all of these roadblocks we hit with a partner are giving you more information that we continue to gather. And at some point you get to say, all right, this is actually

something that's important to me and if I'm with a partner that doesn't have a growth mindset around relationship skills, around sex, now I'm learning that this just it might be a deal-breaker for me and this is going to be a requirement in my next partner because it's just like everything. It's like people in recovery, like you can't get someone to stop drinking, you can't get someone to start working out, and you can't get someone to want to talk

and emotionally evolve. So check in with yourself right now. What kind of relationship skills are important to you, and what kind of traits are you looking for in a partner, and do you have that now? And if you don't, time to evaluate that and make some choices for your future. We're going to talk to Catherine, who's 33 years old.

Hey, Catherine. Hi, Dr. Emily. Hi, how are you? So good to talk to you. Oh my God. It's so good to talk to you. Huge fan. I've been listening to you for over a year and you've helped me so much.

So I have a five-year-old daughter, I'm 33 years old, and I want to raise her in a positive, I want to have good positive sex education with her, you know? I want her to talk about, I want to talk about everything and let her know that it's okay, because I was raised that masturbation was gross, having sex with more than one person made you a whore, and of course sex before marriage, all that, you know. I never believed in that, but it was always there. And I don't want her to be raised that way, so I don't know how to talk to her about all

that, because I was never talked about it either. So there's that, but it's also like the confidence-wise, like how do I talk to her about being confident in her, in herself if I'm not even confident either with, I have very low self esteem too, you know, I wear a wig and that was just recent. I started wearing a wig and nobody knows and now it's hard to like even get intimate with anybody because the whole time I'm afraid I'm like, oh my god Do they see that it's a wig is it gonna come off? I had somebody who tried to pull it and I was like Let me say this it's a great question and let me just say this that body confidence and self-confidence is a journey It is not a destination is a lifelong process of learning to be confident

You don't just get there one day and say, I'm fully confident, I never have insecurities. I would just love to change that perception within everyone's mind. So you can still teach your daughter how to have boundaries, how to have consent, how to name her parts. The more information you give her about first off, naming her body parts, telling her vulva, her clitoris, like teaching her what everything is. If you see her touching herself, you say, doesn't that feel good? It does feel good. Remember, you're the only person that's allowed to touch you and it's best to do it in your room and we know if she's touching herself, it's a safe way.

You know, you have to say like at the drug store, you'd be like, okay, let's do that when we get home and not, you know, trying to keep body positive messages around the house and encouraging her for, you know, things beyond her looks and, you know, having her not value just those kind of things. I think that was in our culture was like seeing pictures of magazines and aspiring all, you know, I have a friend who had a young kid that she tried to keep magazines out of her house. Like she tried to keep like beauty magazines and beauty magazines, so the daughter wouldn't get that message, but eventually kids grow up and you can't protect them from the world.

But you can continue to tell her, I think the more honest you are about how you've had to learn confidence, and I think that seeing it modeled by you is a really important thing. I have negative self-talk. That's one of my challenges, right? I'll be like, oh, I'm such an idiot. And I do that and then I notice that I do it. And so I might say, oh, God, why am I doing that?

And then if you do that, you could say, see, mommy does that sometimes too, but I love myself. That's a habit that I do. And I really do. Today, I was a really good, I got up, I went to work, I volunteered. And you know what I'm saying? I was a really good, I got up, I went to work, I volunteered. And you know what I'm saying? Showing her the ways that you do love yourself

will be such a great learning for you and for your daughter at the same time. And even the fact that you're asking this question, that you have a consciousness around it, means that it's going to happen. So many people don't even think like this. They don't even have the intent. I mean, if that happens, if you, if in front of her,

you are not feeling the most confident one day. And I think that sharing that with her and just continuing to, you know, encourage her to make good choices about her body, to make good choices about friends, explaining to her what it means like to be in a toxic relationship or toxic friendships, you know, just teaching her those relationship

and life skills that we are, none of us were taught. Yeah. Okay. Is that helpful? It is. And thankfully I do that, you know, once in a while I will tell her all of that, but she knows I'm extremely self-confident, like with my hair, because I used to have the most like full hair and then I have nothing now and I have to wear a wig.

And so she knows that. She knows I'm not taking a picture of you mom I'm over here you know and I'll see that's sending you know showing a message her that you don't feel beautiful when your hair isn't oh when I don't have it on yeah okay so that's but listen you know I think that's really hard because you it's a new it's new for you now to have to adapt to this part of yourself. And that's not easy. Our hair is our, it's our feminine, you know, men lose their hair fine, but they still have other,

they're women, we don't have hair. I understand that, but you look beautiful. You have great energy, great spirit. And I think that if you could maybe try to speak more positively about yourself and like, mom looks good today, doesn't she? And just, well, like I'd never heard my mom talk about aging. Here's an example.

I just spent time with her. My mom's 79 and I never heard her say, I feel old or I feel like my bones hurt or I gotta slow down. And as a result of that, like I never think about age and she really does, it still doesn't. And I think that we do model things in certain ways. If you are somebody who constantly you see her saying like, you know, yesterday was a hard day, but I'm really liking how I look. Like let model things in certain ways. If you are somebody who constantly see her saying like, you know, yesterday was a hard day, but I'm really liking how I look.

Like, let's take pictures of me. You can even say, yeah, not with the wig off. I wasn't feeling you, but now let's take pictures of me, you know, and just being real and trying to, you know, they say that in the best relationships. And I would have to say this extends into life, that it's a five to one ratio, five positive experiences to one negative.

So maybe that one experience wasn't so great with you with the wig and maybe that's, I'm just using that as an example. Maybe you could try to pay attention this week to times where you can show her where you are being in your confident place or feeling more empowered or feeling more self-assured, you know, and just teach her those lessons in real time. Okay, I'll definitely do that. Thank you, Dr. Emily. Of course.

Okay, so I have a friend with benefits. He likes to have rough sex and I love it too, you know? And before I tell him, yeah, go ahead and pull my hair. You know, it's great. This time he tried to and I was like, don't do that. Never told him, you know, he doesn't know. And so I'd be like, don't pull my hair. And all of a sudden he was just like, why?

Like what happened? You know, cause before it was fine. And now I'm just like, no, don't totally. Like not even address the question. I was just like, here, let me just give you a blow job or something, you know? And then another time was like, I didn't want him to be on top of me. Cause I'm like, Oh my God, my hair's pulled back. He's going to see, you know, that outline. I need to just getting on top of me because I'm like, oh my God, my hair's pulled back. He's going to see the outline.

I need him just getting on top so he doesn't see. How do I tell him, like, hey, this is why you can't pull my hair anymore, even though I looked it? Oh my God, I think you just got to be honest with him and just say, hey, I had some hair falling out. I had hair falling. You could also just say I had hair falling. My hair is really sensitive right now

because I had hair falling out, but I think you should be honest and say, right now I'm wearing a wig because my hair fell out and we just can't pull it right now. But you can slap my ass, talk dirty to me, choke, whatever you're into. But I think, gosh, you know, the more we're really honest about the things that embarrass us the most, we have the most shame for,

we are able to easily, we can turn it around and once we realize that it's not so shameful and we shed light on our darkness, you're going to feel more connected, you're going to feel more loved, it's going to give you more confidence when you can really be honest and open with all your friends and lovers and your daughter. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Thank you. I would be honest. All right. Of course. It's so nice to meet you. Thank you, Dr. Emily. I really appreciate it so much. Bye, Katherine. Confidence. You guys listen and remember it is really something that we work on throughout our lifetime. If somebody tells you that they're confident all the time,

I don't know. I don't believe that. I don't know how that's possible. We all have things that are going to sort of make us feel more doubt or dent our ego a bit or days that we feel less so. And so I just think that it's a really good example to try to be as open and honest with our kids as we can. And I think the more we normalize the struggle of being a human, like normalize the human condition to our kids, like I'm having a rough day and here's what happened, but tomorrow I want to try to be a better person. I'm going to try to make better choices. I want to try to say better things. We all need that sort of balance in our life,

and we all need someone to give you accountability, somebody that you're going to, someone in your home or a friend of yours to make sure that you're staying on your own path. And the more that we educate yourself, and also the more honest we are with ourselves and others, the more confidence we're going to have, and the more honest we are with ourselves and others, the more confidence we're gonna have. Confidence comes from deep insecurities

that we are, you know, imposter syndrome or that we're not really living up to who we are. But I think the more that we are honest about our struggles and share our vulnerabilities, like things about us that we feel shameful about, like we lost our hair, or there's so many things that we worry about. But I promise you that sharing our

secrets, we're only as sick as our secrets. And the more that we are able to open up to people that we care about and see that they actually accept us and even love us and respect us more, will allow us to see that, oh, these things that I'm holding onto in shame really don't really blossom in the light. So again, the people who do judge you for those things are not your people. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily

and be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or a partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter or X and Facebook, all at Sex With Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good emails, so sign up at SexWithEmily.com, and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you want to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline,

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