Sex With Emily - Getting (A)head: Orgasms, Oral & Opening Up

Episode Date: September 18, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is taking calls and answering emails – all in the name of helping you have better sex and relationships. She discusses whether we’re in the golden age for long distance relationships tech-wise, how mindful sex can make you so much happier in bed, and what to do when you want to give head, but your partner isn’t keen on receiving (yes, it does happen). Plus, some ways to let your partner down nicely when there’s too much affection. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Foria, Apex, Fleshlight Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks, visit: sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily on Today's show. I'm taking your calls, answering your emails, I'm doing all the things I love to do with you. Okay, topics on Today's show, long-distance relationships, is technology helping? How mindful sex can make you so much happier and bad. What to do when you want to give head, but your partner isn't keen on receiving? Yes, some people aren't in the world sex, guys. It happens. And when affection is over the top, how do you let your partner down nicely? All this and more, thanks for listening. You're the best situations. Betrubized, they call them in a bike on day. Hey, Abelie, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. Hey, girls, gotta have a stand. Oh, my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, all right? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me? Oh, my God, I'm on for you. I'm so, so, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good. But, you know, Abelie's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between for more information,

go to sexwithemely.com. Check out our website. There's so much more on there that can help you with better sex. You've got blogs, you've got things, you can subscribe to our podcast. It's really easy. Subscribe to the podcast anywhere now you guys. There's so many places to listen, Spotify, Google Play, I Heart Radio, SoundCloud, all these places.

And when you leave comments and reviews and iTunes or anywhere you listen, super helpful. So more people can find the show and more people can have better sex just like you. And you can also follow me at Sex with Emily across the board on all social. It is a good time on Instagram, Twitter, all that stuff Facebook. Okay guys, here's a little bit of sex in the news and then we're going to get into your calls and your emails. I love this because

this article slash study is kind of what I've talked to you guys about for a long time but it gives some more specific ways to be more mindful, mindful sex could have put an end to unhappiness in bed. You know I think being mindful in all areas of your life are important and can help us, you know, get through anxiety, get through stress at work, get through a lot of situations. You know, a lot of us feel disconnected during sex, particularly. Like we just, we don't really know what's happening in our bodies we're too much in our heads and so a lot of times because we're so disconnected that's when we see a lot of sexual challenges erectile problems vaginal pain low libido and then that hampers you know our quality of life our relationships and

many cases it really impacts our ability to have really connected amazing sex here's what all the mindfulness craze is about. It's really about just being present, being in the moment, making sure your thoughts are not in the past. You're not worrying about like, oh God, did I not send that email back to my boss and you're not thinking about the future, like what am I gonna do about, you know,

tomorrow's meeting or what time I'm gonna go to the dry cleaner, whatever you're thinking about. Mindfulness literally means being mindful to the present moment and paying attention and observing what is happening. Because what you realize is when you're in the present moment, and this is a practice, they call the mindfulness practice because nobody does it once and gets it, is a lifelong practice, is because when you are truly in the present moment, like right now, okay, I'm hearing my sound into the ears right now, that's I'm listening to, I'm actually listening to my sound.

That's what I hear, but the head one's on. Tasting, I'm not really tasting anything, maybe I'm getting hungry, what am I tasting? Oh, I had those supplements earlier, okay, that's not a fun taste. I'm touching my hands or right now on this table in front of me. What else, smell? I can't really smell anything right now. Okay, my nose is stuffed up. I'm trying to think, on this table and front of me, what else, smell.

I can't really smell anything right now. Okay, my nose is stuffed up. I'm trying to think, we should lay more candles in here. It's reminding me, but like I'm just, it's probably stuffy. I'm smelling like a stuffy room. Okay, right now you guys, in this moment, I am present with you. So I always say to you guys, during sex,

when your mind's wandering, it's a practice to go back to and think about, what am I seeing smelling, hearing, tasting. So this is more comprehensive talk about it that how they came up with this mindful sex treatment is that they realize that mindfulness helps people with sexual trauma, anxiety. People have a lot of worries about their jobs, about money,

and that's just why we're not in the mood for sex. And so I think that people are always like, we're using tablets and smartphones, and all these things are on a bedroom, answering emails, we're doing all these things in our bedroom that should only be left for having sex and for sleeping. So when that happens and we're using tablets and smartphones and all these things are out of bedroom answering emails. We're doing all these things in our bedroom that should only be left for having sex and for sleeping. So when that happens and we're stressed that takes us told it out of the moment. You're not really present, I think, when you're when you have all the stuff that's distracting in

the moment in the bedroom, it's a complete distraction from being connected to our partner. And so I think it's no surprise that we have sexual problems and a lot of our sexual challenges, the good news is it's anxiety related. A lot of times it's not physical ailments, it's preventing us from having sex even though the beato, even erectile challenges, it's because we're thinking about God I never have orgasms or God my penis never stays hard when I wanted to, we're thinking about it. If you're having that thought, especially while you're having sex, you are not present. Those words in your head that thing that you're thinking is you, you're in charge of that. So when you go back to what you're having sex, you are not present. Those words in your head that thing that you're thinking is you.

You're in charge of that. So when you go back to what you're thinking in the moment, it will keep you present. And you guys, this isn't really anything new, although I think people are kind of picking up on it now, but even masters and Johnson, you guys who are like the leaders in studying sex in the late 50s, they had a technique called Censate Focus, which I actually studied in my sex school. And that's when you explore physical sensations, rather focusing on the goal of orgasm. That's a Censate Focus.

I think when we, if you have any goal during sex and you're thinking about it, you're not present. You're not thinking about the emotion, the things happening in your body at the time. So a mindful approach can, for example, if a guy's got a direction challenge and he's stressed by, at least his mind during sex, am I going to get a reaction? Am I going to come too quickly? If you have low desire, it just helps to learn to like practice being mindful and they also use this teaching sexual abuse survivors to mildly pay attention to the present moment.

Mindfulness techniques have been used for people who are suffering from trauma, who have head suicidal tendencies. We are so disconnected from our bodies and a lot of women in particular, I hear this all the time, men are a little bit better. I got to be honest, men are a little bit better of knowing what's going on with their bodies. But I see women who report low desire, lack of response, low arousal that it's really hard for them to kind of be in their bodies.

They're not really sure what's happening. Even if they're turned on, like they've women who've been studied in labs and you are actually turned on right now and they don't know it. The other thing about women is who report low desire, lack of response, low arousal, they have to learn to be present

because what they're showing is that there's a really non-judgmental part. Like when you're in the moment being present, you're not judging anything, but a lot of women, they have difficulties based on like very negative or catastrophic thoughts. So, if I don't respond sexually, I'm part of it's going to leave me or I'm not having orgasms like, what's wrong with me? I'm broken.

So mindfulness is about when you're being mindful, you're paying attention without judgment. And the sudden, you know, it's about learning to have compassion for yourself, learning to like, love your body. If you find yourself, you keep going back to like, is he looking at my thighs? Is he realizing that I, you know, one boob is bigger than the other boob? If you're worried about your penis size, like any thoughts you're having about sex that aren't about, you know, oh my god, I'm really like this sex is amazing is probably taking you out of the moment.

So I'm just saying practicing this, learning it, figure out like there's little things you could do too. Like I always say when you're having sex to practice, all engaging all the senses, if you just can't stop that loop of negative thoughts or catastrophic thoughts, just think wow, my partner's skin feels so great under my hands right now.

And I'm smelling my favorite vanilla candle. And you know, the sheets were really nice against my skin. And I'm so glad we're playing this playlist because then again, you're not caught in that loop of the past and the future. And the longer that you practice it, it is great. So if you don't want to do it during sex, do it in the shower. Like I think a shower is a great place to also, you know, every time you shower or even if it's twice a week, you guys, because I know whenever I tell myself I'm going to do something every time I brush my teeth, I'm going to do my caggles, it doesn't work.

But in the shower, even next, if you do this once, think about it, how does the water feel on you? How does it feel like this soap? What does it smell like? Do you love the scent of your shampoo and you're just in the moment? And I do that because then I'll get in the shower and I'm stressed about something and very calming for me. And I never really connected that, but when you're in the shower, your senses are all being stimulated. So that's a great time to practice it. If you've never done this kind of practice, we all take showers. I know you're gonna probably have a shower today

or tomorrow. So just practice being mindful in the shower. And then you can take it into your sex life. And I'm not saying you gotta change everything you're doing, even if you remember once, the next time you're having sex to be mindful, that is great. That's a great progress. So, and time you're having sex to be mindful, that's a great

progress. So, and I'm going to have to be spiritual, you don't have to buy some incense and go all, woo-woo, I'm just saying this is going to help you probably have better sex and kind of take away a lot of those challenges you might be experiencing. Because that's what I'm all about, you guys. I want you to have mindful, amazing, satisfying sex. That's what I want. If you're in a long distance relationship,

I thought this was interesting. Has tech ushered in a golden age of long distance dating? Because when you think about it, long distance relationships, and I'm not saying, here's my caveat. I still think if you're in a long distance relationship, it's good to have a plan for when you're going to be living in the same city. So long-time relationships that go on and on and on and on, I want her to move here and she won't and she said she's going to move here.

I think it's good to have an endpoint when you're going to be in the same place. But it says that since you know all the technology now, there's so much we can do. It used to just be we could a phone call or we could write a letter. But now we can text, we can email, we can FaceTime. You can send your partner something in Amazon Prime that arrives the very next day. You can watch movies at the same time on like you'd be sitting on FaceTime and you can both like start a movie at the same time and watch it. So it's like you're together. So is it the golden age of long distance dating? I don't know. Maybe it's a better time to incorporate

all the stuff into your relationship. I think also since there's so many different ways to communicate now and talking or even face time, when I face time with people, I feel like not even boyfriend, but face time has been great because you're really like your right like my nieces. I feel like I've seen them because I'm talking to them. Just more intimacy. The act of talking or looking to each other's eyes, even if you're long distance, it really enhances intimacy. And you know, you can have more satisfaction,

you can be more intimate and talk about things and maybe you wouldn't talk about it if you saw each other every single day. The other thing is you guys, you know I'm a huge fan of sex toys. We vibe makes this app called We Connect. I don't know if I've talked about this lately, but it's so cool.

I mean, I just use this with my partner. We've been using it again, because I just like, I started to be like, wow, this is so cool. But when you're long distance, the WeConnect app works on a lot of the WeviV toys and it has an app, WeConnect is an app that you can use within it where you can actually launch it,

it's kind of like FaceTime, so you could be looking at each other. You could have a toy on you and your partner could be controlling it from anywhere in the world. And if you're both on Wi-Fi, you can connect it. So just really hot. And I'm actually really into it for just controlling my toy.

I don't even want to use a button anymore. I only want to use this app because it's really, really cool. But the fact that you could basically have sex, they could be wearing like the pivot, cock ring, and you could be wearing the bloom inside of you, and they are looking at it and controlling it. The point is, if you're in a long distance relationship, I guess there's a lot of different ways now. Technology is on your side.

They can help you. You guys are not saying you have to be into long distance relationships. I used to like them because I was like, God, I'm so busy. I don't really want to be with anyone all the time. But you know, I think we go through different stages in our life. But if you are in a long distance relationship, apparently it's the golden age of it and there's a lot of different ways to connect and still feel like you are with your partner even when you are not. Okay guys, now we're going to get into your calls and emails, but first a quick shout out to our sponsors. Thanks for supporting them and we'll be right back.

Okay guys, I love answering your questions and if you want a question answered on the show, you can text Ask Emily all one word to 7979, 7979, fill out the short form, put a yes or you'd like to be called. And we also love our call shows, they're so fun, so if you want to be called, that's great, you can even use a fake name, we don't care, we just want to help you. You can also go to sexofmwe.com, on Ask Emily tab, and as always, no matter how you ask me, include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Thanks. We have Myrush, she's 24 from Mississippi, and she wants to orgasm, but feels weird about

masturbating. Hey Myrush, how are you? I'm good, how are you Emily? I'm so good. Okay, tell me about this masturbation, what how are you Emily? I'm so good. Okay, tell me about this masturbation, what's going on with your feelings and your history. Tell me a little bit. I have a pretty long history and a sexual abuse, and so I think maybe that contributes to the fact that masturbation to me just feels not specifically wrong.

Like, I don't have a problem with it. I just think it's a little weird when I do it. I get it. Yeah. Okay. Because of trauma. Because you had sexual trauma. As a... Right, child. Okay. Got it. So have you ever had an orgasm? No, never. Okay. Okay. Well, I think before so have you had been treated for the trauma? Have you gone to therapy? Have you talked to anyone about it? When I was a little younger, I did. Probably about six or so years ago I did. Though I found out early on that my therapist really wasn't for me.

And that happens. Life caught up to me after that and I just never got a chance to get back to it. Okay, so did you just go a few times? I think I did it for about three months or so going every once in a while, yeah. Got it, okay. Because that's a thing with therapy.

It seems like a hassle, but when you get into it and you find someone you like, I always tell people when they go to therapy, it's like, go to three people or go to two. And cause you always get something out of it, cause then they make you, they make you pay, it's not like you get the first time free. But you always get something out of therapy, right?

Like if you just went to the, trying out gyms and you work out, you're still gonna get a workout, you're still gonna get therapy. So I would say it's really important to get into some good treatment because that could just be a part of this, right? It just, and it changes when you went six years ago.

You know, I'm saying like our life changes and it's just good. Like getting therapy in my 20s and going every day, you know, every week for like a year, you know, you miss some weeks, but it was like the best thing I ever did. So I'm just going to say with trauma that is really hard to get past this stuff. So that's just one thing. And I'm, you know, to put that to let you know that it is important to find someone that you feel comfortable with. So as far as is masturbating, so it just feels weird to you.

Like it just doesn't feel anything. You don't feel anything kind of like scratching your own back doesn't feel good. Like is that it doesn't feel good or is it? I get it. But it's in your head. Right. You're like, what? I just want someone else to touch me.

Is there anything when you're saying that you're trying to masturbate? Like, is it more like it doesn't feel anything or in your head are you thinking like this is weird or why am I doing this? Can you kind of think about what happens? I would say it's definitely more so that I don't feel much of anything towards it. Like you said when it's just me, it's kind of like not that it's weird or anything, it's just, it doesn't, it doesn't feel correct. I'm not sure. I feel like somebody else should be doing it. Right. Because that also sounds like that might have been like your experience, your primary

experience with sex and sexual touch. So that's why I'm thinking like to kind of relearn this stuff. Now, do you, you're in a relationship? Right. yeah. Okay. And your partner knows that you have an orgasm. Is that true? Or if you, Right.

Okay. I'm really off for your masturbation on your own, but it's not such a bad thing for you guys to do some mutual masturbation, or what if he's next to you and he's masturbating and like, you're masturbating as well. Because the thing about it is when we just go and cold to masturbation,

like literally literally without thinking about sex or you're not watching porn or you're not thinking anything sexy or you don't have fantasies, I don't know what your mind's doing, but when we think we should start touching ourselves and we're not ready for sex, it doesn't feel that great. But once you start to get into that mindset,

that might help you. So if you're a partner's there and you guys are like making out and there's some foreplay and then you kind of do some kind of mutual masturbation or he can help you as well and maybe once you have that or what you get there maybe you need like a partner in this and you can kind of help you with it. Sounds like he's game, right? So yeah.

Okay. If you tried Toys, just a couple, not many. I've tried a couple of vibrators and as well as a couple of dildos and such like that. I would start with the literal vibrators. I wouldn't do the dildos yet. I wouldn't stick anything inside you yet. I would, because the magic about masturbation, it all happened to your clitoris. There was like 8,000 nerve endings there. But direct touching it, like the little nub doesn't feel good. Like it doesn't, like just to touch it without lub without Lube and without warm up and prep well the first thing I really would love for you is to just on your own like even if you do it like 15 minutes a night before you go to bed or in the morning when you wake up and you get used to touching yourself again without the goal of orgasm

Because it might take you a while like I had a friend in college and she was going away in an interdiction She was like 20. She's like I'm gonna figure this out and she went away and like every night she masturbated for like 30 days and she finally had one like the fourth week. So I'm saying is that there's a lot of time it can take a while. It can take some time to get to know your body. It can take you months. It might take you two weeks of trying, but you're going to get there. So getting past it like I don't feel anything and just saying like, I'm going to try gonna try this I'm gonna try a different kinds of touch. I'm gonna use lube I want to warm myself up by like thinking sexy thoughts or reading a rottica or just like putting your hands over your body And just really paying attention to getting out of your head and seeing like how does it feel when I touch my arm or what

Nerv endings are tingling and and just kind of like get into your body more and breathing a lot and just staying in the moment Kind of making yourself stay there with it because you can get past this. Like, like I said, therapy is important, but there's a certain experiential, like, like masturbation is just, it is a learned thing. Like, you have to meet some people, young girls, I wasn't like to see there. I didn't just start masturbating when I was like eight years old or riding a bike and I know orgasm that happens to women. I had to like learn it like 22, 23 when I started masturbating.

So I had never done it either and I didn't think it was so great, but I had to kind of stick with it and I got a toy and I just had to be patient. Because you're young and there's different, new, fun experiences that you're gonna start feeling yourself and think, oh, that's what I'm gonna do. That's what it feels like to be touched here.

So I think a combination of on your own and bringing your partner into it without the goal like you're not broken, there's nothing wrong with you and going slow and knowing that it could take a little bit of time, but that's part of the fun of exploring. So I would just like slow down and kind of sit there through the weird feelings. Right. Well that's definitely something that I agree that I should probably try more often is oftentimes I'll try and I'll try and then I'm like well and then I get frustrated and then I'll

stop for a while and then I'll go back to trying and then I think my thing mainly is just like you said if I were to go out and get help, that would also help as well, but also being more open about it. Yeah, because there's nothing wrong with it. In fact, I tell women all the time, like, I, I, I, 20 times a day, I talk to women, I'm like, you know, her friends or everyone, but if we masturbation is the most important part of having a healthy sex life, especially for women, like we require it, we need it, like it, it fuels everything else, like it's. It helps with depression, helps our moods clear up our skin and it helps us understand

our bodies. When you're just starting out, it's going to take a little time. It's going to the time in the gym, going to the gym being like, oh, these weights are too heavy, I'm leaving and never going back, right? You've got to build it up. You've got to build up that, the tools, your toolkit, your sexual toolkit. So yes, stick with it. Set a timer, read one chapter in a book that turns you on.

Try to put something in place so you can try it out. Try to do it every day or five days a week for the next few weeks and then see where you got. Because you will make progress. You won't keep feeling nothing. So we're going to try to get you from feeling nothing to feeling something and just know that's our only goal, not orgasm, just feeling something in your body and waking it up again. Because the other thing that happens at trauma is that we can shut down emotions tied to

touch too. You just might have shut down a lot of things so touch to your body might not feel great right now because it's a learned response. So the more you can breathe through things and bring in loving touch and acceptance and loving yourself will help you open up. So it just takes a little practice. That sounds a lot better coming from someone else than as doing research and hearing things here and there about that kind of situation.

But that definitely makes a lot of sense. Yeah, no, I mean it. I know. I'm a doctor. I've got a lot of research down. I'm telling you, listening to your whole story, I think that's what you need because there's nothing wrong with you at all. Just means that you're not there yet and that's fine.

You know it hasn't gotten there yet, but this is part of the fun experience because you will get there. Right. Okay. So tonight, we'll take you. You're so welcome. You're so welcome. You deserve it. You know, it's part of your self-care and it'll change everything else in your life. Oh, well, let's try and hope for that. Right? It'll have an impact. Yeah. Mara, thank you so much for calling. Have a great night.

All right. Thank you. Thanks. Bye. Yeah, you guys. I can't say enough. I cannot talk about masturbation enough because really it is just we got to get over the shame I know it can take some time But without the glove orgasm we are blessed with this clitoris you guys 8,000 nerve endings the only reason it exists is for our pleasure That's it that's the only reason so you know it might take a little time to get to the treasures beneath it But let your fingers do the walk in do a toy use your partners fingers Whatever you got to do to put that time in to self-love and self-discovery. Eventually, no explosive orgasms.

We have Nicole. She's 26 from Miami and the honeymoon phase is over. Sex is bad and she's debating on leaving the relationship. I'm glad you called. Hey Nicole. Hi, Emily. Thank you so much for taking my call. Of course. Tell me what's going on. Okay, so to give you some context, I'm 26. My boyfriend is 29. We've known each other for about six years, have dated for three, and we're together for about a year and a half. Okay. In the beginning, the fact is good. There was chemistry, passion, I, you know, orgasm during sex. It was even fun. The first couple of months, we moved in together.

But about a couple of months ago, I just, I don't know what happened. We started having less and less sex. I was at orgasming. He would definitely try to please me before and after, you know, with oral or with his finger. I was told him that I had trouble orgasming during sex, and I think maybe it's because he just would come too quickly. You know, it would be in and out, and that was it, and it just made me really disappointed

and it would make me unattractive to him all of a sudden. So he knows the struggles that I've been dealing with and he even bought a vibrator and I can tell he's definitely attracted to me and he wants to make out with me but I don't want to do any of these. Okay, here's my question for you. You said a few things changed a few months ago. What happened a few months ago? Did you like some lose their job or was there something stressful that happened? A death in the family did something happen because in a fight. Well, he was still in school up until about May. And he was going through finals. There was tests he had to take.

And we just weren't together a lot of the time. And we wouldn't have sex a lot of the time. There was just no even emotional connection. We would just be roommates, basically. Right. That happens. OK. So it kind of sounds like it switched. So maybe you guys got to rekindle that intimacy than like emotional connection, like we would just be roommates, basically. Right, that happens. Yeah. Okay, so it kind of sounds like it switched.

So maybe you guys got to rekindle that intimacy and like take the sex off the table. Like the fact that you guys have great chemistry, even though you don't feel it now, I know that feeling. Like I know that feeling when you're like, how did I ever like this person? Cause everything they do is annoying to me. It switches on a dime.

But I'm gonna tell you that this is a natural ebb and flow of a relationship. They call it the honeymoon phase because everyone goes through it and then it ends. It's a phase. And then you get to the part of the real relationship where you're living together. And there's other things that come before your sex life, like school or work or you know, so I feel like you guys have to work on like making time for the two of you doing the things that you love doing so you know if you guys could take i don't know what you guys love doing but it could be taking a vacation a night away or like just going back to the making out in the four play and the

teasing and just forget about the sex right now like take it you give each other central massages build that up again yet i think it that we have we haven't done a lot of fun things together in a while it's kind of just we go to the grocery store we're going to work and we're having dinner and it's Yeah, I think we haven't done a lot of fun things together in a while. It's kind of just we go to the grocery store, we're going to work, and then we're having dinner, and it's nothing like we do anything exciting anymore. Right. So that is it?

I think bringing that back in. Yeah, like planning a date, because I know everyone's busy, or maybe you're thinking like, financially, can we do it, but really, picking, even if you're going to a dinner in a movie, or there's a ban coming, is favorite, you know, ban really picking, even if you're going to dinner in a movie, or there's a band coming, it's favorite, you know, bands coming to town or whatever, so I think just finding something that you guys can look forward to, maybe you each take turns like planning a date night once a week, or like having something like look forward to is real, like we all need that, and I think it's so easy to get into the day to day of like the grocery store,

the laundry, your favorite next Netflix shows,. So, because that stuff is gonna, that's gonna help you remember why you fell in love in the first place. When you're out and you're having fun and you're not just at home, because when you live together, you look around and it's like it becomes a place that you're living and there's nothing sexy about it. You're seeing the more of the bathroom,

you see them and the more, you know, it's just like, are you in your teeth and it's like, there's not that, you got, so this is the part when I say it takes work. And I wish I could think of another name for it, but it's because work sounds like it's, like, are you in your teeth? And it's like, there's not that you got, so this is the part when I say it takes work. And I wish I could think of another name for it, but it's because work sounds like it's white work, but it really, it's a good effort. It's just so important. So I think talking to him, letting him know

that you want to like bring back the intimacy and the fun and the playfulness will kind of lead to the sex. And like, you know, I think that you could try all the things I talk about, like taking off the table and having go down anymore, make out more, but it sounds like you guys need to have some more fun, especially if he's been studying at finals and that kind of turned it because once it gets on that path, you can be like,

I don't even remember what it was like before. So what do you think about that? Yeah, no, I think that's a great idea. I've been thinking that we need to spend more time together like outside of the house and not just think like, oh, because we left together, we're always together. It's like, no, we need to go have fun together. Yeah, you really do. Perfect.

Yeah, that's what I'm telling you. It'll make such a difference. Just do anything. You realize just little things like that make a huge difference. So don't break up with them. Don't run away. Just try to have some more fun together. Okay, like it was at the beginning. Okay. So don't pick up with them, don't run away. Just try to have some more fun together, okay?

Like it was at the beginning. Okay. Fine and call. Thanks for calling. You got this. Thank you so much. I have a good night. Thanks.

You guys, it's so true. I think that we forget, we forget about those things that why we fell in love in the first place and the things that we used to do at the beginning. And we're like, well, that can't be it, but we're in love and we're living together. Remember, you guys, when things are so familiar and things become wrote, we're no longer like it no longer has the newness and the excitement and the unpredictability that was there early on. So you got to bring that back.

You have to try novel things together. Go to a new restaurant, go to a new movie. That's all the stuff that was happening at the beginning. You were discovering each other. You were trying new things. So you could still have a rediscovery of your relationship by kind of putting yourself in new situations and trying fun things together and playing. We forget to play.

So couples that play together, stay together. Okay, we have Sarah. She's 30 from Washington and she wants to give her partner Oral, but he won't let her. Hey, Sarah. Hi, Emily. Hi, so good to talk to you. Okay, tell me what's going on. A man who doesn't like oral. I know it strange. Yeah, so I've been dating this guy for almost five months now. We're in an exclusive relationship.

Our sex life is getting better. There's a lot of chemistry. He's really attentive, really understanding that women eat a little bit more time, but he says that he has this preference where he doesn't really like receiving oral. time, but he says that he has his preference for he doesn't really like receiving oral, or even really like to be touched. He always puts the short line after sex and he's mentioned in passing conversations that he's not completely comfortable naked. So I just wonder if there's some sort of underlying issue there because I've never encountered someone. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. No, it's a great question. I say it's strange. It does happen. We don't hear about a lot. Like I hear more from women who are were too sensitive them and so how much do you know about his sexual history? So I know he was married before right I use he was married for about 14 years and then he's been divorced for about almost two years

Okay, and dated maybe four or five people Okay, first of all how is his like is his body up like to you like a you're attracted to him and his penis works fine It's you know, right? Definitely attracted to him completely, yeah. Okay, I mean, honestly, it's kind of like, I would say that he probably had some kind of trauma. It could be psychological, it could be physical. Maybe he had a woman who said he,

she didn't like how he, you know, tasted once when he was in high school. I mean, these little things could set up triggers for a lifetime or maybe he, who knows, he came when he didn't want to during oral, or maybe he even had some kind of sexual abuse. I'm not sure what it is, but if you guys are in a comfortable space,

you know, without shaming him, just ask him like, curiously like, has it always been this way? Did you ever like oral sucks? You know, you could ask him again, from a way that's very loving, not having the conversation in the bedroom, but I really don't think it's nothing that you're doing.

And the reason why men report they don't like oral is the same reasons why women don't love oral. Like I said, he might have had a bad experience. Maybe it is too sensitive to touch. He may think that you're not really into it because again, he just might have that belief or one woman said she wasn't into it. So maybe his ex-wife wasn't into it, right?

And so then all those years he was with her, he convinced himself he didn't like oral sex. So I wouldn't like force it on him, of course, and be like, let me do it. But I think like, when you're not in the bedroom, having conversation about your sexual history or experiences might be interesting to you to learn a little bit more.

Because it sounds to me like there's probably something going on. I'm not concerned about it, but if he's open, you know, there's ways that he could maybe, you know, you could learn to, you've touched it again, like, there were a hand job and using lots of lube, and maybe he could build up to it if he's down for it. But I think that it sounds like something else might have happened. What do you think about that? Yeah, no, he's definitely open to talking about it, and I've explained to him that to me,

you know, being able to receive this sort of being vulnerable. And so I want to give because I want him to also be vulnerable and it's a give and take what he, you know, does it to me. So I think he understands it from that point, but still this sort of comes back with, yeah, it's just never been good. Right. Well, see, the right. And then you're like, let me show you good, right? Like as women are like, never been good. I'm going to be the one. So I think that it sounds like maybe it wasn't good. Or he, who knows how we the one. So I think that it sounds like maybe it wasn't good or who knows how we turn things in our mind and it becomes like Orals never good,

but I think you probably had one experience. Maybe it wasn't good, maybe someone bent on with his teeth. I mean, you hear these stories, like I could have been something like who knows. And so I think you could say, was it ever good? Like did something happen? And then you could find out and then you guys can build again, maybe it's through like touching or maybe you just, you know, the tips really sensitive.

You could use your hand and then start to kiss the tip. So if he's open to it once he talks about it, it might take a lot of the charge out of it for him and maybe he'd be willing to kind of try it again. Yeah. And I think I'll definitely bring it up a tip again. Okay, cool. Yeah. That's what you got to do. It's talking, communication is a lubrication. We just need more information, but again, this happens with guys and you're not doing anything wrong. So.

Great, well thank you so much Emily. I'm a loyal, loose layer of your show. Oh, thank you Sarah, I so appreciate it. I love hearing from you, call back. Let me know how it goes or I'm always here for questions. Okay, great. Okay, have a good day, thanks Sarah. Bye.

I like questions like this because we often hear women, they're not, you know, they're too sensitive and oral sex. And for some women, they really are too sensitive. A lot of women are multi-organic. They don't like oral sex. But for men, we don't hear about it as often. And like a lot of sexual challenges we have have to do is some emotional thing that happened to us.

There could be physical pain and we got to just get to the bottom of it. Talk to our partners. Remember you guys outside the bedroom, in a neutral environment, people want to talk about these things but they're not often asked the question. So asking in a thoughtful way can really yield us a lot of the answers that we need to have healthy sex. Just 28 Ohio. Dear Emily, I'm an 11 communicative relationship with a partner I'm very attracted to who also happens to be my best friend.

I feel very blessed. However, in the 11 months we've been living together, I've noticed a frustration come up for me. It seems like he's just constantly trying to sexualize our interactions. It's hard for me to kiss him sometimes because it will inevitably be turned into him trying to take it further. We've always had amazing sex and average about 2-3 times a day in the beginning. While I do have a generally very high sex drive, it's cooled off since then mostly because I just don't have the time to have sex all day. I like doing other things too.

I don't like withdrawing with holding affection because I love kissing and loving and love touch. I don't want him to feel that I'm drifting away because of the decline of physical affection. But I've found that the line between loving touch and sexual touch becomes blurred very quickly. I tried to bring it up lightly sometimes saying things like, can't we just kiss, slash cuddle right now, which he respects in the moment, but it's a challenge for me to have to say that is often as I do. I'm wondering if this is comment and how to handle it.

Thanks for the insight. Okay, Jess, yes, I'm so glad you brought this up because this is really common. I have to say I was just having this conversation with girlfriends, you know, like a few months ago and she was saying, you know, I feel like every time I see my partner, he like his grabs her and it's just for a second,

like a grab or a bunch. She's like, oh, when she gets this, she says my stomach drops because I think I just can't even work or I'm putting the kids down or something's happening and she's like, I just don't want to have sex and so as a result, the deal that you pushed away. So yes, I think what happens is when couples don't actually talk about this, when you reject

your partner sexually and that's, you know, when you don't want to have sex, your partner no matter what, even if you're having sex two to three times a day and the third time you don't want to have it, they're going to experience rejection and then you're going to be pushing them away. So a new dynamic is getting developed where your partner feels not desirable. You're withholding affection because you think every time we're together it's gonna turn into sex.

So this is really common and we have to nip this in the bud. So what I think you have to do, just let them know that you love them. You love having sex with them and that sometimes you just need to make out in cuddle. And I know that you're doing that but here's how I want you to rephrase this, okay?

Just when you say to him, why can't we just kiss and cuddle right now? Can't we just, in that moment you have to understand when you're doing it, and you might have said this to him 10 times, he's feeling rejection, he's feeling vulnerable. And so he's probably not listening to what you're saying. He's like, oh God, she's rejecting me again,

not saying this to make you feel bad, I'm telling you because it's the human condition So talking about it when it's happening in the moment is not the time when people learn you have to let them know that Again, like I was say I'm gonna say on every single show not during sex not right when it happens But in the morning when you're having breakfast on the weekends casual time down time when it's just you guys are hanging out You could say I've been thinking about this a lot. You know, I love you love sex life when you're having breakfast on the weekends. Casual time, down time, when it's just, you guys are hanging out, you can say, I've been thinking about this a lot. You know, I love you, love sex life, and I understand that, you know,

I love our kissing and our intimacy. However, sometimes I don't, when you grab me or you want to sex right away, I'm not in the mood. I feel like my only thing to do is to push you away because I don't want to sex at that moment. It would mean a lot to me. And just tell me what you said to me. It'd be a lot to me.

We could just cuddle and kiss and make out and not have it be about sex. And since you've been together for a while, it's okay to schedule sex. I'm a huge fan of it. Scheduling sex takes sex off the table so you could maybe just have a night of touching and massage and build up to it again. So I think that he's going to understand after you have this real heartfelt conversation with him, the difference between just kind of wanting to touch an intimacy and actually having sex with him.

And I'm glad you're noticing it. And I think this can definitely be reversed and you guys can both be satisfied. And also, a lot of us get so attached to those first few months of a relationship, that's what we call it, the honeymoon phase, because it feels so good. And to oftentimes, that's what we put on this pedestal of the mo... it's when we were falling in love and everything was new and I think when we spent our entire relationship constantly reflecting back to this unrealistic time that's never coming back I'm sorry guys it's not coming back you can have something that's really deep and beautiful

and have longevity in a relationship and you're still never gonna feel how you felt those first three months so that's I'm saying to think about the two to three times a week and you're constantly failing now because you're not having sex two to three times a day. No one can keep that up. Nobody, nobody, nobody. So, just, it's cool, you know, to apologize about that. Just keep building a healthy, strong relationship, sexual relationship, and relationship going forward.

This is from Nancy 24, California. Hello, I recently discovered a type of search porn called Gemini Man. I vaguely understand and I wanted to know if you could explain it better. I saw my boyfriend at search for it and I always wondered if he was bisexual. I feel like this confirms my prediction. Do you have any advice on how I could get him to open up about what he likes? Thanks for the help. Okay Nancy, when I hear that you found something on his phone and that confirms anything, I'm going to say you're wrong. Nothing confirms anything until you actually talk to your partner. Okay, you guys, you're whenever you're looking someone's phone and you find something, I think we've all done it,

it happens or you see something, we're going to find something that's going to make us go, huh, what does this really mean? Just talk to him about it and we can front but say, hey, this is what I found. What do you think it means? As far as Gemini men, this is a site that typically posts porn videos of straight men jerking off, stripping down, and playing with dildos. I think there's more, some more sex scenes in it as well, but it's just kind of amateur porn and does not necessarily mean he's bisexual. Our porn preferences are not necessarily indication of sexual orientation. Okay. A lot of people like watching gay porn, a lot of straight men and women watch gay porn all

the time. In fact, it's one of the most common search terms in porn doesn't mean that they're gay. So you can start by having the conversation about your fantasies and then ask what his are. You know that's one of my favorite entrees with a partner. And I'd be like, babe, I've been thinking about her. I've let me tell you about my fantasies if you share yours Either you both were right down separately you swap lists or you just talk about it You can let them know that you always fantasized about talking dirty being tied up

But then here what he says you guys remember this I give you these tips how to have healthy sexual conversations With your partner and it's not a one-time thing I hope that you guys get excited by these conversations and you continue to have them, just like you talk about where you're gonna go on your summer vacation and movies you're gonna watch or your work life. Your sex life should be part of the rich

and vibrant conversation that you're having with your partner. But I think the fantasy's conversation is a great way to start and then you follow up again. Just because you have a conversation once, especially about sex, doesn't mean you've had the conversation in quotes. We have to continue to have these conversations and then eventually it'll become very common place

in your relationship. That's my hope for you, Nancy, and for everyone listening. Thanks for emailing. Thanks everyone for listening to the show, for supporting us, for emailing us, calling us, telling your friends, reviewing the show. We appreciate it.

I appreciate all of you. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Sarah, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithamlee.com. you