Sex With Emily - Getting Naked w/ Emily

Episode Date: January 2, 2021

Let’s take off the metaphorical clothes and reveal our authentic selves, people. Today, we’re putting the spotlight on our deepest insecurities so we fully participate in loving ourselves. Whether you’re worried about your weight or your penis, the more we try to hide our fears, the bigger they get. To make it easier for you to share YOUR fears, my team gets real and lays it all out in the open. Turns out, a lot of us are fighting the same demons.We talk about our journeys with body image, weight, balding, period sex, and more. Then, I walk through how to work on each unique insecurity so you can learn to like (and maybe even love) those things about yourself.For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I believe those of the Olympiwishin' date. It's really hard when we, our bodies are so unpredictable and they're all beautiful and they are all messy and things happen. And so I think that we should all look for the partners that are like your beautiful dude, the way you are. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bet through eyes they call them in a fight on day. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today, what a fun show. We are putting the spotlight on some of our deepest insecurities. So we can work through them and be our true authentic selves. Whether you're worried about your weight or nervous about telling someone you're like deepest, darkest secrets, the more we try to hide those worries, the bigger they get. And I invited my team on this show, which I loved, everyone just sort of opened up. You've ever been sitting around with your,

you probably, if you're sitting around with your team, you might not have such an in-depth conversation about, I don't know, your insecurities in the bedroom, but you know when you just get going. That's what happened in this show. Turns out, a lot of us are fighting a lot of the are fighting a lot of the same demons, and I think you're going to be able to relate. We talk about our journeys

with body image, our weight, balding, period sex, all the things. And then I work with them, you know, walk through how to work on each unique insecurity so you can learn to like and maybe even love those things about yourself that you think aren't lovable. We also explore the difference between women's fears and men's fears and I know you're going to enjoy this show. Let's set an intention. So for each episode, you know, after hearing what the show is about, what do you want to get

out of it? It could be, wow, I want to hear how other people get through their insecurities. My intention was to show you how with just a little bit of focus, a little bit of time, you can turn those insecurities around so you'll have more confidence, not only in the bedroom, but in your life. All right, survey, we have a new survey. It's our better sex survey sponsored by Pure. And I just want to hear what you have going on, what are your sex goals for the year, and a lot of you have been emailing me and saying, oh, thanks for your survey. I actually got me thinking about my own sex life, and I learned something. So I would love if you could check it out. It's really easy to take. It is sex with Emily.com slash survey.

And I appreciate you. It really helps us make a even stronger show, because I want to know what you like and what you want to hear. And just remember, if you have any questions at all that you want to ask me, just call me directly. It's Monday through Friday, 5 to 7 p.m. Pacific, and I can just help you take the next right step. It's like little mini doses of therapy. The number is AAA9478277 that's AAApple eight nine four seven eight two seven seven All right, so gab is my assistant and we've worked together for four months now and We don't have a lot of time to talk but one day she revealed this Insecurity to me we actually haven't talked about it since she just kind of dropped it I mean, I could say she has a fear of vaginas.

Yeah, that's all I know. Yeah, like this is a nice way to be intro to this sex with Emily. Hello, Gab. It's the virus. You all might have heard me giggling in the background, but this is it. Yeah, so Gab, tell me about it because it's actually,

you're not alone with it because I actually, if I tell you there is a fear, it's called the Eurotophobia and that because I actually, if it's how you, there is a fear. It's called the Eurotophobia. And that is a fear. Like, it's a phobia. I don't know if you have a full on phobia. So the difference between a phobia and just a fear, a phobia is like, it's a, you know,

life altering. It impacts every era of your life. You're not able to do certain things, you know, fear of agorophobia, fear outside. You can't go outside ever. Like, it's a whole thing to get over that fear. And I don't know what about this fear. So what could you tell me what you know about it? When was the first time you remember feeling it? So I guess.

So I would say it's more, I don't know if we would call it a fear. I know we talked about that earlier. Is it a phobia? Is it a fear? Is it just a not understanding and growing up with this whole idea that my vagina and all the gynas are just this weird, gross, questionable, factum at the bottom of a woman's body, like, who knows? But growing up being around my friends, like, you know, guys, I grew up with a lot of

guys, like, in the sports world, working with a lot of ice hockey teams. And, you know, I would hear about the guys a lot of guys, like, in the sports world working with a lot of ice hockey teams. And, you know, I would hear about the guys who just drop in, they just go into the locker room, they didn't care who they were teaming in front of. And then, girls as well, like, I'd be in the locker room for field hockey, and they would just be changing in front of everyone. But for some reason, I guess growing up,

I just never had a love for my own vagina. And I just thought it was a weird place. And that because of that, I just never had a love for my own vagina. And I just thought it was a weird place. And that because of that, I just never wanted to see anyone else's. I felt like it should be this private thing. Well, let me just give you some backstory here. There's a few reasons why this is interesting because well, and I actually already have some ideas,

but the first thing is, I think the first day that Gav was on the job, I might have gotten undressed in front of you. I might have changed. I don't know that I took off my underwear, but I just changed. I'm used to people being around and I'm like, changing.

The other thing is, I have a vulva puppet. It's right behind me. And it's there all the time. We've talked about it. One time I think you have to bring it into the office for me. So that's why it's also, I want to understand it. But part of me feels like you just said a lot there about the going up with a brother.

And then if you ever heard even, let's say no one ever talked about your vagina initially, but then you heard boys in the locker room saying like, oh, meet curtains or vaginas are gross, that's definitely gonna have an impact on you. I would think that could be part of it and then also not having education around it. And the truth is you're right. I mean, the thing is, I don't know

because you're funny, you have great sense of humor. And I actually don't know the, if it's ever impacted your ability to be sexual, as it ever. I don't think it has. I mean, I think any way that my vagina might impact my sex life is like any other girl you feel like your pH might be off, you're feeling a little questionable,

but outside of that, it definitely has. Okay. I think it's just more of the idea. Yeah, I'm happy to hear that, but I think what it brings up though, it's this phobia, Euro-trophobia, it's female, it can come from a lot of different things. It could be because a lot of us just have a highly-prudish and pure-tanical upbringing. Everything comes back to not having a lot of sex education. And so as a result of that, we take a little few things that we hear.

I mean, you might not even remember all of it, but perhaps there was something that was said. And then there wasn't a lot of women around me be talking about sex that might have had that impact on you. But what about other things? Is there any, have you ever taken a look at yours with a mirror? I know. Because that might be the first step. There's so many women like you said, Gab, that just they think it's wrong last night. We had a few colors who were like, I feel dirty, I don't want my partner to go down on me because I'm afraid that I smell.

I didn't shave correctly. They don't really want to be there. And that is because society does not back up the vulva, the vagina is something that is beautiful, even though it's what gave us all life. And the vulva is so misunderstood and they're also different. And then what we see in porn, whenever that's the only vagina you've seen, it's not, probably doesn't look like yours because no two are the same. So, so I don't know, Gab, do you think it's impacting your life in

anyway? So, Kotali, I'm not even joking. Talking about the body, talking about sex. I, even when I hadn't had sex, I could talk about it freely. But funny enough, we have my friend here with me and as you as well, Emily, like, you know, when we're in close quarters, when I used to be traveling for work, when I'm with you sometimes, like, that's the moment when I recognize that, or when I'm with my friends that I'm like,

this is actually impacting me, because we might be, I might have been on a tour bus or we might be in the house and you might be getting ready for the show when I completely diverting leave the room. Yeah. And I'm screaming from the kitchen because I'm like, you know what, there's gotta be space, there's gotta be boundaries.

If she doesn't want it, I'm gonna give it to her. The second gap thinks I'm going to change, she ducks out and calls me from the kitchen. So, wait, Ezi, do you want to talk about this? You've been friends with Gap for a while. Did you know what you've known about this? Yeah, well, Gap and I were really good friends, but we also worked together in the past, and she was my tour manager.

So, and I'm really open like you. I get naked in front of my friends and change and I don't really think about it. And I remember one time she was like, I don't know exactly what you said, but you were like, I don't care, I'll see anything, just not like your labia or something. I'm like, I don't like, yeah, what's wrong with the labia? Like you have one, and I basically said the same thing. Like, have you ever looked at it? I'm also queer, so I feel like a genus is fine and they're great. I don't really worry about that, but I just definitely noticed that you got really nervous and uncomfortable. That makes me sad. You're great. You're amazing, Gab. I'm so expecting Emily to give me a mirror for our Christmas present now.

I am. Yeah. No, but, but, yeah, I think that could be the first step. Maybe have a glass of wine or tequila, whatever, whatever you need to chill. And then you just take a mirror. You could even take your phone. Don't take a picture. Yeah.

But just take a look and just be like, okay. And I think that, because even women who feel that they don't even want a masturbator, it's wrong. That's often the first step. I won't even say you have to masturbate. I'll just say, take a look and you might be surprised that it's beautiful. And then once you get into that, you realize that you make friends with it and then you realize it's a part of you. And then when you do look at it, when you masturbate, you see that it's swells and it's beautiful. But we don't have to push you there yet. I just think that could be your

first step. I think also like, what was your sex education like growing up? I saw the miracle of life when I was in sixth grade sitting at a table with boys and girls. That was a riveting experience in science class. And then we learned about tampons and pads and that's about it. Anything else that I learned was from Sex and the City watching it with my family. Yeah, and watching all those things doesn't help you love your vagina, like the miracle of life. And here's a tampon and put it inside of you. See that stuff the way we educate our youth is so not helpful for becoming an adult and understanding our bodies and masturbating. It's all based around fear and it's all based around don't get pregnant on STD and it's all these

medical conditions, but we never talk about pleasure. What about you, Ezi? Did you have any sex education that was used? My sex education was weird too. I remember in health class learning about like SDDs and not getting pregnant and like learning about like your period and fifth grade by watching in an assembly with boys and girls or maybe it was just girls and it was so awkward and like very shame provoking, you know, almost felt like. It almost felt like this is happening. Like now you must be scared and not like embrace it right right and it's mixed messages

Right as you because then they say oh We were told sex is gonna be this amazing thing and then there's zero information about it. It's just a fear-based information So when did you get past it? So you're not afraid of you. Well, you're queer. So when did you first? Masterbait. This is crazy. I never, like, I never talked about this. I must have been, maybe like, 17, maybe, or 18. Like when I started, like, hooking up with guys, then I, they'd do stuff and I'd be like, oh wait, this is kind of,

and then I would just do it to myself and then. Right. They figured it out. That's cool. So that wasn't like shame, or so you felt good about it. Yeah, yeah, what about you? When did you start? On the younger side, I would say somewhere around like,. Yeah, yeah, what about you? When did you start on the younger side? I would say somewhere around like maybe 14 13 14. Okay, and definitely always curious. I'll say that much.

Okay, so do you remember when the yeah, I know we kind of talked about this, but do you remember the moment where you were like, oh, the vagina is a no-go for me? I think it might have been so talking about what we've learned like what've learned in school. We learned a lot about STDs and things like that, but we didn't learn about the gin as like, so-troll norms, like how to maintain it, like trimming hair as well as, you know, women, like you get yeast infections, you have discharge,

like these things are normal. And I think when I started to experience those types of things as I grew up, I was like, this is a phantom, and I'd never knew this was supposed to happen. And I think that's when it started, because I thought that there was something wrong with me, because it was never openly discussed.

And then as I grew up, and it wasn't until college, when I first mentioned the word dish-targe, to a friend of mine. And she was like, I have that problem too. And I was like, oh, wait a second. This is normal. Yeah. It's so normal. I mean, this is something that all women have. Discharge completely normal. But then we're seeing that we should like buy a douche, which dooshes are not healthy for women. Because like I say, they're like your pH balance,

like, is going to be fine. Your vagina is like a self cleaning oven on its own. It was going to maintain that. But, but yeah, there's just so many things we don't understand and then when you do what you do know is you're like I'm bleeding and I've cramped I mean you get it why women might have this fear around their vulvas. So gab is it something that is top of mind often besides work Yeah, imagine going into the office every day and Emily's then just put upva wallpaper. I won't do that now, I won't do that now. You know, like I am, I'm a true fan of the woman's body. Like I love breasts, I think butts. Yeah, I have, I have a huge fascination with butts. Like we all know, I love my own, I love everyone's.

I'll give them compliments, but there's just something with the vulva, the vagina, everything, I'm willing, even talking about it, even having the conversation with you and not just jokingly passing it off as a, you know, I have a fear of a I'm very much like my friends therapist. I'm like, what's wrong? What triggered that? But there's a thought that came to me when you were saying something. And I remember I was thinking about like how a lot of guys don't really know, they're not educated on women's vaginas too.

So, and I think maybe when they see like discharge or they see, you know, certain things that they don't know about, you're right. Maybe they don't mean to, but they tend to shame girls for that when they just don't know that that's normal and then girls don't know that it's normal. So then they're like, what's wrong with me? Exactly. Why am I like that? One of my biggest fears would be a guy like, you know, you're all hot and intimate, you're touching one another and then he touches your vulva and then starts climbing forward and then goes, oh, you're too wet or oh, the consistency is off.

Things like that, when a guy doesn't realize that, you know, that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you either. That just means, you know, your body's processing a little bit differently today. Right. Exactly. Because if we don't know, how can guys know, you know, that yeah, discharge happens usually has to do with our hormones But peel that back. We don't even understand our hormones, but different times of month you've more discharged than others

Different times a month you get more wet than others Your wetness level doesn't mean that you're not turned on if you're not wet Like this is just the stuff that how useful would this have been when we were in high school And then we worry about our discharge if you you can't control. And then we worry about the hair, I would just love to empower women to be like, you get to decide. Thank you for being so honest here. And bring it up. And discharge, discharge is confusing. God, and you're just like, what is wrong? Do I have a yeast? Because sometimes you could have a yeast infection or you, there could be something, but sometimes it's just discharge after your period or when you're ovulating. The vaginas are just, they should be our happy place.

I mean, because they give us so much pleasure. And then we have the clitoris with 8,000 nerve endings. It just exists for pleasure. As you do feel like you know your body better now being with women. I think so. Yeah. I mean, I'm in a serious relationship with a woman. But so for almost a year now, so I've definitely, yeah, I think so for sure.

Just noticing that like when I would only hook up with guys or date guys, you're not seeing other women's bodies. Like you're not seeing that, you're not experiencing like other women being turned on or like seeing them go through the motion so you genuinely just don't know. But then having dated girls, I think, I don't know,

I definitely open my eyes a lot to like, understanding how, you know, everyone. No, it's true. Exactly, because you're like, oh yeah, I just tried, you just tried, you have a tampon, like we're just so much more open. And you're right, and we don't see other women. We don't, we've just started to talk about

female masturbations, like in the last, I mean, while, but it's still not that common that we talk about it. So we're certainly not talking about masturbation or saying like, my labia looks like this, how about yours? And then the only vagina you see are important. So, and those aren't accurate because they're shot from an angle,

the labia's tucked in, there's like makeup on it. It's not a real vulva. So stick around, we're gonna talk about what to do if your partner makes you feel bad in bed. Amanda, what do you think? Yeah, it was it was funny because I joined the call late And as soon as I heard what you all were talking about, I instantly could empathize and understood it because I think there's so many aspects

of vaginas and vulvas that can be confusing. Like I got pleasure was confusing. I didn't like understand like how to like orgasm with a partner, but I also thought vaginal health was confusing. So it's like there's so many avenues, we could go down to talk about how vagina is in boldest and be confusing.

They are confusing. And then what do you do with the hair? Like what do you want to decide? I think you have to decide what you want, what feels good to you. I hate when there's like pressure to rip it all off or not. And there's little hairs there where you didn't want them. You know what's crazy is that I remember when I was sitting around, I was at a dinner

table, that on this real quick. I was at a dinner table with 10 guys. And I was there just like quiet in the corner and doing my thing, eating my food. And I hear one of them say, oh, if she has hair back there, I'm kicking her out. And like to hear men, like put standards and woman's bodies like that as well, it's like, I wanna know like where are the men that are just like, it is what it is, like I don't care. It's a bush.

It's a bush. If you want to shave, shave. It's attractive to me when a man feels that way, when I know that he or a woman, like when either, like gender will desire me regardless of like what my body looks like. Yeah. And though they're out there, those people are out there that those are, I believe those

are the only people we should date. I mean, the ones who shame you and make you feel bad and talk about your weight and what you should eat and what you should eat or how you should look, it's really's really hard when our bodies are so unpredictable and they're all beautiful and they're all messy and things happen and sex can be messy. So I think that we should all look for the partners or like you're beautiful the way you are and you're right, man. I've been with guys who are just like, I love how you look in the morning and I love all these things about you and it just mess.

I mean, that's why so many women don't have orgasms either or pleasure because we're so tightly wowed and worried that something's going to happen. There's going to be like a weird noise or a mess or something that is just going to upset these guys, but I think that's what we're kind of trying to change. So I want to give this out to men to say, learn to celebrate it. And to women too, I think we just, oh God, we're so shameful. And I was, you guys ever been with someone who has shamed you directly? I can say, I've had a man look at me and say, oh, well, you know, you're butz looking flatter.

And for me, that's an insult. And he says, you need to be doing more squats. And I'm like, excuse me. Excuse me. And you know, that alone, like telling a woman that when you're spending time with them makes them really insecure. Yes, just one comment like that. And so I think the whole body positive thing and acceptance, that should be on your list of traits in a partner that are desirable.

Why can't we just be with people who are celebrating it? But we can. You just turn away from the partners who don't make you feel good. And even if it's just one comment, But I think there's something in our culture so that we think, oh, that's normal, or they're probably right. I've heard it before with period sex too. You asked if I'd been shamed, because one time I remember I was hooking up with a guy, and I guess my period started early or something, so there was blood and he was like oh and like oh like start freaking out about like the mess and I was just like this is something I cannot control

and it's something that happens to almost every woman at least like majority of women or of all the owners so like how would you feel about that if I was like oh like every time you like came or every time you like where did you mean you? You know, like, it's like, it's true. I don't know. It's a whole nother conversation too. You're right that we just, we can't help, but we did not like, we secretly knew we were about to bleed and we're like, let's have sex at this moment. We didn't want that either.

But we didn't, you know, we can't control it. And, and I don't know if it's just younger men, maybe guy in their 20s, but I was with someone in their 30s. The second there was any blood, he would hop out of bed, jump in the shower, buy him selfie for the sex was over it. And it was like, I didn't know then that I could just leave those people. I just thought that's how it was. I can't help it. Yeah. And I get like some people just don't like blood. Like I don't want to like make men or anyone like feel they have

to be okay with my blood or anyone's blood, but still to be respectful, you know? And yeah, don't tell us that we're as gross, yeah. I know that we're talking a lot about the female insecurities and like I can go on a list, but I would also love to give me some time. I'll list them all out for you, but I would also love to know like, what is it that women might say to guys? Like have any of you with any partners you might have been with?

What are insecurities? Guys talk about as well. At most, a guy might say, don't grab my little fat in the front, my stomach, outside of that. I don't really hear of anything. I mean, obviously, we go off on penis size because we hear about that every day. But yeah, Eric is saying, losing erections during sex, taking too long to finish, but nothing about that every day. But yeah, Eric is saying losing erections during sex, taking too long to finish, but nothing about particular body parts.

I don't decide their penis. It's all around the can of you. Yeah. It's also interesting because like I at least in my experience, like if a guy like were to feel kind of insecure, their response is like a little bit more to just I don't want to generalize, but like just for my experience is a little bit more like defensive and more like well, what do you know are this? And our responses whenever wear pointed stuff out is like the complete opposite, or at least my response in the past has been like not defensive at all. It's been very like I'm sorry like oh my god, what an inconvenience to you.

It's like just complete different response. Exactly. That's it. Well, women, I think a lot of us are caretaker. We take it on, but like, oh, you must be right. We agree with them rather than get defensive. I have had some men reveal their insecurities to me before. Like what?

And then what? Hair. Hair is a big one. That's a good, that's a good one. Oh, bald it like if they were losing their hair. If we were balding or like poofy hair, I've heard that before. I just wanted to come in and say, yeah, balding security. He has no hair. Yeah, blazing. Blaze, our call screener saying there's guys that don't like to take their shirts off at the beach. Yeah, that is true.

Height. Height's another one. He's not a full enough beard. Yeah. Blaze makes a great point. Like, I've been with a guy where he did not like taking his shirt off and I never thought of anything of it. And I said, you're fine. Like like I just said, like everything's okay.

Like you can take it off. Like we're in a comfortable space here. Like giving him that permission and that acceptance of like, I don't care what you look like. Like you're with me for a reason. Well, that's the thing we have to remember that the partners that you're with, hopefully they're the ones that want to be with you

no matter what state you're in. And they love all of you. I mean, that's what happens with the deep trusting, healthy relationships. But I think the toxic ones are when we get all caught up and, I don't know, in our, in looks, our in shaming or once you lose 10 pounds, I'll feel this way when it's just very superficial, but we definitely don't live in society that makes this easy. So I guess we're telling you all it is okay. And then it does start with body love. Let's just say body like body acceptance.

Start with that. Start with just knowing that there are bodies capacity for pleasure, for love, for touch, all those things, we're the gatekeepers to our bodies. So once we can learn to know that we are amazing the way we are and the partners that we're right for us are going to see that in us.

I know that seems like a stretch and some kind of, oh, that won't happen. That will happen. If you're with a partner right now who is shaming you in any way, that doesn't have to be your reality. You're allowing that to happen. I'm thinking those are the ones you can walk away from. I don't often say that. But I think it's a certain type of person.

I think you can move through it. Maybe you grew up in an environment where it was all about looks and it was all about body type and all these things, but I don't think that you have to stay in a place of shaming others or shaming yourself. Yeah, just leave those people. And you know what I often say? They just dump those people. It makes me angry.

They might not only person here when my friends talk to me about guys that don't treat them all. I immediately say kick them to the curb. Guy doesn't talk kindly to you. Guy doesn't embrace your body. Whatever it might be, you're just getting angry at you for something that you can't control. I just say, kick them. There's plenty of other fish out there and same thing goes for guys. It's all about having someone that appreciates you. It goes both ways though, because like, I know Gabi and I have had this conversation and like being a strong person is obviously like, that's the goal, that's the ideal. But I've been in a situation where I was telling you like, how are you letting this person

treat you like that? And you kind of just sit back and you're like, well, like, what do you mean? Absolutely not. Mm-hmm. Oh, I can admit that it goes both ways for sure. Oh, yeah. I mean, like when you're in it, when you're the one like who's liking the person and wanting them to change and maybe like being a mischreated a little bit, it can be so hard to see it. Because that happened to me when I was in my early 20s, like I liked somebody who was not making me feel amazing and I just hung out and held a candle for them

for months, and I think even upwards of a few years, and my friends would tell me, why are you with him, he clearly is like not giving the same amount of like love and respect, but I had to learn that lesson on my own. It didn't always matter what my friends told me. Yeah. We can't really take her on advice sometimes. It's really hard to take her on advice.

I can help all of you, but I think again, it's about upbringing and your family and your family of origin and what you're used to and what feels familiar to you as someone being judgmental. Someone being critical feels like home, but doesn't mean that we have to live that way. Next up, what to do if you've gained weight and quarantine and you're just lacking that confidence? One of the greatest roadblocks that we have to having deeply satisfying pleasurable sex starts with us. Sorry, yeah, we could blame your partners, and I will sometimes do that. But if we don't learn how to make peace and learn to love our bodies, how is anybody else going to?

Maria, good to see your face, our intern, has a question. So this is something that has been kind of brewing for a while because I've always had body image issues because it's been always a trigger point with my family. They've always commented on my weight, all my life, and I've always been a little bigger than usual. All my friends have been always super slamming stuff. And I met my boyfriend like at my lowest weight.

So I was like when I was like my most confident in everything. That was like two years ago. So I obviously like my body has been like up and down with everything. And with COVID, I've also like gained like a lot of weight. And it's been like a thing of like me having to like cope with my own body. And like I've always been like super super happy with my sex life and everything, but with COVID, my sex drive's just been super, I would say almost dead at some point. My boyfriend's the most supportive.

He wouldn't be the type of person to shame my body or anything, it's a total opposite. With him, he's like inter bigger bodies and everything. But for me, it's just like that like uncomfortable notion, like, I kind of find shame if my body's a little bigger than usual. And like with COVID, like, I don't have clothes that like, I would wear it usually, like casual clothes that fit me well. Like I'm just wearing sweatpants all the time too. My question in general is like, how do I find confidence in like my own body to like just be okay with it and have my

relationship with my boyfriend be a little better knowing that he's super okay with me being bigger, but I'm not really okay. Rhea, thank you for sharing that, really. That's a lot to lay down and I so appreciate it. So first, it's like, when you were, let's say, you were at the last few, less weight, do you think that you felt you loved your body at that point? Yeah, like when I was on my lowest weight, it was also like, because I was like pushing myself

a lot to like exercise, counting calories and all that stuff. So it wasn't also like the super healthiest relationship of my body I had. Right. And like with my boyfriend, when I met him, it was like, I didn't really like prioritize gym time. Like we were both like having fun and like enjoying food together, like my relationship with food got like way better.

So, yeah. Yeah, okay, because that's the thing. I mean, I think that this is a journey. It's not just a one time, you know, conversation, but I think that, I mean, a lot of it starts with treating our bodies well and doing things that are good for it. I think even just moving your body. Do you walk or do get outside and do just move exercise, even if it's not rigorous exercise? Do you eating food that

make you feel good, making those choices? Because those things are like, and you're having pleasure with your partner. Yeah, a lot of the things we do, we really enjoy together. We hike together and that's getting in touch with nature together It's like something that we both really enjoy and like again like with eating food and everything like I feel like my relationship with food is better because like my boyfriend and I are like I don't know where food is, but we're also like we take care of like like getting like nutritious food and stuff like that So that's see those are all great things. So I'm really happy to hear that So it's kind of a process. I think but it's like journaling and doing these exercises where you actually, it's not just looking at your vagina in the mirror, but looking at

your body in the mirror and appreciating how you move and, you know, moving around your bedroom and dancing or playing music and actually forcing yourself to do the look and to realize how amazing our bodies are. And that's why I didn't even say body love. I said body acceptance. And it's sort of a repetitive process and something else that the command of saying to is affirmations is another step two. And what I do is because I do a lot of negative self talk around.

Oh, everything. A lot of things. I'm judgmental for myself. And I literally have a good list on my phone that just like notes like in the morning, I take 10 minutes every day so it's 20 and do a meditation. I read my affirmations around whatever it is. Like I have enough. I am enough.

I am, you know, all the things I worry about that I'm not doing enough and that I'm not good enough for all the things. And I'm telling you, I go through spirals where it's not as great. And then I know that I have this one note in my phone And I breathe and I read it and affirmations are really cool thing because while they might seem like oh god People tell me to journal and write affirmations It actually works because the thing that's holding you back from it is like your thoughts right your thoughts about what it means Because you actually feel good because you're eating good food and you're moving and all that. So maybe like a morning routine where you're like doing a meditation, writing, and putting down

the things that the opposite thoughts of the negative, does that make sense? Yeah, definitely, because I feel like especially during this time, I've avoided mirrors and that's like such a horrible thing to do too. Then moved into an apartment recently and the last thing I bought was a mirror. And I got one that was super cheap and it's distorted so it makes me even look bigger. So I just avoid it. So that's definitely something that I have to look into. And I do a lot of negative self-talk too.

So that's something that I definitely have to work on. Yeah, our brains, this is what we do. It's a conditioning that comes from, I mean, so many things. We've talked about on the show before, I mean, in life, but I mean, sometimes it is a daily practice. And I think another great thing that helps us, is this, the questions are, if you have a thought

and you think, is it true? We've talked about this before, but maybe not. I mean, I think everyone should write this down. The five questions is, is it true? What would be your statement, Maria? That's like your negative statement. Something negative that I say to myself, I guess like I'm too big or something like that.

Okay, I'm too big. So then you say, is it true? The next one should be, can you be certain? Is it absolutely true? How do you feel when you believe the thought? Then the next thing is how would you, okay, here it is. How would you feel if you didn't or couldn't have that thought? You could not have the thought that you're too big. How would you feel overall?

Like happy or free. Right. And then how would it sound if it was the exact opposite? Like happy and free. Yeah. Yeah. That's an exercise to the helps. I love that you're bringing this up now because also like at your age two, how old are you? You're in your early 20s? Yeah, I'm 22, going to be 23 soon. I feel like these are like insecurities that like I should be happy. I could have them, yeah, but I can let them get in the way, because I'm just like, I'm young.

I don't have to like deal with so many stressful things, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. We all have our things. There's things we all have the things that we worry about.

And whatever our thing is, it feels like, well, at least you don't have that people thing. But I think we all have the thing about our looks or our brains or just so many things. And I think it all comes down to our own self-judgment. So that's why it's like if learning to make it a daily practice. I mean, that is the work. Because it just can take over our lives. Let's talk to Mary, 55 Minuja Jersey because she is a message for Maria our intern. Hi, Mary. Thanks for calling. Hi, how are you? I'm good. I'm good.

I said when I first called, I was like, I could go in in so many different directions with what you've been talking about tonight. But once I heard Maria talk and say that she was 22, a lot of the things she said struck the chord with me because I too had body dysmorphia. I really didn't know what I looked like. And I would, you know, I was like a failed at trying to starve myself. I didn't do real well with that. But always just going up and down and whatever. But when I finally realized that our bodies are so amazing,

just freaking amazing, like I built human beings inside of here and then brought them out and kept them alive. But you know, it didn't stop me from having still, still, you know, in my 30s, not really feeling that confident all the time and I was married. And my husband would, and I'm divorced for like 15 years now, thank God, he would call that thing on my stomach where I grew those human beings, your mess of stomach thing. I can't even believe that what we tolerate what we write as women right right that's a way we're like way from those people we are so amazing we are amazing creatures and he absolutely right we gave birth we did yeah anyway go ahead

keep going and I have like little tiny tiny veins spider veins around my knees and I could see like you he'd be sitting there, you know, I'd be in shorts or a bathing suit, whatever, and he would be looking, like, with disgust on his face. And he wasn't anything, he was like, the little very doughboy.

I'm like, what's like, and I had a bit like, an Iron Man triathlete, I ran, you know, we're in Marathon'sons and I let this person implement how I felt about myself. It's insane. What we just tolerate. I know. Just know that your body is so amazing.

And whether it's at eight, a six, a four, a 10, a 12, a 14, it's still amazing. It is, right? Mary, yeah. And you get through it right there, 55. I mean, yeah, I often tell these the women, I'm like, oh, I wish, what I knew the stuff, I, you know, now in my 20s,

we weren't talking about it as much, but there's a whole movement now, you know, body acceptance and sex positivity. Yeah. You know, like showing all different kinds of bodies, you know, you know, companies, clothing companies, everything, we're really, now is a good time, but it's still, it's the thoughts that are programmed,

you know, in our head, but I love to hear your success story and you got on to that unhealthy relationship. I still have trouble with, you know, thinking about my body. I have Hashimoto's thyroiditis. So before it was diagnosed, you know, I gained weight, while I was training for an ultrasound, it was like pound after pound. I was about 45 or something, a 47. And I was taking for an ultrasound. I was like pound after pound. I was about 45 or something, or 47.

I was taking pregnancy tests. I'm like, my God, what is this? And then, you know, that got diagnosed, and I lost that weight. And then now, like, through a little bit before COVID, so I was goofing off and took a little break from working out as hard, which is bad time to take a break. I ate a lot of candy.

And now my clothes don't fit, and then COVID. But I'm better than I would have been any other time with this weight, but still look at it sometimes like I can't stand it. I'm like, what are you talking about? Yeah, I don't think it goes away. I don't know if it ever goes away. Like some of these thoughts just stay with us. I don't know that it goes away,

but I don't know where, what if you find in the moment, Mary, that you're, you just kind of have to catch it and then flip it because you're like, I could go down this dark hole right now and this isn't gonna be good. So, yeah. Right, is that what you do?

I mean, when you're this old, you know. Well, you know, because you're like, I've been hearing this message for years. This is, I want to change the channel right now. Yeah. Yeah. And we're working from home, like basically alone in a lot of times because the kids are way.

So I'm talking to myself going like, no negative self talk. You idiot. Yeah. Or would you talk to your friend that way? That's some things that we tell ourselves to. Like, I wouldn't talk to my friend the way I talk to myself. And the affirmations are helpful. No, well, exactly.

Or lovers, right? Because you got rid of him. Right. Yeah. Maria should be too. She's got an amazing body. I'm sure. She's amazing.

She's an amazing woman. They do, right? I'm just like, I wish. The skin. It's so soft. There's no recos in the mouth. I know. I know. Well, thank you, Mary. I have a

dear old as well. Well, thank you. You do. Oh, you're welcome, Mary. It's very good. You're old and yeah, but she probably has her things too, right? We always have a thing we don't like about ourselves. Of course, it's perfect. But there's something. Right. We've all got the things and that's why it's a day-to-day process. Thank you, Mary. Have a wonderful evening and we'll talk soon. Thanks for calling. That's it for today's episode.

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