Sex With Emily - Getting Over Your Sexual Fears

Episode Date: July 1, 2022

It’s my strong belief that pleasure is the antidote to fear, now and always. But when it comes to sex, we really can be our own worst enemies: what if my new partner sees me naked, and decides to jet? What if I try out some dirty talk, and my partner laughs at me? What if I approach someone cute…and they say ‘no thank you’?Fear can be crippling to our sex drive – but it can also be digested and processed. To do that, we can check the facts, we can remember that most things aren’t personal, and we can talk about our fears out loud. (Meditation helps too!) So on today’s best of episode, I’m talking to you all about YOUR sex fears: period sex, sharing a fetish with a new partner, old traumas, fear that you’ll never get over an ex, and much more to help you live YOUR most free, sexually healthy life.Show Notes:The Secret to Better Sex? Talking About It Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

When I think about what I do here, my job and in talking to all of you, a big part of it is breaking through those fears around sex. We're afraid of getting rejected, we're afraid of asking for what we want. And when I really started to think about, like, what are we so afraid of, right? Like, we're sex, like, if we could just break through, we're our own worst enemies. We're so afraid of talking about sex, we're so afraid of being vulnerable, maybe we're afraid of being naked with a partner

because they're all wet once they see it's naked. They're never gonna wanna go through with this. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. It's my strong belief that pleasure is the antidote to fear, now and always. But when it comes to sex, we really can be our own worst enemies.

What if my department sees me naked and decides to jet? What if I try to get some dirty talk and my partner laughs at me? What if I approach someone cute and they say, no, thank you. Fear can be crippling to our sex drive, but it can also be digested and processed. To do that, we can check the facts. We can remember that most things aren't personal and we can talk about our fears out loud. And meditation helps too. So on today's best of episode, I'm talking to you all about your sex fears, period sex, sharing a fetish with a new partner, old traumas, fear that you'll never get over an axe and

much more to help you live your most free, sexually healthy life. Intentions with Emily, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show. I do it and I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, how could this episode help you? Well, my intention is to help you remember this. The way you treat yourself is the instruction manual You give others for engaging with you Which is why I'm so passionate about helping you process your fears whether it's around sex pleasure or anything else So you can treat yourself with compassion and love and train

others to do the same. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, The Secret to Better Sex, talking about it, is up at sexwithemily.com. You can also check out my YouTube channel, Social Media and TickTock, which is at Sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily or call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 573 Dime. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show and

totally cold to change your name if you want to remain anonymous. All right, everyone. Enjoy this episode. Hey, everyone. Before we get started, I wanted to acknowledge the overturning of Roe v. Wade by the Supreme Court. We're living in a moment where we're grappling with the stakes of sex, sex for procreation, pleasure, you know how I feel.

Either, both, and most importantly, are some bodies more free than others. It's been my view that sexual pleasure is for everybody, not just bodies that can't get pregnant, everybody. That's why it's sex with Emily. We feel conversations around sex and pleasure are more vital than ever before. We're committed to giving you a modern sex education and we are equally committed to teaching you that pleasure is your birth rate. The Supreme Court ruling doesn't change our mission. If anything, it makes our mission a thousand times louder. In the coming weeks, we'll bring you expert interviews and resources to help you get informed and involved, no matter which state you live in. For now, I encourage you to make your voice heard in our society, in your community,

and especially in the bedroom. And also remember, if you've benefited from anything you've heard on Sex with Emily, consider sharing the podcast with a friend and welcoming them into the Sex with Emily community. As always, I'm here for you as a resource, and you can always reach out to me with questions, comments, and concerns at feedback at sexwithemily.com or at sexwithemle.com slash ask Emily. What are some things when you think about sex that's still scary? You know, what are the things

that you still have fears around? When I think about what I do here, my job and in talking to all of you, a big part of it is breaking through those fears around sex that hold us back. A lot of it is just that we're afraid of getting rejected, we're afraid of asking for what we want. And when I really started to think about, like, what are we so afraid of, right? Like, we're sex, like, if we could just break through, we're our own worst enemies.

We're so afraid of talking about sex, we're so afraid of being vulnerable. Maybe we're afraid of being naked with a partner because they're all, once they see it's naked, they're never going to want to go through with this. Or once they see my penis, it'll be over. Once I show who I authentically am to my partner, they're going to break up with me. I really want to talk dirty,

but what if I sound stupid? I'm afraid, you know, afraid, afraid, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear. It's all fear. It's all fear. So I thought, let's break through the things that scare us. Let's break through our fears, because I'm telling you, remember, fear, false evidence appearing real.

It's our false evidence. You know, what do they say? We're the judge and the juror. We make up the rules around things that we're going to be afraid of, and then we, you know, what do they say? We're the judge and the juror. We make up the rules around things that we're going to be afraid of and then we, you know, abide by them. We're like, oh, well, this will be awful. I mean, I can never tell my partner, I want to be spanked. I can never make a noise during sex. I'm so afraid that they're going to think I sound weird. And we are holding ourselves back from actually having the sex that we deserve and that we want. So I want to know from you, what is holding you back sexually?

What are you still afraid of? And how can I help you break through it? Even just the next step. Believe me, there's a lot of power in just stating it out loud saying, oh, this is something that kind of gives me a lot of anxiety when it comes to sex. You'll realize the power holds a view and then we're going to stating it out loud, saying, oh, this is something that kind of gives me a lot of anxiety when it comes to sex. You'll realize the power it holds of you and then we're going to wipe it out this week. Okay, we're going to wipe it out, get rid of your fears. Some people, including myself, historically in the past, I was afraid of period sex. What if I got my period,

what if I blood, what if something happened? Sydney 20 in California is calling about this very thing almost on cue. Hi Sydney, thanks for calling. How can I help? Hi. Oh my god. We actually answered. Yes. It's so perfect. I was like, yes, that is one of the things we're so afraid if we get our period, right? Yeah, definitely. So I just started dating my partner recently, like within the past few months, and I actually have a really bad period. I guess you could say I get my period almost twice a month sometimes. Okay. And I've tried birth control before and the birth control actually somehow made it worse. So that happens. So I'm not on it anymore.

So of course I do get my period a lot and I've been reading a lot of stuff on period sex, like how it's supposedly magical, like the period of blood and all this stuff. Sounds a little weird, but I've really been wanting to try it and my partner has also been wanting to try it but I just like, I've heard so many scary stories about period sex and like the blood getting everywhere.

Like I just want to know like first how to calm down my anxiety and get how to prepare for it, I guess. Sydney, this is such a great question. I can't tell you so many of us can relate to this. There's no rules around it. There's some women who think it feels amazing. They're like, oh, God, period sex. I'm really horny and it feels really good. And then some women feel like it's more painful. So really, you just have to try it out and see how it feels to you. That's one thing. The other thing is, I mean, how, yeah, blood can get everywhere and how

you prepare for it is you just throw down a towel. Throw it down two towels. Throw it down the towels that you can wash or the ones, you know, the beach towels, the things you don't care about. And if you think you're gonna get it, just keep it, I always keep a towel by my bed. Just in case I've got a towel, like right next to my bed, I actually have this sex towel.

Someone's just like a sex sheet, someone's set me. But you could use any towel and then just bleach it because, you know, when I've loved for your 20 years old, because I wish I knew this at 20 that it really wasn't a big deal. Cause I'm going to tell you like for me, if I'm the first two days of my period, I've beg cramps, so I don't actually want to have sex. But then a few days in, I just tell my partner, I'm like, oh, my period,

and we just throw down a towel. So I think that's how you prepare for it and you go slow. And you just see how it feels, but I don't think there's anything to be shameful about. And I think that some how you prepare for it and you go slow. And you just see how it feels. But I don't think there's anything to be shameful about. And I think that some people might think it feels amazing. And I do believe that women's menstruation is magical. You know, we give life. It's where the power source is.

It's the creative force of life. So I do think there's some truth to that. But I think that it really gets a bad rap because women have been shamed for it. What I love is that you're going to be able to change a narrative because so many a bad rap because women have been shamed for it. What I love is, you're going to be able to change the narrative because so many women are grossed out because they think their partners are. But if you're like, yeah, I'm with a partner, let's bring it on.

I got my period. You'll realize that it's not a big deal at all. Because we all bleed, right? So I mean, that's how I would prepare for it. I would just go slow and see how it feels. And I think you'll get to figure out your rhythm. I'm really glad you got off the pill. When did you get off of it, Sydney?

So I've been on and off of it in high school with my first time taking it. I was on acutane. It's like an acne medication. And I had to be on birth control for it. And before that, my period wasn't as bad as it is now. It was just like, once I started the birth control in high school, it's just like, God worse and worse.

So I was only on it for like six months. I went off of it for quite a few years and I just started calling to a couple of years ago. I think about a year ago was when I started the pill again, but I was only on it for like six months and I kept telling myself like, it's gonna only on it for like six months and I kept telling myself like, it's going to get better, it's going to get better, your period is going to go away and it never did.

So what's opposite now. So what we're finding now, Sydney, is that the pill has a lot of side effects for women. And we used to just think it was this benign pill, just take a pill, it doesn't really count. But what happens is you could go on and even just for a few months or a few years, and then when you go off of it for many women, their period is never the same again because it really messes with our hormones. And so if you read up on it,

that if you get educated or you get interested in your flow and your cycle, and you take some of these tips, a lot of it has to do with diet, avoiding caffeine, certain times of month, avoiding certain foods, not having coffee when you first wake up in the morning. Before the pill, we mentioned to have these kind of problems,

and now we're finding there's a lot of side effects. So what might have happened is that you became dysregulated, right, and your body was never able to catch up because when we go on the pill, we're actually suppressing our immune system, we're suppressing our normal ovulation cycle, and we can't just snap our fingers and our body gets back to how it was before.

And then you are on the acutane, and so you will get it back on track. There's nothing wrong with you, but I don't like that you are having periods twice a month and they're really heavy, but I wish I knew this at your age, Sydney, that I could take matters as my own hands. So I would recommend just kind of reading up on it and just seeing what you could do.

And there could just maybe, maybe there's some supplements you could take because you're young and I don't want you to go back on the pill to solve it because if that won't work, I think that's part of the problem. So anyway, that's, yeah. And so I think is that, does that answer your question about period sex? Because really it's just blood. It's blood, it's just a little bloodier, but I don't actually find it that different to be honest But maybe some other women do like I said sometimes it's really painful for me

So does before so does a week before my period like when I'm ovulating it hurts a little bit because your Servic straps and so I realized over the years I never knew what that was so that can kind of happen But again every woman's different. Yeah definitely. Does that help? Of course. I'm majoring in sociology and I wanted to pursue a career in criminology but I started listening to your podcast and it's really making me want to change my career path. So thank you. Of course Sydney keeping touch. I'm here for you. Okay? I'm so glad to hear it.

We need more smart sex educators, more young women out there doing this work. Thanks, honey. Have a good night. Thanks for calling by Sydney. I love that there's so many young people now who are in college and actually looking at a career in sex education because of social work.

There really wasn't as many people doing this. Definitely not when I started 15 years ago and now there's a lot more people who are finding interest in it. And so I love that. We're here to help you too. Figure it out. Fear is fierce. What do you guys, any fears that you guys have here on my Zoom, a colon or OV? Do you guys have any things that you think are still holding you back, actually?

I think the fear of rejection is something that I often fall into. I don't know. There's honestly so many. Right? Fear of rejection, like making a move and being rejected. Yeah, I think that it's something where I'm usually less interested than my partner is. I don't know. I think I have a fear that something is too good to be true a lot of the times, even with like work and stuff like that, I'll be like, oh, like if I really

like something, then like it's usually going to get taken away, just like myself with like past childhood experiences. So kind of like having to reassure myself that that's not the case and that it's like all in my head. Yeah, yeah, that is, there you go. And how you break through it, I guess is putting yourself out there enough to realize that that's just, you might get rejected sometimes, we all get rejected, but then you also might not. Something that I kind of thought through myself was that, if someone rejects you as usually not personal, they might be going through their own thing or a lot of the time, people always think that it has to do with them, but most of the time, other people are focusing on themselves so much that it's not really about you.

It's never what you think, yeah, it's very wise. That is true. I mean, telling you what I can tell you, I have years of evidence of that, is that it's never what you think. It's the things that we worry about. That's why it's fear is false evidence appearing real. People are sort of obsessed with themselves. They might reject you, but it's not for what you think. It might be, it's usually where they're at in their lives. If you think about it, usually what we judge in others, we fear in ourselves. Usually we've reaction to things based on our history.

It's like when you are dating somebody, you're showing up with your whole history of Attachment and they're showing up with there. It's almost like there's six people in every relationship There's like your parents and their parents, right? I mean, what were your issues that you grew up with or your styles of You know fear for maybe yeah when you were younger Maybe you're you got excited for things that didn't happen ovis, so you're like well I cannot be excited for anything But it's so wise that you know that at your age too, because it's just, I don't know, it's constantly, literally I always say all day every day,

bringing yourself back to the present moment, checking in with yourself, checking your own facts, is this true? Does it serve me? What about you, Colin? From a man, what do you get, anything that's fearful that's held you back? Yeah, this is kind of a different view of the question, but I get just in the moment,

just right in the moment of like right before having sex, I get scared of how long it's going to take. I get like, do we really have enough time for this before I want to go to bed? Really? Because you're asleep, you're like, I need eight hours. Yeah, I just have this thing in my head about, I was just going to take so much effort and so much time, even though it's going to be really fun. That's so funny. Are you afraid that it's going to take you a while to

jackulate or your wife or just in general? And I love this your wife, because you still get it. Like, things don't go away, right? Yeah, both, both me taking a long time and her and just honestly, it's just nice saying it out loud to you. I feel like just saying it out loud like shows me how ridiculous of a fear it is. It's real though, right?

It's real. And then what if you could, now that you've said out loud the next time you're with or you could be like, you'll be like, oh, how long are you like, oh, wait, I'm super psyched. I get to have sex right now. And that's it's trading your brain. It's this exact moment. See, there is power. Listen, if you just call up and tell me right now you're afraid of, I'm telling you, it will no longer have the same hold on you. So let's have to Joey 38 in New York. Hi, Joey. What's going on? Thanks for calling.

Joey 38 in New York. Hi Joey, what's going on? Thanks for calling. Hey Emily, I don't know if you remember but I called like previously. Like I wanted to share my fetish with my girlfriend. Yes, you're familiar. Tell me what happened. So I told her about it and she really embraced it. She's really into it. And it worked out really well. Joey, I'm so glad. Wait, tell me what was your fetish again just so we can share with the listeners. Oh, it was spandex.

Like I really love when you were, yeah. Nice. I'm so glad. So what happened? So you called in because you wanted to know if you should share it with her, you were maybe afraid to share it. And then you shared it and she was like, cool.

I would love that. I'm like, I'll let me give you some, I like hunts, Bandex. This is it. You face to fear. And now you're getting your fetish, your fantasy, taken care of. Yeah. What does it look like?

Are you buying her things? Are you guys go shopping for Bandex? Is she wearing it in the bedroom? I'm just curious now. Well, it's like, it's really great. Because she loves wearing it for me all the time. She knows how turned on I get from it. And like, we go shopping and all.

And like, I buy it for her. And it's just like really adds to our sex life and really enhances everything. Yeah, that's what happens. Joey, I'm so glad that that has worked out for you. It must be a relief. And it must be pretty exciting right now to not be living with that secret. Yeah, like I'm really going and I took your advice and took the lead and you know put myself out there. Me too, Joey, right? You see how it's really enhanced your sex life by stating your truth in a healthy way. Joey, I'm so glad you made my night.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, I love it. Thank you. I'm thank you for sharing that with me. Anything else we need to know? About it. Just really happy. Just want to thank you for your great advice.

Mm. Joey, I'm here for you. I'm so glad you called back in and came me posted. I think that's such a great, you know, how long had you had this fetish without telling somebody? Um, like forever. Like your 38, so 20 years. Yeah, I mean, look at that.

And I think that that's what we forget, right? That our partners want to please us. If we love our partners, we care. We want to be great lovers and say, okay, I'm or something spandex. That's really cool, Joey. It's all about that. It is all about that. Now you can continue to grow together and figure out what she's into and love it.

No more fear. Have a good night, Joey. Think about it, you guys. Joey, I didn't even tell him to call. I didn't ask Joey to call and say that he faced a fear. And hopefully this is a wake up call for you. Whatever you are holding onto right now and whatever you really want to try with your partner and you're not trying, I mean, he's third,

I can just imagine if it's a fetish, meaning like he's had it, a fetish means it's actually a requirement for you to be your most aroused. That's just like a fantasy. Like, oh, it would be nice to have a threesome or it would be nice if my girlfriend wore spandex. It's like he has linked up spandex with his arousal. His arousals linked to spandex.

And so for 20 plus years, Joey is holding on to it, afraid of rejection, afraid that someone wouldn't be down with it. Maybe he was afraid people would make fun of him or they would leave him, but nope, he brought it up. And she's like, great, I'm down, let's go shopping and then she gets off because he's excited about it. Do you guys see that? That is what happens nine out of ten times. I would even say in this show ten out of ten times because if your partner rejects you for what you're truly into, then you get to ask yourself, is this really my person and that's okay too. We all deserve pleasure. We'll be right back. Let's talk to Melissa 32 in North Carolina. Hey Melissa. Hey, how you doing? How can I help?

Well, kind of a morbid story. I hate to do that to you, but I'll be there. OK, we all are going to. Yeah, I'm in a relationship with my wonderful fiancee, and we're actually expecting our first child, and we're very excited about that. But recently, I've had a lot of issues with him wanting to have sex in the middle of the night. Like, you'll wake up from a dream. Just turn on, he'll come over and try and initiate sex.

And he did that once and I had this massive flashback of a really terrifying event and I started going to counseling and we were doing a specialized therapy and found out that, you know, this was me relieving sexual abuse that I had gone through as a child. Wow. And so now I'm just terrified of, you know, he likes to do things at night and I'm afraid I'm going to have another flashback and I don't want it to affect our relationship. Yeah, wow. Okay, well, Melissa, I'm so glad you called in and congratulations on being pregnant and expecting your first child and and I'm really glad you went to therapy for that and so I first of all I love that it's a you know that's out in the open and you know if you've had a sexual assault and you've had something

scary happen it would make sense that when someone startles you and makes you up in the middle of the night that that would be really hard so I'm sorry and Is it something? Now you said you went to a specialized therapy because what I was going to suggest is EMDR therapy. I movement. Oh you did it. Okay. Great. So how long go did you do it? And how often? I've been doing it for probably around eight months now. I was going every week and now we've backed off to maybe once a month just because as of lately, I've found out that I'm having a little girl. And of course, now I'm starting to have worries about, okay, now that the girl, am I going to have issues

as she's going through her developmental house films and it's trying to make me shut up my own worries and start worrying about her even though I'm not worrying about my fiance whatsoever. Right, right, right. Well, that makes sense. I mean, and you said you're still in the therapy. When you were going more regularly to the therapy, did you feel that it helped you with some of these fears and some of these anxieties? Absolutely. I mean, it helped because I was starting to remember things. I had absolutely no idea that this happened.

I had suppressed it for so long. And now that I remember things are making a lot of sense. But of course, the more I remembered, the more flashbacks I started having. And it was very difficult to almost train my fiance to know what to happen if he experienced one of those and how to kind of talk me out of it. And so that's why we took a little break because it was becoming very often that that

was happening. Oh, wow. I'm sorry. You're going through this. But, Melissa, I'm really glad that you are actually tackling all of this at 32 with your first child coming. I mean, I would recommend some more, um, maybe some more therapy. If you can, if you can go back and see your therapist, I was able to do my EMDR

on Zoom during the quarantine. There's like some kind of system you could use on the computer, but do you ever do any like mindful practices? Cause it sounds like there's a lot going on. So of course you're having flashbacks and then, you know, being pregnant with your first child also can, if you're having flashbacks and then being pregnant with your first child also can, if you naturally are more worried about things, it would be heightened.

And so I'm wondering if you have any coping skills around helping your anxiety. Like for me, meditation really, really helps. I just have that to learn it, to sit and breathe through something and then get really present. Because when you're present with worry, it can't, presence cancels out worry. Presence cancels out anxiety.

And the more you can get yourself in that state, there's some great apps right now, like free meditation apps. I love Insight Timer. It might just help you if you do it like 10 minutes a day, it's a practice, it's kind of like exercise for your brain. And I maybe we'll get back into therapy, you know, it's such a good time to go. You have a huge, you's a practice, it's kind of like exercise for your brain. And I maybe would get back into therapy, it's such a good time to go, you have a huge change coming up and transition,

having a child, what do you do? I'm doing the end of January. Okay, I would try to see what you could do for some self-care right now, if you have time. I would start a meditation practice. Are you exercising or moving your body at all? That really helps too. Yeah, actually that was, I mean, there's both hilarious.

That was my coping mechanism before I used to run Spartan races. I was a zoom in structure. Of course, I can't be as active as I was, you know, a year ago because I'm carrying around all this extra baggage now. But I still try and remain active. I'm a healthcare provider during the pandemic. So it's just go, go, go. You've been going at it.

Well, I mean, if you can, in terms of we need each other to, you know, we may have like, you probably know what to do, but I'm going to tell you right now that if you can maybe get back into therapy once a week, you know, sometimes I tape her off and go to once a month and then I go back every other week because I just think it's a really, you know, important part of my mental health and well-being and then a little bit of meditation, you know, like I said, at insight time where you can even just sort by, you know, meditations for anxiety and if it's, you don't have to just sit there and breathe. It sometimes is just a 10 minute calming exercise because the more you do it,

in the moment when you're having worrying thoughts, you'll know, oh, I can go back to this moment and breathe. I can go back and feel my body on my feet on the floor. I can breathe. I can, you know, so, I mean, that's what I would recommend. I mean, you're doing all the right things. Maybe you want to get another EMDR therapist if you feel, unless she's working for you,

that's great. Sometimes it's good to mix things up. I love that you're so self-aware and that you're actually able to name it and say this is what is happening and it's happening in the middle of the night and it's happening, you know, thinking about my daughter. So I would just say do the things that you're already doing but kind of step it up and I would still try to move your body and exercise if you can and breathe and just don't be hard in yourself because it's a lifelong process, you know, but I think that you can get breathe and just don't be hard on yourself because it's a lifelong process

you know but I think that you can get better at managing it. We can all improve you know. You're right. I mean I know a lot of the things that do for myself. It's more so I guess trying to convince him that it's not him. He's getting very self-conscious and Is it me? Is this why it is that it's not you? I promise you it's not you. It's so common. I have to tell you that this is such a big thing. This is why we don't often talk about sex because we feel so rejected by our partners.

Whenever they don't want sex, we assume it's us. That's our problem. And so I think that just letting him know, you could even say that we talked, you could say, I want you to know as nothing to do with you. I'm working on it. I love you. I'm attracted to you.

Let's try to have sex on Saturday mornings instead of Saturday night. Just for now, I understand that too. You know, since we can't imagine, like, how could it not be me? You know, somewhere in this messed up zero sex education we get, we somehow link up with our part of it doesn't want sex with us that we did something wrong. But that's very rarely is that the case. I mean, maybe for a fight or, you know, they cheated and we haven't built trust up again, and we resent our partner for not helping on the, how things build up. So, and I would think just your husband, you guys could listen to some of these shows together. A lot of couples listen to sex with them lead together. Sometimes our partner just need a little bit

more education or they need to hear it from someone else else so it's not them. However, you think your husband will be able to hear the message and feel safe and you can just keep reinforcing and give yourself love and compassion for what you're going through and then also reassure him that it's not about him and find other ways he needs to be loved and supported right now. But take care of yourself. You're carrying a little life in you. So. Yeah. Thank you. I appreciate it. Of course. I was terrified to call and speak about this,

but I know that there's probably many, many people out there in a similar situation. So it's good for them to know they're not alone and it's OK to speak up. Yeah, Melissa, thank you so much. I am telling you this helped so many people listening. I know it. We're all nodding our heads here too. And're like, oh, and sending you lots of love.

Thank you. Thank you. And thanks for calling. I appreciate it. Take care of yourself. You know, that's what we're saying here is that it is a little bit scary calling in. And I get it. You're like, oh, God, I start talking. You know, but what I've found in 15 years of doing this, that once you call in and just that first moment, you just kind of sink into it. And then you realize that by stating those things

that we think we can't say and the things that we're so afraid of, it takes away its power. It takes away the charge by saying it out loud. And not only that much like what Melissa said, it also helps others. I'm sure there's a lot of other people listening right now who also have fears around trauma

around sex and hopefully that will allow people to take this next steps in their healing journey as well. Don't go anywhere after word far sponsors. I'm answering a call from Julie who can't stop thinking about her ex. Let's talk to Julie Forty in California. Hi Dr. Emily. Hello. How can I help you? What's going on? Okay. Let me give you a little bit of a back story.

I met this guy 17 years ago, was my first true love, first mind-blowing orgasm. Sex was amazing because of financial difficulties, our relationship didn't last. We both went our separate ways, difficulties are relationship during life. We both went our separate ways. I'm still in contact with his sister. You know, I've had other relationships, but it's been 15 years now that we've been broken up. And I don't remember about him, but when I do, it's because something has happened to him the first time he got into a car accident. A few years later or so, he broke a note. And just recently he was quarantined for COVID and in that time his brother had passed away. And so my question is how do I stop? I think it's a weird connection. Yeah.

We actually talked just recently. And it was a good talk, but now I can get a hint out of my mind. Everything reminds me of him. And I don't know if that's good for me. I don't know. It's just very crazy. Yeah, no, Julia, it sounds like it. Have you seen him in 15 years or you just talked to on the phone? No, this, like I said, I'm French with the sister, so I may have seen pictures of family events and he may have been in okay got it but since we broke up i have not had one word with him up until

like a week or two ago and how did you know that these things happen to him when you had a dream about him i would ask his sister to feel k and she would just kind of she would just write yeah you think you feel connected to now we need here's a thing i i feel like it's funny that you're not funny, but interesting you're calling about this because a lot of people email me and call about sex with the earth dreaming about the rec.

It's not necessarily, sometimes sex with the rec. But what my belief is that when we dream about an ex, it's oftentimes because it's reminiscent of a time in our life that relationship represents a part of ourself that maybe we are feeling really connected to and maybe it's your youth or it was really young love. And so we want that thrill again. We want that excitement, but I don't believe that it's necessarily that you should be with

him. And so if you can somehow get peace that there's some kind of maybe soulful connection you have, you had your first love, I always think that my love when I had in my early 20s was just, it was so pure and so raw, I'd never love that much as an adult. And so I don't think it's about him per se, but it was about me at that time and learning to love and being away from home. So I don't know what it is for you, but unless you want to see him again,

or you, but even then, I actually just don't think it means what we'd like to think it means. I mean, are you asking me, like, does it mean you should be with him or? I just, I, you know, I don't even know that. I just think it's like, how do I stop thinking about him now?

Because we haven't had a conversation in years and well, how come? Yeah, I think it just has like a text conversation. Would you ever want to talk to him on the phone? We never want to talk to him on the phone. Our phone conversation. Or see him. We did have a phone conversation.

Okay, how was that? It was good. It was just like, we talked about the good. We talked about the bad. So, you know, we have some laughs, and I shed a couple of tears, you know, talked about our relationship, and just possibility of a fight and a workout.

And, well, why don't you see it? Would you ever want to see him? Would you ever want to just get coffee with him, or, I mean, what's preventing him? I would, but I would, however, he's married. He's married. He's about the person. No, no, no, no.

If you're an ex-jurent ex and he's like, I don't know why I'm talking to you, but I am. You know? Yeah. I mean, if we were both at fault in the relationship, there was no cheating. It was just, we were young. 15 years ago, you were 25. When I went to the club, yeah. I mean, come on. I can't even, yeah, there are things in our, I mean, you're a whole different person right now.

So, well, do you want to see him or do you not, because there's a few ways to go here. You could just call him and say, I think we should meet up and see, you know, see if there's a connection. If he's not in a relationship and you're not in a relationship, and it wasn't an abusive or toxic, who knows? You hear things like that all the time that people go to their high school reunion 30 years later and fall in love with their high school sweetheart again, that could happen. But if you're telling me you don't want to do that, then I would start a practice of every time you think about him, let's think of a thought that you could replace it with.

Like, I am deserving of great love and passion. Or I will find my love, you know, my partner, or something like that that you could replace it with, because then eventually you can retrain your brain. But if you also think, well, maybe I should just meet him up and see what happens, you know, you could try that as well. So decide which way you want to go with it. Yeah. Okay. And that's the thing I brought that up to him and he hasn't responded to that. Oh, OK. Well, it sounds like you want to meet up with him.

So I would just, you've nothing to lose here. I mean, yeah, maybe he could reject you. Maybe you won't even be attracted to him. But to me, if you're both single and you had talked on the phone for a few hours, maybe he's fearful too. Maybe he has, who knows, maybe he really isn't a relationship and we don't know. But it could be helping you face your fear.

I would just push it. I don't, maybe he didn't really think you wanted to. Maybe he's got something she's shameful of. But it sounds like you guys are still connected in a way. I mean, I would love to have coffee with my ex from 15 years ago. I think it would be a blast. So not even because I want to be with them.

I just think it's part of our history, which is why we often never forget our exes because we bonded, we loved, we connected, you share so much with people that you love. And so I think it says a lot that they just don't go away, right? But sometimes, you know, we attach to meaning when we don't have to. So I say you got nothing to lose. You're a grown woman and see what happens.

Let me know. I'm pleased. Please do. I'm here for it. We are all going to wait to hear back from you. OK? Take care of yourself, Julie. I'm really glad you called.

I really do. I can't wait to hear it. I love when you guys call me back and tell me what happened. That's what I want. I live for. I mean, no pressure. But honestly, talk to a lot of you the last two years. What has happened since?

Fears that are holding you back sexually, intimately, romantically with a partner once you state your fear out loud. It takes away the power, right? We're only as sick as your secrets. You ever hear that saying? I think it's from like a kind of an AA thing. We're only as sick as our secrets, meaning the more secrets we have, they actually make us sick. Whatever we hold on to, right? You're holding on to sharing a fantasy with a partner. You hold on to, you know, your fear that you're going to look bad in the bedroom or you're going to do something wrong. So then you just keep worrying and worrying and

then that worry compound itself. And I was thinking and thinking about this show tonight, I was thinking like, what are the fears that I've had? And I know that I definitely had fears around talking about sex. I think I didn't even know that it was okay to ask a partner for what I wanted or to tell them to do something different because number one, I didn't know what I wanted. So I knew if I said to a partner, you know, you have partners who say, does this, oh Emily, does this feel good? And I would just say, yeah, whatever you're doing feels great. Because I knew if I said no, they'd say, well, what else? And I didn't know what was on the menu. So I just wouldn't say anything.

And even now, it's not my favorite thing to tell my partner what I want. It's not my favorite thing to ask for, but it still can be challenging. But now that I know what to do, I know how to do it. And I think I had fears about not being good enough in the bedroom and fears around intimacy. And I had fears around showing who I really was to a partner and being vulnerable.

I definitely have fears around vulnerability. I got a wall built up. I didn't want to be the first one to make a move. I didn't want to be the first one to express my feelings with fear of being hurt. And then once you realize that that's your fear, then I then I've realized that once I start putting myself out there, and I never really understood that meant either put yourself out there, and I never really started with that man, either put yourself out there. I was like, oh, God, that sounds awful. But once you do, and you say, you know what? I have feelings for you,

or I want to take this to another level, or I want to try to sing in the bedroom, whatever it is, you realize that you're being your best advocate. And then if it's something you truly want in USport, and then your partner says, nah, I'm not into that, or oh, I would never do that, or they make you feel bad about it. Well, then you have more, then you have useful information. And then you know, doesn't mean you're a bad person.

It means that you actually, if you look at it this way, you're closer to getting your needs met. You're closer to finding a partner who is interested in fulfilling your needs and being a good lover to you. So I think you actually win. You are able to be the architect of a life that you actually want when you face your fears and everywhere of your life.

And every asking your boss for something that you want to raise or having a confrontation with a friend, setting boundaries is really scary. But once you set boundaries, it's just a game changer. But all those things are really scary because we don't have a lot of practice, especially if our primary caregivers didn't practice boundaries or practice fulfilling our needs. So we're on this journey learning. We asked this question to our Instagram audience, sex with Emily.

What scares you in the bedroom? Farting. I can't wait for people to get over that one. So what? Everyone farts. Keep going. Not a big deal. Napping good enough.

If I enjoyed swinging and my wife would enjoy a bigger penis over mine, that's a huge swinging fear. I just wish that I could get this into all of your heads. All the guys, can you get this into your little head that you are more obsessed with your penis than your partner is? I promise you that. I promise you that your partner, if she's going to agree to swing, it's not because she's like on the hunt for a bigger penis.

That just doesn't happen. If someone's going to leave you, it will not be because of your penis. I promise you. She won't like how my come taste on a certain day. I get that. I get that fear, but also that's why we healthy diet is so important. And also so what? You know what?

We are what we eat and sometimes things taste differently, but I don't think it means the world's going to end. So why do we not give ourselves any slack when it comes to sex? We're all perfectionists, right? We all think sex should be this cookie cutter experience and every time it should be beautiful and perfect with rainbows and flowers and sunshine every time. That is not a reality. Like sex does not look like that for anybody.

Maybe in the movies, maybe in porn, no one's farting and no one's spitting out your splooge because it tastes the best. Like, that shit doesn't happen. I never say splooge, I can't help it, but that's what happened. Okay, him being turned off by my body because I have no booty.

A lot of us are worried about how we look in the bedroom, right? Once we accept ourselves, really, I swear to God, once you love your body, or even like your body, you won't be thinking about these things anymore. It's a practice. Hemorrhoids, sometimes after Aina, I don't want my part to see.

I get that, just use a lot of lube. You can. Hemorrhoids. Sometimes after anal, I don't want my part to see. I get that. Just use a lot of lube. You can avoid hemorrhoids if you breathe and go slow and use lube, being completely honest about what I want. Starting something new after divorce of 18 years of marriage. Yeah, I understand that fear. That is really scary. That is scary, but take baby steps.

Baby steps. It's a muscle dating, some muscle. If you haven't dated 18 years, it's going to really scary. That is scary, but take baby steps. Baby steps. You know, it's a muscle dating, it's a muscle if you haven't dated an 18 years, it's gonna be scary, do it anyway. That I won't come. It's a common one. Unintentional body noises. I know it's natural,

but it still feels so cringy every time. I get that. Again, I'm telling you, you get past that. I don't know, I think you do. You just ignore it. Not a big deal. Laugh. Keep going.

I kind of love our Instagram audience. This is really good. That will get bored or doesn't like it. That's also why I tend to put myself last, but I'm working on it. Yeah, we're all working on it. Nobody wants you to put yourself last, either, if you think about it. They just take advantage of the fact that you have put yourself last. You put yourself last.

Guess who else is going to put you last? Everyone. Literally everybody. Because if we don't become our best advocates, why would anyone else? We show people how we want to be treated. We model that to other people. Just remember that. So how you treat yourself is how others are going to treat you.

You're giving them the instruction manual. Not being able to get hard with a new person is also a fear. Happen two times right now. Yeah, I know. It's happening a lot. This is my fear around that too, is that there's so many more men I'm hearing from who can't get hard once or twice and then they keep not able to get hard. And I think, you know, we talk about this a lot, but just go perform on your partner for a minute,

your erectional come back, or talk about it with your partner, and then you'll realize it's not a big deal. And also a lot of erectile dysfunction is about blood flow. So it really helps to be in shape, exercise, watch what you eat, get the blood flowing everywhere. It's all blood flow. Same with your clitoris too.

Not being able to find my sexual partner, that's all blood flow. Same with your clitoris too. Not being able to find my sexual partner. That's also a fear. I get that. You will. The more you become your best sexual partner, isn't it crazy? This is so true though. The more you become your best sexual partner to yourself, you're more likely to find your partner. You know that whole thing like you complete me or you're looking for someone to complete you or be your better half. I never like that saying because that's assuming that you're showing up as a half person and that you are deficit in some way. But if you find somebody when you're feeling whole, you're more likely to find the right match. That's such good advice. It's true.

How do you think you can actually do that? What are the steps that someone should take if they want that to happen? To become a full person. Is that what you mean? Become yourself? It's a lifelong journey. And I think the first thing is recognizing

that you don't feel complete without a partner. A lot of people feel that way. And I think that's another thing that happens with society. Whenever your single everyone wants to know when you're going to settle down and you're going to find somebody, it's never okay to say I'm single. So I think that's part society pressure and part really, truly, authentically being comfortable in your skin, being alone, having a full life, having a rich life, and you know, with friends and doing things that interest you and living life on your own terms.

I believe when you have that, and you could take or leave a relationship truly and authentically, is when you find one. I can tell you that from experience and from talking to thousands of people. And so if you're finding yourself feeling broken or walking around, feeling like you are incomplete without a partner. So to answer your question over, that's the first step is identifying it and thinking, I'm totally a complete person and I'm going

to work on feeling okay. Because then you're showing up as like needy and you're less some, not always needy, but you're showing up even if it's semiminal, even if it's, I gotta find someone, I gotta find someone to feel complete. It's just you're putting that out there that I'm not enough. Let's talk to Kenny and Arizona. He had some thoughts on sex fears as well. Hi Kenny. Hi, Emily. It's been a while. I've called in. I don't know if you remember me. I'm the one who used to was writing down the stories and everything and it might be in my wife or playing them out and everything.

Yes. Oh my God. Kenny. Of course, we talk about you all the time about the piano that you wrote a rata car for her. Yes. Yes. Yes. That is kind of died down and we just have a really good sex life. That happens maybe once a month or like a day or something. That's what's a month is better than mine that's amazing Kenny yeah right um so what about people just going in just i know it's hard to change through having a fear but what about just trying to be you know maybe you're playing a role of someone who's fearless and then that helps you become fearless in general. There's times where I would never have thought in a million years where my wife and I would

end up having sex in the closet in the morning while our daughter strapped into her high chair and we just knock out a quickie real quick just out of the spur of a moment. That's all. And everything. And it's, yeah, and it, I mean, and she could literally happen today. That's why they'd be kind of think of the list of you. And she called me. She's like, I can't stop thinking about that. And of course, I'm a truck driver, so I left and I'll be home tomorrow. And now she's like, I'm going to, I'm, she wants to write her and I'll be home tomorrow and now she's like I'm gonna I'm she wants to write her own erotica. Oh my god.

Play it out this weekend and I'm like what did I do? Did I create a monster? Yeah, a really good monster. I mean, I love your story Kenny. I mean, I really do see that's really beautiful. How long have you guys been together? It'll be 10 years in December. This is going to be our 10 year anniversary. Oh, happy anniversary. I love this. I love that you, you, I mean, just to tell everyone that you, you actually wrote her story, erotica, of what your fantasy was, and you left it for her. And then you came home and she had totally acted out the fantasy shoes, wearing the thing, the black lacy thingacy thing i believe and by the piano i still am i was like i was there

that's something but kenny i think it's really inspired because i think that shows that you guys are putting effort into your sex life and it's as a result of that ten years in it's still going strong you it's sex in the pantry yeah and we what like i never would have expected to like do anything like this by white all what's what's the three, if you manifest it?

Oh, Meditate Mastermate Manifest. Yes, thank you. That's why you're the doctor. Yes, it's true. I mean, what else? Because if we don't manifest what we want, then we live in anxiety and fear. And then that happens.

But if we're like, this will happen, this is what I want, this is what I feel, and then we meditate on it and mastermate on it, that shit's gonna happen, this works. Exactly, it works, and you brought up that word, fear. You're fearless in any type of relationship, but I've told friends this, if you're fearless, you know what, turn off your mind and roleplay. Be somebody

else. Be somebody else. That's a really good point. Going back to your earlier point. Yes. I think you're right. That's why roleplaying is so powerful for so many people is that if you can suspend belief in a for a moment and you could you just think, okay, you know what, I can't be this fearless person. I'm afraid. I'm just going to go in and I'm going to be my alter ego. I'm going to go in as a strong confident man. It's amazing what can happen. You're like, I'm not myself right now and I think that's why a lot of couples love role playing too because you can just kind of take away the blame.

That's what we love acting or improv. It's just like be something else. Show up as somebody who is confident. It's like that fake it so you make it or act the part. You're an inspiration, Kenny. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast

and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739. A go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to A-Cast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.

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