Sex With Emily - Getting Sexually Literate with Isabella Frappier

Episode Date: February 5, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is joined by sex educator, writer and contributor for the SWE site Isabella Frappier to talk about her sexual liberation work – as well as how to take charge of your own sexual destiny.They discuss what it means to have sexual sovereignty and whether everyone can achieve it, how you can partake in BDSM and still feel like your partner respects you, and why our sexual pasts don’t need to dictate our sexual futures. Plus, a little sex magic – what is it?!Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFor more info on Isabella, visit http://www.isabellafrappier.com/ For a discount on Isabella’s course or eBook, use code SEXWITHEMILYFor even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit http://sexwithemily.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's so much easier for so many people to like, you know, spank someone or put a butt plug in, then just open your eyes during sex and really look at your partner. That's a really easy way to bring more presence and pleasure into your sex life. Just opening your eyes. Connected. Yeah, connected sex. And like if eye gazing is too much, like just look at their body, look at the beautiful way it ripples and their curves and then dimples and everything and just what can you smell? What can you taste? Look their skin just really engage in your senses if I gazing feels like too much. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show

I'm joined by Sex Educator and writer for the Sex with Emily site is a Bella Frappier to talk about her sexual liberation work as well as how to take charge of your own sexual destiny. Topics include, what does it mean to have sexual sovereignty and can everyone achieve it? When it comes to BDSM practices, how can you do it and still feel like your partner respects you? Why are sexual pasts don't need to dictate our sexual futures and sex magic? What the heck is that? All this and more, thanks for listening. Betrubized, they called them in a fight on me. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken,

he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, but all of it? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. So, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. You can find us on all social media.

It is at Sex with Emily across the board. And starting this year, we have intentions with Emily. So what I'd love you guys to do is start off by setting an intention for the show. And I'm going to do that and I encourage you all to do the same. So what I mean is like when you're listening right now, what do you want to get out of listening to this episode? How can it help you? Maybe you're like, what the hell is sexual liberation?

Or I really wanted to get in some like dominant submission play with my partner, or how do I just take back my sexuality and be in charge? Look at any of those things. And then that will be in your mind as you're listening. My intention for the show is I really wanted to give you guys insight like how to reclaim your pleasure and sexuality. This might be the first time you actually are inspired to tap into it. So enjoy the show. So excited to welcome my guest Isabella Frappier is a pleasure anarchist and sexuality I'm excited to welcome my guest, Isabella Frappier, is a pleasure anarchist and sexuality liberator. Focus on body literacy, sexual sovereignty,

Isabella works with clients in 101 video sessions, which is so smart. And in group workshops to help them embrace her sexuality. I mean, look at this, you can see corporate aspects of feminist BDSM. We got to get into that. Sex, magic, and astrology, host of the Sex, magic podcast,

and you guys, you gotta check this out, featured in the new Netflix series from Goop. Amazing, I'm so excited to have you here. Thank you so much. Is it about all? Thanks for coming in. That's so excited to chat with you. I'm excited.

Okay, so first off, we first connected because you helped, we were ready with our site, we sex with Emily, so how did that help working with us? Was that, how did that help you with your own sexuality and your work at all? Was that a, that's a beautiful question. It gave me this incredible platform to write about things I was really, really passionate about

and be able to sort of spread that message a bit wider as well as it was so fun working with Jamie Leccio and give me these proms. So I'm gonna have me research these things I had never heard about. So it actually really, really deepened my personal and professional sexual practice. I love it. You guys can check out all of Isabella's stuff on the style of her blogs. So many blogs. So many. You've done so well. So I'm so excited. So tell me about the work,

like, explain to me the work that you do. I will. It's a bit confusing for people. It's definitely an uncharted road, and it's not one that I just sort of work out and picked. It's a bit confusing for people. It's definitely an uncharted road and it's not one that I just sort of woke up and picked. It's one that I slowly walked down and just kept following the call of what felt right and what people were needing from me. So about 10 years ago, I devoted my life to women's wellness and just did so much research, so much learning and education. And that was so fantastic. And it led me to the point of being a birthdulla. And I was super excited about that

because I love women, I love birthing folk, I love birth, I thought it was gonna be this like powerful, magical, transcendent thing. And in a way it was, but it was also really painful to see the trauma that took place through, like I did a lot of Western medicalized birth support. Okay. So, like, knocking into that too much,

but it was a lot to bear witness to, and a lot to support through. What was my understanding that people hire dolers when they don't wanna go to the Western medicine room? A lot of people think that, but it's actually like, any type of birth is perfect to have a dollar, and I would definitely recommend birth dollars for hospital birth specifically because it's a really overwhelming stressful

time in your life. And it's really nice to have someone there that just has your back and is going to protect you like you need to focus on being in labor. You can't focus on like, oh, what's that thing they're putting in my IV? That's like a birthdule is job to focus on. Okay. So going through that and then doing postpartum support, what it are happening is that I was really supporting these women and birthing folk in healing from their sexual trauma that had happened through the birth, as well as kind of a lifetime of sexual trauma of being a woman and existing in this planet. And the birth experience can be quite a catalyst for that.

So often there's just a lot to process and unpack. So as someone who's professionally trained to be a birth doula, really I would say a huge part of that training is being trained in how to hold space for someone and how to really support and care for someone without projecting your own trauma and your own past baggage onto them

or trying to fix them. What you're actually doing is listening, holding space, and helping awaken the wisdom they have because everyone knows how to fix themselves. How many girlfriends have you had who do the same crap over and over and over again and you're giving yourself, including all of us. And you even like ourselves, but then the friends who just want to fix you and give you some bad advice, I see what you're saying. It's such a skill, it's such an art. And it's easy to give advice,

but it's hard to take your own advice. So that's part of what you learn being a Beth Dula is how to hold space and awaken their own knowing. Because when you can come to it yourself, you will actually implement those changes. I see, and I totally, I believe everything you're saying, I understand it like from a deeper place,

but for other people, how do you explain like holding space? And the other thing I want to explain is, I don't, I mean, I always like say a gas, when you just burst a human out of your body. Of course, your vagina's gonna be wrecked, your vulva, it's gonna be trauma, but you're talking about like, just giving birth as a sexual trauma.

And I think that that's such a concept to me. So could you explain it? Like give examples even as well. Yeah, so I'll start with birth as a trauma. So birth as a trauma, it's very challenging for a lot of folks to give birth in a hospital and in ways that they don't actually realize because there are certain things like once you check in, you get put on a clock, but as a birthing person, you don't actually know that. The doctors do. And as the time goes by, they will start doing different inductions to you to try to speed it along. For example,

C-sections peak between 5 and 7 pm, and particularly on Fridays, because doctors want to go home. It's just... Right. I can honestly barely talk about this stuff without either getting furious or crying. So, so much happens to you when you're birthing that you're unaware of. There's also things like a PCOtomies that happen without consent. I have literally reached out and touched a doctor's wrist holding her scissors and saying, have a wee disgust this, because I know, because I've been working with this birthing person that we haven't, and they don't want an a PCO. The PCOtomies is like the stitch that they, it's where they cut into your perennium through your vagina,

just like the base of your vulva, the original opening, they make a little cut, sometimes little, sometimes big, and to create more room. It's a medical intervention. It's something it needs to be discussed with the patient. Like, that's just how it should be, and like not to get out of this whole tangent,

but there's so much we need to go through. I could do it in this for hours. But when they stitch you up for an apesia on me, there's this thing that is widely known in the birth community called the daddy stitch that makes me dizzy with rage, where they do an extra stitch to tighten you up, which just like, for a million reasons,

is traumatizing and ridiculous and medically not necessary. So all that to say, that birth can be a lot even if you've birthed at home or in the hospital however you've birthed and you it literally went exactly according to your birth plan. You've just undergone the most immense transition in your life from maiden to mother. You've just become someone who is now whether you really want to or not extremely selfless and And it can be hard to navigate that transition and still remember who you are. So it's beautiful to have someone with you that is constantly like locked eyes with you, reminding you who you are, that you're

strong, that you can do this. And then postpartum, that person is still there with you, reminding you how what a beautiful practice that you do means so many women. I'm getting goosebumps too and I'm like I'm having rage and I'm also having this like what a beautiful person you are to bring that and how women need to understand it. This is just the time I love that we're in 2020 now and that there are more options. There's more information for women to really understand like what's happening when you give birth understand the parts of your vagina, your vulva. So I guess I could go off on the PC out of me forever, but we could keep moving here, because I just want to say that women,

just if you are about to give birth, like even if you have to get consent from the doctor, but sometimes they'll just do it anyway. Correct. So you can let them know that it's something you don't want, but let's say they think they're doing it to help you, so you're not stretching the vagina. So if you say no or the vulva,

so if you're saying no to it, then what happens? You have like a tear anyway? I can't really speak on it too much, just for like the reasons, but I mean, that's how vagina involves destruction. So I understand all these spaces what we're talking about is your presence,

I get it, your presence, your holding your... The thing that holding a spice is confusing for people is like, and I work with couples, so this also comes up, because I'll'll say it feels like you're not, you're trying to solve this problem from your, for your partner instead of just trying to hold space and trust that your partner is innately wise and knows what to do. And 100% at the time, they're like, what's holding space? Explain it. So it is listening, it is listening to really hear and witness and understand the person that you're speaking to and not to respond or resolve.

And it's really hard to do. Even like within my own life as being professionally trained to do this, my partner will be talking to me about a problem and every part of me is like wanting to say, so here's what you should do. But that's saying that my partner isn't wise and like wanting to say, so here's what you should do. But that's saying that my pun isn't wise and doesn't have the tools and doesn't know what to do. So you do learn specific tools for the types of questions to ask to help a wake in that wisdom within them, but really I would say Hoding Space is a deep listening for understanding

and not problem solving or emotionally mitigating. Exactly. And just have a tell me more. Yeah. They're fun questions or it's that that sounds really hard or that must have been like kind of exactly like if someone's really sad, you know, say, I've been through a worse or you get through this. You say, that sounds really hot.

I'd love to hear more about that. And so many of us, including myself, I've, you know, caught off and go, well, that's happened to me. And that's, you don't want to hear that. This is just such a great PSA for people that if someone's going through something, and this is something that you might already do and you don't notice it, but now, if you just recognize it,

because we think we're doing it to help someone, like, oh, you think that was bad. Well, you know what happened to me? When we're in distress and we're in an emotional place and something's going out, we just need someone to hold space to listen. So what happens? And someone that doesn't judge you and believes in you

and knows that you've got this. Like that is so infinitely powerful. And I think that's where I really learned that through being a birth support person. I've like how to be like, you've got this. I'm here to remind you that. I'm not here to teach you something, you don't know. Not to say the clients don't come to me.

I'm like, I want to learn how to time myself up. And like, I'm gonna teach you that. Exactly. But exactly. But I think all of your stuff is really holding space. But also guiding. So tell me, okay, so the rest of the work is also, so you move down for birthing. You'll still do that.

So I still do it very occasionally if it really touches my heart, but I've mainly moved out of that. But so doing the post-pottom support, it ended up just being a sexuality doula though I didn't have the language for that at the time, and then they just referred me out to their friends and clients. So that's not language I use anymore, but that's sort of like the slow progression of the work.

So, sexual, so after women give birth, or just, you know, I guess after that, you're like just helping them get their sexuality back. Yeah, it's like a sex educator, but also someone who has just got you, you know, someone's just there on the journey with you. And like I always think more of like a guide person than I am like a coach or a teacher, like sex educator, yeah, technically that's what I do. That's my job title, but it's my work is uncharted territory. It's not really work that has a proper title.

It's I know the, I don't know the road that you're on with your sexuality. I know the road that I went on. I know the road that I've studied that I've explored in my own life. I can walk next to you. I'm not walking behind you because I don't know where you're going. I'm not walking in front of you because I think I know where you should be going. I'm walking next to you because I trust you. I believe you and I'm here for you. Such beautiful work. It's like a coach. Thank you. Yeah. When I say think of coach, like I think something like do 20 pushups and learn how to love male skill and two. Yeah.

Okay, so talk about like some of this stuff you're helping women with like you said you've mentioned like their their body literacy. Yes. Yes. So I work mainly in body literacy and sexual sovereignty. So helping people learn about their body is like some of the beautiful work that you do in educating people like the difference between a vulva and a vagina, massive difference. So very specific and anatomical stuff I work with people, but also, okay, now you understand your anatomy better, but do you understand your pleasure anatomy? What feels good when you touch it, where, how, what pressure, what direction, how do you communicate that to someone? So do you work with them on that level, as like a sexual logical body worker?

Or, like, don't. Okay. Have amazing referrals for that. But yeah, no, so I don't do in-person work with people. I do all, for my one in one work, which is the bulk of my work, I do video sessions with clients, and then I also teach workshops

so people can work with me in-person. But I don't do sexological body work. It's more homework, guided practices, reflections, and then having someone to process that with you. Okay. Not to say there's not immense value in that work. I was thinking, because I want to go back to what you said. Because you said you help them figure out what's pleasurable for them. So you probably do that more like try these different forms of touch.

Yeah, different forms of touch, breath work, guided meditation practices, very specific like physical practices like Betty Dodson's hip rock and roll, like they're very specific practical application as well as just giving someone permission to spend an hour just exploring their body and seeing what feels good and maybe doing a Full session of solar sex without any genital touch or a full session of solar sex with genital touch But neuro orgasm to kind of unpack What does it really look like for you to have a sexual relationship with yourself because most people's sexual relationship With themselves is actually a deep reflection of every sexual relationship that have someone else and presumably Poor sex education.

Right, exactly. So it's a lot of unpacking as well. So when people come to you, are there, have you noticed over the years you've been doing that there's been a common theme? Is there a common starting place? Like what kind of issues are you helping people with the most? I would say the most common theme is sexual shame.

Right? Sexual shame and that translate into the body as well. There's a deep dislike as well as particularly for women and femme folk, distrust of their bodies, because they don't really understand them or how they work. How do you start there? It's a lot of unpacking. We start with really beautiful practices like vulva gazing and naming ceremony, which is a guided homework practice that they do, where they learn all the different parts

of their anatomy. They touch them, they feel how they are, they look close with a mirror, really learn about how it looks and how it feels, and for a lot of people, just that takes weeks of me to be like, so I see you didn't get to that. What came up there, it's because I got everything but looking in the mirror. I do not want to look at my evolve. I'm like, no one can pick it out of the lineup. No one, like, you, women can't. We gotta get, for my, let's talk about what happens

because I'm sure you've had so many breakthroughs with women when they want, they do do that exercise. I guess we gotta have that one thing we don't get to. But when we do, what happens when it's women do gaze? You must have such incredible stories of time. Changes their lives. It changes their lives. Like, if you don't love, if you don't have like genital confidence,

you kind of shut down and it's hard to really feel fully present and able to experience all the pleasure available to you during sex. Cause you don't even like wanna look at yourself, wanna feel that pleasure. You can't disconnect just one part of it without disconnecting all the pleasure pathways. So it's kind of a way of literally

like looking at yourself in the mirror and being like this is part of me. And then like to accept that sex does become the pleasure pathways. So it's kind of a way of literally looking at yourself in the mirror and being like, this is part of me. And that's accept that sex does become more pleasurable and then you don't feel shame if someone's going down and you are there. Exactly. It's like, you're welcome. You're welcome to be able to touch and look at and feel and kiss my like vulva, like, you're welcome,

not, oh, don't look at that, don't touch that. So many women have these devastating narratives about their own bodies. And like they think their bodies are abnormal because there's not good depictions of real volvers in the media and in pornography. And they're all normal, they're all beautiful. You know, like labia plastic went up 45% in just one year because there's no depictions of volvers that are real and people think there's something wrong with them. So being able to really radically look at that most intimate part of yourself with deep

acceptance and love just changes the game. Do you think that most women though that you're working with is probably something psychological? So once you kind of move past it like they're like I can of orgasm or I can of pleasure and once they start to do this work through breath and like what other kind of things do you do besides doing the exercises or are there other parts of it other components like I know you also you make potions and you have things to go on. I mean she's got I feel like you have a like a witch lab. I'm a Renaissance woman. You are a Renaissance woman. Yeah beautiful Renaissance woman. It's amazing. Thank you. So, so yeah, I'm just kind of walking through a session because I know you do a lot of

different things. So women come in and really just, you know, through touch and experience. Do you ever give them any tools to work with? Like, I know you make a loop, right? Or do you? I do. Yeah. Yeah. I do make that. I sometimes give that to clients. It's more on unpacking their old narratives, their sex negative, body negative narratives through conversation and healing. And then the thing is you have to learn what your new narrative is going to be, which is really kind of fronting for a little interesting, right? To be like, okay, not only do you have to get rid of it, but let's create a new one. Yes. It's like, I always tell clients do you have to get rid of it, but let's create a new one. Yes.

It's like, I always tell clients, you're about to go through puberty again. This is like, and they all say, like within a month or so, they're like, yes, I'm just like frenzy, and I just always want to look at my vulva. I want to have sex all the time. I'm so excited. And I want them like, once you learn what pleasure is in the bedroom, you're going to learn it everywhere. You're going to change your relationships and friendships and jobs, like everything changes

once you really embrace pleasure as your birthright and you integrate that knowing into your body, not just in your mind, so that you demand pleasure in your life. It is an integration and it's work. It's not like it's gonna happen, like you're just gonna look at your vulva and that's gonna be it, but it's a practice, just like everything else.

That's where the real magic happens. It's not easy, it's not overnight, I always tell people, like this is hard work, it's not always going to be fun, but it is going to transform your life in the most beautiful way that you've ever experienced. It's just like that to be so hard. I know it. Seriously, sex is purposeless play.

And if you can look at it that way, it unlocks so much pleasure. And one of the things, like this is a little free tip that I get. I can't. It's about giving to your listeners. One of the things that happens within the brain is that we have a monotony in our brain

that measures the reasonability of a task. So if you know, I also teach a lot about the nervous system with my clients because the nervous system and the arousal system are very tied together. So if you understand how your body works, again, this ties into your body literacy, then you can work with your body instead of trying to work against it.

So this is part of your brain called the monodant, it monitors how reasonable a task is. So to experience like the most pleasure you've ever had tonight, like after listening to this podcast, go home, do the night with your partner or not, shake up your sex into either 60 second increments or the increment of one song if you want to listen to a playlist. Now what you're going to do is for that time period that you've designated, see the one song

with 60 seconds, you're going to feel as much pleasure as you possibly can. We're removing the golf orgasm. And what that tells your monitor to stop looking for, is this going to make me come? What if I need to adjust this? What should I do that? Oh my gosh, what if I don't have an orgasm? The monitor can relax and it goes, ah, yeah, for 60 seconds, I can easily feel as good as I possibly can. And it's so funny, it's kind of like, but I want to have an orgasm.

Right, I know. You will. You will. Well, that's the thing. It's like, we have, well, in 60 seconds though, I would just be thinking, if I didn't do this work, I'd be thinking, and I'd be thinking, what do I do? Where do I start?

Like, you know what I'm saying? But what if you don't know where to start after 60 seconds? So, I should have mentioned, you repeat the time. So like, for each 60 seconds, you're going to feel as much pleasure possible. So I feel listening to a playlist and you've picked songs. For the first song, you're going to feel as much pleasure possible. And that's your whole goal. And then at the end of that song, you decide if you want to listen to another and you want

to feel as much pleasure possible. So you might want to start. It then at the end of that song, you decide if you want to listen to another and you want to feel as much pleasure possible. So you might want to start. It's like chunking and slight. It's like a little overwhelming to be like, have a sec whole, sec session for an hour, but if you could do it for 60 seconds. And you can repeat that 60 times. Exactly. We're cool.

We're not counting. So you can start with maybe some slow, sensual dance. You can stroke your body all over with your fingertips and explore your other original signs that aren't genital. Like for me, the side of my ribs, kind of under my armpit, next to my boob, is so essential. Like that's my favorite spot to be touched with, like light scratchy strokes. And I never would have learned that if I didn't do this, like pleasure mapping and breaking up my sexual expression. That's such a great, that is so true.

We have so many Roger Zones and when I say that often, it's like, That's such a great, that is so true. We have so many Roger zones. And when I say that often, it's like, think about, like that, that could be it. And you might not know what it is yet until you give yourself the permission without the goal of orgasm. Without me, no, we talk a lot about orgasms on this show, but it is not all about the orgasm.

In fact, once you stop focusing on the orgasm is when it can often happen. And also if I tell a client, can you please masturbate for one hour every day? They're gonna tell me absolutely not. But if I say, can you masturbate for 60 seconds and then choose if you wanna do another 60 seconds and then just repeat that until you feel like you're done?

Yeah. They will. Baby steps. Baby steps. It's like when I used to run and it's like, I'm gonna run for 10 minutes. So, you know, to see kind of thing, it's like less overwhelming.

So it's like first you need to unpack the sexual trauma or the sex negative narratives. Then you're gonna explore, how do I create a new narrative that's actually really authentic for me and my pleasure and isn't about who I am in partnership to others. We're gonna take a quick break and we come back even more Isabella. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Going back to that vulva gazing, so many clients will come to me saying, I've had this

trauma because a partner said that my vulva looked this type of way. Or, you know, a really common one, speaking of things. That's going to ask you common. Is my face looks like I'm in pain when I'm in pleasure? And then this is where they try to keep their face really still or they try to smile at time and it's like, whatever your pleasure expression is, is beautiful. Exactly. We work so much about it.

When you're worried about your old face and whatever it is. And your old face is amazing. It's really related. That's why. And also, who cares how your face looks? If you have a good partner, they're just excited that you're having a good time.

But we're really honestly just having someone to listen while you say when I was 17, I had sex with this person and they said, oh, your pubes are really scratchy or whatever it is. Having someone listen and say, like, that must have been hard, how did that feel? Just being able to get that out, it moves it out of the body. And so we can release that and then look at our volvers or whatever the part of our body is that we're trying to love a little bit more and look at it with self compassion and fresh eyes instead of having those narratives running in your head. That's such a great way to free it to rather than your friend, even a friend like, oh, it's fine. Don't worry. But you want someone just to hold the space. So that is a really common because it just takes one person to say something because no one else has ever said anything about it, but one person, you just stay locked in that narrative. So then you release it through this, you know,

hold someone holding space for you or someone you could listen and then you rewrite the narrative. So what does that look like? It looks like a, that's where the work gets really fun. It looks like a lot of exploration. And I have a beautiful course, the pleasure course, which is really helpful without which guides people through different pleasure Exploration so I have a pleasure course. They can find that we'll have this on the show now It's called the pleasure devotional and it's structured to be 30 day devotional to pleasure But you could take as long as you want to do it But it really read up finds and transforms away you view pleasure with like very specific prompts and

Exercises so like one of the exercises might be lay out, find 10 different instruments in your house, like a spatula, a whisk, a hairbrush, and just feel how they feel different on your body. So it's just unpacking and exploring and finding new things. If you've never explored King or BDSM before, pick something that sort of peaks your interest a little bit and start exploring that.

So it's about developing that really exciting relationship with solo sex, because so many people aren't into solo sex, because it feels boring. Like, if you have sex with someone the same way for 20 years, it's gonna be boring. But they don't realize it, because they've been having sex with themselves

the same way for 20 years. Of course, it's boring. Exactly. We need to mix it up. We gotta mix it up. I love this. So tell me about the BFeminist BDSM. I need to know all about that.

So one of the things that I really discovered, and I was kind of surprised by, but I'm not anymore when I first started practicing, is how confronting BDSM was for femfolk? Like they felt really like anti-feminist. Even this week I've had a client say to me, but aren't I a bad feminist for liking this? And the thing about feminism in my mind at least is that it should be a way that you can feel really empowered in every aspect of your life. And if what would make you feel really good is to have your partner who you love trust and respect and who loves trust and respects you, choke you or slap you or tie you up or whatever feels good to you. And you feel safe to ask for that. That's feminist to me. And there's nothing wrong with

playing with concepts that you in the bedroom in a safe space that you would never otherwise. Right? Like Esteparral says, the erotic mind isn't politically correct and we love to play with the things that we shouldn't when they're in a safe space for us to unpack. It can be really beautiful to heal and process trauma, whether it's like societal trauma of you know being a woman and being frightened about sexual assault and all these types of things in a safe place with your partner. That doesn't mean that it translates out into the streets or that it makes you a bad feminist. and being frightened about sexual assault, and all these types of things, in a safe place with your partner, that doesn't mean that it translates out into the streets, or that it makes you a bad feminist.

It's just beautiful to be able to process and heal these things through a safe sexual experience. So let's talk about what it actually means. Let's just break down the BDS. Yes, please. Okay, like it down. So you can tell me, so they come to you and they're like,

you know, I kind of had this vision of being spanked or being tied up. And I'm not really sure where to start because we get these calls all the time. Like, oh, my partner asked me to do this and I'm not sure where to start or I feel bad about it. So, you know, what's the twist on it?

Why do you, how do you get them to start? I guess it's part of it is understanding that it's okay and giving them permission. Yeah, that's a big part of it. Like a lot of people are scared that their partner will judge them. And that makes me, that like tells me that you're still judging yourself for this.

So that would be my first point of advice is to heal the internalized judgment you have about yourself for liking this or wanting to explore this because when you have, then you can say to your partner, hey, I really want to experiment with pegging you. How would that feel for you? And if your partner says, ooh, that's so sexy that you shared that with me, but I actually

am not interested in trying that right now. You come from a grounded place, if you're like, cool, I'm glad that we like, could chat about this. Hey, what would be something that would turn you on that we could try that we haven't tried before? Right. So, like, I try to encourage couples to communicate in a way that's really open and non-judgmental and playful.

So, like, yeah, if you want to experiment with being spanked or tied up, tell your partner, hey, I have this fantasy. And it would turn me on so much if you could time me up and then spank me. And then afterwards, I want to talk about how that felt, right? So we want to prioritize the off-to-care. So, now, I want to spank you. Like, that's what I'm going to do. You're like, yes.

But we all do it like, it is a gift. I want to try something kiki. Andcare. So now I want to spank you. Like, that's what I'm going to do. You're like, yes. But we all do it like it is a good one. I want to try something kiki. And then they're like, no, I'm scared. And then they never talk about it again. That's typically what happens. But it's really about toning time when you do it and being curious, non-dungemental.

You don't want to shame, you don't want to blame. And be specific when you say kinky. That's actually something that happens a lot with clients. As they say to the pun, I want to try something kinky and let's say the partner thinks, oh, they want to go to a dungeon rent space. They want me to chain them up and bait the crap out of them, but like define what kinky feels to you because for you, kinky might be having the lights on tonight. And that's kinky and that's good and you should explore that.

Where do you tell people to find out what is on their kinks spectrum? Like we have like the yes, no, maybe list on our site. Like are there other tools? Where do you, I mean, there's on our site. Like are there other tools? Where do you, I mean, there's a great, but where do you guide people? I love finding new resources for our listeners. Yeah, there's a great article that I wrote

on the Sex with Emily site called, what counts as kinky sex and how to have more of it. I think is the title, but that's gonna really help them very well. Thank you, check that one out. It has like really, really specific exercises that you can do with your partner. And definitely that yes and no maybe list, I would recommend because it's a really fun way to explore together what you're intrigued by.

But also there's this website and I think they've an app now too called We Should Try It, which is really fun because you do it separately and then it lets you know which kinks you've matched on. Oh, that's amazing. I'm thinking there needs to be an app for this. So we should try it. Okay, there you go. It's a really good one.

I'm right on this down. We should try it. Okay, so what about the sex magic part of it? Mm. Sex magic is something I like to talk about a lot because I'm a very provocative person, I guess, or yeah, like I'm a disrupter, like the things that I say and do kind of disrupt and sometimes trigger people.

And she doesn't a really lovely way that you kind of want to sex with her and then you kind of want to disrupt me. Yeah. It's like do you want to be my best friend or do you want to sex with me? You can be both. No. Anyway, so the thing that I like about sex magic is when people hear they're like, what on earth is that?

They're imagining candles and there's blood sacrifices and like, oh my gosh, no. Magic is the ability to shift consciousness at will. To me, sex is anything that feels erotic to you. I can have sex by just eating a peach really slowly and centrally and tasting all of it and the textures and filling it drip down your train. Like, that can be super sexual, right? So holding those two understandings or definitions in your head, combining them together

is just intentional sex. So so many people have a sex life by default instead of a sex life by design. And that's something I really work with in clients, with clients in one-on-one sessions. But I love the sex life by default instead of a sex life by design. And that's something I really work with in clients with clients in one-on-one sessions. But I love the sex life by design. Most of us are defaulting, we're reactive, we're tweezers, we're doing what we think we should do

rather than we actually feel good. So we're really getting to the courts like you're helping people rewire. And like often people, this is something that happens, I'm sure you get this all the time on the show. Is people say, I really wanna try this thing with my wife or with my partner and I'm really nervous about it. You might not even know that person's been reading a rhodiker

about that every day, but if you have this default sex life or you've never even brought it up, of course, you've not tried it, right? You don't get to have the pleasure you don't ask for. Exactly. So, going back to sex magic, it's just being intentional about your sexuality, and I really enjoy practicing it as a solo practice, but it is really beautiful and potent sex. Like let's say, you and your partner want to have sex,

you've got about an hour to do it. Maybe spend five minutes just sitting silently and gazing into each other's eyes and really enjoying that connection and that slowing down and that nervous system response relaxing. And then you might say, Hey, what's our intention today?

Let's set a shared intention. For me, I really want to try this new toy we have and your partner goes, oh, okay. Cool, yeah, I definitely want to try that new vibrating, rimming butt plug from B5. But your partner really wants to feel connected to you that session. So you're going to talk about how can we combine

both of our intentions to be really mindful and have this beautiful, conscious sexual experience? That's really all sex, much of kids. Yeah. I mean, we're so terrified of looking to each other's eyes or intimacy. Some of them are just like, oh, you lost me as a Bella when you're talking about staring to other's eyes,

but once you do it, I mean, I remember the first time I had to do that like in sex school, and grab was like, oh, I'm leaving. I can't, that's painful. I mean, there's like 10, I'm like, nope, nope, nope. And then you do it, you're like, oh, that's not so bad. And it's really powerful. It's powerful, but it's really controversial

and challenging and confronting to be that deeply witnessed. It's so much easier for so many people to like, you know, spank someone or put a butt plug in, then just open your eyes, you're in sex and really look at your partner. That's a really easy way to bring more presence and pleasure into your sex life. Just opening your eyes.

Connected. Yeah, connected sex. And like if eye gazing is too much, like just look at their body. Look at the beautiful way it ripples and their curves and their dimples and everything and just what can you smell? What can you taste? Look at their skin. Just really engage in your senses.

If eye gazing feels like too much, that's okay. I mean, that's such a great, those are all such great tips because most of us are spending so much time in our head. So you're giving so many great options for people to be like, I don't know what to do. I'm thinking about if I'm gonna come or the kids are gonna walk in or something, my boss is texting.

And so if you're just like, oh, because I always have to go back to breath or the senses or the five senses, but to think like, okay, great, I'm just gonna look at their body in that way. And not only does that anchor you in the moment, but how great is it to feel like you're being seen or worshipped if my partner was really looking at my body and they were going slow. And I think many people's first reaction, like, oh, no, don't look at that. I didn't shave or I, oh, that's

a bit of a dimple. But when you could really breathe, you talk about calming, you know, the sympathetic person, the nervous system, you really can't. It really allows you to take it all in. Yeah. We're also wired to distract. Yeah, and we're in such go-mode all the time. So, when you're in that nervous system response, you can't really feel pleasure. You need to drop down and be able to relax. So, take a little time for yourself before you want to try having sex, whether it's with a partner or a soul, maybe take a nice walk around the block or have a bubble bath, whatever it feels good, but just to be able to slow down a little bit and actually come to the sexual experience with presence and excitement.

And again, it doesn't have to end in an orgasm. It can just be whatever it like, maybe you commit, you have a schedule sex date with your partner, but then it comes around, you're feeling really tired. So, okay, just give each other foot rubs and talk about things you like about each other. Like sex doesn't have to be genitals, it doesn't have to be penetration. I know, I'd love to redefine. I mean, I think we're all doing that in our work, but like just redefining that sex is just, you know, penetrative sex.

I mean, that's just so. There are so many other options, especially if you think about everything we're talking about, all these different nerve endings and ways to explore yourself that all counts as sex, a deep kiss. Yeah, a footrub, a deep kiss. Yeah, a foot robber back rub. Connection and pleasure, and I think so many people talk about these concepts of like tantra or because this is sort of all loosely tantra. People like to label these things, but I think that can put people off. And I think it's more important to have these specific,

because it's always spoken about and really broad terms. And it's good to have these specific tools like just try opening your eyes. Just try taking a shower beforehand. Go for a walk on the rock, shift your energy. These specific tools that can actually really help us, but for a lot of people, even those are too much. So I would then start with more central pleasures rather than sexual pleasures,

feeling deserving of booking yourself to get a massage, eating your food slowly, just being present, taking deep breaths, to sort of slowing down and learning how to integrate the knowing in your body that you deserve pleasure. That's the one thing I wish I could like shake every person on the planet and just like infuse them with the knowledge that you don't have to do anything to deserve pleasure. You don't have to earn the right to feel good in your body or to feel sexy. Just existing gives you that pleasure is your birthright. You're absolutely right.

I like that we're talking about it because people can hear this and be like, oh, but I don't deserve the time off. Yeah, I hear what you're saying, Emily, but massage. But we're also talking about an actual change. We're talking about the nervous system. Like actually taking a bath will actually calm your nervous system. And why that's important is because then you're going to feel more embodied in your body. Your thoughts will kind of start to feel them melt away.

You'll be able to be because the heat has that impact of being in the bathtub, the water on your skin. I mean, this is also like there's, this is where the rewiring, the changing, the calmness happens. So it's not just like, check, I got a massage and now I'm going to go pick up the dry cleaning, where I'm going to go. It's like, it's really working on your body in a deeper, holistic level that's going to be preparing you and for for life, really. Yeah. And what I receive pleasure, because when you're just tension, talking from someone who, this is something a daily practice I have to work on with meditation and exercise and like steam shower, I have my house like that just sets me

until it's like calming space, but otherwise I'm just running on adrenaline going, going, going, and I still do that, but it's like how do you, but when I do have these moments of calm and I do it every day, it's a game changer. And just even if you start with five minutes, yeah, and when you're like in that adrenaline space, like that go-go-go, which so many of us are, it literally, your nervous system is focused and wired to that, so you can't drop

into pleasure. So, what the thing that really bumps me out is a lot of people try these practices, but without actually taking care of themselves and working on their self-care. And so they don't work. Because, you can example, try what? And then, so they might try having a mindful masturbation session. But like you said, they've been working all day,

got stuck in traffic, you took a go-go go, and then you sit down, you try to do it, and of course you can't calm your thoughts. Of course you can't focus on pleasure, because your nervous system is still panicking. So it's really important that you prioritize your self-care and yourself of practices as a way to open the pathway to pleasure. Because it doesn't happen at one. It doesn't. It takes so many years of, yeah, for me, like meditation and the yoga and all the things like to, to finally know that. I mean, there's

sometimes even the meditations are, it's some more things I'm just like, yeah, it's like the bread again, and that's okay, giving meditations are, some warnings, I'm just like, I can't stop the bread again. And that's okay, giving yourself permission. But I think it's also consistency. I mean, for me, it is like the more I do it, day upon day upon day, it just gets easier and then just being kind to yourself if you skip some time where you gotta get back to it again.

I always think it's like going to the gym when you're really in a great routine, you're working out every day, you feel great and then you stop for a few days or weeks or months and you're like, I can't go back. And we all know if you've experienced with weeks or months, and you're like, I can't go back. And we all know if you've experienced with this or anything, whatever you do with your health

or you're changing something, it takes a little time. A few days, a few weeks, and you stick with it if it's important to you. And hopefully, you know, your pleasure is important to you. Yeah, and that self-compassion pace is so important, like self-acceptance and self-compassion, such key tools for sexuality that people don't realize. It's okay if you scheduled yourself for a massage

and then you change your mind because you felt really overwhelmed and run down. Just on a way you're at and just give yourself a hug and say, okay, treat yourself the way you were a friend. You wouldn't judge a friend, you wouldn't criticize a friend for that, you'd be like, okay, why don't we try again tomorrow? It's so hard though. The voice is in our head. Oh yeah, you'd be like, okay, why don't we try again tomorrow? It's so hard though. The voice is in our head.

Oh yeah. And like getting a massage, that's going to be some people are going to think, oh, that's not even vaguely possible for me. Okay, he, you know, could you get someone to watch the kids for an hour so you can just lay on the couch and cry. Right? Yeah, you know, it can look however it needs to look. But people always talk about making more time in your day and for some people, that's not

possible without asking for help. So self-care might be asking for more help and support. It's really hard for people to ask for help. I see this with my friends like moms and having kids like you just feel like a bad mom. I do this all the time. Like I'm a bad mom. I failed if I need help or I can't come first and you know I'm selfless and it has to be all about the kids but then you know you realize you're a better human, better parent, better mom, better everything. But God, I have friends. I've been working on this for so long. I'm like booking them, but you've got to get a baby.

So it's okay. You know, what kids are at school now? Like take time for yourself. You need that time away from the kids. Like everyone needs it. From our work. When your kid is. A socializes human give us

and men a socializes human experiences. So it's really hard to switch from giving into experiencing. Everyone needs it. From our work. When a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, a man, man telling my partner to watch the kids for an hour so that I could lay down in raid or God willing lay down in masturbate. My understand that that's hard for me because I understand I was socialized this way. Again, compassion, understanding, you only know what you know. And if you can learn more and you can develop that body literacy, you're going to come to yourself with such deep compassion and love that these sexual principles will flow way more easily. I love that these sexual principles will flow way more easily. I love that. And people can find out that your self-care journey is

at your course. Absolutely. Yes, I have an ebook which is called the self-care journey, which is a guidebook that it has specific pages that help you with goal setting and holistic self-care instead of just like always the bubble boss and candles that we always hear about. Well, which do work, but I love that you provide another.

So you guys can check that out. It also the Goop lab. Yeah. You're gonna be a net, you're on Netflix. I'm on Netflix. It's happening. Congratulations. Thank you so much.

I cannot wait to see it. I want that experience. So we're always talking about it. Yeah. So exciting, so beautiful. So I am, yes, on the Goop lab, it is, I believe, a six episode show. And I'm on the episode that highlights female pleasure It's me and Betty Dotson. What is it? I'm so proud

Thank you. She's amazing. Yeah, it was incredible. It was so beautiful So they they picked some of their group staffers and had me teach a workshop for them And it's really beautiful on the show You'll see they interview them with sort of what the experience was like and what they got out of it. And it was just such an honor to be featured in such a beautiful way alongside one of my idols. And one of the things that I'm really excited about to do with the show is that they actually show in this TV show on Netflix pictures of real life, all of us with like representation, diversity.

It's going to be a game changer. They actually show it. It's going's gonna be a game changer. They can show it. It's gonna be a complete game changer. Do they show the faces or just they're just showing? It's the volvers. It's so beautiful. I was weeping watching it at the premiere. Wow.

That one simple action is also gonna create a lot of controversy, but it's gonna change people's lives. Being able to look at yourself and go, Oh, I'm normal. It's okay that my labia are irregular and even they're longer or they shorter or however it looks or they're darker or they're lighter. It's so beautiful to have that representation and to know you're normal. And I just know people watching that are going to be healed, even just from that tiny little moment. I'm so excited about this because that really is, because there's no place for people to go.

There's really no place to do it. That is just, because I feel like this has happened in the last 15 years I've been doing this. I believe that it's, but the porn that women, I've seen more labial plastic, more women feeling shame because it doesn't look like what they see in porn or, and it's just, I can't tell you all day that you're fine,

normal love yourself, but to see it like that, you know, a Netflix such a validation. So congratulations, I'm I cannot wait to watch it. Thank you so much. I am so proud. This is just this is amazing. As a value, you're doing such incredible work. Thank you. Thank you for all your work. Here with Sex with Emily and all the work you're doing to change the world and to help women. I think it's really beautiful. You such a great spirit and soul and you're doing to change the world and to help women. I think it's really beautiful. You're such a great spirit and soul and you're doing a kind of work and I'm so grateful to know you. Thank you so much. Yeah, it's definitely my life's calling and I just feel I'm one of those nerds. It just wakes up every day feeling so excited to do their

job. Like it is such an honor. It's so humbling. I cry pretty much every day. Tears of gratitude that I get to positively impact people's lives and Before I got really specific in my work I would help people lean over the other areas of their life and then Eventually things would improve but when you focus on sex first Then every other area of your life improves positively. So I'm just so honored to do the work that I do I'm so glad you're doing it. Well, thank you, Isabelle, for the idea. You can find all of the stuff. We'll be in the show notes, but I have to

ask you and we can go to that in a second, but I have to ask you the five questions. We ask all of our questions. Oh, I'm excited. Are you ready? Yes. Okay. Your biggest turn on. Dominant sense of mission. Okay. Your biggest turn off. Litering. People that litter. What makes good sex? Communication and consent. Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. Stop performative receiving.

Don't fake your orgasms. That is just leaving trails for your ponies for how to not make you come. Number one sex tip. Just tell you a pun in what you like. Just tell them. Okay, thank you and where people find you. IsabellaFrepia.com and on Instagram, Bella Tukofoto. Okay, awesome.

Love that. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate all of you. Thanks for listening and thanks to my awesome team, Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Brian, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.