Sex With Emily - Getting Touchy Feely with Brooke Burke-Charvet

Episode Date: October 28, 2017

Turn the lights down low and turn the volume up for today’s show. Emily welcomes back her friend and fellow podcaster Brooke Burke-Charvet, host of the Brooke Burke Show to talk about the importance of different forms of touch play, what to do when your kid finds your sex toys, and tips for initiating sex! Wondering how to date when you’re a single parent with young child? Is it okay to have fantasies, even if you’re married? These two ladies discuss solutions to these quandaries, and share why they and you should love your labia. You don’t want to miss this show, so tune in. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep this show free: Mystery Vibe, SKYN, Fleshlight, Magic Wand Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily on today's show I'm joined by my friend Brooke Burke-Sharve. Host of the podcast, The Brooke Burke Show, and we're talking sex, relationships, and everything in between. Topics include what to do when your kids find your toys, why it's important and how to introduce new forms of touch into your sex life. Tips for initiating sex and not to worry, having a healthy fantasy life separate from your partners is totally okay. All this and more, thanks for listening. They're in ruins, they call them in a bike on day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand.

Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, Emily? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here.

I'm so, so, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. MUSIC You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between for more information. Go to sexwithemily.com. We've got blogs, we've got posts, we've got videos, so many things happening on the website updating it every day for you to have better sex and relationships and just a better

life. Overall, I'll see you guys. It's really important that you subscribe to the podcast because it just makes life so and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun and have fun that a few months ago we talked about submitting reviews to iTunes and you guys I love when you listen you actually did it We got a bunch of great reviews that also helps because okay like five okay, I've been doing this for 12 years Okay, my guest is Brooke Burke survey and I'm gonna introduce her if you don't know she's in a minute But Brooke just listen to what happened. So you'll appreciate this. Okay, 12 years ago I started this show and I've been trying for a long time how am I gonna make this a business? What am I gonna do when you try and you fail and you try and you fail? So at one point like six years ago, I thought, oh, I could charge for the podcast, you know, like 99 cents a month or something like that and people got angry and they wrote this

I was like something like that it was like 99 cents I guess the whole subscription asked for as hard as you were Can you been grinding this out for two years. Riding it. Right. And then they were like, I'm angry. So what iTunes did, and I think they just changed it, but when you go to someone's podcast, it shows the negative reviews first.

Ah. So I'm like, guys, that's what's the old story. So anyway, if you want to go to iTunes and just say what you like about it, that would be so cool. That helps me out as well. You're the queen bee. I'm taking notes. Ah.

iTunes reviews. Very important. Yeah, that's important. I'll tell you we'll talk about it. And so this is Brooke Brooke Sharvey. Hi, everyone. And back. She's back. If you missed a last show, it was awesome.

You can check that out a few months ago. It was. Repet customer, repeat guest. I love it. We had fun. Good. We did have a blast. And now we have a whole friendship going.

And it's awesome. And Brooke Brooke, the Brooke book show, it all started with sex. It all started with sex. We have a fun show. That's so bad. How did you girls meet? Well, it started with sex talk.

Brooke's amazing. She's the Brooke Brooke show on iTunes. And everywhere else podcasts are. A fitness coach. She's doing a fitness video. If you don't follow on Instagram, you have to. It's Brooke Brooke, right? Brooke Brooke, yeah.

Yeah, easy. And you can just check out her booty and her everything else. But there's a lot of great things. I'm like, oh gosh, I really should go work out. There's some great work out tips there. Well, you got to come and work out with me. I would come to Malibu. When we talk to my class, I want to do it. And even if you can't get to Malibu to take the class, that's what I'm just killing myself working on lately is developing this fitness app,

which will be out in December, but I'm having a blast doing it and trying to figure out how I'm gonna show people that you can work out anytime anywhere and do it around the world with no excuses at home or in your living room, one vacation at the beach, wherever you are and it doesn't have to be hours. Is that the 45 minutes, by the way? If you have 30 minutes to spare or 15, or maybe 10 and you wanna get specific,

I'm gonna show everybody how to do that. So, yeah, it's really smart. But I think so many people, I just gave my hair cut today, and she's like, I know you're going to tell me to make time, but I have no time. I have a kid. I drive an hour here. I'm like, even if it's 10 minutes, 15 minutes,

it's going for a while. It's kind of crazy. There's a million reasons not to take care of ourselves, and we're all so busy, be it business or family, or whatever it is. But I promise anyone that if you make time for yourself, you're going to be better for it all the way around on every level.

Something else I've been doing that's really fun that you might appreciate is these partner workouts. Even like a BFF, like a girlfriend workout or a lover's workout and it could be anything from cool little things you do from doing. Sit ups together holding each other's feet or doing partner paddy kick pushups or possibilities are endless.

And I did a whole series with my girlfriend the other day And I love working out with my husband too. We don't have time right? Such an old excuse, but it's fun when you configure out how to do it and it becomes kind of like a date Which is sounds weird, but no it is it's makes sense the reason why that works what I love about that is because the hardest thing Sometimes about working out is the motivation. So this is holy accountable like Like if I made a plan to come see you at your class, I'm going to show up. That's what I always say, friends, keep you honest. So you make that commitment.

You don't really flake. You kind of flake on yourself sometimes, which I wish more women wouldn't do that. Right. I wish we would allow ourselves to be a priority, but you kind of show up when you tell your girlfriend you're going to meet her. It's not that more than even a date.

Like I'd be more like a canceled date than I would my friends because I'm so into my girlfriends. That's wrong with that, that's so true. No, because my friends sometimes I just think they're more satisfying overall. I mean, you don't have to comment on that, because you're married. I'm married, but there's a secret language

that only we speak as women. It's true. And I've spoken about this before, even in my podcast, there's certain things that you can't share with your man or your partner, or your partner, if it's a man-man partnership, whatever. There's certain things that your lover can share with your man or your partner or your partner if it's a man-man partnership, whatever. Certain things that your lover can't be the end all be all. Exactly. And be your best friend and be everything else. Hopefully you have a great friendship, but I think the expectations are way too high for them to be awesome in every area,

awesome and bad. Be your best friend. Be a great partner. Be a great parent. It's like really? No, it's not even possible. We just marry like Mr. Perfect, wonderful, superman. No, nobody's like that. Lucky you, if did. You're absolutely right. And that's what like um, Esther Pearl wrote that book, Making Captivity, like I think it came out over 10 years ago, and it talked about that, that we have this notion that we want our partner to be, you know, we want it to be sexy and exciting and romantic and do all the best sex ever, but our best friend who's there for us and shares everything, and the truth is that familiarity and the routine

and the person who hears everything and go to the bathroom with the door open is not as hot as the novelty and the newness and the sexiness of a new relationship. So when they become up, that actually cancels out what the hotness is. So you actually, we require that separation. It's just a hot.

It's really well said. I mean, it's a bummer, the reality of it, but it's a realistic way of looking at it. You just can't be everything. You can't be everything to everyone. We want a responsibility. Yeah, and I feel bad though. We put that pressure on ourselves and our partner.

So I think it's okay if you're having a rough day and you're like, you know what? I want to call my best friend. I don't need to talk to my partner about every little thing. And you're not going to be everything to them. And that's what still keeps relationships. I hate to say it but we are kind of better listeners too. We are. Right. We're better listeners over the solvers. Hey guys, sometimes just listen. Exactly. Well, that's what we talk. I think that men because they are like innately

problem solvers and they're like, you know, we're trying to check out. We just like such. I'm just saying it with love and compassion. Right. Exactly. We're like, that's okay. You're good. I'm listening. But guys, you're like, well, you should do this and make this call. I'm just saying, I'm just loving compassion. Exactly. You're like, that's okay. You're good. I'm listening. But guys, you're like, well, you should do this. You make this call. I'm like, no, no, this is the part where you listen and you tell me it's going to be okay.

I can't even talk. Right. Maybe you just don't talk. Don't speak. So that's okay. God, and there's so much talk about here. Brooke, so yeah, that's you. Brooke, I'll see you in a follower.

We'll do it on our website, but it's Brooke. Brooke, and then Twitter. I'm easy to find. She's so easy. Easy to find so easy easy to find Okay, so I think we should start our Instagram live now because I want to talk about the last time I saw you So let's go to our Instagram There's your little butt coming I might Seriously, okay, so live I don't do okay, and you know what's so too? It's like we did this podcast and every once in a while you're really connect

with somebody or you'll make a relationship. But you'll talk about some real life topics that are so stimulating that you and I have kept this conversation going while we're not on air, like at dinner and at lunches and stuff, we're actually gonna do it again tonight. But we're both regesting on each other's part. I know, because there's some really important conversations

that need to be had that I think. I think so too. It is endless. And my girlfriend's are like, when are you going to do more of that? I can't do this again. Hi. Okay. So your friends were saying, so what we were saying is we've started to continue a friendship

to talk about sex and it's never, never done. So last time I saw you, was a good time. You were saying your friends are continuing the conversation about time you saw me at my house. I saw you at your house. So I had a very spontaneous get together super casual. I don't even remember what the occasion was. Not that we needed an occasion to get together. So invited Emily to come over. Little did I know she was going to be packing

all the knowledge and varying gifts. Oh, I think it was an unplanned birthday party. Yes, but you gave me some great little gifts. And then the conversation started. And I have this kind of big backyard where everybody sort of scattered. And you know, when you're at a party, people gather in different spots. Yeah. All of a sudden, everybody was at one table. I was like, who are these people? I don't know who they are.

They're all there. I mean, you bring out a toy and you bring up sex. In a setting that, for me, I always feel like a super intimate and comfortable at my house, I am shocked at how little friends talk about sex from a knowledgeable point of view with comfort and openness. That's true. So you were like the guest of the year and probably, guys, if you can imagine,

everybody was huddled around her with questions and big eyes and then the husbands were coming over and she was taking out these toys. It was like a bunch of kids who had never seen like Legos or something. It was ridiculous. Like literally. It was like I had the kids who had never seen like Legos or something. It was ridiculous. Literally. It was like I had the new like the new adult, like the new iPhone out and know what it's

CDN. Or they never seen an iPhone. Or yeah. And I'm like, I'm going, what is wrong? Like my girlfriends aren't pretty. Like what is wrong with all of you? And then Emily gave me this amazing gift, which the Crave Vesper necklace. Yes.

The Vibrator. Beautiful Vibrator. Long gold Vibrator. Long gold vibrator necklace comes in Rose Gold, gold white gold or silver. But it doesn't look like a kinky vibrator. It actually looks like a gold pencil. Like you have to link them up, pencil. It's very feminine and very modern and very chic. And then it actually screws off

so you could do whatever you want to do with it. I wear the necklace all the time, like it's a piece of jewelry. And nobody knows. Yeah, right. It's your little secret. So I feel like a little McGiver, this like sexy little McGiver, and nobody knows. They don't know. Right. But you're like, oh, my husband knows. So it's super hot. I love it. I love that. That was really fun. I have to tell you what happened the other day. So I have a lot of my long necklaces hanging in my bathroom. I'm one of my bathroom

cabinet knobs so they don't get tangled. Right. And I go into my bathroom and my son, who's nine. I come into the bathroom and he's wearing the long neck list. It's like, mom, this is so cool. What, where did you get this? And I'm like, oh, yeah, that's like, I knew Pusa jewelry. I'm a friend and I'm like, gave it to me.

And then he has the vibrator on. He's like, how come it vibrates? And I'm like, oh, wow. Think, think, think. Right. And I'm like, oh wow, think, think, think. Right, good. And I'm like, well, it's one of those trick necklaces. I had to like pull one out of my ass to try. I go, it's one of those trick necklaces

where you turn it on, it's vibrating, and nobody knows, and you're wearing it, and you go to hug your friend, and all of a sudden it's like, zap! It's like one of those tricks, like, you have your finger, like the finger zap, like it's like that is the coolest magic necklace ever. I'm literally sitting there going, oh my God.

That's really how and the why does it vibrate, mom? I guess you could say it's a massager for your back, but that was even better. Still too much information. That's it. So did he say, check, check neck. He wanted one. He wanted one.

He thought it was the coolest thing. And he did want to bring it to school. Can you imagine? Check out the necklace that my mom, he has that vibrates. I was like, no, you can't bring that one. That's a great story. That's the, and you did want to bring it to school. Can you imagine? Check out the checklist that my mommy has that vibrates. I was like, no, you can't bring that one for sure. That's a great story. That's why, okay. So today when you leave we're giving you the UV, do we have one?

We could show that's like out of the box. And we talked about this last time. We did, and I don't know, it didn't get sent to you, so we're going to deliver to you. And the UV is, it is a self-cleaning. It cleans stores and sanitizes your toys. You can even sanitize your iPhone and charge it and it goes in a really neat box by your bed. Well, I've never seen one.

I know, and I've been talking to you about it for months and here it is. But we were talking about the element of responsibility and safety and all joking aside, being a really responsible parent when it comes to this subject of sex, which there's nothing wrong with it, but there's an element of protection required when you have kids in the house.

And you know, you're married and you have a house full of children and you don't want to have to worry about that. I get it. I've never even heard of this. So, well, it's brand new. We did a kickstarter for all gonna be grownups. I think it's a really responsible thing to have. Yeah, because we did a kickstarter for them

because everybody, so many of my friends, I've given them toys like, what do I do when the kid finds it? Or they don't even take a toy for me, because they're like, my kid's gonna find it. So they came up with it, it stores clean sanitizers, you're looking at it. And look, you can't tell what it is,

and it's got a lock on it. I love that it locks. Because we know that our kids are really sneaky. I was a sneaky kid. I was looking through stuff, not that I was looking for something, but they're innocently so curious, and if your children don't really understand boundaries,

I mean, I was that kid. I don't want to drawers all the time. I don't want to run into something. I found a joint in my mom's door. I was like, well, what? Yeah, you were probably looking for it. I was like, no, that was the old girl. I was like, why isn't she in those joints anyway?

I didn't know what it was. I know, I know. It's kind of scary to think about what your kids might run into. I know, but you've got to be careful about that. This is yours. Oh, this is cool, right? Oh, and it's got the lock. It's got a lock.

So you put it in here. Oh, wow. And it's like, so it's got, um, this is brilliant. Does this one just want to run? That's a lot of it. So have they been around for a while? No, they just, that's why you get your zack. But look how chic this is.

I mean, this looks like a little like a weapon box. Can I ask you a kind of a dumb question? No, you're not going to be. No, dumb question. You're being the expert, because I'm the one of other people are wondering this too. You're talking about like UV and sanitizing. So how important is that?

Oh, that's a great question. It's a big sanitary, of course, duh. OK. It kills 99.9% of all high-end pro bacteria. And every here's the problem with toys, every single. And the one we do invented it, first of all, Carrie is because she actually has an infection from using a toy and she was using a toy that you didn't want because the thing is we use it and we

just had orgasm and we throw it back in the drawer. We don't think like, oh, I got to wipe it down or you might be on how to do clean it or if it's electric or it has a charger or it has bad or whatever. Exactly. You don't know what to do. Which by the way, a damp cloth is the best thing. Like a damp cloth with a little bit of like soap if you want, but that's the best way. Always wipe it down. And then you might clean it afterwards, but if you clean it, then you put it back in your

door, then dust can collect. So like, how am I going to do it? And also, so you can get a really bad infection. You can get bacteria if you don't clean it. And then what happens is like one time. Time like germphobic. No, it's an important question because I I mean it's it is the best question and the reason why So they were I had story for years ago when my housekeeper came I before the UV was invented oh we've toy

I'm gonna give you some toy cleaner You are gonna leave us some toys again. I always learn so much when I'm here And I leave with so many important goodies So this is toy from Joe system Joe and this refreshes your toys like toys. Like if you don't have time, if you, you know, if you're on a trip, whatever. Toy cleaner. By system Joe. Joe refresh. Toy cleaner.

Toy cleaner. It's really important. So the thing is, is that you can, yeah, so it cleans them in the, oh wait, but here's the other thing. So it's really important because you can get bacteria and it can get infection. But also, what a bummer when you go to use a toy and it's not charged. Yeah. And you're like, oh, it's not charged.

Yeah. So the whole thing, it's all done in here and you can do your cell phone and. Okay. Clean. Awesome. That's yours. And you keep mentioning the cell phone to like it charges your cell phone. It'll like it.

It'll like it. It'll like it. It'll like it. It'll like it. It'll like it. It'll like it. It'll like it. It'll like it.

It'll like it. It'll like it. It'll like it. It'll like it. It'll like it experimental things into their release. It's like a phone charger, and by the way, there happens to be a few toys in their trash can. Exactly, however you just like the necklace, the necklace vibe. If I had known that you were in it,

they had already given you vibrators, I might have given you the Vesper as like a starter vibe. Yeah, it's necklace. I love that your son picked it up out of everything. I know, I know. But I like to like modular and like modern and cool, because I know you see everything, but there's some crazy looking things out there and especially if you're experimenting.

Yeah. They're pretty intimidating. I think about my girlfriends at the party. Okay, so first of all, I love all your friends. Like I think I've heard from them. We've been texting. I love your friends. They're just trying to suck more information out of you.

That's fine. Hey, we should, but they're super cool. They're using you for sexual tips. That's fine. And I'm a good time. But, you know, it was funny because I super cool. They're using a sexual tips. That's fine. I'm fine. And I'm a good time. But it was funny because I think I started first with like a little literal, I know David was so funny.

Your husband, because he ran upstairs, he's like, I'll go get the toys you gave us. Right. Clean. They were clean. They came down. Don't take their unused. But first of all, there's all these people. And I didn't know there were them.

Many people at the party because you have like a beautiful lawn and people like that they didn't know they were mine. I'm like, babe, this is way too much. Oh, no, right is way too much information. No, right. This is right. Did this question just come on the Instagram? Yeah, that's a great question.

How to get your partner not to be uncomfortable by going to a sex store? Okay, that's good. Because I get asked a lot, how do you get your partner not to use a sex store? As long as he's into even just the, it's an experience. In fact, sex toy stores are not like what they used to be. It's not like you've to like sneak in down the,. I think of a bunch of men smoking cigars like watching their guy release to be off the side of the road. I mean, I don't know where you live, but there are great tours like Haasar Hallewood.

There's Bay Blan and Pleasure Chas. There's good vibrations in a lot of cities. And you walk in and it's just like on date night, I say you go to dinner, have a glass of wine and you walk into these stores. And it's not like they're like in your face, and it's like these crazy dildos everywhere. I mean, they are, but they're very tastefully done. Actually, can I say one thing? Yes. Of course.

On the other side, because I was just so normal and so familiar for you. I think it's okay to be a little uncomfortable. Right. I remember the first time that I went into the pleasure chest. I was so nervous. Like, I felt like a little bit, my heart was pounding. I was so nervous. Like I felt like a little bit, my heart was pounding. I was so nervous and I was like, oh my God.

Where do you start? Where do you start? Everywhere. I'm like, would you ask questions? Everybody's so professional in there. Right. And so knowledgeable. But you see stuff that, not you,

you've seen everything. No, but never seen it. Right, you're right. But it's very clinical, very professional. But I was really nervous. But that wouldn't happen. Well but I was really nervous. But that wouldn't happen. Well, I was really excited. It was kind of hot.

Then you bought some stuff, it's like, we're playing. Right, right, no you're right. And it is okay. I'm not having a wig on and so on and so on. It's exactly, exactly. But besides that, it was a great time. The thing is you do go into these stores, if you go into the Rapida ones,

and they live sex toys. It's like me working on a flight. It's perfectly normal, anything that you could ask for them. And they're actually educating and teaching you, like you were in a doctor's office learning how to use a new prescription. Like it's perfectly clinical. It is. Why over the first time I went to I mean, I was like fresh off the bus from San Francisco This is gonna give you the experience so she can understand. Yes, follow up another question from the Instagram live What's the best way to open up and be more experimental and bring new and different toys into your sex life?

Like you have your favorite go-to, but what about trying something totally new? How do you even brooch that topic for discussion? How do you start? Well, I think when you go to the sex toy store and yes, it's going to be awkward and uncomfortable at first. I think the two of you together can say, you know what, let's check out the bondage section, for example, and to me, you don't have to go off if the shades are gray, but I love sport sheets

because I don't know if I gave you any of the Velcro cuffs and stuff, they're really well done because they're like, they like a beginner bondage kit, get some cuffs, they're again, Velcro, not the keys. Like, I remember in college, I got like, don't want the keys, the keys got locked to the bed, and we like had to call something. Like, that's a nightmare.

How embarrassing. So embarrassing. I think we were drunk and passed out with like handcuffs on. That doesn't happen anymore, because the sports sheets ones are, Belcro, they, so you get a blindfold, and then you get like cuffs,

and you just say, like, you'll blindfold me. That's it, that's playful. And then you can give them a massage. You can just, because every time you take away one sense, like, sight, everything else becomes more heightened. So you can give each other a massage. You can tickle each other with feathers. Shannon, do you want to grab? We're going to do this now.

You want to grab some of the sport sheets, feathery stuff. And you get some ticklers, and you just play. Like literally, it's playing. You think about the kind of like a toy out of it. Yeah. And there's something sweet and hot too about the vulnerability and the excitement and the newness, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's true. And do you know that when you try something new in a relationship, that it actually increases adrenaline and testosterone, so you actually are both getting more connected and excited, which is what so many couples I think

are lacking, right? So you take one of these like ticklers, right? And you put a blindfold on them. So close your eyes. It's cool. Let's see. Don't know what's coming next, right? And you put a blindfold on them. So close your eyes. It's pretty cool, okay. Don't know what's coming next, right? And so that, oh, do we have to candle it to? This is so perfect. Okay, so your eyes are closed. And I'm like, hey babe, and I'm just start tickling. You don't know that's coming, right? That feels good.

It smells good, right? Yeah. Okay, but then check this out. This is amazing. Hold on a minute. Keep your eyes closed. So this is a massage candle, okay? This is from Donna.

It smells amazing. It's warm oil, right? It's not like messy, waxy stickier hot. And you take a little bit. So. Oh wow. Feel that. Nice.

Right, so you will take all. How does that feel? It's warm. Really good, really sexy. But you know what, it's so interesting. You would ask her clothes, and you don't know it's happening. Exactly. Can we get a tissue though? Oh, that's major.

So this is warm. So that's kind of cool. Yeah, so it's warm oil, and it's like, so when you're giving a massage, it's oily. It's oily. It's oily, it's a cognacic. It's a Moistrable massage. It's a kissable massage candle.

It smells amazing. It doesn't run your sheets. And so you don't know what's coming. Everybody listen to you. What is she doing to her? I know. So that was very hot and mysterious. That was fun, right?

You know the day. It's going to want me to bring it in some time. You will give you some. So that's fun. I love it. You could do some ice cubes by the bed. So you don't, when you take away one sense again, you take all you play with ice cubes, you play with.

I think the element of darkness is hot. Yeah, exactly. You know what's kind of hot too? It's kind of hot too. This is going to sound really weird. It's not about shyness or insecurity, but sex and belief darkness is kind of different and hot too.

I really like beautiful light and candlelight and the right music and you set the mood and so that you can connect and blah, blah, blah, but the burner, but total darkness. Yeah, no, it's rare. No, because why is it pitch black in here? But don't you think? Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Because it's different. And it's actually because if you're always having sex with the lights on or candlelight, when you have the total darkness, it can be so hot. Because first of all, if you do have any of those insecurities where you're like, how do I look or what do I do? You can kind of totally be you. Do you make the faces?

Do the things you're doing. Not worry about it, but also, again, you don't really know what's happening. And maybe the other senses are kicking them. Like, remember that scene from 50 Shades of Grey, which I know the movie wasn't wow, but where the, you know, the headphones are on and the opera music is blaring and it's, she's blindfolded. So all of these other senses are kicking in because she can't hear anything except she's

lost in the journey of this incredible symphony. And she can't see anything. Right. So that was my sexy. You're right. And it is all, so that's what we're talking about. So if you've got Instagram, libraries are going to have to teach your podcast.

So I'm giving you guys a way too much information. I know. There's so many things. I love it. It's so fun. Because here's the thing, and you're so right that when you want to spice things, so the question was really like, how do we keep things interesting and exciting, which is the question I get us all the time, and probably why people are always so fascinated about toys and play.

It really is such a good point that sight, sound, touch, scent, so that candle, it smells like chocolate, but it's also like the oil feels really good, and you can put ice cubes and play with feathers, and listen to music that gets you in the mood. So all of that stuff sets the stage, so you're not just in the bedroom, doing the same thing you always do,

you take your pants off, you have your sex, it's over, you roll over, you watch sports at her. Like not so different. It's sort of like taking you out of that watching somebody watching you moment. Right. Which is kind of like method, but it's sometimes people are uncomfortable watching somebody watching themselves. Do you know what I mean?

If they are, what do you mean? Well, it's sort of like you're wondering what does this person think? It is my body. Oh right. It's a shen or you're all in your head and you're watching them watching you and it can be very, because it gets dark.

It gets dark. Right. It's a speech or an actor taking them self out of the moment because they're so worried about the impression of the other person. Exactly. I don't know if you're gonna

go with it. Absolutely. Yes, and I think that that's a good point that during sex I think that a lot of women and men, we get stuck in our heads and we're so worried about what's our partner thinking? Are they judging my partner? Do they notice I have a, my left boob is bigger than my right boob or I have a dimple on my cheek or I gain one pound, whatever it is.

And I always tell women, your partner is so happy to be having sex with you right now that they're not thinking any of that, but that often does. Certainly. It's not the same stuff you're thinking. No, it's just something. It's not that. And but that often does. It certainly doesn't. I'm thinking the same stuff you're thinking. It's not that. It's not that. And that's for sure. It's something else.

And I always say that he's just so happy to be having sex with you and he's connected. But we worry. Another Instagram live question, what's the best way to initiate sex? Oh, hello. That's a great question. I, yeah, how do I like to initiate sex?

How don't I like to initiate sex? I think if you walk into my house and there's a bunch of like ticklers and feathers and candles, it just naturally happens for me. I feel like it's more about the energy that you put out there. So I get asked this question a lot. And for me, it's like, it has, I have to be in the right place. So the more you think about it and you're like, what do I do? What's the right move? But if you know you're gonna have sex and you start thinking about it, like I'm gonna have sex tonight, maybe you masturbate,

maybe you wear something that makes you feel sexy, not your part, doesn't matter what your part in thinks. And sex is already on your mind, so let's have a date. I know someone's coming over and I know or someone I'm dating, let's say. And they're coming over. I'm already thinking about it. I've got music playing, I've got candles going

and they come in, we make out. It's like, it's just gonna happen because I'm not overthinking it in the mood set and I'm just going to, you know, like even if you don't have all the accoutrements, but my mind isn't as sexual space and in my body and I'm breath, I'm not overthinking things, it's just going to feel my energy. Yeah, I know totally, insetting the mood. I think, I like. I like.

I like. I like. I like. I like initiator and an outspoken way. I think dialogue is really important. I think most men want their partner to be more aggressive and to initiate more. I get asked that a lot too. And it's really uncomfortable, I think,

for a lot of women I don't know why. But I think the subtlety of setting the mood, maybe it's a little whisper. Is there to be sex talk or something dirty? Just something sweet and provocative, just sort of like sets the tone. Yeah, exactly. No, totally.

And you're so right, if you're in it, if you're in it, it's just one way to happen. And so that's why if your brain gets on board with your body, it's all gonna happen. But you're right, a lot of men do email me, I'm talking about heterosexual couples, but it happens in every relationship

or like why won't my partner initiate sex more often. And I think that, you know, that it's a thing and I think that we also overthink it. So if you're like, but that doesn't help me, if you're not sure what to do, you could ask your partner who's making this request of you, why aren't you initiating more you say babe, I would love to initiate sex more.

What would that look like for you? What would turn you on the most? So maybe he'll say to you, I walk in the door and you're standing wearing that sexy lingerie that I bought you when we were in Italy and the cat in my favorite song is playing and boom, then you know, or he's like, just grab my, you know, just grab my balls. I don't know.

I don't know what, maybe spank me. I don't know what your partner did to you. But you're so smart to turn it around and actually ask them, which sort of means I am willing, but help me out here. I guess I'm really struggling. That's so smart.

I just think the dialogue helps everything enhances everything and makes your relationship closer and empowers you to be able to give your partner more of what they need, as long as you're comfortable with it. That's true. I'm still so blown away at how uncomfortable most people are about talking about intimacy. Yeah, they are. They don't even know what intimacy means. They're afraid because we're all so afraid of not being loved and being rejected. And it's just it's so hard to talk about. But yeah, it's like anything the more you talk about, it's going to get easier. I keep asking questions.

So the reason why that may be resonated with you, you're like, oh, ask it back is because what I hear a lot is that people, they're like, I asked my partner that I told her that I wanted to initiate more, for example, or I told him I needed more for a play and it didn't happen. So here's the thing, asking once, we don't like to be told. Right. Asking once or even twice does not change your behavior. Whenever you've wanted to change your behavior, it doesn't happen the first time you decide,

no, it takes work. But also, you might not know what that looks like. You actually might need more information. You could say, babe, I was thinking what you said about wanting more for play. Let's say, what exactly does that look like people are like for play for play, what does that mean? Maybe your partner for your partner

that means asking me how my day was. No matter so right, we're not mind readers. We are not mind readers and we expect our partners to be mind readers. We can get just readers and we expect our partners to be mind readers. We can get just about anything we need with open conversation. Exactly. You're so right. Yeah, so that's a great question. That was so fun. It's fun. We're going to keep talking though. So listen to the podcast. Yeah, I got a podcast. Thank you everyone. It was a blast. I love that.

I know. It's fun to bring people into this conversation, right? It is. It's really good. And I'm so glad that you are your hair game. We can talk about the follow. One of the things that might comes up a lot in conversation with other women, and I'm always curious too, you know, when we approach these conversations, how do we keep it PG and what do we talk about? And you know, you're such a plethora of knowledge in a respectful way. I'm curious what other women want to know.

One of the things that came up was, why do just on a chemical level, why is sex so much more prominent and top of the mental spectrum for a man than a woman? Like, why are we women who enjoy sex? Women who have no issues with intimacy. Women who are having great orgasms in their marriage, partner's relationships, whatever, who truly love sex. Why are we not thinking about it more often, initiating, right, desire?

And I'm talking about women who love it. Right. Exactly. And this is a conversation that comes up a lot with my married friends and their husbands. I have a couple of their husbands. I could have sex with my wife three times a day. I'm like, no, you could not. That's bull.

And he's like, I am dead serious. And there was a group of husbands we were at a dinner. And they were talking about how often they think about sex. I could not believe it, honestly. I'm like, call you guys, come on. They're like, no, seriously. I could be exhausted at the end of the day working and I'm still thinking about having sex with my wife.

I mean, this is a guy like with really high testosterone cut in the case. But why? It's a great question. Well, first of all, it's the way that we get aroused, right? For men, it's just, really, it's a great question. Well, first of all, it's the way that we get aroused, right? For men, it's just, really, it's like I say, women are slow cookers and men are frying pans. If I could think of a better analogy for it, I will one day,

but it's just like, we just get turned on differently. We need so many more things to be aligned. We want for play first. We want to be connected to our partner. We want intimacy. And then when our brain gets onboarded, like our body's gonna follow and get turned on for men. They see you, they're turned on and like buying, you know, they're like, right.

They're like, other things that might just turn them on. I mean, it's just exactly. It's so fast. It's kind of a drag. It is a drag. It's a nature. It's like, it's a way of messing with us. Well, like, of course, it's a problem.

And when you're in the new stage, so NRE, new relationship energy, it's not a problem. When you first six months to two years in a relationship, you're like, we want sex all the time, but it's going to change. And that's it's really about the way we get around and the way it's not that men sometimes women don't want it more than men. But I know what you're saying that we just it's not as top of mind. And so that's why it's so important for women to continue to masturbate, pleasure themselves, and prioritize sex and their relationship.

So I'm not saying you're ever going to be like men with the way you're getting aroused and intimacy, but you will keep it tough. There's like working out. You're like, you know what? I'm going to prioritize sex so the more that I masturbate or I think, or I know that we have an sex somewhere else. So today I'm going to start like, send him a sexy text. Like I can't wait for it.

Do you think how much you do it the more you want? Is today I'm gonna start like send him a sexy text. Like I can't work for too much. The more you want. Yes. Is that true? That's like more like a fact. Can't make it. Yes. It is a fact that the more that you are having orgasms and release your serotonin, your dopamine,

all those feel good hormones that are released during orgasm, that's what happens. So the more you masturbate, the more you want to. And they'll have sex, they'll have orgasm. You're gonna crave it more. So the more you masturbate, the more you want to, and I have sex, I have orgasm, you're gonna crave it more. And the more you have novelty and nudist in your relationship, the more you're gonna want it. And I know that sounds exhausting,

and I'm not saying that you got a poor, the most sad stuff. I don't know. I mean, something to do. This is bullshit. Someone do, and it's just the way it is, and it's just like, and I think it changed over time as men's

testosterone drops as they get older. It's really the way it's our DNA, the way we're wired. And we need to talk about that a little bit too, because I had that brilliant conversation with Dr. Chris Sondra. I listened to the podcast. I learned so much in that interview, just about hormones and hormone replacement therapy, and how much of a role testosterone plays in both the female and the male anatomy from brain fog to sleep to energy, obviously libido and lean muscle mass.

I was really surprised. I were talking about Dr. Chris Assandra and he was on your podcast, The Brook Burke Show. I can never say it. I love saying the name. The Brook Burke. The Brook Burke Show. And I listened to that and I've gone to see him as well and he's fascinating because I do I don't understand why with women or any doctors you could a Western doctor and he is a Western doctor but he just happens to like employ a lot of different ways of he

knows a lot more about like hormones. He's all about feeling good and operating at your optimal level. I mean just to break it down when quite simple. That was right. Yeah exactly. That makes sense. No, it does make sense. And you go to your doctor, no, I don't know why they don't test hormone levels. Like, you have to ask them for that specifically. And even if they do, like if I went to my general practitioner.

Yeah, totally. I'm like, in my age where I'm at, you should be checking that. And they don't. And even if they check it often, more often than not, there's such a wide range of high and low and normal. And also how the body changes as we get older. Like, I wanted to ask you about that a little bit because there's a lot of talk amongst my friends about a lot of this vaginal rejuvenation and not only surgeries, but these lasers that

are out right now that you're finding more and more in OBGYN offices. And also Dr. Chris Assandra has one in his office that like Yeah, Titans and helps you create more naturally more lubrication. Yeah, it's like a five-minute procedure It's like done right so it's like amazing. No, it's a miracle. It's amazing. What's going on right now? And I remember he was talking about it. I'm like come on really. Oh, yeah Well, we'll talk about vaginal rejuvenation And I want to say like I said I'd a daughter between your friends and actually one of your friends actually texted me because she was stating someone knew and she's like, you know what?

I don't even know what kind of condoms to get anymore. It's been a long time. I think she's going through divorce. It's a long time. I started using condoms. And what I love is I actually have an answer for it because there's one condom that I'm obsessed with because I thought growing up that there's condoms were bummer.

And you hear every excuse in the world. And I definitely use those excuses like sex feels worse with the condom, you can't feel anything. Or some guys are like, every condom's too small for me. Like settle down dude. Yeah, you wish it was too small for you. But you know, what if I said like that I found out like I had not tried the right condom

and that's when I realized I tried skin condoms, SKYN, I thought, oh condoms can feel good and they do actually make sex better. Skin condoms are made from polyisoprene so they're non-latex and honestly, they don't feel like any other condom. And here's why they're cool. You can keep that intimate connection.

They transfer the heat and sensation like they're not even there. It's like literally a different condom experience. I'll give you some to give to your friends. There's no need to worry about size issues. There's plenty of options or you grab a variety pack to find which is best for you. It's kind of like buying a bunch of our breeders, but you're buying different condoms. So you can buy skin condoms pretty much everywhere or go to sexwithemily.com slash

condom, which would be amazing. I would love if you went to sexwithemily.com slash condom to see how you can save 20% today. That's on my site. And it's slash condom, CON, DoM, their skin, SKYN, and literally every person I've ever told to get them or I've given them skin condoms, they're like, oh my God, I'm never going back. So, that's about skin condoms. Wow.

Yeah, I know. I don't really see how you can get condoms. I mean, it's going to sound really weird, but yeah, I know. I don't really see a lot of these condoms. I mean, it's gonna sound really weird, but yeah, I mean, I've been married for so long, and even you're in a binogamous relationship and it's safe and you've been responsible and checked. It's just not something that really ever comes up, and you're so right, all the stereotypes about condoms,

like, right? I don't even, I don't even know, I don't even see condoms. Exactly! Stop your kids, right? Maybe we should leave condoms out of them. He's a way of it. No, I know.

How old are you, oldest I know? I have teenage daughters. Oh gosh, he's a way of it. I know. How old are your oldest? I know. And I have teenage daughters. So are these condoms made out of a different material? Yeah, they're probably isoprene, so they're non-latex. So a lot of women have latex allergies. And also latex allergies. And how would you know if you had a latex allergy?

I would start to itch, or you'd start to feel uncomfortable down there. You wouldn't really know what it is. And the thing about latex allergies is that they actually build up over time. So the more exposed you are to latex, like doctors, you lose latex blood. Yes. They can develop a latex allergies is that they actually build up over time. So the more exposed you are to latex, like doctors who use latex products, they can develop for latex. Yeah, and they feel they're like soft, like you can open one later, you can feel one, but they're just cool.

So it's a good thing to know if anyone asks you. All right, fun. So you're actually at the lasers. So there's a lot of talk right now about these vaginal, rejuvenating, I don't even know the right term, lasers. I mean, we know there's been surgeries available for a long time and some of that's in security, some of its vanity, some of its physical and I mean, you'll have to speak to this, but you know, the anatomy changes and childbirth.

Yes, it does change. But people are talking about this really simple, easy like five minute, yeah, and go have a laser. Where's the thing? So would it change? For a giant change, exactly. Like you're a giant change laser.

If a giant change, you're a game changer laser. Well, here's the thing, people first started talking about vaginal rejuvenation. It was labial plasticism. They were behind. That was the word I couldn't say. It was like, I remember five, something, I remember how many years ago, but there was a lot of people in the,

I'm very sex positive in the community of sex educators. That's so, it's all about insecurities. Why would, because what they were essentially doing is women were like, I'm looking a lot of a gin is important. They don't look like mine. I want mine to look this certain way, and I want to be like tighter. And so they'd go and get these surgeries.

And the problem was, is that, first of all, every vagina is beautiful. Don't be comparing yourself to what you see anywhere else. If you feel good about it and you're having great sex, like it doesn't matter. So to me, the cosmetic angle to it, which is a thing. I'm so glad you're saying that, because they all do look different.

And I think too. There's a real element of insecurity and I'll be vulnerable and just saying to you before I had my children and I was married to a plastic surgeon at the time, I was really wondering like what's going to happen to my body and is everything going to change and then how am I going to feel and is it still going to be pretty and am I going to need that. And that was like back in the day when that was like first becoming a popular thing. And before I even knew whether I was going to need it or not, I was already

worrying about it. I was already in my head going, like get right. And before I even knew whether I was going to need it or not, I was already worrying about it. Exactly. I was already in my head going, like, right? And then I sometimes think, what are women like in the mirror staring at that and feeling like, I got to say I'm like a facelift or something. Yeah. Right? But then they, well, they are.

They're looking at it. They're going, what's wrong? Because it's true. Okay. You have a baby, a human being come out of your body. There's going to be some stuff going. It's not going to be the same as it was, but it can heal over time. And try that. You have a baby, a human being come out of your body, there's gonna be some stuff going, it's not gonna be the same as it was,

but it can heal over time, doing it to the end of the way. And try that, it doesn't mean that it has to change too. So for anybody that has fear and who's thinking, like, get over yourself, don't worry about it. Like, mother nature is gonna take its course. Sometimes the body responds, sometimes it doesn't, and sometimes things can be perfectly, imperfectly perfect, right?

Exactly, right. I mean, you know, so did you feel like that there was a lot of... It was an unnecessary concern that I had before I needed to even worry about it. That's a tricky way to put it, exactly. It's because we worry about everything, right? So that's the thing, and the problem with these labial plastic, the early labial was that they would just, it was cosmetic. And what would happen is they weren't doing like women weren't doing key electrolyzes,

they weren't doing anything to tighten. So it was really cosmetic and then after six months to a year it would be back to how it was and it was just to make them look pretty. And that I have a problem with. With these lasers that I've started to hear about, they actually, they're used for two reasons. You can do cosmetics so women can I be honest with you?

This is what I do watch porn. I don't even, yes I look at mine, but I feel like I love my my bowl of all my vagina. I've always been like, I'm happy with it. I've never compared it to anyone else. I don't even think like that. But I do know that a lot of women have these concerns and that there are these lasers that can be

for external or external internal. It's the external part that if you're doing it just to look like another, are people, you know, these A people bringing of like like Kim Kardashian's butt are like they do They do not do not bring in pictures to want What do they do? No plastic surgeries? What people bring in pictures are very important. Yes, you would bring in pictures of some but I was just saying it wouldn't be Kim Kardashian's butt But yeah, I would bring a picture would you bring in you would bring in pictures of boobs, but I was just saying it wouldn't become Kardashians, but that would bring in. I'm not doing bring all pictures.

I'm not doing bring all pictures. You would bring in pictures of boobs and butts and butts, if you're having cosmetic surgery. And I guess in the vagina space, the same would be true, but I love what you're saying is that you're comfortable and you love your own body. And I think that's so empowering and so super important for women of all shapes and sizes

and ages and stages of their life. Exactly. And I'm also very pro a woman doing anything that she chooses to do to feel better. But I'm also for kind of making every best natural effort first, like what you said about Kegels. And I do a lot with poise. And I do a huge campaign about that about pelvic health and strengthening yourself naturally and whatnot and finding the right products to deal with, you know, light bladder leakage

and whatever. But we're also big on educating women about how to take care of their body. And sometimes we think we need something to correct a physical concern that we might not need. You might need it. Exactly. So the patient's placed a big martinus. So should be patient.

And you see what else you could do in the cat. But this is what I've learned though, about it. So it's the external part that I have a problem with. And I'm not going to say like, but if not I have a problem with, but the lay, okay, but let's talk about the laser. Okay.

Now the lasers are very different. So this is a laser for the external, like for the laser. Anyway, the ones that he has is the laser and you have the external. And so there's, it can work on all different parts. So it's like an external skin or what is it doing? So it can shrink it, it can change the color on the outside, but the internal part here's

what's interesting. The here's the claims that it makes and I think these lasers do work that on the inside, if you want to be tighter and you want more lubrication, it regenerates the cells. And so you can put the laser in I guess for five minutes or two treatments at a time. And it's painless, and it can do a lot of the things that perhaps kegels do after a few tightening for tightening. And for lubrication. And why are we not as lubricated at later stages in life?

Like what happens in the body? It's hormonal as well. It's hormonal. It really is. And that's what's going to happen. Like what that hormone is. It's all about hormones as well. It's hormonal. It really is. And that's what's going to happen. And this laser affects that. This laser can stimulate those cells. It can cause collagen, which is everywhere in our body.

So, and hormones can be the reduction of it. So, by stimulating it to our face. Yeah. I think he said, you can do it to your face. You can do it. You can do it to your face. Yes.

Because we think about collagen simulation. But I never thought about that vaginally. Exactly. So that does the same thing. So I, yeah, Dr. Sandar, tell me about it as well. So I'm looking into all of this stuff. I'm always interested when I hear about new techniques and procedures and what's hype and what works and what's all marketing and advertising. But I know people say this one is really kind of good. Have you and your friends who done it? No, I don't know anyone who has done it. So I think that if you can, like, no, I mean, no, I don't know about it yet, but he has said that women have come in and said,

like, oh, my husband, you know, or I felt much tighter. My husband said it felt tighter, but it was like, the thing about the lasers that I like, it's not just like it's, it's sewing you up at the surgery where you're going to open. It's actually a laser that's, it's a biopin. It's less than that. Yeah, and it's actually, the blood is rushing and you're having more lubrication, so it can work, but I think that, you know,

it's still new, but the lasers today, you know that they're changing every day. That's amazing. Do you think that there's a placebo, but like a mental part of that too? Like, I don't know, you have to speak about it, you know, from an anatomy point of view, but is there, I don't know, like if you did this

and you thought you were gonna be more lubricated and you get ready to have sex and you're all in the mood and you're, you might, you're probably getting more lubricated. It does seem to be getting out of the zone. I thought we should do a study. We should have you got it and I got it. And then we'll both go. Let's experiment.

Okay. I love that. So let's get on some emails. Okay. So I know the people would love to get your advice and my advice and it's going to be a good time. Okay. If you have a question you want me to answer in the show, that's amazing.

You can text me your questions. It's so easy. Text Ask Emily as one word 27979. That's Ask Emily. You can also submit a question from sexwithemily.com via the Ask Emily tab and as always include your gender, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. Hello, Emily. I'm a huge fan and I'm listening to you every day.

I'm a single mom and my daughter is two years old. I've told my friends that dating for me will be harder because I'm a mom and my daughter is still very young. I've tried online dating apps like Tinder and Bumble, but the guys I've matched with will fade after a couple days. I've lost hope in finding a relationship. What should I do? Where should I go?

Do guys can intimidate you when they meet single moms? Would love your advice. Thank you, Nancy, 23 Dallas, Texas. She's a young single mom. Yeah, no, I love that she's reaching out to you for advice and trying to process that. I mean, gosh, you know, the first thing, you know, when she talks about, after a couple of days, you know, she's singling out these guys, well clearly those aren't the right guys. I mean, here's the way I see it.

Being a mother is such an amazing, amazing thing. And we have such a powerful dialogue inside our head. I remember when I was separating from my first husband and I had two kids, I actually thought, it was like 35, I mean 36, I've met like mid 30s. That it was over, I was never gonna find someone. I was at the top of my game in my career and I was like, I'm never gonna find someone30s, that it was over. I was never gonna find someone. I was at the top of my game in my career and I was like, I'm never gonna find someone

who's gonna want me, I have two kids. I was like, what was I crazy? It's the dialogue in our head that totally gets in our way. But here's the thing, like being a mother is a beautiful, miraculous, like gift. And you have to find a person who's willing to embrace that. But I also think it's super important to separate the two. So one of the things that I speak to women a lot about is remembering who you were

even before you were a mother. Remembering who that free-flowing woman was and being able to really tap into that and still be a woman and not just always be a mother. Like to be out on a hot date, you're probably not going to be talking about your kid all the time. That's true. Like my husband and I will go on a date and one of the rules sometimes is, let's not talk about the kids. I love that. That should be a rule for a lot of couples.

I think, why would you go on your date night or whatever and talk about the kids? Sometimes. And like the whole dating thing, you know, my girlfriend who's been a single mom has dated a lot. And she's now in a full-blown, beautiful, serious relationship. She also has a degree in child psychology. so she's very smart and protective of her

child, but she chose to keep it extremely separate for a very long time until it became serious. And that was not only for her, but for the protection of her daughter's just heart and tenderness and jealousy, and there's so many emotions that come into play. But I think, unless you're having a well a well thought out kind of dissected relationship, you don't have to bring your daughter, especially at two. No, the daughter isn't at two. It's up to it.

And I think you're right, that's so important that parents think like, oh, our kids have to meet right away. No, I think that you definitely keep that separate from the person you're dating. But I think she is 23. I think that young guys might not be ready for the kid thing. I feel a little scary.

I get that. I'm probably not the right guy. Maybe they're also a little older, because let me tell you, 23, for sure, you probably want to be dating someone the kid thing. I feel a little scary. I get that. I'm crying not the right guy. Maybe they're also a little older because let me tell you 23. First of all, you probably want to be dating someone who's a little bit older. I was just going to say a 23-year-old guy like, I'm sorry. I'm going to say, it's a lovely guy. It's a lovely guy. It's a lovely guy.

I'm really bad at interesting. This is a start there. No, not at all. I mean, please, maybe just for sex. But I think that if you're not finding luck on the apps, tell everybody you know that you're single. Your friends, your coworkers, your neighbor. And again, people like, well that sounds desperate.

No, it doesn't. Like you just are like, how are you good? If you know any nice people, like people that you know, please fix me up with them. And they might not even think of someone today, but tomorrow they'll be out, they'll meet someone. And I think you should also say yes

to a lot of invitations that come in that maybe you wouldn't normally go to, like a barbecue or someone's birthday, like I'm facing a book here. You never know where he might be. He never goes to your store. Like your man could be anywhere. I totally agree with that. And you gotta embrace the power and the beauty of being a mother.

And I also 100% in full transparency. So trying to downplay it or not be forthcoming with that, I think would not be smart, but I think it's not really about your child in those early stages. It's really about you as a woman and a connection. And then, you know, when love like all things are, all things become possible, right?

Exactly. Everything's possible. And you might find someone who is like, well, I'm sure you, I know you will find someone. And they'll be in love with the fact that you have a daughter and you can have another kid as well. And so I just think that right now,

the biggest obstacle is probably unancy and the thoughts in your head and maybe Tinder and Bumble aren't the places for you. I know I have a friend who, she went back to match because you have to write more about it, you have to pay to be on it and you kind of weed out, you're not swiping, maybe they have a swap, maybe it's an app now too,

but it's still online, I'm sure it isn't app. It's not just whatever. I haven't used it, but she's finding good guys. Well, you know what, to that point, and I'll just say this real quickly, so we can get another question. But my girlfriend, then I just spoke to you about who finally found like this angel,

like she's in a full-blown loving relationship with a man and with a daughter, the whole thing, it's all beautiful. But this is a woman who was like dating queen. She was like my crazy wild, hot, single girlfriend, and by dating, I mean, like she was dating. Right. She was doing the side. She was doing everything. She was like my crazy wild, hot single girlfriend. And by dating, I mean, like she was dating. Right. She was doing the side.

She was doing everything. She was doing it. And when she finally released the fact that I'm going to really focus on my career and myself as a woman and now my daughter, and I'm not desperately seeking Mr. Wonderful anymore, and she let it go. I remember the day I had dinner with her and I was like, really? She was like, yeah, I'm kind of good right now. I'm good in my own feminine space.

Bam! The next thing you know, here comes Mr. Wonderful. So there was something, you know, about accepting, nappy, yeah, being comfortable where you're at and you'll come along and you're 20, yeah, that's a good place. It's true, they say that. Not everyone can say that when it's true,

that it can't be true, that when you're not looking is when it happens, or when you're feeling more complete and whole as a human, as a woman, that's when you're gonna connect someone who's also. You give off more way better energy. You do. That's true. I think. Okay, one more. Yeah. Hey Emily, I listen to your show as much as I can,

and it's great. I'm happily married man with two young children. My wife and I've been together for 12 years, married for seven. I love my wife, we're great for each other in almost every way. However, I do have a very active sexual fantasy life. Since puberty, I've always dreamed about sex parties, orgies, and group sex. Also, I fantasize about simple sex with other women. I would never hurt my wife or Chi-Anna or so that's out of the question. I've mentioned my fantasies to her and she's

totally shocked. She's a serious feminist, very sex positive, and already had her experimentation phase. I never acted on my fantasies. She indicated no interest in what I shared, expresses contentment with our pretty basic sex life. She wasn't upset that conversation just surprised. It's pretty much an obsession of mine. I think about this every day and every time I even see a pseudo-attractive woman, how should I deal with these constant thoughts?

I wish I'd go away so I won't throw the pressure. Hope to hear from you soon and thanks, George 34 Vermont. This is a little more complex. There's a lot going on here, George. So here's the thing, let's talk about like two kinds of fantasies. There's the fantasies that we actually want to happen.

And we want to act on maybe we'll say babe tonight Let's dress up and do some role playing or let's find a third partner or let's have an orgy You actually want it to happen But I understand that your wife might not totally get George at these fantasies. You don't actually want to act on So it's okay to keep those separate. There's actually nothing wrong with that in fact You mean don't share him keep you don't have to share him. Yeah, you have to share. And it's okay to even think about them when you're having sex, even with your wife. I agree with you. I mean, you're right. Some fantasies are for reality and some fantasies should just remain fantasies and they're for your

own sexual desire and pleasure and they're very mental. And I think if you're in a relationship with a partner who might not share that same philosophy, some of them can remain private. I mean, they're stimulating. You know what concerned me about his email, those are his poor guys, torture, George, because he's saying that's constant thought. So, like, what's healthy and what's exactly- Exactly.

No judgment. I'm asking the question, like, what's not manageable and disturbing where you're being tortured because you've got this constant influx of these really can't give it like. Exactly. I feel bad for George. I feel bad for George. I know. I feel so bad for George.

Well, here's two things I have to say. First of all, you're saying you've never hurt your wife or cheat on her and that's out of the question. And I'm going to take you at your word here that you really are not going to cheat on her. And you mentioned your fantasies to her and I'm wondering if it's because you were hoping that maybe she'd come on board with some of them or you're just sharing them because you thought it would be hot to kind of role play or talk about them with her.

But you're saying she indicated no interest in what I shared and expressed its content. So it sounds to me like you would like to spice things up in your sex life and you're not going to cheat on her. Okay, that's great. So what can you do? If you guys have been together a while, I'm hoping that your wife is willing to participate in prioritizing your sex life. Maybe orgies are out of the question, that's okay, there's gotta be something. It could even be watching porn where there's an org and you're talking dirty door. Maybe

there's even a porn going where you're finding scenes that turn you on and you guys are watching it together and then you're having sex after. Or maybe, you know, there's a lot of people who just talking dirty with their partner when you're having sex, or like, you know, there's a lot of people who just talking dirty with their partner when you're having sex, you're like, I'm picturing you with someone else right now and that could be really hot. That can work for a lot of people. Maybe it's some having sex in different places. I mean, there's got to be something, she's a willing participant in your relationship. So I think you guys have to find some common ground here where whether it's exchanging the sexy bucket list for each of you right down three things that you want to try, you're going shopping to a sex toy store. Yeah, that's fun.

And it's like three of your fantasies, George, that not the ones that she's upset with, it's ones that you actually picture her doing. That she would actually agree to. Yeah. So there's got to be some way to, because this is important, like if you don't prioritize this and doing something with her, because this was a one-way street, you're like, babe, I've been thinking about orgies, groups, sex, all the stuff, sex parties, and she wasn't down.

Which I understand, she didn't feel it coming, you know. But there's a way to have this more of a dialogue than a monologue of you telling her. So you could say, I want to know what turned you on. And there's some ways that you could do it. You could, again, watch porn together, go to a sex store together, or find something that's an actual agreed upon.

Like, because it sounds like what you're saying, that sometimes a couple, one will need to turn it down and the other one will need to turn it. go to a sex store together or find something that's an actual agreed upon. Because it sounds like what you're saying is sometimes a couple, one will need to turn it down and the other one will need to turn it up a little bit. So it's sort of that in a loving, consensual relationship. You kind of need to budge a little bit both though. You do, but she might need to.

She might need to spice it up a little bit. She absolutely does. And I'm telling you that it's everybody's, it's both of your responsibilities. It's both your sex life. Just like your financial life, just like your financial life just like your health like you probably both You know, maybe you work out go to the gym you both care for your finances like you both have to prioritize your sex life And I've talked about a lot of different ways on the show

But if she's just like nope out of the question to me that's not an okay answer Mm-hmm. It's dismissive of your needs and desires There's just a nicer way to be new to you know do the dance It's all about the dialogue. So the fact that you were like, hey, baby, I'm thinking about these things. It's more like there's other ways to have the conversation and it could be more like, you know,

I understand I said those things and I get that they're not really your jam, but let's just like start talking about our sex life. Like what would you feel comfortable to you? What are some of the most like memorable times you've ever had sex? Like tell me what really turned you on. Like ask her some questions.

Yeah. You know, so I think there's freedom and safety too in a relationship of maybe one person being able to say I'm really not into that and I'm really uncomfortable with that, but I'll maybe I'll try it. Like maybe I'll open my mind to experimenting and see what it feels like. Absolutely. You know, sometimes we surprise ourselves. Sometimes our first thought is no because it's unknown, it's outside the norm.

We would never thought of it when we say no. But again, it's just like we were talking about earlier about the initiating sex. Like, she might need some more information. Like, she's just thinking if you have a group sex in Orgis, and maybe there's like something else that you're needing and requiring here that you can kind of explain to her or she doesn't really understand. And that's why if you read about it, maybe you read some erotic together, watch, she could understand what that would look like.

That would be like, she might never get there to the group's sex party, but there might be something you could find on common ground. Yeah, yeah. So good. But good for him for reaching out, right? Yeah, thank you, George, for emailing. That I really appreciate it.

That's not George. Brooke, this, as always, is a blast. I love having you on the show. Brooke, you're amazing. Thank you. And it's always insightful. I learned so much when I'm here and hopefully it's contagious, you know, for people to open up their mind and, you know, in the dialogue and, you know, just keep talking, keep talking, keep learning, keep learning.

Keeps better, keeps learning just like everything else. So Brooke, Brooke, Sharve, check out her podcast, The Brooke, Brooke, Show, thank you. All of your social media, it's all at Brook, Brook, Brook with an E. You're getting good at saying that. Yeah, Brook, Brook, Brook, Brook, Brook, Brook, Brook, Brook, Brook. Okay everyone, thank you so much for listening. Also, follow me on all social media. It's all at Sacks with Emily.

Thank you to my amazing team. I love you all. And thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithmo.com.