Sex With Emily - Girl Boners with August McLaughlin

Episode Date: October 12, 2018

On today’s show, Emily sits down with sexuality writer & host of Girl Boner Radio August McLaughlin to talk about her new book Girl Boner: The Good Girl’s Guide to Sexual Empowerment. The two discuss all things masturbation, orgasms, and pleasure, things you probably didn’t know about eating disorders and sexuality, what it’s like to orgasm for science, and why size doesn’t matter – whether it’s your height or your penis. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Adam & Eve, Apex, Hot Octopuss, Aneros Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily Follow August on Instagram/Twitter: @augustmclaughlin Follow Girl Boner Radio on Twitter: @mygirlboner Get a copy of her book here.  For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit: sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by August McLaughlin, host of GirlBona Radio to talk about her new book, GirlBona, the Good Girl's Guide to Sexual Empowerment. Topics include all things masturbation, orgasms, and pleasure. Sex and eating disorders, how sexuality can be used to heal. Orgasming for science. And why size doesn't matter, whether it's your height or your penis. And how learning to love your body is one of the best things you can do for yourself.

All this and more, thanks for listening. Secret institutions. Betrubized. They call them in a bike on day. Hey, Avaline, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. Hey, girls, gotta have a stand. Oh, my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common with all of it? What do you mean, like laundry?

It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh, my God. I'm so, so, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good. But, you know, Avaline's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

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When you subscribe to the show you can also find us now at iTunes, but also Spotify Google Play I Heart Radio all over the place wherever you're listening We are there. I'm excited for my guest today August McLaughlin. She's a health and sexuality writer, a media personality, hosting creator of Girl Boner and Girl Boner Radio, and she's got a new book out, which I just got my hands on. I'm so excited to talk to her about it. It's called Girl Boner, the Good Girls Guide

to Sexual Empowerment. Hi, August. Hi, Emily. Thanks for having me. Of course, welcome to the show. I'm so excited to be here, and the vibe here is so nice. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for talking about your social media, which I've perceived is like a really fun, welcoming place. Yeah'm so excited to be here. And the vibe here is so nice. Thank you. Like you're saying about your social media, which I've perceived is like a really fun welcoming

place. Yeah. It feels that way here. Thank you. Yeah, that's what we want. I mean, you don't want to have an uptight cold place if we're talking about sex all day, right? So, yeah. Thank you.

Okay, I have five quickly questions for you to answer to get us warmed up. It's a little sex that my four play. Which your biggest turn on? You know, I want to say the cliche thing, which is kindness, but I'll also add, I love voices. Voices. Voices. I'm such a sound person. I'll remember someone's voice more than their face. Interesting. Okay. What's your biggest deal breaker? Errogance. What's the sexiest thing a partner can do? Be really vulnerable. Yeah, be really vulnerable.

Yeah, I love it. What piece of clothing makes you feel sexy every time? Ooh, it's none of the sexy clothing, actually. Like, I don't wear any, like my underwear are also boring. But I love wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Like, when they really fit you well, and you're so comfortable, like, comfort has become very sexy too.

Right. I got you. And a number one sextant. Ooh. Like when they really fit you well and you're so comfortable, like comfort has become very sexy too. Right. I got you. And number one, sex tip. Oh, number one, sex tip always, always be open. I think it's so interesting how we think of our sexuality really kind of binary in a lot of different ways. Like it's good or it's bad and it has, you know, this is how I feel and this how I'm

going to be forever. It's like really black and white. And I like being really open to the adventure. Yeah, it's fluid. It really is in all different ways, sex. Good answer. Thank you. So now we know you a little better.

You have a little foreplay. But tell me about your background. Tell me about GirlBoner and how it got started and how you got into this field. So I've been curious about GirlBoner's since I was 11. I grew up in Minnesota and I had that really awkward class that so many of us have and I remember learning a little bit about quote male pleasure that it existed, right? And nothing positive or pleasurable or anything about pleasure for a woman

or for a girl. So when I first heard the term boner and I knew what it meant, I literally thought to myself what about girl boners? So that was planted early, but then it wasn't until I went through a really severe eating disorder later in my late teens, early 20s, and it was really severe, and the thing that helped me the most more than any treatment was embracing my sexuality. So it's been a passion of mine, and I started writing, and it was just felt like a natural thing to do a book and a blog and a podcast.

Can you tell me about that through your healing with the eating disorder and about being in touch through sexuality helped you? It was so surprising. So I was doing the conventional things. I was doing therapy. I was seeing a dietician. And that stuff was helping out a little bit. But I was sitting in a college classroom, mostly because I was bored,

because I had been in the fashion industry prior to that. So I'd been like, New York, in Paris, and traveling around, and I was in this small town of Minnesota, bored out of my mind, and all I could think about was this illness. So I took this class, and I sat down one day, and the teacher said, we're gonna talk about sex today. And I had this huge moment where I was like, I've never talked about sex.

But not really. I'd had sex, but I hadn't talked about it. And that led me to all these questions. Like, why do I feel this way? And it took a little time for me to realize how powerful that was. But I did not have the same urgency to starve after that. Like it literally flipped a switch in me because you were able to talk about sex or to even start like masturbating more or getting into accepting your body in that way too or was it

more about which one was it both masturbation actually came later for me. But I did start valuing my body in a different way. I saw capacity for pleasure and value and worth, and I also got angry because I started to realize how many messages and these negative things I'd learned. Like, why didn't I know what a clitoris was, or where it was, or it bogged my mind, and allowing myself to get angry at that stuff kind of made me like, errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr had more enjoyable sex. Like everything got louder though. My voice even got louder. Everything about me started to kind of like shine more.

Yeah, it was really amazing. True, it's so true that we forget, you know, that in being in our world, and that a lot of people, I'd say the majority of, even glitter-sonors don't know how to use it, how it works, and it's about pleasure, all the nerve endings, all the different ways to please it, that we think it's so specific.

It's like there's one way and like, so many, just every day someone needs to be hearing about it. It's really true that they know. Yeah. Right? Absolutely. So tell me about your book, though. What's the book, the journey about?

The book. So it starts the way that my blog started because I knew I wanted to write a book, but I thought I need to establish some sort of platform and make sure people are into it. So I started the whole blog series with the story about sex ed and that story is in this book as well. So I open up my own narrative with personal stories and I notice that people really share their stories once you do that as I'm sure you have found in your work too. So I also interviewed over 40 experts and went into all the different topics I hear about the most. But the big epiphany that led to actually launching Girlbona and

trademarking and all that was I was 30. So this was like eight to 10 years later, right? In a really happy relationship. And I hadn't masturbated. I had a really active sex life. And so I just felt like I don't need to, right? Like, if I partner as in why do I need it for myself? Like it hadn't occurred to me. It's not right. And one night I was alone and my partner was working really long hours and that actually made me face that sort of loneliness.

Like, am I lonely or am I actually just like horny? Right, right. And so I masturbated for the first time, and that's how the book opens, is the orgasm that changed my life. I sobbed afterward, because I was like, I didn't know I could do that. I also didn't realize I still had,

like you put it back in layers, and there's more, and there's more. Always layers. That's our whole life is peeling back the layers. You're never really done. It's true. So what happened to you? You were able to orgasm the first time time like did you use hands or toys or I

use a toy. I use this hot pink dildo that glows in the dark. Okay. I did. You will get lost. You're right. Exactly. Because you never know. You never know what's going happen. Exactly. I didn't do the little thing where you put it by the light to make it glow though. Okay. I was kind of urgent at the time. Once I realized I was like oh my gosh, maybe I could do this. So I got the toy partly because I am somebody who feels it more internally and I have more in, like my, I have more internal orgasms than I have external.

And so when I would rub on the outside, I just was like, well that gets me excited and frustrated because nothing big is happening for me. And so I thought, wait, I want a penis. I have a prosthetic penis. Exactly. In a drawer upstairs, it was like this joke gift that someone gave me.

And so I used that on a pillow. And just there was a mirror on my closet next to me. And I caught a glimpse of myself. And it took my breath away because I could see all this desire and arousal just within me, for the sake of me. And it was just this powerful, self-love thing. That's really beautiful. I love that story. And I love about the mirror because I think it's really true that we always, you know, I think a lot of what you do when I talk about myths, right? Things that

we believe it just are not true, like men are more visual than women. But there's been actually so many studies too. I just read so about what women being turned up by their own selves, thinking about them, like making a porn, you know, with their partner, like looking at packets out her not. It's our own gaze. And we think, you know, I'm always getting women to try to get them to look at their vulva,

or like the Camille, but just looking at yourself, even having sex or mass, it's really, it's such a great way to connect and to get the confidence. It is. And I still, now I'll intentionally use a mirror in front of me, because it is a really powerful thing to see your own desire and to have that freedom.

There's just this beautiful, erotic, sensual thing that happens. What do you think surprised you that you saw in the mirror that day that you hadn't seen before? I think it was seeing me all by myself. There was no other person and sex to me and sexuality to me was completely tied into only with a partner and I hadn't questioned that.

I hadn't thought about that. So to see me, it was like coming in a minute or so. It even had 30, you were at 30. It even had 30, right? Exactly, which is so, I mean, I love that you're telling the story because I think it's just so relatable. Like, wow, no one's walking around talking. I mean, we are doing this, but just to know that it could be something else and that it's

always changing. So since then, so as a few years ago, so you're, so I'm 39 now. Oh, you are. Okay. So that nine years and you've been on this journey, how would you say, how has it changed over time? Your, your sex sex life? Have you been masturbating as a person? I'm sure. For sure. At first it was like going through puberty again in a weird way because I'm discovering my body in this different kind of way. So there was a giddiness around it.

I actually called my partner right after and he was at work and I was like, oh my gosh, I guess what happened? Because I couldn't, I couldn't keep it into myself. And he was really sweet about it, but he's at work. So he's kind of like, oh, great. Wow, that's amazing. I thought it'd go in the dark dild myself. And he was really sweet about it, but he's at work. So he's kind of like, oh, great. Wow, that's amazing. I thought it'd go in the dark dildo.

And yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he would have been sweet. But it's brought a lot of more pleasure and awareness to me. And then also, because of that epiphany, I thought, OK, now I definitely need to do something with this term that has been a joke and a love for me for a long time.

And I already had a blog, so I thought, now's the time, I need to launch this because I think I needed to find my girl boner, all by myself. First before I knew what to do. Exactly, and girls, do essentially we get erections. Like our clitoris is erect, and we go, yeah, we got up in the mornings,

like we don't realize it is like a little penis. Completely, and if we could see the whole thing, it's similar size, you know, that it grows on the outside, it grows on the inside, we do get erections. So there are legitimate scientific things. I like it. Can you talk about how you actually got there to love your body beyond the masturbation?

Yeah. And the moment even sometimes where you get tripped up, it's a lifelong journey. So we all have moments, I think. Yeah, yeah. It's certainly as I think it can be a really difficult process. And it's hard because so many different things contribute to it, right? And it takes a long time to figure out all of those things. But some of the steps that helped me were studying mindfulness. I read this book about mindfulness by, I always say his name wrong, Thich Nakhton.

Oh, I'm... Thich Nakhon. Yeah. There we go. I think that's correct. Yes. He wrote a book about mindful eating, mindfulness, but mindful eating was a section of it. And that was really helpful to start to listen to my body instead of eat by numbers, because even when you're looking for ways to be healthy, you get into this kind of rabbit hole of these crazy rules, and it's in the kind of guys of being healthy. So I really had to surrender all of that. And I actually gave myself a year to basically not try to

change my weight, because I got to such a low, because I hit another low. I had one in Paris where I collapsed when I was running. I was diagnosed with anorexia. And then back in Minnesota, I threw my treatment and through my recovery process developed binge eating behaviors.

And so I'd had this like really massive binge. And it was to the point where I just felt like I either die or I change. And I was so desperate to change my life and to live again more fully. I felt like this is not me. I don't get this. There has to be something more.

So I literally, it's another mirror moment, ironically, I walked to my mirror and I said, like, you are not going to live like this anymore. And I decided that for a year, I would get rid of every diet influence. So I cut all the size takes out of my clothes. I trashed my scale. I just gave up all that stuff. And I thought I'll just, you know, end up being this very, very gigantic person, which would have been okay. I didn't realize that I had, it's never really about body size, right? I didn't know what would happen to my body through this

process, but I just thought, I'll be single and unattractive and ever, you know, nothing good will happen, but I'm'm just I can't do this anymore And then after a year I can think about it again and that year came and went and I never wanted to do that again Well, that's really amazing because I think to break such a strong habit like that and to realize that you You know that it really doesn't serve you and then to people to go on that path So what do you wish that people knew about eating disorders and women? Because I feel like it is something that, obviously, it's so really taboo, kind of like sex, not really that easy to talk about.

And what do you think we need to know when like male partners might need to understand about women they're with or just, yeah. One really important point is that you don't have to have full-blown anorexia or full-blown bulimia to have an issue that's worthy of addressing. I get really concerned about orthorexia, you know, people who are really obsessed with healthy eating, or, you know, over-exercise, or all these things that you can do to seem really healthy,

and you might look healthy, people might praise you, they probably will, because we have this really, it's kind of like sex, like a performance-based culture where we're like, if you're eating lots of vegetables, but if all you're eating is vegetables, that's not healthy. Exactly. And you're so extreme. Yeah, I think if you have, if it controls your day, if it keeps you from living fully, it's worth getting support. It's a kind of thing, like we talk about what we're always peeling back at the layers,

is that something that you really were able to, like you're not concerned with it, food and eating. Yeah, that's gone. And I know that for some people it's chronic and so I don't want people to feel ashamed if they're on a longer journey. It took me 10 years though. I mean, it took me a long time and you think you're all better and then it takes more time and then just because you didn't realize you could get this much better.

But yeah, there were many different layers. One was realizing that I have ADHD. So there were like all these things that were unaddressed. So it's self-awareness. It's getting in touch with yourself, with your body. And also finding treatment that is nourishing because some of the treatment programs and different things work for different people.

But some of them focus so much on the numbers that you're like, it's another eating disorder. Do you have to weigh me every day and punish me for not eating enough? And like, but good for you for speaking up and saying this doesn't work for me to keep looking for other treatments. Because that's the thing about the journey just deciding that you're gonna get help with something.

It could be sexual trauma, just therapy with a partner. You need to search around for the good treatment and the good program, but it's the most important work that we can do. So, I think so. So, how do you think that body positivity translates to like, have a good ball of a penis?

How to transfer to that? How can we feel good about the bodies that we're getting? That's such a good question. I think one is gaining more awareness. You're providing such a gift with your show that people can have this information in a private way, looking at your life and going, what did I learn, what didn't I learn? That's why I have journaling prompts throughout my book because I have people to know, like to really ask themselves these questions.

Tell me a little bit more about the book, yeah, and the journaling. So tell me about the process. Sure. I want people to go on their own journey of self-discovery. I want them to make the book their own. So there are a lot of different topics and I want people to spend the most time on you know the areas that they want to learn about. There's everything from sex positions that are empowering to there's a body positivity, love your body section, there's masturbation stuff, there's a lot of myth debunking and interviews like I said and stories of a lot of different people have lived experiences.

So, I'm hoping that people will go through and read what speaks to them the most, whether it's that the entire thing or whether they want to jump around, but I'm hoping too that those journaling prompts will help people look at their own lives and cultivate more authenticity because that's really what it's about. I think sex is only a small piece of sexual empowerment. It's an important one, but it's one piece of the puzzle. Talk more about that. It's interesting.

I think so many issues, it's with an eating disorder, you think it's all about food. No, it's really not. It's always a symptom. Yeah. As you know, when there's a sex issue, a lot of times it's something else that's affecting sex. I think lifestyle habits are really important, you know, living largely and authentically.

And I use that word a lot. I know it gets thrown around, but I just don't think there's anything more powerful than getting to know yourself. So once you're connected to all these different things, your value system, I have a section on religion because I've found that so many people coming from the Midwest and also from a religious family, we hear that like if you're religious than you're antisex, unless it's like tantra or something. And I want people to know that they can be Jewish or Christian or Catholic or Buddhist and also have a great sex life and embrace that. But in order to do that, you have to really look at, sort it out,

like sort out the dogma from what you really truly believe spiritually and Kind of figure out how it fits together. Yeah authentic. It's true. And I think that's what does it mean to you authenticity? I think it means guiding by your own compass and It requires making some tough decisions that aren't going to be popular. Right. Yeah. Say no. And another one's going to like you. Oh, totally. You can't please everyone. And now, especially with social media, for example, so many people will suggest things

or if you have a brand or business, oh, well, you have to do this to boost your numbers. And I'm like, it's not me that I know. I'm just not going to do that. And it's rule-breaking that led me to the work that I do that I didn't know existed. So, I think that's really important. Yeah, it's true. Gotta like break the rules. It's true, find your own path.

I know that's frustrating. You're like, oh, do this and do that with social media and say this, you get more, I've always been about, if you find something interesting and you really are passionate about it, there's gonna be other people that are gonna come around. It's not because anyone's told you to do it. So that is a really good, it's really true. It is true.

It's a good way to lead and to create. And you might have to create immediate gratification in the same way, but you have to trust it. Like really be committed because it takes time. You might not get the instant fame or success or whatever it is you're looking for, but I think sometimes we don't even know what we're going for yet. Right. Exactly. Tell me about orgasming for science. I love that you clap back.

That makes me so mud. Okay, so obviously I became quite passionate about solo play and masturbation. And I had started grob on our my blog. This is about six or seven, seven years ago. And I read an article about a journalist that got to orgasm for science. And I was like, oh my gosh, I can't believe I missed that. She's so lucky, that's amazing. Not realizing that most people don't line up for that.

Yeah, right. They're like, we've got room today if you want to come in and take the study. Exactly. So I ended up meeting the head researcher at Rutgers University, Barry Camisarek. And he said, if you want to do this, let's do it. And so the next year year I flew to Rutgers and I didn't actually read the fine print before. Ahead of time until I was on the plane

and I realized it was gonna be much more challenging than I thought, because you have to lie completely still with your head can't move. So they made this mass that was sort of like Hannibal Lecter-like, look a calendar over my face, calendar, calendar, and it could not move. And it had to be flat on my back, which is not how I masturbate. Right.

And there are sounds like gunshots, like it's so loud. And I was like, oh my gosh, I'm going to mess this study up so bad. And so I got there and I was like, I'm so sorry. And they said something to me that is really profound if you think about it. They said, it's just as helpful if you don't experience orgasm, so don't worry about it. Oh, they took the pressure off. Which is so like my top sex, chill out everyone. Don't have the pressure.

Don't pressure yourself to orgasm. Yeah. Wow. And so then, so then, yeah. So then I did the experiment and they did different prompts. It was imagining something and then actually doing it. Imagine someone touching your nipple, then touch your nipple. Touch your clitoris, imagine someone touching your clitoris.

It was really exciting. I was getting really turned on, but I was like, I can't, nothing's going to happen. They said, actually, that I could do one round with a toy. I started with just my hand. I was getting really, really turned on, and it was kind of like that orgasm control, where you get really close to orgasm, and then you stop, and then you get close, and then you stop.

It was driving me nuts. On purpose, you were doing that, or they were asking you to like edge. No, you were kind of guiding me to edge with the prompts. Yeah, these like visual prompts. And so I got to a place where I was just like, oh, and I did have this like release sense, but I thought, oh, I don't think I really, you know, I just hit the button. I'm like, eject me out. And the scientist asked me if

I orgasmed and I thought, oh my gosh, I had like swollen lips, I was wet, I was like trembling, I was flush. I'm like, that little release was an orgasm, which meant that I'd been having literal orgasms all along and had been kind of ignoring them because I was like, I want the G-spot one. So it was completely, I didn't expect to learn so much about myself.

That's amazing. And so it was like MRI. Okay, that is fascinating. So now do you have literal orgasms and G-spot orgasms during sex, during inoc- or during anything, during menstruation. Yeah, yeah. I do. I still much prefer the blended or g-spot.

I mean, I guess they're all kind of blended, but I really prefer the internal g-spot stuff that's just kind of how my body wants to be, but I no longer fret over, oh, that was a nothing. Which I think, if you think of people- Yeah, well, there's some inferior type of orgasm that we orgasm wrong. I'm like, what?

We're typing it orgasm. Yeah. That's, it is all the pressure. And I love the study even. It was such a, it was so meta in a way, because that seriously, like, is the lesson that I tell, you know, I'm going to have you, we're going to answer some questions for my listeners, but I think I'm sure a lot of people just, it's in our heads, a lot of our sexual challenges.

Yes, there are things that can be medically challenging, but a lot of it is because we're so worried. It's not gonna happen, we're not doing it right, we're doing it, you know, so. Yeah. That is awesome. That's a good story. You're orgasm, and that was how many years ago?

That was, I'm so bad at numbers, but I think it was, I wanna see it as maybe four years ago or so. I wrote about it in the book, I wrote about it for Cosmaw as well. And the title of the Cosmaut article that they chose was, I think, are you orgasming without even knowing it? Which is kind of appropriate. Right. Because I hadn't realized I had been, but yeah, it was amazing.

Okay, so stay with me. Augustine Loughlin, we're going to do some emails. I'd love your help. Thanks everyone for supporting the show and checking out our sponsors. We'll be right back. Okay, we are back with your emails. I love answering your questions. Please text Ask Emily to 797979, fill out the short form.

Check the box. Yes, if you wanted us to call you or you can also go to the website to ask Emily Tab, felt the form, include your name, your age where you live and how you listen to the show. Okay, this is from Lacey, she's 25. Hey, Emily, I'm a lesbian and I've recently been without sex for a couple months now.

I usually get my pleasure from partners, but now I don't have the means to. I tried to make myself orgasm, but I can't. I don't like penetration. I've always orgasmed by having my clitoris sucked. I've used a vibrator on my clitoris and it feels effin' amazing. I feel like I'm gonna orgasm and then the sensation just goes away and I have to start all over again. Please help me. I haven't gone this long in many years. Okay, so I think this is interesting, Lacey, because this is the thing that we, you know,

the name for it now, or orgasm anxiety, right, or Polly, what was it? Oh, FPA, we all know that it exists. Organisms around sex, so it sounds like that Lacey, you might be subconsciously blocking yourself from orgasm, because there's so much thought, like, is it gonna happen? I'm not happening, it hasn't happened in a while,

that you kind of just, you know, you know, it's changing your process and being more mindful and even taking orgasm off the table. Because like we said, the clitoristers, the entire vulva, there's so much sensitivity and so many nerve endings. And just to keep going with it, that orgasms change over time. So it might not look like what it looked in the past.

So it sounds like some fun exploring right now. 100%. I agree completely. I think that taking orgasm off the table is probably really smart and focusing on other kinds of pleasure. And then if something happens, then great. And if it doesn't, great.

But I think the best orgasms are surprises. Exactly. When we don't know and we're not focused on it, is true when you take the, I've even done that to myself. I've walked myself through the process when I'm masturbating or having sex and I've walked myself through the process when I'm masturbating or having sex and I've calm myself thinking it's not going to happen. Okay, just stop. And now when that happens in my head, I just keep going. And I stopped thinking about it literally going to my

breath because I know and then it just a lot of times it happens more so than not it happens. But I don't think myself either way. So just to remind you here, Lazy, that it is packed with so many nerve endings and that it's not just like the clitoris It's the labia and the vulva. I mean, there's so many the inner and outer labia are so sensitive The ainess the there's so many areas that just explore and to have fun with it So I think that it's gonna feel good again and just keep going with it and have fun your nipples Yeah, it's not just like that we've all been there put the toy that was my That was my example of my toy impression.

But it doesn't have to be, right? It's all these things. Go like, go soft with different products. Try the womanizer if you suck it and if you haven't yet. Oh my gosh, she's the word suck it. Have you tried the womanizer? I have, it's not my personal favorite, but it does that. It's absolutely.

You love them, you should use it. They're traveling now. Oh, they have so much right. They have the two go and they have a lot of different kinds, but it indirectly stimulates Jamie my producer. She literally doesn't leave home without it. She sleeps the under her pillow. That's so smart.

She has a lot of toys. She's been over three years and she loves to go. Instant stress relief. Instant stress relief. Your pocket. Exactly. I love it. Okay, so this is from Tim 45 in Ohio.

Dear Emily, I enjoy your podcast tremendously. It makes my commute more interesting. My wife and I are on the heavier side, and while I was late to the sex game, I've had much more sexually adventurous experience previous to our relationship. While our sex is great considering some physical issues, I've given her some firsts, squirting, multiple orgasms, and such. She is very close to her masturbating. She's never really masturbated, partly because she says it's difficult to reach and touch herself. I would buy anything to open this world for her and us. What advice may you have for this? I love giving her pleasure, but it would be so stoked to see her in her own

pleasure. Very sensitive. I love it. You sound like a wonderful caring, thoughtful husband, him. And so I think to answer, I would say, you know, for toys, the womanizer plus, so to go to other womanizer, it has a handle. And my friend, L Chase, who wrote a book, Curve Girl Sex. She's, I love her. She's in my book, too. Yeah. Oh, she is. Yeah. She's amazing. And she says, she loves womanizer plus two. Her book also is my go-to resource. Check out Kerber Girl Sex by Elchase. I think the magic wand should also be long enough. That's what I was thinking of. That's one of the benefits of it. I think it's quite long. You can actually reach down and there are other toys that you can prop up.

Or get on top of. There's the Sibian but then there's another, I can't remember the name of the other one, but there's another one that's not quite as expensive. Exactly. Something that you can climb onto or propping up whatever your favorite toy is on a pillow or a bed or something that you can lower yourself down on. Exactly. I think that's true in playing with different positions to using pillows. Like, they're in your house. Like, those are just to put them on your, you know, your

pelvis are like to lean on them. I mean, there's just a lot of fun with pillows. And then in, yeah, in Curvegill, sex, you got a lot of positions. I think, um, use the shower head. Yeah. Yeah. And I love about Ells book that she talks about things that people are kind of just not even think of doing, which is like lifting up your abdomen. Yeah. Like sometimes it's just something you hadn't thought of, oh, if I just move my body in this different way, you just haven't learned. Exactly.

Yeah, but we don't think to move around. I think we are very, just like you and the MRI machine, but some of us do just lie. They're like, we are on a machine. We're like, oh, I've always done it this way, and this is the only way I can do it, which is so such a limitation. Right. Like, you should think of it as limitless, it's like you're exactly. It's constantly growing and we are constantly changing.

Okay, so Tim, I think that'd be good for you when you're again. We love you. We had a little, oh, moment here. Okay, this is from C25 in Charleston. Hey Emily, first of all, I love your show. Second, please help. So my fiance is against masturbating for him because he thinks it could become addictive and unhealthy.

He's also very into personal development, optimizing everything, et cetera. I feel a lot of pressure when it's been a few days and I know he wants to have sex. I love having sex with him and we have a great relationship. When I feel like we're due to have sex, I feel anxious and it's a lot of pressure because I know he won't masturbate.

So it's up to me to basically get him off. He never makes you feel bad or like we have to do it. But I feel like I'd be much more turn on if I didn't feel so much pressure. What can I do? So this is interesting. Again, a lot of anxiety today. The first thing I want to say here,

see is you have a story that he's expecting you to give out the pleasure, that like you're in charge of it now because he's decided not to masturbate. And I understand why you might think this, but I doubt that your partner, your fiance, is thinking that. So that's just take that off the table. And so I'm sure that you just let them know. Out of the better.

I've been in the conversation that way. Right? Because then it makes you, you have to be vulnerable together. Yeah, because he might be like, no babe, like not at all. Like that's not at all. Right, I'm just doing it because my own more, like,

please, and then you'll feel so much better just getting that on the table. And, but thing about masturbation, I'm all for for personal growth and optimizing things and being healthy. But I understand that it can be good for men to kind of, for some men, to cease masturbating for a while and to kind of explore things. But yeah, I mean, if it's become a compulsion or if you know that you are compulsive about it, I could see you taking a break. There's also that book, I think, thinking

grow rich, old classic. Yeah, yeah, that has a section on not masturbating. So I think sometimes that gets kind of lumped into personal development. Exactly. But, you know, I think like who else? Like Tim Ferris talks about it and Dave Asprey and Bulletproof, he's one of the show they're all about. Because it is true for men.

This is like Taoist, you know, sex, Chinese beliefs, Eastern religion, there's many, many of the, there's many benefits they say to men with holding a calculation. And having the orgasm, having that not really because every time you do it's like your Chi, which is your energy is being, is leaking through your body through orgasm through a calculation and that when you can learn to circulate that through your body, that for men, they have men who don't ejaculate as often, they say the benefits can be more focused, more energy, more whatever. So I don't think it's for everybody.

I'm just saying I can understand there's different ways to look at it that we have in all. Yeah, but I think mostly we're good unless there's a challenge or problem in your find yourself masturbating too much, you can't go to work or addiction. Yeah, and it's also refreshing to hear people say things like, I wish my partner would masturbate not because they have to, but just because there has previously been a lot of shame.

There still is around, oh, if my partner masturbates, then they don't want me. So it's a nice, exactly flip and go. Actually, I care about your pleasure. Right. Yeah, we hear it all. It is true. Do you get that a lot too? Yeah, people don't, they want to control it or they feel threatened. I was that way in my 20s.

I thought, I really didn't understand why my partner and why he would ever need porn because we were having the best acts of our lives at 24. Like, you know, it is. And I think that if you never hear otherwise, why wouldn't we? Right. And if you've only heard negative things about it, then you have, you know, we threatened. We're going to use everything we can to make ourselves feel worse, but we can really have, use the same energy,

and make ourselves feel better. Amen. Okay, thank you C, thanks for that question. And yeah, I just think it's some good old fashioned communication, but we all need, and it is true, you guys, that this, when you say these things that you think you cannot say, are these really difficult conversations when you do it from a you think you cannot say, are these really difficult conversations

when you do it from a place of love and wanting, that's vulnerability. And I'm telling you, most 99% of the worst case scenarios a partner is gonna throw us out and he does and break up with us and tells we're not lovable, does not happen. You find that the person. That's not the person.

Exactly. So yeah, it's really rare. And so true. We get vulnerable yeah, it's really rare. It's so true. We get vulnerable and then we grow from that. And typically the thing we're afraid of is the result is so much better. You know, and it festers in your head when you don't say it and it gets worse and worse and worse. Whatever you resist persists in your mind when you don't say it becomes the big problem.

Yeah, and you can say it in a positive way. Yeah, it's really exactly. I hope to, oh, and from using the eye things and not the you, not the blaming, but it's true of vulnerability. It's a whole nother, right? And it's so important for all of us, from a formally vulnerable vulnerability

and first person. I'm into it. Okay, not in purpose, guys. Have you ever wanted to be? But, okay, this is from Brian, 41 in San Diego. Hey, Emily, I've listened to your show for the last five months, and it's great. You're truly doing a great service to all the tuning to your show. I think I have a pretty good personality, and I believe I'm average looking by no means. So I think I'm ugly. I stay in shape. I have a great

job as a chef. My problem when it comes to dating is my height. I'm 5'2". Online dating is next home possible. I'll be scrolling through my matches and reading women's profiles. And I see when I like anything, I have a lot in common, but reads must be 5'8 or taller or something like that. I've come to accept this and I'm completely okay with reading a woman organically. So my question is, how do you get a woman to see you as a potential mate when you're a short male? And not just a nice guy friend. I know confidence is a huge part, but that it's a little hard when you are surrounded by it must be tall, dark, and handsome, and all the other shaming that comes along with

being short, thanks for your advice. So speaking of shaming, Brian, I think this is a great question because it's like this is all confidence and shaming and these negative things that we believe that women don't want anyone is not tall dark and handsome. So there's a lot of women that will not care about your height. I promise. And I know that you are walking around tall dark and handsome your whole life. We're hearing that.

I promise there's a lot of women that are looking for mind-body soul connections and not, at all, that does not mean your height. And I just don't want to discourage you. I can understand with online dating, but I want to say also that we all say things that we think we want, and then we end up loving something that's way greater than that, and we'd different than that. So I would still hit up those women that say that.

Absolutely. Everyone I've ever known who has a real specific list, they end up with someone who's completely not that. Exactly. Like you think the thing with online dating is you can put together this little visual map of somebody. But when you meet someone organically, like he said, he wants to do that. If you're out just meeting

people, people are going to set those things aside or even love your height because it's you. Exactly. Right. It's because of you and it's your personality, which you bring to the table. It's not because they're thinking like, oh, he's so short. And those aren't the people you want to be for. I'm short woman. Believe me, there's a lot of guys like, I want to talk. Like, it's just breasts, everything. So just the more you can work on that conference and know that it's actually not show. And then that women, you will find.

Yeah. And then doing things you love doing. Exactly. I think that's my favorite dating advice. And it sounds kind of, you know, off point or something, but when you're it's really true when you're working on yourself. But if you're doing things you really love, like don't go to clubs where you feel weird if you don't like going to clubs, you know, if you love hiking hike, if you love cooking,

go to a cooking club, like exactly. Do things you enjoy and you'll just, you'll meet somebody. Because you'll be in your flow, you'll be in your zone, you'll be in your element, you'll feel confident because you're doing something you love and it won't even matter. And that's because you'll be radiating that. Exactly. Confidence and happiness.

It is great advice. Also, I found this thing and I was looking at this. This is a hundred famous short men. Famous, successful. And I just thought this was interesting because I thought, I don't know. I wanted to, I just want you to feel better here. I love that you did that.

I did, Brian. I just want you to feel better here. I love that you did that. I did, Brian. I just want you to feel, because I was looking for something I'm like, here's what we got. A hundred famous short men, which you don't even think, okay Martin Luther King, five, seven. Wow. Yep. Winston Churchill, five, seven. We've got Prince, five, two. Robin Williams, five, seven.

We've got, these guys are all under like, Paul Simon, five, three. I. We've got, these guys are all under like, Paul Simon, five three. I think George Clooney, not very tall. He's like five seven. And he's like one of the sex gods. Literally. Like everyone thinks he's the hottest dude.

Absolutely, right. No one's looking at that saying what? You'll Ben Stiller, five eight, funny. So who else was on here that I thought was interesting? Bruno Mars, five six. So Kevin Hart, five two. There you go. There you go. There you go guys.

So that's again, they have partners, they have people in their life, they've gone on to be very successful and you will continue to be so successful and feel great. Okay. I promise. This is from Chelsea, 26th in Chicago.

Hey Emily, I'm a new listener to your show and I started listening to help discover my sexuality. I feel silly to say I don't know myself sexually, but after two kids and a third on the way in three years, I've completely lost touch with my body. My husband and I have been together since high school, so we grew up together not only learning about our bodies, but also about about each others. Sex is pretty amazing, not only physically, but we also had such a deep connection, which made sex even more powerful. But now that seems like light years ago, all the tricks and positions and moves don't do it anymore.

I rarely reach orgasm now, and it's frustrating to both myself and my husband. We've had many conversations about what I need, but to be honest, I don't even know what I need anymore. I've recently been masturbating, discover myself again and learn my needs. However, the process has been even more discouraging. I've had a difficult time getting myself in the mood, staying in the mood, efforts are still good, suddenly it makes me anxious and I quickly become turned off. I'm trying it from toys to meditation and nothing seems to be helping. I'm sure being pregnant doesn't help. I'm almost 30, but I don't think pregnancy should be reason why sex sucks.

I'm in serocide of your health. Oh. Chelsea, we got you here. Okay, so this is also about, first of all, you've had two humans come out of your body, okay? And you're 25, and now a third one on the way. So girl, it got to be a little more. You go easy on yourself here.

That's a lot of pressure to say, I also need to be sexual in a certain way. Exactly, that's a lot of labels, a lot of things that your body is just not with there with you right now. So just, I think this wanting to be everything is not realistic with babies and the pregnancy. So I think, you patient because our body's changing

so much, especially right now for you, but also everything's changing, hormones. I think it's another, you know, masturbation again without and just discovery with yourself. Re-relearning it. Because probably what you even think that you know about your body is just a very small part of what could give you pleasure. Yeah, it's really true.

And it's interesting because she said that she was, she's masturbating and connecting with herself again, but then she gets frustrated. You know, it's almost like we have these tapes that we start playing and those intrusive thoughts again, that get in the way. So I wonder if even just sensual pleasure that's not necessarily sex, but maybe she's prioritizing like sensually putting lotion all over her body or like a warm bubble bath or looking at herself in the mirror or whatever it feels sexy to her that's pleasure that doesn't have to be It's got to be the old sex I had before because you said it's not gonna be the sex that you had before right now when you're pregnant Right and may never go back to how it was but it's just gonna be better because you don't even know or different

And you don't even know what that is yet. So I think that's true, these expectations around how we think sex should be, and how we masturbate. And I think for everyone who's having orgasm anxiety, because these are just like the few emails today, so I know a lot of listeners are going, oh my god, I'm so anxious too. I'm going to tell you, it is the same across the board.

It's really about realizing that you're the one living in your pleasure, which is actually a good thing because then you realize I'm also in control of finding pleasure. And that there's so many paths to it and just know that it's going to change. It's not always going to be the same, but by taking this time and taking orgasm off the table and just truly, like, if it's 10 minutes exploring about it, you're going to see like how amazing it can be like soft touch your underarm and your breasts all over.

And this is great work to do. So I feel like, yeah, all the organs of anxiety people, it's not being mindful, being present. And I like what you said about using lotion. That work. Like having a ritual of lotion, lighting a candle, music, all your senses, which I want sensory things, having great like throws.

I love having soft throws around my house. Like you can just rub on your body, it just feels great. It's all about turning yourself on, and not just sexually, but just how do you turn yourself on, like really asking yourself what makes me feel excited in general and prioritizing that, I think is so big. Right, exactly. And it's not just going to be walking in and touching yourself with it, going right at it, but it could be a radical book, everything., erotica would be a great thing, like trying different adventures that you haven't tried and just see how it makes you feel. Not like, oh,

I need to master rates, so I'm reading this, but I'm just gonna read this. Like, I love the erotica series that Rachel Kramer bustles, Kira eats and edits, and she has all these different kinds. What if there's like some fetish she didn't know she had. Right, exactly. And it gives you ideas. The things that you're trying, if you keep constantly feeding your brain with new information, sex positive, feels good to you,

like it's part of the equation. It's not just about its mind body, could I? Absolutely. Okay, point. Okay, so we have one more email. Correct, one more. Okay, so this is from Daniel 33 in Ohio.

Hey Emily, I love your show and all the unique helpful information you provide. I have a couple of questions surrounding a tricky situation. My fiance who I've been with for three years has had general herpes since the beginning of our relationship. Through protection and planning, we have thus far avoided any transfer

to me, however, this has added some complication to our sex life in a couple ways. First and most important, her diagnosis has left her sexuality a little wounded, with a mental block where she states she can't feel as sexual as she wants and from time to time doesn't feel sexy. I try to do what I can to reassure her that she is sexy and that her diagnosis doesn't scare me in any way, but I feel it's not helping her too much. She's seeing a therapist start pulling back the layers on that, but no major breakthroughs. I'm wondering if you have any suggestions on what I can do, what I can be doing to help her reignite the confidence I know is inside her.

The second has to do with myself, the second point. As her partner, I'm supportive and committed to her, and I'm aware of the parameters of our sex lives when outbreaks arise. That being said, when she may have periods of frequent outbreaks, I cannot help but feel sexually handcuffed by the situation. I masturbate, but currently a simple fallback to that is getting on exciting. Do you have any suggestions as how I can honor my sexual urge as well still supporting her inner situation? Any help would we appreciate it? Thanks. Okay, Daniel. So the two things are how can his wife start to feel sexy having her bees? And how does he kind of continue to, you know,

still be sexual and masturbate and be into it when... So they're kind of having the same thing, which is not break. So I think Yosson sounds very caring and supportive. I love my, you guys, you guys are wonderful. I love my way of really wonderful people. So I think that it's great that she's in therapy and it's something that she's gonna have to continue to work on.

I love that you are supporting her. And I think the more that you guys talk about this together because it still sounds a little bit like a, he's she-thing or like he, you might not wanna let her know how you're feeling but she's already thinking that you're feeling that. So I think it's okay to have a, like a real she thing or like he you might not want to let her know how you're feeling but she's already thinking that you're feeling that so I think it's okay to have a like a real conversation about it and when I say this it's not going to be one like you guys are together you're married it's going to be ongoing but it's going to be come part of your intimacy

part of your bond upon your vulnerability even though right now it seems like a problem so I think just being honest about both these things and letting her know that you want to help her be into it and you want to feel comfortable as well I just want to drive on the fact that having an SE does not mean that your sex life is over and then it doesn't mean that like You guys can't keep exploring and having fun What do you think about this initially? I mean so sad how much stigma and shame there is around STIs and STDs because First of all more it's more likely that all of us humans will acquire one in our life than not.

And yet, there's this massive stigma around it. So it breaks my heart to hear that because she is completely still amazing and sexy and beautiful and wonderful that just does not make you a quote, dirty person. That's the word people use. So I think it's wonderful. Like you said, that she's getting therapy support for sure. I do know that outbreaks, there's medication you can take that.

Right, that shortens it. So I imagine, I don't know what her treatment protocol is or she goes with medication, but when there is an outbreak, I imagine, you know, it might only be like a couple of days if the medicine is prompt. Yeah, a daily suppressive that you could take.

I'm assuming that's what she's doing right now, so that should definitely limit the outbreaks, but also like mutual masturbation. Like it doesn't have to be, I love mutual masturbation because you're a certain thing. You're going to get off. It's hot. It's just, you know, and pleasing each other on some nights without just the astrametial masturbation and just pleasing each other without taking the sex to the table again or using toys on each other.

Like there's different ways to kind of look at your sex life that it's not just penetrative. Yeah, it's so sexy to have sex without touching. I mean, that is so crazy awesome. I think it's one of the biggest turn-ons whether you have a condition or not. Yeah, exactly, but without touching. Yeah, wait, basically.

Like, it's like another kind of energy, right? Yeah, or face to way to not touch you. Yeah, wait. It's like, oh, it's so nothing. Nutriomastervation. So true. And again, you guys, if you can't, this is another great thing to do to kind of keep the sex interesting that you're not just talking about, you know, the challenges, but again, you guys porn or radical, like new talking about new things, because once you start talking about this thing that is so scary, it makes you feel so vulnerable and shame, you're gonna realize it, it's gonna explode open to so many other ways

that you're gonna realize that you can really have connected amazing stuff. It's really true. And one person that comes to mind, you know, Ashley Mantah, yes, I do. She's been very open about having her bees, and she's very sex positive and talks about her sex life a lot, and she's an activist, and she's a really cool voice out there.

I think maybe if his wife connects or sees these amazing people who not everyone needs to be vocal, I'm not saying she needs to go out and be like, hello, I have herpes, but just knowing that there are people out there, kind of like people who are short and they're sexy. Right? Exactly. Actually, you're right. All these people, there's so many people who have herpes

and all different kinds of STIs who are having wonderful sex lives, they're wonderful people, and there's a lot of support out there. So true. And you guys are still getting to the groove it. So you guys have been together, you know, three years just the beginning,

and you guys are gonna get through this. And herpes you have to, and two don't they usually do this. They do less than they do. If you guys stay with your suppressants and whatever protocol, but yes, it does. And she'll start to know when they're coming and it'll be, you guys are got this sorted out.

August, thank you so much for being on the show. Thank you, this was so much fun. It was so much fun. Yeah, congratulations on your book, GirlBoner and her podcast GirlBoner and her book GirlBoner, The Good Girls Guide. It's a sexual empowerment. I love that.

We can find you, Tuskegee can find you. Yeah, go to all the things. Augustiniglofflin.com or GirlBoner.org. I'll go to all the places. I'll go to all the places. I'll go to all the places. I'll go to all the places. I'll go to all the places. I'll go to all the places. I'll go to all the places. I'll go to all the places.

I'll go to all the places. I'll go to all the places. I'll go to all the places. I'll go to all the places. I'll go to all the places. I'll go to all the places. I'll go to all the places. I'll go to all the places.

I'll go to all the places. I'll go to all the places. I'll go to all the places. I'll go to all the places. I'll go to all the places. I'll go to all the places. I'll go to all the places. I'll go to all the places.

I'll go to all the places. I'll go to all the places. I'll go to all the places. or Jamie and Michael was a good for you, email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.