Sex With Emily - Guilty Pleasures: Fetishes & Ex Sex

Episode Date: June 6, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is giving you tips on where to begin when you and your partner are on a different sex page, as well as taking your calls. She talks about different ways to give yourself an orgasm – minus the props, how to get your needs met when the focus is on your partners fetish, and what it really means when you’re having sex dreams about your ex. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Uberlube, Third Love, SiriusXM, BTL Emsella. Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex talk, tips, & tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm talking about where to really start when you and your partner have different sex drives. And I'm taking your calls. Topics include. All right, you have mismatched sex drives. Here's how you get on the same page. So, you feel like you're too reliant on your vibrator? How do you lean off of it?

What to do when you find out your partner has a fetish and now they're acting out to quench their desires? And you're feeling guilty because you're having dreams about an X and not your current partner. What does it all mean? All this and more, thanks for listening. Is that mock our sacred institutions? Betrubized, they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand.

Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks. And we not talk about sex so much. Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here.

I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Evelyn is not the kind of girl you just play good. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. From our information, check out sexwithemily.com. You're gonna love our site.

We love wherever you listen to podcasts is great, and it makes life a lot easier when you subscribe and you comment and you tell us why you like the show that's amazing. You can also find me on Series XM Radio five nights a week on Channel 109 it's Monday through Friday 5 to 7 Pacific 8 to 10 East. You can get a free 30-day trial by visiting sexwithemily.com slash SXM and you can always call in with your questions triplate 947 8277 always, all social media across the board is at sex with Emily.

All right, guys, enjoy the show. People are not having sex with their partners. And this is different than the sex crisis we were talking about earlier at the Capitol S. This is the mini sex crisis that's happening in all of your homes. There's some little TV crisis happening everywhere. Small-ass.

Small-ass. So I know that everyone has different details and that makes your situation very unique. And there are certain things that come into play in those situations. I get it, but there's some things that are kind of standard across all relationships and certain things that you could do standard across all relationships and certain things that you could do to like knock it out and be like, okay, we're not having sex, we're not having as much sex

as we want and I want to tell you guys, this is gonna be very relatable, I think, to a lot of you. So here's an example to the question, an example, we get a lot of these and then I'm gonna give you some ways to just take those next steps, like these are my top, just ways to move that needle. So you can stop not having sex and then figure out why you're not and then problem solve. So you want to read this, Jane? Yes. So this one came to us from Ryan, who's 36 in North Carolina. He

wrote, Hi, Emily. My wife and I have been in a rough spot in our marriage last year. So our sex life is non-existent and I feel like it's a chore for her. I try to get her turned on or in the mood, which doesn't seem to work, so I finally had to just have to ask her if she wants to have sex, which she usually says no to. When we finally do have sex, it seems like for my wife, it's over before it even starts. This didn't used to be an issue.

I'm not sure how to handle this. All right. Okay, Ryan. Thanks for the email. And you guys relate to this. Can you kind of see, when you hear the story, do you see part of yourself in this, perhaps? Maybe, you know, you're, but you know,

maybe you're the wife and you come, your husband doesn't want sex, right? Or maybe you're in a long-term relationship or a shorter term, what you're just finding out that like you are initiating your partner just says no. And that when you have sex, when you actually do have sex, you do the initiating your partner just says no. And that when you have sex, when you actually do have sex, you do the initiating, that's a great.

You feel like it's over. It just like happens and you just, your partner just like get over with and it's done. You can relate to that, right? Okay, so here's, here's where to start. Let's say you're the partner that wants to have sex. Here's, this is kind of like a, I was thinking earlier like a choo-zero Let's say you're the partner that wants to have sex. Here's, this is kind of like a, I was thinking earlier,

like a chooser and I was like, what the nice steps, like is it the chooser and venture thing? It kind of is. It sort of is. So for starters, here you go. Number one, I want to do a freaking chart. Have you ever talked about your sex life? Yes or no?

If you haven't, don't do anything else but go talk about it. If you have, I want to know, were those conversations around a particular issue? Was it like one thing like, you know, why, you know, don't you initiate or what are you into or why do we already have sex more? I was like one thing or was it like, was it about positive? Was it curious? The way that we talk about the way it talk about on the show. So now that, you know, that those are the ways to talk about, now that you know you need to talk about it, have you asked them why they're not into it?

Like, if you ever just said, what do you think it is, get curious. Mm-hmm. So you mean instead of being like, why don't you want sex right now? Yeah. Just being like, why don't you think you're into it at all? Yeah, it seems like it's lately, you know, because come on, you can only have a headache

every so often or be stressed out about work or the kids. I know that goes on you guys for a long time. But like, why do they think they're not, you know, into it besides that? Can you go deeper? And without, again, you have to hold a space for them. You're in it together. So you're not like, this is going to take a few tries perhaps, but just let them know that you're whatever it is.

You're there to work on it. And then you find out, you make it the point you can find out, did they ever really enjoy sex? Ever. They find out their sexual history. Because if it's going on for why you could say it's just familiar to you, is it something that's happened before? Do you, you know, when you were younger, did you want more sex and you know, just kind of do they experience pleasure?

How do they masturbate? Do they masturbate or fantasize? And then some other things are like when you are trying to initiate the sex, how are you initiating it? I think that that one is like so. It's true. It's like if you try to initiate sex the same way. If it's the same, that's saying, like if you do the same thing over and over again, that's in the definition of insanity. Yeah, it's the definition of boring too. Yeah, oh my God, exactly, doing the same things

over and over and expecting different results. Right, absolutely. That's having their sex life exactly. It's getting boring, you're doing it the same way. And also, it might not even be what your partner's into how you're initiating it. And like are you trying to and if you are doing it the same way and you're part, it's not working. Are you doing this thing that we love to call a foreplay? I don't love to call it foreplay because I'd love to change the name. But are you doing that? Because

that's a requirement. For many women, I know we require it. It's like of our biology. We actually need the warm up, but we need the sexy words and the time and the talks or the oral sex and the kissing. And you try to do that before doing that same thing over and over again. Like, have you tried to mix it up? Or do you have any intimacy in your relationship besides the sex? Going back to Ryan's email here about for everybody, having fun, you know, bigger than Ryan. You know, are you Mm-hmm. Haven't for you know, it's bigger than Ryan. You know, are you, you know, are there, you know, has always been a problem?

I just, yeah. I mean, it's, I think this is, so if someone is not, like how can you, how can you kind of force someone without forcing them to have these hard talks about sex? Like your partner's not into it. How can I force them without her?

Like, you know, like obviously you can't be like, you need to answer the question, but kind of saying that in a nicer way. Like it's more like you have to say, I, it's really about what we always say, Jane, that you have to, your partner cannot opt out of the sex conversation, the sex. It's almost like the sexual responsibility

in the relationship, and I don't mean the responsibility to have sex every day and all that. The responsibility to have a sexy, to have a healthy sexy, have a healthy sex life. So it's kind of like, you had to get them there. They were like, I don't wanna talk about it, I don't know, I don't know, but eventually, it's like, no, I want us both.

It's so important for intimacy and for connection. And I want that. I know we had at the beginning, I'm assuming that a lot of people in law had it at some point. And we need to figure it out together. So, you know. I have a question. What if you are on the other end of the spectrum?

What if you are not the initiator, but the initiator? Like, what are tips or suggestions that you can, you know, provide for anybody else who's on the other side? You know, like, ways to open up your mind to listen to your partner. And... Well, yeah, I guess a lot of those people who are, we just like, they're, yeah, you're right.

How do you understand, you know, where they're coming from? I think it's being, not knowing that it's not able, because what happens is the reason why these conversations are so hard is because we immediately think, we blame ourselves and we think we're doing something wrong. So the second our partners partners even talk about sex, since we've never heard anybody ever talk about it in our entire lives until this moment probably,

or at least in a way that's not weird, or that doesn't, is an offensive, like maybe it's, why didn't you do this, or that, but they're actually being loving with it, it's confusing. So they might shut down and be like, oh, I, I, know that they're doing it, you know, so a way is just to come into it with more,

with an open mind and open heart and think, maybe there's something more to this. Maybe it's not, to get out of your head that it's about something you've done wrong. And I think this is a good lesson for every time you get feedback or you hear something's bad. I think we all, I know I do this. So this is why I'm telling you this.

I blame myself before I even others. I think, oh, what I do wrong, what, you know, it's so I think, it's fucking, we're all, it's not about us most of time anyway. So it's about you and especially if you've been in a relationship with both of you. So just knowing that your partner's coming to because they want to, they love you and they want to make it work.

And also I think we have to all send a little love to ourselves because it's really freaking hard to have great. So it's really hard to be in a relationship. Number one. And then to even figure out this mysterious world of sex that nobody ever taught us about and no one ever talks about, no one ever, there's nowhere to learn about it.

Unless you happen to tune into this show or you've bought some books and I don't know where else listen to podcasts. Not a lot of places, so you gotta seek it. So it's just go easy on yourself that most of us are failing at it. We are in a sex crisis, I'm sorry to podcasts. Not a lot of places, so you gotta seek it. So it's just go easy on yourself that most of us are failing at it. We are in a sex crisis, I'm starting to show. So most of us are kind of just climbing up

from where we're at, if we're even trying and a lot of you are listening to the show to get there. So just know that every day is a new day to start again. So even if your sex life has been abysmal or absent or troublesome, the less 30 years of your life or 30 days of your life or whatever it is, today's a new day. And if you've never actually had the healthy conversation about it in a way that was open and without that you promised and you pledged not to be judgy or blamful or all these

things, then good for you. It's a new day. Guess what? The possibilities are endless. You guys are listening. You heard Kenny call in four months ago. He was like, or email here, Brian. He was an Evan great. He was his wife, weren't talking about. He loved his wife very much. And then he four months, he'd been listening to the show and made some changes. So I think this is helpful, you guys. If you've never talked about it, or you haven't, maybe you just did once or twice, you haven't really done the work that I talk about

because there's more to it than just talking, then that's a great news. Your life is not over, your relationship is not over, your sex life is not dead, you could still start again right now and make it amazing. So I think it's hopeful. It's different. I mean, that's all the sex crisis right now.

I love when people call back. I did too. It's so inspiring that he called in and now it's changed. We love hearing about you. We love hearing everything. Triple eight and nine four seven eight two seven seven. So what if the problem though that they're having with the sex is pain? Okay, that's a good one. So right we're going back to our teaser adventure here

If you have pain that's the only time where I say you should not I mean I think that's pretty blanket like if you are in pain you should not have sex and In fact if you're in pain you shouldn't be having pain now people have pain eighty percent of women experience pain at some point in their lives, and if those women, most of them don't ever get help, and they don't know why, and they just assume that they normalize the pain. But if you have a vulva, and you're having pain, vulva slash vagina, same, you know. Do the research. If you go see a pelvic floor physical therapist, go find out the root cause of what the pain is. And even if you went to see your gynecologist or your Western medicine doctor, some of them are very advanced in these areas and they know that there are other solutions, but some might just say,

go home and it's in your head. I don't see a thing wrong. You're just stressed out. No, a lot of times there are problems that women have that you don't normalize the pain or give up on sex because of it. Give up on intercourse. Don't do any penetration, but don't give up on your relationship and intimacy and seek help. We've got a lot of shows and a lot of information to do that. So that's if you're having pain as a woman, if you're, if you're, it's a vulva owner. If you're having any kind of penis challenge,

anything at all, erectile dysfunction, PE, premature ejaculation, just don't have desire or drive, find out like has it always been a problem? If it has, like let's say they, like a lot of men are delayed ejaculators, for example. And they didn't know, like maybe they probably always have taken them a long time to ejaculate.

So find out, or as they always come really quickly. Also find out, are they masturbating a lot? Are they masturbating to the point where it's impacting their sex life? So find out how much, don't judge your partner if they're masturbating every day or once a week that they have a problem with masturbation. But there are people who are masturbating

to the point where it is, this is when we have a problem with it is when there's consequences. And the consequences are that you can no longer get, stay hard or get aroused with your partner or you keep having to keep elevating the stimuli to get yourself turned on against. So that's part of it. The other thing is find out are there any medications? This goes for men and for women.

There are so many medications that are like hidden, like that have hidden side effects that they don't talk to your doctor and tell you that absolutely is going to a majority of them will impact your sex drive like SSRIs and depressants for many people take them. It will impact your sex drive or blood pressure medication. So find out medications. Find out also if you're a little bit in your 40s, 50s, have they gotten the hormones tested. Some people have low hormones in their 30s. Like that just happens.

Get your hormones tested. Talk people have low hormones in their 30s. Like that just happens. Get your hormone test, talk to your doctor. And then if you tried all the pills for our penis owners, you tried all the things, there are some amazing treatments now too that are like blowing my freaking mind actually for, for penises in vaginas. We're blowing my mind right now. What is happening? The technology that can help women with pain and urinary incontinence. And for men gains wave is this super cool treatment that's, I can't even believe it exists, that uses sound waves to essentially reopen the blood flow to your penis. That's what happens, because plaque builds up in your penis and that's why you're having some challenges. Perhaps these are all the things that could be going on, right?

So that's why you're not having sex, because no one has any conversation. So anyway, if you wonder where, yeah, Gaines Wave is cool too, go to our show notes. So anything we're talking about here, sexwithatlethame.com, or all show long, you can find in the show notes. So when I think theory about Gaines Wave, like, whoa, because I don't love the idea

of men having to take a pill. Mm-hmm, I just don't, I don't love it. And if there's something to treat with, it actually works on the plaque, the build up, I think it's cool. So there's a lot of things going, going circling back to wherever, Ryan's email. There's a lot going on with your partner who might not wanting to have sex right now and here's how to find out, how to have better sex.

And once you have this conversation, everyone's going gonna be like, can you call it an earlier? Have an amazing sex with his partner all over the house again. That's a goal. That's a goal. But call us, we'll help you with anything. Cheerful eight, nine, four, seven, eight, two, seven, seven. Okay, let's talk to Arlene, because she is 48 in Alabama,

and she's getting pressured into having a three-sub. Oh, Arlene. Tell me everything. Pressure, I don't love the sound of the pressure into a threesome, what's going on? Arlene? Arlene, I hope she's not being pressured right now. Arlene, come back, Arlene.

Yeah. Oh, Arlene. Okay, well, well, yeah, I don't know. Okay. Well, Arlene, if you're listening, call back. I love a good, through some just spices, I feel a little heavy right now. Oh, I just, I was like, you know, no pressure. Don't get that.

Well, I just feel heavy, but not, I mean, a little like, just intense, like heavy, like, not, not heavy, maybe just intense. No pressure. I just feel heavy. I mean, a little like intense. Heavy, not heavy, maybe just intense. It is. It's an intense subject. It's really, it's hard. Oh my God, Arlene, I want you not to pressure in a threesome, and I want you to have a really good threesome, and if you want to, no one should pressure you into doing anything sexually.

Okay. Well, until Arlene comes back, let's talk to Terry,, 16 Illinois who wants to ask about the potential dangers of open relationships. Hey Terry, let's talk about it. Hey, how are you? Good, how are you? Hey Terry. No, I know the potential danger, so this kind of wanted to talk to me. Yeah, talk to me.

About 18 years ago, we actually got into a three-something part of it, it was exploring my sexuality with my wife at the time. And she actually fell in love with the other fella. And we had young kids at the time. So we ended up raising my children by myself and I she went and married the other guy. So exploring your sexuality inside your marriage like that isn't always going to get the result that you like.

Yeah, no I hear you Terry. And so, but yeah, what I would say is... Well go ahead, keep going, I'll let you say something else here. Well there is nothing wrong, I think I have one point. Terry here is a thing, but what I want to say to that is, absolutely, that's the bad, that's the, you know, that's when it goes wrong, that's when people are like, how do three, so that's everyone's biggest nightmare, sorry Terry, you lived everyone's biggest nightmare

around having a threesome. However, how you prevent it, in my advice to everybody, and Arlene, is that like, if she calls, but nobody should have a threesome until your relationship is on the most solid ground ever. Like you've talked about it you've explored it you your relationship you're not doing it to expect to explore your sexuality Terry said to explore

i don't know the other all of it you know Emily that that that that that planning damning but people explore sexuality and and that relationship and as you age and go through between 25 or 30 and 60. There's a lot if you're healthy and reactive to your partners, there's a lot of good sex going. Right. So part of this is inside a marriage and part of a committed relationship and part of this and a non-minogative type of relationship that you have.

So I think the real thing is when you find a partner, is there going to be a non-minogamist or are you not? Right. You've decided before. It's kind of one of the basis of when you seek out relationships, what you'd like the then or the partner. Yeah, but then it could change. And then you have to be open to what happened.

And then if you do decide to open it up, or have a threesome, then you don't decide, let's do it tomorrow night. Oh, we should do it Friday night. You know, you've like, you do decide to open it up or ever three some then you like don't we don't decide like let's do it tomorrow night. Oh we should do it Friday night you know you like. No you don't. It's something that's talked about. Right. Right or yeah. So Terry did you um so how's your life been the last 18 years though? Would you figure out about your sexual? Oh it's been awesome. Oh good. All right Terry. No very very fluid and I enjoy it and uh

it's been very good., Terry. No, very fluid, and I enjoy it. And, uh, I guess those white friends and girlfriends, and it's been very good. Good, Terry. And gains weight, by the way, seems to work very well. Oh, you, you, you, you tell me, did you try it? I, I, I have tried it, and it just worked very well. So. Wow. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's what I've heard. It's amazing, isn't it? Like, so that's helps you with- It's amazing. Yeah, okay, Terry, I'm so glad you called. Thank you for sharing that. I appreciate it.

It's true, you guys. It can get tricky, and you just gotta- Open relationships, though. There are more talks about it now. I think that people are more- They understand that it's not like just for crazy, oh, swinging, and- No, I-

Some people are into it, but- And it works for a lot of couples. It just has to same thing I would say, communication is a lubrication. Okay, we're going to take a quick break and we come back. We're going to get into your calls. Let us talk to Kendra, who is 30 in Chicago, and says that she has never had an orgasm without a vibrator. Hey Kendra, thanks for calling.

Hello. Hello. So, I got the preface by saying that sex has always been great, so it's not like failing in that, but I, in my 20s, got a vibrator and started kind of exploring that and then got married and we started bringing that into sex. And now I just feel like I'm reliant on it and I think my husband thinks that too because he'll even say he doesn't seem to mind but he'll even say, no, glad you're vibrator. You know, like he wants me to enjoy it as much as he is,

and I think he sees that that's happening. So I don't know that I signed them not orgasming without it. I just want to know if there's something I can do to not be so reliant on it. I guess you can enjoy it. Yeah, I mean, here's the thing. Dev, you've had orgasms without it before, right? You said earlier on. I think, I mean, yes, I've been sexually active for a while.

I guess I've had what I think is, but I just think that they're better with it. Yeah, so it's been more. I got to say, they're pretty good with the vibrator. I don't think that there's a problem. I think it's really common. But I think that do you guys do anything else? Does there ever any oral sacs or foreplay or have you guys experimented and played around with different kinds of touch and sex?

Oh yeah, and he's, I mean, that's really the only other thing I think he knows I like as much as is oral sex and he's fantastic at it. So that's great. And you don't need a vibrator there right right now not at all and that's i think that i think that it's just i don't want i don't want to put him in a position where eventually he feels like he's not at a good enough but i'm like yeah i know i i totally understand that so

he is making you orgasm with his mouth. So here's the thing, most women do not orgasm during penetration. So I think that's kind of what you're talking about here that during penetration, you grab a vibrator and put it on your clitoris, correct? Yeah. Okay, so 20% of women orgasm through intercourse, maybe.

80% do not. They're just like in it for the guy or the partner. Like, I'm going to get penetrated, but I'm not going to get off. I think it's great that you are using a vibrator and you're at least having an orgasm. Now, here's the other thing. Yes, you might be able to learn to have one in other ways, because a lot of times it looks like it is through clitoral stimulation. If he's going down in you, you'd have to learn, you know, moving in certain ways, like when you're on top, perhaps you could be grinding your clitoris on top of him like if you try those different positions. So it's the kind of thing of like

being present and breathing and not thinking is it going to happen? It's not going to happen. You could still probably, you know, learn to have one without the vibrator. But I just, I just think you feel that it's like normal. It you feel that it's more common than not that women need something else. And most have been like, yeah, they need fingers or they need a vibrator. It's good to hear that because I feel like you don't hear that. You just hear about, you know, the opposite. That's what I'm all about. There's no problem here.

You've just found a way to hack it so you get pleasure too. And I think that your husband just has to understand that the good is a scientific factor. It's just, and you're right. People don't talk about it because in society, all we ever see is, you know, penis go in vagina and then they get explosive orgasms together as they fall on the bed after five minutes. And like, that's just now how sex works for most women. You know, I look at porn and I'm just like, he is penetrating her right now.

So doing the jackhammer and there's no way she's having an orgasm like this is fake It is so we don't get good information. So yeah, let your husband know that and then feel good about your body and all that You're fine. Okay, Kendra. All right. Thank you. You went right. You're so welcome. Thanks for calling All right, let's talk to Noel 49 in Montana Her boyfriend has a tennis shoe fetish. I think she has some questions about it. Hey Noel. Hi.

Hi, Ernol. Hi. Noel? Noel? Hi. Tell me everything. How are you? Good. How are you, sweet.

Tell me, yeah. I need to know about this. Tennis shoe fetish. OK. Yeah, this is, I'm 49, but I'm fit. And, you know, I look good for my age for sure, and I'm still sexual. And my boyfriend, who I adore for almost three years now, has a tennis shoe fetish, which I've accepted. Tell me more. I have more to it. When I first met him, he was having an ongoing online relationship with a man who had the

same finish, and this went on for 10 months during the relationship. And then I discovered it, unfortunately, by snooping in his on his computer. So of course I have trust issues because now every time I go out of town or where I have to be apart, I wonder what he's doing. Right. It's just so easy. So easy. It's so easy. Yeah, like that's the thing.

It used to be harder to cheat in order to do anything that's, you know, I guess, if it's cheating, some people it's not but for you right to get your needs met sexually you don't leave the house okay so when you lied to you so yeah and i he he realizes that he needs to also have intercourse so we do but not very often and i i truly feel you know how women they know we know um... it's more perfume and it's just to even the

the ratio of of what we do a little bit more and it makes me feel a little sad i feel maybe like i'm not desirable but in fact that might not be the case it's not it's not the case. Well, first of all no no This is nothing if it's a truly a fetish No, there hasn't I mean and it in the sex feels perfunctory and you haven't been how long have you been together? It was three almost three years three years you said okay

So what is it about the test? So I'm trying out so the tennis shoe fetish He has is online. He, it's with a man. Wait, so there's a lot going on here. It's been three years. You found out early on that he was with a man online. Was he with the man to get, or is it just online? Not just online, but it was like a man who's doing like a cam, like a cam guy with who's wearing tennis shoes.

So he likes, he gets off on seeing tennis shoes. So when looking at tennis shoes, he and looking at what if you wear tennis shoes, like, have you played this out in your relationship? Oh, yeah, no, all the time. Yeah, I pretty much I wear them all the time. I'm totally finished. I'm truly a fetish. Yeah, since a very young age. Okay. And the guy thing was just, he found somebody else that also has the fetish, so obviously they had a common thread of interest and they were able to share it secretly.

Okay, but how is it when you guys are together? Like, are you enjoying the sex right now? Are you getting your needs met like your fantasy because I understand that when someone cheats on you in a way that you You know, I guess it is cheating guys and then you leave town and then you're always gonna worry that they just run to the story You're like are they gonna be cheating? I've gone through that heartbreak a lot of us have our cheating And you gotta rebuild the trust and if you don't rebuild the trust It doesn't unfortunately doesn't magically just come back together, like couples have to work on it.

So it sounds like you haven't rebuilt that trust yet, but also there's a lot of confusion going on too. Like, how is the sex for you right now? He's very good when we do it. I just feel like it's oral sex mostly, and there's not always penetration. And so it makes me feel a little bit like just lacking. Oh, of course. Yeah, well, of course.

That's what you would like. You want penetration. You want penis inside of you. That's completely normal. Have you talked about your needs with him? Yes. And we go through a salad and being really a ton of for a while, but we always default back to the heavy, heavy beddish. Well, that's what you can't allow to. So you have to keep. So here's a thing we all get like this is what we all say. We go, yeah, I talked to my partner. And she did it once or he did it twice.

And then it goes away. But that's your job then, together to keep it, like, keep it about both of you and both of your needs. So you're 50 of it, 50% of it. So if it's going back to the old way, you're allowing that to happen. So I feel like you need to fast try. I want you to find out this information sooner than later. And you have to have the conversation with them.

I like to make this go the distance. I love you. I love our relationship wherever you're at, but this is what I'm going to require. I need this for you. I want penetration. I want like I crave sex in so many different ways. And in a loving way, you can say to them,

is that something that you think you can be on board with? How do you feel about that? Is that something? Because we've tried it and I know it's hard to change habits. You know that. Now, I have a time to change a habit. It's really freaking hard to adopt new skills and habits. So, he gave him an opportunity to think about it really.

Like, maybe he just, if it's a fetish, like for those of you listening, a fetish means it's required for a rousal. Like, whatever the fetish is, a breast fetish, a latex fetish, latex fetish, foot fetish, you require that object to be there to be aroused. It's not just like it'd be nice, you know? Wish that could have a shoe here, but like he needs it. So there's a lot, you know, and so you guys,

a three year mark, you should 49 years old, you should find out like, is this something? And they go in hard with this, like it's your job, like it's your job to figure this out now. That kind of talks you need to have to figure out. You don't have time in your life is too short for bad sex. I truly, you can't let this wax again in three months, go buy, it's great for one, no.

Like, this is what you got to figure this out with him because I can't tell you, but there's more to be revealed. Right, yeah, no, I agree agree I could do a better job than playing Okay, yeah, that's what I'm telling you we all freaking can it's so easy because it's this sort of And this has been the theme of the show like so freaking hard to talk about that once we do we're like few after that again For a while, you know had to talk thank God. It's good And then we like oh my god have to talk about it again So I know I you're like most of us on the planet

It's really hard to talk about so yeah, you got to be a little you got to be honest because it's good. And then we like, oh my God, I have to talk about it again. So I know you're like most of us on the planet. It's really hard to talk about. So yeah, you got to be a little, you got to be on this because it's your love life, it's your life, it's your partner, figure out if this can go the distance or not. And be real and be authentic and ask for what you want and your needs and listen and sense where it goes. But.

And then lots of questions. What happens when, like, okay, so we are having real intercourse. And in the back of my head, I'm thinking, he's probably really not loving this because it doesn't involve a tennis shoe. It's not hard for me to get into it. That's true. You got to ask him. You have to say I can't help it. I get it baby. I've learned more about fetishes. I've been reading about it. I want to please you. And I have been to know that, you know, what happens at those times? Are you, you know, are you, I often feel disconnected.

And this is how what would make me feel more connected to if you looked into my eyes or if you tied me up or I don't know. So, so ask him those questions in a way that he knows he can be honest because you want to know the truth. Yeah. And you deserve to know the truth. And it might be confusing for him too. You might not relieve and maybe goes back and forth. But again, that's something on you now assuming that he's probably just thinking about the shoe. Maybe he's not. Like, I don't know. We got to find out more. So I get why you think that.

It is. That's probably my problem. I can't. I'm not easily convinced that he's enjoying it, even though he says, yes, I love this. Okay. So that's the other thing, then. See, this is, you guys, we're always 50% of the thing because there's two of you. So that's what I'm going to say. You've got to find out, how would you know what would it look like to you to know that

he's really engaged and then you know explain that to him. So just keep talking and it's not going to be one more time. It's going to be a lot, but figure it out. Ask them the hard questions. So you're going to get there. Thank you. Thanks so well for calling Keebie Posted. You know I'm here. You guys, that's a thing. Like I could talk to all of you for an hour each. I would, I probably could, right? Jay, I could say for 12 hours. Oh yeah. As long as we just get you to the next step the next thing you can figure out I'll be here five nights a week for you triple eight nine four seven eight two seven seven let's talk to Madison 24 in California who's been having a lot of dreams about

having sex with her ex the ex-dreams. Hey, Madison. Hi! Hey, how you doing? Those pesky accents. How are you? Oh, I'm good. Hello. Thank you. Yeah, so I, a little bit of backstory.

I, my ex-added like Walter Paulidge, I've been together for like three and a half years. At that time, I was like, oh, love my life, you know, all this stuff, whatever. How about breakups? You like broke up with me on a day I graduated from college and like, you know, after you graduated, you go through that phase of like, what is my life, what am I doing? Yeah. All this other stuff. So definitely went through that, healed, like, took a long time, time off for my self, and felt like I was ready to get back out there.

So fast forward to now, I've been dating this guy, my current boyfriend, for about a year, and I'm very happy everything's great, our sex life is great, except for the fact that I still have, like, really vivid sex dreams about my ex. And I wake up feeling guilty about it, and I thought, super guilty, but anyway, it kind of worries me about like, am I really over my ex? Like, is this something that is normal?

Yeah, it's completely, yeah, Madison. I think it's completely normal that we all, like it was your first love, your worth and for your young, you know, the very impression while your brain is still developing your college or together for how many years four years like like three and a half three and a half years that's a long time to be with someone's and you're 24 so it was three years ago absolutely I I'm telling you

the X is unfortunately or fortunately they don't go away you you having sex dreams you think about me fantasize of I have some friends who are married now for 20 years they love their husbands dearly and they'll still call me and they're like, I had a dream about Joe. I'm like, who? They're like Joe, remember Joe first? A yearly guy date. I'm like, no. So there's something here about the X's that I think it's like, you loved him, it was formative years, you learned a lot sexually, a lot of firsts, a lot of things, but no, I don't think it means you need to be with the X. I think that the less you can judge yourself around it and try to assign meaning to it,

other than it was someone that was a big part of your life and you had some early sexual experiences, just kind of enjoy those dreams and wake up and have sex with your partner. You're a new boyfriend, it's not related, it's our brains. And, you know, like, yeah, it's part of being a, I'm glad you're having dreams about sex. That's what I gotta say.

A lot of people don't even ever think about sex. So there's nothing wrong here We tend to it to go away and it'll be replaced by something else And you don't need to tell your boyfriend either please this is not something that's helpful He doesn't need to know you're not cheating on him. You're not doing anything wrong You don't need to talk to your boyfriend about it. He's I'm sorry We probably they're dreaming about his exes as well sometimes so don't worry It's normal. Okay, thanks Madison, you're all good here.

Thanks for calling. Alright guys, I hope you enjoyed this show. Let me know what you think of it. I love hearing from you and thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Kristen, Michelle, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? E-mail me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com.

Now me, feedback at sexwithemily.com.