Sex With Emily - Hack Your Dating Life w/ U Up?

Episode Date: October 31, 2023

Does dating ever feel like a second job? You’re not alone. Today, Jordana Abraham and Jared Freid of the popular U Up? podcast share tips to hack your dating life so you can make genuine connections while enjoying the process. Known for reading between the lines and giving their listeners the straight-up advice they need (but may not always want to hear), Jordana and Jared help me answer all your questions, from what makes a great dating profile to how people’s definitions of “casual sex” can vary. They also help me answer your questions about hooking up with a friend, long-distance relationships, the “ick” and so much more.In this episode, you’ll learn:What to know before meeting up with a date in personHow to create a profile that sparks genuine conversationsHow to combat dating app fatigueSee the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.Show Notes:How to Handle Performance Anxiety5 Ways to Pleasure a VulvaSHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69)The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureWant more? Sex With Emily: HomeLet’s get social: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok Let’s text: Sign Up HereWant me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's funny, I think the dating apps will be much more satisfying doing them the way you're doing them, like one hour a week. It's like anything else, right? It's not meant to be binched. Like, if you have McDonald's every day, all three meals per week, you're going to feel disgusting. Kind of like the same with the dating apps. If you're on it too much, it's not how it's meant to be consumed.

It's how it's meant to be consumed is like sort of additive and in moderation I think to make people feel really good about them. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Amley and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today, Jordana Abraham and Jared Fried of the Popular U-Up podcast join me to discuss all things dating and relationships. This hilarious duo is known for reading between the lines and giving their listeners the answers they need, but may not always want to hear. We're breaking down the top things you should know before meeting up with a date in person. How picky you should be when dating. How to tell if your hookup wants to move things in a less platonic

direction, and so much more on today's episode, this was such a fun one. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. We so appreciate when you rate the show. We love it. My new articles, How to Handle Performance Anxiety, and Five Ways to Pleasure of Volvo are up on SexwithEmily.com. Audebon, enjoy this episode. You're going to love today's guests.

Jordana Abraham and Jared Freed, this felt like a party. The host of the popular modern dating podcast, You up, join me today in answering all your dating questions straight up. And they're so entertaining. You can tell they get along. They're good friends. Jordana is a badass. She's the founder of Betcha's Media.

She's created this incredible empire. She's also the host of the oversharing podcast. And Jared is hilarious. He has a lot of strong specific opinions and his Netflix special 37 single is out now. And he's currently on a stand-up tour. They've been giving people straight up advice for years. What does that person actually saying? What do they mean? And they have a really sound advice. So today, they're going to help you

navigate the dating apps better, overcome dating app fatigue, which a lot of you talk about, and give hacks to enjoy dating. So it doesn't feel like a second job. All right, let's get into it. Welcome, Jordana and Jared. So good to see both of you. Really, I love being on your podcast, you up. You guys talk all about modern dating and you're both hilarious. Jared congrats on your standup special

on Netflix right now, 37th single. That's exciting. Jordana's killing it, it betches. Very impressive. Question for you guys. I thought it'd be fun to kick off the episode with your top dating horror stories because it's Halloween. If you had to think, that was the worst day of ever, what comes up for you?

I kind of tend to believe that if you have horror stories, you have to remember your central character in the story. But one time I went on a date with a girl and then like a year later, I was just at a bar and I was by myself just hanging out and all of a sudden I like look up and this woman is over me and she's like, do you remember me? You know, you're looking up and you just wanna be like,

yeah, like and I said, I go, yeah, I remember you and she's like, no you don't. And it's like, we went on one date and I go, your hair was longer than. And she's like, no, it was shorter. And it's like, we went on one day and I go, your hair was longer than that. And she's like, no, it was shorter. And it's like, oh, you just wanted to like get me. This was like a gacha, like I felt like, like it was a police sting operation

to show me that I'm a piece of shit. I thought you were gonna tell the story of when you fell out of the chair. Oh, that was, that was, I was on a day, yeah. Thank you for reminding me of a horrific moment in my life. Sorry. I, like I have, yeah, thank you for reminding me of a horrific moment in my life. Sorry. I have many more stories for you. You're on my outdoor patio, is that they built during the pandemic to have outdoor

seating, and there was a little bit risen off of the street. And I remember I was like, Mr. Cool guy leading back, and then the back to legs of the chair went off the leg and then I flipped back but it wasn't like I just fell right away. It was like a whoa, whoa, and I thought I was gonna catch myself and then like 10 minutes later as I'm like whoa, whoa, whoa, I fall back into the sandwich sign that had the specials. It cracks in half and then I fall into the heat lamp. I few heat lamp falls over me.

It was a zip like the whole restaurant and clotted around me. And I, the other person was laughing so hard. I was like, I don't think there's a more unfuckable look than whoa, whoa, whoa, my seat spalling. Maybe I'll catch it. I don't catch it. I'm not athletic enough to catch it.

I've now broken a sign. Nothing more vulnerable than that. And like, I'm like, well, I'm basically doing my work out of the face while I'm holding it. It's like, she's seen it all at that point. Yeah. They're very similar. Our orgasm faces are similar to like these faces. We make them more in pain, which is kind of funny.

Do you ever notice that when you're like, oh, you're like, that could also be me. Orgasm face. Listen, I have a question for you guys, because you guys hear all the stuff about dating, you give advice, you hear from your listeners on your podcast, we don't want anyone to have dating horror stories.

I mean, they're fun, right, when somebody asks you at a party or on a podcast, but what are some things that we could find out or that we should find out before meeting up with someone? I think a lot of horrific dating stories start with sure I'll go. I think when you're not excited about the date and what happens is the dating apps have given us more, like more matches, more opportunity, which also means more failure. So like we're really not being nice to ourselves. Like you get to like, what 10th match on the app and the conversation doesn't go that great,

but you're like, I never go on dates from this app. It's like, well, you know, one day to the month that you're excited about, 17 dates a month that you're like, like sure all go. Yeah, you're gonna have more horrific dating experiences I think the more excited you are you have to trust your instinct trust your gut And I think not enough of us do that. I agree. I don't think it's about like a specific question I think it's about a vibe and I think that that's Above and that's why you know within five minutes, I think of going on a date with someone if you're interested in seeing them.

And I think that's pretty much how long it takes. But when you're speaking, I think that there's a sense kind of like Jared was saying of like, I don't know if it's there, but like I'll go. They had that one picture where they looked kind of attractive or they're not saying anything bad. But I think the idea is to go for like, what makes you feel like excited

What makes you feel like the person kind of gets you and you can't fully get that from speaking on an app But I think just making that the bar for going on a date You kind of can avoid a lot of wasted time what gets highlighted as you said is like the horrific dates We always talk about that those are the entertaining stories But most app conversations are just boring and kind of fine and And it's like, that's not enough to get you to leave the house. That shouldn't be enough. The only place for the conversation to go on a dating app is to a date. You know, for you to go through that door, like, why don't you be excited? And some people are like, well, I'm never excited. Well, you're spending a lot of time on people that aren't exciting. And

it's okay to just be like, yeah, this was nice, nice to meet you, you're gonna go on my way or just say nothing at all, toast. Do you think there's a certain amount of like dating app with you now? Like there's somewhere in the middle, right? Between like, I don't wanna go, so I'm gonna stay home or like, sure, I'll just go.

So do you think that for some people the apps just aren't right, they should just go out and meet people in person if the dates are just kind of killing them? What do you guys think? It's kind of like anything else, the attitude that you bring to something really will determine the outcome. So if you're going in like this doesn't work, I never meet anyone well,

but I'm going to go because like I feel like I should go because I want to meet someone in theory, but you're kind of going into it with a negative feeling. I think that's how the date is going to go. So I think going on dates that you're excited about, if you're not excited to go on dates, don't go take a, it could be with anyone or if you're not going into conversations, feeling positive and feeling like you're excited to meet people, that's the energy you're going to give off.

So I would say, take a break if you don't feel like you can bring that attitude to the apps because there's no point. It's like kind of a waste of your time and there is if you're going to go in with a, I guess I'll go. If you're not bringing the energy, you're not feeling it, then it's okay to take time off from dating too. I think that's a really regenerative time to be like, I'm not really into it. Now I want to take time to build to work on other areas of my life.

Yeah, I think it helps to make the dating apps more exciting. Now we just spend the day on, like now we just like, it's part of our like wheel of like Facebook, Instagram, email, oh, I'll go in the app, see if anyone answered, swipe, swipe, swipe, back to the other ones. You know, like what I've done, and that's been really helpful, is like,

you delete it, and then you only download it for an hour at like six o'clock, and you say, I'm gonna go out on a date tonight. I'm not doing this for tomorrow or the weekend. So six o'clock, I'm going back on here, and you create a story. I'm out with friends tonight. I'm doing drinks right now. Creating these arenas for ourselves

kind of gets us out of this funk of like this never ending, how is your weekend, what's going on, match on a Sunday, go out on a Thursday. It's all monotonous. And not, you know, second day, on a Sunday, go out on a Thursday. It's all monotonous and not you know sexy. Create rules for yourself where you're like okay six to seven is app time and if I go on a date it's tonight. I really do

believe you know in 20 minutes of conversation over the app whether this is gonna be fun or not. So within 20 minutes, if you could say to someone, well, I have friends in this part of town wanna meet for a quick drink at nine. Now we've had like an adventure, now we've kind of gotten out of it, what we're looking from it. And I think the apps are a part of the pie

and it's not the whole thing. So this I, all or nothing thing is stupid. Why not make it this fun one hour distraction on Wednesdays that set you up for date Thursday? Like, you know, that night might be too quick for you. Here's your story. I'm out with friends. We're doing dinner. I'll be in this area. Let's grab a quick drink after one. It's funny how the idea of like the scheduled date of like, you know, kind of reminds me of like how men might think of scheduled sex. Like, to a woman, right? You're like, you're like, oh, I'm just gonna like this almost

rather the spontaneous state is almost I think what would man would equate to the scheduled sex. Like, it seems to like defy the rules of like how it should be. I like it because it's kind of like both are about like prioritizing something, right? That's it. It's all about what you got a schedule sex to make it happen because it doesn't happen But then I like what you're saying about dating too. It's like if you put your own boundaries in your own parameters around it Because yeah, everyone's like it's a full-time job being on the apps like I swipe and then I talked to someone for three weeks And I'm like do not talk down for three weeks decide that you're gonna meet them in 48 hours And I like Jared's like, no, tonight. Or tomorrow night, but I love the idea of saying, if it doesn't deliver, you shouldn't be talking to someone for three weeks because you never get that time back either. Let's go back to the

dating app tips then. What are some things that you wish that men and women knew about the dating apps when trying to attract the opposite gender? Or really, I guess any gender. And Jared, too, I want to circle back to what are the things in 20 minutes that you're asking? Like, I just want everyone to have more efficient dating. Right. We can figure it out. What are your initial tips here? I think the tips are if you're going to talk about something, make it specific. I think no one wants to hear how's your weekend because you don't know them. So it's like, I barely care about the weekends of the people that I do know, focusing on something specific that they say in their profile, especially if you're a guy

that's nonsexual. Jared and I talk about this a lot. It's like improv. If you're doing it right on the apps, just like if you were flirting in their profile, especially if you're a guy that's non-sexual. Jared and I talk about this a lot. It's like improv. If you're doing it right on the apps, just like if you were flirting in real life, you would be sort of like working off of something that they give you. So, you know, their prompts is something about liking a certain show. You ask them something specific about that. I think there are people go wrong as they're very broad and that's just not a way to show someone that you're actually paying attention. It seems like mindless like he's saying, like you're just scrolling.

Also, to add to that, if your profile is all you statements, you better be a gentleman, you better like movies, you better like this, you statements get you nowhere. It's not vulnerable. I state I like the movie, wet hot American summer. Barbie. I like Barbie. I went to Barbie and offer him a one day showing. That's specific.

And the more specific you are, it's more of a test. If a guy's like, hey, how is your weekend? When you have this really specific, Comprehwritten, they've ignored the thing you wrote to talk about your looks. So that's not a good sign. Yeah. You know, hey, you look beautiful is different than, hey, I saw Barbie and Oppenheimer two in the same day. What did you think? Which one did you go to first? The difference between those two responses to your profile are stark. Do

you offer that opportunity? Or do you write, I like to travel. My question of that would be like, where's the last place you travel? That's interesting, but that's as interesting as it can be. You know, you haven't really given me a chance. You've taken no chance. If you said I went to Turks and Kicos and it was too expensive and I wish I had known a better island that was more cost effective.. Okay, now we're talking to add on to that US about a good conversation in 20 minutes. Here's my good conversations. I would say.

That's, thank you. Okay, you go off for Chinese food. I want your soup, your appetizer, and your main. Go. We'll get to family and traumas on the date. Speaking of writing, what you're putting on your apps, I get so many of the question people say, I get it from men and women,

and they say, I just want casual sex right now. I'm figuring out myself, I just don't want anything serious, I really don't, but how do I find someone who was like, mind it, do I write that on my app? Do I say I'm not looking for anything serious? I'm like, what is your take on that? And I'm wondering if you also think if someone says, I'm not looking for anything serious right now,

do you think it really means like with you? Like I guess that's more about if you're in a relationship or if you're dating, because you're like, oh, if someone comes along, maybe I will be, but let's go back to the casual sex part. Do you think we should be talking about like I don't want anything serious right now? I think there are ways to say that without saying it.

Here's the thing, what we try to do on our show is make people like a smarter consumer of the apps and a smarter consumer of the people that they're speaking to. And a lot of that is reading in between the lines. If you're looking for casual sex, I would do the things we just said not to do. I would um I would comment on someone's looks. I would that to me like if I got a if I got um on my profile, someone was you know commenting on my body or the way I looked in a picture, I would assume that that person was looking

for casual sex. If they were not, if they were making the conversation completely non-sexual, I would assume at least they were trying to give me the impression that they're looking for something. Sarah, I agree with Jordana. I think those are good signs to know that someone's looking for sex. Here's the problem.

And the problem is how men and women define casual sex. And the reason we define it differently is because there is way more to fear if you're a young woman or out there trying to have sex, you need to know that this person isn't going to murder you. And you're on a dating app and now your population is why it's a good start right. No man has a fair of being murdered by the woman who wants to fuck it. It's just not a fear. It's not it's the 20th thing on our mind, not the first.

The guy looking for casual sex is looking for a different thing than the woman looking for casual sex based on the emails that we've gotten, the guy looking for casual sex will fuck you in an alley behind a dumpster, doesn't care, doesn't mind. Cool, the woman looking for casual sex generally is going, I just wanna make sure we're on the same page and that we're gonna be a good combination and that he's a nice guy and that he'll go for dinner first, of course, and you're like, that is not casual sex to men.

So I think what people have to admit to is being more specific about what they're looking for. You're looking for someone that you're comfortable having a night with and feeling trustworthy with and feeling safe with to have sex where there's no ask of more of your time. So I think when you're going on a dating app, looking for casual sex, you have to admit that your definition of that is different than the men you're gonna encounter because a lot of women are gonna be left unfulfilled

by the type of men that are gonna respond to that. Hey, you look hot, oh, you look hot too. Meet you at the dumpster. They're gonna go, no, I want the dinner and then we'll do the dumpster. Once I get to know you a I want the dinner. And then we'll do the dumpster once I get to know you a little bit. Because that happened. Right. So I think like, you know, we all want a tough talk. We all want to say, yeah, we can do that too. We all want to say, yes, queen, I'm going to get mine. But it's like, let's admit to the fears we have, you know, let's admit that like you're not

looking for casual sex in the way man might be explaining it. You're looking for, hey, I'd like a little connection. I'd like to be respected and feel like I'm going out to drinks with someone. And I'm speaking specifically to a dating app scenario because I think that's something you can get to later. I think for a lot of people, you need to like make sure you hit it off on the app, hit it off in person And then maybe you can get to that step, but I don't think it happens right away over the app I just don't think you're gonna be best served and here's the thing though

Like I think people need to be more okay with a date that doesn't end in for happily ever after like I think it's okay to like have that conversation on the date in like a fun way. For both people and then if you realize that that person is looking for something different than you, it doesn't have to be this devastating thing. You're asking the right questions. You could leave with an interesting conversation and this person's looking for something more casual. I'm not, we're not a match. That's why the one day before thing is like such a great thing because it's like, hey, I'm only going on Wednesdays at six o'clock to seven. Oh, caught a fish. We're going to go out Thursday. We're going to get a quick drink after I meet out with my friends. Ah, I want casual. They're looking for more.

It's funny. I think the dating apps will be much more satisfying doing them the way you're doing them. Like one hour a week. It's like anything else, right? It's not meant to be benched. Like if you have McDonald's every day, all three meals, for a week, you're going to feel disgusting. Kind of like the same with the dating apps. If you're on it too much, it's not how it's meant to be consumed. It's how it's meant to be consumed is like sort of additive and in moderation, I think, to make people feel really good about them. This is a great philosophy, guys. I think you're going to have so many people be like, oh, I get to control it. I'm busy for myself. Like, how do I actually want to date?

And I think most people, they've got jobs, they've got lives, but if they just say, it's like your workout, I'm gonna give it an hour a night, even for swiping, or three hours a week, I'm gonna swipe, and that's it. Jared, you talk a lot of this in your special, which everyone needs to check out a Netflix, 37 and single, you say that you're picky.

You're like, yeah, I didn't like your name, and I get it with Seymour. I dumped her, I didn't want to go out with her, I don't like her name, and I don't like this,our. I dumped her. I didn't want to go out with her. I don't like her name. And I don't like this. I don't like that. I think pickiness is another protective mechanism to keep ourselves from actually connecting people.

In general, do you think we're too picky? Do you think what we are missing some great opportunities because we're making people jump through hopes that they don't need to? That maybe what we actually want is in what we think. I don't think if picky is a negative thing. I think picky means you're happy with your life. I think it means you're enjoying your life and you get pick your with age because you settle into the life that you want. You know, I'm 38 now. I live pretty well. Like, I'm not looking

to go down from here. Yes, it closes you off to people, but that's your gut instinct. I don't think of pickingness as good or bad, right? It's really just describing your personal tolerance for being alone and what you prefer. If you're someone who really likes to be with someone who really likes to be in a relationship, then the picker you are, the more you're sort of like stopping yourself from really being able to enjoy your relationship. If you're someone who's a little bit more like,

take it or leave it on a relationship, but I don't, again, I don't think the one is better than the other. I think it's about personal preference being able to enjoy a relationship. If you're someone who's a little bit more like, take it or leave it on a relationship, and again, I don't think the one is better than the other. I think it's about personal preference in what you personally want. Then, yeah, be as picky as you want, because the alternative is that you're gonna be single, and if that's something you're really enjoying,

then who cares? But I do think like if you're looking to be in a relationship, there's compromises with everyone, and just like anyone that you meet is gonna have to, like no one is perfect. So everyone's gonna just like anyone that you meet is going to have to like no one is perfect. So everyone's going to have to compromise with you. You're going to have to compromise people, but it's so totally okay to not want to compromise with anyone if you enjoy being single. Yeah. To be in a relationship, you have to like let go of a certain level of

pickiness to an extent, right? Otherwise, no one would ever settle down with anyone. And so I think if you're talking to a person in a relationship and they're telling you, they're too picky, they find your pickiness almost as like in a front on their decision to settle for someone and to an extent. And I say settle, like that's a bad thing, but it's actually like your decision

that being in a relationship with this person is worth giving up all of their annoying habits because everyone has annoying habits, including like that. Right, it's them saying, what do you think? You're going to find perfect. Of course. You think you're going to find better than I found. Right. You think you're better than me? Right. You think you're better than me. You think you're going to find the perfect person. Yeah. Picking is like, I guess, a spectrum is we're saying. You don't want to be too extreme, but it's like on the spectrum, like are you too picky or are you just just picky enough? I want to talk about the Ick factor for a second

because people love talking about the Ick. You said, Jir that you think that only women have the Ick and men don't have the Ick? Maybe explain the Ick. The way it was explained to me was like, you go out with someone, they do one thing, you never want to fuck them ever. You're just like, I'm out.

Like when you fell off the chair maybe. Right, when I fell off the chair, she probably looked at me and was like, that's enough for me. I'm out. Like when you fell off the chair maybe. Right, when I fell off the chair, she probably looked at me and was like, that's enough for me. I'm done. I will never fuck, you know, fall out boy. I've seen it up. I've seen it up.

So I, it's my belief based on, you know, the podcast that we do and hearing from, you know, women over the years. It's like, again, it goes back to the picky conversation. I think, societally, and it's not really fair if a woman complains about dating, they're told, just go out with them. Like, you know, they're not a lot of complaint about dating unless they've given someone a chance. Man, I never put in that position.

We're never told to give them a chance. No, no, go on the date. You know, people go, you know, if you don't want to fuck them, you'd they go, good, okay, don't go, go on the date. You know, people go, you know, if you don't wanna fuck them, you'd they go good. Okay, don't go out with them. Like women are put a time after time in this position of like, if you wanna be able to have this conversation about how horrible dating is, you have to go out with every guy I put you out. So I think a lot of people are going out with people

that they don't really wanna go out with. They're talking themselves into, and then they're getting on the date, and the guy wears cargo shorts and they go, I can't do it, that's it. When I think of the IK, which is happening me a lot in my life, that I'm with someone, I'm actually in a, maybe I'm dating them for a few months, receiving their things are good,

and then something happens, I'm like, oh, like they touch me, and I'm like, oh, I can't actually have you touch me anymore, IK. To me, that's like, you weren't all there until that touch. No question of the relationship. I don't remember. Yes. I mean, probably there was other things happening and that was the touch that broke the camera

back. Right. Well, I think it's kind of like the touch start off. Like three months, let's say, like you really get to know who someone really is. And that's why I think so many things end at that point because that's when you're kind of like, all right, I have a pretty good sense of like who you are and like what you're, and something about that either works for you

or doesn't work and oftentimes it's like, most people are not on the same page, which is why there's like a weirdness at that time. But I think there's probably things you were discovering about him that you were just maybe a little turned off. Oh yeah, for sure. It was the moment. The Ick thing is always like these frivolous funny things. That's why it's a funny conversation because you go, oh, we sat Chris Cross applesauce. Like, oh my god, like, you know, I can't believe that's the thing that made me not. And you

concentrate on the frivolous thing. But it's like, it's really a mass to say like, that's not really my person. Like, there was, we aren't the match, and I think a lot of times people are put to give a reason to why it didn't work out with someone. And it's a lot easier to say, can you believe they touch my arm that way? As opposed to, I don't really have a good reason other than we're not a personality match. I couldn't see a future with reason other than we're not a personality match, I couldn't see a future with them. That feels more serious than me. Well, it's kind of like what you said.

It feels like for women, there's a lot more pressure to just like, date someone or like, get over that. Like you said, men don't have that as much. So maybe it's just the way you're rationalizing doing that because it doesn't feel like it's okay to just say, you used grayed-on paper, but I just wasn't feeling it. And what I used to do is I was like, this one's this problem. My mom's like, okay, I'm like, okay,

I'm like, what's their fatal flaw? Like, I was always breaking out with people. She said, what's their fatal flaw this time? And I was like, oh, well, this happened to happen. They always had fatal flaws just before I did a lot more work on myself. And I realized like, we just weren't a match. Like you said, like, it doesn't even matter what they did.

Or you didn't, it's never about those things that you think it is. Like, if they made more money or they had a different car, they sat differently. It's really that again in the day. It's not really fair to try to make someone else a villain because we have to remember that we are 50% of whatever the relationship was. Right. We were bringing ourselves to the table.

Don't swipe left. I'll be right back with Jared and Jordana to answer your dating and relationship questions. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Okay, you guys, let me answer some emails from some of our people here. See you guys don't do it. Let's do it. What you do? This is from Bambi. Not sure if it's a real name.

She's 27. Hey, Dr. Emily, a big fan of the podcast, loving the new book. Before starting your podcast, I thought I knew a lot about sex and I'm realizing how much I don't know. I have a big crush on one of my best friends who are both 27 and the same friend group. We've made it out quite a bit and it was super hot. So I know he's attracted to me.

He's also not emotionally available for relationship right now and takes a long time to feel ready to date someone. He's been super kind about the fact that I clearly like him and said that he can see himself being with me in the future when he's ready, but recently things have felt comparatively very both tonic. I don't believe in the front zone and that I value him a lot. I would never stop being a friend just because he's not into me. That said, I do think we have the potential to be in a great relationship too and I don't want to give up on that. Do you have any advice and how do nudge a friendship in a less platonic direction? Thanks.

I'm a fan. Okay. Can she do this? She's 27. She likes this guy. They've hooked up. But he's like, maybe in the future. It seems like Bambi has already nudge this out of the friend zone.

When you got into the hook up place, I think that's pretty clear, that she's made herself known as being into it, right? I think the important thing to know is that they're not really friends. And I think that's like kind of a hard thing to realize because if there's like an underlying sexual tension, that's not a friendship. And it's never really gonna go back to that.

Which I already think. Yeah, I'm with you. That's a point. I totally agree. He also knows that what she said is true. They have to go from friends who have never fucked and just made out to serious relationship. There's no courting period because they already know what else is there to do. You guys get along as friends. Let's just add in the fun stuff and now we're great. So he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship with her. So he is trying to hold her off and hold her at bay.

He also knows that they probably would be a pretty good relationship. And I think for her, she's never going to do this, but the only way out is to kind of break up with them. She has to end this and end the friendship, take some time off from it. People always email in and they're like, oh, well, I don't want to ruin our friendship or friendship. Like, you can't be friends. If you are having feelings for them and emotions, then it's sexual feelings. Yeah. You're not, yeah, you're not friends. You're not going to go back to friends. You're going to have this unrequited thing and that's there. That's the elephant in the room, like deal with it. It're not going to go back to friends. You're going to have this unrequited thing. And that's there. That's the elephant in the room.

Like, deal with it. It's really hard once you hook up with somebody to go back and forth. You need like a distance, a break. And then maybe that's right. Right. But not right. Right. I, the whole friendship thing.

What do they need to talk about? You know, like, are they missing out on football games together? Are they missing out on, like, carpooling? Like, I, I don't know. I think it's an excuse to not. He's angling because he doesn't want to be me. He's got like the carrot, like right. He doesn't want to be the bad guy and they probably have a larger friendship circle where

he doesn't want it. But that's what I'm saying in terms of like what we do, which is like helping people read between the lines. Like you said, like when someone says I'm not ready for a relationship, it means I'm not, I don't want to have a relationship with you. I mean, it seems like harsh, but it almost like I think that knowing how to interpret those things actually helps you move on

and create the distance, because instead of almost believing that and saying, well, you know, I'll hang around as his friend and then one day I'll turn around and he'll realize he loves me. That doesn't actually help you. No. But I love your advice.

I love that it's like read between the lines, all the information's there that you need. Don't wait around for people to change and just like move on. Go get what you want. Because people spend a lot of time in relationships that are just hoping and analyzing. And what does this mean?

What does it text mean? And like it probably means what it means. He's probably just on to this with you right now or she's not. Exactly. Like a no is a no, a maybe is a no, a one day in the future is a no. Everything besides a like, yes, I a no is a no a maybe is a no a one day in the future is a no Everything besides a like yes. I'm in is a no

She's asking for yes. I'm in and She's not getting what she's asked for and then she's making oh well, you know Should I wait around for the yes? I'm in no should I nudge it? Yeah, she's like can I nudge it into a less platonic direction? No, like you've already tried you've been there no I would say no and I would say find new friends and your relationships because if she hangs on to him as a friend She's gonna get in the way of her other meeting other people What do you guys think about they'll keep in your exes around? Do you think that can work or not work?

You guys friends with that? It's gonna be so out there that it's it's been said the words have to be said Yeah, there's got to be a reason for the pleasant relationship. Like, maybe you have kids together or there's something else there. Otherwise, it's like, I'm not friends with any exes. I'm gonna say that. Yeah, see, I am. I'm friends with this thing. We have this debate here, but I'm friends with all my exes, but not right away.

Like, we took time off. We took a year off. Many of my exes are like, I'm a braving party. So it was like four exes there. How close are you? But it wasn't a way close. Like, some of them I'm close with. Like, I had a party and like, there was like four X's there. How close are you? But it wasn't away. Close, like some of them I'm close with, like I had a party and like there was three of them here. But you know, over the last like 10, 15 years

it weren't close right away. There was times it was hard break up, but then we genuinely liked each other. There wasn't a lot of drama. And so we like, I mean, there's for sure there are some X's that I'm not friends with, that maybe you're listening or like we're not friends, I hate. But they be your wedding.

Some of them I am. Maybe, yeah, if I had a wedding, a few of them, I hate. They be your wedding. Some of them I am. Maybe. Yeah. If I had a wedding, a few of them, I'm like, I was at their weddings. Is there a little bit of a feeling around being friendships with the X where it's like,

I found you attractive enough to date, and I liked your personality enough to date. I liked your personality enough to be your friend. Like why wouldn't you be continuing to date? I think that's what it is. That's exactly it. History together. We really genuinely liked each other.

I'm such a like communicator talker. We knew each other. I knew their families andator, talker, we knew each other, I knew their families, and yeah, just didn't work for whatever reason circumstances, or we weren't in the same place. You know, that's a lot of it too, is that if I didn't want a relationship and they did, or whatever was happening in our lives,

it just didn't work. And at the time, a lot of them, when I looked at them, they were kind of messy and it hurt, and we're stalking their Instagram, like, oh, who's the new people who liked them this week, or their new friends, and all that. But now, like five years later, I'm like, bring your girlfriend over, like, we're like stalking their Instagram, like, oh, who's the new people who like them this week or their new friends? And all that, but now like five years later, I'm like, bring your girlfriend over. Like we're all friends.

Lindsey's 26th in California. Dr. Emily, I've been dating a guy for a little over a month. He's 37, I'm 26. Recently after one of our dates, we went back to his house. We started making out, top started to come off, and I told him I wanted to have sex with him. He literally looked at me and kind of chuckled and said, yeah. So I asked him, would you be okay with having sex?

He again looked at me and said, I don't have a condom. Then I asked, well, if you did, would you, he again looked at me and said, yeah, I'm just so confused with word together. We have an amazing time. I don't know if it's the age difference or what the makes that are amazing. However, when it comes to sex, he's awkward. Please help. I'm so lost. Have they had sex at all? Or sounds like no, even no sex. I thought maybe

he's gay or in a relationship. I think to me, I'd say for there's anything I've learned from Jared, it's that like men are not as dumb as we think. And that he probably knows that is that I think what he probably knows is that by if by having sex, he might be like leading her to believe that he's looking for something more serious than perhaps she is. And to me, that's another reason that men withhold from having. I think there's this notion among women that men always want to have sex with you or men. Like, they're not thinking about the next day or if they find you attractive, they want

to have sex with you all the time. And I don't think that that's really true. I think that men are, especially an older man, who's in his later 30s, is going to know what having sex means. And maybe he doesn't want to go there. I'm with you, Jordana. But I think you're right that when you get older,

you're like, okay, so she's seeped over. This is what it means in the morning. So, and then she's going to call me, and I'm not in the mood, right? And he walks ahead, goes, it's not worth it. I'll just jack off or have a look. Right. And then I don't have to hear.

You can kind of think about it. And I don't have to hear, but you slept with me and now, you know, you're not looking for anything serious, which I think at 37, a man has heard enough times to know that that's not something he wants to do, which is nice, in a way. Josie's 22, hey, Dr. Emily, my long distance boyfriend and I broke up about two months ago,

the main reason because he was not okay with me hanging out alone with my guy friends. He's also mad when I told him about a few harmless dreams, one involving a guy kissing me, another one was me dating a guy from my middle school. He also picked a fight about me shaving my bikini line for walking out one night with guy friends, and for a few jokes, I made either his expense or we had sexual connotations. All of these things I found dramatic but he insisted

I should be able to see how they would hurt him. I've been described as a guy's girl a lot and my male friendships are completely platonic. When I tell him that he says, I'm not worried about you, I'm worried about them. I've tried to reassure him that it's my choice if I be true relationship but he gets angry because there's no clear boundaries. And his eyes having a pregame with my three guy friends at my apartment alone is unacceptable, but he's working and getting more comfortable. So no surprise we're back together, it's been three weeks and we keep fighting. The main thing that keeps coming up is I don't want to talk about sex constantly. There are times when it feels like we just use sex when there was nothing to talk about

but it gets difficult when he's sex with you during the day and I'm not in the mood. He keeps asking, are you horny? Are you still into me? And then she gets to this. Most of my friends say he's toxic and I shouldn't put up with it. I'm extremely torn, not sure what to do. On the one hand, I want this to work.

On the other hand, I'm scared it's a lost cause and I'm just hurting myself more. So this one brought up a lot. I think first off, she's kind of baiting him by being like, I had a dream kissing another guy. Like, what was guys gonna get jealous about that? Talking about her bikini line on all that. But then just her friends think he's toxic.

So I'm just wondering what you think about all this information should we listen to our friends? Do you think this is clearly toxic? They're not gonna work. They're young. What's your take on this? And they're a long distance. Long distance. They should break up.

This is stupid. They, they, because here's what's, here's what's going on. I'm not here to blame her. I'm happy she emailed in. She's looking for help, but like her friends are getting her side of the story. Okay. It's not even that she's hanging out with like other guys who cares. It's that she's like making jokes at his expense and then he's sexting and then asking, are you still into me? So the sexting he's doing is to like get her to check a box that she's still into him. So like there's no trust here. He's too self-conscious to be in a relationship.

He needs to work on his confidence and I don't think that she's really helping with his confidence by telling him about the dreams and everything. So this is a bad match and the distance takes a really confident person to be in a long distance relationship and to be able to let go of someone and be ready to have them when they're back and you're in the same area. So this isn't and and she has to wonder with all these problems and they've broken up and now gotten back together. I can only speak to her, but like what keeps you in this? What makes you think that this is the only thing for you that there's nothing better that's going to be more fun and you know, maybe she kind of kinda likes the up and down nature to this whole thing, which is fine,

but just admits to that. I think there's a gay-me-ness to this email, which reads image-irtimate, which reads younger relationship. And I think that could be fun, that's exciting. A toxic relationship is quite fun, actually. I think if you're into it. So why would you go back to what we love?

Exactly. It sounds like it's really fun and then it's really bad. And that's like, if that's what she's looking for, because she is 22, and that's okay. Sometimes you need to have some of those to get them out of your system. But I totally agree. drama. And what do you guys think about friendships when your friends are like, dump them? I think you're a good point.

They're only hearing our side of it. I mean, now as I've got older, I'm like, what's his side? But what do you guys think about your friends like him or don't like him? Take out the grain of salt or like, listen to him. Well, here's what I'll say. In this scenario, she should dump him. So they're right. Whether, you know, so like, but they're saying he's toxic. Whether they're always right. Just know your friends are talking about the relationship. They're both toxic. This is toxic.

It's probably what they mean. Right. More than he is toxic. You know, you should listen to your friends because I don't want to get into this like don't listen to your friends. They're telling you something. They're telling you something's off.

That's hard enough. They're being as truthful as they can be with you while still continuing your friendship. They can't look at you and be like, hey, you're a gaming asshole to this guy and this whole thing is toxic. They're more likely to say, he's toxic, get away from him. Because I just don't want to mix up, because sometimes your friends are like, this is dangerous. That's a different story. But they're saying something, you got to listen.. People don't wanna be uncomfortable with their friends.

So they even say anything at all means they think something. The way that she's describing him is telling, even if that's not the most accurate, that you could still make an assessment based on that. I just hear drama, it's true. It's a lot of drama here. And I also learned as I go through life, now I stop and think, which friend should I ask

for advice on this? Like I just know that they don't have a great perspective on dating or on relationships or on whatever it is. So then you start to look at your friends. I used to have the one friend that I call the two and I'm like, oh, she would have a good perspective. She would be fair and even.

Not necessarily the friends are going to tell me what I want to hear, but the friends are going to tell me what like I should hear. But I think that takes time and maturity and life. That's a great point. Live in the life. Yeah. I think like not all friends are created equal. So choose the people whose advice you take wisely.

Choose wisely. Okay. I'm going to ask you as the five quicky questions. We ask all of our guests. So we'll just go back and forth. But since don't overthink it, just firstly comes to your mind. Ready? Biggest turn on.

Knowing what you want. What? Biggest turn off. Unawareness. Bragging-ness. Is that a word? Bragging-ness. Yeah. Bravado. What makes turn off? Unawareness. Bragging-ness. Is that a word? Bragging-ness. Yeah. Provotto.

What makes good sex? Communication. Mystery. Something you tell your younger self about sex and relationships. Communicate more. Own what you want. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? Just because the sex is good does not mean the relationship is good. Talking is good.

Don't just assume. Okay. I love it. Thank you both. Jordana, Jared. Thank you for being here. Tell us what people can find you, what you're going on, all the things. Thank you so much for having us. Well, we have the U-Up podcast out every Wednesday, Tuesday for subscribers and Sundays. Find us at you.up.podcast at your Diana Abraham on Instagram. Yeah, I'm at Jared Freed, but check out the U.A. podcast. It's on YouTube. It's on all that good stuff. It's fun. I honest talk about dating. Yeah, the special Netflix 37 single. It's out there. You can watch it. Great with the significant other. Good way to get talking and having like a nice date.

Thank you guys. Thanks for being here. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or or relationship to call my hotline, 559 Talk Sex.

That's 559-825-5739. A go to sexwithemily.com-ask-emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. feedback at sexwithmleaf.com.