Sex With Emily - Happy Endings for Everybody

Episode Date: July 16, 2024

Did you know that nipple sensations for vulva-owners ignite the same parts of the brain as clitoral stimulation? Today, we’re unlocking all of the overlooked erogenous zones including nipples. ALL genders can potentially have more pleasure and orgasms through nipple play—you just need the proper tips and tricks.   We hear from a masseuse who is exploring the reality of “happy endings” as well as a couple who’s interested in perfecting the “g-spot orgasm” and closing the orgasm gap. (I like to call it the “g-area”... Find out why!) In this episode you’ll learn: How to have a nipple orgasm Ways to help with the orgasm gap How to respond to a partner who you feel may not be sexually attracted to you  Show Notes: SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Try the LELO Enigma Double Sonic Today! (Use code "SEXWITHEMILY" for 25% off your order, exclusions may apply.) Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.

What if you're on your deathbed and someone goes by you for a second and they touch your nipple and you're like, oh my God, that was amazing. I don't want you to be on your deathbed and have a nipplegasm. Have it now. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today we're talking about something

that gets so overlooked. I mean, more than it should, breasts. Now I'm serious, like you used to hear that, oh, it's all about the breasts, but then sometimes we just skip right over everything and go right for penetration. Did you know that so many women can have nipplegasms? It's a real thing. In fact, when you stimulate the clitoris and the nipples, it stimulates the same part of your brain. Even men can reach orgasm through nipple play. So I get into it,

I give you all my tips and tricks to help you explore this really underappreciated erogenous zone. So many erogenous zones. Let's have some fun. I'll take your questions including a very interesting call from a masseuse whose business has recently taken an interesting and sexy turn. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It helps get the show out to more people and it just takes you a few seconds to do it. You can just do it right now. Look at your phone, look at your app

that you're listening to this on and review us. We so appreciate it. You can also find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, Orax and Facebook, all the places. It's all at Sex with Emily. Check out my new articles, how to master sex in the water and how to have an ace-Spot Orgasm.

Those are up at SexWithEmily.com. And don't forget to sign up for my text messages. You can find the link in the show notes. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. Let's talk to John and his wife, 50 in Illinois. They've called in before. Hi. Hi, Emily.

How are you? Good. How are you? Oh, not too bad. Not too bad. So last time we spoke, I was bragging to you about your advice of just take it down, which worked with the blow job after we've been together quite a long time and my wife has a wicked gag reflex. So anyway, that Oh I said just take it down? Just have her just swallow it and just take it down? Is

that what I said? Take one for the time? Well it was a combination of the salt and caramel lube and then your advice of also like you know at some point you just got to take it down and that's exactly what she said after. I was like holy shit how'd that happen? She's like you know I just took it down just got to take it down. And that's exactly what she said after. I was like, holy shit, how'd that happen? And she's like, you know, I just took it down. I was like, all righty. Okay, and the muse loop, it's huge. I was bragging about that to you,

but I did tell you the one thing I wanted to follow up with because she was at work at the time and now she's here. And so I wanted to follow up on the orgasm gap because that's the thing that kind of stresses me out. Like I come each and every time and I'm like very happy about that, but sometimes I feel guilty because I'm happy to give oral a lot of times I get shot down because it's like, no, it's not the right time. And also too, we've bought all these kinds of different vibrators and

things like that, but like, I don't really think she takes time for the whole like masturbation thing and all that. So, and I'm, I mean, we have sex probably three to four times a week and I bang out a couple solo sessions too on top of that. So I'm all good. But I really wanted to focus more on her. So I set that up and here she is. I'm kind of putting her on the spot a little bit because she got home from work and I was like, we're calling Emily tonight because the kids are not here and I want to get this

out. I'm so happy. No, this will be good. We can just talk here. Chat, tell me your name if you want to. Or you can change your name. Hi, so I'm Julie. Hi, Julie. Julie, let's talk.

Hi, I want to hear from you. What do you think is going on? Like, how do you feel about this orgasm gap that John comes every time and you not so much? I mean, honestly, to me, it's kind of like, do you, how do you feel about this orgasm gap that John comes every time and you not so much? I mean, honestly, I, to me, it's kind of like, no, I think it's just like the norm. Like I don't really, I guess I don't really think it's anything strange, because it's just how it is.

And I've always kind of told him, like, I love being with you and all that. And I just personally don't know how I could have an orgasm sexually. And so I can't help myself. When I started listening to you two years ago, I was floored that only 20% of women have that because I was always like, oh shit, I wish I could give her an orgasm with sex. But I didn't know that.

So that was one thing that was like so unbelievably helpful to every, to most males on the planet. Yes. I'm trying to get it out there, John. I literally, if I could buy a billboard here in Hollywood I would buy a billboard that says only 20% of women are gonna orgasm with your penis. So yeah, that's the truth. I keep interrupting but I had a huge smile on my face because the cleaning lady came today and before they did, there's like four lubes on our nightstand. There's Uber lube, there's what's the coconut one

I'm drawing. A woo more play? Yep and then the warming one that you recommended we haven't tried that yet but it's sitting on the nightstand and then there's pure and there was something else I was like we have like a chronicopia of lube. You have all my favorite lubes. I've literally be matching nightstands. That's amazing. You guys are- Exactly. Okay. I'll stop interrupting. You have a lot of- John, you guys are adorable. Okay. So, Julie, it's kind of how I felt about me too, not to go all political here, but I was

like, oh yeah, men are going to hit on you and be inappropriate. Married men, that's just what it is. I have to play the game and flirt with guys and not say anything about guys being inappropriate. But now we found out, oh no, that's not okay in the workplace. I feel the same way about the orgasm cap. Because, Julie, I used to think, well, you know what? I'm just not going to have an orgasm every time or most times. I'll never have it. Something's wrong with me because it doesn't happen with a penis, but I'll just fake it or whatever. And then I started to realize all this information that, okay, most

women aren't orgasming with a penis, but they do orgasm. The majority of women will orgasm with a mouth, with fingers, with a toy. Right? Yeah. I basically bone orgasm pretty much any other way unless I have a lot of foreplay, like someone goes down on me and they do other things, I'm in the mood, I have enough time, and then maybe during penetrative sex, I'll have an orgasm, but it's not every time. So that's why I think what might be good for you guys is some she comes first action where John

is using a toy on you, using his mouth. And then he said that you weren't always in the mood for it or it wasn't the right time. Is that or do you like it? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I do for sure. Very much so, it's just that I think, you know, I think it's one of those things too where I'm like, I don't have time, yeah, like I'm stressed out or whatever, or like, you know, I have to get up for work

or the kids are home, or all those things that are very common, I know, but I just feel like, no, no, you know, I don't know why, but I just kind of, and then if we do, I'm like, I'm glad we and it was you know a good thing. Oh no sometimes I'll like practically beg and then I will give her or a set of great orgasm I'll be like that was the best and she's like I know right I'm like I know like I like it's getting her to the party is a lot of the problem. Yes because

it's more it's not a easier. Well and then sometimes I track it in my head. I'm like, sweet Jesus, I've had like 15 orgasms to her one. And Emily's talking about the orgasm gap. I'm like, I feel like I'm contributing to it. Yeah. Well, let's end that right now. I mean, it sounds to me like you're talking about having some stress, Julie, which a lot of us do.

I'm telling you, that's why so many of us, and men too, but I hear it more from women. They're like, I don't have time to come down after work and I've gotten so stressed out and there's so much more to do. And the laundry, we get home, women take on more of the house, the homework as well, the household work and kids. So I think what might be good is a grounding exercise. John would maybe, Julie, if you would be into this, what if he gave you a massage for 15 minutes or massaged your feet and you put down your phone and he got you in the mood and used some massage oil or just took a bath? Is there a reset?

Because I know the second, if I'm with somebody and they just rub my back for like 10 minutes, I'll be like, okay, I'm in. It's a change of state. I think you said you have the XSENS, which is the warming lube, but they also have a warming massage oil. Yeah. I mean, I think that you need the XSENS, which is the warming lube, but they also have a warming massage oil. Yeah. I mean, I think that that's, you need the change of state, right? You need the like, let me get into the mindset for sex, which is what the majority of women

need. We do. And we just sort of, but then they feel like you do, Julie. Like once I got going, that wasn't so bad. Kind of like going to the gym, right? When we, we don't want to go to the gym and then we get our shoes, the hardest part of the time is getting our shoes on. Then we get out the door. That's hard too. But then we get there and we're like, oh, okay, not so bad. It sucks is like that. But

how do we get you to link up that amazing feeling afterwards with just getting started? And so I'm trying to think of some hacks here to speed it along for you. The massage thing, I do try it. The one complaint I think you have too is like usually I have a boner with the massage. I'm giving TMI here, but I'm trying to slip in wherever I can because I'm just, I'm so turned on. Well that maybe you need to give her her legs then because women, I think Julie's like me, probably she's a giver, pleaser. She has, she's like, Oh, I'm not there yet, but you really want to go and you, so maybe got to take the dick out of her back.

Amen, Sister Preach. For sure, yes. Right? Like leave your boxers on, leave your underwear on while you're doing it and just make it about Julie. And then Julie will feel your attention. She'll feel the love. She'll feel the connection.

She'll get, she'll like, you're going to be literally, and massage isn't just a light, oh, this is a nice thing to do. It's literally our calming her nerve endings. We're getting stimulated. Our, you know, her oxytocin, her serotonin, our dope, all those feel-good hormones are getting stimulated by the touch. That's why we all love massage so much. It releases stress. That means so we have to wring her out.

We have to get the stress out so you can get in, John. I had to commit to it because I thought that I wasn't able to have an orgasm either that way until I took it. And it didn't happen the first time. It took me like months. Oh, wow. Okay. It's not that easy.

Right. That's not where I'm at. Like, well, it's not in my body. Like, it's just not how I'm built, you know, or something. Yep. You are. I'm built or something. Yep. You are. I believe you can. I believe that most women can have most kinds of orgasms if they commit to trying it and

not giving up and trying the process. But I thought I couldn't because I bought a toy years earlier that was a rabbit vibrator, like literally the rabbit that came out. And I used it once, didn't do anything, never went back to it. Because I thought it was the kind of thing where, oh, you just try it once and it works, right? Like it should just work. Like I'm just not built that way.

But I realized I had to learn my own body. I would be that way too. Okay. So we're the same. There you go. We're like twins. We have to figure it out. But I'm telling you, I think it's possible and John is a very enthusiastic partner.

And so you could use some toys together. You could do mutual masturbation together. But I would just plan and I would be patient and I would pay attention to what you're feeling. And I think it's all possible. But I can't tell you for sure that you'll be able to have it during penetration. Maybe if you have a clitoral vibrator on your clitoris, sometimes that helps to have the internal. But just play with it. Get curious.

John, you gotta keep your penis in your pants for a little bit and warm her up. Well, one other, actually there, I have a question and then a comment. Is that okay? Yeah. Okay, so first question is I'm struggling a little with the kiven method too. I thought that and she kind of is not totally into it and I feel like I'm

doing it wrong. Okay, how are you doing it? We're talking about the oral sex method that's called the kiven method. So typically I start oral with just the clitoris and she always is like lighter, lighter and I feel like my tongue is barely touching. That's one of the like, she was like lightly. Yeah. So like super sensitive. And after she has an orgasm, she like won't allow any touching, which is fine. Although I did tell you I did the cupping of the vulva, which you liked.

So that was it. I love the cupping of the vulva. Right. Yeah. I don't cupping of the vulva. Right. Yeah. I don't remember if I should talk about that. Okay. I tried the whole, I tried the Kevin and maybe it wasn't long enough, is now after hearing

you tell Emily about not really giving it a full go, like, you know, think it is going to work instantly. Maybe that's it. Yeah. I do. Yeah. Probably give up too easily sometimes. Yes, I do too, but I think that you could just kind of stop and go around and tease other, play with their nipples and play with their breasts and do other things and then come back to the clitoris.

But the kiven method is from the side to side. So you're not going, you never should with oral sex go right for the clitoris. I think it's about teasing and kissing the inner thighs and licking around the clitoris, licking around the pubic mound and all the areas around it, the labia. And then you get to the clitoris. But there's also the, the Kiven Methods is about stimulating those nerve endings from side to side. So thigh to thigh, those like you're going up, you're perpendicular lying between her

legs, thigh to thigh, not toes to head. So then you're covering more nerve endings. So you're going like outer labia, inner labia, outer labia, outer labia, back and forth that way. So you're hitting all the nerve endings. This makes total sense because the only other time I gave her a clitoral orgasm from behind, but I gave like a massage with the Muse lube first and rubbed all around, which I was unable to do previous, but with the lube you were fine with it. Then I licked all over the

place, then got to the clitoris and then we were all good. That is hot. From behind is so hot. That is underrated. We should talk about that more too. You're reminding me of all these good things. Cupping the vulva, just putting your hand on the vulva after orgasm or just starting to warm it up. Then you're like warming up the whole area. But then licking from behind is so freaking hot because you're stimulating different nerve endings, you're coming at it differently, and then you get to the clitoris. Yes. Do that. She can only have an orgasm on her back. That was the first time she had one on all fours,

which I was in heaven. Yeah. There you go. By the way, when we're like walking the dogs, we'll be like, so we're outside the bedroom, Emily would approve of this, I have something to tell you. I'm like, oh, sweet Jesus. Oh, good, you guys are my favorite. Okay, yeah.

My last thing, I was walking the dogs the other day and neighbor, like friend, neighbor, like someone who we know pretty well stopped. I was like, hey, how are you? Sorry, are you on a conference call? I was like, oh no, I'm like, and I just decided to be super honest. I was like, hey, how are you? Sorry, are you on a conference call? I was like, oh no. And I just decided to be super honest. I was like, how's your sex life with your husband?

I'm listening to Sex with Emily. It is so good. I'm like, I don't know where you guys are at. I have known nothing about it, but this is TMI. Listen to Sex with Emily. Oh, thank you. You guys are fabulous. Oh my God, you guys keep me posted.

I love hearing from both of you. Thank you for calling. All right, here's what's up. I'm thinking a lot about breasts lately. And I believe they're the most under appreciated erogenous zone. I've talked about this before. Growing up, you kept thinking like,

oh, they're gonna, remember when you started fooling around people, they would first touch your breasts and then they would go down your pants, you know, all the bases, right? But there was so much focus on the breasts and people loving the breasts and all these things But then I realized what happened is at least for me and maybe some of you I've heard that you just kind of skip right over Them and you go right to sex, right? That's that whole in relationships when you stop kissing and you go right to the sex I think we stopped playing with the breasts as well

We stopped realizing that they are these incredible sources of pleasure. Now, I am talking about women right now, but I think that for many men, your nipples, your breasts can feel great too. I don't think that it's every man, but it's kind of like straight men with their prostate that a lot of guys are like, no way, no go, makes me gay, da-da-da. But now I think that men are realizing that, no, the sex act does not make you gay and you have this incredible rodent zone on your body, you might as well explore it. And I think that men are opening up to that more.

I'm not sure if breast plays the same, that maybe men, if they let themselves go and didn't think it was such a feminine thing, that it would feel great. But I have asked a lot of my gay friends too, and I think it's more of a case-by-case basis. I just don't think we can underestimate the power of it because, first of all, to repeat what I said earlier in the show is that the same region of your brain lights up, activates when your clitoris and your breasts, when they're stimulated. And a lot of women can have breastgasms. You can have an orgasm through breast touch,

which makes sense. You know, if you wanna know the specific term, it's the genital sensory cortex. The same region of stimulation by the vagina and the clitoris is activated through nipple play. So it can happen too, maybe you could already be aroused, you could already be having, you know, being turned on with like some playing around, some foreplay, some oral sex.

And then you could start playing with the breasts, but you could also, you know, they might be more receptive at that point because you have all the receptors firing. And the breasts, just like the clitoris, you know, the clitoris expands and the clitoris grows. And for women who have a clitoral hood, it can kind of, when you're turned on, it retracts a little bit. Well, the same thing happens with your breasts. They temporarily change in size and sensitivity as you get more aroused. So it's really fun to experiment with different strokes.

The first thing is, just like the clitoris, you don't want to go right for the nipples, really hard or twisting. I think you should never really twist them unless your partner's into that kind of thing. But make sure that your partner is ready to receive the stimulation because that's the key to making nipple play really hot because they are a sensitive erogenousome. Another tip is to just start with a scalp massage. I should have told this to John and Julie earlier. If you play with the scalp, that can also stimulate blood flow throughout the body. And then you can move

down and pay attention to the neck and the shoulders, collarbone, kiss down their body. Another great thing that I'm using tonight is a massage candle. I'm obsessed with massage candles, just so you know. They warm, you light them, they're not like regular candles, they're made of like coconut oil or soybean oil, and then you light them for five minutes, 20 minutes an hour, and then you blow it out, and you just wait a few minutes, and then you pour it on your partner's body, and that would feel amazing on the nipples.

Because we're talking about heat play too. Your whole body becomes covered in this like beautiful oily, it's not oil though, like it's not oily messy, it's just massage oil. And it's from the candle that was hot, but it's warm, it won't burn you. And then your body's really warm and then your partner can even lay on top of you and it becomes this like slippy, slidey, super sexy experience. But then you could also like leave a bowl of ice cubes by the bed and then you could put an ice cube in your mouth and like use that and trace it over her nipples. The areola is a very sensitive part too.

Sometimes they say that the top part of the areola, which is the ring around the nipple, that is also sensitive. So again, it's not just a one size fits all. There's not a blueprint for every breast, but that could work. So also you want to take your time. You could even, you know how we were talking about the vulva cupping earlier with our guy John? What I meant by vulva cupping is take your hand and like the palm of your hand can start

right where her like vaginal opening is and then it cups up and your fingers go around like the top of her gi, or you could do it the other way too, just like a cupping and your hands just resting right there. And it really can help sort of start to stimulate nerve endings, all the nerve endings at once. And it feels really good. It's a very safe feeling, it's a very grounding feeling. Well, the same thing can happen with the nipples.

You can just put your warm hands like over the breasts to build anticipation. And then you could like, the sides of the breasts are also really sensitive. Taking your fingers and brushing them over the side using your tongue and just sort of teasing all around. And the folds like underneath it, especially if you're wearing a bra all day, that feels really good too. Like don't, you know, don't be so focused on the clitoris and the vulva, but I think the breasts, there's a lot there. I hope that this is sparking some of you to be like, oh yeah, my partner has breasts. Totally forgot about that.

Start slow, build up. Let's talk to Fred in Texas, 60. He's got some comments on breastplate tell me everything Fred. How are you tonight Emily? Great. How are you Fred? Thanks for calling. What's going on? Well I just a couple of quick comments one about about the breastplate. So my wife is my second wife. Both my wife and then her husband had passed away and we met afterwards. So we're kind of going through a second round of learning about each other and ourselves. But anyway, she has relatively small breasts

and I have found it somewhat difficult to get them to be sensitive and have her focus and like them being, you know, have attention pay to them. But I have found that sometimes when she does it herself and we're in the act, that it actually is more effective. Is that something you recognize? Yeah, I actually would talk about that. Yeah, absolutely. I think that playing with our own breasts can also be really stimulating for many women. I think absolutely. Yeah, that makes sense. I think that many women do that as well. The other comment I'll make is that she has learned to lick and suck my nipples and that's an amazing turn on that I've never experienced before. And it's me envisioning her sucking another woman's breast, but at the same time, the sensation of it and knowing that she likes to do it is really a big turn on for me.

Oh, yeah. That's what I think, Fred, for many men it is, but they just never had anyone try it. Are you saying that it feels good because you're picturing her be with another woman? Well, there's kind of that, that, that potential visual impression that I get, but at the same time, having the physical sensation to go with it is, is all pretty amazing. That sounds really fun, Fred. I love that you guys are exploring now in your second chapter, you know, second marriage and your six, I love this. Yeah, there's, this is what I say. There's so many

erogenous zones on our body and we often don't even pay attention to them. We spend our whole lives not like with all this pleasure right on our bodies. So- Yeah, and at 60 is better than it ever was at 30. So don't give up hope. Okay, Fred. Super inspiring. Thank you, Fred. I love it. Good night. Thanks for those comments. Really helpful. You guys, it just gets better. I think that everything that we pay attention to, that we spend time on, that we care about, that we want to get good at, takes a little bit of time.

Takes us prioritizing. It takes us focusing. But that's how it happens. That's how it happens. Better at 60. Whose sex life's getting better and better? I want that for all of you. I want that for everyone. I mean, I know from my sex life gets better every single year since I've been in this career. Not before that. I was like a lot of you.

I thought that I couldn't have orgasms in certain ways and that I was never going to be turned on and I was never going to like sex again. But I've learned that it's a practice, just like everything that we care about, that we prioritize. It's a sex is not a destination. It is a journey. We are all on a path. I welcome you to join us on the sexiest sex path here on Sex Family. Maybe try that tonight. Like just see how it goes, go slow. Maybe your partner hasn't felt it before, but you wanna just kinda check in and see how it feels.

Cause what if you're like on your deathbed and someone like goes by you for a second and they like touch your nipple and they're like, oh my God, that was amazing. I had no idea. It felt so good to get my nipples touched and now I'm about to die. I don't want that to happen to you. I don't want you to be on your deathbed and have a nipplegasm.

Have it now. Try this one. Tracing a swirl from the outside and trace the tip of your finger from the outside edges of the breast and slowly circle your way to the center. And then when you're doing this, and you could do this on your own when you're masturbating. Just like Fred said, his partner gets off on that too. I know that that's for me too. When I touch my own breast, when I'm already turned on, that feels really good.

So either you or your partner can do this and you take your finger and you just move from circles from the outside of the breast to the inside. You could have some lube on your finger. You could wet your finger and you just move from circles from the outside of the breast to the inside. You could have some lube on your finger. You could wet your finger. And then when you're doing that, slow down and just pay attention to the moment. What are you feeling? What's the texture? What's the contour?

What's the sensations that you're feeling as you're moving your finger in towards the nipple? Sarah 22 in New York City says, She's already seen someone new who is running into some sexual difficulties. He hasn't been able to maintain erection. We've tried a number of times. He loses erection as soon as it looks like things are heading towards sex.

He also won't attempt any other sexual acts. Won't touch my breasts or butt without his hands being moved to those areas. I want him to initiate sexual activities and sex with me. I've expressed my interest in having him be more sexually aggressive. I wondered if he's interested in me or in sex. He assured me that that's not the case. He's been sexually active before. He says he actually has a high sex drive, but I think he's in his head now. Any suggestions? Are we just sexually incompatible? He also indicated a desire to get into a relationship, but I Any suggestions on having the talk without putting more pressure on the performance?

It's a great question. So this is something, gosh, I could go off on this forever, but she's 22. I'm going to assume her partner is about in his 20s, that men are losing erections now more frequently at a younger age than ever heard from people before. I'm going to assume her partner is about in his 20s, that men are losing erections now more frequently at a younger age than ever heard from people before. Now a lot of times it's because of anxiety or a repeated pattern of losing erection. So then you're like, oh, I'm going to lose an erection. And usually it's because you're really in your head.

And for some men, there's a lot of different reasons why this could happen. It could be happening because he's watching a lot of porn. You know, maybe when there's not the stimulation of porn, I mean, think about it. When you're 22, you essentially grew up with porn. You grew up with it on your phone, you had an iPad, you grew up with it. And so that's how you picture sex. So porn is always the precursor to sex, right? Every time you masturbate, you watch porn. Watch porn, watch masturbate. And then you're in a real life and you're having sex with a real human and it might

just feel like your body isn't ready. It isn't prepared for it. It's sort of off because you're not having that porn precursor. That's one theory. I would recommend that you just talk to him about his porn watching and if that's part of it or there could just be some pressure, some anxiety around it. Maybe it's happened before. He might be on medications that could cause that.

If he's drinking a lot, that could also cause it. There's also studies that have shown lately that this generation of people like in the younger and their 20s and teens are maybe born with less testosterone. It could be a hormone issue where they're saying it's because of our foods and certain things. This is a newer theory, but it could be that because I'm hearing it more and more often in ways that don't actually used to, didn't make sense,

but it could be porn, it could be anxiety, medications. So I think that that's what's happening is that Sarah, he's getting anxious because he's losing his erection. So, he can't think of anything else. He can't think about your breasts. He can't think about going down on you. But I think what you need to let him know is that it's okay.

Because what I've also found is that once you give men something to do and you take the pressure off their penis and you're like, hello, have you met my clitoris? Have you seen my nipples? This is what I like. Then they're focused on another project, another thing, and sometimes their erections magically come back because they're focused on your pleasure. They're engaged in that task and they want to please you. I believe that most of our partners want to please us.

So, I would just tell them, like, well, this is what I really like. I think you got to talk to them. So I don't know if you had the conversation outside the bedroom where you say, you know what, let's talk about our sex life. I understand sometimes you lose direction. That's totally, you know, I don't think we should trip on it. Comes back eventually because it does usually come back. But you could say, here's what I love and I know I've mentioned this to you before,

but sometimes I think maybe you don't know what I like. So let me show you what I like. Like show him how you like to be touched. Show him what kind of touch feels good on your nipples. Show him what feels good on your body. I think a lot, and remember, you're in your early 20s. I'm going to assume that neither one of you have a lot of sexual experience yet with sexually healthy relationships.

You might have had a lot of sex, but it doesn't mean they were healthy and communicative. So I agree. Do not commit to anybody until you find out if you're sexually compatible, but the only way you're gonna find that out is if you talk about it and you experiment and see if he's receptive to it. And then if he's not, he's like, I don't wanna work on it, I don't wanna talk about it, well then you have your answer.

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be sure to use my code SEX WITH EMILY for 25% off all other products. That's l-e-l-o.com. Use code SEX WITH EMILY at checkout to save 25% off all other products or just click the link in the show notes. I cannot wait to talk to Billy. Hi, Billy. Thanks for calling. Hi, Emily. Hi. I've been thinking this would be happening. Tell me everything. Hi, I've been thinking this would be happening. Tell me everything. So I'm 42 single and I've been working as a massage therapist and I work in hotels and

resorts for many, many years. And there's definitely been the issues maybe because of the different type of location that I'm in. But during COVID I've moved to doing, since most of them have closed down or done off services to do in my own services and just posting in different areas to kind of build up my business.

And lately, I've been having more and more women who want me to bring them to orgasm. And it's not done through penetration or anything of, you know, of myself. I'm fully clothed. And at first it kind of took me by surprise, shocked by it, but then after a while, you kind of, I mean, it's kind of like enjoyable of the power of doing it. And it's just kind of odd at this point. Just one of your thoughts were on that. Wow. So Billy, you're actually doing it.

So I have a question. So you're going into their homes and you're bringing them to orgasm by rubbing their clitoris? Exactly. The whole hand is all through my hand, nothing else. I mean, I stay fully in my typical what I wear, which is just a t-shirt and a white, some kind of pants or something.

But yeah, I mean, it's nothing where I'm doing anything more than using my hands. But it's funny how you can kind of tell when they want it to be done. And I think some that has been, you know, it's, you kind of pick up the sense, you kind of just, but, but it's enjoyable,'m enjoying being able to do that for other people. But I'm just concerned now that it's just becoming, you know, not really. It's not part of my industry. I know. It's really not.

I mean, we always hear men do this all the time and now women. And so, and you're actually doing it. So is it repeat people or you're just finding that women are- Yeah. It's not all the time, obviously. But as I have got a little bit of a repeat business, then I have other people call me and say they met with a certain person and come over. Wow.

And it's funny, they don't have the same sign kind of like the way you could tell they want you to touch them and you try to hold back and then it's just, I think really just the feeling of doing it. And I don't know if you call it power, if that's the right word, of bringing some of the orgasm because they're enjoying it is pretty cool. Yeah, no, it is pretty cool.

So you sound like, how long does it take for the average woman to have an orgasm with your hands? You know, it's a full hour massage. And generally, most of them are about halfway through it because you start on your belly and when you're working your body and then the thighs, you could tell that just the way they kind of move that they want you to do more. Ramon called in, a caller, and he has a message saying that he's a criminal defense attorney. And he says to make sure that you have consent written and verbal from your clients. That's actually a great idea. Yeah. I would do that, Billy, because it could get, you just don't know, it could get messy. And I just don't want you to lose your massage license.

And it is still illegal in this country. But I get it. Oh, it says here, someone said that SB 233 passed January 21st, 2020 solicitation and other sex work related offenses are still illegal in the state of California and may be punishable by up to six months in jail and a thousand dollar fine. So you don't know these women, you don't know what they might, someone might fall in love with you, they might start texting. You know what I mean? Like it could get messy and especially because they're telling all of their friends. Now a way to go around that, if you want to go to school, you could become a sexological

body worker, which is what some of my friends do here, and that's where you can actually work with people, women, and help them with arousal and help them with orgasm. They wear gloves and it's a whole process. I thought this has been happening and I even had friends a few years ago say to me, had a few married friends saying, where men get happy endings all the time and where can women go? I honestly think that it's a good service to do. I think that, but it's, yeah, I think you got to cover your ass here.

And is there anyone that you're attracted to? Most of the people who want it, I don't think they're looking for anything more, quite honestly. And it's just the desire, and maybe it's just the person who really knows, and it's over and it's gone, and there's nothing any more than my head. Yeah. It's really, I mean, I know, but that's pretty good and no lube and you're just like rubbing them. Do they all want some, I'm just curious. Do they all want, no, no Most of the time, external always. And most of the time, it's feeling quick only because it's part of the entire massage. It can build up, if you will, the fall play, I guess you would call it. It's there. And then the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the then the actual simulation really doesn't take that long, to be honest, on most people. Yeah. That's what we're talking about is when there's a delay

or when there's a buildup or there's tension because it's something you shouldn't do, which is why, yeah, the anticipation is what's really hot. But some questions are, first off, do you... First off, an angry partner, like a woman could tell her partner, like, oh, this masseuse did something and then he could come after you, right? They could try to ruin your life for your business. And also some other questions here from my team are like, do you get more money or better business from doing it? Is it growing your business and are you getting good tips? You know what? It's not going to be business as much as I would say, but you do get extra dollars doing it. And I don't do it in English for that reason. I think it's more the fact that I know this sounds really weird, like I'm helping somebody.

Like they need that and I'm helping them achieve that without breaking certain barriers of actual penetration. Yeah. No, I mean, it really is a service and I wish that we could legalize it, sex work here. So we could just have some... It clearly isn't... It's the oldest profession in the world, right? And it sounds like right now you're having pretty good boundaries, although I would kind of tighten this stuff up by getting consent. Especially if it's someone who's hitting you up, they said, oh, Jane sent me, then you know what that means now. It's like code word for happy ending. And so, you know, but it also makes sense during COVID that women are kind of like, I don't, I need this.

I need to release, I need human contact. And it just, I wish that we had... Yeah, they do. They miss intimacy, you know, really. It's just funny because I've gotten so many massages in my lifetime, a lot. Different countries. And I've never had anybody do that. I've never had anybody suggestively do anything that felt inappropriate.

I know that many women have. I just haven't. So it's like there must be something that you are suggestively doing that's encouraging it because I would never come onto it. I mean, actually I did hook up with a therapist once, but I ran into him that night and I was like, that was a great massage. And then we had sex. But I wasn't on the table.

He wasn't touching me in any way. I wished he would have at the time. I was like, oh, he's so, what a good massage. So I think it's about boundaries and I get that it's also really powerful too. And I understand that. I'm wondering if there's other ways you could explore this. Do you have a partner now? Are you with anybody?

No, no, not right now. No. Okay. Yeah, I mean- But for you to still, it sounds like I should kind of pull back from it though, because I know that with my life, in order I want to get trouble for it. You really don't. I mean, that's the thing.

I just don't mean, you never, someone seems like a nice person and they tell their partner, I wish you were as good as the massage. I wish you were as good as Billy, my massage therapist. Then you know what I'm saying? Then there goes your career. I don't think it's worth it if you really like being a massage therapist. But I think almost that would even be better for you if there was more kind of consent around it and you set it up in a way that people were consenting and you had them sign

something. I would do some research because I'm sure this exists, but the way you're going now, you have a good streak. And I just think if you do it legally in a way where it's a consensual relationship, you might have a booming business right now. Yeah. Yeah. It's nothing I would ever do back in a wholesaler spa because of the light building there, but I just kind of fell into it doing it on my own in people's homes. Yeah. No, that makes that totally make sense. I heard women asking for this in the last few years more so, but definitely during COVID, it's a thing. So, well, thanks for sharing that, Billy. I would just try to do some research.

Thank you. You're invited. Of course. Thank you, Billy. I appreciate it. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or a partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, or X and Facebook all at Sex With Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good emails, so sign up at SexWithEmily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides

and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you want to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline, 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739. Or go to SexWithEmily.com slash Ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at SexWithEmily.com.