Sex With Emily - Have Better Sex in 2024

Episode Date: December 26, 2023

I’m always encouraging you all to set goals for yourself in your sex life and relationships, and there’s arguably no better time than in the New Year. Today, Producer Erica and I review prediction...s for 2024 sex and relationship trends, make some of our own predictions, and suggest some New Year’s resolutions to make 2024 your sexiest year yet.In this episode you’ll learn:About the living apart, together movementWhat pleasure mapping is, and how to do itWhat percentage of successful couples schedule sexSee the full show notes at Notes:VIIA Hemp Co’s High Love Libido Gummies (code EMILY for 15% sitewide + Free Gummies Sample)Get to Know Your Body with “Vulva Mapping”LELO DotSHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69)The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureWant more? Sex With Emily: HomeLet’s get social: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok Let’s text: Sign Up HereWant me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. Hosted on Acast. See for more information.

Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 What am I doing this week? That's for me. That's not about my partner, my work, my family, my kids, my friends. If you look at your schedule and you say, okay, I'm going to go hiking, I'm going to go pick flowers, I'm going to be in nature, I'm going to cook. Whatever it is that feels good to you, I promise that pleasure gets pleasure. And the more you do things in your life that make you feel good, the more you're going to cultivate that in other areas of your life.
Starting point is 00:00:26 You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Amley and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. You know that I'm always encouraging you to set goals for yourself and your sex life and relationships, but there's arguably no better time than in the new year. Today, producer Eric and I are reviewing predictions for 2024 sex and relationship trends, making some of our own predictions and suggesting some New Year's resolutions to help make 2024 your sexiest year yet. One favorite to ask, please rate and review sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It really helps the show get out to the show, it really helps the
Starting point is 00:01:05 show get out to more people, spread the sex positive message, and I love reading them. So today's is from Robert. I just want to reach out and give a resounding thank you, your show saved my relationship, all of your sex and relationship advice from both you and your amazing guests that teaches everything from communication to self-appreciation and pleasure and pleasing others. Adding the high love gummies from via hem company was an amazing experience for both my partner and myself that I was too insecure to open up and talk about her try. Now I feel like I'll try anything once and comfortably.
Starting point is 00:01:36 I love that. We love via hem company too. We're huge fans over here. And he loves the show. Thank you for leaving your review and you guys just leave your review on Apple podcasts and we'll read them. We always read them, but maybe we'll read he loves the show. Thank you for leaving your review and you guys just leave your review on Apple podcasts and we'll read them. We always read them, but maybe we'll read them on the show. And also please subscribe to the section of the Emily Podcast so you never miss an episode. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. If you care about the state of the world and want to set it on a better course, we have
Starting point is 00:02:05 a solution that may be somewhat surprising. Work in Finance. At CFA Institute, our programs and courses are deeply rooted in ethical perspective, but we don't just teach. We create codes of conduct and impact key policy issues with global governments and regulators. To join a global network of investment professionals, visit slash set the standard today. We are approaching the end of another eventful year. 2023, what a year, we made it, we did it. Curse year.
Starting point is 00:02:47 And as we do at the end of the year, we like to look towards the new year. So what's happening this time of year is a lot of people are predicting trends, like you read the trends in 2024 and what we're going to see more of in all different areas. But I love looking at the sex and relationship trends. What are people predicting is going to happen in the new year?
Starting point is 00:03:03 I also want to tell you some of my predictions and I want to give you guys some helpful inspiration to make your own resolutions for the New Year. Because it doesn't ever want to make sex resolutions. You know if you stick with those, it's going to be a reward. A reward that is going to feel good and more pleasure, which is what we're all about. A lot of people think that our sex is something
Starting point is 00:03:20 that just going to happen to us, it's going to get better just magically. But if you really take a few minutes of intention and think about what would I actually like my sex life? To be like a year from now. I'm sitting here. I'm listening to sex with Emily What would I like to feel that's a little bit different? We're gonna inspire you. Here we go These are the predictions the trends that people are talking about for 2024. This rings true for sure People are going to be craving emotional intimacy over sex. Emotional intimacy is funny. I always think, you
Starting point is 00:03:50 know, like emotional intelligence, emotional intimacy. What are we actually saying when we mean that? But it's really about someone that you can trust being your authentic self. Feeling like somebody really sees you and they know you and they they understand who you are. You know, you feel safe. You can be vulnerable with this person. So it makes sense that coming off the pandemic last few years, mental health being less stigmatized, that people would be saying, you know what? Yeah, I want them to be hot.
Starting point is 00:04:17 I want them to be successful. I want all the things I always wanted. It may be a sense of humor, but I really want them to be someone that I trust, someone who can talk about their emotions and their feelings, their good listeners, or they're interested. Interesting people are interested. And Bumble did a survey that 32% of their app users found that emotional intimacy is more important than sex. They're also saying it's more important than a physical connection.
Starting point is 00:04:41 Do you think that that used to be the number one pillar before? I think that physical intimacy, success, money, height, there's a lot of things that we put before emotional intimacy for sure. That is a huge switch. In fact, that's the thing that's the most interesting and hopefully predictive of the years to come that people are going to realize that I don't want to get into a toxic unhealthy relationship. And if I'm more conscious on the front end, not just about jumping in bed with somebody because I'm attracted to them, but I'm gonna look at the whole picture of the person that it can help us just be smarter, wiser, more deliberate, dateers. With that, there's less of a scarcity mindset around dating.
Starting point is 00:05:21 The scarsy mindset that I have to show up on every date, hoping that this is the one and this is the last person I'm gonna meet and maybe they're the best thing that ever happened to me. We're no longer in that mindset. We realize that there's a lot of single people out there and back more single people than ever. And we can be pickier, we can wait. There's not this desperation.
Starting point is 00:05:39 We realize that we're not coming from a place of lack, we're coming from a place of abundance. Like I know I'll find my person the more authentic I am, the more true I am about who I am, then that's gonna attract other authentic people with the same values. There's a lot of people out there to date. Living apart together movement, the lat movement.
Starting point is 00:05:57 I love that this isn't all the predictions because I am seeing this huge shift with people deciding, I love this person, they're my person. We are committed, we are romantic, but I have no intentions of living with you. In fact, I think that if we cohabitate, that won't be great for our relationships. I think we see this with all different age groups,
Starting point is 00:06:16 but I think especially people who may be a later in life, maybe in their 40s or 50s and they're settling, they have their homes, they have their lives, so they're like, I'm already set, you have your home, I have my home, but why don't we still get together? A few times a week, have dates, it still keeps that thrill, that excitement, that newness.
Starting point is 00:06:31 I love that we can normalize that. Like, who said that we have to all just move in together, share the same bedroom, the same lives, watch the same TV shows, and become one? I mean, I think that we're realizing that living apart, we might be great partners, but not the best roommates, and that's okay. A 2022 census revealed that 3.89 million Americans were living apart from their partners that year. That's a lot of people.
Starting point is 00:06:53 That's totally one reason why living apart together might work for some people if you already have established roots, you get together later in life. I feel like I'm hearing of couples who had kids. They are now graduated and off to college. And suddenly one partner is like, I don't wanna live in this city anymore. I wanna go somewhere new and the other one wants to stay. Why stop yourself from having those new adventures in life you could stay together, but.
Starting point is 00:07:18 Right, especially if you already have the history that you already lived together, we've done this life together. We're gonna close this chapter and move into another chapter. What I love is just having these conversations about different kinds of relationships and different ways to live together is that who is making these rules? It's not like the government says you have to live together or maybe I think it's always like our parents, our neighbors.
Starting point is 00:07:38 You get to decide that I'm not actually going to pay attention to the judgments or those voices from the people that I think are going to judge me, but I'm going to make a decision that feels right for me. It's so empowering and I just think we don't see a lot of models of it. So I would love to just continue to have these conversations. I don't love speaking around the gender binary like women do this and men do that. I really stay away from that, but there's still some things that hold true and that women are traditionally more in the caregiver role.
Starting point is 00:08:04 And so they find that they can't help it. They fall into that role, they're the caregiver, and they think that, well, maybe if I live apart, I can keep my autonomy and I can still use all those caregiving skills for, like, myself, for my work, for my friends, for my family, but maybe it doesn't have to be for this person I live with. And they feel like by living apart, they can still maintain that independence and they know themselves well enough to know that living together might not be their jam.
Starting point is 00:08:28 And also, people in long-term relationships struggle to keep sex interesting and hot, and they are craving the spontaneity and the variety, which is really hard to muster up when you are sharing a bed, a house, a life with somebody because you don't have that separation, the newness. So if it feels like date night all the time, every time you see each other, not that you won't have sleepovers, but you have that built-in separation, we see it working for many
Starting point is 00:08:57 couples. I like seeing that that's an analyst here. Okay, another interesting thing with the Bumble 2023 survey that 63% of data say age isn't a defining factor and 59% of women say they're now open to dating someone younger than them. I feel like that has been trending for a that the women have to be the younger people and relationships. And it's still significant that 41% of people are still not open to dating someone younger than them. Like that belief still holds true for many people
Starting point is 00:09:35 that the women should be the younger partner in a heterosexual couple. Why do you think more women are wanting to date younger or open to dating younger? I mean, I think that there's a lot of reasons. We might be more attracted to younger men. There's more, maybe, energy or enthusiasm or more validation for being independent, wise, knowing ourselves as women. I think sexually too, I think that they older we get women become more confident more in their bodies, so that might be really attractive and it might be nice to be somebody who kind of reveres
Starting point is 00:10:07 women in their pleasure and in their power. I remember in another episode we did this year, you talked about dating younger. What were the draws for you? I'd say most of the people I dated were younger probably the last 10 or so years. And some a lot younger. But it was just the person I met energetically be connected. I've always thought about ages truly just a number. Just like you could date any gender now,
Starting point is 00:10:33 you can date any age. Like I think of that tracks. So for me personally, it wasn't so much that they were younger. It was just more where they were in their lives. And also my life is like I have never prioritized having a family. So also people in my age, like I'm not trying to get pregnant.
Starting point is 00:10:46 I'm not trying to find someone to take care of me to really bring anything else other table than companionship and great sex, a good time. Someone who likes to move through life, like how I like to move through life or where you can learn from each other. And so I feel like this is going on for like 20, 30 years now, but women are making a lot of money
Starting point is 00:11:06 buying their own homes, maybe choosing not to have children or have children on their own. Maybe they're divorced and they already have kids. They just, they want someone that is a companion, they can have a good time with, that they can have good sex with, and maybe it's hard to find people their age that can do that.
Starting point is 00:11:21 As a woman dating younger in your 20s, probably isn't as common, but I think once you get older, maybe your mid 30s, that might be a really good time to do it. Because I think in our 20s, we're still maturing, there's a big difference between your early 20s and your early 30s. And so I think that we're talking about the sweet spot of like your 30s, 40s, 50s might be a really good time for To be aligned. That's a good clarification. Love is love. We get to decide who we're attracted to. Another prediction declining traditional monogamous relationship timelines
Starting point is 00:11:57 So 31% of women say they're no longer focused on adhering to traditional timelines or milestones. I think the timeline is also moving back for a lot of people. Yeah. A lot of younger people aren't focused on finding relationships, at least on the coast. Your parents are saying, like, when am I going to have a grandchild? Right. And your friends are pursuing careers, adventures, figuring out who they are. They're probably not feeling the weight of like, I to get married and follow this be married by you know time I'm 25 mm-hmm. Another thing is an interest in sports. This is a funny one to me.
Starting point is 00:12:34 That's important. I guess for women teps for for their partners it gets bumble as mostly women. Okay, you tell me is sporting been become more oh about me. I feel like I I love going to a sports game for fun, but I don't really keep track of the teams. Yeah. I've never been a sports person ever. And I was so, like, I went to college at University of Michigan. It was all about sports going to the games.
Starting point is 00:12:57 And I, that was probably the one time my life that I was into sports. I go to the games, like the school spirit, we're all about sports and going to the games. And that was a big deal. But that was when I graduated, okay? That was a long time ago, and I stopped following Michigan football, the games, what I was interested in,
Starting point is 00:13:11 and then I started dating someone who went to Michigan. So now we've got games, we're watching sports. That was definitely not on my list, but yeah, you do lots of things for love. That hasn't been fun to share an interest in sports. An added point for the trend. It is. Those were some predictions made from other sources,
Starting point is 00:13:27 but these are some of my predictions of what we're going to see more of in 2024. People will be focusing more on embodiment, being present in their bodies, being more aware, having more mindfulness practices, maybe more mindful masturbation, maybe some pleasure mapping where you can map your penis or your vulva and learn more about your body and what actually makes you feel good because we can do a lot of talking and reading about sex and listening to people
Starting point is 00:13:54 talk about sex. Hello, I'm so glad you're all listening. But there is some power in taking pleasure into our own hands and actually exploring our bodies, paying attention to where we experience the most pleasure. And we have a great article on our site about pleasure mapping, which I will link in the show notes, because that's a lot of places to feel good. We have secondary ribonid zones,
Starting point is 00:14:14 not just our genitals, many things going on. I feel good. Discovering a secondary arogenous zone is like magic. Yes. It's like, oh, what? I never thought that this area could bring me pleasure. It could be like the inside of your elbow. And It's like, oh, what? I never thought that this area could bring me pleasure. It could be like the inside of your elbow. And it's like, oh my gosh.
Starting point is 00:14:29 Why does that feel so good? Most people that you're with are not going to go digging to find your secondary rodent zones. Most of us know our primary rodent zones, like our breasts, our penis, our vagina, our vulvas, but yeah, the nape of your neck, the inner elbow, your inner thighs. And if you sit for a minute, you might be able to think, oh, yeah, that does feel really good when someone kisses mind-dack. I do get really turned on and feel connected and I get that tingly feeling.
Starting point is 00:14:54 If that's the case, then now you know you can explore on your own, let a partner know. We're like, hey, by the way, let's explore this more. That's how we keep sex hot and interesting. That's it. Let's go exploring. Another prediction, there's going to be more open relationships. And there was a poll of February 2023. You go up, poll that found that 34% of Americans described their ideal relationship as something other than complete monogamy. There's a lot of people saying, no, you know what? I don't just want to be monogamous. I might want to try sex with somebody else, go to a play party, but being with one person
Starting point is 00:15:32 in this traditional sense isn't working for me. And it does say that it's more common for men and women under 45 to be interested in something other than complete monogamy, which I find interesting because I feel like it's all ages, but. And I think that's an important distinction too. It's not like 34% of people want to be polyamorous. They just want something other than complete monogamy. And that, I feel like, has already been a trend this year, and it's only going to continue where people are just unlocking
Starting point is 00:15:59 new ways of defining their relationship, new ways of playing, it's less all or nothing. Really, that's why we talk about it. Just give you choices of what it might look like for you. I don't have to just have this traditional relationship, sleeping with one person next to me in the bed every single night for the rest of my life. There's a lot of things that are shifting in our lives. First off, we're living a lot longer. And also, what if we're working from home and then you're home with someone all the time, right? Just to spell out some different examples for people. If you were to bring a third into
Starting point is 00:16:32 the bedroom, that already counts as something other than monogamy, right? And so many people write in asking for three-some tips. Yeah, because what you guys are not monogamous, it could be having a threesome going to a sex party, cuckolding, you know, watching your partner have sex with somebody else. And it could just be once a year. Could it be once a relationship? But that still means that you are a couple who's interested in something different than the norm. I think it's important to talk about the misconceptions around nonmenogamy.
Starting point is 00:16:58 People think it's people who want to cheat or have a lot of partners or it's an excuse to cheat or have a lot of partners or it's an excuse to cheat or have commitment issues. But what we really see in people who practice ethical non-monogamy in a really healthy, safe way, they're talking about everything. They're communicating and they often joke. They're talking more than they're having sex. What I love about these type of arrangements no matter what it looks like is that you do have great practice in exploring boundaries, having healthy conversations
Starting point is 00:17:26 around sex, which by the way, you can do it in a monogamous relationship, but we just see people who successfully are in these nominogamous relationships. They're not experiencing a lot of mistrust or cheating because it's all out in the open. You get to decide what it looks like. And if you literally asked 10 couples
Starting point is 00:17:44 in nominagamas relationships, they would all look a little different. So more on that in the new year. The next prediction, I think we're gonna bring back speed dating in 2024. And to back this up, turns out in early 2023, attendance at event bright events that mentioned dating or singles rose by 62%.
Starting point is 00:18:06 Compared to the same time last year, speed dating is a lost art. Maybe people have been executed as well or got a bad rap at some point, but it is so efficient. And for all of you who hate dating online, you have burned out your swiping, you've gone on Tony Baddates, sign up for a speed dating event and meet like 15 single people in the same amount of time you meet one person that you are not into. You know, you're going to be like, you're going to be like, you're going to be like, you're going to be like, you're going to be like, you're going to be like, you're going to be like, you're going to be like, you're going to be like,
Starting point is 00:18:28 you're going to be like, you're going to be like, you're going to be like, you're going to be like, you're going to be like, you're going to be like, you're going to be like, you're going to be like,
Starting point is 00:18:36 you're going to be like, you're going to be like, you're going to be like, you're going to be like, you're going to be like, you're going to be like, you're going to be like, you're going to be like,
Starting point is 00:18:44 you're going to be like, you're going to be like, you're going to be like, you're going to be like, speed dating events. In fact, I want to do a speed dating event this year when I start going on the tour with sex with Emily, would you all be down with showing up for a pre-sex with Emily live show speed dating event? And then you know everyone there is sex positive. Everyone's sex positive. Everybody wants a growth mindset around sex in that room because they have been listening to sex with Emily. So I love this. This is exciting. You all come do this?
Starting point is 00:19:09 So fun. Okay, I also love speed dating. Not that I've actually done it, but you're inspiring me. You'll come. You'll lead an haircut. I didn't tell you, you're gonna be in charge of the speed.
Starting point is 00:19:18 Oh yeah, of course. So many times you match with someone on a date. You are texting them for days, hopefully not weeks as we've discussed on former dating episodes, but like, you could be so excited about someone. You meet them. And then in the first five minutes, you know by meeting them in person, oh, this does not match the idea I had in my head. So speed dating. It's like, oh, you already know right then and there if you click in person or not, their body language, the way you banter in real life,
Starting point is 00:19:44 that's like, that's way more efficient. Way more efficient. And then you get better at dating too. So if you're somebody who feels rusty, you've been sitting home, you feel awkward, go throw yourself into some speed dating events, and practice talking to people. Everything in life is a practice and a skill set, especially the things that are important to us, and that we prioritize. So even if you don't meet anyone, you're going to figure out what is attractive to you and when you feel the most confident and what you want to talk about and how you want to answer some of the same questions like where you're from and what you do, you'll just get better at it.
Starting point is 00:20:15 So let's do that. And then you're decreasing your anxiety about dating. You always say dating is a muscle and I really put that into the fact that I started working here. I was like Emily says dating is a muscle so I just went on a bunch of dates and now it totally got me over the fear. I love that. Yeah, it does work. It's like repetition. Just do it. Make that commitment. Make that resolution that you're gonna find one in your area and the next thing is increase in sex toy use. Now not just because I talk about sex toys all the time for almost
Starting point is 00:20:46 20 years, but the sex toy market has been booming, which I love. There's so much innovation with sex toys, but also what I'm seeing is that there's more penis owners who are way more interested in sex toys, and it's not because of they are with a vulva. It's because they realize that I could use my hand, but I could also get a masturbation sleeve, a prostate toy. And so we've seen a lot more exploration by penis-outro-using sex toys and also couples. I still get asked that question like,
Starting point is 00:21:16 is my partner gonna be upset if I bring up a sex toy or they think it's gonna replace them, but less and less? So that bodes well for having a sex toy, trying one out, getting a bullet, vibrator, or just something like a little mini vibe that you can use, no matter what your body parts. We are covered in nerve endings, nerve endings feel good when vibrated, period, and story. This is your year. Oh, a big thing this year was that I launched my own shop site, which was many, many years in the making, and I'm so excited about it because as you know, I have tried
Starting point is 00:21:44 literally every toy in the planet. Erica can see we get 20 pounds of sex toys delivered here a week. And I wanted to create a store that you could go to online safely and buy a toy that you know was tested and well made, well respected, good for your body. And so they're all curated on my new shop site at sex with only got caught. That's such a good thing to spice it up in the new year. If you don't know what to try, get a sex toy. It helps with intimacy with yourself, with your partner.
Starting point is 00:22:11 It helps you feel definitely discover all those are rodent as zones. But people have to remember that when you do get over that hump of, is my partner gonna think this is weird? When couples try sex toys together, it enhances their intimacy. It's something new together. Think of like a three someone night, but there's a toy, like way less risk of STDs, STIs,
Starting point is 00:22:30 and a lot more fun, not more ways to play. Totally. There you go. I have a prediction, ready? That will be back after a quick break for our sponsors who support the show. But before that, I have to tell you a bit more about Viahem Company, which Robert, our lovely listener said he and his partner loved so much.
Starting point is 00:22:47 Robert's joining the Viahem Company fan club. Yes. We love it. In fact, we just did our holiday party. And I wanted everyone to try Viahem Company because it really has changed my life this year. Cannabis, as you all know, can help you feel more present and in your body during sex, less in your head.
Starting point is 00:23:02 I am a huge fan of using cannabis to help get you in your body, help you feel more relaxed during sex, and we've been partnering with Viahem Company most of this year, and I'm obsessed with all their gummies, because now they have a ray of gummies, so I first started telling all the listeners about the THC libido gummies. They're fantastic. I'm so good. Yeah, they're so good. They're made with THC CBD, Afro-Djac herbs. They all work together to wake in your senses, increase blood flow, ignite pleasure. It just makes every experience a little more magical, a little more heightened.
Starting point is 00:23:32 It helps you feel more relaxed. Maybe you had a bad experience in the past where you took too many or you had a huge edible and it was too much, we smoked too much, we've all been there. But I love when they are common, the doses that are very, very specific. It's like two milligrams. But I might not mean anything to you at all,
Starting point is 00:23:48 but when you look at these edibles, they're very specific about the dose. I love taking like a mini nibble too, just having a little microdose. You can use Vi-Hum company however you want. You know, and I like instead of drinking, I'm not a drinker, but I like having a little nibble. And I love when they come in those little packs that you can travel with. They call it very easily. Two packs, which people get as a bonus if they use your code? but I like having a little nibble. And I love that they come in those little packs that you can travel with.
Starting point is 00:24:05 They call it very easily. So the two packs, which people get as a bonus if they use your code? They just throw it in there. I love them. They just throw it in there. You guys, they're gonna give you samples. They're gonna treat you right.
Starting point is 00:24:18 And I love their sleep gummies. So spice up your love life with Viahemp companies. I love THC libido gummies. Visit use code Emily and get 15% off your order. You must be in the United States to order. That's via use the code Emily at checkout and they're going to throw it a free sample of their award winning gummies. That's some nice. All right everyone we'll be right back. If you care about the state of the world and want to set it on a better course, we have a solution that may be somewhat surprising.
Starting point is 00:24:54 Work in finance. At CFA Institute, our programs and courses are deeply rooted in ethical perspective, but we don't just teach. We create codes of conduct and impact key policy issues with global governments and regulators. To join a global network of investment professionals, visit slash set the standard today. So, I want you all to have the very best sex of your life in 2024. So here are some resolutions I'd love you to think about and then to make.
Starting point is 00:25:36 I've got a day or two to make it and I believe that in January you can still make your resolutions. Here you go. Number one, prioritize your mental and sexual health once and for all. It is time we see that it's trending. People are more open talking about mental health. Doesn't mean you're crazy.
Starting point is 00:25:53 Doesn't mean anything's wrong with you. It means that when we prioritize both our mental and our sexual health, it's going to impact every other area of our life. Health is a second pillar of sexual intelligence as I wrote about in my book Smart Sex this year. Now there was a study that showed that 36% of people's top priority in 2024 is to improve their mental health. Finally, I'm so glad we're here. Even we had to go through the pandemic to make mental health less demonetized, I'm down for this because people are going to see
Starting point is 00:26:22 that it's going to help them be better communicators, better lovers, better partners, better bosses, better everything. And research also shows that physical fitness may have a positive impact on one's mental health. So they're all related, want to be well in our bodies, be well in our minds. Exercise can also improve blood circulation, which can improve sexual performance and heightened orgasms. So why not do a little lap around the block before you come over? I really, I mean, tell you guys, it is all about blood flow. Like if you get into the biology of it, this is, this is what's important. So move your body, have more orgasms, have more pleasure, really.
Starting point is 00:26:59 The sexual wellness market is definitely expanding. And as I wrote about in Smart Sex, it's really important to develop a holistic view of your sex life while I will sit here and give you tips and tricks and the right toys. By holistic, I mean it is about your emotional, your physical, your spiritual, your social, the way you communicate, your wellbeing, your whole human is important.
Starting point is 00:27:20 And it's part of having a healthy sex life overall. It's mental, emotional, physical, well-being, it all matters. So make this the year that you work on all of them. If you've always been a big gym person and you're always working out, I think that's fantastic. Keep doing that. But can you add in another practice, a practice of introspection, maybe seeing a therapist,
Starting point is 00:27:38 a counselor, doing some more work, going a little bit more inward? That would be a great resolution. Resolution number two. Sched schedule and prioritize pleasure more. Just do it. Look at your calendar and say, what am I doing this week? That's for me. That's not about my partner, my work, my family, my kids, my friends. If you look at your schedule and you say, okay, I'm going to plan a day to go hiking. I'm going to go pick flowers. I'm going to be in nature. I'm going to cook. Whatever it is that feels good to you. I promise that pleasure gets pleasure. And the more you do things in your life that
Starting point is 00:28:12 make you feel good, the more you're going to cultivate that in other areas of your life and scheduling sex. Let's just schedule your sex life already. If you are not having sex, scheduling sex, contrary to what you're thinking can be hot. You know what's gonna happen on a Tuesday? You don't have to worry about it every other day of the week. You know what's funny is thinking about like in casual sex scenarios.
Starting point is 00:28:34 If you know like, oh, I'm gonna see this partner on this night, that's basically scheduling sex. So why can't we just do that? And people get excited for those contexts, like I get excited. Oh my God, I know this night, I'm gonna see this person. Just do that with your partner.
Starting point is 00:28:49 Do that with your partner exactly. And that's what happens when we move in together and we're at home, there's not the space to create that excitement that happens when you're dating someone. Like you shave before you play music, like it's this whole ritual. It's like, well, you can't do that
Starting point is 00:29:05 if it's entirely spontaneous. So if it's planned, you get to give yourself that ritual. I'd take go back to like dating your partner that no matter what stage of the relationship we do. You know, when it's date night, you are going to have sex. You gotta prioritize what is important, guys. A study this year found that 36% of couples are scheduling sex.
Starting point is 00:29:23 That's a lot higher than I thought. Me too. Turn your bar to say, let's make it happen tonight or time that feels good to both of us. Mm-hmm. Especially in this hustle culture, I feel like we're all living in. It's so important to slow down. Yeah, slow down. And say, like, I think our sex life's important. Don't you or realize we haven't had as much sex as we want this year?
Starting point is 00:29:43 What night feels good to both of us? Seems like we always end up going on Saturday night. If we have to have sex before dinner because we go out in date night, we drink, or we're out late, we don't feel like it, then just do before dinner. Oh my gosh, then you're good. So didn't you have a nice little glow?
Starting point is 00:29:54 Exactly. Just make sure you fit in everyone again. We all get to decide what time of day is right, what day is right, what we want to happen during that time, and then we get to reverse engineer, we get to think of what are all the things that need to happen for this sex to happen, and it just makes it a lot more hotter.
Starting point is 00:30:10 It's a lot less stressful in relationships when you know that you both prioritize it. Resolution three, have a quarterly sexual state of the union. This is such an important part of a relationship. You know that I'm always talking about, talking about sex, which is great. But if you have a ritualized time set aside for sex, not when it's in crisis, not when you're having a problem,
Starting point is 00:30:36 but you talk about it once a month, you talk about what you want to try, you talk about what's been working, what hasn't. Maybe there's some new desires or fantasies. Just ways to find out that you could become a better lover to each other. You could ask questions like, what's your favorite memory of sex we've had as a couple?
Starting point is 00:30:53 What would you like to see more of in our sex life? Things like that. Those are great questions. And you're so right that if you know you're gonna have it four times a year, one-se quarter, it doesn't have to come up when there's only problems in the sex life. It's just like, oh, let's talk about it.
Starting point is 00:31:10 Oh, and then you're kind of like hard to have a glass of wine. It's fun to go. This is our state of the union. This is a fun thing to do. This is for both of us to feel more connected to know that we're on the right track. And if couples start this now and they commit,
Starting point is 00:31:22 they're gonna do it whatever. Once a month, four times a year, I'm open. But as long as you both are accountable to each other for your sex lives, then you get out of the blaming, one person's fault, someone doesn't want it, someone wants it all the time, because you actually have a place to go and talk about it.
Starting point is 00:31:35 I mean, just like it work, right? You employ your reviews. I mean, you have weekly meetings to help some things up or to help see where we're moving forward. I don't know why we don't naturally do this. Like if we want our relationship, which is the most important thing in our lives, it's where we get our source of love, our source of support, you know, commitment. It's our family. Why don't families have meetings? Oh my gosh. That would be a game changing. Yeah. Yeah. I think we have meetings, you're like, you need to do your chores, but meetings about like how
Starting point is 00:32:02 you're feeling and how somebody made you feel that you could resolve conflicts and then you won't be in therapy and you're 20 or 30s talking about it. I love that. Yeah, free therapy for your sex. The sex meetings should be separate from the kids, but talk about things people. And since we all know that people are going towards wanting more emotional intimacy and emotional connections, start it home. What have some sexual states that the unions looks like for you?
Starting point is 00:32:26 Like, I feel like sometimes that phrase, people still might be caught up about it. Like, what has sexual state of the union? Like, what does that look like for you? And when does it happen? When, oh, it happens, usually more casually because I'm not a huge planner, but when we're on a date night,
Starting point is 00:32:39 we are having glass of wine, we're hanging out. I'll just say, and it's funny because I know my partner also listens to the show. He brings it up even more than I do. He's like, let's talk about our sex life this year. What could we be doing? Should we go to this party or what could we try? You've got those sex toys that we haven't tried yet.
Starting point is 00:32:55 What could we do that would be really fun this year? And then we start thinking about trips we can plan and where we can go, where we can enact some of these scenarios. And then he'll bring up things and I thought, oh yeah, that was fun. Why don't we do that again? We should try that. Where is that toy or where is that sexy thing that I wore?
Starting point is 00:33:11 Because we go over with our lives, we get so busy. And so there's two of you that are having a, hopefully a really pleasurable experience together, sharing sex. If you think about, we never talk about sex really. We have the sex and maybe I think something was hot or he thinks something is happening. We never talk about it. but now we have a place to come together and say that was really great. How can we make that better? What else should we do and try and what can we talk about? What do you need more of? What do you need less of? And that's what I was able to say at
Starting point is 00:33:37 one point too. Like I'm not going to be able to have sex past 11 o'clock on a weeknight. I mean I'm tired. I get better earlier. And so even just being able to say that, somebody that felt that was what he desired, it was just great. Like he's like, okay, so mad too. Yeah, great. I'm not even trying Tuesday. And then he's not left feeling,
Starting point is 00:33:54 oh, rejected. It's like, no, we already know. We already established this. We troubleshoot it. The last one, practice solo sex more. You knew I was gonna talk about this, right? Of course. But we are responsible
Starting point is 00:34:06 for our bodies, our pleasure, what makes us feel good, partners down a mine reader, they're not going to be able to figure out what makes us feel good. And I know that men tend to masturbate more often than women. I don't often have to remind people with a vault, with a penis to masturbate, but I'm talking about the kind that's more intentional exploring our bodies. Especially if you've never had an orgasm, and we hear from people still with me about ages who haven't had orgasms. And I always just want to say, this is top of mind, because I was literally at a party
Starting point is 00:34:34 there night when someone pulled me to science and my girlfriend's ever had an orgasm and I was doing this thing in the bathroom, like explaining it, and it's because we still don't masturbate. She had shame around it. And so I really think we can't stop talking about this until we realize that there shouldn't be any shame about it. How we do our best work, literally our best sex work starts with us.
Starting point is 00:34:53 What feels good to me? Where are my pleasure zones? How can I communicate to a partner and give myself an orgasm, which is good for our mental health? It's good for our nervous system. It calms us. It sparks our tone and endopathy. So practice solo sex more.
Starting point is 00:35:06 Make a resolution. And it's such a good time too to think about what turns you on where your fantasies are without the pressure of there being someone else there. It only equips you to show up better and more confident in sex situations with other people. Yeah. And it just feels really good for yourself.
Starting point is 00:35:20 It just feels really good. And then you can bring it into the bedroom too. I'm off for mutual solo sex. Oh yes. Do it together. I guess it wouldn't. It's feels really good. And then you can bring it into the bathroom too. I'm off for Mutual Solo Sex. Oh yes. Do it together. I guess it wouldn't be solo. Mutual masturbation. Just trying to rename masturbation.
Starting point is 00:35:31 Because masturbation is all the rough saying it. That is another resolution. What would be the name for Mutual Sex Solo Sex? Mutual Solo Sex and Excess. Okay guys, help me out with that one. I love you all. Thank you, Ericoff, for jumping in and being my great co-pilot on the show this year.
Starting point is 00:35:48 I so appreciate you all. You do. This has been so much fun. Of course. And I can't wait for more sex and more fun with all of you in the new year. So we will see you then. Happy holidays.
Starting point is 00:35:58 Happy holidays. Happy year. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday.
Starting point is 00:36:10 Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex.
Starting point is 00:36:40 That's 559-825-5739. Go to slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily Podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at If you care about the state of the world and want to set it on a better course, we have a solution that may be somewhat surprising. Work in finance. At CFA Institute, our programs and courses are deeply rooted in ethical perspective, but we don't just teach.
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