Sex With Emily - Healthy & Horny with Max Lugavere

Episode Date: June 23, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is joined by New York Times Best Selling author and host of The Genius Life podcast Max Lugavere to talk about his new book, Genius Foods, and how what you eat can affect your brain and your sex life. Emily and Max talk about how being healthy can improve your brain and your sex drive, what foods can help with restricted blood flow, and how couples who eat healthy together are more satisfied. Plus, they help listeners with mismatched libidos and how to keep anxiety out of the bedroom. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: We-Vibe, Adam & Eve, UVee, Womanizer. Follow Emily on social: @sexwithemily Follow Max on social: @maxlugavere Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm hosting New York Times bestselling author and host of the Genius Life podcast, Max Lugovier, to talk about his new book, Genius Foods, and how what you Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized, they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

The girls got a hair stand. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I'm off here. So, I'm gone. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithelm.com, check out the podcast. You can subscribe to the podcast.

That helps us so much and helps you because you'll never miss an episode. We do two weeks. And I love when you also subscribe to the newsletter because I gave good email and all social media is at sex with Emily Crossboard, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or even cool few asses questions that way if you keep them brief because we like brief. I'm really excited for my guest today. He's awesome and his name is Max Lugavir. But I want to say like Lugavir. Lugavir, right? And Max, I met at a party. Was that a party? What would you say? It was like a I would say it was a party. The salon. Yeah, it's sort of a... The smart people, but cool hit people, doing stuff.

Getting together, sharing ideas, things like that. So Max is one of the featured idea shares, and he wrote a book, and he has a new book out called Genius Foods, become smarter, happier, and more productive while protecting your brain for life New York Times bestseller. Congratulations. Thank you so much, Emily. And a new podcast. Yes, the genius life the genius life And yeah top rated health podcast and he's contributed to

Jesus everybody and now sexually thanly vice-fascampley CNN daily beast NBC nightly news the today show Dr. Oz, Rachel Ray, the Doctors. But I feel like I've reached the pinnacle being here. Well, it's kind of true. Do you feel like you're just gonna turn down all other requests from now on? Because you're like, once I did that, I'd never go back. Probably, probably.

I understand. Well, it's gonna be, it's gonna be a good way to go down. I'm just excited to get to talk about things other than avocados and blueberries. So you've been all I wanna talk about is avocados and blueberries. God damn it. No, we're going to swap here because you might be thinking I'm listening to a sex podcast.

How are we going to talk about this genius diet, genius foods and why is he here? Well, Max is a really smart guy and he wrote a book that actually we all read in the office because we get like a lot of even sex books and people on the show are like, I read part of it, but we all devoured his book because it's gluten free. So that's cool. No, we just we loved it because his book because it's gluten free. So that's cool. No, we just, we loved it because his book, I just think it's fascinating because I always talk about in the show how our brain is so different. Our brain is the largest sex organs, you know, because have you heard that?

Our brain is the largest sex organ. I buy by that. You probably all thought your penis or something, but no, it's your brain because that's where all the magic happens. That's where we have, you know, our thoughts can actually enhance our sex life and you know once we think, thinking things, thinking about sex, keeping it top of mind, but also our brain health. So I haven't talked about this much on the show and I think there's a lot of new information out there, how about what you eat actually can impact your mental state. Absolutely. How did we not know this before?

I mean, you know, 90 percent, the brain is this mysterious organ, right? We know more about outer space than we know about our own brains. And that's because the brain has been thought for a long time to be sort of held in isolation in the emerald city of the skull, basically separated from what goes on down below in the rest of the body. But we now know that the brain is incredibly responsive to the inputs that we give it by

way of the foods that we're eating, light exposure, exercise, sleep, things like that. And so it's this really new and rapidly evolving field of science. You know, it's advancing thanks to scanning technologies, thanks to really good research that's coming out that takes a long time to do. So you know, we're very much at the tip of the iceberg in terms of understanding the full myriad of ways that our diets and our lifestyles affect how our brains work, moment to moment, and certainly when it comes to long-term health. But we know enough that I argue we don't need to sit on our hands.

We can be proactive about our brain health and our brain function. And this to me is so critically important when you consider that. Today, if you make it to the age of 85, you have a one in two chance of being diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. And that's terrible. And then even before that, you know, one in seven younger people complain of memory problems. So, this is just like at all ends of the age spectrum, our brains are suffering. And you know, it's a multifactorial problem, but ingenious foods, I really break it all

down. And I talk about the food supply, how our food supplies become so mangled and industrialized, how the fact that we're more sedentary than ever before, it's led to our brains basically crying out, essentially, for movement. They are, right. Yeah. Tell your story about how you got into this with your Alzheimer's. Yeah. Totally. So I mean, just you know, if you're listening, I'm a 36 year old guy. I'm not typically the kind of demographic that you normally see talking about Alzheimer's disease and dementia and things

like this. Most people consider them to be old people's conditions. But about seven years ago, I was in between jobs and my mother, who was 57 at the time, started to display very strange symptoms. She began complaining of brain fog and she was complaining about her memory not working the way that it should. And tandem with that, there was a change to her gate. So my mom was a very fast-walking, fast-talking New Yorker and New Yorkers, they walk everywhere and they walk fast.

And suddenly, my mom's normal, healthy stride shortened, essentially, to that. That was more sort of, seemed more like a shuffle, essentially. And I didn't have the vocabulary to identify what was going on with her, but I had the time to go with her to various doctors appointments. And when we couldn't find answers in one hospital, we would go to another. And ultimately, we started venturing out even beyond New York City, going to Johns Hopkins in Baltimore, Maryland, to ultimately the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio, all in search of answers. Why was my mom exhibiting such a severe degradation of her brain's processing

speed? Why was her movement seemingly affected? I mean, was it muscular? Was it cognitive? I mean, I had no idea. And ultimately, it was at the Cleveland Clinic that my mom was diagnosed for the first time with a neurodegenerative condition. Even then, it was unclear which he had but nonetheless she was prescribed drugs for both Alzheimer's disease and Parkinson's disease and I had again you know Alzheimer's disease I knew very little about it Parkinson's disease I think all I knew about it was that Michael J. Fox had it right but beyond that I was sure that was like our first yeah I was completely in the dark and when I had these prescriptions you you know, that I was sort of carrying from my mom and then we went to the hospital pharmacy to get them fulfilled,

I started googling, you know, the drugs and what they were really for. And that night, later on in the hotel, the more that I would Google, the more that I would read, the more my ignorance, and ultimately the fear seemed to close and around me. It was the first time in my life I'd ever had a panic attack. I wasn't sure if my mom was gonna die, what trajectory the disease that my mom had was gonna take,

whether or not the drugs were gonna do anything, whether or not the drugs were gonna give my mom any side effects. And so essentially what happened was I was in between jobs, I was previously a journalist. I had worked for Al Gore on current TV and I sort of had these media credentials that very few people have.

And I became unable to think about work really. And I decided to really just spend my time researching and reading what's called the primary literature, like the trials, the observational studies, really to try to understand what was going on with my mom and what could have influenced her risk for developing this condition? Because again, I had no prior family history of any kind of neurogeneralative disease. My mom was the first person in my family treat, to really have anything like Alzheimer's dementia, anything like that.

So I just went down the research rabbit hole, and ultimately I kind of came back to my media calling card, and I started reaching out to scientists and researchers around the globe, ultimately visiting many of the world's top research institutions that are really studying neuro-generative conditions, diet lifestyle interventions, and how they might sort of interrelate. And I mean, what I learned over the course of my research has really set the stage for writing genius foods and really is what motivates me every single day to continue to inform people

because there's so much misinformation out there. That's what I think too. I mean, that's such a great story because I mean, you got hanged, I mean, I've your mom's like, you're like linked in and you're like, how can I change this? How can I help her? Which is like such a loving, beautiful, like, impassioned story. And I don't, how is your mom doing now, by the way? I've changed your diet. Have we, has it been a, yeah, I mean, I wish I could say that I've, you know, reversed what she has, but I haven't. Nobody's ever recovered from Alzheimer's disease.

My mom doesn't have Alzheimer's. She has a more mysterious form of dementia that affects that accounts for 1% of dementia cases, but no, she's not doing well. Right. I guess I was just asked to kind of circle that to loop back around, but the thing that really hit me in your book, you had that when you were talking about getting sitting there with all the bottles I'm medicine the first day, and you're like, what does this mean? And I feel like we are all so over medicated that doctors, at least Western doctors are so easy to prescribe us something for, you know, everything we have like anxiety, blood pressure,

depression, just everyone's pretty much even birth control pills I have a hard time with. And we don't know what we're putting in our bodies. And then as a result, I hear people every day who are emailing the show or they call in and they're like, you know, I can't have an orgasm or I can't get hard. I'm like, well, you got any medications. Yeah, but I don't think it does anything like, no, it probably does. We don't realize what, you know, that we're taking so many, you know, obviously many people do need medications, but there's so much that we don't need to take. And even if you're not in a medication, there's just a lot we could do to combat other mental illnesses too, an anxiety, depression, heart disease. Just to get you on the track, you can't solve it, but it's certainly

going to make a huge difference. I didn't really understand all these links before, and I think a lot of people listening probably wouldn't either, and this might get them to be thinking about just other options that are changing your diets. And in a way that's not so, I mean, I guess it is kind of all the things we love, you're gonna have to take it out of your, you're gonna have to throw it away. I mean, not just, I think it's really fun to, you know, find ways of making healthy, you know, alternatives to the foods that we find most indulgent, you know, I mean, I do this pretty regularly. Eating healthy does not have to taste bland. You know, I mean, one of the things I talk about

in the book is the value of salt, for example. You know, salt is, it's sodium, sodium is a nutrient. We've been told that salt is sort of the other white powder that it's something to be avoided, but actually we need sodium for life. And one of the most important things about getting high quality salt into your diet is that it makes vegetables more palatable.

So it provides a- Exactly. We're gonna want to have the bad. So it provides a good one. Yeah. Exactly. I love everything here. Like this is all stuff that I eat and I got a lot of great ideas for like my salads every day and for eggs. I'm eating eggs now. I was eating eggs every morning, making smoothies, but now I'm like so into eggs.

So healthy. Because of you. Yeah. So thank you. Nature's multivitamin. It truly is. So I've learned a ton and it's not and the thing is that is that I feel like I got screwed by the food pyramid. I feel like this was also like that whole, like what was it like you had all those grains

before and it was just wrong, right? Like a lot of things that our government has told us we should do. And so I feel like there's just so much misinformation. And the other thing that I realized was if we don't have our mental health, we really don't have any, I know our health health, but for mental health and so many of us have, almost everyone I know is like anxiety, depression, some kind of something in the middle of that,

I don't know, it's pretty much it everyone has anxiety. So it just could help you kind of avoid that and you don't have to take a medication and we all know that exercise is important too. But I feel like if you have a healthier diet and you exercise more, you're going to want sex more, you're gonna feel sexier in your body, you're going to just have more stamina.

It truly changes everything. And I know even when I'm not in a healthy place, I'm not working out or I'm not eating great foods, I feel worse. It does have an impact on it. And so I just think that these are like, and when couples play together, the couples cook together, they exercise together,

they actually have, it's actually more effective. So I know that you got really into this, we're gonna get to an article about that in a minute. But I know that you had like, you're the scare of your mom's, you know, illness to kind of get into it. And I'm wondering like, because I want everyone to be healthy, right? And again, I have cookies, I have sweets,

I do things I'm not perfect, because if you run that line of being like a monk about this, you're going to fail. Well, here's a thing, just like how do we get people to, because I think your book, like I said, I'm so into your book and we all, the genius foods and it's really, I'm amazed when things really actually stick with me. So thank you. Well, thank you, wow. But I want that for everybody because I feel like a lot of what could be, you know, sex is stress is one of the biggest killers of our sex drives.

Yeah. Yeah. Sex anxiety stress. So, this... Well, stress is a huge killer of the sex drive, but also at the end of the day, I mean, I think food when it comes to... And I like... When it comes to sex is super important.

Like, when you're healthy, you're horny, okay? Right. I mean, seriously, like, nature doesn't want to... Healthy and horny could be the title of the show. I'm just gonna call it now. There you go. Oh, okay. Yeah.

We have fun, fun with names, yeah. I mean, I talk about foods in the book that are actually gonna improve blood flow to the brain, but those same foods are gonna improve blood flow to your nether regions. To your penis, right? Doesn't end your, in your vulva, your footers.

And the analogous, you know, organs in the, in the female anatomy as well. It absolutely does, right? So this is, we're talking about blood flow and so much of the problem with sex, why you're not getting turned on and aroused is because of your, your restricting blood flow, your diet, do not exercise. Yeah, and by the way, reduced blood flow, erectile dysfunction is one of the earliest signs

of heart disease. That's exactly. Yeah. I mean, so you really want to get a handle on this and just to, you know, leave some foods for the audience who you're listening. Yeah, yeah. You could eat like foods like beets and arugula, which are the top sources of dietary nitrate. Seriously, boost levels of nitric oxide, which enhance vasodilation.

Yeah. Okay. One single meal, actually. One meal. One high nitrate meal actually can improve a blood flow to the brain, which is incredible. And also watermelon, and the brain up top and the brain down below as well. Have you noticed a difference? Since when did you get start changing your diet around seven years ago or?

Um, I've, I've always been very health conscious, but I was health conscious in accordance with like, I was health conscious like on the surface level, like I did what they told me to do. Like I ate the food pyramid recommended, you know, recommended six to 11 servings of grains per day. Yeah, yeah. And It's no secret. I talk about this in the book, my energy levels were like a roller coaster all throughout the day.

I was starving in between meals. Every day I felt like I would need a nap. This is because when we're eating foods that are very high in refined carbohydrates, which are what typify the standard American diet, it basically sends our blood sugar. It's like a rollercoaster essentially, and we have periods of being hyperglycemic, periods of being hypoglycemic, and it's just a really uncomfortable state to be in.

So, once I cleaned up my diet, and I really started building my diets around foods that were high in nitrates, like beets, dark leafy greens, you know, micronutrients, like magnesium, folate, iodine, things like that. My energy level subsided, and I just, you know, micronutrients like magnesium, folate, iodine, things like that. My energy level's subsided and I just, you know, I've never... And you crave it, right?

Because then you're like, why would you go back? Why would you kind of make this? Yeah, because it's good nutrition. I mean, you know, it's sort of like you, I guess like an evolutionary switch gets flipped where it's like your body knows what's good for you. There's this, you know, wisdom of the body honed by millions of years of evolution.

I think too frequently the signal gets lost in the noise of modern life and the cravings and the poor sleep and all that stuff. But if we just are able to better tap in, you know, that's not something that a smartphone is going to be able to tell you. We literally just need to learn how to better tap into our bodies. Right. And they'll tell us what we need. They do tell us what we need.

You're so right. Yeah. And we can still do dark chocolate, which I like. Yes. That's a genius food. It's genius food. You're right. Blue, blow, blow, blow.

Blood flow, all of that. But not a lot of fruit, right? I'm not big on the high sugar fruits, like tropical fruits. Like I'm not a big banana eater. I know we're talking about like no more bananas. I'm so sad, but I get it. Yeah. It's just like, you know, these fruits are cultivated to contain more

starch and sugar than ever before in human history. They're flown to our supermarkets 365 days a year from various, you know, tropical climbs and, you know, from an evolutionary perspective, fruit was available for the majority of our evolution seasonally. And also, they looked a lot different than they do today. So it's an onslaught of sugar into the system. And it really disrupts what's called homeostasis. Like at any given moment, your entire blood volume has about one teaspoon of sugar in circulation.

The minute you drink a glass of orange juice or eat a banana, you're basically putting three to four to five to six teaspoons of sugar straight into that system. And your body's got to play clean up. There's essentially garbage man in the system. It's true. Yeah, that have to come out and get rid of that sugar because otherwise sugar is toxic. It damages proteins that it comes into contact with.

And it's just not a good roller coaster to be on. So I think it's a better idea to build your diet around low sugar fruits, avocado, blueberries, strawberries, bell peppers, tomatoes, things like that. That's an easy idea to build your diet around low sugar fruits of a cato, blueberries, strawberries, bell peppers, tomatoes, things like that. That's an easy way to start. So let's read this article here because I think this is going to help with a few things for people going, well, what do we do? How do I change it?

So there was a study that came out. Couples we'd healthy together, stay together. I like that. I know. If you've ever tried to make changes to your diet, you know how much more difficult it is when your partner isn't on board. To find out how dating affects dieting vice versa, they surveyed people about their diets, about which diets led to the most relationship strain and how many fouled in their significant

others dieting footsteps. Overall, couples who didn't diet together were found to be less satisfied in the relationship than those who did. 95% of respondents who are conscious of their diet are also in a relationship with someone in the same boat and 60% of those who currently diet change or eating habits to match their partners. And so it showed that they had more relationship satisfaction based on the diet type.

So tell me what you think of this. Couples who ranked highest include vegetarians and those who fell to a Mediterranean diet. I like that. Really? Perhaps the fact that both diets emphasize fruits, veggies, and unprocessed grains contributes a better overall mood include vegetarians and those who fell to Mediterranean diet. I like that. Really? Perhaps the fact that both diets emphasize fruits, veggies, and unprocessed grains contribute to better overall mood between partners.

Additionally, couples who weren't dieting should be happier than those who didn't share the same dieting goals, because they don't know what their ignorance is bliss. They aren't dieting. It's not even dieting. I hate the word diet. I use diet earlier. It's changing your lifestyle. It's a diet with such a negative connotation.

But it doesn't surprise me at all that couples that eat healthy. Tell me what, yeah. Yeah. So I mean, like we can look at cognitive domains, like executive function, which include impulse control, the ability to delay gratification, and even altruism.

These are all aspects of what are called executive function. And executive function is something that is fairly mediated to a significant degree by the kinds of foods that we're eating. So I talk about this in the book. An executive function is something that is fairly mediated to a significant degree by the kinds of foods that we're eating. So I talk about this in the book. Like executive function is so intrinsically related to our success as people in so many aspects of our life.

And when we're consuming more omega-3s like from wild salmon, fatty fish, grass-fed beef, pasture raised, or omega-3 enriched eggs, we're getting more omega-3s. On the other hand, when we consume more omega-6 containing foods and throw that balance out of whack, and omega-6s come from grain and seed oils that the modern diet has currently saturated in corn oil, canola oil, soybean oil, it basically affects our executive function in a negative way. When you're in a relationship, you want to be altruistic, you want to be selfless and compromised and be able to delay gratification

and control your impulses, right? And not be so reactive when you're in the throws of an argument, for example, and these all rely on executive function. And executive function is something that science shows improves when we're able to improve our diets and embrace a healthier lifestyle, including exercise. So one study that I cite in genius foods

is the finger study where they took a large group about 1200 older adults, all of whom had at least one risk factor for developing cognitive decline. And by adhering to a healthier diet and exercising more and engaging socially, they were able to achieve an 83% improvement in their executive function. Wow. Yeah. That's what I'm exactly the executive for challenge functions. I am. No, it's always been a thing.

I feel like when I started and it's better now, when I'm the healthier I am and the more I'm exercising and all that helps. But I feel like I blamed it on the whole 90s low fat thing that was so wrong when it started and then I got off it, don't eat fats and no meats and it was grains, it was stupid. But I can see that when I'm healthy and healthier when I'm eating so much impulse control, decision-making, planning.

I think the packing forification. You got to embrace fat. When I say fat, I don't mean all fats. I think extra virgin olive oil is the chief fat that I recommend really going to town with using it as a sauce. You could even cook with it at low to medium heat. It's like the sexiest oil that's out there. It is.

It's anti-inflammatory. It's really good for your blood vessels. Going back to that blood flow. You know you need that blood flow. This is the thing. I just want people to be inspired because if they don't know where to start with current diets today or how to make a difference, like an easy little tweak you could do, like just the recipes in here, couples can do it together.

And I would say like, if your relationship's gone to the place where you guys are challenged or you're bored or you're just too many Netflix in a row, I think cooking together and changing your lifestyle together is such a great way to enhance intimacy, to kind of track it to get just more fun to part of it. You want to be in the kind of relationship where you can eat kimchi together. Yes. Every kimchi looks so garlicy.

It's gonna ruin your breath. Right, exactly. But if you're in a relate, but it's so good for you, I mean, for every organ, I mean your sex organ, it's like, it's super good. Yeah, and like everything tastes and just, you guys, this is important. I think that if people start making just little tweaks

their diet and exercise all that, their sex life will improve. And I wanted to hear, and this has been so great, and we're gonna answer some emails in a second. Like I said, I find a lot of my answers to people when they're calling about a lot of things is, like I said, diet, exercise, eat healthier, and I'm never, I haven't been able to really give them,

get into it specifically. I think it is a great place to start. What would be like the first step you think? If someone, they could check out your book, go to your website, or they could get up the buy the book first, can you share anything like a first change? You will come back. Obviously on bias, but genius foods is a small investment.

I mean, you can go to Amazon and get it for $16. It's gonna repay you in spades. I mean, it's gonna improve your long-term health, but I mean, in media terms, it's really all about improving your quality of life today, getting your executive function working as well as it should, improving your mood, happiness, you know, more of that, less anxiety, less depression. It's really the only book that brings two worlds together under one roof, dementia, prevention, and what's called nutritional psychiatry. So how nutrition can actually improve your mood, the way that your brain works, attention,

things like this. Anything that falls under the domain of psychiatry, research is now beginning to show that nutrition has an impact. They're just, that's a thing. They're just beginning to show this, which is like, I always thought it was amazing that it wasn't even mentioned before. It was like, take a pill, it's separate, like you said, it's a separate silo, but really it makes so much sense

and it's just now yeah well nutrition's hearts to study it's really difficult to study it's also really hard to fund and so i mean there are reasons for the fact that it's a certain industry is who would like not to see it would want to study exactly like antidepressants are you know one in ten adults is on some kind of antidepressant drug and women you know one in four women between the in the in their 40s and 50s are on antidepressant drug, and women, you know, one in four women in their 40s and 50s are on antidepressant drugs. But is that fight because it's hormones? I think it's probably hormonal challenges more than going, that's the thing doctors are

so quick to prescribe an antidepressant, and they don't kick it off of them. I'm not against all drugs, but, you know, these antidepressant drugs become more efficacious, the more severe the depression is. So somebody with like severe depression is probably according to the latest research benefiting from those drugs. But I mean, we all know that they're overprescribed and people with mild to moderate depression are on them.

And in some of those cases, it's probable that those drugs are not gonna be any more effective than placebo. And in fact, the latest research suggests that physical exercise resistance training are just as if not more effective than placebo. And in fact, the latest research suggests that physical exercise resistance training are just as if not more effective and with no negative side effects. Exactly.

That's what I love about this too. I'm nutritional psychiatry. Yeah, I love it. Okay, Max, thank you for being here. This is awesome and inspiring. So you guys, you can find Max at max LUGAV-RE, Lugavere, and it's also at max, Lugavere, Facebook, all of that Twitter,

this will all be on our show notes. Instagram, oh yeah, Instagram, Twitter, all those things. I love your Instagram. I like to save them in my Instagrams. I save them to look at what I can and really into it. We're excited. We're gonna give a shout out to our sponsors and we'll be right back to answering emails.

[♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ We're back with Max! I'm back with Max and Max, we're gonna help the people here. I love one that email me, the Ask Questions. I'm all about it. I think you're gonna have some great insights. Let's help the people. I just know it, I feel it. Okay, I love answering your questions. It's

why I exist on the planet. You can text Ask Emily to all one more to 7979-7979 and felt the short form. Go to section at mme.com, click on the Ask Emily page. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. All right. This is from Julie 25 in Canada. Hi, Emily, I've been listening to your podcast for about three weeks now and I'm absolutely loving it. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost six years. We have a four year old and our sex life has been completely disappeared. We have sex and be one hundred times a month and it's killing me.

I don't know what to do to relight the spark we once had. He seems to have no interest in it at all because we both gained a little weight, 20 to 30 pounds, since we've been together. I don't know what to do. And advice would be greatly appreciated. Love that Max is here because you can help. But Julie, first let me just say that I love that you emailed this question because I think a lot of people could relate to the fact that when you gain a few pounds and you're both kind of, you have a new baby four year four-year-old, not that new, but you still have a baby. It changes your life and especially having new weight,

having gained weight, it impacts everything. Your mood goes down, wanting to connect, you don't feel sexy in your body. So yeah, it's a huge impact on your relationship. I want to jumpstart this, and I want to get you guys on a track together. There are a couple, they both want to lose the weight. I think working out together is super helpful.

Like it's summer, going on walks, eating healthier together. People we just said people eat healthier have stronger relationships. So. I mean, yeah, get to the gym, do some weightlifting, resistance training. I mean, it's going to boost your mood. It's going to make you look better naked. It's going to, I mean, yeah. Which your favorite sexy recipe then couples could cook today?

You have some good ones in here. Well, it would be fun if you were like with someone. What's your favorite sexy recipe that couples could cook today? You have some good ones in here. Well, it'd be fun. If you were like, I was someone, what do you love? I think like, I mean, I'm, it's pretty well known that I'm an omnivore, so I consider, you know, meat to be kind of like a sexy. Can we talk about this for a second? The fact that all this stuff we've been told about meat,

is that meat is, and I know there's still like bad meats. They're not grass-fed. It's a huge umbrella term, the word meat. There's one of the spectrum really unhealthy meat at the other end of the spectrum really healthy meat. Grass fed, organic red meat, I think is super, super healthy. But if it's not grass fed, is it better to eat, do you ever think it was, would you rather,

what if you would you rather eat, or was it better to eat like non-grass fed meat than say like a bowl of rice or a bowl of rice and grass fed meat, then say like a bowl of rice, or a bowl of rice and grass fed meat, obviously, and a bowl of rice. But you know what I'm saying? How do you decide? Yeah, is it better to eat?

Like is it more detrimental? That's the wrong way to put it. I would, the only instances where I would eat grain fed beef is if I'm like with friends in a mountain like a really top tier steak restaurant or something like that that where I just know it's not gonna be grass fed, but generally speaking, it's better to not eat it

if it's a grass fed because I mean, I think from a, that's where like ethics, I think, you know, partly come into play in the fact that you really have the power to vote with your wallet, and I don't like to support the factory farming system. I think it's a deplorable, you know, they treat animals terribly, and I do care very much about animal welfare.

I also care about my own welfare. And so when it comes to meat, I would say quality is king. You really want to go for grass fed. It's rich in micronutrients that make you feel good, like zinc, for example, which can boost testosterone. Iodine, fat soluble antioxidants that are gonna protect your blood vessels.

Really important stuff. There's something really carnal to me about cooking together. I think so too, and sexy. So I think that you guys could start with, I mean, I think you should also talk to him, Julie, because I feel like, again, it's summer, you guys can start, go out, start walking the 10,000 steps.

I know that I have friends who like, they compete on their Fitbit. So like, are we gonna get to the 10,000 steps? It's like, anything friends who like they compete on their Fitbit, it's like, are we gonna get to the 10,000 step? It's like anything at a time you bring a new activity, a new competition that can help. But as far as your sex life goes, when this happens to couples, it happens,

you know that you're not alone, Julie, if you've been listening to this show, there are a lot of couples, and weight gain or not, baby or not, they're going to go through a period, and their relationship, more than once, where things are gonna just, you're not gonna feel connected,

the intimacy is gonna go out the window. But when this happens, rather than attaching yourself to this image about how your sex life was when you first met, it was amazing, and the honeymoon phase, that's past. Like, you never get back to the first time you've done anything. But what you have now is like a solid, you know, your parents together, you've been together six years, I want you to work on discovering something a new part of your intimacy in your sex life. And maybe you guys take sex off the table. You just like, you have like a week

where you're like just doing all the stuff you did at the beginning, like you're making out. They're massage, foreplay, you're bringing back kissing, you're playing some games together. I love sex games. Like we have some really cool sex games. So we write the blog about it on the website or we have a new story we did about the fun.

Like, board games, yeah, managa me. Like, there's these fun games, and I'm telling you, couples who cook together, work out together and play together, stay together. These are new, because what happens is when you get into a routine and you get dull and you're like, oh, really, this is still my partner. You do one thing that's different.

It can be just one thing, like tonight, let's play this game. And not only have they fun games, but you learn something new, what you both want in bed. So just kind of to take the pressure off that it has to go back to some way, let's put that in the past and rediscover each other's bodies again. And I love a little massage, you know,

without the goal of orgasm. Does that sound fun? Yeah, that's amazing. Okay, so we've got this is from Thank You Julie. Let us know how it goes and max two, I'll let you know. Okay, this is from Carly 26th, New York how it goes, and Max too, I'll let you know. Okay, this is from Carly 26th, New York. My boyfriend I've been dating for over three years.

When we first started dating, the chemistry was great. We had sex frequently, multiple times a week. Fast forward now, we are two years out of college, and things are way different. We have sex once or twice a month, and neither of us are ever really in the mood. Our relationship was great, otherwise we're still very close in love, but the sex isn't there. I'm having difficult time with this because I'm really in the mood. He's really in the mood, and I feel like shit,

when I look back on the month and realize you're only at sex once, sounds very similar to Julie. In the sense of, yeah, this is what happens. I've discussed it with him and he says he still loves me, plays age, work, being tired, blah, blah, blah, I feel stuck. Please help.

I feel so stuck and helpless in my relationship with bust, Is it me? Thanks in advance. Oh, man, they're so young. Well, this is the two years of college. Well, here this all the time. It doesn't matter. You could be together. You could be 18. You get over two years. Every relationship goes to this period where we're all super disappointed because it's not as great as it was in the beginning, which is a biological paradigm when you construct that you the honeymoon phase of a relationship is truly your home, your serotonin, the dopamine, that newness is exciting and then you're like, it's going to flatline. But other things become better over time, as the relationship transitions from compassionate

to companion unit. It can. But after a while, you're like, if you just are best friends and you never have sex, you might as well be roommates because you miss the sex. So yes, there's some amazing things that come from having a long-term partner, but once you put sex on the back burner and we say we're gonna get back to that,

it's really hard to get back to it. So my whole thing is that you have to keep sex a priority. Hopefully at the very beginning, like the first time you have sex with someone is a time that you should start talking about it. Like people think, oh, I should wait. Or no, talk about it. Like what turned you on?

What did you like about it, you know? But since this hasn't happened here, and this hasn't happened with a lot of people, I would say that you guys probably are both really, the 20s are busy, you're working, you're establishing yourselves. I just think that it sounds like sex is just absent and it's not great for your relationship.

So I kind of give you the same advice I gave, Julie, is to just start talking about sex. I feel like you guys aren't even really talking about it. You guys are both in the same place, which is kind of a good thing then, because you're both not in the mood. You're only having sex once a month, and they come to accept it. People come to accept complacency, and they think this is just normal that we're having sex, but we still love each other, and we like the same Netflix shows, and you know, everything's great when it's really, this is something that you have to put

an effort into. And so if it's absent, like I said, you do become roommates. So I'm curious if you, I don't want you to beat yourself up here either. I love that you're noticing it and recognizing that this is something that you want to bring back into your relationship. So I would say, I would actually the same advice I give Julie to kind of take it off the table and just say how can we reconnect? Because what happens is when we put all the pressure

on ourselves to actually be great or how it was, we forget like what it was like to make out and to touch again how it was at the beginning. So if you kind of do some of the things that you liked doing at the beginning or try something, you know, go on a vacation, vacation sex is amazing. It's like my two favorite words,

getting out of your, out of your rut, out of your same routine and trying something new. Yes. Right? Yeah, okay. You're not staring at the ceiling in your same place and thinking about the laundry.

And I also think that I'm just talking about it. So it sounds like he's not even willing to talk about it, but there's got to be a different way to link him into this. So I don't know if you guys, I, another big, one of my favorite things is mutual masturbation. So hopefully you're still masturbating. So I think when you're in a relationship, it's time to even step up your masturbation. Because a lot of you will think, well, I shouldn't masturbate or it's cheating. There's people who believe this. But when you're at it actually helps you

stay connected to yourself, self-love, all that stuff. But if you are, whether you aren't masturbating, do it together. Like, mutual masturbation is a really hot way. It's a two-fer. So you get to kind of learn what turns each other on because you might not even know. If you've never seen him masturbate and he hasn't seen you,

you might be like, oh, I didn't know he grabbed his balls. And I didn't know that she put two fingers inside of her. So you're learning, but it's also really hot. So just like little talking dirty, doing the bucket list, you each exchange three things that you want to try. It's like try one of those. Check one each off for a week. So it's like, it's a scheduled thing that you can do. And you're like, you're not like lost in this, like, who makes the first move? I don't want to. But you, you know, like Saturday night, I'm a huge fan of scheduling sex too. Like Saturday nights, our night, we're going to try that one thing.

You're going to time me up. We're going to use a toy. It'll be something different. So, that's when I recommend to you, Carly, all is not lost. Just start talking about it and start masturbating. Bring sex back to you. The more you masturbate, the more you want to. The more you have sex, the more you want to.

Take the gym. Here, here. Here, here, right? This is from Scott, 37 in Texas. Hey, Emily, I've been married for three years and I've trouble getting out of my own head during sex. As a guy, I worry about being in the moment and not staying focused. I've always been able to get an erection in climax, but I've got, as I've gotten older,

I feel I'm getting weaker. I don't want to have peaks sexually already. My wife and I are also at a point where we know the routine that works in the bedroom and don't really stray too far away from that. I've talked to my wife about this. We don't know how to mix up even though we're open to it. There are lots of books and interviews about how women can open up sexually. Do you have any recommendations for men sexually?

I want to be able to enjoy sex with my wife and not let's just take it over what advice you have. Okay Scott, that's a great question for men, actually, it's pretty much the same advice that I would give women. And that is since you're in a relationship, I think you guys, it's best you could do this together. I always say communication is a lubrication. And the more you guys start talking about the sex life that you are having, the better

sex you're going to have. I mean, what would you say I love that communication is lubrication? What would you say to people that feel kind of like awkward talking about sex? Maybe getting grow up and... Most people, so this is like my purpose on the planet because most people do not feel comfortable talking about sex. And so I give a lot of tools on the show about how to even just bring it up and that's like a huge, I feel like, yeah, because we have shame, we have trauma,

we're gonna be judged, our partners, I gotta like it so if we ask for it, to watch porn, or we ask for this crazy thing, and what if I'm a slut? And there's so many messages in our head, which is like, I'm not gonna talk about it, I'm just gonna silently suffer through really bad sex. So that is a great question.

And I think that the best thing to do is just to say outside the bedroom, I'll give you my talk, it's like not to talk about sex in the bedroom, like the worst time, because if you're in the bedroom, you're already like, you're connected and you have this, like you're in another state,

you know, your body's like, you're the hormones and the serotonin, all those feel good hormones. And then if you roll over and even orgasm, you're like, oh, that was amazing. And you're like, that sucked. Let me tell you why. Then you're like linking that to the sex and it's bad.

So it's like, when you're relaxed, maybe it's Sunday morning, having breakfast or you're like on a hike or a road trip when it's calm and you're in a good space. And you really just like, hey, babe, I love you. I love our sex life. I love being connected to you. And it's so important. I think that we need to start talking about it. And this is hard for me, too.

I know we've never talked about it. I'm not sure what to do, but I know that it's so important that we continue to stay connected. And you can even tell them how awkward and uncomfortable it is. And I'd like to prioritize our relationship and some things I've heard on the sax of the Emily is that we should just start talking about it. So you could start with, let's each name the hottest time

we had sax, like that we remember. Like what was the best night ever that we've had sex like Oh that time we're on the beach we're drinking a lot pinnacle out as it's like and the waiter almost walked into our room You're like oh are like walked up by and it was hot Oh, so maybe like a boy you're a thing, you know, it just gets a little nuggets of information So you can start to get like what turned you on and what gets you going? It's like a springboard. It is it is a springboard like doing the bucket list doing you know again like masturbating just just really just the one and here's the cool thing about

it. Is it once you start talking about sex and you start developing this language together, it actually becomes, it becomes really exciting and hot. It's like something you're both working on together because you're like, hopefully you're with someone who loves you and trusts you and is open to it and might take a, and might take a little bit to get there. But once you realize, like, wow, your partner wants to turn you on. You both want to feel great, but we get into this place where we just don't know how to get our own way. So that's how you talk about it, fast and just to kind of start.

Like, ripping the bandaid off and using a lot of iWords and that blaming words. And another great way is to compliment sandwich when you're like, if there's something specific, like why isn't there enough for a player something? You'd be like, babe, I love the sex that we've been having. I just keep thinking about how hot it was when we were making out a few weeks ago. And I think it would be so great if when you came home and said, like, you know, rushing through sex,

we were like, make out, you start kissing my neck more because that really, really turns me on. So I'm wondering if that's, you know, and I would love to do that together. That we had when we got it. Right. So the other thing that I'm going to say here to Scott is that he's talking about, you know, 37, he's older, but he's, you shouldn't, I don't think that it's, that you have to live with. First of all, your sex life has not peaked, okay? You're 37 years old, you're tired, I'm not sure about your routine, it could be diet,

it could be exercise, it could be a huge reason, a huge reason why you're 37 years old, you're tired, I'm not sure about your routine, it could be diet, it could be exercise, it could be a huge reason why you're having some challenges. But one of the best ways to say anchored during sex is to be mindful. So what do you mean by that? The easiest way I can explain it is to, if you find your mind wandering, which that is probably one of the top questions I get asked is like, I'm thinking about worrying about my size, I'm worried that I'm not hot enough. I'm worried. He's going to notice like eight and five pounds and she's thinking my dick is too small. In the moment, you're like, ah, the best thing to do is to focus is to breathe. First of all, breath is the most important thing.

So you literally are breathing down. You're not those shallow breaths, but like down into your pelvic floor, down into your like deep organs, your down into your nether regions, okay? But when you're while you're breathing, you want to focus on all the senses. So it helps to light a candle. So you can think, Oh, God, that's that vanilla candle I love to listen to music. So you're anchored into the sounds or maybe the sound of your partner's breath, you are looking into into each other's eyes. Eye contact is an amazing way to just kind of connect yourself into the moment. And you can't when you're really looking into your partner's eyes. Eye contact is an amazing way to just kind of connect yourself into the moment and you can't

when you're really looking into your partner's eyes and you guys don't I know it seems weird and creepy but even if you do it for a few minutes it will anchor you in a different place. Touch. What does it feel like to have your partner's your partner's skin underneath your fingers or how does it feel when they're inside you in that moment. So the second you kind of remember to loop back to everything that's happening in the room. You can't help be the present and be mindful in the moment and your brain can't be thinking about, you know, the laundry. And you anger that way. So that's my tip for you there, Scott.

Anything else, Max? I mean, I just, I love your advice earlier about technification. It made me think of one of my favorite authors, Alain de Bouton, who wrote a wonderful book called On Love and the Art of Travel. He basically argues that when we are spending too much time in our domicile, our homes, our furniture that we always see, it's almost like the furniture can't change, so it sort of convinces us that we can't change. Whereas when you go and you travel and you visit a novel land, stay in a hotel that you've never been in before, it's all new. So it actually allows you to be a different person.

You can almost like kind of like role play, not in the like extreme sense like you're gonna wear a costume, but like, yeah, but you could, you could be a different person. And it allows you to sort of see things, I think, from a different angle. You know, one of the things that he says, and that I agree with, is that, you know, travel is great because you get to see new lands and experience new sites, but it also allows you to see new parts of yourself. And if you're traveling with a significant other, you also get to see new parts of them

as well. And you might get really turned on by the part of them that you see for the first time. Exactly. It's so true. It snaps you back into that. When you haven't taken time off and taken time away, it's instantaneous. Even if you can go to a hotel room for the night or get a babysitter to come in and have your parents come watch the kids, I always tell parents especially, or any couple who's

been together. If you haven't taken that time, I don't want to hear excuses of money. You can go camping. It's just changing and getting out of your own way. I'll rediscover each other and yourselves? It untathers you from routine thoughts. And so I think that's one of the, one of the, what's a pattern that I'm hearing from all of these three people is that their, you know, routine really has gotten the best of them.

So I think rather than try to force routine thoughts when you're sort of stuck in your same environment, that can be really difficult. I think change the environment and your thoughts will follow. Such good advice. So true. You know what's interesting is that role play is actually a really easy, it's, um, people think that it's a whole thing. Like, I got to wear crazy costumes or I got to do something else.

I got to do something and be a different person, which you can't be. But last night, I was, um, at Bloomingdale's, right, for their closing, I had to run into Grapesland quickly and there was this lovely woman there, Lydia, and I was buying something. It was like 10 to 9, and they were closing. I'm like, I need this for my trip. And she's like, what do you do? I said, I'm going to speak. I'm going to Vermont this weekend and speak into conference about sex because you know what

you need to do. She goes, tell everybody how to spice up their sex life. They need to wear a wig. I'm like, what do you mean? She's like, they had some kind of accent that I'm doing now. She's like, I think you need to wear a wig. I'm like, what do you mean? She's like, they hit some kind of accent that I'm doing now. I just think, I think you have to wear a wig. I was married for 20 years,

and because then you're a different person. You literally take on a different persona. My husband would come home or we'd go on, and she was an even better yet, get a hotel room, because when they are wearing a mask or we're sitting over your eyes, because when you answer the door, you are a different person.

You feel different, you can act differently, and they see you different as well, and they get you. So, please, roleplay, I'm like, I talk about it all the time, Lydia, but I'm gonna give you a differently and they see you different as well. And they get you as you're like, please, role play. I'm like, I talk about it all the time, Lydia, but I'm going to give you a shout out because you're freaking right. Yeah. These are little tiny tweaks.

Get out of your own weight. Like, even if sex in the living room is different than the bedroom, but I love the identification. I love the idea of dressing up and doing just one thing different when you have sex. Super, super important. Thank you, Max. Everyone check out Max and all his things. It's going to be here.

Max Lugavir. Thank you to everyone for listening check out Max and all his things. It's going to be here, Max Lugavir. Thank you to everyone for listening. I love you all. And thanks to my amazing team, Ken, volunteer Sarah, producer Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexethamely.com. you