Sex With Emily - Hookups and Breakups

Episode Date: July 22, 2017

Even in the “hookup culture,” the stigma still remains when it comes to casual sex. On today’s show, Emily’s here to reframe the way we think about casual sex– whether you are all for it, hesitant, or it just isn’t your thing. How does one go about initiating casual sex? Are you trying to get your groove back after an STD diagnosis? Trying to cope with your partner's sexual fluidity? Emily gives insight on these not-so-easily-tackled conundrums and more to help you feel empowered and guilt-free, no matter what your situation is. Don’t miss it.  Thanks for supporting our sponsors who keep this show FREE: Magic Wand, Casper, System Jo, FT London    Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm helping you navigate your sex, dating, and relationship questions. Topics include, How to Get Your Groove Back in the Sex, Initiating Casual Sex, Tips for Dating a Bisexual Man, and the best tips to get over a really tough breakup. All this and more, thanks for listening. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized they call them in a fight on me. Hey, Emily. You got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, Emily? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so proud. Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithelm.com and have a good time there. Subscribe to the podcast, check out our blogs, check me out on social media. I'll check you out. We'll chat. It's all at sexwithelm.com. On Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat. I do it all. Come say hi. Thanks for subscribing. Thanks for checking us out. And also check out our newsletter. Subscribe to that and go shopping on the site because it's a good time. I'm excited I'm taking your calls today, but first I wanted to do a little sex in the news with you.

I want to know how you really feel about casual sex. I feel like casual sex now is like a precursor to everything else. In fact, there's a lot of people who say you know what? There's no other way. You just have to have casual sex. So you know if you actually want to get into a relationship with someone or people just want to sleep around and never want to commit, or maybe casual sex is just a temporary stop on the way to a relationship until you fall back into a casual sex pattern.

But no matter how you look at casual sex, it pretty much is everywhere now. And I feel like we get to make up our own rules about casual sex. People are coming to me and they're saying, hey, so do I wait three dates before I sleep with them? Or is it okay to sleep around? You know, is it normal just to be on, you know, trying to get the high score

on Tinder, but not really wanting a relationship? I mean, and again, you get to decide. And I want to kind of reframe the way that you think about casual sex. So I want you guys to make your own rules. A swear to God, there's no sex, please. I'm not going to come knocking at your door. So you might have been taught to feel guilty about casual sex. So I want you guys to make your own rules. Asword God, there's no sex, please. I'm not going to come knocking at your door. So you might have been taught to feel guilty about casual sex. You know, you might be like, I'm having so much fun matching with everybody on Bumble, but now I feel bad about it. And I feel shame. You know, a lot of women tell me, you know, I had a one-night

stand and in the morning, you just feel like really bad about yourself. And I think that, first of all, casual sex is not for everybody. And if you find yourself having casual sex and you repeatedly feel bad about it and you wake up you're like, ah, I want to keep doing it, but it's not getting better. Guess what, you don't have to. You're allowed to get to know someone a little better.

Go out in a few dates, hang out with them, and you're even allowed to change your mind and decide you know what, I don't want to have sex right now. But all this like, you know, you should feel guilty or bad, like there's something wrong, there's nobody else who is looking at you and casting judgment. Just rock your casual sex with confidence, you guys, because I feel like if you're going to do it, so maybe you're like, no, I can handle it, I like it, I enjoy it, just sometimes I feel guilty. Well guess what, you get to choose. You can decide that you know what?

I'm actually gonna have casual sex. I'm gonna take what I want. I'm gonna be a good lover. I'm going to ask for the things that I need in bed. I'm gonna be respectful. I'm not gonna go, I'm gonna be honest. I'm gonna communicate. I'm gonna let them know where I'm at.

I'm gonna treat this as a healthy sexual exploration. And that's a choice, you guys. You're the ones who's making it right or making it wrong. So go into casual sex with a more positive attitude and stop beating yourselves up. To talk more about casual sex, I have a special guest who's not been on air. We're gonna pop her on air cherry. This is Lark, my new producer. Hi, Lark. Hello, sex with Emily World. It is so fantastic to meet all the listeners through this podcast today. If that's a term I can use. You've been knee-deep in them. You're reading the emails. You're

getting into the shows. Yeah. So very much as a producer does a little behind the scenes. One of the reasons I wanted to join Emily today to talk about this topic is so many of you write us and you share your questions and your stories and different things that you're thinking about as it pertains to casual sex. And I just wanted to be able to share some of these with Emily and kind of get her thoughts and maybe represent some of the larger themes that I've been reading up. Yeah, well, one of the things that you touched on,

which is so important and critical, is that there should never be a stigma behind casual sex. It's a choice. Now, obviously, if you're in a situation that doesn't feel like you're in control, that's a different conversation. But if you are making that choice, never feel guilty or bad about it.

Don't let stigmas, don't let society, don't let your best friend, who's maybe giving you a hard time, own it, because it's okay. But it's a choice. It's not bad to do the thing. Right, exactly. Safe casual sex can be super empowering.

You can say, you know what, right now, I'm just gonna, I'm not, I don't want to be in a relationship. I'm not doing it just to get revenge. I'm not doing it just to get over an X, but I actually want to go out and experience people and practice having great sex and being honest about it. Like, it can be a really empowering experience. I think that we flip it on its side

because we're so worried about our own judgments and what people are going to think of us. It doesn't serve us. Absolutely. A lot of the listeners that write in kind of talk but on its side because we're so worried about our own judgments and what people are going to think of us. It doesn't serve us. Absolutely. A lot of the listeners that write in kind of talk about the fact that they're caught up in the moment. They're on a date.

There's great chemistry. They're not asking themselves a thousand questions. Is this right? Is this wrong? They're kind of going with the flow. It feels good. They're making out with the person. But then for whatever reason, they're making out with the person. But then for whatever reason,

they're sort of that next day guilt. And we're here to tell you that you don't have to feel that way. Right, exactly. I mean, I think that's not exactly. You don't have to feel that way. And if it is something that like I said, that plagues you and you're like, oh, it's just not working for you, you don't have to do it.

But if you're gonna do it, enjoy the experiences, it's casual. So that means that it's impermanent, it's temporary, that's like the definition of it, and you're having an experience. And so if someone goes, or you go, so though I don't please be, try to be the best person you can be and call people and let them know where you're at or text them, people call sometimes now.

But really, if you're a good person and you enjoyed yourself and you had good sex and you spoke up for yourself, I really think that, um, and you got what you wanted, got what you came for. Just don't enjoy sex. Now, here's some other interesting things I really liked about our listeners, our audience. People wrote in and I feel like they're, uh, definitely dedicated listeners to the podcast that it's an opportunity for them to explore different parts of themselves. Absolutely. Like, there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking on a new persona. Going out that

night, maybe wearing something that you wouldn't normally wear, an outfit that you've had in the back of your closet. Exactly. That you haven't really had the confidence to put on. Now, I'm not saying transition and be a completely different person, own your personality, own the things you love about yourself, but it is a really unique opportunity. And we get a lot of emails that people love that. And there's an even heightened sense of turn on when they're doing things like that.

Exactly. Because you really don't, you don't know the person. There is chemistry, which is great. I hope there's always chemistry and you feel safe. But casual situations can be great for learning about yourself sexually, mentally and even emotionally. You might not want to have this person as your long-term partner. But if you're in a healthy mindset and you want to get as much pleasure as possible,

I think that we can also be less inhibited when we're having casual sex. Take advantage of that. Use it as an opportunity to try out things in the bedroom that you've been learning throughout this masturbation I've been talking about. It's also what you want. It's a practice. And a lot of people have written in to talk about casual sex while traveling. A lot of women and men who take solo trips have shared with us that there's an adventure some side to doing that to kind of letting

it go with the flow. And it's not about waking up that morning and deciding that that's the activity that you're going to do that night. But if you're exploring a city or if you're taking a tour or maybe you're trying a restaurant or bar by yourself and the chemistry is right, there's something. I love it. I've got it. Exactly. I mean, I used to travel and it feels like as long as you're having safe sex, in a way, it's a built-in place where you know you're not going to see this person again, perhaps you're living in different cities and you can really just be, practice like just being the authentic person that you are, being yourself, asking for what you want and without

the repercussions, maybe if thinking like, you know, knowing that it's going to end and knowing you won't see this person, but really it's like you get to learn more about yourself and then you'll take that back to wherever you live and be like, you know what? I was okay with that. I was able to climb on top and show them how what I needed to have an orgasm. You know what I mean? I think we can learn a lot from these experiences and they're like amazing memories too. They don't have to cut up and invite them to your wedding and stuff or make them your next future partner. Well, that's the perfect point to sort of close out and wrap up our discussion because the last key theme that I've really sort of clued in on, again, from our listener audience,

is that there's something kind of like it's motivating and empowering about it. Afterwards, you do have this slightly heightened sense of euphoria. So, as long as you know that you might not ever hear from this person ever again, you wake up the next day, you feel great, you had amazing sex, you took a smart risk, meaning you were safe, but yes, this is something that you don't do every day. You feel great about yourself, and you're gonna have a great day

exploring that new city if you're traveling by yourself, kicking butt at the office if you have a big presentation because you just went out there and you owned it. So I love all the audience emails about kind of feeling confident afterwards. Right, because it exists. It does. So I want you guys to hear these examples

of people who can actually go out and have amazing sex and not feel bad about it, because you shouldn't feel bad about it. You made a decision. Experience it. Joy casual sex. I love you. I'll thank you, Lark.

Thank you. And it's so fun. So great to be a part of the show and most importantly, we love hearing from you. I'm learning so much from our listeners, our sex with Emily family. So thank you everyone for sharing your stories. Okay, thanks, Lark. And thanks everyone for listening. Shout out to our sponsors. Thank you for supporting them and helping keep the show free. We'll be right back. We've got Mary. She's 27 from New Jersey on the line, and she's

trying to get her groove back. Hi, Mary. Hi, Emily. How are you? I'm good. How are you? Thanks for calling in. I'm doing well. Thank you so much for taking me kind of like, I love this you? I'm good, how are you? Thanks for calling in. I'm doing well.

Thank you so much for taking me kind of like this show and being excited. I'm so glad. I love talking to listeners. It's really great. Tell me how I can help you. What is going on? Tell us everything.

So a little bit of background. I have been in a relationship for about three years. And everything has been going great. I think it all about last year. I was diagnosed with an STD and unfortunately ever since then my boyfriend has been as supportive as possible but I have not felt like myself. I feel like I've lost everything that I spent two years building and I'm trying to get back and I feel like I've totally lost my grease. I have not had sex in probably about three months. Okay.

So I don't know how to get back. Oh, I get it. I get it. Tweeted scary. They don't really tell you a lot and it can feel like a death sentence. You're like, oh my god, how am I ever going to feel sexy again and how am I going to have sex? But the good news is that it's not Mary.

It's not death sentence. A lot of people have, you know, STDs, STIs and they have healthy sex lives. And so it's just a matter of really making peace with it and educating your partner. So he understands what's going on. So are you taking anything for it? I am. It's not something that I have to take all of the time, but I absolutely am.

Okay. It's a good daily suppress. Are we talking about, can we talk about your STI? Could you share with us what it is? Yeah, I have her piece. Okay. That's what I thought. So you could take a daily suppressant or when it flares, right, when you have a flare if it flares on. Correct.

Okay, got it. And how is your partner, how is he reacted to it when you told them what was going on? He, I've been open and honest with him from J1. When something happened, he was the first person that I showed. And I said, oh my God, what is this? So he has been super helpful and really open. He has done his own research, which is fantastic. Probably more research than I have. OK, so that's great.

So he's feeling better about it. And you're still, yeah. How do you know that he didn't have it? How come he, if you guys have been together three years and you were diagnosed a year ago, have you been with other partners? No. I mean it is true sometimes that you know it just you know you're just carrier and then you know you could have symptoms but it's interesting that you've been you haven't been with anyone else that he might have been a carrier but we'll never know. Exactly. He might have symptoms.

We've gotten, we've talked it up to. Great. But you know, that was unassisted, has unprotected sex, and now we do not absolutely. Right. But it's been different. Okay. So tell me what you're feeling. So what happens is that you don't really have desire right now? Exactly.

Okay. I just don't... With taking that, I feel like I fell into a little bit of a depression. I gained some weight and I think everything kind of spiraled. Okay. And, you know, he still initiates and I politely decline. Right. Right. Have you doing anything to beat, you know, because you really have to, it sounds like you're

hating on yourself and you've got shame and you're not loving yourself or your body right now and blaming yourself for, I don't know what, because you're having so many people have, I mean, it's more so common. I would say like three out of five people have, you know, an STI or an STD, it's very, very common. And so I feel like for you, it's getting over these, you know, these negative things that you're telling yourself, like you did something wrong, which you didn't, and your partner's being supportive.

So I need you to do some exercises where you are reconnecting to your body, Mary. The one thing is, when he makes these advances, if you start having sex with him again, your arousal will increase, and you're gonna be happy with sex with him. It's like going to the gym, I always say, you're never gonna regret going to the gym,

sometimes it's so hard to get out the door. But once you get there and you work out, you never regret it. And sex is the same way. So if he's reaching out to connect to a sex, it's been three months. It's really important. You know, you love him. He's your boyfriend. So I say, that's one thing. Like even you want to start having sex, you will be happy that you did. But also, I feel like there has to be some self-love for Mary. And you really making peace with the fact that, you know, you have this SED, you're taking care of it, you are in a loving relationship and your body has not failed you. Your body is beautiful, connect with it, masturbate, take that time to reconnect, have orgasms.

But if you truly feel like you're in a depression, I can't tell if there's other things going in your life that have kind of set you in the spiral, or is it really just about this? Because typically it's not just one thing. I think it's been a multitude of things, but this is kind of the high thing on the cake. Okay. Are you on birth control? I am. Yes. I have the IUD. Okay. And have you had any, I'm just wondering if you've gotten checked by your doctor as well. Have you seen a therapist or even gotten checked by your doctor as well. Have you seen like a therapist or even gotten checked by your doctor in college to see if

this could be having impact on your libido? Yes, but it's still very new. Right, so I've had it for probably four months now. Okay. So it's still new. Okay, because I'm experiencing with that is kind of what they say. Okay, but it still can for some women, like, yeah, I mean, it can have side effects for sure.

So I think that this is really me, there's not gonna be some magic bullet for you right now. There's not gonna be like, you know, rather than masturbating, talking to your partner and just saying, like, what can we do to make it? Is, you know, interesting together? How can you guys maybe get out of the house, take a few days away together, have like vacation sex?

Kind of, maybe, maybe leave this environment that you've been in that's making you depressed and having sex in the bedroom and kind of just say, you know what, I'm going to turn over a new leaf. I love him. He's supporting me and we're going to communicate about how to take our sex life to the next level and to really like kind of like shed this part of you that's beating yourself up and really it just goes by, it starts by doing it, it starts by reconnecting to your body and reconnecting to your partner. Because, and stopping these negative, that's what I'm thinking, if you're really depressed,

you do need to talk to someone because if you've this negative tape in your head that something is wrong and that you've messed up and you've a lot of shame, it's going to be hard to get past it on your own. But if you think that you can start to make baby steps one positive move a day that kind of moves you towards connecting with yourself sexually and your partner, then I think you can do it. But if you feel like you just can't get out of the mind trap, then you might need to get some help, which we all need at different points in our life.

Yeah, and you have been so helpful. I feel like the past couple of months I've just been listening to your podcast and I'm stopped and taking everything in. And this was kind of the first step because I know that there's other people. Yeah. Who are like me and I was fighting with myself. Should I do this? Should I reach out and I'm sure that there are

a ton of other people. Oh my God, so many. I'm saving advice. Mary, I'm so glad. No, this is so helpful. That's what I love about the show. And thank you so much for putting yourself out there and saying yes, I'll call on to the show because I feel like we really got to connect like I feel you right now. And I feel like so many other listeners can relate to this and they're going through the same thing. So thank you. You're amazing. Thank you so much. So good to talk to you and keep me posted, Mary. You got this back. You got your group back already. This is the first step. It's getting there. Bye Mary. Thank you. Thanks for spending the show. Bye Mary.

I love the calls. You guys call. I mean, I will read your email still. We'll do email shows, but these calls, I just feel like we get somewhere, right? And you guys marry, I mean, how many people do you know like Mary? Maybe you're like Mary and you're nervous about sex, you're nervous about STDs. Maybe you have one. And I'm telling you, it's not death sentence. You can take a daily suppressant, and you just have to, you know, talk to your partner or talk to your new sex partner and say, yeah, I've got this STD, STI, I'm taking something for it.

Just remember, it's way more common than you think, and it's really about arming yourself with education and your partner, and just explain to them that, you know, what they can do about it, what the risk factors are, which are not very high, you guys, really, if you take the precautions. So you're all going to be fine. Everyone take a deep sigh. Relax. Go with some sex.

Okay. My next color is Sam. She's 23 from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and she wants to know about initiating casual sex. Hi, Sam. Hello. Hello. Thank you for calling in. How can I help you today?

What's going on? So, let's see. Yeah, basically wanting to know how to initiate casual sex because I've been out of the game for a long time. I started having sex when I was probably like 15 and was pretty sexually active for a couple of years after that, but now I'm 23 and I've only had sex with one person in the last four years and only one time. Okay. So yeah, I'm just wondering how to get back into it, but I guess in my mind, like I've just kind of been waiting until I'm in an agamist relationship with someone and just don't really have any prospects right now and feel like it could be a while before that happen.

I don't know if I'm gonna talk about it. I'm curious. The other thing is I feel like people in my age mostly initiate casual sex by going out, partying, maybe it's a one night stand or something and I'm not a big drinker either. Those are kind of my issues. And I've been on and off of dating apps, not really into that too much.

But Sam, why do you think you haven't had sex for the last four years? Just once. I don't know. I mean, I want to and I feel that I urge to do it, but I don't know. And I'm a confident person too, so I don't know. It's like a timing thing, like being in the right place, or like I said, just knowing how to initiate it. I mean, we'll do that.

What kind of work environment are you in? In school, are you working? I'm in advertising. I work in advertising. I work in advertising. So, are there people from work that you hang out with or that you go, you know, after work, go out for drinks, is there anyone in the office or like friends of friends in the office? Like, are you a social person?

Even if you're on a party girl, you can still have a lot of you can still have friends and make connections at work, you know. Okay. So I feel like, so do you go to parties, do you go out or would you rather just stay home and watch Netflix, which is totally fine. I think everybody wants to just really be sitting on their couch. That's be honest. I mean, I try and get out. I'll definitely go out for a drink or two, but it's not like I'm staying out all night. I'm pretty into working out and that sort of thing. How about a good gym? Pretty often. Do you meet people

of the gym? Do you smile? Are you open? Do you talk to people? Yeah, I do. And I actually coach at our gym. So it's kind of my job to talk to everyone that comes through. And I do. I mean, I, any new guy that, anyone, not just guys, but any guy that comes through, I'm talking to. And yeah, but I haven't, and that's the other part of it too. It's like, I'm not, I haven't found someone that I'm even like sexually attracted to. Really? I mean, I'm sure I've come across people in the last four years or whatever, but I think I've gotten a little bit like. Like sometimes you gotta like, oh, that person seems interesting

and you might not know right away, like men are different, I mean, many men are different. I don't wanna draw stereotypes here, but like I know within 30 seconds, if I wanna have sex with her. I think for some women, it might be, you know, you might wanna get to know them a little bit or get to be friends with them

or ask them out for a drink and then see if it kind of builds. But I'm wondering if you're just casting people off because you're like, I don't feel it. I don't feel it. And you're not really opening yourself up to the experience of getting to know somebody. Because you seem really nice, personable. You've got friends. You've got a good job.

And so unless there's something else you're not telling me, I feel like it just has to do with confidence. And you, in your mind, you've already pathologized yourself by saying, oh, it's been four years and I took you eight years to have set, you know, some of you in one partner. I mean, no one's, there's no like sex police. Like no one's monitoring what's right, what's wrong. You're totally normal. It's fine. People wait. So there's nothing wrong with you right now. So I feel like you're putting undue pressure on yourself. Because unless I'm missing something, I think you just keep going about your life. I know a lot of friends who want party girls. I was never a party girl. I always met people through work or through, you

know, doing, going to movies, and filmmaking, or I used to do a bunch of different things like that, like make films and go to like art classes, and I would meet people that way doing the things that I love. And so if you've got things that you love in your life that you like doing, I think that's where you naturally going to find people who are like minded on the same wavelength. And don't prepress yourself. Maybe they're friends, you know what I'm saying? Like you don't have't think like is this the one, but really kind of making an effort to just forge some friendships

and community. And that's where a lot of times love kind of falls out of that. Yeah, yeah, and I got to my thing to just getting over the like having to be in a serious relationship with someone before it happens.

Yeah, I don't think you have to be that aren't necessarily doing that. Right. Absolutely. So casual sex is tricky, right? Because we're saying, okay, I'm going to have sex without the emotions. That's typical. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be.

I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have to be. I don't think you have's an interest enough to get a drink or to get lunch

and then you see where it goes and it might turn into a casual thing or relationship, but there's really no way to know it's kind of the same thing to be honest. Yeah, so just be honest about an open about what you want. Take some risks, put yourself out there, say yes to everything you get invited to for the next two weeks. Yeah, you'll meet someone new, okay? Kate, we posted. Okay, Sam. Okay. Okay, don't be on your stuff. Bye, Sam.

You're welcome. Have a good night. All right, bye. You guys, here's the thing about dating. You get to make your own rules. There's nobody saying that you have to have slept with five partners by the time you're a certain age or you have to have casual sex or you should be having sex once a month. No, none of that exists except for in your own head and what you guys do is you're torching yourself because you think you're not normal

and you're not matching up to what your friends are doing, but all that matters is that you really listen to yourself and your body and what you want right now, okay? What kind of relationship you want, what kind of people, you know, you're attracted to, and so I feel like you guys just, just where you're at in your life now is where you're at in the dating cycle. There are no sheds, just move forward and, you know, every day is a new day to kind of get out there and meet someone you like or not. And there is no pressure.

It's just a deadline you're putting in yourself. So don't torture yourself. Have fun with dating you guys. Have fun meeting someone. Like, make this process enjoyable and don't make it headache. You have a choice. We've got Alyssa. She's 27 from Chicago. And she's having a hard time with her boyfriend's

sexual fluidity. Hi Alyssa. Tell me everything. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. So good talk to you.

Yeah. Yeah, so nice. Thanks so much for picking me up. Of course. I'm a little nervous. Oh my god. Don't worry. Let's just chill deep breaths.

I'm here for you. All right, cool. I do it too. I my god. Don't worry. Let's just chill deep breaths. I'm here for you I do it too. I appreciate it. You're welcome. You're welcome. Hi Tell me what's going on. Oh, okay. So this happened probably about a month ago. I had met my boyfriend out. We've been together like two years. Super pretty good. Everyone has their ups and downs. And he's always very open to me about his bisexuality. It really seemed like it was more of a thing in the past, more experimental when he was doing it,

when he was like experimenting with his sexuality. So I was, and I'm like, I kind of live in a gray area. There's no black and white in my head. So fast forward, we have been on and off again for two years. And I met him out and he was arguing with a coworker. And the coworker was this, you know, like, sassy gay man. He's cool, like I've met him before.

And it was just a very tense situation. And so, you know, we're in an Uber on the way home. And let's call him Jerry. Jerry says to me, you know, well, you know, when we were on a break, we actually had kind of a thing. And sometimes when we drank it gets a little pens. So that was very... Okay. And so then I went in to clearly like grill him like, what does this mean?

And they basically hooked up twice where they blew each other. Okay. Which was like, I think I don't mind that. I think that it was more like the tact in which it was done. And then I kind of started thinking about it. And then it just kind of was like eating at me more and more like, yeah. So that just happened. And I was just kind of like, I don't know how to play my own play at all.

How do I compute? Right. I understand. Okay. So have you told you, so you guys were on and off for two years? and I was just kind of like, I don't know how to place my computer at all. How do I compute? Right, I understand. OK, so have you told you, so you guys were on and off for two years? So you're in the two year, are you on now, you're off? We are on. You're on.

OK, and before the break up or one of the breakups, have you known since the beginning, actually, that he was bisexual? Yes. And it's we've worked together. And he's been open worked together and he's like been, he's just been like open, especially whenever he drinks, because it's all like, it all becomes loose when you drink. So like, yeah, so I guess it didn't really set into me just how bisexual I guess he was.

And then I was like, oh, okay, okay, this is, this is, okay, all right, cool. Okay. So you're trying to figure out how to, like, I mean, can you, if you can be with him, but if he's bisexual or... So I don't think it's that. I think it's more of like, I've never been with someone bisexual. Right. And it's also weird, like, he doesn't identify as bisexual because he has no romantic

interest in men. But sexually, he, he he is kind of like any Well, that's kind of the definition is just having sexual interactions If you wanted to find it because really everything is sort of sexually fluid now and people you know people aren't level Labels which I totally understand but it's having sex with you know Part of member sex so it's not even about romantic feelings. So yeah, so that's what it is So he's bisexual you you've known that. I'm just wondering, I wanna know

how your sex life is with him. How is it, is he? It's really great. I think that's one of the biggest struggles is like I, there's this lack of, like am I gonna be able to please someone who is so open sexually? Like I'm very worried about that.

Right, okay, well it sounds like, well you tell me, are you guys in a committed relationship whereby sexual affairs are not okay? Yeah, no, no, no, like we are committed. I really appreciate that he is really open sexually. I was just like such a worry for me going forward and maybe not, you know, like. Right. Okay. So you guys getting married like is he the one you want of children with him?

What do you think? No, we're not there yet. Okay. We're a very good relationship. Well, see if he's experiment how often does he drink? Pretty often. I say a hard like four to five months a week. All right. Hard service industry. Well, okay. He's in the service industry. He's a bartender or waiter. You said he's drinking. He's in that night life. You're in Chicago. You guys are young.

You're in your 20s. Let me just be honest with you. Like he's going to get drunk. And he might suck another guy's dick and come home late. And you're going to worry about it, perhaps, or you're going to have to make peace with the fact that you please him so as much as you can, except for the fact that you don't have a penis.

And that's what he wants sometimes, everyone's a while. And you already have that information right now. So if you're concerned, is it you're worried that you're not enough for him, you just really, you know, it's not that you're doing anything wrong. It just sounds like he's experimenting right now and he's doing his thing. And so you have all the information you need, you just need to make a decision if you can live with this or not. Because then, yeah, you're gonna question it,

you're gonna question him, you're gonna be insecure if he doesn't call it, you know what I mean? So that's what you have to deal with. Okay, okay, Lissa, you got this, just pay attention, okay? Actions and words, and actions are bigger than words. Okay, thanks, Lissa, good to talk to you. That was so great, thank you so much.

You're so welcome. Okay, have a good night. Bye. You too. Bye. Guys, I think this is interesting because I think that sexual fluidity is definitely a topic now that comes up a lot from a lot of men, you know, dating women who are bisexual and thinking, oh, that'd be great.

We can have three Sims or I think it's really hot. And then I've been hearing more so now from women who say, you know what? I'm dating someone who's bisexual and I'm not really sure how I feel about it. And the truth is, there is no right or wrong way to feel about it. It's really about, are you still attracted to them? Do you guys have a commitment? Are you going to see other people? Because just like any other relationship, you decide if you're going to be monogamous, you know, you decide if you're going to see other people. And really it's about, you know, talking about it with your partner and understanding how it feels to you. There is no right or wrong.

Just checking in and am I aroused? Am I a turned on by this person? Are they a good partner? Do we want the same things? Just like we ask in every other relationship. Thanks, Alyssa for that. Okay, we've got Ainsley. She's 21 from San Antonio, Texas,

and she's having a hard time getting over a breakup. Hi, Ainsley. How can I help you today, sweetie, tell me what's going on? Hi, Emily. Thank you so much for your you today, sweetie? Tell me what's going on. Hi, Emily. Thank you so much for your call. Oh, basically, so much good brief. I recently ended my three-year high school relationship,

like early this spring around March, since I was becoming aware that I was looking at other guys and capable of developing feelings for other guys. So I didn't feel right to stay in that relationship that felt disrespectful. And I noticed that feel right to stay in that relationship or felt disrespectful. And I noticed that I was developing feelings for my best friend. And we had been best friends since freshman year of high school

and, or since freshman year of college. And I dismissed it as just an innocent crush. But then I started to notice that I was more excited to hang out with my best friend instead of my boyfriend. So long story short, I broke up with my boyfriend for this guy. And so we started dating for about two months.

And it was really fun. We kept it pretty. I don't want to say casual, because we were definitely exclusive. But we started saying that we loved each other, since we'd known each other for so long. And we had the same group of friends since our freshman year of high school.

So I'm freshman year of college. I'm sorry. I'm using that mistake. And so we would like, I'll go out with our friends. And we would tell our friends that we were like seeing each other. And we were like officially a couple. We were like acknowledging our feelings for one another. And just kind of out of the blue, he became really distant.

It was really strange. So I decided to confront him about it about not replying to my text and not accepting my invitations to hang out or to come over. And he told me that he was experiencing a despot of depression. And since I had experienced depression too when we're both on medication for it, I could totally sympathize with him,

but it didn't, like, I still felt rejected. I just went from him and I'm still painful. So we tried talking things out, and I thought it went really well. We talked about it in person, and he said that this depression was just temporary, and that he even said that he'd be willing to do, like, long distance after graduations, and he's going to med school, and I'm going to grad school. And that was obviously something I never wanted to bring up because it was just kind of uncharted territory. You know, something I just want to venture towards.

And so the next day after we had that conversation, it was just a complete 180. He said that a serious relationship wasn't worth it and this was too stressful the time for him and that he just was not able to continue our relations. So basically, Emily, what I'm trying to ask is how do I move forward and not take it personally and how do I determine whether to stay friends with him? Right. Okay. So how long will you guys together?

Only two months. Two months. Okay, but we've been friends for a long time. One three or three years. Right. It's like a friend break up. I got it. So, sweetie, getting over a breakup, it's really like a little mini death, right? So, there is a process and you gotta listen to me,

though, because you're asking for advice. And so, I'm not gonna tell you this, unless you have to really, you have to do some of these things, because the things about the breakup is, it's the hardest thing in the whole world. It's like, it's like, you know, quit, it's like an addiction. It's like, telling you to stop smoking cigarettes or drinking. It's like, it's hard. And I'm sorry that you're going through this. And it sounds like you've really been struggling. I read your email I know you're going through a lot right now, and it's like oh my god my best friend and now he's gone and I get it And I do because it's freaking hardest thing in the whole world But I promise when you get on the other side of it

You're gonna have learned so much about this and you're even you're gonna feel so much better about yourself But the quicker that you like allow yourself to feel it, feel the sadness, I don't know what stage you're at, it's been a few months now, how long has it been since he left? Since you ended it. Okay, so it's still really new, okay, he's gone, I'm sorry. Okay, so this is the part where you're like, okay, so your take as much time right now is you need to like be sad and to mourn the relationship and To surround yourself with your friends your community. It's okay to stay home Many pen and Jerry's and watch Netflix for a week like that is fine But I know you're also prone to depression and so you know just make sure that again that you keep your community around you

Your friends your family one day you might be incredible friends But right now what I need you to do when we hang up is you need to block him on Facebook, Instagram, all these places, and I would even say block his phone number, but I don't know if you're gonna do that, which is fine. But you have to do at least two, like social media, because you're gonna keep going back and wanting to check things and you're gonna keep,

you know, and every time we do that, it's like ripping the bandaid off, right? So you just, it's like six months. Six months for now you can talk to him, but right now for six months, it's like, you can't we do that, it's like ripping the bandaid off, right? So you just, it's like six months. Six months from now you can talk to him, but right now for six months it's like, you can't. And you've got to take time to heal. So go through the sadness and the hurt and the anger, and you will get through it.

And this is when we do some of our best work and our best growth is actually when we're going through a breakup, because you can look at Angle, whoop, because you've been in a relationship too for most of your life, it sounds like like you went from one guy in high school to college. And so in your 21 years old and this is the time where you actually it would serve you so well to speak,

who's the ANSLY without a guy in my life? I've had these great guys. He did not leave as nothing to do with you. Like he's figuring out his life, like you said he's going to school or not and trying to figure it out as nothing to do with you. So I know when we go through breakups, like what could I have done better? Is it someone to figure it out, has nothing to do with you. So, I know when we go through breakups, we're like, what could I have done better?

Is it someone else? No, this has nothing to do with you. So, the good news is, now that you know that, you didn't do anything wrong, it's all about you going, okay, I've had two relationships. What did I like? What worked for me? What traits am I going to look for on the next partner?

What won't I tolerate? And then, who am I? You know, so this is when you get in good shape or you start taking classes and you build your friendships, right? And then you realize when you're a really good place again, which you will be, you'll start to attract the kind of people that are right for you.

You'll put that energy out there because you're going to know more and more about what you want. And that's part of being in your 20s and figuring this out. Yeah, I just feel uncomfortable not having a boyfriend which I'm so. I know. I love that you've said that. I took, you know, sweetie, I've been there.

I get it and the easiest thing to do is to get right back into another one. The hard thing to do is say, you know what? I'm not gonna date for a few months. I'm just not. I'm gonna go out with friends. I'm gonna hang out, but it's so easy to, you know, jump right into another relationship

so we don't have to kind of feel the pain and the suffering from the last one, but I want you to stick with this. I know. Can you distract yourself with your friends? Can you, you know, all those little projects that you want to do, I know easier said than done. Because you sound like a great girl,

and I'm sure there's a lot of guys who do want to go out with you. But I just feel like this healing time is good for you, and it's okay to be sad just reach out to your friends and family and get a support group. But I know it's weird without a guy, and just notice that. Go, you know what? This is weird.

It's just like, I've never not had a guy around me. Huh, what is that like and get curious about that experience rather than getting bummed about it? But that's interesting, because I've always had a man by my side, but now what would I do without a guy? I'm gonna travel by myself. I'm gonna go to this restaurant. I'm gonna invite my friends to do something

that I couldn't have done before because I was always with my boyfriend. You know what I mean? And then kind of flip this around and see, you know, figure out who you do you. I think you'll be surprised. I know you'll be surprised. You're gonna fall in love with this new Anzli

who will be well equipped to get into the next relationship once you take this time. Yeah, well thank you so much Emily. You're so welcome. I'm known for me to not have a guy and to not want to pursue a new relationship right away. Like, either to prove that like, oh, it wasn't like, it didn't mean that much to me or you know, it's tough away.

Right. What else is it? It's tough away. Easy to fall into that habit, which is a habit I've noticed that I've had is like right away jumping into relationships to avoid mourning the previous one. So I really appreciate your advice. Yeah, you've got it this time, Ainslie. You think you're so self-aware.

You're so welcome. You've got this. Thank you, Ane. Take care of yourself, Ane. All right, thanks for calling. Bye. Bye. Goodbye.

Hey, you guys, breakups are hard. We are not trained at all how to do the breakups. It's like, what? This is the hardest thing ever. And we will do anything we can to like get over the pain. But really, you know, we want to numb ourselves. You want to drink. We want to sleep around.

But the best thing we can do and the hardest thing is to take that time to heal. So I love Ainsley that she has a self-awareness to know that that's her pattern. And you guys, we all have patterns. Nothing wrong with them. But then the earlier and the sooner we recognize our patterns and what worked for us, what didn't,

and what we want going forward, the healthier relationships that we will be in. I love talking to you guys. These calls are great. Please, everyone, remember to go to our website, go to the Ask Emily page, and then you can fill out the form. You can check if you want to be called. You can also text us, 7979, 7979.

Text Ask Emily one word. Can't wait to hear from you. And thanks, everyone, for following us on social media, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat. I'm all up in that stuff. Add it, sex with Emily. And thanks for shopping with us and hanging out. I love you all. Thank you for listening to this show.

It was a good for you. Email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com. you