Sex With Emily - Hotline Calls: Are We Sexually Compatible?

Episode Date: September 8, 2023

Are you and your partner sexually compatible? That’s the theme of today’s Hotline Calls show, as my Producer and I break down these couples' sex and relationship issues. First, when your partner isn’t pleasuring you as much as you’d like, does that mean they aren’t attracted? Or just nervous? Next, do you squirt during sex? It’s a goal for many, but what if it’s happening more than you’d like? How about sex drive discrepancy? When you’ve had more chemistry with past partners – and more sex – is your current partner not a fit? Or do you need to find a middle ground? Finally, what happens when your partner’s got a kink that weirds you out? We don’t yuck anyone’s yum here, but one caller needs advice on navigating brother-sister role play.See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.Show Notes:Oral Herpes? How to Keep Living Your Best Sex Life5 Hot, Consensual Ways to Practice VoyeurismPlaydrop Sex Mat (code EMILY10 for 10% off + bonus play rag)SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69)The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureWant more? Sex With Emily: HomeLet’s get social: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok Let’s text: Sign Up HereWant me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You've been together for five years and I always think before you decide to leave a relationship, make sure that you've done everything you can to see if it could work. And that would include a healthier conversation with her about your sex life and trying to remember the things that you did fall in love with when your sex life was great and trying to have the conversation with her in that spirit. In the spirit of let's try to come together and find ways if this can work. Let's see how we can be great lovers to each other. Let's talk about some of our turn-ons and what's work for us. Let's try some new things to see if we are really compatible. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to

help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. We're back with another hotline cause episode and this one is juicy. My producer, Erica and I discuss, what to do if you're not comfortable with a partner's fantasies, reading yourself of any shame associated with squirting? What it means if you keep comparing a partner to past relationships and how to talk to a partner if they're afraid to touch you exactly how you want. If you want to leave a voice with your question, please do call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559-825-5739. You can also leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Please rate and review sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show, my new articles, oral herpes, how to keep living your best sex life, and five hot,

consensual ways to practice voyeurism are up on SexWithEmily.com. Artiborn enjoyed this episode. So, I moved into a new house last year and had to buy some new furniture. Of course, the biggest and most stressful furniture piece is the sofa. Because let's be honest, it's the one thing you can't really screw up. It's got to fit your space, be cute, be comfy, it's a whole thing. That's why Kozy is the sofa company you need to know about. They make ordering a sofa online so simple.

Kozy has four collections of modular sofas so you can buy one doubt to fit your immediate needs and grow it over time. By adding seats and modules you could adapt your sofa so that it fits every room, every lifestyle, every chapter of your life. So here's how it works. Select your favorite design and Cozy's website. Choose the perfect configuration for your space, then choose your color. It gets delivered to your door free in two to five days. Do you know how long other places take? They take a long time. Two to five days is a miracle.

They're a Canadian company that ships to Canada and the US. Cozy offers a 30-day trial so you can have plenty of time to make sure your piece truly works. No wonder they have over 3550 five-star reviews. Visit cosy.ca to order a free set of fabric swatches and get started on sofa shopping. That's C-O-Z-E-Y dot-C-A. I enjoy free shipping on all orders. Cosy, keep it simple. cozy, keep it simple. This is from Samantha 23 in Oklahoma.

Hi Emily, my name is Samantha. I am 23 years old from Oklahoma and my question for you is my boyfriend and I have been together. It'll be two years next month and I constantly in the bedroom ask him if he could play with my nipples, if he could touch my body, but the problem or maybe not a problem. But something about me is I have inverted nipples and I don't think that's something he's ever seen before. Therefore, he has a really hard time playing with them. I think it's a confidence thing. I've given him tips. But not only that, I feel like he has a problem with touching my body in general. I don't know if it's because he doesn't want to be disrespectful or do something that would

make me uncomfortable, but I constantly reassure him that it's a space that I trust him and there's even times where I physically take his hand and put them on my body, but when you're in the moment, it does kind of ruin things. Just because I do feel like, do you like me? Do you find me attractive? And we've had this conversation multiple times, and it just seems like nothing is really changing. So my question is, like, do we have a lack of chemistry? Is there something that we can do to make things a little bit easier? I would love your input. Thank you so much.

All right. Samantha, thank you so much for your question. Okay. She seems very, very thoughtful. Samantha, I can get that it's frustrating that you hear yourself asking your part of her something and it's just not happening. And she kind of nailed it. She said, I think it's a confidence thing. And I think she might be right. She's 23 years old. I'm assuming he's about the same age. And a lot of times it could be that he's just not really sure how even though she's guiding his hands, he really might not be sure what to do. We've seen this time and again where he might be the school thought of, well, maybe penetration is more important than touching your body. He might not understand that she's asking because four plays so important to her,

and this is what turns her on and what arouses her. I don't think there's anything to do with her inverted nipples. I think it sounds like it's more of an overall understanding and for him sort of committing to giving touch to her body and he might feel she doesn't need it It's not a requirement. He'd rather just get the penetration or doesn't really know actually how to do it even though She's trying to guide. Yeah, yeah, might not be about the inverted nipples more just about nipple play in general

He might not know how to touch or stimulate a breast properly and with confidence like she said Yeah, so maybe you can show them a little bit more and You're saying that in the moment that can be a little awkward sounds like that might not be going over as well. This might be a great conversation for date night. For when you guys are just hanging out with two of you, you can say, let's talk about our sex life. Let's talk about being great lovers to each other what that might look like. I know that I'm guiding you during sex. Is there sometimes I put your hands in my body because it feels so great and it's just turn on to be your hands all over my body? I'm not sure how that is for you. Let me know. What's that like? Is there something else I can do?

Is there anything that you want? And it's just you start talking about your sex life. You just start doing it and see how that goes because then you'll have more answers. During that conversation, you can also open up about how important it is for him to touch your body, both because it feels good, and because it gives you a boost of confidence that he loves and adores your body. If you're getting the sense that he doesn't like your body,

you're feeling not attractive during sex, that's an important thing to bring up. And that might be like a great incentive for him to be like, oh wow, baby, I don't want you to feel that. And I want you to feel adored and ravished and loved. You know, when we make assumptions and we make up stories, we all do this, like, well, this might not be happening

because all of these reasons, but we don't actually know till we have the conversation. And so much more will be revealed once you do. Let us know how it goes too. Remember, please update us, feedback at sexathamely.com. We love the updates. Thanks, Martha.

This is from Mallory 18 in Texas. Hi, I'm Elaine. My name is Mallory. I live in Texas and my pronouncement she heard. I just heard a question about squirting because I have noticed ever since me and my boyfriend became active, I squirt a lot. It's like every time he puts it in or whether it's a finger or a toy or himself, you know, I'm squirting the entire time. And I feel very self-conscious about it. He says he likes it and it turns

him on more because he's doing it right. But I don't know. Can you just give me a little bit of tips on how to feel more comfortable with myself. Thank you so much. I appreciate it Emily. Bye. Thanks Mallory. Thanks for your question. I love that you are sporting and hopefully it feels good to you and I get though that it can be a little bit confusing and you're like, really, you like this? Messy, I've got fluids coming out of me. You know, what do I do? So first, I want to say that I love that your partners really open and down with it. I think a lot of people have fantasies around their partners squirting and there you are, Mallory, Squirting and you know everyone's feeling good. Some ways to feel comfortable about it is just

that. Like accepting that this is what your body's doing. It's hopefully giving you pleasure and feeling good and like something a little bit different. A lot of times it's the mess, right? And when you say yourself conscious about it, it could be, there's a mess everywhere. I got to change my clothes. I got to change the sheets. Have a solution right by the bed. Whenever you have sex, I love the play drop sex mat. It actually shaped like a drop, like a drop of fluid, a drop of anything. It's waterproof. You can easily just lay down your bed every time you have sex. It's soaks up liquid. It's not going to get your sheets dirty and then you just throw it in the washer dryer.

I'm a fan of that. That's one way to feel more comfortable because I think that with the squirting, there's so much pleasure, but then also so much mess. I'm wondering what else is contributing to the self-consciousness around it? If there's something else you need to hear from your partner around it, but if it really is just the mess, it and I think preparing in such a way like putting down a sex mat just kind of automatically Rids yourself of some of the shame of just like yeah sex is messy. Here we go. Here's a solution for it. All right next

Exactly, it's like I'm getting in front of this. Yeah, and it's just sort of like I say like a Lou but every night stand Have your map by your bed, have your sex choice. It's even great for sweat. Yeah, exactly. Great sex is often sweatiest. Right. I mean, honestly, I hate washing my duvet,

however I'm in all the time. So just protect your bed, have something by your bed that works. You know, something like this is so purposeful and it's really comfortable. I use it all the time. I love these mats because then I, like I said, don't have too laundry and's hot. And it's kind of, it's saying, like, I like what you're saying. Like, it sets the scene. Yeah. You're like, wow, there's some goodness to come. Right. Like, you don't have to feel shame about it. Your boyfriend already likes it.

And I think it's a great way to feel more comfortable, be more intentional and feel more connected to your partner without the, you know, worry some thoughts, right? Which means we always have more pleasure when we're intentional and connected. Exactly. And Mallory, I think it's so great that you're able to squirt. I do feel like we should touch on your boyfriend's belief that the more you squirting, the means the more he's doing it right, which if you've listened to the show, you know that squirting and orgasms are not synonymous.

You can squirt with the having an orgasm, you can orgasm without squirting. So it's not necessarily doing it right or wrong. It's just like, okay, he's doing it in such a way that you are squirting. There is a lot of value-placed and squirting. If I can squirt, then I'm going to win the sex award or something. And I think it's a little bit overdone. I think it's because of porn. We started seeing squirting in all these recent years and we think, well, now it's the next thing I want to do. But remember, we don't have to squirt. We can still have incredible sex. We definitely don't want to be pressured into it.

And we don't want to pay so high our value on it. Again, the best sex is when we are connected and communicating and we're all feeling good. So I don't want this to be another thing that everyone feels is like the holy grail of sex. It's really not. The whole of the grail of sex is about conversation, commitment, intention, and pleasure. And pleasure and orgasms. It's from male 32 in California.

Hello Dr. Emily. I am a 32 year old male from Southern California. I've been listening to Shill for about a little over a year now and absolutely love it and being so much from your podcast. Thank you very much for doing what you do. My question is surrounding the topic of my current partner who I've been with for the past five years. She does not have the same sex drive as I do or I find that she might not be as sexual as I am. So the past five years I've compared my sexual chemistry that I have with her and I'm comparing it to past relationships and past sexual encounters

and experiences I've had with others. And because I feel like the sexual chemistry has been so much more in degrading and exciting in past relationships, I find that my current sex life is just falling short. And it's a hard conversation to bring up. I've tried it, you know, one from the past. It didn't go the way I wanted it to go. She got a little defensive and hurt. And so I refrain, you know, going forward from really

getting you down curious what your take is on it. All right. Thank you so much for your thoughtful question. Okay. So what we're talking about is the very common dilemma that many couples find themselves in and that is mismatched sex drives. One partner wants sex more often than another, but in this case, also he's doing the comparing to the past. And that's also an interesting place to go

because remember, we tend to have this U4C recall where we remember all of our past sexual experiences, many of them are X's, we put them on this pedestal and everything was great, and all your past experiences were better than this one. So I just want to caution to that, because there's a reason you're not with those people, remember that, and I think that the Canusa

was a learning tool, but I didn't think it means that you're not with those people. Remember that. And I think that the can use them as a learning tool, but I didn't think it means that you're going to be like, go back in time and recreate what we think was there. It's just again, more information about knowing maybe what's possible, but keeping your attention focus on the relationship that you're in in the moment, I think, is helpful. So here's a thing about sexual chemistry

and long-term relationships. And I would say five years in, this is a long-term relationships. And I would say five years in, this is a long-term relationship. It tends to change when we're with somebody for this long. And it does take a little bit of work to keep it hot. You know, you got to talk about it. It sounds to me like this hasn't been a conversation. What I'm hearing from you is that you're spending a lot of time perhaps building a case that it has to be over, your past was better, you might stream this match as time to move on. And if you've been listening, you know that trying to bring it up only once isn't going to do it because I've got to remind everybody, when you bring

up sex for the first time, especially in a long term relationship, you better just be prepared for your partner to get defensive. Right. It seems like a very normal reaction. We get defensive because we don't hear people talk about it. We've never brought it up. So if you're bringing it up, it must mean to tell me that I'm doing something wrong. And then our brain goes to I'm a terrible lover. I'm a bad person. You don't like my body. So she goes to all these places. So I get why it's been hard for you to bring up. I do understand that. But you're going to have to bring it up again. And you're going to have to reinforce her that you know, I brought it up. I know you got defensive and I really want you to know that this is about

both of us. Belaming on me, listening to the sex. I know podcastes, maybe you realize that we really need to talk about it often. Couples who talk about it tend to have more incredible sex and more pleasurable sex. And reminding everybody that the couples who do talk about a lot had a defensive conversation likely in the beginning and they moved past that conversation and they were able to actually get past the shame, past the stress of it, and realize that you're both there for the same reason to have connected meaningful sex that can go the distance. And remember that it takes two to tango. If you are spending all your time thinking about how she doesn't compare to your past lovers,

it sounds like you've already kind of decided, nope, this is just the way it is, it's not gonna work. That's probably reflecting in your actions and how you're treating her. It doesn't sound like you're doing the work to improve the sex life aside from that one conversation, which I do commend you for.

It is so hard to talk about sex and relationships. It is so hard, and I think you're right that the more we spend our time building the case, a lot of us have negativity bias and this plays out in relationships as well. We're thinking of negative thoughts, right? Our brain just defaults to the negative. It does, it's our survival mechanism from our ancestors. We just are scanning the environment for what's wrong, but when this happens in a relationship, it can be almost detrimental and hard to get out of these situations.

So we almost need five positives to one negative. What are the positive things? Can you sort of think about things that you do like about this relationship? Sexual experiences that you have like with there are other things that you appreciate about her. Because in our minds, we can create great cases for why it's not gonna work and why you have to move on.

And if we don't have a healthy experience of talking about sex, I guarantee you you're going to get into the next relationship and you might just find yourself in the same position. So you've been together for five years and I always think before you decide to leave a relationship, make sure that you've done everything you can to see if it could work. And that would include a healthier conversation with her about your sex life and trying to remember the things that you did fall in love with when your sex life was great and trying to have the conversation with her in that spirit. In the spirit of, let's try to come together and find ways that this can work. Let's see how we can be great

lovers to each other. Let's talk about some of our turn-ons and what's worked for us. Let's try some new things to see if we are really compatible. And you'd have these conversations and you decide to do all the things I talk about on the show. You said that you listen to the show, so that yes, no, maybe less scheduling sex, talking about your fantasies and desires and all the things. And even yet, still, after you do all of that,

she still isn't into it, the sex isn't great. Well, then you can say, okay, I've tried. But right now I still think there's some important work to do in this relationship. Well done. Thank you so much for your question. Okay, keep us posted. Don't reminisce on the past because we've got one more juicy call in the future. So make sure to stick around after a quick break for our sponsors. But before then, I do want to mention that if you do want to get your hands on this Play Drop Sex Matt, I love it. I recommend it to Mallory and I could help you up with that if you do want to get your hands on this Play Drop Sex mat, I love it.

I recommend it to Mallory and I can help you up with one if you want it. Go to playdropmats.com, use code Emily Tenet, check out for 10% off. Oh, and they're also throwing in this bonus Play Rag worth $25. Get one of those and you don't have to worry about sex being messy, just pleasurable. Emily Ten for 10% off and a bonus play rag at PlayDropMats.com. All right everyone, be right back. So I moved into a new house last year and had to buy some new furniture. Of course, the biggest and most stressful furniture piece is this sofa. Because let's be honest,

it's the one thing you can't really screw up. It's got to fit your space, be cute, be comfy, it's a whole thing. That's why cozy is the sofa company you need to know about. They make ordering a sofa online so simple. Cozy has four collections of modular sofas so you can buy one doubt to fit your immediate needs and grow it over time. By adding seats and modules, you could adapt your sofa so that it fits every room, every lifestyle, every chapter of your life. So here's how it works. Select your favorite design and cozy's website.

Choose the perfect configuration for your space, then choose your color. It gets delivered to your door free in two to five days. Do you know how long other places take? They take a long time. Two to five days is a miracle. They're a Canadian company that ships to Canada and the US. Kozy offers a 30-day trial

so you could have plenty of time to make sure your piece truly works. No wonder they have over 3550 five-star reviews. Visit kozy.ca to order a free set of fabric swatches and get started on sofa shopping. That's C0ZEY.CA and enjoy free shipping on all orders. C0Z, keep it simple. This is Chloe 34 in California.

Hi, Emily. My name is Chloe and I'm third-year-old. I live in Los Angeles. I recently started seeing a guy who's very into taboo play and he specifically writes brothers to play. And I told him I'm not really into that. He doesn't want to sit on me. We actually haven't really fully done it because he doesn't really like to do it if I'm not in it or like any partner. So we're really done it. I told him I should maybe do like step bothering sister because I don't have those until it's not as weird, but he really likes the brother sister dynamic and the whole like incest vibe kind of concerns me.

And I'm personally just kind of curious like where that tink even comes from. Part of me is like concern. He might have been abused as a child and that we're not close enough by any means to even really have that discussion. I was just wondering kind of what your thoughts were on. That's what the big taboo t where it might come from. And if you have any suggestions for those of us who may have partners who are into it, we are really sure where the start or where a boundary might be. Thank you.

All right, Chloe. I love the US's question for many reasons. First off, I could ask this question a lot. People ask me, friends ask me like, what is it with all these daughter and daddy's sleeping together and incest porn? Is it like, why is this such a trend right now? Does it mean that people are doing this? What does it mean? Like, it's sort of the most taboo, like, really for many of us just out there thing we can think of. And we're like,

what does this say about our society that it's trending and so popular? Have you ever had these thoughts about it, Erica? I find it very interesting as well. No shame, but it is interesting. It is interesting. Yes. I like what does that mean? Is it because I've literally, I mean, and I'm going to give you some of the research here in some of the studies,

but in my mind, I like, is it because there's a word? Forrest families now, and there's more step families at this, actually, a fantasy that's happening. Or is it people who have experienced incest? Like, what is the root of it? I think that's what divorced families now. And there's more step families at this actually a fantasy that's happening. Or is it people who have experienced incest? Like what is the root of it? I think that's what she's asking. It's called faux-cest porn. And it has been trending in recent years.

There's been studies that show the states that are actually more sexually repressed and have more laws against sex and are just maybe more conservative. They find that in those states, there's more use of this porn, more search. More people watch they find that in those states, there's more use of this porn more search. More people watch incest porn in those states.

Which speaks to the fact that this is highly taboo. I mean, this is the top of all taboo's, this incest. Like, oh my god, once we start to escalate our porn watching, this might be somewhere we go. Like, now that's the most extreme thing. And then that gets linked up at our brain. And it's like, this is so extreme that it's actually really hot and really pushing the boundary

because you know, few sexual acts are really as extreme or as deviant as incest. Now remember this about porn, there's a lot of fantasies for that matter. There's a lot of things that we like to watch or that we like to think about that we would never want to do in our personal lives. And so that's why we like porn and that's why we have fantasies because we think it's

an outlet for these extreme thoughts or fantasies that I have that I'm not really going to do for having used it as fodder for my arousal, which is, you know, healthy. However, I also understand your concerns. Does it mean that this person has a history of it? And there have been studies that have shown that it's really not related, that there is no correlation between people who have experienced incest and who are into incest porn, that it really just became trending. And there were some saying, is it like a chicken and egg thing?

Is it because people want it, that the porn industry is supplying it or the porn industry is supplying it, and we want it? And there again, there hasn't been a lot of like conclusive doubt around it, and what it all says though, really, it's more of like these are extreme taboo things to watch. We might be so oversaturated with certain kinds of porn that just people just have in sex and the pizza guy delivering a pizza to the isn't enough anymore. So this gives us a whole nother level of extreme porn to watch. And so, you know, what do you do that if you're a partner? So if your partner is really into it and it's not your jam, well, first of all, I want to say that I like that she was like, I might be in just step-brother.

She's just a step-brother. He's like, nope, it has to be blood related. And that's a little bit confusing, especially with extreme fantasies. For example, like we always say that if someone has a threesome fantasy, sometimes it doesn't have to happen in real life, you can just talk about it and you can compromise. You can say, like, let's talk about the threesome before we actually have a threesome, if ever. And so in this case, I think this compromise was really fair. Let's say, can we just treat the roles here and he's still not into it. So, you know, I think that you should never do anything

in a relationship that doesn't make you comfortable, especially if this is a huge turnoff for you, you don't have to do it at all. First, if this makes sense to you, it makes you feel a little bit better because that necessarily means that something's wrong with him and he's at a kink. He's just used to watching this porn.

Maybe you can kind of get into it and see if it's your thing, try it once. But again, if not, not your thing, you don't have to try it. But I understand your concern. And I would all say, have a talk with them about it. Ask them in a very open, compassionate, curious tone. Tell me more about this fantasy. When do you first remember having it?

Where did it come from? What does it make you feel? Walk me through why it's hot for you and me to be in it. And maybe, just maybe, when he describes us to Chloe, the source of his arousal and where it came from and why would we have for both of you, that might be enough for you to say, you know what, I'll try it.

But just gather more information. We're always allowed to get curious when our partner gives us some information that we're not really sure about like we would do in any scenario That's not sex we get curious we have Clarifying questions and I recommend that you do this here and then you get to make your decision about what you want to do next Thanks Chloe That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationship, call my hotline 559

Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com-ask-emily. Special thanks to A-CAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.