Sex With Emily - Hotline Calls: Better Oral & Honeymoon Sex

Episode Date: November 12, 2024

On today’s show, I am answering all of your pressing calls from the Sex with Emily hotline! We get into some great topics like how to start enjoying receiving oral sex, ways to spice up your honeymoon sex without actual penetration, and what to do if you aren’t getting as wet as you used to during sex. Plus, new methods for giving oral sex to prevent discomfort and how to decide if it’s worth staying in your relationship after seven years (and three children). In this episode, you’ll learn: Oral sex tips to prevent discomfort How to make your wedding night intimate without penetration How to build confidence with communication Show Notes: Join the SmartSX Membership: Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. Practice love every day with Paired, the #1 app for couples. Download the app at https://www.paired.com/SWE  Yes! No! Maybe? List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides.  SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website  Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok | Threads | YouTube Let’s text: Sign up here Want me to slide into your email inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com

I love this question because this is where the juice is. There are so many exciting things that you can do that can either build arousal towards penetration, allow you to explore each other's bodies and figure out what feels good for both of you. If you have a sex life that's just focused on penetration, that's going to get really old real fast. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. On today's show, I'm answering all of your pressing calls from the Sex with Emily hotline.

We get into so many topics like how to really start enjoying receiving oral sex, ways to spice up your honeymoon and make it extra memorable, what to do if you aren't getting as what as you're used to during sex and how to explain that to a partner, plus new methods for giving oral sex to prevent discomfort. You know, a lot of times we get into positions during sex and we actually experience pain. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It just helps get the show out to more people

and it only takes a few seconds. You can do it right now. You can also find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, X, Facebook, all at Sex with Emily. And check out my new articles, How to Have a Full Body Orgasm, Seven Tricks to Try, and Embarrassing Questions, Kink and BDSM edition on SexWithEmily.com.

Before we dive into the episode, if you haven't heard the news, I have to tell you about my brand new membership community, Smart SX. It is officially live and I've had a blast the last few weeks. Because this membership is everything I've ever dreamed of and more. We're talking exclusive content, interactive workshops with top minds in sexual health, there's polls, and so much more. All made for the membership community. But honestly, my favorite part is the community. It's a safe space where like-minded people support each other, they're sharing experiences, they're breaking down all the

taboos around sex and intimacy, it's truly empowering. So if you're ready to really bring more pleasure into your sex life and take the steps, Smart SX is for you. So join the pleasure revolution today. Just head over to SexWithEmily.com, click on the membership tab, or head straight to SexWithEmily.com slash Smart SX. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. I love my sponsors on Sex with Emily, but one of my favorite companies to work with is Vaya. When I tell you that you can walk into any room in my house and find a bottle of their Vaya gummies, it's true.

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So do yourself and your health a favor and check it out. My first caller is Katie, 26, who wants to know how she can learn to enjoy receiving oral sex. Hi, Katie. I just got back into the dating world, going out, very confident, having sex. But one thing I have never really enjoyed was receiving oral sex. I love to give it. I feel comfortable in my body,

but again, I don't really enjoy it, but I want to. So I'm trying to figure out like, what can I be doing maybe to find it more pleasurable? Okay, so that's such a great question, Katie. Do you have pleasure in other ways? Do you have orgasms through? Oh yeah, I mean, I don't have any problems like receiving orgasms, which is great because I know a lot of people can struggle with that.

You know, I like foreplay, but I can say that when receiving oral sex, I don't have any orgasms. So I kind of feel like maybe it's just pointless in a sense. Well, there's many women that I found in my career, they're able to orgasm through penetration, and oral sex feels uncomfortable to them. And so maybe that's you. Okay, so that might be you, Katie. Maybe there's nothing you're doing wrong.

I'm telling you, it's this weird, like it has to do with our anatomy and the way we were born. It's literally how close your clitoris is to your vaginal opening. It's all legit science. So I think that could be it. So I'm not going to force you to do anything that you don't want to do, but maybe there's a way that your partner, because some partners really enjoy performing oral. And that's so funny. It's like, oh, it's like because it's rare. I mean I hear from people like you. Exactly. Super rare. I never hear about it. You know, people

don't maybe don't like giving, but I'm over here on the receiving end and I'm like I'm just not crazy about it. That could be why. That could be it. But how you can make it more pleasurable is maybe you want a finger inside you or maybe you want them to use a toy on you while they're also going down on you. So kind of experiment with it. Yes experiment with it and make it work for you. Like if they're just like licking in ways don't feel good. I mean, it really is a practice. I wouldn't have known when I was first.

Yeah, maybe the guy doesn't know what he's doing. I don't know. He probably doesn't. I don't know either. Katie, no one knows what they're doing. I'm telling you, I mean, even people who are experienced, let's say every time you've got a vulva in front of you, it's different.

We're all like snowflakes, we're all different. And you're 26 years old, I don't know how old the guys you're dating, but they just don't have as much experience. But even again, I always say this, but guys in their 40s also sometimes don't have as much experience. So every time you're with a new partner

is a great time to let them know what you like. Explore that, maybe. Yes, explore it together, let them know what you're into, what feels good. And then take it from there. That's what I would recommend, but you're not broken, there's nothing wrong with you, but yes, absolutely. This is a, I hear this all the time, so just yeah, learning and be honest with them and tell them that that's what you heard from Sex with Emily. Exactly, that's what I will say. I'll be like, listen, Sex with Emily. Yeah. She knows. She knows what's up and then explore with them. Okay, Katie?

Yes, I do. Awesome. Emily, thank you so much. I appreciate you. Of course. Yeah. And I love your podcast. Thank you. Have a great day. Thanks, Katie. All right. You too. Bye. Bye. I do get this question from time to time that there are different kinds of vulva owners. Some just don't want to receive oral because they have shame about their body or they don't think their partner wants to be doing it or they don't know how to relax into it.

But again, there are these women that they have very sensitive clitorises. They can have the orgasm during penetration, but it's just that oral sex doesn't feel as great to them. So nothing wrong with you if this is happening. So yeah, so figure out which kind of oval of owner you are. Now, if you're the one who has the shame around it and all that, that's something that I would definitely work on by getting comfortable with your body, taking baby steps with a partner,

letting them know that maybe you're not as comfortable with it and what would feel good to you. And you know all of this is very helpful when you have a healthy masturbation practice to understand your body and what feels good so you can explain that to a partner. Next up we've got Ari, who's 32 32 and she's trying to spice up her upcoming wedding night but there's a twist they can't have penetrative sex. Hey Ari!

Hi! How are you? I'm good how are you? I'm good I'm just on my break at work. Perfect! Yeah. Okay. So my fiance and I are getting married really soon. And my fiance is waiting to get a kidney transplant, which I'm super thankful for. It's going really well. He's in as good of health as he can be. So I'm really grateful. But I'm a little nervous about our wedding night because a lot of the meds he's on just don't allow like sexual activity to always happen. And at first it was really hard for me to overcome and accept the change in our sex life. And now, like two and a half years into this, we're in a good place about it.

But, you know, there's like a lot of pressure around the wedding night. And prior to this big change in his health we're very sexually active couple and we make it happen when we can but a lot of the meds he's on just it just doesn't always allow it to happen right and so I'm just kind of wondering like some tips and tricks to still have like a an intimate night together if it just can't happen. Does that make sense? Yes, absolutely.

Well, congratulations first of all. Thank you. Yeah, I totally get that. I mean that makes sense and really it's about connection that night and so when you talk about like the adventurous sex you had in the past like what do you miss because I'm trying to think if I could give you some ideas that could sort of simulate that even if he isn't able to. Can he not get an erection? Yeah.

That kind of thing. Like he feels the urge. His body chemistry just isn't allowing it to happen. Okay. You could give each other massages. You could get some really beautiful massage candles and you could light it and give him a massage. He can give you a massage just to get into your bodies after what will probably be a

beautiful but maybe stressful, tiring day of having a wedding. And so I love massage candles. Those are awesome. You could play some games. There's some great sex games also, like there's some question and answer games, you know, that could kind of lead to other sexual activities. You could use some toys. Have you used toys together yet? We have used toys together. I think that like, as we're talking, I guess what I'm finding I'm a

little more concerned about is how to make it, if he can't have an erection, how to make it an intimate, positive experience for him because I feel like, I feel like I'm always getting taken care of right now which I am not complaining about On our wedding night. I kind of want it to be like a both of us thing even if sex can't happen Okay, thank you for clarifying that what about have you ever tried anal plan him? Oh my Yes, like during oral sex Okay, well, maybe you could I mean since you can't have oral sex, I mean I would recommend getting a butt plug

or there's like a great, Bee Vibe makes this great beginner anal kit and it's a beautiful kit that has great tips about anal sex and it's like builds up from different butt plugs from different sizes. Maybe you could, if you'd be willing to experiment with something like that, I mean he probably could still feel pleasure

in his prostate and if you can't get an erection. And so that could be, I know that's a lot on the wedding night, maybe you'd have to clear it with him beforehand, but that could be really fun. I like the idea of a massage. I don't want him to get like frustrated through sex if he can't get hard, but I'm just thinking body touch sensations, kissing, like slowing everything down, spending a lot of time touching different parts of his body.

Yeah. And I think that like, spending time like slowing down touching parts of his body is like a really good suggestion. Literally every night, since we've started staying the night together, three, four years ago, it's always will you tickle my back? Or like every single night. And I love touch. So I always say yes.

So maybe like I like the idea of the massage candle, maybe just like switching up how we massage and touch before bed is a really good idea. Yeah, I think that's great. And you know what you could also get? There's some great touch, if you're into touch, there's some great, they're like finger caps you put on your fingers and they have these little

pointers on them, so they're like nails that you put on yourself. fingers and they have these little pointers on them. So they're like nails that you put on yourself. And you can scratch himself with them and you can just kind of like use this. So you could give him a really special massage where he's just, maybe you put a blindfold on him and he's on his stomach. And then you could play with the warmth

of the massage candle. You could use these little finger caps that you put on with like little nails. You could even use a toy on his back. So I think that if he likes tickling his back just to kind of expand that and just be about like worshiping his body everywhere, that feels good right now for him.

Yeah. So sensations are great, playing with ice too, like having some ice cubes by the bed. Can you touch his penis still? Yes. Can he feel anything? Oh yeah, absolutely. Okay, good, because that might feel,

again, I'm thinking about sensations that might feel good without the pressure to have an erection, but just to kind of please him. So usually, temperature play is what I'm talking about, and just playing with him. And you could even get a feather, a necklace, you could drag on his back. There's just sensations,

just giving him a really special massage, get some of his favorite foods, play some music and set the mood. Okay. Something that makes you feel sexy. Do a little strip. Yeah. Awesome. All right.

Congratulations and have fun. Have fun with it. I think he's going to be so happy that you thought about this ahead of time. Yeah. Awesome. Well, thank you so much. You're so nice to talk with about this ahead of time. Yeah. Awesome. Well, thank you so much. You're so nice to talk with.

You're so welcome. Of course. I appreciate it. Bye. Bye. I love this question because even if you're not getting married and trying to create a special night or one of you are unable to have penetration right now, to have penetrative sex, this is where the juice is.

There are so many exciting things that you can do that can either build arousal towards penetration, allow you to explore each other's bodies and figure out what feels good for both of you. And so I just think that making this kind of play part of your relationship is the thing that's going to keep it interesting and hot. If you have a sex life that's just focused on penetration, that's gonna get really old real fast.

My next caller is Liz 25 who's got some oral questions. Hello! Hi Liz, how are you? I'm good, how are you? I'm good. Thank you so much for calling in. Yeah, oh my gosh, of course. Thank you for doing what you do. Yes. Okay, so tell me what's going on. Yeah, so my boyfriend has been sort of noticing and complaining about having like a swollen tongue after oral sex, like which of course like deters him from, you know, wanting to do it because it's kind of painful for him. And I guess I was just wondering like, is that a normal thing? Do other people have that? Like what the heck is it?

Okay, well how long have you guys been together? We've been together for four years. Okay, and it happens every time? Yeah. Okay. You know, are they little, does he get sores or get swollen? What does it look like? Yeah, it's like, it's not sores like it's not an STD or anything like that, but it's

just like the bottom of his tongue is swollen. Okay, okay. I mean, there could be, is he going very hard? Like, is he using a lot of pressure? I guess, yes. Okay, because my first thing was like, it could be an STD. Like it could be something like that. So I would definitely get you both tested.

I know you've been together for four years, but hopefully you get tested and you know that it's not that because you can get some kind of, you know, it could be a yeast infection, syphilis or gonorrhea. You can take antibiotics to treat those. But have you also asked him, has it ever happened with another partner?

Does it ever happen when you eat certain foods? Cause like sometimes I eat acidic foods and my tongue swells like I'll have lots of fruit. I think that I have asked him if it has happened with people in the past and I think that it has. I'm not sure about food though. I don't think so. Now what it looks like to me,

cause obviously, you know, I went on it in a rabbit hole. Of course. You know, I'm not trying to hate on him, but his bottom teeth are like a little crooked. And so it kind of looks like the part of his tongue that's like connected to the mouth. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah yeah. It kind of looks like it like gets caught in his teeth. Oh yeah. It's not like... Oh yes okay okay that makes sense so it's

like getting he's like uh and then this right so that's getting caught in his teeth that makes so much sense. That's what I think, right? Now, obviously I thought I was going crazy, so I wasn't sure, but. Do you like the way he's going down on you? Like, does it feel good? Yes.

Okay, so I would say that he could find a position where he's minimizing this pressure, because he could, if he's leaning more forward, like if you're lying flat on the bed, or if you're like lying on the edge of the bed, and he could be down on his knees, or you could elevate in some way with like a wedge underneath you.

So he's not like in between your legs, and he's not like going up and out, but you know, maybe you're standing. Like to me, it's a position thing, or get his teeth fixed. But I wonder if he could even put, this might sound silly, but I remember when I had braces, there was like wax you could put in your teeth.

So the braces didn't hurt. No, I totally. It totally sounds like he's cutting out his teeth, especially cause you're showing me it's the bottom of his tongue. Yes. Yeah. That's what I recommend.

And get tested. I know you've been together for a long time, but I would say that that would be something to get tested for. But if it's that same part, that's probably what it is. You already know. Yeah. Yeah. So positioning could be the edge of the bed.

He could kneel in front of you. You could put your feet on his shoulders, too. So he could you're more elevated. So he's not I don't know what position he's in now, but whatever he's doing, it's just like, he's applying too much pressure. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Makes a lot of sense.

Okay, good Liz. So that's, we got that out of the way. So what else? Just kind of like a follow-up that it, you know, it takes me like a pretty long time to like have an orgasm, which then also contributes to like him going down on me for, you know, for what seems like forever. How long is it? Do you know? Do you ever look at the clock? No. It feels like 45 minutes but that could just be a total. I could just be making that up. Okay well I mean the thing is it takes

women about between 20 and 40 minutes to orgasm so that's common and that's why also that's but he sounds like he's very motivated and very driven so So he's just going at it and he's hurting himself. So also he can take a breath. Maybe there's some breathing you could do together. He could stop. He could go back to it. Maybe you go down on him and he comes back. It doesn't have to be the straightforward 40 minutes, but yeah, that's, that's how

long it can take. And I love that he's willing to go the distance, but having that tongue swell thing is not, is not ideal. So I think just talking to him about it and finding a position, you could even play with positions. Let's try to find before you settle in, let's make you comfortable here. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Because honestly, it's just pretty standard positioning. Then exactly what you're saying, we're just doing it for the whole time straight and not really adding. Yeah. He's super driven to do it. I love that he's going at it for a long time, but that's what we need, you know? That's what a lot of us need. So yeah, let me know how that goes.

Positioning, maybe something in his teeth, little wax. Perfect. Thanks Liz. I so appreciate you. Thanks for calling in. Yeah, I appreciate you. Yeah, this was so fun. I agree. Keep me posted.

I will. Okay. Have a great day. Thank you. Yeah, this was so fun. I agree. Keep me posted. I will. Okay, have a great day. Thank you. Thanks Liz. Bye. I love when these questions come in about positioning because that's really what it is. Sometimes we just get so caught up in the moment

and then we're like, oh my God, my neck hurts. My elbow hurts. My foot fell asleep. We don't have to be uncomfortable when we're having sex. So sometimes props, using a wedge, using a pillow, and just stopping for a minute and saying like this is about being embodied and knowing what is feeling good and what's happening in your body at any moment. And so finding ways to get into comfortable positions

for both of you, this is part of what makes sex fun. It's kind of fun and playful to say I'm not that comfortable, you know, let me take a move here, let me, let me grab a pillow. I think that we're so sometimes afraid to talk about sex that we just think we have to suffer through the weird parts or suffer through like being uncomfortable or hurting ourselves. But there's a lot of great workarounds using pillows or wedges or sitting on the couch instead of on the bed or standing instead of sitting. So think about ways that you can improve positions or sex acts that you're doing right now just by a little switch of you know moving your

legs or moving your body. Sometimes there's like quick fixes that can really help in the long term. I'm going to take a quick break to hear from our sponsors but after I talked to Jessica who's 22 and she's dealing with some dryness during sex. Well I'm here to help. I'll be right back. ["Dryness"] ["Dryness"] ["Dryness"] ["Dryness"] ["Dryness"]

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I've got Jessica 22. She's got questions about dryness. Hi Jessica. Hello. Hi Jessica. How are you? Hi Emily. I look so crazy. I'm a graduate student so I'm like midterm season. Oh my god. Totally looking crazy. Congratulations. Grad school. That's exciting. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Okay. Okay. So tell me what's going on. Basically I am in a really I've been in a relationship for about three years now with my boyfriend and the whole relationship honestly, I'm like so chill. He's like my best friend, two peas in a pod. I did lose my virginity to him and he is a little bit older than me. So you know, he was really respectful about it and you know, kind of coached me through

everything but it's kind of gotten to a point a little bit where it's okay now we're trying to work towards a connection and I still don't really know what to do. Like I feel like I want him and I'm like I feel like I am a very sexual person but then it like comes to actually doing something and I'm like like I get so awkward and And recently too, I've been dealing with, this is like Tammy, but I gotta tell you, it's basically yeast infections. And so it's been causing the vaginal dryness for like since the beginning of this year. He's been going through some stress at work on top of that.

I'm going through my graduate school stress. And so I feel like all of that combined, he didn't know that I was like having these infections. So in the bedroom, he was kind of like, why am I not turning her on? And I should have explained that to him. But now it's kind of gotten to a point where he's like, Jess, I really want to have a connection with you,

but I don't know if it's your personality or like, I feel like sexually we're not connecting. I feel like that's really important in a relationship. And I'm like, yeah, I agree, 1000%. I think that's important too. But obviously I'm dealing with the infection. It's clearing up now. But now I'm kind of just like, how do I because now it's kind of getting awkward. You know, it's just like, I get really nervous now. I'm not as confident in bed now with him. Like, okay. It just feels and then I tried to like spice things up and you know I went to I went and

got like the silk ropes I was like oh maybe you could tie me up we could switch up and he's like oh no like I want more of a connection I'm not like the type to do that you know okay and I was like maybe you could like talk me through it more he's like okay like I tried to talk about it outside of the bedroom and be like you know what do you like and he kind of was like no no we'll do that inside the bedroom so it's kind of like at that stage and I'm like, this is, I feel like it's so fixable. And I'm like, this is so frustrating because it's such a good relationship.

And it's like, this can't possibly be like the- Right. There's always gonna be something in a long-term relationship. So you've been together three years. So you're right where you need to be. There's always gonna be something. And usually a lot of times it has to do with sex.

So then you're 22, right? Yes. And how old is he? He is 27. Okay. Okay. And so when you say that you start, so you've been together three years, how did you feel that at the beginning you were more confident?

You know, it was still the beginning. I, again, I did lose my Virginia to him. I like grew up in a really strict household on top of that. Like I, so I was like, nose in the books. I feel like even in high school, like I went to an all girls Catholic school. Like I did not, I really didn't have like the freedom six. I don't know if that's important. Like at that age you're supposed to explore, but I was like, nose in the books, like didn't really have any experience except like making out with. But I was like, nose in the books, like didn't really have any experience except like making out with people.

That was it, you know? Of course, no. And then you've been with him for a year since you graduated essentially, a year after you graduated. So I would first say go easy on yourself. There's no way that you would know what to do if you haven't, he's your first partner

and it's been three years and you're like, okay, we've done all the things, now what? So I do think it's something that I would love him to feel comfortable talking to you about it outside the bedroom. I get that he wasn't because for most, he probably doesn't know what to say either. So I recommend finding some tools.

You know what, I don't know if you guys would be into this, but BELESSA is they make this ethical porn. It's porn that is like hot for all genders and it shows real body types. It's super sexy. At the name ethical and porn makes it sound not hot. But maybe you guys could watch some stuff together like and say like, oh, that's hot, that's not hot.

Like just, this is where I love porn, especially porn that I know that many vulva owners are like, oh, that's really hot. There's like more romance, there's a plot. There's more, and you just might need some more like data. You might need some more external information. I mean, I love that you listened to the podcast. I think like porn that's done right

could be a great tool for you. And talking about, he probably doesn't know either, even if he's a few years older. I mean, probably his first really long-term serious relationship, he hasn't been experimenting. And so, even if you say to him, like what are the three most memorable times we've had sex? And then you answer and he answers,

you're gonna find there's some really great sort of sexual DNA in there. Like he's gonna tell you, like, oh, it was that time that, you know, you came home and surprised me and did something, or was that unexpected time? You'll start to hear patterns and then you can think about it for you too, like when were you the most turned on?

But I think if you can get him to agree that you're both exploring and learning and growing together and it's something that you, I mean, if this is someone you're gonna be with, it's really important for couples to have a growth mindset around sex and to agree that it's something that they're gonna prioritize and talk about.

Cause you don't have to fix it all on your own. And it sounds like a lot with like stress and your Catholic upbringing and yeast infections. Yeah. It's also, and I feel bad because I also like, I feel like it was kind of my fault cause I didn't explain to him like what was going on. Cause also as a woman, I just didn't want to be like,

think about yeast infection. I don't really know why I'm super clean. Like I don't, you know, but like just didn't want to be like, you got a yeast infection. I don't really know why, I'm super clean. Like I don't, you know. But like I have to sit and be like, it's not you, you know? And I feel like that was really hard for him to wrap his mind around because he had convinced himself so much. Like, you know.

We just don't have information. The thing is, and now you know, like I think maybe when I was your age, I might not have said I had yeast infection. I'm like, that's so not sexy. But now as you get older, like every guy, many guys I know have been with women who get yeast infections or bladder infections, UTIs,

which sounds sexier than a yeast infection, but it's all the same thing, right? So I just think this is a learning experience for you, Jessica, and this is your first serious relationship and first relationship, it sounds like, with sex. So you're exactly where you need to be. And I would just recommend, really, where you need to be. And I would just recommend really like it's okay. And I know that you feel bad, but it's not your

50% of the relationship. And so I don't know how else to convince them. Like the fact that you're dry, it could be the yeast infection. It could just be like, are you on the birth control pill or anything? No, no, no. It genuinely was. I was going to like this male gynecologist, he treated me like a number, so he wasn't treating it well. And then, but now I've got a good gyno. So good. Good. So that's what you need. And then you always use lube too. You know how I feel about lube. Just use lube every time. And I know I get, he's probably not going to understand that because so many penis owners think that if you have to use lube or they're partners that wet has to do with them,

but I am telling you, it is not related. Of course you're turned on and into them, but it sounds like maybe you guys could listen to the show together. You could call back in together. We could do a session, but I think that, you know, making sure that you're also comfortable. Like, are you having orgasms on your own? Are you masturbating? Are you doing things that keep you? Yeah, see, that's also another thing is there's only one way I can make myself orgasm. That's it. And I'm like, is that an issue too? Like, is that, there's only one way I can make myself orgasm, that's it. And I'm like, is that an issue too? Like, is that, if there's only one way, but I'm like, there's different positions

that we do in the bed. Like it's, you know. What's that position? Is it during penetration? Oh no, it's just like clitoral stimulation, that's it. And if it's like one position, and I'm like, is that a bad thing? Like, do I need to explore it?

Like, it's like, is it a muscle? Is it like? Well, it does help. All of that helps. Anything that we can do to pay attention to our pelvic floor, that's literally, you're strengthening your pelvic floor, which is important, but it's the muscles that are responsible for orgasm.

So if you're doing kegels or you're masturbating or you're like exploring and maybe you're slowing things down, I mean I think that sometimes we yeah we do there's nothing wrong with me. I love that you can orgasm with one position. I mean only 20% of women can orgasm during penetration. So the fact that you even have one position I want to like tell you that that's that's great. Like that's more than many women. So there's nothing wrong with that but I just think Jessica it's about playing maybe sometimes taking sex off the table and not making it just about penetration. Because that's how you learn about what

feels good to you. And sometimes with his mouth or fingers or using toys together. And also that just like it's something new. So if the same positions after three years is getting boring, I'll bet you could probably find other positions that would allow you to have pleasure at orgasms, but it's just like exploring together Yeah, yeah finding new positions using his hands using lube. You're both learning together Yeah saying that but that's what it is. There's no problems here No, okay

Okay, it makes me feel better, you know, but the doctor was like, try to not have intercourse just you're gonna you're gonna bug it. Good. Knock it out. And so I'm like, okay, so I told him and he's very respectful of these things. So like, I was like, okay, maybe like in these 14 days, I can, we can explore new things without like going just just for these 14 days. And he was okay, I just really hope it gets fixed soon and it's just kind of like that could be really really hot like just like making out giving each other a massage teasing I mean so many women like if you're clitoris I know he said don't have sex but what if he touches you all around yeah clitoris and you tease together you

play together you know give each other mass. Like I just think that that's a great idea, but again, he probably hasn't been in relationships or situations where someone said that to him and he's all about the penetration. Yeah, that's what I think too. Like he definitely wasn't a, he also wasn't a long-term serious relationship before me so I'm like, you know, maybe like I really don't think, I don't like to think about like the past as much, but I'm like, okay, maybe like for her, it was just easier and she didn't deal with most of these things and you know, like now I'm here

and it's like all very new to me, you know? I, yeah, I would try to not do that as much as you can to think about the past and she was a great lover because he's not with her anymore. Yeah. I would just try to like talk to him about, again, it's really is more about talking and seeing if he is someone who's comfortable talking about sex.

It's a practice. And if he's never done it, I get why he's saying no, or that's weird, but like that's sounds like something that you want and you need. Like that's, and we all need it. So it's making it safe and comfortable for him. Are there things that you've been wanting

to try in the bedroom? Do you have any fantasies or things that are interesting to you? I do agree. Like within the three years, it has been a lot more like routine now, you know, and I'm sure that's like a part of it. And he is like super stressed on like, I don't want to, you know, but no, no, it's like, no, I want you to be more dominant. Like I don't want to just be in the bed and I, you bed. I try to tell them that, but it's kind of like, oh, I'm tired. It's kind of like that phase where it's just like,

I'm tired. You're like, okay. Right, right. Exactly. That is the phase that you're in, but that's something that, this is what happens in so many couples, like, oh, it's a phase and we're not gonna deal with it now.

But if you're into being more dominant, sometimes guys don't really know what that means or how to do it. So reading erotica together or listening to erotica like Tri Quinn or fighting, you can even find scenes that you think are hot and show him so he knows. And this notion that we all think that sex is supposed to be great all the time. I used to think in my 20s too, like if I was with someone for two years, I would say it starts to get boring of two and a half years and I would just end it

because I just thought that that means that we're not supposed to be together. I didn't know. I didn't have the information I had now. So what I'm telling you is this is exactly what happens. This is what happens in every relationship. And so how are you guys going to problem solve together? It's okay not to know, but finding information and educating yourselves together and finding

different things that are hot, doing our yes, no, maybe list on our website, which you can download for free, has all these sex acts on it. It has like 79 different sex things. It's like kissing and spanking and. We need that. Right? And because I try to give people information

because you guys, how would you even know what's on the menu? We're just like, this is all I know. You don't know what's on the menu. That's why I'm telling you like, you guys could do it as a date night one night and say, okay, when you come over, we're gonna do this thing. And you can print it out, or you could do it online

and just say, like, which one of these is hot for you? What's the memorable times we've had sex? And just because what we're missing in long-term relationships is because when we become so close to someone, think about it, like, think of a fire. Fire requires air, right, oxygen to keep it going. And if you're so close with someone, right, you sort of, you don't, you have that lack of oxygen,

you can't create that passion and that heat anymore. So what we crave in relationships is a little bit of space, that's what the air comes in, but also variety, novelty, it's something new. So it's like even talking about it can be a great turn on, can enhance arousal, and then finding different tools. So doing the estimated list, like thinking about different ways and positions

and places you could have sex, things that you could wear, things that you can act out. That's why people do it. It doesn't mean that relationship is broken. It just means that everything gets a little boring after a while, everything gets stale. We do the same exercise over and over again. You know, we become stagnant in our growth, our body, if we're trying to like

build muscle, like you do the same exercise, you know, you plateau, you plateau. So you're almost like I've plateaued, but that's not a problem. The thing you have to do is both agree that you want to find a solution together and how and you present it this way, Jessica, like, oh, I'm so excited. Like, let's explore together. Let's figure out what's hot for us. Like sucks with Emily said that she's got this yes, no, oh, I'm so excited. Let's explore together. Let's figure out what's hot for us. Like, Sucks With Emily said that she's got this yes, no, maybe list.

Let's each go to her website and pull out an article that we want to read to each other. Because there's so many great articles on the site about every topic you can imagine. So you might have to drive it, like bring the fodder. But once most guys try this, I believe that they're like, they realize it's not about them being bad lovers. You're not saying you want to break up with them. You're not saying the relationship's

doomed. It's like, I just want to work together and here's some stimuli to keep it going. Okay. Okay. Okay. Literally, breath of fresh air. This was perfect. Seriously, thank you so much. And honestly, like thank you for creating a space, especially for people like me who like came with this such strict upper game like only till marriage you know what i mean it's like it's not the same anymore everyone's different obviously you know to each their own but like seriously thank you for creating a space like this like it is my pleasure talk about things thank you for being brave enough to call in and for sharing your story there are so many people

in your boat and your story will absolutely help them and resonate. So thank you. All righty. Okay, talk to you soon. Have a good day. Keep me posted. Bye, Jessica. Bye. Okay, so Jessica brings up a lot of great points. You know, first of all, a lot of us grew up in homes

where it wasn't celebrated to be sexual. It wasn't okay to be sexual. You know, she explained that she went to Catholic high school. So that's something that we're constantly have to look at and say, do those messages still serve me? Obviously not, cause Jessica's decided that

she wants to be sexual outside of marriage. It's really about finding a partner that has a growth mindset around sex. Somebody that is interested in learning and growing and not giving up. Like I could see Jessica's frustration. I could hear it. She's a fixer. But remember there's two of you in the relationship and you both need to work on it together. And what a great time to find out before you get married, before you commit for life, is

your partner into prioritizing your sex life? Because I promise you no matter what stage you're at in your relationship, there will come a time when there's going to be something that you need to work on and what a great way to find out if your partner is game. Talking about it, communication is a lubrication. My next caller is Daniel, 24 in Texas, and it looks like Daniel's got some issues communicating with his wife.

Hey Daniel, what's going on? Okay, where do I begin? Me and my fiance are in a really bad spot right now. Like it's on the verge of like ending and we've been together for seven years. We have three kids and you know, like when it's good, it's good. But when it's bad, it's bad. You know, and I feel like it's reaching its breaking point but you know I've been with us like we got together when we were high school you know like I'm only

24. Okay yeah okay yeah three kids three kids. One boy and two girls. Okay so what's going on I mean that's yeah you've been together you grew up together essentially so what's going on now? I'm? I moved out of my mom's house when I was 17. And since then I've been with her and we've lived together, but I've never actually been on my own. And like, I don't know if I should keep trying with her because neither one of us, like we both want to try, but neither one of us is like really sure it's worth it.

And if it doesn't work out, then I don't know what to do with like myself. Yeah, I mean Daniel how are you guys going to work on it? I think therapy would be great for you guys. Yeah. Yeah, I mean you're going to be together for life because you have three kids so you're going to be either co-parenting as separated or married and I can't tell you how much I highly recommend it. You just need it out. You've been together seven years and you need an outside mediator essentially to kind of help you develop new tools.

I would find a marriage and family therapist in your area. Do you have health insurance? Yes. That is the first thing you need and you guys need to commit to it. Like it's your, you know, like it's feeding time for the kids. I mean, like it's everything because I mean, I'm sure you are frustrated having three kids

under the age of 24 and it's your first, both of your first relationships. So I hear what you're saying is what are you gonna do? And I think that we would cross that bridge when we come to it, but the fact that you both still wanna make it work and you can't do it on your own, which I'm telling you, you won't be able to do it on your own, to commit to how, it doesn't mean you're crazy,

doesn't mean you're wrong, it means that I recommend that every couple needs it, especially after seven years and what you guys have been through. You're young, you've got your whole life ahead of you, you're gonna learn great tools. And then if you're with a therapist, and I mean, I believe that couples shouldn't break up

until they go to therapy because, you know, sometimes it can help, and sometimes you just realize we're not compatible, but right now you're probably having the same arguments over and over again it's not even about what you're arguing about because what happens after so much time together is that resentments build up I might sound like it's about you working too much or her doing something but it's not really about that it's about other things that just pile up over time that

we don't take care of yeah like I was thinking to myself about other things that just pile up over time that we don't take care of. Yeah, like I was thinking to myself the other day that we may have confused chemistry for compatibility because we have great chemistry but like in the beginning like we could almost finish each other's sentences didn't have to say anything because we already knew what the other was thinking and now it's, we disagree on everything. We can't find a happy medium. What kind of things are you disagreeing on? Finances, like how to deal with the kids.

Like my son starts school this year and like how we're just gonna make it all work and not go crazy. It sounds like you guys just have a lot, a lot going on right now. That's, and now she's working. So, you know, I can see why there's probably a lot of challenges.

Maybe you're not compatible, but it's so hard to know when there's so much responsibility together to care for, you know, children and finances, and you don't have a lot of world experience, either being with other people or just living life. So it's a lot of world experience, either being with other people or just living life. So it's a lot at once. And, and all couples go through really hard times where they think they weren't going to make it.

No couple is happy all of the time through the, in all their years. It's the couples who can get past these times, you know, that, that make it, or at least find out that they can't, but you won't be able to do it just arguing back and forth. Yeah, we've tried, like, thought about, like, okay, like, what if we just take a break from each other, you know, just like, get some space, have our personal time, but like, we live in the same apartment, so, and we can't really afford to have two places,

so we can't really get away from each other. And it's starting to impact our sex life a little bit. I'm sure. How old are your kids? Curious. My son just turned four. My oldest daughter just turned two. And this month on the 20th, my youngest daughter will be one.

Okay, four, two, and one. That's really young kids. That's a lot of responsibility. So yeah, Daniel, this is just, if you can just kind of get some time to think and figure out a plan, and I think talking to, would she be open to going to therapy? She actually suggested it earlier today.

Great. I mean, I'm telling you, Daniel, it It's just like it's a game-changer You will be so much further along a month from now after say four sessions than you are right now I'm gonna have to do that. I've always been like really hard-headed and I don't you know need to hear what a therapist has to say But but you wanted to talk to me so I thank you for being open to talking to someone because I get that whole like being hard headed and I don't need anybody, but that's not gonna serve you.

And so it's better to find that out at 24 than to be 44 and still being in the same place you are. Cause believe me, I talked to a lot of 44 year old men who say that too, and it's not going well. Okay, one more question. She had told me that she thinks one of the main reasons we're having problems is because we never took the time to be able to stand on our own as individuals before standing together and in doing that we kind of and in doing that we kind of handicapped ourselves by if we split then we can't really stand on our own yet. And I don't know if we should if it's too late to

take the time to do that or if we should roll with it and see where it goes. Well that's a good point. I mean, it is true, but there is something called like healthy interdependence or healthy dependence on each other where you can both grow within a relationship, but it doesn't sound like you have the space to do that right now. And I do think that there's a lot to be said

for figuring out who you are on your own, but you also have kids right now. Cause I agree with her that you haven't had a lot of time alone, but you can still create independence in a relationship. But I just think it'll be hard for you right now with the situation you're in. Oh, it's very hard.

Yeah, it sounds really hard, Daniel, you know, but you're going to get through this. And I love that you're calling in. And I do think that these are all great things to bring up in therapy. How do you still grow and figure out who you are outside of the relationship when you're in a relationship? It doesn't always mean separation.

It just takes maturity and talking it through and being really honest and open and being able to listen. Yeah, I'm going to try that because like, you know how they say history repeats itself for like, my parents, they split when I was about two. And my mom moved to Corpus Christi and my dad stayed in Houston and I would go back and forth every year. And I was talking to, uh, Frankie's my fiance's name. I was talking to Frankie and she said that if we did split, then she was going to go back to Sinton and I was like, that sounds just like my childhood. My parents split when I was a baby and moved to different cities.

Yeah, history does repeat itself. It's true. So how do you stop the cycle? I think it's by learning how to communicate and learning how to problem solve together, and learning how to be really good partners to each other, learning how to care for other people and still keep your independence, which is a practice and at 24 I didn't know how to do that. It's not easy. So yeah, I get it. You don't want to be going back and forth, but I mean I love that you're asking these questions now because I'm telling you so many people just keep

repeating things from the past without ever looking at it. This could start you on a great journey. It's good to start now. And hopefully you guys can, by having an outsider help you, you'll be able to hear a different perspective that you can both kind of come together on and have different conversations that aren't the same. Because I'm assuming you're having the same conversations right now, you know, and that's not going anywhere. So, except for like we should separate, which maybe you should, but we won't

really know yet. But I see not wanting to repeat that. Yeah, of course. So what can you do differently now? It doesn't have to repeat itself. The fact that you have that awareness is really great. Well, yeah, I'll definitely take your advice and talk to her and hear about going to a therapist and if that doesn't work, then take your phone with you. Yeah, let me know. You can reach out again. We could do another call. If she wants to come on the call with you,

we could do one together. Okay. Okay. Yeah, I'll put it in your pocket. I showed it to her. She was really interested. Okay, good. Daniel, just keep me posted, okay?

You got this. It's really responsible and I'm here for you. Thank you. Okay, have a good day. Have a good night. Bye. Yeah, you guys, you know, I know that I often talk about couples going into therapy together, but we all need help outside sometimes. It's really young to get married and to have kids and to try to problem solve and they have to be everything to each other right now and

as we know that's just a challenge in relationships. So listen, a lot of your health insurance plans will cover you going to therapy and I think it's just a really important next step and I'm gonna reiterate what I said that if you are thinking of just leaving somebody and you have kids, remember you're still going to be into others' lives forever. So you might as well figure out how to be effective communicators for the long term. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily

and be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, or X and Facebook. It's all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up on SexWithEmily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or just go to SexWithEmily.com slash ask Emily. Was it good for you?

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