Sex With Emily - Hotline Calls: Breakups, Oral & Honeymoon Sex

Episode Date: August 11, 2021

On today’s show, I am answering all of your pressing calls from the Sex with Emily hotline! We get into some great topics like how to start enjoying receiving oral sex, ways to spice up your honeymoon sex without actual penetration, and what to do if you aren’t getting as wet as you used to during sex. Plus, new methods for giving oral sex to prevent discomfort and how to decide if it’s worth staying in your relationship after seven years (and three children).You can call me anytime and leave a voicemail: 559-TALK-SEX (559-825-5739).Show Notes:Massage Candles at Good Vibrationsb-Vibe Beginner Anal Kit Fin by DameSystem Jo Lubricants Bellesa The Netflix of PornAudio Erotica: QuinnYes, No, Maybe ListFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I love this question because this is where the juice is. There are so many exciting things that you can do that can either build a rousal towards penetration, allow you to explore each other's bodies and figure out what feels good for both of you. If you have a sex life that just focuses on penetration, that's going to get really old real fast. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Bet through eyes they call them in a fight on day. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. On today's show, I'm answering all of your pressing calls from the Sex Thumbelie hotline. We get into so many topics like how to really start enjoying receiving oral sex, ways to spice up your honeymoon and make it extra memorable. What's new if you aren't getting as what is your use to during sex and how to explain that

to a partner. Plus new methods for giving oral sex to prevent discomfort. You know lots of times we get into positions during sex and we actually experience pain. Remember you can call me anytime and leave a voicemail 5599, talk sex, or 559, 8255739. I love these hotline shows, it is my joy, it is what I love doing, and I hope you will all check out our hotline and set up a time so we can check. All right, in Tentions with Emily,

join me in setting in intention for the show when you're listening, what do you wanna get out of the episode? My intention is just to be there for you, my listeners, who have been supporting the show for almost 16 years, and thank you for being part of this community. Here's a suggestion for your intention that you're going to think of one challenge in your sex life right now, that you're thinking you'd like to tackle, and then you're going to call our hotline and leave a message. And remember, to rate the podcast, review, love when you do that. It helps keep the show free.

It makes it easier to find for everybody. So if you just take a minute right now wherever you're listening, whatever platform and you rate it, you review it, you subscribe. I so appreciate you. Thank you. Also, our website. There's a new ask Emily. What's the deal with foot fetishes?

What is the deal? Check it out. We have so many great articles on our site. And remember, call my hotline with questions, There's a new Ask Emily. What's the deal with foot fetishes? What is the deal? Check it out. We've so many great articles on our site. And remember, call my hotline with questions, but you can also message me, sexwithemily.com slash askemily. All right, everybody, enjoy this episode. My first color is Katie, 26, who wants to know how she can learn to enjoy receiving oral sex.

Hi Katie. I just got back into the dating world going out, very confident, having sex. But one thing I have never really enjoyed was receiving oral sex. Okay. I love to give it. I feel comfortable in my body. But again, I don't really enjoy it, but I want to. So I'm trying to figure out what can I be doing maybe to find it more pleasurable. Okay, so that's such a great question, Katie. Do you have pleasure in other

ways? Do you have orgasms through? Oh, yeah. I mean, I don't have any problems like receiving orgasms, which is great because I know a lot of people can struggle with that. Oh yeah, I mean, I don't have any problems like receiving orgasms, which is great because I know a lot of people can struggle with that. You know, I like for play, but I can say that when receiving oral sex, I don't have any orgasms. So I kind of feel like maybe it's just pointless in a sense. Well, there's many women that I found in my career, they're able to orgasm through penetration and oral sex feels uncomfortable to them. And so maybe that's you.

Okay, so that might be you, Katie. Maybe there's nothing you're doing wrong. Okay. I'm telling you, it's this weird, like it has to do with our anatomy and the way we were born. It's literally how close your clitoris is to your vaginal opening. It's all legit science. So I think that could be it.

So I'm not gonna force you to do anything that you don't wanna do, but maybe there's a way that your partner, because some partners really enjoy performing oral. And that's so funny. It's like, oh, it's like, because it's rare. I mean, I hear from you. I'm actually super rare.

I never hear about it. You know, people don't, maybe don't like giving, but I'm over here on the receiving end. And I'm like, I'm just not crazy about it. That could be why. That could be it, but how you can make it more pleasurable is maybe you want to finger inside you or maybe you want them to use a toy on you, well, they're also going down on you. So I should kind of experiment with it. Yes, experiment with it and make it work for you. Like if they're just like licking in ways, don't feel good. I mean, it really is a practice.

I wouldn't have known when I was first. Yeah, maybe the guy doesn't know what he's doing. I don't know. He probably doesn't. I don't know why he's there. Katie, no one knows what they're doing. I'm telling you, I mean, even people who are experienced that say every time you've got a vulva in front of you,

it's different. We're all like snowflakes. We're all different. So, and you're 26 years old, I don't know how old the guys you're dating, but they just don't have as much experience. But even again, I always say this, but guys in their 40s also sometimes don't have as much experience. So, every time you're with a new partner is a great time

to let them know what you like. Yes, explore it together, let them know what you're into, what feels good, and then take it from there. That's what I would recommend, but you're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you, but you'll find your fun. Yes, absolutely. I hear this all the time, so just learning and be honest with them and tell them that that's what you heard from Sex with Emily.

Exactly. That's what I will say. I feel like listening. Absolutely. Yeah. She knows what's up and then explore with them. Okay, Katie. Yeah.

Emily, thank you so much. Of course. Thank you. Have a great day. Thanks, Katie. Bye. I do get this question from time to time that there are different kinds of vulva owners. Some just don't want to receive oral because they have shame about their body or they don't

think their partner wants to be doing it or they don't have to relax into it. But again, there are these women that they're very sensitive clitoris is they can have the orgasm during penetration. But it's just that oral sex doesn't feel it's great to them. So, nothing wrong with you if this is happening. So yeah, so figure out which kind of oval owner you are. Now, if you're the one who has the shame around it and all that, that's something that I would definitely work on by getting comfortable with your body, taking baby steps with a partner, letting them know that maybe you're not as comfortable with it, and what would feel good to you. And you know, all of this is very helpful when you have a healthy masturbation practice to understand your body and what feels good so you can explain that to a partner.

Next up, we've got Ari, who's 32, and she's trying to spice up her upcoming wedding night but there's a twist. They can't have penetrative sex. Hey Ari. Hi, how are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm good. I'm just on my break at work. Perfect. Yeah. Okay. So my fiance and I are getting married August 28th. So really soon. And my fiance is waiting to get a kidney transplant. Which I'm super thankful for. It's going really well. He's in as good of health as he can be. So I'm really grateful. But I'm a little nervous about our wedding night because a lot of the meds he's on just don't allow like sexual activity to always happen. And at first, it was really hard for me

to overcome and accept the change in our sex life. And now two and a half years into this, we're in a good place about it. But, I'm getting, there's a lot of pressure around the wedding night. And prior to this big change in his health, we're very sexually active couple and we make it happen when we can. But a lot of the meds he's on just it just doesn't always allow it to happen.

Right. So I'm just kind of wondering like some tips and tricks to still have like an intimate night together if it just can't happen. Does that make sense? Yes, absolutely. Well, congratulations, first of all. Yeah, I totally get that. I mean, that makes sense. And really, it's about connection that night. And so when you talk about like the adventurous sex you had in the past, like, what do you miss? Because I'm trying to think if I could give you some ideas that could sort of simulate that, even if he isn't able to. Is can he not get an erection? And there's an penetration.

Okay. I kind of think. Like he feels the urge, his body chemistry just isn't allowing it to happen. Okay. You could give each other a massage. You could get some really beautiful massage candles and you could light it and give him a massage.

He can give you a massage just to get into your bodies after what will probably be beautiful, but maybe stressful tiring day of having fun. And so I love massage candles because I've talked about them in the show before, but there are some great ones. We have good vibrations on our site. Those are awesome.

You could play some games. There's some great sex games also. Like there's some question and answer games, that could kind of lead to other sexual activities. You could use some toys. Have you used toys together yet? We have used toys together. I think that as we're talking,

I guess what I'm finding I'm a little more concerned about is how to make it, if he can't have an erection, how to make it an if he can't have an erection, how to make it an intimate positive experience for him because I feel like I feel like I'm always getting taken care of right now, which I am not complaining about. On our wedding night, I kind of want it to be like a both of us thing, even if sex can't happen. Okay, thank you for clarifying that. What about, have you ever tried anal plan him? Oh, like, yes, like, during oral sex. Okay, well maybe you could, I mean, since you can't have oral sex, I mean, I would recommend getting like, I mean, it is anal August.

Getting a butt plug or there's like a great, um, bevi makes this great beginner anal kit and it's a beautiful kid that has great tips about anal sex and it's like, builds up from different butt plugs from different sizes. Maybe you could, if you'd be willing to experiment with something like that, I mean, he probably could still feel pleasure in his prostate and if you can't get an erection. And so that could be, I know that's a lot on the wedding night,

maybe you'd have to clear it with him beforehand, but that could be really fun. I like the idea of a massage. I don't want him to get frustrated through sex if he can't get a hard, but I'm just thinking body touch, sensations, kissing, slowing everything down, spending a lot of time touching different parts of his body. I think that spending time slowing down, touching parts of his body is a really good suggestion

literally every night since we've started staying the night together three, four years ago, it's always will you take on my back or like every single night. And I love touch. So I always say yes. So maybe like I like the idea of the massage candle maybe just like switching up how we massage and touch before bed is a really good idea.

Yeah, I think that's great. And you and you could also get, there's some great touch. If you're into touch, there's some great, they're like finger caps. You put on your fingers and they have these little pointers on them. So they're like nails that you put on yourself. Oh, I do.

And you can scratch yourself with them and you can just kind of like use this. So you could give them a really special massage where he's just maybe put a blindfold on him and he's on his stomach. And then you could play with the warmth of the massage candle. You could use these little finger caps that you put on with like little nails.

You could even use a toy on his back. I mean, I love the fin. It's called the fin by Dame. And it's like my new like go to because it's a finger vibe. But you put it on your finger and that means your whole body becomes like a vibrant like anywhere you touch on his body because your finger can go in place so you could even just use that on the massage oil. And it's just a really cute vibe.

Comes into great box. He could use it on you. You could use it on him. And it's just it's super cool. I love out there products are just like very innovative. So I think that that if he likes tickling his back just to kind of expand that and just be about like worshipping his body everywhere that feels good right now for him.

Yeah. So sensations are great playing with ice too, like having some ice cubes by the bed. Oh, and also, sister now that we're talking, I'm like, I want to play on this view. System Joe makes some warming products and some cooling products. They have like a cooling loop and a warming loop.

I think they even have it for a massage too, so you could just kind of even, can you touch his penis still? You can feel anything? Yeah, absolutely. Okay, good, because that might, again, I'm thinking about sensations that might feel good without the pressure

to have an erection, but just to kind of please him. So usually your temperature play plays what I'm talking about and just playing with him. And you can even get a feather necklace, you could drag on his back. There's just sensations. It's just giving him a really special massage, get some of his favorite foods, play some music,

and set the mood. Who else? Something that makes you feel sexy, do a little strip. Yeah. Awesome. little strip. Yeah. Awesome. All right. Congratulations. And have fun.

Have fun with it. I think he's going to be so happy that you thought about this. I had a time. Yeah. Awesome. Well, thank you so much. You're so welcome. Of course.

Bye. Bye. I love this question, because even if you're not getting married and trying to create a special night or one of you are unable to have penetration right now, to have penetrative sex, this is where the juice is. There are so many exciting things that you can do that can either build a rousal towards penetration, allow you to explore each other's bodies and figure out what feels good for both of you.

And so I just think that making this kind of play part of your relationship is the thing that's going to keep it interesting and hot. If you have a sex life that's just focused on penetration, that's going to get really old real fast. My next color is Liz 25 who's got some oral questions. Hello! Hi Liz, how are you? I'm good, how are you? I'm good. Thank you so much for calling in.

Yeah, oh my gosh, of course. Thank you for knowing what you do. Yes, okay, so tell me what's going on. Yes, so my boyfriend has been sort of noticing and complaining about having like a swollen tongue after oral sex. Okay. The neck, right? Um, which of course, like detours him from, you know, wanting to do it because it's kind of painful for him. Um, and I guess I was just wondering, like, is that a normal thing? Do other people have that?

Like, what the heck is- Okay. Well, how long have you guys been together? We've been together for four years. Okay. And it happens every time. Yeah. Okay.

You know, are they little, does he get sores or get swollen? What does it look like? Yeah, it's like, it's not sores, like it's not an STD or anything like that, but it's just like the bottom of his tongue is swollen. Okay, okay. I mean, there could be, is he going very hard?

And like, is he using a lot of pressure? I guess, yes. Okay, because my first thing was what it could be in STD, like it could be something like that. So I would definitely get you both tested. I know you've been together for four years, but hopefully you get tested. And you know that it's not that

because you can get some kind of, you know, it could be a yeast infection, syphilis, or gonorrhea, you can take antibiotics to treat those. But have you also asked, am I know you guys have been together for years? Has it ever happened with another partner? Has it ever happened when you eat certain foods? Because like, sometimes I eat acidic foods in my tongue swells, like I'll have, there are lots of fruit. I think that I have asked them if it has happened with people in the past and I think that it has, I'm not sure about food though, I don't think so. Okay.

Now what it looks like to me, because obviously, you know, I went on a rabbit hole. Of course. You know, I'm not trying to hate on him, but his auntie are like a little crooked. And so it kind of looks like the part of his tongue that's like connected to the mouth, you want to turn it out? Yeah. Yeah. It kind of looks like it like gets caught in his teeth.

Oh, yeah. It's like, it's not like, yeah. It kinda looks like it like gets caught in a teeth. Oh, yeah. It's like, it's not like, oh. Yes. Okay, okay, that makes sense. So it's like getting, he's like, and then this, right, so that's getting caught in his teeth that makes so much sense. That's my thing, right?

Now, obviously I thought I was going crazy, so I wasn't sure, but. Do you like the way he's going down in you? Like does it feel good? Yes. Okay, so I would say that he could find a position where he's minimizing this pressure, because he could, if he's leaning more forward,

like if you're lying flat on the bed, or if you're lying on the edge of the bed, and he could be down on his knees, or you could elevate in some way with a wedge underneath you. So he's not in between your legs and he's not going up and out, but maybe you're standing. To me, it's a position thing or get his teeth fixed. But I'm wondering if he could even put this bite down to the leg. But I remember when I had braces, there was wax you could put in your teeth.

So the braces didn't hurt. No, it totally. It totally sounds like he's cutting out his teeth, especially because you're showing me it's the bottom of his tongue. Yes. Yeah, that's why I recommend and get tested. I know you've been together for a long time, but I would say that that would be something to get tested for.

But if it's in that same part, that's probably what it is. You already know. Yeah. So positioning, you could be the edge of the bed. He could kneel in front of you. You could put your feet on his shoulders too, so you're more elevated. Okay.

So he's not, I don't know what position he's in now, but whatever he's doing, it's just like he's applying too much pressure. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Thanks a lot of sense. Okay, good Liz, so that's, we got that all the way. So what else just kind of like a follow up that it's it You know, it takes me like pretty long time to like have an orgasm Which then also contributes to like him going down on me for you know for what seems like forever

How long is it do you know do you ever look at the clock? No? It feels like 45 minutes, but that could just be a total. I could just be making that up. Okay. Well, I mean, the thing is, it takes women about between 20 and 40 minutes to orgasm. So that's common. And that's why also that's,

but he sounds like he's very motivated and very driven. So he's just going at it and he's hurting himself. So also he could take a breath. Maybe there's a breathing you could do together, he could stop, he could go back to it. Maybe you go down on him and he comes, it doesn't have to be the straight forward 40 minutes, but yeah, that's how long it can take. And I love it.

He's willing to go the distance, but having that tongue swell thing is not ideal. So I think just talking to him about it and finding a position like you could even play with positions. Let's try to find before you settle in, let's make you comfortable here. Yeah, okay, yeah, because honestly, it's just pretty like standard positioning. And then exactly what you're saying, we're just doing it for the whole time straight

and not really, you know, having me. Yeah, and he's super driven to do it. I love that he's going at it for a long time, but that's what we need. That's what a lot of us need So yeah, let me know that goes positioning maybe something in his teeth little wax Perfect thanks Liz. I so appreciate you. Thanks for coming I appreciate you. Yeah, this was so fun. I agree. Keep me posted. I will okay have a great day

Thanks Liz. Bye. I Love when these questions come in about positioning because that's really what it is. Sometimes we just get so caught up in the moment and then we're like, oh my god, my neck hurts, my elbow hurts, you know? My foot fell asleep. We don't have to be uncomfortable when we're having sex. So sometimes props, using a wedge, using a pillow,

and just stopping for a minute and saying, this is about being embodied and knowing what is feeling good and what's happening in your body in any moment. and just stopping for a minute and saying, like this is about being embodied and knowing what is feeling good and what's happening in your body in any moment. And so finding ways to get into comfortable positions for both of you, this is part of what makes sex fun. It's kind of fun and playful to say,

I'm not that comfortable, you know, let me take a movie here, let me grab a pillow. I think that we're so sometimes afraid to talk about sex that we just think we have to suffer through the weird parts or suffer through like being uncomfortable or hurting ourselves. But there's a lot of great work around using pillows or wedges or sitting on the couch instead of on the bed or standing instead of sitting. So think about ways that you can improve positions or sex acts that you're doing right now just

by a little switch of, you know, moving your legs or moving your body bodies and there's like quick fixes that can really help in the long term. I'm gonna take a quick break to hear from our sponsors but after I'd have to Jessica who's 22 and she's dealing with some dryness during sex. Well I'm here to help. I'll be right back. I've got Jessica 22. She's got questions about dryness. Hi Jessica. Hello. Hi Jessica. How are you? Hi Emily. I look so crazy. I'm a graduate student. So I'm like midterm season. Oh my god. Totally looking crazy. Congratulations grad school. That's a grad school. That's exciting. Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah. Okay. Okay. So how many minutes can I on? Basically, I have been in a relationship for about three years now with my boyfriend and the whole relationship, honestly, I'm like so chill. He's like my best friend, two peas in a pod. I did lose my virginity to him and he is a little bit older than me.

So he was really respectful about it and coached me through everything, but it's gotten to a point a little bit where it's okay now we're trying to work towards a connection and I still don't really know what to do. I feel like I want him and I'm like, I feel like I'm a very sexual person, but then it like comes to actually doing something and I'm like, I get so awkward. And recently too, I've been dealing with, this is like, Tammy, but I got to tell you.

It's basically yeast infections. And so, it's been causing the vaginal dryness for like since the beginning of this year. He's been going through some stress at work on top of that. I'm going through my graduate school stress And so I feel like all that combined he didn't know that I was like having these infections So you know in the bedroom. He was kind of like why am I not turning her on? I should have explained that to him. Yeah, but now it's kind of gotten to a point where he's like just I really want to have a Connection with you, but like I don't know if it's your personality or like, like I feel like sexually we're not connecting.

It's like that's really important a relationship. And I'm like, yeah, I agree, 1000%. Like I think that's important too. But obviously I'm dealing with the infection. It's clearing up now, but now I'm kind of just like, how do I, because now it's kind of getting awkward, you know, it's just like, I get really nervous now. I'm not as confident in bed now with him like, okay, it just feel, and then I tried to like spice things up and you know, I went to, I went and got

like the silk rope so they go, maybe you could tie me up, we could switch up and he's like, oh no, like I want more of a connection. I'm not like the type to do that, you know, okay, and I was like, maybe you could like, talk me through it more. He's like, okay not like the type to do that, you know. Okay. And I was like, maybe you could like talk me through it more. He's like, okay, like I tried to talk about it outside of the bedroom and be like, you know, what do you like? And he kind of was like, no, no, we'll do that inside the bedroom. So it's kind of like at that stage. And I'm like, this is, I feel like it's so fixable. And I'm like, this is so frustrating because it's such a good relationship. And it's like, this can't possibly be like that.

Right. There's always going to be something in a long-term relationship. So you've been together three years, so you're right where you need to be. There's always going to be something and usually a lot of times it has to do with sex. So, and you're 22, right? Yes. And how old is he? He is 27. Okay. Okay.

And so when you say that you start, so you've been getting three years, how did you feel at the beginning? You were more confident. Um, you know, it was still the beginning. I did, again, I delused my Virginia to him. I like grew up in a really strict household on top of that. Like I, so I was like nose in the books.

I, I feel like even in high school, like I went to an all girls Catholic school. I did not, I really didn't have like the freedom to, I don't know if that's important. Like at that age, you're supposed to explore, but I was like, nose in the books, like didn't really have any experience except like making out with people. That was it, you know?

Of course, no. And then you've been with them for a year since you graduated essentially. A year after you graduated. So I would first say say go easy on yourself. There's no way that you would know what to do if you haven't, he's your first partner and it's been three years

and you're like, okay, we've done all the things now, like now what? So I do think it's something that I would love him to feel comfortable talking to you about it outside the bedroom, I get that he wasn't because for most, he probably doesn't know what to say either. So I recommend like finding some tools like, you know what I, I don't know if you guys would be into this, but the less a is they make this like ethical porn.

It's like porn that is really like hot for all genders and it shows real body types. It's super sexy. At the name, ethical and porn makes it sound not hot. But maybe you guys could watch some stuff together like and say like, oh, that's hot. it sound not hot. But maybe you guys could watch some stuff together and say, oh, that's hot. That's not hot. This is where I love porn, especially porn that I know that many vulva owners are like, oh, that's really hot. There's like, more romance, there's a plot.

There's more. And you just might need some more like data. You might need some more external information. I mean, I love that you listen to the podcast. I think porn that's done right could be a great tool for you and Talking about he probably doesn't know either even if he's a few years older I mean, probably his first really long-term serious relationship. He hasn't been experimenting and so even if you say to him like What are the three most memorable times we've had sex and then you answer?

And he answers you're gonna find there's some really great sort of sexual DNA in there like he's going to tell you like oh it was that time that you know you came home and surprised me and did something or was that unexpected time you'll start to hear patterns. And then you can think about it for you too like when were you the most turned on. But I think if you can get him to agree that you're both exploring and learning and growing together and it's something that you mean if to agree that you're both exploring and learning and growing together, and it's something that, I mean, if there's just something that you're gonna be with, it's really important for couples to have a growth mindset

around sex and to agree that it's something that they're gonna prioritize and talk about, because you don't have to fix it on your own. And it sounds like a lot with stress and your Catholic upbringing and yeast infection. Yeah. It's all, I feel bad because I also, I feel like it was kind of my fault because I didn't explain to him what was going on because also as a woman, I just didn't want

to be like, I think I used infection. I don't really know why. I'm super clean. Like, I don't, you know, I have to say, like, it's not you, you know, and I feel like that was really hard for him to wrap his mind around because he had convinced himself so much. We just don't have information. You know, and now you know, like I think maybe when I was very, I might not have said I'd ease infection. I'm like, that's so not sexy, but now as you get older, like every guy, many guys I know have been with women who get ease infections or bladder

infections, UTI, which sounds sexier than ease infection, but it's all the same thing, right? So I just think this is the learning experience for you, Jessica, and this is your first serious relationship and first relationship, it sounds like with sex, so you're exactly where you need to be, and I would just recommend, really, it's okay, and I know that you feel bad, but it's not your 50% of the relationship,

and so I don't know how else to convince them, like the fact that you're dry, it could be the yeast infection. It could just be like, are you on the birth control pill or anything? No, no, no. It genuinely was, I was going to like this male gynecologist. He treated me like a number. So he wasn't treating it well. And then but now I've got a good guy. I know. So good. So that's what you need. And then you always use lube too. You know how I feel about lube just use lube every time. And I know I get, he's probably not going to understand that because it's so many penis owners think that if you have to move over the partners that wet has to do with them, but I am telling you, it is not related.

Of course, you're turned on into them. But it sounds like he needs, maybe you guys could listen to the show together, you could call back in together, we could do a session. But I think that, you know, making sure that you're also comfortable like are you having orgasms on your own? Are you masturbating? Are you doing things that keep you going? Yes, that's also another thing. There's only one way I can make myself orgasm.

That's it. And I'm like, is that an issue too? Is that there's only one way? But I'm like, there's different positions that we do in the bed. It's, you know, so- What's that position? Is it during penetration? Oh, know. What's that position?

Is it during penetration? Oh, no, it's just like clitoral stimulation. That's it. And it's like one position. And I'm like, is that a bad thing? Like, do I need to explore it like, it's like, is it a muscle or is it like a muscle? It does help.

All of that helps. Anything that we can do to pay attention to our pelvic floor, that's literally your strengthening your pelvic floor, which does help. All of that helps. Anything that we can do to pay attention to our pelvic floor, that's literally you're strengthening your pelvic floor, which is important, but it's the muscles that are responsible for orgasm. So, if you're doing kegels or you're masturbating or you're like exploring and maybe you're slowing things down, I mean, I think that sometimes we, yeah, there's nothing wrong with me. I love that you can orgasm with one position.

I mean, only 20% of women can orgasm during penetration. So the fact that you even have one position, I want to tell you that that's great. Like, that's more than many women. So there's nothing wrong with that, but I just think Jessica's about playing, maybe sometimes taking sex off the table and not making it just about penetration.

Because that's how you learn about what feels good to you and sometimes with this mouth or fingers are using toys together and also that just like it's something new So if the same positions after three years is getting boring I'll bet you could probably find other positions that would allow you to have pleasure at orgasms, but it's just like Exploring together Finding new positions using his hands Lou, but you're both learning together. And I'm saying that, but that's what it is. There's no problems here. No, okay. It makes me feel better, you know, but the doctor is like, try to not have intercourse,

just you're gonna, you're gonna bug it. Good. Just knock it out. And so I'm like, okay, so I told him and he's very respectful of these things. So like, I was like, okay, maybe like in these 14 days, I can, we can explore new things without like going that way. Just for these 14 days and he was like, okay, I just really hope it gets fixed soon. And it's just kind of like, I have to learn that that could be really, really hot, like just like making out, giving each other a massage, teasing. I mean, so

many women, like if you're clitoris, I know he said, don't have sex, but what if he touches you all around? Yeah. You're clitoris and you tease together and you play together. You know, give each other massages. Like I just think that that's a great idea. But again, he probably hasn't been in relationships or situations where someone said that to him and he's all about the penetration. Yeah. That's what I think too. He definitely wasn't a long-term serious relationship before me, so I'm like, maybe like,

I really don't think, I don't like to think about the past as much, but I'm like, okay, maybe for her it was just easier and shouldn't deal with most of these things. Like now I'm here and it's all very new to me. I would try to not do that as much as you can to think about the past. And she was just a lover because he's not with her anymore. Yeah.

I would just try to like, X talked to him about, again, it's really is more about talking and seeing if he is someone who's comfortable talking about sex. It's a practice. And if he's never done it, I get why he's saying no, that's weird, but like that sounds like something that you want and you need. Like, that's, and we all need it. So it's making it safe and comfortable for him. Are there things that you've been wanting to try in the bedroom?

Do you have any fantasies or things that are interesting to you? I do agree, like, within the three years, it has been a lot more like routine now, you know? And I'm sure that's like a part of it. And he is like super stressed. I'm like, I don't want to, you know, but no, no, it's like, no, I want to, you know? And I'm sure that's like a part of it. He is like super stressed. I'm like, I don't wanna, you know, but no, no, it's like, no, I wanted to be more dominant. Like I don't wanna just be in the bed.

And I, you know, I try to tell him that, but it's kind of like tired, you know? It's like that, that phase, you know? Where it's just like I'm tired, you're like, okay, you know? Right, right, exactly. That is the phase that you're in, but that's something that this is what happens is so many couples like, oh, it's a phase

and we're not gonna deal with it now. But if you're into being more dominant, sometimes guys don't really know what that means or how to do it. So, greeting Arotica together or listening to Arotica, like try Quinn, or fighting, you can even find scenes that you think are hot and show him so he knows.

And this notion that we all think that sex is supposed to be great all the time. I used to think in my 20s too, like if I was with someone for two years, I would say it's start to get boring of two and a half years. And I would just end it because I just thought that that means that we're not supposed to be together.

I didn't know. I didn't have the information I had now. So what I'm telling you is this is exactly what happens. This is what happens in every relationship. And so how are you guys going to problem solve together? It's okay not to know, but finding information and educating yourselves together and finding different things that are hot,

doing our yes, no, maybe list on our website, which you can download for free, has all these sex acts on it, it has like 79 different sex things. It's like kissing and spanking. No, we need that. Right? And because I try to give people information because you guys, how would you even know what's

on the menu? We're just like, you don't know what's on the menu. That's why I'm telling you like, you guys can do it as a date night one night and say, okay, when you come over, we're going to do this thing and you can print it out or you can do it on mine and just say like, which one of these is out for you? What's the memorable time we've had sex? And just because what we're missing in long-term relationships is because when we become so close to someone, think about it, like think of a fire. Fire requires air, right? Oxygen to keep it going.

And if you're so close with someone, right, you sort of, you don't, you have that lack of oxygen, you can't create that passion and that heat anymore. So what we crave in relationships is a little bit of space. That's what the air comes in, but also variety, novelty, it's something new. So it's like even talking about it can be a great turn on, can enhance a rousal, and then finding different tools. So doing the estomabellus, like thinking about different ways and positions and places you could have sex,

things that you can wear, things that you can act out. That's why people do it. It doesn't mean that relationships broken. It just means that everything gets a little boring after a while. I think it's still the same exercise over and over again. We can become standard in our in our growth, our body, if we're trying to like build muscle, like you do the same exercise, you know, you plateau. You plateau. So you're almost like a plateaued, but that's not a problem. The thing you have to do is both agree that you want to find a solution together

and how, and you presented this way, Jessica, like, oh, I'm so excited. Let's explore together. Let's figure out what's hot for us. Like, Sucks with Emily said that she's got this, yes, no, maybe less. So let's each go to her website and put an article that we want to read to each other

because there's so many great articles in the site about every topic you can imagine. So you might have to drive it, like, bring the fodder, article that we want to read to each other because there's so many great articles in the site about every topic you can imagine. So you might have to drive it, like bring the fodder, but what's most guys try this, I believe that they're like, they realize it's not about them being bad lovers. You're not saying you want to break up with them. You're not saying the relationships do. And it's like, I just want to work together and hear some stimuli to keep it going.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Literally, breath of fresh air. This was perfect. Seriously, thank you so much. And honestly, like, thank you for creating a space, especially for people like me who came with such strict upbringing, like, only to marriage. You know what I mean? It's not the same anymore. Everyone's different, obviously, you know,

teach their own, but like, seriously, thank you for creating a space like this, like to just talk about things. And thank you for being brave enough to call in and for sharing your story. There are so many people in your boat and your story will absolutely help them and resonate. So thank you. Already. Okay, Todd, good day. Thank you. Keep it posted. Bye, Jessica. Bye. Okay, so Jessica brings up a lot of great points, you know, first of all, a lot of us group in homes where it wasn't celebrated to be sexual, it wasn't okay to be sexual, you're

sheek spin that she went to Catholic high school, so that's something that we're constantly have to look at and say, do those messages still serve me? Obviously not, because Jessica's decided that she wants to be sexual outside of marriage, it's really about finding a partner that has a growth mindset around sex. Somebody that is interested in learning and growing and not giving up. Like I love, I could see Jessica's frustration. I could hear it. She's a fixer.

But remember, there's two of you in the relationship and you both need to work on it together. And what a great time to find out before you get married before you commit for life is your partner into Prioritizing your sex life because I promise you no matter what stage right your relationship There will come a time when there's going to be something that you need to work on and what a great way to find out if your partner is game Talking about it communication is a lubrication after the break I talked to Daniel who's wondering whether to try to fix things or get divorced from his high school sweetheart. Don't go anywhere. My next caller is Daniel, 24 in Texas.

And it looks like Daniel's got some issues communicating with his wife. Hey Daniel, what's going on? Okay, where do I begin? Me and my fiance are in a really bad spot right now. It's on the verge of ending and we've been together for seven years. We have three kids and when it's good, it's good, but when it's bad, it's bad. I feel like it's reaching its breaking point, but, you know, I've been with, like we got together when we were high school, you know,

like I'm only 24. Mm, okay, you, okay, yeah. Three kids, three kids. Yeah, one boy and two girls. Okay, so what's going on? I mean, that's, yeah, you've been together, you grew up together essentially. so what's going on? I mean, that's, yeah, you've been together, you grew up together essentially. So what's going on now?

I moved out of my mom's house when I was 17, and since then I've been with her, and we've lived together, but I've never actually been on my own, and I don't know if I should keep trying with her, because neither one of us, we both want to try, but neither one of us is like, really sure it's worth it. And if it doesn't work out then I don't know what to do.

It's like myself. Yeah, I mean, Daniel, how would you guys going to work on it? I think therapy would be great for you guys. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you're going to be together for a life because you have three kids. So you're going to be either co-parenting

as separated or married. And I can't tell you how much I highly recommend it. You just need it out. You've been together seven years and you need an outside mediator essentially to kind of help you develop new tools. I would find a marriage and family therapist in your area. Do you have health insurance? Yes. That is the first thing you need. And you guys need to commit to it. Like it's your, you know, like it's feeding time for the kids. I mean, like it's everything because I mean, I'm sure you are frustrated having three kids under the age of 24

and it's your first, both of your first relationships. So I hear what you're saying is what are you going to do? And I think that we would cross that bridge when we come to it. But the fact that you both still want to make it work and you can't do it on your own, which I'm telling you, you won't be able to do it on your own, to commit to how it doesn't mean you're crazy, doesn't mean you're wrong, it means that I recommend that every couple needs it, especially after seven years and what you guys have been through. You're young, you've got your

whole life ahead of you, you're going to learn great tools. And then if you're with a therapist, and I mean, I believe that couples shouldn't break up until they go to therapy because, you know, sometimes it can help and sometimes you just realize we're not compatible. But right now you're probably having the same arguments over and over again. It's not even about what you're arguing about. Because what happens after so much time together is that resentment's build up. I might sound like it's about you working too much or her doing something, but it's not really about that.

It's about other things that just pile up over time that we don't take care of. Yeah, like I was thinking to myself the other day that we may have confused a chemistry for compatibility because we have great chemistry but like in the beginning like we could almost finish each other sentences didn't have to say anything because we already knew what the other was thinking. And now it's like, we disagree on everything. We can't find a happy medium. What kind of things are you disagreeing on? Finances like how to deal with the kids like my son starts school this year.

Like how we're just going to make it all work and not go crazy. It sounds like you guys just have a lot, a lot going on right now. That's, and now she's working. So, you know, I can see why there's probably a lot of challenges. Maybe you're not compatible, but it's so hard to know when there's so much responsibility together to care for, you know, children and finances.

And you don't have a lot of world experience, either being with other people or just living life. So it's a lot at once. And all couples go through really hard times where they think they weren't going to make it. No couple is happy all of the time through the other years. It's the girls who can get past these times, you know, that make it, or at least find out that they can't, but you won't be able to do it just arguing back and forth.

Yeah, and we've tried, like, thought about like, okay, like, what if we just take a break from each other, you know, and it's like, get some space, have our personal time, but like, we live in the same apartment, so, and we can't really afford to have two places. So we can't really get away from each other. And it's starting to impact our sex life a little bit. I'm sure. Yeah. No, that's really it. It's actually during the pandemic.

You guys were locked down together with kids. I mean, that's just not easy. How old are your kids? Curious. My son just turned four. My oldest daughter just turned two. And this month on the 20th, my youngest daughter will be one. OK, four, two, and that's really young kid.

It's a lot of responsibility. So yeah, Daniel, this is just if you can just kind of get some time to think and figure out a plan and I think talking to it, would she be open to going to therapy? She actually suggested it earlier today. Great. I mean, I'm telling you, Daniel, it's just like it's a game changer. You will be so much further along a month from now after say four sessions than you are right now. I'm going to have to do that. I've always been like really hard-headed and I don't, you know, need to hear what a therapist has to say, but you want to talk to me.

So I thank you for being open to talking to someone because I get that whole, like, being hard-headed and I don't need anybody, but that's not going to serve you. And so it's better to find that out at 24 than to be 44 and still being in the same place you are. Because believe me, I talked to a lot of 44-year-old men who say that too, and it's not going well. Okay. One more question.

She had, she had told me that she thinks one of the main reasons we're having problems is because we never, we never took the time to be able to stand on our own as individuals before standing together. And in doing that, we kind of handicapped ourselves by, if we split, then we can't really stand on our own yet. And I don't know if we should, if it's too late to take the time to do that, or if we should roll with it and see where it goes. Well, that's a good point, mate, is true. But there is something called

like healthy interdependence or healthy dependence on each other where you can both grow within a relationship, but it doesn't sound like you have the space to do that right now. And I do think that there's a lot to be said for figuring out who you are on your own, but you also have kids right now. Because I agree with her that you haven't had a lot of time alone, but you can still create independence in a relationship. But I just think it'll be hard for you right now with the situation you're in. Oh, it's very hard.

Yeah, it sounds really hard, Daniel. But you're going to get through this and I love that you're calling in and I do think that these are all great things to bring up in therapy. How do you still grow and figure out who you are outside of the relationship when you're in a relationship? It doesn't always mean separation. It just takes maturity and talking it through and being really honest and open and being able to listen Yeah, I'm gonna try that because like you know, they say history repeats itself like yes

My parents they split when I was about to and my mom moved to Corpus Christi my dad stayed in Houston And I would go back and forth every year and I was talking to Frankie's my fiance's name. I was talking to Frankie and she said that if we did split then she was gonna go back to Sinton. And I was like, that sounds just like my childhood, my parents split when I was a baby and moved to different cities.

And. Yeah, history does repeat itself. It's true. You know, so how do you stop the cycle I think it's by learning how to communicate and learning how to problem solve together and learning how to be really good partners to each other learning how to care for other people and so keep your independence which is a practice and at 24 I didn't know how to do that it's not easy so yeah I it. You don't want to be going back and forth.

But I mean, I love that you're asking these questions now because I'm telling you so many people just keep repeating things from the past without ever looking at it. This could start you on a great journey. It's good to start now. And hopefully you guys can, by having an outside or help you, you'll be able to hear a different perspective that

you can both kind of come together on and have different conversations that aren't the same. Because I'm assuming you're having the same conversations right now, you know, and that's not going anywhere. So except for like we should separate, which maybe you should, but we won't really know yet. But I see not wanting to repeat that. Yeah, of course. So what can you do differently now?

It doesn't have to repeat itself. The fact that you've had awareness is really great. Well, yeah, definitely take your advice and talk to her. Yeah. Going to a dance room. That doesn't work. Take it for work. Yeah, let me know.

You can reach out again. We could do another call if she wants to come on the call with you We could do one together. Okay, okay Okay, good Daniel just keep me posted, okay, you got this It's really responsible and I'm here for you. Thank you. I'm okay. Have a good day. Have a good night. Bye and I'm here for you. Okay, have a good day, have a good night, bye. Yeah, you guys, I know that I often talk about couples going into therapy together, but we all need help outside sometimes.

That's really young to get married and to have kids and to try to problem solve, and they have to be everything to each other right now, and as we know, that's just a challenge in relationships. So listen, a lot of your health insurance plans will cover you going to therapy and I think it's just a really important next step. And I'm going to reiterate what I said that if you are thinking of just leaving somebody and you have kids, remember you're still going to be into other's lives forever.

So you might as well figure out how to be effective communicators for the long term. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where every listener podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this, they will too. We released two to three episodes a week.

Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all at Sex with Emily. If you want to ask me a question about sex dating or relationships, you can email me feedback at sexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. And check out my website. We have so many articles on there helping you better sex and you can check out our guides at sexwithemily.com slash guides for free guides that will give you expansive tips and activities. Sign up for weekly emails because hey I've been told I give really good emails. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com

you