Sex With Emily - Hotline Calls: Can We Fix Our Chemistry?

Episode Date: March 28, 2025

Are you and your partner sexually compatible? That’s the theme of today’s Hotline Calls show, as my Producer and I break down these couples' sex and relationship issues. First, when your partner isn’t pleasuring you as much as you’d like, does that mean they aren’t attracted? Or just nervous? Next, do you squirt during sex? It’s a goal for many, but what if it’s happening more than you’d like? How about sex drive discrepancy? When you’ve had more chemistry with past partners – and more sex – is your current partner not a fit? Or do you need to find a middle ground? Finally, what happens when your partner’s got a kink that weirds you out? We don’t yuck anyone’s yum here, but one caller needs advice on navigating brother-sister role play. Have a question? Call my Hotline 559-TALK-SEX (559-825-5739) or message me at sexwithemily.com/askemily. In today’s episode, you’ll learn: The surprising truth about sexual compatibility—and why mismatched libidos aren’t the end of the road. Why squirting too much can actually be a turn-off (and how to control it if it’s becoming an issue). The best way to respond when your partner’s kink catches you off guard—without killing the mood. Show Notes: Join the SmartSX Membership: Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. Yes! No! Maybe? List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides.  SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website  Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok | Threads | YouTube Let’s text: Sign up here Want me to slide into your email inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com

You've been together for five years and I always think before you decide to leave a relationship, make sure that you've done everything you can to see if it could work. And that would include a healthier conversation with her about your sex life and trying to remember the things that you did fall in love with when your sex life was great and trying to have the conversation with her in that spirit. In the spirit of let's try to come together and find ways that this can work. Let's see how we can be great lovers to each other. Let's talk about some of our turn-ons and what's worked for us. Let's try some new things to see if we are really compatible. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your

pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. We're back with another Hotline Calls episode and this one is juicy. My producer Erica and I discuss what to do if you're not comfortable with a partner's fantasies, ridding yourself of any shame associated with squirting, what it means if you keep comparing a partner to past relationships, and how to talk to a partner if they're afraid to touch you exactly how you want. If you wanna leave a voicemail with your question, please do call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX

or 559-825-5739. You can also leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the podcast. It just helps get the podcast out to more people like you. You can find us on all social media. It is at Sex with Emily. And don't forget to check out my new article, How to Spring Clean Your Sex Life on SexWithEmily.com. All right everyone, 23 in Oklahoma.

Hi, Emily. My name is Samantha. I am 23 years old from Oklahoma. And my question for you is my boyfriend and I have been together. It'll be two years next month and I constantly in the bedroom ask him if he could play with my nipples, if he could touch my body. That's a problem or maybe not a problem, but something about me is I have inverted nipples, and I don't think

that's something he's ever seen before. Therefore, he has a really hard time playing with them. I think it's a confidence thing. I've given him tips, but not only that, I feel like he has a problem with touching my body in general. I don't know if it's because he doesn't want to be disrespectful or do something that would make me uncomfortable but I constantly reassure him that it's a space that I trust him and there's even times where I

physically take his hand and put them on my body but when you're in the moment, it does kind of ruin things just because I do feel like, do you like me? Do you find me attractive? And we've had this conversation multiple times and it just seems like nothing is really changing. So my question is like, do we have a lack of chemistry? Is there something that we can do to make things a little bit easier? I would love your input. Thank you so much. All right. Samantha, thank you so much for your question. Okay. She seems very, very thoughtful. Samantha, I can get that it's frustrating that you hear yourself asking your partner for something and it's just not happening. And she kind of nailed it. She said, I think it's a confidence thing. And I think she might be right. She's 23 years old. I'm assuming he's about the same age.

And a lot of times it could be that he's just not really sure how, even though she's guiding his hands, he really might not be sure what to do. We've seen this time and again, where he might be the school of thought of, well, maybe penetration is more important than touching your body. He might not understand that she's asking because foreplay is so important to her, and this is what turns her on and what arouses her. I don't think it has anything to do with her inverted nipples.

I think it sounds like it's more of an overall understanding and for him sort of committing to giving touch to her body and he might feel she doesn't need it, it's not a requirement, he'd rather just get to penetration or doesn't really know actually how to do it even though she's trying to guide him. Yeah, yeah, it might not be about the inverted nipples,

more just about nipple play in general. He might not know how to touch or stimulate a breast properly and with confidence, like she said. Yeah, so maybe you can show him a little bit more and you're saying that in the moment to touch or stimulate a breast properly and with confidence like she said. Yeah so maybe you can show them a little bit more and you're saying that in the moment that can be a little awkward sounds like that might not be going over as well. This might be a great conversation for date night. Mm-hmm. For when you guys are

just hanging out the two of you. You can say let's talk about our sex life. Let's talk about being great lovers to each other what that might look like. I know that I'm guiding you during sex. Is there sometimes I put your hands on my body because it feels so great. And it's just turn on to put your hands all over my body. I'm not sure how that is for you. Let me know, what's that like?

No. Is there something else I can do? Is there anything that you want? And it's just, you start talking about your sex life. You just start doing it and see how that goes. Cause then you'll have more answers. During that conversation, you can also open up about how important it is for him to touch your body,

both because it feels good and because it gives you a boost of confidence that he loves and adores your body. If you're getting the sense that he doesn't like your body, you're feeling not attractive during sex, that's an important thing to bring up. And that might be like a great incentive for him to be like, oh, wow, babe, I don't want you to feel that.

And I want you to feel adored and ravished and loved. You know, when we make assumptions and we make up stories, we all do this, like, well, this must not be happening because all of these reasons, but we don't actually know till we have the conversation. And so much more will be revealed once you do. Let us know how it goes, too. Remember, please update us,

feedback at sexwithemily.com. We love the updates. Thanks, Samantha. This is from Mallory, 18 in Texas. Hi, Emily. My name is Mallory. I live in Texas and my pronouns are she, her. I just have a question about squirting

because I've noticed ever since me and my boyfriend became active, I squirt a lot. It's like every time he puts it in or whether it's a finger, a toy, or himself, you know, I'm squirting the entire time. And I feel very self-conscious about it. He says he likes it and it turns him on more because he's doing it right, but I don't know. Can you just give me a little bit of tips on how to feel more comfortable with myself? Thank you so much. I appreciate it, Emily. Bye. Thanks, Mallory. Thanks for your question. I love that you are squirting and hopefully it feels good to you. And I get though that it can be a little bit

confusing and you're like, really? You like this? It's messy. I've got fluids coming out of me. You know, what do I do? So first I want to say that I love that your partner is really open and down with it. I think a lot of people have fantasies around their partner squirting and there you are Mallory, squirting and you know, everyone's feeling good. Some ways to feel comfortable about it is just that, like accepting that this is what your body's doing. It's hopefully giving you pleasure and feeling good and like something a little bit different. A lot of times it's the mess, right? And when you say it yourself conscious about it, it could be there's a mess everywhere. I got to change my clothes. I got to change the sheets. Have a sex mat right by the bed whenever you have sex. You can

easily just lay down on your bed every time you have sex. It soaks up liquid. It's not gonna get your sheets dirty and then you just throw it in the washer dryer. I'm a fan of that. That's one way to feel more comfortable because I think that with the squirting, there's so much pleasure, but then also so much mess. I'm wondering what else is contributing to the self-consciousness around it.

If there's something else you need to hear from your partner around it, but if it really is just the mess, we can figure that out. And I think preparing in such a way like putting down a sex mat just kind of automatically Rids yourself of some of the shame of just like yeah sex is messy. Here we go. Here's a solution for it. All right next Exactly. It's like I'm getting in front of this

Yeah, and it's just sort of like I say like a lube at every nightstand have your mat by your bed Have your sex toys charged even great for sweat Exactly. Great sex is often sweaty. Right, I mean, honestly, I hate washing my duvet, however, all the time. So just protect your bed, have something by your bed that works, you know, something like this is so purposeful and it's really comfortable.

I use it all the time. I love these mats because then I, like I said, don't have to do laundry and it's hot. And it's kind of insane, like I like what you're saying, like it sets the scene. Yeah. You're like, wow, there's some goodness to come. Right, like you don't have to laundry and it's hot. And it's kind of is saying, like I like what you're saying. Like it sets the scene. You're like, wow, there's some goodness to come. Right, like you don't have to feel shame about it. Your boyfriend already likes it.

And I think it's a great way to feel more comfortable, be more intentional and feel more connected to your partner without the worrisome thoughts. Which means we always have more pleasure when we're intentional and connected. Exactly, and Mallory, I think it's so more pleasure when we're intentional and connected. Exactly. And Mallory, I think it's so great that you're able to squirt.

I do feel like we should touch on your boyfriend's belief that the more you squirting, that means the more he's doing it right, which if you've listened to this show, you know that squirting and orgasms are not synonymous. You can squirt without having an orgasm. You can orgasm without squirting. So it's not necessarily doing it right or wrong, it's just like okay he's doing it in such a way that you are squirting. There is a

lot of value placed on squirting like if I can squirt then I'm gonna win the like sex award or something and I think it's a little bit overdone. I think it's because of porn. We started seeing squirting in all these recent years and we think well now it's the next thing I want to. But remember, we don't have to squirt, we can still have incredible sex. And we definitely don't wanna be pressured into it. And we don't wanna place a higher value on it. Again, the best sex is when we are, you know,

connected and communicating and we're all feeling good. So I don't want this to be another thing that everyone feels is like the holy grail of sex. Because it's really not. The holy grail of sex is about conversation, commitment, and tension. And pleasure. And pleasure, and orgasms.

This is from a male, 32 in California. Hello, Dr. Emily. I am a 32 year old male from Southern California. I've been listening to your show for about a little over a year now, and absolutely love it. I've gained so much from your podcast. Thank you very much for doing what you do.

My question is surrounding the topic of my current partner who I've been with for the past five years. She does not have the same sex drive as I do, or I find that she might not be as sexual as I am. For the past five years, I've compared my sexual chemistry that I have with her and I'm comparing it to past relationships and past sexual encounters and experiences I've had with others. And because I feel like the sexual chemistry has been so much more invigorating and exciting

in past relationships, I find that my current sex life has just fallen short. And it's a hard conversation to bring up. I've tried it once in the past. It didn't go the way I wanted it to go. She got a little defensive and hurt. And so I refrain going forward from really bringing it up. I'm curious what your take is on it. All right, thank you so much for your thoughtful question.

Okay, so what we're talking about is the very common dilemma that many couples find themselves in, and that is mismatched sex drives. One partner wants sex more often than another, but in this case also he's doing the comparing to the past. And that's also an interesting place to go because remember, we tend to have this euphoric recall where we remember all of our past sexual experiences, many of them. Our exes, we put them on this pedestal and everything was great and all your past experiences were better than this one. So I just want to caution to that because, you know, there's a reason

you're not with those people. Remember that. And I think that they can use them as a learning tool, but I don't think it means that you're going to be able to go back in time and recreate what we think was there. It's just just again, more information about knowing maybe what's possible, but keeping your attention focused on the relationship that you're in in the moment, I think is helpful. So here's the thing about sexual chemistry and long-term relationships, and I would say five years in, this is a long-term relationship. It tends to change when we're with somebody for this long. And it does take a little bit of work to keep it hot. You know, you got to talk about it.

It sounds to me like this hasn't been a conversation. What I'm hearing from you is that you're spending a lot of time perhaps building a case that it has to be over, your past was better, you might just be mismatched as time to move on. And if you've been listening you know that trying to bring it up only once isn't gonna do it because I gotta remind everybody when you bring up sex for the first time especially in a long-term relationship you better just be prepared for your partner to get defensive. Right seems like a very normal

reaction. We get defensive because we don't hear people talk about it. We've never brought it up so if you're bringing it up, it must mean to tell me that I'm doing something wrong. And then our brain goes to, I'm a terrible lover, I'm a bad person, you don't like my body. So she goes to all these places. So I get why it's been hard for you to bring up. I do understand that,

but you're gonna have to bring it up again and you're gonna have to reinforce to her that, you know, I brought it up, I know you got defensive and I really want you to know that this is about both of us. Blame it on me, listening to sex on my podcast has made me realize that we really need to talk about it.

Often, couples who talk about it tend to have more incredible sex and more pleasurable sex. And reminding everybody that the couples who do talk about it a lot had a defensive conversation likely in the beginning and they move past that conversation. And they were able to actually get past the shame, past the stress of it and realize that you're both there

for the same reason to have connected meaningful sex that can go the distance. And remember that it takes two to tango. If you are spending all your time thinking about how she doesn't compare to your past lovers, it sounds like you've already kind of decided, nope, this is just the way it is. It's not going to work. That's probably reflecting in your actions and how you're treating her.

It doesn't sound like you're doing the work to improve the sex life aside from that one conversation, which I do commend you for. It is so hard to talk about sex in relationships. It is so hard. And I think you're right. The more we spend our time building the case, a lot of us have negativity bias and this plays out in relationships as well. We're thinking of negative thoughts, right? Our brain just defaults to the negative.

It does, it's our survival mechanism from our ancestors. We just are scanning the environment for what's wrong. But when this happens in our relationships, it can be almost detrimental and hard to get out of these situations. So we almost need five positives to one negative. What are the positive things? Can you try to think about things that you do like about this relationship? Sexual experiences that you have like with her, other things that you appreciate about her. Because in our minds, we can create great cases for why it's not gonna work and why you have to move on. And if we don't have a healthy

experience of talking about sex, I guarantee you're gonna get into the next relationship and you might just find yourself in the same position. So you've been together for five years and I always think before you decide to leave a relationship, make sure that you've done everything you can to see if it could work. And that would include a healthier conversation with her about your sex life and trying to remember the things that you did fall in love with when your sex life was great and trying to have the conversation with her in that spirit. In the spirit of let's try to come together and find ways that this can work. Let's see how we can be great lovers to each other.

Let's talk about some of our turn-ons and what's worked for us. Let's try some new things to see if we are really compatible. And you have these conversations and you decide to do all the things I talk about on the show. You said that you listen to the show so the yes no maybe list, scheduling sex, talking about your fantasies and desires and all the things and even yet still after you do all of that

she still isn't into it, the sex isn't great. Well then you can say okay I've tried but right now I still think there's some important work to do in this relationship. Thank you so much for your question okay keep? Keep us posted. Don't reminisce on the past because we've got one more juicy call in the future. So make sure to stick around after a quick break for our sponsors. This is Chloe 34 in California.

This is Chloe, 34 in California. Hi, my name is Chloe and I'm 30 years old. I live in Los Angeles. I recently started seeing a guy who's very into taboo play and he specifically writes brother-sister play. And I told him I'm not really into that. He doesn't force it on me. We actually haven't really fully done it because he doesn't really like to do it if I'm not into it or like any partner.

So we haven't really done it. I told him I could maybe do like step-brothering sister because I don't have those. So it's not as weird, but he really likes the brother-sister dynamic and the whole like incest vibe kind of concerns me. And I'm personally just kind of curious like where that kink even comes from. Part of me is like concerned he might have been abused as a child and that we're not close enough by any means to even really have that discussion. I was just wondering kind of what your thoughts were on that specific taboo kink, where it might come from, and if you have any suggestions for those of us who may have partners who are into it but aren't really sure where to start or where a boundary might be. Thanks. All right, Chloe. I love that you asked this question for many reasons. First off, I get asked

this question a lot. People ask me, friends ask me, they're like, what is it with all these daughter and daddy sleeping together and incest porn, as we call it, like, why is it such a trend? Does it mean that people are doing this? What does it mean? Like, it's sort of the most taboo,

like really for many of us, just out there thing we can think of. And we're like, what does this say about our society that it's trending and so popular? Have you ever had these thoughts about it, Erica? I find it very interesting as well. No shame, but it is interesting. It is interesting. It's interesting. Yes.

You're like, what does that mean? Is it because I've literally, I mean, and I'm going to give you some of the research here and some of the studies, but in my mind, I'm like, is it because there's more divorced families now and there's more step families that this is actually a fantasy that's happening? Or is it people who have experienced incest? Like what is the root of it? I think that's what she's asking.

It's called faux-cest porn and it has been trending in recent years. There's been studies that show the states that are actually more sexually repressed and have more laws against sex and are just maybe more conservative, they find that in those states there's more use of this porn, more search, more people watch incest porn in those states. Which speaks to the fact that this is highly taboo. I mean, this is the

top of all taboos is incest. Like, oh my God, like once we start to escalate our porn watching, this might be somewhere we go. We're like, now that's the most extreme thing. And then that gets linked up in our brain is like, this is so extreme that it's actually really hot and really pushing the boundary because, you know, few sexual acts are really as extreme or as deviant as incest. Now remember this about porn,

there's a lot of fantasies for that matter. There's a lot of things that we like to watch or that we like to think about that we would never wanna do in our personal lives. And so that's why we like porn and that's why we have fantasies because we think it's an outlet for these extreme thoughts or fantasies that I have that I'm not really gonna do,

but I'm gonna use it as fodder for my arousal, which is, you know, healthy. However, I also understand your concerns as it mean that this person has a history of it. However, I also understand your concerns. Does it mean that this person has a history of it? And there have been studies that have shown that it's really not related, that there isn't a correlation between people who have experienced incest and who are into incest porn, that it really just became trending. And there were some saying is it like a chicken and egg thing? Is it because people want it that the porn

industry is supplying it or is the porn industry supplying it and we want it. And there again, there hasn't been a lot of like conclusive data around it. And what it all says though, really, it's more of like these are extreme taboo things to watch. We might be so oversaturated with certain kinds of porn that just people just having sex and the pizza guy delivering a pizza to the isn't enough anymore.

So this gives us a whole nother level of extreme porn to watch. And so, you know, what do you do that if your partner? So if your partner is really into it and it's not your jam. Well, first of all, I want to say that I like that she was like, I might be into step brother. He's like, Nope, it has to be blood related. And that to me is a little bit confusing, especially with extreme fantasies. For example, like we always say, if someone has a threesome fantasy,

sometimes it doesn't have to happen in real life. You can just talk about it and you can compromise. You can say like, let's talk about the threesome before we actually have a threesome, if ever. And so in this case, I think this compromise was really fair to say, can we just tweak the roles here and he's still not into it. So, you know, I think that you should never do anything

in a relationship that doesn't make you comfortable, especially if this is a huge turnoff for you, you don't have to do it at all. First, if this makes sense to you and it makes you feel a little bit better because that necessarily means that something's wrong with him and he's at a kink, he's just used to watching this porn,

maybe you can kind of get into it and see if it's your thing, try it once. But again, if not, not your thing, you don't have to try it. But I understand your concern. And I would also say, have a talk with him about it. Ask him in a very open, compassionate, curious tone, tell me more about this fantasy.

When do you first remember having it? Where did it come from? What does it make you feel? Walk me through why it's hot for you and me to be in it. And maybe, just maybe, when he describes this to you, Chloe, the source of his arousal and where it came from and why it would be hot for both of you, that might be enough for you to say,

you know what, I'll try it. But just gather more information. We're always allowed to get curious when our partner gives us some information that we're not really sure about, like we would do in any scenario. That's not sex. We get curious, we get clarifying questions and I recommend that you do this here and then you get to make your decision about what you want to do next. Love that.

Thanks, Chloe. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or a partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter or X and Facebook. It's all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up on SexWithEmily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides

and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline, 559talksex. That's 559-825-5739, or just go to SexWithEmily.com slash ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com.