Sex With Emily - Hotline Calls: How to Fantasize Together

Episode Date: March 21, 2025

The Sex With Emily Hotline is open! On this episode, I’m joined by my Producer, Erica, as we talk about disappearing erections, prostate massages, and so much more.  First, what do you do when your partner has health issues that cause them to lose their erections? I give one caller ideas for how to work around this issue and thoughts on what might be causing it in the first place. Next, why don’t couples fantasize together more often? A couple calls in to share their sexual fantasies, and we give you inspo on how to do the same with your partner. When your partner wants a prostate massage, how do you pull it off? I tell you what to feel for, how to apply pressure and fun toys you can use. Finally, when your partner has never had an orgasm before, how can you help? And should you? In this episode, you’ll learn: Why erectile challenges aren’t just about the penis—and how you can spice things up while finding solutions How to co-create fantasies with your partner for hotter, more connected sex The secret to unlocking prostate pleasure (and why so many men are missing out) Show Notes: Join the SmartSX Membership: Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. Head to MarleySpoon.com/offer/swe and use code SWE for up to 27 FREE meals! Yes! No! Maybe? List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides.  SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website  Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok | Threads | YouTube Let’s text: Sign up here Want me to slide into your email inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com

I used to blame my partners and think it was their fault that I wasn't having orgasms, but actually I realized that I was responsible for my own orgasm and I had to really spend some time learning my body, masturbating, getting rid of all the shame, the stress, the trauma, learning to breathe, use toys, communicate. All the things that I talk about are the things that she's going to have to do. Is she willing to work on it with you? You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

We're back with another Hotline Calls episode. I'm loving these episodes. Let me know what you think of them. I really hope you're enjoying them. And again, if you wanna leave a voicemail with your question, please do. Just call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX or 559-825-5739. You can also leave your questions or message me at SexWithEmily.com slash AskEmily.

Today, my fabulous producer Eric and I are answering your questions on what to do when a partner struggles to maintain their erections, why people aren't encouraged to fantasize in the bedroom asked by a couple, tips for prostate play, and how to help a sexually frustrated partner who's never orgasmed. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the podcast. It just helps get the podcast out to more people like you. You can find us on all social media. It is at Sex with Emily.

And don't forget to check out my new articles, Vaginal Health Solutions You Didn't Know Existed and How to Give an Erotic Massage, on our website, sexwithemily.com. All right everyone, enjoy this episode. Here's a shocking truth about your health. Whether you want to lose weight, improve your energy, or just beat that uncomfortable post-meal bloat, nothing works if your gut

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That's sexwithemily.com slash Mimi. Use code EMILY20 for 20% off your order. That's code EMILY20 at sexwithemily.com slash Mimi. Okay, this is Eileen. She's in her early 40s and lives in Connecticut. Hi Dr. Emily. The name is Eileen, based in Connecticut, hard for it to be exact. I've been married 15 years. I'm a professional. I'm a professional. We're both straight of course. Right now we have some issues. He is a diabetic and he's 49 years old. He also has high blood pressure. I'm in my early 40s and I have the libido of a 20 year old woman. The issue is he has a problem maintaining

an erection and our sex life is really crappy right now. I don't know how else to describe it but I'm calling because I do listen to your podcast for tips and just interesting ways to keep it interesting. Do you have any tips right now? What can I do to help with this process? I'm just struggling. Please let me know what are some of the things that we can do outside of speaking to a doctor to help with erection. Take it away, Emily. All right, okay, let's go there, Eileen.

Well, let's just start with this. You know, people come to me, they can't have erections or they can't have orgasms, and you really gotta look at a lot of different factors. And thank you for all this background information because what I need to start with here is that he's a diabetic and he has high blood pressure. I'm gonna guess that he's on some medication for those and those are some

culprits there. Medication for blood pressure or diabetes can directly impact his erection. I don't know if this was happening in the past or it's a new development in your sex life but unfortunately he is gonna have to talk to his doctor about it because there are ways they can play around with medication. He could maybe take a little bit less of one, they could add another, maybe on the weekends when you know you're gonna have sex, maybe just half of it or take it the earlier in the day. There's different things you can do to work around the medication. That's one thing. The other thing is how healthy is

he? What kind of food does he eat? Does he move his body? There's a lot of different factors and his age. Also men's testosterone tends to drop after the age of 40. So could be testosterone. And so I know you don't want me to send you to a doctor and you're asking to spice things up. So what I might say to you is, okay, listen, Eileen, without going to a doctor, you just heard all the reasons why I think he does need to talk to a doctor.

But first I want to know what does give you pleasure? What do you need right now to be turned on? And would that also turn him on? Like if you look at your relationship and you've been together for 15 years, you have some history to go back on and look at your relationship. When has it worked in the past? What was the hottest moments for you? When were you really turned on with him? I'm hoping that this is just like a new onset of something that we can work with. What I'm hoping that this is just like a new onset of something that we can work with. What I'm hoping is there's some really memorable times

that you could go back to and think about it. Were you on vacation? Were you using certain toys? And speaking of toys, if he is having a hard time getting erection, but he's still turned on, I would recommend getting a penis ring or a cock ring as it's called in the business.

You know, Lalo has one that I love called the Tor3. It's really cool because it's body safe silicone, it's got some powerful settings, he wears around his penis, it also rubs up against your clitoris and so that might help him maintain erections and it might help you have more pleasure. I hope Eileen that your husband is going down on you and giving you pleasure in all the other ways since your libido is still rocking in your early 40s. I was thinking the dildo.

If you're missing that penetration, that fullness, then maybe, yeah. You could try a dildo, which is a vibrator that doesn't vibrate. Dildos give you that fullness. Maybe your partner could use it on you because I'm assuming he probably doesn't feel great about it either. Listen, when a man can't get an erection, it is not a good day, not a good time. It is really, really

challenging for men. That's also how they tend to measure their masculinity and how, you know, he wants to be a great lover to you. So if there's other things you could do like that, like he could use a toy on you. Also, have you ever tried prostate play? That would be another fun thing to try out when men sometimes can't have erections. Believe me, they can have a lot of pleasure in their prostate. And A, he might find that he gets an erection from that,

but either way, B, he could also have an incredible prostate orgasm. I was just gonna ask, does prostate play and prostate simulation, can that help with erections as well? It can, for some men that helps them have an erection. Wow. And for some men it doesn them have an erection. Wow. And for some men it doesn't.

So you get to play around and figure it out, but it does give the majority of men a whole lot of pleasure. I would say also- Another reason for men to try anal. Another reason. As if we need another reason to convince the men everywhere to try anal.

I'm also an anal pleasure. I just think I'll try it out. And also that might be exciting for you too, Eileen, even though I love that she's got a sex drive of a woman in her twenties, Eileen, that's amazing. So I think whatever you can do also to find ways that you're pleased, just go shopping, buy some toys, play around, keep masturbating and keep talking to him.

Cause I'm hoping that he wants to get to the bottom of this as well. So, go to the doctor together. Yeah, you could go to the doctor. I know we're not allowed to tell you to go to the doctor of this as well. So. Mm-hmm. Go to the doctor together. Yeah, you could go to the doctor. I know, we're not allowed to tell her go to the doctor. Right. But. Go to the doctor.

Go to the doctor. Okay, thank you for your question. Thanks, Eileen. Wait, why aren't we allowed to say go to the doctor? Oh, she told us not to. She said to us, what can I do outside of going to the doctor? So I'm honoring her request, but at the end of the day, he should go to the doctor.

We gave her options. We gave you options, but also, go to the doctor. Go to the doctor. Get those meds checked. I'm listening and I'm also asserting my power. Okay, got it. This is a couple.

Oh, I love it. We got a couple. It's Sam and Andy, 28 and 30 in San Diego. Hi, Emily. My name is Sam and I'm here with my partner, Andy. We are 28 and 30 and we're based in San Diego, California. And we wanted to share with you how amazing our communication is. We have an extremely strong relationship. We've been dating for about five months and I'm gonna let Andy talk a little bit about how we use imagination in the bedroom

because we feel that we are able to do that because our communication is so strong. So take it away, Andy. Hey, Emily. So imagination, it's the first time for both of us where we're imagining together versus in our own head separately. So imagination, it's the first time for both of us where we're imagining together versus in our own head separately.

And it's been really liberating and kind of wild. It's really playful. It feels like we've been kids again and we've imagined ourselves in all kinds of scenarios. Orgies with circus performers, animals in bed, sexy situations in planes, and the list keeps going on. It kind of feels like we'll always have this creative source to go back to. And we wanted to ask, how do you think imagination plays a role in hot, intimate sex? And why do you think it's so hard or kind of discouraged in society for people to imagine

together? Why do you think it's so hot to be creating together? Thanks for taking our questions. Thanks, Emily. We look forward to hearing from you. Thanks Sam and Andy. I, Emily. We look forward to hearing from you. Thanks, Sam and Andy. I love this. I love them.

Just so you know, we don't favor anybody, but I do love what a couple calls in. Come on, couples. We want to hear from you. We want to hear from you. This is fantastic. So basically they're just saying we found something that works for us. And why doesn't it work for others? First off, I think it does work for many couples.

I haven't heard from many couples that really have explained it. So I love that they went into great detail does work for many couples. I haven't heard from many couples that really have explained it, so I love that they went into great detail here. Because for many couples, if they feel safe with a partner, and it sounds like you do, you have excellent communication, and when I talk about excellent communication, and when they're talking about excellent communication,

they mean couples who are vulnerable with each other and are safe sharing their fantasies, and it sounds like they are literally co-creating a really erotic life together. Often you'll hear me recommend to couples before you have a threesome, role play the threesome in your head. Talk about it like how hot and sexy it was for us to be with this partner, to be with this person, but I love that you guys are doing it really about everything. And the other thing is couples who do have some of these sexy experiences who actually act them out. This is like who gap threesomes or do extra sexy things.

They often find that that's fodder for their relationships for weeks or months to come. They're like, remember that time when they actually experienced something. But you guys are just talking about the actual imagination and your question is, why don't more people do it? And I think that we have a lot of shame. We're not comfortable talking about

sex with our partner. We're afraid our partner is going to yuck our yum. If I said to my partner, I want to have an orgy with circus performers, and they're like, that's weird. I want to break up with you. That's what we all imagine is going to happen. We're not going to go there. But I think this is really going to open it up for a lot of people listening right now. I know. I want to dive into this. I think that's such an interesting question. Why aren't people encouraged to have these fantasy scenarios of like imagining other people in better? Why do you think people are sensitive to it

even within a relationship? A few things. It still comes from number one, the shame, that something that I want is going to be judged. I'm a freak for wanting this, my partner's not gonna want it. I think that's one reason. So we're just like so afraid that our partner won't really get our fantasy

and we don't have a lot of experience to talking about fantasy. So that's also it. And the other thing is, some people don't have a lot of fantasies. Some people just sort of think about what's happening in the moment or just sort of haven't had a lot of time

exploring fantasies together. So maybe they just feel like they don't have a lot to contribute there. And again, why don't we? It's because we don't had a lot of time exploring fantasies together. So maybe they just feel like they don't have a lot to contribute there. And again, why don't we? It's because we don't have a lot of examples of it. People aren't talking about this stuff, but I do think that it takes some work. It's a skillset.

Yeah. Actually learning to co-create and share fantasies is something that you have to practice. So maybe you watch porn together or you listen to some audio erotica and you try to find scenarios that do turn you on. and that could be a way to share it with a partner. But I just think again, no one's really encouraging it. We don't see how the examples of it.

Right. Because I feel like there's so many cases of hot sex being valued as this like sacred pure thing with nothing else involved. If you bring in a toy, it's not real sex. If you bring in lube, it's not real sex. If you bring in lube, it's not real sex. It's like anything beyond what's actually there in the bedroom, either somehow like taints it in a way, or maybe one partner feels inadequate of like, you need to imagine like three other people in bed with us in order to get turned on versus they're saying, oh no, we have such great communication that we're able to like go off and have all these adventures

and have so much endless fun together in the bedroom. Yeah, all great points. I think, yeah, the other thing is exactly what you're saying is that it's jealousy. People are worried that if I talk about wanting to be with anything else other than my partner, it sort of violates the societal norm that exactly that, we're supposed to only have sex with one person.

And if we have to do anything else, bring in a Lou, bring in a toy, even talk about sex, it taints this otherwise, you know, what should be this miraculous, wonderful sex every single time. And this is just another sex tool to put in your toolkit that I actually think is really hot and can help so many couples. Play this for your partner right now. Maybe your partner needs to hear this and they'll be inspired. They'll be like, oh, really? Are you down with sharing fantasies?

Let's go. But I think we also have the maturity to realize that just because our partner is sharing a fantasy, it doesn't mean that they necessarily want to try it. So there are certain people who will do this experiment with their partner and then they might, if they haven't really done the work on themselves, they might walk away thinking, my partner wants a threesome now and wants to go to the circus. They're literally not going to be able to separate it. Right. Like I'm not good enough. My partner's bored with just me. It's like, no, just spice

it up a little. Just spice it up. It doesn't necessarily mean it, especially if you guys are doing it together. We need fantasy. We need to add things to our sex life. A rich fantasy life is part of being sexually healthy overall. I highly encourage it. This should be an inspiration to many. Thanks Sam and Andy.

Great inspo. Appreciate you guys. We're going to take a quick break for our wonderful sponsors. We'll be right back. So I wanted to get into a better meal routine this year, but work, life, everything else, figuring out healthy meals that actually taste good felt impossible. Well, then I found Marley Spoon and suddenly cooking at home went from stressful to simple. And dare I say, I'm even having some fun. This podcast is sponsored by Marley Spoon and suddenly cooking at home went from stressful to simple. And dare I say, I'm even having some fun. This podcast is sponsored by Marley Spoon.

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This is from Nat, 28 in San Francisco. Hi, Emily. Your podcast has been so helpful and I have a question for you. My name is Nat and I am 28 years old from the San Francisco Bay Area. My boyfriend, he really enjoys pocket simulation slash play and I really enjoy pleasuring him in this way, but I feel like I'm not doing it that well. It's new to him too. So I've asked him for pointers, but he doesn't know what would improve it either. He's open to a toy. We've discussed that, but I am wondering which one we could use or if there is a specific kind of movement, amount of lube, et cetera, that I could do slash use my fingers to enhance it.

I just feel like my finger doesn't go deep enough and I'm not sure how to hit the G spot or uh up to the pleasure empty. Thanks so much. I appreciate it. Bye. All right. Nat from San Francisco. Nat from San Francisco. So I love that you're both open to it and that you're trying. And since it's new for both of you, I just want to affirm what you're saying here that it is a little bit tricky to find. And that in fact your fingers might not be long enough to reach it. Because how you do reach the prostate is with your one finger you start going inside of

his anus using a lot of lube. You have to make sure that you don't have nails and if you do have nails you have to cut the nails. But you put it inside, you're looking around for like a little rough area. It is much like how you would find the G-spot. It's sort of that come hither motion when you put a finger inside towards the belly button and that's where you're going to find the prostate. But for many vulva owners our fingers just might not be long enough so I highly recommend getting a toy that is made just for this. We have specific prostate toys. In fact, on our shop with Emily's site,

we've got a whole selection of prostate toys that are literally shaped like the prostate. And it makes it so much easier for you to insert and play around. I mean, you'll still be a part of it. You could be holding the toy and using lots of lube. Take a look at these prostate toys on our site and see what you think.

You can also just start out with a butt plug. A butt plug might be a way of him just feeling more arousal and getting turned on and getting used to anal stimulation, but a butt plug typically is not going to be the thing that's going to reach his prostate. And when it does hit the prostate, since it's his first time too, how would he know that she's hit it?

He'll start to feel this sensation of pleasure. You might even start to feel some fluid moving through his penis. He might feel a sudden urge to pee. That could be one thing. Let me just read you some things that people have said. One guy said, he didn't expect it. It was a new sensation.

It was feeling like someone lighting a fire in my feet and feeling it slowly spread all the way at my body, slowly moving through my torso and making me shiver. I was in shock. Alan said my first prostate induced orgasm felt like an out-of-body explosion. My head was dizzy for like a minute afterward and I had this absolutely incredible rush of pleasure. Needless to say, I was hooked and wanted to keep going. Men report that just feels like a different kind of orgasm. It's really intense, but I think you're right. If you're saying you're not hitting it, you're probably not. You might

be getting close to it, but I've found that toys are a much easier way to find it. And if you guys are really communicating well together and it sounds like you're learning together, just go slow. Use a lot of lube. They'll be able to tell you when you're doing it right. For some, he might want you to just keep applying pressure to it, some like their finger or the toy to move in and out. Some like to kind of twist the toy around and feel, you know, so it's like, just like everything. We all like different kinds of sensations.

So different kinds of pressures, different movements, but as far as finding it, I think once you find it, he's going to be able to let you know what he needs next and what feels good to him. Sounds so fun. It is really fun. I love a couple that's exploring the prostate. I think it's time.

What are we waiting for? Let's go. Thanks, Nat. Let's do it. Thanks, Nat. This is from Kyle34. I am a 34 year old male who is dating a 39-year-old female.

I am in a pickle. She has never orgasmed her entire life, so she claims. And we've been dating now a year and a half. She's only had one other long-term relationship in her past. Claims to never orgasm, but I feel like it affects her mentality completely. She's uptight, she's stressed, she's worried, she's irritable, she's fiery,

and on top of that, she's very flirtatious, and rightfully so, she's a beautiful woman. But there's this certain degree of pent-upness and something that I can't quite put my thumb on. I feel like you got the wisdom because we've also hit a point of relationship where she seems so sexually frustrated yet is consciously choosing to be in a relationship with me and I'm kind of thinking like maybe we should open it up. I don't know.

Stacey, I've been her safety net for a long time. She claims safety was something she always wanted, da da da, but I'm kind of more the nice guy. She kind of goes naturally after the bad boy. We're in a little bit of a pickle and I'm just feeling your huge broad wisdom of this whole thing. And I think that you can shine the light on it.

So please let me know and thank you. Great. Wow, a lot going on there, Kyle. Kyle, first, let's unpack this. So you're 34, she's 39, you're really attracted to each other, but she's never had an orgasm. And I would say that she's told you that she probably is a little pent up and frustrated. I'm not saying that her mood is related to her not having an orgasm. I don't know if that's the case, but then you said, well, maybe we should just see other people and open it up because she is so pent up. But I think this could be a great time talking about the third pillar of sexual intelligence is collaboration. And collaboration is where you collaborate together on your sex lives and you communicate and you talk about her

not having an orgasm. I want to know more about it. Like, has she tried and it didn't happen? Has she spent some time with solo sex, figuring out her own body, what feels good? Has she allowed you to try? Have you gone down on her? Have you used your fingers? Have you tried with toys? Is she open to that? You know, does she get to the point where she's about to orgasm, but it doesn't happen? I do wanna know more about their sex life. I know.

There were so many things here. I couldn't tell if it was about their sex life or their relationship. She seems so sexually frustrated, but likes him because he feels like a safety net. I'm a little confused by that. See, what I wonder is if she's making you feel a little bad because the fact that you know that she likes the bad boy

and you're the nice guy, is she saying to you, maybe I will have an orgasm with the bad boy? Because if she's always liked bad boys, clearly that hasn't worked for her. But I don't know if you're getting in your head about it and you're like, well, I'm just not the guy to do it because I'm a nice guy. And let me tell you this, has nothing to do with it.

As somebody who dated all of them, I can tell you that personally, it was never about the partner. I used to blame my partners and think it was their fault that I wasn't having orgasms, but actually I realized that I was responsible for my own orgasm and I had to really spend some time learning my body, masturbating, getting rid of all the shame, the stress, the trauma, learning to breathe, use toys, communicate. All the things that I talk about are the things that she's going to have to do. Is she willing to work on it with you?

Because it doesn't sound to me like her going out and being sexually frustrated with someone else is really gonna be great for you guys. Especially if you really like her and you guys have been together for a while. I wonder, is she just waiting to have it during penetration? If you've never had an orgasm in your entire life,

I don't know why someone else could give that to you. Particularly a quote bad boy that's probably gonna give you more anxiety and insecurity in the relationship. Maybe an STD. Yeah, maybe an STD while you're at it. Right. I would not take it personally. I would love to encourage her to masturbate on her own.

I would want to talk about how does he feel being called a safety net? I wouldn't love that. You're settling for me. Because also, let me tell you this. I know that it's frustrating for many men, I know, when or anyone, whoever they're with when their partner's an orgasm. So I don't know how long you guys have been together,

but it probably doesn't feel great because you probably want to please her. And I know for a lot of penis owners, they get off on seeing their partner orgasm. So it sounds like it's not just a little thing on the side. I feel like it's something that you guys could really do some beautiful work together. You could try some tantric breathing.

You could go see a sex coach together. You could obviously listen to the podcast together. You could buy my book, Smart Sex, and you could go through some of the worksheets together. You could go through some of the chapters. I think that there's some work to do, especially if she's 39 years old. I think it's time for her to decide

what she wants to do to take her orgasm into her own hands and how you can help facilitate that. And please let go of any resentment. I maybe heard some of that of just like the so she claims. Like if she tells you she's never orgasmed, believe her, encourage her, don't add any pressure for her to orgasm for the first time with you,

because that's only gonna make it more difficult for her to orgasm at all. Great point. And also I want to remind you that if we're just talking about penetration, only 20% of women are gonna orgasm from penetrative sex. So I'm not sure what your oral sex game has been like or your fingering game.

That might be the way to get her there as well. Collaboration, baby. Collaboration. Let us know how it goes, Carole. I'm dying to know. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter or X and Facebook. It's all at Sex With Emily.

Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up on SexWithEmily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or just go to SexWithEmily.com slash ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at SexWithEmily.com.