Sex With Emily - Hotline Calls: How to Have the Sex You Really Want

Episode Date: August 19, 2021

So your partner is great… but you want them to bring the heat, and don’t know how to ask for it. Now what? On today’s episode, I answer calls about how to ask for exactly what you want, or conversely, don’t want. I also give advice about how to achieve orgasm without relying too heavily on porn or toys, what to do if your partner’s penis is too big for anal, what to do if YOU like giving oral but your partner isn’t as down to receive, and how to enjoy casual dating.If you’d like to ask me a question, you can call me anytime and leave a voicemail: 559-TALK-SEX (559-825-5739).Show Notes:O NutYes, No, Maybe Listb-Vibe - Anal KitFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

There's so many different ways to experience pleasure and a relationship. I think that we focus so much on penetration, and we forget all the other things that can help us build to orgasm, but if you take the focus off of the orgasm, that's part of the journey. That is sex. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized, they call them in a vogue on days.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So your partner's great, you love everything about them, you know, you've so much fun together, you're best friends, but you don't know how to ask for what you want. In bed. What do you do? Well, in today's episode, I answer calls about how to ask for exactly what you want, or

conversely, don't want. That's important too. I also give advice about how to achieve orgasm without relying too heavily on porn or toys. What to do if your partner's penis is just a little too big for anal? What to do if you like giving oral but your partner isn't so down to receive

and how to enjoy casual dating? Remember, if you wanna ask me a question which I love these episodes, I love talking to you. You can call me anytime, I'll leave a voicemail. 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 5739. All right, intentions with Emily. For each episode, let's set an intention. What do you wanna get out of this episode?

Well, my intention is to help you have the tough conversations whether you're new to talking about sex or years into a long-term relationship. Oh, also please rate the podcast, review, wherever you listen. It is so helpful. And we have a new article on our site, 10 Super Hotways to pleasure a penis. All right everybody enjoy this episode. Let's talk to Claire 28 in Los Angeles. Hey Claire. Okay well this is a first never have I ever. Okay love it welcome. Here is the scoop. I can't orgasm when I'm having sex. I have been using a vibrator and porn for like 10 plus years. I'm now in my like first adult relationship. I've never been able to orgasm with someone else. I'm able to do it myself. And I'm now in a relationship with a very nice guy, good guy this month is one year and still nothing. He takes it personally. I think it's me. I've

thought it was me being in my head this whole time. Now I think maybe it's the porn aspect. Yeah, I mean, how is your connection with him? Do you get turned on with him? Do you guys make out? Is there like a rousal and desire with him? Yeah, yeah. Okay. The whole like eating out thing

doesn't really do it for me, which, you know, I've done my research and like typically that's what should do it for me, which, you know, I've done my research and like typically that's What should do it for someone? Yeah, for many people with vulvas that does do it, but Some can't some don't like it, but some some people don't like it because they feel 30 or like they don't like their labia or they don't like their vagina and so they are keeping themselves from actually having some Amazing pleasure and I don't know which camp you fall into.

I just feel like I'm just kind of like, okay, like great. But like it's not anything like, okay, like this is where it's at. It's not really, I don't think I have enough experience to be like, how can you do this instead? Can you try? Like, I don't know. Most people don't listen. Look, it's so, I always say, I always use age as a factor, but it's like, it doesn't

even matter. People of all ages are still learning the stuff. So 28, 48. If you have an in grade or all sex, you haven't been a long term relationship with someone where you actually are learning together. I mean, think of this as like, it's been a year. And now you guys can learn together, like do some things that are a little bit awkward.

Like start to talk to them about what does feel good and what turns you on. I would do some mutual masturbation together. Maybe where he's getting off and you're getting off and then you're used to, you said you use a toy. I use it as a way, but I also use horn and I've been doing this homework assignment where I'm trying to get off without corn. And it took me literally almost an hour.

Okay. Well, you did it, though. That's a great assignment because that's what I would tell you is that it's like anything. It's like when we, when we have to try to quit something or quit drinking or smoking or getting yourself into a new routine of exercise, it's a little bit hard at first, but it's not like you're addicted to porn. It's the only way. Just the neuro path. It literally is our brain. Our brain's circuitry. Your brain is used to this, this happening before this, before this happening in the

Niveorgasm. So if you remove the porn, yeah, it's going to take a beat, but for sticking in for an hour and then having an orgasm, you're great. You're doing so much more than most people who wouldn't even get past five minutes. So that's awesome. Now, what if he becomes your porn? Like, have you guys ever tried any like, have you ever seen him masturbate? I think mutual masturbation is so much fun because you know you're going to have an orgasm.

He's going to have an orgasm. But also, you get to look at each other and it's like a show and tell. You can see how he touches himself and what What's hot for him and you can even have it one time It's just focused on you and then just focus on him and and maybe you just need some more like breathing and slowing down and kind of having him explore what What does feel good to you? So it's like that's the thing. It's like that that vibrators and porn are wrong for you It's just it sounds like you want to learn other paths to pleasure. Has he done anything that has made you feel good with his hands or the sex feel good?

Yeah, I mean, when he, when he like manually, great, I guess, so to speak. Do you have an orgasm that way? Not that it's all about orgasms. It's not. Okay. No, but I've been close and I get close when we're having like sex sex. Okay. And then what happens? It just never. Do you ever put the vibrator on your clitoris? Oh yeah. Okay. So we've already introduced using the vibrator. Okay, that's great. That's good. Yeah. So maybe you are in, like, so what happens at that moment you're just, what are you thinking about during sex? I'm thinking I can't come's good. So maybe you are. So what happens at that moment, what are you thinking about during sex? I'm thinking I can't come. Okay, so that's the thing. Okay, so another

practice for you is, right, of course, I mean, listen, when you are having those kind of thoughts during sex, the blood is rushing to your head away from your genitals. Like, there's just no way you're going to be able to be in your body, be embodied. Is there anything that you guys could share together that would turn you both on? Like do you ever do any dirty talk or could he tie you up or you tie him up or do blindfolds or massage or just something like that that would be a joint activity besides just the penetration where your brain isn't worried about orgasm? Yeah.

I mean, I could probably come up with something. Yeah. And I have tons of stuff on my website, but also another thing that I always recommend when your mind is wandering during sex. Then this might also help you when you're doing your porn homework or no porn homework. Do you think about the five senses? I really do this where I stop in the moment and I focus on my five senses. I think what am I feeling? What am I smelling? What am I tasting? What am I hearing? My hands are on his body.

My, you know, he's tasting his lips. I'm hearing this music. And then the second you anchor yourself in your five senses, you become immediately present and your thoughts go away. Mindfulness. Yeah.

I mean, I meditate. So you would think I would be really good at that. No, it's practice I was gonna say it's like a whole other ballgame when you're Having sex and you're trying to right so called meditate but after a year What kind of have you guys had any conversations about your sex life? Have you talked about fantasies or what you guys are into? Have you yes? We have okay anything anything fun anything new and exciting I mean I feel like like all guys he he would like to have it a three-sem at some point he knows that I'm like open to anal also at some point but I'm almost to the

point right now where it's like let's get me to have a vagina centric orgasm and then we can graduate to, you know, the butt. Yeah, well, I mean, but some women can have an anal orgasm too and it's just kind of all built on each other. You know, there's not just one way to orgasm and they're all sort of the same sort of nerve endings that get channeled. So it might be fun to play. Maybe if you're focusing on other kinds of play like anal play, you'll get your mind off your orgasm and maybe it'll just happen.

All right, thank you. I'll keep chugging along. Thank you. I'll keep you posted. Thanks. Bye. Thank you. Bye.

There's so many different ways to experience pleasure and a relationship. And I think that we focus so much on penetration. And we forget all the other things that can help us build to orgasm. But if you take the focus off of the orgasm and say, I wanna figure out what it feels like to be touched in a certain way and I wanna slow everything down

and try new things. That's part of the journey, that is sex. So focusing on this one one thing the orgasm. It's just really messes a lot of us up So I'm gonna keep encouraging you every day of my life to focus on the pleasure and not just the orgasm My next color is Cassandra 24 in Pennsylvania Hi Cassandra. How's it going? Hi, Emily. Tell me what's'm up. So my boyfriend, he's uncircumcised. And I feel like I did it guys in the past and they've been uncircumcised and it's been either

hard for them to come or they want me to do different things and I would normally be doing. And for him, he really, I don't feel like he really enjoys getting ahead. So then he's really not big on giving me head either. Oh. I really love giving head. I'm a people pleaser and I like raising my partner and I try asking him, you know, what do you like? What was I can you do? And he's like, just keep doing what you're doing. I don't really like that response. How long have you been with them? Eight months. Now, see, now you're guessing. You're like, I think he doesn't like it, or now he won't go down on me because of that. But let's have a conversation with him and say, I would love to know more about, you know,

your penis. The foreskin, I mean, if a guy still has the foreskin intact, so he's not circumcised, it means that it's really sensitive to the tip of the penis and the foreskin, like, if the clitoris, It's like really sensitive. But every guy likes something different, like some guys want to touch in a certain way, some don't want to touch, but like, you could kind of like pull it down over the penis

or you can use it as like to go up and down the penis, like as a up and down the shaft, but really you gotta ask them, say, show me how you like to be touched. And you also might want to do like, like the suction, like when you're with a circumcised penis, sometimes you do a lot more suction. Just think of it, like it's a sensitive, it's the most sensitive part of the penis. And it's really not that

different. But you really just ask him how he likes to be touched. So this would be a conversation that you have in you say to him, like, I would love to do more, like, maybe we could do some mutual masturbation because then you can see how he masturbates and how he touches his foreskin and then you'll know. And then he can see how you touch yourself. It's really hot, trust me. We have tried mutual masturbation and he kind of made me feel awkward. Why?

Cause I was just in my zone vibing and he's like, you're just laying there. And I'm like, I'm relaxed. Like this is how I masturbate. So now a little bit self-conscious to like, masturbating. Oh, he's like, you're just laying there? Yeah, but I was just laying there, vibing, you know? Like, you know, and, you know, it might be...

What do you think you were doing? What else were you just doing? He thought that I wasn't, he thought that I wasn't into it. Cause he probably hadn't seen someone masturbate before. That's what I was thinking. And I do try asking him how he, what he likes and show me how you want to be touched. And he goes, what you're doing is fine.

I like how you're touching me. And then I'll just try other tips that maybe I hear about her read about. And sometimes he tells me that I hurt him. But I mean, Loub has been really helpful. And he loves Loub. Game changer. And what about him going down on you?

That's important. I don't know. I don't know if it's because usually guys are like, they're begging me for it. They want me to give them hats. And I think they like will try to give me head as an incentive. But he, I'll have to beg him to give him head. I'm like, please give you head. I really want to give you head baby. So I don't know, I have to kind of ask him for it. And

I've never had to really have a guy ask guy to give me head. Usually they're like, I want you. You take so good. You know, I'm keeping it by hiking. Good. I don't bet you do. Well, this is a conversation.

Maybe he hasn't had a lot of experience. Maybe he doesn't. I think a lot of guys just don't do it maybe because they don't know how. Maybe they had a bad experience with it once. I would ask them and just tell them it's a really important. It's like you love it. Say like I love when you go down to me, I fantasize about it.

It'd be so awesome if you did that. I try it more. I always hear you in my head. I always hear you in my head. And I'm like timing tone and turf because I don't want to make and feel uncomfortable or things like that. But I mean, he has done it more than the beginning of a relationship.

So I think the little tips that I've been listening to you, and it has worked. But I'm so glad. I want him to like love it. And I just feel like he doesn't. And I'm like, well, maybe it's because he doesn't love getting head. So maybe if I made that more enjoyable for him,

he'd be open to maybe loving giving it more. I don't know. What about giving him a steward slowdown and take, because the foreskin's kind of cool. Do you ever just take it in your hand and just work on the tip and work your thumb and a circle around it and not just do a hand job? Maybe just use your hand to kind of get to see how he reacts.

No, but I'll try that. Kind of like you're polishing around the tip and just kind of moving it around. With your thumb? Yeah, I. Kind of like you're polishing around the tip and just kind of moving it around. With your thumb? Yeah, I'm kind of picturing like a thumb around the head. Like it's just, because there's a wider surface area and maybe he has some shame around being on circumcise, which is crazy, because most of the world is on circumcise,

but not in America. So I think like letting him know how sexy you think it is, maybe more, it's been eight months, which is great, but not forever. So there still sounds like there's some more work to do, maybe some more trust. Maybe he does have something, but definitely find out if he's invested in your pleasure

and giving you off with Oral, because that's important. Yeah, I mean, when he does do it, it is good. So I'm like, good, what he's doing. But then just not enough time, I I'll be going down and I love keeping it so I don't know it's just kind of like sometimes I just feel bad because most guys like want it and at first I'm like when I was in a relationship with him I'm like oh wow he's like the one guy not forcing my head down and then I'm like does he never want him? See this is the kind of thing we always think that every guy wants

blow jobs they must every guy they don't like there's some guys who really don't like it who their tip that it's too sensitive for them or they prefer and some guys feel weird because they can't work as them that way like everyone's got hang up so I think having time in turn and turf outside the bedroom and say I want to know about like what are your experiences blow jobs have you had great blow Like, what do you fantasize about? Like, have you guys had those kind of conversations? Yeah, I do. And I try opening up, I think it does have a little bit

of shame around sex because it is kind of tried hard to get him to open up and fantasize. And it is usually me putting in the idea of new stuff and different stuff. And I'd be like, hey, this is my fantasy. Hey, I want to try this tonight. Hey, look at this article from Sex Assembly that I just ran. What do you think about it?

I love it. So I'm trying to open it up for him because I think there is a lot of shame around sex for him. And I'm trying to get him to know, like, it's a safe space. Right. That's what's keeping a lot of us back from pleasure is the shame. So we'll work it on it.

The antidote to shame is pleasure. Thanks, Cassandra. Thanks Emily. Okay, bye. Maybe this is relatable to you. Are you with someone who has a lot of shame? It's really tough. Reassurance helps.

But the most important thing is to get your partner to talk these things through, talk about his shame. He can talk to a therapist. if you can see a therapist. There are also options if you need to find a therapist, there's open path, psychotherapy collective, there's good therapy, or even psychology today has a directory. You can find the links to those places

in today's show notes. Next, we've got Krista, 30 embossed him. Hi. What's going on? Yeah, thanks for calling him. Thanks. So here's my deal. I'm in a new relationship. I was in a relationship for like 17-ish years.

And it was good, and everything was good. But I've got this new relationship. Everything's going great. All the things that everybody ever wanted is happening. And it's great, you know? I'm getting everything. He's getting everything. But of course, you know, you just keep uping the ante.

And so in my past relationship, as far as size wise, I was able to handle a little bit of anal. And I'm feeling like there's a strong possibility that I'm biting off more than I can chew in my current relationship. And so I guess my question is two-parter. One is it really can be too big, correct? Like I'm not crazy to feel that way, right?

Too big for anal. Yes. I would recommend definitely practicing on your own, using a butt plug, making sure that you're open and you're using lots of lube and lots of foreplay. But how big is it? I mean, enough to make me store on a regular basis. I may or may not. I would say somewhere between the seven, eight and a half

length, but then he's got some width to him too. It's girthy. It's girthy. Yeah, it's girthy. So it's a little bit of everything. I mean, I can handle a decent amount, you know, vaguely, but, you know, there are definitely days where I'm just like, okay, dude, like I can't take anymore.

You got to stop. And like we're in that really hot and heavy phase. And so it's happening. And it's good. It's so good. Wow. Okay. So it ain't all something that you've enjoyed in the past.

Yes, with a very different partner. Right. Very different size partner. Listen, our aim is can stretch, but I don't want you to hurt yourself either. So, you know, it's all about breathing, foreplay, going slow. Now, there's something called the O-Nut. Have you heard of the O-Nut? It's like a stopper.

It's like a, it falls under the category of sex, accessory, sex toys. Okay. But it's almost like I said, it looks like a stopper. It falls under the category of sex accessory, sex toys. But it's almost like a donut. And it goes around the penis and it sort of stops it from going in too far. So it's like a donut. It's like a peanut stopper. Yeah, it's like a stopper that would go at the base of his penis, kind of like a cock ring.

Okay. Now, that's not going to help the girth purplift that could help if it ever hurts too much, like vaginally. And annually, honestly, I just don't want you to hurt yourself. I want you to just do all the things. There is a chance that it's too big. There is a chance that you won't be able to get it in. But I've seen people do amazing, people done amazing things.

But I just, I think if you don't do it all at once, you literally all at once, but that also over a week's period, you train and you go slow, you some fingers. I think I just don't even want, like I think honestly, I train and you go slow, you some fingers. I think I just don't even want, like I think honestly, I met a point where like I just needed someone to say, it really is too possible to be too big and just leave it alone. Like it's okay.

Everything else is great. It's okay. So I'm telling you that if you think it's too big, it's giving you some fear by a beginner, anal kit or something, B vibe has this great beginner, anal kit that builds up and maybe he'd have fun putting those in and out of you and playing with you that way. But yeah, it might be too big. I haven't seen it, but I'll take your word for it. And there's many other ways

to play. I think because I've had success before, it makes me feel like I have a general sense that, I mean, if everything else is good, like, yeah, many, many relationships thrive and they do not have anal sex. Right. Right. Right. Right. It could be, yes, totally be a success. Yeah. Don't worry about it. So, have fun.

Yeah. Yeah. Did you say you were in relationship for 17 years? I was. I married my ex-husband. We got, we got together when we were 19 and we got married and we were together 10 years. He's the only person I've been with. And so then, and it was good, but then this new relationship is like a whole nother level, like great communication. Right. I got really lucky that my first sexual experience, like I had a G-spadow orgasm from the

beginning. And so it was one of those things where it's like, yes, yes, who gets that lucky? And so I have that, plus I have all the squirting, and plus I have all the outside stuff. I have it all. Oh my god, you really do. It sounds like you haven't had it for a long time. I do, and it's like multiple times, and it's with sex,

and without sex, and with foreplay, and with that. So look, really, I just need to like stop. Why take it up and not treat, you know what I mean? So yeah, it sounds like it's been a good time. So he's not pressuring you, right? No, no. It's really more me because I had a success because it's something I did in the past.

So in my last relationship was good. Don't get me wrong, but that was the ultimate, you know what I'm saying? And so because it was something I was able to do with him, I have this idea that it's something I should do in my new relationship, but like, the more I think about it, the more I'm just like, I just don't like why, like,

because it's gonna take so much work and like, I just know that what you should do Should I hate don't I want to should all over you but what you could should do is you could talk to him about just What is he into what are some sexual fantasies he has good or website download the yes-no Maybe list just start to talk about maybe he's like oh, I know it's not my I've seen you guys who are like not into Anel not my jam don't like it like it just it's like it's, you've got all good girls do anal or whatever. All desirable women do anal. Not that I really left it in my ballpark.

Hensaries and I'm calling you. He was like, what do you want to do? Is it something you want to do? He's like, my fear is I would never want to hurt you or it to be a uncomfortable situation for you. Hensaries and he's never done it with anybody. But it was like one of those things for me. Like, oh, well, I've done it before.

Maybe it was so it was all completely up to me. It was all you. It was like a challenge too, maybe. Like, I would be that girl. Yeah, I know. I see you. I see you. I see you.

The work it'll take is just going to be more than I need. If everything else is going well, you don't need to rock that boat right now. So take it off. You know, I think it's good. Take it off the table. Put something else on the table. I have some fun explorer, but it doesn't have to be anal right now. Yeah, yeah. How's that? All right.

Thanks, Christa. I appreciate you. Bye. Hi. We all perfectionists in some ways. Like, I want to be the perfect lover. And I want to give a manal and give them all these things. But the truth is like, there are no sheds and relationships. You get to figure out what works for you.

I cannot recommend this beginner anal kit enough by the way, by B-Vive, because I've never seen anything like it. Literally, it's like, has an anal loop shooter in it and it has all these little butt plugs that build up in size. And it's just, if you want to, if that got your anal interest peeked,

check one of those out. But the only thing that you should pressure yourself into doing sexually is to talk about sex. That's the only thing I'm going to pressure you into. And maybe a little masturbation. Everything else. It's up to you. Rob 37 in Texas. Hi Rob, what's going on? Hey Dr. Emily, thanks so much for taking my call. I can imagine you reading it up front going wow, I want to know I do Rob it's a really good question I actually love this I want to talk to you about this I'm like

yes bring it excellent excellent well so so Emily last year you gave me the word compulsion I called in and asked about thoughts that I had and things that I experienced with my wife and we both enjoyed and you gave me the word compulsion which which I've read up on it since then and studied it and have fallen in love with the word because that's exactly what it was and the reason why I like the word compersion is because I don't like the word cuckolding. Right. And everything I've read about cuckolding has a kind of degrading type of

type of sense to it and that's exact that's not anything close to what I feel on the degrading side. I enjoy seeing the pleasure that somebody else gets from an external point of view rather than being physically wrapped up in the moment like when she and I are intimate together and is amazing. I get a different sense of a mental pleasure out of seeing it in another situation, but in talking with her about that and discussing those types of things outside the bedroom, thanks to your advice, she kind of gets to sometimes that I want her to be with other people.

That's not it. It's not that I want her to be with other people. It's that I enjoy seeing pleasure from an external point of view. That makes sense. And I'm just having trouble having that discussion without her thinking, that I truly just want her to go be with other men, which is not the truth. Okay. You'll see what you thought. Yeah, no, this is great. Let me just kind of catch everyone up here. What I talk about is compulsion. And that is a word that people who are in open relationships, are they swing or they cuckold, it means that you actually, and this is a stage that people go through,

and you can get there from some people, that they actually get joy and pleasure from seeing their partner have sex with someone else, be intimate with someone else, so that truly gives you joy that your partner is being pleasure by somebody else. And that is something that I've seen, I think I was talking about it in reference to open relationships and people are like, oh God, I would be so jealous if my partner

was with someone else. I said, well, ultimately, for many people I know who do in the right way, they have compersion. They actually get through the jealousy and say, well, I'm really glad that my partner is experiencing that. I'm happy when you're happy, right? Like, if your partner gets a raise and you're like, oh, babe, I'm so, you're happy, right? Like if your partner gets a raise and you're like, oh babe, I'm so, you're genuinely happy for them. But then cuckolding, it's typically men watching

their female partners or wives have sex with another man. And you're right, it does have negative connotations in the sense of the man watching, it's the most disgraceful thing you can imagine and then actually watching that somehow twists on it and makes you feel even so worse that it turns into an erotic pleasure. You know, and what you're saying is no, you don't feel any shame around it.

Rob, has you guys opened up the relationship? It all has there been any swinging or playing with other people? Early in our relationship we have done that and we don't really do it as much anymore because kids are involved and life gets in the way. However, occasionally we will go to a club here in Texas that allows on-site type of activities. And we just play with ourselves, however it is and at times in group settings.

So we don't have any problems with that and don't have any problems with other people. But yes, we do have that in our history and that is times open and it is fantasized about and talked about just not really experienced as much at all as it has in the past. But, you know, some of the underlying features are still there with the compulsion that I have mainly.

And I don't expect it out of her. I don't expect to out of her. I don't expect to be with another woman, but I do get the pleasure out of seeing her being pleasure in different types of situation. It could be with another woman. It could be with another man. Both of those things have happened. But she sometimes in a negative life, when there's too much stress or anxiety, thinks that I'm hung up on a fantasy that I want her to go out and be with other men, and that's over the edge.

That's nowhere near close to what I feel. Okay, so I get that. So you're saying that you actually have more pleasure when you are watching her with someone else. What does she want, Rob? What turns her on? Interestingly enough, the past six months, she has discovered how to squirt and squirt multiple times.

And so that's been her big turn on lately. And mine too is that we've discovered this newfound ability that she has and how to get her to that point. So yeah. Right. Does she want to be with other people? Does she want that right now, current day? Well, we talk about it at times, but I can't tell whether she's saying that to please

me in a fantasy mode or whether that's something that she that she really wants because you know it is different times of you know alcohol involved in party and all night and hormones getting involved that i can't really break that down enough to see whether that's truly a want or that's something that she's saying because she knows that that's what i want even in a fantasy type of situation well that's what we got to get to then, Rob. I don't think it's about her believing in compulsion or not.

I think it's just another, you said you listened timing tone and turf outside the bedroom conversations. This is something that you need to have again and again and to be open and curious and honestly, how long have you been together, Rob? We've been together for 15 years. Okay. I feel like when we're authentically ourselves and we keep carrying down the walls and all the things that we put up that she would know that this is something you authentically

drive, put you to your academic editor, you're not getting angry with her. So I just think that there has to be just more talking and unpacking and I think that a lot of the stuff that we want our part, which they would just get this is education, exploration, you know, listening to shows together or reading together. I don't know why, you know, again, a lot of times when our partners won't see it, maybe there's something else going on with her, like all I could think is maybe she doesn't actually really want to be swinging or seeing other people. Because what would be the thing if she doesn't believe, compulsion?

What's the opposite of that? She believes that you actually don't feel good about it. Like, what is her belief around you wanting to see her with other men i don't know i don't know if she thinks that maybe i expect the inverse of that to be with another woman because i don't and i don't have those wishes we should tell them with other couples and and well and when i have and i have it's just sometimes you know talking to it it gets exhausting on her. It's almost like she feels like I've beaded into the ground by talking. I'm a communicator and she's not as much.

We have to listen, too. You know, really listen, ask questions, get curious, tell me more about that. So you think it's that I really want something else. Well, tell me more about that, tell me more about that, and just ask her questions to practice. Listening is a practice. And so I think that everyone can talk and communicate. They just have to feel safe. So I think you just have to have a little bit different kind of conversation

Rob with her. You have to really listen, really pay attention, because I don't think it's about the comparison version, coupled in, it just sounds like there might be something else going on, and I'm not sure what it is, but I think Rob is a communicator. You could get there if you really want to. Absolutely. I will definitely do more listening. I promise. Okay. Thanks, Rob.

Keep me posted. Okay. Let me know. Go. Sure, Will. Thank you so much. Of course. Thank you for calling.

Of course, I appreciate you too. Listen, asking for what you want is important. You got to be clear, be specific, tell your partner why you're interested in exploring with them. But it's equally important that you listen to your partner during these conversations, like really listening and doing some practices of maybe reflecting back on what they said, just try to understand what they want and why they want it. Then you can both have your dreams sex together.

Then you can both have your dreams sex life together. After the break I talked to Desiree who just moved, but she wants to stay in contact with the man she was dating. Should they keep things going long distance? Stay with us to find out. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Next up, we've got Desiree, 24 in Virginia.

Hi, Desiree. Hi. Cool. So tell me what's in Virginia. Hi Desiree. Hi. Cool. So tell me what's going on. Yeah. Thanks for calling in. Yeah. So I started traveling for work in January.

And I moved away from my home state about 7 and a half hours away. I started dating a guy in March. And we met on Tinder. Went on a date. We had a really good connection. And when it came time for my next assignment, which is in Wyoming where I'm currently at, it was really hard for me to leave him behind.

The night that I had to say goodbye to him, I was super upset, I had like a straight panic attack on the way home, because I knew that I was leaving across the country and that he didn't want to do long distance, basically. And the time that we were talking, I, I'm not good at social dating. Even though I knew we weren't going to be in a relationship because he was going to be at the point and I was going to continue traveling for work and visit a couple more places

before I settled down. I was still so attached to him. And I would go out on dates with other guys. I just was not interested at all. Like I couldn't make myself want to date any other, any other guy basically. So we officially called things off last week. We had a conversation and he basically told me that he thinks that I want a relationship and that he's just not ready for that and that he's not going to be ready for a relationship

until he's in his 30s. And I'm like, okay, I don't see how you can really put a timeline and say like, when you're going to be ready, I feel like it just kind of happens. And I do have a date lined up tonight and tomorrow. So I'm trying, but this is really hard for me to socially date, I always get obsessed with one person. And then after that, I'm not in so much office. That's when you say socially date, you mean like casually date.

Yeah, that's the same thing. Okay, I haven't heard it called socially date, but I like that too. I kinda like that. So you know, casual dating or socially dating isn't for everybody. And I think that we don't know what you are yet. Like I think in the way that maybe up until now you haven't been a casual date or a social date or but I mean you are still figuring out your, I could see him saying he doesn't want

to get married or being a relationship really is 30. I mean, I do think your 20s are are great time to be exploring like who you are and what kind of people you like. And maybe you just socially date a few people. Maybe you, there's one person and then you both agree like this is going well, let's try to commit. But I think there's something to be said for sort of dating and exploring and getting to know other people. What part of it do you think it doesn't work for you, the social dating? I honestly just don't want, because I get fixated on one person, and if I were to know that he was talking to other people, it would hurt me, even though we are technically socially casual dating, we have the permission to be interested in socially or casually dating to you. And so once he told me that he just didn't even really want to focus on, he's going through

a divorce right now, which it didn't get really dramatic or anything until recently when she started asking for more money and stuff. So he was super stressed out about that. And honestly, we were good up until that point and until I moved away. And then we just kind of died out. Right. What about this part of you? I want to go back to your language of I get I get what did you see?

You said I get obsessed or I get I get I get I get fixated on someone fix it. Okay. So that's yeah, that's something to look at. Yeah, because that is about your challenges, your own childhood wounding, if you will. And it's like we're never 100% safe in any relationship. We don't know what could happen, but the fact that you already know that you have a tendency to get into it so much and that it's so intense, I feel like that might be something to look

at. Like what is it, what does it feel like to think that someone could be dating someone else in you? It hurts. I think I get jealous. And I also got out of a relationship in January when I moved away And I was cheated on on that relationship So I think that that has a lot to do with it too having trust issues and I just the kind of person I want to know where we stand and want to know what we are and I just kind of I'm very straightforward

I'm just gonna ask you hey, are you talking to other people like let me know so I think kind of Prepare myself to not catch the links for you like let me know so I can kind of prepare myself to not catch the wings for you. Yeah, but that's really hard to do. And I think that sometimes that's really scary to say to someone, what are we? Where are we at? Who are we when you don't know yet? See, this is the best thing about dating is that we're like, you go out and do a few dates with someone and then you think, okay, well, let's just lock it down right now, but you don't really know them yet.

You're still going to know each other. And so this takes some work on yourself, and I think it's a longer conversation, but it's about, I feel like this stringency you have and this need to control it, and we all have it in different ways. I'm much more open in relationships, I don't want to come in.

It's all the same thing, but opposite sides of the same coin, if you will. But I think it would be interesting to look at like, you know, your last wave of cheating on you and what happened to that, like this distrust. And maybe there's a certain like sense that you want them to like you and you want to lock it down, but maybe you don't even know for sure. Are they the ones for you sometimes? So I think it might be good to do some of your own work on yourself.

Have you done anything yet? Any therapy? Have you talked to anyone about this? I did start seeing a therapist back home when I was in a relationship, but then once I moved away, it's kind of hard to, because I go to a different state every three to six months. So right now, and I have a therapist, so we're doing like a meeting once a week,

and I can text her, I call her, and right now, she's really just trying to get to know me and what I want to work on. So that's helped some and then I told myself I was going to branch out as far as going on dates. So I got on Tinder and hinge no luck with hinge, but I got back on Tinder and I have a date with a guy tomorrow. So I'm excited for that and then tonight I'm actually just going to hook up with a guy. He's an older guy. He's in the BDSM, which I'm into as well. So I'm excited for that. I'm hoping that's gonna help me really get over this.

Well, I think it might. I mean, this is the Desiree that I want to see. Like you are out there exploring and not getting attached to a guy who's going through divorce that you're not living in the same state anymore. Like that's like the neural chemicals in our brain getting attached to someone right away and wanting to know what it is and fix it. The guy I have feelings for him, but is it realistic at 24 when you're moving around that this is your guy? I know this is all

very logical and love and attraction and romance is not. It's more biological and psychological. But I'm just trying to give you a broader perspective of the way you're coming at it. But I like the part of you that's going to go out and maybe have an experience with an older guy, consensually, and go out and dating apps and see. Is it maybe because maybe you'll find that you are someone who can socially date. Maybe you doesn't mean you just socially have sex, but you socially are going out and meeting people and trying to figure out what kind of person do I want to be with, who am I really attracted to.

And just, especially if you just got out of a relationship as well, you know, I just don't think it's about this guy who's not available and not going to sell down to his 30. He would drive you insane. You would never trust him. You never trust him. I mean, that's the thing. We don't listen sometimes to what people say to us.

We have to remember like, he told you that. And that's something that doesn't make him like very desirable, right? So, it's like a lot of people are like, okay, well, then I'm out. But there's something in you that's still attracted to that. And maybe it's, oh, I can change him or he's going to see the way. So I think just catching yourself in these thought patterns and associations that you have with dating might help you sort of reframe it and look at it differently as you're on this path of learning. I think so too. It's easier hearing it from someone else. Good. Well, that's from year four. I'm here to give you perspective. So I hope

that's helpful. Yeah. Have fun. Enjoy your life. Thank you. And don't get hung up on people that are not available. All right. thank you so much. You're so welcome, Desiree. Have a great day. Thank you. Bye. If you feel like you are sort of stuck in a pattern of dating, or you just think, well, I can only sleep with people this way, or this is what I want, and you're so definitive about it, I hope that this will encourage everybody to think, maybe that's no longer who

I am. Maybe that's not serving me anymore. Is that true? Is it really true? And once you start to look at it and say, well, maybe I can kind of experience a new way of dating and a new way of connecting people, you might surprise yourself. And I think these are the times to do it when you're single

and you're exploring. And just to kind of say, I'm going to let go of my preconceived notions of what I thought it meant to be in a relationship or to be committed or to be sexual and just be open. And then check in with yourself, journal after dates, journal after sexual experiences. Then you're going to start collecting data about who you are as a sexual being,

who you are in a relationship. And it's going to help inform you for all your relationships going forward. My next color is Libby, 20 in British Columbia. Hi there. Hi. So how can I help you? What's going on? Yeah, so I emailed because I had this problem for a little while and recently I found that it is starting to get better, but it's something I definitely need to get fixed because I care about this relationship a lot and I want to make sure that I'm working to be healthy

or going forward. But basically I found that because of a couple different factors, I'd become really hypersensitive to touch and often kissing or making out. It would be what set that off. Okay. Yeah, so I think it could be because of a couple things. I mean, a big thing that I talked to my doctor about is because I have ADHD and a lot of the hypersensitivity can come from that. But yeah, past partners, I've definitely started to associate negative experiences with kissing from dumb and brought that into my current relationship, which is more or less what I want to work on.

So really you think it comes from ADHD? I thought that could be something, just because that's something my doctor had mentioned. But one of the things I thought of before that was, I kind of had a negative experience with kissing before. My past partner would only kind of like make out with me before sex and he kind of withholded that from me. And it's about to have sex.

So because I wasn't having very fulfilling sexual experiences with him, every time we made out, I was kind of like, I don't wanna say filled with dread, but I definitely wasn't excited. Right. So then from that, I just kind of began to associate the two things with each other.

And then that's kind of carried on whereas now like, it's my partner goes to make out with me and I'm like, oh, sorry, I'm not in the mood right now. They're like, that's okay, sometimes it's just nice to make out. Yeah, oh, okay, well it's good that you know out. Yeah, oh, okay. Well, it's good that you know this. Yeah, it's good that you're recognizing these patterns because maybe it's small baby steps. Like it doesn't do making out.

Maybe you just start building back up with like small touches and like light kisses. And it's like a slow process of getting to get comfortable with it again without the association. Because now that you know where it comes from, we have to build new reward systems around it, new neural pathways in our brain, because you're so used to that reaction that if you just, maybe you could let your partner know you just want like small kisses and light kisses

and to let you know when he's gonna kiss you and you could also practice with touch, like light touches in your arm. And just, it's really somatic, which means like, in our embodied experience, like being in our body, and it sounds like if you really start to pay attention to what feels good, you'll be able to associate new sensations with touch and a new partner.

Yeah, exactly. I think it should be a relatively easy process, but it's just been so tricky, because I really don't wanna come across, like I don't like it, because I to work on making sure that it's something I can do more, but yeah, it's definitely been a bit of like a mental block for me in the past, like trying to make sure that I'm not totally ruling out, making out or kissing as a full option.

Yeah. You're with someone, right? You're boyfriend now. Could you talk to him about this and just say, I want to be able to work on this. Would you help me just like slow it down? Because I'll bet once you, you know, it's like baby steps of rebuilding the connection to kissing again and not have it be something

that's so triggering and it was kind of traumatic. For sure. And he's been very understanding of my needs and like works really hard to address them. So I think that's definitely something for them. Yeah, I just, I'm kind of curious about how to phrase it, not to say, hey, when we make out, I find that it's really overwhelming for me

or sometimes when you do this, it really sets it off and trying to find a more positive way to spin it and be like, because I like it so much, I want to make sure that we're doing it x-quinzine said, yeah, I just want to make sure no feelings get hurt. Yeah. Oh, I mean, that's a thing. This, and I love that you're saying this too, because the reason why most of us don't have conversations about sex is because we're so afraid that our partners are going to get hurt. So you can just say to them, listen, this is something that's like

awkward to say or it's uncomfortable because I want you to know that I love our, our sex life and our connection. Here's all the things that are great. And I've realized that I have this association with kissing and has nothing to do with you. It has to do with my past. So I'd love to kind of slow down the way we make out because I know that I'm so attracted to you and I'm so into you and I need to build this, these circuitries back up, this reaction back up.

But it's something my doctor told me to do, and would you be down with doing this for me? Would you be down, you know, it has nothing to do with you. This has been something that I wanna, I need your help. Yeah, I've tried this. It's gotta reinforce it. And you said that he's been very attentive to your needs.

Yeah. And I think you're gonna find what you have permission from somebody like, I have a feeling once you do that and you're with a willing partner, it's going to take you no time to have a different relationship with kissing and touch. Taking away all the negativity, when you shed the light on the thing that you think is like a darkness, that's sort of how it can blossom and how you can be released from those shackles of that problem.

It doesn't exist. I totally get you. Yeah. There's some power in like a partner who's willing that you're like, oh, I was actually just afraid of all of this. And now he's there kissing something down. I just have a really good feeling about this for you.

Because you're very articulate. You're aware you're on the path. Thank you. Yeah, I think bringing it up will be huge, especially because it's like right now, I think a lot of the fear just comes from, is it going to happen this time? And I think if I think bringing it up will be huge especially because it's like right now, I think a lot of the fear just comes from, is it going to happen this time? And I think if I just address it, then a big portion of that fear is going to be cut out too.

That's it. Just address it. That's the fear is a lot of times false evidence appearing real. So it's just something in your mind that's creating this triggering effect and having a healthy talk would be awesome. Let me know how it goes. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Thank you for coming. Of course, I got you. Have a good day would be awesome. Let me know how it goes. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

Thank you for coming. Of course, I got you. Have a good day. You too. Bye. You too, bye. Bye. Our darkness becomes our light. The things that we are hiding, like, we are so afraid of being not loved, so when abandoning us, judging us, hurting our partners that we keep

things so deep inside of us, and then it becomes even more intense and more exasperated, healthy communication and being an intimate relationship is all about sharing your secrets. The things that you think you cannot say, the things that you think that make you unlovable and that you can't imagine telling anybody and if you told your partner this, they're never going to be with you, those are the things that you need to talk to your partner about. Not every single one of them, not at once, you gotta sit down and dump it on your partner,

but I'm saying something like this, in a way that's like, this isn't about you, can you help me? We're in it together. The right partner who cares about you and your pleasure is gonna be like, yeah, babe, of course, no big deal. Let's slow it down. Let's make out like we're teenagers, you know?

It's like, and then you realize There's such a weight that gets lifted because it's it was really just your false evidence appearing real It was your fear and none of that ever pans out to be as bad as we think and in fact it makes everything better Once we shed light on our darkness That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review of every list in the podcast and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this, they will too.

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