Sex With Emily - Hotline Calls: How to Squirt & Find a Third

Episode Date: November 11, 2022

We all strive to be lifelong learners - as the world and people around us change, we need to adapt and evolve to keep up. And nowhere else is this more true than our sex lives. Our sexual intelligence can only reach its full potential if we’re open to nurturing its growth. That’s the mission of today’s call-in show. I answer your questions all about picking up new sex skills. From a fun-loving couple who wants to incorporate others into their play but can’t find the right candidates, to a twenty-something who wants to learn how to squirt on her own - these brave callers’ questions offer something for everyone to learn from. Show Notes:Article: The Different Kinds of Unconventional CouplesArticle: The Guide to a Successful Friends with Benefits RelationshipArticle: Ask Emily: How Do We Prepare for a Threesome?7 New Ways to Use a Magic WandPlaygroundJe Joue (use code ‘Emily30’ for 30% off)#Open Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

To me, he did your favor because you're like, oh, well, then you're clear. Yeah, you're right. You're not going to be the guy. You don't want a quitter. No, no, absolutely not. It's too important to me. I was just curious. I guess in previous relationships, two, guys usually want to go for the toys quickly because

they make me come faster. But I want the person that I'm with to be able to make me have an orgasm themselves and not always have to use toys. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. We all want to grow and become better versions of ourself.

Am I right? Well, nowhere is that more true than our sex lives. Well, that's the mission of today's call and show, which I love these call and shows. I love talking to you directly about everything that's on your mind. And today, I answer your questions all about picking up new sex skills. From a fun-lo loving couple who wants to incorporate others into their play but they just can't find the right candidates. To a 20-something, she wants to learn how to squirt on her own. These callers are really brave and their questions offer something

for everyone to learn from. I'll write in Tentons with Emily. I'm going to start off by setting intention for the show and I encourage you to do the same. Well, my intention is to help you learn how to approach new sex skills with curiosity and open mind, all while honoring your specific desires. Please rate and review sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show and check out my YouTube channel, social media and TikTok.

It's all at sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, do it. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com, slash ask Emily or comment hotline 559 top sex or 559 825 5739. Just include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show and totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. Today's show is brought to you by Magic Wand, more on them at the end of the episode. All right everyone, enjoy this episode.

We have Ava, 27 in Boston. How could I help you? What's going on? Basically to like, summit opt. So I've had, let's say, 10 partners in my life. Only two have made me finish. Which I feel like is a pretty low statistic, although I know it's easier said than done and everyone's different. But the main thing that I don't like is, so

I've been relationships all my life and now it's like the first time I've been really single and I hate the fact that if I want to squirt, it's up to a man. I have to find a man. I have to have him know what to do. I have to rely that he knows what he's doing. And it's just like, for so many reasons, I don't want that. I wish I could take that power and be able to do it myself. And also, when people ask, they're like, oh, how do I do it? I'm like, I wish I knew.

The two people who have helped who've done it, I don't know what they did. You know, so I just don't like that dynamic. God, you don't want to be reliant. Okay. Well, thank you so much for sharing that. Well, first I want to say this is that it's actually pretty common to have been with two partners, three partners, several partners where they're not giving you

an orgasm because you're responsible for your orgasm, right? We got to figure out what we like. So you have to figure out, well, what feels good to me? And then have to take the time and explain to these guys like what you actually like and what feels good. Because I am only telling you, because I was the same boat as you. I used to be like, that one didn't make me orgasm.

You sucked, you didn't make me orgasm. And it wasn't until I was like in my 30s, and I was like, oh, I don't even know how to do it myself. I used to believe that like men were shipped off to some secret school where they learned everything about like my body and they knew like they, he knows what to do with all life. But they don't know.

So you gotta teach them. But as far as squirting goes, so what do you hear, because you're asking me like, how, how do I squirt? What do I do? It happened in the past. What do you remember what happened in the past? Yeah, so as much as I know, I know again,

everyone's different, but for me personally, it's like the exact G-spot, so up and curved. I know that the tricks and everything, I have yet to be able to do it. I've used toys and they don't help. I also, from what I recall, I don't like the feeling of vibrations, which I know I'm in the minority of that. Maybe I just haven't had a good one or I haven't had a good experience, but from I've tried a few times, they're years ago, but like I just remember not liking that feeling.

And it's also like the clip, I feel like a lot of people that's where it's at. For me, I'm like, yeah, for a little bit, but it's mainly just penetration and penetration only and specifically fingering. And what's interesting, I know my body's so well that if I like, I love this. Yeah, so if I squirt from fingering,

I will be able to squirt again from penetration, but it needs to happen from a finger and it will happen like many times after that first time, but that's how. So what you're saying is vibrations don't feel as great. And this is also common too that for some Volvo owners vibrations like they're almost too sensitive. It's too much, but what you're saying is most of your pleasure and your orgasm, you're coming from penetration, from either a finger or a penis inside of you, and you actually have an orgasm, and sometimes you've squirted with that orgasm. Okay, cool. Well, that's the thing, so that's the other thing that I didn't know. I didn't know if like squirting and orgasm were like hand in hand, or they square and circle like, they're're hand in hand. You can orgasm and that's square. You can squirt and that orgasm. But there are cases where you orgasm and squirt at the same time, which is just wonderful. But they all, yeah, they're not mutually exclusive.

Yeah, so that's why it's even more confusing because I definitely know I've squirted, but I honestly don't know if I've ever had an orgasm then. Oh, this is funny. Okay. I don't know if I've ever had an orgasm then. Oh, what this is. Okay. I don't think so. But I know I've squirted, so I feel like I've gotten at least close, or maybe it's been some overlap where there's been a case eye orgasm and squirted, maybe, but I don't know.

Okay, okay, this is good. Okay, so you would probably know if you orgasmed, but you're saying you tried a vibrator, and it was too sensitive. It was just like, it just wasn't doing it for me. Then again, I just maybe wasn't doing the right like one or like the right way. This was many years ago, so I don't really really remember. Okay, well let's just forget the vibrator for a second. Have you ever masturbated? Have you tried on your own, get your fingers and some lubricant and just like sat down and you're like,

I'm settling in, I'm gonna try to do this. Yeah, and I'm definitely still like in the very early beginning stage of it just because since I've been a relationship on my life, I don't know how to do it very much. I have zero experience with it, so I'm still figuring it out. I have a toy that doesn't vibrate and that helps,

but it's still like, I can't get that, you know, exact spot that I know will help me. The cum-hether motion, the cum-hether motion, says that you would dildo, because dildos are don't vibrate. So how you do it is with a finger, is it's about two and a half inches inside and is or an inch and a half,

two depending where all different, it is stimulating the G spot, with it a cum-hether motion, motion right with either one or two fingers like towards the belly button and what really helps first is to be really aroused and to have a literal orgasm first which where I would recommend is basic masturbation practice where you are setting aside time to just sort of breathe like a little mindful masturbation practice where you're setting aside time to just sort of breathe, like a little mindful masturbation practice where you're just kind of breathing and you take time, like you turn off your phone and you just

sort of focus on the sensations on your body that you feel just with your hands and making sure that you're using lube and you want to start like outside of you don't go right for your clitoris but externally like the labia, the laba, the vulva, the external part, your inner thighs, and you just start to like use a light touch with your fingers. Oh, maybe this is a good time for our vulva puppets. Do you wanna hand me the purple vulva puppet in the corner? I'm gonna show you what I mean here.

So there's your clitoris, right? Your clitoris hood. So when you get a rouse, this goes back. But I'm talking like this kind of sensation, we're just like using fingers and you're teasing yourself like outer labia inside and you're touching like really light like it might even be over the fabric of your underwear. And you always want to use Lou just saying, I love playground. Loub, they're a company that I just obsess with, but water based Loub and just start to use your fingers and then just to see like get curious.

What am I feeling right now? Does that feel good? Does that feel bad? And then you want to start to like escalate the touching and you'll start to, you can even help to tend to relax your pelvic floor. So you're do like a chiggle or a few of those because that's stimulating and you just kind of breathe and start to see if you can get sensations and because how you're going to find the G-spot in squat is when you're already or around. So it helps to already have a clitoral orgasm before you go inside and try to have another orgasm or squirt. So that's why I'm saying like, let's just start you teasing on the outside, play with the clitoris. If you want to try another toy, maybe you could get like a vibrating toy that just is like, you

know, most of these days have a bunch of settings that like, maybe it's like a really lower setting toy that you need to use. I love J.J. products. One of my favorites was the J.J. Mimi that I was like my first toy ever. It gets in the palm of your hand. And for me, that was one that I like really learned

my body on. And then I would like tease yourself with that. Then once you have that orgasm or beat your rouse, then you can go inside with a finger or a toy. I could give you some recommendations for some dildos that might hit your G-Spa better. Yeah, that's the other thing I was wondering if I didn't know if there was specific shaped toys

or generalized toys that I should aim towards for this specific purpose, true square. Yes, so there are G-Spa toys. I would recommend the Hera H-E-R-A, it's's bi-G-Z-U. It's like the rabbit simulation, so you have the internal and the external stimulation. It's like made of like body-safe materials. They have like deep, rumbly sensations. I totally recommend that one. And being patient because it takes some time to figure out your own body. But then once you get inside, either with fingers or a toy, you just continue to, when you're a rouse,

apply pressure to the G spot, like straight forward pressure, and then that's where the release happens and where many ball the owners squirt. Yeah, it's crazy because like the time that I've squirted a lot, it's violent. Like the amount of like how fast and how hard you have to go, I swear people are like scared to go that hard

because it looks and feels like something, I'm being hurt. Like I don't like how like aggressive it is. It doesn't have to be that aggressive. So I understand why because they're hitting the spot and it's going really fast and I totally understand what you're saying. But that's just because the experiences you've had

with a partner, but the great news is with one of these toys, you won't have to go that hard. Okay. It'll be much more like graduate. And here's another tip, like, I don't know if this will work for you because again, everyone's to remember this set literally, every single vulva owner is different. And so the guy know they've worked for many people, not just me, so I feel good about my recommendations. So magic ones been around forever. They have this mini vibrator. It's called the magic one mini with the magic wand is a very powerful vibrator and now they've made it mini size. But either model that you got, the bigger one or the smaller one, there's a lot of women who have

reported squirting. It's an external toy, but when you place it over your pubic mound externally, there's indirect stimulation to your g spot and a lot of women are squirting because of that toys well because the vibrations are so incredible, intense and deep that it can stimulate you and hit your g spot and you can squirt that way. Very common. And then you got to call me back in a month and let me know about all your squirting and orgasms. Yeah, I hope that's plenty to report. But be patient with it. Just keep communicating.

Awesome. I really appreciate it. Thank you so much. Of course. Bye, Eva. Have a great night. You too. I always recommend remember that you are

responsible for your own orgasm. You do your own work on that. And there are some products I mentioned. I mentioned the J.J. because I love them. But I just want to tell you that you can use code Emily30 right now for 30 off all their products. And yeah, remember, toys, fingers, hands, penis,

however you get there is all good. Just keep trying, keep getting to know your own body because you're going to become the expert of your own orgasm and your own body. We have Alex and Autumn, and they're coming from Florida, a couple, I love when couples call together. Time and what's going on. We are looking to open, I guess, our sex life's up

with maybe partner play, three sums. And more sums. And more sums, yeah. But the other, I guess, aspect that we also want and we're struggling with is we also want like friends. That makes sense. We want more of a friendship first then have fun and the benefits yeah so we've been on field haven't had much luck there we run SCC we had some luck there but

then it kind of got rocky we started a group chat we thought things were going well and great and then we set up a date to go have drinks and then it kind of went downhill going into that week. They were kind of pushy and all that armament was playing me. Very, very pushy. There was like a clear question of boundaries and what boundaries were to be set and observed and those boundaries were constantly being pushed by the female half of the couple. I've already suffered from anxiety and it had just become so much more at that point where I said, I'm just not comfortable

going in spending time with these people. Like, I don't even want to continue conversing with them. Yeah. So I talked about it to my husband when we got home and he said, oh, I'm so glad you feel that way because I feel the same way too. Let's just kind of call it quits. We did that.

We had another couple actually just ghost us. We were in a group chat with them and they just kind of dipped. It was kind of like a pick collector and I was like, okay, like, it's a really good, like a bad taste in our mouth. And we're trying to figure out how to navigate like, I guess that dynamic of what we were trying to look for, what we're looking for, and looking to see if you can guide us in that. Okay, yeah, absolutely. Well, first I wanna say, I think it's awesome that you both are really, really closely communicating about it

because usually if you got a weird vibe about someone, and you got one, like it's just good to say it. And mostly, and that goes for life too. Like our intuition is very strong and the last time we override it. So if someone's giving you drama and you're looking for a play friend, like we don't need that in the bedroom at all.

So maybe you could umpate a picture for me again. Like what's the vibe? Like you also have times where you just hang out but there's no sex. Correct. Yeah. Like a friends with benefits type situation, we're not going into it where it's just we're looking for like a one night stand or just some random fun. We'd rather have a friendship first for the foundation and then to build from there. With a couple, right? Not just with a single woman, okay. Preferably a couple, but. Okay, prefer a bit couple.

I'm just curious, do you have any close friends that you guys go out to dinners and hang out with already? That's the other part of our relationship is we work crazy schedules. We don't really have that and. Capability of going to dinner on a list. And I guess we don't really feel comfortable doing that with work

partners, if that makes sense. Yeah. And you know, it's a good reputation with friends from work. Yeah. You don't want to bring this into work. You set that boundary. Yeah. Another boundary, you don't want to cross.

Yeah. That makes sense. We're not there yet in this world that we can all talk about at work. OK. So what I'm hearing is that you're looking for the fence of benefits, but in your real life, you don't really even have time right now for friends, which I get it. We've all been, I've been there a times where I like, like, what happened to my

friends, all I do is work. So the dynamic, this dream scenario of like a friend that you can hang out with, you might not really even have time to, because that takes, you know, you make good friends, usually spend time together, right? Repeatedly, consistently, whether it's like you talk to them once a week or you see them once a month, and so that would have to be like a carve-out time that you guys make time for.

You're like committing, like we want this person to be in our life. Like, what does that look like for you? Is it once a month? Is it, you know, once a week? I mean, I know it's gonna depend on the person, but it's really thinking about that, like, and then making space for everything in life where we put our attention on, it's really what we're

going to manifest, what's going to happen. It's so fun to do that. I know like manifesting or knowing, but missing that word, so like, you're like, what do you mean? And man, if I dream about the couple, they're going to drop down the chimney, but just getting clear, they might. What the clearer you get, and like, this is what you want, this is what the person's by, like, this is what they look like, or what we do with them. Like, also clearer you get, and like, these are, this is what you want, this is what the person's buy, like, this is what they look like, or what we do with them. Like, also, another great piece to me, couples, like, I would suggest field,

because that still seems to be the one that everybody uses. There's another app I worked with a few years ago, called Hashtag Open. They were a sponsor, and I really liked the people started it. They had really great intentions around it. So, I think it's just like a numbers game, like, everyone is like, I'm on the app,

so I can't find anyone who's cool, that they even date. You guys have had a few bad experiences, but you're gonna learn from all of them. And just saying, like, where else can we expand the network? I think some couples also use Bumble and Tinder, but that's mostly I think for a third. I'm not sure if people do couples, but maybe they do.

I actually don't like have a specific wreck for that, but what I can say is, what's the friends part you're gonna do with this friend? Are you gonna go to movies, are you gonna play tennis? I think it's all aspects of that. We live fairly close to the theme park, it's where in Orlando. So we could always do theme park days.

We could do movies, we could go shopping, grab coffee, grab ice cream. There's like, there's a lot to do. It's just okay. The other aspect is because we live so close, we get a lot of transit on the app. Yeah. So like, we'll match, but then they're like, oh, we're only here until, you know, X and out, date.

And it's like, well, you know, it's not really something that we're looking to do. So that's the other struggle that we're having as well. Okay. Well, what do you guys mean? Maybe there's some good goals for your relationship to like start things outside, like on the weekends. What do you guys do when you're not working? You guys like? We spend time with family. Yeah, spend a lot of time with family. Thank you. Yeah, takes up a lot of our time. So we live, well, I live for my family. I live about an hour away and they're always like, well, why don't you come over for dinner and usually on the weekend, I'm off

and she's at work. So that's the other struggle is trying to get on the same schedule. That's a good goal. Yeah. I think another reason you had mentioned why we were interested in exploring with a couple is because if I'm always not available,

there's something to do, something for someone for him to spend time with as well. So that's another aspect of why we would be more interested in building a friendship first and then progressing from theirs because we have people that we can spend time with when we can't. Yeah.

Outside of our norm. Yeah. I mean, I think meetups are the best place to go for some of these things. And just like thinking about like, how would you make friends if you were gonna make friends? Because that's where like, you know, they always say like we also meet some of the best partners for us when we're out doing things that we already like doing. There is also like what mother might be a great thing to find a play party or like a swing or

party near you because you don't necessarily have to swing. You can go to these parties or play parties they call them now. You don't necessarily have to take your clothes off off of sex then, but you might have fun kind of exploring and you might meet a cool couple that's in your area because these cup parties are more exclusive and I don't know who it is in your city, but usually you can find it through the apps or just Google Play parties in your town. Like, okay, we just found this my poochers found poly dating Florida Orlando Polyamory Orlando polyamory right so if they have groups or lunches or whatever like go to one of those events I meet those people and see if you like anyone and that's a great non-threatening place to do it

Like you're not walking in there and everyone's naked. There's one of me to other cool That's the other part too. We've been asked to go to an adult club or a lifestyle club is I think is what they call. Lifestyle club, yeah. Yeah, that's been kind of intimidating, at least for me and I don't know, maybe you. We haven't really gone down that path, but intimidating for us because we don't wanna get that bad experience that we first had where they were pushy and wanting us to go into a room and yeah, it's kind of like intimidating, I guess, would be the best way to go. I'm saying no.

Yeah, well, there you go. I feel like you should try it again because it's just I've been some fun lifestyle parties. I mean to some that I'm like, no, there's no one in here. I'd also in those I've not with couples and it was early on in my career. I was like research and then I've gone with partners times, we just want to check it out, because it's kind of hot. So there's really no pressure, I think, in all these places and you just kind of like have boundaries,

just be like, we're not interested. And then you'll start to get your confidence, because you're realizing, oh, there's no pressure for us to perform. And I've found in most of these places that you go in and people are also pretty like there's strict rules and people usually do follow boundaries, but that's just where I've been in California.

So I'm not sure how it is there, but I would just kinda like how you know the people you wanna hang out, you'll get a good vibe from them. Cool. Cool. All right, you're definitely checking out, yeah. Okay, good, you got this,

but don't, you know, I understand why you're discouraged, but just keep trying if it's what you want. You'll find those people. Why not explore? Monogamy is great for majority of couples, but for some it's just not. And we don't see great examples in our culture about how you can have a different kind of relationship. It can be really discouraging.

So it feels good to me that we are just hearing now from couples who are much more open to seeing what else is out there. Let's take a quick break. and then I'll be back with more sex tips from our live collars. Don't go anywhere. Our next call is Alan and he's in his 60s. What's going on Alan? Tell me everything.

So, wife and I just, well thanks to you, help with setting boundaries and that kind of stuff really, really worked. So, we had our first three, so, actually, we did it twice, same girl. First time was, hey, okay. My wife and I said to pretty good boundaries with us, we just didn't do it very well with her. So, but we did that the second time and it was a blast. I think I've heard you say before, you know, the reason you kind of do one

is you fantasize about it afterwards. So that's kind of been the fun part also. Oh good, I love it. Like you kind of replay it back, like your own little audio porn, right? Like, never when this happened, that happened. Cool, okay. That's awesome.

Yeah. I think what helps too is just when to thank my wife couldn't get into any hot or she got a medical marijuana license. That works too. The Tiva is our friend. See more about that. How so? Like for your sex life or just. Yes, like life. Yeah. Like smoke it like take a hit or eat a gummy and then they were gummy people. Okay, you're going to be well.

That's great to take a gummy and then you kind of get in the mood. It can definitely help with a rousal for sure. You're saying that you had first experience, not a lot of boundaries, which again, that's how we learn. And then you learn like, well, maybe give an example though. What would that look like not having boundaries? Just some for it's just going to help listeners who are curious about this. The boundaries were good between my wife and I.

We just didn't include the third one. You know, we didn't have it. So what happened? Nothing went wrong, really. It was just not completed. I guess is the best term. Got it. Okay.

So the second one was good. And so your question is, how do you find someone else? The other participant, yes. Okay. So right now you guys are looking for a third. And it's just not easy to find. Where have you found them in the past? Have you tried apps or have you tried just going out together? Yeah, apps are not too good for me. I don't think I haven't been too successful. This was in a club that we found that we'll call her an entertainer. Okay, got it. Alright, entertainer. I understand. Okay, so she was already there ready to play. That was kind of easy to have fun. I know you're saying the apps have not been

successful. I know once you start to get the profile down and kind of get a hang of it, you might find somebody there. But also like finding like lifestyle parties or play parties in your area and just going. There's no like pressure to have sex with anybody there, but couples go to these parties and you'll find like like-minded people. A lot of times, play parties have couples and single women and you can go there and see if you meet people. So really, it's finding other people who are interested in the lifestyle or looking at more alternative relationships. We've talked about it, we haven't tried it yet. So that's how I try it.

I recommend them, you know, because that's just how you fight. You just gotta go to one, right? And you'll meet people, you know, people say, oh, this is a good one, this one is a great one, or come to our house, we're doing it. Like, I think you just gotta get yourself out there in the community and talk about it,

set boundaries with everybody before, and you know, sounds like you guys are gonna, you should go find some other people. Should be fine. Yeah, okay, well, let me know how it goes. Thank you, okay. I get a lot of questions lately about how to find a third, find another couple, how to play,

and you know, I'm always gonna suggest the apps, but if you think about it, how did you make your last friend? How did you make your last connection or get your last job a lot of times out there, networking or doing things that you already like doing, whether it's taking a class or you're, or say yes to parties, like if people invite you to an event or party, maybe things that you wouldn't normally say yes to, just go out and say yes to something that you wouldn't normally do. And that's where we're going to find people, doing things in our life,

being with people that we enjoy. And that's where we're likely to make connections. People we want to sleep with and people we just want to be friends with. So keep doing the things in your life that make you feel good, they bring you joy. And pretty good bet that you're going to find others who are sharing that passion,

who you might also have an attraction to. We've Kelly, 27 in New York. Thank you so much for calling in. Thanks so much for having me on. I feel a little star struck me and all my friends listen to me for years. Oh, I'm so glad to hear that. It's so nice to meet you. I'm glad the show's been helpful.

Tell me everything. So I'm not seeing this guy anymore, but I'm still just so curious because I feel like it's happened to me before in the past two. So I was dating this guy anymore, but I'm still just so curious because I feel like it's happens to me like before in the past too. So I was dating this guy for a few weeks and sex was good at all, but I wasn't having an orgasm yet. So I took your advice on tone, turf, timing, and I brought it up when we were having some wine and dinner on the couch very calmly. And it was just like, I gave all the compliments.

I was like, I really like you. Like you turn me on. Like everything you've been doing so far feels so good. But like I haven't come yet. So like I really want to do that and like gave some, like tips on like what I think that I need. Like I need more for play. Like I need you to play with my clip more. And his response, like his tone was in, like angry or anything,

it was still calm conversation, but he was so adamantly saying that he would never be able to meet me, come. And I was like, I don't understand why you feel that way. Like we're still getting to know each other. Like I know we can get there. And he was just so adamantly saying that he could not. What do you mean?

He was like, back up. He was like, you're telling him. You're like, this is what I need. He's like, I'll never make you come like that. Like, don't, I'll never be that guy or like, I'll never be able to do that for you. Like, you're always going to need toys or something else. Like, it's just not going to be me. I know that I won't be able to make you. It sounds to me like he's had a previous experience where he wasn't able to, you know, make someone come or his partner wasn't giving him great instructions or He felt inferior in some way. It probably was not about you. I just side note I want everyone to know this that when you're dating someone and these things happen or maybe they go

Story they decide that to see you anymore. It's typically not because of something you said it's typically because of their past history But anyway, yeah, like I don't know that to me., he did your favor because you're like, oh, well, then you're clear. Yeah, you're right. You're not going to be the guy. Like, you don't want to quitter. No, no, absolutely not. Like, it's too important for me. I was just curious, like, you know, I guess in previous relationships, too, like guys usually want to go for the toys quickly because they, they do make me come faster. But but like I want the person that I'm with to be able to make me, you know, have it orgasm themselves and like not always have to use toys. I'm not really sure like what I can be doing differently to just be more direct about what

I'm looking for because I feel like I already kind of am. That's a great question. First, you have to be with someone who's open to feedback and who's open to talking about sex. It sounds like you checked that out. It's a few weeks with this guy and he wasn't your guy. But I think that going forward, it's like, I mean, it's really, it's practice. But just first finding out early on, like is this someone who's gonna be comfortable like talking about sex or they into your pleasure? And then when you're talking to him, you're like,

you know, I, people always blame me. I can listen to sex with them, like, and I've decided that like in my next relationship, I want prioritizing sex to be really important. Like I want to know, I want to make you come in a way that you've never imagined what you could say. But I want to be like your best lover. And I'm like, yeah, and I want that too.

And so, yeah, would you be open to? Are you cool with that? Like let's talk about things and make us feel good. And you could say, so I really want to figure out how to organize them with a partner. Would you be down with exploring with me? And I can show you some things I like. What's your fantasy?

What turns you on? And so it just can be more like, I guess this is more casual, it's a give and take. And I think that's the vibe though. It's like, hey, would you want this? I would want that. I mean, sometimes perhaps when you give specific feedback about sex, people do go into their like fight or flight mode.

I think oftentimes, because people think like, I'm a bad lover, you're going to reject me. It's really hard for people to take feedback sexually. So I think the more chill and neutral, you can make the conversations and then kind of getting those specifics is always better. Maybe this happened with this guy, but I think showing them what you like and saying,

like, would you be open if I moved your hand and showed you what I'm into. Yeah, it's always a little awkward and you're like just be getting to date somebody to have these conversations, because like you're not really sure, so get him to know each other in so many different ways, but I was just so taken aback

that this guy was so adamant and I was like, this cannot happen again. Yeah, that is so strange to me that he was so adamant. I like it. I think it was a past, it was a past experience or he just, I don't know why, like a trigger it him in some way. But and I know it like this is the other thing, but I like want this so badly for your generation. Like I just, I know that it's awkward and weird and I know that nobody's talking about it in the second date. No one wants to be that girl, that guy, because it's like, oh, but why not? Like why not find out?

Like do you have a growth mindset around sex? Like what do I mean? That listen to sexual harmony. Like do you want to talk about it? Like do you think sex is important? And I think by your age, like you're 27, like you're dating people, maybe who've had one relationship. And I just hope that they know enough right now.

In 2023, that like talking about sex is how you're going to continue to have great sex and understand each other. Partners on a mind reader, everyone's different. You're not going to orgasm the same way as their last partner. Their penis doesn't want the same thing as your last partner. Like I just want this to be like, let's not make it so awkward so we can find out if we're compatible.

So we don't spend the next year together and then we talk about it and then I know it was a waste time. So I don't know the happy medium, but you seem super cool. And I feel like I feel like Kelly, you could probably be the one who does this and just start and be like, I know, and you can even admit it. I don't know people assume like she's really into sex. It's like, no, I mean, to like quality sex, I'm into efficiency. So that's the energy around it. But I think the sooner you do it, the quicker you're going to find out if someone's a good match.

Yeah, definitely thought that that conversation happened earlier on in the relationship then. Yeah. You know, it hurts at the time, but then you're like, oh, good, favor, down to the next, like you did about. So how are you fighting people out in New York? How's it going?

Uh, I have in, got on another date since, just like taking some turn off for personal, you know, life just always gets in the way, but big house is really just like where it's at. I mean, just gotta keep going out, trying to meet people in real life. It's like, I don't mind the dating apps. Okay, good, they're fun, they work right.

They work, that's what I'm just telling people. I'm like, you gotta just keep trying them. And one more thing I want to say though, Kelly, going back to this, is that, so another great thing in this time that you're just dating is to spend more time on your own, figuring out like, how do I orgasm without a toy? Or how do I think, like next time you're masturbating,

how would I explain this to a partner? So it's just a lot easier too. Like think, like pretend there's someone here with me. What am I doing and how would I explain this to a partner, so which is a lot easier to, like think, pretend there's someone here with me, what am I doing and how would I explain it, so in the next lover comes your way, you'll kind of do practice more. And you'll be like, let me show you this cool thing I learned. It's really fun. For me, I'll show partners I'm with, like, look at this thing, I'll show you how my clitoris swells or my vovidas is, when I touch it here, like, look at the rouse, like get them into it, right? Yeah, I feel like mutual masturbation

is probably like a really good idea with a partner. So show them exactly what you're looking for. Exactly, huge fans. Do that early on. Then they'll learn, right? You don't just use the words. They'll see what you do. You're watching what he does and then it's all information.

Great, this is so helpful. Well, I'm so glad. Yeah, keep me posted. So glad that you listen. Say hi to your friends. Thanks a lot. Okay, have a great day. Thanks. Bye, Kelly. All right. I love when people show you who they are early on in a relationship so you don't have to spend too much time with them. So first, well, it's can sting and you're thinking, why doesn't this person want to be with me or why wouldn't they want to try for my orgasm? It hurts for like a little bit. But then you have to look at the big picture and go, okay, on to the next. And so what can we learn about this case

communicating about sex? And I think the more we actually think about what we want, how we're going to explain it, everyone right now, like think about it. If you are just a matter of your relationship or you're looking for a partner, how can you have a healthy conversation about your sex life today? Or, you know, if you're in a relationship, like what are you not saying right now?

What are you hoping your partner's just gonna figure out? Cause that doesn't happen. And then if you're dating someone new, like what are you waiting for? Like? What are you hoping your partner's just gonna figure out? Because that doesn't happen. And then if you're dating someone new, like, what are you waiting for? Like I think if you're naked with somebody, you've already been naked, which is really friggin' intimate. It's probably time to start talking about what you like doing when you're naked, right?

You don't like sit in a restaurant and not talk about the food, right? You don't like, you're like, oh, how was that? We didn't want to get Italian again, but we want to get dessert or dessert doesn't really sit well with us sometime. Like, you just like, you talk about everything, but sex, we're just like, oh, how was that? We didn't want to get Italian again, but we want to get dessert or dessert doesn't really sit well with us sometime. I can just like, you talk about everything, but sex, we're just like, let's wait until there's a problem

or let's wait until like I'm miserable or resentful. No, like do it now. Great time to do it is when you've already been in smoke or someone, or if you're brave, do it before. Find out if they are someone that you is actually interested in being sexually healthy and being sexually healthy is all about communicating about sex and neurodysirers. So, let me tell you about magic wand.

It is the original one-stale massager and time magazine named it one of the most influential gadgets of this century. Okay? If you don't know about the magic wand, you've got to check it out. There are a few products. There's the original that someone you might have heard of when it plugs into the wall, but then they made the rechargeable, which is cordless. And I believe it's just as powerful.

It has the silk on the head, multi-function, variable speeds. They also have the magic wand plus, which has the silky on head, multi-function, variable speeds. They also have the magic one plus, which has the plug-in power. But let me tell you about the magic one mini. I'm obsessed with the mini because the mini has all the power of the other magic ones, but it's minier. It's great for couples play, no matter what your body part and it is a misoger. So you can be giving a partner a massage and use it all over their body. And it also feels great on all those fun nerve endings. Check out the Magic Wand.

Go to sexfamily.com slash magic wand. I have an article about all the ways to use the magic wand which you're gonna love to get you inspired. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily.

Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemlee.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. A go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Special thanks to Acast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemleaf.com. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUT