Sex With Emily - Hotline Calls: I Can’t Stop Thinking About My Ex

Episode Date: January 26, 2024

On today’s Best Of episode, I’m answering more of your questions from the Sex With Emily Hotline. We get into: how to handle it when your partner wants to have sex with someone else and stay in yo...ur relationship, what it means when you fantasize about your ex, how soon is too soon to start dating someone new after a breakup, and ways to avoid ghosting. In this episode, you’ll learn: How to set intentions for new relationships How cannabis can improve your orgasms and intimacy How to guide a partner during oral sex See the full show notes at Show Notes: The Sexiest Valentine’s Date Ideas (For Every Stage of Your Relationship) How to Do the Kivin Method The Pleasure Planner & Other Guides VIIA Hemp Co’s High Love Libido Gummies (code EMILY for 15% sitewide + Free Gummies Sample) SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular.

Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Sex with Emily is looking for a new senior podcast producer. We are sorry to say goodbye to Erica, but she is leaving to pursue her music career. And I know she's going to have much success. We are looking for a senior producer right now that can start and help us with content production. You have technical expertise. You know how to manage a team. You can collaborate and you have experience working in production with audio or podcasting and video. And you're also familiar with the content
Starting point is 00:00:33 because you're listening to the show. Send your cover letter and resume to jobs at We'd love to have you join our growing team and we have a good time over here. Thank you. If you want something different to happen, we have to do things differently. So how can you show up differently in this relationship? I think doing that yes, no, maybe list. That's also a really easy, kind of cute and flirty
Starting point is 00:01:06 icebreaker. It's a fun, flirty thing, yeah. And then you'll be out of your head, and then maybe he'll be your new excitement. You'll be like, oh my god, he's gonna give me a massage, or we're gonna take a bath together. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.
Starting point is 00:01:21 Eyes that block our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them in a bygone day. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. On today's episode, I loved talking to all of you. I got to answer more of your questions from the Sex with Emily Hotline. Some of the things we get into is,
Starting point is 00:01:49 how to handle it when your partner wants to have sex with someone else and stay in your relationship. What it means when you fantasize about your ex. How soon is too soon to start dating someone new after a breakup and ways to avoid ghosting. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, How to Do the Kiven Method
Starting point is 00:02:11 is up on Plus my new Valentine's Day guide, Valentine's Day ideas for every stage of your relationship is out now. Don't miss this guide, it's certainly gonna inspire you to have the best Valentine's Day yet. If you have a question, just call my hotline. It's 559-TALKSEX or 559-825-5739.
Starting point is 00:02:34 And all you do is you leave me your questions and then we will set up a time for you to call in. You can also message me, as always, slash ask Emily. All right, everybody, enjoy this episode. Confidence is so important in so many aspects of our lives, but it's particularly important in our sex lives. Well, that's why when I heard about Bathmate's New Year's sale, I had to share it with you
Starting point is 00:03:03 all. Now, Bathmate is the brand behind the world's best-selling penis pump, and they're here to support your journey to a more confident you. And if you don't know what a penis pump is, they're used to draw blood into the penis to stimulate and improve erections, flush out toxins, maintain tissue health,
Starting point is 00:03:18 and boost your confidence in the bedroom. Bathmate's FDA-approved hydraulic pump uses the power of water to create a hydraulic vacuum acting as a secondary pump to the heart to draw blood safely into the penis. And they're currently offering up to 33% off on a range of their award-winning products from their state-of-the-art penis pump,
Starting point is 00:03:37 the Hydro Extreme to their reliable HydroMax Bathmates Best Seller. Bathmates products are easy to use, they're discreet and can be incorporated into your daily wash routine. All you do is fill it with warm water, slide your penis in and create the vacuum for just three minutes, three to five times per week.
Starting point is 00:03:54 So really, what are you waiting for? Start your journey to a more confident new with BathMate. Visit slash sexwithemily to take advantage of their new year sale. That's B-A-T-H-M-A-T-E slash sex with Emily. Because confidence is key. Have you been looking to add a little magic to your masturbation game?
Starting point is 00:04:14 Allow me to introduce you to Magic Wand, the original wand massager that's been delivering incredible orgasms, trust me, since 1968. The Magic Wand wasn't named one of the most influential gadgets of the century for nothing. Whether you're a Magic Wand newbie or a long time fan, there's a perfect model for you. From the Magic Wand original to the rechargeable,
Starting point is 00:04:35 and the plus and the mini, each model delivers Magic Wand's signature, powerful vibrations that induce orgasms like no other. The most exciting part? Magic Wand just came out with the Magic Wand Micro. It's so good. It fits in the palm of your hand like other small bullet vibrators. It's perfect for other go or discrete pleasure without sacrificing any of the power.
Starting point is 00:04:57 You can find all the Magic Wand models on my shop site right now. So get there. Check out shopsexwithamily. Emily comm slash magic wand right now that shop sex with Emily comm slash magic wand to experience the magic for yourself We have Angie and Lenny they both have toxic relationships and want to know if it's okay that they're already dating Hi Angie and Lenny. Hi. Hi. This is crazy. Oh my god, I know. Hi. We are, we started off as co-workers. Okay. And we've been basically like best friends the whole time and for like three years. best friends the whole time and uh,
Starting point is 00:05:46 for like three years and we're kind of, I think more than that now, but I was in a really bad, not really bad relationship, but like a very confining relationship, I guess, for a very long time for like basically the whole time since he started here. And um, we both like just ended up knowing everything about each other's everything, like about all that stuff. And it got to the point where I was talking to him more about like my Personal needs and issues and I almost felt like I was maybe emotionally cheating. I guess what I've come to find out
Starting point is 00:06:18 Now that's the first time you actually like use those words to this But basically yeah, we've been harboring some stuff, I think, for a very long time, and I think it's finally like we, we both got out of these relationships and now we kind of just jumped. Yeah. And I think, I think we're in a situation now where it's like, we know so much about each other and like we've talked about, like literally everything where I feel like our relationship right now is framed in the context of what we know
Starting point is 00:06:48 about our prior relationships because it's so open. Yeah. So it's like, how do we let go of that to move on? And maybe, again, we were saying maybe this is more of a me thing because I'm in therapy, we both do therapy, we're both great. Talk about everything. And like really this right now is probably like the best most
Starting point is 00:07:08 Openly communicative relationship I've ever had Okay, it also freaks me out because I just got out of a long relationship and all I hear from you know my therapist You know take some time take a couple months and and that's always in the back of my head But at the same time it almost just feels like timing is, right? Yeah, that's kind of our side. It sounds like you're like, okay, well, now we got rid of those exes and now we're out of those horrible situations. And you're like, okay, here we are.
Starting point is 00:07:36 And now where do we like start? Like how do we sort of not live in that past? And what kind of relationship do we want going forward? Right. And I think also it's been really easy for us, I think in a lot of ways, like sexually, because we've like talked about stuff, like in a very kind of clinical manner before,
Starting point is 00:07:54 about everything that we want and need. So I feel like that's kind of fit right in really well. That's pretty easy. I think it's more like, I don't know, there's like a confidence aspect that like, I feel like we need to like build each other back up and that we're thinking about each other in terms of like the way that we're behaving in our previous relationships that are not, I guess, like necessarily accurate, but it's causing like maybe some insecurities, I guess,
Starting point is 00:08:18 in our current situation. Can you give me some examples? Okay, so for me, I think a big one, and you know, he knows all about my insecurities, but in my past relationship, he was very not open and really didn't want to get intimate really at the end very much at all. And it really made me, you know, insecure. How could it not? And I started listening to your show kind of that trigger that I was like looking for answers. And so I was listening to everything like listening all your episodes and trying to take all for answers. And so I was listening to everything like listening all your episodes and trying to take all this advice. And you know, I love the turf time talk. Tiving turf and tone. I'm turf. Yeah. That's when you're supposed to three T's of communication.
Starting point is 00:08:57 Whatever you got it, you got it. Slowly but surely. So I tried that with my previous relationship and just nothing seemed to stick and it was like I felt like I really wanted I guess some kind of validation from him but then I realized and I knew Deep Downey just wasn't my person and like you knew that but he was so supportive anyway and now I guess that's something that I'm insecure about is like in the beginning things can seem all great and good but I'm like what is it about me like what am I going insecure about is like in the beginning things can seem all great and good, but I'm like, what is it about me? Like, what am I going to do to like, What's going to happen if she's going to do wrong?
Starting point is 00:09:29 Yeah, exactly. Well, I think it is important to still continue. You said you're in therapy. Yeah. And I think that is important. But so it sounds like you're kind of living in the past right now worrying about the past or what could happen. But what do you guys want right now? Like, what do you can now you can spend time together? Like, if you had to have a timing turf and tone conversation, like, what would you say right now? There's some uncertainty right now about like where I'm going to land next. But in the meantime, it's, it's, it's one of those things where we're just, I want to make sure that we both give each other enough time to kind of recover before we decide,
Starting point is 00:10:02 like, okay, this is, you know, we are really signing on to this. This is exactly where we need to be and we're going to sort of build a life together, you know, whatever. I'm super guarded, I think, because of that. And I think that... And I think I'm a little bit more gung-ho than she is at this point about it. So are you worried, Angie, because you think he's going to go into a new office to maybe help meet someone else there? Not even that.
Starting point is 00:10:26 I'm just... Oh, okay. Because he's supposed to be allegedly leaving the country to do... Maybe. Depends. And so I'm just kind of like... It's just so tricky. I've never been in a situation.
Starting point is 00:10:35 I've never had a male best friend like this before. And I've always kind of been in the school of thought where I'm like, can it really be platonic? I don't know. But this is just different. I've never had a best friend like this really at all. That's okay. So do you guys want, have you guys talked about things that you want? Like, if you talked about what you're looking for, what your values are, what's important to you?
Starting point is 00:10:56 I feel like we have a lot in common about like the values thing. Yeah. Neither of us want, neither of us really are. That's huge. Get married. Yeah. Those are like the huge, like I'm not crazy about marriage. You're not really either. What about sex? How's your sex life? How's your intimacy? I think it's pretty good. It's great. It's pretty good.
Starting point is 00:11:15 Okay. Yeah, definitely still learning about each other, but. Okay. And we're able to talk so openly about it and I'm not used to being that comfortable with somebody. And thanks to your podcast. I feel like we go on these like we have to go on these sales trips and stuff when we listen to your podcast, but like mostly we're just talking over you because we get onto our own conversations about whatever you're talking about.
Starting point is 00:11:36 I love that I can be the lubricant. That sounds like lubricant for your conversations. So it sounds like things are good. I mean, you have the same values. You both don't want kids. Your sex life is great. So and you have healthy communication. I know what's the purpose of a relationship for both of you?
Starting point is 00:11:53 If I have to ask you, like, what is the purpose of being in a relationship? Or wife partner. What do you want that for? You know, I was going to say the word partner. Just yeah. Okay. I want somebody to build a life with. I want to set ribs to dig my elbow into.
Starting point is 00:12:06 Okay. And what about you, Angie? Yeah, like I just think I think a partnership and building a life together, building each other. He's like my number one support system when it comes to like everything career wise and just, I know it's like annoying. Okay. Just feel like you're everything that I'm supposed to. And I'm like trying to fight it. So you want to know like, how do you, how do you know this is the right thing? And I got to say that you don't, you never really know, right? There's never, no one's going to say like, this is right. I'm not going to say you guys seem perfect, but I think it means that you got to
Starting point is 00:12:37 continue doing the work. And you got to continue talking about things and checking in. You know, I love the idea of couples having like a relationship contract and maybe it's month to month. You know, how do we want to feel in a month from now? In a month from now, we want to make sure that these things are happening. Like what are your relationship goals? What are your dreams? How do you see each other fitting into those meeting those goals and those dreams that you have for yourselves together and in the relationship?
Starting point is 00:13:03 So maybe if you have check-ins at a place that's like once a month, we have that pleasure planner that we have at our site. I don't know if you download it. It's a free downloadable. And couples can download that. And it's not just about sex, but it's about what are the things that we could do together
Starting point is 00:13:17 to support our intimate relationship moving forward. And maybe it's like a check-in point, because it's so new and exciting and you're both, I get that you're both afraid and that all makes sense. In fact, I love that you're both talking about how nervous you are about it, but that is the past. It sounds like you're learning your lessons. I mean, sometimes we repeat things. You're never just done with lessons. And maybe you need something new to like set this new, like, is there anything that you guys have together that you're working on that's outside of work? Is there anything that
Starting point is 00:13:47 you guys I mean I do live near each other do you have activities you do together? Well that's kind of what I was saying too is like you wanted to go somewhere I'm like I don't want to be somewhere where he had just recently been with his ex and like we need to do something that's new to both of us rather than Well that makes sense create your new normals because your life has been in the same town. And so I think the most important thing is to say, like, if you have free time, how, how is your free time spent? What's the ideal vacation for you?
Starting point is 00:14:15 What's the importance of family or friends or how you maybe make some plans? You know, I tell you couples when they plan things together, it's such a fun thing. You say, look forward to there's an adrenaline, you see how you travel together. I guess you guys travel together for work. But I mean, it wouldn't be a bad idea at this stage you've donated for three years, like you both have therapists. I like the idea of maybe going to see a therapist together and talking about these things because you're just in it.
Starting point is 00:14:38 You're almost in the honeymoon phase right now, in a way. It's exciting. The best you could do is focus on the present and maybe even recap the days. Like how was today? Did you get your needs met? We have this blog on and on our site about like relationship check-ins. What did I do great this month?
Starting point is 00:14:53 What could I improve on? Like what did you love about this week? Did you feel like your love languages were met or your needs were met? And you could get like a template together that you just keep me and maybe it seems like you guys love talking to me once a month. It could be once every two weeks and just make sure that you're saying all the things that you just keep meeting. Maybe it seems like you guys love talking. It could be once a month. It could be once every two weeks. And just making sure that you're saying all the things that need to be said.
Starting point is 00:15:10 Yeah. Here's my fears. Here's what I'm excited about. It's good advice. It is. Okay. Kimmy posted. You guys can call in again.
Starting point is 00:15:18 I'm sending you lots of love. Love you. Love you, love you guys. Thanks, good luck. We've Alisa 23. She hasn't been able to orgasm with anyone but her ex, and what works now is fantasizing about him. Hey, Alisa.
Starting point is 00:15:32 Hi. What's going on? Tell me everything. So I was in an abusive relationship for a few years. It was on and off. And when I finally got out of that, I started to, you know, like try to move on, date other people, but I noticed that,
Starting point is 00:15:49 like I don't know if it's just me because I've never had this issue before this toxic relationship, but I can't orgasm with anyone other than my ex. Like I just can't let myself mentally get there. And so I guess my question is like, how can I stop my past from effect, affecting my future partnership? Well, it's a really good question.
Starting point is 00:16:14 When did you end it with this toxic partner? We've been broken up for about a year now. How long were you with that partner? On and off for four years. Okay. Yeah, that's a long time and you're 23. So that's a significant relationship. Have you done work? Have you been in therapy?
Starting point is 00:16:29 Yes, I have. I went through about a year worth of therapy to try to get over that. And this new partner I'm with now, we've had this conversation about my ex and he told me that he would be okay with dating me. The only thing stopping him is he just doesn't want that drama, he doesn't want that baggage. He's scared that the ex will show up or message him or just cause drama.
Starting point is 00:16:54 I mean, you can't avoid, I think you just work on strengthening this current relationship. So the thing about the orgasm is, I mean, I know you'll be able to orgasm. This guy did not ruin you forever. You're, there's nothing wrong with your body or your vagina, your vulva. Like you, you will have orgasms again. See, you have to remember you're with someone for four years.
Starting point is 00:17:14 So he got to know your body and you felt comfortable and you felt safe enough. I guess. I mean, I know it was toxic, but you, you know, you were in a relationship together. These things take time. I, you don't just like get into a relationship and start orgasming every time you really don't so I would go easy on yourself How'd how long have you been with this new partner? About four months. Okay. That's still really new and Yeah, you able to talk to him about your needs and
Starting point is 00:17:39 Sexually and what turns you on? I haven't been able to get myself there with him. Okay. Yeah. I think I just like a lot of sexual insecurity because like with my ex, I was never in my head. I didn't have to think about what feels good. Do I look good? If he enjoying this, I really just, I wasn't in my head, but with this new guy, like it's terrifying. I'm in my head. I don't want to say anything to freak him out. Oh, okay. But it's interesting that this ex was toxic and you were able to let go sexually. Exactly, yeah.
Starting point is 00:18:10 Like I think we were just so comfortable with each other and then the toxicity and the abuse just got so comfortable for me. Right, right. I mean, can you kind of channel back to yourself when you were, so you were met him when you were like 18, maybe or 19, 17, so it's like, you're still that same person,
Starting point is 00:18:28 but now you're like a more mature woman who's had experience. And I feel like, listen, women are more likely, these have been studies on this, that women are more likely to orgasm with a partner when they feel safe, and they feel trusted, and they feel like they can be themselves. So maybe you're just not there yet. Now also, I just want to make sure that you're continuing to go to your
Starting point is 00:18:51 therapy and working out whatever this was because we don't want any patterns to get set. So you can kind of release some of the trauma you've been through, maybe do some really good trauma therapy. You can do some mindfulness practices as well. You know, we talk, I talk talk about a lot about mindful masturbation, really breathing and going back to the moment when you're with someone and thinking about the five senses, what is happening in the moment, and are you still masturbating and pleasing yourself?
Starting point is 00:19:15 I am. I do it frequently, but the interesting thing about that is the only way I can orgasm through masturbation is my ex cheated on me quite a bit. So the only way I can actually get myself to orgasm through masturbation is by imagining him being with other Okay, Lisa, I think this might be some trauma work then because I don't want this to be become your go-to emotions and feelings around your partner. So I love EMDR therapy, eye movement, desensitization, reprocessing, so you can kind of get some of these fantasies
Starting point is 00:19:52 out of your head about the X. So I think that there's nothing wrong with your orgasm. I would love you to like find other things. Like maybe there's some great porn, like Balesa does this great site that does like ethical porn. Maybe you could find some ways to get other things in your head that might be fantasies, like work on cultivating a rich fantasy life with yourself. So we can kind of replace some of the negative, the fantasies that are relating to the ex during masturbation. You could say, I'm not going to think that I'm going to try to like plant
Starting point is 00:20:24 this space. So I'm thinking about something else. And then maybe you could say, I'm not gonna think that I'm gonna try to like plant this space so I'm thinking about something else. And then maybe you could watch some porn with this guy or talk about do the yes, no, maybe list. That's a really great resource on our site that you could download together and you could talk about what you're into. So maybe keep it a little bit lighter. Just be like, yeah, I'm into spanking.
Starting point is 00:20:38 I'm into this, I'm into dirty talk. I'm into cuddling. It's a great resource on our site. So like, I'm just trying to think of how to get you out of your head and into creating something new with this current partner. Do something different. Like if we want something different to happen, we have to do things differently. So how can you show up differently in this relationship?
Starting point is 00:20:58 Yeah, I love that. I think doing that yes, no, maybe list. It's something that I've heard you talk about before that I've been really meaning to get done. And that's like also a really easy like kind of you know, and flirty. It's a fun flirty thing. Yeah, and then you'll be out of your head and then maybe he'll be your new excitement. You'll be like, oh my god, we're doing this. He's gonna, you know, give me a massage or we're gonna take a bath together and then you'll get excited and then you just, I think you, your earliest conditioning around sex has been with this guy So of course you've nothing new to fantasize about let's go out there and create some new fantasies for you with a new partner
Starting point is 00:21:32 Whether he's mr. Right or mr. Right now. I think that in every relationship we get to Create the reality and the experiences that we want and we learn from every relationship on our life So I don't know if he's going to be, how long he'll be around, but you might as well get what you need right now and you need some new fantasies, new material to get your needs met and take it, take your sexuality and your sexual pleasure into your own hands. Exactly. And I feel like that's where a lot of my sexual insecurity
Starting point is 00:21:58 comes from too. It's just like, so much of my sexual experience was based around one person and the actions that he did to me. And I think I used that. Yeah. That makes so much sense. That's so insightful. Lisa, absolutely. It is. Where else would it come from? Right? I mean, maybe you had someone else in high school, but really four years in these very formative years. So, you know, I wish I could like change everyone, realize that everyone thinks that they're so behind, like I, you know, at your age, like, Oh, I
Starting point is 00:22:24 haven't had enough experience. But you're not supposed to have like it's you're doing it as you need to do it You got out of an unhealthy place. I'm so happy for you. And now if we can flip this at least and say this is exciting I get to I get to create my new sexual destiny I get to see who I am and what I'm into and I'm gonna with this guy right now We're gonna do this together and I'm gonna get something out of it, whether or not he does. Like, I don't, like, the more we start to get a little selfish with our own,
Starting point is 00:22:51 our desires and what we want, you're gonna see that not only will you get your needs met, but I believe that the right partners are gonna want to please you and want to respect you. And they're gonna love that you're able to ask for what you want and know what you want. Exactly.
Starting point is 00:23:03 And I think that's like a huge confidence booster too. Like I think a lot of my issues here are just like self-confidence related due to going through that experience. Yeah, we've all got that, right? It's a life that's a lifelong journey. But I think confidence comes from experience and Belito and then more experience you have. You're like, Oh, I got this. I know how to orgasm, I know what I want. So go have some experiences with him
Starting point is 00:23:27 that's gonna help build your confidence. Well, I love that. Thank you so much. Of course. I really love this show and I really just want to get a professional insight on this. Okay. Well, I hope that's helpful.
Starting point is 00:23:38 Keep me posted. We'll be doing more of these. So reach out and let me know how it's going. I'd love to follow your journey. Great, thank you so much. Emily, it was awesome talking to you. Man'am, have a good day. Thanks. Bye. Speaking of orgasms, I don't think I can talk about orgasms without talking about the very first sex advice I ever got from my mother.
Starting point is 00:23:55 Now, hear me out. I did not grow up in an environment where we talked about sex all the time. If you read my book, Smart Sex, you know that I didn't have an orgasm until I was like 25. But prior to that, I realized that orgasms were this thing that I thought everyone was having, and one day I went home and said to my mother, Mom, I've never had an orgasm. What do I do? And she said, Have you ever tried smoking a joint? Now, I know that might seem off-putting. I had never talked to my mother about sex or cannabis at that point. But her point was, listen, you probably gotta relax. What she knew at that point was that when people smoke weed, like a lot of people might use alcohol this way,
Starting point is 00:24:34 or when they take a hit or they have a gummy, it can help them get into their body, relax, and let go of negative worry and thoughts that are holding us back. And a lot of those negative worried thoughts, how do I look at my body right now? Am I gonna orgasm? Does this person really like me?
Starting point is 00:24:50 All those thoughts are keeping you from orgasm. It can help you feel more connected to your body, less worried and let go. We worked with Viaham Company in the last year. What I've realized is just the impact of myself taking it, my everyone on my team and all my listeners, it's really had an impact on you all. Because first, let me say this,
Starting point is 00:25:11 it's definitely legal in many states right now, cannabis. And there's been so much great studies lately, like there was a 2023 study that surveyed a bunch of people and they found that 70% of the respondents reported increased desire and orgasm intensity. Meaning 70% of people who experienced with cannabis felt more desire meaning I want to have sex now and their orgasms were more intense. They were able to feel more, they were able to get more in touch with their feelings.
Starting point is 00:25:40 Because remember, our brain is the largest sex organ. If our brain is mired in thoughts about worry and anxiety and shame, we're not going to be able to lead into desire and orgasms. So the cannabis helps you make that shift. And then 40% of the women in the same studies said they were more able to have multiple orgasms when using marijuana. So basically all these studies have been coming out lately that suggest that cannabis can potentially close the orgasm gap. But I know it's good for everybody, no matter what your genitals. I always feel like I want to preface and say that for a lot of people, they, in the past, before cannabis
Starting point is 00:26:11 was regulated and we've had it in these cute little containers that are dosed out, you might have had not a great experience with it. Like, maybe someone gave you an edible cookie and you ate the whole thing and then you felt like you couldn't move and you did not feel sexy. You didn't feel social. But you have to think about cannabis as medicine. It really is medicine. It really is healing. When you buy something like through Buy a Hemp Company, you're going to get these gummies that are in milligrams. It says take two milligrams, take four milligrams, split this gummy in half, and then you dose it and it takes 20 minutes to an hour and you'll see how it makes you feel. So you'll be able to regulate it. You it takes 20 minutes to an hour, and you'll see how it makes you feel,
Starting point is 00:26:45 so you'll be able to regulate it. You're not gonna be going off the rails with this stuff. It's more like the impact of, say, having a glass of wine. And, by the way, just as money studies have come out to show the harm alcohol has on your sex life. Well, at the same time, there's been more studies that show that cannabis can actually have a positive impact. Again, this isn't for everybody.
Starting point is 00:27:04 I'm not telling everybody to go out and use cannabis. I want to give you all the facts to know that it is safe to explore. And we're talking about orgasms. This can be a really fun way to play with your orgasms, especially when I saw this stab that 40% of women said they were able to multiple orgasms. But if you've never had an orgasm before, which is a huge question I get from a lot of you, perhaps taking a gummy relaxing, taking a bath and sort of finding your way to orgasm,
Starting point is 00:27:34 this might be a great way to help you out. And that's what I want. I just want to give you all the information so you can figure out your best path to pleasure and to orgasm. Also, the fun note is that a lot of the people have reported that it helps them with masturbating, just helps them be more present during masturbating, that they're thinking like, make some want to masturbate, want to be more in their bodies.
Starting point is 00:27:55 I think the whole point here is that using cannabis can help you feel more in touch with your eroticism and your arousal and your body. And we've shared this on the show before before But I want to share it again because Robert said I just want to reach out and give you a resounding Thank you adding the high-love gummies from via hemp company was an amazing experience for both my partner and myself That I was too insecure to open up and talk about or try now I feel like I'll try anything once and comfortably so Robert says it all it's a little bit encouragement like he also had some reservations He tried it with his partner and I'm assuming there was a lot of fun and orgasms. And cannabis can improve your orgasms, but like I said, it can improve sex drive. So just start
Starting point is 00:28:34 low, go slow, work your way up. There's also been interesting studies that cannabis can be used to manage menopause symptoms. So women in midlife have been using cannabis to ease symptoms from mood issues to trouble sleeping. So anyway, there's been a lot of great research around cannabis and sex and I wanted to share with you. So if you want to have cannabis to your sex life, you're already a frequent user. Love via hemp companies, THC, libido gummies.
Starting point is 00:28:58 They have all the benefits that I mentioned, but these are also made with aphrodisiac herbs, THC, CBD. So really just think about awaking your senses, increasing blood flow, igniting pleasure. My partner also loves their sleep gummies. I love all their gummies really, I've tried them all now. So spice up your love life, try out Viahemp company's high love THC libido gummies.
Starting point is 00:29:17 Visit use code EMILY to get 15% off your order. They also throw in free samples of their award winning gummies. You must be in the% off your order. They also throw in free samples of their award winning gummies. You must be in the United States to order. That's use code Emily at checkout. Hold the phone. I'll be right back answering more hotline calls after the break. Whenever I ask people, so what's your biggest turn off, they often say hygiene. And while there's a lot to be said for our natural odors, sometimes it's best to make sure you feel fresh all over your body.
Starting point is 00:29:56 So I'm going to let you in on my latest discovery for smelling better naked. And that is loomy. It's the whole body deodorant that is safe to use anywhere in your body. And I mean anywhere. I'm talking thighs, feet, under boob, and yes, your vulva. Created by an OBGYN, this pH optimized formula
Starting point is 00:30:15 isn't just about smelling good. It's about feeling confident. Whether you're hitting the gym or getting cozy with a partner, I've tried it literally everywhere and it's been a game changer. No more worrying about reapplying throughout the day or worrying about unexpected odors. And apparently it's not just me raving about it, they have over 270,000 5-star reviews.
Starting point is 00:30:36 So if you're ready to give it a try, I've got something to get you started. New customers can get $5 off Loomis Starter Pack, which includes their solid stick deodorant, their cream tube deodorant, and two free products of your choice with the code SWE at That's L-U-M-E and code SWE at checkout for $5 off your starter pack. That's over 40% off. Trust me, your body and everyone else around you will thank you. We have Victoria 22 and she's wondering how do you let someone go without ghosting them? And also how can she guide her partner when he's going down on her? Hey Victoria.
Starting point is 00:31:21 Oh my God. Hi. It's good. Yeah. And thank you for taking the time to help me out. Of course. I got you. What's going on? I was dating this guy for like briefly and he themed like normal. We talked for like maybe like a week and a half before we met and then we went on a date and I just as soon as he pulled up, like his pictures were a little dated. And I was like, okay, like let's see, you know, it's not looks isn't everything, but the personality wasn't there for me either. Very braggy about his job and like not in like a humble way.
Starting point is 00:31:59 And it was just very obnoxious and I didn't even really get a talk. But in the middle of the date, he was like, I'm having a really great time. And I was like, I didn't know what to say. Cause I was like, I really wasn't like, I was enjoying like kind of talking to him, but I was like, I was like, yeah, me too. Like it's nice to like, yeah, yeah. But he like, yeah.
Starting point is 00:32:19 And he wanted to play. He was like, we need to do this again. Like right then and there. And usually it's like, I said okay, because I was so thrown off to like, he was like, we need to do this again, but great then and there. And usually it's like, I said okay because I was so thrown off that like, I don't know, you usually go on a date and then like kind of like, figure it out.
Starting point is 00:32:33 I don't know, like I didn't want to be like, right then and there like, no. Like we didn't even get the check. Okay. So. Sort of lock you down. Okay. Well, that's what it,
Starting point is 00:32:42 it's kind of turned to be that way. And that's kind of why I really just put it to end So the second day I was you know what like Victoria like give another chance like Don't want to like completely. It's not like that terror like it wasn't like that terrible I enjoyed his company, but then the second time we met He was like I'm living at home and I was like, no problem saying like, you know, yeah, we were both living like elsewhere. So I'm like, I totally got it. Like, I'm not gonna judge. So he was like, well, parents aren't gonna be
Starting point is 00:33:12 home. And like, it was like during the work day. So he was like, still working. But I was like, okay, like we could do lunch. And I was kind of like, gonna be like, tell him in person, like, and then his parents were home. And then I met the parents. And like completely awkward. Like he made it seem like they weren't gonna be home. And I was like, okay, like that's cause I did say like, oh, it's not too soon to meet the parents.
Starting point is 00:33:36 Like, oh, like I tried to make a joke of it cause I was petrified that that was gonna happen. So they ended up eating with us. And like we watched an episode of TV together. Like it was just terrible. I needed to get out of there. So this is the second day of the first date you're on the fence, but yeah. Okay. So you and that's exactly how I felt. And then it just felt like you was trying to trap me again. We were watching the show and then his parents like left and I went to go to use the bathroom and then he turned off the TV in the living room
Starting point is 00:34:07 and moved over to his bedroom, which I didn't love. So I was like, I'm actually gonna go. So thankfully I left, but he was just like- That's awkward. Even during the date, he was, it's very awkward and very uncomfortable. So let's not date this guy. So what's the question?
Starting point is 00:34:24 How could I help you? I feel like I'm always put in these situations where like, I don't know what to say. Like in the moment when somebody wants to. Yeah. Like when he, so what do you do when someone says this is a great day? And you're like, I think this is fun. Yeah, it's fun. I mean, we're all, we've all been there.
Starting point is 00:34:40 Or I'll be like, Oh yeah, it's, it's, it's fun. Yeah, you're awesome. But you just kind of make it casual. You don't own anyone anything, but right now, is he still following up with you? I hate to ghost. I really do. But I was having a hard time wording it.
Starting point is 00:34:55 Well, I can help you just say, thank you so much for the time we spent. I don't feel a romantic connection with you. Thanks. And leave it at that. Do it. That's, I mean, honestly, I think that that is the best way to do it. It's much better than ghosting.
Starting point is 00:35:09 And listen, a lot of us are pleasers. We don't want to offend anybody, but if you don't want to be with this guy and you already know, you know, like even from the first minute you knew, but we've all, this is a practice. Okay. It's all a practice. I think we've all, it's a lot easier for us to say yes than this to say no. And we don't want to hurt people, but you have nothing like you, you don't owe them anything.
Starting point is 00:35:31 You just went on two dates with him. And I think you might feel good saying, you know what? I really liked our time, I really liked meeting you. I don't feel like a romantic connection. I don't feel like, well, however you would say it. That's how I wanted to say it. That's actually how I wanted to say it. But I was like, is that me?
Starting point is 00:35:45 No, no, Victoria, that's honest and that's real and that's so much better than ghosting. And I'm glad you're asking this question because what a great lesson for everyone listening, like it's not that hard to not ghost. You just say, so nice to meet you, wish you best of luck, but I don't feel that kind of connection with you. I don't feel that kind, you go, that air quotes, that kind of romantic. Thanks. And sure, he might be, oh, well, fuck
Starting point is 00:36:10 you. Like the block, delete, but people, if more people were honest and more people could kind of just say these things openly, then we'd be in a much better place. But yes, he might get defensive. I don't know this guy, but you can't argue with that. You're being honest. You didn't, you didn't get married. You don't know this guy, but you can't argue with that. You're being honest. You didn't get married. You didn't promise him anything. It was two dates that were both pretty awkward. Yeah, I'm glad you said that because I really wanted to be cut and dry like that.
Starting point is 00:36:33 And I always tell people, I'd tell me upfront if it's not it. But then when it comes down to it, I'm like, I don't want to hurt his feelings. He seems like a genuine guy. But then also, it feels like he's trying to get me to like, to what? No, you don't owe him anything. Now, what about like he's trying to like just be honest. Get me to like, you know, you don't own anything. Now, what about your question you had about oral sex?
Starting point is 00:36:47 Okay. That one, it just like, basically, again, like, I don't know how to like guide people when it's like, this is interesting. See, the questions are very similar in a way. If you think about it, like, how do I let this person know that I'm not interested in them? How do I let this person know to do something different orally? And it's, I love you to start right now practicing with everyone,
Starting point is 00:37:08 even if it's with your parents right now, telling them. And people don't like boundaries. People might react. Like maybe you grew up in a home where it wasn't OK to express your needs. No one ever asked what you wanted. They're like, we're always going along with the family plan. That's how I grew up.
Starting point is 00:37:22 It was like, no one asked me what I wanted or what I cared. It was like about what they wanted or whatever. That's how I grew up. It was like, no one asked me what I wanted or what I cared. It was like about life, what they wanted or my whatever. We just, we learned these things by doing, we learned by practicing. So where else are you not getting your needs met? And where can you be? Because you're your own best advocate. So in those situations with oral sex, even though the guy moved away, but let's use that as an example, you'd say to him outside the bedroom or, you know, even in the moment if it was hurting, you could say, hey, could you just slow down or maybe we could take a break for a minute. I mean, people just aren't used to getting feedback about sex at all. So I think that maybe there could, I think there is a fear as women maybe if you're with a man that they
Starting point is 00:37:59 could react or get defensive or get weird. But I think that most good people wanna just be good lovers. And they're like, okay, thanks for telling me. But you won't know unless you try. And you've been coming with integrity and you're being honest. So anyway, in that situation, if it's in the moment and you're in pain, like you know I always say,
Starting point is 00:38:18 talk about sex outside the bed or timing turf and tone. But if you're in pain, which it says here, you were a little bit painful, you could say, oh, you know what, can we just maybe go a little it says here, you were a little bit painful, you could say, oh, you know what? Can we just maybe go a little bit lighter? Can you go a little bit slower with your mouth? Maybe could you move your tongue to the left or the right? Just give a feedback.
Starting point is 00:38:32 But if it's not in the bedroom, then outside of it, you could say, hey, you know, I just gave you any tips for the blow job, you know, because let me give you something. Just make it fun. I'm telling you, people your age and even my age, all ages are not that comfortable with this yet, but my mission is to get us all expecting it. Like I love making out with you. It's so hot and I'm hoping that when we kiss sometimes, you kind of, I feel like it's a little bit more rough
Starting point is 00:38:58 and I'd love it if we could kind of slow down. Maybe I could show you the way I like to be kissed. And you can show me the way you like to be kissed. So you like end it with, you start with something that you like and then you offer a suggestion and then you close it out with another compliment. But I think just getting comfortable and practicing,
Starting point is 00:39:13 even with this guy you're not into, practice just saying no, I'm not into it. And then sexually, it's being kind, it's not apologizing and saying, I'm sorry. It's just saying like, this is what feels good to me. I'm dying to know what feels good to you. Let's talk about what happened last night. Let's talk about our sex life.
Starting point is 00:39:28 Well, part of it is on me. I do notice that I'm not always wet during sexual intercourse. And that's always like a topic too, because like I'm not afraid to bring things into the bedroom. I've dealt with partners that like have an insecurity with it. And that's why I'm not talking to them anymore. But bringing like, like when's the time to do that? You know, always loop, always loop, loop on every nightstand. So do you, so are you on any medications or birth control pills?
Starting point is 00:39:55 I have a hormonal IUD. Okay. Cause that could also impact your wetness level, but you know, it changes throughout the month, weeks at our wetness. If we could be wet and not turned on and turned on and not wet and all those things. So, hmm, I wonder, I mean, that I bring it everywhere. I bring it. I literally will not have any sex, any activity, nothing, hand job, blow job, oral, anything without lube. Yeah. You have to understand that you're a pioneer and in the way of like your age
Starting point is 00:40:21 group in your twenties, people of my age don't even know what to do. Like they're like, they asked me the same questions. How do I bring lube? But I think the more that I, people, everyone listening to this show right now, and there's something you want to try, the more people that start showing up with lube and showing up with what they want sexually, then people are going to start to expect it. But I need all of you, all my listeners, to be the change, like be that person. Like so what if, listen, if this guy says you're using lube, like, yeah, you don't. I mean, honestly, they're not your person if they don't have a growth mindset
Starting point is 00:40:52 around sex and most people don't know this stuff. So the fact that you're even listening to this show, that you're even feel safe to call in and talk about it is such a, it's such a help for you. I hope and for everybody listening. So thank you. It is. And I just got to bring it's such a help for you. I hope and for everybody listening. So thank you It is and I just got to bring it one day just bring it Thank you for calling in we'll be doing these more often. So thank you. I appreciate it. Love you and I Open my mind sexually. So thank you very much. I'm so glad. Thank you for calling it. I appreciate you. Have a good one
Starting point is 00:41:22 Thanks. We have Ali. She good one. Yeah. Thanks, you too. Bye. We have Allie. She's 23. She's monogamous, but her partner talks about wanting to have sex with other people. Welcome, Allie. Thank you for calling in. Tell me everything.
Starting point is 00:41:35 Yeah, so. What's going on? Yeah. So I am, like I said, I'm 23, so I'm pretty young, but I am, I have been with my partner for a couple of years now. We have a wonderful relationship, a very healthy relationship, I think especially for being so young.
Starting point is 00:41:52 He's only a couple of years older than me. And we have very different sexualities. And I have never been able to really pinpoint exactly what we would call our different sexualities, but they're pretty much opposite. So I am, I would say more on the demisexual spectrum. I'm not huge into labels, but I found that term not too long ago and I really identified with it.
Starting point is 00:42:20 So I need emotional intimacy to even be attracted to somebody. And it explained a lot about my life. I was really excited to hear that term. Whereas he is really able to separate physical desire from emotional desire. So in a perfect world, his relationship wouldn't necessarily be a monogamous one. It would be one where it could be open sexually,
Starting point is 00:42:43 but the emotional intimacy and the primary relationship would still remain the same. It would be one person where he expresses that emotional intimacy with. So I was just wondering, because I have never heard of this kind of dynamic, I was just curious if you had any thoughts on, right now, we're in a monogamous relationship, and we have been for years, but I know that there's this part of him that
Starting point is 00:43:09 isn't really being fulfilled in his sexuality, but I don't know how I could possibly offer that to him or find a compromise because I am totally on the other end of the spectrum. Right. And I think a lot of us are demisexual, but we just don't really know that term, you know, as far as Yeah, we want to have an emotional because that's what I want like I can't I don't want to just go out of sex for I mean, I have don't get me wrong I've had sex just because I had sex for sex sex, but mostly if I want to be with someone in a relationship
Starting point is 00:43:35 I've got like and to me usually it wasn't just random It's because maybe we had emotional connection even if it was fleeting I need that as well So when it needs to see me, get me, I think it's common. So thank you for bringing this up, this term up. But if you're looking for monogamy and you've been with him for a few years, you said, right? So you've been with him, like, you know that that's what you want right now at 23.
Starting point is 00:43:56 And if he doesn't, that might just be really hard for you to take, cause you don't wanna go out and just have sex with people, do you? Unless you wanna develop a few parts. When I'm in a relationship, it's like he is the only one for me. I have zero physical attraction or desire for emotional intimacy outside of him. Okay. So, and is he telling you right now that this is something that he's ready to pursue?
Starting point is 00:44:17 Not necessarily. That's the other thing. He, he talks about it as like he, he has never been able to fully explore this. Um, you know, he's been in-monogamous relationships and been able to explore sexuality a little bit. But this is the longest monogamous relationship he's been in. He always reassures me. He's so happy with me. And he's tried to explain it to me many times about how it's not that he's not being, he couldn't be fulfilled in this monogamous relationship.
Starting point is 00:44:49 It's just that this is part of his sexuality that he sees himself wanting to explore at some point, but it's not necessarily, um, representative of how great our relationship is. Does that make sense? Right. Yes. Absolutely. You could totally be in a relationship with someone and be in love and have these connections, but you're still like, I want to go experience other people. I just, it doesn't, and it doesn't, it doesn't take, so in his mind, which is valid obviously, because it's his thoughts and his feelings, it doesn't take away from his attraction to you.
Starting point is 00:45:13 He's like, I just think I'll be, I'll be able to come back to you for emotional support. You'll be my primary partner as they call it open relationships. Are you asking like if it happens in the future or you're just saying, can this ever work if it, if he does decide to do that? Yeah. And, and I, I wonder, you know, I know you've talked a lot about open relationships and the, I mean, I literally just saw on your Instagram today, you know, don't pursue a threesome to save your relationship or something. Right. Yes. That was speaking to you today. I was like, Oh my God, this is so funny and we're talking today. And so I guess, yeah, my question is, I mean, I love him so much and I would never want to compromise my mental health or what I want out of a relationship to, you know, satisfy
Starting point is 00:45:55 what he wants, but I also respect him so much. And I love him so much and I want to be the best partner. And I just wonder if I think people tend to get really closed off to this idea of an open relationship when maybe it's not their nature. And I'm just curious if there's anything that we can even experiment with now that maybe isn't seeking out other partners yet, but can kind of open the door and we can open the door to talking about it and maybe having experiences like this. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, how would you feel going out of date at night and then coming home can open the door to talking about it and maybe having experiences like this. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:46:26 I mean, how would you feel going out of date at night and then coming home later and telling you about it kind of thing? Or going to a play party maybe where there's other people around that could be something as well? I don't know how you would. I don't know what. It's kind of, it's challenging.
Starting point is 00:46:40 It's risky, right? Because you don't want them to go out and do something, and then you bring up all these emotions. But if you guys are very or jealousy, but if you guys have open communication, you know, I think that you'd be able to handle whatever comes your way. But also, he's not even saying that he wants to do it right now. So you seem like you're very organized, you're a planner, you're kind of into the future already. But right now, he's like, everything's fine. And how old is he? You said he's 25. Okay. So yeah, he's in his 20s. And,
Starting point is 00:47:04 you know, you guys are both still figuring out your ways. I mean, you know, as you might find that, you know, I know people who are in open relationships who actually have an emotional connection with every one of their partners. And so people can do that. Like you have a lot of friends that you love that are your best friends or close friends.
Starting point is 00:47:20 And I've been in scenarios like that too, where I'm sleeping with people like two people and they care about, I care about both of them But I didn't I wasn't looking for a monologue for a partner You know now I'm in a place where I want I want to be monogamous But I've been through all the stages in my life just because that's really I was really honoring Who I was at that point and so I just want to say to you that you're still figuring it out too And you're doing so much good work on yourself. I really admire that. And you also said you were sober too, right? In the best
Starting point is 00:47:46 steps. Yeah. I've been in recovery for a couple of months now. Congratulations for that too. I just think that it's so great in your 20s to be going through this kind of work. So you've done all the, you've done a lot of really hard work on yourself. And, and you might also know that it's, I'm not saying that you're going to be open one day. I'm just saying that you really want to honor this process right now. And maybe something I would say is I wouldn't give you a tutorial about how to practice open, but what I'd say is how much more could you guys work on your intimacy? Could you deepen that connection? And, you know, you said that he wants to
Starting point is 00:48:17 explore his sexuality. Do you know what that means and what that looks like for him? Is it just simply about another person or is it about places he wants to go sexually? Yeah, I think it's truly just the way that he's able to separate physical desire and just being physically intimate with somebody. So I think in a perfect world, he would be with me and we would be comfortable with it and we would come to a mutual agreement. He would never do anything without, you know, talking to me first. But he would be able to, you know, have sexual relationships with other people, not emotional relationships. He's not clear. But it's also hard too. You have to know that sometimes emotional relationships happen when you don't want them. Exactly. You develop and that's those are the
Starting point is 00:49:04 stronger relationships, you know, in my develop, and those are the stronger relationships. In my experience, people who are having meaningful relationships, unless he just wants to go off and like every night, like once a week, see somebody he doesn't know, you know, a couple set these boundaries. It could be like you're not, I know couples who say they're restricted from seeing someone twice. You can only see someone once. You can only, so that might be some of the stuff that you guys might want to talk about, but I don't think you're there yet. So how could you guys
Starting point is 00:49:28 deepen your intimacy right now? Is there other things sexually you want to try? Have you checked out our yes no maybe list or our pleasure planner that we have at our site? Like there's different tools we have because it's a good, like it's like it's not broken right now, right? Absolutely. And you're trying to fix something. It sounds like you might be trying to fix something that isn't even broken. You know what you sound right. Right? It seems like it's great. So if I were you, where you're coming from, it's all good. Like, how's your sex life? You said it's great. But is there anything else you want? Anything you haven't tried yet? I mean, you're 20. I'm assuming you got a whole life ahead of you if things are trying. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I'm always open
Starting point is 00:50:02 to trying new things. I mean, I will say I struggle with anxiety. So and I've always, you know, I think I've realized that I was definitely on the demisexual spectrum when I thought back on my sexual relationships. I've only been with two people. I I do get a lot of anxiety surrounding sexual intimacy in the beginning now. I'm extremely I mean we've been together for years were very comfortable, so we'll try a lot I mean literally just a year ago. I started squirting for the first time Which I know I was like had no Like no idea that I could even do that. He did not know I could do that and it was a me It was great. I mean, and now it happens like every single time. So we're definitely experimenting more, but I would say that right now, I mean, that's the other thing too is we definitely have mismatched
Starting point is 00:50:55 sex drives where I feel like I'm asking for it more than he wants it, which is also very confusing to me because he also has this side of his sexuality where I think he craves the newness and spontaneity of physical intimacy. And yet when I try and implement that into our sex life, I feel like a little bit of difficulty with him separating like outside stressors. So it's confusing to me because he wants to explore that.
Starting point is 00:51:28 And yet, you know, I feel like I'm doing everything I can. Right, right, right. So so is it confusing to you because you have the higher sex drive than he does? And you're like, why? Why? Because we were always told that men have higher sex drives. I was which isn't true. Yeah, I mean, that was one of the first things I learned when I started studying sexuality was that I thought that women are frigid and men want sex all the time
Starting point is 00:51:48 But I've heard from just as many women who have a higher sex drive than their partner In fact, I might even lately been hearing more so from women who are like what's wrong in the heterosexual relationships Why is my partner wanting sex so it has nothing to do with you is he stressed and anxious right now? Or is he going is anything? Yeah, I mean he's got a lot going on. There's some big life changes coming up. Just, you know, he's gonna move away from a job that he's been working at for a while and his job already is pretty stressful. So, and I recognize that I guess for me,
Starting point is 00:52:15 I see sex as like a stress reliever. And I just, I love that intimate, you know, emotional connection. Like I get so excited. Sometimes like I swear I even ask for it. Like I, you know, I connection. And like, I get so excited. Sometimes, like, I swear, I even ask for it. Like, I, you know, I have no shame in asking for sex when I want it. But I'll even do that just because I'm like, not that I'm necessarily super in the mood, but I know that it's super fun. And I really want to, you know, have a good time. Whereas I think he sees it way
Starting point is 00:52:41 more as he has to be in the mood, instead of maybe trying to get in good with me. Okay. Well, what if you said, you know, you actually, it sounds like you have studied this, because it is true that what keeps it hot and interesting a lot of times is the spontaneity and the novelty. Is there anything you guys could start to play with right now that's kind of outside the bedroom or surprise him with things or does he not, would he not be into that? No, I think he would definitely be into that. He's always open to trying new things. Well, I mean, maybe there's some of that too, because this is what I want for you.
Starting point is 00:53:11 I want you to continue to grow in this relationship with him as well, your sexuality and what you want. Like if you haven't downloaded our yes, no, maybe list, you know, taking it outside the bedroom and you're having sex in the living room or you plan something new or you wear something that makes you feel sexy and you just to kind of figure out how you guys can continue to grow. Because in all relationships, there's sex life is going to ebb and flow, and there'll be times you've sex more than others.
Starting point is 00:53:32 And after the pandemic, a lot of couples who are living together are like, oh my God, we need space. So we're all in a very interesting time right now, but the world is opening up and there might be more space for you guys to have fun and to explore. And I would just continue to make sure that with your mind planning to the future, when you find yourself future tripping, maybe you could bring yourself back to, okay, I know that I'm worried about the future, but what can I do right now to enhance this relationship for both of us? And then actually, I also want to say that it's not just up to you. It's also up to him. So I want to make sure that you are definitely
Starting point is 00:54:02 getting your needs met and you're paying attention to what you want because sometimes we do focus on other things so we don't have to think about our needs. That's awesome. I mean, I never thought about it that way. So I really appreciate it. Thank you, Allie. I appreciate you. I hope that's helpful. But keep me posted because we're going to be doing more of these call shows and I'd love to follow you along with your journey with him. But you're doing great work and I'm really proud of you for your sobriety and for your recovery. Thank you so much. Yeah. And for calling in and keep doing your work.
Starting point is 00:54:31 Thank you. Of course. We have Matt. He's 30. He's been ghosted twice, wants to know, how do I win her over? Hey, Matt. Hi, Emily. I have something a bit more nebulous for you today.
Starting point is 00:54:44 All right. I'm in. There's a bit of a story here. I will try to tell it nebulous for you today. All right. I'm in. There's a bit of a story here. I will try to tell it as concisely and clearly as I can. So back in May, I met a young woman on the dating apps who's a public figure. So I'm just going to refer to her as Jay. And she and I took to each other very quickly. Lots of banter, flirty, sometimes erotically charged texts, and then we exchange numbers. After we started texting with our personal numbers, things kind of lost momentum through nobody's fault, really.
Starting point is 00:55:14 And she texts me one day, I'm letting you go, I've met somebody else, and I'm kind of limiting my attentions because I'm so busy, but I didn't believe in ghosting, so I just wanted to let you know. I thought about that for a little and said, I appreciate it, I'm a little disappointed, but I understand, I'm not surprised you met someone else, but do me a favor and you're not obligated to do this, please keep my number, because I know timing and circumstance determine a whole lot when it comes to dating.
Starting point is 00:55:43 And she said she would, and I thought that was really big of her. So two or three weeks go by and she texts me out of the blue and says, hey, can I buy you a drink this Friday? And I said, sure, I'd like that a lot. And we resume texting daily and it was like nothing had stopped from the time that we stopped talking to the time that we resumed.
Starting point is 00:56:03 And then Friday rolls around and we meet at a outdoor restaurant and we talk for about three hours. But the whole time that we're together, Emily, there's a lot of chemistry. There's a lot of mirrored body language and there's a lot of tension. And at some point, it's suggested that we go back to her place, which is only five minutes away from where the restaurant is. And we do, and from the moment I walked through the door, we like couldn't keep our hands off of each other.
Starting point is 00:56:29 And not like we went straight into the act of penetrative sex. There was a lot of foreplay. There was a lot of kissing. There was a lot of touching, a lot of skin to skin. All of the things that you talk about that make up like the bulk of a satisfying and really, really fun sexual experience.
Starting point is 00:56:46 And the whole time that we're together, we're talking, like we're complimenting each other, we're saying really nice things, and we're talking about how much we're enjoying our time together. And at the end of the night, she says, I would ask you to stay, but I have things I need to do tomorrow. She like never has a day off. And she said, if you stay, I know I'm not going to get the quality of rest I need. And I said, that's fine. You don't have to justify it. And as I'm getting ready to go, as I'm dressing and as she's dressing, she turns to me and says, oh, by the way, you kind of came on a little strong earlier. And I stopped and I looked at her and I said, what do you mean? And she said, well, I think you think you know me a lot better
Starting point is 00:57:26 than you actually know me because I'm a public figure and you've read stuff about me and you don't really know me. And I said, well, I'm sorry if I gave you that impression, but I don't think that. I truly don't think that I am inside your head or know you better than you know you. And I said, there are just times when you meet people out in public or in a social context, if you're single and if you're dating, sometimes you'll just go out into the world and meet people whose love map or erotic
Starting point is 00:57:56 blueprint depending on what you prefer to call it and who you've read, match up with yours. And your brain is just like, yes, that person, go talk to that person, pursue that person. And that's how I felt around Jay. And she said she understood. And then she walked me out and kissed me goodbye and said, text me when you get home, I get home. I said, I would. And then I went in my car and sat in the driver's seat for like five minutes and thought to myself, what just happened? And then the next day she didn't text me very much. And then I, you know, tried to pull something out of her and said, you know, how did it go at work today? Didn't text me for the rest of Saturday. And then Sunday morning she said, it went fine. Sorry. I was kind of freaked out. You came on pretty strong the other day. And I said, well, I've been thinking about that. Like,
Starting point is 00:58:40 can you tell me, can you tell me a little bit more about that? And she said, she said, well, like I said, you just, you came on really strong and you barely know me. And I said, well, you're not wrong. You're right. And I think if our roles were reversed, I would feel uncomfortable or a little hesitant about somebody I just met saying so many like nice and complimentary things about me because I know in the dating world I've read too much and have too many friends who are women. To know that dating as a single woman
Starting point is 00:59:11 can be really really hard because a lot of guys put up a very nice front initially and then when they get what they want from you they rip the rug out from underneath you and they leave or they start to become distant or like aloof or whatever. And I'm not that kind of guy. I've never been that kind of guy. Right, okay. And I said, I can understand why you might think that, but I promise like my complimentary and empathetic nature comes from a good place. I just felt really connected to you and I tend to not say what's on my mind.
Starting point is 00:59:40 I'm not ignorant, but like, I trust my feelings. Yeah. The last text I sent her, Emily, I'm sorry. The last text I sent her was, what can I do to help you feel or make you feel less freaked out? And I haven't heard anything from her. And that was 10 days ago. Yeah, I think you move on. I think she's already sort of ghosted you twice. I don't think you try to figure this one
Starting point is 00:59:58 out. I think you've already spent a lot of time on this one where it's, I don't know what that means either you came on too strong. It sounds like it was consensual. She said, come don't know what that means either. You came on too strong. It sounds like it was consensual. She said, come back to my house. She canceled. She started. She texted me her address, Emily.
Starting point is 01:00:10 She, like, I have a digital record of where she live. I don't think that you need to spend more time on this than you already have. I think the sooner that you can move on from this, we're all different. We all have personality disorders, to be honest. Everyone's got their thing. Everyone does. I swear to God, it's a spectrum of personality disorders and good luck out there. We're all different. We all have personality disorders, to be honest. Everyone's got their thing. Everyone does. I swear to God, it's a spectrum of personality disorders and good luck out there.
Starting point is 01:00:28 We're all going through it. Maybe it's getting worse and weirder now since the pandemic and people don't know how to be socially appropriate or how to communicate anymore. I think that we all have a lot of fear around it, but I actually think like, I don't want to try to figure out for you. She's already canceled twice.
Starting point is 01:00:43 She's been weird. Like you seem like such a nice guy. I know we've talked before and it's just like, I don't want to try to figure out for you. She's already canceled twice. She's been weird. Like you seem like such a nice guy. I know we've talked before and it's just like, there's nothing to figure out here. Like you could kind of beat your head against the wall. You're not going to hear back for if you do, I would, I wouldn't meet up with her again because you're going to have more of this. When people show you who they are, believe them. She just showed you in two dates.
Starting point is 01:01:02 I, it doesn't sound like you came on too strong or anything, but I wasn't there, this is your perspective, but I doubt that's what it was. You had a lovely evening, maybe she's got some intimacy challenges right now. I think you can't read into it too much and the sooner we move on, the better. The sooner you get back on the app,
Starting point is 01:01:17 swiping you'll be better. I try not to, Emily, but honestly, it's hard as an empath and as a highly sensitive person for me to not fall into thought patterns of like almost rumination because it's like I want to find out that thing. I want to know what happened. What do you inside it? You'll never know though. The thing is you'll never know it'll be from her perspective. It's not going to be what you think it is. And she kept repeating her saying like, oh you came on too strong. It's like, what is that? It doesn't sound like you did. It doesn't sound like she really knows what she wants.
Starting point is 01:01:50 And in that moment, it was a fun night for her. And she doesn't really need a relationship right now. And it's not about anything you did or anything you said. And usually, like, let's say even if it was, it wouldn't even be the things that you're going to ruminate about. Usually it's something right out of left field that you didn't even think about. Like maybe you're a reminder or something. Maybe she got back together with someone.
Starting point is 01:02:08 I don't know what that means, but maybe if you're open up in casual sex and she circles back, maybe she's just a sex partner, but I think trying to understand what this all means is gonna, you're gonna drive yourself insane. I'd rather have you obsessed about someone new than trying to figure out someone who's ghosted you twice. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think that'd be a far better use of my time and energy.
Starting point is 01:02:27 Yes, Matt. Get this brain, this very smart, big brain you have of yourself to focus on something that's actually going to, could develop into a relationship. Thank you, Emily. You're very kind. You are too, Matt. We'll be doing this more, so please stay in touch. Absolutely, Emily. It's my pleasure. And once again, as the child of a sex educator, it means the world to me that you do what you do and that you are making the conversation around sex and sexuality so much more palatable for so many different people. Thank you, Matt.
Starting point is 01:02:55 Thank you, Emily. Take care. You too. Bye. Bye. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to podcasts, and
Starting point is 01:03:08 share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this episode, they will too. We release two to three episodes a week. Find me at Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all at Sex with Emily. If you'd like to ask me a question about sex or dating relationships, email me. Feedback at or slash askemily.
Starting point is 01:03:32 And check out my website. We have so many great articles that I'd be deep into topics like, how do I have multiple orgasms? How do I last longer in bed? How do I stop thinking about my ex? What sex toys should I try? And so much more.
Starting point is 01:03:46 Sign up for weekly emails. I've been told I give really good emails. I do. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.