Sex With Emily - Hotline Calls: I Can’t Trust My Partner

Episode Date: January 19, 2024

To feel turned on, we first have to feel safe. So today, I’m taking some of my favorite Hotline calls on trust and how to repair it. What happens if your spouse cheated on you, and now sex feels sor...ta gross? What if you tell a new partner you love them, and they don’t reciprocate? Or how about being “too picky” of a dater - is it really because they’re all duds, or are there some underlying trust issues there? The bottom line is this: when we feel free, we feel sexy. And on today’s Best Of episode, I’m helping you radically reclaim your erotic freedom. In today’s episode, you’ll learn: How to move forward after infidelity, whether you were the cheater or the cheated on Tips for feeling comfortable with new partners What to do when it feels like the “spark” is gone See the full show notes at Show Notes: 10 Common Kinks & Fetishes (& What They Mean) (use this link to automatically save 15% at checkout) Podcast: Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex w/ Ian Kerner SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular.

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Starting point is 00:00:33 because you're listening to the show. Send your cover letter and resume to jobs at We'd love to have you join our growing team and we have a good time over here. Thank you. And less afraid, maybe, and less fearful when you have the confidence in your own body, in your own ability to have orgasms and have pleasure and just give it to yourself. That is an important step because I promise you it's not like someone's going to show up and they just know Because they do and I always think someday my principal come and so will I and he never came and I never came
Starting point is 00:01:22 You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation Around sex in order to feel turned on, we have to feel safe. So on today's hotline show, I take some of my favorite calls on trust and how to repair it. What happens if your spouse cheated on you to the point where sex feels sort of gross now? Or what if you tell a new partner that you love them and they don't reciprocate? Or how about this being too picky of a date? Is it really because they're all duds? Or are there some
Starting point is 00:01:45 underlying trust issues there? The bottom line is this, when we feel free, we feel sexy, and on today's best of episode we're helping you radically reclaim your erratic freedom. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. We read all of your reviews, they really help get the show out more people. And today, this is from Mickey Mac. You wrote, I love it! Five stars. Dr. Emily teaches me to prioritize my pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Thank you, Dr. Emily.
Starting point is 00:02:15 Well, thank you, Mickey Mac. We appreciate you. My new article, Common Kingston Fetishes, is up on Alright, everyone, enjoy this episode. [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Confidence is so important in so many aspects of our lives, but it's particularly important in our sex lives. Well, that's why when I heard about Bathmaid's New Year's sale, I had to share it with you all.
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Starting point is 00:03:29 just three minutes, three to five times per week. So really, what are you waiting for? Start your journey to a more confident new with BATHMATE. Visit to take advantage of their new yourself. That's B-A-T-H-M-A-T-E slash sex with Emily because confidence is key. Okay, this is from Alberto, 27 in Los Angeles. Hey, Dr. Emily, long time listener, first time reaching out personally. My girlfriend. I have been together for six and a half years I cheated on her three years back told her but we decided to stay together
Starting point is 00:04:10 Lately there's been times where her resentment and pain service and she gets vocal about it She says she's trying to move past it But doesn't see yourself being able to forgive me in the long run She's trying to find ways to heal from it on her own to the point where she's even suggested an open relationship The idea of it has crossed my mind, but I don't feel like it's the right step to heal from it at her own, to the point where she's even suggested an open relationship. The idea of it has crossed my mind, but I don't feel like it's the right step to heal. She says she wants to try an open relationship and see if it'll help her get past it, but I feel like we'd drift apart and break up. Any advice on my situation would be appreciated.
Starting point is 00:04:36 Thank you for everything. Alright, Alberto, so you've been together six and a half years since you were 21 years old. That's a long time to be with somebody in your 20s. And it sounds like right now, a therapist would be really helpful for you both to understand the cheating or understand where the trust was broken. When the trust is broken in a relationship, whether through infidelity or if someone's lying about money or anything else, it's not something that time heals or saying I'm sorry 100 times is going to heal.
Starting point is 00:05:08 Something literally gets broken inside of us too. And we just think I can't trust this person. What's coming next? We start to look at our lives and our relationship in a different light. I really know that if you guys go to therapist together and really get clear on it, they'll help you find the language dig even deeper into the cheating. Like why it happened and how it made her feel. And you have to be brutally honest with each other.
Starting point is 00:05:31 And so I think this is the only way you're gonna be able to know if you can move forward together or not. I don't know why she's suggesting an open relationship. I would never recommend an open relationship for couples who are trying to heal a relationship. I recommend open relationships for couples who are in really solid a relationship. I recommend open relationships for couples who are in really solid ground. Their sex life is incredible. They practice radical honesty
Starting point is 00:05:51 and then they decide because they both genuinely want to experience other people and want their partners to also feel pleasure to open it up. But in your case, this is not the time, it's not the place to do it. Six and a half years together is a long time. You might as well figure out the time, not the place to do it. Six and a half years together is a long time. You might as well figure out if you guys have what it takes to go even further if that's what you're looking for. If you're looking to get married and have kids, I'd love you to find that out sooner than later. And I think it's important for you guys to do that now. All right. Thanks, Elberto, for your question. Okay, this is from Nicole, 40, and Ohio. Hey, Dr. Emily, I love the show, and I need some guidance. I'm 40 divorced and begin dating again about a year ago.
Starting point is 00:06:32 I've been with my current boyfriend, also in his 40s and divorce about five months, and recently decided to tell him I was in love with him. His response was kind, but clear, he did not share those feelings. He wasn't scared off and continues to want to see me and build our relationship. I appreciate his honesty and understand that people can develop feelings on different timelines, but here's the struggle.
Starting point is 00:06:54 Now that I know he doesn't love me, yet, I'm not enjoying sex, which was previously great. It now feels exceptionally vulnerable. I enjoy casual sex, but the best sex for me, i.e. when I'm able to orgasm, is with partners that I share a real heart connection. How do I navigate the space between desiring authentically intimate sex and knowing my partner isn't on the same emotional page, even though he cares for me? Thank you. All right, Nicole, thank you for your very clear and articulate question. And in reading this I feel for you because that would be
Starting point is 00:07:27 really confusing to get this message from a partner. You know we put our heart out there. We say I love you. And I actually like that he had the honesty to be clear with you about where he's at. And he could say I'm not there. He doesn't love you. You put yet in question mark. He doesn't love you yet. So what I'm wondering is, after that conversation, were you able to talk more about your relationship, maybe about how it is going, what's going right, things you might want to work on? Do you have the sense that you're both going in the same direction
Starting point is 00:08:05 towards a long-term relationship? Are you committed right now in this relationship? Have you talked to them to find out if you share the same values, if you want the same things in a partner? What I'm thinking is having deeper conversations with him that are more expansive about what you are both looking for in a relationship might help you feel safe. Because what I'm hearing from you is that you don't feel that safe and I understand that. Now that you're not sure, you thought it was like, hey I love him, he's gonna love me. Finding other ways you can feel safe in this relationship and letting him know how you feel. Because honestly, there's nothing like getting to know somebody by sharing your deepest vulnerability and letting him know how you feel. Because honestly, there's nothing like getting to know somebody by sharing your deepest
Starting point is 00:08:47 vulnerability and letting him know that you understand you don't want to feel bad at all. But you need to speak your truth. And that is when you told him that you loved him, you respect his honesty. It's really hard for you to feel as close to him. Now it's a word love that tripped you up. He didn't share the word love with you. And prior to that, you were having orgasms with him and you were feeling great. So in a way, it's your interpretation here of what that meant, him not meeting you where
Starting point is 00:09:24 you were at. So saying to him, it's made me feel less safe and I just have to be honest with you. I'm not really sure what to do. And then you can let him talk. He might need some more reassuring. He might say, well, I'm always there or love is really hard for me or I never say love you. My parents are for so I love you to me. I mean, you might get some more information here that would make you understand where he's coming from and maybe where he's going in the future. Okay, so just remember, honest conversations, Nicole, you got this.
Starting point is 00:09:51 Thanks for your email. We have Jordan, 41 in Vegas. Hey, Jordan, how can I help you? I've been with my fiance for almost two and a half years now. You know, the first year, you know, kind of, I guess, the honeymoon phase, you would say, everything was going great. Obviously, awesome enough to where I would propose and everything.
Starting point is 00:10:13 And then I feel like things faded a little bit. We lived in different states for a little while, and then we moved into the same city. And she ended up moving in with me and things just, I would say dull out at first. But I have dealt with some about depression throughout most of my life, just things with my childhood growing up and everything like that and things I've been going to therapy for and stuff. Sometimes I feel like that takes effect on me and it has affected her in the past, but over time it's dulled out into our sexual relationship to where there's really not much there, like
Starting point is 00:10:46 no spark there anymore. And she kind of doesn't initiate anymore. She doesn't reciprocate in really almost any way now at this point to where we've talked about it. I've asked what can I do. I even brought up one of the things I heard on your podcast about. I'll pick a night for me and then the next night for you and work on things that you want to do and what makes you happy and stuff like that and then do a night for
Starting point is 00:11:09 myself. And she costs that, like, okay, but you know, nothing's too exciting. And then we talked about it to where she says she feels pressured by it. I feel like she doesn't really want me to do anything right now. And not really sure what to do. Is she going through anything right now and not really sure what to do. Is she going through anything right now? She's a student actually getting her PhDs so she's constantly in school and constantly busy and stressing a lot.
Starting point is 00:11:33 She does go through stuff and she's gone through stuff in the past but at the current moment I didn't feel like she was. How old is she? She's 30. She's 30. Okay. Is she on any medication? Do you know? No, no, not not even the birth control pill or No, she actually had a really bad case at the endometriosis where she had to get multiple surgeries for it
Starting point is 00:11:55 And that I know that played into but this is before we got together But that played into a past relationship where she had some two was just a bad relationship I don't even it was probably toxic But I think she has some issues going into this relationship with the mindset, like I might act like the last person did. Okay. So some fear around that just kind of has a guard, has a wall up a little bit. And you've been together, you said, how long? Two years?
Starting point is 00:12:19 About two and a half years now. Two and a half years and you live together. How was the sex at the beginning? It was great. Okay. It was exciting. How was the sex at the beginning? Is it really great? Okay. There was. It was exciting. It was like spontaneous. I mean, there was times when we just randomly do it
Starting point is 00:12:30 in other areas. You know what I mean? It was just, it was there. Yeah. It's not honeymoon phase. I mean, that's how it is. I mean, that's what I'm asking because sometimes people like, well, it was never that great in the beginning and then we have a problem.
Starting point is 00:12:40 But it was great at the beginning. That's good news. And so you're saying that when you talk to about it, like she just does as I'm not interested. Leave me alone. You're pressuring me. Is does she ever offer anything to the conversation? Yeah She doesn't I mean the conversation starts I feel like at first she sounds like she's interested like she wants to hear it And she wants to know what to do But when it comes down to like I try to talk to her about it in a setting that's not the bedroom, like you've mentioned before, but when it comes down to time to maybe try and initiate, I will, and then I can just tell it's just, it's not there, like it's not
Starting point is 00:13:13 whatever I'm doing, it's not working. We did a great podcast with Ian Kerner. He's a sex therapist and we talked about his book, so tell me about the last time you had sex. And when he talks about this concept of sex scripts, every couple has their script. And it's always like, you know, I talk about a rousal and desire.
Starting point is 00:13:29 And knowing what actually does turn to her on, when is she most in the mood? Maybe it's not when she's studying, but maybe it's Saturday mornings. Maybe it's early in the morning, you get up later, so you guys got to compromise and figure out when. You know, it's not okay for her to say
Starting point is 00:13:44 I'm never interested, but it's also part of our responsibilities as humans and being in a relationship with somebody is to be sexual. It's a, in a way that feels good, we don't like, oh, it's our partner. I don't believe like, I'm just gonna close my eyes and take it for the team. I don't mean that, but I mean, like, we should all find out
Starting point is 00:14:01 what feels good to us and when we are in the mood and and how to enhance our libido and enhance our ability to connect and be sexual So what I want to hear from her is when does she want sex? What does turn around? Maybe she needs a bath. Maybe she needs to masturbate. Maybe she needs to be alone for a while and then come home to it Maybe she needs compliments. Maybe she needs you to clean the house more. I mean, I don't know what these things are. Sometimes it's we have resentments. And we can't talk about it to our partners so that the resentment's getting away.
Starting point is 00:14:30 There's a lot of different reasons why people have a low libido or people's sex drive change. But I can tell you, what you're describing though is the honeymoon phase. That's last anywhere from six months to two years. It's biological and every relationship. So that is going to change. But right now, where
Starting point is 00:14:45 are you at now? And where else can you guys break down some barriers here and get some more honest answers for each from each other about what's really going on? I don't think that she's lying. I think she probably doesn't know. So, Anna sounds like she's not telling you, but she might not know. Okay. I think that makes sense. I mean, I do. And I think the hard part for me is just coming out and asking certain questions. You know, I feel like sometimes if I'm going to ask that question, she's just going to take it like pressure. So I'm always afraid to ask the tough questions like that.
Starting point is 00:15:14 It's about your tone. So you know outside the bedroom, but it's also being curious and being light and asking questions and saying, so tell me more about that. So I just want to know, I don't want you to feel pressured. I've noticed that when I bring up sex, you feel pressured and that's the last thing I want. I do not want you to feel pressured. You know, it's really important to me. I want you to know that I understand and I want to hear it. I want to work with you.
Starting point is 00:15:33 It's just, you know, being sexual is an important part of our relationship. But I just want to make sure that I'm not pushing you. So let's find out when it does feel good. You, I'm curious. Do you have fantasies? What's your, what turned you on? What are the three most memorable times you've ever had sex and let's like write those
Starting point is 00:15:46 down and share lists? Do you guys ever talk about that? Like turn on's or fantasies? We have. Yeah, we've, especially like during that honeymoon phase, we have a lot of fun conversations about that. And I think that's great. I think that's definitely something I need to continue.
Starting point is 00:16:02 Okay. Also, we have this yes, no, maybe list. The people love our yes, no, maybe list. That might be, you might be like a little, a few conversations away from that. She's not even feeling like in the mood, but that's a really fun thing to do. It just has 80 sex acts and you decide,
Starting point is 00:16:14 is it yes, is it a no, is it a maybe like dirty talk or spanking? Because the more we talk about sex, the more comfortable it becomes. As long as she'll get that you, you're not trying to judge her, you're not trying to judge her, you're not trying to force her into it, you could even say, I'm okay, we don't have sex for a while, if you got to figure this out, I just want to make sure that we are compatible and that you
Starting point is 00:16:33 have a growth mindset around sex like I do. Like, we want to make sure that she's willing to like look at her sex life and what is important to her. Yeah. I mean, you're not married yet. So I want to say like make sure she's like, no, I want to know too why I'm not in the mood or who knows. But ask her and just reinforce that you're there because you care. I appreciate that. I do. I think that's actually pretty helpful to hear because it's hard to just run just wondering, you know, like, is this, do I keep asking?
Starting point is 00:17:04 Because I don't want to, you know, I don't want to put her out of the mood. Like, it's the last thing I want to do, too. What I've realized is that typically when we bring up a sex conversation to our partner, or to anybody, immediately they're going to go into fight or flight, meaning it's scary. Because most people have never talked about sex.
Starting point is 00:17:20 I'm telling you, most people have not. And maybe she's never had a partner even brought it up. So she automatically feels fear. Like, she's in the fight, I got a fight, I'm telling you, most people have not. And maybe she's never had a partner, even brought it up. So she automatically feels fear. Like she's in the fight, I got a fight, I got a run, I got it, what do I do? Like that's so scary. So usually we do say like, you're pressuring me. I don't want that.
Starting point is 00:17:34 You were sex feeding, so we will get very antagonistic and defensive. So that's when you have to practice your most like, calm, like, I hear you, babe, I know, if this is too much for right now, I got it. I just want you to know it's important. And this is the conversation I want to continue to have. I love you, I hear you babe, I know if this is too much for right now I got it. I just want you to know it's important and this is the conversation I want to continue to have. I love you, I support you, but just keep having it. You'll be able to tell I think if she's like, really, it's like, okay, okay, I get what you mean. A lot of couples listen to the show together
Starting point is 00:17:56 and it really helps them. So, I just keep, you're not doing anything wrong, just remember that she's coming at it from, you know, God knows where, but eventually she hopefully she'll open up and share with you. Maybe there is something that she's like, well,, you know, God knows where. But eventually, she hopefully she'll open up and share with you. Maybe there is something that she's like, well, I'm afraid it's how you that blah, blah, blah, or I still do have pain or there's so many things that could be going on. But I think if you open to listen and to receive, she should share this with you. Yeah. Well, thank you so much.
Starting point is 00:18:17 I really appreciate it. So welcome. Yeah. Thanks for calling Jordan. Let me know how it goes. Yeah, we'll do. Thank you. Okay.
Starting point is 00:18:23 By Jordan. Thanks. Bye. Most conversations about sex could be uncomfortable first. They might be hard. Your partner might get upset. But you know what the alternative is? The alternative is never talking about sex,
Starting point is 00:18:36 not getting your needs met and suffering through a potentially pleasureless life, pleasureless, less pleasure. A life that is less pleasurable, and it sucks not getting your needs met. It sucks not having sex when you want it. So it's like, we all get to have our needs met. We just have to be able to talk about it.
Starting point is 00:18:56 So remember, communication is a lubrication, continue to talk about it, and keep listening to the show. And thanks for your questions, everyone. Trust me. I'll be right back after a quick break for our sponsors. But first, I got to tell you about one of my longtime partners, Promessant. Promessant makes the one and only delay spray. And I recommend it to anyone who's looking to delay their orgasms. Here's a deal with Promessant. It helps penis owners last up to 64% longer in bed. That's a long time.
Starting point is 00:19:27 It's long lasting. It doesn't transfer to your partner. You just apply it to your penis like 15 minutes before any sexual activity. And it really is perfect and made for anyone who struggles with premature ejaculation. Or maybe you just want to practice edging or have longer sessions.
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Starting point is 00:20:13 for 15% off. Alright everyone, we'll be right back. Have you been looking to add a little magic to your masturbation game? Allow me to introduce you to Magic Wand, the original Wand Massager that's been delivering incredible orgasms Trust May since 1968. The Magic Wand wasn't named one of the most influential gadgets of the century for nothing. Whether you're a Magic Wand newbie or a long time fan, there's a perfect model for you. From the Magic Wand original to the rechargeable,
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Starting point is 00:21:03 It's perfect for other go or discrete pleasure without sacrificing any of the power. You can find all the Magic Wand models on my shop site right now. So get there, check out slash magic wand right now. That slash magic wand to experience the magic for yourself. This is from Rain 33 in Canada. Hey Dr. Emily, I've been married for 8 years to my husband. We have 2 kids. Over the years, he's been unfaithful to me more times than they even know about.
Starting point is 00:21:37 And for the past couple of years, I have absolutely zero interest in sex. Even to the point where I think in my head, sex is weird. Why do we even have sex? Or sex is weird. Why do we believe it have sex? Or kissing is gross. Why do you will stick their mouth together like that? It's so weird. What is wrong with me in all caps? I can only assume that I'm ruined from the infidelity. I don't even know what to think. And these suggestions are appreciated. Okay, Rain. Wow. This is a lot. I understand you have been married for eight years. And you've kids, he's cheated on you so much.
Starting point is 00:22:09 I you don't even know what's real anymore. Now you don't like sex, you don't want sex, which makes perfect sense. The cheating it could still be happening. And you have two small kids at home. And sex is not weird because you don't trust them. To me, there's nothing wrong with you. That sounds like a perfectly consistent reaction given that your partner has broken
Starting point is 00:22:33 the trust in your relationship. That you can no longer trust him because of his infidelity. I have to tell you that the only way couples heal from infidelity and broken trust is by seeing a therapist. Often, like once a week for several months, you go see a therapist, you work on your relationship, you talk about the cheating, you talk about what you need to hear and how you guys can rebuild the trust. Essentially, that's it. You have to rebuild what's broken.
Starting point is 00:23:07 I'm assuming that's why you're having that reaction to sex and maybe this is your body's way of telling you. I need to get some help. Your body's way of saying rain, it's time. I'm not gonna keep having sex just to please my partner. It's a hell no from your body. So we got to figure out what the cheating's happening. Is it continuing to happen? In the past were you enjoying sex? Were you having more pleasure? Did it not gross you out? What was your upbringing like when it
Starting point is 00:23:36 came to sex? Did you have sex positive messages in the home? Did you not? So I think there's a lot of unpacking to do here about your own sexuality as well as your husbands. If you find somebody that you can talk to, you'll both be able to get a lot closer to communicating better, understanding each other's needs more, and really getting closer sexually as well. Because right now you have resentments and you probably have some fear. And none of this is going to be cleared up by you trying to have sex or waiting until you feel better or constantly checking to see if he's still cheating like all of that is prepared, which I'm assuming is going to happen if you think he's still happening. So you deserve this
Starting point is 00:24:21 for the health of your marriage and the health of your family. You've two kids at home. Remember kids like sponges, they know what's going on in the home. And if it's a home without love and without real connection or with tension, conflict, the kids also can feel that. So for all of you, it's really important for you to take these words seriously, find a therapist, and you'll realize that you're able to get into all of those dark places that maybe you didn't think you could talk about, all the things that you couldn't say, but the time is now to do it. There's nothing wrong with you. You just need to go a little bit deeper and do some more care, some serious work with your husband. Thank you, Rain. Next up is Rachel, 23 in Texas. Hi, Rachel, tell me everything.
Starting point is 00:25:10 Hi, basically, I'm just a very picky data and I'm not really sure why I've gone on countless dates. And I don't really have problems making connections with people, but I often don't feel that chemistry. And basically, everyone around me is, like, it's good to be so picky, but it just doesn't feel like it's that good of a situation. I definitely agreed with you where I felt like dating was a numbers game, but at this point, I'm not really sure what's going on. Okay, well, it's a lot of things. A numbers game is part of it.
Starting point is 00:25:39 You know, getting yourself out there, the more people you meet, the more likely you're going to meet your person. But there's also feeling, the chemistry thing. So tell me, have you in the past Rachel felt chemistry before with people? Yeah, I definitely have. Okay. So when was the last time you felt chemistry with someone?
Starting point is 00:25:57 Probably like six months ago, which didn't really go anywhere. All right. So what's happening now is that you've gone on how many dates and you don't feel it like a bunch. Okay. Okay. Where are you meeting them? All sorts of ways to the apps, to your friends, to just people I meet at parties. Okay. Do you feel ever like turn, does anything ever turn you on in the middle of the day? Do you masturbate? Do you have a healthy like sexual practice? Do you feel, do you ever feel sexual urges? It almost feels like that energy is like dormant in me right now and I'm not really sure why.
Starting point is 00:26:30 Well, that's why I'm asking because a lot of times it just, it doesn't matter if the most perfect man walks in the room if you're not feeling like you're open to that right now. So what's your thoughts on why it might be dormant now? Maybe just because I'm so busy and just focused on what's going on in my life
Starting point is 00:26:47 Maybe Maybe I'm just worried about getting stuck to the wrong person or something going wrong. I'm not sure Okay, well, has there ever been anything that's happened before like anything with a man or sexually? If you want to talk about it typically I found that things move too quickly for me, even though I try to set boundaries. And so I try to be very careful, but that's still sometimes doesn't really work out that way. Yeah, it's a practice for sure setting boundaries. It doesn't always work out that you feel that people are paying attention to your boundaries. That's really hard. I understand that. If you had that happen before, you might be in a new pattern right now, not trusting people, or being a little like shut down,
Starting point is 00:27:30 and maybe afraid of being hurt or abused in a relationship. So sometimes we do that too, so we will don't get that close to us, and we don't allow ourselves to open up. I know I've done that for other things too. Like my dad died when I was young. So I know that I have like daddy issues for many years. I'm like, oh, I don't want to get close because they're going to leave me, right? So that was my story. And we all, we all have versions of that.
Starting point is 00:27:52 So I'm wondering for you, is there anything about being safe with a man that makes you feel like I can't really trust that? Yeah, the last kind of fling that I had. I did feel pretty safe with this person. And then once again, like, you cross that boundary. And so I think that is made me question, like, maybe judgment of character,
Starting point is 00:28:14 or just men in general. Do you mean like he pushed sex further than you wanted it to go? Yeah. Okay. And how old did you know him? Not super well. We had gone on probably like five or six dates.
Starting point is 00:28:28 Well, yeah, after even after I get it, after five or six dates, you feel like, okay, I kind of know this person. I'm really sorry that happened. It sounds like is that the one time that it happened? Yeah, it's happened before, I think, where it just kind of happens sooner than I wanted. And I didn't really know how to like stop that from happening. Have you had experiences with guys where it's just kind of happens sooner than I wanted and I didn't really know how to like stop that from happening. Have you had experiences with guys where it felt good? Do you remember what you felt like what the traits were of those partners? Yeah, I wasn't one relationship high school into college. He was Mormon, so I think I felt safe in that sense because like I know sex was never really on the table,
Starting point is 00:29:02 but that's like the only relationship that I've had. And so everything after that has been like a few months or less. Have you ever really thought about what you actually were looking for in a partner now? Have you really written it out, like how you want to feel with somebody? It's a good exercise. Yeah, yeah, I definitely buy about it a lot. I think just like somebody that's kind and open
Starting point is 00:29:25 and wants to have fun with life. Okay. So I have a question. You know what you say in these first dates? You're like, you know right away. Is there ever a chance where you could go on a second date? Cause I find that I usually go on a second date unless it's like horrible, something awful.
Starting point is 00:29:42 I'm like, yeah, because then maybe I'm a little more relaxed. Give them a chance. When you at the surprise, or you just like, do you walk in and you're like, nope. Sometimes, but I've also really tried to push myself in that sense. And there was one instance where I went on like three or four dates with this guy because I really liked him as a person. And I knew he was very kind. And so I really, really tried to make that work, but it just wasn't there. And so maybe because of that, I've reverted back to trusting, like my gut with things after the first one. Are you going out and doing other things right now? Like do you go to parties or do you
Starting point is 00:30:16 friends? Do you go? Yeah. Do you have to approach people and just start talking to people? I do. I think I'm very confident in most areas in my life, except for dating and sex, that's the one area where I kind of like I contact them just nervous to start conversations. But that's to think something I'm working on. I'm trying to like approach more people and be like, OK, I feel like the more you get out there and just practice talking to people as friends, no matter what their gender, and just stricken up a conversation.
Starting point is 00:30:45 That's how you're likely gonna find, you could find someone is also just talking, even if it's not about anything, just something that you're interested in. You said you're good a lot of things, talking about your interests, and maybe you'll find that once you start having conversation with someone, the fear goes away,
Starting point is 00:30:59 and you'll just be able to talk to anybody, but that really is a practice of asking questions, being a good listener. I would also say yes to a lot of, if there's a lot of invites coming in, or rotations to things, saying yes to things that you wouldn't normally say yes to. What are you like doing?
Starting point is 00:31:13 Like, could you invite someone to go to an art show or go to a movie or go on a hike or just do something that you like doing or taking classes and things that you like doing? So that's where you're more likely to meet. Right, I feel like I go out and do a lot of things like I like to rock climb and I do like to hike and yeah, I don't know, I just, it's been tough.
Starting point is 00:31:32 It's, I can say is it, it just, it feels like it's something that you could practice. Like now that you know what it is, it sounds like you said, I'm good at everything but sex and dating. How do you become better at sex and dating? First, you're doing the right thing by calling into the show, listening to the podcast. I wanna get back to you in your own sexuality,
Starting point is 00:31:48 though, like, do you masturbate? Have you had orgasms? Have you had pleasure? Have you felt it in your body? I've never had an orgasm. Okay. I do masturbate occasionally, but it doesn't feel like it really goes anywhere.
Starting point is 00:32:00 Like, it's almost like, I reach a climax of sorts, but it feels like a lot less. And then I just come to the interest. So like, it's never really built to the point. Okay. So like reach orgasm. That's part of it. I mean, there's a lot going on here. I think that's part of it's like in your head. Like, I gotta be saying the right things when I meet somebody. But I'm thinking now when you're screaming your self-love practice, that could be an area where you just start to explore. Maybe you get a toy, you could read a rhodica, you just to get your mind and bored for sex. Once you start to feel more sexual and in your body,
Starting point is 00:32:36 having orgasms, just feeling the energy move, you might find that you feel more sexual and you might feel more in touch with yourself, your own like female sexiness. Unless afraid, maybe unless fearful, when you have the confidence in your own body and your own ability to have orgasms and have pleasure and just give it to yourself, that is an important step because I promise you it's not like someone's going to show up and they just know because they don't. And I always think someday my principal come and so will I and he never came and I never
Starting point is 00:33:12 came. I had to come on my own. You know, so I feel like there's nothing wrong with you. You're 23 years old and you're starting to learn right now. Looking at where you are shameful around sex still and if there is some trauma that you've experienced, it sounds like it's minimized sex still. And if there is some trauma that you've experienced, it sounds like it's minimized maybe in your brain, and maybe it wasn't that big of a deal.
Starting point is 00:33:29 But if it was, those things just get bigger over time. So we really have to go see a therapist. It's really important to talk through these things. But I don't think that there's anything wrong with you. I just think, yeah, you seem really great and thoughtful and smart and it's okay that it takes time. I hope that's helpful. Thanks Emily.
Starting point is 00:33:48 Yes, we're so welcome. Thank you so much. Thank you Rachel. You got this. I appreciate you. Alright guys, I know that dating is stressful. It can be. It's really hard-tounding to find somebody.
Starting point is 00:34:00 There's a lot of people out there now on the apps and there's a lot of single people in the world But if we also feel like we are not ready to date or We still have a lot of fear around sex or a fear around commitment That's something that we have to work on but also as you are looking for a partner remember to be the person you want to find but also Am I showing up as my best to date self? I don't know this whole comment your best self it changes all the time like you don't believe you're going to be getting better better But also, am I showing up as my best to date self?
Starting point is 00:34:25 I don't know, this whole comment your best self, it changes all the time. Like, you go, hopefully you're always getting you better or better, but like my best self to date. This is my best self right now. So just do in your own work, paying attention, it's great to journal this practice and just be present and communicate.
Starting point is 00:34:40 And you're gonna find your person. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where every list of the podcasts and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at And while you're there,
Starting point is 00:35:12 check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739. A go to slash Ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me.
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