Sex With Emily - Hotline Calls: I Fantasize About My Partner with Other People

Episode Date: December 22, 2023

Is it okay to get turned on thinking about my partner with someone else? How can we maintain intimacy amid financial stress? Is it possible to be a feminist and also want to be submissive in the bedroom? Should I be honest with my partner that I’ve never had penetrative sex before? You all ask the best questions, and I’m here to answer them in today’s juicy Hotline Call episode.In this episode, you’ll learn:How to create new fantasies, when you always have the same oneHow to watch porn creatively with a partnerHow to prioritize pleasure, even during your busiest weeksSee the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.Show Notes:2023 Holiday Gift Guide: My Top Picks for the Hottest Holidays Ever2023 Shop With Emily Gift GuideLast-Minute Amazon Prime Panic Gifts For Lovers & FriendsBathmate (code EMILY10 for 10% off sitewide)Opening Up: Amazon | Barnes & NobleThe Ethical Slut: Amazon | Barnes & NobleOpen Deeply: Amazon | Barnes & NobleInsight TimerBreathe AppWhere Should We Begin? Card GameSHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69)The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureWant more? Sex With Emily: Home | Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You know, we often say that if you've been going through a sort of a stale place in your relationship, go out and see them in a party, watch them in the walk across the room, watch them do their job, get up and give a speech, or run a meeting because it's so hot to see your partner in their power. And so to see them having a lot of pleasure with somebody else could also be a great turn. I'm like, look how hot my partner is. Do one there a thing, whether it's having sex with someone else or leading meeting in the

board room. It can all be hot. You're listening to Sex with the Ebily. I'm Dr. Amley and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. You all leave the best most thoughtful questions and I love answering them. In today's mashup hotline call episode, I'm answering your questions like, is it okay to get turned on thinking about my partner with someone else?

How can we maintain intimacy amid financial stress? Is it okay to be a feminist and also like to be submissive in the bedroom? And so much more in today's episode will be covered a lot. Plus, get excited for next year because we are bringing back live calls because I've so missed talking with you all, so please keep leaving me your voice mails and emails and I may just reach out to speak with you live. Please rate your views sex with Emily wherever you listen to this show. My new article last minute Amazon Prime Panic Gifts for lovers and friends is up on sexwithemily.com. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. Our programs and courses are deeply rooted in ethical perspective, but we don't just teach.

We create codes of conduct and impact key policy issues with global governments and regulators. To join a global network of investment professionals, visit cfainstitute.org slash set the standard today. Hey, my name is Rachel. I am 31 years old from North Carolina. I just had a question. So I have been with my husband for six years now. I'm a best sexual woman and he is aware. Recently we've been having conversations about me sleeping with other women. I haven't slept with a woman since we've been together. But last year I met a guy and I just felt very attracted to him.

And since we have been together, I have never felt like this before. I felt crazy. I was just like, oh my God, I really want a placeless person. This is a normal and they're like this. Like I'm crazy, you know, just like, oh my God, I really want a place of this person, like this is a normal and they're felt like this, like a Mary, the law. And I told this to my husband and I feel like I would really like the idea of having an open relationship, but we talked about it a couple times, but he just thinks marriage is just supposed to be a man, woman, together forever.

And I don't really know if that's realistic thinking about it. I mean, I guess for some people, but I don't know. I just have a lot of feelings about this, and I feel like every time I try to talk to him, I think something's especially, and I'm not to that's why for months, I haven't even really brought it up. I don't know, I just wanted to know some ways or resources on how I can approach this topic without coming across

this to she. It is something that I would like to explore and not just with women, but with men as well. Thanks, Mike. Thank you so much for your question. I think this is really going to be so relatable and so helpful for others. I can't tell you how many people I'm hearing from lately. You remember I've had almost two decades of doing this work here with Sex of Emily. I realize in recent years I'm hearing a lot more from couples who are talking about being more open in their relationship, being a little more flexible. Both partners talking about opening up or wanting to be bisexual. So I think it's really great that you are

recognizing this and advocating for what you desire. So you said you have in some of the women since you're down to your bisexual, but you met a guy and you're attracted to the guy And so now you've talked to your husband about opening it up and He's just like, you know gosh no, and I'm telling you that side note I would say the majority are many open relationships that I know about that are successful because those are the ones I want to tell you about Started with one person being into it and one person being like a hell no. There are zero ways that I am going to be in a relationship

with my partner I love, sleeping with anyone else. I don't care what their body parts, that is a no. I did not sign up for this and I'm out. But I've also found though, it was after a little more time and communication and thinking about it, what it actually looks like, that for the couples where being open is a fit, they can make this work. Because really it's about strong communication, like super healthy communication. In fact, it's over communication.

And the couples that I've found that are a non-monogamous relationship, open relationship, swinging, they practice this rigorous honesty and exhaustive communication that allows them to navigate jealousy, boundaries, desires, just feelings and rules and all the things that go along with having open relationship. So the most important thing here is to kind of slow down the conversation. I wouldn't, I don't think you're going to be pushing actually being with someone else right now, but exploring why you want this relationship,

what do you think it'll do for you? Like the thing is, a lot of our partners might just say, nope, I'm not into it, because what they think is like, how would I be able to handle this excruciating jealousy of you being with someone else? And so that's just where they just say, no. But once you start to think about it and talk about it,

what it might actually look like. Like perhaps it would be every time you were someone else he was there. And maybe he finds like, oh, that's something I'd really be turned on by, especially if you didn't go home with a person or you didn't make out with a person. Couples with healthy alternative relationships

tend to negotiate what feels good to them and they are often updating those rules. So for example, couples might take penetration off the table. They might take sleepovers off the table. They don't want anyone in their friend group, or they do want someone in their friend group, or how you make somebody. If there's a lot of other ways to slice this,

but if this is really something that you feel like is a non-negotiable for you, you know, a couple of counselors could really help you as figure out where you stand and if it can work. And I'm also wondering how your sex life is overall. Actually, that is the most important thing. Because this is not a fix for a stale sex life. Opening it up, having a threesome, bringing in another person is not going to rekindle a lost sex drive or a boring sex life. It's just not

It's gonna come from a place where you guys are in a really solid place You're exploring you're open you're communicating desires and you're communicating fantasies and you're in like a really great place And the reason why open sounds really great to you is because it's going to be additive. You're going to start to experiment with other lovers and be able to talk about it. And as a result of that, that's going to turn you on where couples get to a place called compersion. And compersion is a place in relationship where you actually are aroused and turned on by your partner's pleasure. Because you love them so much that you want their fantasies to be met. You want them to live the sex life that they desire, that they crave. Now again, you're not there yet.

We're still getting you guys to be on the same page about this. But since you are married to your partner and might take a little work, I would recommend going into couples therapy, but also there are some great resources, there are some great books that I also recommend. I recommend opening up by Tristan Terrano. I recommend the Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton. I recommend a book by Kate Laurie called Open Deeply, a guide to building conscious, compassionate, open relationships. So however you always learn together reading some books, educating yourself around what it would mean to be open, it's going to be crucial here. Because you neither

one of you have done this before, your partner might feel threatened and very unsafe. And we don't want that, right? Let's work this through with your partner in a very conscious, deliberate, heart-felt way where it's not about your agenda or his agenda. It's about you guys saying, you know what? Let's not even talk about labeling it, but let's figure out how we can deepen our intimacy, become better lovers and excellent communicators so we can figure out where our sex life and our relationship is going in our next chapter. If your relationships are constantly evolving and growing, which they should be there living, breathing, entities, that's what happens. They die. So continue to grow together, continue to

explore and see what happens. I think you're going to like it. This is for all of you. Have you all talked about your sex lately? Have you talked about your relationship? I love the ideas of relationships renewing contracts every few years and having like, here's our commitment to each other for our sex life, for our intimacy, how we're going to prioritize pleasure, how we're going to grow as lovers. I mean, talk about that stuff before you walk down the aisle.

Please, please, beg all of you. We've Heather 34 in Detroit. Pleasure how we're gonna grow his lovers. I mean talk about that stuff before you walk down the aisle. Please please Back all of you. You've had their 34 in Detroit I'm making out because like a lot of other people in this country I tell my boyfriend and I are really struggling financially and I feel like it's taking toll on the entire relationship Taking on toll on our communication and so far our sex life has always been great. It hasn't been a problem, but I worry that all these stresses will bleed into our sex life. So I guess my question is, what is a good way to kind of online and check out to be able to tune in to each other's bodies, regardless of what's going on on the other side of it?

And I am sober, so no question is the wine or anything. I wanted to know if you had any other recommendations. Thank you so much, Heather, from my hometown. First off, yeah, like let's just normalize the fact that it's a rough time for everybody right now. Either it's politically, emotionally, spiritually, financially. There's just, we're living in a really interesting time right now. And I want to remind you that when we are stressed or anxious, one of the pleasure thieves that

I write about my book Smart Sex, it's going to impact our ability to be connected to have great sex. Because arousal and stress cannot live in the same moment. They cancel each other out. So it would make sense that you have fear about it taking over your sexual connection. Also, this question of being sober, which I'm telling you, I feel like alcohol is being canceled. I feel like it's really, there's just a lot more people who are realizing

that it's just not working for them, which I just like to do that. If you're drinking no worries about it, happy holidays have one for me. But it isn't an adjustment for people who don't stop drinking out, if you're just stopped or not drinking because a lot of times we use just like a liquid courage, we have a drink, we get

into sex. Let me give you a few things that you and your boyfriend can do to sort of get to in the mood and feel connected and tune into each other. You know, the thing why we love wine is because it takes away our inhibitions and our thoughts just sort of go into the ether and we can sort of focus on our partner. But another way to do that is by getting more embodied, which is the first pillar of sex IQ, and that is through calming our nervous system. So our nervous system is that fight or flight, it's the old part of our brain that's telling us we're in danger.

And what that does is that our breath quickens and our heart starts racing, and it's really hard to actually feel anything when we're in that state. So you and your partner could practice doing some eye gazing together when you're sitting on the floor, light some candles, some music, maybe some meditation music, some spa music. There's a few apps that I love. I love InSight Timer app. I really like the breathing app.

Eric and I do it before the episode. It's just literally just called breathing and there's like five, three minutes of breathing. So what happens is when you sit on the floor and you face each other and you stare into each other's eyes, not only are you connected by looking into each other's eyes, but eventually your breath will start to catch up with each other and it'll start breathing together. And when we do this our entire body will start to calm down,

we'll start to feel more in our body, more connected, and more relaxed. Our thoughts will quiet. Now, this is a practice. It's not going to happen right away. But if you sort of set the scene for your partner and you kind of just do this for three minutes, so from there, you're probably already feeling calmer at this moment. And remember to amplify all of the senses. So you got your favorite playlist, a candle that smells good. You have some like water by you or whatever you might need. So you got your favorite playlist, a candle that smells good. You have some like water by you or whatever you might need to be tasting or your favorite drink. And

then from there, you can practice. You can each take turns massaging each other. And remember, it doesn't have to be a sexual massage. You can set the timer for 15 minutes. He lays down and you massage him. And then you lay down and he massages you. And this practice of massaging and releasing tension is all working to help calm your nervous system, which is what's responsible for the way that we show up in the world. So a combination of breathing and touch and looking to each other's eyes are always

that you can sort of calm and be present. Another idea is to get one of these amazing card games they have that ask you questions about your sex life or talk about what you love about each other. You could be a dessert what dessert would you be. But these are fun ways to focus our attention. So we're not just trying to come up with things to talk about and it's hard of you get your mindset into the mood of connection and play because we all just stop playing so much. We're stop learning about our partners. We stop exploring. So this

could be a fun way to really connect in a different unique way with each other. Another thing that you talk about in your book is how we're not taught to prioritize pleasure. And even listening to you right now, I'm sure a lot of listeners will say like, yeah, that sounds great spending an hour doing a massage. We don't have the time in the day for that. Like the nights go by so fast. And I think, as you've said many times before, it's a really conscious decision to decide,

oh no, we are going to set aside an hour tonight to make this happen. Yeah. I mean, really what else are you doing? We all look at our time in our day. That 15 minutes you spent scrolling on Instagram or TV, you could easily take that time and put it into your pleasure package for the year and say like, I'm going to just have a pleasure percentage of time. I'm going to prioritize pleasure with my partner and we can all find time and it doesn't

have to be an hour. It could be a half hour. It could be just, you know, twice a day in the morning. Also there's been research about couples who give each other a 30-second hug in the morning before they leave for work. Starts to get your oxytocin released, but there's our cuddle hormone, and that all helps to feel connected. Because a lot of times we're just feeling disconnected.

So, all the things I'm talking about here, we're also helping battle your stress and your anxiety, because they're all working on the same pathways. And so, if you could say, well, even if this is just for your mental health, you're going to do these things with your partner. Because a lot of times we're thinking that we're craving sex, but really we're just craving connection into machine touch and knowing that our partner is there for us and that we're connected and unit. And you'll find that when you do these certain exercises together,

you play together, you touch each other in different ways, you have meaningful conversations that create more depth than intimacy, you will feel more connected and realize that the sex is part of it. But all these other things help to maintain a lot stronger connection and enhance intimacy all around. Thank you for your question, Heather. I appreciate you so much.

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and check out to receive 10% off site wide. That's B-A-T-H-M-A-T-E directDirect.com slash sex with Emily and called Emily 10% for 10% off same-wide. Alright everyone, I'll be right back. If you care about the state of the world and want to set it on a better course, we have a solution that may be somewhat surprising. Work in Finance. At CFA Institute, our programs and courses are deeply rooted in ethical perspective, but we don't just teach. We create codes of conduct and impact key policy

issues with global governments and regulators. To join a global network of investment professionals, visit CFAInstitute.org slash set the standard today. Hi Emily, my name is Brittany and 38 from Phoenix. My husband and I have been together for 15 years so we are been experiencing in the bedroom. Just a quick question if this is normal and not, however. I am a feminist. I do not like this respect with women and all of that horrible stuff that comes along with porn and stuff. We do like to enjoy watching porn together. Sometimes it turns me on, but how do I help myself the next day when I'm feeling embarrassed or guilty or embarrassed for the things that I said during intimate moments

because in general life I don't feel that way. I don't, let's say, needy. I wanted a little bit of rough play or I need a comment about something that turned me on in the moment but the next day I kind of have some regret which curious how I can work through that because it kind of alters how the night goes because it will get stuck in my head and I try not to. Thank you, have a great day. I love this question, Brittany. This is such a great question. I love this question. You're saying like how can I be a feminist? Like how can I ask for equal pay and also to be choked in the bedroom? Like how can I say I want equal rights and I want to be spank sometimes? Like how does that work as a woman? It is very, very confusing especially as a feminist.

Let me just reframe this for you because I get it. It is very, very confusing, especially as a feminist. Let me just reframe this for you because I get it. It's really confusing. You're like, how could I have acted that way? And I really care so much about my rights. And I'm so respectful of women. And I don't really agree with porn. And it's confusing. But what I want to tell you this is remember that you have agency over your body. That means that you are in control of your body. You have choices. You guys decide what feels good to you, what your turn-ons are. And I've got to tell you this.

Rough sex and desiring rough sex can actually coincide with being a feminist because you're actually choosing. You're in control. It's actually empowering, arguably more powerful than the giver because you all are rough sex and if you're playing the submissive, the vulva owner is in power. Like even if you're choosing to relinquish your power and saying you're in control, that's your power, right? And it's all mistake if you're a pleasure. So to me, the most empowered thing in the world is a vulva owner who says, this is

what I need. This is what I need. This is what I want. There's no way we're going to be doing any of this rough talk outside the bedroom, but in this moment, for my eroticism and my desire, this is actually a requirement right now for my arousal. Because again, rough sex is your choice. Maybe some of the porn you're seeing, you're feeling like, oh, is there a choice or does she really like that?

That's why I often recommend more ethical porn. Rough sex is pushing boundaries that you have created for yourself. So do you see what I'm saying to reframen that like you've decided, you have agency over this, and you also are dating a partner who is equally respectful of your boundaries. And he's also saying, I'm going to be a bore for what you want because I respect you and

I am all about your pleasure and what you require to be turned on. Let's talk about the opposite of this. Like what kind of sex is not for feminists? It's if someone was telling you, this is how it should look. This is what you need to be doing. Sex is more performative. Sex is more about your partner's pleasure. We were like, I'm just going to let him time you up because it's what he wants, but it doesn't actually feel good to me. Sex that isn't consensual.

Sex that isn't negotiated beforehand. So I feel like you are in a relationship right now with a partner who is all about collaborating, consenting, and working together to co-create a beautiful experience. So really, I would love you to be able to enjoy this experience without apologizing for it and just kind of reframing this this as saying, wow, this is actually the most feminist and powering thing I can do is to be in charge and in control of my own desires and my own fantasies. Now, nothing to think about is like,

are there other areas in your life where shame has come up where you feel you have a shame over in the morning? That's what I like to call these things when we go up in the morning. We're like, I feel so bad about that one night stand I feel so bad about what I did Which is really really common and then I like to look at shame I like to drill down on shame and say where's come from?

We're also by feeling shame my life. What's the root of this shame and usually we find the root of the shame It's because we are violating some invisible boundary that we didn't even Plant there could have been planted by a religious figure in your life for your caregivers that said sex is wrong you shouldn't have sex you shouldn't do these things but we create stories that are had that actually rob us of pleasure. Hope this kind of gives you a reset of reframes so you can continue to have sex on your terms that feel the most pleasurable and exciting for you. All right. Thank you so much, Brittany.

So appreciate your call. This is from Mary and Cheese 29 in Ohio. So I put with my partner for about two years and everything is going really well. We have a pretty good sex life. But I've been experiencing some weird things lately. We have been watching a lot of porn together, which usually I initiate because I just like it. It feels good.

And I've found that I am getting really turned on by the thought of him being with somebody else. Lately, it's even been hard for me to get turned on or to come to climaximax without the thoughts, like without the dirty chalk, and it makes me a little bit nervous because they don't necessarily want that to happen in real life. It's just fun to think and fantasize about, but I'm just wondering what you think about why it's like the only way I can climax easily now. Does that mean that I should try to stop watching porn with him and blow down these fantasies?

Or is it okay to just continue on? Okay, thank you. All right, Maryam. Thank you so much for your question. And I love that you and your partner are watching porn, having good sex, trying out new things, this sounds really healthy and a good time to me. I love it.

Let me just clarify one thing, and remind all of you, there's two kinds of fantasies. There's the fantasies that you fantasize about and you think that would be so nice one day if that could happen. I would really love to have a threesome with my partner or Maryam in your case, watch him have sex with someone else. The other kind of fantasies are the ones that we just like to fantasize about. We like to use them as tools during sex. We kind of played in our brain and we know what happens.

We use it as fodder for a rousal, but we don't necessarily want it to happen. So I just want to clarify that and normalize that for everybody. Doesn't mean anything's wrong or you definitely want something to happen because you fantasize about it. I think this sounds like a fun way to play. It's transparent. He knows what you're fantasizing about or what you're talking about. But it sounds like it's getting to be a little bit much for you and you're noticing that now it feels like I have to be doing this one thing and thinking this one thought.

And I can get where that could be a little bit alarming. So my recommendation is to keep watching different kinds of porn with your partner, or maybe you could act out some of your own porn scenarios together. You could even film yourselves having sex and make your own porn. Is there any role playing or anything else that inspires you? Because the more you diversify your fantasies and come up with other things to play around with and other scenarios that turn you on, that'll really help you not get locked into this one thing

that's working for you. And why I love that you're asking this is because so many of us struggle with, there's one way I can orgasm, there's one thought that I with, there's one way I can orgasm, there's one thought that I have, there's one position, and then we sort of get set in our ways, we do that over and over again, and it can be hard to change. But right now you're saying,

this is what's been happening for me, and I wanna try something else. So, the sooner you can just sort of see what else is out there for you guys, it sounds like your sex life is just blossoming, try it. But also, don't shame yourself, if this is the place that you go to and what you require right now for a rousal.

There is no right or wrong here, but in answering your question, I'm just letting you know that there are some things you can do to play around with your orgasm. And I think we've talked about this before in the show, but just as a reminder, why do so many people find it hot to imagine

their partner with someone else? Oh God, yeah, I didn't even get to that fantasy. It's that funny, you guys. I'm like, oh yeah, the fantasy about watching your partner sleep with someone else. Every other person. Every other person. That's common too.

That is a very common fantasy as well. I'd say it's probably split, maybe more little more than half worth it. You know, God, I would never want that fantasy. That's my biggest nightmare is my partner with anybody else, anyone who I partner to like a like another person on Instagram. And now you're gonna fantasize like,

what's going on here? But remember, we are all built differently. We all have different mechanisms in our brain that allow us to find other things hot and other things not so hot. There's a few reasons why people have this fantasy. So maybe for Miriam, when she's watching that, it feels like this

naughty transgression, taboo, or not supposed to do it. And we all know what happens. You know, like, think about where kids, don't touch a stove, and you touch a stove. We want to do things that we are told we cannot do. And that have a little bit of fear around it. And remember, when we are in a rousal state, dopamine, serotonin, all the feel good hormones that start spiking will do that whether you're fantasizing about something that you are feeling like I can't, I don't want that to happen, but it's so hot I can't stop looking. A rousal is funny, think about like pleasure and pain, and as we wonder, well how can we feel pain and pleasure at the same time? Well, it's because those receptors are so closely linked and the same thing goes for the links in our brain between what's right and what's wrong. Sometimes what's wrong

can sort of send our bodies really into a rousal state when we're having this surge of dopamine or serotonin that's allowing us to feel something that your brain doesn't matter the content. Your brain isn't modern in saying that would be so hard to actually deal with in real life. Your brain is going, that's really exciting. It's measuring excitement. And that's stimulating all your arousal mechanisms. And so that's why in your brain, you can make sense of this and flip it into arousal. And other people would identify with, you know, maybe people who have been cheated on or maybe people who felt really unsafe in relationships couldn't even go towards this fantasy. But Miriam, I'm guessing maybe you're in a really secure relationship right now. We feel really safe with your partner.

And so therefore, it's also safe for you to fantasize in areas that might otherwise feel scary to other people. I feel like if you feel secure in your relationships, sometimes it can be hot to be reminded that, oh, my partner is such a catch. Like, oh, so many other people find my partner attractive too, but I know that they're mine. It can't be really hot. You know, they'll often say that if you've been going through, you know, sort of a stale place in your relationship, go out and see them in a party, watch them in the

walk across the room, watch them do their job, get up and give a speech, or run a meeting because it's so hot to see your partner in their power. And so to see them having a lot of pleasure with somebody else could also be a great turn. I'm like, look how hot my partner is. Doing their thing, whether it's having sex with someone else or leading meeting in the boardroom, it can all be hot. I also feel like in addition to it just being fodder for eroticism, that's such a healthy mindset to have in a relationship of just wanting your partner to thrive and be their own individual person. Yeah. And the best relationships are when you grow together, but also as individuals alongside each other. Yeah, we grow together and your partner supporting you along the way and wants the best for you.

And you know, when people who are in open relationships start to experience compulsion, which is the experience of pleasure from watching your partner have pleasure. So, Miriam, let's see if one of these explanations sort of resonates with you and I hope that you continue to have fun and play and explore with your partner. Keep us posted. We hear a lot about people who say, I have to be thinking about this one thing to orgasm. I have to be picturing or fantasizing this thing. Do you think that's ever a problem or is it like, no, you know what you need? Regardless of what the fantasy is.

I only think of things as a problem when they become a problem and there's consequences. So let's say the fact that you always have to think about someone with red hair every single time and you just, that's been your go-to for 10 years. Now, you could think of, and you get to the point where you're so over it and and you want it to change, so sex isn't even enjoyable for you anymore. That's when it's a problem. Or maybe you feel like it's a problem because you're thinking this thing,

and then you're completely disassociated during sex, and you feel less connected to your partner. Or, you know, there's a lot of other reasons why that could be a problem. I think in this case, you know, again, you don't wanna pathologize yourself if there's nothing wrong, but it is great to find other ways and other fantasies

to layer in, because if you've got one go-to thing that works for you, it's not because that was ordained because you came out of the womb with this fantasy and you can never change it. Just like we change careers, we change kind of television, you watch, we make a mix

of our workout routines. The same thing goes for our sex life. But since we don't talk about this, we often just shame ourselves or think something's wrong. But I'm encouraging everybody to continue to explore your sexual desires and what turns you on. The world is filled with content and scenarios and places you can travel and go in your mind or in life where you could find things that will also add to your rouse. But I think we just get so set like I am having sex

and I'm gonna pull out this go-to thought and now it's over that we don't often look at it in a more of a playful way and more of an exploratory way and wondering like what else is possible. We just don't go there. You tell you ask that and now now, think of all the people who are getting mixing up their fantasies tonight. I love it.

And that's probably a good thing to try doing solo sex. So you don't feel the pressure of having to orgasm within a certain period of time. It's just like, no, let's see what other thoughts can get me to climax. It's kind of a fun game, right? So I think you guys should play some kind of like Russian roulette with porn.

I gave you a UPIC one and he picks one. I love to just like you know pick one thing and you each get to once a week Brings up thing new completely new and I think you'll be surprised to find Where else you find the breadcrumbs to your rousal. Thanks Maryam. Hi, my name is on the list. I'm 26 and I live in Virginia I Hi, my name is Annalys. I'm 26 and I live in Virginia. I am a civil surgeon. I have never been in a series relationship before and I'm really kind of diving into the dating game and dating apps and wanting to have sex with the first time I felt ready to have sex and now that I'm ready, I'm like kind of eager to just do it. I guess my question is how open should be with guys when I'm meaning them about the situation. Sure, I just want them to know right off the bat like, hey, I'm a virgin. I'm looking to have sex and just experience it. I masturbate as and I'm comfortable that I understand

by body and the lower gasms, but I've just never involved in other person. And so that's kind of my question about just approaching it and how to handle it with that. So thanks, bye. Thank you so much for your question. And let me tell you this. Totally acceptable, totally cool, okay?

To have waited, to have sex until now. I'd like to eradicate the word virgin from the lexicon and use sexual debut. Because virgin is sort of throwback or women were like losing their virginity or giving up their virginity. But I like to think it was like, this is your debut. This is the time that you're stepping out and you're saying, Hey, I'm open for business. Who gets to come into my store? Who is going to

come in and please me and have this experience? Who's going to be the lucky person? It's an exciting time that you're ready. I love that you've been exploring your body, that you masturbated, that you understand what feels good. And now you've decided that you are ready. And let me just tell you this, that they're so deep who aren't ready. And they do it because they feel like, oh, I better do if I've got a college, I'm just going to grab some random person and do it. It's a very common scenario that I hear from. So I do not think that you should just do it. I'm not sure you didn't mention it. But there might be a little bit of shame or concern

that you're going to be judged because you're 26 years old. And I just want to say, well, first, I'm hearing from a lot more people who are waiting longer to have sex until they're ready, which I love. Right? I love that it's a lower pressure situation. I think it is more acceptable. But also, there are several things to be shamed about that you actually had agency over your decisions and your body. And you made a decision based on where you were in your life, what you wanted, you lived a full life, you've done other things. And now you're ready. To me, that is

so sexy and so empowering and so powerful to be that woman who's like, you know what? Was it ready before? Now I am. Let's see what this is all about. It's a very different way of thinking about rather than, oh my god, I'm embarrassed. I'm sorry I've been done yet. Who says you should have done it already? Like, where are the rules that you should already have had sex by certain age? Listen, we all get to decide what feels good for us, what doesn't, where we want to be in our sexuality, in our experiences, and mostly this is about communication and feeling good about where you're at and celebrating the fact that you were able to really honor your own process. And I think that is really admirable and really inspiring. I think you want to make sure that you're with someone that you

feel safe with and that you trust. Not to let the fear come in a partner for the rest of your life, but there have been actually studies that have shown that people who just do it have some regret later. It doesn't feel a satisfying and it does pleasurable because if you're just doing it and silence, you're not telling the person that this is a really huge moment for you and you're not sharing that, it can be very, very lonely.

So what I'm saying is, I don't think that having sex for the first time should be something you just check off the list. I want you to be more purposeful and intentional about it. Take time getting to know people, meet people out in the world, see if there's someone you actually connect with or try the apps,

and definitely start dating and flirting. And there's just no rush, right? You're 26 years old and now you know you're ready, but it doesn't mean it has to happen tomorrow. And I know why you do rush into penetrative sex, either because remember, the majority of both of our owners aren't going to even orgasm penetration. I'm not saying so about orgasm, but I just want you to feel the pressure until you're ready for it.

I want you to know that through dating and meeting potential partners and just feeling a little bit safer with someone knowing they're actually a good person, it's going to make sure this experience is a lot more enjoyable for both of you. And I recommend sharing that you haven't had sex yet with a person. I'm not into don't tell the person, because it's a secret. I mean, come on, it's a really big deal. And you want to be someone who's gonna celebrate with you,

hold space for you, and be a great partner in this really exciting experience. Make it feel as pleasurable and safe, and memorable, satisfying as possible. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at Sex with

Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739. A go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to A Cast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com. We can wait for clean water solutions or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth or we can demand more from ourselves.

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