Sex With Emily - Hotline Calls: I’m Kinky, But My Partner Isn’t

Episode Date: January 9, 2024

Today I am bringing back LIVE Hotline Calls! Not only that, holistic psychologist, author, and my newest friend, Dr. Scott Lyons, joins me back on the show to help me answer your questions. From concerns about sexual compatibility to avoiding jackhammer sex, you will hear the change in these callers’ voices as we help them in real-time. In this episode, you’ll learn: Effective ways to tell your partner you want to explore sexually How to have sex talks with a partner who gets uncomfortable How to feel confident going into a date See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com. Show Notes: Magic Wand Micro Dr. Scott Lyons: Instagram | Website The Embody Lab SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular.

Because yeah, he might your exploration and be like, okay, she wants to deep-threat me, she wants to sing for the rafters, like, what are the neighbors gonna think? Or what am I doing wrong? What am I doing wrong, too? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I know it's not gonna be as quick as getting into the bedroom tonight, but you know, you guys have been together while this could be a new thing that you guys are exploring together, and we might have to roll back to the basics. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. This is a very exciting episode. Why? Because I'm bringing back live calls.

And I thought, what better way to celebrate than to bring back holistic psychologist's author and my newest dearest friend, Dr. Scott Lyons. He's on the show to help me answer your questions. It was so much fun talking with all of you, and it was so great to see how my expertise and Dr. Lyons' expertise was really able to work with our listeners

to make some real change. You're gonna hear it in these conversations and in their voice. One caller has a partner who's more sexually closed off and she actually gets panic attacks talking about sex. So we give some tips for that. Another caller is afraid to start dating again when she thinks this sex will be unfilling.

It was so good to talk to you again. And if you love this episode and you want the chance to talk to me live and have your questions answered, all you got to do is submit your questions to our Ask Emily forum at sexwithemlee.com slash Ask-Emily. Or just leave a voicemail. 559 Talk Sex or 559-825-57739. Change your name, change your voice, that's cool, and just say in your message,

if you want us to call you and be in touch, and I guess might reach out to you in the new year. We'll have a chat. We'll do some therapy, live, and send you on your way for more pleasure in your life. That's what we're all about here. Please rate and review sex with the Emily, wherever you listen to the show,

it really helps get the show out to more people, the more you review it, and the more you rate rate it so we are all having sex positive messages. Art everyone, enjoy this episode! If you've ever thought about giving your toes into the world of sex toys but didn't know where to start, well, I found a solution that's not only beginner-friendly but also super affordable and to make it easy, you can find solution that's not only beginner-friendly, but also super affordable, and to make it easy, you can find it at local retailers, and that is plus one. Plus one wants to make your journey of self-exploration smooth like their silicone toys, which are actually super

smooth. Check out the range of products from their dual massager, which is just so versatile, to their sleek bullet vibrator, which I literally gifted everyone on my holiday list this year. You might have also heard of their viral rose arouser. It was all over TikTok, and it's a really discreet device that's definitely more reliable than your last Tinder date. Trust me. And if sexual wellness is on your resolution list, check out plus one's Kegel trainer.

This will be your newfound ally to make your pelvic floor stronger and your orgasms more reliable. So start on your journey of sexual pleasure and wellness with Plus one. Visit myplusone.com and use code SWE15 at checkout for 15% off this week. That's myplusone.com and use code SWE15 to get 15% off this week only. Or find them on Amazon or at your local retailers like Target, CVS, Kroger, and Walmart. Plus one, because everyone deserves a plus one

on their quest for self-love. Welcome my return gas Dr. Scott lion. Hi. Hi. Thank you for having me again. This is the room where I first fell in love with you. It was me too. We fell in love. We did such a great time in the last episode. I just wanted you to come back today so we could actually get into it with some colors. I'm so excited to do that. I'm so excited to collaborate with you and supporting people. This would be great. So it just says a review. I know you're a holistic psychologist. Can you just break that down for what that actually is? Yeah. So as opposed to looking at what the issue is with people,

we really look at more the whole concept of who they are, how they are, where they come from, other contributions, like nutrition, medical, like social cultural pieces. So it's really looking at all these components to what supports them as opposed to focusing on what's wrong and how to fix that. This is Freya 32 in Pittsburgh.

Hey, Freya, how you doing? This is Dr. Emily and Dr. Scott Lyons. We're so happy to talk to you. Tell us what's going on. Hi, yeah. I have been with my husband for 10 years and over the past year I've been interested in trying different kings and bed. I have brought it up to my husband multiple times, but he just isn't interested in those

types of things. I can't really blame him. I mean, he doesn't want to explore. It's not the way that turns him on, but now I feel stuck because I can't explore the things that I want to. So yeah, I love my husband the things that I want to. So yeah, I love my husband, he's my best friend. We have an amazing son together, but I just am not sure how to navigate the situation.

Okay. So what you're saying is you've been together a while. You want to try something kinky or you said, right? And so when you try these things, you talk to him, what happens? He just says no. He's like, I don't really want to explore our sex life. He just let's just keep going the same way. Okay. He says he's not interested. Can I give you an example? Please, please. One of the things that I feel kind of changed is I want to like deep-throw him while I give him a job. But he's not interested in that because like the gagging and the sitting and that kind of stuff. It's just not something that

It's like so. Okay. And again, I can't I don't fault him for that, but at the same time, I'm not sure. Got it. Well, have you guys had any conversations about what your turn-ons are and what might be fun to play with? Because I get maybe he isn't into that, but have you guys any time about that exploring together? Yeah, I mean, I know what his are and I have told him what my turn on's are. And there are some things that we do that.

I, you know, we both are agreeing to, we both are aligned on. It's just like, there's no, you never want to explore it at all. He doesn't even want to try it. Okay. What does exploration mean to him? Explorations?

Yeah, sexual exploration mean to him. Probably nothing. He probably doesn't think anything about it. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Yeah, like what, if you're describing like, hey, I want to be more exploratory with sacks and these things like what does that mean to him does because sometimes for individuals that might mean that something is wrong with what they're doing.

They might interpret it and so what we kind of want to get a hold of is like what a more conservative kind of environment. He's talking about sex. I come from my state that's opposite. So it's always been like that with us on their vocal. It's always like my centrality even wants. And he is very much uncomfortable discussing it. You're asking like what is his sexual exploration? I don't know.

He probably does. Okay. He probably does. So he grew up. So this is a really, really, really common word. There's one person who grew up in a more oppressive environment where it wasn't okay to talk about sex. And that's in his body, that's in his beliefs that if you bring up sex, you want to try something kinky, it's against his,

even if this is in conscious form, but it's probably not, it's his, it's his belief that if you try something, he's got a judgment around it, or he was told it wasn't okay. And so now we find, which happens with a lot of couples, they grew up in different environments, and that now here you are. You're in your 30s, early 30s,

and you're like, okay, but we're no longer living under that roof or wherever, you know, that those beliefs, but yet we still hold them. We still hold onto them. And so I think it would be great for you guys to have some conversations about this together, like outside the bedroom, about, you know, sharing with him, why it would be important to you and what it would feel like, what you mean by exploration, and let him know what you think it could add to the relationship and your connection and your sex life, from a feeling place. Because yeah, he might hear exploration and be like, okay, she wants a deep-threatening me, she wants to sing for the rafters, like, what are the neighbors going to think?

Or what am I doing wrong? What am I doing wrong too? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you might be thinking, isn't this good enough? What's wrong with the old in and out? Yeah. Because again, we don't have a lot of education around sex those people don't talk about it.

And so I think, you know, I know it's not gonna be as quick as getting into the bedroom tonight, but you know, you guys have been together a while. And this could be a new thing that you guys are exploring together. And we might have to roll back to the basics of, you know, what could great sex look like for you? What would be exciting for you?

What, you know, I love our side, and starting with the good old compliments sandwich of, this is what I love about our connection. I love about our relationship. I love all the things we've done together. You, you know, you could cite something sexually that you do like. And then you could get into the and what I've been learning lately is that couples who start to explore their sex life and talk about their sex life have really wonderful connections, it expands, it, you know, couples who talk

about sex have better sex, they last longer, they have more pleasure in their relationship, you know, you could let them know something you've been learning. And you thought it would be important for you guys to start to Talk about your sex life learn to explore see what's on the table and then maybe when he starts revealing things I don't want to do it or why you bringing this up You just gonna have to be calm and curious and open and just say, you know It's I just really want us to feel more together. You're asking questions to like wonder where that's coming from I'm where you learning that from you know, just

questions too, like wonder where that's coming from, or where you're learning that from, you know, just. He didn't even give it like, he doesn't want to for anything when he does like that to me, but he won't like let me deep throat or anything like that. I just, I, it doesn't, I don't know. And I, I guess is there, and I, I guess I do try to talk to him outside of the bedroom,

but you, you say like it should be like not when we're like about to have sex, right? It should be like, yeah,'re like about to have sex, right? It should be like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Or you might even say like, Hey, I noticed there's some strong energy about like, there's kind of a big no here. Can you tell me what you're feeling that's part of that? No. Like you upset. Does do you feel less than do you feel nervous, do you feel shame? A lot of it shame. Yeah, a lot of it shame.

So often. Right. I love saying like, yeah, it's such a strong reaction, like a strong no. But maybe the first time, he's really thought about it. Yeah. Why isn't a strong no? It's a good, why am I being a strong no with my wife? Yeah.

You know, this part I've been with for a long time to get 10 years, you said, yeah. Yeah. And you've a son, like let's figure out how we can grow and get underneath the hood there. Yeah. If there is some defensive energy, they're like the compliment sandwich is a great way

to start being like, maybe I love when you do this and this and even holding your hand feels so good. And I'm wondering how we can add to this, you know, toolbox of pleasure that we have in our life together. It's really coming from a place of yes and a we and a we and the we why it's good for both of you. Yeah. I think since we could explain that it's not just about me getting off more and me doing this thing to you, it's a we and what it looks like couples who communicate about it. Then their sex life isn't the issue and it actually becomes a place of strength and nourishment and connection.

And it helps every other area of our life when we feel truly connected and nourished by our sex lives with our partners. I'm Jesse. I'm 26. I'm from Canada. My pronouns are he,him. My question for you is a little bit of a loaded one, but I'll try to explain my situation as best as I can. My sex life with my girlfriend has been struggling, I'd say, for the last year or so, and I think I know why, but I don't know necessarily what to do about it. Okay. A lot of those factors are both mine and her own mental health. Both of us have been playing around with like anti-depressants and stuff.

And that's kind of affected both of our libidos. And then the other thing is also her birth control situation that she's been playing around with quite a bit. She just recently finished like a five week long period. And I'm trying to my best to be sympathetic towards it and understanding, but I also don't know the best way to kind of get my need dealt with when she say has a five week long period, but also being sensitive to the fact that she is dealing with that. I do get that that's a problem and I don't want to come off as like needy or prying or you know so just kind of wondering how to approach that.

And if times we do have sex recently, I'm not sure if it's their medications or anything, they'll have the time I'll make her orgasm. And then after that she says that she gets really oversensitive and overstimulated down there afterwards. And then that kind of ends and cuts things short too. So I'm just wondering a little more about how to deal with that and how to handle, I guess, being sexually frustrated in a healthy way. Oh, Jessie, thank you so much for your question. I appreciate you. I'm here with Dr. Scott Lines. You got two of us here today.

Thank you. Healthy you. Well, first, thank you so much for your thoughtful question. And you sound like you're a really thoughtful and available to her. And I just love the consciousness you have around this challenge. And it's hard, you know, it's hard to see your partner suffering and you want to be there.

But yet, you know, you got needs too. It's tricky. It really is. So first medication is real, right? It's got how often do we see that people are on antidepressants or ant and then birth control pill and it can be hard to sort of understand the impact on the libido. Yeah, yeah, it's a real thing to have to navigate the biochemistry here. And I really appreciate you recognizing that as a contribution to what's happening. That's part of it. And that's something that we have to learn. Sometimes people are on medications and they decide if it can kind of dissipate after while, but then sometimes they don't.

So that's why it's just important just to cover the medical stuff to talk to a doctor and see what else they can do. Also talking about her periods, like hopefully she's seeing somebody, does she have a good gynecologist or a doctor that can help her because that shouldn't be happy. Is she also your age 26 years old or? Yeah, 27, yeah.

It's a bit of an ongoing thing that she's just recently started seeing a doctor for her, but fingers crossed that she's gonna get that kind of figure that was. Yeah, to get that kind of figured out. Yeah. And that's kind of the thing is I recognize that it's something that's kind of beyond anyone's control until it kind of medications get figured out. Right. Things like that get sorted out.

Okay. Sounds like you guys have a handle on that, which is good because it could take a beat, right, to find the right doctors who know enough about women's health. I mean, that's what we're seeing these days. There's a lot of gynecologists who have all the current information that is available right now that we know about women's health. So if she's not finding a solution,

she could always hopefully find another doctor. So that's the medical stuff. So let's also talk about getting your needs met sexually. While she might not be open for penetrative sex right now. I'm a huge fan of mutual masturbation of couples lying side by side and getting their needs met, taking care of themselves, while also feeling connected. So that could be one way to do it if she's not open to penetration, which she probably isn't right now. Is that something you guys could do? Play around in that way.

I've thrown the idea around a few times and we have enjoyed it when we've done it. I can definitely try and push more in that direction a little more. And then there's also the hurt meeting your needs. So it sounds to me like you probably wouldn't kick around the bed for why don't you give you a blowjob or something you know, right? And like with that, she says she just doesn't feel very confident with giving blow jobs it and she doesn't feel like she'll do a good job and so I think she kind of wigs herself out with that a little bit too. So that hasn't really happened in your relationship up until now.

There haven't been many ways of her. A little bit. Honestly, it's been happening a little bit more since we started listening to your podcast actually, which has been helpful. Love that. It's a practice. Everything's got a damn practice. Everything's got, I mean, really, right? It's all weird stuff. We've been using into it. Yeah, okay. Just say, I want to do a hope check-in, like a hope barometer. where are you in the hope that things can change in a positive way?

I think we're quite hopeful, like I feel like I recognize the issue and like I said, I just don't know necessarily what steps I should take to correct it. And I love her a lot and I notice she loves me a lot too. So I'd say I'm pretty hopeful that we can work it out. I just don't know exactly what that's to take to do so. Yeah. So one of the things I would even say is can you tap into that hope?

So sometimes when we feel lost, especially around sex, especially around when we're navigating things beyond just communication and relational matters, when we're dealing with real medical stuff too, that when we feel lost, can we tap into that sensation, that experience of hope and love as you described for each, that you have for each other? Yeah, I feel like I could do that.

Cool, let's just kind of roleplay that a little bit. Like when you tap into that now, that sense of hope or love, what do you notice? I notice I feel less stressed and a little less anxious actually. Great. Let's follow that through. When you feel less stressed and less anxious, what else happens? What's your thought process? What's the sense of your breath and your body, so connecting more to what's happening in your body as well.

My body posture relaxes, my breathing also kind of slows down. Just from yeah, just from thinking it was kind of like more loving thoughts rather than thinking about being sexually frustrated, capping into that. Great, and that's just an instant change rate. An instant change, I love that, I love that. And then imagine she was in the room with us, or with you, as you feel that sense of relaxation

or that sense of hope and love. What do you notice when she's imagined in the room? I feel like she probably wouldn't also be more relaxed. Yes. Yeah. Your hope, your love, your relaxation is contagious. And so that's already something you can do. That's a, and I say that because there's a sense of empowerment, you changed your body just now. You did that. You have a way of also giving some sense of peace to the environment to the ecosystem that you're both in. And that's power. Yeah.

Just a mindset. Yeah. mindset and awareness of your body and Maybe to change a tone of the conversation. So I love that so you could be sexually frustrated That's also true But what could also be true is that there's hope yeah, and that there's deep love Yeah, which we know she has for you too, right? She wants to be connected sexually as well But with everything going on You know she probably has isn't another place in her mind But, but if you could come together, how could they come together, Scott? How could you bring her into this? Yeah, I would even invite her next time you see her.

Maybe it's 10 minutes from now and hour, a couple hours is like, hey, I learned this practice today where I tune into the sense of hope and love in my body. And I feel more relaxed. Can I hold your hand when we do that and see what happens with us? And then tune into, like, do you feel more connected? Often when we're less stressed, like the draw bridge between us, the bridge goes down

and we can start to feel more of that sense of bi-directional connection, that sense of something between us, whether it's energetic or whether it's just a feeling, and tune into that. Because sometimes when we're in a kind of, I don't know, a law in our sex slave, we think, oh gosh, the connection's kind of, there's such a big gap in the connection. But then there's so many other ways we can connect to connection beyond just sex. You can generate the connection through intention, through contact, skin contact, through meditation together, absolutely. Through shared states,

So yeah, meditation together, absolutely. Through shared states, like that, shared relaxation. Yeah, and that makes sense. Like, even just how you mentioned how when I pictured her being there, she seemed more relaxed because I'm more relaxed, I would imagine that also would be true if I'm frustrated. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. that also would be true if I'm frustrated. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. It just plays off, I guess it's just entity,

where it's really. Exactly. When you relax, people relax around you, right? If you come in with this, like, I'm frustrated, or you come in like more accepting and present and aware. Yeah. She'll feel that too. Yeah.

And I think in that like settled place We have more opportunity for to enact our curiosities So like ooh, you know, we're talking about oral sex for example. It's like can we try it out and I can give you feedback I mean how is your guys communication around like moment to moment happenings around intimacy and sex? around like moment to moment happenings around intimacy and sex. I think it can be good and then other days it's not like it's kind of yet to kind of depends on the day but yeah maybe it has just been a little bit of I haven't been as mindful about my approach to it sometimes that we've been having those conversations more of that anxious state and that relaxed one now

that I think about it in hindsight. But I'd say when, yeah, we're having like a calm, open, relaxed conversation about it, then our communication is quite good. But if it comes from a place of more anxiety or anything, then communication isn't necessarily there or as good. Yeah, that makes sense. So, how does this feel to maybe approach her again, but from a different place. Feels hopeful actually.

Yeah, just to think about it that way and then when she comes home from work tonight, I kind of just approach it from again that hopeful place because I am hopeful in the long term that things will all get figured out with like medications and all that and I think just approaching it from the mindset of yeah just hopeful that hopefulness rather than frustration I think that'll get us through that that kind of law when our sex life because like we've been together for a few years now and it has been good before. Okay.

That's good. I am hopeful it will come back to that. Yeah. And Jesse, I mean, like the thing about it's sex life is, you know, the moment you're in your 30s, it's going to be different. And then you're going to hit another milestone of your sexual evolution. And so we can look at this as part of your sexual evolution. And so we can look at this as part of your sexual evolution. We can call it a law, but we can also reframe it as like this opportunity to deepen in different pathways with each

other as part of the continual evolution or this continual timeline of our process, our connection, our relationship. Rather than catastrophizing, it's over what does it mean, but to say, oh, what an opportunity for growth here. Because we're always lying. And our sex life's always changing and our desires and what we want. So what a great opportunity to start now. And see what you guys are both at and check in and just a new chapter. Yeah, sometimes today.

Yeah, sometimes conflict brings more opportunity. And this, there's a lot of opportunities here. Yeah. Okay, Jesse. Yeah, I think so. Go ahead. Thank you so much for your call. We so appreciate you. And we're here for you. So I think you got this. Let us know how it goes. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Thank you very much. Thank you, Jesse. Have a great day. I appreciate you. I felt hope. Now, I feel better after that, right? I feel like he's got some good information here. Yeah. Right? It's magic.

Like, when we can feel like, oh, we have some power again. If I can shift my state, what else can I shift? What else can I work through? Yeah. It's such a great practice. I mean, you can think about using that in in our lives, right? Because a lot of us are the we default towards what's wrong. Yeah. The negativity bias. Yeah. The agitated state is a lot easier to access than the hopeful calm state. Yeah.

But just in those few moments, you know, I love the way you able to reframe that. What a great practice. Thanks Scott. Thanks Dr. Lines. Dr. Scott, what do you like? The moment he started talking, I felt this twinge of sadness in my heart. We didn't really go into it, but by the end, when he said he felt hopeful, I actually felt a shift where I felt like, ooh. I did too. Yeah, no, I felt a shift for sure where, you know, if we felt it, I can only imagine what his girlfriend's going to feel when she gets home tonight. Yeah, I really look forward to hearing how that manifests. I love when she look at back to us and let us know how these things go because then we

can do follow-ups. Yeah. Right? It's great to go on a journey with Jesse and his girlfriend. Yeah. Stick around because after the break, Dr. Scott Lines and I will be right back after talking to more of my listeners. I love hearing from all of you. But first, let me tell you about Magic Wand. Magic Wand is an iconic vibrator

that when I first got it, it used to have to be plugged into the wall. Okay, so I drilled a hole in my nightstand so the magic wand would always be plugged in. It's just a reliable, powerful vibrator. And since then, they have many versions, doesn't have to be plugged into the wall. But last year, they came out with the mini. It's a smaller version. And then just now, they came out with the micro. It looks like a keychain.

I didn't even think it was the real vibrator. Oh, but it is. It's four and a half inches long. It's a size of like a typical bullet vibe, but don't worry, it is the true magic wand. It has the soft silicone head, the bendy neck, it's powerful, but this one is charged micro USB. A game changer. This whole thing. You'll have it in your pocket, you'll have it with you wherever you go. Start the new year off right. Do it. With magic wand, the magic Wand Micro, all the other Magic Wand styles are on my shop site. Just go to shopsexwiththeemily.com

slash Magic Wand to get yours. It's free shipping on all orders over $69 that shopsexwithemily.com slash Magic Wand. All right everyone, we'll be right back. My name is Jenna. I live in Colorado and I go by the year and I'm 31 years old. Hey Jenna, thanks so much for calling you're on with Emily and Dr. Scott Lions. Hello, how are you? Good. I love your guys' show and thank you for taking my call. I just need some advice. Yeah, we got you.

So after a sex list marriage, I found someone I connected passionately with during sex, like really good sex, mind-blowing sex. Your whole yes-no maybe list, we probably did it all or we're going to do it all. That's a main element. So, you may feel really safe and comfortable and I could just be my best self-arround him. So, I really believe that sex is really important in a relationship but I decided, you know, we connected really well during in the bedroom, but not really outside of the bedroom, so I broke up with him and I still practice solo sex regularly, but I'm having this mental block within myself that I want to start talking

to other people again, but I'm just, I guess, nervous to put myself out there again. And I just don't like to sleep around, and I don't want to go back to like the God awful jack camera set. It just turns me off, and it does not make me want to even pursue another relationship. So, okay. I was just hoping you guys could give me some advice. I'm fine with being alone, but I just missed the connection that sex has to offer. Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. I got you. Well, I'm glad you were able to,

after your sexless marriage rebound and find, and know that there is great sex to be had. And you can feel really connected to someone and let go and it's possible for you. So that's actually really great. And I'm really thrilled that you've had that experience. So now where you're at is you're thinking, okay, I gotta start again.

It is kind of dating can be a drug. You're like, okay, I'm gonna boot up, I'm gonna go on a date. Now I gotta talk about my childhood, my brother's name, my parent, like it's just exhausting. And then you don't know, like I'm thinking about me like a jackhammer?

Like is it worth a fair share to stay home and watch TV so like I get where you're at I can feel that it's a lot so I think it would be great to say if we can set you up to start dating again meeting people in a way so you could show up and feel like it doesn't have to be a drag yeah and like you're really just going out to see it is there a connection with somebody you know maybe we could even get your place where you could figure out before you get into the bedroom, is this someone that could be an open, great lover for you? And I think there are ways to tell. We are an often thinking that way,

or you as you know, if you listen to the show, we don't often talk about sex. So tell me maybe you can start with how you are, how you are meeting people, or right now, or you just not looking, and you sort of like, well, I actually am going on a date tonight. Oh, this is fantastic. Yeah, so I mean, I'm very nervous and everything.

But yeah, it's been about six months since me and my expert got up. So I'm just ready to put myself out there, but I've just been really struggling to get the, you know, I'm really great at communication and I'm not afraid to say no in everything. And I feel like I communicate well with people that I feel comfortable with. It's just, I don't know, I just have this expectation that, of course, the date's going to lead to the bedroom and that's just where I'm just having this mental block of It's just stressful. I don't know if I want to do it Well, I have a question you say that that's typically your dates do lead to the bedroom I mean that way you would want or is there pressure of you how have you have you guys been texting ahead of time like because it could also just lead to a great conversation tonight

so Yes, that's true. Well, when I first got with my ex, it was, I was just kind of going out just to, you know, hook up. It was that was my expectation. Like we went to a concert and then it was like, oh, come to my house, you know, and now when I'm dating now, it's just kind of like, I don't want it to be like that. Okay. Because I'm just afraid that it's just kind of like, I don't want it to be like that. Okay.

Because I'm just afraid that it's just going to be, I just don't want to even get to the bedroom because of the fear of it just being awful. I got you. So what would be great Scott? What if we give her a little bit of a practice that she could do before she walks into the date tonight? So she feels the most embodied and present version of herself. Would you want to try something here with us, Jenna? I would love that. We're going to prep you for your date tonight. We're going to do a little date exercise.

Let's start with what is your fantasy date? What does the great date look like or good enough date look like? Let's start there and then we'll build into getting you fully ready. My good enough date would just be open communication and just being not being nervous, I guess. And I don't know, just being able to be my true self with this person. And having them be their true self with me too. Yeah, I love it. So what's worked for you in the past to be your true self? Right now, I imagine I'm talking to your true self, yeah? Yes.

So, I mean... My nervous true self. My nervous true self. I'm not nervous true self. You sound great. You sound great. I'd tell you, Emily would date you. So we're kind of dating you right now. So what's allowing you to perfect it? See, it's that easy. So what's

allowing you to be your authentic self in this moment with us? We're strangers. Yes, not seeing you guys face to face. Okay. That's true. And knowing that there's no expectations. Yeah. Okay, great. I think that's big. Yeah, so have you ever done a phone date before the actual date? I have not.

Oh, okay. That's, yeah. And I'm kind of getting, I'm getting, I'm new to this dating thing because I was with my ex-husband for 10 years. And then right after I got with my ex-boyfriend and it was a year of that. And it was my first relationship outside of marriage. So the whole dating thing, I just have not, I'm just not familiar with.

Yeah, yeah. So that's part of the nervousness is kind of the unfamiliar. Yeah, yeah that's part of the nervousness is kind of the unfamiliar. Yeah, okay. Yeah, absolutely. Okay So there's I'm asking because they will affect kind of the way we enter into a kind of a mindfulness practice next so part of some of the nervousness is you know face-to-face or what yeah and some of it's also or what, yeah. And some of it's also expectation it's been a while, not knowing quite what to expect or what to do on that first date.

Is that right? Absolutely, yep. Mm-hmm. So just some things like calling ahead, having like a five minute call, like what I call a check-in, is just hearing their voice. Have you heard his voice before?

I have not. So what if it was a very soothing voice on the other end of that call? What would that do for you? That would make me feel better, absolutely. And make me feel a little calmer. Yeah, and I noticed you just took a breath when you said that. Yeah.

So I'm going to assume by the depth of that breath that you actually feel just a little bit calmer in this moment. I do. I do. Great. So where do you feel that calmness in your body? My whole, my chest relax a little bit and I'm not as talkative anymore. I know when I get nervous. I talk fast, and I don't blow up my words. I get nervous. Yeah. So just noticing you did that. Yeah. You chest relaxed.

It feels like you don't have to fill the space with as many words, but the words that you get to fill the space with are probably more your authentic words. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And I'm just naming that because you had the capacity to do that. You did that in three seconds, actually.

And so I love that. I love that too. And I have no doubt that you're going to do that tonight. Imagine whether it's Emily's voice or my voice, if you don't do the call before, which is fine, but you can do the call before voice. If you don't do the call before which is fine But you can do the call before but if you don't imagine Yeah, I learned that during COVID when I was single and I was like oh wait I have to do a zoom date. Yeah, and I was like oh and and it just took the edge off of meeting in person

Which I mean it makes all most of us Yeah, it does. So if you can, yeah, so maybe you could call in beforehand, but if not just going into it with this state of calm and knowing that, you know, you said you like talking to us because there's no expectation, what if there's no expectation tonight of you that you have to do anything other than show up as your true authentic self in a calm place. You know, maybe do some breathing beforehand or, you know, is there any,

do you have any practice in your life that helps you feel more calm and connected? Oh, yes, I am really into yoga and meditating and journaling and all that. Oh, amazing. Oh my God. So you could do some of that tonight. Yeah.

Before you go out, you could sit in your car or if you're driving or in the Uber, I always try to do. Before I go on a date with someone, or even go into a meeting at the time, I really try to just take a few deep breaths and ground, and remember my intention, like, you know, your intention tonight, Jenna is to go make a new connection.

It's a practice, right? So this doesn't have to be anything other than you going out, getting back out there again, showing up is your authentic self without expectations, do anything and meet someone new. Yeah. Someone who, hopefully, is doesn't jackhammer in the bedroom and who's conscious, asked questions, right? Who makes you feel good? And so if you enter the date, front-ended body place where you're present and there's no expectation, And so if you enter the date, fronted body place where your president,

there's no expectation, you're gonna know if this is somebody that you maybe wanna see again. There's all the information is laid out for us on a date. Like how does he ask questions about you? How does he treat the weight staff? Yeah, yeah. You know how does he move through life?

Like I think we can tell a lot by somebody knowing how they'll be in the bedroom or how they'll be in the boardroom. You signs are there. It's a practice of learning how to recognize it in somebody. And if I can add one, yes, I think I overlook. Yeah, we all do, right? It's hard to see the red flags in the distance when we're just really nervous or we want to be pleasers. It's hard to see that stuff. But when we go in, you know, present. Yeah.

And if I can add, a first date doesn't mean we have to know if they're the one. In fact, I like to call this the warm up, a complete warm up of just going, am I having fun? Do you want to have what I would like to have fun with this person again? And like a date, the first date can be that. It's not, will I marry this person?

Do they meet all my values? What are their red flags? What are their parents like? Any of them. That stuff is not presents. No. That's like, gather, you know, that's like researching and trying to put it into something.

You don't. It's a whole other phase of dating. You're in the discovery, like, that's a discovery phase. You're in the discovery, like, that's a discovery phase. You're in the beginning warm-up phase of like, am I having fun? Yeah. Are they funny?

Am I even gonna wanna see the show? Yeah, yeah. Do they get to be naked with you? Could you see yourself naked with them? Yeah. And like, that's the practice, right? That's the part of it. That's the fun part.

You're like, he's lucky that I'm going to go into a six, spend spend the night with him, but like do I want to do this again? Yeah, would I buy tickets to the show again? Right? Like are we making this a good time? Like it's not right? And then we refrain that but it's less about do they like me and will I want this? It's like we just want to know if you could have a good time with this guy and feel safe and have a good meal or a good drink. Yeah, and then see what happens from there. Absolutely. You are the gatekeeper of your body. I just want to remind you. And so like this whole first day, this warm up, absolutely.

It's like, am I having fun? Are they cool enough? And then I like, I have all, you have all the power and all the choice in this way. You really do. Absolutely. Yes. I totally agree. Jenna, I think you're ready to go. I can't wait to hear about it.

I'm ready for that. I'm going to rock this day. I'm going to live in less nervous now. Good. I love it. You just got to show up and then be yourself. Yeah. Be present and then go home and journal.

I love that you journal because sometimes our mind tricks us. And I know if I don't write to found things after I forget or I'll read you know so I think to go home and say how did I feel? What felt good? What would I want to do again? What wouldn't I want to do again and just get clear and do your practices and then maybe you'll get another date? Maybe not. But you've just gone on a date and showed up in the way that you want to. Which is what we're all about here. Okay. Yeah, I absolutely agree. And this is beautiful. Okay, good. And then when you find someone that you feel safe with and you want to go out, then we can talk about the sex spread. I absolutely agree. I can test it on a full. Okay. Good. And then when you find someone that you feel safe with and you want to go out, then we can

talk about the sex, but I think you already be set up because there wasn't this, oh, I got to go perform and do something. You'll have a knowing and a trust if it does go to the next place or the next date, right? So just take your time and have fun. Yeah. One step at a time. Yes. That's it.

Jenna, you got this. We appreciate you, Jenna. Have a great time tonight. Have a great time. We'll be thinking about you. Thank you very much. I'll let you know how it goes. Okay, bye, Jenna. Thanks.

Dr. Scott, I love the reframing of getting people to take control. They're in charge of their destiny and definitely that date. People have such nerves around dating. So I just love the practice of like, let's get them in their bodies, being calm, being present. Also, a little nervousness is fine. You're meeting someone new. It just means I don't know what's about to happen.

When you remember that you actually have a lot of capacities to navigate the unknown, you have the power and the nervousness, which together is kind of a bit of excitement. Yeah, it's a great partner with our nervousness is to know that I'm nervous, but I'm going to be okay. Yeah. Because the nervous anxiety could also take you down that self-diff the spiral, right? So I don't think she's going to spiral tonight. No, I think she's going to be great.

I know. I'm feeling great about Jenna. I know. Me too. I think that there's so much to say about taking off the pressure of what a first date is or the first couple of dates, because when we put so much pressure on what it could mean, or if they're the one, then we're so stuck in that sort of fantasy and the pedestal in and all the comparisons, as opposed to like, how's it feel in my body next to them? Like when I said X-D-M-L-L, I am zealous. I am buzzing.

Like that's a sign that I'm like, I want more of that. Yeah, absolutely. And it's there for everyone we meet, right? Our friendships are dating life. We don't think about that. I think that it's so set up. The first date is a performance. It's a representation of your best version of yourself and people do go in with these checklists and all these things that it's just the opposite of being truly

present and letting something unfold. Ditch that checklists. All will reveal itself over time. And it doesn't have to happen on the first time. And having fun can just be great too. And you can make a new friend. And maybe that person's not your person but they've got a friend for you. That's happened to me, that's happened to other friends. I've gone out with people and like, you're not my person but I know who would be like, how wonderful if you've a good rapport with someone, that's fine. Like the first date doesn't mean, you have to mean so much. I guess what you're saying is that we put so much pressure on ourselves. It's forgetting night out with someone new. Yeah. Speak it fun. Yeah. Dr. Scott Lines, thank you so much for being here. We're such a gift having you help all of our listeners today. Oh, such a pleasure. And I just I love hanging out with you and connecting with your listeners and

you're so brilliant, Emily. You're so brilliant. Right, back at you, Scott. Where could people find you and follow our magic? Yeah, I'm on the socials at Dr. Scott Lines, DR Scott Lines, or my website is DrScottLines.com. Okay, great. Thank you. You're welcome. Okay. Thank you. You're welcome. That's it for today's episode, see you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review

where every listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. A go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. Was it good for you? email me feedback at sexwithemlead.com