Sex With Emily - Hotline Calls: I’m Tired of “Vanilla” Sex

Episode Date: December 12, 2023

On today’s Hotline show, I take your calls about having sex talks like: How to relax into oral sex and give your partner tips to make you scream. Or telling a partner you want your vanilla sex to be a little spicier. And how to tell your partner: “you know what? I need to be seduced a little before we jump into penetration.” If we can talk about sex like we talk about dinner, everyone wins! So take a listen to this Best Of episode, and see if your next sex talk is a little bit easier. In this episode, you’ll also learn:All about the Kivin MethodWhether age gaps really matter in relationshipsHow to share sex toys safelySee the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.Show Notes:2023 Holiday Gift Guide: My Top Picks for the Hottest Holidays Ever2023 Shop With Emily Gift GuideSexy Stocking Stuffers & How to Use ThemWhy You Should Try Anal (& How to Do it the Right Way) FirmTech (bundle the Tech Ring with a 1:1 consultation and save $230 with code EMILY)Best Of: Oral Sex Master ClassEverybody Loves OralMind-Blowing Oral Sex in Under 5 Minutes: The Kivin MethodSex With Emily Vesper Vibrating NecklaceSHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69)The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureWant more? Sex With Emily: HomeLet’s get social: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok Let’s text: Sign Up HereWant me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Because I'm hearing that he just walks in the room and starts to touch you and you're not turned on. Maybe you're not fully connected to him. Maybe that's what you need. For me personally, I know that I'm the most connected by part of what we've achieved with top-bought-our-day. I want to feel connected. Unless I haven't seen my partner in a while, most of the time I'm going to need other

things happening. It's like my warm-up, it's my foreplay. You know, I have to say that foreplay starts after last or doesn't. What have you guys been doing to connect since the last time you had sex? You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. On today's hotline show, I take your calls about having sex talks

like telling a partner you want your vanilla sex to be a little spicier, how to relax into oral sex and give your partner tips to make you scream, and how to tell your partner, you know what, I need to be seduced a little before we jump into penetration.

If we can talk about sex like we talk about dinner, everyone wins. So take a listen to this best of episode and see if your next sex talk is a little bit easier. Please rate review sex with Emily wherever you listen to this show, your review of the podcast helps get this show out to so many more people so they can be having better sex like you. And this review comes from Shanorama. She writes,

Great podcast, five stars. Emily is a great host, lots of variety of sex advice, Q&A, and it's very open to all relationship types. Just found the podcast recently, but I'm trying to go back to check out a ton of missed episodes. Well, thank you, Shan, and Arama. I so appreciate your review, and I'm so happy you found the podcast.

Welcome to the Sex with Emily family. My new articles, sexy stocking stuffers, and why you should try anal and how to do it the right way are up on sexwithemily.com. We also have a brand new guide on my website all about sex positions with illustrations and descriptions so you do not want to miss this one. You can check it out at sexwithemily.com slash guides or just find it our show notes. And if you haven't seen them yet, I have two holiday gift guides out right now,

which I'm super proud of. We work really hard on these gift guides to make shopping that much easier for you. So once I'm a sex with on the website, the other gift guide is at my shop with Emily's site. It has all of my go to sex type racks to give the gift of pleasure this season. So you can find that one at shopsexatlamy.com

and I will link both in the show notes. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. I have a secret to share. It is a secret so small yet so powerful, it's really gonna blow your mind. I'm talking about the magic wand micro. I didn't even believe that this was real. I got in the mail, it's like, oh, cute, they sent me a Christmas ornament.

No, it is actually a workable, incredible Magic Wand. It is the micro. It's not even the mini, it's even smaller. Okay, I know what you're thinking. Micro, how can something so small pack the punch that we've come to expect from the Magic Wand? Well let me tell you, this little guy is a game changer. It's like they took the power of a full size Magic Wand, somehow shrink wrapped it and zapped it down to a pocket size powerhouse. This tiny Titan is only 4.5 inches long, but don't let the size fool you. It's got higher rotations per minute than any other magic wand. Every edges are whopping 6,500 RPM.

The micro is actually faster than its bigger cousins. Okay, but it's not just about speed. The magic wand micro offers three different speeds and four vibration patterns, giving you this range of options to find your perfect vibe. And the best part, it's all controlled by two intuitive push buttons, making it as easy to use as it is powerful. The best part, the Magic One Micro is USB rechargeable, which is a dream.

You don't have to carry around a bunch of extra chargers. And this gives you up to three hours of runtime on a single charge. That's a lot of power to have in your pocket. So if you're ready to experience the power of the Magic Wand in a compact, portable size head over to shop, sexwithemily.com slash Magic Wand and get your Magic Wand micro today. But you gotta hurry because these little power arouses are selling fast faster than I could have imagined.

So don't wait, go to shopsexwithemily.com slash Magic Wand. Do it right now. Hi, my name is Abby. I'm 20 from Idaho. I have a question about receiving oral. I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years and I can't tell if I like it or not. He likes giving it to me and I like the idea of it, but maybe he's the first, I've ever had sex with, he's the first one who I've ever received oral from. So I just can't tell if maybe it's something that we need to just like try more,

or it's almost not worth it doing it, because like sometimes I find pleasure from it, but sometimes it does it really, give me find pleasure from it but sometimes it does it really give me there or it gets me there too fast sometimes I don't understand something I'd like to be more curious about. Thank you. Alright Abby thank you so much for your question. Okay listen my first oral sex experience when I was 20 years old at the University of Michigan my boyfriend went down to me and I was like he tried to go down to me I was 20 years old at the University of Michigan, my boyfriend went down to me and I was like,

he tried to go down to me. I was like, what are you doing? This doesn't feel good. I don't understand it. Do you really want to be doing this? You know, isn't this dirty? Isn't it wrong? I didn't know how to even take it in

and how to feel it and how to experience it. Sounds like you're a little more evolved than I was. You're actually letting him do it. I think I stopped him completely, but you're letting him do it. And you're feeling your way through it. It's a new experience completely. And also not to knock your boyfriend, but I'm going to guess he probably doesn't have a lot of experience doing it either.

So it might not feel the best. It's going to feel in your life. In fact, I'm going to tell you that sorrel sex can be an incredible act. And the majority of all the owners remember are going to have their most pleasure and most orgasms from oral sex fingers or toys. That said, I think we just need a little bit more time with you kind of relaxing into it, breathing, maybe guiding him and letting him know what feels good and what doesn't. I'm also curious what your experience is with pleasure and with orgasm knowing your own

body. Have you spent time masturbating, touching yourself? Do you know where your hot spots are in your body? Do you know what feels particularly good for you? What doesn't feel good for you? So really this is a collaboration between you and your partner. And so he's probably doing what he's seen in porn. And the other challenge about oral sex is that everyone's body is different.

Every single vulva is a different vulva and likes different things. Like I learned through my masturbation that the upper left quadrant of my vulva, like on the left side of my clitoris, is more sensitive than the right. For you, Abby, it might be your right and not your left. How fun we get to really get granular and figure out what feels good to us. Now there might be something with your partner, like I love that he's so enthusiastic, but maybe you guys could slow it down and say, you know what?

I'm really trying to pinpoint where it feels good and where it doesn't and I've found that for me this learning process has really been helpful when I go slow My partner goes slow. I breathe and since the clitoris is so sensitive the vulva there's 8,000 nerve endings that It really is a wonderful practice to kind of slow down and see how each touch feels, how the tongue feels, different licks, different moves. You remember you can also use his fingers that's really helpful. That could feel great or all sex isn't just about the mouth. Also, just take the pressure off yourself that your sister should feel something in particular, like there's a particular outcome. So right now, when you're learning just to receive because that's a whole other art of oral is receiving oral

because most of us own our heads going, oh my god, do they really want to be there? Do I smell? Is my labia weird? Yeah, am I going to orgasm? Am I not going to orgasm? What are they doing? And then guess what happened when you are in your head and you're like cycling all these thoughts through head, you are so far from your body and you're so far being in your body and feeling what feels good. So take the pressure off, don't look for an outcome and just breathe and feel into what feels good and communicate with your partner. Now, we've a ton of resources about giving and receiving oral sex on a VOLVA. Check out our podcast A plus oral sex for VOLVAs and everybody loves oral.

Two great podcasts to start with. We also have articles that break down things like the Kiven method. Gosh, I don't want I'm not going to get into it here, but the Kiven method. Just go to our website. Check out this article. Everything that I mentioned is in the show notes, but the Kiven method is a game changer. I mentioned about seven years ago on the show for the first time and it's particularly for oral sex and verbal owners and all you all emailed me. I've never received so many emails in my life. And DMs people were like, this was a game changer. My partner had orgasm for the first time. It felt amazing. So check it out. K-I-V-I-N or check out the show notes. Thanks for your question. You got this Abby. Hi, my name's Tino. I'm a 29-year-old non-binary person calling in from Colorado.

And I had a question about using the same vibrator for multiple partners. I'm Pauli Amoris. And I was recently hanging out with some Tino friends and I was talking about getting like a best bird, like a little necklace vibrator, just so I could have that on hand, you know, if anything ever gets spicy. And they were all like, oh no, like you can't use the same toy on multiple people. And I was really curious to hear a perspective from an expert about that, like the do's and don'ts, like even if you sanitize things, if it's kind of taboo to do so, thank you so much.

All right, Tino, thank you so much for your question and I love this question because you know, there's a lot of us who are experiencing more with multiple partners. And what do you supposed to do? Get a toy for every partner that you meet, but I understand this is not as commonly known that you actually can share toys across partners because there's such a stigma with it. To be honest, I was there before too. I was like, oh my God, I don't want you to whip out a toy that's been in someone else's vulva or someone else's anus.

Ooh, and it doesn't feel personal and it kind of gets you out of the mood. But here's the truth of the matter is that there are some risks, okay? Let me just say this, there are risks of searing toys, like you can get an STI if you don't clean the toys properly, but listen, if you clean your toys before and after, remember, you have to clean your toys again, even if you clean them last time they can collect dust, which could also contribute to infection.

And then you store them, you're gonna be fine Now, to be extra safe, you can use condoms with your toys and make sure you use the right kind of cleaner for whatever the material is. You can buy a specific toy cleaner. We have some on our site in our shop. Or you could just use a damp cloth with some regular hand soap. But here are some cleaning basics. Anytime you get semen or vaginal secretions or fluids, anything under a body part or a device, that can be spread to other people. So this can be a hygienic or safety concern.

So body safe devices though, leg vibrators are made from non-porous materials that can be sanitized, like silicone glass, you know, pyrex stainless steel. So again, you want to clean before and after. So since these are non-porus materials, you're going to be okay with the right cleaning. Another thing you can do is separate them from, you know, in plastic containers or in cloth bags, which is another way to cut down on them touching each other. So, if you are concerned about multiple devices, you could take a day and decide which toy

belongs to who, but I really, really think that if you have a conversation with your partners, you let them know that it's clean that you're seeing other people, because if you're poly, they know this as well. They know they're probably seeing other people that it's just a matter of getting over that hump of like, ew, are they sanitized or they're clean? And I think once you assure them that you're taking proper measures that, you know, these toys are clean and sanitized, you know, what to do, then maybe they'll be able to relax and get out of their head and into their body when you're playing with them with all these wonderful toys. Really, just a matter of communication

and being hygienic. Thanks for your question, Tino. I appreciate it. Hi, Dr. Emily. My name is Andrew from Washington State. In my 30s, me and my wife had been married for 10 years. We're both the only people who have ever been with and over the last couple of years in our life, the end of the bedroom has been still or non-existent. Maybe once a month if we're lucky and then also it's pretty vanilla pretty boring. I want to be a little bit more adventurous. She's very not. Thank you. Bye. Andrew, welcome to Being Married for 10 Years. Welcome to Being Married for a while or a committed relationship for a while. your sex life is going to get

a little bit stale. In fact, I'd be hard-pressed to fight a couple that doesn't have this challenge unless they've been listening to the show for a long time and they understand that prioritizing your pleasure, prioritizing talking about sex to your partner is probably one of the most important conversations you can have. So you're not alone, nothing's wrong, and let's start where you're at. So first I wanna know, how was your sex life in the beginning of the relationship?

Did you guys have had sex, were you really connected to each other? You know, was it a little bit more exciting in the beginning? Help the answers, yes. Help the answers, yes. That's why we are with somebody. We're with somebody because usually the sex was amazing in the beginning.

And then over time, we get set in our ways. We focus on our careers or family or other things. And we just kind of forget about the sex. And then it's hard to get back to it. Or it's hard to even make it exciting again. Because remember, honeymoon sex is the best sex early on. You know, it's all new. You've never been with this person before.

You've never touched this person's body before. So now we gotta start thinking about what can you guys do to make it a little bit more interesting right now? Have you ever talked to her about your sex life? Have you ever had a conversation and said, God, I would love to prioritize our sex life. I'd love to know some of your biggest turn-ons,

your turn-offs, what's work for you. You know, let's be great lovers to each other. So that's where this starts. Here's how it doesn't start. Gosh, our sex life is super boring lately. Feels really vanilla, don't you think so? Because where do you go from there? Then she feels bad, she's made it vanilla, oh my god, it's my fault. Well, a lot of us do that. I would probably do that. Start shaming and blame yourself. So if you start from a positive angle, again, using my three T's of communication outside the bedroom, not right after you just had boring sex again.

That's not the time to do it. It's like, you know, baby, I'm thinking about us. God, I love you. I try the compliment sandwich. Love the compliment sandwich. Compliment sandwich, I try to do the wonderful compliment about your sex life. Hey, you know, I've just been thinking about our 10 years together.

And, you know, you can mention something that you do love about your sex life. God, it, you know, I just loved watching you come out of the shower the other day. It was so hot to look at your body. And I think about sex with you all the time. That's the positive part of the sandwich. That's the first layer bread in the middle part is where you give a little love feedback. You make a request and you say, it's really hot.

And I have been listening to this podcast lately. I've been reading up on relationships and I realize that I would love to continue to really have hot, incredible sex for the rest of our lives the next 10 years, the next 30 years. And I would love if we could start to talk about some things that we both want to try in the bedroom and start to prioritize some fun different things. And you could even talk about listening to the show. I have a podcast we should listen to together. I was listening to this podcast and I realized that the majority of couples their sex life continues

to evolve and grow and become even more intimate, sexy talk about sex. And I realized we never talked about sex. So that will be your request in the middle. And then the final piece of bread in our compliments sandwich is because I really think if we start having talks, prioritizing our pleasure, exploring and trying new things, we're going to have a sex life that's going to be next level and really enhance our relationship and I can't wait to try things. Are you open? And I want you to be prepared that she might push back. She might say, you don't

like our sex life. Are you not attracted to me anymore? Are you dating someone else? Is there someone else in the picture? What I do wrong? Are you watching a lot of porn? Because remember people, when you bring up sex in a relationship where you've never talked about it, right? I don't care if it's 10 months, 10 years, you know, you've been together for 50 years. If you have never talked about it, the first time you do, your partner's going to go into a little panic. They're going to go into a little fight or flight. They're going to wonder like, why hasn't this come up before?

What is the problem? It's danger because sex is so scary for so many of us. Terrifying. Our partner brings up sex like sound off the alarm. This is a problem. So you might have to reassure her. You probably haven't talked about it either. So this is new for you. So you could say, babe, I just want you to know that this is new for me. This is really uncomfortable. But for what I've gathered, it's really important for

us to work on this together to get through this hump and just continue to reassure her that you think this is something that once we get past all this shame and the blocks, actually the truth is, once you learn to make this sex life more interesting for both of you and an evolving part of your relationship, it really is going to enhance every other part of your relationship. I see this time and time again because what's actually been missing is this excitement and the thrill that comes from having really connected sex And so maybe resentments have built up maybe One or both of you sort of started a dread bedtime because you know that like sex is gonna happen It might not be very good or it's kind of boring because believe me. She knows this as well

She knows there's something up with your sex life. You haven't quite addressed yet Once you do it becomes a project. It becomes a new hobby. It becomes a fun part of your relationship that you're gonna start to rebuild or maybe for the first time create together. You like co-creating a new sexual experience together, which I find very, very exciting and very thrilling.

So I'm excited for you to start to have new conversations about your turn on, your turn off. So yes, no, maybe Liz, listen to the podcast together, watching some ethical porn, like whatever fodder you need. So you guys can both start making decisions about where you want your sex life to go. It's going to be helpful for your next level of your relationship and your sex life. Thank you so much for your question, Andrew.

And please give me posted you guys. There's nothing I love more than hearing your stories. This is from Michelle 47 and she said, Dr. Emily, I recently discovered your podcast and Spotify and you give me so much to think about and talk about in my relationship with my boyfriend. I'm 47. He's 56. We've been dating for a year and a half. Sex has been amazing, but now I'm finding ways to change things up. One of the common things I'm getting from your podcast is the importance of communication and its effects on sex.

I love the three teas, and I was mindful of them when I had a frank talk with him last night. I also brought up listening to your podcast, and I was curious if he would like to try sex without penetration. We had amazing sex this morning, without penetration and both of us orgasmed. Win-win, thank you. So to me, that's like, she listened, it helped her, these tips that I'm telling you.

So you guys, let me know, drop me a note, email me, feedback at sexwithelm.com. Let me know it's going because we're all invested in your journey. Don't go away. I'm putting you in hold for just a few moments while we take a quick break for our sponsors. But before I go, real quick, firm tech.

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All right, we'll be right back. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ I have a secret to share. It is a secret so small yet so powerful, it's really gonna blow your mind. I'm talking about the magic wand micro. I didn't even believe that this was real. I got in the mail, it's like,

oh, cute, they sent me a Christmas ornament. No, it is actually a workable, incredible magic wand. It is the micro. It's not even the mini, it's even smaller. Okay, I know what you're thinking. Micro, how can something so small pack the punch that we've come to expect from the Magic Wand? Well, let me tell you, this little guy is a game changer.

It's like they took the power of a full size Magic Wand, somehow shrink wrapped it and zapped it down to a pocket size powerhouse. This tiny Titan is only four and a half inches long, but don't let the size fool you. It's got higher rotations per minute than any other Magic Wand. Every edges are whopping 6500 RPM. The micro is actually faster than its bigger cousins. Okay, but it's not just about speed. The Magic Wand Micro offers three different speeds and four vibration patterns, giving you this range of options to find your perfect vibe.

And the best part, it's all controlled by two intuitive push buttons, making it as easy to use as it is powerful. The best part, the Magic One Micro, is USB rechargeable, which is a dream. You don't have to carry around a bunch of extra chargers. And this gives you up to three hours of runtime on a single charge. That's a lot of power to have in your pocket. So if you're ready to experience the power of the Magic Wand in a compact, portable size head over to shop, sexwithemily.com slash Magic Wand and get your Magic Wand micro today. But you gotta hurry because these little power arouses are selling fast faster than I could have imagined. So don't wait go to shopsectorwithemily.com slash Magic wand. Do it right now. I'm gonna let you in on something

that might just make your holidays season brighter. More gasms, CBD, arousal gel. Okay, if you've never used an arousal gel before, get ready to get obsessed. So here's what you do. You just take a little bit and you rub it on your vulva or your penis to matter what your body bar before sex. When you know stuff's going to go down maybe you're fooling around you're making out and then you'll start to feel it and it will start to enhance every sensation for both you and your partner because what it does is it boosts blood flow. It reduces inflammation and it really is stimulating the body at a physiological level just right where you apply it. So it's hitting all

those nerve endings. And not to worry because orgasms gel is all natural, water-based, and packed with really great ingredients like alargenine, for example. And that enhances sexual responsiveness for both lava and penis owners. And listen, I've heard from a lot of you, orgasm also stimulates more intense orgasms, which makes sense because it's CBD infused. Think of it like a 3-in-1. It's a lubricant, and a rousal gel, and a really healthy CBD product. But it just gets better, because orgasms having a site-wide holiday sale, from now until

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Just go to morgasm.com that's morgsm.com for up to 45% off site-wide and use code Emily at checkout for an extra 15% off. Happy holidays and here's to a season filled with joy, love and plenty of pleasure. Hey Emily, this is Bobby from Chesapeake, Virginia, and I'm 27 years old. And my question for you, Emily, is I have been getting with a older woman. She has kids. She has a 16 year old and a three year old. I am like the happiest I've ever been. Because in my age, millennials don't have the drive that I have. I found that in this older woman

and she's beautiful and it's the best sex I've ever had, but is it wrong? Is age just a number? Listen to you show all the time. Thank you. Bye-bye. Thank you so much for your question Bobby. You sound so happy Bobby and I totally get why this is so exciting for you. Being with an older woman is incredible. So that's who's a young man. Gosh, what we've learned, how we know our bodies, how we know the advocate where we want. Like, there is nothing like a woman in her sexuality and exesity, especially a woman who knows herself.

Right? So I get it. I don't think you're doing anything wrong. I think you are having a wonderful experience right now that you will remember for the rest of your life. You're probably going from it. She's getting a lot from it. But there have been studies that have shown that a 10 years or fewer years is ideal for an age gap. And when you get to 10 years or more, there's just poses more challenges. You grew up in a different generation. You have different values. You might want to have kids. She's already poses more challenges. You grew up in a different generation. You have different values.

You might want to have kids. She's already had her kids. It can be just hard to relate with the day-to-day life challenges and life experiences when there is such a massive age gap. It's not that it is wrong anyway. It just shows that we like to kind of be with people who like to do the same things that we like

to do is we get older our goals might be different. So think about it. Like, what do you both want first? Have you talked about it? Is it a short term relationship? Is it a long term relationship? Maybe it's just kind of a fun thing right now. That's great.

But if it's long term, have you talked about what your goals are? Do you want the same things? Because at the end of the day, that's what relationships are about. You know, she went over tire in 15, 20 years and do you want to continue to work? Do you guys like to spend your weekends in the same way? Can I just say that? I think such a great test of knowing

if a partner is compatible with us is like, do we both have the same idea of a perfect Saturday? If we have a Saturday that's free, do we want to do the same things? Think about those things. And the children thing we've already covered that. If you want children, I'm pretty sure she's probably already done having kids, although I don't know. And if your friends and family met her, now I'm not saying you need to go off with what your friends and family think, but I think it's important to just kind of bring her around people that you love and meet her people and just see like any other relationship. Do we get along?

Do we like each other's friends and family? Do they support us? So again, I don't think that this is inherently right or wrong. A lot of times our chronological age is different than our perceived age. Like I definitely feel like I am 20 years younger than I am. And maybe that's really what matters. Maybe your energetic age is more compatible right now. So maybe you guys do have a lot of great interests that are shared. I wouldn't overthink this. Sounds like you have

in a great time and you're really into it, but continue to have your eyes open and have those conversations and make sure that you guys are continue to be on the same page while also enjoying this really fun, lust full, exciting phase. So studies have shown that heterosexual couples with large age gaps had a faster declining relationship satisfaction in the first six to 10 years of marriage than similarly age couples. So couples with an age gap of one to three years

with a man older than the woman were the most common and had greatest levels of satisfaction. And then relationship satisfaction decreased for couples with age gaps of four to six years and continued to decrease for couples with an age gap of seven or more years. So those are the stats, but also I really want you

to do you and pay attention to what works for both of you right now. All right, thanks for your question. It's a great one. I love to hear from all of you. Are you in relationships with an age gap that is actually working for you or didn't work for you and why? I love to hear from you.

Hi Emily. This is Tracy. I am 50-year-old female and I am in South Florida. And my two-part question is, how can I get my husband of four years who's 53 to be more romantic with me before sex. He just usually goes right into it and starts touching me without kissing or anything. I need a little more than that. I need some for it by which he doesn't do so well. And secondly, how can I increase my sex drive?

I notice at 50 and even for the past few years, it's been way, way, way, way down. Thanks, bye. Thank you so much for your question, Tracy. All right, so it's something you and your husband just need a little bit of reset here. And so it is common to get into routine where your husband walks in, he kind of

grope you for a few minutes and then like, sticks it in, pumps away, roll over, watch TV, and that doesn't work for many Volvo owners. Four play is important. You know, four plays isn't just a suggestion like, oh, four play would be nice if you get around to it. No, no, four play is actually a requirement because the majority of Volvo owners need time to warm up.

We need time to get turned on in the mood and what happens with a lot of penis owners on all of them, but many, is that, you know, that their arousal and desire is a little more spontaneous. So in the moment, he gets hit, struck with this attraction for you and you just watch you so he just comes in, he starts going and you're like,

I'm not even ready right now, I'm not even thinking about sex. So we need to first figure out is, when are you in the mood for sex? Think back to when you were feeling a little bit more turned on and you felt like your sex drive was where you wanted to be. What was happening prior to that? We all have to become experts in our own sexual history, our own sex drives. Like, do you know the times when you were turned on? What did your partner do preceding that? What were you doing?

Was the house really clean? Were the kids napping? Did you just have a great day at work? Were you coming home from a workout? Did you have a great meal? Did you not have a great meal? Because then you weren't full. Like really think about where was your mind body spirit when you were turned on?

You know, the last few times or the majority of times. This is how we start to become like little inspectors or detectives and we're like, okay, well, this is all the things I need to have in place. So I am turned on. And then you get to communicate that with your partner or you get to figure it out together. So again, this starts with a communication about your sex life outside the bedroom. Using my three T's of communication or just letting him know like our sex life is so important. I've noticed like the last few years,

you know, telling the truth, like my sex drive isn't what it once was. I love you, I honor our sex life. We gotta make it a priority. And I'm also trying to figure out what's really gonna get me in the mood, what's gonna get me turned on. And I'm thinking I need more than you walking in the room and touching me in a way that's seriously babe,

I'm finding that doesn't really do it for me. So would you wanna go on a journey with me right now? Well, I figure out what my turnons actually are and what gets me there. That would be the way that I would frame that with him. But also, let's talk about your sex drive. Okay, so it is known that certain age, things change, our hormones start to fluctuate.

You know, parimenopause for women can be like a 10, 15 year process, starting in the late 30s, going to the early 50s. Gosh, that's even more than that. It could be 15 years. But no one really talks about it that much, not enough. There's some more information coming out these days, but it's like this secret part of women's life. We just

just silently suffer through this period in our life where our body changes. We might feel like we're a little bit drier. We have less lubrication. We are less turned on. Sex can get painful. We have, you know, our desire isn't what it once was. Just normalizing that first off. Gosh, I really want to normalize that. And then think about it. Like some reasons why you might have a low sex drive. So common culprits are your hormones. Have you had your hormones checked? Are you particularly stressed out about anything?

Are you on any medications? Medications, no matter what are age, like antidepressants, huge impact on our sex drive. Are you depressed? How's your sleep? Anything going out, intimacy, any resentments in the relationship about money or drive overall, just like, you know, what is going on?

Are you guys making time for intimacy in other ways? Are you having date night? There have been like really comprehensive studies that have shown that couples who say once a week it's our non-negotiable, it's our date night, we're not doing anything else, we're not canceling it. It's the most important thing of our week have shown that their relationships flourish in other ways, like making time for just the two of you so you feel particularly connected.

Because I'm hearing that he just walks in the room and starts to touch you and you're not turned on. Maybe you're not feeling connected to him. Maybe that's what you need. For me personally, I know that I'm the most connected part of what you've a chance to like talk about our day. Share something that's been going on lately. I want to feel connected. Unless I haven't seen my partner in a while, you know, most of the time I'm going to need other things happening. It's like my warm-up. It's my foreplay. You know, I happen to say that foreplay starts after the last orgasm. What have you guys been doing to connect since the last time you had sex?

Mastervation is an important part two of getting our sex drive where we want it to be because sex beget sex. So the more orgasms we have, the more pleasure we have, the more connected we are to sex and orgasm, the more we're going to want to have. So Tracy, those are just some things to be thinking about. Get curious, become an expert in your own sex drive and your own sex life because then you can be the best advocate for yourself. And this is just something that you get to work out with your partner. It's a new fun thing you guys can share together and figuring out how you can have sex that is equally satisfying, desirable, and pleasurable for both of you. Thanks for your to Sex with Emily.

Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life,

dating, or relationships, call my hotline, 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. I to sexwithemily.com-ask-emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the sex with Emily Podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. I'm going to let you know something that might just make your holidays season brighter. More gasms, CBD, or rousal gel.

Okay, if you've never used an arousal gel before, get ready to get obsessed. So here's what you do. You just take a little bit and you rub it on your vulva or your penis to matter what your body bark before sex. When you know stuff's going to go down, maybe you're fooling around, you're making out, and then you'll start to feel it. And it will start to enhance every sensation for both you and your partner. Because what it does is it boosts blood flow.

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Think of it like a 3-in-1. It's a lubricant and arousal gel and a really healthy CBD product. But it just gets better, because morgasm is having a 3-in-1. It's a lubricant, a rousal gel, and a really healthy CBD product. But it just gets better, because more gasm is having a site-wide holiday sale from now until December 14th with up to 45% off everything. And because we're in the season of giving, more gasm is offering an additional 15% off your order when you use the code Emily at checkout. That's right, you heard it, you can get up to 55% off on pre-discounted bundles. So, slip something a little extra under the tree this year. Give the gift of Morgasm CBD

Rousal Gel. Just go to Morgasm.com, that's morgsm.com, for up to 45% off site-wide, and use code Emily at checkout for an extra 15% off. Happy holidays holidays and here's to a season filled with joy, love, and plenty of pleasure. I have a secret to share. It is a secret so small yet so powerful, it's really gonna blow your mind. I'm talking about the Magic Wand Micro. I didn't even believe that this was real. I got in the mail, it's like, oh, cute, they sent me a Christmas ornament. No, it is actually a workable, incredible magic wand. It is the micro. It's not even the mini, it's even smaller.

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