Sex With Emily - Hotline Calls: Micropenis, Deal Breakers & Sexsomnia

Episode Date: September 8, 2021

So you want sex on the daily, but as for your partner? Not really. Not to worry! Today’s hotline calls episode takes a look at mismatched sex drives, and what might actually be behind them. We’re also diving into penis size, pleasure, and communication. There are so many ways to enjoy a penis - but first, ya gotta talk about what you BOTH want.We’re also tackling a case of sexsomnia (aka having sex in your sleep), and how to make eye contact during sex (when you’re awake). If you’d like to ask me a question, you can call me anytime and leave a voicemail: 559-TALK-SEX (559-825-5739).Show Notes:Episode: First Date, First Orgasm, First Threesome Find an EMDR therapist: EMDRIA.orgFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

He's everything I could want from a personality perspective. However, we do have a little bit of a problem because he has a micro-pina as I think. I'm still going to stick by what I always say that it's really not about your penis size. The challenge is somebody who isn't willing to communicate about your sex life. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So you want sex all the time. But your partner? Not so much. Well, not to worry, today's

hotline calls episode takes a look at mismatched sex drives and why may it actually be behind them. We also dive into penis-sized pleasure and communication because there's so many ways to enjoy a penis, but first, you gotta talk about what you both want. We also tackle a case of sex-somnia, you know, like having sex in your sleep, and how to make eye contact during sex when you're awake. You're in love today's episode, and I love talking to all of you. All right, intentions with Emily for each episode join me in setting an attention for the

show. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of the episode? Well, my intention is to let you know you get to choose who you want to be as a sexual being, and once you decide, you will find your people and your community. I promise. Also, remember to rate and review the podcasts wherever you listen. And if you want to ask me a question on the show, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559-5739. You can also message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily.

We have Rachel, 32 in Colorado. Hi, Rachel. Hi, Emily. How are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm good. I love what you do. Thank you. How can I help you? I have a higher libido than my partner. And for me, it's really hurtful to ask for sex or try to initiate and to be told, no, for whatever reason I'm too tired or what have you. And that said, I mean, the sex is great. It's really incredible. And I think,

you know, part of it is he's a little bit older than I am. And I'm just kind of in my sexual primate 32. And I understand like late 20s to mid late 30s is like that peak for women. And he's 41 and he's also on depression medication. So that's that's an aspect of it. So, um, yeah, lots of factors, but at a high level, but, you know, the difference in libido is, is what I want to talk about. Yeah, but the difference in libido is what I want. That's a big one. Yeah, that's a really, that is a big one. And they often say, yeah, you're like 20s,

or like 30s, late 30s is when you have a high-secure. It varies for person person. But you know yourself, this is where you are. And his libido is at matching years. That's what's going on right now. And you have been with him for six months? Six months, yeah. We were friends for a couple of years

and we're actually long distance. So when you do see each other, because usually a lot of times long distance is like, we are together for a weekend or a week and we have sex the whole time, you know? I know. Have you talked to him about it? Definitely. I mean, the communication is so good. In the beginning of the relationship,

he was like, ideally, like, he really was interested in starting to talk about sex pretty quickly. Great. Initially, I was a little bit resistant because I was like, I really want to like develop the emotional piece of the relationship before we go there. But yeah, I mean, he asked me like, how often would you want to have sex? And I told him like, every day when we're together. And he was like, really, that's not what I've, you know, known before. At the time, he seemed like on board for that. And like, but then, you know, when we've been together, it's like, I'm wanting it just about every day. And he's maybe like four times a week or so. So there's a bit of discrepancy there. Okay, let's go with what when you are having sex those four days. How is it? It's great. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, and I told him at one point a couple of months ago, like I feel like I'm having a sexual awakening right now. Like I had kind of squirted before we got together, but like with him, like I squirt just that every time. I tried anal with him for the first time because he's super into it and I am obsessed with it. Great. Yeah, the sex is amazing and something that's really important for me is I hate the monotony of sexuality, which I've had with some partners before, where it's kind of getting to a rut

and it's like the same thing over and over again. And I've expressed this to him, like I want to be trying new things constantly, like, and he's super down for that, and we talk about different fantasies we have. If that's exciting. So the sex is great. He's open to variety.

He's open to talking about it and trying things out. So then we're just kind of narrowing down here. So it's really just that you want it seven times a week, and he wants it for. And he and I have kind of talked through this and we found a little bit of a resolution with it but still working through like how do I initiate something and be okay with being told no and and what can I do for my pleasure not like depending on him for my pleasure. Right. So that's interesting. Do you pleasure yourself master bait? I do for my pleasure, not like depending on him for my pleasure. Right. So that's interesting. Do you pleasure yourself, masturbate?

I do. Yeah. I really need that emotional connection. Like, yeah. I just recently heard the term maybe on this podcast demisexual, where that emotional piece is like, a emotional connection. I get super turned on with vulnerability

and like really that deep connection and so So often like when I do master bait like I think of him and like us together and So are there other ways that you could feel intimate with him? Is it really just about the penetration like what if you're close together You're intimate and you gave each other Massages or you watched porn together and it was mutual masturbation So he's next to you, but he doesn't really have maybe he could just use his hands or you watch porn together and it was mutual masturbation, so he's next to you, but he doesn't really have, maybe he could just use his hands, or you know, there's other ways to play on those days

that you guys could explore that you could be intimate without the actual penetration. That is another way to look at it, because I think that sometimes sex is so focused on that just penetration and that's sex. But there's so many other ways to define it. Maybe he's telling you what to do, and you're, you know, he's dominant

and you're laying back if that's one of your fantasies, and he's telling you what toy to use or what position to get in, and that could be hot, but he's not really doing anything. I don't know what level of no he's at, if he's like four days a week and I'm out or if he would still be open to expanding your definition of sex and connection. I think yeah, I definitely think that's something for me to think about and kind of talk

through a bit more with him. Yeah. What else can we do that's not the whole or a deal of like the foreplay and the penetration. Yeah. The after cycle. It's a lot. You know, that's what I would definitely talk about that, because he sounds like he's open, but the other part that I would drill down to now is that you feel rejected when he doesn't want sex.

So it's like, almost like you're taking that to mean that it part of you isn't lovable or worthy or he's going to reject you, that feels unsafe. I don't want to put words in your mouth. Yeah, I take it personally. Yeah. You take it personally. So that might be something to look at too because if this is going to be your partner

or with any partner, is that something that's familiar to you? Has that happened in other areas in this relationship or other areas in your life? No, it's feel rejected. Okay. So sometimes these are the patterns and it's not, so in this case, it's not really about the sex is what I'm hearing It's more about because I'm like you guys are well-matched like I want to clone what you've told me But but it's more like to meet some more about your own feeling of self-worth and yeah feeling like it's okay

If someone even someone says no to you reject you that you're still Lovable and okay. Yeah, I just have to take you down. Yeah exactly like not depending on my partner to like feel sexy, desirable, valuable like yeah it's that validation seeking definitely is like one of my core issues for sure. Okay yeah. So I think that's that's what we're talking about and so if it's comes up usually it's you know how we do one thing is how we do everything they say so So that's something that, you know, and how do you do that? How do you realize that, you know, saying it is great, like you know it, you're aware of it. But what are the baby steps that you could do? Like maybe if he does not, if you feel that he doesn't want sex at some point, are there

mantras you can have, are there notes you can help in your phone? We're like, I'm, I'm lovable. I am this. I'm desirable. You know, whatever work you do with it your phone, or like, I'm lovable, I am this, I'm desirable. You know, whatever work you do with it in other areas might help you in this place, because it's going to come up again, so not even just around the sex. I think that's a good thing to know about yourself. The filler-owned cups up. Yeah, the furrowing. Love tank. Yeah. That's the heavy one. I feel like you are in it with someone who seems like they would be willing to help you work on everything. Or a lot of things.

Absolutely. I mean, yeah, also I'm in a master's program for mental health counseling and he's trained in nonviolent communication. Oh, I mean, the communications like so good, but he also like he's just a very direct like mask you and communicator. I tend to be more like emotionally charged. And so we're kind of finding out. So you're going to have some fun figuring this stuff out together too, because you're so well, he's nonviolent communication and you're studying mental health. And so yeah, this feels like it's not so binary. Like should you stay or should you go about libido? It sounds like yes, some other underlying things. libido might be a challenge, but at least you guys, I feel like could have some healthy conversations

around this that will really help you if you decide to stay together and work on it or not. Sounds like you're ready to do that kind of work. Yeah, so for me, yeah, it's really the inner work and I really liked what you talked about in terms of exploring different ways to be sexual together without it having to be a commitment

with the penetration specifically. Right, because our partners just aren't always going to be available. You know, or they're not always going to be on board for what we are, whether it's talking about where we want to go for dinner or what kind of sex we want to have. And so how do we still self-soothe? Yeah, good.

I'm glad this was helpful. It was really good to talk to you. Yeah, thank you so much. I feel like I came away with some good takeaways. So I appreciate it. Yeah, of course, I'm here for you. I'll be around for you. I'll be right back. Yeah, thank you so much. I feel like I came away with some good takeaways. So I appreciate it. Yeah, of course I'm here for you. I'll be around. Let me know how it goes. Thanks Emily. Thank you.

Thank you. Sometimes it's really not about the sex. Sometimes it is about the sex, but when it's not about the sex or we can see different patterns in our life, we're repeating ourselves or there are certain lessons to learn. I think we got to stop and go, huh, what can I learn here? Where else am I doing this to how can I change it? Because sometimes how we do one thing is how we do everything. Where else do you feel not loved or that you're not hurt or people aren't seeing you or whatever your pattern is?

Typically, you can find that in other areas of your life and figure out ways to, at the end of the day, fill up your own love cup first. We got Alyssa, female 28 in California. Hi, Dr. Emily, how are you? I'm good, how are you? Thanks so much for calling in. Thank you so much for having me. Before I ask my question, I just want to thank you so much

for this show. You've really helped me become more confident in my body and with sex, and this has really changed my life, and I'm so excited to be talking to you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you so much. So I recently started dating this wonderful guy.

He's everything I could want from a personality perspective. However, we do have a little bit of a problem because he has a micro penis, I think. So it's about two and a half inches when it's a racked in penetration. It has been my favorite aspect of sex because I really like the connection of it. And I don't know what we can do to make it better or if it's worth working through because everything else is there, but sex is such a huge part of a relationship. So I'm not really sure how to handle this because I listened to the Matthew Hussie episode

about the one day wage-ar and right now I'm waiting for one day, the sex will get better. Right now it's just not there. Do I leave it out and do I... How long have you been with them? Three months now. How long have you been with them? Three months now. Okay. I mean, if you would be okay with using a dildo or a strap on, you know, where he would have a strap on and you could put a dildo inside of it, the penis extender or him using a toy

on you, there are workarounds. But it's been three months. Is this something that you guys talk about? He shuts down when we talk about it. So I don't have this thing from an insecurity perspective and I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable with his body so I don't even know how to approach that with him. Probably, I'm sure if he's ever talked about it, there probably is a little bit of challenge around it because it's, I can't, I mean, there are positions, you know, that you could

do with a smaller, you know smaller penis, doggy style positions you can do if you are sitting more with your butt in the air and your hands are down or you could do with you sitting on the lap and then you could be holding you closer. I mean, there's some workarounds, but that's what it's going to be. Are you looking to get married right now and to commit and to find your person? I'm inching towards that. It's definitely about finding the right person. And like I said, everything else is there. But the sex is not. And I don't know how important it is or should be.

Yeah. If you had sex in the past that was really satisfying in a different way. Yeah. Yeah. This is just not satisfying. I'm willing to work with him, but it's hard to talk to somebody that doesn't want to talk to you. That is really tough. That is really tough. Except for this, well, because that is so deeply personal and so deeply challenging. It's like as big as probably nightmare and fear

as they have to talk about his penis. So, because he probably doesn't have the experience talking about it either, right? So, just say, I think this is great, but these are some things that I would need. And I'm sure it's uncomfortable. I'm sure that no other woman has talked to him about it yet, but you listen to the podcast and you get it how important it is. So, you could choose to kind podcast and you get it, how important it is. So you could choose to kind of practice with him and see what happens, just talking. Do you think that he kind of senses

that you're not having as much pleasure as you could? I think so. But he's also not taking initiative to see how he can make it more pleasurable for me. Have you let him know or talked to him about it all? It's such a hard thing to talk about because it is an uncomfortable situation that I've never been in before.

Yes. I know how much compromise. And it's been three months. Yeah. So it's still new, but. Are you guys committed? Yeah. I think you have to have a conversation with him

because you seem like a really nice caring person with a really big heart and you You could practice you could write it out But I think just saying like let's talk about our sex life Like here's some things that I you know if you think about it It's about the size, but it's also perhaps about having pleasure like a partner who maybe has erectile this function Would be able to please a partner a partner won't go down on a vulva because they don't like vulva. There's always something that's going to come up. For you to say, this is what I would need to feel the most aroused, it's okay to tell

them. It's okay to say, this is what I need. I need some kind of penetrative feeling inside of me to feel my most pleasure. Here's some ideas. Here's some things we can work on and see what he says. I think it would be great practice for you. Okay. Thank you.

Good. Of course, thank you for calling in about this. I want to know how it goes. Oh, definitely let you know. Okay. I like your perspective on compromise. Do you got to do compromise and practice getting your needs met. Thank you so much, Dr. Amelie.

Okay, thank you. Have a great night. Bye. So you guys, here's the thing. I'm still going to stick by what I always say that it's really not about your penis size. That's not the challenge. The challenge is somebody who isn't willing to communicate about your sex life.

Like they're not willing to find out what you actually need to be turned on. What makes a good sex life. You know, are there other, because there are so many other ways you can satisfy the partner with your hands, with your mouth, with toys, but a part of it just stays mute to communicating about sex. I believe isn't a partner for anybody who has a growth mindset and wants everyone in the relationship to have the most sexual satisfaction and pleasure.

Talk about these things. Communication matters. Not so much the size. We're going to do a quick break to our word for our sponsors. We come back. I'm talking to a couple who's calling in with their challenges. I love talking to couples. This is Daniel. He's a male. He's 31 in Texas. Hello. Hey, Daniel. My wife is Madeline. It's here as well.

Your wife? Yes, Natalie. Hi, Natalie. How you doing? All right. How can I help you? I don't know how long ago we learned that I have sex on me where I basically have sex on my sleep. It's not early been that much of an issue. I haven't done anything too weird. Okay. My wife was just wondering, could she do to either stop it or like? Like it starts with, oh you kissed me last night and you didn't remember. So I was like,

oh that's kind of funny you were asleep, but then it turned into like we were having sex for a good while and then I was like, oh wait a minute, you haven't talked to me in five minutes. Oh okay. And so then it just feels kind of disconnected and so how long have you been together? Okay, so you put together a while and is this a new thing that's developed? Well, we only learned of it because I told her about a dream I had where I was like almost playing a video game of fingering and that I was about to level up or something. And then she said, oh yeah, you actually did that. That might have been a year or so ago.

And then it's not consistent at all. Like I don't know what triggers it or anything. Is this has anything changed? Are you taking medication? No medication, nothing. My two year old and a three year old. That's a big change. I would say that that is a change. I guess yeah, it'd be only the just I'm more mentally tired than usual, but that's the I guess family difference I notice. And how often is this happening? Definitely not regular, but maybe it's happened five times. Okay. I don't know a year and a half. Okay. Is it scary for you when it happens?

Well, I guess the very last time that it happened, yeah, I definitely just didn't feel that great about it, but like I just stopped. Okay. And then I think turning on the light will give up. You know, you could see a sleep specialist because I think a sleep specialist might be able to help you with this more. You know, they just say you could take medications, but I just don't love taking medications for something that isn't.

No, I don't like that either. So maybe you guys could like establish some kind of code word or you have to get your phone by the bed. You could flash a light in this face. You know, could you wake him up when it happens? You said that like, is there like a shaking or water? I don't know, that's not possible. I'll turn you during, but nothing usually.

Yeah, the extent that I can think of in the moment is just, are you awake? And then no answer. Are you awake? No answer. So then I just stop. These are the kind of things where if you went to see someone who specializes in sleep, you could start to document,

like, what was I eating that day? How many hours of sleep did I get? Was there anything else that happened? And how's your sex life when you're not sleeping? It's getting a lot better since I'm listening to your podcast. Oh, good. I'm so glad to hear that. I haven't listened to as many. We started on a road trip. Yeah. So I've listened to what like six hours. Oh my god,

that's so many couples tell me that they're like, we listen for 12 hours on a road trip. I'm like, great, it's like therapy in the car. That's fun. Natalie, how do you feel when this happens? Do you feel upset by it? Or are you like, really, I got to go back, I got to wake up the kids doing like how do you feel? Yeah, that last time really got me. It was weird replaying what had happened back to him. I realized, yeah, there were like so many red flags and it took me such a long time to figure out that something was not right. Well, you got woken up in the middle of the night though. Like I think that if I got woken up, but who would know in the middle of the night, you're sleeping, right?

You were sleeping. It's not your fault that you didn't know. I wouldn't know. I mean, I'm when I just don't wake me up, I don't know what I'm doing, right? I could do the same thing. We don't really know when it started because it could have been years of happening that well, you would know, though, Natalie, right? If it's been happening for a while.

Yeah. Or do you think, oh, all those times we had said, because you do have sex when you're not sleeping. Yeah. Right. So you kind of know the difference. Yeah. I think you also say I'm different that I'm like more

rough where I do things that I normally don't do. Yeah. Like, say anything. He doesn't say anything. Yeah, I'm usually more thoughtful and like talking to making sure she's enjoying it and whatever. But yeah, I guess I don't talk. So if it's anything that you're afraid of, but I would definitely talk to

like a specialist who could track it for you and figure out why people have this. They don't parasonomia, sex-samia. Is there something that would wake him up? The last time it happened, she turned on the bathroom light. That spoke me up because she usually gets up in the middle of the night. Plus, I'm hyper- aware of the kids being awake. That wakes me up like just like something out of the normal. But I do have a learn clock that has a bright light on it that you just have to hit a button and

it turns on. So you think that would wake you if she tapped that button and the light went in your face. Is that something that Natalie could kind of figure out to do if that happens? And be more the try. Try it. And then you guys could kind of figure out, what were we doing last night? What time did we go to bed? You could start tracking it on your own.

One time I had a class, I was like, I had to write down my dreams. And I was like, I never remember my dreams. And then once we had to do it, it's like, I remembered my dreams. It became part of it. So now that we're talking about this together, I feel like we kind of have a plan now. And you'll be able to discern it right away.

I'm more worried I'm going to do something that's not like we don't do anal but I'm afraid that my sleep side would do that. I mean, Natalie, do you have any fear around that? No, because I think even in our awake sex, we're always working on that communication. We're now constantly talking to each other every second, but like checking in and stopping for a loop breaker. I think that you could be able to stop you before you went in for something painful. Sounds like you guys are on the same page here. Yeah. You got this. I'm not really worried about it.

Maybe you could just update me and let me know if when it happens again and start to just write it down and track it. Okay. Okay. All right. Thank you for listening and for being a part of the show. I appreciate it.

Thank you. Sex on me. And not that I've been with partners who wake up and have sex and something that I haven't heard about before But usually we know we know when someone's doing it. We can kind of tell But in this case not so much So I think if it is something that you have some fear around there are sleep specialists We did a great show with Michael Bruce Dr. Bruce. You can check out that episode. I

Love that the couple that they're listening to the podcast together you guys. I can't recommend that the couples enough I know it's been really helpful for so many couples over the years and I just appreciate everyone calling in and being real. And I love talking to couples, so please, if there's a couple that want to call in, I'm here for it. Okay, we have A, she's a female and she's 28 years old. Hi. Hi, how are you?

I'm good, it's a fun to see you and talk to you and thank you for your podcast. Of course. I'm here for you. How can I help? What's going on? So then sort of sexually active before early with the hand jobs and low jobs and all that fun stuff, but I've never actually had penetrative sex. I also realized this year, why I've kind of stopped myself from not so like it's been a huge relief to kind of find out. Okay. But I met this point where I'm kind of like I want to have all of the experiences that sex gives, but I'm not sure how to kind of step over this doorstep because I feel as

if I do have some experience but also on this one point I feel like I have no idea and when I'm dating a guy and we're kind of hitting to that point and I just don't know how to act or what to do without being stupid but also I don't want to tell him like this whole backstory because I feel it's gonna kill the mood and I also don't feel he needs to know. So how do I back myself without being too stupid and kind of comfortable at age 28? I also feel a little bit like there's something wrong with me having not jumped over this one thing. Well, there's nothing wrong with you, but I can tell you that all day, and we have to all believe it ourselves. But I think it's great that you've been honoring your body and honoring what felt right to you at the time in your life that it's happened. So so many people just have sex because

they feel like I got to check it off the list. And it's, I don't want to be seen as someone who has an head sex. And I think that there's nothing more empowering and powerful than a woman or any person who says, no, I'm not ready yet. And when I'm ready, I'll let you know. And now you're saying, I'm ready. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. You do not have to tell them that you haven't had penetrative

sex before. But maybe you're thinking, well, they're going to know because something weird's going to happen. Well, here's another way to reframe it. I hate the term virginity. I think that it's just something that's like a holdover, like give someone your virginity and you lose your virginity.

What if it's your sexual debut? I'm coming out and you're invited to this party. So you are invited, even if this is just how you think about it. Like you are deciding that you are ready to have sex and this person may or may not be lucky enough to be that person that gets to join you. It's like, I think that at 28, maybe you are, I don't know, we all think that it should have happened already. All these people are having great sex. People might have had sex before, but it doesn't mean it was great or it doesn't mean that there's all these things that they know that you don't know. So I think your perception of what it means to have already had a lot of sex, it looks

different than you actually believe. What about have you ever tried to put anything in like your fingers inside of you? Have you felt that feeling of penetration or use a toy? Yes, I do. I not use the toy actually. I did get my first act of the St. George podcast list. I use fingers and I do like that and I've had fingers used on me. But.

Okay, so what's your fear like? Okay, if we walk through the wildest feeling, your biggest fears happen. What happens? Is it that you might have this reaction, but they didn't know is your first time or that something they're gonna to be able to tell. If they don't tell the person and there is either not doing fully what I'm supposed to

or they realize during the act, but either they're probably going to run out or accuse me of something like of misleading them or have had previously some people have dated who are like before like talking or knowing too much about each other like they said like, oh, I would never want to go out and date a virgin or something like that. So I have that being that of the bad thing. So you're already there intimate with a person and it's already like, you know what I suppose that the person that would react and say, oh really, or that's weird, that's strange.

You're like, well, you just got your invitation taken away. But the person that's like, yeah, oh wow, okay, that sounds really cool. I'd love to be a part of that. You know what I mean? You had one person or a few will say something to you. I wouldn't want to be with a great. Well, then they're not your person.

Do you know what I mean? I think this expectation that it's, everyone thinks that which we all do that, we hear something once and we're like, well every person's going to think this about me, it's not true because you'll find a kind, open, passionate lover who says, okay, all right, well, thank you for telling me, let's make this great for you. And I just, I would want that for you. I want you to have a good experience and I want you to be with someone who's honoring that experience for you, rather than it, because I still think that it's going to be something

that's going to be a big deal for you. And maybe, maybe emotional, maybe not, but you don't want to have to not show up as your authentic full self during an experience that's for you. And that's why I would say I would try to at least find someone that is on the same page as you. Would you then talk to them about this, like when you're making out and it's sort of leading to something or a conversation beforehand? It depends on the person. I think it's always great to talk about it beforehand, but I do feel that you are having these situations with people where you think it's going to be more of a one-off experience and not someone that you are. I'd love to date someone and maybe like have sex and see where he's going, but I'm not

a post to somebody like, if I have a great feeling, it feels good in the moment. Yes, exactly, because I did realize, so I'm ready. There's going to be a lot of people around who are going to want to be with you. And I think just if you could just have that moment where I'd like to, maybe I'll see this person twice, like make sure that you want to see them again. And then before you do see them again, it could be when you're making out, it could be when you know you're going to see them again and just say something, but be the generation that talks about it and normalizes sex conversations and just say, hey, I want you to know how

the great time on our date or whatever it was so hot making out with you, I keep thinking about it that normalizes sex conversations and just say, hey, I want you to know, had a great time on our date, or whatever it was so hot making out with you, I keep thinking about it and, you know, I think I'm ready to have sex, or, you know, we do a podcast that you might like, called First Date, First Orgasm, First Threesome. And we can also put that in the show notes for all of our listeners who might wanna look at it.

But I think you're gonna know, these are all great questions, but I just want you to take away the shame that you own a apology, that there's anything wrong with you, and then I think you're gonna know. These are all great questions, but I just want you to take away the shame that you owe an apology that there's anything wrong with you. And then I think you're gonna know what to do in the moment. Mm-hmm. Thank you so much.

Oh my God, thank you. Bye. I got you. Have a good night. Bye. All right, guys, can we just take the pressure off of ourselves to be something that we're not sexually and that everyone's gonna be judging us

or thinking that we should be something else and show up in a different way. I don't know how to emphasize this enough to you guys to let you know that the more we show up in our most empowered selves and advocating for ourselves, you know, the more likely we are to find partners that are on board with our pleasure and our satisfaction. And I think that what we worry is gonna happen, like it's never what's gonna happen. It's not, it's just, I think that we're all still living

as like scared little fifth graders that people are gonna tease us, like they did in fifth grade or something. And we are adults and we're making adult decisions with people who hopefully can kind of handle our emotions and be there and show up for us and just think about it. Don't you want to be having sex with someone that you would want to be your friend as

well? Someone you can rely on if something goes wrong or if you're having an emotional challenge or you need to help with something or just be kind. Be with good people. Like a good person and a kind person is gonna cherish and honor your decision to become a sexual being when you're ready and not when the rest of society thought you were ready. And I think that is a huge act of strength and independence. And it's sexy.

After the break, I talked to Tatiana who's having a hard time making eye contact during sex. We're gonna help her be right back. Okay, we have Tatiana. She's a female and she's 19 years old. Hi. So tell me what's going on. The question was about eye contact here in sex. And that is a big thing for me. Okay. It's so intimate to make eye contact with another person, especially in a really vulnerable moment when you're having sex. So just know that you are not alone. I don't know how much that in your 19. So it's not like you've been having sex for years and years. No, this is my first. Okay.

And so is it something that you noticed you can't do it or did your partner bring up? Like why aren't you making eye contact? Oh no, he never brought it up. I noticed that I'm very somewhere, so I noticed everything that's going on. And I was like, you know, I'm so in love with him and I don't have any other confidence issues with anything.

I can stare at him in any other moment that we're together but it's just saying that's like the moment or I look at him but I get, when I do, and we lock eyes, I try to just get a little like nervous and I'm like, okay, and I kind of lose my confidence first I feel like. Okay. What do you really make eye contact with him outside the bedroom?

Oh yeah, all the time. Okay. Like we're very, yeah. Yeah, how long have eye contact with him outside the bedroom? Oh yeah, all the time. Okay. Like we're very, very, yeah. Yeah, how long have you been with him? Almost two years, I think, or like that. That's a long time. Okay, so yours, you feel safe with him. He's your guy right now.

Have you ever let him know that this is something that you feel nervous about? I don't think I've actually like addressed it to him. I think in the moment, I've been a little like, deeply or he sees that I get a little awkward, but I know he finds that really cute, like my innocence and just how I get a little like, a car-off star.

But I don't think I've actually like, hey, I have trouble looking at you. I always have sex. So what happens? Do you know what's happening? If we can take you back from him, what do you know what's happening in the can take you back from what. Do you know what's happening in the moment? I think it's more like, I just wanna see how he looks

and how he feels in the moment. And then I'm also like, oh, I hope it's not awkward. I wanna see your keys. Just kinda to check up for say, how he's feeling and then sometimes I get a little just here. And then he looks back at you. Maybe sometimes he doesn't.

Yes, yeah. Oh no, he does. He's only, and I can see him looking at me from my like virtual vision or what I'm not looking at. I could see him looking at me like the whole time. I think he has very intense, he maintains intense eye contact with me and I see that and I know it. So I think that makes me more intimidated.

Confidence is not a place that you arrive. You don't just become confident one day and then it clicks and you never have to work on yourself a steam again. I mean, I have days, moments where I'm like, oh, that wasn't a confident moment. So, it sounds like though you are someone who's confident in a lot of situations, but maybe in this situation that you get a little bit more insecure or intimidated, you know, maybe you could tell him and say, you know what, I've noticed this thing happens that when we're having sex and we're intimate, I always want to look at you when I look away because that is when we call it out.

Like you can be having sex, you can look away and you can be like, look at me. If he sticks with you in that moment and even if you look away again, you kind of take away the individual experience that you're having around and it becomes about both of you, which that's the thing about eye contact. I think there's like a knowing when you really do connect with someone that's like this is our moment and so he wants to have that with you and then there's something that's happening we don't know what we're like this moment is too much for me but yet in all other ways you're really committed to him it sounds like oh absolutely so instead of it being something that you're struggling, you know,

struggling with on your own, you could take the power away from it or the the charge by talking to him about it. I can definitely talk to him about anything. And I have before, I guess I just haven't with this, I don't know why, I guess I've just been trying to work on it on my own. I'm like, okay, I know I can kind of see this, but I think maybe it's getting better, but I still get kind of giggly. Or when I look too much at him, I kind of get a little just like, I kind of just... You could also... Yeah, I mean, see that happens sometime.

That just means that you're still, you know, into aam or it's bringing something up for you. There's also great practices. You could practice looking at each other when you're not having sex. Like I've even done, you know, group trainings where you had to like turn toward someone next to you in the room and you had to stare into their eyes for like five minutes or something or three and it was like, and then I turned and it's uncomfortable at first, but you just keep going because that's our exercise.

And there's actually some intimacy experiences for couples that say like, to just sit on the bed or wherever you know sit on the couch and just turn towards each other and just say let's try to stare into each other's eyes for a minute or two. And even if you giggle then you'll start to kind of build up your eye contact resistance. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, I definitely should do that more. Yeah, because I don't think I've really focused on it, except for at that moment. So yeah, I'll definitely mention it to him. I don't know why I have it before. When I kind of let my guard down our feel little intimidated,

then it kind of interferes with the act. And being in the moment, and then I get a little shy, and then it kind of leads to me getting awkward verbally, so I won't be as verbal as I want. Okay, Dury, sex, you mean? Yes. Well, you believe Tatiana Zave, you're looking at him in a way that's confident, then you'll

be able to ask for what you want more efficiently or be top-dirty or is that what you're saying? Yeah, I think that's what I'm feeling. I think I need to in order to have figured out, I need to start with the eye contact, the malleable. And then also the other thing is that I will have the eye contact for a moment. And then when I'm being verbal during sex, I cannot do both those at the same time. But that's okay.

I think you have a lot of expectations on yourself. That is a practice for two also. I don't know. And you say that he's steering you the whole time, but how do you know? Is he really like, there's ways to look like you're looking or maybe he's looking above you're not looking at him so you don't know. Maybe he's looking over your head but you think he's looking at you we don't know. Yeah, that is just your exactly.

So that's a lot to be thinking about in the moment like am I looking at him I saying the right word? So I would first take the pressure off yourself and just kind of experiment in little, baby small ways of seeing, could you actually be talking to him during sex without the eye contact? Could you do the eye contact and maybe not talk and then just kind of start to play with them? You'll move past this. No, absolutely. I just think it's all practice. It's either by yourself or communicating with them. Well, that's what I feel for you, Dotsian. I feel good about this. I did that way too. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you so much for calling in. I appreciate it.

And thanks for getting into it. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you so much for allowing me to talk and just I love all your posts. I was like, let me do this. I want to do this for myself and just be confident even to do something like this and talk about sex. That's also something I'm getting to do. Yes, exactly. Well, this was very brave and also it helps so many other people. So you did a great service today for yourself and others.

Thank you so much. Bye. Thank you, bye. A lot of the stuff that we are worried about and that we have so much fear around trying with our partner or saying to our partner, gets a whole lot easier when we just have the confidence to have these little mini conversations.

Think that maybe you could check yourself now and say, am I imagining this being a huge three hour conversation? Maybe it's a 10 minute start to a conversation, but I promise you the more that we put power behind these things and communicate with our partners about the little things that's going to make the big things a whole lot easier, and then we get practice. Every time we do it, it gets easier, and we have practice, and that's only going to help us have stronger, more intimate relationships.

That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this episode, they will too. We released two to three episodes a week, find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all at sex with Emily.

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