Sex With Emily - Hotline Calls: More Orgasms for All

Episode Date: May 28, 2021

In this episode, I take calls from our Sex With Emily Hotline and we get into it! Your questions include: what to do if you masturbate but can’t orgasm during sex, the best ways to meet people and date when newly sober, and what happens when your partner’s sexual fantasy creates issues in your relationship. Plus, I review how to start having sex again after a dry spell and when it might be time to break up if you’re sexually incompatible.You can call me anytime and leave a voicemail: 559-TALK-SEX (559-825-5739). For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Show Notes:Yes, No, Maybe List https://sexwithemily.com/guides/Article: How To Have Sex in a Full House https://sexwithemily.com/how-to-have-sex-when-youre-in-a-full-house/Logan Ury Episode: https://sexwithemily.com/how-to-not-die-alone-w-logan-ury/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you think it's hot to watch you masturbate? He does. I get very insecure, but he thinks it's hot. Probably the reason why it's harder to masturbate is because you might be like thinking about your face, so what you're doing or how you're moving, right? And I used to have that as well, but what I've found is that like, I just go for it. And the guys I'm with are so freaking turd on by it. So this is really for you getting outside your comfort zone, because that's the only thing that's blocking you, like your orgasm blocking yourself.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that block our secret You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today's episode, I'm back to taking your calls, which was a blast. Topics include what to do if you masturbate but you still can't orgasm during sex. The best ways to meet people and date when newly sober and what to do if your partner's sexual fantasy is causing problems in your relationship. I also talk about how to start having sex again after a five-year, dry spell, which,

let's be honest, many of us can relate to that after this last year in the pandemic, and ways to keep your sex alive even when you're living with your partner's parents. This show we were able to use our brand new hotline. So now, all you have to do is call and leave me a voicemail. 24-7 at 559, talk sex. 559,9 825 5739. If you don't want to call me no problem, you can just leave your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Just always include your name, gender identity, location, age, and how you listen to the show. Intentions with Emily for each episode join me in setting an intention. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of listening to this episode?

Like, how might this help you? My intention was to bring back one of my favorite parts of my job, and that's talking directly to you. So I hope you'll join our hotline, and let me know what you think about today's episode. Oh, also, we have a new Mutual Master Bashing Guide that you can download for free at sexwithemily.com-slashguides. Lots of great articles at sexwithemily.com, so check it out. Alright, everybody, enjoy the show. This is Lauren 26 in New York.

Hey, Lauren. Hi, oh my god. Hi. Hi. This is like a fangirl moment for me. I'm so glad that you you reached out. Really? Thank you. I find myself so sexually empowered because of your show and like you have inspired me to become a sex educator and change my career path. Thank you so much Lauren that makes me feel so good. This is why I do what I do. I'm so glad to hear that. I'm thrilled. Thank you. That feels really good and I'm so glad we need so many more people in this in this profession. Lauren, talk to me. What's going on? Sure. So I want us to reach out because for the first time in my life, 26 years, I'm in a healthy relationship. I found a very nice, normal guy and it's very stable

and loving and I find myself getting so bored with the sex. Okay. Oh my God, how long have you been together? We've only been together for about eight months. Okay. Okay. Yeah. How was it at the beginning? It was worse than it is now.

Okay, okay. So what's made it, how has it gotten better? What do you think that's about? Well, I'm not a super kingster, but I'm more kinky than him. And I think through listening to you and just face the communication and bringing things into the bedroom,

like I just bought monotony, the board game. Oh, it's a good one. I've bought us a Levi dice and everything. Like I've learned to bring things into the bedroom to make it spicier, but I'm one of those women that it's very rare for me to orgasm. And I find myself getting kind of like orgasm resentment. Yes, does he know how to give you, do you know how have you had orgasms?

I masturbate every single day. I love it, oh my girl. Okay, so you masturbate every day. Do you guys ever do any mutual masturbation so we can kind of see what you do and learn about your body? Yeah, that's the strange thing. So I go to a sex therapist and she suggested that I get off before we have sex so that I'm taken care of. But when he's in the room, I can't reach climax. It's very strange.

Huh. Okay. Is he masturbating as well? What if he's masturbating himself and you're masturbating yourself? He's very shy about that. He is. Okay.

Does he think it's hot to watch you, master bait? He does. I get very insecure, but he thinks it's hot. Okay. So you're, you, probably the reason why it's harder to master it is because you might be like thinking about your face or what you're doing or how you're moving, right? And I used to have that as well.

But what I have found is that like, I just go for it. And I have found that the guys I'm with are so friggin' turned on by it. The guys that I want to be with are like, wow, that's hot. Let's do it again. So this is really for you getting outside your comfort zone and being like, I'm gonna go for it. Because that's the only thing that's blocking you, like your orgasm blocking yourself by doing it, not doing it with him.

But again, that's a practice. And then he, and then so that is a good advice to have in your orgasm first. Does he ever please you? Does he go down on you or does he could use the toy on you? Yeah, so he does try. I feel like the unicorn because all my girlfriends are like, I love Orals so much.

I love it more than sex. And I have never been a fan of Oral. And I don't know if it's because no one's ever done it good to me. But he probably, he probably doesn't, he, I'm telling you, I didn't have great Oral till I was like in my 30s or something, you're 26. It is a skill set. It is a practice. Every woman is different. A lot of guys just go down there and do the three-licks and think it's enough, it's up build up, it's teasing you in our thighs, it's going slow, it's using lube. We have a great blog on our site about the Kiven method and that has been one of the most popular blogs of all time and it's a

technique for oral. I talked about it like three years ago on the show and I don't think I've ever gotten as many emails from people like, oh my God, my wife of 20 years was able to orgasm. And essentially what it is is you're lying on your back and your partner is going in kind of perpendicular. So instead of licking up and down like head to toe, they're going like thigh to thigh.

So if they're going thigh to thigh, you're covering more nerve endings. You're covering the labia, the outer labia, the inner labia, the clitoris. And that has just been a really cool practice that works for a lot, and that might give him and use some confidence. But if less, like the women that I know

that don't like receiving oral sex, usually fall into two camps. There's the women that I know that don't like receiving oral sex usually fall into two camps, there's the women who actually have super sensitive, if their clitoris are really, really sensitive. And I found that these women have multiple orgasms. I wish in my next life I come back as well, but they have multiple orgasms every time they have sex and it's sensitive to touch. And the other women I found just haven't had a great oil yet. They're like, still have some shame or someone shamed their labia ones or said they smell

or something happened and they still are blocked around. They don't have to relax into the experience of an oral. And that's just not on you. That's a partner who's like, hey babe, I'm here, lay back, we've got all night, I'm going to go down in you, I'm going to experience, figure out your body. And that's also a learning curve. So finding a partner who's enthusiastically wants to learn to please you. So I think you're in the second camp if somebody just hasn't had had it yet.

I think. Because most people don't know how to do it. Yeah. Yeah. So, so what do we do here? So I think it's part of it is you talking to him about it more. I'm just trying to think of of I also have your question here. Did we get to all of it because you're also saying you've got and love that you're in sex therapy

and you're in couples therapy and so and you have a history of sexual trauma. So like what what is he is he open to it means going to therapy with you which is amazing. He's open but he's also very vanilla because I'm a bisexual woman and I've never I want to be Like the threesome. However the caveat I've brought this up to him and he said he would never feel comfortable doing it because he's super monogamous and I Find myself when I fantasize I think about him having sex with other women That's kind of okay. I think about him having sex with other women. That's kind of the thing that gets me off.

Okay. I mean, you still have time in your life to explore. And it sounds like you're on a journey. You're in sex therapy. You're having these lively fantasies, which is great. Like, having a healthy fantasy life is a huge part, you've heard me say this, of having a sexually healthy life. And so he's more vanilla now.

Listen, people are vanilla because they come from environments where sex was shamed, it wasn't open. He doesn't feel like it's okay. Maybe me too made him feel like I have to even be less aggressive towards women. I have no idea. But that's a choice. Like he could start to say,

well, maybe I'm not that vanilla. Like maybe I just haven't experimented with enough. And maybe there's a way you can talk to him that's like, this is what I require. Would you be willing to step outside of your vanilla box for a moment and explore with me and open up? Because if he's like, nope, not for me, never going to do it. You're on a path. Lauren, you're on a journey. And he maybe he's just not the one who can get there, not everyone can. But maybe he needs a little bit more. I don't know, do you guys ever listen to the podcast together?

We've never listened to it together, but I heard you say that actually on the show yesterday and I was like, that's a great idea. I've never thought of it. A lot of couples listen together and they have found that it's extremely helpful because you can listen, you're on a road trip

or playing in the house and they're like, oh wait, what do you think about that? Because then you don't have to bring up the conversation, then you see what they say. And just listen, like if he says, I'm vanilla, I don't wanna do it, or three times, tell me more about that. Oh, I'm just monogamous.

I mean, I get that, but you're also saying, I mean, I guess it's not monogamy having a three-sum, but like this is something that could be really hard to, and why? Sometimes he needs more information, like why you think it would be sexy and what he would get from it. Like again, it's just he needs more information like why you think it would be sexy and what he would get from it. Like again, it's just giving them more information to get out of the place that they've been.

He just might need me to understand what you're actually asking for. Like is he your guide? Do you think he's the one you want to be with? Yeah, I can make sure a future with him. He's so sweet, but the only issue is I'm very feminine and he's also very feminine. And I love like a manly man, like I love being dominated and he's very sweet, but in the bedroom, it's not the biggest turn on. Yeah.

I mean, if he's interested in learning, he could also go to a sex therapist who could teach him how to be more dominant and aggressive, but he has to be willing to do that because that's not going gonna change very much. So maybe, I mean, I'm telling you, I love that you got out of all these toxic relationships because you won't be attracted to those guys anymore just so you know. And there are nice guys that can also dominate you

in the bedroom, so it's not either or. So I think you got to put some work in this relationship and see if he could come around for you and kind of get what you mean and try. Or if he's just like, nope, this is who I am, take it or leave it, then you might have your answer. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, is that helpful?

I guess I would like to know with the three-some fantasy because I am very insecure. I think if I were to go through it at least currently, I would get jealous. So is there any way to kind of explore that fantasy without having to actually go there? Yeah, you guys could actually, you could dirty talk it. You could have a fantasy one night where you guys are having sex and you can be like right now, I'm picturing you, like there's a woman in here and you're taking our clothes off and you're having sex with her. And then you could start to see like, how would that actually... how does it feel just to be role-playing it in that way?

Or watching some porn together where it's happening and kind of picturing yourself in that scenario without going through with it. So it's interesting because you're gel... yeah, you look at... you're insecure about it or you're jealous, but then you want it to happen, but you don't want it to happen. So I think just having talks about it in the bedroom, like making it sexy might be a great way to kind of put yourself in that and say, would that be something I actually want to do? Yeah, definitely. I have to work on the jerk.

Yeah, the dirty top. We did a great episode about dirty top with Joanna Angel a few months ago. I just listened to it yesterday. Oh, good. I'm so glad. But then also the couples I know that have successful threesomes, practice rigorous honesty, they have boundaries, there's no

kissing, the person leaves after it. Someone we don't know. I mean, you would get to set up all those parameters too, but sounds like you're not there yet. Not yet. Seven months is a little, that's why I'm a little concerned. It's too, it's kind of too soon to be getting bored, I think. But if I were to ever spend long term commitment with this person, then I would definitely want to engage in that. Yeah, but then also, I think you could test it

and just say, we're gonna, it can even be awkward. You're like, this is hard for me too. I've never been in a relationship where I actually have worked on sex this much, but this is my goal. So then you use it as like, you could learn together. Maybe he's your guy, maybe he's not, but again, you're learning these skillset that will help you for a lifetime of lovers.

It'll help you move through stuff and see, like, oh, that wasn't so bad. We talked about it. We moved past it. So I would say, as long as you're in the relationship, go past your own fears, I think, about conversations and just see, because it's never as bad as we think. And then we learn like,

oh, that wasn't so bad. Are we actually found out where we can come together and where things do work? Yeah, definitely. Okay, cool. Thank you. Thank you for coming in. I appreciate it. Our YouTube good luck. Stay in touch. Yes. Bye. Bye. All right, we're going to take a quick break, but stick around. I'm talking to Rose who's been exploring her boyfriends cuckolding fantasy. Okay so we have Paul 29 in Montana calling in. So what's going on Paul tell me everything. So recently I started to stop drinking just for the health reasons and just was tired of going out in the party scene. And ever since then, I've just kind of been

having a hard time trying to find places to meet girls that are kind of fairly similar minded. OK. If I do make connections, it's kind of just, I know, there's a lot of partying and a lot of breweries, a lot of distilleries place where I live. But it kind of seems like it's hard to find something to do that doesn't really. It really is. Yeah, that makes sense. First off, congratulations on quitting drinking because that is not easy. Taking that

initiative and not drinking, I think, is just such a major life change. Clearly, it wasn't serving you anymore. Are you in a recovery programmer in AA at all? I'm going to some meetings just kind of for periodic support, but okay. I mean, I think that the best, I mean, you could meet people at meetings and I know that everyone I know who's been sober in AA, they find partners there a lot. So I would, I just think it's so great for recovery to go like a few times a week, especially because it's on, is it all still on Zoom or you're at? Um, they're holding a few meetings in person, but mostly it's still on Zoom, yeah.

I would try going to those meetings because I can just tell you that it's very, very helpful for people to meet like minded people. And not just for dating, I mean, you will be able to date, but I know that I have some friends you got sober about 10 years ago to my best girlfriends. And I just go with them to meetings because I found AA fascinating and I think everyone can get something out of it.

But two of them are married now to like guys they met and AA, but it didn't come from that. They did a lot of like game nights and they did a lot of going to movies and watching movies together. And it just became a really great community of people and so I would recommend Like fully going into that community and finding people because again even if you make some great guy friends

They're in the same boat you are and so they have found places to meet people Okay, so tell me what you've done so far. Do you ever date online? Yeah, I've tried a few of the dating apps and unfortunately haven't had really any luck with those either. So, and then I guess now that sometimes just plan on spinning out, being outdoors, hanging out with friends and all that stuff, but.

Yeah, I mean, meeting people in the good news is everyone's gonna be so excited to be out this year, right? And I feel like I've always met people. I don't really do the dating apps just because I never, I'm not great with texting and I forget to get back to people but how I've mostly met people is through friends, going to parties, saying yes,

like you know people invite you to things you're like, do I wanna go to that? I just say yes to things. I went through a summer where I was like, I'm just gonna say yes to random things, things that came off on Facebook, things that came into my inbox. I was like, I don say yes to things. I went through a summer where I was like, I'm just going to say yes to random things, things that came up on Facebook, things that came into my inbox. I was like, I don't even know this person.

I would show up because usually that's how we meet people through friends of friends. And so I would just make an effort to just say yes to barbecues, to events, and also do something that you like. Maybe there's a hiking club or a cooking club or a reading club. I don't know what you're in, Sioux Paul, but finding going to meetups because when you're in your element and you're doing something that you already really like doing, you're going to just start striking up conversations with people rather than going to a bar where people are drunk.

I would say it's also a confidence thing, meaning confidence comes by being our more authentic selves. How do we get to be our more authentic selves? We practice. We practice being ourselves wherever we go. So whether you're waiting in line for coffee or you're at a party and even if you're not attracted to someone, just start talking to them, just start, hey, how's your day going? Like, what brings you to the party or who do you know here?

And you just start talking. That's how some of the best relationships happen. And then you have more confidence because you're like, oh, I'm being Paul, 100% talking to these people. Because you're like being myself has allowed me to connect to people. Because you've probably already had to switch up

day to day activities, right? Like you're no longer going to the bar. You know what I mean? So have you found yourself going to places that are a little bit different right now? Not quite. I guess my another big issue has just been spending a lot of time at home kind of just hanging out with the roommates just because not really like kind of if I'm thinking of things that

used to do on my own or just kind of spread the moment, it used to be, I'll just go down to the bar and have a few drinks or go to a brewery. But now it's just kind of still a bit tricky for me to come up with ideas of like, it's for the moment, it's like, oh, I'm just going to go do that and just be able to be fine with hanging out by myself for however long and well, that's also practice. You're going through a lot of changes too. I mean, it's been a year, you said? It's probably been since the start of this year that I stopped drinking. Okay, so yeah, I mean, I would just kind of focus more on what kind of activities can fill the space of all the drinking I was doing, whether it's joining a gym, working out,

asking your friends to fix you up to, like ask, like, do you know anybody who might be interested or interesting? It's kind of like a job. I mean, when you're looking for a job, you let everybody know that you're looking for a job. And then when you're single, you let people know you're single. That's happened to me a lot. I said, well, they're like, are you dating? I'm like, I'm single. And then I'm like, I might have someone for you. And then like a few months later or a week later, they're like, how about this person? Your friends want you to find someone to be happy as well. And so just kind of flipping your mindset that they're out there,

not every girl wants to get wasted every night and go to the bar. I promise you, I'm so not into guys like that. That's not my jam. You'll find them again doing the things you like, letting people know you're single and saying yes to a lot of different events that you wouldn't normally go to. That's my advice for you, Paul. What do you think? That sounds good. Okay. Helpful? Yes. All right. Well, thank you for calling in, Paul. Thank you for having me.

I appreciate it. Keep me posted and let me know how it goes. Okay. Because I'm here for you. Okay. Bye, Paul. So our caller now is Rose 24 from Idaho. Rose, tell me what's going on.

So I have been with my boyfriend for about two years. And for about a year and a half of that, we've been kind of experimenting with this fetish of his, which is he kind of likes me to go and be with other people and then tell him about it, or recently he's been wanting me to do other things like make videos and send those to him, and then it kind of spices up our our relationship later on. But it's gotten to a point where I'm like kind of confused as to what we do now because like a lot of the times it's fine and we have a good time with everything. But lately he's been having this thing where if I do anything he instantly regrets

asking me to do anything as soon as I do it. Okay. He'll ask me to do it when he's in the mood and then once he's not in the mood, then he feels really bad about himself and he feels really bad about asking me to do anything. So I don't want to hurt him. So I'm like really confused as to what do I do? Oh my God. It's basically he's a lot of shame around it. Yeah.

So on the one hand, he's into it and then he's like, oh my God, I's a lot of shame around it. Yeah. So on the one hand, he's into it. And then he's like, Oh my God, I feel horrible. So how do you like this part of the relationship? How do you like being with other people and tell, is that something that turned you on? It did. At first, it was really fun for me. And I really liked it until it started getting to be like a chore because at first, it was just me doing it and having my own thing

and he would just want to hear about it and then it became he wanted to see it and then he wanted to like read my messages and then he was getting hurt by the things that was going on and it's like the lines were kind of crossed and I didn't really know what was okay and what wasn't okay and I tried to be really open about it, but I just don't know how to navigate the waters anymore. Yeah, well, he probably doesn't know either. I mean, I think that's great that he was able to speak up about his fetish or his fantasy. I think that is really, really brave. And he's probably also confused by it. Like I said, shame, how would your sex life be if you stopped doing that all together?

You just worked on the connection between the two of you. That's what we've been trying to do for the last few months now. We haven't had that open quality to our relationship anymore. And he has been the one to branch that off and say, okay, I want to focus on us, which it's been nice, but at the same time now all we do is do the mutual masturbation thing. I'm like, okay, I need something more fulfilling because I want the real sexual part to happen. Yeah. So tell me where you're having. So how come, why no penetration?

Well, we do end up getting there sometimes, but most of the time it seems like we're focused on like him getting off and having his thing and then me just kind of going along with it. So I don't know. Maybe he doesn't know like, is it is it harder for him to have an orgasm? Yeah, he takes it takes him a little bit at time. So he might need to get a lot of build up. So it's just why he liked me to do that other thing because it was creating such like a a build up in his mind before we would do anything. So I'm just trying to figure out what can I do to build things up without having to go past my boundaries now. Right, right. Does he sound like he might be a delayed ejaculator, meaning it takes him anywhere between like 45 minutes or longer to have an orgasm every time.

Yeah, that sounds right. Yeah, and that give you a really frustrating thing for so many penis owners because they're just like it takes forever, it's a pain, and there's a lot of different causes. They don't, it's actually something that there's, it's very unclear what could cause it. It could be the way he masturbates. Maybe he holds his penises in a certain way that he just can't get that same kind of friction. Maybe he's watching a lot of porn.

Maybe something happened when he was younger. Maybe he's on some kind of medication or drinking a lot. But usually it's something that, that for men, it just sort of, it can be a tricky one to kind of figure out what it is. Maybe doing some anal play with him, like would help him ejaculate.

Like, if he'd be interested in being penetrated or playing with his prostate or anything. So there are other workarounds, but it sounds like you guys are both like trying to figure it out together. And I want to make sure that you're getting your needs met as well. Because he takes interest in your needs and pleasing you. He does, to a certain extent, like he, he does, he lets me do what I want to do. And like he asks me if he can help me in some way, but at the same time, I feel like it's

more focused around him and what feels good for him and what works for him. And it's like, he says that he wants to do things for me, but I don't know how to come across in a way that's not sounding like I'm not being satisfied at all. I don't. Right to come across in a way that's not sounding like I'm not being satisfied at all. I don't. Right.

I think there's a matter of saying this is where this is what I need. I think it's kind of like that. I mean, you listen to the show. It's like the outside the bedroom conversation where you say, I know we spend a lot of time working on your pleasure, but I'm realizing that I, this is really what I'm going to need for us to kind of take it to the next level or to figure out how I can be connected and maybe because he's so preoccupied with his own orgasm, his own pleasure, he just doesn't, it's a learning curve like you're, yeah. So is he your same age? Are you 24 as well?

Yeah, yeah. It doesn't have a lot of experience in relationships, which is why I'm so impressed. He had you go out and like see other people and he was cool with it, but then he wasn't. It makes sense that it's really messy right now and he might have some core desires based around you being with other people, but then again, he has shame. But I want you to not let your stuff get so up under the rug because he's been someone who's been so focused on his orgasms that you might have to just teach him what it looks like.

A great book is by Ian Karner called She Comes First. It's been around for 20 years. It is one of the greatest books about pleasing a woman and going down on her and it's very specific. It's probably the best selling textbook of all time. But I know that a lot of men who have read that book are like, oh, he just doesn't know. Like, your arousal will feed his arousal. Getting him to the point.

That's why he liked that situation too, is because he felt like I was being pleased. And so then that helped him. And he thought we were kind of working it around all the ways. And I thought, yeah, that's great too. But then it started to be a challenge. So. Right.

So now you guys have to kind of like rebuild and have healthy conversations about what works for you because you're a loving girlfriend, you're like, yeah, I'll try it out, but now it's like, what do you want exactly? And what does it look like? And then how do you put more words around it with him? And how do you say, how would you explain to him

what you want in great detail? Because sometimes we just tell our partners, like we were just talking to him, and it was great detail because sometimes we just tell our partners like. We were just talking to him is like oh I want to dominate you are well your partner is not what that means like they don't like is there a scenario is there a scene in porn is there. A particular time that you're with him that was really hot and you can be like that was great you know point to any earlier times in the relationship where it worked. Yeah, exactly. I think I could. Yeah. Okay. I mean, that's what I recommend. And then like keeping the conversation going and like not giving up on what your needs are. I mean, there also is the possibility that he's just like, I'm not interested.

I just want to keep figuring out my own stuff. But I think if you really say like, for the next few months, I'm going to focus, like, let's focus on my orgasm and my pleasure and you'll still get yours. And if he's on board with learning, because again, you haven't had as much experience because you're 24 and you're still figuring it out. So I would just be really open, be really honest, and it'll be such great practice for you because whatever happens in this relationship, whether you stay with him or not, you're going to have practice in communication, and you're gonna learn what you need

and how to communicate. That is a skill set that took me years to figure out how to do it. That's why I'm teaching everyone and why I do this. So I think that you're just seem like you've done a lot for him, and now it's time for you to get yours, whatever that looks like. Yeah, well thank you.

Of course. I love your show. I'm so glad it has helped you. And it's great to see you. And I hope that you will keep us posted. What happens? I'm always here for you. All right.

Thank you, Emily. Bye. Have a good day. Thanks, Rose. Bye. After the break, I talked to Danny, who needs help figuring out how to turn up the heat, while she and her boyfriend are living at his parents' house.

So don't go away. Danny 25, she's a female in Louisiana, had a question for me. Hi, Danny, tell me what's going on. I'm really struggling right now in my relationship. We've been together for two and a half years now. We started out living. I was living at my dad's house and he lived with his parents, but now we moved in together because of COVID, but now I live with him and his parents house. Oh, and how long is that going to be going on for? About a year and a half now. So. Oh, wow. Yeah. We haven't had sex

in seven months. Because you're at a full house. Yeah. Like, what are you going to do? But are there ever times where the parents aren't home? Recently, they were gone for three days, but they sent over his sister's boyfriend to check on her cat. So we thought it was a last minute thing too. It was left in the note. It's like, oh, last thing he's coming over. We've got the cat. We can take care of the cat. She's okay. So is there, now is there a reason you're staying with the parents? Is it more like just financial getting your own place

right now isn't the easiest thing? For personal things, I'm not really able to stay with my dad right now. Okay. Yeah. Okay. And got it. Financial.

I had a job and then he didn't have a job. We were just out of college. And then I left my job and then he got a job. So our plan to move out, we're just, there's just a wrench getting thrown in our place. Oh my God. Okay, so what you're asking is how do we keep our sex life alive when living with parents? Yeah. Okay, here's just a few things I'm going to throw out. Sex in the shower. Could you guys take a shower together? That's actually funny because that's where we've had our best sex there in the bathroom

or in the shower. Oh, perfect. You can bring some toys in, you can play some music. I mean, that just seems to be like where you could do it. And hopefully maybe the parents are out. Do they ever go out or do they work or they home? Oh no, they're usually at the house. One of the others there.

Okay. Oh no, they're, they're usually at the house. One of the others there. Okay, you could also have sex off of the bed, because the bed makes a lot of noise. And so you could throw some cushions down on the floor. I mean, do you have a lock in your room? Yes. Okay, so you could create a little atmosphere, you know, so you're not getting the creaking sound and you're on the floor.

Do his parents know that you guys are sexual? Like do you think that, I mean, that you want them to hear you, but that you might need a long time, are they compassionate towards that? Do they understand? I've actually brought it up with his mom before while we were just out and she's like, yeah, I get it, I understand, but it seems like it goes out one year and out the other because they tend to just knock on the door for silly things. Yeah, it seems like, every time we get into it, somebody's knocking on the door, it's talking really loudly. It seems like there might be a way to, I don't know how

communicative his parents are, but to say, could you limit the times of knocking on the door, unless it's really important? We actually need our alone time to bond, to talk. And especially if you said it to the mom before, she might just think twice, you can put a note on the door like we did with your kids, like do not enter or what's not. You could get a little hanging thing like that make your own, like you get at a hotel. It's like do not disturb. I mean, I don't know how they feel about that. I get all parents are weird and different about things that everyone has their own thing. Is it about the noise? Because

there is a lot you could do to keep it quiet. You could see who could be the most quiet. You could like turn that into a game. I'm glad you asked that. It's also because we ever since the beginning of our relationship we've had this sex compatibility issue, I have more experience than him. He's only one year younger than me, and that's not really, I guess, not a part of it because I've had partners who have been younger than me, and we've had better sexual chemistry. Okay. I don't know. It's like sometimes he's hard at reading body language. She doesn't. Yeah. It's weird. I try to bring it up with him. I've had him

listen to the park, your podcast. Okay. But he's open to trying. It's not that it's, he may also just lack confidence as well. And he may feel like he can't get into it either at home. Okay. Well, it's his parents. Yeah. So it sounds like that's good. Some good information there. So first off, age has nothing to do with experience. Because and there's even people who have had sex with hundreds of people But they're just not they don't really know what they're doing in bed They just kind of kept like I hear this from you know Like me I think a lot of penis owners

They just bang away and I slept with this one and that one but they're not necessarily the most experienced So what if you guys focused on for play like does he know how it leaves you? What if you build up and you're like, let's take penetration off the table because it's already off the table. But what if you go back to the beginning when you were just making out, when maybe one night he gives you a central massage and then you give him a massage,

or you download our Yes, No, Maybe list. Have you done that yet on our website? We've got this free guide and you guys can do it together and find out like what kind of things is he into? Is it a yes and no, or maybe? And then you could start to work through that list and find some other things, but what if it's like off the table and you teach him,

you're like, this is what I need for pleasure. Maybe you do need a massage or you need some dirty talker. And then this, the yes, no, maybe list. In addition to our pleasure planner, which is also a free downloadable on the site, to kind of help you guys think about what are some things that have been really exciting in our sex life that have worked? What are some things that haven't?

Start to rebuild it. Throw it all though, like he's less experienced and what's happened in the past. But what if it now is ground zero and you're like, let's figure out who we are together as sexual beings. Let's start to rebuild what we both want, and then have open conversations about it. So he and then you have to keep building his confidence in saying, you're great, this is what I love. I'm learning to, we're in this together. Because it is tricky, and you listen to the podcast, you know, people get sensitive when you talk about sex. I think I wouldn't say I've ruined it, but I think I really put a dent in his confidence

because I keep talking about my past sexual relationships and comparing it and saying it hasn't been this hard for me before. To orgasm? Yeah. And I think I made a mistake by saying maybe I'm not sexually attracted to you. Oh, Danny, okay, so that no, it's okay. It's okay. We can repair this. Do you want to be with him, Danny? Is he your guy? I love him and everything's right except that except our the sexual aspect of our relationship Do you find him to be a sexual person? Does he masturbate? Does he tell you about sex?

Every night. Okay, good. I be with guys who are like, tell me everything about every past lover. What happened? Cause they get off on it. And then there's guys who can't get that other penis out of their head.

So everyone's different. You could walk it back and just say, I think this is more about us figuring out what feels good to both of us. If you want to make it work and rebuild it to say, I apologize for saying those things if they hurt your feelings, that was not my intention. But are you not attracted to them? That's a question I've been asking myself because I love him.

I truly do. But in past relationships here, I go comparing again. I don't feel like the sexual tension that I'm used to. Well, yeah, and also the attention comes from having separation, having absence, having spontaneity, and having novelty, and having exciting new things happening. And usually it's when couples are a part of they miss each other. You don't have any of that right now. You're living together with his parents. There's no obstacle for you getting together.

There's no way to build the tension. So that's why if you start to really engage in like a sexual bucket list together and what we're going to try tonight, we're going to lock the door and we're going to just do some touching where I'm touching and you're telling me what feels good to you. Take the penetration off the table. Like, what kind of touch feels good and then you just start to connect again sexually. But is there any way, Rick, maybe if you even went away

for a week or is there anywhere to go, it's hard to keep that connection going when you're on top of each other. What was your attraction level like before you moved in with the parents? What was your, like like the building and the arousal were you attracted to a more so? This shouldn't be a hard question, but I've been thinking about this more and more and I

wonder if I ever was sexually attracted to him or more so just wrapped up in the novelty of, I don't know because I wondered if we're better off as friends because we get along so well. Yeah, I mean, you're young too. I mean, maybe, maybe that's it. I mean, I could give you all the ideas, like mapping out two hours that are just for you and you could have sex in the car and I could give you all these things,

but this is a bigger issue. Like, I'm wondering, is there any world where you could move out and see what happens? Could you find another place to live? That's another issue because I'm looking for a job right now and I can't move back in with my dad. And he said he would be okay with us not being together with me living with him until I find a new job, but I don't know how that's a lot to ask of someone, especially if we're living in the same room together.

Right. Yeah, I mean, I think you could well in the meantime looking for the job because you can make it happen. I know you can. You could just say, well, as long as I'm here, because I always think of every relationship as kind of as a practice. That's why I always say, take every date, like go out with someone, go out with them, twist, learn about yourself. So you could start to practice vocalizing what you need. You've nothing to lose at this point. And this is what I might need. And this is what is attractive to me. And maybe there's certain ways he could build the tension by, I don't know what, talking

dirty to you, maybe taking initiative in places where he hasn't before. But it sounds like you might just need a separation. I don't know how much these things change and you're in sounds like you might know. So, I hope this is helpful, Danny. It really is. Oh, good. I'm so glad. Keep it posted. We do have a blog on our website, How to Have Sex when you're in a full house. So you can check that out, but I'm here for you. Okay, I appreciate it. Trust your gut. Okay. Thanks, Danny. It's so good to see you. I appreciate your time. Have a good day. Bye. Bye. Okay. So our next caller, Jason is 34 from Connecticut. Jason, thank you so much for your question. So tell me what's going on. So, I just put it out there. Last time I had sex was I wrote a date June 1st of 2016.

And I've not been looked at intimately or been with a woman in any type of intimate manner since then. Okay, so tell me why you think that is. A few reasons why. I'll admit, maybe my self-image needed some work. Maybe a certain choose in social situations that wasn't picking up one. I'm not good at playing games with people or playing the online game. I don't like the Tinder game or the okay, stupid game. But whatever those games are, I don't know. I'm just pretty straight up in a real and honest person. I'm integrity and honor.

And if you're not a person, integrity and honor, I'm gonna review the wrong way. It is what it is. Maybe I don't know what the trendy hip things, but I feel I'm a good person at heart. Yeah, you seem like a good person. So did something happen five years ago? Was it like a bad ending or did something?

You know, I think what it was is just that with that, with that person in particular, her and I should not have been together. As far as sex was concerned, we were good at that, but it was really short release, she had more like a few months. And we had our personalities run different on the streams of the spectrum. She was a music therapist and I'm a mechanical engineer. Your brain.

I don't even know. Right. So so have you have you been in relationships before longer term relationships? I really have not. Um, even in my twenties, any type of sexual interactions were very sporadic. You know, and I believe a big part of that was because just too mature for my age brackets and when you don't live by, when you don't operate to the rules of what the ecology tells you as normal, whether be don't call to the

third after the third day or you have to say this and this sound cool or whatever and makes things very difficult. Well yeah, I hear what you're saying and I'm not for the rules either but when you're interacting with a woman, how much do you have practice in being like open and communicative with women about what's going on with you, your feelings or emotions? Like do you think you present as a sexual person who is interested in women and make them feel sexy or do you let them know that

you're interested or what's it like? There's never been a woman who I try to get her number or try to interact with. It wasn't obvious that I was feeling her physical body. Her physical energy, I was very obvious. Again, I'm not a dull grabbing our opponents and stuff like that. Bill, you know, the person, you know, very obvious from the conversation that when I buy the language or the energy I'm putting out, somehow somewhere after a first date or maybe a second date or some,

there's a lot of this, a misstep or a gap or a blockage of some sort where I'm pretty, I feel like I'm able to have a normal conversation with someone, but somehow there may be a bit of an insert in gaps or something that's stifled, some energy gets stifled somewhere or whatever, whatever. Do you feel relaxed when you're on a date? Do you feel like you can be at ease and have comfort? I mean, I was just thinking about your brain being a mechanical engineer.

It's such that, and I know that there's people with so many different ways of dealing, you're very logical, you're very practical, you're linear. And sometimes you're dating like a, say a music therapist, and they're much more maybe in their body and into their feelings. And so maybe there's a little bit of like, softening or listening you could do and try to get out of your head. If you've ever done any mindfulness work or been in a place where you felt connected to women. Do good women friends? Do women in your life? Yes. In my 20s, I had very few women friends because

I want to have sex with everyone. Exactly. I would have passed three, four years. I developed a lot of very close, very close real female friends. It is so so perfect but they're always taken. Oh, okay, but do you ever talk to them about it and say what do you think it is? It seems like a lot of women tell me that a combination of maybe yourself and maybe you might not have been the best or maybe you're overthinking the situation or maybe you are just not thinking is maybe it's okay that you're overthinking the situation, or maybe you are just not thinking, is maybe it's okay that you're at this place in life, but you just haven't met the one who you can connect with.

Yeah, overthinking, yep, overthinking confidence, that's a lifelong journey. Try to be the most confident in ourselves, and it's a practice. How are you meeting people now? You said you're kind of on the apps, but you're not connected. I recently actually deleted a home hinge, practice. How are you meeting people now? You said you're kind of on the apps, but you're not connected.

I recently actually deleted the hinge, you know, and I'm doing the hinge and tender past five months. I had one date, and that one nowhere. What could you do right now that's a little bit different? How can we flip your mindset that like, there really is nothing, there's nothing wrong with you. You seem like a lovely guy. Thank you. I don't want you to sit like to sabotage. I don't want you's nothing wrong with you. You seem like a lovely guy. Thank you. I don't want you to sit like, to sabotage, I don't want you to go to the past.

You've done all these things. I mean, life is like we're constantly learning these lessons and maybe even being real with someone when you meet them and say, I know, I don't know, sometimes I'm weird at reading cues. Like, I feel like you're saying you want to go out again. Is that true? Like, breaking the third wall of like being real.

Like, sometimes I'm not clear in it. So this is a date. I find you attractive. I'd love to go out again, is that true? Like breaking the third wall of like being real. Like sometimes I'm not clear on it. So this is a date. I find you attractive. I'd love to go out. I feel like we have a great connection. Does that, you know what I mean? Like, and that's so not game playing. That's so real to be like, I want to make sure

that this is something like, are you getting that I'd like to go out with you and showing more of yourself like your playful side? Asking more questions, how are you in conversations with people too? I've gotten better actually over the past couple of years and even the past year or so, I've gotten a lot better with communicating and talking to people and following like the ill-crowny people skill book type stuff and let's give them type stuff. You know, I read a lot of

those books. They're great. Help me out tremendously. Good because that's a skill set too. Now how to be a good listener and not be thinking of what we want to say next. Because listening isn't just about hearing. It's like asking questions back, taking an interest. We all have having questions asked about ourselves. We all want to know there was someone who's listened or read our dating profile and it's just, you know, an interesting and interested person.

I think interested is even better than interesting. And so you might want to kind of look at some of that your interactions and maybe asking some of your girlfriends about it. But I really think that maybe there's a little bit of overthinking like what's wrong with me? What's wrong with me trying to fix it? And dating is also a numbers game. So getting yourself out there more. And there's a great episode we did with Logan Yuri. It's called How Not to Die Alone, which sounds depressing, but it's not.

And she actually, for the first time, you might like this. She looked at behavioral science and dating. She looked at all the ways that we can kind of sabotage our dating, how most of us are not good daters. And the way we, she kind of flips our mindset about how we think about dating.

And I thought there were some really practical tools in her book and in that episode that might be helpful for you. I don't think that there's anything wrong with you. I think it's a practice and leaning into who you are and showing, you know when you're hanging with your best friends and you're totally yourself and you're like the most Jason version of yourself. How do you bring that into a relationship where you're meeting somebody

and you get nervous around women. Sometimes you ever meet them and you're like, is this a thing? Actually silly stories happen the other day. I kind of, I kind of botched up a potential number. I could have gotten actually. I was at Target and I saw a woman with a very nice dress in a very round ass and I was like,

hmm, I need to find reason to talk to her. I need to do something. I go back by the aisle, I had to go back and wait. But I didn't have to. And I said, he said, hey, that's a very nice dress. We're kind of birds of those on there. So he's like, oh, those are pecans. I was like, oh, pecans, whatever, whatever.

Oh, those are penguins. And we had a couple of words back and forth, but some reason I kind of stopped talking it was on penguins. And like, we had like a couple of words back and forth, but the summary is like, kind of, stop talking. And then the comments she had ended, then I run, it always behind her online. I just couldn't muster up something intelligent to say that, get bringing the comments and she'll back again.

That saw her as a leave, and I was like, how would we do that? It's like, you too. And I was like, she wanted to talk to you. She was talking to you a little bit. You just got, okay, so this is the thing. It's the overthinking. It's the being in your head.

It's just saying, this might sound weird to you, but can I get your number? You know what to say, because you've done it in the past, but don't be here. We've all had those instances over like, God damn it, why didn't I get the number? But you did all the right things there. You did.

So now it's just like in the moment, maybe you were focused on something else, you took something else on your mind, but that's what it is. Let me tell you this. There's no perfect pickup lines. There's not even like a, but you could fumble through it.

But if you're making eye contact with someone and you're real, you're like, this might sound weird. I'm actually a little nervous right now, but I want to ask for your number because I find you really interesting. I do think it's a practice and the more you're going to get rejected a lot, people say no, but the more you do that, you will get more comfortable

with it. I would just start practicing doing it, like talking to people that you even aren't attracted to, not asking for their numbers, but just practice having conversations with people and listening. And I think that's really going to help you as well. Like when you go out, talk to a dude, talk to a woman. Thank you. I mean, this is so refreshing for me because there's really put my mind at ease right now. Now I have a better plan of attack on when I'm next to target that I meet the next person, the nice, sundress. You got nothing to lose. And you have a great smile. Just smile. And be yourself. That's

adorable. Really, right there. You got it, you got it, Jason. Will you keep me posted and let me know how it goes? Yeah, sure, definitely out. Thank you, Jason. I'm glad that's not. Thank you. Yeah, it was great to see you. You got this.

That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where ever you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this episode, they will too. We release two to three episodes a week, find me at Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter.

It's all at Sex with Emily. If you'd like to ask me a question about sex or dating relationships, email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. And check out my website. We have so many great articles that I've been deep into topics like, How do I have multiple orgasms? How do I last longer and bad? How do I stop thinking about my ex?

What sex toys should I try? And so much more. Sign up for weekly emails. I've been told I give really good emails. I do. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.