Sex With Emily - Hotline Calls: My Partner’s Into Bad Boys & I’m the “Nice Guy”

Episode Date: August 25, 2023

The Sex With Emily Hotline is open! On this episode, I’m joined by my Producer, Erica, as we talk about disappearing erections, prostate massages, and so much more. First, what do you do when your partner has health issues that cause them to lose their erections? I give one caller ideas for how to work around this issue and thoughts on what might be causing it in the first place. Next, why don’t couples fantasize together more often? A couple calls in to share their sexual fantasies, and we give you inspo on how to do the same with your partner. When your partner wants a prostate massage, how do you pull it off? I tell you what to feel for, how to apply pressure and fun toys you can use. Finally, when your partner has never had an orgasm before, how can you help? And should you?Have a question? Call my Hotline 559-TALK-SEX (559-825-5739) or message me at sexwithemily.com/askemily.See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.Show Notes:Is My Penis Normal?How to Have Honeymoon Sex ForeverTOR 3 from LELO (code SEXWITHEMILY for 25% off sitewide)SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69)Dildos on Shop With EmilyProstate Toys on Shop With EmilyPlugs on Shop With EmilyThe only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureWant more? Sex With Emily: HomeLet’s get social: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok Let’s text: Sign Up HereWant me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I used to blame my partners and think it was their fault that I was in the orgasms, but actually I realized that I was responsible for my own orgasm and I had to really spend some time learning my body, masturbating, getting rid of all the shame, the stress, the trauma, learning debris, the used toys, communicate. All the things that I talk about are the things that she's going to have to do, is she willing to work on it with you. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

We're back with another hotline calls episode, I'm loving these episodes, let me know what you think of them. I really hope you're enjoying them. And again, if you wanna leave a voicemail with your question, please do. Just call my hotline 559 Talk sex or 559 825 5739. You can also leave your questions or message me sexwithmly.com slash ask Emily. Today, my fabulous producer Eric and I are answering your questions on what to do when a partner struggles to maintain their erections. Why people aren't encouraged to fantasize in the bedroom,

asked by a couple tips for prostate play and how to help a sexually frustrated partner who's never orgasmed. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to this show, my new articles, best sex positions to use with the sex toy, and how to have honeymoon sex forever. Our Up On Sex with Emily dot com. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. Okay, this is Eileen. She's in her early 40s and lives in Connecticut. Hi, Dr. Emily. The name is Eileen based in Connecticut Hartford to be exact.

I've been married 15 years of professional. I have the professional. We're both straight up. Right now we have some issues. He is a diabetic and he's 49 years old. He also has high blood pressure. I'm in my early 40s and I have the libido of a 20 year old woman. The issue is he has a problem maintaining an erection and our sex life is really crappy

right now. I don't know how else to describe it, but I'm calling because I do listen to your podcast for tips and just interesting ways to keep it interesting. Do you have any tips right now? What can I do to help with this process? It's, I'm just struggling. Please let me know what are some of the things

that we can do outside of speaking to a doctor to help his erection. All right. Take it away, Emily. All right, okay, let's go there, Eileen. Well, let's just start with this. You know, people come to me, they can't have erections or they can't have orgasms

and you really gotta look at a lot of different factors and thank you for all this background information because what I need to start with here is that he's a diabetic and he is high blood pressure. I'm going to guess that he's on some medication for those. And those are some culprits there. Medication for blood pressure diabetes can directly impact his erection. I don't know if this was happening in the past or it's a new development in your sex life, but unfortunately, he is going to have to talk to his doctor about it because there are

ways they can play her on medication. He could maybe take a little bit less of one, they could add another, maybe on the weekends, when you know you're gonna have sex, maybe just half of it or take it the earlier in the day, there's different things you can do to work around the medication. That's one thing.

The other thing is how healthy is he, what kind of food does he eat, does he move his body? There's a lot of different factors in his age. Also, men's testosterone tends to drop after the age of 40, so could be testosterone. And so I know you don't want, we just send you to a doctor and you're asking to spice things up.

So what I might say to you is, okay, listen, I lean. Without going to a doctor, you've just heard all the reasons why I think he does need to talk to a doctor. But first I wanna know what does give you pleasure? What do you need right now to be turned on? And would that also turn him on? Like if you look at your relationship and you've been together for 15 years, you have some

history to go back on and look at your relationship. When has it worked in the past? What was the hottest moments for you? When were you really turned on with him? I'm hoping that this is just like a new onset of something that we can work with. What I'm hoping is there's some really memorable times that you could go back to and think about it

where you on vacation, we're using certain toys and speaking of toys, if he is having a hard time getting erection but he's still turned on, I would recommend getting a penis ring or a cock ring as it's called in the business. You know, Lalo has one that I love called the Tor 3-TOR. It's really cool because it's body-saved silicone. It's got some powerful settings.

He wears around his penis. It also rubs up against your clitoris. And so that might help him maintain eruptions and it might help you have more pleasure. I hope Eileen that your husband is going down on you And so that might help him maintain eruptions and it might help you have more pleasure. I hope, Eileen, that your husband is going down on you and giving you pleasure in all the other ways since your libido is still rocking in your early 40s.

I was thinking, the Delta, if you're missing that penetration, that fullness, and maybe- Yeah, the Delta, which is a vibrator that doesn't vibrate, we've just launched our shop with Emily Store, which I'm really excited about. And if you wanna check out the Laylo Tour 3, or any of their products, the cool thing is,

if you use code sexwithemilyatalliello.com, you get 25% off site wide. And we'll link it in the show notes. So yeah, Dildo, they give you that fullness. Maybe your partner could use it on you, because I'm assuming he probably doesn't feel great about it either. Listen, when a man can't get an erection, it is not a good day, not a good time.

It is really, really challenging for men. That's also how they tend to measure their masculinity and how you know, you want to be a great lover to you. So if there's other things you could do like that, like he could use toy on you, also have you ever tried prostate play. That would be another fun thing to try out. When men sometimes can't have erections, believe me, they can have a lot of pleasure in their prostate. And A, he might find that he gets a direction from that, but either way, B, he could also have

an incredible prostate orgasm. I was just going to ask, does prostate play and prostate simulation can that help with erections as well? It can. For some men that helps them have an erection. Wow. And for some men, it doesn't. So you get to play around and figure it out, but it does give the majority of men a whole lot of pleasure. So we also have some great prostate toys. You can check out, again, this will all be in the show notes, but I would say another reason for men to try anil. Another reason, as if we need another reason

to give it some men everywhere to try anil. I'm also an anal pleasure. I just think we got to all try it out. I'm also an anal pusher. I just think we gotta all try it out. I'm also that my peak is exciting for you too, Eileen, even though I love that she's got a sex drive of a woman in her 20s, Eileen, that's amazing. So I think whatever you can do, also to find ways that you're pleased,

just go shopping by some toys, play around, keep masturbating, keep masturbating, and keep talking to them. Cause I'm hoping that he wants to get to the bottom and this is well. So. Go to the doctor together. Yeah, you could go to the doctor. No, we're not allowed to tell her to go to the doctor.

Right, but. Go to the doctor. Go. Okay, thank you for your question. Thanks, Ileane. Wait, why aren't we allowed to say go to the doctor? Oh, she told us not to. She said to us,

what can I do outside of going to the doctor? So I'm honoring her request, but at the end what can I do outside of going to the doctor? So I'm honoring her request, but at the end of the day, he should go to the doctor. We gave her options. We gave you options, but also go to the doctor. Get those meds checked. I'm listening and I'm also sitting there. Okay. This is a couple. Oh, I love it. We got a couple at Sam and Andy 28 and 30 in San Diego Hi, Emily. My name is Sam. I'm here with my partner Andy We are 28 and 30 and we're based in San Diego, California and we

Wanted to share with you how amazing our communication is. We have an extremely strong relationship. We've been dating for about five months, and I'm going to let Andy talk a little bit about how we use imagination in the bedroom because we feel that we are able to do that because our communication is so strong. So take away Andy. Hey Emily. So imagination, it's the first time for both of us

where we're imagining together versus in our own head separately. And it's been really liberating and wild. It's really playful. It feels like we've been kids again. And we've imagined ourselves in all kinds of scenarios. Orgis with circus performers, animals and beds, sexy situations and planes.

And the list keeps going on. It kind of feels like we'll always have this creative source to go back to, and we wanted to ask, how do you think imagination plays a role in hot, intimate sex? And why do you think it's so harder, kind of discourage and society for people to imagine together? Why do you think it's still hot to be creating together? Thanks for taking our questions.

Thanks, Emily. We look forward to hearing creating together. Thanks for taking our questions. Thanks, Emily. We look forward to hearing from you. Thanks, Sam and Andy. I love this. Sam and Andy, just so you know, we don't favor anybody, but I do love what a couple calls in. Come on, couples. We want to hear from you.

We want to hear from you. This is fantastic. So basically, they're just saying, we found something that works for us. And why doesn't it work for others? First off, I think it does work for many couples. I haven't heard from many couples. They really have explained it, so I love that they wouldn't do great detail here. Because for many couples, if they feel safe with a partner, it sounds like

you do, you've excellent communication. And when I talk about exit communication and when they're talking about exit communication, they mean couples who are vulnerable with each other and are safe sharing their fantasies. And it sounds like they are literally co-creating a really erotic life together. Often you'll hear me recommend to couples before you have a threesome role play the threesome in your head. Talk about it like how hot and sexy it was

for us to be with this partner, to be with this person. But I love that you guys are doing it really about everything. And the other thing is couples who do have some of these sexy experiences who actually act them out. This is like who gap three sums or do extra sexy things. They often find that that's fodder for their relationships for weeks or months to come. They're like, remember that time

when they actually experience something. But you guys are just talking about the actual imagination and your question is, why don't more people do it? And I think that we have a lot of shame. We're not comfortable talking about sector third partner. We're afraid our partner is gonna yuck our yum. If I send to my partner, I wanna have an orgy with circus performers, and they're like,

that's weird, I wanna break up with you. That's what we all imagine is gonna happen. We're not gonna go there. But I think this is really gonna open it up for a lot of people listening right now. I know, I wanna dive into this. I think that's such gonna open it up for a lot of people listening right now. I know. I want to dive into this.

I think that's such an interesting question. Why aren't people encouraged to have these fantasy scenarios of like imagining other people in better? Why do you think people are sensitive to it even within a relationship? A few things. It still comes from number one, the shame that something that I want is going to be judged. I'm a freak for wanting this, my partner's not going to want it. I think that's one reason. So we're just so afraid that our

partner won't really get our fantasy. And we don't have a lot of experience to talk about fantasy. So that's also it. And the other thing is some people don't have a lot of fantasies. Some people just sort of think about what's happening in the moment or are just sort of having a lot of time exploring fantasies together. So maybe they just feel like they don't have a lot to contribute there. And again, why don't we? It's because we don't have a lot of examples of it.

People aren't talking about this stuff, but I do think that it takes some work. It's a skill set. Yeah. Actually learning to co-create share fantasies is something that you have to practice. So maybe you watch porn together or you listen to some audio-erotica

and you try to find scenarios that do turn you on and that could be a way to share with a partner. But I just think again, no one's really encouraging it. We don't see how the examples of it. Right, because I feel like there's so many cases of hot sex being valued as this sacred, pure thing with nothing else involved. If you bring in a toy, it's not real sex. If you bring in a toy, it's not real sex.

If you bring in, Lou, it's not real sex. It's like anything beyond what's actually there in the bedroom, either somehow taints it in a way or maybe one partner feels inadequate of like, you need to imagine like three other people in bed with us in order to get turned on versus they're saying, oh no, we have such great communication that we're able to like go off and have all these adventures and have so much endless fun together in

the bedroom. Yeah, all great points. I think yeah, the other thing is exactly what you're saying is that it's jealousy. People are worried that if I talk about wanting to be with anything else other than my partner, it sort of violates the societal norm that exactly that we're supposed to only have sex with one person and if we have to do anything else, bring in a Lou, bring in a toy, even talk about sex, it taints this otherwise, you know, what should be this miraculous, wonderful sex every single time. And this is just another sex tool to put in your toolkit that I actually think is really hot and can help so many couples.

Play this for your partner right now. Maybe your partner needs to hear this and they'll be inspired. They'll be like, oh, really? Are you down with sharing fantasies? Let's go. But I think we also have the maturity to realize it just because our partner is sharing a fantasy, it doesn't mean that they necessarily want to try it. So there are certain people who will do this experiment with their partner.

And then they might, if they haven't really done the work on themself, they might walk away thinking, my partner wants a threase of now and wants to go to the circus. They're literally not going to be able to separate it. Right. I'm not good enough. My partner's bored with just me. It's like, no, just spice it up a little. Just spice it up. It doesn't necessarily mean, just spice it up a little. Just spice it up.

It doesn't necessarily mean, especially if you guys are doing it together. We need fantasy. We need to add things to our sex life. A rich fantasy life is part of being sexually healthy overall. Highly encourage it. This should be an inspiration to many. Thanks, Sam and Andy.

Great inspo. Appreciate you guys. We're going to take a quick break for our wonderful sponsors, but first I want to take a moment to highlight Leilo, even further. So I just told you all about their tour three, Cochrane. I forgot to tell you that this vibrating couples ring can actually be connected to your phone.

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Just go to Laylo.com. That's EllieLow.com. Use code SexWithEmily for 25% off or just click the link in our show notes. Alright everyone, we'll be right back. This is from Nat28 in San Francisco. Hi Emily, your podcast has been so helpful and I have a question for you. My name is Nat and I am 28 years old from the San Francisco Bay area. My boyfriend, he really enjoys profit simulation class play, and I really enjoy pluduring it in this way,

but I feel like I'm not doing it that well. It's new to him, too. So I've asked him for pointers, but he doesn't know what would improve it either. He's open to a toy. He's discussed that, but I am wondering which one we could use or if there is a specific kind of movement, amount of lube, etc. I could do slash use by fingers to enhance it. I just feel like my figure doesn't go deep enough and I'm not sure how to hit the

jeez thought or up to the pleasure empty. Thanks so much. I appreciate it. Bye. All right. Nat from San Francisco. From San Francisco. Yeah. So I love that you're both open to it and that you're trying. And since it's new for both of you, I just want to affirm what you're saying here that it is a little bit tricky to find.

And then in fact, your fingers might not be long enough to reach it. Because how you do reach the prostate is with your one finger you start going inside of his anus using a lot of lube. You have to make sure that you don't have nails and if you do have nails you have to cut the nails. But you put it inside. You're looking around for like a little rough area.

It is much like how you would find the G-Spot. It's sort of that common Heather motion when you put a finger inside towards the belly button. And that's where you're going to find the G-Spot, it's sort of that common-hither motion. When you put a finger inside towards the belly button, and that's where you're gonna find the prostate. But for many vulva owners, our fingers just might not be long enough, so I highly recommend getting a toy that is made just for this. We have specific prostate toys.

In fact, on our new shop with Emily's site, we've got a whole selection of prostate toys that are really shaped like the prostate. And it makes it so much easier for you to insert and play around. I mean, you'll still be a part of it. You could be holding the toy and using lots of lube. The ones that I recommend is the Eneros ANEROS is the classic. They've been around for many, many years and they are all about prostate toys.

They have some that vibrate and some that don't. And you can just go look at them and we'll put this link in the show notes, but you can see if you just kind of want to try it out and see how it feels, that can be a great one, but I also love the Wevi Vector. That one is a prostate massager that also vibrates. And that one's a little bit less technical,

meaning the aneros very much has to go inside in a very specific way, but it feels amazing because it's so targeted towards the prostate. It actually looks like a mold of the prostate area where the vector you can play around with a little bit more and it vibrates. So either one, take a look at these prostate toys on our site and see what you think. You could also just start out with a butt plug. A butt plug might be a way of him just feeling more arousal and getting turned on and getting used to anal stimulation, but a butt plug typically is not going to be the thing that's going to reach his prostate.

And when it does hit the prostate since it's his first time too, how would he know that she's hit it? He'll start to feel this sensation of pleasure. You might even start to feel some fluid moving through his penis. You might feel sudden urge to pee. That could be one thing. Let me just read you some things that people have said. One guy said he didn't expect it. It was a new sensation. It was feeling like someone lighting a fire in my feet and feeling it slowly spread all the way at my body. Slowly moving through my torso and making me shiver, I was in shock. Alan said, my first prostate-induced orgasm felt like an out-of-body explosion.

My head was dizzy for like a minute afterward and I had this absolutely incredible rush of pleasure. Needless to say, I was hooked and wanted to keep going. Men report that just feels like a different kind of orgasm. It's really intense, but I think you're right. If you're saying you're not hitting it, you're probably not. You might be getting close to it, but I've found that toys are a much easier way to find it.

And if you guys are really communicating well together, and it sounds like you're learning together, just go slow, use a lot of lube. You'll be able to tell you when you're doing it right. For some, you might want to just keep applying pressure to it. Some like their finger or the toy to move in and out. Some like to kind of twist the toy around and feel it, so it's like just like everything.

We all like different kinds of sensations. So different kinds of pressures, different movements. But as far as finding it, I think once you find it, he's going to be able to let you know what he needs next and what feels good to him. Sounds so fun. It is really fun. I love a couple that's exploring the prostate. I think it's time. What are we waiting for? Let's go. Thanks, Nott. Let's do it. Thanks, Nott. This is from Kyle 34. I am a 34-year-old male who is dating a 39-year-old female. four-year-old male, who is dating a 39-year-old female.

I am in a pickle. She has never orgasmed her entire life, so she claims, and we've been dating now a year and a half. She's only had one other long-term relationship in her path, claims to never orgasm, but I still like it affects her mentality completely. She's uptight, she's stressed, she's worried, she's irritable, she's fiery, and on top of that she's very flirtatious and rightfully such as beautiful woman, but there's this certain degree of pent-upness and something that I can't quite put my thumb on it so like you got the wisdom because We've also hit a point of relationship where

She Seemed so sexually frustrated yet is consciously choosing to be in a relationship with me And I'm kind of thinking like maybe we should open it up. I don't know Stacy I've been her safety net for a long time. She claimed safety was something she always wanted, did a dub, and kind of more than night. Guys, she kind of goes naturally after the bad boy. We're in a little bit of a pickle, and I'm just feeling your huge broad wisdom of this whole thing.

And I can get a little bit of a trend in the line on it. So please let me know, and thank you. Great. Wow. Lot going on there Kyle. Kyle first, let's unpack this. So you're 34, she's 39. You're really attracted to each other, but she's never had an orgasm. And I would say that she's told you that she probably is a little pent up and frustrated. I'm not saying that her mood is related to her not having an orgasm.

I don't know if that's the case, but then you said, well, maybe we should just see other people and open it up because she is so pent up. But I think this could be a great time talking about the third pillar of sexual intelligence is collaboration. And collaboration is where you collaborate together on your sex lives and you communicate and you talk about her not having an orgasm.

I want to know more about it. Like, has she tried and didn't happen? Has she spent some time with solo sex, figuring out her own body, what feels good? Has she allowed you to try? Have you gone down on her? Have you used your fingers? Have you tried with toys?

Is she open to that? You know, does she get to the point where she's about to orgasm, but it doesn't happen? I do want to know more about their sex life. I know. There were so many things here. I couldn't tell if it was about their sex life or their relationship.

She seems so sexually frustrated, but likes him because he feels like a safety net. I'm a little confused by that. See, what I wonder is if she's making you feel a little bad, because the fact that you know that she likes the bad boy and you're the nice guy, is she saying to you, maybe I will have an orgasm with the bad boy, because if she likes the bad boy and you're the nice guy, is she saying to you, maybe I will have an orgasm with the bad boy.

Because if she's always like bad boys, clearly that hasn't worked for her. But I don't know if you're getting your head about it and you're like, well, I'm just not the guy to do it because I'm a nice guy. And let me tell you this, has nothing to do with it. As somebody who dated all of them,

I can tell you that personally, it was never about the partner. I used to blame my partners and think it was their fault that I was in the Norgasms, but actually I realized that I was responsible for my own orgasm and I had to really spend some time learning my body masturbating, getting rid of all the shame, the stress, the trauma, learning to breathe, use toys, communicate. All the things that I talk about are the things that

she's gonna have to do. Is she willing to work on it with you? Because it doesn't sound to me like her going out and being sexually frustrated with someone else is really gonna be great for you guys. Especially if you really like her and you guys have been together for a while. I wonder if she's just waiting to have it during penetration. If you've never had an orgasm in your entire life, I don't know why someone else could give that to you,

particularly a quote, bad boy that's probably gonna give you more anxiety and insecurity in the relationship. Yeah, maybe NCD. No, maybe not to be an entity. Not a CD, I got it. Right. I would not take it personally. I would love to encourage her to master be on her own.

I would want to talk about how does he feel being called a safety net. I wouldn't love that. You're settling for me? Because also, let me tell you this. I know that it's frustrating for many men, I know when or anyone, whoever they're with, when they're part of an orgasm. So you, I don't know how long you guys have been together, but it probably doesn't feel

great because you probably want to please her. And I know for a lot of penis owners, they get off and seeing their partner orgasms. So it sounds like it's not just a little thing to, on the side, I feel like it's something that you guys could really do some beautiful work together. You could try some tantric breathing. You could go see a sex coach together. You could obviously listen to the podcast together. You could buy my book, Smart Sex, and you could go through some of the work sheets together.

You could go through some of the chapters. I think that there's some work to do, especially if she's 39 years old. I think it's time for her to decide what she wants to do to take her orgasm in her own hands and how you can help facilitate that. And please let go of any resentment and maybe heard some of that of just like the so she claims like if she tells you she's never orgasmed believe her encourage her don't add any pressure for her to orgasm for the first time with you because that's only going to make it more difficult for her to orgasm at all. Great point.

And also, I want to remind you that if we're just talking about penetration, only 20% of women are going to orgasm from penetrative sex. So I'm not sure what your oral sex game's been like or a fingering game. That might be the way to get her there as well. Collaboration, baby. Collaboration. Let us know how it goes, goes crown I'm dying to know. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with

Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily.

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