Sex With Emily - Hotline Calls: Oral Sex and Your Toxic Ex

Episode Date: July 10, 2021

On today’s show, I’m answering more of your questions from the Sex with Emily hotline. Topics include: how to tell your partner you want more oral sex, what to do if you can’t get over the sex you had with your toxic ex, how to explore your bisexuality without unnecessary drama, the best ways to avoid negative thought patterns while dating and how to explore mutual masturbation and edging with a partner.Have a question of your own? You can call me anytime and leave a voicemail: 559-TALK-SEX (559-825-5739). For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Remember, you might not be getting the sex that you're craving, and it might just be a simple conversation. The more we talk about sex, the more likely we're going to get our needs back. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubize they call them in a fight on days. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. On today's show, I'm answering all your recent calls from the Sex with Emily Hotline. Tabx include, how do you let your partner know that you need some reciprocation on the oral sex? What you should do if you can't get over the sex you had with your toxic ex and you know it was toxic. How to explore your bisexuality without any drama and the best ways to avoid negative thought patterns while dating and how to explore mutual masturbation with a partner. I'm loving doing the hotline calls again, so all you gotta do to set up your call is anytime, leave me a voice mail, 559, talk sex, or 559, 825, 5739, leave your question and we'll get in touch. All right, intentions with Emily.

For each episode, join me in setting an intention. What do you want to get out of this episode? How could it help you? My intention for these episodes is to really get to talk to you one-on-one and I really think these are some meaningful, meaningful conversations where we can really get somewhere with whatever is challenging you right now. I hope you feel that and I hope you participate. Okay, we have a new article out. 10 tips to revive a stale sex life and everyone's loving that so check that out. All right, everybody, enjoy this episode. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪

My first caller is Victoria, 24 in Los Angeles. Hi, Victoria. Hi. Tell me how I can help you today. I've been dating my partner for roughly like four months and a few weeks ago, I was kind of like, hey God man, like I really kind of enjoy it if you like have a conversation, if like you're going down on me and you just nodded or receptive to it at all. He was like, I don't I don't even do that. I just

like I'm bad at it. So like, why would we do something that I'm bad at? And I'm like, well, okay man, I kind of left it at that. But like, that's been a few weeks. I'm bad at it. So like why would we do something that I'm bad at? And I'm like, well, okay, and then I kind of left a bit of that. But like, that's been a few weeks. And I'm kind of like the longer time passes and more peeve by him. And I'm kind of like, well, you do have the stuff that you're like bad at too, why is this an issue? So I was just wondering if you had any tips for any day I don't have like how to bring that back up

or how to like, make me feel like he's not bad at it or something. I don't know. Well good for you Victoria for speaking up and asking for what you want and you're 24 years old, right? Yes. And how old is he? 23. 23. Okay. So the truth is this is very common that it is someone people in their 20s might not have a lot of, he might be bad at it because he's never done it. And so that's why, you know, it doesn't feel that safe for him. He's like, I don't know what that is.

I don't know how to do it. So maybe you could say, I get that you think you're not good at it, but every woman's different and you might, I'd love to have you try out and I can show you what I like. Would you be interested in that? I'm not expecting you to be perfect. We're all learning.

Because that's all it is. He doesn't want to feel like, oh, God, I don't want it. What do I do with this? Volvo. What do I do with this area? Like I have no idea what to do because no woman probably asked for it. I find that a lot of women don't are comfortable with it. They don't have to ask for it. And then guys don't know. And then they grow up. And they still don't know. So the more women that could think you're going to be helping, you're going gonna be helping so many women

by doing this Victoria. Like it's gonna be like either, you're gonna set him up for success in the future. You're gonna get pleasure. And he's gonna realize that he can't just go through life saying, no, I'm just gonna opt out of oral because the majority of women and that's how we're gonna have orgasms.

Right, exactly. So is there anything I could maybe like, interviews like, I don't, I've never used like flavored loops or anything, but with that, in theory, how? Yes, absolutely. I would get some of this, we're gonna send you some,

but this is the Joe Bilato. It's, we have Hazel and espresso, mint, lube. You could say, look at this thing I got. But I just wanna remind you that flavored lube's great for oral sex because then we don't, I think we all worry about it. How we taste, how we smell, but just know that if we're clean and we take a shower

and we don't have any STI, it's like you're fine down there. So I don't want this to worry that we need to have flavored loob, but sometimes it just sort of, like it literally does taste like mint chocolate. So it makes it really, really fun. So I think that it's just a fun thing and say I got this loot. I think it's going to taste great. I literally eat it out of the bottle. That's how good it is. So that's one thing. And the other thing is I'm curious. Now, do you go down on him? Yeah. Okay., yeah, this to me is like so many women like again, women before you.

We've all gone down on men and not gotten anything returned, but I think saying to him, and it has to be in a loving way, like in an accepting way because again, we are not comfortable, I won't even say again, because the majority of us aren't comfortable with people talking to us about sex because we don't have practice. We don't have people asking. We don't have people asking. We don't have people asking our opinions. Then we think when they bring up sex, that we are criticizing them. So the more you can be like, I love our relationship, and the sex we're having is great.

I know I brought up oral that one time, and I know you think you're not great at that, but what if I showed you what I like? Hey, and I've got some loop, you know, and you just make it fun and playful. Yeah. I should you what I like. Hey, and I've got some loop, you know, and you just make it fun and playful. Yeah, I'm mad if you feel like, no, he's like, no, no, then you're like, no, I'm not going down on you. I, that's what I would.

I don't, I didn't feel like he was doing it because he didn't want to or like, thought anything of like, great. I just like, he's got defensive because I guess whatever ego's there. Ego, but you can help him right now. I just be like, I got it. I got it.

You don't know how I'll put, let me show you. Let me walk you through it. I'm still learning my body as well. Let's do it together. It's fun. It's relatively new, really. So I don't want it to just tank because of this. You know, like, right.

It's just a minor. It doesn't have to. It is. No, it is victory. It's minor because you're right. You're absolutely right. He didn't say to you, I don't like it. Because I've had that experience too with guys. You're like, it's just not my thing. And then I'm like, okay, well, you're right. You're absolutely right. He didn't say to you, I don't like it. Cause I've had that experience too,

with guys who are like, it's just not my thing. And then I'm like, okay, well, you're not my thing. But if he just says, I'm not good at it, I literally get that. You can now just show him, well, let me teach you. Let's become better. And by the way, is there any way you want me to do your blow jobs differently?

Like just open it up. It'll be fun. You're gonna learn a lot and have more pleasure. Yeah, that's me. All right. Oh, that is open it up. It'll be fun. You're going to learn a lot and have more pleasure. Yeah, that's me. All right. Oh, that is good. Yes. Great. Good. Okay. Well, let me know how it goes. I will. Thank you for calling. I appreciate you. This is fun. Thank you so much, Emily. Okay. And we're sending you, Lou. We're going to get your address. We're going to reach out. Okay. Hi. Have a good day. Bye Victoria. I really love this question from Victoria, because remember, you might not be getting the sex

that you're craving and it might just be a simple conversation. The other thing, and no, okay, let me back up. I like this conversation and like we know communication is a lubrication, the more we talk about sex, the more likely we're gonna to get our needs met. That's number one. But the second thing I got from this was, I love that her partner was brave enough to say, I'm not good at it. But I also think there's a, this might be a look-up for you. If you a partner who's not doing something or not performing oral or not engaging in any

activity that you might have asked for, whether it's initiating sex or spanking you or being more rough in the bedroom, it's because they might not know how, but they might not articulate that. They might not say, I don't know how, because that feels shameful, right? So much of this is shame. We don't wanna feel bad. We don't wanna feel inferior.

We don't wanna be insecure. So by opening up and saying, well, let me show you. That's okay. I don't expect you to know, but why don't we learn together? Then it just becomes both of you working on your sex life together. Not just one person trying to figure out,

but you're both in it and you're both invested. And I think it's a beautiful way to let your sex life evolve and grow. Let's talk to Kevin, 37 in Ontario, Canada. Hi, Kevin. Hi, I'm assuming that you read the email. I did. I have it right here. But if you want to tell me your own words, what's going on, that'd be helpful.

Yeah, sure. So both relationships kind of, they started off the same, they've ended the same, but they were two unique relationships. So the first one, I had known her for many years through like mutual friends and then I moved to the same city that she lives in in Ottawa and so I was like let's go grab a drink and then like a month later we had the drink and then slept together for consistently for the next six months. Okay. So she was telling me because she just got into this like 10-year engagement, that she was in one relationship. So I believe her. So then she volunteers information. She's like,

I really like you. There's not a thing about you that I don't like. So I'm like, okay, needless to say, so that ended right? It was honestly like a week before lockdown started and she never really gave me any closure or any answer or anything like that so then fast forward to Last year I met this girl through Tinder and it was the exact same thing. She wasn't engaged or anything But she was coming out of a long-term relationship. It was gonna be like a physical relationship only Again, she volunteered to tell me that she has legitimate feelings for it. It's not like I'm putting them up with spot or anything like that. They open up to me.

And when I try to sort of take things to the next level, she backs away. And now she just deleted me off Instagram. Like we don't even speak together. And then this last girl, she came over and like I made her dinner and like we had lobster and like I showed her out and like crack it all open with your hands. It was a lot of fun and we slept together, she ended up sleeping over and then I messaged her like later the next day and she didn't respond for like two days and she's like I'm sorry, I just didn't see a spark. And I'm just like, okay, so now I feel like I'm like

a placeholder until somebody better comes along for these women. Okay, the common denominator is you, but I don't think it's the problem like you think. Maybe those women are all similar, and there were signs there that you could have looked at to know before you go down that road. How about your demons, Kevin, because we all have them. Have you done any work on yourself? Yeah, so once this with Erica all ended at the start of COVID, along with my thoughts, never at close.

You said then I started doing therapy for the first time. Great. And like it was incredible. That's great. Along with my thoughts never at closure said then I started doing therapy for the first time great and Like is incredible. That's great. And my therapist like she'd certainly touched on something she said Like it clearly goes back to my relationship with my parents and something that I do now and I like I seek approval and validation through my partner Okay, because I would always be asking like even like when we weren't seek approval and validation through my partner. Okay. Because I would always be asking, like even when we weren't physically together,

like hanging out and we were off doing our own things and we were just sort of texting, I would still like to hear that validation that yes, you're still satisfying me and things. Yes, of course. I want, we love us want that. We want the words. Right, so like that sort of, I don. I want, we love us want that. We want the words.

Right. So like that sort of, I don't know if a demon is the right word, but it's something that like I am trying to not focus as much on is like any validation through myself, not through. Right. We had to love ourselves that comes from inside. Everyone else's validation. But we still can need it and give it to ourselves. It sounds like you have a good therapist who sets you on track.

And so I guess what I would say to you is, do you know, are you looking for a serious relationship right now? Are you looking for long-term? Do you want to have kids? You want to get married? Do you know what you want? I do. Yeah.

So I'll be 38 this year. Okay. I'm like one of the last of my group of friends to A still be single and be not out children. So, like there's a bit of pressure on that. Both of these relationships I know that they started out as just casual. That's the thing.

They started casual. So that's what I'm going to say to you is that I would start to be more discerning about who you spend your time with and the women that you're picking. Because if they both started both started like oh, I don't know if I want to think and let's be casual Sometimes those work out But if you think about life is being like time and you know, you're gonna be 38 and maybe dating women who are ready to Have kids You just want to clear that right away like I would spend time not even I think you're at the point your life Well, you can even talk to someone over zoom or over face time before you go out

I'm just saying this is what I'm looking for. I think that paradigm is shifting. And I think after the year we all had that, there's more of an intentional dating that people spend a lot of time thinking about what they really, really want. And so dating people who aren't available, who don't want the same things, even though it might be fun and thrilling because you maybe it will happen, maybe it won't. We don't have a lot of time to fuck around, I think. Like I just think at this point in our lives, we don't know what's gonna happen. And then you'll be able to weed out people

who just aren't available and don't want it. And I think there's a certain fear, like, oh, if I say it, I'm gonna scare her away. Or go away with the thing, I'm gonna scare him away. But I think fine. Like they're doing you a favor, but you get really clear on what you want. And I think that people are doing, you're going to find someone who meets you where you're at.

And there's also a relationship. So that, I would say that it's more about the women and that dynamic that started it than any default of character in you. Okay. So like that, I just need to, because I'm still human and I still enjoy sex. Like I think I need to maybe put that on the back burner. Yeah, you mean the sleeping around and because it's available, you could sleep with anyone probably, but yeah, I think that you, listen, I've been in that same position before,

where I'm like, okay, well, I can go out and have sex any night of the week. And I have a point, so I've been sleeping with a few people at once. But when I started it, it put my life that I wanted a relationship, even though I could be with this guy in Monday or this person on Thursday, I thought time is limited.

And the time I'm going to spend opening up my body, my heart to somebody, is time that I'm not spending looking for that person that's going to be long term, right? And so if you think about it like that, it's time is like our greatest commodity that you just don't... Yeah, so yes, you just don't, yeah. So yes, you could go out of sex. If you think you can do it in a way that's not going to get you maybe involved with things wrong.

Sure, whether once in a while, but maybe no. You just say, I'm on project. Kevin finds a woman right now. Like, this is what I'm on. Like, it's a goal for work. It's like your project. You're going to go on the app. You're going to tell everyone know that you're single.

You're going to talk to them beforehand on FaceTime, that's like the norm now. And just kind of say, like, so what are you looking for? I mean, that's the thing you have to be like, hello, this is Kevin, and this is what I want. But just sooner than later, just find out. If they're like, no, I don't want to think right now,

I'm just casual then, or I just got a relationship, not your person, right? And then you just move through them a lot quicker. Right. I think rather than thinking that it's going to hurt you, it'll help you. For sure. It was hard with Erica because like I

had known her for so long and I'd been evacuated with her forever. And then like when it finally happened, it was better than it could ever imagined. Right. And it just, everything just got off on such a good start. And I'm just like how this like going so well. And even at the start, like I was like I knew that she was still seeing other

men and I was still seeing other women. And I didn't like it was never an issue until she again fallen to here to tell me that she had her jet feelings feelings for me. And then I'm like, okay, so Kevin, can I just do you want to if I cut you off for a minute? Because I know that she said she has feelings for you. And that's the part that you're caught on. You're like, but she started it. I was obsessed with her for years. We were together. It was great.

How dare she got me to open up. And then she left. And then I think you might be turning it against yourself saying, well, this, therefore, means that something's wrong with me and I'm faulty. We're never going to know why she left or what happened or who she found. But the sooner that you can kind of like learn from that story, she wasn't available. Who knows if she's with this guy or not with this guy. It doesn't really, like, how long that'll last or she's even really ready.

But I wanted to take the more you spend time on rehashing that one, which I think you do a lot. It's also gonna hold you back from finding someone that you deserve that deserves to be with a sensitive handsome smart evolved man like you. Right, thank you. So maybe she said it, maybe she did, she said the baby, you know,

she probably did it feelings until she was ready to move on something else. I don't know how old she is. I don't know what she really wants, you know, so it doesn't feelings until she was right to move on something else. I don't know how old she is. I don't know what she really wants, you know, so it doesn't matter though. And it's never about us. Like all the reasons that we think, oh, they left because I was late. They left because I was too short. They left because they didn't like the way I gave a blowjob.

Whatever we think about, it's net, first off, it's never what we think. And we'll never really know what it is. And if you did find out it would be shocked. You'd be like find that, it would be shocked. It'd be like, that was it. So I'm just telling you the time that you're spending on that, Erica, I want you to put all of your energy like,

when we hang up, like, what do you want? What is the list? Tell your friends you're looking, look on the apps and just be more discerning. Because you seem like, you know how to find someone. It's just finally the ones that are at least getting you off from the same foot. Right, yeah, okay.

Okay, cool, is that helpful? Yes, definitely, like it's, so you and my therapist are like the only two people that really don't know us personally, so it's good to get a different perspective on it. Yeah, okay, good. Yeah, so thank you. So take some notes after remember what I said and try to leave the past in the past and be present with what's to come.

We'll do. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate you. Thanks for calling. Have a great night. Bye. Bye. Hey guys, listen, maybe didn't you see yourself in cabin? You know, do you ever find yourself rehashing the past and your ex and what happened and why they did it and we're like detectives, right? Trying to figure out this puzzle that we're never ever gonna find out. You're never gonna get the answer. So if you find yourself stuck in the past right now, analyzing and we analyze,

we're often beating ourselves up thinking, what did I do wrong? I think that that could be a great reset for everybody right now who's still caught up on the X and not moving forward. Take a list right down. What are you looking for? What's your direction in a relationship right now? And then all the ambiguity, whether it's in your dating somebody who is ambiguous or you

have these thoughts about the past, try to kind of move those out of your consciousness and be present with what your future is going to hold. And it's just important to get really clear on what you want and be present with that. If you find yourself kind of obsessively ruminating about the past, it's easier said than done, but just kind of try to redirect your thinking to what I want now. I'll never know about the past, the past is past. You can make up a story. You know, I remember Helen Fisher was on her show and she said, I would just make up stories like,

this person got shipped off to another country for work. You can create your own endings and to end a relationship from the past so you can really focus on the future because there is love and sex and your person waiting for you. Promise. All right, we're gonna take a quick break to hear from our sponsors.

We love our sponsors. But don't go anywhere, cause when we come back, a couple called in, which by the way, you should totally call in, who have different fantasies that they're just starting to explore.

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Ah! So here's a couple, they're married. Hi. Hello. Hi guys. Two. Yeah, let's talk. Tell me what's going on. So I guess our question is, so I listened to one of your other podcasts and also I had kind of been wanting to do it before. But we had tried mutual masturbation and she just kind of wasn't really into it and I would like us to be able to do it and have fun with it because I know that it can be really fun and maybe we could you know do edging and stuff and then it would be fun Yeah, so just you guys you thought it would be good to mutually masturbate together Mm-hmm, and and then you did it and it just wasn't, it wasn't your jam. Yeah, I think it's just because I'd rather just have sex.

But I'm really, I'm hoping to try again if you have different suggestions on how to make it a little bit more exciting rather than just, each other on a bed. Absolutely. I mean, well, first off, do you master, be in your own? Do you enjoy masturbation? I do. I just, I just haven't in a long time. Right, right? Because we're so, we're sometimes we're just so,

you're home, you're having sex, you're with your partner. Well, walk me through what happened the first time because I know you tried it. So what happened? It was just, you guys got toys and you were lying down. Yeah, it was pretty much just. No, it wasn't. Yeah. And then she just said, let let's just let's just have sex.

And how's your, do you orgasms? You've a lot of pleasure. You do. Okay, during penetration. Sometimes yes, mostly with my clit and with toys and then him doing stuff to me. Okay, so I guess the reason why mutual masturbation can be hard is, well, first it's something different. You know that you're both going to get off and it can be sort of hot to watch your partner please themselves. Well, they're watching you and you're sort of learning from each other.

So you were just kind of, you just thought, this isn't that interesting. So maybe you could switch up locations, you could try it in the, maybe in the shower, maybe one of you is masturbating, and you're just watching, and then you switch turn, like maybe you're masturbating, and he's watching,

like what was your feeling when it was happening? You were just like, were you guys looking at each other's eyes? I was looking at her, and she either had her eyes closed, or I was looking straight. So I was laying next to her. Okay.

And then we had a magic wand and the satisfy or whatever. Like we had a mind. Yeah. Yeah. You know, if if she had said, Oh, this would feel good. Like it's right there. And we could have instituted. Okay. I just haven't been on my own because he, you know, he's always here. So if I'm in the mood, I will

just grab him instead of doing it on my own. Right. And then I think it was, yeah, I was just kind of like, we're just here right next to each other. Nothing's really like happening. Happening. And I definitely, I wasn't watching him. So maybe that would be something that I could try to do. And we could take turns. But, but yeah, I just simultaneously masturbating It just kind of felt like why aren't we just why aren't we just having sex? Right, right. I guess well, what was your intention around it? What did you think it would bring to the what was your hope? I mean, I just thought it would be a really hot experience because I was hoping that we could do edging with it so that I'm watching her

Get really close and then stopping. She's watching me get really close and then stopping and then we're going back and forth And then we're doing a different toy and stuff like that You know climax Wow, it's been a 30 40 minute climb and then now we're here, but it just that's a practice Is that interesting? Yeah, so we're talking about edging which is the practice of delaying orgasm So you get close to having orgasm and then you bring yourself back down like if you think 10 is orgasm and one is like you're sleeping, you get to like an 8 and then you bring it back down to a 6 or 7 and you go back up to 8 and you go back down to 5. So it's a practice and then once you edge edge each other edge together, then when you actually do have an orgasm, it can be a lot more intense and it's a great build up because

you know when you anticipate something and you delay, it can be really hot. So is that something that you sounds interesting to you? Did you know that's what you guys were planning on doing? Yeah, he explained that that's what he wanted to try. I think it's probably more exciting for him than it is for me because penetration orgasms are rare for me. So I think that happens to me when we do have sex already. Okay. So maybe that's why it's... But you don't always have orgasms through penetration.

Right. So how do you have an orgasm every time you're together if you do? Usually with oral sex. I do foreplay pretty much every time. And that is... She's dead. That's the sure thing. I'm getting it there. And then, yeah, I don't know, maybe 20% of the time, all those three federal trades. Okay, yeah then yeah, I don't know, maybe 20% of the time all those through federal trade. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, the thing I also love about masturbation is maybe is that if you, that I learned most about myself through masturbation, through like learning, I discovered things that I thought

I could only orgasm one way and then I could have internal orgasms, I could have multiple orgasms. So if you think about like a practice that like, yeah, maybe the first time, I was just awkward, like think about it. Anytime you try something new, a new sport, you go skiing for the rest of the time, you go hiking, you cook, it's all new. And I think our intentions as humans,

like this isn't comfortable, this isn't known, I don't know this, it's hard. But if you think, well, maybe your intention is connection, maybe learning something about yourself, even like, maybe you could just kind of breathe. Because then maybe you were, you said you were scaring up or not looking at them because it was like a new weird thing, probably. You're like, this is my husband, but why are we doing this?

So maybe now you could go into it like, okay, I'm going to spend all my beliefs about what it could be. I'm just going to try to sit with this moment and breathe and try it again, maybe and just see if you could get yourself going and using some new toys and just really breathing and seeing what else might feel good to you. Now, when you're masturbating, he could also like use his hands on your breasts

or you could still be making out. Like, there's no real rules to it. It's just that you could and you could like start masturbating and then you're making out or maybe he gives you a massage for 10 minutes and then you give her a massage and then you masturbate and then maybe you do have in a course for a second and go back like start masturbating, then you're making out or maybe he gives you a massage for 10 minutes and then you give her a massage and then you masturbate and then maybe you do have in a course for a second and go back to the masturbation or you know, it doesn't have to be so linear.

Does that sound interesting to you? Maybe just like learning how to have more predictable or regular orgasms. Sure, yeah. Cool. I mean, that sounds good. I mean, it doesn't seem like there's any downside to actually doing it.

And then if you are comfortable with it and do it long enough, it's very enjoyable. So. Yeah. Is there anything that you've been kind of wanting sexually or wanting to try or any sex bucket lists goals? Yeah, maybe more orgasms with penetration. Yeah. Well, I think a great way to learn that is through masturbation and maybe getting

it like because what I found is that it helps to have a literal orgasm first and to be really aroused. And that's when the penetrative orgasms happen more opt for more vulva owners. It's when we're already turned on. And the reason why it doesn't work, well, there's a lot of reasons why it won't work for many, but it's about the warm up and the build up. So maybe you guys try mutual masturbation, but maybe it's a masturbation set like where she has her first orgasm. If you're really aroused and you already have an orgasm, you might be able to have them won during penetration. Like, if you found that the times that you have orgasm during penetration, you were already turned on or you went down and you for a while. Yeah, yeah. So that's how it happens. So maybe playing with some of those formulas.

Okay. Cool. Okay. Thanks for calling in. Thank you. That's helpful. I love that you're doing it. Yeah. Keep it posted. Have a great day. Have a great day. Thank you. Bye. So here's a couple. They're married. They're trying to keep it interesting and then spice it up. And the first time they tried it, she wasn't as into it.

So what this tells me is that there's so many things that our partner might suggest sexually and we even immediately do a no because it's outside of our comfort zone because most people have it made requests for us sexually to try new things in the bedroom. Most people just don't talk about it, or they keep doing the same thing. So I love that this was a great example of how couples can communicate about their sex lives and actually do the play by play about how something went down and how they might improve it.

I got her goals, he wants to, I got his goals, and now they're gonna go back to the bedroom, back to the drawing board that is the bedroom and figure out ways to have pleasure from both of them. But I hope that that's inspiring to some of you couples who are thinking, oh, we can just sit and talk about it. You could also sit and call into our helen. My next caller is Denise.

She's 51 in Denver, Colorado. Hi, Denise. Oh, Emily, how can I help you? Well, I was in a relationship with this guy several years ago and it ended in 2018. It was a pretty toxic relationship and I just can't seem to move on. I mean, I'm not necessarily wanting to be emotionally tied to him anymore, but it seems like I can't separate myself from him sexually and it seems like I can't really go on to another relationship until I do that and I just don't know why I

fixated on this relationship that was so toxic So tell me what happened if you kind of a little bit you were together for a while or yeah yeah we were together about a year and a half and he's kind of crazy. It has a lot of emotional issues, very emotionally abusive. And still like even just a few minutes ago he reaches out a blockum and he just worms his way around it and still in 2021 he's still trying to convince me that he's the guy for me and he's not. I know that and but yet I can't seem to move past it. I'll leave you me. He's just a classic abusive guy would threaten me not physically as much as you know he would

get me to divulge things about my past and confidence and then throw them back at my face and send me pictures of other women and tell me that it was seen out of people and just the whole gamut it was really wrong. Wow, that's so toxic. Gaslighting and manipulative and maybe a narcissist. All the way above. Oh, that sounds really awful. I mean, you know that it's toxic. And so, and how did it, so it finally ended in 2018, and he just keeps running his way in, huh? Have you seen him since 2018?

I have seen him a couple times, you know, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and see him, and then it's just immediately back to his old tricks. And so, I know that it will never change. Yes. So it sounds like you know all of the right things. So let's tell me. I know it. And so I know that it will never change. Yes. So it sounds like you know all of the right things. So let's tell me through. I know it. I know you know it. So that's why you're calling and you're calling in

because you're like, how can you break me free from the toxic cycle of my ex, which is common? You know what we talk about? Because you know what, they also kind of mess with your head. They mess with our intuition and we think, can I really make good decisions about myself? Do I really know? Maybe he was great. Maybe because he was very destabilizing, right? It was, you know, trust yourself. So there's still some, some aftershocks from that. So that might be part of it. And for that, I'd recommend, have you had your own work around

and have you gone to therapy at all and talked to anybody? Yeah, yeah. I made a lot of therapy about it. And it was actually had distance myself from him for a long time, for over a year. And I don't know, I felt sorry for him and let him back in and promises me that he's changed. And of course he hasn't. No, he's not changed.

And it takes years to change, just someone's really gonna change. And also, you get used to the drama. And the drama we think is passion, but then when you do to relearn, you're like, no, no, drama is not something that's going to be attractive to me. And it can be hard to let go of the idea of them because you build them up. And we tend to, I always say it's like this euphoric recall that we only remember the good, even though he was toxic. You still remember, but maybe it was really good for this moment. And we have this like, again,

it's you, we recall, we put him on a pedestal. But I think separating like what you believe they are from the person they are, and have you ever written a list of all the things that he did? Have you ever looked at it? Oh my gosh, that would be an enormous list. I haven't actually done that.

Okay, I just think it's really helpful sometimes because when you do that and you write it down, and I had a friend do this once, I was like write down everything because she kept going back to me, it was really toxic and she just put it in the notes in her phone. And then I was like,

and then what time she read it? I'm like, what do you miss? Do you miss that you missed your birthday two years in a row and did get your present, that he cheated on you? Like, which part do you miss? She's like, oh, you're right. Like, so let's really just see it all.

One place where like, do I really miss that? And so, I think it's just a matter of journal. I mean, I'm telling you, we did a great episode too about breakups a few months ago. But it was about like, it was like break up recovery because it's really about journaling and getting specific about what you actually want right now. Like, do you know what you're looking for? Are you out there? Like, is the problem that you're trying to date, but when you do, you just can't really find anyone else. It's not even that. It's just that I won't even open myself up to anybody else. So I don't even really try. I think I really hurt from it still. And then I think that the few times that

I have tried to date people, I just don't feel any physical connection to them. And I don't know how to get past that piece of it. Okay, well here's my question for you. Have you been physically connected to yourself? Yes, yes. You're graduating and you feel sexy and you feel good about your body. Yeah, I do all the Emily and got it, got it. Okay, just check it. And so how have you met these people? Like how many date, I mean, it was a pandemic. So but how we wait. Wow, with many people. No, no, just a less than a handful. Okay. I mean, I did too. I didn't like any of them. I went out with like a handful of people during the pandemic dates, fix ups, or whatever. Didn't like any of them either. But now the world is more open. People are out there. People spend a lot of time thinking about if they're single,

what they want, at least I've directed them to. and we've talked a few people even today who are like, oh yeah, I need to kind of, we've all coming out of a really interesting time, and everyone was in the same boat, especially if we were single. We were alone, we're craving intimacy. And so I think that just telling people you're single, going, saying yes to events right now, the world is opening up, just telling people you're single, going saying yes to events right now, the world is opening up and being able to like ask tell friends you're single and say yes to parties that you wouldn't normally go to because sometimes, at least for me, how I've met people is at parties or events where it's not really a fix-up, I'm just meeting people. And so there's not that much pressure to sit on a date. Maybe that's a lot for you right now because the voice your head's like, am I attracted?

Am I not? But if you just go about your life right now and do things that you love and maybe put yourself outside your comfort zone doing things that you think you might love, whether it's like joining like a hiking group or cooking class or just again, just saying yes to invites that you might not normally have done, you're going to open your world up again and start to meet people because I still think that's the best way to meet people is through friends and through doing the things that you love doing. And then what you do connect with someone, I think you're going to find that you will be able to move past this guy because you're going to know that you just someone's going to treat you well. And it's been so many years right now. So I think you said you just creep back in. I would block them again.

It tells like you're still very attached to him. And that's the part of it that I want you to just be strong with yourself. But again, like getting back out there and meeting people, it's going to make it a lot easier. So do you have any plans for the week or next week? Can you... Not really. Part of the challenge is that I'm sober and it's really hard to date sober. Yeah. Four and a half years in and most guys don't want to date a woman who's sober.

They just don't. Congratulations on that. By the way, that is a journey. And I know there are a lot of friends who've gotten sober, and they've all found relationships and found love. But I know that there's a story in your head that's like guys don't want to get died. And this is how my friends who would alcohol like, they assume it's kind of a limiting belief. Because thinking that that's a deal breaker for men isn't.

I have friends, men and women who are all in happy relationships right now with people who are sober and their partners are, you know, like, they're, they're enormous. They can jump a drink or not. So they, they still exist is what I'm saying. So that's kind of a limiting belief that guys don't want to date women who are sober. I think a lot, especially guys who've dated women who are not sober, who've dated women who don't have their shit together and who aren't emotionally available and all the things.

I think it can be really refreshing in your 51. So maybe if you're 25, sure, maybe if guys are out partying, they might not be as interested in someone who's sober. But where you're at in your life right now, like a lot of men would welcome being with a woman who's done her work and knows who she is and knows that she wants. You're older. And no one's getting it. I mean, if you're still with someone who their whole life is surrounded around alcohol being with a woman who's done her work and knows who she is and knows that she wants. You're older. No one's getting it. I mean, if you're still with someone who their whole life is surrounded around alcohol and if I can't be with someone who doesn't drink, guess what? Not your person. Right. Right.

That's what I recommend for you. I think I'm hearing some just some of those limiting, like, I'm not going to find someone and I'm never going to get over my acts and I'll never be attracted to anyone again, but you are smart and articulate and you're beautiful. And I just, I think the only thing in your way right now is you, which is always the case, right? It's always our own worst enemies. We're always the one holding ourself back. So what could you do when we hang up?

But what could you do a little bit differently this week? Do you have anything that you're planning? No, but I think you're ready. Joanne and Joanne, you know, hiking group or something like that would be good. I'm super active in the yoga community, which is predominantly women, however. But I do get out and do things. So I just have to keep reminding myself

that I don't need to be my only best friend. I cannot talk to people and do things. And I think now people are more open to making more friends and we've realized who are our real friends, who aren't. And they're just, I think it's a great time to start again. And perhaps we can all do this right now, is that everything that we believe about the past, let's just all let go of it. Because we don't know what the world's going to be like now.

And we're just starting to see. And I think that we are all altered in ways that we don't even know, right? So I feel like it's a clean slate right now for all of us. Yeah. Well, I want to say thank you for your podcast. Of course. Challenge myself to listen to it and open my heart, my mind to new opportunities and that cleaves with myself and just listening to the learning. So thank you. Oh, you're so welcome. And thank you for being vulnerable

and for being real and first sharing your story because I think it's going to help a lot of people as well. Well, thank you so much. Of course, let me know how it goes. Bye. Bye. We all have limiting beliefs. What are you telling yourself right now? No one's going to date me because I gained too much weight. No one's going to date me because I don't make enough money. There's no one out there for me because blah, blah.

Let me think about it. And then say, oh, is that true? Oh, but it's not true. You're the only one who thinks that that is true and that is the reality. And then we start to clear out those misconceptions that you have about yourself and your situation. You're going to be opening yourself up to the possibility of meeting somebody who's crazy about you and wants exactly what you do. I feel good about this for all of us right now.

After the break, I talked to Brian who's having a hard time fighting a partner who's interested in a long-term relationship. We'll be right back. My next color is Brian who's in his 30s and wanted us to disguise his voice. Hi! Well first you should of your show and you, I love what you do. I see the benefits in so many ways. So thank you for all of it. You contribute. Thank you.

Thank you. So it was difficult at 23. So back in I guess 2013, I was doing television. And this is a small community. I think they were about 90,000 residents or did grind to the hurricanes. I decided, you know, I've been kind of hiding myself for so long. I'm wanting to experience sexuality. And so I felt that I could, you know, do so privately. So I started with Craigslist meeting people online for cookups. And because I asked a few people for dates and they just said, you know, you're too well

known, you're too known, you know, you're not a water bring that into my life. And so literally I knew the people, even if I met them in the sounds horrible with nothing in the dark, it was either, I'm not even voicing it in a way, like people knew them are the waves. Wow. Okay. Or they, and in some way or another knew it was me. And so I thought I was doing a private look up,

you know, and they would go and tell other people. And then what made it worse was, you know, I'm well and down. So people would go and tell their friends, oh, I just met, you know, him and he's the guy, and just, you know, blah, blah, blah. And so it wasn't a really tight situation as far as being able to be myself,

even when I'm not working. But over the years it's kind of gotten to be unbearable. In that, you need people on apps like Grinder. But when you meet these guys, some of them stay on the apps, hey, I want to be just friends, I'm looking for just friends, I'm looking for just a hookup. So I'm a very cordial guy, I try to be outgoing and so I'll say, hey, how's your day going and they won't respond And so I don't put my face on the profile picture anymore because we use a bunch of more problems But then I'll say you know, send my picture within the message and they won't respond But then if I send a new pick and they respond But then some of them you end up sending a new to start to kind of get the conversation

going and they're like, oh, I can't believe you started the news. So it's here in minutes, right? So at this point, because there's no consistency here in themselves, a lot of guys are still causative or very private, I've borne through and I hate those words, but I've been with a lot of guys. But it's very difficult to find consistency, no matter how great, you know, that experience may have been for both of us. And so now it's kind of on to the point where so many people are just flaky or I've had guys say, you know, okay, what's your address? You know, we talked for a while and they're like, come on my way. And so they never showed up, you know, like being those, and it's dangerous because you know, I just give them a say. Yeah, I would.

Yeah. But I was hoping that maybe these are some things that people have talked about. Yeah. Encouraging the queer community to, you know, approach it a little differently. Like to me, if you're just on just to get off, if you will, then why are we been so much emphasis on little details? I've got the greatest experience, the greatest conversations. I'm good at making people feel comfortable.

And yet, it still doesn't translate into consistency or even a future experience. And I've had people who will message me three months later, six months later, and that seems to be their routine. But it's gotten to the point where we're fitting the stereotype. It's like everyone wants multiple partners and multiple experiences. And then once they don't get fulfilled, it seems like they come back to me.

But yet I still endure the whole, if I text them or reach out, they won't respond. If they reach out to me and I'm not available, then they get offended and they bark me. And it's just been really, really struggle. So I just kind of wanted your input, but hopefully this could sort of be your conversation on your end. And I live in a small community.

Okay. That's big too. That's big that you're in a small community. I mean, you just can't make stuff happen that aren't available right now. Like it's just, it's true. Like, are you looking just for men? Because I know in your, in your, in in your message you said you were bisexual. Yeah, so I personally don't believe in doing uh being with both sexes at the same time. So for me, I know that if I'm your woman and I've had this happen three times with both friends

they're ready for me to commit. They're ready for the family. They see the but I bring to the table. So I'm gonna do both. So right now I was trying to you know see what guys would be like I finally dated my first official guy in a official relationship in November and we lasted four months. But then it was pretty good that he had been in the toxic relationship for seven years and abusive. So it was a difficult transition for him. And then I tried to never guy out for about a month and a half and we did well. But then he has a new work schedule, literally, you know, with him taking care of his mom, who has some health issues. I didn't get to see him for weeks.

So I decided, you know, best for him to work. Well, let me first say that I'm, it sounds really, I think it's been hard. So not only because we've been in a pandemic, but it sounds like in your particular situation, you just haven't had, you haven't met a lot of great people. So I'm sorry, that sounds really frustrating. And like, what's wrong with humanity right now, right? We just went through a pandemic and can't people be a little kinder and can't they be a little bit more open and realize that we all really are craving connection and intimacy. So there's something that I think is emerging from this pandemic that a lot of people

are sort of implementing a intentional dating mindset that they're gonna date with intention, knowing that what exactly they're looking for. Like are you looking for a few hookups right now in rotation, would you like a long-term relationship? I wanted long-term, and if I can't say this, I'm going to get one, so it was intended to be with the, I really liked him. I think I may have scared him off because he was struggling with some things, and we

recently started talking again, and he said, well, you know, maybe you shouldn't approach it upfront until then what you want. Maybe you should, you know, just set things kind of going naturally. And I said, the best problem. I said, when I do, I either find that they end up talking to someone else and end up in a relationship so they may go string or they end up things on anything. I just want to be friends. So if I do state my attention to the front and I even invite, you know, after we're done,

I'm like, you know, I really enjoyed it. They're like, oh, that was the best I've ever had, you know, comment. Right. Yes, it pleased me again, you know, if you'd like to hang out or whatever. And it's almost like this embarrassment, you know, and I said, you know, the limits of our communities, the things of the world. But a lot of these guys are out. So I'm just confused about that.

It's almost like we're still in best to be, you know, interested in each other. Yeah, I mean, you are in a totally different community. If you were in Los Angeles right now, we would have no problem fixing you up here, right? I mean, that is the truth. You are fantastic. You're very articulate and I can tell that you have a really good heart and your handsome and all the things. But being in the South, and we're not going to kid the every state in America is different.

Every town is different and where you're at it probably is a lot more challenging to be openly gay or bi, and I know the struggle. Like I know that struggle is real. I have listeners all over the world, all over the country. And so I think what might be useful then is really finding, like what about a community there? Is there a community of people who are gay bisexual like friends?

Because I feel like if the apps aren't working for you now, it's always helpful to, you know, how I've mostly found most of my dates is, or people I like, or friends fix me up. I let them know. I said, do you know anybody? And even if they don't know right away, maybe next week or next month, I've got this great guy for you because I don't, I'm like, you like, I'm also a little recognizable now. If I'm on an app, right? Localeo, sex with Emily. Let's see what that's about. I bet she's good. But you know what I'm

saying? So finding a community of like-minded friends might help you. Going to parties, going to barbecues. It's the summer. And so the apps, maybe where you're at on Grindr, it's just, that is the vibe. And I don't think you should stop stating your intention. I think if you scare people off, they're doing you a favor because it's showing that they can't handle it

and they're not interested. And so if you wanted us to get laid, I would lead with the nude pics, but otherwise I wouldn't. I would lead with a FaceTime date. I mean, that's all the trends right now. That's what everyone's doing. They are betting people on first before you go out and meet them. And I know you're going to get what you want. And I'm really glad you're bringing up this conversation because I think a lot of people struggle with it, the flaky apps. But so the one thing is that it's a numbers game, right? Like, you got to just keep swiping, keep going. You'll find someone, you know, they say the dating apps are blowing up right now because everyone's so ready to meet someone. But then I would also

really put an effort in to cultivating your community. Because if you're not planning on moving, that might be a great resource for you to tap into. I appreciate that. Just expecting that people are good and you will find your person, like expecting and being really clear with your intentions. Like, I know that you have a story or that you're sitting, you're saying, well, I've tried it and this happens and that happens. Maybe it happened a few times, but it doesn't mean that you can't keep trying because it's also a practice being really, really clear about our intentions and what we want and stating it. So, I'm looking for a long-term relationship. These are my values. These are my morals. This is what, you know, I'm about. And that's spending any time on the people who go, or the people who are,

I love when people show you who they are right away, you know, you believe them and you move on. It's not about you. Okay. Is that helpful? Yes. Thank you very much. Thank you so much for that. I appreciate it. Thank you for listening.

And I know this is going to help so many people. Thank you so much. Thank you. Okay. Take care of yourself. You got this. Bye. Bye.

I'm so glad he called in. You know, when he mentioned our demographic, and I just want you all to know that we have people of all genders and all sexual orientations calling in and we welcome everybody. But I think it's a really interesting notion to think about how we are dating right now at this interesting time when we're all the apps are blowing up or maybe where we were alone

for a year, we're in isolation and we're really ready to meet a partner. And so I think that we have to remember that we get to decide what kind of relationships we want and what kind of what we're looking for and what kind of behavior we will and will not tolerate. And what he brought up for me and I want to hammer this home to you is that check it on your beliefs around dating or you know whenever I hear you'll say all the men in my town are terrible or all the women don't want to commit or I keep getting ghosted. Maybe you got ghost a few times and maybe you've had some bad experiences, but please check those thoughts and do not let them define you or your future sexual experiences.

Because once you start having these beliefs and then you create stories around them, it's going to be a lot harder to get out there and date. So when you get clear in your intentions and you write out, I want a relationship. I want the person to make me feel a certain way one more together. These are the kind of things me feel a certain way when we're together. These are the kind of things I'd like to do on the weekends. This is, you know, my goals are what's important to me, morals, values, all those things. And you write it all down.

It's going to be a lot easier to move through people and just to realize who might be your person and who isn't. So get intentional and check your limiting beliefs because there is somebody for everybody and you will find that person. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily.

Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where ever you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this episode, they will too. We release two to three episodes a week, find me at Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all at Sex with Emily. If you'd like to ask me a question about sex or dating relationships, email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com slash as Emily. and so much more. Sign up for weekly emails. I've been told I give really good emails. I do. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.