Sex With Emily - Hotline Calls: Rough Sex & Rim Jobs

Episode Date: August 18, 2023

It’s Hotline Calls time! And we’ve got one common theme: trust - the foundation of hot sex. Because when you trust yourself and the person you’re with, you can fully let go in bed and relax into your deepest pleasure. When oral sex gets too rough, how can you ask your partner to be more gentle and respectful? I’ve got some thoughts. When your partner doesn’t love booty play – but you definitely do – can you still ask for a rim job? Let’s say your partner goes to strip clubs, and it makes you super uncomfortable. How do you set boundaries together? Finally, when you’re the non-primary partner in a polyamorous relationship, what resources can you turn to for advice & guidance?Have a question? Call my Hotline 559-TALK-SEX (559-825-5739) or message me at sexwithemily.com/askemily.See the full show notes at sexwithemily.comShow Notes:5 Libido-Boosting Aphrodisiacs to Try In and Out of the BedroomIs My Penis Normal?SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69)System JO Flavored LubeSystem JO Tri-Me Triple Pack: Limited EditionSystem JO Tri-Me Triple Pack: NeapolitanPolysecure, Jessica Fern: Bookshop | AmazonOpening Up, Tristan Taormino: Amazon | Barnes & NobleOpen Deeply, Kate Loree: Bookshop | Amazon“The Challenges of Being a Secondary,” Conscious Polyamory“Being Secondary While Putting Yourself First,” MultiamoryPolyamory in BLACK! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oral sex is to be enjoyed by the giver and the receiver, which is why I do spend so much time in smart sex when you book to have a whole chapter on how to actually receive and give oral sex because I think a lot of us are pleasers, we get caught in the moment, we think it's about our partner's pleasure, but there are ways for us to sort of have our cake you need to. Give our blow jobs and enjoy them too. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

It's another hotline calls episode and my wonderful and talented producer, Erica and I are answering more of your juicy questions. And thank you all by the way for trusting us with your questions. I know they're intimate and you really share so much with us and we really appreciate it. Today, we're tackling your questions on how to set boundaries and blow jobs. How to help your partner ease into rim jobs?

What to do when your partner consistently goes to this trip club and navigating Pali Emmer's relationships as a non-primary partner? Again, if you wanna leave a voicemail with your question, please do, just call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 5739. You can also leave me your questions or message me, sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Please rate and review sexwithemily wherever you listen to the show, my new articles,

five libido boosting frediziacs to try in and out of the bedroom. And is my penis normal? Or up on sexualandly.com? Are you going to enjoy this episode? This is from Jane 38 years old. This is from Jane 38 years old. Hi Emily, my name is Jane. I am a 38 year old woman and a heterosexual committed relationship. I have a question that's really bothering me and I would love to get your advice on.

I recently have gotten several source roads and an actually now a throat infection from having aggressive, rough, or effect. At least that's what my intuition says and I believe that it's happening and possible. My thoughts are, I don't think that my boyfriend realizes how aggressive he's being in the moment. And I have tried to communicate that to him and he seems to think that that's not possible and it's not because of him, but I think it is. So my question I guess would be, have you heard of this before, aggressive oral sex causing, bad sore throat and throat infection.

And then is that something that I should be concerned about in terms of a long-term relationship that he's not really respecting my body or that he's not respecting that he could be inflicting pain on me when I have brought it up to him. He's not open to discussing it or maybe even saying, oh, okay, I won't be as aggressive next time. I'd love to hear from you. Oh, Jane, Jane, Jane. Okay, I am so glad you asked this question because, oh, like, okay, let's just take this one thing at a time.

First, I love that you talk about your intuition and I think that we don't listen to that enough. And what you said was you believe that it's the rough oral sex that is actually impacting your sore throats and that your thoughts are that you don't think your boyfriend realize that he's being aggressive. I wouldn't go with that. Only because you further on explained to us

that he's not open to discussing the fact that you're having any kind of pain. You're telling him that you have pain and he's not open to discussing it. Exactly. That for me is kind of the red flag because we hear a lot of cases of people having aggressive sex. Maybe that's influenced by porn.

Maybe that's something he's seen, like pushing someone's head down on someone's penis. And I could see that maybe being something he's unaware of as Jane suggested, but if she's brought it up and he doesn't seem open to discussing it, that is where the red flags go off for me. Yeah. You've brought it up to him.

So I don't care if you're like, oh, I stubbed my toe or I have this infection or I'm not feeling well. where the red flags go off for me. Yeah. You've brought it up to him. So I would have cared if you're like, oh, I stubbed my toe or I have this infection or I'm not feeling well, you're in a committed relationship with somebody. And part of being in a relationship, hopefully one of your non-negotiables is a partner who's concerned

with your physical and mental health. He's like not concerned with it, doesn't think it's anything he's doing while it's your throat after oral sex hurts when he's penis is in your mouth. Yeah. Like that's, like what other evidence does he need here? I'm assuming, Erica, that he's pushing her head down,

that letting her come up for air, and he's doing one of the chocking, gagging, like we've seen him porn. Mm-hmm. And so only you know, like we're not there, Jane, but is that what's happening? Is that what's happening? Because you sounded a little bit like you're intuition,

but also you're not sure, and he's not sure. But wouldn't we all parties know that that's a little bit aggressive oral sex group? Yeah, like I have to assume that's somewhat painful if extremely uncomfortable. And I don't know, I know people are into aggressive sex, but it has to be something that you are both into for it to be mutually satisfactory, consensual.

And if you don't wanna shame him, you could just say, hey, I wanna know more about why is this a fantasy for you? Maybe you could even simulate the aggression without actually acting it out about aggressively. Exactly. You could use your hand to like do the tightness and put your mouth as a tip. Like you don't have to actually do the act. And also not only might it not be consensual, but isn't even pleasurable to you. Right. So I want to know where you finding pleasure

in this relationship because the other thing might be when you have a conversation with him about you guys going to have to kind of rework your oral sex game here because whatever it is, it's not providing you with pleasure. And then you have the opportunity now to tell him what you would like more of. So it's more pleasurable for both of you. Exactly. And any partners, how would they disagree with that? Like let's talk about what feels great to both of us.

Right. And when you're giving oral sex, it can still be pleasurable. It's not just about the receiver. Oral sex is to be enjoyed by the giver and the receiver, which is why I do spend so much time in smart sex by new book, have a whole chapter on how to actually receive and give oral sex, because I think a lot of us are pleasers or be at a cop in the moment.

I think it's about our partner's pleasure, but there are ways for us to sort of have our cake you need to. Give our blow jobs and enjoy them too. Okay. Thanks, Jane. I appreciate you. We got Ryan 62 and Massachusetts. Hey Emily, my name is Ryan. I live in Massachusetts. Love you show 66 years old and the marriage for 39 years. My wife and I have a great sex life. We don't get it on as much as we used to get it on. I guess that's understandable. Lately, I've been trying to get her to give me a rim job. I love Asplay. I love hers. I love the probe. She's good with it. She won't give it back to me and that concerns me. And I think that maybe part of it is she's a nurse and she sees the medical. She may see that I'll see what have you, but that to me just stimulates and I think that maybe part of it is she's a nurse and she sees the medical she may see that I'll see what have you but that to me just stimulates and I think

that can just ratchet up sex life to back to where it used to be. So any tips on overcoming that would be great. Thanks, I love you so much. Ryan, thank you for your question. 39 years, amazing. Congratulations for that. And still working on trying new things. I love it.

First of all, we define a room job for everyone. Where room job means it, I think what you're desiring here is for her to lick around your anus, the in opening sphincter muscles, that whole area. Maybe a little finger eventually. That's what I'm hearing from you. So first, I wanna normalize the fact that

anal sex has been around for a very long time. However, for straight men to want to normalize the fact that angels like this has been around for a very long time. However, for straight men to want to have anal play, for many people is still a very foreign concept. A lot of women were not given this opportunity. It didn't really come up. There's a lot of connotations around it that might not always be positive. So yes, I think maybe as a do with her being a nurse, maybe as to be that she's been

with you for 40 years, it's a new area. Remember, we all get uncomfortable when our partners make new suggestions for anything. Like, why don't we start to not watch TV at 90 More to read books? Or why don't we start to hike more? Why don't we start to do anal sex more? It's always like a, like anything new.

And you guys are in a pattern. And there's going to be some concern. So I understand that. And so I think having some more information on it, talking about outside the bedroom, explaining to her why it would make you feel good, definitely doing it maybe in the shower would be a great place to start when you are already our clean.

Especially if she's concerned about hygiene which it sounds like she is. Asking for a friend like what are other tips? Like I don't think I feel particularly comfortable with it. Yeah, with rooming. Yeah. I would say the tips would be to make sure that your partner's clean or that you're both clean. And it could help like when you're giving a blow job, just to kind of because you can kind of like fit your tongue around there. You can kind of like start to lick around like their perineum. Maybe you can turn them over and like spread their cheeks apart. You can

add a little bit of lube to make sure that it's already because lube feels good. I can flavored lube. Flavored lube would be delicious. We've got some Joe flavored lube on our website, which is selling quickly. Oh my God. Everyone's gonna want a ram when they taste it lube

because it has like mint chocolate and caramel, it's delicious. Oh yeah, like raspberry. It's delicious. So I think that maybe getting some lube and maybe you could find a scene in porn or something where she gets what it is because then as people need to see it to understand it,

like this might just be a totally porn concept. Like she's thinking, what are you gonna get off the toilet and then we're gonna sit down and I'm gonna lick your ass. Like you need to let her know that it's gonna be clean, that's gonna be consensual. She can even maybe start with a finger and then just play around, give her some more information and then give her some more tools.

Right. I wonder how she engaged in any type of anal play with you. Maybe Rim Jobs aren't the first one if she's never touched you before. Yeah, that's a great point. Maybe she starts with a finger. Maybe she starts taking a finger and tracing it around your sphincter muscles, your anus, with a little bit of lube. She could just start there.

See how it goes. Listen, she could also use a glove. She could even use a dental dam, which would also feel good if she felt that there were some germs. She could just tell them. She was a dental dam over you, which is just basically a condom cut open. It's just got a flat piece of latex. So those are some places to start.

I love that. I mean, a dental dam, you got me with that one. That sounds great. And also maybe just do her a favor and really make sure you clean up beforehand, give her that ease of mind. Like do your do-jill, Jens, so that, yeah. Let her know that you're doing it too.

OK, perfect. Thanks for your question. Don't go on Do Not The Star because we'll be right back after the break answering more of your voice-mails. This is from Sarah 42 in Florida. I have an issue that's going on in my home. My husband is definitely the one with the most sex drive. He always wants to have fun in the bedroom and I'm tired. I'm tired both the time.

But I'm trying to open up my mind and I'm trying to meet him halfway. And we've had some fun. I had my first orgasm ever recently, and it was amazing. But he also told me that he ended up going to strip clubs. On our last night out, I joined him. And I was very uncomfortable with what went on in there. I was very uncomfortable with the fact that the men are able to touch the girls. They pay them to sit down and have conversations. And if they're touching them in public while they're on stage, well, then I can only imagine what's happening in the private room for the private dancers. My husband assured me that when he goes there, he just enjoys the meal or drinks and watches.

But either way, I'm or drink and watch it. But either way I'm just not comfortable with it. What I have found is there's some nice, but he tries to initiate it and I'm just not having it. I'm not in the mood. He'll get up, so leave the house. And I'm definitely going to the strip club because he comes home very late at night. I am not at all comfortable with this.

Don't know what I should do. Don't know where to set the boundary or how to do it. I love your help. Okay, so I can see why this might be uncomfortable. What I like is that he's been honest with you that he likes going to strip clubs and he actually wanted to take you there for the experience to show you like this is what it is and I want to bring you into it. And so I appreciate that because I understand that there's a lot of people who really find strip cubs confusing and concerned about how the sex workers are treated there. And I also know that it's kind of similar to things that we hear about porn.

People have a really hard time with their partners watch porn and when their partners go to strip clubs. So I sort of put that in the same sort of bucket for many and it's like, you know, our partners are going to have different ways to express their needs and all that. But however, the thing that stuck out for me here is that he tries to initiate sex. You say no, I picture him like leaving in a huff and he doesn't tell you where he's going. This is your husband, like, I don't know,

but my partner says where he's going. If my partner walks out of the house, he tells me where he's going. So the fact that you're deaf to make these assumptions and he's coming on late at night, sounds like this has gotten to a little unhealthy territory where you're both not getting your needs met. And you're both not having really what you need

in this relationship right now. You said your husband is more of a sex drive than you, that's really, really common. You know, in a lot of relationships, you do there's one partner who has a little bit higher a sex drive, but there's ways to work around it as I talk about often. I think it would be interesting for you

to try to talk to him about what you guys could do together, what you might need to be more in the mood for sex. Like when you had that orgasm, I love that you said your orgasm at 42. What was happening then? What was that night like? What were the moves that worked?

What made you turn down that time? Can you think about that? And start to have more of those instances in your life so you could have more time to connect with them. As you said, Ms. Match libidos are so common. And as someone with a higher libido, if your partner turns you down, I feel like that's a great time to get curious about what would turn your partner on, what would get them in the mood. Maybe it's like getting the house in order as you always say, let everything else go. That's on in their lives and their minds make them just fully on board for sex.

But if he's making you feel bad about not wanting it and then leaving you for the strip club, I wouldn't feel secure to want sex with my partner either. That's it. He's not making you feel safe and he's not giving you room to explore your rouse at all. So yeah, it's definitely a conversation about what can he do for you to make you in the boot? Yeah, for a lot of people here like housework or making sure they help, but you're tired. And not sure if you're kids, you didn't mention that or if you're working a lot of people here like housework or making sure they help, but you're tired. And that's your few kids. You didn't mention that or if you're working a lot, why are you so tired? What kind of supports you need?

And how can you take care of yourself? So you do feel like you're in the mood for sex. Like what do you need? What do you need from him? What do you need for yourself? And what do you need from the relationship? And hopefully you're going to find that he's able to talk about this with you so you can find a path where you're both having more pleasure. And I also appreciate that she was open enough to go to the strip club with him in the first place

because clearly her concerns are coming from actual experiences and observations versus assumptions. And so I feel like that only adds to her case for any boundary she wants to set, any conversation she wants to have. Absolutely. You did the work there. That was a really big thing to do. You didn't love it. Now it's his turn to do something for you. What could he do for you? And that might take some work to kind of think about what you might want, but hopefully

you can start having some healthy conversations with him and see where that leads. Have more orgasms. Have more orgasms. Are yourself with your partner? Yeah, let's set up more days for that. Exactly. More nights. More nights. More nights.

All right, let's not go. We got you. Kristen, 36 in New York. Hi, Emily. I'm Kristen. I'm a 36-year-old cisgendered heterosexual female. Singlish, living in New York City. I've been single and have been casually dating around for the past eight years or so.

Through that, I have learned to love and value my independence in life. I recently met a man who lived in a different city and is in an open marriage and identifies as polyamorous. He is wonderful and the situation really works great with my life. We've quickly formed a strong connection and we've both acknowledged we have strong feelings for each other, which I should mention is totally within the rules of his open situation, but something I never really expected to happen. I suddenly found myself in a long distance, polyamorous, open marriage relationship. I've been trying to find other people's count articles, books,

advice, anything really on the situation from my perspective, the non-primary partner of an individual and an open marriage. As one can imagine, a lot of feelings and questions arise from not only the couple in the open relationship perspective, but also from mine. I've come up empty with all my searches, and I'm feeling very frustrated with the lack of information and advice from the secondary quote, or quote, outsider, end quote. Most things I found are from the couples perspective,

which only further perpetuates and reaffirms the wider acceptance of Coupledham in America, which many of these open relationship structures are actually trying to dismantle and challenge. So my question is, do you have any advice or resources of information for someone like me, the non-primary partner and a budding relationship of which my partner is an open marriage?

Thanks so much. A lot of good questions. Great question, Kristen. Okay, so let me just catch everyone up real quickly. So, Kristen is 36 years old, loving her independence, and she is now, though, dating a man in an open marriage, it's long distance, and it's working for her. Sounds like she's having a good relationship, it's open,

the wife knows, but she's also probably coming up against some challenges. Maybe it's jealousy, maybe she wants to see them more often. Maybe she's not really sure how to find other partners when she's like, does she tell them that she's open? How does she go out there and do it? That's what I'm hearing. I'm hearing that in all of your researches

for open relationships, polyamory, ethical, non-monogamy, you're not finding anyone in your situation. And so you are looking for a resource, or a podcast, or a book that will be helpful for you. One of the main questions here is like, why do you want to be in a polyamorous relationship, especially a long-distance one? I find that really interesting because it sounds to me,

like you either you're really are busy, and it totally works. Or maybe there's something else going on. I know I can speak from experience. I used to love to date people and be in long-distance relationships, and it totally works. Or maybe there's something else going on. I know I can speak from experience, so I used to love to date people and be in long-time relationships because I didn't maybe even want to be

that intimate with somebody. Maybe I had some fears around intimacy and commitment and I wasn't as able to be vulnerable. And it felt a lot safer if someone wasn't around that much. I didn't have to go as deep and be as vulnerable. So I'm just putting that out there. Is it really working in a way that you need right now? Because I actually don't know what your challenges are now.

If you're experiencing jealousy, that's really common for people in nomadogamy and most people in any kind of nomadogamist structure, experience jealousy at some point. And then they learn to talk about it with their partners, be vulnerable about it, be really real and let them know when you do this. It makes me feel this way. And a lot of times they'll find that when it happens and they talk about it, they're able to sort of problem solve together.

Their partner might have compassion, have some empathy for them. And then they're able to kind of, it just becomes less charged. They've less jealousy. They're going to move through jealousy. So that's one thing. Also, even as the non primary partner, your feelings are just as valid and is, if his open arrangement allows him to have feelings for someone else, then he should be able to cater to your feelings when you're feeling jealous or insecure. Like you shouldn't have to discredit or downplay those feelings just because you're not married to him like his other partner.

You said you're developing feelings for each other. So that also means that you're also allowed to have expectations. Totally. And you're allowed to set boundaries and you're allowed to tell him, this is what I require from you. I'm going to need to call every night. I'm going to need a face time once a week. So I think it's okay to have demands and I think that a lot of us worry that like we're going to need to call every night. I'm going to need to FaceTime once a week. So I think it's okay to have demands, and I think that a lot of us worry that we're going to scare our part or often, no matter what kind of relationship we're in, if we're very clear with our boundaries and our desires.

Honestly, the more real and honest we are, vulnerable with our partners, what we truly want. The more we're left, the A, we're going to get our needs and that we're going to get what we want. But B, we're going to find out, can this part be there for us? Are they listening? So they might not be able to give us everything.

I'm not saying he's going to give you everything just because you asked him, but maybe there'll be a way to compromise. There'll be a way to sort of find out more about what he needs. Maybe he has some similar needs. Maybe he has some needs that are a little bit different, but then you guys will learn how to navigate both of them. So it's really just practicing your communication here.

Even if he is another partner, you should still be able to get what you want and need out of that relationship. And if you want to see other people, make sure that you're giving yourself that time to go out and meet people, maintaining any kind of long distance relationship is a lot of work and time.

I think that's such a good point. It's still important to keep dating, keep yourself busy, say yes to parties or people invite you to go out. Like, you're always going to meet people. I think when we go out, we kind of take risks and we don't just kind of put all our eggs in one basket. But again, maybe she likes that because she's busy and she's got a life. I'd say some excellent communication and I can give you the names of some books. We can put them in the show notes. How about that? Perfect. Okay. Thank you so much for your question and I really just think healthy communication being vulnerable and being patient. Thanks, Kristen.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where ever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemlee.com.

And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationship, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash askemily. Special thanks to A-Cast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? email me feedback at sexwithemleaf.com