Sex With Emily - Hotline Calls: Should You Break Up?

Episode Date: October 7, 2022

It’s the question everyone has asked themselves at least once. Should I break up with my partner? Relationship success depends on so many factors - communication, emotional intimacy, and of course - sexual connection. Figuring out which problems are worth solving and which ones are directing you to the exit sign can be confusing, exhausting and painful.So on today’s show, I take your questions - live - to figure out if you should make up or break up. Is bad sex worth leaving someone over? What about an age gap that puts both of you in much different life stages? Or how do you know if an affair has the potential to turn into something real? We learn so much from other people’s relationships. No matter where you are in your own, this will teach us all how to make better choices going forward. And if you want your questions answered on the next Hotline Call show, please reach out! You can leave messages online at sexwithemily.com/ask-emily or by calling 559-TALK-SEX (825-5739). Just leave your name, age, where you live and how you listen to the show! (You can always change your name or choose to remain anonymous.)Show Notes:Article: How to Have Sex When You're In a Full HouseUse code EMILY for 15% off Higher Dose at-home wellness productsEpisode: Manifest Your Partner (It Worked for Me)Yes No Maybe List Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

A lot of times we stay in relationships because we care so much about the person, but really the most honorable and lovely thing we can do is to leave with respect and honor. I think that that's being honest about where you're at and leaving somebody because staying is not worthwhile either if your heart's not at any more. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. It's the question everyone is asked themselves at least once.

Should I break up with my partner? Listen, relationships success depends on so many factors, communication, emotional intimacy, and of course, sexual connection. Figuring out which problems are we're solving and which ones are directing you to, you know, and the relationship can be confusing, exhausting, and really painful. So in today's show, I take your questions live. I love talking to all of you to figure out if you should make up or break up. Is bad sex worth leaving someone over? What about an age gap that puts both of you in much different life stages?

Or how do you know if an affair has potential to turn into something real? Are they really going to leave their partner for you? We learned so much from other people's relationships. No matter where you are in your own, this will teach us all how to make better choices going forward. Intentions with Emily for each episode. I want to start off by setting an intention for the show and I encourage you to do the same.

So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of the episode? How could it help you? Well my intention is to have you clear on your relationship. Is it nourishing you? And just seems a little boost or has a relationship won its course and now it's time to move on. Well I'll talk you through it in this episode. Please please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article How to Have Sex

When You're in a Full House is up at SexwithEmily.com. Also, check out my YouTube channel Social Media and TikTok. It's all at Sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. All right, questions. If you have questions for me, I know I say this on every show, but listen, we're going to be doing a lot more live call and shows. If you want to be on the show, all you got to do are leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily or call my hotline 559

talk sex or 559 825 5739. Just include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show, and it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. There's one more thing I want to share with you that has really had an impact on my life lately, and I just want to share because I think it is just such a cool new technology. So I love my higher dose son of blanket. So during the pandemic, I started seeing them everywhere and I had it in my shopping cart forever. And then they reached out and they're like, do you want to try it? And okay, I love this blanket. There are so many benefits. I use it about

four or five nights a week and you get in the sauna blanket and you just automatically I feel calm. It helps reducing anxiety. I have clarity. It boosts my mood. It helps with sleep. I've had a really bad back. I have muscle soreness. I don't know if you've ever had any of this stuff. But for me, this has been a game changer.

I actually started using a real sauna years ago. I would go to a place and pay to use a sauna. And it helped clear up all my back problems. And my knee problems. So now I use this three to four times a week and I have no more pain. If you want to get one of the higher dose blankets, go to higherdose.com and use code Emily

for 15% off site wide. That is higherdose.com use code Emily for 15% off site wide. All right everyone, enjoy this episode. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Thanks, Christine, for calling in. Tell me everything. Tell me what's going on. OK, so I'm 42. I've been married for about 11 years. I am married to a much older individual.

Things have just sort of changed. Keith's older. I'm sort of in the prime of my life now. Things are winding down. He's sort of retiring and he doesn't seem to want to grasp the idea that I'm not really very happy with him anymore. He has separate interests. He sort of leaves a very separate life. I do my thing. We love each other very much, but it's more of a friendship kind of thing. So tell me about the history of your relationship. You said you've been together for 11 years. We've been married for 11 together for 15. Okay, yeah, that's a long time. How much older is he than you? You're 42 and he's about like 20 years older than you, Ish. 25 years older than me.

Okay, so he's like, you know, late 60s. And you're early 40s. So yeah, that is a really big difference. And I'm curious about your relationship. Have you guys ever discussed this before? This is something that might have come up early on, like what's gonna happen? Oh wow, yeah, I mean, there's been like a lot of

financial upheaval. He lost multiple job. I sort of supported us. You know, I, I mean, there's been like a lot of financial upheaval. He lost multiple jobs. I sort of supported us. You know, I was younger than so I wasn't making as much money, but now I'm sort of making a lot, lot more money. It's just the dynamic, you know, I sort of married because I loved him and I wanted some stability. I've been from a relationship to relationship and, you know, I was always sort of supporting

the other person and now I find myself sort of in that role again, throughout this relationship, and it's a great person, but it's not been a very reciprocal kind of relationship, so to speak financially, especially. When you do bring this up to him, and you want to talk about your relationship, and how things could change, or what you need,

well, how does he respond? It's almost like he acts like it's all new news, and then he just is't denial about it almost. Like, you know, I'm a good husband, I've, you know, supported you. I've been the victim of circumstance. It usually goes that way. And then he acts like we never had the conversation like the next day. We go back to like, it's almost like he gets caught in that vicious cycle of,

you know, you want to leave, but you feel bad leaving. And then they're like, guilt, you know, and you have a great message of, I'm responsible for this person, so to speak, when you're in a marriage. Things are not on the same page. Sexually, when someone gets older like that, they want different things. You want different things when you're a little younger. Yeah, you've really grown apart in many ways. And a lot of times couples like, they can grow. It's, I think it's important for couples to grow, but they both have to be growing and changing and learning and doing all that work introspectively. And it sounds like maybe he's not going

in the same direction that you are. Like he's not really even willing to talk about it. Have you tried therapy yet? We just started therapy. Yeah, I don't know that that's going to help very much because you sort of get, I feel like you get to a point where you're like, you know what, I just sort of need to take action, but I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or handling this correctly. And that's sort of why I

message you guys. I'm so glad you did. Yeah, I mean, I think you're doing all the right things. So this isn't what I recommend is that when people are in a long-term relationships, there's going to be problems, there's going to be issues. But when it gets to this point where like now, which really built up, there's a lot of resentment, there's a lot of things that have gone on said and you are ready to take action, it has to be therapy because there's really no way for couples to be able to kind of solve the problems that they've been having for a long time in a conversation. You've been having a long time, it's really hard. You got to get a different perspective. So, therapy's the way to go and I love that you're doing that, but I also am hearing your voice that perhaps you feel like it's maybe too late.

I'm not sure. Like, let's say you do go to therapy and you start going now and there starts to be a change. What would you need right now? What would you need to see to feel safe in this relationship and to feel like it's one that you could continue to participate in? I just sort of want to be with someone my own age that's sort of on the same page and that's the same stage in life that I'm at.

Which is awful, I feel terrible because when you're younger and you get married and you get in relationships as an older person, I know this sounds stupid, but you almost don't think about later, like 20 years down the road or 15 years down the road, you're just in the moment. So it's so short-sighted, but you would have to be a different person.

I feel like. So what you're saying is, like, unless you could somehow magically become 20 years younger, there's really no way that this could work. So it sounds like it's one of these relationships where you love them, you have mutual respect and there has to be a way to respectfully, lovingly un-couple. So maybe I would use the therapy as a way to have these really healthy conversations in a way that he's able to understand. Because I mean, how do you think he's going to respond to this? Do you think he sees this coming? Like, 10, he sees you getting divorced, one, he's able to understand. Because I mean, how do you think he's gonna respond to this? Do you think he sees this coming?

Like, 10, he sees you getting divorced, one, he's like, hell no. Like, where is he at? Yeah, I think he sees it, but I also feel guilty, because this person's older. Like, what are their options, dating options, if he wants to be with someone again? Like, I just have like so much guilt attached

to making a choice about it, that I want to make sure he's taken care of, but I just don't want to be the person that's different, which is really shallow sounding. I think you know. A lot of times we stay in relationships because we care so much about the person, but really the most honorable and lovely thing

we can do is to leave with respect and honor. I think that that's being honest, but where you're at and leaving somebody because staying is not worthwhile either if your heart's not at it anymore. So it's like, well, it's's really painful you also have to live your life and take care of yourself and I would just say this is not something you can rush after almost 15 years of being together but to do it with you know

this therapist could actually probably help you use the language so he could hear it to make sure that your role taken care of and does he have family or friends or people around him? Yeah. Okay. And obviously, maybe they thought this. Like, you know, when you hear someone 25 years older, you're like, what's going to happen?

We know when you guys are older. But that's the other thing. You don't realize what people like the judgment of that. And it's so funny because people think, oh, she's a younger woman, marrying an older man. There must be like, she's a gold digger. And it's like, that's not at all how our situation has been. It's just this automatic judgment and like,

how's that ever gonna work? Yeah, exactly. Those are judgments, but luckily, people's opinions of us are not our responsibilities at all, right? But yeah, you're definitely gonna have the judgment. So it sounds like you're doing all the right things and I can just hear it in your voice, Christine.

You're like, you're kind of done. You love a mutual respect, but you've really come to a different place in your life and you need a different kind of partner and different kind of communication and a different level of energy. And so I would say that I would treat the therapist appointment right now. Like it is, you know, the most important thing in your life. I would try to go once a week. I'm hearing what you're saying, and it sounds like there's just not going to be any room for him to change right now where you're at. And I think maybe you could even have an appointment with a therapist on your own. Because I just think communication is so important in these cases and being a really great communicator and allowing them to like maybe repeat back to you what he's hearing to make

sure that you're on the same page. Thank you. You're amazing. Thank you, Christine. Thank you so much for calling. You best of luck to you, okay? I'm here. So let us know what goes.

Thank you so much. I think that's really interesting because I often get questions about this, like the age difference. What is age? Age matters, age only a number. You know, how much can you tell about a relationship when there's 20, 25 years apart? It's a huge age gap and studies have shown

that a 10 year age gap or fewer years is actually the most successful for couples. And that if it's 10 years or more, we tend to see relationships not working. And I know I can hear you, there's all these stories of couples who work. We've 30-year-age events. We've been together forever. I know. I know. But those are exceptions. Most I think this is exactly what Christine was saying is that we grow through different stages of life, to be in your early 40s and to be in your late 60s, you want different things.

There's different energy, literally energy that you have to move through life and to do things, the pace in which you're moving, the goals that you have, the life you want to live. And so it can be really hard to keep up with anybody at that age or to find similarities with somebody who's there's that much of a gap. But here's the other thing I want to say, is that relationships should never be married on longevity. I think that oftentimes we say, oh, well, I grew up together for 10 years,

so it's a failure. I feel so bad that I got a divorce after 20 years. I think that relationships are a success. If you put some time in with someone and you did your very best to make it work, and you both tried and you learned what you could, and you loved when you loved, and then you left when it was time.

That's what I think about age. I'd love to hear more from you guys, so maybe you are in a relationship right now where there is a significant age gap. I'd love to hear how you make that work. Or maybe you had a similar scenario to Christine where you're like, I got to a point and it just wasn't working. I'd love to hear from all of you. Thanks so much for calling in Julie. Tell about three years now. Honestly, it's a good relationship, we have good communication, we have fun time, easy going, we don't argue a lot, but our relationship started very focused on sex, I would say, and we had really great sex for a long time. We discovered a lot of new stuff together, it was very fun. But I kind of knew from the beginning that I didn't feel like we had that much in common other than sex. And recently, my sex

drive has been much lower. So now that that's kind of taking a back seat, it kind of brings back the fact that I wonder if we have enough in common type, everything. And on top of that, we are in an open relationship. And there is another guy that I started seeing. And I'm kind of falling for that guy. And I know that he is falling for me. So, you know, he's telling me a lot of stuff. Sounds complicated. Julie, tell me, please tell log of you still need a lot of stuff. Sounds complicated. Julie, tell me, please tell me how long have you been

with your boyfriend, the first guy? About three years, but I also kind of want to say that it's for me, I think it's kind of a pattern. Like I've been in a lot of two or three years relationships, you know, it's kind of my pattern is like in relationships, I'm all excited for like two years and up to two acres. I'm like, I totally understand that pattern. That is a common pattern. Julie fact, I was there. I was pretty much the same way in my 20s and 30s

because there's a lot of ways you could say your current guy or like, oh, it's all about sex and this next bright shiny object of a man. He's gonna be the one. He's gonna make feel good. But really, it all comes back to like, you know, what you want right now? Like, what do you actually want, Julian? It's okay. You might think, well, I actually just kind of want to play around right now. Or maybe I don't want to be the long-term relationship ever. All that's okay. But when I ask you, like, what does a day-to-day relationship look like for you? What do you actually want? What would you say out of that? I don't know. It's like. It kind of changed my mind all the time about it. Sometimes I want a really committed relationship. Sometimes I think I want kids and family and sometimes I think I don't. Kind of a love other place.

Yeah, no, I understand that too. You're 33 years old, right? So you're still figuring a lot of it out right now. The good news is that we do a lot of great work in relationships, in relation to another person, but we also do great work on ourselves and our own, and we're not in a relationship. So I would say right now that it's probably like, you have a few choices here. Like you could just say, you know what? I'm just going to focus on the relationship that I'm in right now with your primary partner.

And like decide, like, is it just the sex? Do we have other things in common? Can we have some deeper languages about our values and what we want going forward in a relationship? You could do that or you could end that relationship and go with the new person, but I have a feeling that this is going to continue to repeat. So another option might be to decide that you're not interested in dating right now, that you're going to take some time to kind of work on yourself.

My next option, I'm giving you a few options you can kind of create your own here, is to be really honest, like deeply honest with both of these guys and say, I'm not actually sure what I want right now. And here's some challenges like with your worth, and you could say I'm not sure that we are that compatible, and here's some things that I want. I want to hear what you need in a relationship. I feel like those are a few different ways you could go. I always go for being honest and open

and doing work while you're in it right now. First off, how would you feel about ending the relationship with your primary part right now? If I said, yeah, just end it. Like are you ready to walk away? No, no, I don't right now. I said, yeah, just end it like are you ready to walk away? No, no, I don't think so I'm okay, you know, otherwise I wouldn't be calling it right okay three years is a significant time to be together against and you're open Tell me how the open part of your relationship happened and whose idea it was and how that came to be

Has it always been open No, it's not always been open and it's For both of us it's our first time being in an open relationship. It started with, like I was saying, like at the beginning of a relationship, it's very focused on sex, and we both wanted to have fun and try new things. And so it was more of his idea to say, hey, why don't we try to just play with another couple to start with.

We did that kind of thing, but always us together with other people. And then from there, I kind of evolved into, okay, we can also see other people separately. How does that play out though with him seeing other people and using other people? Has that been something that you guys have been able to negotiate? We've been having good open communication about it. It's worked out except, I mean, I guess except for that. Okay. So this is the other thing. So let's get to the other guy right now.

Like here's the other thing. So the guy you're falling in love with, are you feeling like I'm in love with this other guy? And so therefore I want to end my hope open relationship and just be with this guy because he might be someone I want to be with instead of this guy. Like what's the what do you think right now? How would this look? This other guy is not he He doesn't want to be in an open really like he wants to be the only one Which is really really common right because he probably isn't used to it He's like I want to look, you know, you might think,

like, God, I want to lock you down. Like, I want you just to be mine. It's going to be really hard to know that there's somebody else like competing for your attention and your love. So that could kind of be a classic response to say, no, no, I don't want you to be with anyone else. How long have you known this other guy? It's been about a year that we've really seen each other

on a regular basis. Okay, and so it's just sort of starting to escalate lately. Yeah. And then so what you're saying is that you wouldn't feel like if I said to you okay, well then you should just go with this guy. You're hard to tell you to go with him. You're feeling all these things, Rand, maybe you should just leave your other partner. That doesn't sound like something you wanted to do either. I can't tell Yeah, I think I also know it's kind of what you're saying about the next Shining thing is like I know And may sound like the best thing right now, but like

I'm not sure if it really is the best thing for it, a longer term thing. And like I can already see some red flags in here too. Okay, you can already see the red flags. Good for you, because they're there, they are there. My mom always says the issues you have in the third date, you have forever. Like they are there, like me know it. So Julie, what I'm hearing right now

is that you're somebody's, I feel like it might be good for you just to kind of, try to figure out what you actually want. Like, what have you learned from being in these relationships? What actually is gonna work for you right now? Cause I don't think it's either the or, like I don't think you're ready to leave this current relationship to go with this other guy.

And maybe it's just, he needs to kind of, you need to let him know that too then and just say I'm not really ready to make that decision right now, just cause he might be pressuring you into it. I think you might have some regrets there as well. And so I recommend that you take some time really thinking about like, what is it that you actually want, what have you learned, what feels good to you going forward? It sounds like if you have less of a sex drive with your primary partner, that's kind of

okay because you are able to see other people, but now you've got in a situation where you think you're both falling for each other, and I'm just not sure that that's going to be more of the same because I do think this is just going to be a quick fix you know when we're falling for someone new the newness it like spikes all the like feel good hormones like the dopamine and the adrenaline and the serotonin and all these things like the most delicious feel good cocktail in the world when we are falling for someone else and that's often when we shouldn't be making, you know, major decisions, although we often do. So I feel like that's kind of more what it is. And this is my everything. Like I'm not here. You say, this guy, I know it. He's what I've been looking for. He's everything

that, you know, I've ever wanted. I'm not hearing that either. I think it's the bright, sashiney object. I would go back and I would kind of work on this person that you've moved for three years and be honest with him. Do you think that you would be open to kind of talking this through with you? Would you feel comfortable letting him know that you feelings for someone else? Probably actually, yeah. I think there might be some comfort in feeling like maybe this is might, maybe you could go a little bit deeper with him and maybe... Yeah, I was going to say, I think I might be a little selfish on that point because I think I'm scared also that if I If I tell him that he's gonna be like okay, well then I would rather you not see him anymore

Which probably be the right option, but I also don't want to stop I know of course I get that too and I know I'm not asking you to do the easy thing right now But if you're in a healthy open relationship, they deal with jealousy and they have boundaries all the time, right? They're saying like if feelings develop past a certain point, you have to let the other person know. So have you guys set up any boundaries or rules

in your open relationship that have worked for you guys? And would this have been, this might be one of them, that if you develop emotions beyond what it feels comfortable you have to let each other know, is that if you develop emotions beyond what it feels comfortable you feel like to other know, is that something you guys ever agreed upon? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's the honest thing to do. That's why I recommend.

I recommend you turn to him and you say, listen, this has gotten to a different place right now. And honestly, if he tells you not to see him, obviously it's a free world, you can decide what to do what you want to do, but maybe that's what you need right now to kind of make peace in the current relationship. And the other, if you decide that this is not going to work, but maybe that's what you need right now to kind of make peace in the current relationship. And the other, if you decide that this was not going to work, then you could go find this other guy.

But I feel like it's going to be really messy for you to leave a relationship that you've been in to go with someone else that just feels good right now, where you already see red flags waving in the distance. Yeah. So how does that land with you, Julie? I agree. I think you're right. Well, thanks for your call.

I appreciate you. Keep me posted on what happens. I'm always appreciate it. Right. Well, thanks for your call. I appreciate you. Keep me posted. I'm what happens. I'm always here. All right. Here's the thing about open relationships. Is that like, like I decided that Julie that people in open relationships practice a rigorous honesty. They often have boundaries and rules and things that they continually like update and discuss. Maybe it's just once a week, they have a conversation about like, where were we at? How we doing in our relationship? How do you feel about me dating other people? You know, I'm gonna think a lot of people hear this and they're like, oh, yeah, I was gonna be open But that's the exactly the biggest nightmare the biggest nightmare is that you're gonna be open

But you're gonna find someone else that is shining your object that you like you know Shine your person that you like even more and that's always the risk But again couples who have this foundational Health and ask of the relationship where they talk about these things like right away. You're like, I think I'm developing feelings for someone else, then you can learn to work on that before it kind of gets to the point where you're thinking of leaving.

The people I know that have done healthy relationships, right, tend to have very uncomfortable conversations often about the things that we think we can't even say. The things that you're thinking I can never have those conversations, they do. They may even come up and would date with somebody and say, wow, I had awesome success, but I actually feel something for this person.

I would say again, if you are an open relationship or you're thinking about it, just practice having healthy communication right now where you're at. Be sure to set boundaries and rules and guidelines that you can both follow and remember to check up on each other with this like early and often. When we come back I'll be taking more of your calls live to figure out if you and your partner should make up or break up.

Hey, modicolor time to what's going on? I recently started dating this guy and we get along great in pretty much every aspect like where it's extremely compatible and have a lot in common, but there's not very good sexual chemistry there and those two stay hard and we haven't gotten to the point where we've talked about that kind of thing and so I don't know if it's appropriate for me to address it or kind of see what's going on. You know, we've tried like two or three times now, but I'm like, that might be a deal breaker for me.

And so I don't know kind of my mission myself and how to address that situation. That's a great question. Yeah, how would you know how to do this? We know and knows how to do it. So I've led you called in. So let me just be clear. So you just started dating a great question. Yeah, how would you know how to do this? We know Windows how to do it. So I'm glad you called in So let me just be clear. So you just started dating a guy recently and you're saying the few times you went to have sex He Wasn't able to stay hard or doing get hard. He wasn't able to stay hard It was only five to seven minute window including

Foray and stuff and very heavy heavy on the fingering aspect, and not even I had to tell them to tone it down. I don't know if she's interested in the games or what, but he didn't even finish either of any of the times. Wow, yeah, you know, here's a thing. Probably as an experienced, you're 26 years old. I mean, only because people don't have enough years on the planet, right?

You probably hasn't had that. Because the experience comes from that that just being with other people, but communicating about sex and talking about what you're into and what feels good and so glad you're calling about this because it's never too late to learn. And I love that you're learning now because again, most people don't even know how to have these conversations. So now besides the sex thing, though, it sounds like it's someone that you really could like or as your question, how do I just kind of tell them and move on? What would you like to do here?

Because I can help you go either way. I'm trying to figure out because I really was enjoying him for a while, you know, a couple of weeks, and then after that last time, I was kind of like, I don't know if I'm even interested now. And so I'm kind of in between feelings right now, but also like I was taking the approach of like, all right, maybe I can give it one more shot, see if maybe it was like a nervous thing. More so on how to like potentially address that conversation.

Okay. My recommendation, I have these three teas of communication, timing, tone, and turf. The turf is outside the bedroom. So you guys gonna go out to drinks first or hang out or something before the sex, because that's what I would recommend and then the tone is kind of light and curious. The timing is yeah when you're just hanging out together. Maybe you're going on a walk or you're in the car or whatever you're doing and you say to them, hey I want to talk about

you know what's been going on. I think it's been so much fun hanging out with you and I actually want to try something that I've never done before. This isn't really comfortable, but I really thought we should talk about our sex life. Let's talk about what happens actually. And then what would you want to say to him? Is it more about what you need to be pleased?

You could say, I'm practicing on like letting people know, or like I want to let you know what feels good to me, because I'm learning myself. And maybe I could show you how I like to be touched. And then when you're in the bedroom together, you can like move his hand toward you. You could say, I'm going to put my hand over yours, but sometimes when a finger goes inside of me that doesn't feel as good. Actually, I'm learning too that the clitoris is where the magic happens and when you go

inside, it doesn't feel as good. Now again, so common monocle, I can't tell you, it's like they stick their fingers in, like they're digging for change or something, like they don't know, right? Like no one told them, they think finger goes inside and you penetrate, but for the majority of people with a vulva, just to stick a finger in is not going to feel good right away.

So you're not alone, but since most guys aren't educated on this, he wouldn't know that. So you could start there and Then you could also say like like tell me if there's anything that you'd be into like I want to know and Then you know he probably I'm just thinking here He probably is embarrassed or feels weird about the fact that he can't say hard because when guys You know they want to be able to control their penis every guy would rather have their penis be stay hard than not I would think in like 99.9% of sexual scenarios like maybe

100% guys like I want to be ready to go and when they're not it feels really bad and shameful and maybe he doesn't know why but see if that comes up as well and you could say what would you need to have the best experience with me? And even if it doesn't wear out with him monocle and I know I might be saying things you're like oh my god I can't imagine imagine. Try it out because these are the muscles. These are the communication muscles that I love you to start to work on now because this guy is you know him for a few weeks. Maybe you know as they could turn around and be this incredible relationship or you just,

you know, it doesn't work out but you know that you did what you could do to kind of try to have a healthy communication around sex and advocate for the sex that you deserve. I think that's all great advice and definitely how I want to go about it. I was also just kind of curious from your knowledge, you know, I've been trying to do some of my research, but I know you're an expert on things, you know, maybe some of the reasons as to why he might be having that issue, if it's like he's 2080. Why he can't stay hard, it could be anxiety. It could be, he could be at a medication,

any kind of medical pharmaceutical medication, it could be for anxiety or blood pressure. Maybe he was drinking. Maybe it could be that he was smoking weed or how healthy is he? Is he someone that eats healthy, does he workout, does he? There's like all these factors that contribute to, you know, it's usually,

it's just a circulation to like blood circulation. So it could be something that is eating, drinking, doing that is not allowing him to stay hard. But don't think it's about you for a minute, but that's the reasons it could be. Did you notice any of those things? Did he seem to be, was he drinking, was he taking drugs, was there anything going on? Do you know how he eats? You know, we had a couple of drinks. It wasn't anything too crazy. I mean, we've been talking for maybe a month. I don't really know what his eating habits are totally.

I mean, he seems like a pretty healthy guy. No, like red flags there. So I mean, the thing is about ED, I've read tell this function and I hate to even that term for it, but when a guy can't say his horrors, it's usually like psychological, emotional, physical, physiological, biological. There's a million things that go into it. So yeah, we don't really know yet, but it's usually one of those factors. And I can tell you this, and it's just really frustrating. If he says, no, I'm

fine. Everything's great. You could say, well, I noticed that like, then it seemed like you didn't say hard or you didn't say hard. And I'm just wondering what that's about or if that's happened to you before, is there something I could do by help there? And you might be like, oh, I'm so glad you asked. I really just need you to put your hand around my balls and everything's great, or I need you to, you know, oh no, no, but you're gonna find out

when you have these direct conversations. And again, I'm sure no one's ever talked to him about this before, but I know it's the right thing to do, and it's gonna be great practice for both of you. Okay, yeah, I just but I know it's the right thing to do and it's going to be great practice for both of you. Okay, yeah, I just, I know it's a sensitive fact. I want to make sure I approach it and don't make him feel like, you know, inadequate in any way because that's not what I'm trying to do. I'm like genuinely curious like how we can maybe overcome this and if we can move on, you

know. Yeah, and I think it's really the right thing to do. I have to tell you that it's not comfortable. But I really like my mission on the planet is to make these conversations more comfortable so that if you are with somebody sexually, you just expect that's the world I want to see where of course we're talking about sex. Like if you guys would not tell a meal, right Monica and you guys were having dinner, you would talk about the entrees and you would talk about the appetizer, what should we get for dessert? Like literally everything else that couples do together,

they would discuss, but sex is like the secret, it's like shrouded in mystery. We shouldn't talk about it, but I believe that there's another world that we can all live in. We are of course we talk about it because it's somebody you wanna make their, their experience better. And you're probably gonna have to maybe say,

no, I'm not trying to shame you here. I really, I wanna do this in a loving way. And so when he's with you, he gets really shut down. But now by saying that, Zimbi's like, oh my God, I feel so much better now. You know, we don't know, but I think the truth and vulnerable conversation set us free and definitely allow for more sexual pleasure in our life. I mean, I this I know. That's great. I really appreciate the advice. Thank you. Of course, yeah. I'm so glad you called in and I know this is going to be helpful for so many other people here

So thank you for for being brave too for not only brave to calling in but brave enough to have this conversation When someone that's going to just like I said change trajectory of your relationships going forward I know it's a great skill and takes practice. So yeah, thank you Monica have a great day. Thanks for calling. Bye Bye and it takes practice. So yeah, thank you Monica. Have a great day. Thanks for calling. Bye. Bye. You guys, we have to have these uncomfortable sex conversations. They are not easy.

They are not comfortable. We were not taught this. Nobody taught us how to talk about sex. In fact, we were taught how to not talk about sex. We were taught that it was, so it's to be saying that it's private. And it's supposed to be something for ourselves. So maybe we're told that sex is gonna magically be amazing.

And if you have to talk about it, there's a problem. Well, if you've been listening and you've met me, you know that I believe that communication is a lubrication and we have to get comfortable talking about sex. It's going to change the trajectory of your life, your sex life, and your actually entire relationships. The one that you're in or the next one you're gonna be in, this is a muscle.

And if you're not in a relationship Practice with a friend. Talk to your friend about the sex they had that side. Ask them specifically like, hey, so what do you do to get off or what makes you feel good in the bedroom? I mean, that's how we learn you guys. So let's just start having these conversations do with a trusted friend Somebody that you feel safe and close with and then just start practicing hearing yourself Have these healthy conversations about sex and then it'll become a lot easier and a lot more normal and then you're going to help me with my mission to help prioritize and liberate the conversation around sex. Hi Nikki, thanks so much for calling in. So tell me everything. Tell me what's going on. So 20 months ago, I separated from husband, who I was with for 18 years, married for 12,

which by the way, was like the best sex of my life those 18 years. We really loved each other. We knew each other's bodies, it was amazing. So we're going through this divorce and about two months after my separation, I, you know, was looking literally to just have sex. So I logged on to Ashley Madison. I figured it would be like a discreet way to find someone who's maybe in the situation and I did. I started talking to someone

and 20 months later here we are still seeing each other. Okay. It is also married. I'm still not divorced neither is he and it's just a little tricky because he is still living with his wife even though he claims that they have like separate lives but they're together for the stepson. It's not his son, it's her son, but he raised loves him. And because I'm not fully divorced yet, you know, it's just, it has just worked, you know. We go away whenever he goes away for, you know, business trips and we see each other like almost every day. We have lunches and dinners and he's like my best friend.

The question is, is you really ever going to leave? That's the question. Is the married guy going to leave his wife? So you've had one partner. And now you met somebody which I got it. It feels safe to date someone married because you don't have to really go there. It's a, you know, it can just be like sexual, get those needs met while you kind of figure out who you are right now without a man in your life. Like you're at a different stage of life. You haven't had time without a partner. And so I get all of that.

And so I'm wondering, yeah, like, is he gonna leave or is he not? What do you want right now? Are you looking to get into another relationship? Well, I have, and he knows that. So we've had a few months here and there that I was like, listen, like, I wanna see what's out there.

And I've dated a lot in the last 20 months, not just him. One of them being like a very successful executive director on Wall Street, and he was older than me. He was 50. He was so nice, so generous, but he was just not like all there. He was just like scatterbrains and he would just like disappear for like two, three weeks. And my best friend and I would like Google people like Google him to see if he's still alive

and then he would be like out of the blue one day. He would be like, oh, sorry, I had to try. I was in Switzerland or I was here, I was there. That just has been my experience with like several people that I've dated. Like this guy, even though he's married, he is just like very reliable.

He checks on me every day, he texts me. I could say that a lot of us would say we want that rather than someone who's gonna ghost doesn't not be reliable. I could say that a lot of us would say we want that rather than someone who's going to ghost doesn't not be reliable. I totally get that. So what makes you think that he wouldn't be leaving his wife? I mean, we've talked about this and he's telling me that he just has like a lot of anxiety about change. I have four children. He. Very hesitant about that. Even though two of them are in college, they're adults, they're out of the house, they're not, I mean, one of them is going to Europe for the spring semester. I mean, they're out. And I understand that. And I'm not asking him to move

in with me, but get your own place. And actually, I've even told him, you're not happy in your marriage. If you leave her, you should leave her for you, not for me and not for anyone else. Whatever choice you make, it has to be because you want to do it. Not for me, it's definitely not. I think he depends on her a lot. Yeah, I'm sure they've been together a long time, right? He relies on her, they're together, they have a family,

they have a whole situation going on. So if your question is is he going to leave her? I mean I don't know maybe he will maybe he won't but I think a lot of time it doesn't sound to me like that's the why would he? He met him on Ashley Madison. So let's start there which is a site that's known for like guys who were like I just want no strings attached to touch sex. You know, I often say like, he showed you where he's at and what he wants just by those actions of being on that app. And I am sure that he's got feelings for you and the sex is amazing and you seem like

just like a wonderful woman. But I also think like, no, you probably can't rely on the fact that he's gonna leave her. And even if he did, it probably will be very messy and it will be something that is gonna take a while. So right now, listen, when it's in a fair, you know, it's kind of this illicit romance. You can't quite have them like that's part of the thrill and the excitement. But it also sounds like he's a wonderful guy. But that's kind of part of it. So the day to day, if he does leave, you know, I guess that would be, you know, you guys would have to figure out who

you are now together and you're still in your relationship So there's a lot to untangle here. I feel like this is more about you kind of taking control of like what you really want right now in your life Who are you right now in your life at this point at this age? What kind of relationship do you actually want to be in? Because it just feels really good to be with someone new and exciting But you haven't been in the stage of your life before either. But it sounds to me like, yeah, he's probably getting what he wants right now. He's getting you and his wife. I mean, the only reasons that I would think that he would leave are like two huge reasons. So,

she's cheated on him a few times and she pretty much held him hostage because he wanted to leave, times and she pretty much held him hostage because he wanted to leave, but she was like, you're not going to see your stepson. So there's like a lot of manipulation there. And also she will not have any children with him. And he wants children. Now do I? Not really. But, you know, is this like a long term thing for me?

Probably not. No. So maybe it doesn't matter. Like, here's the thing. It sounds really, really messy. He still wants kids. You four kids. Doesn't sound like you want another kid right now. Maybe it's just something that's like taking up your time and helping you with your, kind of, move past your relationship with your husband. And it's just sort of fun, taking up time. But also, it's kind of the human condition. That if we're with someone, we want them to choose us. We want to be the only ones.

We want to be the ones that like, we don't want them separating their time with someone else. Like, that's really painful when you're intimate with someone to think, how could they go home with someone? How could they climb in bed with someone else? But he's also kind of getting this warm, wonderful space with you. And then he gets to go home and be with his wife. And it sounds like it's a little bit toxic, which you know, might say the majority of relationships

have some kind of toxic elements. It sounds to me like maybe there's other places that would be great for you right now to kind of focus on meeting people, whether it's going out, having friends fix you up, doing things that you wouldn't normally do, saying yes to events you wouldn't normally go and do and see who comes across your path right now. Like see who you could meet out there in the real world. Because I'm not hearing that you're like in love with this guy, he's the one, he's your next person. It's more like, is he going to leave her so I can have him, but I'm not even sure that I want him.

I think also I've stopped myself from going there just to protect myself. So I think a lot of that is also like, you know, that defense mechanism. You haven't even gone there with him, you mean? Or you haven't gone there? What do you mean? Like, I'm not alone. It's all to go into that like, oh, I'm in love, you know, but I don't feel like I'm like that anyway. Well, wait, because you think you might actually make, I don't know, we're just meetings. So you think he is someone that you might be really in love with. But again, we don't know because it's like, listen, does his wife know it's my other question. Does his wife know that he's seeing you? No. And he sleeps on the couch. He has a separate bedroom. According to him, see,

we don't know. That's the other thing. I always wonder like if you sat down with the wife, like I wonder what her story would be. There's two sides to every single story. I'm not saying that he's not telling you the truth. Like his truth is he's on the couch or he wants to be in the couch or he has one foot out or he's mostly out, but we don't really know, right? You're not there. He's actually, you know, carved out of life.

So he's actually spent time with you and it's really exciting. So the time that you're together is like heightened and exciting, but it's also not the real world, right? You haven't seen each other, you haven't woke up together, you don't see him on a Sunday morning, you don't see him when he's stressed from work. It's kind of like a vacation relationship,

I often say, because you're together when it's, you know, kind of like log distance relationships or affairs, it's like only the best parts, the most exciting parts of a human. Maybe it's been a good bridge for you as you're getting out of your marriage. And I get the feelings that you're having, but I also just have this sense that there's like

another kind of healthier relationship for you to be in right now. Or maybe just dating a few people, and I know you tried and there were assholes out there that ghosted and there are so many of those. But I think the clearer you get on what you actually want, we just actually did a show on this and it sounds silly, but it's manifesting your partner.

Like it's truly about getting super clear. Like what do you actually want? Like what is, what are your non-negotiables? What are your deal breakers? What are the things? And like, because sometimes we just kind of go around and again speaking from I've done this, people, listeners, we all, we've all done these things

where we just sort of want to get out of a painful thing and go to what feels good. So we could go in a different man or situations that feel good. And that could go on for a lifetime. You could keep swimming from branch to branch and finding someone because I'm sure you're a wonderful woman. You can find people wherever, but like what's going to sustain you? Like what are the lessons that you've learned from the relationship that didn't work out the marriage, right? I don't know if you thought about that. Like, do you know what didn't work in your marriage and what might look different going forward? It might be interesting to let them know too and see what happens if you just set a boundary

and maybe they'll say, you know what, I realize that like, I'm going to make a move and I'm going to file papers or I'm going to move out. Like, it's been how many months you said it's been? 20 months. 20 months is a long time. But I would say probably the last six months that we've really been like, you know, like really in a relationship. So how so?

So what has felt different in the last six months than it felt before that when you say we've been in a relationship? Before that it was just sex. I think the last six months it became very emotional. And we're like, all right, let's try this, you know, let's be together, see how we are together and then, you know, take it from there. Since then, maybe in the last few weeks, he's like, you know, moving in,

he has a cat, he's like making all these plans about moving in, he has to buy this and that for his cat, but there's like new set date.. I mean maybe he'll show up with a suitcase in a few weeks, but that also sounds really complicated. He's got a wife who has no idea and you've got four kids at home. I just think that there needs to be more information right here and I would kind of tread lightly with all of this and to me it doesn't and I love it. I knew it's been 20 months, which is actually a really really long time. I mean a long time to be with someone in a fair or the wife doesn't find out and you still feel like you want to be with him, I mean, I know it's been 20 months, which is actually a really, really long time. I mean, a long time to be with someone in a fair where the wife doesn't find out

and you still feel like you wanna be with him. But again, I would love if he moved in for a few weeks because then you'd really get to know him. And I guess then you'd go on work on your getting your divorce settle too, right? Is there a reason why that? I filed, we're actually at the very last phase of it. I think finding out more and then holding him to it

and kind of maybe having some more deeper conversations about what you both want and how you want to live your life maybe you've already done that. Like what the future looks like and how you guys live together but I think it's important to find out all that information and with a date and see if he sticks to it. I think that you'll have your answer. I think that's a great non-negotiable

like if you don't keep this date, then you know, then this really doesn't feel like you're as serious. I'm not going to invest more time and energy in this. Hi, every. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks for calling in. Let me know how it goes. We all want to know. There's so many stories of people who had an affair and then left their primary part over somebody else and it works out, and I love that. But we're not talking about that right. We're talking about in the moment,

what's gonna happen, what kind of information can you find out to find out if this person is somebody that you want to at least take the next steps with or if it's just better off to leave in a fair and to leave like a thrill. But I tell you that for all these questions you have right now, should I stay, should I go in a relationship, the only way we're gonna find out the truth and what our next step should be is by having

open and honest conversations about the things that we think we cannot say. Check yourself. Where am I holding back? What am I not saying because I'm afraid I'm going to hurt my partner's feelings or what am I not saying because it feels too vulnerable and hard? Well guess what? Those are the things that you have to say. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast

and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739. A go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to A-Cast for powering the Sex With Emily podcast.

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