Sex With Emily - Hotline Calls: The Do’s and Don'ts of Non-Monogamy

Episode Date: December 27, 2022

Are you considering opening up your relationship? When and how did you decide to do so? And did moving away from monogamy change your perspective on sex and pleasure? Today, I’m taking your calls all about being in open relationships. First up: a group sex success story after a married couple learned to communicate their fantasies – always love hearing those. Next, they have a great sex life, but after a threesome gone wrong, she’s worried he’ll leave. How can she alleviate her anxiety and share her fears? Finally, we define compersion and discuss what to do when your partner wants a threesome… but you don’t. We get into all this and more on today’s hotline show. Show Notes:Article: The Podcast Eps + Articles You Loved in 2022PromescentArticle: These Are The 5 Arousal Styles. Which One Are You?SWE Pleasure Planner, Yes No Maybe List & More Guides Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

That's the really cool thing about your sex life is that it's not static. It's not in just one place. There's always layers to peel from it. You can always start peeling back the layers, the layers of the onion. They'll always be more if you both choose to explore and to be honest and open. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

So have you ever considered opening up your relationship? When and how did you decide to do so? And did moving away from monogamy change your perspective on sex and pleasure? Well today I'm taking your calls all about being an open relationship to alternative relationships. We get into all this and more on today's hotline show. Intentions with Emily for each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show and I encourage you to do the same. Well my intention is to normalize non-traditional relationship structures.

Well, navigating Pile Amory can be difficult. Couples with the right foundation of trust and communication will unlock a whole new level of pleasure. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It really, really helps us. So I appreciate you so much. My new article, The Podcast Episodes and Articles, you loved in 2022, is up at sexwithamlee.com. Check out my YouTube channel, social media and TikTok. It's all at Sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice.

If you want to ask me questions, do it. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Or call my hatline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 5739. Today's episode is presented by a promising stick around to hear about their libido enhancing bide flux supplement at the end of this episode. Art everyone, enjoy the show! Alright, let's have to mark 54 in New York. Hi Mark, what's going on? Thanks for calling.

Hi, Emily. How are you? So good. How about you, Mark? You know what? I'm good. And I called a while back. And my wife and I had ventured into the swinging arena. And I thought I'd give you an update because it's been so

beneficial to what we're doing. Oh my God, tell me everything. Yes Mark, tell me everything. I love a good happy call here. What's going on? Yeah, you know what? I guess what we've been able to do is finally talk about what we want, like fantasy stuff and things like that. And so before that, we didn't say anything about that. Okay, you never talked about your fantasies or what you were into. It's all right. People don't do it. You know what?

And you know what? We've been able to, so what we've been able to do is kind of like go for what each of us is into and it's then just fun. What happens is I think I'm a lawyer side because I love watching her just being so pleasure. Yeah, it's hot, right? And so that's great. Yeah, so you guys hadn't, okay, so you learned that that really turned you on. What turns her on? I think what turns her on is being with multiple people. She likes maybe being the center of attention.

Yeah. Okay. And you're cool with it. So you know what, I'm cool with it and it's quite, it's just been a lot of fun for us. And we've done, you know, we've done it maybe four or five times, but what's also great is just talking about that and it kind of like feeds our own fire. Yeah. Like talking about what happened, like you're like, that was really hot when those to watch you with those people the other night or whatever happened right it's like becomes your little yes like secrets yeah it becomes our and she

she kind of gets turned on by a two like we've never done it with like other just another male but recently we did and i think i've never seen her so turn down. Yeah. How long have you guys been together Mark? I want to just know how long were you together before you opened it up and started swinging? Oh, we were together maybe 22 years. Wow. Wow. That's amazing. Would you ever have thought a year ago that it would happen? No, and it happened by chance on a boat.

Oh. So it was a... Okay. I don't drink, but Jen does, and she was a little bit buzzed, and we went back into the boat, and there was another group kind of in the front of it that were playing around. So we just stayed where we were in our area and just started doing our own thing. And next thing I know, there was people joining us. Wow.

Oh my God. So it's really turned around in your sex. How was your sex life before that? Before you started bringing other people? You know what? It was more of a n-one and becoming less frequent. Yes, and now I'm sure. See, Mark, people think, oh, no, what can't handle it.

It's not for everybody, right? There's something we won't be able to handle it, but it really was. You're able to discuss boundaries, and there hasn't been any jealousy or anything like that. There has it. Because we did we did discuss what we were okay with. Right. And I really like the poster. There wasn't a lot of things that were totally off limits, but we were together. We have to, you know, get a rose in the same situation.

I'm happy for you, Mark. I love to hear these stories because I know they exist and then they just think that for some people, it's true. A lot of people like I couldn't imagine it if my partner ever did that I would leave. Obviously, you'd have to both be on the same page. For many people, it's just outside of their realm of possibility, but listen, if people are having great sex and they have one of these other people, you know, I just think sometimes it can be

that spice you need, it's variety. It's hard to be with someone the same person for 22 years and to keep it hot. I mean, that's saying swing is the only answer, but variety, and so this is just another form of variety and novelty and trying something new. It's great, Mark. I love it. It really is. Oh, yeah.

And I always appreciate your advice and your, your, your, you're just a breath of fresh here. Thank you. Yeah, appreciate it. So good. See, called in six months ago, they were thinking about swinging 22 years together. And now they're still learning. I mean, that's the really cool thing about your sex life is that it's not static. It's not in just one place. There's always the layers to peel from it. You can always start peeling back the layers at the layers of the onion. They'll always be more if you both choose to explore and to be honest and open. I think what he also said is true is that what I've heard

from many couples who swing is that they use it as a dirty talk in the bedroom. Like it gets them even more turned on. Like how hot it was when I saw you with that man, the other night and watching you get so aroused, got me aroused, and then when you're taught, it's kind of like your own erotica that actually happened. I like hearing success stories from you guys,

anything else? You guys, let me know. We have Kate, 32 in Pennsylvania. Tell me what's going on, how can I help you? So my fiance and I have been together for about five years. And for the last year, we talked about having a threesome together. This was something that I experimented with while I was single, never in a relationship.

And this was something that we talked about while we were in the bedroom only, so we never really brought the conversation outside of the bedroom. And I just been so busy with life and everything. I haven't really had a chance to research anything about that until like after we had something with one of our friends it's turned into a sticky situation because like it's a friend in a large group and so every time we see this person it makes me feel like really anxious and I'm overthinking about how they interact and their behavior and now it's gotten even more complicated

because this particular person that we had a three-some-with is now interested in one of his best friends. And my fiance hasn't shared the news with his best friend because he is afraid that it will ruin their friendship. I've listened to your podcast, and you always advise not to do it with friends. And I see why now. You can't do it with a friend, but this can happen.

So yes, I often advise it's probably best to do a people that you don't know. So you had a threesome with your fiance five years and afterwards what I'm hearing is when you started to feel like it wasn't the right thing, what happened during the actual threesome? Was it an enjoyable experience? Was there any part of it that was good?

Or was it, how was it? I think during the experience, there was parts of it that was definitely good. Overall, it was very awkward, I would say. I don't know why. It was just like the vibes. We had a lot of hesitation. There was awkward vibes.

And there was something that happened that I was not comfortable with with but I didn't like research so I didn't know like oh there's like ways that we can communicate, you know him and I like say words and things like that. So they penetrated and I wasn't really comfortable with that. and talked about it so much afterwards. And it just brought up a lot of anxious feelings in me, like, I guess, childhood trauma stuff. To reiterate what I often say is that we four couples have a threesome. Talk about as many scenarios as you can, like, set some boundaries.

Is it OK to penetrate? Is it OK to kiss? Can the third person see Boba? So it sounds like you've learned a lot here on the job, as they say. So you're like, I wouldn't want to do it this way again. But how's it going with the communication now with your fiance?

Are you guys really talking about it and learning from it? Is he comforting it anyway? Where are you guys at right now with your relationship around this? This experience was about two months ago. And since we've like talked a lot, I'm working a lot on myself and I'm in therapy. So I feel like our communication's good

and we have like open communication and we have like an understanding now with each other and it's been on a weekly basis where like she comes up or like the conversation comes up and we're also on different schedules so we have a problem with having lack of like quality time together So when we do have time together we always argue about like how we can we make the time like better or like okay. Okay, because right now I would say the most important thing is to really work on the strength of your relationship with your fiance and work on your intimacy. And I love that

you're talking about ways that you can really use the time that you are together in the way that nurtures your relationship the best. And so, yeah, I mean, that is the right thing to do. Do you think that it might be helpful to get some therapy together? I think it's helpful for most couples. Exactly, yeah, I think that it's a good tool to explore different ways to cope and communicate. He is not really into the idea.

I've brought it up, like, because I have a therapist that I go regularly. So I'm like, well, what if we have a session together? He doesn't like the idea because I think he still, like, goes along with what society thinks, like therapies for people that are troubled or, you know, in a relationship, it's only you go to it if you have, like, a huge problem.

It's hard to break that. This is kind of an important information that for someone you're gonna get married to and spend your life with, you are prioritizing mental health and your wellness and you realize that we're always growing and learning and therapy's a wonderful way to do that. And then you're with a partner

that doesn't really feel that right now. So to me, that's something I would focus on with him and really see what is really important for you right now to feel safe in the relationship? Like, what do you need from him? And how can you ask him for that? And what does he need from you right now for the relationship to grow? How is your sex life before the threesome? Oh, it was always really great. The one thing I've noticed though that has changed after the threesome is we're like getting to know each other like intimately in ways that we've never had before. It's like opened up a new like layer of communication in the bedroom before it was great, but now

it's even better. Oh, this is great. So you guys are really connecting intimately that because that's the other thing like, you know, these kind of situations when we kind of mix it up try something new, even if it's a threesome which can be risky, it sounds like you both kind of learn from it and you're growing in this way. So I'm going to go back to the question, do you know what you would need right now to feel safe in the relationship?

So I think for me, I would need quality time, but it's hard because we're on opposite schedule or at least trying to implement ways that we feel connected. Maybe that's like writing a letter or doing different things around the house that I can still feel a connection from them, even if we're physically on different schedules. Okay, have you guys talked about this? Cause everything's about compromise, right?

So I've heard you say that you're on opposite schedules, which is not fun at all. So knowing that now, when you do have that time together, a few times a week or whenever that is, how do you maximize that time? So you're not just talking about what happened in the past, but you're building new routes going towards the future. I think it's really difficult to kind of change

the habit that we've created already. So I even find myself bringing it up or the topic of conversation will come up because like she'll text us or snap us or whatever. And so like it's just like kind of a vicious cycle is that it's really hard to break. But I'm not gonna express that like some of my needs to him.

And he's done a good job with understanding what I need but hasn't really fully implemented because he feels like he's not doing enough then. Okay, well I want to go back to this friend texting you like do we need to put some boundaries in how well do we know the friend? Do we like the friend? Do we trust the friend? He's known her since high school days so they've known each other for a long time. I've only known her for about two years and she's someone that hasn't really been in our lives like a whole lot but I guess sporadically I'm not really

close with her. I haven't really hung out with her one-on-one very often just like maybe a handful of times like two or three times so I don't know her like extremely well. I would say that he does and they have like times sporadically where they all like play like video games on the computer like one on one or in a group setting and after the three-some happen they were like hanging out while I was at work going to like breweries and like baking together and I like quickly like laid my boundaries and telling him that I'm not comfortable with that. We didn't necessarily extend that to her. But now she's like talking to his best friend. So that's where things are also very complicated.

Yeah, this sounds really complicated. I would feel probably uncomfortable too. Like I understand that. Like you saw them in intimate situation. Now they're going out drinking and hanging. And you're allowed to set boundaries here and to say like, I'm not okay with you seeing her, but I know this could get really, really tricky. What is the part that's making you the most anxious right now about it? I feel like I can trust him.

He gets upset because he feels like I don't trust him. And it's not that. It's just my own anxious fear of him leaving me for her. I guess because like I've said, I've had an experience before, but I was single so it wasn't in a relationship setting. So it like changes the dynamic. So I guess my huge fear of anxiety here

is like him leaving me for her, finding her like more attractive or more appealing and better, something we've done. Thank you for all this background. I mean, I really think what needs to happen is that the next time you're together or more peeling and better, something is done. Thank you for all this background. I mean, I really think what needs to happen is that the next time you're together is having a conversation.

You could say to him, I like our sex life and here's what I like about it. I'm open to continue exploring and grow but I don't feel comfortable and I don't feel safe. If we continue to have a relationship with her in this way, it's triggering, it's all these things. And so I need you to know that I'm not okay with it. Here we have to say back to you because I think this is what we do. We compromise. Maybe at some point in the future, you could bring your back into

the relationship, but you have every right to say to your partner like, I'm not okay with this. We probably didn't handle it correctly. And you could also have a conversation with her as well. I would be triggered too if she kept texting and you guys were together, she's snapping you. He's probably sensing it as well, right? That things haven't been as great and you're fighting more. And so again, I would work with him on like, what can we do? And if it's like planning things for the time that you do have together, maybe you get out of the house, you go to dinner or you, wherever the things that you are that you love doing. I know it's so easy to get set in our ways, but it sounds like there needs to be some time for the two of you to kind of have work

on something together right now. And that would be like your communication and work on figuring out what your goals are and what you guys wanna happen in the next year. What could you guys do together to strengthen this bond? Which is, it sounds like there's some trust that maybe you've been broken into some safety. And that is really hard been broken into some safety.

And that is really hard to repair on our own. And I love that you're in therapy, but I think it would be really helpful for you guys to go together. Like maybe he would just come with you to your therapy, you know, once because again, I have to tell you that it's you're somebody who values therapy. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't is challenging. It sounds like you've been trying to talk to him. Maybe there's other ways, but I think just saying like,

this is what I get out of therapy. Maybe you can share with him, you know, what I get. And this is how I think it could help us. And the way at therapists is just a mediator. It's gonna help you guys get into your feelings more. And then people articulate to each other where you're at right now, what you need. To see is you're gonna come around

and easy gonna have this conversation. I mean, you've been trying to do it and it just might I happen and I'm all about like let's just go once to therapy and together and see what happens That's what I recommend are there Like bringing it up to him because I have in the past and he's always like well, it's stuff that I can work on myself So is there any ways that you would recommend me asking at least? Yeah, absolutely

This is where I use my timing tone and turf, you know, outside the bedroom, your tone is like light and it's curious and it's open and you're listening. Your timing is doing it when you are not stressed and it's not like you haven't seen each other in a while. I think you just say to them, I've been thinking a lot about it the last few months

and I know we've kind of been in the weeds with this whole, through something, but I realize it to go forward in our relationship. It's really important to me that we can go see a therapist together. You know, you know, better than I do, but again, no one had a perfect childhood. So I'm sure there's probably some strange with his dad or his mother or sister. And you could just say, this is going to help us together as a couple, as a union, become much stronger together.

You love him and you're not going to suggest anything that's going to hurt him, but it's only going to strengthen you. That's what I recommend and letting him know that it's urgent and it's important to you. Okay, yeah, I'm going to try this out. You're in the right here. You're doing the right things you're taking care of yourself. I'm proud of you. Thank you for calling in and thank you for committing to this the mental health journey and the sexual health journey. I am going to get my therapy pedestal here. I understand even 10 years ago, people were not comfortable talking about therapy and it had more of a stigma, but right now it's like the entire world went through a collective trauma. That's kind of brought the world together.

Anyway, if you think about it, we've all understand now what it's like to get our rights taken away, to be isolated, to be at home. There was a lot that happened. And I think that some of the positives the pandemic is that we heard a lot more about mental health. There is just really no excuse for not taking a look at what is going on internally. You know, we all have to do that journey, that 12 inch journey in our head to our heart. A lot of us are just so deeply disconnected. And I think it's okay to say, I'm only going to be with a partner who prioritizes a growth mindset, who works on themself, who wants to continue to grow and a partner who prioritizes a growth mindset, who works on themselves, who wants to continue to grow and be a better human. And I don't know any other better way to do that.

Then, being with a trusted therapist and committing to going once a week for a year, and it is a non-negotiable commitment that is going to, certainly, the groundwork for a healthier life. Stick around for more of your questions all about open relationships and polyamory. Let's talk to, uh, wow, these are both good. Rob 37 in Texas. Hi Rob, what's going on? Hey Dr. Emily, thanks so much for taking my call. I can imagine you reading it up front going, wow, I want to know. No, I do Rob, it's a really good question. I actually love this. I want to talk to you about this. I'm like, yes, bring it. Excellent, excellent. Well,

so Emily, last year you gave me the word, compersion. I called in and asked about thoughts that I had and things that I had experienced with my wife and we, last year you gave me the word compersion. I called in and asked about thoughts that I had and things that I had experienced with my wife and we both enjoyed. And you gave me the word compersion, which I've read up on it since then and studied it and have fallen in love with the word because that's exactly what it was.

And the reason why I like the word compersion is because I don't like the word cuckolding. Right. And everything I've read about cuckolding has a kind of degrading type of sense to it. And that's not anything close to what I feel on the degrading side. I enjoy seeing the pleasure that somebody else gets, you know, from an external point of view,

rather than being physically wrapped up in the moment like when she and I are intimate together and is amazing. I get a different sense of a mental pleasure out of seeing it in another situation, but in talking with her about that and discussing those types of things outside the bedroom thanks to your advice, she kind of gets at some times that I want her to be with other people and that's not it. It's not that I want her to be with other people. It's that I enjoy the seeing pleasure from an external point of view. If that makes sense. And I'm just having trouble having that discussion without her thinking that I truly just want her to go be with other men, which is not the truth. And then okay.

Okay. You know what? You know what you thought? Yeah. No, this is great. Rob, let me just kind of catch everyone up here. What I talk about is compulsion. Rob, let me just kind of catch everyone up here. What I talk about is compulsion. And that is a word than people who are in open relationships or they swing or they cuckold. It means that you actually, and this is a stage that people go through and you can get there

from some people that they actually get joy and pleasure from seeing their partner have sex with someone else, be intimate with someone else, that truly gives you joy that your partner is being pleasure by somebody else. And that is something that I've seen, I think I was talking about in reference to open relationships and people are like, oh God, I would be so jealous if my partner was with someone else. I said, well, ultimately, for many people I know who do in the right way, they have compersion. They actually get through the jealousy and say, well, I'm really glad that my partner is experiencing that.

I'm happy when you're happy, right? Like, if your partner gets a raise and you're like, oh, babe, I'm so, you're genuinely happy for them. But then cuckolding, it's typically men watching their female partners or wives have sex with another man. And you're right. It does have negative connotations in the sense of the man watching. It's the most disgraceful thing you can imagine

and then actually watching that somehow twists on it and makes you feel even so worse that it turns into an erotic pleasure. You know, and what you're saying is no, you don't feel any shame around it. Rob, have you guys opened up the relationship? It all has there been any swinging or playing with other people?

Early in our relationship, we have done that. And we don't really do it as much anymore because kids are involved and life gets in the way. However, occasionally we will go to a club here in Texas that allows on-site types of activities. And we just play with ourselves, however, it is at times in group settings.

So we don't have any problems with that, and don't have any problems with other people. But yes, we do have that in our history, and that it times open, and it is fantasized about, and talked about just not really experienced as much at all as it has in the past. But you know that some of the underlying features are still there with the compersion that I

have mainly. And I don't expect it out of her. I don't expect to be with another woman, but I do get the pleasure out of seeing her being pleasure in different types of situation. It could be with another woman. It could be with another man, both of those things have happened, but she sometimes in a negative life, when there's too much stress or anxiety, thinks that I'm hung up on a fantasy that I want her to go out and be with other men, and that's over the edge.

That's nowhere near close to what I feel. Okay, so I get that, so you're saying that you actually have even more pleasure when you are watching her with someone else. What does she want, Rob? What turns her on? Interestingly enough that the past six months she has discovered how to squirt and squirt multiple times. And so that's been her big turn on lately. And mine too is that we've discovered this newfound ability that she has and how to get her to that point. So yeah. Right. Does she want to be with other people?

Like, does she want that right now, current day? It will. We talk about it at times, but I can't tell whether she's saying that to please me in a fantasy mode or whether that's something that she, that she really wants because, you know, it's different times of, you know, alcohol involved and party and all night and hormones getting involved, that I can't really break that down enough

to see whether that's truly a want or that's something that she's saying because she knows that that's what I want even in a fantasy type of situation. Well, that's what we got to get to then Rob. I don't think it's about her believing in comparison or not. I think it's just another you said you listen timing tone and turf outside the bedroom conversations. This is something that you need to have again and again and to be open and curious and honestly now how have you been together Rob? We've been together for 15 years. Okay. I feel like when we're authentically ourselves and we keep Carrying down the walls and all the things that we put up that she would know that this is something you authentically

Derived to you that you're not getting mad at her you're not getting angry with her So I just think that there has to be just more talking and unpacking, and I think that a lot of the stuff that we want our part, which they would just get this is education, exploration, you know, listening to shows together or reading together. I don't know why, you know, again, a lot of times when our partners won't see it, maybe there's something else going on with her,

like all I could think is, maybe she doesn't actually really wanna be swinging or seeing other people. Cause what would be the thing if she doesn't believe, Comparison, what's the opposite of that? She believes that you actually don't feel good about it. Like what is her belief around you wanting to see her with other men?

I don't know. I don't know if she thinks that maybe I expect the inverse of that to be with another woman because I don't and I don't have those wishes. We should talk about that. We have them with other couples and what I have and I have it's just sometimes talking to it gets exhausting on her side. It's almost like she feels like I beat it into the ground by talking.

I'm a communicator and she's not as much. We have to listen to you know. You really listen, ask questions, get curious, tell me more about that. So you think it's that I really want something else. Well, tell me more about that, tell me more about that, and just ask her questions to practice. Listening is a practice, and so I think that everyone can talk and communicate. They just have to feel safe. So I think you just have to have a little bit different kind of conversation Rob with her. You have to really listen, really pay attention, because

I don't think it's about the comparison version, coupled in, it just sounds like there might be something else going on, and I'm not sure what it is, but I think Rob is a communicator, you could get there if you really want this. Absolutely. I will definitely do more listening. I promise. Okay. Thanks, Rob. Keep me posted. Okay. Let me know. I sure will. Thank you so much. Of course. Thank you for calling. Of course, I appreciate you too. Mel 33 in New York writes,

ever since right before we got married, my husband started bringing up having a threesome as being a fantasy and something he wants to try. More than that, he has a desperate urge to fulfill. After hearing him out and weighing the options, I determined this is not something I'm comfortable with being a part of. He's dropped it, but brought it back up several times after that point. We always have a big discussion about it. I hear him out. What he's looking for. I consider it. And again, decide it's not something I'm into personally,

but I understand his urge and desire, and I do not make him feel bad for wanting a threesome. I offer other things to help spice things up for us. However, he makes you feel bad whenever he wants, whether he wants to or not for not wanting it. He makes me feel like this makes me boring. I have offered to do anything else, whatever he wants, dress up, role play, toys, anal, you name it. But we never get there because the conversation instead of being around what we can do instead and what we're both comfortable doing just arcs back to the threesome.

He compares our relationship to that of others that he knows of who have threesome's often. He makes it seem like literally everyone has done it or is doing it, and I'm the only one who isn't into it. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm trying and trying and I just want to be happy and I feel like because I don't want to have a freesome ultimately, it will end our marriage. Am I wrong for not doing it?

Should I just do it and try for him even if I'm uncomfortable? I feel like one person will be resentful in either scenario, but him being resentful feels much more life altering. I don't know what to do to have any advice. Wow, Mel. That's a lot.

It's a lot to take in their mouth. First, I'm just going to say this. I don't mean to use you. This is the poster child email for the poster, child poster email for the three subs. But this is what happens when you don't talk about your sex life before you get married. Before you commit to someone for life, have a checklist. Talk about how many kids you wanna have, if any, do we wanna buy a home, rent a home?

What religion are we gonna practice? If we have kids, what religion are we gonna raise them? How important is family? Do you, you know, if my parents get sick, I'm gonna want them to live with us, would that be okay with you? You know, I'm still gonna work with kids or I'm not gonna work with kids

or you're gonna have to stay home. I mean, all the things. And in there, in those conversations, you say, how important is sex to you? I've learned from listening to sex with Emily that in most relationships, sex becomes a problem if they people won't talk about it and it's gonna get stale and boring after a while.

So would you commit to are you somebody who has a growth mindset around sex? I mean, that's the person I'd want to walk down the aisle with. I'd be like, okay, we we're going to continue to tackle these challenges around sex if they come up. We're actually going to talk about our sex life often. But anyway, Mel, and I'm not I'm just trying to make a point here, but Mel, let's go back to you. So your husband's been saying to you

since right before you got married. So I guess he gave you out, but maybe the invitations were already in the mail. I get it. And then it's a fantasy and he's, so so many things came up for me and reading your email about him pressuring you and making you feel bad about not having a threesome.

And one of them was that like, it's gaslighting. Like for him to say, everybody's doing it and you're wrong for not wanting a threesome and all our friends are doing it. It means not listening to you. So I'm wondering in what areas of your relationship is he also gaslighting. Is he also making you feel bad for not agreeing with him? People like that are very hard to deal with. They didn't work with someone like that,

they're like, oh, they're always right. They have a million reasons why. Are you live with someone like that? Anyway, but here's what's going on here. I do not think Mel that if you have a threesome just to do it, it's gonna feel better that your resentment is less than his resentment. And so what's happening here is, yeah, some people are into threesome's and some people

aren't. And you're doing all the right things in the sense of finding other ways that you could both be turned on. I would recommend downloading our pleasure planner. And it's a planner that you could do together on a date night. You could print it out, you could do it online and it asks you all these questions about what do you both want?

What turns you on? Like you're already doing that, you're like, I'll role play, I'll try toys, I'll do anal, but the pleasure planner will help you both get to where you wanna be, but also the yes, no, maybe list. I think maybe if he has some physical representation of let's sit down and do this exercise together, our yes, no, maybe list. I think maybe if he has some physical representation of let's sit down and do this exercise together, our yes, no, maybe list is also downloadable

on our website and you go through all these sex acts because it's not fair. He can't just declare that you should be comfortable and I'm assuming it's with two women. I'm gonna assume that he wants you to be with another woman. And if that's not your jam, that's not your jam. He cannot be forcing that upon you.

It's dizzy while you be with another man. I mean, I'm gonna assume it's a woman, because usually how the threesome goes down. And I never recommend that couples should have a threesome unless both of you are on board. You know, you know, maybe you have role-plated in your mind and you've talked about it. And you, you know, and then, you know,

if you were interested, but you're not. You've thought about it. And it's maybe, I don't know how long you've been married, but I think that there's a lot more places for couples to go before they dive into a threesome. I mean, have you asked them what it is about a threesome that would be interesting to him, you know, but also more importantly, back that up.

What, how is your sex life right now? Mel, are you satisfied? Mel, are you having orgasms? Are you having pleasure? Are you getting your needs met? I mean, it sounds to me like the fact that you wrote me this email that the three-some requests might be getting louder and louder and louder

and it's drowning out any of your needs. In fact, this feels like pressure and a little bit of manipulation that every time you're like, can I try something else? He says, what about three-some? Everyone's doing it. So to me, this would be something that you could take to a therapist too,

maybe a sex therapist to help you guys negotiate this, because he 100% has to at least be on board with a yes-no maybe list, or a night discussing a pleasure planner, like let's talk about things so we can both get our needs met. Your needs are just important as his. And I want to know like sometimes you

might feel like you get just as you start getting more pleasure and feeling more connected to him that who knows what you could want. You know what I found is the more comfortable sex I have, the more connected to a partner, the more I feel like it's a mutually beneficial relationship, I'm more open to things. I feel safer. I'd be willing to try or wanting to experiment more. I'm not saying you're ever going to want up a threesome, but perhaps if you felt that you were in a healthy place with him and things were great and you guys were sexually connected. See, what I hear in this email is that you guys have not done the work yet to have a threesome. Even if you wanted a threesome, I would still be asking you,

how are you getting your needs met? Are you having orgasms? Are you having pleasure? You know, and that sounds like your needs are being put on the back burner and his needs about wanting to have a threesome are running the show. That doesn't feel great to me.

So you are not wrong here for feeling as exasperated and I think that what you have to do is outside the bedroom. This is one of those things you just say, babe, I want to talk to you about our sex life. I want to have adventures. I want to feel connected. I want to continue to grow and change and learn with you in this marriage. And so can we take three some off the table and start to start fresh? Let's start fresh. Let's, you know, download the yes or maybe less. It's the best way I can tell you to start because it has literally every sex act on the planet, kissing, cuddling, spanking, teasing, everything. And you guys can each take it and there's a yes, a no, and a maybe.

And I have to, there's probably 80 things on that list. There's going to be some yeses. There's going to be some matches. And that's why I want to say, go towards those yeses. Keep doing those yeses that you were you agree. And then maybe eventually you can go into the maybe's, you can go into other areas. But if you are both getting filled up by your, with your needs met, then you can move on.

But I just want you guys to be in a healthy place where you are both on the same page. And Saddle about want to clean slate, I want to start to build together, create a sexual erotic life that we are both a part of. And him demanding that you acquiesce isn't going to fly. Let's talk about promescence byydeflex for men and for women. Promescent is known for their delay spray. You've been hearing me talk about them for almost 10 years. It's a company that I deeply respect.

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Vitamix is one of their best sellers, so please, your libido, your performance, your energy. Find more about all their incredible products at promessant.com. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily.

Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at SexWithEmily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559 talk sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash askemily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast.

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