Sex With Emily - Hotline Calls: Troubleshoot Your Orgasms

Episode Date: October 29, 2024

How’s your orgasm lately? Do you wish it was more intense? More frequent? More predictable with a partner? Orgasms don’t have to be a thing of mystery. And that’s why today's call in show is devoted to all things O. First up: she fears a loss of control while climaxing, which derails her arousal altogether. Can she relax and stay present? Next, he’s fit and athletic, with a girlfriend who loves sex. The problem? It takes him a long time to finish – maybe too long. Finally - when you’re with a partner who loves giving you oral, but it’s not exactly getting you off…what gives? I answer these questions and more on todays episode.  In this episode, you’ll learn: How to get out of your own head and finally let go for a better orgasm Why pleasure is a right, not a reward Practical tips for tackling delayed orgasms and performance pressure Show Notes: Join the SmartSX Membership: Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. Yes! No! Maybe? List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides.  SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website  Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok | Threads | YouTube Let’s text: Sign up here Want me to slide into your email inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com

The great news about orgasm is that a lot of the problems we have around orgasm has to do with our own selves, with our mind, with our stress, trauma, shame, spiral that we have in our head. Like that's the loop that's keeping you from pleasure. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Question for you.

How's your orgasm lately? Do you wish it was more intense, more frequent, more predictable with a partner? Well, listen, orgasms, they don't have to be a thing of mystery. And well, that's why today's call in show is devoted to all things of. First up, she fears a loss of control while climaxing. What's her partner gonna think? What if her neighbor's here? Well, this derails her arousal altogether. So how can she relax and stay present? Another caller, well, he's fit, he's athletic, he's got a girlfriend who loves sex. So what's the problem? Well, it takes him a long time to finish. Maybe too long.

What to do? Finally, another one of our callers has a question. When you're with a partner who loves giving you oral, but it's not exactly getting you there, what gives? What's going on? Well, I answer these questions and more. And let me say this, I love our caller shows.

So if you would like me to answer your question on the show, you can just go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. You can call our hotline 559-TALK-SEX or 559-825-5739. I really love talking to you and helping you take that next step in your sex life. Okay, it's a good time. Let's talk.

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You can also find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, Orax and Facebook, all the places. It's all at Sex with Emily. My new articles, How to Master Eagle Position and Your False Sex Bucket List are both up on SexWithEmily.com. Before we dive into the episode, if you haven't heard the news,

I have to tell you about my brand new membership community, Smart SX. It is officially live and I've had a blast the last few weeks because this membership is everything I've ever dreamed of and more. We're talking exclusive content, interactive workshops with top minds in sexual health, there's polls

and so much more all made for the membership community. But honestly, my favorite part is the community. It's a safe space where like-minded people support each other, they're sharing experiences, they're breaking down all the taboos around sex and intimacy. It's truly empowering. So if you're ready to really bring more pleasure

into your sex life and take the steps, Smart SX is for you. So join the pleasure revolution today. Just head over to sexwithemily.com, click on the membership tab, or head straight to sexwithemily.com slash Smart SX. All right everyone, enjoy this episode. Are you ready to unlock a game-changing secret for boosting your mood, your energy, and yes,

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So do yourself and your health a favor and check it out. You've had there 29 in New York City. Thank you so much for calling in. Tell me everything. How can I help you? So I wanted to write in because I just feel like I've come to a point where I can admit that I have some control and some shame around finishing when I masturbate. I have a cute little vibrator that I use.

It's pretty regular. Getting started is not a problem for me, but it seems to be when that finish line comes into the horizon, somehow I get really freaked out and I get all of the what ifs. You know, what if I'm loud or making noise that sounds funny, make a mess. You know, I live in a city,

what if my neighbors hear me? And just allowing myself to experience pleasure for pleasure sake almost. So it's, I can get 80% of the way there and can't quite seem to get those final pieces of the place. Yeah. Wow. Totally understand that. That is so hard.

You're like, I'm trying and now it's like, what's going on? Well, what I like, what you said though is there's a lot to unpack here. Cause first, I get, I think it's great that you know yourself and that you're like, I'm trying and now what's going on? Well, what I like what you said though is there's a lot to unpack here. Because first, again, I think it's great that you know yourself and that you're calling in for this because we're gonna help you here. First thing is that you said you have some shame. Maybe it's some early messaging or do you know what that shame message is?

Yeah, I think that's where that pleasure element comes in because I think the messaging that I grew up with was you have to earn it, you have to earn pleasure, you have to earn play, there has to be a purpose to it. And so as an adult it's been very interesting to unpack that and figure out in every area of my life where does pleasure exist and especially when it comes to sex and being in a relationship, being able to be okay, or at least trying to, you know, experiment and explore and learn that about myself.

That's so it, right? Our culture is such a get shit done culture, right? Like we got to like everything that we do, we have to, there has to be some reward or doing it for a purpose or it doesn't feel, you deserve it. Pleasure actually is productive. The more pleasure we have, the more it's going to help every area of our life. So hopefully you know that, but you also know that you have this battle in your head. So that's the one thing, and this is just for everyone to realize that we deserve pleasure. Pleasure is our birthright. We don't need to put conditions on when we are deserving of pleasure.

So the more we can look at our lives and look at our weeks and think like, where am I putting pleasure into my life, went to this week or this day, you'll start to realize that you do deserve it and how much better you feel in all the areas of your life. So that's one thing, just intellectually knowing that. And so it sounds like it's more like in your head, like when you have these fears, like about making noise, about letting go, like you said, that's your kind of your issue is letting go. And so in those moments, do you know what, because like our mind and our body are so connected. Have you ever done any practice around

meditation or breathing, breath work? I have tried. and maybe it's something I need to revisit in this case. I'm telling you, it is a game changer when it comes to anxiety and anxious thoughts that are keeping us from being present in the bedroom, even with ourselves. And so even practicing outside of the bedroom, breath has been shown to help facilitate orgasm, to help calm our nervous system, we have anxious racing thoughts. And when we're in the bedroom and we're worried, am I going to be loud? Is someone going to walk in? Is this wrong? Do I look weird? All the things. It helps reset, brings you back to the moment when you breathe, so you can focus on what you're feeling at the moment. The good news here is this is all a mind thing.

This is not like you can't orgasm, you're an orgasmic. It just means that you haven't orgasmed yet. Do you get to the point where it feels really, really good? Is that the point? You feel like you're about to orgasm and then you just stop? Yeah. I don't know if I get excited or anxious. Like, oh my gosh, is this the time? Is this

going to happen? Is everything going to be right or go right? And I think all of a sudden, I'm the one who's pumping the own breaks for myself because I'm like, I have to label it. This is the thing. This is the thing that I've been trying to achieve. Wow. So the practice of meditation is not labeling and it's letting go. So another thing could be like, do you ever do any fantasizing or any listening to erotica, like having something else going on that could kind of help connect you, think about something while you're also in your body. So you're not just kind of getting caught up in something else rather than your thoughts.

Yeah. So most of the time I listen to or watch porn, Belisa is a recent kind of watch for me, which has been great. So the auditory thing is really important and really helpful for me. My partner is really supportive and basically anything that I would want to do, he would be into and encouraging of. I have to figure out what I'm into or what I want to step out of my comfort zone for. I mean, I love that you have a partner that knows, and I am a big fan of figuring all this out on our own if we can and then bringing it to a partner, but maybe you could do a little mixture of both. You could say like, this is what I learned yesterday, or this is what

I learned last time, but maybe this touch would work. Let's try something new." So each time you bring it in, because maybe there'll be something in that collaboration with your partner, when you're together, that might actually help you let go too, if you're with somebody that you trust. So what I would practice with the tools I would use is first just saying, it doesn't have to be so black and white. It has to be on my own and then you're going to let your partner know. So the process of figuring this out could look like it's both of you going back and

forth, but the other tools in your toolkit that I would like you to have for this would be breathing. Like I said, definitely using some lube. I mean, we should always use lube in every sexual situation. And do you ever do any kegel exercises? Like, do you know doing a kegel is when you squeeze and relax your pelvic floor, it's like, it's those pee stopping muscles that are responsible for the flow of urine. So those muscles are the muscles

that are responsible for orgasm. Other thing I was going to say to you is practicing moaning. I feel like maybe you're very probably silent during sex and when we hold our breath it's almost like we're in fight-or-flight. So when you're in fight-or-flight during sex you're not breathing, you're being quiet and your body's tense. So when I'm giving you these tools of like breathing, like practicing moaning, that's something you can do on your own. Because again that's all of a releasing, that's an outward motion. You're pushing your energy out. So you're kind of O blocking yourself.

I love, thank you. Yeah, any advice at this point? I was like, please, I'm just gonna write in and maybe they'll see it, maybe not, but at least I did it. I'm so glad. Well, thank you. I hope that this does help you.

And I think this also will help so many others listening because we all do. We all get our heads from time to time, but you're going to learn to get out of it. But it just helps to calm yourself either before, during, just getting the practice of breathing and letting go. That's the opposite of the control and practicing with a loving partner, which you have. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Thank you. Thanks for your question. Thank you so much. Of course. I appreciate it. I appreciate you. Thanks for your question. Thank you so much. Of course. I appreciate it. I appreciate you. Thanks for calling.

All right, the practice of letting go. That is how an orgasm happens. Cause the opposite of that is being in control and being tense and being tight. And we're not gonna have any fun when that happens. So that's why I love the practice of breathing and meditating and just like, it's the opposite of tension. It's the opposite of control is letting go. I understand that's what

we need for an orgasm and you probably understand that too. So the great news about orgasm is that a lot of the problems we have are an orgasm has to do with our own selves, with our mind, with our stress, trauma, shame, spiral that we have in our head. Like that's the loop that's keeping you from pleasure. It's ourselves. But how great is that? How great is it to know that the one thing keeping you from having the most sex and having the most pleasure is actually in your control? I think that's very comforting. Just do a little breathing, a little meditating, a few minutes a day, and then start practicing in the bedroom. Better yet, practice with a partner.

Take a few deep breaths, grounding breaths with your partner before you start to have sex, before you even start to connect. Or if you're feeling unsettled or you're on different pages with your partner, you can turn to them and say, why don't we take three deep breaths right now? It'll change your whole world.

So try some of that, and then let me know how your orgasms go. Calling from Colorado, we have Brent to any 63. How you doing? How can I help you? What's going on? I'm 63 old male. I'm really healthy, fit and active, have a wonderful girlfriend. We have a great relationship, great sex relationship. But it just takes me a really long time to orgasm. That's kind of been coming on for a while, but it seemed like it's gotten longer and longer and longer. Now it's just too long.

As you get older, because we know it does change over time, but you said you are in testosterone replacement. So how was it like 20 years ago? Tell me how it's changed. 20 years ago, it was nothing that I noticed. I wouldn't have thought of this as any problem 20 years ago it was nothing that I noticed. I wouldn't have thought of this as any problem 20 years ago. Actually kind of made me since getting the late 50s into my 60s, it just started taking a little longer and a little longer.

Until now it's like takes really long and it's time and effort and it gets into my head a little bit too. So that's a complicating factor. So what happens right now? Like walk me through it. So you're, are you having penetrative sex and you just, you're not able to orgasm? Are you getting oral sex? Like what's happening where you're like, it's just not going to happen.

Well we have a fairly varied sex life. We have penetrative sex and oral sex, and we use some toys sometimes. We kind of have a lot of variety, and it seems like kind of regardless, it takes a long time. Okay. What kind of toys are you using? Because toys can be great for penis owners to stimulate everywhere, actually. The shaft, the tip, the frenulum, the balls. That could really help. Like a higher setting on a vibrator could help stimulate those nerve endings, because really it's blood flow. So what we're trying to do is get that blood flow moving so you're able to ejaculate.

Now I do take Cialis, and I wonder if that has any effect on delaying orgasm. Cialis can definitely have an effect on delaying orgasm. Cialis can definitely have an effect on delaying orgasm. Are you taking Cialis every time? Yeah, you know, Cialis is kind of made for daily dosing. I don't always take it daily, but yeah, I pretty much take it prior to sex. Yeah. Did you start taking it

because you were having challenges around erection? Yeah, my sexual response is just not what it used to be. I don't have any physical problems of being unable to get an erection. It's just the sexual response is not the same. But if you're getting erections, then you probably don't need the Cialis because the Cialis helps men who are having more problems with erection, erectile challenges? You know, I can wake up in the morning with a full, hard erection, but it seems like my sexual response doesn't quite always go that far.

You mean your response to ejaculate, you mean? No, when I like to get aroused for sex. I see, so it happens in the morning, but it's not happening on demand when you want it to. So you are having- Yeah. Got it, so you are having some challenges around it. So that's why you're taking this test. But will it happen eventually? Again, maybe you could just experiment. You have a girlfriend. I'm sure you're hopefully you're very open and talking to her.

Oh, sure. She knows that she's here listening to our conversation. Oh, I love it. Hello, girlfriend. I feel like there's just some fun ways because I think that it's, you know, hey, let me just say this. It's really hard as we get older to realize like our body is not doing what we want to do anymore. And I know for men, I mean, and for women, but I'll say with men, like it can be really like hard and shameful and feel like this is my penis and it's not working the way I want to.

So we're like, I'm just going to take a pill. But maybe there's a way with your girlfriend, you could take some time off from the salads or just try a day or two and see if even if you are not hard at the beginning, she could kind of work on getting you harder with her mouth, with a toy. There's like strokers that you could use for masturbation or mutual masturbation, or she could use it and use it. They vibrate. They like wrap around your penis, kind of like a hot dog bun. There's also like cock rings that vibrate, they can feel, they can put at the base of your

penis that helps stimulate blood flow and help with erection, right? We have used it actually. Okay, great. You've used those. Have you ever had any... So how was that when you used a vibrating ring? You know, I don't know that it made any big difference. It sure felt good to both of us. Well, that's good. Well, what about Brett? Have you tried at all any prostate toys? Yes. And that's something that I really like. And yeah, we do do that. Okay, well, that I think helps many a man prostate play using a toy or a finger or even butt plug can feel incredible and you could still have your orgasm and takes the pressure off of the erection. So maybe you want to play more in that area. You know, I do think the Cialis is going to

have that side effect. So that's probably why you're not able to orgasm at all. That's why I was asking you because for some men it's lifelong, like they've always kind of been a delayed ejaculator and just kind of as they get older, they become even more and more delayed, but it sounds like this is just more recent. I would say try it without the stale and see if you can build towards your own arousal and start to understand it together with a loving partner. Okay. Which I definitely do have. Yes, absolutely. It sounds like it. Have fun and play with lubes and get toys for her and watch porn or role play.

Just like take the pressure off of yourself. I would love you just both to take the pressure off of orgasm and when we kind of move the attention from orgasm to exploration and play, you might just find that the ejaculation is gonna happen on its own. Very good, thank you for the advice. You're so welcome, have a great night, have fun tonight.

All right, bye now, thank you. Thanks for calling, bye. God, we all put so much pressure on ourselves to like orgasm, get hard, get wet. The more pressure we take off ourselves and the more we feel into our body and breathe and think about like, what do I, what feels good to be in the moment? How could I communicate to this as a partner?

How could I connect with my partner right now and get out of my head? I think that we're all likely to have way more pleasure that way. I know this. And yeah, as we get older and I don't just mean you're 60s, like your sex in your 30s is different than your 20s, right? And so every decade your sex life is going to change. We have hormonal changes and just be willing to kind of look at like, what does it look like now?

What does it look like now at this point in my life? What does it look like with my partner? And how can we continue to support each other, have healthy communication around it, and continue to play and grow together? After the break, I'll be speaking with callers all about their orgasms and how to have more. So stay tuned. All right, we have Brooke,

they're 30, calling from Georgia. So nice to see you, tell me what's going on. Hi, so just to start off a little backstory, I came out four and a half years ago. I don't really have a label for myself, but I identify as queer if someone asks, but I've mainly been dating women. So since I came out,

definitely had a lot of self-discovery and growth along the way. So that's been great. Been very focused on being the most empowered, truest version of myself. And part of that, of course, has been self-discovery with my sexuality and sex. And one thing I've discovered along the way is that I can orgasm with vibrators or a shower head, but I haven't ever been able to orgasm with touch or oral or especially penetration. And especially when it comes to penetration, fingers or anything are very uncomfortable if not downright painful for me. So my question is kind of too bold. I feel a little self-conscious and weird because I feel like kind

of like a one-trick pony with I'm glad I found something that makes me feel good. But my question is, how can I broaden my horizons a little bit? And then within that, what can I do to make penetration a little bit more comfortable and explore that because I feel like I'm missing out on something a little bit by not exploring that. Totally makes sense. I understand that. Thank you for sharing all of that. Yeah, I get it.

It's like everything that we see about sex is like, you shouldn't have to use a toy. You should be able to like orgasm during penetration, all these things. I think that the main thing is first knowing that it's okay that that's how you orgasm. Some people will only orgasm with toys or with a showerhead or with something else. But really it's a process of just like spending time on your own, doing a little bit of like

mindful masturbation, really just paying attention to, and I don't know if you've spent this time on your own masturbating and just really like thinking like what and actually feeling more than thinking, but exploring your body. Like what does it actually feel like when I touch myself and I don't go right inside or I don't go right for the clitoris, but I'm actually exploring like my fingers and the light touch over my clitoris externally, over my labia, my inner thighs, my outer thighs, and just start to like tease yourself and really breathe and think like,

what touch actually feels good to me? And like, let it build without the goal of orgasm with the goal of just exploration. So what's been your practice with masturbation on your own? I think like a lot of people, and I've heard this, you know, from other people on your podcast, I get like a lot of people, and I've heard this, from other people on your podcast, I get a little in a rut of a mindset of like,

okay, let's get this done and move on to the next thing on my day. So just getting the vibrator out, and I know that's gonna work pretty fast. And so when I try to take the time, be mindful and just explore touch, I have a hard time focusing on that and not letting my mind wander to my to-do list or everything else going on in life. Oh my God, we can all relate to that.

Right. I mean, I think that is the problem. Like we don't have anything in our culture that's teaching us how to be present. Right. You have to like work on mindfulness. You got to like start a meditation practice or breath work, which is what I've been talking about, which is what I've been doing for a long time, but it's still hard to do. But that is the magic. That's what we're going to learn to keep bringing our attention back to the moment when your mind is wandering, coming back to what am I feeling? What am I feeling? So that's how you're going to learn, I think, to have more pleasure in that way. You could also edge yourself. You could use the vibrator and say, I'm going to use the vibrator to get myself going. Because what it's doing is we have so many nerve endings, like 8,000 nerve endings. And so why vibrators

are spectacular is because a lot of those nerve endings are sort of tucked inside or they're just sort of, you can't access them all at any given moment. You can't access them all at once, but a vibrator does that for you. So you could sort of play with just like a little simulation and then removing it and putting your fingers on, like start touching yourself and then put it back. And so we call it edging or like teasing yourself and start to build the orgasm on your own. And I don't think it should be so binary like, oh, I used a vibrator, I did it. Like maybe you do a little bit of both. There is a lot more to learn,

but you're gonna have to like kind of play with what you're already doing to sort of expand and know that there's like, there's definitely going to be other ways for you to be turned on. Like using a vibrator on your nipples while you're touching your clitoris because those, your clitoris and your nipples actually both stimulate the same regions of your brain since it was the same regions of your brain are responsible for both of those sensations. So they're connected. So maybe you find that that feels really good too. And so I just think it's a practice thing. Like I'm going to spend 15, 20 minutes a week or 30 minutes and I'm just going to like try this as a practice. So I would, I know it's not fun. It's not a quick fix, but that is

the process. So that's one thing. Yeah. Not be so focused on orgasm, like results focused of that. It's got to be the end result. Right. It is. It has to be because then that's how you learn. And I've had to, you know, over time, I had to do the same things. I was just like a hidden quiet person. But then I like learned like, oh, I really started to pay attention and feel as like, oh, my upper left quadrant of my clitoris is a little more sensitive than the lower one. And then when I'm with a partner, I can, I now know that this is the way I need to be touched. But like that took practice of me figuring out or being with a partner who was like going slow with me while I figured it out. I figured out things with people, without people. So that's one thing.

But the other thing I would say too is tell me about the pain you're experiencing with penetration. Yeah. Basically just even with any kind of shallow internal stimulation, I just am so overly tight and it just feels so uncomfortable. And if I, you know, on my own or with a partner try to go any deeper than that, it actually just starts hurting. And so I feel like it's just very, very tight. And I also at this point have a huge mental block against it

that it's not going to feel good. So I don't know if there's something medically going on there. I mean, I don't have any like major trauma or anything in my past that is leading to that that I know of. I'm glad you're bringing this up too, because it actually is really common for women to feel this tightness and really just be about your nerve endings and the way your genetics. It could be because you're holding some kind of tension in there that you don't even know

that you're doing. It's essentially the tight pelvic floor. And so what I recommend is finding a pelvic floor physical therapist in your area. And you might have something called vulvodynia or vaginismus. Vaginismus is when anything inside of a vagina feels tight. It could be like a tampon, a finger, a penis, a toy, and it just, it hurts. And so now, yes, as a result of you having pain, you probably do win. So every time something comes in, cause it's, you're protecting yourself.

And so the practice of going to a pelvic floor physical therapist for many, many vulva owners is helpful. And they have different exercises and practices that they use to help kind of diagnose what's going on. But it could be something else too, but typically that's what it is. And what I've seen such great success for women who have had so much pain throughout their lives and they go see a public floor physical therapist six times or three times

and then they're no longer have any pain. If that is what it is, then you'll have now more access to your entire vaginal area because I can imagine that another challenge around orgasm is that you have this pain because remember they're all related. Our internal muscles are related to our external muscles. Our clitoris has legs that extend deep inside behind our vulva. So if you're having tightness and pain, it's sort of restricting those nerve endings and perhaps even blood flow. And blood flow is what's responsible for orgasm. So if you're like tensing because it hurts and then restricting blood flow, what's responsible for orgasm. So if you're like tensing, cause it hurts and then restricting blood flow, there just could be a lot of things like that going on.

So breath work is gonna help you learn to breathe, which I always think is important. That kind of helps move things. And then seeing if someone can help you like that, because I think that'll help you with everything else. Yeah, I actually have a friend of a friend. I know someone who's a PT and she was telling me, oh, I have a friend who specializes in that.

So funny enough, that just came up the other day. So I can look into that in my area. Definitely check it out. I mean, I have to say just in the last four or five years that we really are, that there's more people being trained to become a pelvic floor physical therapist that we've been talking about it no more, which I love, but it could really help you.

And I did a great episode a few years ago with a woman named Heather Jeffcoat, and we can put that in the show notes, but in the episode, she's been on the show a few times and she's a physical therapist and she talks all about this. We actually identify the different kinds of vaginal pain that women go through because it's really, really common and you really don't have to live your life like this. You really don't. Sounds good. Thank you so much. All this. You really don't. Sounds good.

Thank you so much. All right. You're so welcome. Thank you for calling. I really appreciate it. Take care of yourself, okay? It was great meeting you. You too.

You've been such a great resource for me. So just the last couple of years, you and some other resources, I wish I would have discovered them sooner, but better late than never. So really appreciate it. I'm so glad we could be there for you, really. Keep on your own journey, keep doing the work. It's so interesting, like 80% of women experience pain during sex at some point in their life.

And some women experience it all the time. Like every time they have sex, they have pain, but yet we don't talk about it. They feel like they have to silently suffer through it, but you do not have to silently suffer through it. And you might not know where to go in your community because I got to be honest, I love that we're getting our checkups and our pap smears and going to our gynecologist, but they're not always the most

trained and the most educated on what a vulva needs in some of these cases. And so I just want to remind you all that since we have to be our own best advocates and we've defined somebody who specializes in women's health, maybe they specialize in hormonal health, a lot of the pain that we're experiencing can do with hormones. There's a lot of things that can be going on and lessons we don't know where to turn. So I love when you come to me and you check out the show and our resources and also be searching in your community too for doctors who are specialized in the area of your concern. This is Casey, 30. Hi, Emily.

My name is Casey. I'm a 30 year old female from Washington, DC. And I have a question for you. I recently ended my marriage and my relationship of 10 years and I have been having sex with different partners. I am with a male partner now and I'm having probably the best sex of my life. He's very attentive to me. I'm very happy with the way that things are going and he is too and we spend a lot of time in bed together and I find that we're really

focusing on me. Actually most of the time he doesn't finish, he won't ejaculate. He says that this is like normal for him, he'd rather have you know the kind of sex that we're having you know 30 minutes and be done but it does make me a little bit insecure or anxious that he's not really feeling fully fulfilled. I just kind of wanted to know is this a normal thing? Is this something that I can do something to be more prioritizing of his pleasure and his experience? Just would really love to know your thoughts and if you have any advice for me. So thanks a lot. Bye. Alright Casey, thanks so much for your question. So thanks a lot. Bye. All right, Casey. Thanks so much for your

question. So what you're explaining here, a thing that we call delayed ejaculation, that's what it sounds like to me. Where it takes about 30 minutes or more for someone to orgasm during penetration or during partnered sex. And so it's more common than I think we realize, and it could happen for a lot of different reasons. The reasons are not always that perceptible to somebody, and it might take some work to kind of figure it out. It could just be a learned behavior,

maybe when he was younger and masturbating, he was always afraid that his mom was gonna walk in the room and then he learned to hold his ejaculation, which would be kind of an anxious or a learned response to ejaculation. It could be something a little bit more psychological that we're not even sure what it is. It could be that he's really used to masturbating in one way like he always masturbates using this one hand grip that maybe is a little bit tighter or a little bit different than something that you're

providing during penetration. There's just ways that men get set and women that get set in the ways they orgasm and my first recommendation is to have a conversation with them outside the bedroom definitely. We're just like, hey let's talk about I love our sex life, here's what you're doing great, these are all the really exciting things about our sex life that I love. And I'd love to know more about you not ejaculating, like could you tell me about is this something that's been happening to you for a while? I know you say that it feels great, but I can't help but think there could be more. Tell me, has this always been a thing?

Just have him talk about it. I have to say that he probably doesn't feel so great that he can't ejaculate. I think it's true that he's having a lot of pleasure, but he probably wants to know, how can he crack the code? He'd probably like to as well and isn't sure what to do. I have a sense that it's probably been a pattern for him.

So absolutely, you don't want to shame. You want to be really open and say, I'm good. This is all the things I'm loving about our sex, but I'm just, you know, since we're getting to know each other, I'd love to know more. You're so good at like giving me pleasure and I love the way you do all these things. And I'd love to be a great lover to you too.

And like no pressure, but let's just talk about it. Open, curious, zero judgment. Now we have Dave, he's 59. He's calling from Olympia, Washington. How can I help you today? Tell me what's going on. So when I, I sent in a request, I guess, to talk to you because I was really struggling with something.

I could not come from a blow job. It was very serious and I would be trying to not overthink it and not relax enough. And I finally, about two weeks ago, my girlfriend and I, we got past that. It was unbelievable. She was extremely happy a couple of times since then now. So it's been, you know, yeah.

Love it. And I talked to her about it and we have a very good discussion about sex. I'm 59, she's 52. We've been dating for almost four months and we have a lot of fun. We're very open and discussing, you know, what we like, what I like, what she's 52. We've been dating for almost four months and we have a lot of fun. We're very open and discussing what we like, what I like, what she doesn't like.

And I think that's very important. Like you keep saying communication is lubrication, it works. In the conversations we had about it, I was like, this is just driving me crazy. And I started thinking, I thought it was possibly because I was married for 30 years. And in that 30 year period, and this is a true statement,

I never once received a blow job from my wife. Wow. Yeah, I mean, she would play around and it wasn't her thing. And you know, her mom taught her that was bad. And I had had plenty of that happen in high school. And before I got married, and then after I was married, I started looking for that and I would find someone and I could complete the mission, so to say, in a car, at her house or whatever, and then go about

my merry way, which again is not right. I'll never be that guy again, but you do the things that you do. Yeah, absolutely. I get it. We all, now hopefully, yeah, you're in a relationship where you're talking about sex, which is what you weren't doing, we weren't able to do, or you chose a partner who wasn't able to talk about sex or grow sexually, which is what a lot of us have done. So now we're on the next chapter of your life.

I'm happy. You know, it's funny is I was on a couple of dating apps and those are hit or miss. You meet some people, that's all they want, or you meet some people, they want a relationship out of it. And I had recently gotten out of a relationship and I wasn't really looking for a relationship, but I met a young lady who is amazing and I don't want to let her go. So I am doing everything I can to keep her with me. And it's been really good. I mean, it's not perfect. Everybody's... You know, you know how that goes. Perfect relationship doesn't exist.

It doesn't exist, but the biggest things are talking about stuff and not, you know, allowing yourself to get stuck walking on edge hills or even a little direction, but never in the bedroom, like you say. Never in the bedroom. Like I want everyone, like this should be everyone's message. If you are dating anyone now, seriously, you're having sex with somebody, talk to them about sex today because it doesn't get easier, right? And so, yeah, I mean, you do the things that you did, and you know why, and it sounds like you're with a mature

partner who wants to please you. And the thing that was keeping everyone was your thoughts in your head. Well, I think it's common, I do hear from men, they're like, why can't I, or are you guys doing a blow job? Like, this is why we're here on earth. It's supposed to be the best thing in the world,

like how could there be a problem? But again, a lot of us are in our heads, thinking about the past, thinking the future. When we're in the past, we're in the future, we can't be present. And we're not present. We're not going to have the most pleasure we can have. So somehow she was able to help you out here. I've been around the block, so everybody has different things. This is the first girl I've been with. She's really into dirty talk and I haven't quite processed that yet.

That's a new thing for me because that was totally verboten with my wife and my last girlfriend. But something that happened with us together, which I thought was interesting, she said that she's never been able to come with a penis alone. I did that and I was like, fuck yeah, that's cool. Wow. That's a big one. Yeah.

That's huge. Yeah. Huge. I mean, that's common too. A lot of women only like, well, you've been listening, you know that only like 20% of women are doing orgasm with a penis. So that's amazing she's able to do it. Or they fake it like you talked about. Or they fake it. Yes, I did all the things too. Yeah, I did all the faking. So it sounds like you're in a really healthy relationship, the one that you've been preparing for your whole life.

I'm going to marry this girl, I swear to God. Maybe not for a year or two, but you never know. Take it slow. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm so glad. So now you're in this relationship. It's been four months and you say you're going to marry her, which does make me a little nervous because in four months, I want you to go slow and I want you to get married yet.

But is there another area sexually, is there something to go to stone and I want you to get married yet. But is there another area sexually? Is there something that you still feel like you want to... Is there a fantasy or something you've been wanting to try that you're like, but I could never say that? Because then I would challenge you maybe to have that conversation with her tonight. So I took a girl three years ago to a swingers club in Seattle, and that was a lot of fun. That was, that was an eye opener. I'd never been to one of those before. And I got laid three times that night.

It was crazy. And I've discussed that with her. I said, Hey, just so you know, this is things that I've done. Is that something that you're interested in? She goes, you know, it'd be kind of cool to go up there and watch, but I don't want anybody but you. And I'm like, no, no, no, I'm not talking about swap.

And I'm not just to go experience that. I think that's something that we worked on a little bit. We talked about some, I don't want to use the word rough play, but rougher. I've grabbed her hands a couple of times, but held up overhead and she just gushes. That's kind of cool. Okay. Yeah. All right.

Good. Well, I'm glad you're having these conversations. It's good. Have you guys done the Yes, No, Maybe list on our site? No, we need to do that with her. Do that. People love the Yes, No, Maybe list because then it just has all the things on there. And then that starts a new conversation about where you want to go next. And then we have episodes on everything that you want to try. So you can just listen together and expect. I've gone back to 2021, I think, and listened to a couple of years and like, wow, I missed that one. You had one about oral sex that was pretty interesting not too

long back then in April, I think at 2021. Wow. Yeah. Damn, I wish I'd listened to that one before. That's why they're there. And they're pretty evergreen. We've got oral, we've got anal, we've got kink, we've got all the things for you. Well, thank you for your call. I appreciate you. I'm so glad.'ve got anal, we've got kink. We've got all the things for you. Well, thank you for your call. I appreciate you. I'm so glad. I gotta tell you, I really enjoy your show. I follow you on Instagram.

You're a beautiful young lady and I love your heart. You're very kind heart. So thank you for that. Thank you, Dave. I appreciate that so much. All right. Thank you. I feel that.

Have a great day and I hope to listen to you soon. Well, I think the verdict is in. I think it's communication is lubrication. I think we could all agree that being in a relationship where we talk about sex early and often, we are going to have a better sex. We're going to know for what's the right partners. And I love the stories about evolving too.

We have to sort of learn from our past relationships, try not to beat ourselves up and realize that we're going to try to do better in each relationship. That's the amazing thing about us is that we can continue to learn and grow if we're willing to do the work. And I don't know about you, but I don't want to repeat any of my past relationships. I always want them to grow and get better and I want that for all of you too. That's it for today's episode.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or a partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, or X and Facebook. It's all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email.

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