Sex With Emily - Hotline Calls: Where Did the Sex Go?

Episode Date: June 9, 2021

In this episode, I’m taking more of your most pressing questions from the Sex With Emily hotline. We’re covering what to do if you can’t stop fantasizing about women (but you’re in a healthy relationship with a man), if your birth control is tanking your sex drive, why bisexual men are often shamed, how to bring back intimacy after a baby, and what to do if your partner won’t share their sexual desires.Inspired to ask for my opinion? Call and leave a voicemail with your question! You can reach me at 559-TALK-SEX (559-825-5739). Can’t wait to hear from you!For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you know mutual masturbation is one of the top searched sex terms? You know you're gonna get off, you're learning from your partner what feels good to them. It's a sure thing. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a male obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized, they call them in a bygone name. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

Alright, in this episode, I take calls from our Sex with Emily Hotline. Your questions include what it means if you're in a healthy relationship with a man, but can't stop fantasizing about women. What's the deal with bisexuality? Is birth control the blame for your low sex drive? If not, what is it? How to bring intimacy back into your relationship after pregnancy and what to do if your partner refuses to talk about their sexual desires.

Alright, now with your turn, please call, leave a voicemail with your questions and then we'll get in touch instead of time for us to talk live. The number 559 talk sex. That's 559-825-5739. Intentions with Emily, for each episode, it really helped us set an intention. What do you want to get out of this episode? My intention is simply to help all of my incredible listeners navigate their sexual challenges and answer your questions and help you live the sex life you deserve. Our Ask Emily at sexathomely.com. This week I hate giving my partner oral sex.

What do I do? Check that one out. Maybe you were thinking about it, maybe a friend. Alright, enjoy this episode. So we've got Lauren 30 calling in from New Jersey. Lauren, tell me what's going on. Thanks, I'm a huge fan, I'm so happy. So I'm a therapist, and I'm always thinking,

always in my head, but I can't figure this one out. Okay. I think of it as like my, my A, it is spilling into my ego. I am in a healthy relationship with a man, like seven months in, and suddenly my fantasies of being with a girl, sexually being with a woman is suddenly moving

into my daily life. And I go by the timing tone and turf. I'm a big communicator. I've talked about it with him. I mean, he's not irritated by it, but he's definitely not, okay, with me pursuing that. And I understand. But I just can't get my finger on why this is suddenly like not

just a fan, it used to just be I would have dreams or that would be the porn of choice. And suddenly it's like no I want to do this in my waking life and I can't get to the bottom of it. Have you met anybody that's picture interest? I have not. Okay. How's your sex life with your partner? Our sex life is great. The hesitation you hear in my voice is like I am struggling a little bit with the X factor like the wow chemistry but everything is so great in a relationship and the actual sex is great as well in the communication. So it's not something I'm concerned about, but the X-factor is just a little, so-so for me. Okay. How the X-factor meaning?

Just that like unspeakable chemical, I gotta have you right here right now, type of connection that I've had in my most toxic relationships, honestly. Like the more toxic. Yeah, the more toxic the stronger that was, which is terrible. And now I'm 30 and making smarter choices. How long have you guys been together?

Seven months. Seven months. Okay, so it's still new. How was it at the beginning? Did you have that attraction at the beginning? We did. I don't know what were off. I don't know if it was spending more time together than I usually spend with my significant

other, to be honest. But it's tied down a little bit, and it's only seven months in. Yeah, I mean, that's what happens in relationships. The honeymoon period is anywhere from six months to two years. And then during the pandemic, maybe you were spending more time together, and then that kind of squashes out the arousal

and the traction process. Because when we're on top of each other We're seeing each other more while we feel more intimate and more connection and more love with our partner It sort of can douse the flames of desire because we no longer have that separation We no longer have the novelty and that's big rain and the spontaneity and so you're living to get you're not living together, right? Okay, so I lived on my own forever. And then recently situations in my apartment became unlivable and I did need to stay here.

So I've gone from living on my own my entire life since I was 20 to now. We are here together all the time and it's fine, but maybe that's playing more of a role. Definitely. You need that because then where is the spontaneity? Where is the build up? Where is the getting excited to see him and dressing up and going on the dates?

Yes. And it's really soon to move in with some after seven months and people do it all the time. I'm just saying that maybe, Chris or maybe it maybe, do you think besides the sex, which is a huge thing, like how are there other things in the relationship that give you pause? No, besides that chemical, just missing a little bit of that X factor. That's what I've always called it.

And you said it was there in the beginning, but not the strongest I've ever had. Okay. When I was in my younger and mid-20s, I put all of my stock in that. If I didn't have that X factor with someone, I did not give them a chance. And it led me through a lot of the wrong people. Exactly. So I don't put all of my stock in. Well see, this is

what we do. We tend to learn our lessons. And then sometimes we use the pendulum swings the other way. You're like, okay, I don't need to have the X factor. I'm just going to find someone who's compatible, who's a good guy, who's not toxic. And then either you find that maybe you go somewhere back towards the middle, but did you have it at all at the beginning, like enough? So you had it a little bit. So is he interested in sex?

Is he interested in growing with you? He is. He's so open to these conversations with me. And I think he's heard me listening to your podcast a lot. And I've always been a sexual person. So when I found your podcast, it was great. She's like, she's educating people and she just knows yourself. So he's open to it, but not to me pursuing the woman.

Right. Well, I don't want to threesome. Like, this is something I want on my own. Well, you've been together for seven months and you're 30. In part of me, things like, does he really get to dictate something I want on my own. Well, you've been together for seven months and you're 30. In part of me thinks like does he really get to dictate which fantasies you, I mean, that's, let's go back to that.

It's not even like you're saying I want to spice it up. I want to make it interesting. You're saying my fantasies for women is really going through the roof. And I just think you're young and you are still exploring and how would you feel if you never had that experience? So I feel like, perhaps he needs to hear more about it. Like I don't think you're saying,

I wanna leave you for a woman, you're saying I wanna still have sexual experiences and I still wanna grow and this is one area where I just need to do it on my own. And that's not an easy pill for many people to swallow because they get jealous or they're worried or what does it mean. Not most of us are not that educated around these things.

We just feel threatened and we feel rejected. So there's two things going on here. The first thing is you have this pretty intense desire that you've had for a while, but now it's elbow because it's the porn you watch, although that's what I watch too. But it elevates and elevates. So now it's about that and the fact that he hasn't been that most, he's just not doing it for you. So on the one hand, you can kind of treat your battles here and say, okay, I'm not gonna pursue the woman thing right now, but what I am gonna do in this seven-month relationship is I'm gonna really try to talk to him about what I find

attractive or what would be really hot to me or discussing some of your attractive or what would be really hot to me or discussing some of your fantasies that don't include women or can you remember time with him or like the sexiest night you've had together. Did something happen? Do you remember what was happening? Could you recreate that? I'm I'm big on mood music and so I don't know if you know Alina Buraz, but I think she's got such a sexy voice. But I want to write it down. Yeah, such a sexy voice. Just like all of her's, I could just put on a playlist of Alina Buraz and like a drink, that kind of set the mood. Sometimes I like to dabble with edibles. Yes.

And just kind of get lost in each other, phones away. I don't care for, I mean, with the pandemic we've not really gone out and had that much exciting experiences outside of the home together, which could be playing into this in general, but like playing into this specifics of the woman thing just it's not connecting for me. I just. I don't know until you try it. So you could choose to say, I'm gonna just focus for the next three,

you could say three months, Lauren, you could say, Babe, let's just do, you could download our pleasure planner on our website. It gives couples like steps to walk through and plan out their sex life, the yes, no, maybe list, all the things I talked about could be the fuel to see, like are you guys both into the same things, explaining to him what you might need to be aroused?

Maybe it's more for play, more warm up. Maybe you want to come home for work and he's playing the soundtrack. He's taking care of things, but it's a skill set, like learning how to be a great lover and he just might not know how to be that to you and you might not really know what that looks like either. So you could say for three months, I'm going to try to put all of my energy into trying with him and seeing if he's on board.

And if we could create new scenarios, get a hotel room for a night, travel together. Can you go stay with your friend for a week? Yeah, we've really been laughing those experiences. And I voiced that to him, I need the excitement. Like, I'm not staying with me away to Mexico and travel. Like, I know we both have a lot going on, but I need some, I need to get. I'm not saying, whisk me away to Mexico and travel. I know we both have a lot going on, but I need to get dressed and feel sexy, put on makeup and have him be the one saying, okay, babe, we're going to go here, get dressed up. Tell me what to do. I don't want to be the one

planning it all. I'm the same way. Have you told him that? Yes. He's trying. He's not a planner. Your Lord, he's not a planner. And I understand. I'm not great either, but I need it. I need some spicy. Then I think that you tell him, like, plan this night for us, because I'm not a planner either. And I had a relationship a few years ago. Neither one of us were planners. And it didn't go well, because I'm just like, I'm down for anything. I work all fucking day. I need you to plan. It's also sexy when someone takes the initiative. I think you can really, and the other people have spoken about this, when you're in control

and you like run shit in your life elsewhere, in the bedroom, you kind of just wanna, a little bit wanna be dominated. I work romantically like, babe, we're gonna go here, get ready, we're going out and doing this, and I do understand it's harder now, but it's not impossible. It's not impossible but he might never have been asked this before and doesn't know what it looks like. You might need to really explain to him this is what it looks like so when I come and I know this doesn't sound sexy but to be able to

say to him okay for Saturday night I want you to plan B, and C and tell me what to wear and tell me what we're going and like help him a little bit. And then once he does that and you have this great reaction to it, it'll reinforce new behavior because it's just new behavior, like to learn how to be a planner. But and to learn how to dominate as well, like, he might not even know what that means. So as we say dominate us and our partners like,

what do you mean? Yeah. Like do you want me to choke you? Do you want me to tie you up? Do you want me to like, thank you. You know, he, but no. So, that's why the yes-no. Maybe this is a cool thing for couples to do because maybe he's into some of the things you're into and he didn't know that that's what dominate me. You know what I mean? I can't make assumptions. I told him I wanted to be more aggressive in the bedroom and then I realized last night, like, I need to spell out explicitly what I mean by that. That could mean so many things.

And his nature is not an aggressive. He is kind and warm. So I might have to really say, I want you to pull my legs apart. I want you to initiate this. Make me feel like you have to have me. Yes, exactly, literally exactly. And try to find some porn where it happens.

This is where I love porn. You're like this scene right now, show them three scenes, queue them up. That's what I want. And then say, I'm gonna try this with him for a few months, because the women are always gonna be there. And then you'll know. Right.

And maybe you'll start feeling more attracted to him and those feelings will go away. But it's probably because you as such a lacking, for you're not getting your needs met, you're like, well, this fantasy gets me off every time. You and I'm saying so, so I feel that that might be a good way to go, just kind of commit to, even if it's two months,

because you'll know in two months. And then I guess I'll end up finding out if the lack of excitement is fueling my girls' and the thing not being just a fantasy anymore. Right. Exactly. But you won't know until you change something up. So saying, I'm going to put that aside for two months.

I'm going to give them two months or three months or whatever feels good to you. And you're going to continually talk about it and see, can he bring it? Yeah. And then you'll have your answer. What do you think, Lauren? I think that's a good idea.

I love it. Let's see. This is my hold. You're great. Yay. Thank you so much. Keep me posted. OK. I'll keep listening. I'll keep you posted. I think that's a good idea. I love it. Let's see this. This is my cold. You're great as well. Yay. Thank you so much.

Keep me posted. I'll keep listening. I'll keep you posted. I love it. Have a great night. After the break, I talked to Alexis who just got on birth control and it's killing her sex drive. All this and more come in right up.

Let's talk to Alexis. 19 in Michigan. Hi Alexis. I know. What I was 19 in Michigan. Hi. How are you? I'm good.

How are you? I'm good. What's going on? How can I help you? Of course. So I am in a long term relationship. He's really great. And I started taking birth control when we started having a few months after we started having sex. And my sex drive has slowly been getting to about a zero. And I've been really struggling lately. He's

really understanding, but obviously his sex drive is higher than mine. And I fully believe that a good sex life is important in a relationship. I don't know if I should talk to my guino or... I'm still not allowed to do. I feel pretty good. Yes, we do. Lex, there are so funny that you're calling in right now because I too, and from Michigan, I was talking to my freshman year roommate, so I was probably about your age. I said to her, I think that when I went on the birth control pill, I got on a year,

a few weeks before I started college that it did impact my libido and my mood. And so what's happening, Alexis, is the pill can have an impact on your libido. And I would say 100% go to your gynecologist and ask her for different options. You could get a no hormone IUD. You could also use a condom. You know, there's been a lot of really good information, Lely, that's come in about the truth around the birth control pill, and I'm not telling women just to go off the pill.

However, it impacts our lives. It really does in ways that our mood. Yeah. So if you, and you haven't changed anything, Alice, you're not taking an antidepressant. No. OK. I mean, the pills, so there are different ones

with different levels of hormones. And so you could go see your doctor and see if she could adjust the prescription. I would do that. And is there anything that I could do, like talking to him? I tried to talk to him and he's been really understanding, but I'm just like feeling

that he's not quite understanding what I'm feeling. And maybe I just don't want to force our sex life, but sometimes I feel like I have to because my sex drive is so low. Is there something that I can do now until I meet with my guy now to kind of improve our sex life a little bit or have him understand where I stand. I think it's both important. I think you're doing a great job. Alexis, I'm really glad that you're being really honest with him because our libidos, whether we're on the pill or not, will fluctuate throughout our lifetime. Things, you know, we'll get, you know, who knows, be going through a stressful time or we're on an appressant or after we have children. And so I think the healthier, you know, healthier conversations we can have with our partners about what's actually going

on will, you know, and that they understand is really helpful. So I think you could give them information on the birth control pill and the impact it has on libido. So you're not just making it out. If he wants to really understand it more and what happens. We've done a few great podcasts with a woman named Joleen Brighton, and she wrote a book called Beyond the Pill. So there's great resources there. As far as, so if he wants to read some of that and understand, but let me tell you the other interesting thing that I'm thinking about Alexis is that, you know, for many women, whether they're

on the pill or not, they just don't experience as high of a sex drive. It fluctuates at different times. And so, and even then, women are, we are responsible for turning our own pilot lights on and figuring out what gets us in the mood because you said, well, of course, my boyfriend has a higher drive. That we assume that, but we had a woman calling yesterday who has a higher drive than her boyfriend. So it's not necessarily a gender thing,

but I can see what you're saying that he has a higher drive. And so for you, I would ask you Alexis in ways to work with this now. What are you in the mood for sex? What does that feel like? What's happening right before that moment? Is it something?

Does your boyfriend do something? Is there a response you have to a stimuli that turned you on? Think about what that thing is. Like for me, it's like the more I masturbate, the more I want sex, the more I talk about sex to a partner, I want sex. But it doesn't just hit me over the head. I've never been like that. Right.

But we think it should. I never masturbate, so maybe I should start doing that. I just, I never see, I'm never in the mood. Well, right. Okay, so this is a matter of building a new habit. We're never in the mood for the things that become habits. We're never in the mood for the things that become habits. We're never like, can't wait to brush my teeth. You know, can't wait to eat breakfast. But if you leave a vibe, if you do have a vibrator,

use your hands, I would get a fun new toy that you like to play with, that you might want an experiment with. And you put it by your bed, and you got a bottle of lube there. And before you go to sleep, or when you wake up in the morning whenever you're the most motivated, but take you 10 minutes and just start to explore and get curious about your body and what feels good and then you'll find that that's one way to keep sex to have a mind

and to keep your body moving and keep your body feeling good and start to get those feel good hormones going because orgasms are actually good for our health, our mental health, our well-being, and we'll help you. So that's one thing I recommend and I recommend. I don't know, do you orgasm with a partner? See, I see that I don't know. I've only ever been with him. I don't know what an orgasm is. I don't know if I've ever experienced it or not. Is there something that you know that you've experienced it? Yeah, but I think it's really about, you'll start to feel a sort of your pelvic floor, maybe start to expand and vibrate. You'll start to feel like internal, general areas start to feel good and flush, might move throughout your body.

It's sort of an intense release. It is state of you, state of euphoria. It's a building. Yeah, definitely like experience like that feeling for sure. I just need to explore more, I guess. We all do. Alexis, we all do. And I love that you're 19.

I didn't masturbate until I was in my 20s. You have so much time to figure out your body and what feels good to you so you're not behind here. You are right where you need to be. And just start exploring and touching yourself. Have a good date night with yourself and say, okay, tonight is my night. I'm gonna take a bath.

I'm gonna set the atmosphere for myself and put out my favorite music and light a candle and then seduce yourself essentially and think about how does touch feel on your body. Go slow, play with your nipples. You know, use your hands over your neck and just sort of tease yourself and get curious. Yeah. That might also make me feel so much. I really appreciate it.

Of course. I'm so glad you called Alexis. I listen to you on call here, Daddy, and I've been listening to you all day and I was like I have to talk to her about it. I'm so glad you called in. Yeah, that was a really fun episode. I'm so glad you found me and I'm glad I found you. Thank you so much.

Of course we have a great night. Thanks for calling. Let's talk to Rick in Ohio. Hi Rick, what's going on? Thanks for calling. Not much. I just want to say that I definitely am attracted to both sections, but I feel like I'm leaning more towards the man. Is it possible to be, you know, bi-sexuals? Absolutely. Oh, bi-sexuals? Yeah, I mean, you

can be attracted to men, women, all genders, and sexuality is spectrum. Dispectrum. I've definitely been with men and I really enjoy being with men, but I mean, I have sent on a certain women that I feel more careful sometimes too around men. Yeah, I think that that's totally fine. People think, oh yeah, I think what you're alluding to

is that people think there's no such thing as being bisexual, but like, how could you tell a wholeoting to is that people think there's no such thing as being bisexual But like how could you tell a whole group of people that they don't exist? It's not a phase. It's not a thing And I think that there's a lot of people who who are bisexual and they just go through a lifetime of repressing it because they Don't understand how you could be attracted to all genders. They might be attracted to trans people They might to everyone. So yeah, Rick is it as it been a problem for you? Or you're just wondering about the labels here? Well, no Rick is it has it been a problem for you or you're just wondering about the labels here well no it hasn't really been a problem i mean like for instance i've

been with a guy now for you know a good eight to nine years but at the same time too if i'm watching something like dancing with the stars or or if there's a attractive girl on our commercial i find attractive you know i mean i i'm not gonna dance around around and not look, but I mean, no, it hasn't met a problem. I'm not really into labels or anything, but I think sometimes I feel like I catch myself doing a double-glazer at times and with both genders. That's great that you allow yourself to do that. You know, and people just don't, and in fact, there's a lot of men who are attracted to men, and you probably know these guys,

and they feel shame around it that they end up becoming, you know, homophobic. They end up hating themselves, so then they hate others who are gay. So, you know, I'm not like, I mean, I, yeah, no, I'm glad. I'm saying you're a good example, Rick,

of men, of a man who's being totally, you can come for honest with yourself, you know? Even at home, like I've got, you know, a plagiarical magazine, but yet I've got a Playboy magazine. I mean, I've got, you know, I enjoy looking at both from time to time. Yeah, to me, I think that means that you are open

and you know, think about it. If everyone was paid attention to their bisexuality or that they could be, that sex is a spectrum, just like gender isn't binary, you know, our biology. And so that's true that, you know, isn't either that sex exists on the spectrum.

Alfred Kinsey said, one is straight and six is gay. Have women been a little bit more open about that over the years, are there more women that are more like that or just? I think that women are more openly, women tend to be more bisexual, we tend to hear about it more, We tend to hear about it more. They tend to act on it more.

Because I believe there's less of a stigma. And you're seeing it more in culture, and it's just more accepted overall. It's more visible, but men don't see this. Men don't see it as much, right? You can be bisexual. I think women have been that way for years though, right? I think that men and women have always existed

on spectrum sexually, but I think that there's more permission given to women and there's more celebration of women being bisexual than men but I think it's always been the case but I think for many men they just they just keep it down and they're so afraid of the repercussions and our society says that if you're bisexual you're just gay so that's not fair for men yes you're absolutely right that is the stigma. So that's not fair for men. Yes, you're absolutely right. That is the stigma is there for men and not for women. I totally agree. I think maybe that might have been my original question. I just didn't know how to ask that. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's it. That's it. But I think that now we give people more permission. This is why Rick,

this is such a great, I love that you're calling in. But I think if you really give people permission to expand their minds and to think about it, that people could kind of go try something out, dabble. Okay, I get that, yeah, okay, cool. And I experiment and I enjoy it, and I like it. It's one of the fun. Yeah, good. Well, I'm glad that you found that.

And you're with a partner who's understanding as we all should be. I want that, somebody. My biggest thing is I love sucking penis., that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that,

that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, were attracted to. You know, now we call it like pansexual, people who are more open to anything, they're just attracted to whatever they might be attracted to whoever, whatever gender. And I think that's the way to live,

and I think that's where we're going now, Rick. I think that in society, much to much people's disappointment, many people won't be, this won't be a popular statement. But I think that now that there's more permission and there's more information and there's more education, I think that just allowing people to see that it's okay be attracted to what you want and who you want and just be honest and be open about it

that we would then we would give others permission. Just like me, you talk about this right now, Rick. I promise you was giving some other people permission to feel better about their own choices actually. Or maybe there's some people who have felt that they don't want to come out and now by hearing this they want to. They're thinking, okay, well Rick's doing it.

Rick's open. I'm okay. Yeah, thank you Rick. Thanks for calling. I appreciate it. This is from Mark 43 in the UK. I'm married and I've known my wife for 12 years. We've been married for five.

We're very sexually open. We've been to clubs and we've swung. We use toys together, the magic wand, the womanizer, we watch porn, we use toys, and we are deeply committed to one another. She is the best sex I've ever had. We've been trying to start a family for a while, and last year she was pregnant, but after three months we lost the baby. Worst experience for us both. But we're dealing, however, I believe it has changed her. Totally understandable. It's not something you're going to get over anytime soon. I want nothing but to be supportive of her. However, it has changed our sex life. She only wants sex with she's ovulating. We really want a baby, and I've tried to let her know as much as we really want to begin a family, sex is just for baby making. And I miss her, but don't want to push her due to the trauma of miscarriages.

There are things I can do to support her. So many couples go through miscarriages. It's really, really common, actually. And I don't think we talk about it enough. It can be so upsetting because it's like the ultimate joy, right? When you are pregnant and you're gonna become parents and you're expecting and all this is happening. It's really, it can be very, very devastating.

And you know, you're not only like your hormones, you know, kind of messed up after that, but it's just the sorrow and the pain. And you know, it's estimated that one in eight pregnancies will end in miscarriage. I would say maybe 20%, 25% of my friends, probably who have kids right now, have had a miscarriage first.

They just did, all ages. And so I think if you've seen a market difference mark that she's really, maybe she's depressed, no, maybe she could have therapy and you guys could go together. And this is another thing that happens when couples are trying to get pregnant for a while, it literally just becomes like,

we're making babies, we're making babies, like sex is no longer fun, it's no longer sexy, there's no variety, there's only things I talk about in the show and it becomes like a chore. And this gets really, really challenging for couples. It can be a tricky time. And so it's really important that you can have a talk with her and just say, like what what can we do that could

Keep our sex life still really interesting because well you've said to her. I've let her know that it's not just for baby making But see here's the thing about these conversations if you say to your wife I Feel like we're only having sex when you're ovulating, sex isn't just for baby making. All she cares about right now, honestly, all she's making a baby. So the way you said it, remember guys, communication is so important here

because there's a totally different way. It was like really, you gotta think about your spin on this, right? Like that is not gonna make anyone as you're like, well, I wanna make a baby. What are you talking about? But having conversations or at least thinking about it, you've been with her for a while. What makes her feel the most herself and in the mood and where there are things you can go back to in the beginning that work, maybe you guys need a reset, you need a vacation, you need to

switch up locations. I mean, you could even have some conversations. We've got some great tools on our site and blog posts and things about how to have these conversations. But I think, you know, even ask her, what's the three most memorable times you've had sex? Like, ask her that and say, tell me the three most memorable times we have had sex. And what you remember about them, right? And then you guys kind of a fun game of like trading stories because sometimes we just need to be reminded and

Also, there'll be some clues in that There'll be something in each story that will say oh You know for example if she talks about the time you're on vacation and a lot of our stories are actually People are on vacation. It's because we're out of our element We're not we're not at home, staring at the ceiling, the same ceiling and doing all the things that just aren't less interesting. You change up the location.

But maybe she liked it one time when, you know, there were a lot of dirty talk, or maybe you were, it was a forbidden time. Like maybe you were somewhere where you shouldn't have been having sex. So when you ask these questions, there's a lot of information that you can get from that. You can say, oh, she likes it a little mystery.

She likes to play dress up. If she liked that one time on Halloween and when you had sex. So you can kind of find out cues to see, like, what might be interesting for us? And you did use the words here. We're talking about miscarriage. Like, how do you get past it? You did say trauma of miscarriage.

So if it's been a year and she's still feeling that again therapy, you know, there might be part of it. It's really once you're pregnant and then scared if she does get pregnant, she's going to lose the baby. So it's more complex than we allow people to realize it really is. So that's what I suggest for you, Mark. Repair your relationship, how everyone needs to repair it and that is like honest communication and keep going with it keep talking about it When I come back don'ts wondering how to help his girlfriend figure out what she likes and bet don't go away This is from dawn 31 in Canada long time list her from Canada, I've been dating someone for a couple months. We get along famously. She's funny and sexy, the total package. Our sex life is good, but

whenever we get intimate, she says that she's lazy and doesn't like to ask for what she wants. In bed, I reassured her that she need that be shy and we should have opened communication. Any tips on how we can improve this aspect of our relationship. I would say that your girlfriend, Don, probably isn't lazy. She doesn't know what to ask for. She doesn't, she says she doesn't like to ask for what she wants in bed. Nobody likes to ask for what they want in bed.

We all want our partners to be mind readers and to figure it out. I mean, I actually believe that. I used to think that my partners must be able to intuit from my body language exactly what I needed. And I thought that men were shipped off somewhere to a school and that in that men's school, they learned everything about the female body because I had no idea. I mean, really, that's how we don't have information about this. And so I think that you can work with her on this Even telling her that she doesn't need to be shy. You should have opened communication. Make this fun Okay, you could make this like I get what you're saying, but let's let's I would just love to hear you right now

And we're not in bed, you know? Let's talk about what you like. You could go to our site, you could download our yes, no, maybe list. You guys could take that together. It's a list that lists all the sex things. Everything on the table, kissing, anal, foreplay, cuddling, and then you each tick, yes, no, or maybe. I mean, if she's lazy, she wouldn't mind laying down

and clicking off the yes, no, maybe list with you. But I believe that, you know, she should tell you, you could also play a game, make a fun sex game. Have a conversation using, you know, there's like these sex lips, there's all this stuff, sexathomely.com, we've got a great store. They ask questions and you guys could find out together,

but in my experience, she likely doesn't know what she needs or has enough experience with her body to be able to ask for it. And that's just the majority of humans on the planet, so that would make sense. I don't think that she's probably withholding from you. Another great thing is, you know, I hope she masturbates. I hope everybody practices self-loving, but if she hasn't yet masturbated or she's, you know, doesn't really know her own body, she only knows her body in relation to another human that can also be challenging, because maybe in her past relationships,

her partner's, they took all the control, so she actually really doesn't have the language. So maybe some mutual masturbation would be hot. Do you know mutual masturbation is one of the top search sex terms? Definitely on our site, because we talk about it a lot. It's like, of course they do. It's the fucking best. You're like, you know you're going to get off. You're learning from your partner what feels good to them. Maybe you get each other off. You switch hand. You get them off. They get you off, but you're, you just, it's a sure thing. And

it's a great learning tool. Amanda on my team says she's played sexual chess. Hot. You don't need to buy a sex game. Just use the things you have around the home. Amanda, what was that? Tell me whose idea. So the man does sex life. He says, I love Amanda's sex life. Thank you. It's taken years to cultivate.

But so the different pieces represent different things. So like, we were also playing it with like wine so like ponds where like you have to sip the wine or something but then other things were like remove a piece of clothing or you have to do this to me or I have to do this to you and we did set a time limit on it because some of it was like hand stuff or oral stuff so we had like one of those timer timer whatever yeah I think part of the fun too is not letting it actually like turn into sex But like forcing yourself to get back to the game. It's edging. It's like an edging game

Because you have to stand. I love this idea Because that's what we all know too when you prolong a rousal and desire like you're not allowed to by the rules to actually get into the sex But you're teasing for as long as the alarms two minutes or a minute and then you have to stop. I want to play that game I So I think what happens is sex is fun in our minds like growing up or like sex is gonna be the best what I'm an adult I'm just gonna have the sex all the time You know, it's like looking forward to get your driver's license Which actually is pretty awesome when you get your driver's license.

When you are turned 16, it was the best day of my life. Having sex, not the best day of my life. It's a huge let down. Having sex is not what it's cracked up to be, and I think it's actually never meets the hype of what it is when you've never had it. Unless you do the work that we do here, and now sex is, is I get it? That incredible sex is better than almost anything on planet. But so many of us aren't there because we never learned how to get there.

Let's make sex fun again. Are you in? Let's talk to our female caller 51 in Arizona. Hi. Thanks for calling. Oh, hi, Emily. How are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm fine. I'm just having a question. Yeah, thank you. I enjoy your show. I was just thinking I'm 51 and I've been married to not anything crazy, but, and things got a little stale, and I think I'm going through menopause, I'm not sure. And my pubic hair is gray, and I'm so like embarrassed, I hate it. Hmm, that happens, yeah. Could you shave it?

You could dye it or shave it. Those are your options. I tried to buy it one and it was just, I don't know if I just waxed it. I'm not sure. Or embrace it or just say, you know what? My pubic hair is great, but if it doesn't make you feel sexy, go get it waxed. Get it waxed.

Trim it, shave it. Or just, yeah. I mean, that's really what you do. And have you ever had it all removed before? No, never. I mean, you might like it. When I first started doing that,

like years ago, I got like the Brazilian wax where do you live? Arizona, yeah, go into a, a Medi, go into a spa. Get it, it's, there's different ways you can do it. It might even be less painful right now. I mean, it is kind of painful at first, but they take all the hair off and it's really, really smooth and it can feel really good.

You can, because there's so many nerve endings on our vulva, the exterior part of our vagina, that there might be more access and you might realize that he can sort of with oral sex and using some lube, it might feel good. It might be a little change or diet. There's like, I wish there was a magic bullet for it.

Either accept it. You're trying to go down there and I'm like, no, no, no, no. So either you embrace it and you're like, yep, you're even saying the thing, this is who I am, or you try something new. And see how that feels feels because it grows back. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Yeah, I'm going back. You're giving a world. Okay, let me know how it goes. I'm dying to know now how you think if I've never ever done it. Okay, thanks. Let me know. Retirement. Yeah.

I appreciate you thinking about cars. Thank you. Of course, I'm here for you. I got you. I got you. I mean, really, there's nothing I wish I wish there was something you could do when your hair turns gray, but there isn't. It's embrace it, diet, shave everything. That's what you do. It's true. Even when you're with someone for 25 years, there's still stuff to work on. There's still those issues.

I think you're 25 years together. You'd be like, oh, look how cute you have gray hair. Remember, it's all what we want, like what makes us feel sexy. If she's not allowing her partner to go down in her and she enjoys that, then I'm saying, okay, either embrace it or take it off and see how that feels because no matter what age we're at, I think that there's things that make us really insecure and prevent us from having the sex that we want. And the sooner we can kind of unpack those and realize that what we're worrying about,

what we're stressed about, is not gonna upset our partner likely. It's mostly our own judgments about ourselves. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where every lesson to podcast and share this with a friend

or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this, they will too. We released two to three episodes a week. Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all at Sex with Emily. If you want to ask me a question about sex dating or relationships, you can email me feedback at sexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. And check out my website. We have so many articles on there helping you better sex, and you can check out our guides at sexwithemily.com slash guides for free guides that will give you expansive tips and activities. Sign up for weekly emails because hey, I've been told I give really good emails.

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