Sex With Emily - Hotline Calls: Why Can’t I Orgasm?

Episode Date: November 25, 2022

How’s your orgasm lately? Do you wish it was more intense? More frequent? More predictable with a partner? Orgasms don’t have to be a thing of mystery. And that’s why today's call in show is devoted to all things O. First up: she fears a loss of control while climaxing, which derails her arousal altogether. Can she relax and stay present? Next, he’s fit and athletic, with a girlfriend who loves sex. The problem? It takes him a long time to finish – maybe too long. Finally - when you’re with a partner who loves giving you oral, but it’s not exactly getting you off…what gives? I answer these questions and more from our brave live callers.Show Notes:Sexiest Gift Guide Ever: Emily’s Picks for 2022 HolidaysPromescent Delay Spray & MoreArticle: I’ve Never Had An OrgasmArticle: Where is the Clitoris?Article: 6 Tips for Mastering the Game-Changing Technique of Mindful MasturbationArticle: How To Respond When Your Partner Can’t Stay HardThe Yes No Maybe List & Other SWE GuidesEpisode: More Sex, Less Pain with Heather Jeffcoat Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The great news about orgasms is that a lot of the problems we have are orgasms that we have to do with our own selves, with our mind, with our stress, trauma, shame, spiral that we have in our head. That's the loop that's keeping you from pleasure. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Question for you.

How's your orgasm lately? Do you wish it was more intense, more frequent, more predictable with a partner? Well, listen, orgasms, they don't have to be a thing of mystery. And well, that's why today's Colin Cho is devoted to all things of. First up, she fears a loss of control while climaxing. What's her partner going to think? What are her neighbors here? Well, this derails her rouse all together. So, how can she relax and say present? Another caller? Well, he's fit, he's athletic, he's got a girlfriend who loves sex. So, what's the problem? Well, it takes him a long time to finish.

Maybe too long. What to do? Finally, another one of our collars has a question. When you're with a partner who loves giving you oral, but it's not exactly getting you there. What gives? What's going on? Well, I answer these questions and more from our brave live collars. And let me say this, I love our caller shows. So if you would like me to answer your question on the show, you can just go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. You can call our hotline 559 talk sex or 559 8255739. I really love talking to you and helping you take that next step in your sex life, okay?

It's a good time. Let's talk. All right, intentions with Emily for each episode. I want to start off by setting an intention for the show and I encourage you all to do the same. My intention is to give you more comprehensive understanding of your orgasm so that you feel confident enough to unlock your full pleasure potential. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show and check out my YouTube channel social media and TikTok. It's all at Sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. Alright everyone enjoy this episode. You've had their 29 in New York City. Thank you so much for calling in.

Tell me everything. How can I help you? I wanted to write in because I just feel like I come to a point where I can admit that I have some control and some shame around finishing when I masturbate. I have a cute little vibrator that I use. It's pretty regular. Getting started is not a problem for me, but it seems to be when that finish line comes into the horizon. Somehow I get really freaked out and I get all of the what ifs. You know what if I'm loud or making noise that sounds funny, make a mess. You know, I live in the city, what if my neighbors hear me?

And just allowing myself to experience pleasure for pleasure, say, almost. So I can get 80% of the way there and can't quite see and they get those final pieces in the place. Yeah, wow. Totally understand that. That is so hard. Like, I'm trying. And now it's like, what's going on. Well, what I like what you said, though, is there's a lot to pack here.

Because first, I, again, I think it's great that you know yourself and that you're calling in for this because we're going to help you here. First thing is that you said you have some shame. Maybe it's some early messaging or do you know what that shame message is? Yeah, I think that's where that pleasure element comes in, because I think the messaging that I grew up with was, you have to earn it, you have to earn pleasure, you have to earn play, there has to be a purpose to it. And so as an adult, it's been very interesting to unpack that.

And so you're out in every area of my life where this pleasure exists and especially when it comes to sex and being in a relationship being able to be okay or at least trying to experiment and explore and learn out about myself. So it, our culture is such a get-shit-done culture, right? Like we got to like everything that we do, we have to, there has to be some reward or doing it for a purpose or it doesn't feel, you know, that we deserve it, right?

Pleasure actually is productive. The more pleasure we have, the more it's gonna help every area of our life. So hopefully you know that, but you also know that you have this battle in your head. So that's the one thing, and this is just for everyone to realize that like we deserve pleasure.

Pleasures are birthright. We don't put conditions on when we are deserving of pleasure. So the more we can look at our lives and look at our weeks and think, where am I putting pleasure into my life when to this week or this day, you'll start to realize that you do deserve it and how much better you feel in all the areas of your life. So that's one thing, just until actually knowing that. And so it sounds like it's more like in your head, like when you're at these fears,

like about making noise, about letting go. Like you said, that's your kind of your issue is letting go. And so in those moments, do you know what, because like our mind and our body are so connected, have you ever done any practice around meditation or breathing, breath work? I have tried. And maybe it's something I need to read the bit in this case. I'm telling you, it is a game changer when it comes to anxiety and anxious thoughts

that are keeping us from being present in the bedroom, even with ourselves. And so even practicing outside of the bedroom, breath has been shown to help facilitate orgasm, to help calm our nervous system. We've anxious, racing thoughts. And when we're in the bedroom and we're worried, am I going to be loud? Is some going to walk in? Is this wrong? Do I look weird? All the things? It helps reset brings you back to the moment when you breathe. So you can focus on what you're feeling at the moment. The good news here is this is all a mind thing. This is not like you can't orgasm.

You're an orgasmic. It means that you haven't orgasmed yet. Do you get to the point where it feels really, really good? Is that the point? You feel like you're about to orgasm and then you just stop. Yeah, I don't know if I get excited or anxious. Like, oh my gosh, is this the time? Like, is this gonna happen?

Is everything gonna be right or go right? And I think all of that, and I know and who's something that won't break for myself because I'm like, I have to label it. This is the thing. This is the thing that I've been trying to achieve. Wow. So with the practice of meditation is not labeling and it's letting go. So another thing could be like, do you ever do any fantasizing or any listening to a radical, like having something else going on

that could kind of help connect you, think about something while you're also in your body. So you're not just kind of getting caught up in something else rather than your thoughts. Yeah, so most of the time I listen to or watch porn, I'm Melissa, a recent kind of watch, which has been great. So the auditory thing is really important and really helpful for me. My partner is really supportive and basically anything that I would want to do He would be into and an encouraging of I have to figure out what I'm into or what I'm I want to step out of my comfort zone for I mean, I love that you a partner that knows and I am a big fan of figuring all this out on our own If we can and then bring into a partner

But maybe you could do a little mixture of both. You could say like, this is what I learned yesterday or this is what I learned last time, but maybe this touch would work. Like, let's try something new. So each time you bring it in, because maybe there'll be something in that collaboration with your partner with your together that might actually help you let go too if you're with somebody that you trust. So what I would practice with the tools I would use is first just saying like, it doesn't have to be so black and white Like it has to be on my own and then you're gonna let your partner know so the process of figuring it up could look like it's Both of you going back and forth, but the other tools in your toolkit that I would like you to have for this would be Breathing like I said definitely using some loo, but, we should always use lube in every sexual situation.

And do you ever do any cagul exercises? Like, do you know doing a cagul is when you squeeze and relax your pelvic floor? It's like, it's those pea-stopping muscles that are responsible for the flow of urine. So those muscles are the muscles that are responsible for orgasm. Other thing I was going to say to you is practicing moaning.

I feel like maybe you're very, it's probably silent during sex. And when we hold our breath, it's almost like we're in fight or flight. So when you're in fight or flight during sex, you're not breathing, you're being quiet, and your body's tense. So when I'm giving you these tools of like breathing,

like practicing moaning, that's something thing you can do on your own. Because again, that's all of our release say that's an outward motion, you're pushing your energy out. So you're kind of oblocking yourself. I love it. Thank you. Yeah, any advice at this point? I was like, please, I'm just going to write in and maybe you

don't say it, maybe not, but at least I did it. I'm so glad. But I thank you. I hope that this has helped you. And I did it. I'm so glad. Well, I thank you. I hope that things just help you. And I think this also will help so many others listening because we all do. We all get our heads from time to time, but you're going to learn to get out of it.

But it just helps to kind of calm yourself either before, during, just getting the practice of breathing and letting go. That's the opposite of the control. I'm practicing with a loving partner. What you have. Absolutely loving partner. But you have absolutely. Absolutely. Thank you.

Thanks for the question. Of course. I appreciate it. I appreciate you. Thanks for calling. All right. The practice of letting go. That is how an orgasm happens because the opposite of as be control means tense, being

tight. And we're not going to have any fun when that happens. So that's why I love the practice of breathing and meditating and just like it's the opposite of tension. The opposite of control is letting go. I understand that's what we need for an orgasm and you probably understand that too. So the great news about orgasms that a lot of the problems we have our orgasm has to do with our own selves with our mind with our Stress trauma shame Spyro that we have in our head like that's the loop that's keeping you from

Pleasure it's ourselves, but how great is that how great is it to know that the one thing keeping you from Having the most sex and having the most pleasure is actually in your control I think that's very comforting just do do a little breathing, a little meditating, few minutes a day, and then start practicing in the bedroom better yet, practice with the partner. Take a few deep breaths, a grounding breaths with your partner before you start to have sex. Before you even start to connect, or if you're feeling unsettled or in your undifferent page with your partner, you can turn to them and say, when it takes three deep breaths right now? They'll change your whole world.

So try some of that and then let me know how your orgasms go. Calling from Colorado, we have Brent to any 63. How you doing? How can I help you? What's going on? I'm 63-year-old male. I'm really healthy, fit, and active. Have a wonderful girlfriend.

We have a great relationship, great sex relationship, but it just takes me a really long time to orgasm. That's kind of been coming on for a while, but it seems like it's gotten longer and longer and longer. And now it's just too long. As you get older, because we know like it just, it does change over time,

but you said you are into testosterone replacement. So how was it like 20 years ago? Tell me how it's changed. 20 years ago, it was nothing that I noticed. I wouldn't have thought of this as any problem 20 years ago. I'd say maybe since the late 50s into my 60s, it just started taking a little longer, a little longer, until now it's like takes really long and it's time and effort and it gets into my head a little bit too. So that's a complicating factor.

So what happens right now? Like walk me through it. Are you having penetrative sex and you're not able to orgasm? Are you getting oral sex? What's happening where you're like, it's just not gonna happen. Well, we have a fairly varied sex life. We have penetrative sex and oral sex, and we use some toys sometimes.

We kinda have a lot of variety, and it seems like kind of regardless, it takes a long time. Okay, well kind of toys you're using, because toys can be great for penis owners to stimulate everywhere, actually, the shaft, the tip, the front wheel, and the balls. That can really help, like a higher setting on a vibrator could help stimulate those nerve endings, because really

it's blood flow. So what we're trying to do is get that blood flow moving so you're able to able to ejaculate. Now I do take Cialis and I wonder if that has any effect on delaying orgasm. Cialis can definitely have an effect on delaying orgasm. Are you taking Cialis every time? Yeah, you know, Cialis is kind of made for daily dosing. I don't always take it daily, but yeah, I pretty much

take it prior to sex. Yeah. Did you start taking it because you were having challenges around erection? Yeah. My sexual response is just not what it used to be. I don't have any physical problems of being unable to get an erection. It's just the sexual response is not the same. But if you're getting erections and you probably don't need the Seattleis because the Seattleis helps men who are having more problems with erection erectile challenges. You know, I can wake up in the morning with a

full hard erection, but it seems like my sexual response doesn't quite always go that far. You mean your response to ejaculate? You mean? No, and I like to get aroused for sex.. I see so it happens in the morning, but it's not happening on demand when you wanted to so you are Having got it. So you are having some challenges around it. So that's why you're taking the sales, but will it happen like? Eventually like again like you ever maybe you could just experiment you have a girlfriend I'm sure you're hopefully you're very open and talking to her. Oh, sure. She knows that she's here listening to our call. Oh, I love it. Hello, girlfriend. I feel like there's just some fun ways because I think that it's, you know, hey, let me just say that it's really hard as we get older to realize like our body is not doing what we want to do

anymore. And I know for a man, I mean, I'm for women, but I'll say it's men like it can be really like hard and shameful. I feel like this is my penis. It it can be really like hard and shameful. If you're like, this is my penis, that it's not working the way I want to, so we're like, I'm just gonna take a pill. But maybe there's a way with your girlfriend, you could take some time off from the sale, let's just try a day or two, and see if even if you are not hard at the beginning,

she could kind of work on getting you harder with her mouth, with a toy. There's like, strokeers that you can use for masturbation or mutual masturbation or she could use it and use it. They vibrate. They like wrap around your penis like a hot-done bun. There's also like cock rings that vibrate that can feel like you put it the base of your penis that helps stimulate blood flow and help with erection. We have you actually. Okay great you've used those. Have have you ever had any,

so how was that when you used a vibrating ring? You know, I don't know that it made any big difference. It sure felt good to both of us. Well, that's good. Well, what about, have you tried at all any prostate toys? Yes, and that's something that I really like and yeah, we do do that. Okay, well that I think helps many a man prostate play using a toy or a finger or even butt plug can feel incredible and you can still have your orgasm and takes the pressure off of the erection. So maybe you want to play more in that area. You know, I do think the CLS is going to have that side effect. So that's probably why you're not able to orgasm at all. That's why I was asking you because for

some men's life long, like they've always kind of been in delayed ejaculator as just kind of as they get older, they've become even more and more delayed, but it sounds like this is just more reset. And so I would say try it without the CLS and see if you can build towards your own arousal and start to understand it together with a loving partner. Okay, which I definitely do have. Yeah, it sounds like it. Have fun and play with loobs and get toys for her and watch porn or role play. Just like take the pressure off of yourself. I would love you just both take the pressure off of orgasm and when we kind of move the attention from orgasm to Exploration and play you might just find that the you know

Adjaculation is gonna happen on its own very good. Thank you for the You're so welcome. Have a great night have fun tonight All right, bye. Thanks for calling. Bye God we all put so much pressure on ourselves to like orgasm, get hard, get wet. The more pressure we take off ourselves and the more we feel into our body and breathe and think about like, what do I, what feels good to be in the moment? How could I communicate to this partner? How could I connect with my partner right now and get out of my head?

I think that we're all likely to have way more pleasure that way. I know this. And yeah, as we get older, and I hope to be in your 60s, like your sex in your 30s is different than your 20s, right? And so every decade your sex life is going to change. We have hormonal changes and just be willing to kind of look at like, what does it look like now? What does it look like now at this point in my life?

What does it look like with my partner? And how can we continue to support each other, have healthy communication around it and continue to play and grow together. After the break, I'll be speaking with colors all about their orgasms and how to have more so stay tuned. We're taking a quick detour from today's episode for our holiday gift guides spotlight. This week I'm doing by Suki Dunham, who's a wife, mother of two, and co-founder of Oh My God, a brand leader at the sex tech revolution. Here she's telling me some of her favorite products to stuff your stocking with this holiday season. Suki, you were one of my first guests on the show 17 years ago.

We had never met before. You called in and it was late at night. You were at East Coast. It was snowing. I was doing a live show. I remember you were like on the side of the road. And I had to have you on my show because you are such an innovator in the sex text space. You would create the first, oh my god, that was the music connected to your iPod. And it was revolutionary. Welcome to the show for a stop. I'm very excited to reminisce about that and your company just continued to grow and been such an innovator in the field.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Yeah, it's been a fun ride. If you would have asked me when I was 20 years old or graduating from college, what do you think you'll be doing when you're 54? I would not have told you that I would be making sex tech vibrators. That wouldn't have been my answer by any means, but it's been a really

fun journey. Let's talk about the hotlaces, because you've so many incredible products happening at O.I. Balbo. I was like, what's the top stocking stuff for? Definitely our app connected pleasure products. Sex tech, tech-enabled pleasure products is where we got our start, so we created the first music-driven vibrator connecting to an iPod. And now, of course, we have Bluetooth-enabled toys where you can be in LA and your partner can be in New York or China or London or wherever they are on the planet, and you can play remotely.

I think those offer up some great fun ways to play with your partner. Of course, you don't have to be miles apart. Blue motion series is the name of our Bluetooth enabled vibes, and we have a Panty vibe. People always ask me like, what's a great couple's toy? What's a really fun toy? And I think this is the ultimate,

and you guys did this so well. So whenever you're like, Panty vibe, I'm like, you guys nailed it. So we talk about this for a minute. Yes, thank you so much. Basically, the app offers the users a bunch of ways to play. So when you launch our app, you can use built-in vibration pattern, sure.

But then there are all these exciting ways. We have a functionality called ClubVib. So ClubVib really goes to the heart of where all my vod started, where it will bring in ambient sounds. So if you're at a club, a concert, a cocktail party, it'll bring in the ambient sound and vibrate. So you can be out in public,

if you choose to do public play. Also, we have access or music mode. So you can use your music library. You can also, of course, a lot of people don't even use a music library anymore. Our works to Spotify. There are all these great playlists out there. We even have some Oh my God inspired playlists out there on Spotify. Can you want to search for that?

So basically what we're saying is it would be my underwear. Maybe there's some music going on, some ambient sound. It just starts to vibrate to that wherever setting I have it on. Or my partner could also be controlling it on his phone with the app. Something else that's unique to us actually is we actually have a watch app. Let's assume that your partner is controlling it. It will vibrate to their heartbeat. So as your partner's heart rate increases, they get more excited,

your vibrator will go faster. So it's kind of like this really cool connection between you and your partner. So then you have the next two, which is the G-Spot vibe, and then the next three for another couple of soy, which I always love to recommend this time of year is the penis ring. And that has the same functionality. So what I love about the ring and what I had been wanting for quite a while when we first launched on my bot was disability to listen to your music with your partner in the five, five to the beat, right? And so with a penis ring, it's great

because you're having sex. You've got your sexy playlist going so you're both vibing to the same music. I think that's the coolest because we all are many of us listen to music while we're having sex. So it just makes complete and utter sense to have this couple of things.

And the idea with the extended touch design is that you can be moving because that's what you do when you're having sex, but it's still maintaining the connection to the clitoris. People love the idea of a covering that's just novel. If I braid, if you're with a heterosexual couple, like clitoris, these stimulation, but a lot of them just fall short

because you're losing contact. This way the clitoris is happy, the penis happy, the clitoris is getting enough stimulation, it's brilliant. Yeah, we're always solving problems, you know? You look at a product, you're like, okay, well, this is cool, but it could be a little bit better if it actually was touching the right part of my body the entire time. Yeah, exactly.

This is not just some company pumping out toys. Like you guys put a lot of heart and soul and care and design behind all of your products. So I think that's really special. I've talked about this in the past when I just love about the love life, the rev. Is that it's the figure vibe too. So it's so playful and I also love your intention behind it. Love life rev came about because I'm now in the 50 plus club and I started to recognize kind of a little bit of ageism that happens as it relates to sex, right? It's just like just because your older doesn't mean you don't love sex or enjoy it or want it

and all that great stuff. So I decided that it'd be nice to address community of like an aging population. I call it the A or P5, but of course it works for everybody, but what's different about it is that it slides over your finger, two fingers actually like a ring, and the idea behind that is somebody who has arthritis or they can't hold a vibe that this product doesn't need to be held, right? It also has one button control, easy to control one button, and then the construction manual was set up for somebody who's a little bit older because it's in larger type face print. So I don't need my readers to figure out how to use this for other people that are interested in this product.

What's great about it is being able to be worn on the finger. It's a great what I call reach around vibe because you don't have to hold it. It's just on your fingers right there. And it's also great for oral play. on your fingers right there, and it's also great for oral play. I just love a finger vibe too, no matter what your age, because it's so versatile that you can wear it almost anywhere. You could even put it on your penis. You could use it when I give my partner a massage some times. I'll just use it all over their body. If you're in control of where the vibration goes, what's your best seller? Definitely our cuddle and cuddle many.

Those are stand buys. Those are kind of like super stand buys. We just sell a whole lot of them. The love life cuddle performs incredibly well because of its size. It's not too big, it's not too small. It's got a nice rumbly motor in it. And it's actually stiff, so it allows you

to place great pressure against the G-Spot area. So it's actually stiff so it allows you to place great pressure against the G-Spot area. So it's a G-Spot vibe. It's an award-winning design so it won a Red Dot Design award when we launched it. The packaging for the whole Lovelect collection also won a packaging award so it's a great gifting. It is a great gifting and I love it as a mini now. Yes, the mini actually came about, you know, we listened to what our customers say. Obviously, we're not, we don't design in a bubble and customers said they love the cuddle, but they loved it. Like a travel version of it. So that's how cuddle mini came about. And it's a smaller version. I think it's a great beginner's toy.

Everything that you were doing, Sukey, and oh my God, is so well done. I really disrespect you and your company and the toys that you're making with so much care and heart and passion. What can people do for the holidays? So we are actually running a really great Black Friday Cyber Monday sale. It's 30% off site wide and beyond that, you get a free,

love life discover which is like a small petite travel vibe with every purchase and this is November 23rd through November 29th. Everybody gets a free vibe and 30% off? Yes. So we're making an extra rich. The code is black cyber that's CYBER30 to get your free love life discovery near 30%. Thank you so much, Sinky for everything you're doing at the court talking to you soon. Thank you for having me on it's been a blast. That was this week's Holiday Gift Guide Spotlight. For more holiday shopping inspiration be sure to check out my sexiest gift guide ever,

Emily's picks for 2022 holidays at sexathemly.com. They're 30, calling from Georgia. It's so nice to see you. Tell me what's going on. Hi. So just to start off, a little backstory, I came out four and a half years ago. I don't really have a label for myself, but I identify as queer if someone asks.

But I've mainly been dating women. So since I came out, I definitely had a lot of self discovery and growth along the way. So that's been great. Then very focused on just being the most empowered, true version of myself. And part of that, of course, has been self-discovery with my sexuality and sex.

And one thing I've discovered along the way is that I can orgasm with vibrators or a shower head, but I haven't ever been able to orgasm with touch or oral or especially penetration, and especially when it comes to penetration, fingers or anything are very uncomfortable if that downright painful for me. So my question is kind of too full. I feel a little self-conscious and weird because I feel like a one-trick pony with, I'm glad I found something that makes me feel good.

But my question is, how can I broaden my horizons a little bit? And then within that, what can I do to make penetration a little bit more comfortable and explore that because I feel like I'm missing out on something a little bit by not exploring that. Totally makes sense. I understand that. Thank you for sharing all of that. Yeah, I get it. It's like everything that we see about sex is like you shouldn't have to use a toy. You should be able to like orgasm during penetration, all these things. I think that the main thing is first knowing that it gets okay, that that's how you orgas, some people will only orgasm with toys or with a shower hat or something else. But really it's a process of just like spending time on your own, doing a little bit of like mindful masturbation, really just paying attention to, and I don't know if you spent this time on your own masturbating and just really thinking

what it actually feeling more than thinking, but exploring your body, what does it actually feel like when I touch myself and I don't go right inside, I don't go right for the clitoris, but I'm actually exploring my fingers and the light touch over my clitoris externally, over my labia, my inner thighs, my outer thighs,

and just start to like tease yourself and really breathe and think like what touch actually feels good to me and like let it build without the goal of orgasm, with the goal of just exploration. So what's been your practice with masturbation on your own? I think like a lot of people, and I've heard this, you know, from other people on your podcast, I get a little interrupt of a mindset of like, okay, like, let's get this done and move on to the next thing on my day. So just getting the vibrator out, and I know that's going to work like pretty fast. And so when I try to take the time to be mindful and to explore touch. I have a hard time focusing on that

and not letting my mind wander to my to-do list or everything else going on in life. Oh my God, we can all relate to that, right? I mean, I think that is the problem. Like, we don't have anything in our culture that's teaching us how to be present, right? You have to like work on mindfulness. You gotta like start a meditation practice or breath work,

which is what I've been talking about, which is what I've been doing for a long time, but it's still hard to do, but that is the magic. That's where we're gonna learn to keep bringing our attention back to the moment when your mind is wandering, coming back to what am I feeling, what am I feeling? So that's how you're going to learn,

I think to have more pleasure in that way, you could also edge yourself. You could use the vibrator and say, I'm gonna use the more pleasure in that way. You could also edge yourself. You could use the vibrator and say, I'm going to use the vibrator to get myself like going because what it's doing is we've so many nerve endings, you're like 8,000 nerve endings. And so why vibrators are spectacular is because a lot of those nerve endings are sort of tucked inside or they're just sort of you can't access them all at any given moment. You can't access them all at once, but a vibrator does that for you. So you could sort of play with just like a little simulation and then removing it and

putting your fingers on, like start touching yourself and then put it back. And so we call it edging or like teasing yourself and start to build the orgasm on your own. And I don't think it should be so binary like, oh, I used a vibrator I didn't like maybe you do a little bit of both. There is a lot more to learn, but you're gonna have to like kind of play with what you're already doing to sort of expand and know that there's like, there's definitely going to be other ways for you to be turned on, like,

using a vibrator on your nipples while you're touching your clitoris because those your clitoris and your nipples actually both stimulate the same regions of your brain since it's equal to the same regions of your brain are responsible for both of those sensations. So they're connected. So maybe you find that that feels really good too. And so I just think it's a practice scene. Like I'm going to spend 15, 20 minutes speak or 30 minutes that I'm just going to like try this as a practice.

So I would I know it's not fun. It's not a quick fix, but that is the process. So that's one thing. Yeah, not be so focused on orgasm, like results, focus of that. It's got to be the end result. Right. It is. It has to be because then that's how you learn. And I've had to, you know, over time, I had to do the same things.

I was just like, I hit it in quite a person. But then I like learned, like, oh, I really started to pay attention and feel I was like, oh, my upper left quadrant of my clitoris is a little more sensitive than the lower one. And then when I'm with a partner, I can, I now know that this is the way I need to be touched, but like that took practice of me figuring out or being with a partner who was like, going slow with me while I figured it out, I figured out things with people, without people. So that's one thing. But the other thing I would say too is tell me about the pain you're

experiencing with penetration. Yeah. Basically, just even with any kind of like shallow, like internal stimulation, I just am so overly tight. And it just feels so uncomfortable. And if I, you know, on my own or with a partner trying to go any deeper than that, it actually just starts hurting. And so I feel like it's just very, very tight. And I also at this point have a huge mental block against it that it's not going to feel good.

So I don't know if there's something medically going on there. I mean, I don't have any like major trauma or anything in my past that is leaking to that that I know of. I'm glad you're bringing this up too because it actually is really common for women to feel this tightness and really just be about your nerve endings in the way you're genetics. It could be because you're holding some kind of tension in it that you don't even know that you're doing. It's essentially the tight pelvic floor. And so what I recommend is seeing,

finding a pelvic floor physical therapist in your area and you might have something called vulva dinea or vaginismis, vaginismis is when anything inside of a vagina feels tight, it could be like a tampon, a finger, a penis, a toy, and it just it hurts. And so now, yes, as a result of you having pain, you probably do win. Every time something comes in, as a result of you having pain, you probably do win. Every time something comes in because it's you're protecting yourself. And so the practice

of going to a pelvic floor physical therapy for many, many vulva owners is helpful and they have different exercises and practices that they used to help kind of diagnose what's going on. But it could be something else too. But typically that's what it is. And what I've seen such great success for women who have had so much pain throughout their lives and they go see a public floor physical therapist six times or three times, and then they no longer have any pain. If that is what it is,

then you'll have now more access to your entire vaginal area because I can imagine that another challenge around orgasms that you have this pain because remember they're all related. Our internal muscles are related to our external muscles. Our clitoris has legs that extend deep inside behind our vulva. So if you're having tightness and pain, it's sort of restricting those nerve endings. And perhaps even blood flow.

And blood flow is what's responsible for orgasm. So if you're like tensing because it hurts, and then we're searching blood flow, there just could be a lot of things like that going on. So breath work is gonna help you, you learn to breathe, which I always think is important, that kind of helps move things. And then seeing if someone can help you like that, because I think that'll help you with everything else.

Yeah, I should have a friend of a friend. I know someone who's a PT and she's telling me, oh, I have a friend who specializes in that. So funny enough, that just came up the other day. So I can look into that in my area. Definitely check it out. I mean, I have to say just in the last four or five years that we really are, that there's more people being trained to become a fellow fourth physical therapist that we've been talking about it now more, which I love, but it could really

help you. And I did a great episode a few years ago with a woman named Heather Jeff Coat. And we can put that in the show notes, but in the episode, she's been on the show a few times and she's a physical therapist and she talks all about this. We actually identify the different kinds of vaginal pain that women go through

because it's really, really common. And you really, you don't have to, don't have to live your life like this. You really don't. Sounds good. Thank you so much. You're so welcome. Thank you for calling. I really appreciate it.

Take care of yourself. Thank you. You too. Such a great resource for me. So just the last couple of years, you and some other resources is, I wish I would have discovered them sooner, but you know, better late than never.

So I really appreciate it. I'm so glad we could be there for you, really. Keep on your own journey, keep doing the work. It's so interesting, like 80% of women experience pain during sex at some point in their life. And some women experience it all the time. Like every time they have sex, they pain. But yet, we don't talk about it.

They feel like they have to silently suffer through it. But you do not have to silently suffer through it. And you do not have to silently suffer through it. And you might not know where to go in your community because they got to be honest. I love that we're getting our checkups and our pap smears and going to our gynecologist, but they're not always the most trained and the most educated on what a vulva needs in some of these cases. And so I just want to remind you all that since we have to be our own best advocates,

and we have to find somebody who specializes in women's health. Maybe they specialize in hormonal health, a lot of the pain that we're experiencing can do with hormones. There's a lot of things that can be going on, and lessons we don't know where to turn. So I love when you come to me, and you check out the show and our resources,

and also be searching in your community too, for doctors who are specialized in the area of your concern. Now we have Dave, he's 59, he's coming from Olympia, Washington. How can I help you today? Tell me what's going on. So when I, I, I said in a request, I guess, to talk to you because I was, I was really struggling with something. I could not come from a blowjob. It was very serious and I would be trying to not overthink it and not relax enough. And I'd finally, about two weeks ago, my girlfriend and I, we got past that.

It was unbelievable. She was extremely happy, a couple of times since then now. So it's been, oh, yeah. Love it. And I talked to her about it. We have a very good discussion about sex. I'm 59, she's 52. We've been dating for almost four months,

and we have a lot of fun. We're very open and discussing, you know, what we like, what I like, what she doesn't like, and I think that's very important, you know, like you keep saying, communication is lubrication. It works. Yeah. In the conversations we had about it,

I was like, this is just driving me crazy and I started thinking I thought was possibly because I was married for 30 years and in that 30 year period, and this is a true statement, I never once received a blowjob from my wife. Wow. Yeah, I mean, she would play around and it wasn't her thing and her mom taught her

and that was bad and I had had plenty of that happen in high school and before I got married. And then after I was married, I started looking for that. And I would find someone and I could complete the mission, so to say, in a car at her house or whatever, and then go about my married way, which again, is not right. I'll never be that guy again, but you do the things that you do.

Yeah, absolutely. Again, hopefully, yeah, your relationship where you're talking about sex, which is what you weren't doing. We weren't able to do it. You chose a partner who wasn't able to talk about sex or grow sexually, which is what a lot of us have done. So now we're in the next chapter of your life. I'm happy.

It's funny. I was on a couple of dating apps and those are hit or miss. You meet some people that's all they want where you meet some people they want a relationship out of it and I had recently gotten out of a relationship and I wasn't really looking for a relationship but I met a young lady who was amazing and I don't want to let her go. So I am doing everything I can to keep her with me and it's been really good. I mean, it's not perfect.

Everybody's, you know, you know, that goes. Perfect relationship doesn't exist. It doesn't exist, but the biggest things are is talking about stuff and not, you know, allowing yourself to get stuck walking on edge hills or even a little direction, but never in the bedroom, like you say. Never in the bedroom.

I got one, everyone, like this should be everyone's message. If you are dating anyone who knows you're serious, you're having sex with somebody, talk to them about sex two day, because it doesn't get easier, right? And so, yeah, I mean, you do the things that you did, and you know why? It sounds like you're with a mature partner who wants to please you.

And to think that was keeping everyone's with your thoughts in your head. Well, I think it's common. I do hear from men that are like, why can't I or a guy's doing a blowjob? This is why we're here on Earth. It's just to be the best thing in the world. Like how could there be a problem? But again, a lot of us are in our heads thinking about the past, thinking the future.

We're in the past. We're in the future. We can't be present. And we're not present. We're not going to have the most pleasure we can have. So somehow she was able to help you out here. I've been around the block, so everybody has different things. This is the first girl I've been with,

it's like she's really into like dirty talk and I haven't quite processed that yet. That's a very, that's a new thing for me because that was a totally verbatim with my wife and my last girlfriend like no, but something that happened with us together which was I thought was actually, she said that she's never been able to come with a penis alone I did that and I was like, fuck yeah, you know that's Yeah, that's huge. Yeah, huge. I mean, that's common too

You know a lot of women only like well you've been listening You know they're only like 20% of women to do orgasm with the penis. So that's amazing. She's able to or they or they fake it like you know You talk about they fake it. Yes. I did all the things too. I I read yeah, I did all the faking So it sounds like you're in a really healthy relationship the one that you've been preparing for your whole life I'm gonna marry this girl is word of God not my moon up for a year or two, but you never know Take it slow. Yeah, I'm so glad So now you're in this relationship. It's been four months and you say you're going to marry her, which doesn't make me a little nervous because in four months, like, I want you to go slow and I want you to get married

yet. But is there another area like sexually like, is there something that you still feel like you want to, is there a fantasy or something you've been wanting to try that you're like, but I could never say that because then I would challenge you maybe to have that conversation with her tonight. So I took a girl two, three years ago to a swingers club in Seattle, and that was a lot of fun. That was, that was an eye open. I'd never been to one of those before. And I got laid three times at night. It was crazy. And I've discussed that with her. I said, hey, I just

say, you know, this is things that I've done. Is that something that you just used. She goes, you know, it'd be kind of cool to go up and watch, but I don't want anybody but you. And I'm like, no, no, I'm not talking about Swap. And I'm not talking just to go experience that. So I think that's something that we're worked on a little bit. She's, we talked about some, I don't

want to use the word rough play, but rougher. I grabbed her hands a couple of times and held up overhead. And she just, just gushes. So that's kind of cool. Okay. Yeah. All right. Good. Well, I'm glad you're having these conversations. It's good. Have you guys done the Yes Know Maybe list on our site that? No, I need to do that with her. Do that. People love the Yes Know Maybe list because then it just has all the things on there. And then that starts a new conversation about where you want to go next. So and then we, you know, we have episodes on everything that you want to try.

So you just kind of listen together and experience. I've gone back to 2021, I think, and listened to a couple of years, and like, wow, I missed that one. You had one about, you had one about oral sex that was pretty interesting, not to go back then, and April, I think, at 2021. Wow, yeah.

Damn, I wish I listened to that one before. That's good. That's why they're there and they're pretty evergreen. We got to wear all of the, we got A and we got kink. We got all the things for you. Well, thank you for your call. I appreciate you. I'm so glad.

I'll tell you, I really enjoy your show. I follow you on Instagram. You're a beautiful young lady. And I love your heart. You're very kind heart. So thank you for that. Thank you, Dave. I appreciate that so much. Thank you. Have a great So thank you for that. Thank you, Dave. I appreciate that so much.

All right. Thank you. I feel that. Have a great day and I hope to listen to you soon. Well, I think the verdict is in. I think it's communication is lubrication. I think we could all agree that being in a relationship where we talk about sex early and often that we are going to have better sex. We're going to know forwards the right partners. And I love the stories about evolving too. We have to sort of learn from our past relationships,

try not to beat ourselves up and realize that we're going to try to do better in each relationship. That's the amazing thing about us is that we can continue to learn and grow if we're willing to do the work. And I don't know about you, but I don't want to repeat any of my past relationships. I always want them to grow

and get better and I want that for all of you too. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where ever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. A go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. Is it good for you?

Email me. Feedback at sexwithemleaf.com.