Sex With Emily - Hotline Calls: Why Masturbate When I Can Have Sex?

Episode Date: December 5, 2023

Ever felt like orgasming with a partner is like solving a Rubik's cube blindfolded? Well, you're not alone. Today, Producer Erica and I dive headfirst into this problem with a few tricks up our sleeves. Next on the agenda: how to tell your loving partner you want to be humiliated in the bedroom. I give you the tools to help your partner feel more comfortable with the idea. Then we discuss the ever growing debate: is masturbating with a cam girl considered cheating? Stick around to hear my two cents. And finally, we're talking about masturbating, even when you've got a willing partner on standby. We'll weigh the pros and cons, and why solo sex deserves just as much love as partnered sex.In this episode, you’ll learn:About core erotic desiresThe benefits of masturbation (by yourself and with a partner)How to communicate your fantasies to a partnerSee the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.Show Notes:2023 Holiday Gift Guide: My Top Picks for the Hottest Holidays Ever2023 Shop With Emily Gift Guide6 Ways to Upgrade Your 69How to Find the G-SpotMagic Wand MicroSHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69)The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureWant more? Sex With Emily: HomeLet’s get social: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok Let’s text: Sign Up HereWant me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

When you prioritize masturbation, it's also an active rebellion in a way that gets your upbringing. Prioritizing your own pleasure, independent of a male orgasm, and aside from it just being about procreation, is an act of self-care. And maybe it is a little rebellious, but it's also part of the journey that you're sharing that you're on. And we support you. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex, strap in or strap on because we've got a juicy outline calls episode for you. Now, you've all been leaving me the most incredibly thoughtful, vulnerable voice bells and I just have to thank you all for normalizing

these sex conversations. Today, producer Erica and I are answering your questions about what to do if you can orgasm by yourself, but not with any of your partners. Humiliation kinks, which are more common than you think. What does it mean when you catch your partner on chat rooms? Is it cheating? And what to do if you feel guilty for masturbating like you might as well have sex with your partner already. Please rate your views sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It

really helps get the show out to more people, promote sex positive messaging. We so appreciate it. And in fact, I want to read you what it my favorite reviews recently from Travis 49 from Florida. He says, Hi Emily, I've been bingeing your show for a month now, 12 hours at a time. I'm a truck driver from Florida and I've plenty of time to listen to all your wisdom. I've learned that I've been doing everything right

and my sex life is absolutely amazing. Thank you Travis, I'm so glad to hear that. And we'll be picking some of your reviews to read on the upcoming show. So please leave one right now. My new articles, six ways to upgrade your 69 and how to find the G-Spot Europe on sexwithemily.com. So clearly you need to go and read those right now. Plus if you haven't seen them yet, I have 2 holiday gift guides out right now.

One is on my sex with Emily website and it has all of my top-rexas holiday season. There's 50 in total. So yes, there's sex toys, but there's head bones, weighted blankets, journals, candles. Please check that out. The other one is on my shop with Emily's site, and that has all my top sex toy recommendations. So if you've been wanting to make it easier

this holiday season and you want to give to Toy, just go to shopsexwithamely.com and I will link both in the show notes. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. I have a secret to share. It is a secret so small yet so powerful, it's really going to blow your mind. I'm talking about the Magic Wand Micro. I didn't even believe that this was real.

I got in the mail and I was like, oh, cute, they sent me a Christmas ornament. No, it is actually a workable, incredible magic wand. It is the micro. It's not even the mini, it's even smaller. Okay, I know what you're thinking. Micro, how can something so small pack the punch that we've come to expect from the magic wand? Well, let me tell you, this little guy is a game changer.

It's like they took the power of a full-size Magic Wand, somehow shrink-wrapped it and zapped it down to a pocket-sized powerhouse. This tiny Titan is only 4.5 inches long, but don't let the size fool you. It's got higher rotations per minute than any other Magic Wand. It reaches a whopping 6,500 RPM. The micro is actually faster than its bigger cousins. Okay, but it's not just about speed. The magic wand micro offers three different speeds

and four vibration patterns, giving you this range of options to find your perfect vibe. And the best part, it's all controlled by two intuitive push buttons, making it as easy to use as it is powerful. The best part, the Magic One Micro, is USB rechargeable, which is a dream. You don't have to carry around a bunch of extra chargers.

And this gives you up to three hours of runtime on a single charge. That's a lot of power to have in your pocket. So if you're ready to experience the power of the Magic One in a compact, portable size, head over to shop, sexwithamily.com slash magic wand and get your magic wand micro today. But you got to hurry because these little power hoses are selling fast faster than I could have imagined. So don't wait, go to shopsectorthemily.com slash magic wand. Do it right now. This is Charlie, she's a female 37 in Ohio.

I had a question about how to orgasm. So, I can orgasm by myself using a toy, usually clear assimilation. However, I can not orgasm with a partner and I'm in an open mirage so I have multiple partners and I cannot come to orgasm. I also can't come if they use a toy on me, but if I'm by myself, I have no problem. How can I come with a partner? Charlie, thank you so much for your question and you are not alone here. This is probably one of the most common questions and common concerns for a vulva owners

where we're on a row, we can have orgasms, no problem with a toy and then someone else shows up and we just can't make it happen. First off, nothing wrong with needing a toy every time you're orgasm, either. I don't want to place orgasms on this hierarchy where, you know, when you do it with a partner without a toy, it's that much better because it speaks to this whole misunderstanding of the female orgasm that it should only happen one way. It should be able to happen with a penis

or during penetration. That is just not the case for many of us. Okay, so that's one thing. But the other thing is, know that this is a new practice. So your body is used to a certain kind of orgasm, orgasm is a certain way and it's sort of like the neuro pathway is get trained. And that's what they're expecting to happen is that it's just you and a toy. The thing about them using a toy on you is that you could start by showing them how you use the toy on you is that you could start by showing them how you use a toy on yourself. So baby steps here, perhaps they put their hand over your hand while you're

stimulating yourself. I love that. And then they'll see what's happening and they'll kind of get it. And then they could sort of take the driver's seat and start to drive it themselves. This is the process of coming together. So can come together now We're going together coming together is also so overrated and so hard to do because it's like what are the chances Like we've already talked about orgasms that especially for vulva owners like the stars have to be aligned We need certain amount of like lubrication. We need a certain positioning We need you not to stop when we say don't stop. And like all these things have to happen. And for it to happen at the same time is just wonderful.

It happens, but not as common as we'd like it. So I think that just literally using the words and saying, I really wanna come with you. Here's how it works for me in the past. And so like let's try this toy together and figure it out. Now I'm wondering if you've tried other things, you know, like oral sex, other other ways that you've gotten there.

So it sounds like you've only orgasm maybe ever with a toy. So if you're looking to see if there's other ways you can play, you might want to just have one of these parts of slow down, make it more about exploration, maybe one day it's all about your pleasure, and the next time it's all about their pleasure. One of the challenges around sex with a penis is that their orgasms are pretty much going to happen

every time. It's pretty set. It's pretty linear. To learn something new about your body takes time and the thing about sex is we want our partners to get off and we want to get off. So for many vocal owners, it can be hard to relax and receive and to say, okay, we're an exploration mode today. You're going to move your tongue in certain ways, your hands in certain ways. And we're going to see if I can get there. But when we have that pressure of now, I got to make sure he gets off. It's hard to relax into it. So by taking turns and saying, there's nothing like a part of saying, babe, it's all about you. Lay back. We're going to make you come and like, don't worry about me. Because then you could really take it all in, you guys could play around together and

just make it about you and then next time, it can be all about them. And going back to what you were saying about the toys, if you've never had an orgasm without a toy, there's already so many factors going on when you bring another person in, like, what am I gonna look like? What is my orgasm face? Oh, the clock's ticking. You don't need to change two things, not having a toy and adding a person,

just add one person and keep the toy. And you could also try some mutual masturbation. Well, why not have your partner masturbate and then you masturbate the same time? Not only is that really hot to watch your partner masturbate, but also you're learning how they touch themselves and what feels good to them. And then they're learning, you know, what you do. And so it's just a really fun, connected

experience for partners that is also really intimate as well. I think mutual masturbation is like a fan favorite. I feel like people are like, oh God, I didn't know about that, but we do it all the time. It's just a lot less pressure and a lot more pleasure. And what you were saying about tonight's all about you, you also say this don't make it about orgasm either. If you've never had an orgasm through oral sex or something that feels remotely like it, you might not know what's going to get you there to orgasm. But at least if your partner goes down on you for 20, 30 minutes, even if you don't orgasm by the end of it, you'll just have a better understanding of what felt better, what didn't feel as good, and so you're just kind of learning more

over time and learning more about your body and yourself and communication. Yeah, and what I also love about this is that that's building arousal too, so maybe they'll get to this point or oral sex words, building it feels great, and then you bring the toy in. So you're already close to orgasm. How about because she's in an open marriage too. I wonder, does that mean she has to keep teaching people every time? I guess that's the same as someone having casual sex. Yeah, that is. It pretty much is. I mean, maybe if she's open, she's poly. So that would mean she'd have different partners that she's easy to one regularly, but yeah,

it is kind of like casual sex. You got to teach them every time. No better way to hone your skills. Right? Like you're gonna become an expert at your pleasure and then teaching your pleasure. And to be honest, this is something that I wish for everyone that we honed our skills and started to create our own central owners manuals. So whenever with a partner, it just becomes like, this is what we do.

I'm gonna show you what I like, you show me what you like. Because there's so much of time that's wasted in relationships, like with trying to figure it out and it can take years. But this process, like I'm actually really envious of this process. I'm like, I love that. You can test this out with a lot of partners.

Totally. And just become like really a pro of your pleasure. And they always say that to become a master anything you teach it to someone else. Yeah. So you're really just becoming a master with multiple people for yourself. And they also take 10,000 hours to become an expert, spend a lot of time focusing on mutual pleasure. This sounds like a good time ahead for you, Charlie.

I'm excited for you. I would too. Thanks, Charlie. This is from Ricky's 42 in Cincinnati. So my question is, during the pandemic, I sort of learned that I have a king that I was unaware of, turned out I'm into something called a small penis simulation,

which is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. I enjoy comments about teasing, mocking, and just being small in general. It's taking a long time to kind of figure out why I actually like this, but it requires that my wife be involved with this. We've been married for about 20 years, and I've used your suggestions from your podcast about timing, tone, and turf to talk to her about this kink. And different opportunities just kind of ask some questions and kind of see where it goes

from there. I've asked her to help me explore this kink in real life and so far she's hesitantly agreed. The issue that I found is that she's in general a kindhearted person so she kind of has trouble understanding why this is a turn on for me and so far she doesn't really seem to get much out of it. The internet has almost nothing useful or helpful about this topic. So my question is, have you ever done an episode on this topic about humiliation, kinks in general. If so, I'd love to kind of get to know a little bit more about that resource. If not, I'd like to know if there's any other resources

that you would recommend. There's a lot of really bad stuff on the internet that we're trying to just stay away from about cucking and BBC stuff, and that's definitely not where we want to take this. So if you have any good SPH resources for us, I'd really appreciate that. Thank you for this question and thank you for spelling out this kink so beautifully. It is a common kink and I love that he's been able to share it with his

wife and he really listened and understands that you have to take the time, explain what you get out of it, what she may get out of it, what you make out of it, but it sounds like that's where he is struggling a bit. Cause it can be hard to wrap your head around like his wife going, wait, what? You want me to make fun of your small penis and then you're gonna get turned on by it? Like that is hard to wrap your head around.

Yeah. I get it, right? So, kinks are basically, let's just clarify kink. Anything outside of conventional sex. Basically, anything outside of conventional sex. Basically, anything outside of like missionary sex, making out falling asleep is kinks. So we're all a little bit kinky. And remember, we've talked about ways to spice up missionary on the show too. So, missionary can be kinky too.

Exactly. Everything's got a little caveat here. You can make anything hot. But some kinks, like ricks, could be connected to our core erotic desires. And I talk about this in my book as well. Celeste and Danielle who are sex coaches kind of coined this term. They're specific feelings we want to experience during sex. So for some people, we want to feel cherished. We want to feel nurtured.

We want to feel adored. Right? Like thinking about what we want to feel. And for Rix wants to be humiliated. There was a study actually that showed that for cisgender women in the Kink community, 43% of them said they enjoyed verbal abuse and humiliation and then 26% said they enjoyed

humiliating their partners in the same way. And you know, it was it choose these core erotic desires which in some ways can make us feel a little bit better. Probably from something early in your childhood, we might actually remember a pinpoint, that's okay, or a lot of people are like, or a lot of people are like, or a lot of people are like, or a lot of people are like, or a lot of people are like, or a lot of people are like, or a lot of people are like, or a lot of people are like, or a lot of people are like,

or a lot of people are like, or a lot of people are like, or a lot of people are like, or a lot of people are like, or a lot of people are like, or a lot of people are like, or a lot of people are like, or a lot of people are like,

or a lot of people are like, or a lot of people are like, or a lot of people are like, or a lot of people are like, or a lot of people are like, or a lot of people are like, or a lot of people are like, or a lot of people are like, or a lot of people are like, or a lot of people are like, or a lot of and you're just well on your way, you know,

to having the sex life you want and you're like embracing it. So if you can explain these things to your wife, maybe she'll get a better understanding of why this is a turn on to you. So you know, maybe it was like, okay, you were in seventh grade and you got bullied for something, you got made fun of, and maybe you were also going through puberty at that moment. And then that's how it got linked up to your rouse all this feeling of wanting to be humiliated. I know it can be sort of confusing or convoluted to people, but that's actually what it might be. But the why isn't as important as how we can execute it, right?

How you can make this a reality. And I also want to say I'd love to know what turned your wife on because I think once we can kind of get into her Chororotic desires and yours then it's sort of like you're both fulfilling your deep sexual needs Which is I think work that everyone could do in their relationships Highly recommend it and you guys might not have the same Chororotic desires and fact it's probably more common that you and your partner have different Chororotic desires But then at least you can take turns of satisfying one partner's fantasy one time

and then the other the other time. Usually we're not the same as our partner and that's why we fell in love with them in the first place and that's what makes sex hot. So he did ask what she's getting out of it. Like why should she participate? And well first, it brings you pleasure. She's actually doing something that makes you feel good.

So that's important. Compersion, she gets pleasure from your happiness. So let's figure out what her turn-ons are. Let's explain to her what's going on with you and see if she can just sort of decide that she's gonna show up. She's gonna take your word for it. This is your turn-on and see how she can also make it part of her own eroticism as well, not only by identifying what she likes, but just knowing that you're the man she loves, and she's with, and what can she do to be fully supportive? And I'm sure she is outside the bedroom. I'd like to say we all want to support her in the bedroom as well.

Thanks, Rick. Hope please, we'll be right back after a quick break for more juicy hotline calls. But first, for any of you who want to spice up your orgasms, or for anyone struggling too orgasm either by yourself or with a partner, here's my go-to rack. One of my long time favorite brands, Magic Wand, has just the toy for you. But here's the thing, I don't think I've given this enough love yet, it just came out. But they just launched their new magic wand micro. It looks like it should be on a keychain. It is micro micro, but so powerful. Now, I know you've seen the full size magic wand. Many of you know about the magic wand

mini, which has also been a staple since it came out. So that was the last magic wand that freaked me out, like in a good way, and then I got this micro, and I thought it was like a Christmas tree ornament or something. It's not. It is, they're all new, impossibly small, and ridiculously cute magic wand micro. It's about the size of a typical bullet vibe,

like four and a half inches long, but it is a true magic wand. It has the same soft silicone head, a flexible neck, and yes, it is super powerful. Okay, the other great thing, the micro is also USB rechargeable. Now, side note, I wish that all toys would go to USB rechargeable because it's just one less charger,

but micro did it. It has three speeds, four vibration patterns, and even comes with a little wrist strap, which is why I thought it was a keychain, but it's for one less charger, but micro did it. It has three speeds, four vibration patterns, and even comes with a little wrist strap, which is why I thought it was a keychain, but it's for your wrist, you won't lose it. It's the perfect stocking stuffer for yourself or loved one this holiday season. So don't wait, the Magic One Micro

with all the other Magic Ones, like the original, the rechargeable and the mini are available on my shop site right now. Go to shopsexfendly.com, slash Magic One to get yours today, and there's free shipping on all orders over $69. And by the way, let me just thank everybody for visiting the website for shopping on Black Friday and Cyber Monday.

It was unbelievable the amount of you who came and bought and trusted us in our recommendations. I'm so grateful. We're so grateful here. We spent a lot of time putting together the site so it would be a really accessible, fun place to go and a trusted source for all of your sex accessories. So I just love you all and I just want to thank you for that so much. Happy holidays. All right, everyone. We'll be right back. Next we have Erica. She's 24 in Nevada. I'm calling because I caught my boyfriend on chatterbait the other day.

The reason I'm calling is because I feel cheated on and I'm not sure if I'm completely valid in that feeling, but we've established those boundaries about a year ago, so they were already pretty much set in stone. And then I found it on a stone again and I'm kind of asking like, how do I be intimate with him again? All right, thanks, Erica, for this question. So we could ask this question a lot, especially with more ways to cheat, with the rise in technology, and dating apps, and porn being ubiquitous, available everywhere, and all of our platforms. People always ask, was this cheating? Is this cheating? What do you think is cheating? And I want to remind you that everyone gets to decide what cheating is in our relationships.

Every couple gets to define their own rules. It sounds like you did. A lot of times people haven't defined it. So I'm like, well, if you haven't really talked about it, we should just assume that our partner is masturbating. But this is why we got to talk about it. And just even say to your partner, I know you masturbate, but I have feelings that come up around it.

Let's talk about it. And then you could understand that your partner is still going to masturbate and why and it's not really taking away from your connection. But in this case, you had a conversation about it and you should talk about chatterbait. chatterbait is a little bit more involved. It's not just a one way experience to actually you're interacting with somebody online and masturbating with somebody. So I think you might pay for it and you get to pick somebody and they masturbate with you. So it's a little bit more involved.

It sounds like you've already had challenges around his chatterbait usage and then you find it again. So you feel like he's been lying to you. It's a breach of trust and your feelings are totally valid. Let him know for sure how this made you feel and then find out more about why what it is about chatterbait.

Like clearly, he knows how it made you feel and he did it anyway. So there's something really, really compelling for him about masturbating with chatterbait. Now, I want to remind you that a lot of us masturbating relationships because we want to release tension, stress, it's a way to stay connected with ourselves, it's self-love. It can be difficult to change behaviors, so again, getting curious, to allow him to open up to you about what might make it feel more collaborative, It's self-love. It can be difficult to change behaviors, so again, getting curious. Allow him to open up to you about what might make it feel more collaborative. And then he might not hide it from you in the future.

Maybe he feels like, oh, I already know you don't like it, and I feel shame about that. So I'm just going to hide it from you. But is there a way you could open up once you learn more about why he's doing it and feel like, you know what, I could support it? It's a fine balance because obviously they had set this boundary, he broke it. So in a way, he did lie to her. And at the same time, clearly, if this is something he is going to continue to do,

how can she give him the space to come to her the next time he does it? Because I feel like if she just gets mad at him, he's just going to continue to do it in secrecy. So she's got to practice some compassion and curiosity and just sort of take a few deep breaths and really listen, listen to what it is about it. And you got to ask them in a way that is like, why? Why do you like it? We're talking about like, I actually would love to know more about what this does for you. I just want to understand your

core about desires. I want to understand how it makes you feel. And if you really can do that and you can really listen, you're going to learn about yourself too. We always learn about ourselves of relationship. Why do you want to set this boundary? Do you have anything that's happened in your past or in fidelity? You've heard about other relationships. Maybe they don't necessarily apply to yours, but you've heard that a story about someone's partner on Chattabay who went and left with the woman he was masturbating with.

So reflecting on your own and then discuss your reasons with your partner so you're having a conversation. And then once you have these conversations in the open, I think you will be ready for intimacy again with your partner. Because when we don't communicate with our partners and we have a lot of mistrust, this is when resentment's build up. And remember, resentments are huge blockers to our intimacy and our sex lives. And just feeling unsafe, like you can't trust your partner. Yeah. And she's probably just up that right now.

She's got feeling or sexy. I knew I couldn't trust you. And then it just snowballs. We run away with this intense energy. And so if we could just kind of dial it back, like it curious, right? Really, it's about getting curious and listening and actually feeling the emotion to go through you

with letting him know how it makes you feel. It's okay to say I get threatened or I feel jealous. And I really do think that Suffolk come up for her where she's like, oh, yeah. This reminds me of one time my mom caught my dad watching porn or cheating or you know, there's always more layers, there's always more information. Like, you know, some people might be like, oh yeah yeah I don't mind if I parted chat debates better hurt

the me because I don't really want to masturbate with him right now you know it's so we all have different experiences there's no right or wrong there's only just being present with what is and what you're true through what's his truth I'm so intrigued by these chat sites because I feel like that's such a new thing because I know you you've talked about, oh, people masturbating to porn today is similar to people masturbating to a photo before porn was readily available. Is there an equivalent to this before technology or is this like such a new thing

and requires that new boundaries get set? That's a good question. I mean, I feel like, no, this is another level and I can understand too why this feels like cheating. Exactly. You're really paying somebody, and you're the only one watching them maybe, or maybe a few other people are,

but that's, I mean, that's also only fans, too, right? I think Chatterbait is like a very specific, it's just a one on one thing, although I haven't been on it. But yeah, no, there's really nothing else like this, and it isn't just, you're straightforward, I'm watching porn. My instant reaction is, oh, they're never gonna meet up with this person in real life.

It doesn't matter. But then I also know of so many relationships that have been developed online, not from chatterbait, but just like online friendships, like long distance. I'm sure it does. There must even be like, oh, give me your real number or let's meet up

because you get attached to people. Also, let's remember what happens when you're masturbating with someone. You're having a heightened sense of arousal and you're also feeling maybe more connected to the person and it feels more like a real relationship. And they're also actors, like, they're acting. So I had a lot of friends who would work at SHOPCLubs.

They were dancing. And there was always the guy at the night who was like, I, we have a connection. I know that you felt something, the way you were having this lap dance to me so they could like project and read into things. So I could see to your point, there could be some kind of relationships formed

or even a sense of, I'm gonna keep masturbating to the same woman, I'm gonna come back every day, I'm gonna give her money. I mean, I could see that being like, like what if your partner didn't have a lot of money and was struggling, you're like, you're not buying me dinner, but you are spending, I don't know how much it costs a day.

To masturbate, it brings up a lot. I could see this being another level of threat to somebody who feels already that they can't really trust their partner. So I've got to break it down, have some real talks, do some listening, and you're not going to probably solve in one conversation. Takes time to process, take a while to get into this situation, this conflict that we don't

just end conflicts either by one conversation. It's ongoing, be compassionate, and be curious. All right, thanks, Erica. We appreciate you. Okay, this is from Rachel. She's 30 in New Mexico. I don't estimateate very often. And when I do, it is usually a precursor to partner sex. I think I feel like if I'm in a mood to masturbate, I might as well have sex with my partner. But honestly, there are times that I would really rather just masturbate than have sex.

My husband and I have sex usually one to three times a week. So I don't feel like it's like I want to masturbate instead of having sex. And I don't know if my worry that masturbating instead of having sex sometimes is because that really is a bad thing or if it's just some of my sexually repressed upbringing coming out I would love your advice. Thank you so much. So thoughtful such a great question she's so self-aware and Rachel I'm so glad that you have been able to do the work to feel more liberated and less repressed by your upbringing.

A lot of us just, we don't really do that kind of work. So I'm always thrilled and impressed and happy for people when I hear them go on this journey. You know, so whether people grew up under strict religions or not, the masturbation does not have great PR, especially female masturbation. And especially masturbation and relationship. A masturbation, that's why we want to call it celosax, just the word. We can't get around it. And you know this, because you've been listening, both are very, very important. Masturbating is a woman and in relationships. And yes, although masturbation and partnered sex can both give you orgasms and a lot of pleasure,

there's a lot of reasons to prioritize solo sex. I want to remind you, you could have with your body. So your embodied, right? Embodiment is a really important pillar of sex IQ. And you understand what makes you feel good. You're like, oh, I like this kind of touch. It's kind of pressure, this kind of sensation. And that's the self-knowledge piece of sex IQ.

It's just so incredibly important to prioritize yourself as an individual, even in a relationship. For example, I could go on a hike with my partner and I do, but I could also go on a hike alone and I do that as well. So I love going on a hike with my partner. It's, you know, we bond, we talk, but I also love my hikes alone because I get to reflect, I get to be with myself. I often like think about things or come up with creative ideas, it just wouldn't happen if someone else was next to me. That's really important time to honor even in relationships. I feel like now there's this expectation or people create that expectation that you

have to do everything with your partner in prioritizing soloed me time is important in and out of the bedroom. Yeah, so important. I think we're just coming out of like decades of that was the case, you know, women stay at home, men were out working, like it hasn't been that long since his paradigm shifted and we're just getting to work and figure out what we want. We're spending more time single before we're getting into relationships. So there's just societies different and it hasn't often caught up with what we want. Like if we look at our parents, they probably might have spent more time together than we want to. So we have to remember that we get to decide in our relationships what we want, what feels good. It's common for people to be a meshed in a relationship. Let's do things on our own. Individual, our sex exists.

You have to remind it is important to connect with yourself as a sexual being independently. Also, you've done the work to sort of get out from under the repressed culture you grew up in that when you prioritize masturbation, it's also an active rebellion in a way it gets to your upbringing. Prioritizing your own pleasure,

independent of a male orgasm, and aside from it just being about procreation, is an act of self-care, and maybe it is a little rebellious, but it's also part of the journey that you're sharing that you're on, and we support you. This feeling of, oh, whenever she masturbates, she might as well have sex with her partner. Oh. Does some of that fear maybe come from, oh, I don't know if I can get aroused again. Like if I'm aroused now, I might as well use that with my partner. I do think that there is some, well,

as long as I'm in knock it out now, I know that he's gonna want it later. So I think that might be part of it for many, many people. They're like, oh, there's only enough minutes in the day. I don't even have time if I masturbate now. Again, that's why we're talking about this. I wanna remind you that it's different. It's a different kind of time. It's a gift to yourself. You don't have to worry about pleasing somebody else.

You know, having sex with somebody else is a lot more work. It's a different kind of work. It's collective sexual energy and there's just something really beautiful about our alone time. So there's a lot of time in our lives to do both. Thank you, Rachel. This is from Chiavani and she's a female. I'm reaching out. I listened to your podcast today about how often she walks back. The average was 1.5 times a month. I totally understand that's the average. But my partner won an excess twice a day, which we've been enjoying, and I love. But I'm not able to or doesn't as often as he's like given the statistics and I hate to blame it on that whatever but like you know I enjoy more

folks like getting around and into the moment. So because you have to be so often I'm not getting there as often as you guys. I guess my question to you is, how do we reconcile that? Any feedback would be great. I'd love to show and enjoy your book. Thank you, bye bye. Hi, wish she was here. She sounds like lovely. So lovely.

Thank you for your question. And first, I want to clarify something. You said the average is 1 1 2 half times a month that couples have sex. I think I was reading a study. I think it was 1 and a half times a week just to clarify that. Yes. So what I'm hearing you say is your partner wants it twice a day and you're actually down with that but you're not having orgasms. And I'm not down with that and neither are you. And so if you enjoy for a play and getting aroused and into the moment, whatever you're hearing is that, you know, you are having sex twice a day

and you're down with that. Like I love that. But to drive an aroused today, you're not always having orgasms. So you're kind of like, I don't really want one. Also because it takes time, as you know, to get aroused, to have an orgasm to get turned on, that I'm just thinking

maybe you have sex once a day, but make sure that you definitely are getting your pleasure and having an orgasm. Because I feel like it's about quality over quantity. But it sounds like for you, because we can only take it a case-by-case basis, we all have different needs, not only individually, but in a relationship, right? You have to figure out what you want, what your partner wants. So it sounds like you're okay with you even once a day, but you're really gonna need to take that time because if you've got two hours a day, say to have sex,

you could expand that time and just make it about one really quality session. And I think explaining this to your partner outside the bedroom and saying, you know what, I just love the sex we're having, everything is fantastic, this and that. It's great, all the things you love. However, all the sex we're having, everything is fantastic, this and that, it's great, all the things you love. However, all the sex we're having is going to be realized that like I actually need more

time, more for play, I think it'd give me examples. I think if we spent 20 more minutes of you going down on me, warming me up, giving him a massage, using a sex toy, then I'll have orgasms like you are, babe, and then we'll both be feeling great, and this'll work for both of us. And I think giving him those suggestions and the context around how it makes you feel, remember our partners can't argue with how things make us feel. If you said when we have sex twice a day, this is what I like about it. However, sometimes it makes me feel like I'm not quite finishing and then that doesn't feel great in my body and then I start to feel less connected to you or it makes

you feel resentful, explaining that you're part and then you've a solution great in my body. And then I start to feel less connected to you or it makes you feel resentful, explaining that you're part of the new facility. How great we go to our partners with something that we're not feeling good about in the relationship and then you've a solution. The solution is, let's slow down. Let's take more time with my pleasure. I think you would like to hear that

and hopefully be open to finding way for both of you to have pleasure. That sounds super hot. That sounds way hotter than, oh, we have to hit to every day. Sounds like you're trying to just squeeze it in because clearly there's not enough time for four-play. Just to let you all know, you could go back and find that episode, but I prefaced it by saying, I don't love putting numbers around sex because then you compare yourselves to it and you think you're over, you're under, but we were doing a sex in the news episode.

It came up in the news and I was talking about it, but every couple gets to decide how much time, how much sex they wanna have, what kind of sex they wanna have, what your turn-ons are, what your turn-offs are. If you've been listening to the show, we're all about that, we're all about you figuring out what you need and then finding a partner who's able to meet those needs

with you meeting their needs and that's how sex works. It's a collaboration in the truest sense of the word. Thanks, Giovanni, let's do how it goes. Thanks for reading Smart Sex. I'm so glad you're enjoying it. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash askemily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com. I have a secret to share. It is a secret so small yet so powerful. It's really going to blow your mind. I'm talking about the Magic Wand Micro. I didn't even believe that this was real.

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