Sex With Emily - Hotter, Deeper Sex with John Wineland

Episode Date: August 15, 2017

Attraction; the initial force that drives sex, love, and lust. Rarely does it stick around… without effort that is. On today’s show, Emily is joined by sex and intimacy speaker and coach John Wineland to help you keep the attraction alive in your sex life! Can you tell how much chemistry you have with someone after just one date?  How do you talk about intimacy with your spouse? Is it possible to create “hot attraction” on your own? Emily and John touch upon these intimate issues, plus they talk all about attraction, seduction, the different types of sex, & how to master them all. Tune in and get intimate! Thanks you for supporting our sponsors who help keep our show FREE: FT London, System Jo, Adam & Eve, We-Vibe Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, my guest is John Wyland, a speaker and teacher who helps men and women enhance their sexual intimacy. We also answer your emails, including how to create sexual attraction, how to enhance intimacy in all types of relationships, plus different ways to think about penetration. I actually got a lot out of the show. I really enjoyed interviewing John, and I think you're going to enjoy it too. Thanks for listening. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred

institutions. Betrubized they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Aveline. You got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. Hey, girls, gotta have a stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common all the way? What do you mean, like laundry?

It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here, I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Abelie's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemle.com where you can easily subscribe to the podcast. You can review us on iTunes. You can review us wherever you listen to podcasts because we love that. And we also love when you subscribe, you guys, because it really does help the show. And it helps you. Because then when you get a show and you're listening to it, you know, you have to be subscribed so you can keep your place with the podcast because you know,

we're also busy, we're distracted. And then you go back and you're like, was I at minute 22? Well, if you subscribe, you don't have to worry about going back to zero. Also, you can now find us on iHeartRadio platform, which is great. They're app or their website and on SoundCloud, Google Play, Spotify, wherever you listen to podcasts. It's awesome, right? That's my guest, John Wyland.

Hi John, I just love bringing, just come up, I'm going to bring you now, I'm going to go through some things here, but John's awesome, I'm really excited to have you here today. Thank you. We were talking a little for the show about all the questions we get asked from listeners and I was like a lot of it is like, how do we keep that sexual attraction alive? And what is sexual attraction? Like, if we don't have it at the beginning, can we build that?

And then when you're in a long-term relationship, you know, we never want sex at the same time. How do we really connect? How do we enhance intimacy? And what John brings to the table is, he's a coach. And how would you explain your work exactly? Yeah, it's a different. I tried.

I was like, I'm going to come up with one sentence and I said, I'm just going to ask him. Yeah. I teach sexuality. I teach men and women. So I teach sexuality, spiritual intimacy, is what I call it. And embodiment, like what's it mean to be sort of bring yourself fully into your body and then have sex

versus having sex as a way to kind of get into your body. Yeah. Yeah. What what that does and And then I also work with people teaching meditation and I teach Movement I teach all kinds of things in between but mainly it comes down to How do I deepen my relationship? How do I have a better relationship? How do we have better sex? How do I communicate with her? How do I make her happy?

That happens a lot. Like, men really want to know, like, why can't I make her happy? I love her. She loves me, but she's always pissed. Right. Yeah. I mean, really, I feel like I'm responsible for my own happiness. You want to mean that if someone is happy, I understand what you're saying, though, that

women like, we want our partners to fill all these things for us. But ultimately. Well, that's a tricky one because self-sufficiency is a beautiful thing. But if you're too self-sufficient as a woman, right? So women are well ahead of men and actually passing men in the capacity to earn money in 20 years, women are going to make more money than men across the board. You know that. When a woman is self-sufficient, everyone her life, fantastic, happy, everyone her life

fantastic. And the relationship can only be as good as the states that both people bring to it. So yeah, of course, however, what the masculine craves is to be able to lead someone who wants to trust him, right? Some place that she can't lead herself. So what I see with women a lot is they're super successful.

Most of the women I work with are super successful But they bring that self-sufficiency to the relationship and they don't offer the place where they actually need I'm masculine partner. It could be a feminine partner, right? It could either way, but they they don't allow their self-sufficiency to drop away at the crucial moments of relationship and sex and that actually to drop away at the crucial moments of relationship and sex. And that actually pushes men away. Yes. I'm sure you heard this.

This is not like, this is like, I'm sure I've experienced this. This is like, yeah, this is come. No, I don't think that, no, it's funny, because we're going to jump right into it, because I was actually just going to introduce you and then I was going to say some other things that nobody probably really is as interested in as this.

But I don't know. I was going to talk about that you guys should follow me on social media and all that stuff, but I'm just really into talking to John right now. But for Finestown social video, you can check this out because we are taking some videos of this and Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat and Twitter. It's all at such a family. Oh, we have some awesome blogs. We have some awesome blogs that you're going to love that are doing really well. You guys, if you love the show, we are every day posting material that is going to really help you with all the things you talk about.

Your sex life, your relationship. We have one called Ethically Sexy, porn with a plot. Mm-hmm. Yeah, this is for females of the world who want porn worth watching. I get a lot of emails about this and we've got some great recommendations and this blog's doing really well. And then we have for Miss to Miss is Independent, which is kind of like we're talking about, how do you best both worlds?

Well, it's a little bit like I have a fantastic relationship but don't lose yourself, your independence or identity, which is a little bit different, but how do you have independence and interdependence in the later relationship? So check those all out and yeah, and John, okay. That's it, that's left to say. Okay, I love you all and I'm glad you're here with me

because this is getting good. So I see what you're saying and I was kind of just being, like I'm responsible for my own happiness. I get it, I be with many a man, I love you all, and I'm glad you're here with me, because this is getting good. So I see what you're saying, and I was kind of just being, like, I'm responsible for my own happiness. I get it. I be with many a man who I'm just like, oh, why, when I'm with you, I feel worse after, and not saying that I haven't felt worse,

or guys haven't made me, but I do think that I am probably one of those women, for sure. And I wasn't always, you know, it's like, at this point, I am, I take care of myself. I'm successful. I have really good friends. I'm, God, I have a lot of issues too. But I could see that I could possibly be coming across that way. And then guys are like, well, I don't see where she needs me. And it's not necessarily like, I need you to pay my rent or I need you to.

But in other ways that I could soften. And I always thought of myself as like, but I'm so feminine, I'm so, you know, but there is a certain energy the way I move, the way I talk, the way I, you know, why I would offer to men. So what do you tell these women? Where would you start with me? That's just a therapy session. Do you guys all mind? I need a little help. So, yeah, I'm not, so there's nothing wrong with that. Yeah, it's all great to be, you know, in the stages of relationship we go from this place of, give me what I want, right? Like give me what I want to this place of, let's make it about us, right? Let's make it, I'm sufficient, you're sufficient, we're whole human beings and that's beautiful. But what happens, what gets created in that place where both people are self-sufficient

and they're kind of living their own lives, but they don't work on what we call sexual polarity, meaning the celebration of their opposites, then they become like magnets that rub against each other, right? And if you take a magnet that rubs against another magnet and they were attracted, but they're just constantly, it'll take away the attraction. Exactly. So normally what happens is that the attraction starts to diminish because the masculine partner we're talking about, women specifically, the masculine partner wants to be, okay, so

we'll dive right in. Yeah, that's right, man. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's penetrate. Like, the masculine in me, the masculine in you, like, the masculine wants to penetrate. We want to penetrate the world. We want to penetrate energy, we want to penetrate.

And if there's not an invitation to penetrate some part of you, like not your business, not your, you know, not stuff that you're handling just fine, but the depth of your heart, right? Oh, penetrate my heart. Yeah, penetrate my heart. I mean, you need to get beat open. Yeah. Oh, and like honorable. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah heart. I can't treat it in the heart. Open.

Yeah. Oh, and like vulnerable. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. So annoying. Right, right. That again. So when you're self-sufficient and you're holding that back, then we're like, what the fuck am

I doing here? Right. We actually get nourished by your opening surrender, that kind of thing. Right. Right. No, yeah. And I understand that. And so I think that that is, and then there's some, okay, so that's my particular, I think

that's a typical for a lot of men women to flip around that were, because we're so afraid of getting hurt, because of our childhood. I mean, I know we're all myself coming from, I've had, you know, gazillion years of therapy. I mean, that's when we always talk about unitheopathy, get self-aware, but this is kind of the next level. So, in a way, like, I've done a lot of talk therapy, and I know, like, from my childhood and my parents divorced and that they didn't really support me, and they weren't there for me, and I had to, like, raise myself and all that stuff. We all have things, abandonment.

And so I know that that's where I, for example, have shut down. I've done that work, but the stuff that you're talking about, and I talk about some of this stuff on the show more and more so lately, because I don't know, I guess I think because I've listened to it all over the world and all over the country. Like right now, I think you can't go anywhere really without seeing like a yoga studio in every corner or like, you know, the cover of Time Magazine, like mindfulness and people are getting it like it's you could buy a yoga mat at Walgreens. We understand that like a yoga and breath and mindfulness so people kind of get what that means and it is more part of the culture now And it's not as taboo, but I think for a lot of people they still might not really and I know my audience

I think that people are curious about it But there might be certain walls who will put up to it and they think oh god I'm not in California and I'm you know I that's breath whatever that's all bullshit But it's been around for thousands of years. There's a reason why and so so again, like I've done so much talks there, he went that lately in the last few years, I've been doing more. And I've always been yoga and meditation, but this is like another level of it. What you're talking about is like being embodied. And I can, you know, talk to you all I want about my issues and whatever,

but really when you're teaching people that, like about being embodied. So that's one of your main principles of your work. So I guess that's what I'm going is that I just want to like you guys just become be open like I'm open right now coming to this show right now like an open heart and open mind I'm gonna talk about because I think is I think this work is so helpful for everybody and I'm certainly going through this now and I know a lot of people are and is just life can be really challenging. And I think that most times we're our own worst enemies, and we get in our own ways, and this kind of work can really just help people break through.

Yeah, we're therapy alone. We're therapy will not. Talk therapy is very limited, and I'm not saying that people don't need it as well. They serve purposes, I think. They do serve purposes for people wherever you're at in your life. But this is another level that you

need if you can't come see John, or someone like John, although you can, because he's takes Skype. We're good to have, to reach you after, they could Skype with you. But we're gonna also talk today, I think about some practices that people can take away from this.

So we're not just talking at you, that there's actually some tools that you can take to kind of see how this feels to you. Totally. Just try it on. Yeah. So we'll talk about embodiment in a minute, because I want to go back to the masculine and feminine.

So when I was thinking about this show, I was like, I could talk to you for six hours. So masculine and feminine energy, though, I think that we all sort of understand that we all have a masculine and feminine within us. And sometimes I, for example, we were saying I might lead with the masculine and how do I play with my feminine. Is this something that we could kind of explain, go to a little more, finish this, and then kind of move things out? Yeah, and it's really good to define these terms. Yeah, let's define them. Yeah, you're right, everybody has a masculine and feminine.

But at our core, we have one or the other. So those of those listeners, man or woman, who prefer to be penetrated, prefer to be pinned with somebody that they trust, ravished. Right, so we're talking sexually, pen and an eye. Yeah, so you're sexual, actually. Now we're talking about sexual, not my heart. prefer to be pinned with somebody that they trust, ravished. We're talking sexually, Penn. Now we're back to talk about sexual hurt. It's both.

Right, true. Pennetray me all over. The great masculine gift is that I'm going to ravish your heart through your body. That's the masculine gift to the feminine. But for a feminine being, she prefers to be penetrated. She prefers to be ravished. Well, the masculine being prefers to do the ravishing, right? Prefer someone to surrender to his leadership or his heart or his consciousness.

And so that's how you can tell what your essence is, right? What you prefer sexually. Now, a lot of people these days want to go back and forth, and that's how you can tell what your essence is, right? What you prefer sexually. Now a lot of a lot of people these days want to go back and forth and that's awesome. Right. But if they don't nourish their essence and they don't live in their essence, then there's this sense of dissatisfaction, there's this sense of not feeling like they're really being could be who they are. And they don't attract the opposite. So what I see with a lot of women is that their essence is totally feminine, and they want somebody that they trust to lead them relationally, sexually, that kind of thing. Take me someplace I can't take myself. Right.

Right. That's the value. Yeah. Please. Like, this is what I hear from a woman all the time. Take it. Take me someplace I can't take myself emotionally sexually you know lead me that way right and and but to do that they've got to be a magnet for somebody that wants that and so sexual polarity is the celebration actually of of the essence the masculine essence in a manner of woman but typically it's a man and the feminine essence in a manner of woman, but typically it's a man, and the feminine essence in a manner of woman, but typically it's a woman. And when you have those two extremes magnified, it creates an arc of what we call sexual polarity, like the South Pole and the North Pole. I mean, Yinn and Yon. I mean, this is not new stuff. People have been talking about this for thousands of years.

Exactly. Yeah. That's why this is also... Yeah, I mean, it's... Yeah, it's... it's tried and true. So that's why many long-term relationships, because I know this is a question, because there's why they're always asking, why is there no attraction? Right. Because they're not, they have a lot of resonance,

which is beautiful. Resonance creates intimacy. Intimacy is the, we're the same. Like, I'm human, you're human. I have a heart, you have a heart. I like I'm human you're human. I have a heart you have a heart Mm-hmm. I might be afraid you're afraid But that's not very hot, right? I mean, it's beautiful and it's it's it's one pillar of sexual intimacy But the other pillar has to be let's celebrate the difference like what makes you feminine at your very core

What's the essence of feminine and the essence of feminine from where from how I've studied and how I teach it is the essence of feminine? And the essence of feminine from where, from how I've studied and how I teach, it is the essence of feminine, is I move love through my body, right? And the more I can move love through my body, the more someone with a masculine essence, whose essence is, I'm consciousness, right? I'm, you're listeners, you might, like, might freak out right now,

but I'm gonna go there. I'm gonna go there, yeah, go there, go there. But I am, stick with your listeners, you might, like, might figure it out right now, but I'm gonna go there. I'm gonna go there, go there, go there. But I am, I am at the essence, I am at the essence, that which did never change. Like, I don't change. Like, the masculine and me is the same always. The feminine is changing all the time. So you get this, that's why in workshop, we teach the men to actually be still and the women to move, because you put those two together, and you can see it. It's just like immediate energetics, immediate sexual

polarity, immediate heat, and most couples don't practice it. They're doing the same thing at the same time, again, and again and again, and they don't actually practice sexual polarity, which is like any skill, playing piano, doing yoga, you know, anything, you have to practice it. Yeah, I always say this, it's like sex is a skill. I think we all assume, for some reason,

that sex, we should automatically have all the answers, know how to be really good at sex, whatever that means for you, and it shouldn't be work. And what else in your life? What else in your life? What else in your life? Are you great at? That's really important to you that you didn't have to work at.

And it's a skill. And so it's okay. And that's the other thing that is interesting after 12 years of doing this and reading all of your emails and talking to everyone is that people are truly every single day surprised that it happened. They're like, what? We were, sex was so great Emily the first

Three six months year, and now it's not what I'd like to left first person that it's happened to right because he per like I don't understand and I can't get it back and this is part of the practice is right But this is going to happen. I'm like let's prepare for it. And then here's what we do about it Yeah, well, there's so many reasons why that happens, right? I mean, you know, they've proven now that once you commit to somebody, like once you move in together, decide to get married or have a baby or some kind of commitment, you're destined to relive your childhood programming. Like it's now proven. So we're going to attract people that do the same shit that our family did.

Exactly. We're going to, if we don't attract them, we're gonna take the person who comes and we're gonna actually make them do that. Right, self-fulfilling prophecy. We're gonna make them do that. You know, Amago therapy is a beautiful approach to this and they've explained all this. So we're going to do that.

Amago therapy. Okay, yeah, yeah, I am AGO. Uh-huh, right. And so what to do is, no one, it's not a problem, we all do it, but most of us are unconscious about it. Yeah. And so what to do is, no one, it's not a problem. We all do it, but most of us are unconscious about it. Exactly. So we got to get conscious like, oh, I'm doing this thing.

I'm making her do the thing that absolutely kills me. Or I'm making him do the thing that is going to ultimately make him do what my deepest wound is. And most of us are unaware that we're doing it. Once we're aware we're doing it, then we can make art with it. We can play with it. We can have, we can fuck from there. We can do all kinds of cool things, but if we're unaware, then we're just going to unconsciously recreate it. Okay. So let's talk about you for a second. So you were, you did not come out of the

womb consciously aware. No. I'm assuming. I don't think anybody does. You're a mess. Okay, so let's talk about you being a mess. So how did John Wyneland get into this place of consciousness? Yeah. Yeah, so I had lots of failed relationships, right? A failed marriage. Most of my failures were my lack of capacity to lead, right? And really sex, good sex, good relationship is our capacity to have strong nervous systems. Most people think like, like, your listeners that just happens.

But no, good sex is the capacity for me to be with lots of feminine energy, right? And it's the capacity for you to open and reveal when you don't want to reveal, right? So I like most guys thought like if I was a good husband and a good father and I supported her and whatever her career was, that it would be cool. That was all that was needed, right? But that's just now, nowadays, that's just the ante. You know what I mean? That's just the entry point.

Exactly. Exactly. You know, to attract a really good woman into your life. Exactly. Yeah. So I got into this thing and I realized like, wow, I'm not happy, she's not happy. I don't know how to like, lead her places or take her places and I don't know, I don't want to most of the time.

I'm like, I'm totally disconnected. And so this happened a few relationships in a row, including a marriage. And I came out of it and I was like, fuck something. I don't know how to, I don't know how to do relationship. I'm successful. Right something. I don't know how to do relationship. I'm successful, but I don't know how to do relationship. So I- You were successful in your work, but not in your relationship. Yeah, I was good father, I was good looking guy,

a pillar, a pillar in my community, yeah, I had all the stuff, yeah. And I didn't know how to do relationship. And something clicked and I was like, well, if I don't learn the art of how to do relationship, then I'm gonna continue to repeat this to repeat this over and over again. And so I was inspired and I went and found a couple teachers that I really love. And I just started going there and it was like a revelation, right?

These concepts that we're talking about today, like, what does it mean to be embodied? Like, what does it mean to have sex from that place? What does it mean to create masculine and feminine polarity? What does it mean to ravish your heart? Like what ravish your heart? How the fuck do I do that? How do you do that? Can you do that now on the show?

No, okay. Yeah, sure, sure. I mean, of course, yeah, if you and I stood in front of each other and I looked into your eyes and I felt your heart and I started to breathe with you and I started to feel the part of me that desired you, you would start to feel like I was ravishing you. It can happen. I mean, this is the thing about attraction. It's not a choice.

And if your listeners could get that, that attraction isn't a choice. So on the other side, if you were sitting next to me and you just started to get connected to the place of you that's pleasure, right, that feels pleasure, that loves pleasure. I would have no choice but to start looking at you. I couldn't help it. It would be like physics. I could not help it.

You could feel that energy. I was like, took a moment, breathe. I was like, pleasure and vulnerability. You put those two together and that is irresistible for the masculine. Depth and fierce love are irresistible for the masculine depth and fierce love right are irresistible to the feminine Mm-hmm. And if you practice actually making those things felt through your body Then your partners will be attracted to you. So let's say I start practicing like I'm learning these practices

And I'm my body, but I'm with a partner who it he's just one of these regular guys. He doesn't really know how No matter partner who he's just one of these regular guys. He doesn't really know how. Well matter. He would feel it. He would totally feel it. So it's not even like if someone's listening to like my partner doesn't they could do the work on their own. Maybe they're partner with you. Yeah. You think it's like that. Yeah. It's like that. I've heard about this. It's like that because you evoke. We're always evoking from our partners and the world. The opposite of the energetic that we're putting out. So if you are at the extreme ends of the feminine in your body at any moment, then you're going to evoke the deepest masculine that I have and vice versa.

And so if people just learn to evoke. So what do you have to do? Let's say I was shut down and you were the guy, how would you, you would be standing still and you would be... No, no, no, I mean, I would be down and you were the guy. How would you you would be standing still and you would know? No, no, you know, I mean I would be present Presence I would be present. Yes, and I'd be present and I would start to put my awareness Meaning I would start to put my attention Inside of you in your heart on your breath. I would kind of feel where you're at like how's how's how's your day been like?

Oh, she's in a bad mood or whatever it is. I would do something from that place that would open you, free you, create energy in your body. Like any number of things that I could do, but most men are trained to avoid, avoid the bad moods. You know, avoid when she's in a bad mood, you know, you know, I was one I hear like, she's like a self-cleaning oven, let her clean herself. Yeah, well, they don't have to handle all the

Ending coming out because they have a train their nervous system. Okay, so that's let's talk. Okay. Yeah, so women Yeah, we're gonna have that energy We're gonna have good days bad days and many can have those two But we're saying or in the feminine and you teach them how to kind of Whether that if you well or how to deal with how to take it in and not because women That's what when you said how's your day? I'm like, that's all we want. Like, that's because how our day, right? I mean, many women, I've been in those kind of relationships and I think people can relate

really. He doesn't even ask. He doesn't, you know, and so, I mean, I know it's just not just about that, but there's just certain presence to that and certain care. You want more, though. Of course. You want more. You don't want us to just ask how your day,. You want us to feel how you feel about your day.

And then love that. So I do see a lot of men suffer through that, okay, I'm going to come home and ask for another day as I'm going to be there for like 15 minutes and she's still going. That cannot be avoided if I came into the house and no matter what mood you were in, I kind of pressed my belly into you and I breathed with you and I just gave you a couple seconds of really meticulous attention. And if you were in a bad mood, I would do something.

I mean, I've done all kinds of things and try this at your own, you know, on risk listeners, but I've thrown her over my shoulder and spanked her, I've I've twirled her around. I've said, come sit on my lap with your bad mood, you know, and I kiss her neck until she giggles. And I would do anything, usually the formulas. Those are all work, by the way.

Totally. They always work. Physicality, some kind of physicality, some kind of attention and awareness, right? And often humor. So if men just learn to master those things and they bring it, they can bust through virtually any bad mood. Even the guys who are the most blocked at,

you were like that. But you went to, yeah, I mean, I had some skills, but nothing, nothing close. And I had to practice. Man, I had to go out and throw dates. Like, we would have these workshops where we've got these throw dates. And my teacher would send us out and he'd say, okay, so your job is to make

this woman have a whole body orgasm the entire dinner. So we would have to practice certain things and we'd have to leave. Did she know that you were trying to have this? Yes, yes. And her job was to make me want to give her, you know, and so we would have to go to these hour long dates and we'd actually practice what that looks like and we'd always fail somewhat and we'd always succeed somewhat. Then we come back and we talk about what we did. So this is, you know, like any skill you've got to practice this stuff, you know. Right.

Yeah. I'm talking to John Wynelin by the way, if you're like, who is this fascinating guy? They can find you at johnwyneland.com. Yes. J-o-h-n. Easy to find. Wine. Wine like a drink.

Land like you live on. Yeah. Okay, so let's talk about embodiment. Yeah. Because I've been talking about that on the show a little bit, like through, you know, it comes out, but we talk about being embodied, being in your body. And you, you know, it's a threat of all the work that you do.

So let's talk about it. How do you define it? So let me just consume out for one second. So there's three ways that we could have sex, right? We could have sex physically, meaning, you know, bodies two bodies together, right? Focusing on the outside of your body. You know, there's the clitoris and there's the breast and there's you know I have a penis and there's that whole thing, right? And that's where most of us live, right? In the physical realm. There's also emotional sex. Like, you could feel me feeling your heart.

We talked about penetration, right? So I could, you know, penetrate you emotionally, like, feel what you're feeling really deeply and all the way up and down your body, if I practice. And then the third part of sex is this energetic piece where we're talking where one of us is in our feminine and one of sex is this energetic piece where we're talking, where one of us is in our feminine and one of us is in our masculine, hopefully you and the feminine, me and the masculine.

And we're having sex from that energetic place, right? So it feels literally like the whole body is being, you know, you're inviting me with your whole body and I'm penetrating you with my whole body or it's energetic. So most of us live in that first realm and so this embodiment piece is essential to get into those higher realms. Like in the third realm, that's where we're talking about, you know, our long sex, multiple orgasms, weeping, cervical orgasms, you know, withholding a ejaculation, spiritual sex. Like, you know, where ever it says it was a spiritual experience, that's what we're talking about.

And I think that's what, yeah, that's what a lot of people, I think, when they want more connection, but that's another layer, but I think people would be like, I want that. Yeah, absolutely the fact is, I want that. Like, I want to have my sex to inspire me and make me, you know, feel divine and fill me with love and make me happy to be alive.

So embodiment is the practice of moving from living in our heads, which most of us do, we're thinking, thinking, thinking, we've got our iPhones out, we're literally living energetically in our heads. And moving us down energetically through breath and just breath and awareness. If you breathe into your belly and you place all your awareness into the lower part of your body, you're actually going to be felt in the lower part of your body. So, the practice of literally becoming more aware of our bodies and using breath to be in our bodies.

And then the other piece of embodiment is taking something that is ethereal. Like, let's call it seduction. So it takes seduction, right? Most women would love to know how to seduce a man more. So this is an ethereal concept, but you could actually make that real through your body so that not only you felt like so confident

and in touch with the seductress in you, but I would feel it. So it's almost like your body becomes a transmitter for this ethereal concept, or we could take fierce love, right? And I could get so present and so filled with this thing that you would feel fierce love coming from me. Even if I just came in the dorm and was on my phone, like doing a snap or something. Now it might take longer than 30 seconds for you to feel it, but if I stayed there and I just kept looking at you,

like I fucking love you, you're so beautiful, like and I just was giving you that energy through my body. You'd have no choice. I really, forget to snap. You'd have no choice, yeah, eventually. I'm not gonna send that to you. Right, no. Unless you were really mad really forget about that. You'd have no choice, yeah, eventually. I'm not going to send that shit. Right, no. Unless you were really mad at me about something

that you hadn't worked out, that's a whole different now. Right, okay. So the energetic sex. So you're saying, like, would we, is it the kind of thing, if you're going, yeah, I want that or maybe they don't want that, they're like, I'm just happy I found the clitoris last week. Which is awesome, guys.

We're not saying this is like the only way to have sex. I feel like when I first started learning years ago, people think of tantra, breathing together and delayed ejaculation and all that, but we're not even labeling it that it's more like we would both have to, when we see each other connect before we actually had penetrative sex, we would breathe together and we would, right?

Or does it now, is it just like, with your, it just flipped on for you, when you're with someone, or is it more like you still have to have that intention together and meet at, right? Or does it now, is it just like, with your, it just flipped on for you, when you're with someone, or is it more like you still have to have that intention together and meet at that place? Yeah, well, men are more like blow torches and women are more like crockpots in this realm, right? So, yeah, it takes some, of course it takes time.

In fact, I say women shouldn't even have sex unless they're feeling like the man that they're with, fully, like eye contact, does he feel my heart? Is he with me fully, like hopefully matching breath. So a way to start having energetic sex is to start breathing with somebody, start feeling like, and this is the masculine place. I'd be afraid you'd born again in virgin

if I waited for that. But it sounds like a good thing. Yeah, yeah. And that's like, you could just send me guys that you train to maybe. Yeah And that's like, you could just send me guys that you trained, maybe. Yeah, but you can, you can, and you can slow it down and encourage him to come from that place, right?

You can, you know, a woman could, like, you know, just, or fully, like, just struggling just just, like, no, just, I want to feel you. All right. I want to feel you feeling my heart. I mean, if I was a guy and I wanted to be with you, I would go, okay, like, here, like, and, you know, so women can invite.

They can invite the energy, that's true. I guess what I've experienced and think a lot of people is that it's just this, um, all those layers from childhood, from life, like, people that don't't touch, for example, like you were like, I don't wanna be touched that long or makes me uncomfortable. People don't like massage, I'm like, where's the wound?

I mean, I like what you're saying, invited out, but I guess, I guess, it's not everyone's abusive. If you buy this concept that you're gonna evoke from him, a deeper version of him, by revealing more of what's true. So for example, let's say you're with a guy and he's not feeling you, but you're making out,

but you're just like this guy's not feeling me. And I always encourage women to stop and go, would you like to know what I would need to trust you more? Right, okay. Would you like to know, would you, I mean, and rather than abandon themselves and have sex when they don't feel fully connected. Which so many women, I think they do that. And men, but I think I hear this from women all the time that they're like,

I just kept going because it's already started and I didn't want to stop it and feel rejected. But how great to be that if you're, if you are embodied and you are that self-aware, because you should never continue with anything. There's no contract, you don't have to be there, but to be able to have that self-awareness and stop it and say, you know what I would really need, and then what would I say? Yeah, no, yeah, wait, is it what you would like to do?

Okay, so for, so would you like to know what I would need to trust you more? And any man with his salt is gonna be, yeah, unless he's just so triggered by a powerful woman or anything like that, then he'll be, yeah, sure. So you might say, you know, like I would need you to look into my eyes. Right.

I would need you to kiss me slower. Right. I would need to feel you like really feeling my body or I would need you to, I mean, in most women, don't even know they can ask this shit. Right, it's so good. Yeah, yeah. It will evoke the part of him because men want to make you happy. They do. They really do and we want to make men happy but we just we don't know how.

Yeah, but feel the difference between I would need you to feel my body versus like slow down, or like moving his hand someplace, which is what, you know, which is, it one occurs to the masculine as a heartfelt request. The other occurs as kind of a, sometimes like a, like a, I don't wanna even use this term, but it does occur to men like this, like a castration.

Right. Like I don't trust you to fuck me well, so I'm gonna tell you how to fuck me. Right. Exactly. And, and most guys would not be with a woman like that. I would want to be invited, would want to be, I mean, she can ask anything she needs to ask. Right. But there's that art to do it. Is an art and that's what you, you teach this work, which I think is, is, is

fascinating. What I, if I could give them something, a communication piece, because it's your thing, communication is lubrication, right? So, work, which I think is fascinating. If I could give them something, a communication piece, because it's your thing, communication is lubrication, right? So what I would need to trust you more, right? I mean, who's gonna argue with that? I know, I love it. It's so... If you does, he's an asshole, find somebody else. And do you find that men, though,

are also coming to you and saying, like, what's the big thing that men are coming to you saying about sex, for example? Well, there's two camps. One camp is I want to, I'm with somebody and I don't know, she, like she's in her masculine most of the time. She's leading and so I'm like, I'm the one wanting connection and she's like off making millions of dollars, right? So that happens a lot where there's been a reversal of that polarity we talked about. And so they're coming to me because they're in pain around that. And how do I sort of take the masculine role?

And then the others are like, she wants this, she wants my attention all the time. And I just like, I love her, but shit, like how do I live my life? And she's always angry at me because I'm not giving her enough. Exactly. How do we communicate about this or talk about this or resolve this? And so those are the two things. Yeah, and those are the what, right?

I love that. And I think I felt both those things. You're definitely the latter thing. Probably that we all want more attention and energy. If you'll love, do we want to feel rarish? And guys, I do, I look here by you, but I'm doing this other thing. So you teach them to first get their bodies

connect, breathe together. I love what you said about coming home and hugging and breathing together. Like that would just change everything. You know, that you'd feel more connected. So I'm so glad you're here because you're gonna help me answer some emails in a minute, which is gonna be very useful.

But tell me about your upcoming workshop and how we look and find you and work with you. Yeah, thank you. Thank you for giving me that. I'm teaching in London next September 16th and 17th, and Angel, and that is, I'm teaching with a woman I teach with named Kendra Koonoff, who's fantastic. And then I'm also doing a five day retreat in Hawaii

in September. And those are these retreats where you kind of dive deep and we get you into this space is that we're talking about. Work through any blocks you have, all that. So those are two workshops. And then I have long-term programs, like a year-long program for men. And I'm doing a seven-month program for women starting in November. Okay.

And people can take it from wherever or they have to be in California. Yeah, I know. Well, the workshops, you're going to be there. But yeah, people can take it from wherever, or they have to be in California. Yeah, no, no, no. Well, the workshop is going to be there. But yeah, you can take these programs from wherever the guys I work with are all around the world. Amazing. The women as well. And then we come together for workshops two weekends together.

Okay. And then the rest of it, we kind of, I give them a program to work and practice us to do in ways to take this home or take it to the next man or take it to their next date or exactly. No, that's amazing. I know you've you've you've helped a lot of couples, a lot of men and women change their lives. Understand it. I don't have actually had the better sex they were always talking about. Okay, so you can and you can find out at johnwineland.com which also be on our site and all that. Okay, so we're gonna take a quick break if we shout out to our sponsors. Thank you everybody for supporting our sponsors. I never talk about a product or a service that I've not used

and that I don't love, so thank you for supporting them. Help keeping the show free and we'll be back to answer emails. Okay, let's get into emails because actually a lot of these topics are going to be touched on in some of these emails. So everybody, thank you for emailing me. I love hearing from you.

Okay, guys, if you have a question you want me to answer on the show, I love that. We made it really easy for you guys to ask me a question. You can do a few things. You can text me your question. All you do is text Ask Emily one word to 7979. So you just text Ask Emily one word and then what happens is you get this, I'm to explain it because I think it was confusing, you'll get a link automatically and that'll be the same link that you get if you went to the website and you get to fill up your question there and

send along. You can also go to the website, sexwithemily.com, click on the Ask Emily tab, and as always, I love it when you include your gender, your age where you live, and how you listen to the show. Ready? Hi, Emily. I'm a long-time listener, and I love your show. Thanks for helping educate everyone

on sexual health issues. I'm currently divorcing my wife of 20 years. Our sex life was part of the problem leading to our divorce. Her libido was nonex existence, especially after kids. I had an affair about six months before the divorce started. I was sure I'd have a future with the other woman, but it hasn't worked out that way. She really gave me something I was missing for so long, making me feel incredibly desired and attractive.

Since it didn't work out with her, I've been trying to move on. I met another woman who, on paper, is everything I could want. She's funny, attractive, has her life together. She seems to enjoy spending time with me. The problem is, I don't have that burning draw to her that I did with the affair. How realistic is it to expect that hot attraction in a relationship, the sex with a new woman is good,

it's more of a feeling that's missing, something that's hard to explain. I'm starting to wonder if that feeling I had with the affair was mostly because the affair was forbidden, which adds to the heat. I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts. Key up the awesome work, James, 43 Ohio. So James, yeah, thank you for your question here. So I'm just smiling because I mean, this is so many things that we hear about and so

many of the questions, I think it's really confusing to you because you're with your wife, you had an affair and now you're with somebody else and you're just feeling like what about this like good on paper thing? How important is attraction? How do I get back to that same energy I had with the woman you're in your head trying to figure all of this out? And my first thought when reading this is like I think that maybe she takes some time without a relationship right now.

I'm like, dude, like you are going from one to the next, the next, and 20 years with your wife. I think that there's some unpacking to do and figure out what did you learn from that experience? What do you really want now? You're James, you're at a different place in your life now than you were 20 years ago. And just trying to date, kind of fill that void right now.

You're so used to having a woman with you. I think that you need to do some work on yourself and then figuring out, you know, right? Would you say, John? Like, I see John and Hawaii or something. Smiling and smiling and not because men need to and they very rarely do take time without any dating, any sex just completely get connected to themselves, find out who they are, find out what the issues were because if we're always chasing a woman or doing that, then we're never really looking at ourselves. So I took almost a year with no dating, no sex, no flirting, literally like, I'm just

going to like, I'm going to break my leaves and I'm going to meditate and I'm just going to be with myself and kind of find out What's going on? Why are my relationships always? Kind of faded away this way and so I agree with you completely take the time off man take six months Really let it go and from that place see this is what we're talking about from that place of the masculine grows in solitude This is what we're talking about from that place of the masculine grows in solitude. And so he'll actually develop a stronger masculine himself, which will attract someone who is more, who's probably more energetically inspiring to him. But if he's coming from this place, I'm just jumping from one relationship to the other,

he's bringing this kind of muddled, energetic and most really good women. It'll feel like I can't trust this guy. He's not even kind of muddled energetic and most really good women It'll feel like I can't trust this guy. He's not even really leading himself Yeah, so he'd have to do some work that not to be alone sitting home like watching TV drinking beer Now that that's anything wrong with that sometimes, but I'm saying like he'd have to really do some of this Thinking about what he wants. Yeah. What do I need to do before I die? Right, what's the kind of relationship that I really want to create? Why haven't I been able to create it? And most guys that I lead through this process

and I lead quite a few, the shit comes up. You don't have to wait too long, like a month or two by yourself and all of a sudden, like grief and sadness and fear and all of this shadow stuff that's been there for years. True. We'll start to come up and you really need to clear that out because if not, what do you bring into the relationship? Just this unprocessed stuff that's been with you. Exactly, and we all have that stuff, so that's why I'm

saying everybody needs to do this. I mean, I don't love saying everybody needs to do something, it makes me feel like, okay, like this, you know, dictator. However, I do believe that we all have work to do and that we don't give it time to breathe and to be alone. And I've had to go through this. I was always in a relationship going from one man to the next. I felt like I was like a monkey swinging from the vines. Like I break up with this one and there was another one. Another one, and I was like, I just want to be without a man.

And I finally did, like it took me forever, but it was like the most useful talk for a lot in the show, but it's good. It's good times to do it. So I'm not even gonna, yeah, well like the most useful talk about a lot on the show, but it's good. It's good. So on that, I'm gonna, yeah, well, there's more questions about attraction that we'll get into,

because James, we're not even gonna help you with these women. I think you just need some time alone right now, James. Okay, hi, Emily and crew. Your team is so awesome and helpful. I've been listening to this show for about six months now, and it's really helped me get more in touch with my sexuality. I'm so thankful.

Now that it's been six months, it's my last relationship. I'm getting back into the dating game. I've recently gone on a few first dates with two different guys via dating apps. I'm curious about attraction and first dates. Specifically, those dates that come about from a dating app. I found this recent guy physically attractive in some ways and in other ways not so much. I enjoyed our conversation and I felt as though our personalities clicked. I'm not sure if I feel enough sexual chemistry or attraction. Can you tell just from one date how much sexual chemistry we could have it? Is it worth it to go on a second date if

I'm unsure? Any help and advice is greatly appreciated thanks to million Jackie 23 Fresno, California. I love this question because I'm thinking about like first of all I think about this a lot. I get a lot of questions about this for men and women. And I think if I don't feel on the first date, if the first kiss wasn't there, it was really bad. Like, should I just end it? Like, we had a great talk and a great connection. And I said, no, like, you have to give it another try.

I believe unless it was like horrible. And then we said something that was just against something that you just, there's too many red flags. But if it's just that you didn't necessarily have the chemistry, but you found that there was something, I think that we go into dates, we have so much fear. We're not, most people are not embodied and we really know what they're looking for, or nervous. We might have to be tapped into our sexual energy at that moment, even if we're trying to be retracted to you.

There's a lot that could go wrong. So I feel like she should. If you're unsure, and it's not like it's definitive, no, that people should give another chance. That's my take on it. Sometimes the relationships where you have all that crazy chemistry the first date, you can talk about that,

that could be a whole other show, but they're not necessarily the right partners for us, per se. But what would you say about this? Like, can you tell from one date how much sexual chemistry, the potential? No, I would agree with you. It's dependent on all those things.

I would have her get clear on what she really wants. Like, what do you want this man, whoever he is, whether it's this guy or not? And then she could practice. Like, I tell women, use dating as practice for really coming from a place of your deepest femininity. If you, what you want from a man is someone who leads you, someone who can take you someplace, you can't take yourself. What does practicing that on a date

look like? And then if you, what does it look like? You probably teach him, right? You would be learning the center. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, so we teach it. It would be, well, if you want him to lead, if you want him to lead, then don't tell him how to drive, right? So a real easy example is if you want somebody who's, if you want to lead, don't tell him how to drive, right? So a real easy example is if you want somebody who's you don't tell him how to drive. I don't tell him where the directions don't like literally like don't get the check, don't like literally do not literally sit on your hand. Don't even do the reach. Don't even do the reach. Really? I always do the reach.

No, not if you want him to lead. If you don't, if you want like an equal partnership, then that's a different thing. But what are you wanting from a man? Like what's most important for a partner? And if they're clear on that, and then they just practice finding ways to be the opposite of that, then... For an example of that. So how could be the opposite of that? Okay.

So what happens a lot in dating is that women are so capable, right, that they actually step in and lead a date. Yeah, so practice is waiting. Like, I don't know, I trust you. Like, I trust you. Where would you like, you know, it's up to you. I'm here with you, like, I trust you.

And, because men actually have been taught, and this is one of those byproducts of post-feminist life, right? That we should, like, you know, check, which is great, and it's very polite, but when you're talking about sexual polarity, that stuff should go out the window. And this is controversial in a lot of ways, but fuck it, you know what I mean? Let's do it. So, you know, why not let him lead? And you can just wait. I'm sure you'll pick a great place. But what do you feel like? She never knows and then we'll get there and she won't like anything like guys who are like they never always say no. No, no, no, men are dying, men are dying to like go, okay, great, let me show you this

my favorite place. Okay. Right? And then you're on the way there and you know, don't waste for him. Don't wait. Yeah, do not waste for him. Absolutely. Do not waste. Don't say this way is quicker. And literally, and literally let him lead because if you do that, then you'll actually see is there spark? Is there polarity? Because he'll, you'll evoke more masculine from him. You'll be sort of like, you know, in a certain way, surrendered a little bit to his leadership,

because you're just making the choice to do that. And if there's no sexual energy there, then maybe you know, like maybe, or he doesn't, like let's say you really, you're a woman, this woman here, and she goes and she really tries to just let him lead the whole experience. And she gives him, you know,

she gives him kind of moment to moment feedback. Like let's say he does something really cool like he pulls out her chair. So rather than just kind of like not saying anything, there's like a, like a smile or a giggle or something that tells him, I like this. Yeah, you gotta let him know that the thing is, right?

Otherwise, it's like, guys are dense, guys are dense. Yeah, they are, right? We need to know that. Well, thanks for doing that. Guys are dense, guys are dense. Yeah, they are. We need to know. We need to know. Wow, thanks for doing that. I'm big on the reinforcement. I'm like, I really appreciate me to that. So great when you kiss my neck. Totally.

Absolutely. Six years ago, can you do it again? And then we want to do more of it. And if you literally do that, and the guy is not responding, well, then you have some pretty good information. I would even give that a couple of dates if it's a good date. Give it a couple of dates, it's true, so that's interesting. So, Jackie, I feel like, give it another chance, but then also figure out what you want.

And I want to go, for a second, I want to go back to what you said. Why about what you want? I feel like, and I'm realizing this lately, just with, I don't know, I guess I've known this for a while, but it keeps coming up that literally everything in life that we want to do, whether it, you know, work, health, personal is about figuring out what you want. And you think that would be such an easy task, but it's really, really hard. You think, well, it's what I want. Like, no one else can tell me. But even with dating, I'm like, figure out what you want.

I think people don't even know where to start, because they think that they know what they want. And it might not be. So I think it's less complicated than that, especially for women, right? There's not a woman that I talk to, and I talk to hundreds of them, that don't want presence. I think not like from Tiffany's wrapped up the book,

but like, your presence at 10. Yeah, your presence, your capacity to be in the here and now and feel, right? There's not a woman alive that doesn't want to be felt deeply, there's not a woman alive that doesn't want to be felt deeply There's not a woman alive that doesn't want to be you know held in held in presence It's the new currency. It's more valuable the ability to lead and be present with a woman is more valuable than being able to make money and take care of her or keep her safe Mm-hmm 100 years ago was different. It's so true. Now, depth, presence, integrity, all of these sort of noble, masculine traits are really

truly valuable in relationship. They really are. Most women just, most women when I actually question them, like, oh, I want to go as my best friend and go do good. And like, didn't you really, like, couldn't you have a woman that's your best friend? But then this guy's like, fully present with you and fucks you to God. And like, you know what I mean?

Like, wouldn't you rather have that from your lifetime partner? Yes, I never thought the best friend thing made sense, but I was like, no, I have enough friends. Like, you don't need to be a best friend, no. But I get, okay, let's talk about fucking. When Harry Metzali, you know, that kind of thing. Yeah, like, I've tried, I, ugh, no, I don't be a best friend.

We don't need to know everything talk about Uh, fucking me to God because I've seen you at your quotes fucking oh person to God a woman to God You've talked about that. I was doing you know reading some of your blog or some posts. What exactly does that mean? Well, I know if I were to be fucked to God, so yeah, yeah Yeah, there yeah, there would be it would be something you'd want to happen again. Let me get it again um I actually my teacher a guy named David data actually coined that term right Yeah, there would be something you'd want to happen again. Let me get it again. I actually, my teacher, a guy named David Data, actually coined that term. What it means is it means having the kind of sex

that leaves a woman feeling like she was opened by God, like in touch with the divine. And without getting too woo here, because we are in L.A. But being penetrated so deeply that she's a puddle. She's yeah. I think I've had that. Yeah. Yeah. Most people have those experiences. Not enough. Right. Okay. I love it. It's great. All right. Very helpful. We have another email. Hi, Emily. I'm a recent listener during my work commute. I love all the great information.

You're very inspiring. Here's a little background. My wife is two years younger than me. We've been married for almost five years and she's the only woman I've ever slept with. We have a three year old girl and my wife is currently six months pregnant. With our son, we abstained from sex until we were married

at the beginning of our marriage. The sex was pretty good and fairly often. Within a short time though, the frequency really went down. On average, we have sex once every two to three months. Last time though, the frequency really went down. On average, we have sex once every two to three months. Last time we had sex, I went down on her for several minutes and she went nuts. It was so hot.

I find myself horny a lot because I find her extremely attractive plus she's my wife, but I have to resort to masturbating almost daily so that I won't bother her with sex requests. How would I talk to her about our intimacy? Any time I bring it up, she either gets defensive and shuts down, or she just gets really apologetic and blamed herself and feels bad. Right now, she's blaming her lack of desire on the pregnancy, but when she's not pregnant,

it's no different. I'm trying to read more about sexual health and marriage, and I love listening to your podcasts. I want to tell her about everything I'm learning, how good it can be for us. I often feel disin' from her, like we don't have a connection anymore. I feel like we're just roommates. I'm really open to how I can't tell you about everything I'm learning, how good it can be for us. I often feel disin from her, like we don't have a connection anymore. I feel like we're just roommates.

I'm really open to how I can move forward with the situation. Please share your thoughts with me. Thank you, Nick, 26 Idaho. I know it's just, oh, Nick, yeah, Nick, I love this email and thank you for emailing me and for listening. And I think you guys should listen to the podcast together. I found like a lot of couples have, it's really helped them because of them, it can be hard just to on your together. I found like a lot of couples have, it's really helped them because it can be hard just

to on your own. Be like, babe, I heard this thing and she's like, I'm pregnant. I don't want sex. Okay, so Nick, I hear what you're saying here. It's been busy. You guys got married. Now you have another kid on the way and you guys just probably doesn't sound like you were really connecting initially.

I mean, you're having sex at the beginning. Like most couples do, which is why they don't think it's work. And you were having great sex and now you're voiced from pregnant for a long time. By last few years, it sounds like, and how do you talk about the intimacy? I think that I hear this from men who have been to both sides with their, like, killing and understanding what intimacy means or connection. And then this lack of desire, Ms. Match Labitos, and what do they do about it? And I think right now, you know, she's pregnant.

I think you do have to probably tread lightly, and wouldn't want to like spring a whole bunch of new terminology, new information on her, but I do think you can start having conversations in a way that will resonate with her. And I feel like it comes out into communication and the language, maybe the perhaps that you're using because you're saying that she's getting defensive and shuts down, which I think is really, really common, especially when she wants to have sex with you. She wants to feel connected to you, Nick, and she wants that intimacy, but I feel like it's gotten so tangled.

And this is what happens. I think you kind of have to, couples have to kind of untangle all these other things that to even get to the sex place, because who knows, she can be resentful about the kid or what happened with the baby, and he wasn't helping. I don't even know what happened,

but there's so many layers that have piled on on top of them that they can't even get to the sex and have that conversation. So it's the way you ask. So don't you hear couples oftentimes, John, they're like, why are we having sex more? We just want to shut down, so it's the way that you bring it up.

So what would you advise here? Like a different way? Yeah, I have a different take on this. And I think almost always when I see a couple like this, and this happens a lot, it's because there's withholds and resentments that aren't being shared. Yeah.

And so when a woman is losing sexual attraction for a man, it's because she doesn't trust him to hold her truth and her feelings. So as a man, I would say something like, I would set up a container, a conversation where look at me, I can tell that since we're not being intimate, no, it's not your fault, I know the I know it's not your fault and I know you don't want me to feel bad is a great way to take the blame off of her completely.

But I know there must be something that you're withholding. So I just want you to take five minutes and you're just going to tell me everything that you haven't told me or that you need to tell me places where you're upset with me or places where you have judgments about me or places where you feel like I'm not showing up or things that I'm doing that are bothering you. And I'm just going to listen and let you know. And if a man can actually do that and a woman can bring all of that truth and he can not collapse And he can actually say, well, maybe that makes sense. Thank you for sharing that with me. Like so glad you got off your chest Yeah, get defensive and that's a sexy man. That's a sexy man

And that's sexy man and and so women often their libidos are often connected to resentments and withholds and if they don't feel like they can share them with their man because he's to upset then That will cause the libido to take a plummet. I've seen this again and again So yeah, I was feeling like they this is what happens It's the resentment that was the that they they build it up build it up and then there's no way to get there So he has to also though be in the place where Nick is able to do that like that such a heart heart. It sounds so easy when we're saying it, but for him to be like, oh, wow, that and his brain you have to be thinking, we've already talked about this.

It wasn't my fun. And you have to just be that still man. Yeah, because if she's feeling it, it's true for her. Whether or not, I mean, most, you can't argue with these feelings. We can't argue with her, especially a feminine being, right? And the other thing that's happening with them is, the feminine in me, the feminine in you, feminine in anybody, it's the part of us that wants love.

So if I'm in my feminine, I'm wanting to connect with you. And I do this with my girlfriend all the time. I'm like, hey, baby. That's my feminine, let's connect. The part of me that wants to not be burdened and be free is my masculine. Right. So they reversed it. He's now wanting to connect. Like, why are we connecting? Why aren't we having more love? And she's like, don't bother me. I'm pregnant. You know, and it's a reverse of polarity. So the way to get that back, Nick, is to take responsibility for where the relationship is 100%.

to take responsibility for where the relationship is 100%. Like, baby, I must not have made it safe for you to share what's going on with you. I must not, I blamed you. I must have been blaming you for our sex life. It's totally not your fault, of course. But I want us to create a culture where you can bring anything to me. You can tell me anything and I'll just listen

and love you for it. Okay, so Nick's in Idaho and he's holding the space for her and he's saying all this stuff and then what and they's like, okay That's good babe. I got it I'm gonna be better on all those 18 million things that Europe's that with me about content doesn't matter The content really doesn't matter what matters is that she was able to say that she was able to express it Yeah, and it's the way he's talking. It's the way he's saying and he's just listening Well, you know, I love a mago dialogue that she was able to express it. And it's the way he's talking, it's the way he's saying, and he's just listening. Well, I love a Mago dialogue.

I teach this and you can find it, if you email me or whatever I can send it to him. But the Mago dialogue is a great container where she brings it and at the end of it, he just says, you know what, baby, that makes sense. And then he will empathize with her. Like, I can imagine that when I do this, like this makes you feel crazier.

I can imagine when I'm on the couch and I don't, you know, clean up after myself, you want to kill me. And I can imagine that this and I can imagine that. And he literally puts her feeling as a head of his. And the capacity to do that is a really important container. And that's the thing, one of the things that I think men need to learn how to lead. Men need to learn how to fair it out these withholds and these resentments and these judgments, because I don't know a woman on the planet that does not have a men to, but the feminine's

really keen that way. It's true. I told it true. And she might not even know, like really, like there's so many of them, but if he lets her kind of just go, I think this is pretty advice. I love all these communities, it's communities, all those communication tools as well. Like you say it's a mago and I've learned it in other therapy, but just yeah, like honorable feelings

and let them have their feelings and learning how to communicate. That's another skill we are not taught. We are not taught how to do this. It's not easy. Well, and she wants to know that she can bring it all. A woman wants to know she can bring all of her to a man and he's not gonna collapse.

He's not gonna, you know, attack her. He's not going to become a little boy, he's going to hold it. And in the end, he could say, all right, baby, thank you. I mean, you know that contempt is the number one killer of relationships. Yes, got me. Well, the... Yeah, the antidote to contempt is empathy. So if I'm practicing this muscle, we talked about building muscle.

If I train my nervous system to hear what's going on with you without being overly reactive and I actually train my nervous system to feel you more than I'm feeling myself, I'm building the skills to be able to have the, you remember talking about emotional sex? That's emotional sex. Right, it is. That's the emotional sex, yeah. Alright, I think that's a lot of women. You get the emotional sex down,

the other sex will happen. I've seen it turn around, I've seen this practice alone, turn around tons of relationships where they weren't having sex at all, and then, you know, I'll get emails like, my God. I'm sure I haven't done anything else. We haven't done anything else. She's that practice.

Just that practice, that's amazing. I love it. And people can fight, so John, your amazing, this was such a wonderful show you have to come back on again. And I think that this can be, this can be really inspiring for a lot of our listeners. So they can find you at John Wyland, a J-O-H-N-W-I-N-E-L-A-N-D.com and check out your workshop that's all on your site as well. What's up coming? Yeah, I have videos on YouTube channel. I know.

There's so much great stuff out there. So anything else? I'm just thinking. No, no, this is fun. I could learn that kind of stuff all day. It's amazing. Okay, well thank you for being here. I appreciate it. Thank you to all my listeners. This was an awesome show and I love hearing from you all. Thank you for emailing and being in touch and checking me out on social media. And thank you to my amazing team, Ken, Jamie, our interns Shannon and Miley, producer, Lark and Michael. Thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithamily.com.