Sex With Emily - Hotter (Solo) Sex

Episode Date: January 26, 2022

When you hear the phrase “self-care,” what comes to mind? Bubble baths? Booking a massage? Those things are all lovely (I’d argue essential), but I’ve got one more thing to add to your self-care routine, and I’m going to make a case for it: solo sex, AKA masturbation. If you’re a regular listener to this show, you know how much of a solo sex advocate I am. But we’re going to go a little deeper into this topic, because there’s still a lot of shame associated with masturbation: fear of getting caught, embarrassment about our noises and facial expressions, confusion around toys and which ones are best. That’s why today’s show is your Solo Sex 101, where we create a solo sex routine that works for you, get into all the ways solo sex nourishes your mental health, and how to get into the right headspace for it. Plus, I take your questions! When masturbation feels depressing, how do you learn to love it? Or when you’re asked to masturbate in front of your partner, but feel self-conscious about it, what do you do? I tackle these questions and so many more, on our solo sextravaganza. Show Notes:Dr Emily’s Shop PageDame Fin Je Joue MimiMore on Information on EMDR Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Master Nations actually good for us. There's a lot of benefits to masturbation. Loans are stress level or cortisol levels. It allows us to feel more comfortable with our bodies. We can release stress in a healthy way. We can help with depression. We give us a glow. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Alright, when you hear the phrase self-care, what comes to mind? Bubble baths? Booking a massage? Those things are all lovely and I'd argue essential, but I've got one more thing to add to your self-care routine and I'm going to make a case for it. Solo sex, aka masturbation. If you're a regular listener to this show, you know how much of a solo sex advocate I am. But we're going to go a little bit deeper into this topic because there's still just so much shame associated with masturbation. Fear of getting caught, embarrassment about our noises, and facial

expressions, confusion around toys, which ones are best. That's why today's show is your Solo Sex 101. We create a Solo Sex routine that works for you. Get into all of the way Solo Sex nourishes your mental health and how to get into the right headspace for it. Plus, I take your questions. When masturbation feels depressing, how do you learn to love it? Or when you're asked to masturbate in front of your partner, but feel self-conscious about it, what do you do? I tackle these questions and so many more on our solo sex drive-again. So, all right, intentions with Emily, for each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show.

I do it and I encourage you all to do the same. What do I mean? When you're listing, what do you want to get out of listing this episode? How could it help you? Well, my intention, my intention, is to help you develop a more intimate, deeper connection with your solo sex practice and give you some helpful vocabulary for when you're talking about solo sex with a partner. Please rate and review

sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, 10 Sex Resolutions you'll actually want to keep is up at sexwithemily.com and check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, I love that. Just call my hotline 559 Talk Sex, or 559 825 5739. Just leave me your questions there or message me. Sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. We've got a ton of sex questions today about Tolo Sex, aka masturbation, and I'm excited to get into all of these. But before we dive in, I want to give you three top level tips to keep in mind, so that you too can create a solo sex routine that you love. First, normalize solo sex.

Here's what I mean by that. You know how growing up when we first started to hear out masturbation? It frequently had an air of shame or embarrassment about it. And if we saw it in a TV show or movie, it was super cringey. Usually for penis owners, with love owners, we simply did not see examples. I didn't even know that love owners can masturbate until someone brought up to be in college. I was like, really? We can? All I've ever seen are penises, masturbating, all over the place.

Yes, it's an equal opportunity for everyone, I promise. So listen, if you're interested in making your solo sex better, I want you to see out examples of people doing it in an intentional, fulfilling way. Search for it on ethical porn sites. Follow sex positive accounts. Follow us on Instagram. Are you not following us on Instagram? It sucks with Emily. What shows like sex education, which show people of all ages in every gender utilizing solo sex for self-care? That's going to do a lot to help heal any of that

lingering shame which most of us have and help remove any mental blocks. Second, and this is important, find your why, like why do you want good solo sex? Well, let me give you a few reasons. It helps you sleep better, it reduces stress, it increases your immunity, it tones your pelvic floor muscles, that's for every gender, hello, we all pelvic floor muscles. It leads to stronger orgasms. Oh, and it helps you figure out the pressure and the type of touch you like. So you can explain to someone

during partner sex. And the next time someone asks you, does that feel good or what do you want? You actually have an answer. For years, I didn't have that answer. I had partners say to me, does that feel good? And I'm like, yeah, like what else do you want? I'd say everything that you're doing feels great. And it wasn't because it necessarily did. I just didn't have the answer. I didn't know what to say. I didn't even know that it was okay to say it.

I thought it was a trick question because I did not know about masturbation and exploration. Okay, finally, start thinking about a solo sex routine. To get into the right headspace for it, you might not be able to just fall into bed and go for it, but you can't seduce yourself. Try a warm bath, candles, music. You can on ramp your rouse with porn or self-massage

or how about your environment. Do you need to find a time when you can be alone to let loose with your voice and your body like when your kids are away or your roommates aren't home. These are the kind of things I want you to consider just like you would a workout routine. It's all about setting yourself up for success so you can make your solo sex as pleasurable and as powerful as possible. Okay, now let's get into your emails. [♪ music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background Emily. First of all, thank you for being so dedicated to this career of yours. I love hearing the passion and life inside your voice. I'm writing to you about something I just can't wrap my hat around.

My boyfriend's 31 and I 25. We've been together for five amazing, adventurous years full of sex. Like literally we are masters now of anal, role play, kinks, et cetera. Okay, so main event. I go to the bathroom, I brush my teeth, and then I come back to have our nightly sex.

I jump on the bed naked, then I see his phone full of sex scenes from porn, we've been masturbating, et cetera. I ask what this is all about, does he need it for his erection? Then he spurts something out like, I do it every time you're in the bathroom, so I'm rock hard. Obviously, I felt a little taken aback. Did he used to watch porn before intercourse or otherwise?

What? I don't know. Would he or wouldn't he be turned on by just me? I believe in masturbation and porn. All healthy habits. The only thing that concerns me is the way he uses it in an instant, almost like a viagrapal just before sex. Am I not turning them on enough? I try to talk to him about it, but he's not answering, not participating in conversation. When I go up to him and ask, he's just putting his palms around his ears so he acts as if he doesn't hear where I say, do you really advice perhaps? Thank you so, so much, Dr. Emily. Thank you so much for your question, Anna,

and I feel like I'm there with you. I literally felt like I am in the bathroom and I am brushing my teeth, and I came out, and my partner is watching porn. I'm like, what? And then he tried to talk to me, he's like, la, la, la, la, I can't hear you. Oh, it's also painful.

But let's unpack this and let's change the scenario. First, what's happening here is that your boyfriend has built a habit. Not on purpose, but over time he's realized that when I look at porn, I don't have to worry about failing as a man and not having an erection, which will suck. So my back up here, like having a spare tire in your car or having extra cash on hand,

he's going to always have porn on the ready so he doesn't have to show up with a less than rock hard penis. And that's fearful. You know when men's penises have not functioning the way they wanted to, they feel emasculated. They feel like they can't quite function in the same way. It just kills their ego. And that's just not fun for men.

So they really will try to do whatever they can to avoid it. So what he has done is he's attacked very, very deeply to a habit that, fine you guys, habits are hard to break. We know that. There's so much media and and and coaching and information around breaking habits. So this is one that you're going to have to ring from his fingers. You have to ring from his tight grip, but we can do this. We can totally do this. I want you to make this a little bit fun, okay?

And this is something that you've got to take outside the bedroom. This is like a conversation you're gonna have Anna when you're on a date, you're hanging out, maybe you're going for a walk, and you just say, you know what babe? Let's talk about our sex life. And you can even start with my favorite,

the compliment sandwich. How the compliment sandwich works is you start with saying that you love about your sex. I've turned you on. You could say I love that we are having sex so frequently. And it's incredible sex. I'm so turned on. And here's all the things I like.

You name one thing specifically. Love the way you go down to me. Love the way it feels when you first go inside of me that that feeling of your penis feels amazing. And then here's the middle part, okay? And when I come out of the bathroom every night and you're watching porn, I understand I have no issues with porn, but it really makes me feel like, perhaps I'm not turning you on. And I know that's not true, and I know I turn you on. You know, I hear what you're saying, but I don't need you to be back hard. And in fact,

what would really turn me on is to watch you get hard. It's to be there in the process, to be part of that turn on because then we can turn each other on. Would you be down for maybe waiting until I'm out of the bathroom and so we could kind of begin it together? Maybe I could address you and you and dress me. Maybe we could start to, to you know even watch porn together Find something that turns both of you on like you can even tell my I have no problem with porn But I would like to be something that we engage in because it feels when I'm here

You say it feels very separate feels like he's having a separate experience that is not related to you And so I hope what this has made you realize here Anna is the mentality around a lot of men Is it like I got to be hard and I got to guarantee it and I got to make sure I'm always gonna have this direction And so I hope what this has made you realize here, Anna, is the mentality around a lot of men. Is it like, I got to be hard and I got to guarantee it and I got to make sure I'm always going to have this erection. But if you let him know that you wanted it to be part of it and you want to be part of the turn on, you want this department experience that you share together without shaming or telling it's wrong.

But remember, when you try to talk to him about it, he thinks that you're going to shame him and you're going to say, stop watching porn or why are you watching porn or it makes me feel bad. And he doesn't want to hear that, especially when he already has a direction. This is why we take these conversations outside the bedroom. You do not want to have any conversations when you're a row. It's because remember, when you are a roused and turned on, you're in a completely different state.

Your mind isn't even in a place where it can remember constructive feedback. So that's why it has to happen outside of the bedroom. When I think if he hears it in this way, but you're gently and truthfully and authentically saying, I want to know that it's not, you need something else to get turned on. So let's together figure this out. Would you be into that? And then you get to listen because I don't think that any partner wants to make you feel about it.

And if you come from a place of, it makes me feel less than. It makes you feel like I don't turn you on. I mean, how can someone argue with your feelings? Loving, generous, beautiful partners do not. They hear that you're feeling something and they want to rectify the situation so you can feel better, not worse. And have some fun with this. And then the end of that sandwich is because I really think that our sex life could go to the next level and we can continue to be a rouse and turn on for years to come if we

get to start to connect more and feel more deeply connected before, during and after sex. So you start off with what you love, you give the criticism or you give the constructive feedback and then you end with why you want that thing to happen and how it's going to change the trajectory of your sex life. And I just want to say that remember this, that the sex conversations that we have with our partners, they're not a one time conversation. I mean, have you ever changed your behavior because someone asked you to do something once? Have you ever said, oh, yeah, I'm great. I'll stop. I'll stop masturbating a porn or yeah, I'll stop

Smoking cigarettes. I'll stop eating before bed. I'll stop biting my nails because you asked me to stop. No It takes repeated ongoing Conversations and commitment. I want you to realize that he might be taking it back. He might say, oh, you just never liked my porn watching. You know that I'm feeling that you're so hot, you know? And he might deflect. He might get angry. He might fight all these ways to avoid it.

But we have to give him a little bit leeway here. And then you bring it up again. You don't let it go because I can't tell you all the people that have emailed me. He said, yeah, I told my partner that I wanted him to initiate sex more. I'm like, really? When? Oh, it was like three years ago.

I told him once we were out drinking that I really need to initiate sex more. And do it. Well, of course he didn't. He probably doesn't remember. Be. He probably doesn't know what it looks like to initiate. There's a reason why he's not initiating and no one's ever going to change from one time conversation. And make this more like inquisitive, make this a great time to start to communicate and ask him more of what he wants. Get curious

about his own turn on's. Maybe you'll learn a lot more about each other. Maybe this is something that he will share with you that he has a fear around not being hard enough. He'll share with you maybe a girlfriend in the past who shaved him because he wasn't hard enough. I mean, there's a million reasons why we hold on to behaviors that are unhealthy. There's a million reasons why we do things at NUMMAS, the things that we do that make our lives seemingly more efficient, but really they make it a lot harder.

So we get addicted to things like alcohol and drugs and food and porn. It's because we really don't want to look at the underlying issues. We don't want to look at why we have to drink so much or why we have to watch so much porn. That shit's painful and it can take lifetimes of therapy to impact. But you guys have been together for five years right now and I would just love to see you start having some healthier conversations around your sex life.

And I think that you'll realize that once you start having these conversations and it might take a few times to get it going Okay, so be patient But once you do the couples who engage in healthy sex conversations have better sex They start to look forward to these conversations. It actually becomes part of their foreplay If he comes part of their turn-ons and they can't imagine ever ever ever going back to a time When they didn't talk about their sex lives. So, I want to put you as a couple in that category, Anna.

So remember, if you start to get angry or you start to protest, you could say, okay, well maybe we're done talking about this for tonight. Let's talk about it again next week. And then you can move on to something else. So don't expect them to say, you're right, babe, I'm going to stop using my phone for sex you know might not happen so I'm just wanting to prepare you for all scenarios here Anna. So this is not as easy as I make it sound. I might understand that.

Thanks a lot Anna, keep you posted. This is from Jeff 57 in New York. Hey Dr. Emily, my girlfriend seems to only be able to climax via literal stimulation. She's even having trouble that way. I want to help her and give her the best she's ever had. Is there a good toy I can use? I'm doing some studying on my own to develop skills to help me as well.

All right, Jeff, great question. But let's back up here. Can we just for a moment reframe only orgasm through Clitoral Stimulation? What if it's okay that she can only orgasm that way? There's not like a right way to orgasm that if she is a different kind of orgasm, it would be better I just want to normalize that for everybody who's going, yeah, that's the only way I can orgasm as well Jeff, I love your enthusiasm to please your girlfriend, but I'm curious. What does she want? Does she want the best she ever had?

You know, what's important to her and does she have knowledge about why she's not able to orgasm literally in the same way as she was in the past? Definitely, skills will help. But when I like to think about oral skills, it really has to do with paying attention, going slow, having her show you what she likes. I think it's important to think about your sexual relationship in this way.

I'd love you both to be more open-minded and clear unless with a goal, like it has to get better. And I have to learn these new skills. And the best sex is gonna come when you open up together because when there's one person who's desperately trying to save the sex and the relationship and the other person who's sort of receiving or isn't as into it, or doesn't even think that there's anything that needs to change.

That's when we get into problems, but think of it this way. You're both in it together. You both want to have the most incredible sex. She's excited to learn and you're excited to learn. And then you both are on the same page, and it'll be a lot easier, maybe for her to relax into her orgasm because maybe that's what happens. I don't know how long you guys have been together. Have you even talked about your sex life? Do you know what her sex goals are?

What are your sex goals? And if you really want to understand what feels good to her, you could try some mutual masturbation. Hey, this is a masturbation show. So I'm just going to jump right in and say, mutual masturbation is a super hot move for a lot of couples. It's kind of a two-fer. Think about it this way. First of all, it's really hot to what your partner masturbate, am I right? But also, you're learning. It's educational. You can see what turns them on. And like, if you're with someone like, oh, I didn't know that she lightly moves her finger and circles over her clitoris, or that she likes a finger inside. I mean this is how you know what complies her. I would

recommend some clear communication with her outside the bedroom about your sex life and asking her what what she wants right now in the state of the game. And finally you asked about toys. Toys are always wonderful. Again, they differ for every single body. What would feel good? I'm really into toys that could be multi-use right now and be used for different partners no matter what your body part, whether you have a penis

or a vulva, go to our shop page on our website. And we've got a bunch of great things with good vibrations there that you can see. I love the Jay-Jeeh Mimi. It looks like a soft stone that you might like a skip love the jazzy Mimi. It looks like a soft stone and you might like a skip a stone with an river. It's like that kind of thing, but it's actually a vibrator and it's powerful and it can feel great on the shaft. It can feel great all of our labia are clitoris. So I always play with some toys, maybe go shopping together for some toys.

I love the Dame finger vibe. It's called the fin. It's a fingervibe, it wraps around your fingers. So then anywhere you touch gets that really cool vibing sensation. And I promise you, it feels good in all body parts. Many body parts. Your nipples, nape of your neck, your lips. You can use in all different settings. So just have fun and play. Maybe go shopping together for some toys.

That can be really fun. So Jeff, I love your enthusiasm and let me know how it goes shopping together for some toys. That can be really fun. So Jeff, I love your enthusiasm and let me know how it goes. Thanks for your question. This is from Claire 33 in Australia. Hey, Dr. Emily, I love your show and advice. I'm going to stage my life where I do not have a formal relationship. I'm not seeking monogamy in if several casual partners. I'm down to try a lot of things. One partner is asking to masturbate in front of him, and although it's not that different from mutual masturbation, which I've done in a past relationship, I feel weirdly self-conscious about it.

With that same person, we are currently discussing potential threesomes and attending a sex party together, but masturbating in front of him seems more difficult. Any advice to get out of my head and some practical advice would be great. Thank you. All right, thank you so much for your question, Claire. What it sounds to me is that you're kind of grabbing with what it feels like to be

in a casual relationship versus a committed relationship. I mean, think about it. When you're committed to someone like in your past relationships, perhaps it was easier to feel free and to participate in mutual masturbation because you felt safe. And when you're in a more casual relationship, you don't have that same level of trust. I'm curious, what's this masturbating solo

in front of him feel like? Do you feel like you're gonna be judged that you can't really let go in front of someone you're not committed to? It could also be that in these other situations, sex parties and mutual masturbation, your partner is also engaging. Like, your partner is going to be busy with another partner or you're going to be a sex party. There's a lot of stimulation and there's a lot of distraction. But what I'm here, you say, is that he's asking you to masturbate while he watches. And there could be something about all eyes on you

that's making you feel more self-conscious. Do you ever experience social anxiety? How do you feel about speaking in large groups? Let me know if that resonates with you. I had a friend went when she was getting married and she was just so terrified of walking down the aisle. Like in every ear of her life, she's like, open and just got left her friends and she's very social, but she's like, something like walking down the aisle and having all the eyes on her just made her so uncomfortable that she ended up not walking down the aisle actually. And doing it in a very different way where she made it her own

and it worked. It was a beautiful ceremony and, you know, to this day she feels amazing about it. So there might be something else here, like a workaround or communication thing that you can talk to about because it sounds like with this partner, you feel really good about going with sex party and being open and being with other people. So I would just look at what it is about this particular scenario that makes you feel uncomfortable. And also, even if it's a casual partner, I'm all for being vulnerable and being really honest and open and saying, you know what,

this one thing, I can't figure it out either. It makes me uncomfortable. Can we try it in baby steps? Maybe you can masturbate in front of him but like leave your clothes on, you know, at first, because that's also hot. I mean, can we be honest? It's slowly taking your

clothes off or touching yourself like over your underwear while you have, you know, pants on or skirt on could be just super hot next level. I also want to say one more thing here Claire is that, but I want to remind everyone, you don't have to do everything that you're part of a question or relationship. There's also the option here where you'd ever do it. You're just like, you know what? I'm not really into masturbating by myself, but mutual masturbation, I am down. And then the two of you doing some mutual masturbation and that's a good time as well, which you already know.

And then maybe in the future, when you start to get more comfortable with him, you might decide that, yeah, you know what? I'm ready to go solo. So remember to honor what you need in the bedroom as well. Just as important. Okay, Claire, let me know how it goes. This is from Ashley 27 in Southern California.

Hello, Dr. Emily, I'm recently married and so in love with my husband. However, I've never orgasmed with anyone and no other first step to get there is to explore my own body. I've dealt with sexual abuse from a previous partner and felt that you is when I realized previous partners only wanted me for sex. So I don't feel comfortable exploring down there because it just feels gross and I don't

want to touch myself. It's not fair to my wonderful husband who shows me real and honest love. Is there any advice how I can love myself enough, slash more to feel more comfortable with exploring myself so I can improve my sex life with my husband? Thank you.

Ashley, thank you so much for your email. There's a lot to unpack here and I'm so glad you wrote in and we're so specific here because it's going to help. I'm definitely going to be able to help you and I'm so glad you wrote in and were so specific here because it's going to help. I'm definitely going to be able to help you and I know that your question is going to resonate with so many of our listeners. Alright, so let's talk about the fact that you feel like you've never orgasmed with a partner and I'm going to assume that maybe you've been orgasmed with yourself and I think that with everything that you're working on right now

of trying to have more self-love and self-acceptance. And really, you're asking the question about how do I explore more is to take time for yourself. I mean, one way that we can show self-love and demonstrate self-love to ourselves and for ourselves is to actually set time aside where your only job and your only responsibility is to explore. So I have to explore your body. What actually feels good to you. Take a mirror, look between your legs and see what's going on. You're going to be amazed if you look at how your body works and how it gets turned on and how it responds to different kinds of touch.

Having a night where you're taking a bath using different oils and just knowing that this is the time, like knowing can come into the room. You could lock the door, leave your phone outside the room and just make it about feeling you and what feels good, what turns you on. Do you experience from being in past relationships or with your partner where you kind of think about,

oh, I kind of like that touch, but let me take it to this other place. That's how we learn. We learn by exploring, we learn by doing to ourselves. At least I do. I'm a kid aesthetic learner, and people can tell me things all day long,

but I've got to get into it. And I'm feeling that this is gonna be a really great first step for you as well as actually is get to know your own body, especially if you've had sexual abuse from a previous partner. I want you to reclaim your body right now. I want you to take it back from that experience that was toxic and not helpful and didn't make you feel good and learn to move through it now in a way that you are in charge of your own pleasure. Your responsible for it feels good to you. And then you can start to associate your body and your pleasure back to your hands and your touch. And once you take those steps, it's going to be a lot easier to welcome in your husband and show them what you've learned. I mean, it sounds like you're so in love with your husband

and you're in a new relationship. And when I can tell from really healthy relationships, great partners are so excited to learn about our bodies and they're excited for us to learn about their bodies and this way we get to all learn together. You know, a lot of us have experienced sexual trauma. It's way more common than we think. And when we think that sexual trauma is just like, oh, and I've had trauma, but it helped me, Dr. Emily, it's like we really have to deal with trauma

that we've had in the past. Unfortunately with time passing, it doesn't go away. It's just the impact of not facing it gets louder and louder and louder. And it makes it a lot harder to be in healthy sexual relationships. So really I can't recommend enough going into therapy, specifically trauma therapy that deals with really going back to that time and releasing trauma, something like I talk a lot about EMDR therapy, EMDR, you can find out more at mdrea.org. And that's a great resource to find people near you that work with you. The reason why I love this kind of trauma therapy is because it actually rewires your brain. It rewires the neuropathies in your brain that are rooted in trauma.

And so you'll find that this is the kind of therapy that moves to trauma a lot quicker, and then you're able to come back after just a few months and not have the same charge around sex or whatever issues were triggering you in the past. Now let's get on to exploring. What feels gross to you to use your words? Is it actually touching yourself or does it feel wrong? Are there judgments in your head? Do you feel like you should look differently or it should feel different?

Have you ever taken a mirror and looked between your legs, looked at your vulva straight up and seen what it looks like? And really how beautiful it is. And maybe think about it, there are like snowflakes. Like everyone's different and they sort of blossom. You know, do you ever think like the paintings of like George Eau-Kieff paintings when like the flowers are blooming? I mean, that's what it looks like.

I love Ashley that you're saying that you want to advice and you can love yourself more. We all could work out loving ourselves more. Am I right? And so I think that learning to actually loving ourselves more. Am I right? And so I think that learning to actually like your body. I mean, I think love is a stretch to like, go in and I love my body and you know, self love. How about self, how about body neutrality? At least start from a neutral place, which could be a great way to just like I said, when you put a mirror and you start looking, that could be so helpful for you. But self love, what's really helped me just with self-love all around is honestly journaling, meditating, having daily affirmations where you come up with your own affirmations that really just replace a lot of the negative pro-ing because the opposite of self-love is really

self-hate, self-dustain, self-criticism, judgment, negative self-talk, which I have plenty of it. Okay? It is a lifelong process. But what happens is when you counter it with more positive statements, with more loving statements, with I am a loving, beautiful, strong woman who's deserving of pleasure in all parts of my life and my body, mind and soul. I deserve to feel loved and be loved, especially by myself on a daily basis. I speak words that are positive, nurturing, self-loving with the growth mindset always. I mean, in my notes on my phone, I have an affirmations page that what I'm meditating in the morning, I'll just read them. I'll read it myself, I'll look in the mirror, I say I'm in the shower. And if you think about the rewiring, if your brain is often filled with like a lot of negative

self-talk or just negative beliefs or limiting beliefs about what you're something bad's going to happen in the future or something bad, I did something bad in the past. You're programming your brain with those thoughts. So if you counter it and you fill it up with all the positive things that you can think of, gratitude, and what you're specifically grateful, not just like I'm grateful for my life, but like I am grateful that my body is working and I get to experience so much pleasure. Or I love my vulva. I appreciate my orgasms.

I am deserving of orgasms and pleasure with my husband and with my Volvo. I appreciate my orgasms. I am deserving of orgasms and pleasure with my husband and with my life. And I realize that once I played with gratitude and affirmations, I was able to really come to a place where self-love and self-acceptance was a lot louder than any of the negativity that had been plaguing me in the past. I even love you for asking this because you are loved and you're gonna get there yourself Ashley. Just remember, even if the daily practice of like three minutes a day, because when people used to say you gotta do 20 minutes

the morning and 20 minutes a night and then five hours on the weekend, I would be like, I don't have time. But then you realize you start to crave it over time. So I would start with some positive affirmations and learning to know your body and maybe a little bit therapy around the trauma. And you're going to be well on your way actually to a lot more self-love, self-expression, and positive self-exploration.

We're going to do a quick break. Stick around. We get back. I'm diving into your solo sex questions. Sigh. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. This is from Mike 42 in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Hey, Dr. Emily. I've been married for over 20 years. The love of my life. She's incredible in every way. She's the only woman I've ever married for over 20 years to the love of my life. She's incredible in every way. She's the only woman I've ever been with. And after both of us work through so much shame from purity culture,

when we have sex, it's completely incredible. I can't even imagine it getting better. So here's my dilemma. I've always had a very high sex drive. I can be mostly content with two to three times a week. Every other day, great. If I could have what I wanted, it would be least every day. After kids, careers, and all that, we may only have sex every week or two.

A big part of pleasure for me is our connection and giving her pleasure. Hey, I love receiving two and she's very generous. I guess because of that, masturbation really doesn't do much for me. I can make myself feel good and orgasm, but it isn't satisfying, and it can even make me feel worse. I feel lonely and depressed. Is there a way to change this part of me or how I feel? All right, Mike.

Well, thank you for sharing this, and I love that you've married for over 20 years. Love your life. It gives me so much joy and hope. And also, I want to congratulate you for moving through the shame from purity culture. That is just not easy to do when you grow up in an environment that is all about repressing desire, shaming you for feeling sexual, for being sexual and for masturbating. So it sounds like this masturbation thing, Mike, might be the last vestige. That's the last thing that we have in quite that's purity culture still has its grip on. So the fact that solo sex makes you feel shameful and lonely and depressed, sounds like

someone that could be lingering. And so, what I want to tell you is from a lot of our listeners that are working on or have worked through shame from religion or, you know, purity culture or just anywhere where they felt that it was wrong to be sexual, is doing some deeper work around the messaging, right? So, I'm going to assume that there was a lot of messaging when you were young that said, it's not okay to be sexual.

If you masturbate, you're going to go to hell. Masturbation is wrong and sex is only for procreation and you can only have sex to make babies. And those are messages that you heard that very, very young age. And just because you might leave the church or leave home or leave your family, leave the places that we're telling you these messages, doesn't mean they're not sticking with you. So I want you to unpack this. And I want you to maybe start journaling. Journaling is so helpful, putting pen to paper, and writing about what do you believe around it?

What do you believe around masturbation? Why do you think it's helpful? And why do you think it's healthy? Because if some of those old messages are coming up, remember you are a 40-tier old man and thriving in every area of your life and you get to decide which messages are right for you. You get to decide at that message from the past no longer serve you and you get to release those and replace them with the messages that do. I am a strong healthy man and I deserve pleasure. I deserve to get to know my body. You know, remember that masturbation is healthy. Masturbation is actually good for us. There's a lot of benefits to masturbation. Loads are stress level, our cortisol levels. It allows us to feel

more comfortable with our bodies. We can release stress in a healthy way. It can help with depression. It gives us a glow. A skin glow, right? When we say, oh, you're glowing. Maybe you masturbated, had an orgasm. I mean, it can be recommended by doctors to have to masturbate to get over a lot of pain. In fact, orgasms are our natural pain killers. So maybe you can replace it with

the messages that are true about masturbation rather than ones that just are based in lies truly. So I feel like that is what's making you feel lonely and depressed. And I know this from so many listeners and friends and that I know that it's said every time they masturbate, they feel guilt, they feel shame. Even when they can't quite put a finger on why. So I want you to do the work here to kind of unpack that for yourself and release it. Because once you do that, you'll be able to have incredible sex with your partner and with yourself. And remember, it's all important. Thanks for your question, Mike. This is from Chelsea, 27 in California.

Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm a 27 year old woman and I've never had an orgasm. My partner is amazing, and he really wants me to orgasm. So I also want to make this possible for me and for us. I was into your show and understand that bringing myself to orgasm through masturbation is an important step, but I can't seem to do it. I've tried toys, loob, porn, etc. but I've not had any success.

There was a time where I even scheduled a masturbation for myself. You already eased myself into it, but that didn't work either. I've never been naturally interested in masturbating. I just never think of it. And even when I do, I don't really want to do it. It's a passing thought and then I'm on to other things. I also have a history of sexual abuse and worried this would be getting in the way. I've been to therapy and seen a lot of progress over the past few years, especially with EMDR therapy. I used to struggle to even have sex with a partner, but now I'm much more comfortable and confident with sex.

Do you have any advice for how to get myself motivated to masturbate? How can I know if I pass trauma is getting in the way? Thanks, I love your show. Alright, Chelsea, well your email really spoke to me because first, I understand that. I used to never be motivated to masturbate. I had to be convinced of it and I was like, it's like another thing I might do this and it felt kind of annoying. And I realized it's because I just wasn't really enjoying it. I never had orgasm either.

And so I was in my early mid-20s and I just was like, what's the point? And you realize like, why would you be motivated to do something? If you don't even came and imagine what it's going to feel like. Like you've never had orgasms so it seems like it's sort of a chore right now. It seems like why am I doing this? What's the end result? Our orgasms are great.

And you've also been doing a lot of work on yourself. You know, I'm so happy that you've been to trauma therapy and you've been able to release a lot of it, but I want to remind you one thing with trauma work is that, well, it may be intellectually and your brain feels differently around sex, which is fabulous. Our bodies hold on to trauma and anxiety, and we have this cellular memory around trauma. So maybe when this trauma happened to you, you were clenching and holding your pelvic floor. And perhaps that whole area just feels sort of shut down and tighter. It's almost like there's like stagnant energy there. Now, I don't want to

go all woo and lose all y'all. But let me tell you this, we all have stagnant energy that gets stuck in our bodies and our chest like think of like the chakras and there that's just another way of saying that we have energy blocks in our throat and our heads in our third and fourth chakra which is mostly like where our I like to call it the power source but this is where our you know pelvic floor is and if you've had any trauma or shame we're just going to tighten. So there is some releasing that I'd love you to do in that area. And that can just come from doing some deep breath work and from learning to move your

body. I don't know if you do any exercise practice or dance. A lot of that can be very, very healing to release places where we are stuck. So let's get into though the motivation. Finding out what turns you on. Like you specifically, you've tried toys, you tried the loot, you tried the porn, but I want you just kind of roll back to like the very, very beginning here. And think about what actually turns you on. If you've been in relationship or you had the, you know, a traumatic experience, you've had to spend a lot of time just surviving through

sex and just getting through it, like reading and bearing it. But when you can really think about what turns you on, because remember, you're not alone. Many people don't actually know what their sexual turn-ons are. I know that seems strange to you. You think, well, everyone's got to turn on every watch is porn. It is not true. So first, don't assume what turns you on. It's going to be the same thing that turns other people on. Nothing should turn you on. You don't have to like porn. You don't have to like dirty talk. You don't have to like anything. It's going to be different for all of us. And our own personal eroticism is comprised

of very specific things and sex that turn us on. And you can learn a lot more. I like to call it like your sexual DNA. Like what do you think, like any memory? Like think of like one sexual memory. That's really turned you on. It could be like a really hot make-out sash. It could be sex on the beach or hiking with a partner

and they'd tell you your hand. Like what is turning you on? Because there's no rules to our turn-ons You are in a safe space with yourself. You can journal about it and just remember that your eroticism is unique Sort of like a fingerprint. We all have our own Core erotic themes. So once you understand that I want you to take some time and explore your body slowly and intentionally. So spend time learning more about like the physical side of your body, of pleasure and arousal. How do you like to be stimulated? What parts of your body are responding to touch? And I'm not even saying focus on your genitals. That's the problem so many of us as make is be like, okay, I'm going to

masturbate. I'm going to masturbate, I'm going to put this vibrator on my clitoris, I'm going to put this vibrator on my penis, I'm just going to, ah, like go, but no, like, that's warm yourself up. It's like, we're playing on yourself. Start to, you know, we've only a secondary rod in the zone that if nothing you do with like the ones that we all talk about, like the ones that get all the attention, our penis, our vagina, our nipples. But what about your ears, the nape of your neck, the feet, your inside of your

thighs, like your inner elbow, these are all the rodent zones as well. So you can just like lay back and get creative where you're going to touch yourself and focus. Do this alone. And lay back, create a safe space and environment that makes you feel like I can't explore. I have a half hour right now. I'm gonna lock the door, I'm gonna take a bath, I'm just gonna move my hands slowly across to my body, like, oh, wow, that feels really good.

The way my hand feels, I'm gonna nape my neck or when I move down to my nipples, and I start to touch it, like touch my nipples, that feels really good too. So you really just gathering information, so you know about your own turn-ons. And then think about the mental aspects of pleasure, like what intrigues you?

Is there anything that you've seen in the porn you watched or in past memories or talking to friends or reading? Whether ever seen, it could be one thing. It doesn't have to be a hundred things. One scenario that turned you on. And then you kind of look at that. You know, think about that experience. You know, think about what is,

about that experience that turned you on. Like your own erotic template is really comes to shfruition when you think about what arouses you. What have you read or watched it turns you on, why was it sexy to you? This is a great journal exercise. Like why was it sexy? That's the key part.

What was it in watching it? What part of it was it delayed? Was it like a unrequited love? Was it something that you hadn't expected? You know, I hear from a lot of you that tell me that the best sex is when it's unexpected, or you didn't know it was gonna happen, or it was outside of your house, or vacation sex.

I mean, let's be honest, like, to my favorite words, vacation sex, because fucking hot, so, like, think about these things. Go deep, you know, you could also read a rhodocop and see, like, what is really turning me on? Like, read through it and find it and say, huh, what is in here that is turning me on? What isn't turning me on?

And let's go with one thing. And then you can have to write out your own fantasies and become an expert of your own or radicism. So that is what I recommend to you. And once you do that, coupled with finding ways to turn yourself on, finding ways to masturbate, sounds like you know all the things.

You get like, I've got the lube, Dr. Elm, I've got the toys, I've got the, but it didn't work. So I think maybe the psychology of it, I mean, you've been in therapy for a while, so this shouldn't be probably any new concepts for you. And once you kind of make it your own Chelsea's Pleasure 101, you get to be the teacher and the student.

And I know you're gonna get all the ease here if you make more time for yourself and discovering your own pleasure. Okay, this is from Joseph. We don't have his age or his worries from and you just remind her to all of you. I love to know both of those things. It just helps me to know your age and where you're from. But let's talk to Joseph. Hey, Dr. Emily, I was wondering if you could please give me some help advice to improve my solo sexual performance. At the moment, when I have the urge to master it, my orgasms aren't very exciting. And sometimes halfway through, I find it difficult to maintain excitement levels. How could I achieve better and longer lasting orgasms? Are there any specific ways or techniques I can try? All right, Joseph. I'd like to know more about what is happening in these moments.

Are there thoughts in your head? Is there a... this is wrong, it's never going to happen, you know, what am I doing here? This orgasm is going to be as dull as yesterday's orgasm, because remember the louder our thoughts, the harder it is to get turned on. And when we're in our head, just think about it this way. The blood is rapidly leaving your genitals because it's spending all the time in your head. So the more we can be in our body or embodied when we are having any kind of sex with ourself or a partner, we'll be more likely to feel more roused and more turned on. So when you say longer lasting, when you're masturbating, are you getting there quicker than you'd like? In other words, are your orgasm coming a lot quicker

and you're not really understanding why and you're like, I wasn't even ready to orgasm because if so, I cannot recommend edging enough to you. Edging is simply the practice of delaying orgasm. And exploring your own body and finding what feels good to you, it doesn't have to be like, you know, so many of us, like I said, we rush right for our genitals and we're not really even teasing or rising ourselves. We're like, I'm just going to have an orgasm and knock this out and order pizza. But if you want to start to experiment more and learn more about what actually turns you on, edging is a really cool practice where you can work with your breath. You can work for building up your orgasm and then you stop. So you think about a scale of one to ten.

Ten is orgasm and one is like, you're not a rouse at all or you have a flaccid penis if you will. So if you masturbate until you're getting to about a seven, where you're really rouse or at eight, and you're about to orgasm, but then you take it down and notch. Maybe you take your hand off your penis and then you just sort of ferment it and you breathe and then you go back to it and then you start to build and build and build towards orgasm again and then you do it again and then you don't let yourself ejacate and you take it back down. And this practice is first off when you finally do orgasm, it's so hot because you've delayed it.

And think about it's a late gratification or delayed satisfaction for anything. It always makes that thing so much more pleasurable. But also with edging, you're learning more about your own ejaculatory control. You're learning more about your own body, your own machinery, which gives you notice that so many of us put in the hands of our partners. Like, why don't they understand my body or what do they can they do for me? Can they give me my orgasm? Can they turn me on more? And remember, we're all responsible for our own orgasms.

We're responsible for our own pleasures. We're responsible for asking what we want. I know it's a lot of it, but it's so worth it. And that's why becoming your best sexual partner, like become your own best lover. Because when you become a master at your own body, imagine how much better you'll be at not only being a great lover to others, but communicating your needs and just having a much more explosive sex life when we take this time and put it in the work. And I say work, but this is fun people. I'm getting you. I'm encouraging you to like understand your body. have more orgasms. Like, this isn't like doing your taxes, right? This isn't like, I'm asking y'all to take like some dense business course or anything. I'm saying, you know, get an MBA in your own bodies.

Get a master's in my masturbation. Thanks for your question, Joseph. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email.

So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash askemily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex With Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUT