Sex With Emily - Hottest Hotline Calls

Episode Date: April 23, 2022

When you’re desperate to fix your sex life with your partner, what do you do? (You call me, of course.) Maybe the sex started hot, but got real boring. Or maybe you and your crush are finally hooking up…but the sex is meh, and it’s a huge letdown. What now?On today’s Best Of hotline show, I’m sharing some of my favorite listener questions and letting you listen in as we talk through solutions. We’ve got sex-stonewalling partners. Compersion vs. cuckholding. A self-described “lazy lover.” Bisexuality, plus a squirting tutorial. Trust me, if you’ve got the right communication skills, you can talk through anything: and on this episode, I help you make those sex talks way less gnarly. Show Notes:Our Yes No Maybe List Emily’s Shop Page The Magic WandThe Womanizer Boston Scientific New Low T Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

He's everything I could want from a personality perspective. However, we do have a little bit of a problem because he has a micro penis, I think. I'm still going to stick by what I always say that it's really not about your penis size. The challenge is somebody who isn't willing to communicate about your sex life. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

So you want sex all the time, but your partner, not so much. Well, not to worry, today's Hotline Calls episode takes a look at mismatched sex drives and what might actually be behind them. We also dive into penis size, pleasure, and communication because there's so many ways to enjoy a penis, but first you gotta talk about what you both want. We also tackle a case of sexsomnia, you know, like having sex in your sleep, and how to make eye contact during sex when you're awake. You're gonna love today's episode, and I love talking to all of you.

Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. Just do it right now. It takes you two seconds, and it really helps get the show out to more people and more sex-positive people like you. You wanna have better sex. You can also find me on all social media at Sex with Emily.

If you're there, I'm there. Check out my new articles, Is My Vagina Normal? and How to Have an A-Spot Orgasm. They're up on SexWithEmily.com. Also, don't forget to sign up for my emails. You can find the link in the show notes. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. Urinary trapped infections are extremely common. Around 1 in 2 women and 1 in 20 men will get a UTI in their lifetime. Plus, once you've had one UTI challenge, you're way more susceptible to another in the future. That's why you just need Just Thrive's UTI123.

This product can actually prevent UTIs while maintaining your urinary tract health. UTI123 targets both immediate and long-term relief. We've all heard to drink cranberry juice for your urinary tract, but did you know that for the full effects, you need the whole cranberry? Not just juice, but the skin, flesh, and even the seeds. Well, UT123 uses superior ingredients that utilizes the whole fruit.

This supplement truly is the full package. So if you're someone who struggles with the constant urge to urinate, a burning feeling when you pee, pelvic pain, or just want to be proactive in your urinary health, Just Thrive is for you. Just Thrive is so confident you'll love their product that there is a 100% money back guarantee on every purchase made through JustThriveHealth.com. And for a limited time, you can save 20% off site wide

at JustThriveHealth.com with promo code SexWithEm site-wide at JustThriveHealth.com with promo code SexWithEmily. That's JustThriveHealth.com and use code SexWithEmily for 20% off your order. You're going to love it. Listen, alcohol is just out in 2024. There is a rising trend of going alcohol-free or being sober curious, and alcohol, the truth is it's just bad for you and can famously impair your sex life. So if you're looking for another way to unwind, relax or just have fun, I cannot

recommend Vaya's THC gummies enough. Vaya has gummies for every occasion. Whether it's to improve your sleep, I love their sleep gummies. I take them everywhere. Your mood or your focus, they even have an aphrodisiac gummy called High Love to boost my arousal levels. High Love has a unique blend of cannabinoids and aphrodisiac exotic herbs that are known for their libido enhancing effects. So I've been using VIA for a while now and I absolutely love them.

They're a super trusted company. They use premium hemp natural ingredients and they're known for their premium indoor THCA flour. All their products are made here in the US. They got quick and discreet shipping to all 50 states so you can all enjoy them. Not to worry. And also super affordable. So head over to ViaHemp.com and use code EMILY at checkout to save 15% off your order. That's V-I-I-A-H-E-M-P.com.

Use code EMILY at checkout for 15% off your order and let me know what you think. Use code EMILY at checkout for 15% off your order and let me know what you think. We have Rachel, 32 in Colorado. Hi Rachel. Hi Emily. How are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm good.

This is so cool. I love what you do. Thank you. How can I help you? I have a higher libido than my partner and And for me, it's really hurtful to ask for sex or try to initiate and to be told no, you know, for whatever reason, I'm too tired or what have you. And that said, I mean, the sex is great. Like, it's really incredible.

And I think, you know, part of it is he's a little bit older than I am. And I'm kind of in my sexual prime at 32. And I understand like late 20s to mid late 30s is like that peak for women. And he's 41. And he's also on depression medication. So that's, that's an aspect of it. So yeah, lots of factors, but at a high level, but you know, the difference in libido is it's what I want to talk about. Yeah, that's a really that is a big one and it's they often say yeah you're in your late 20s early 30s late 30s is when you have a high sex drive it varies from person to person but you know yourself this is where you are and his libido isn't matching yours that's that's what's going on right now and you have been with him for six months, you said? Six months, yeah. We were friends for a couple of years and we're actually long distance.

So when you do see each other, because usually a lot of times long distance is like, we are together for a weekend or a week and we're having sex the whole time, you know? I know. Have you talked to him about it? Definitely. I mean, the communication is so good.

In the beginning of the relationship, he was like, ideally, like he really was interested in starting to talk about sex pretty quickly. Great. Initially, I was a little bit resistant because I was like, I really wanna like develop the emotional piece of the relationship before we go there.

But yeah, I mean, he asked me like, how often would you wanna have sex? And I told him like, every day when we're together. And he was like, really? That's not what I've, you know, known before. At the time, he seemed like on board for that and like, but then, you know, when we've been together, it's like, I'm wanting it just about every day. And he's maybe like four times a week or so.

So there's a bit of discrepancy there. Okay, let's go to when you are having sex, those four days, how is it? It's great. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, and I told him at one point a couple months ago, like, I feel like I'm having a sexual awakening right now. Like I had kind of squirted before we got together,

but like with him, like I squirted that every time. And like I tried anal with him for the first time because he's super into it and I am obsessed with it. Great. Yeah, the sex is amazing. And what's something that's really important for me is I hate the monotony of sexuality, which I've had with some partners before

where it's kind of, you get into a rut and it's like the same thing over and over again. And I've expressed this to him like I want to be trying new things constantly like and he's super down for that and we talk about different fantasies we have. That's exciting! So the sex is great he's open to variety he's open to talking about it and trying things out so then what we're just kind of narrowing down here so it's really just that you want it seven times a week and he wants it four. Mm-hmm and and he and I have kind of narrowing down here. So it's really just that you want it seven times a week and he wants it four.

Mm-hmm. And he and I have kind of talked through this and we found a little bit of a resolution with it, but still working through like, how do I initiate something and be okay with being told no and what can I do for my pleasure and not like depending on him for my pleasure? Right.

So that's interesting. Do you pleasure yourself, masturbate on him for my pleasure. Right. So that's interesting. Or do you pleasure yourself masturbate? I do. Yeah. Yeah. I really need that emotional connection. Yeah. Yeah.

That like I just recently heard the term maybe on this podcast, Demisexual, where like that emotional piece emotional connection. Yeah, I get super turned on with like vulnerability and like really that deep connection and so so often like when I do masturbate like I think of him and like us together and So are there other ways that you could feel intimate with him? Is it really just about the penetration like what if you're close together? You're intimate or you gave each other Massages or you watch porn together and it was mutual masturbation So he's next to you, but he doesn't really have,

maybe he could just use his hands or, you know, there's other ways to play on those days that you guys could explore that you could be intimate without the actual penetration. That is another way to look at it because I think that sometimes sex is so focused on that just penetration and that's sex yeah there's so many other ways to define it maybe he's telling you what to do and you're you know he's dominant and

you're laying back if that's one of your fantasies and he's telling you what toy to use or what position to get in and that could be hot but he's not really doing anything I don't know what level of know he's at if he's like four days a week and I'm out or if he would still be open to expanding your definition of sex and connection. Yeah I definitely think that's something for me to think about and kind of talk through a bit more with him like yeah what else can we do that's not the whole ordeal of like the foreplay and the penetration and the after it's a lot you, that's a deal.

It's a lot, you know? So I would definitely talk about that because he sounds like he's open, but the other part that I would drill down to now is that you feel rejected when he doesn't want sex. So it's like almost like you're taking that to mean that part of you isn't lovable or worthy or he's gonna reject you, like if it feels unsafe.

I don't wanna put words in your mouth. Yeah, I take it personally, yeah. You take it personally. So that might be something to look at too because if this is gonna be your partner or with any partner, is that something that's familiar to you? Has that happened in other areas in this relationship

or other areas in your life? Oh yeah. You feel rejected, okay. So sometimes these are the patterns that it's not, so in this case, it's not really about the sex is what I'm hearing. It's more about, cause I'm like, you guys are well matched. Like I wanna clone what you've told me

and tell everyone about it. But it's more like, to me, it's more about your own feeling of self-worth and feeling like it's okay if someone, even if someone says no to you or rejects you, that you're still lovable and okay. It doesn't have to take you down. Yeah, exactly.

Like not depending on my partner to like feel sexy, desirable, valuable. Like yeah, it's that validation seeking definitely is like one of my core issues for sure. Okay, yeah. So I think that's what we're talking about. And so if it comes up, usually it's you know, how we do one thing is how we do everything they say. So that's something that, and how do you do that? How do you realize that saying it is great, like you know it, you're aware of it, but what are the baby steps that you could do? Like maybe if he does not,

if you feel that he doesn't want sex at some point, are there mantras you can have? Are there notes you can pulp in your phone? Or like, I am lovable, I am this, I'm desirable. You know, whatever work you do with it in other areas might help you in this place because it's gonna come up again. So not even just around the sex. I think that's a good thing to know about yourself. To fill your own cups up. Yeah, definitely. Your own love tank. Yeah, that's the heavy one. I feel like you are in it with someone who

seems like they would be willing to help you work on everything or a lot of things. Absolutely. I mean, yeah. So I'm in a master's program for mental health counseling and he's trained in nonviolent communication. So, yeah, I mean, the communication is like so good, but he also like he's just a very direct like masculine communicator. And I tend to be more like emotionally charged and so kind of finding out. You're going to have some fun figuring this stuff out together too because you're so well-acquainted with non-violent communication and you're studying mental health and so yeah this feels like it's not so binary like should you stay or should you go about libido? It sounds like yeah some other underlying things. Libido might be a challenge but at least you guys

I feel like could have some healthy conversations around this that will really help you if you decide to stay together and work on it or not. It sounds like you're both ready to do that kind of work. Yeah, so for me, yeah, it's really the like inner work. And I really liked what you talked about in terms of like exploring different ways to be sexual together without it having to be like a commitment with like the penetration specifically. Right, because our partnerships aren't always going to be like a commitment with like the penetration specifically. Right, because our partnerships aren't always gonna be available, you know, or they're not always gonna be on board for what we are,

whether it's talking about where we wanna go for dinner or what kind of sex we wanna have. And so how do we still self soothe? Yeah, good. I'm glad this was helpful. It was really good to talk to you. Yeah, thank you so much. I feel like I came away with some good takeaways,

so I appreciate it. Yeah, of course, I'm here for you. I'll be around. Let me know how it goes. Thanks, Emily. Appreciate it. Sometimes it's really not about the sex. Sometimes it is about the sex, but when it's not about the sex or we can see different patterns in our life, we're repeating ourselves or there are certain lessons to learn, I think we got to stop and go, huh, what can I learn here? Where else am I doing this and how can I change it? Because sometimes how we do one thing

is how we do everything. Where else do you feel not loved or that you're not heard or people aren't seeing you or whatever your pattern is? Typically you can find that in other areas of your life and figure out ways to, at the end of the day, fill up your own love cup first. We got Alyssa, female, 28 in California. Hi, Dr. Emily, how are you?

I'm good, how are you? Thanks so much for calling in. Thank you so much for having me. Before I ask my question, I just want to thank you so much for this show. You've really helped me become more confident in my body and with sex, and this has really changed my life. And I'm so excited to be talking to you.

Thank you so much for taking my you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you so much. So I recently started dating this wonderful guy. He's everything I could want from a personality perspective. However, we do have a little bit of a problem because he has a micro penis, I think. So it's about two and a half inches when it's erect and penetration has been my favorite aspect of sex because I really like the connection of it. And I don't know what we can do to make it better or if it's worth working through because everything else is there,

but sex is such a huge part of a relationship. So I'm not really sure how to handle this because I've listened to the Matthew Hussey episode about the one-day wager and right now I'm waiting for one day the sex will get better and right now it's just not there. Do I wait it out and do I... How long have you been with them? Three months now. Okay. I mean if you would be okay with using him using a dildo or a strap on, you know, where he would have a strap on

and he could put a dildo inside of it. The penis extender or him using a toy on you, there are workarounds, but it's been three months. Is it something that you guys talk about? He shuts down when we talk about it. So I don't know if it's coming from an insecurity perspective, and I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable with his body.

So I don't even know how to approach that with him. Probably, I'm sure, if he's never talked about it. There probably is a little bit of challenge around it. Because it's, I get it. I mean, there are positions that you could do with a smaller penis, doggy style positions you can do if you are sitting more with your butt in the air and your hands are down, or you could do with you sitting on his lap and then you could be holding you closer.

There's some workarounds, but that's what it's going to be. Are you looking to get married right now and to commit and to find your person? I'm inching towards that. Um, it's definitely about finding the right person. And like I said, everything else is there, but the sex is not. And I, I don't know how important it is, um, or should be. Yeah. Have you had sex in the past that was really satisfying in a different way?

Yeah. Yeah. This is just not satisfying. And I like, I'm willing to work with him, but it's hard to talk to somebody that doesn't want to talk to you. But he's really tough. He's really thinking about everything else, except for- Except for this, well, because that is so deeply personal

and so deeply challenging. It's like as big as probably nightmare and fear is to have to talk about his penis. So, because he probably doesn't have the experience talking about it either, right? So just say, I think this is great, but these are some things that I would need. And I'm sure it's uncomfortable.

I'm sure that no other woman has talked to him about it yet, but you listen to the podcast and you get it, how important it is. So you could choose to kind of practice with him and see what happens, just talking. Do you think that he kind of senses that you're not having as much pleasure as you could? I think so.

But he's also not taking initiative to see how he can make it more pleasurable for me. Have you let him know or talked to him about it all? It's such a hard thing to talk about because it is an uncomfortable situation that I've never been in before. Yes. I don't know how much compromise. And it's been three months? Yeah. So it's still new but...

Are you guys committed? Yeah. I think you have to have a conversation with him because you seem like a really nice caring person with a really big heart and you could practice, you could write it out, but I think just saying, let's talk about our sex life. Here's some things that I, if you think about it, it's about the size, but it's also perhaps about having pleasure.

A partner who maybe has erectile dysfunction wouldn't be able to please a partner. A partner won't go down on a vulva because they don't like vulvas. There's always something that's gonna come up and so for you to say this is what I would need to feel the most aroused it's okay to tell them it's okay to say this is what I need I need some kind of penetrative feeling inside of me to feel my most pleasure and so here's some ideas here's some things we could work

on and see what he says I think it would be great practice for you. Okay. Thank you. Good. Of course. Thank you for calling in about this. I want to know how it goes. Oh, definitely let you know.

But thank you. I like your perspective on compromise. What you got to do? Compromise and practice getting your needs met. Thank you so much, Dr. Emily. Of course. Thank you. Have a great night.

Bye. See, you guys, here's the thing. I'm still going to stick by what I always say, the things that I say, the things that and practice getting your needs met. Thank you so much, Dr. Emily. Of course, thank you. Have a great night. Bye. See, guys, here's the thing. I'm still gonna stick by what I always say that it's really not about your penis size. That's not the challenge.

The challenge is somebody who isn't willing to communicate about your sex life. Like, they're not willing to find out what you actually need to be turned on, what makes a good sex life, you know, are there other, because there are so many other ways you can satisfy a partner with your hands, with your mouth, with toys,

but a partner that just stays mute to communicating about sex, I believe isn't a partner for anybody who has a growth mindset and wants everyone in the relationship to have the most sexual satisfaction and pleasure. Talk about these things. Communication matters, not so much the size. Okay, we'll be right back after a short break from our sponsors, but first, promessant. One of the most common questions I receive from my male

listeners is, how do I last longer in bed? Now there are lots of different techniques I recommend including different sex positions, the start-stop technique, and kegel exercises. However, a quick and easy step you can take for immediate results is a delay spray. The top delay spray on the market is Promessent. Whether you struggle with premature ejaculation, or you just want to try edging, or you just want a longer masturbation session, Promessent is for you. Promessent can numb the sensitivity just enough to extend your performance without reducing pleasure. This spray can help penis owners last up to 64% longer in bed. That's a lot longer. Also not to worry, your product will not transfer to your partner. However, if you are someone with

a vulva who'd like to benefit from more sensitivity during sex, Promessin also offers an incredible warming arousal gel, which just heightens all of those feel good sensations. You just rub it on your vulva a few minutes for sexual activity and you just feel these tingly sensations that are just incredible. Visit promessant.com slash Emily for 15% off your purchase with free shipping, 60 day money back guarantee and discreet delivery.

That's P-R-O-M-E-S-C-E-N-T.com slash Emily or click the link in the show notes. Try it today. What are you waiting for? Sex with Emily has launched several downloadable guides full of tips and tricks to enhance your pleasure. We covered edging 101, a tutorial on sexting, and even simple tips to have better communication.

Well, I'm very excited to announce our newest guide that I created with BathMate for penis pumps. Now you've probably heard of a penis pump before, but did you know it's a legit wellness tool that can improve erection health and stamina? Whether it's used right before sex to help promote erection or used regularly for long-term benefits like sexual endurance,

this is a worthy addition to your sexual toolkit. Learn all about the benefits, how to use them with my personal recommendations, and more in your guide to penis pumps over at SexWithEmily.com. Check it out. This is Daniel. He's a male. He's 31 in Texas. Hello. Hey, Daniel. My wife Natalie is here as well. Your wife?

Yes, Natalie. Hi, Natalie. How you doing? Hello. All right. How can I help you? I don't know how long ago it was we learned that I have sexsom, where I basically have sex in my sleep. It's not really been that much of an issue. Like I haven't done anything too weird. Okay.

My wife was just wondering what could she do to either stop it or like. Like it started with, oh, you kissed me last night and you didn't remember it so I was like oh that's kind of funny you were asleep but then it turned into like we were having sex for a good while and then I was like oh wait a minute you haven't talked to me in five minutes oh okay and so then it just feels kind of disconnected and so how long have you been together okay Um, since 2009. Okay, so you've been together a while.

And is this a new, a new thing that's developed? Well, we only learned of it because I told her about a dream I had where I was like almost playing a video game of fingering and that I was about to level up or something. And then she said, oh yeah, you actually did that. That might have been a year or so ago and then it's okay not consistent at all like I don't know what triggers it or anything is this has anything changed are you taking medication no medication nothing my two-year-old and a three-year-old that's a big change yeah I would say that that is a change. I guess yeah, it would be only the just I'm more mentally tired than usual, but that's the I guess

the only difference I noticed. And how often is this happening? Definitely not regular, but maybe it's happened five times. Okay. I don't know a year and a half. Okay. Is it scary for you when it happens? Well, I guess the very last time that it happened, yeah, I definitely just didn't feel that great about it. But like, I just stopped. Okay. And then I think turning on the light woke him up. You know, you could see a sleep specialist because I think a sleep specialist might be able to help you with this more. You know, they do, you could see a sleep specialist, because I think a sleep specialist might be able to help you with this more. You know, they do say you could take medications, but I just don't love taking medications for something that isn't.

Yeah, I don't either. No, I don't like that either. So maybe you guys could like establish some kind of code word, or you have to get your phone by the bed, you could flash a light in his face. You know, could you wake him up when it happens? You said that, like, is there like a shaking or water? Well, he said he tried to talk to me during, but when it happens. You said that like, is there like a shaking or water? I don't know, that sounds awful. But nothing usually.

Yeah, the extent that I can think of in the moment is just, are you awake? And then no answer. Are you awake? No answer. So then I just stopped. These are the kinds of things where if you like went to see like someone who specializes in sleep,

you could start to document like, what was I eating that day? How many hours of sleep did I get was there anything else that that happened you know and how's your sex life when you're not sleeping it's getting a lot better since I've been listening to your podcast oh good I'm so glad to listen to as many haven't listened to as many. We started on a road trip, so I've listened to, what, like six hours? Oh my God, that's so many couples tell me that. They're like, we listened for 12 hours on a road trip.

I'm like, great, it's like therapy in the car. That's fun. Natalie, how do you feel when this happens? Do you feel upset by it? Are you like, really? I gotta wake up the kids soon. Like, how do you feel? Yeah, yeah, that last time really got me. It was weird replaying what had happened back to him.

I realized, yeah, there were like so many red flags and it took me such a long time to figure out that something was not right. Well, you got woken up in the middle of the night, though. Like, I think that if I got woken up, who would know in the middle of the night you're sleeping, right? You were sleeping. It's not your fault that you didn't know. I wouldn't know. I mean, when someone wakes me up, I don't know what I'm doing, right?

I could do the same thing. Yeah. We don't really know when it started because it could have been years of happening that. Well, you would know though, Natalie, right? If it's been happening for a while. Yeah. Or do you think, oh, all those times we had sex, because you do have sex when you're not sleeping. Yeah. Right. So you kind of know

the difference. Yeah. I think you also say I'm different, that I'm like more rough or I do things that I normally don't do. Yeah, like he won't say anything. He doesn't say anything? Yeah, I'm usually more thoughtful and like talking to her, making sure she's enjoying it and whatever. But yeah, I guess I don't talk in my sleep. So if it's anything that you're afraid of, I would definitely talk to like a specialist who could track it for you and kind of figure out,

you know, they don't really know why people have this. You know, and I did, you know, they don't. Par why people have this, you know, and I did you know, they don't paracenomia Sexsomnia, is there something that would wake him up the last time it happened She turned on the bathroom light that's woke me up because she never like usually gets up in the middle of night So plus I'm like hyper aware of the kids being awake like That wakes me up like just like something out of the normal. But I do have a alarm clock that has a bright light on it that you just have to hit a button and it turns on. So you think that would wake you up if you if she tapped that button and the light

went in your face with that? Is that something that you, Natalie, could kind of figure out to do if that happens? It'd be worth a try. Try it and And then you guys could figure out, what were we doing last night? What time did we go to bed? You could start tracking it on your own. One time I had a class. I had to write down my dreams. And I was like, I never remember my dreams. And then once we had to do it, it's like,

I remembered my dreams. It became part of it. So now that we're talking about this together, I feel like we have a plan now. And you'll be able to discern it right away. I'm more worried I'm going to do something that's not like we don't do anal, but I'm afraid that my sleep side would do that. I mean, Natalie, do you have any fear around that?

No, because I think even in our awake sex, we're always working on that communication. We're not like constantly talking to each other every second, but like checking in and stopping for a loo breaker. I think that you could be able to stop you before you went in for something painful. It sounds like you guys are on the same page here. Yeah. You got this. I'm not really worried about it.

Maybe you could just update me and let me know when it happens again and start to just write it down and track it. Okay. Okay. All right. Thank you for listening and being a part of the show I appreciate it. Thank you Sex on me now nothing I I've been with partners who wake up and have sex and sound this isn't something that I haven't heard about Before but usually we know we know when someone's doing it we can can kind of tell. But in this case, not so much. So I think if it is something that you have some fear around, there are sleep specialists. We did a great show with Michael Bruce, Dr. Bruce.

You can check out that episode. I love that the couple that they're listening to the podcast together, you guys, I can't recommend that the couple's enough. I know it's been really helpful for so many couples over the years. And I just appreciate everyone calling in and being real. And I love talking to couples.

So please, if there's a couple that wanna call in, I'm here for it. Okay, we have A, she's a female and she's 28 years old. Hi. Hi, how are you? I'm good, it's so fun to see you and talk to you and thank you for your podcast. Of course, I'm here for you.

How can I help? What's going on? So I've been sort of sexually active before, like with the hand jobs and load jobs and all that fun stuff, but I've never actually had penetrative sex. I've also realized this year why I've kind of stopped myself from that.

So like it's been a huge relief to kind of find out. Okay. But I'm at this point where I'm kind of like I want to have all of the experiences that sex gives but I'm not sure how to kind of step over this doorstep because I feel as if I do have some experience but also on this one point I feel like I have no idea and when I'm dating a guy and we're kind of hitting to that point and I just don't know how to act or what to do without being stupid but also I don't want to tell him like this whole backstory because I feel it's gonna kill the mood and I also don't feel he needs to know. So how do I act myself without being too stupid and kind of uncomfortable?

At age 28, I also feel a little bit like there's something wrong with me having not jumped over this one thing. Well, there's nothing wrong with you, but I can tell you that all day and we have to all believe it ourselves. But I think it's great that you've been honoring your body and honoring what felt right to you at the time in your life that it's happened. So, so many people just have sex because they feel like I got to check it off the list and it's,

I don't want to be seen as someone who hasn't had sex. And I think that there's nothing more empowering and powerful than a woman or any person who says, no, I'm not ready yet. And when I'm ready, I'll let you know. And now you're saying, I'm ready. You don't have to do anything you don't wanna do. You do not have to tell them that you haven't had penetrative sex before.

But maybe you're thinking, well, they're gonna know because something weird's gonna happen. Well, here's another way to reframe it. I hate the term virginity. I think that it's just something that's like a holdover, like you give someone your virginity and you lose term virginity. I think that it's just something that's like a holdover, like you give someone your virginity and you lose your virginity. What if it's your sexual debut?

I'm coming out and you're invited to this party, so you are invited. Even if this is just how you think about it, like you are deciding that you are ready to have sex and this person may or may not be lucky enough to be that person that gets to join you. It's like, I think that at 28 maybe you are, I don't know, we all think that it should have happened

already or all these people were having great sex. People might have had sex before, but it doesn't mean it was great or it doesn't mean that there's all these things that they know that you don't know. So I think your perception of what it means to have already had a lot of sex, it looks different than you actually believe.

What about, have you ever tried to put anything like your fingers inside of you? Have you felt that feeling of penetration or use a toy? Yes, I do. I not use the toy actually. I did get my first Actors and Sinker podcast. Amazing. I use fingers and I do like that.

And I've had fingers used on me. Okay, so what's your fear like okay if we walk through the wildest fear, your biggest fears happen, what happens? Like is it that you might have this reaction but they didn't know it was your first time or that something to be able to tell? If I don't tell the person and there is an either not doing fully what I'm supposed to or they realize during the act that either they're probably going to run out or accuse me of something like misleading them or I've had like previously some people have dated who like before like talking or knowing too much about each other like they said like oh I would never want to go out and date a virgin or something like that so have that being that of the bad thing so you're already there intimate with a

person it's already like I suppose that the person that would react and say oh really or that's weird that's strange like well you just got your invitation taken away but the person that's like, that's strange. You'd be like, well, you just got your invitation taken away. But the person that's like, yeah, oh wow, okay, that sounds really cool, I'd love to be a part of that. You know what it means? You had one person or a few people say something to you like, I wouldn't want to be with a, great,

well then, they're not your person. Do you know what I mean? I think this expectation that it's, everyone thinks that, which we all do that, we hear something once and we're like, well, every person's gonna think this about me. It's just not true. Because you'll find a kind, open, passionate lover

who says, okay, all right, well, thanks for telling me. Let's make this great for you. And I just, I would want that for you. I want you to have a good experience and I want you to be with someone who's honoring that experience for you rather than it. Because I still think that it's gonna be something that's to be a big deal for you and maybe maybe emotional maybe not but you don't want to have to not show up as your authentic full self during an experience that's

for you. That's why I would say I would try to at least find someone that is on the same page as you. Would you then talk to them about this, like when you're making out and it's sort of leading to something or a conversation beforehand? It depends on the person. I think it's always great to talk about it beforehand, but I do feel that you are having these situations with people where you think it's gonna be

more of a one-off experience and not someone that you are. Like I'd love to date someone and maybe like have sex and see where you're going But I'm not opposed to somebody like if I have a great feels good in the moment. Yeah Yes, exactly because I did realize I'm ready There's gonna be a lot of people around who are gonna want to be with you and I think just if you could just have that Moment where I'd like to maybe I'll see this person twice. Like make sure that you wanna see them again.

And then before you do see them again, it could be when you're making out, it could be when you know you're gonna see them again and just say something, but be the generation that talks about it, that normalizes sex conversations and just say, hey, I want you to know, had a great time on our date, or whatever, it was so hot making out with you,

I keep thinking about it and, you know, I think I'm ready to have sex or you know, but I think you're gonna know. These are all great questions but I just want you to take away the shame that you owe an apology and that there's anything wrong with you and then I think you're gonna know what to do in the moment. Mm-hmm. Thank you so much. Oh my god, thank you. Bye.

I got you. Have a good night. Bye. Alright guys, can we just take the pressure off of ourselves to be something that we're not sexually and that everyone's gonna be judging us or thinking this that we should be something else and show up in a different way. I don't know how to emphasize this enough to you guys to let you know that the more we show up in our most empowered selves and advocating for ourselves you know the more likely we are to find partners that are on board with our pleasure and our satisfaction. And I think that what we worry is gonna happen, like it's never what's gonna happen. It's not, it's just, I

think that we're all still living as like scared little fifth graders that people are gonna tease us like they did in fifth grade or something and and we are adults and we're making adult decisions with people who hopefully can kind of handle our emotions and and be there and show up for us and just think about it like don't you want to be having sex with someone that you would want to be your friend as well like someone you can rely on if you're something goes wrong or you know if you're having an emotional challenge or you need help with something or just be kind. Be with good

people. Like a good person and a kind person is gonna cherish and honor your decision to become a sexual being when you're ready and not when the rest of society thought you were ready. And I think that is a huge act of strength and independence. And it's sexy. Okay we have Tatiana she's a female and she's 19 years old. So tell me what's going on. The question was about eye contact during sex and that is a big thing for me. Okay it's so intimate to make eye contact with another person especially in a really vulnerable moment when you're having sex so just

know that you are not alone I don't know how much that you're 19 so it's not like you've been having sex for years and years okay and so is it something that you noticed you can't do it or did your partner bring up like why aren't you making eye contact no he never brought it up I noticed that I'm very self-aware so I noticed everything that's going on and I I noticed it. I'm very self-aware, so I notice everything that's going on. And I was like, you know, I'm so in love with him and I don't have any other confidence issues with anything. I can stare at him in any other moment that we're together, but it's just in that specific moment where I looked at him, but I get, when I do

and we lock eyes, I kind of just get a little like nervous and I'm like, okay And I kind of lose my confidence for a second. Okay. What do you ever make eye contact with him outside the bedroom? Oh, yeah all the time. Okay, like we're very yeah. Yeah. How long have you been with him? Okay, so yours you feel safe with him he's he's your guy right now Have you ever let him know that this is something that you feel nervous about? I don't think I've actually like addressed it to him. I think in the moment I've been a little like giggly or he sees that I get a little awkward

but I know he finds that really cute. Like my innocence is how I get a little like caught off guard. But I don't think I've actually like, hey, I have trouble looking at you while we have sex. So what happens, do you know what's happening? If we can take you back for a moment. Do you know what's happening in the moment? I think it's more of like,

I just want to see how he looks and how he feels in the moment. And then I'm also like, oh, I hope it's not awkward. I want to see if he's, just kind of to check up or see how he's feeling. And then sometimes I get a little scared. And then he looks also like, uh-oh, I hope it's not awkward. I want to see if he's just kind of the checkup or see how he's feeling. And then sometimes I get a little scared. And then he looks back at you. Maybe sometimes he doesn't.

Yes. Yeah. Oh no, he does. And I can see him looking at me from my peripheral vision or when I'm not looking at him, I could see him looking at me like the whole time. I think he has very intense, he maintains intense eye contact with me

and I see that and I know it. So I think that has very intense, he maintains intense eye contact with me and I see that and I know it so I think that makes me more intimidated. Confidence is not a place that you arrive. You don't just become confident one day and then it clicks and you never have to work on your self-esteem again. I mean I have days, moments where I'm like oh that wasn't a confident moment. So it sounds like though you are someone who's confident in a lot of situations, but maybe in this situation you get a little bit more insecure or intimidated, you know. Maybe you could tell him and say, you know what, I've noticed this thing happens. That when we're having sex and we're intimate, I always want to look at you when I look away. Because sometimes when we call it

out, like you could be having sex, you could look away and he could be like, look at me. If he sticks with you in that moment, and even if you look away again, you kind of take away the individual experience that you're having around it, it becomes about both of you, which that's the thing about eye contact. I think there's like a knowing when you really do connect with someone that's like, this is our moment.

And so he wants to have that with you. And then there's something that's happening. We don't know what, we're like, this moment is too much for me. But yet in all other ways, you're really committed to him, it sounds like. Oh, absolutely. So instead of it being something that you're struggling,

you know, struggling with on your own, you could take the power away from it or the charge by talking to him about it. I can definitely talk to him about anything. And I have before, I guess I just haven't with this. I don't know why. I guess I've just been trying to work on it on my own. I'm like, okay, I know I can kind of do this. But I think maybe it's getting better, but I still get kind of giggly. Or when I look too much at him, I kind of get a little just like, I kind of just get a little.

You could also, yeah. I mean, that's, but see that happens sometimes. I mean, that just means that you're still, you know, into him or it's bringing something up for you. There's also great practices. You could practice looking at each other when you're not having sex. Like I've even done, you know, group trainings where you had to like turn towards someone next to you in the room and you had to stare into their eyes

for like five minutes or something or three. And it was like, and then I turned and it's uncomfortable at first, but you just keep going because that's our exercise. And there's actually some intimacy experiences for couples that say like, to just sit on the bed or wherever, you know, sit on the couch and just turn towards each other,

just say, let's try to stare into each other's eyes for a minute or two. And even if you giggle then, you'll start to kind of build up your eye contact resistance. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, I definitely should do that more. Yeah, because I don't think I've really focused on it except for at that moment. So so yeah, I'll definitely mention it.

I don't know why I have it before. Whenever I kind of let my guard down or feel a little intimidated, then it kind of interferes with the act and being in the moment and then I get a little intimidated, then it kind of interferes with the act and being in the moment and then I get a little shy and then it kind of leads to me getting awkward verbally so I won't be as verbal as I want. Okay, during sex you mean? Yes. Will you believe Tatiana's if you're looking at him in a way that's confident then you'll be able to ask for what you want more efficiently or be talk dirty or is that what you're saying? Yeah I think that's what I'm feeling. I think I need to in order to kind of figure it out I need to start with the eye contact

and be able and then also the other thing is that I will have the eye contact for a moment and then when I'm being verbal during sex I cannot I can't do both of those at the same time. But that's okay I think you have a lot of expectations on yourself that is a practice for two also. I can't do both of those at the same time. But that's okay. I think you have a lot of expectations on yourself. That is a practice for two also. I don't know, and you say that he's staring you the whole time, but how do you know? Is he really like, there's ways to look like you're looking or maybe he's looking above. You're not looking at him, so you don't know. Maybe he's looking over your head, but you think he's looking at you. We don't know. So

that's a lot to be thinking about in the moment like am I looking at him? Am I saying the right word? So I would first take the pressure off yourself and just kind of experiment in little baby small ways of seeing could you actually be talking to him during sex without the eye contact? Could you do the eye contact and maybe not talk and then just kind of start to play with them. You'll move past this. No, absolutely. I just think it's all practice. It's either by yourself or communicating with him. That's what I feel for you Tessie and I feel good about this. I feel that way too. Yeah. Thank you so much for calling in. I appreciate it. Thanks for getting in touch.

Absolutely. Thank you so much for allowing me to talk and just I love all your posts. I was like, let me do this. I want to do this for myself and just to be confident even to do something like this and talk about sex. That's also something I'm getting used to. Yes, exactly. Well, this was very brave and also it helps so many other people. So you did a great service today for yourself and others. Thank you so much. Bye. Thank you. Bye. A lot of the

stuff that we are worried about and that we have so much fear around trying with our partner or saying to our partner gets a whole lot easier when we just have the confidence to have these little mini conversations. I think that maybe you could check yourself now and say, am I imagining this being a huge three-hour conversation? Maybe it's a ten-minute yourself now and say, am I imagining this being a huge three hour conversation? Maybe it's a 10 minute start to a conversation. But I promise you, the more that we put power behind these things

and communicate with our partners about the little things, it's gonna make the big things a whole lot easier. And then we get practice. Every time we do it, it gets easier and we have practice. And that's only gonna help us have stronger, more intimate relationships. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast

and share this with a friend or a partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, or X, and Facebook. It's all at Sex With Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up on SexWithEmily.com, and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559TALKSEX. That's 559-825-5739, or just go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at sexwithemily.com.