Sex With Emily - Hottest Hotline Calls

Episode Date: April 23, 2022

When you’re desperate to fix your sex life with your partner, what do you do? (You call me, of course.) Maybe the sex started hot, but got real boring. Or maybe you and your crush are finally hooking up…but the sex is meh, and it’s a huge letdown. What now?On today’s Best Of hotline show, I’m sharing some of my favorite listener questions and letting you listen in as we talk through solutions. We’ve got sex-stonewalling partners. Compersion vs. cuckholding. A self-described “lazy lover.” Bisexuality, plus a squirting tutorial. Trust me, if you’ve got the right communication skills, you can talk through anything: and on this episode, I help you make those sex talks way less gnarly. Show Notes:Our Yes No Maybe List Emily’s Shop Page The Magic WandThe Womanizer Boston Scientific New Low T Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Care for your sex life. It deserves the attention and love that you give everything else. Everything that you care about in your relationship, everything you prioritize, you don't just become a great athlete, you just become a great chef, you don't just become an excellent employee, it takes work, or all the things that we value, take effort. And I'm sorry to say, but this is a bummer to some of your buzzkill. Your sex life is one of these things. You're listening to Sex with Eppily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation

around sex. When you're desperate to fix your sex life with your partner, what do you do while you call me, of course? You know, maybe the sex started hot, but got real boring. Or maybe you and your crush are finally hooking up, but the sex is meh, and it's a huge letdown. Well, what now? Well, in today's Best of Hotline Show,

I'm sharing some of my favorite listener questions and letting you listen in as we talk through solutions. We've got sex stonewalling partners, compersion versus cuckolding, a self-described lazy lover, bisexuality, plus a squirting tutorial. Trust me if you've got the right communication skills, you can talk through anything. And on this episode, I help you make those sex talks way less gnarly. Alright, intentions with Emily for each episode join me in setting an intention for the show.

Well my intention is to show you how important communication is for all different aspects of your relationship and what a game changer it can be in the bedroom. Please rate and review sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, Hot Explore anal sex is is up at sexwithammy.com. And check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me, sexwithammy.com slash Ask Emily. Or just call my hotline, 559 Talk Sex, 559-825-5739.

Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. Totally cool to change your name if you want to remain anonymous. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. We can talk to Bob 59 in Texas. Hi Bob, what's going on? How can I help? Yeah, now I've been with the same lady for nearly 40 years. We've had an awesome relationship all the way through.

I filmed just the last few years. And of course we've had our life changes with that kid growing and going and kind of got the emptiness thing going on now. But her need, even so much as I do, sexual relations have just really dwindled the nothing. As a guy, you have a tendency to think it's all your fault and not help. The biggest thing is that soon, maybe it was a lack of attention and not paying attention to the right things. But if she happens to get interested, you know, she enjoys a little oral and fast stimulation, but that is very rare.

Just looking for things that I might take to as a guy to help get her maybe back in the mood again. Is she your age as well, Bob? Is she about 59? Yeah, she's about a year younger than me. Okay. When did you stop being less intimate? I would say it become very, very noticeably slow, maybe about five years ago. Somewhere around 55, 54 or somewhere along in there. I know she's going through or going through her

mental follow-up changes, and I know that has a lot to do with things. One minute she's present, and then she can't have to close on. But it's just the overall I think the thing that it's hurt me the worst it's almost like she does not want to lay hands on me for any reason. Have you talked to her about this, Bob? Have you let her know how much you miss your ex-boyfriend life? She's hard to talk to, always has been. In the sense of, now, you know, if you're having a conversation about the cats, that's okay.

So when you get the personal matter, she gets, she gets very sensitive. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry, Bob, this is so easy. It was more of a, not my problem about this is so easy. It was it was more of a not my problem at your problem and she has never been one to offer Nor participate in any type of hand stimulation on my side No hand just Right and it's not gonna be no oral that's that's just given and she won't give you a blow job

No oral sex you're talking about something that's very common in couples, especially as you get older, she's going through menopause. We've had a lot of climps, it's just how hard, because the body does change. Our hormones drop, we have more dryness, women have less lubrication, less desire. All of that is true, but it's not a fixed state. So our brain, our brain is the most powerful sex organ. So if we can leave our brain, you know, active somehow, if she could be willing to say, yeah, I know this is an important part of our commitment to each other is that we both agree to work on our intimacy. And I think that this happens to women and happens to men where they're like, I've had enough sex or I'm done with it, but it's

just she can't she can't just say I'm no longer doing it. So would she be does she move her body is she healthy? No, she's never been that word about his opposite is the scop and I play bowl as athletic forever. She's a, I call her my multifaceted girl. You know, she's just not a, she's not much for outside activities. And I think there's theories of if I got to get sweaty, it may not be worth doing. Right, would she be willing to?

I think in some of, right now, I think it's the effort it takes, you know, to be part of. I understand what you're saying, and I get these calls that people are struggling with this. And I just, it's really just a matter of letting her know that it's really something that's important to you. And it's also about your tone and how you bring it up. And saying, I really miss our connection.

It could start with background. It could start with Hannah. Yeah, I mean, you gotta tell her this in a way that's really loving and really, you know, you love each other. You've been together for 40 years. And I think that maybe there's a way if you keep bringing it up in a loving way, that's curious and saying, how can we problem solve this? I think we can both agree that our intimacy is really important.

I come across your program by accident, but there's some topics that you've talked about about where to bring up conversations and not bring up conversations and I was like crap I never thought about that you know. Yeah, timing tone and turf you don't do it in the bedroom don't do it when you're angry don't do it when you're hungry. Yeah, I know, yeah, no, and I make the first few times that I tried to bring it up was daring or you know, I don't your sexiest movie possibly never dream of it it just pl or you know, I don't know, in your sexiest movie, possibly never dreamed of it, it just flops, you know, or crap. And then you're like, you never want to have sex.

That's the problem. We often bring it up when we feel rejected again. We're like, I goddamn it, we never have sex, but when you bring it up out of the blue, find a time Bob, when you guys are hanging out and you're having a lovely time, maybe it's dinner or she's feeling, you feel like you're in a great mood over breakfast, you can say, baby, I've got to talk to you about something.

I really miss our intimacy. I miss the way we used to connect and have sex and be intimate. And that's something that I really need. And I think that you might need it too, but I understand what you've been going to and it can be hard. I've got some ways that maybe we could figure this out. We could go to therapy. You could go to your hormone doctor.

We could start to do massage and find ways, I know. So Bob, these are all the ways you know you've been listening. I don't have the magic bullet for you, but I do have ways that you could try to have the conversations with her again and let her know how important it is. Okay, Bob? Yeah.

So just have one conversation and then call me back and let me know it goes. Thanks, Bob. You guys, this libido thing is every age, it happens to couples that there's mismatched libido and there's typically one partner who has the high desire and one partner has a low desire, right? And typically the partner who has a low desire has all the power and the relationship. That's the one who holds the sex power. They're the one who decides, yes, it's on, no, it's off. And that is tricky. So this is what I recommend. If you're listening

this right now and you are in a place in your relationship where you're like, everything's great. God. So that we're not there. Gosh, we're gross. Sex is like, woo. But now it's 10 years later or 20 years later, and they don't have the foundational communication skills to move through these really, really crucial challenges in a relationship. They just never built them, because you can't just snap those into place

after years, it's hard. So right now, you could even go home and tell your partner, you know, I was driving along, listening to this show, Sex with Emily. Dr. Emily was saying that couples need to communicate about their sex life for it's gonna go south, babe. I am so glad that our sex life is amazing. I love the sex rabbit.

I never wanna end up and not be the couple that has sex and end up not talking about it. So what, let's, why don't we start talking about right now? Even though it's amazing, can you make a pack with me's, why don't we start talking about right now, even though it's amazing? Can you make a pack with me that we could maybe try talk about even right now? Like, is there anything with our sex life? I think it's great.

Anything you want to try. Here's what I want to try. And see how that conversation goes. Because then it becomes a pattern. And I dare I say, I don't make any promises, but what tends to happen is when couples both get on board with having the sex conversation, they get excited about it, it becomes something really fun to talk about. But I just need you all to help you get all over the hump and

the fear of talking about it. I would love to throw this out there to the listeners and say, as soon as you start having sex with someone, or perhaps the relationship starts getting more serious, maybe even you're thinking, oh, I think this is my person. I think I want to spend the rest of my life with them. Have the conversation and say, sex is really so important to me. Intimacy, communication. I want to make sure that I'm in a relationship where we support healthy communication around sex. How do you feel about that?

Can you imagine how many people would be saved so much heartache if that person said, I will never talk, yeah, I hear what you're saying, but I don't believe in talking about sex. Not anything I ever want to do. Well, then you have your information. Then you know, oh, wow. Hmm, does that someone I think that don't think that we're aligned? But the problem is we talk about do we want kids? Do we want to live in the city? Do we want to live in the country?

What religion are we gonna practice? You know what's our? You know lifestyle choices, but we don't ever talk about sex like the dirty secret The dirty topic that we won't talk about we won't Because we assume it's always gonna be amazing like it was at the beginning that doesn't happen. You don't, everything changes. Our weight changes, our health changes, our workout habits, our eating habits,

the foods we liked 10 years ago, we did not like now, the clothes we wear. I mean, sex is exactly the same thing. It's not a destination, your sex life. It's not like, okay, check it off the list. We've got the sex under wraps. It's like everything else. It is a process and it's always changing

throughout your lifetime. After you have kids perhaps, your body changes and you're really busy with children or you're really stressed out with work or you've a death in the family or you change jobs or you go through menopause, you get older, you have a disability, something happens.

I mean, these all of these things impact your sex life. But if you don't have the tools in place to have healthy communications around sex, you're never going to be able to have a sex life that is healthy and satisfying for the long term. It's not going to happen. I've seen this, I hear this. Care for your sex life. It deserves the attention and love that you give everything else.

Everything that you care about in your relationship, everything that you prioritize, you don't just become a great athlete, you don't just become a great chef, you don't just become an excellent employee, it takes work, or all the things that we value, take effort. And I'm sorry to say, but this is a bummer to some of your buzzkill,

your sex life is one of these things. Let's talk to Rick in Ohio. Hi, Rick, what's going on? Thanks for calling. Not much. I just want to say that I definitely am attracted to both sexes, but I feel like I'm leaning more towards the matter. Is it possible to be, you know, bi-sexuals?

Absolutely. Oh, bisexuals, really? Yeah, I mean, you can be attracted to men, women, all genders. I definitely have been with men, and I really enjoy being with men. At the same time, I'm attracted to women, but I feel more carpool sometimes too. Yeah, I think that that's totally fine. I think what you're looting to is that people think there's no such thing as being bisexual.

But like, how could you tell a whole group of people that they don't exist? It's not a phase, it's not a thing. And I think that there's a lot of people who are bisexual and they just go through a lifetime of repressing it because they don't understand how you could be attracted to all genders. They might be attracted to trans people.

They might, to everyone. So yeah, Rick, has it been a problem for you or you're just wondering about the labels here? Well, no, it hasn't really been a problem. I mean, like, for instance, I've been with a guy now for, you know, a good eight to nine years, but at the same time too, if I'm watching something like dancing with the stars

or if there's a attractive girl on a commercial, I find attractive. I mean, I'm not gonna dance around and not look, but I mean, no, it hasn't met a problem. And I'm not really into labels or anything, but I think sometimes I feel like I catch myself doing a double glance at the times and with both genders. That's great that you allow yourself to do that. You know, and people just don't. And in fact, there's a lot of men who are attracted to men and they you probably know these guys and they and they feel such shame around it that they end up

becoming you know homophobic they end up hating themselves so that they hate others who are gay so you know i'm not like i mean i'm glad i'm saying you're a good example, Rick, of a man who's being totally honest with yourself. Even at home, I've got a play girl magazine, but yet I've got a playboy magazine. I enjoy looking at both from time to time. Yeah, to me, I think that means that you are open. Think about it. Everyone was paid attention to their bisexuality or that they could be that sex is a spectrum,

just like gender isn't binary. You know, our biology, and so that's true that, you know, isn't either that sex exists on the spectrum, but I think that that's what Kinsey talked about is that sex is a spectrum, and a lot of us women are more likely to be on the four or five's when you think that one is straight. Have women been a little bit more open about that over the years, are there more women

that are more like that or just? I think that women are more openly, women tend to be more bisexual. We tend to hear about it more, they tend to act on it more. Because I believe there's less of a stigma and you're seeing it more in culture and it's just more accepted overall. It's not visible, but men don't see this.

Men don't see it as much, right? That you can be bisexual. I think women have been that way for years though, right? I think that men and women have always existed in spectrum sexually, but I think that there's more permission given to women and there's more celebration of women being bisexual than men. But I think it's always been the case, but I think for many men, they just keep it down and they're so afraid of the repercussions

And our society says that if you're bisexual, you're just gay. So that's not fair for men. Yes, you're absolutely right That is the stigma is there for men and not for women. I totally agree. I think maybe that might have been my original question I just didn't know how to ask that. Yeah, that's it. I think that now we give people more Permission. This is why Rick, I love that you're calling in, but I think if you really give people permission to expand their minds and to think about it, that people could kind of go try something out, dabble in experiencing things sexually with the other gender, but I don't think it does ran the same gender. Yeah, same gender, same gender. Exactly. Okay, I get that. Yeah, okay, cool. I experimented. I enjoy it. I like it. It's fun. Yeah. Good. Okay, I get that. Yeah, okay. Cool.

I experiment, I enjoy it, and I like it. It's a lot of fun. Yeah. Good. Well, I'm glad that you found that, and you're with a partner who's understanding as we all should be. I want that, everybody. My biggest thing is I love sucking penis.

It's the screen. Yeah, me too. But yeah, I've dabbled two with women, you know? So, but that's, you don't have to give it up. Here's the thing. If we could be more open about this thing and we could be more open about what we're actually attracted to and we didn't talk about gender

and we just were attracted to what we were attracted to, you know, now we call it like pansexual. And I think that's the way to live and I think that's where we're going now, Rick. I think that in society, this won't be a popular statement, but I think that now that there's more permission and there's more information and there's more education around sexuality being a spectrum

and about gender not being binary or sexuality is not binary either. And so I think that just allowing people to see that it's okay be attracted to what you want, who you want, and just be honest and be open about it that we would give others permission. Just like me, you talk about this right now, Rick. I promise you, I was giving some other people permission to feel better about their own

choices, actually, or maybe there's some people who have felt that they don't want to come out, and now, by hearing this, they want to. They're thinking, okay, well, Rick's doing it. Rick's open. I'm okay. Yeah, thank you, Rick. Thanks for calling. I appreciate it. Let's talk to... Wow, these are both good. Rob 37 in Texas. Hi Rob, what's going on? Hey Dr. Emily, thanks so much for taking my call. I can imagine you reading it up front going, wow, I want to... No, I do Rob, it's a really good question. I actually love this. I want to talk to you about this.

I'm like, yes, bring it. Excellent, excellent. Well, so Emily, last year you gave me the word compersion. I called in and asked about thoughts that I had and things that I had experienced with my wife. And we both enjoyed. And you gave me the word compersion, which I've

read up on it since then and studied it. And have fallen in love with the word because that's exactly what it was And the reason why I like the word compersion is because I don't like the word cuckolding Everything I've read about cuckolding has a kind of degrading type of sense to it and that's not anything close to what I feel on the degrading side I enjoy seeing the pleasure that somebody else gets, you know, from an external point of view rather than being physically wrapped up in the moment

like when she and I are intimate together and is amazing. I get a different sense of a mental pleasure out of seeing it in another situation. But in talking with her about that and discussing those types of things outside the bedroom thanks to your advice. She kind of gets it sometimes that I want her to be with other people

and that's not it. It's not that I want her to be with other people so that I enjoy the seeing pleasure from an external point of view. If that makes sense and I'm just having trouble having that discussion without her thinking that I truly just want her to go be with other men, which is not the truth and and okay. You'll see what you thought. Yeah, no, this is great. Let me just kind of catch everyone

up here. What I talk about is compulsion. And that is a word that people who are in open relationships, or they swing, or they cuckold, it means that you actually, and this is a stage that people go through, and you can get there from some people that they actually get joy and Pleasure from seeing their partner have sex with someone else be intimate with someone else that truly gives you joy that your Partner is being pleasure by somebody else and that is something that I've seen You know, I think I was talking about it in reference to open relationships and people are like oh god I would be so jealous if my partner was with someone else. I said, well, ultimately, for many people,

I know who do in the right way. They have compersion. They actually get through the jealousy and say, well, I'm really glad that my partner is experiencing that. I'm happy when you're happy, right? So if your partner gets a raise and you're like, oh, babe, I'm so genuinely happy for them. But then cuckolding, it's typically men

watching their female partners or wives have sex with another man. And you're right, it does have negative connotations in the sense of the man watching, it's the most disgraceful thing you can imagine, and then actually watching that somehow twists on it and makes you feel even so worse that it turns into an erotic pleasure. You know, and what you're saying is no, you don't feel any shame around it. Rob, has you guys opened up the relationship?

It all has there been any swinging or playing with other people? Early in our relationship, we have done that. And we don't really do it as much anymore because kids are involved and life gets in the way. However, occasionally we will go to a club here in Texas that allows on-site type of activities. And we just play with ourselves, however it is

and at times in group settings. So, you know, we don't have any problems with that and don't have any problems with other people. But yes, we do have that in our history and that is times open and it is fantasized about and talked about just not really experienced as much at all as it has in the past. But some of the underlying features are still there with the compersion that I have mainly.

I don't expect to be with another woman, but I do get the pleasure out of seeing her being pleasure in different types of situation. It could be with another woman. It could be with another man. Both of those things have happened But she sometimes in a negative light It's when there's too much stress or anxiety Things that I have I'm hung up on a fantasy that I want her to go out and be with other men and that's over the edge

That's nowhere near close to what I feel Okay, so I get that so you're saying that you actually need a more pleasure when you are watching her with someone else. What does she want, Rob? What turns her on? Interestingly enough that the past six months, she has discovered how to squirt and squirt multiple times. And so that's been her big turn on lately. And mine too is that we've discovered

this newfound ability that she has and how they get her to that point. So. Yeah. Right. Does she want to be her to that point. So yeah, right. Does she want to be with other people? Like does she want that right now, current day? Well, we talk about it at times, but I can't tell whether she's saying that to please me in a fantasy mode or whether that's something that she that she really wants because, you

know, it's different times of, you know, alcohol involved and party and all night and hormones getting involved. But I can't really break that down enough to see whether that's truly a want or that's something that she's saying because she knows that that's what i want even in a fantasy type of situation well that's what we got to get to then about i don't think it's about her believing in comparison or not i think it's just another you said you listen timing tone and turf outside the bedroom conversations this is something that you need to have again and again

and to be open and curious and honestly, how long have you been together Rob? We've been together for 15 years. Okay. I feel like when we're authentically ourselves and we keep carrying down the walls and all the things that we put up that she would know that this is something you authentically derive to you that you're not getting mad at her, you're not getting angry with her. So I just think that there has to be just more talking and unpacking and I think that a lot of the stuff

that we want our part, I wish they would just get this is education, exploration, listening to shows together or reading together. I don't know why, you know, again, a lot of times when our partners won't see it, maybe there's something else going on with her, like all I could think is maybe she doesn't actually really wanna be swinging or seeing other people.

Because what would be the thing if she doesn't believe, Comparison, what's the opposite of that? She believes that you actually don't feel good about it. Like what is her belief around you wanting to see her with other men? I don't know. I don't know if she thinks that maybe I expect the inverse of that to be with another woman because I don't and I don't have those wishes. We should talk about that.

We should talk about that. We should tell them with other couples and I have it just sometimes talking to it gets exhausting on her side. It's almost like she feels like I beat it into the ground. I'm a communicator and she's not as much. We have to listen to you know, really listen, ask questions, get curious, tell me more about that. So you think it's that I really want something else. Well, tell me more about that, tell me more about that. So you think it's that I really want something else. Well, tell me more about that, tell me more about that, and just ask her questions to practice.

Listening is a practice. And so I think that everyone can talk and communicate. They just have to feel safe. And so I think you just have to have a little bit different kind of conversation Rob with her. You have to really listen, really pay attention, because I don't think it's about the comparison version coupled in. It just sounds like there might be something else going on, and I'm not sure what it is, but I think Rob is a communicator you could get there. If you really want this. Absolutely. I will definitely do more listening.

I promise. Okay. Thanks, Rob. Keep me posted. Okay. Let me know. Go. Thank you so much.

Of course. Thank you for calling. Of course. I appreciate you too. All right. We're going to do a quick break with Don't Go anywhere. Afterward for our sponsors, I'll be answering more of your questions. Shauna 40 in Rhode Island has a question. Hi Shauna, thanks for calling. Hi, thanks for taking my call. Of course.

So I have a dilemma. I have known this guy since high school. And we all kind of had a flirtatious relationship. And throughout the years, I've always had high sexual chemistry and all that, but I just never worked out. So now, all these years later, we finally got together. We've been dating for two years,

and sexually, I'm very disappointed. And it's just not what I thought it was going to be, all those times that we just messed around and never took it all the way. And now that we have, it's just not all that. And it's not very well endowed. And I just don't, I don't know if that should be a deal breaker or not. Well, tell me what isn't as good besides his penis size. We could circle back

to that but how is he not a great lover to you? How is it not great sex? What's the challenges? I feel like he kind of has some ED issues so that's part of it But I think it's more just that he's more of a WAM band thank you, ma'am, and not really into doing, you know, he just wants to get right to sex. And I think maybe part of it is that he's worried that he's not going to keep it up. He's had some ED issues. So maybe he just wants to get it done in over with. And I'm like, no. Of course not. Yeah. Have you ever talked to him about this? Does he know what you need and what you require and what turns you on?

Yeah, I kind of have, yes, but I don't think he doesn't want to satisfy me. I just think it's more of a confidence thing. And that's that he's not confident, but I think he's worried that he won't be able to perform. Yeah, that's probably it too. So these are all things that you talk about outside the bedroom. When you're hanging out, not in the bedroom,

not right after it happens, but you say, I want to talk about our sex life. And I know that this happens. Now is he PE or ED? Like he gets hard and can't stay hard or he ejaculates in a minute. No, he has trouble getting hard. And he's taken like C see Alice and Viagra.

And I feel like that doesn't get him as hard as he really should be. Yeah, so I bet you all of those are true. But if I feel like he's got to know what pleases you and that, you know, I think that for a lot of men, you know, how is he your age too, is he 40? Yep, yep. OK, because you know testosterone starts

to drop with men after 40. It could be something with that, but it could be anxiety. Maybe after being with you, maybe he's worried or he wants to be a good lover and he can't be a good lover, but this is the kind of thing. If everything else is great, but the sex,

I would find out and say, listen, I didn't realize, we haven't talked about it in this way. Because a lot of couples just talk about it at the bedroom and that's just not as effective and just say, let's talk about our sex life. I know this is what I require. I realize that this is how what I require for orgasm is you could fill in the blanks there and just say I know that it's frustrating, you know, with your erectile challenges and

I'm just wondering, you know, what are you into or what can we do together? Like maybe you could get his testosterone checked. I mean, I just think he has to understand like how would you feel Shana if he made sure you had an orgasm? Like he went down on you or he used a toy or his fingers. Would you be okay with that? Cause I don't know if he doesn't know by now cause some men don't know what pleases women or maybe he doesn't know.

I would think so. I mean, I would be totally open to that. I almost feel like he's not as open to different things like that. And which is so surprising, considering all leading up to us finally, I mean, we feel like we finally are here at the point that we've always wanted to be at.

And then it's like such a letdown when you were so sexually frustrated for so many moments, and then finally you do it, and you're like, my gosh this is not that great. I get it, Sean, but I'm going to say it's been two years and so that's a long time for you to be sexually frustrated because my mission here at Sex of the Emily is to get people to talk about it right away but most people don't, Sean, I mean I hear from people like in the same situation all of some of them are married for 20 years and they've never talked about it.

So I would say that before you ditch it, I think that having a conversation and saying exactly what you just said to me, maybe that you're not sure what I need. I know we haven't talked about it. I know this might be awkward. Like, be honest and say, I didn't think it was okay to talk about it

or I didn't want to upset you, but this is what great sex means to me. I really like to feel connected and I like when you tease me or talk dirty to me or whatever the things that are that you need, Shauna, give them a chance to figure out ways to please you. I just think, oh, if I have sex with a guy in his 40s, well, he's going to know everything. Nope. It's about men who've actually paid attention and maybe had a partner who explained to them

what they needed, but he just might not know. Maybe he's been getting away with just hammering away for the last whatever 20 years. He wants to please me. I mean, I know he does. Well, here's the thing. You could say, I know that you want to please me, and I know that we both want to be great lovers to each other. But I thought I could make it easier for you to explain what that actually means to me. Let me tell you what I need. And then you can tell me what you need. And maybe he'll reveal something we had no idea. Like, this is why it's so fun actually. Once you get past the part where it's uncomfortable,

most couples thrive when they can communicate around sex. And then you'll know, Shana, if he says to you, oh, I can't talk about this, or I bought into perlizing women, then you know. But if he's like, wow, thank you. I've been thinking about it. And then this could be a rebirth. And as far as like the size thing, I mean, I've been with people who weren't huge or anything.

I think it's just the fact that he's not super hard. That's part of it too. Yeah, I would think that after two years of it not being that hard and taking Viagra or testosterone, I mean, I think that he could get, you know, there's a lot of great penis technologies now. There's something called Boston Scientific, his overall health as he gets tested, as he houses blood work look,

because if there's a problem with your heart or your brain, there's probably a problem with your penis. Yeah. And there's something called new low T, any LOWT I believe that he can just call and tell a house Like they can give him a bunch of tests to figure out what's going on with his penis Like so I think that he probably wants to deliver for you as well. He just maybe hasn't known what to do. Yeah Well, thank you. Those are all of course. That's all very great advice

Keep me posted. Let me know how the first conversation goes. I'll be here. Okay, Sean. All right. I'll do that. Yeah. See guys, it's never about the size. Necessarily. Let's talk to Cindy 55 in New Orleans. Hi, Cindy. So I have a question for you. I'm very, very lucky. My husband and I have a wonderful sex life, my multi-organic, and about four or five years ago, my husband was able to get me to squirt, and now he is obsessed. He wants me to do it again, and I've been like, no, no, I don't want to try this again. I don't know what I did that caused it to happen, it just, it happened. So I'd like to go ahead and fulfill his fantasy of having me do that again, but how does it happen? I mean, what did I do?

I mean, a lot of times it has to do, did it happen? Was he using his fingers or were you having sex? Was he using a toy? Do you remember what was happening? And I can maybe I can explain to you more. Sure. He was using his fingers. OK.

And I was standing and he was sitting on the left seat. Oh, okay. Well, this makes sense. So if you were standing, it means that your legs were closer together, you were probably tensing and relaxing your pelvic floor muscles. And you were probably clenching them together a little bit tighter too. So when you're standing, I actually, that's a really great way to sport. I've sported that way.

And so I think that's probably why you were squeezing your pelvic floor muscles. He was using his fingers to penetrate you going in and out and hitting your g spot. So maybe try that again. It really is just continual stimulation of the g spot. It helps to already be aroused to have like a clitoral orgasm first. For some moment it helps to like kind of rub over the pubic mound like right above your clitoris. Using the magic wand vibrator Kind of works for a lot of people. Yeah. Yeah use that over your pubic mound

Have him use his fingers and then place the magic wand on your pubic mound But that's where you pie pressure with it. I'm telling you it's been like this We had the owners of magic wand a few months ago We love them and I'm like have you heard this a lot too? They're like yeah all the time So that's what happens the owners of Magic One a few months ago, we love them. And I'm like, have you heard this a lot too? They're like, yeah, all the time. So that's what happens. I was in the dark for years. Yes.

Before I ever even discovered you, I was reading up and found one and I thought, this is a good toy. Amazing. You know, they even, you know, it's what, I don't know when you got it, but they have one that's wireless now, a cordless. Ooh.

Yeah, it doesn't even need to plug it. Yeah, you don't need to plug it in. And it's just as powerful. It's cordless. I know. It was huge when that came out four years ago. Like we had a parade. It was only in our office, but we were excited. Yeah, so that's what it is. It's all G-Spot. Play with the toys, play with the fingers, and stand up straight. That all makes sense to me.

So I was trying to recreate that. Okay, awesome. I'm a philharist, man. All right, go ahead. Do we want to go ahead? Don't feel pressure, Sydney, but you know why not? See how it goes again. Thanks, awesome. All right, go to me. You want to go? Don't feel pressure, Sydney, but you know why not? See how it goes again. Thanks, Sydney. Next up, we have Jim, 49 in Texas, who needs some help, relax and during sex.

Hey, Jim, tell me everything. Hey, gang, how are you guys doing? We're so good. Okay, so what's on your mind during sex? That's great. I get it. But I just, I guess, mostly worrying about getting interaction I get. Okay, because you haven't been getting one lately or...

That is, again, it's very inconsistent. Okay. And at times, I've actually lost some weight, and I've exercised in a lot more, and I've been doing a lot more things, and I've been dead for some reason. I've actually had a harder time getting an erection. Okay. You've taken any medications? No.

Okay. And also, have you gotten your testosterone checked? Your hormone levels checked. I have not. That's where I would send you first. I'm telling you, you know, over 40, you're with the men, your testosterone levels drop. And if you're otherwise living a healthy lifestyle, I would think that losing weight and exercising

and being healthy would never impact. And if you're still into your partner and you're still like enjoying it, there's not like resentments build up. And it's just really like, oh my God, my penis usually stays hard and not, it's not, or I can't get hard. I would talk to your doctor and get your levels checked.

If that's the reason I can't relax. Yeah, and then I get to think sometimes getting really relaxed is that it's worse to watch better, obviously, but then other times I'm almost ahead of time thinking, okay, I'm gonna have a problem here. And then I have a problem. Right, okay, so this is so great. So Jim, this is like the classic,

like this happens to everybody, men and women, we're like, it only has to happen one time for guys, sometimes to premature ejaculate or not get hard, and then they all, it becomes like the self-affilling prophecy, right? Like self-affilling penis, I've tried to be like self-affilling penis prophecy that you're like, oh, I'm not gonna get hurt I'm not gonna say it and then it's gonna happen. So I would say that it's really about retraining your brain And this is just the same. Have you ever done any like mindfulness or meditation? Exercises Jam is he gone? Have you ever done any like mindfulness or meditation exercises?

Jam, is he gone? Thank you, he's gone. You know, it's like, the thing I want to tell you is that we all do this during sex. We like orgasm block ourself, or we get so in our heads about how do I look? What is my part and think? Or that like, I'm not going to have an orgasm

because I never have an orgasm. And then sure enough, you're not going to have an orgasm. So my best tips is that like go easy on yourself, but then also learn to kind of retrain your brain to when you're in going to have an orgasm. So my best tips is that like go easy on yourself, but then also learn to kind of retrain your brain to when you're in that moment, like the second your thought goes to, I'm not going to have an orgasm, you have to replace it with,

for me what works is being in the moment. Like, okay, I go to that thought, and then I think, oh, I'm looking at my partner. I'm feeling my hands on their body. I try to incorporate all of my senses, so like touch my hands are my partner's body. I'm seeing my partner's beautiful face. I'm smelling this amazing candle that I just lit.

I'm hearing the music. And when you anchor yourself in what's happening present time in the moment, you can't be in your head tripping about an erection or about your orgasm. It just, it immediately drops into the moment. And I do that even when I'm just like, during the day, if I'm stressed about something, I try to remember to do that.

So that also can help you during sex, but then, so now it's bringing your partner into it. Like I think sometimes we silently suffer through the stuff when partners were like, oh, I hope he doesn't notice that I get an erection, or, you know, he's with her, she didn't notice. Yeah, I hope she didn't notice that like, I'm whatever, that I'm,

or I'm concerned to have him last time and we'll have happened to get this time more. I can't have an organ, and we just, and then we just trip it up. If you're like, listen, I'm whatever, that I'm concerned that I have one last time and will have happened again this time more. I can't have an organ, and then we just trip it up. If you're like, listen, I realized the last few times I know that one time I make an erection, but I really believe the last three times, because I'm freaking tripped about it. And then if your partner's like, okay,

that they can laugh about, I'm telling you, you have some levity, then you'd be like, oh, okay, you don't think it's a big deal. I don't think it's a big deal, then I might just pop up. They're good. By pop up, I think it really is. Look what popped up, look what's showed up think it's a big deal, I don't think it's a big deal, then I might just pop up. They're good, by pop up. I think it really is. Look what popped up, look who showed up, it's my erection. Welcome to the bedroom, it's been a while.

[♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily.

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