Sex With Emily - How Do I Stop Being So Jealous

Episode Date: January 20, 2021

We’ve all felt the ache of jealousy creeping into our relationships—but where does it come from and how can you handle it so it doesn’t destroy your relationship? A little bit of jealousy is normal, but when it turns into anger and possessiveness, you have to learn to acknowledge and work with it. Today, I’m explaining how jealousy works, what you can learn from it, and how to deal with the insecurities so it doesn’t corrode your relationships.I’m also answering questions about how to help your partner out of their sexual shell, dating after divorce, how often you can have anal sex, and so much more.For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. We've all felt the ache of jealousy, creeping to our lives. It happens to us from time to time, but where does it come from and what the hell are you supposed to do with it? Now, jealousy is part of being a human being, it's normal. But today, I'm explaining how jealousy comes from inside you, not your partner, what you can learn from it. Like, what is your jealousy trying to tell you

and how to work through it so it doesn't corrode your relationships or your life? I also answer your questions about how to help your partner get out of their sexual shell. Get them to open up sexually. We also talk about dating after divorce. How often you can have anal sex and so much more. All right, intentions with Emily.

Freech episode, I want to start off by setting an intention. It really helps ground you in the episode so it sticks with you. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? It could be, I want to figure out why I'm always so jealous of my partner's ex. My intention is to help you acknowledge and work through jealousy so you and your relationship can thrive. Enjoy the show. Let's talk about jealousy for a minute before we get into calls. A lot of you email me all the time about how jealousy is impacting your relationship.

Either you are with a jealous partner, maybe they are trying to control who you spend time with or telling you to unfollow people on Instagram or maybe you're the jealous one and you know, you just don't trust in them at all and you're not sure how to stop being a jealous partner. Your partnership will suffer if you let jealousy go unchecked. But the first step is just being honest with yourself and that eventually your partner

that you're jealous, we're going to get to the bottom of it. So then you can create a healthier relationship. So I'm going to give you a few steps to combat jealousy. Just kind of reframe the way you look at it. And also my producers are here, Colin and OV. Hi. If your partner has done something and the trust has been broken in your relationship, maybe they cheated on you,

or maybe they lied about a financial situation, you're going to need a professional therapist, a counselor, to come in and help you rebuild the trust. Because trust can take years to build and it just takes one infraction for it to fall apart. And no matter how much time passed or how often your partner says, I'm sorry, I've never seen it healing without the help of a therapist. So we're not talking about that today. We're talking about real jealousy, you know, that it's sort of pervasive in your life and you've

seen it throughout several relationships and you know you're a jealous person. So this is how I want you to look at it. Before we get into the steps, you can look at jealousy a little bit different. I'm going to read an email from Stacey, who identifies as a man and lives in Los Angeles. Dear Dr. Emily, I suffer from retrospective jealousy. Never at the beginning of a relationship,

but after a time, I began ruminating about her previous lovers and whether they might have been better than me, whether she preferred her love making with them. I think this is a good thing to want to be her best lover ever, but it is a bad thing to need to be her best lover. Bad for me, bad for her. To quench this at-time searing jealousy, trying to block out thoughts of my girlfriend's

having her best love making in another man's arms, I set out to learn as much about sex as I could. I felt that with enough information about making love and technique and toys, I'd become anyone's best lover. And though I learned a great deal about intimacy and communication and courage and sex and female anatomy, giving oral sex and making women calm, the jealousy never left. And my situation got worse if my lover had a lot of partners or even evidence of having a lot of really good sex.

I make no guess about your history, Emily, but I would be intimidated by you and in time very jealous of the good sex in your past, which you allude to in your master class. If you were my girlfriend and I brought my jealous feelings out in the open to you, what may you say to me? Why do I need such validation? Take care and have a new year. Alright, thanks for your email, Stacey. I really appreciate it.

And let's get into this for a minute. First off, he mentions the master class. And I do have a master class. If you maybe you've got a subscription for the holidays, you can find that at masterclass.com slash Emily Morse, M-O-R-S-E. This is a side note, but if your partner asks you, how many people have you slept with? Remember, that is a leading question that usually leads to jealousy and heartache.

I've never seen that handled well. Maybe you slept with too many people or not enough. You are seen as having too much experience or not enough experience. And so what I'm saying is you can also turn to your partner and say, babe, all I'm thinking about right now is the incredible sex that we're having and just shut it down. Okay. So let's get into my steps for turning your jealousy around. First step, just be honest about jealousy's impact and acknowledge it. Ignore the problem. Understand that jealousy is always about you rather than the other person. It just is. But just know pretending you aren't jealous is a problem too. We can't solve

any problems if we don't acknowledge it. It just makes us feel bad. And it's usually about our own shortcomings and things that we want to work on. So rather than look at jealousy like a problem you have to solve, think of it like a solution to your problem because now you get to gain clarity and dig deeper into what the role jealousy is playing in your relationship. If it becomes a problem, let's go to the next step. And this one you're going to like because it's all about cultivating self-confidence because that's really what it's all about. I want you to make a list of the insecurities you have, all the things that are bothering

you, maybe your jealous of your partner's ex or they check somebody out and that made you feel bad about your body or you about how much money you make or the job you have, write them all down and listen, if you constantly compare yourself to celebrities or people on Instagram, unfollow them for a week. Give yourself space from feeling inferior. And then this will also help you develop the self-confidence. And think about it. Is it perfectionism?

Are you repeating a negative story in your head, do a fear of abandonment, not being loved? You know, it all is an inside job. Maybe there's unresolved issues from childhood. So some of the things you write down, you're going to write down all your jealousies. And I'm not doing this to me. I'm not telling you to do this to make you feel worse.

I'm not saying write down all your insecurities. You should shame yourself. It's about you owning your role in your relationship. Then you write the antidote to each insecurity. Maybe if it's my partner wants another body, you can say, my body is beautiful. I feel like everyone else makes more money than I do. You could write, money comes freely and easy to me. That's a really good affirmation to have too.

When you say things, you start to believe them. Another great step to do this. I love Byron Katie's work. And she's brilliant for questions. She is actually a woman who healed her own depression using this process. And it's four questions. So the first one is, is it true? Is my thought true?

So you've written down all your insecurities, then the counter to those, and then try this. Pick one of them. Let's use Stacey's as an example. Is it true that all of my partners' lovers were better than me? Stacey might say, yeah, it's true. You did she tell us, yeah. And then the second question though is, is it absolutely true?

A court of law, it is 100% true that your partner's past lovers were better than you. Well, then he'd have to look at that and say, well, okay, in a court of law, absolutely true, like, no, we don't have any evidence of that. And then the third question, how do you feel when you believe that thought? Well, when I believe that everyone else says, is better lovers than me, I feel Less than I feel not lovable Which is also our greatest fear not to be loved. I feel insecure. I feel like I can't do enough Even though I've studied everything about sex. I'm still never going to be enough. Well the fourth question

This is the beauty. This is the beauty of this process. It says what if the opposite was true? What would be the opposite of your statement? Well, the opposite would be, I'm the best lover my partner has ever had. Huh. That could be true too, right? That is the opposite. We're allowed to believe whatever we want and to believe that you might be the best lover they ever had feels so much more freeing. And then you realize the other one just keeps you in a negative spiraling jail in your mind where jealousy festers. But to do these exercises whenever you have a limiting thought about anything, I have these notes written in my phone and it absolutely helps me when I find myself having a negative, negative spiraler, believing something that

isn't true. I just do, is it true? Is it absolutely true? What do I believe when I think, how do I feel when I think that thought and then what's the opposite of it? And it turns it around and sometimes I write it out because it feels a lot better to sometimes to write it out. So the final step is gratitude because it's so easy to walk around feeling like everything's bad, everything's wrong, our attention's going towards negativity, what's wrong, what's wrong, what's wrong. But if you go, you know what, I'm in a healthy relationship right now. These are all the ways that I love my partner and that my partner shows love to me.

You should write these out as well. And then you can read them in the morning, read them when you're meditating, read them when you wake up and say, these are the truth. Because you know that your mind could get twisted throughout the day and also if you're in a relationship where you're constantly Just feel like all you could see is a negative in your partner Try for a week reframing it and just thinking I'm just gonna think of the positives and I don't mean this all Polyannis everything's gonna think positive and life will happen

I just mean if you're still with your partner I'm sure there's some wonderful things that you could think about that would help you feel more connected and more love for your partner. And it would kind of stop those pesky jealous thoughts. So when we're grateful for what we actually do have and repeat that and we think about it, it also helps with our self-confidence and helps us tackle jealousy, which can be a pattern in your relationships that just keep festering. So remember all the positive things that you bring to the relationship and all the things your partner says that they like about you and try to remember that your partner is choosing to be with you.

They're choosing you and now you need to choose you in your best possible form where you're thinking more neutral thoughts or positive thoughts. And remember when we compare, we just despair. So when we compare to other people, other situations, it doesn't help us. I really hope this helped. You remember the four steps are acknowledging that you're jealous. Ask what your jealousy is telling you. What do you need to learn from the jealousy? And then write down all the ways you feel insecure and jealous.

The antidote to that using Byron Katie steps, and then this is going to help you cultivate more self-confidence. And eventually we want you to be honest with your partner about it. So one more thing to answer Stacy's question, Stacy, you say, if you were my girlfriend and I brought my jealous feelings out in the open to you, what might you say to me? You know what I would say to you? I would say, oh, thank you. That must have been easy admitting that you were jealous.

And I know that took a lot of strength. So I just wanted to acknowledge that. And I want to say thank you. And I know you've been jealous and it hasn't been easy for us. You know, I'd love to see how we can work on it. And then Stacey, you could go to your partner and say, well, I just learned these things on the Sex Family podcast. And I'm going to work through these steps so I can be a great lover to you, like you are to me. So would you like to be a part of it with me? Would you like to hang out with me while I'm doing it?

I mean, listen, the partners that we love and want to be with are going to 100% support us on our spiritual journey to become better versions of ourselves because when we work on ourselves in a healthy way, it's only to get impact our partner for the better as well. So what do you guys think? Colin Ovey. The process you're talking about is so great because it does make it about you because my first gut reaction when I think of jealousy or when I have jealous feelings is that it's about the partner, my partner. And it's not. It's a hundred percent about me and how I'm feeling. And like zero about them or their past partners or I mean, I had this with Megan early on when

we were dating. She would talk about her ex that she had just dated before me and it would just bring up all these feelings. And then I realized it's not, it's totally not about that guy. It's completely about me. Right. She married you. She's with you. Yeah. Exactly. Were you able to deal with, were you able to talk to her about it? We talked about it a little bit, but the best work I did about it was internal. It wasn't, it didn't have anything to do with how we interacted. It was just like how I thought about it and just reminding myself like, well, she's with me now. Right.

So clearly. Yeah, that's good. I mean, it's true, Collins. Like, most of the things were more angry at someone or they did something wrong. It's not so binary. I mean, everything too calling it's like most of the things when we're angry at someone or they did something wrong It's not so binary. I mean everything. It's not so black and white. We all have you know We're a part of it. They're a part of it But you know most time it's our shit that we're bringing to the table that we are it's unexamined trauma or conditioning or like that's why I said at the top. It's like

Yeah, if you're part or cheated and dissimilar that There's trust problem. You got to mend that, but if there's just jealousy that is not based in any reality, it's not based in anything that actually happened, that's a condition that's been going on. And then it probably, you know, once you start to really get into it and you've kind of like look at the jealousy, then you realize that it's, it's probably infiltrating other parts of your life as well. There's probably other areas in your life where jealousy,

it might look a little bit different, you know, might look like anger, it might look like suspicion of other people, but it's typically jealousy. It's so deep, it runs so deep. Yeah. I love that. When you were talking Emily before,

I was just thinking about how jealousy is really natural, like a lot of people do suffer from jealousy, but in the past, I would kind of be like, oh, I'm not jealous, I'm not a jealous person. But then I would do weird things that were really controlling to try to like circumvent being jealous. So what would you do to how did you circumvent the jealousy? Like it was, I would just kind of use these weird external factors and be like

oh cuz I would be jealous like oh maybe they like other people more than me or like they don't like spending time with me that much and then I would kind of make it so like we're spending a lot of time together and more than anyone else and I'd be like oh well I can't be jealous because they obviously like me the best because we spend the most amount of time together. Oh, right. But it was very unhealthy and very controlling to try to like force this to happen. So I didn't feel jealous. Instead of ultimately just like facing the fact that jealousy is natural.

Right. Exactly. It's natural, but when it gets really destructive in her heart-ful-of-the-behavior, you gotta weed it out. It's natural, but it's not like a good thing. It's just something that we're born with, so it's something we all need it out. It's natural, but it's not like a good thing. It's just something that we're born with, so it's something we all need to learn. Yeah, we all experience it.

We really do. I just think that as you start to do the work that we always talk about here on the show, the internal work, it doesn't take you down as much. It doesn't knock you out for a day. It doesn't make you, you don't get in fights about it. You're like, oh, okay, I'm being jealous. I heard something really smart about jealousy like years ago

and it really just stuck with me. It's like, when you're jealous of someone else, it's essentially saying that you want to be like them. You want to be them, but the truth is, you're never gonna be as good at being them as they are. Like they have their own gifts, they're their own person, but you'll never be as good as being them as they are, and you get to be yourself.

How can you truly be like, I'm this unique person, these are all of my skill sets and all the things I bring to the table? The other thing this reminds me of is kind of like Byron Katie's question. It's just like flipping it on its head. If I'm jealous of my partner's past lovers, do I want to take away my past lovers to like flip that? Right. No one ever does that. You're right. Do I want to have not dated all the people I dated and learned all the things I learned

from them? Because I am actually really grateful for all those failed relationships that I had that led to this current one. Exactly. Going back to the case of you and Stacey, it's like, our past lovers and our past relationships make us who we are and we broke up with people. We're not with people for a reason. You know, to get to this point of being with you in a relationship, it's like, they're all like our our our our trial runs. But if you think about what the suffering is, it's like I'm just trying to think about that. Like when you're constantly thinking like,

it sounds like Stacy's a great lover, right? For example, but our fear are adhering how do you people are partners up with? Is it that now they have all those people to compare me to and I am not a good lover? Like I think we all feel so inadequate, I suppose. But even Stacy who's done more studying about people's bodies than I know of many,

like, took it on, still felt insecure. It's almost like fueling it because he was looking to externally fill himself with information, arm himself with enough knowledge but wasn't doing the internal work. It's true though, Emily, while you were saying that like the external validation, I've searched for that too and been like oh it's the thing

that like it's the common like oh once you get the car once you get the house the kids and the flashy jewelry or whatever like you're gonna be happy and then those goals just keep getting pushed back and if you're not doing the internal work you're really never gonna be happy with what you're having. Never have to flip the mindset and be like, look at what I do have. I have the opportunity to be with this partner who has had all these past lovers and has all this past experience that they can teach me. Yeah.

And I can't help but think that like whoever stasis with their top priority isn't somebody who knows every single thing about having sex. It's probably a head on that list is somebody who's works through their personal shit. Well, right, I know, but you're thinking that's why relationships aren't working or something, but you're absolutely right. That's the other thing that's wrong with sex.

We think like you have to be just this one thing, right? I just have to have a big penis. So I just have to be a great lover. I just have to be a great lover. I just have to be a little bit more my hips like this. Exactly. And that's it. No, we want it. You're right. And his lovers are probably like, yeah, he was the best oral sex I ever had. But I really would have loved if he could have been more in touch with himself and emotionally available in ways that I needed. That's the good news, is that there's always stuff to, that there's a lot of ways we can show up

and be good partners to people. It's not about one thing. Another way that we can kind of flip out jealousy is just thinking about what you actually are jealous of. And then if it's something that you can kind of emulate within yourself, like, oh, I think that they're really successful. Maybe it can help you to change more, being more successful, but you don't need to do it with such a, like, hard arm, like they're better than I am because they have a job that

makes more money than I do. Right. Hmm. Emily, do you think there's room for jealousy in love in, like, pure 100% love? Is there room for jealousy in love. And like pure 100% love, is there room for jealousy within that? Well, it happens, it comes up, but I don't think it works. Like I think that jealousy is part of a toxic cycle

that we see in a lot of unhealthy relationships that at first it might feel good that your partner's jealous, and then you're like, oh, wow, they really, because then you feel safe, right? Like, oh, this person really loves me, they're jealous. But over time, they're gonna be jealous all the time. It's just gonna exacerbate.

And so I think that jealousy does not pair well with love. Every once in a while, like, oh, that's cute. You were jealous. You know, you're those things, like, I love that you still get jealous. And when you're in a long-term relationship, you're like, oh, but, but no, I don't think that like, I don't think that chronic jealousy is going to serve a loving relationship. What do you think?

Yeah. You know, it's funny when I wrote this question before we had this conversation, I was just thinking of like, I was thinking of jealousy as like an element of the relationship. And now hearing you talk about this, and now I'm just 100% thinking of it as a personal issue. Yes. So it's like totally changed my perspective on. But yeah, I mean, I agree. Yeah, I don't think there's room for it because love is so about giving yourself up to

the other person and to the relationship. And jealousy is so much about focusing inward and giving space for your insecurity. Exactly. I mean, jealousy is like a basic human emotion that we're all going to experience from time to time. I mean, just definitely don't be yourself up about it, of course. But jealousy is here to tell you something about yourself, but ourselves. So I'm being really jealous. What do I need right now? Thank you, jealousy. You are here. You showed up. What do I need to work on myself? It's always like that. It goes right back to you. I'm not saying that you're never going to be jealous again if you do the work. You will be jealous again, but now you'll have tools to combat it. Oh gosh, that thing again.

Oh my god, didn't we work on this? And then just kind of a better relationship with your jealousy. And then it goes away. It doesn't like fuel your relationship, it doesn't take over everything you do. It doesn't drive your personality. All right guys, so tell me what you think. What did this conversation make you think?

Did it make you realize the areas of your life that you are jealous? Does it get you more jealous? I went here from you, I went here from you, I went here what you think. You can always email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. When we come back, I talk to Kate. 52 in Ohio. Hi Kate. Thanks for calling.

What's going on? Hey, thanks for taking me. Of course. What I've got is me and my new partner. We were both in long term marriages. I was married for, you know, 30 years and the same for him. And we've been together for a little bit now, and the text is really good. It is amazing. But what I'm dealing with is his ex-bounce was very vanilla, if you will., very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very,

very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very're kind of a, you know, perv. And I just, something I want to ask for with him, but I kind of feel like he's just still so reserved or he's just, you know, he's not used to more sexual adventure. And so I'm kind of in a quandary how to politely and gently, you know, help him explore sexuality and understand that it's healthy, it's like breathing air, you know. We can enjoy each other fully and have those fantasies

and do those things, but I just think for so long he was used to being denied, and he was just used to being told that, you know, it wasn't fun or enjoyable. And I just don't know how to kind of gently bring him to his sexuality. You know what I mean? No, it's such a, oh no exactly what you mean, Kate.

You know, this is so, it's so common that we, that you know, I hear from a lot of you that it's, you know, your partners just aren't able to meet you. Where they add and a lot of times, because he grew up in a place first off. He's married for 30 years with a wife that doesn't want sex on interest in sex. And he's thinking I want so much sex

and so maybe that's also convenient for him, like in a way that wasn't conscious, right? She never wanted sex. She never wanted sex But there was something about him that married her. They maybe grew up in a home where it was very shameful You know to talk about sex it was frowned upon it wasn't part of their culture their society their religious institution And so what happens is when we grow up in an environment like that We think it's just go. Well, I'm gonna be on my own and that will no longer be you know I'll no longer feel that way anymore.

But now if he's in his 50s as well, his whole life, he's had this, you know, shame associated with it. What we've do is educate, there's some education, right? What could he, and you know him better than I do, but are there ways that he learns best? Like there's a lot of educational material, there we've got tons of blogs on our website. Like if he needs to understand the, understand the benefits of being sexually healthy, you can ask him some questions like to see you remember earlier memories about sex because there is a certain unlearning that we have to do.

There has to come a point where we think, okay, that is no longer my belief. That is something from childhood, my parents' leave, but it no longer serves me. But the problem with older, we get it, it can be more challenging to do. It is a journey you can get there with him, and you just remember that having a conversation about sex with your partner and developing the language around sex is not a one-time conversation. But once you can kind of, you know, however again, however you learn to have you get them on board and talk to him about how you envision your sex life to be.

What a rich, healthy fantasy life might look like for both of you. What the benefits could be. And I think just listening to him, maybe he has to clear some stuff on his background. I mean, this could take a while, but it's your new partner. And I think, when we are not sexually healthy and we're not able to communicate about sex, it does impact every area of our relationship. So thank you for your call. Let's talk to Robert 56 in California.

Hi Robert, thanks for calling. Hello Dr. Emily. My question is this, me and my wife, we've been married for 25 years when you have a great set of size, but she's concerned if we have anal sex too often that it will damage her down there. Hmm. Typically not. How often are you having it? I mean, I don't hear this often.

Is it like every day for hours? No, no, no, no. She's about once every two months. No, you're fine, Robert. You're totally fine. Just use lots of lube. Make sure that she's warmed up. And you're going slow.

And she's breathing and turned on. You're good. Once every few months is no, no, no, no. No problem there. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. She's great. She has like orgasms within 30 seconds of anal sex.

It's not like vaginal. but she's so worried about it that we only do it like once every couple of months. Oh, you're fine. I didn't know. I love your relationship. How often do you want to, and I'll tell you if it's okay. Like, would you think you want to do it once a week? Twice a week.

Once a week is fine. You're good. Yeah, make sure she's warmed up. Turn on. You're not going to, you know, you're using loop and breathing. You should be fine. Once a week is totally, totally good, totally fine. Yeah. I mean, there's not going to be any, but yeah. First off, Robert, I love your call because I very rarely hear from someone who's in Barefoot for 25 years and says, we're having amazing sex. So thank you for that. Oh my God. Yeah. Now we have such a great relationship. It's wonderful. So yeah.

Wow. And I listen to you. So it's never a night about touching. And any guy listening is got to take your advice. I give my wife massages all the time without requiring or demanding, expecting sex after. And it just, it pays back dividends in spades. If you just touch your wife, misogyer, and lover without the sex, and it comes back to you, it really does. You're right, yeah, Robert.

I'm so glad that president with you, because it's true. I want when you, yeah, sometimes sex becomes a problem, and then you think every time they touch me they want sex but you're right just to give a massage I love it Robert so what can I ask you question now I'm gonna ask you about your sex life yeah how do you guys think well how have you kept your sex life so great for 25 years I'm a very uh...

huggy touchy we hold hands a lot we We hug a lot. We piss a lot. Just randomly holding hands We'll lock in the store holding the hands. We'll hug a lot. We'll kiss a lot and My my boys have both moved out and we are real flirty with each other I mean, you know, we're in the house by ourselves and show a hug by me and just Grab me down to and just laugh You know and we laugh you know and we both do that and it's it's fun

we uh... we're like little kids now i don't know if it's weird i feel like i'm still on my honeymoon Robert oh Robert that's a minute thank you that's really really inspiring and i guess it's always been good i mean you've always had a well you know we've been married twenty years nothing, you know, perfect for 25 Yeah, I was gonna put Jenna pedestal course

Right in our relationship had been our sex. That's never been the issue Robert super inspiring. Well, thank you for calling and yeah, use some loop We love the pure anal ease loop. It's just it's specifically for anal use it. We love the pure anal ease, it's just specifically for anal. Use it. I love it. It's silicone. Just use a silicone loop. Anyway, okay. Awesome. Well, enjoy, Robert. Sounds like you don't need me to tell you that, but have a good time. Thanks for calling. Bye, Robert. Super inspiring, by, of course. Of course. Let's talk to Sarah on 19 in Utah. Hi, Sarah. What's going on? Hi. Hi.

So I'm with a new partner and we're exploring, like, this is my last one we never had sex. I don't know, it was just awful. But with this new guy, we're exploring like kings and stuff like that. And we recently just started, like, I guess, like people call it a cream pie or like that such a weird way to describe it.

But like, when the man comes in you and I that's something I really enjoy and I didn't know I would enjoy and I am on birth control the next one on but I was wondering if there's any safer like another thing I could add to be even safer and also enjoy this king because I don't want to get pregnant but I also can't get my tubes tied this young just no no no up. First let's describe the cream pie fetish, which is the kink, where you you both get off on him coming inside of you. Well how are you guys practicing it? Because you are on the pill, so I mean you're on the implant, right? So Ihmm, the implant. So, I mean, that is really sick.

And so, no condom, no anything like that. Right. This is a mutually satisfying fetish because for some people, because you're calling it the cream bite, like, you know, for people, it is a fetish. So it can also be on other parts of your body sometimes, right? Like if you ejaculate in other parts of your body,

could that also help? We definitely do that as well for sure. And yes, we both enjoy it. It's not something I'd Perfect. I always want to check, you know Yeah, well, you know, I have to tell you also there is there's only a few days a month I'd say about five where women can actually get pregnant But you could download like a period tracking app like the flow living app. Okay. And that can help you understand the days where you actually could get pregnant, but if

you're not so on the implant, you're pretty safe, but you could still track it. So I would recommend it. Yes, I do recommend it. It's called flow living app, FLO. And I just think it's great for women to start to understand their cycles. You could also use a spermicide that might also help, so you just feel a little bit safer. And then also just understanding those days of the month where you can get pregnant. Yeah, I definitely don't know too much about my cycle. Yeah, I just think it's great for every woman to understand because I know a lot of women call me and they're like I'm on the

pill and I'm using condoms. Can I get pregnant? I mean it's very unlikely. You know, I never want to say that you get better. It's unlikely because then people get careless. So I got it. Thank you. Okay. Of course. Sarah, I'm here for you. Of course. Let me know how it goes. Call me with anything. Okay. All right. All right. Have a great night. here for you. Of course, let me know how it goes. Call me with anything, okay? All right. All right, have a great night. Thanks for calling. We're gonna answer a quick question, nor a 31 in Santa Barbara.

My girlfriend recently showed me one of your master class lessons that take control of your orgasm one, I believe. It's absolutely incredible. I'm gonna start listening to your podcast and telling all my friends about you who don't already know of you. I have a random question that's not quite sex related. It's that master class lesson you bring out

what can only be described as a beautiful velvet vulva pillow with carnations inside. May I ask, where did you get such a beautiful item? My girlfriend was obsessed with it and if it's something I can track down, I would love to buy one for as a gift. It is a vulva puppet and I'm gonna find it for you because I have two vulva puppets.

One is locked at Series XM in the studios. We can't go there anymore. We have lockers there, right? It is a vulva puppet, and I'm gonna find it for you because I have two vulva puppets. One is locked at SyriestexM in the studios. We can't go there anymore. We had lockers there, right? So that's where my one vulva puppet is. It's just been there and I can't wait to go back to it. So I got another one for Masterclass, and there's just one woman who makes these vulva puppets,

and she's been making them for 30 years. She lives in Berkeley, California. She's making them since 92. Her name's Dory Lane, and it's called vulvapuppet.com. And you can pick size and shapes and colors and fabrics. The vulva puppet is the way to go. And why I love it is because anatomy, like a lot of us don't understand what's going on between our legs, right? So it's like a beautiful puppet. I use it to teach people for education. And she's a wonderful woman. This woman's

making these vulva puppets. She does that. Make penis puppets. I tried really hard to find a penis puppet. I scoured the internet. There was like a knitted penis and there was like a beanbag penis. But there was no penis puppets. So if you know about a penis puppet, I would buy it from you. I would pay anything for your penis puppet. But Dory's like I'm not getting into penises. I've been in the Volvo business for 30 years and that's all I want to do. And yeah, I also, if you guys, I did a masterclass, if you know masterclass, it's a really cool platform. Masterclass.com slash Emily Morse and they have amazing courses with a lot of other cool

instructors. Check that out. We're going to take a quick break, but stick around. I'm answering an email from Natalie who's looking to start dating again after a divorce. This is from Natalie, 31 in Texas. A lot of you ask these questions of, how do I get back out there a day to get if I've been

With a partner for a while or maybe the dating game has changed Maybe you learned a lot about yourself in your relationship and you've realized that you have standards and you have things that are Important to you and you want to know how to communicate that so now only 31 in Texas Love your show. I've been Sharing with my friends because I find your episodes on the podcast great and full of relatable information. I want to ask you for advice. I've always been a very sexual person, develop fantasies in my head about someone I'm either interested in or someone I'm seeing.

I mean, the process of a divorce, our sex life was mediocre. There was really no emotional connection, which is why I wanted out. I should've accepted this sooner, but here I am. He'd also withhold sex and intimacy from me as a control factor. He didn't have a sex drive at all. I'm the type of person who needs physical touch, cuddling or sexual play, and I find myself

thinking about sex and passionate intimacy all the time. I have a very high sex drive with simple needs. I've been like this my whole life. How can I sidetrack these thoughts when they arise all the time? Solo play isn't always working to satisfy that desire and sometimes just temporary. Also, there's a new guy that entered my life and literally just met. I want to breach the sex topic and just run wild with him between the sheets, but I don't want to scare him. I think he's interested sexually. Physical attraction is key. Help and advice to keep this primal feeling tamed.

I'm always in heat. I love a woman in heat. I love anyone in heat. Listen, if you always want sex all the time and you're single and dating, go through this, embrace this part of yourself. And to answer your question, it sounds like, you know, I love that you have a high fantasy life and that you're thinking about these things. And I know what you're saying. You met a new guy in those chemistry. So how do you tell him that you're into, that you want to, that you have these sexual fantasies? I don't know what you're looking for right now.

If you just got divorced, I would suggest taking time to kind of figure out who you are and what you want sexually. It sounds like you have some fantasy. So I think when you know that somebody you can trust or you want just, maybe you don't even care about the emotional connection right now, I don't know why you think you would scare him off,

but I think if that is a concern you have, I would just, once it starts to get intimate, it sounds like you know you're both trapped each other and just say so, how important is sex to you in a relationship? What are your values around sex? What are your fantasies? I think it's okay to have those conversations without scaring them off. And I also think if you scare somebody off because you talk about sex, they just did you

a favor because they're not your person. Listen, if you scare somebody off by being your authentic sexual self, you're being yourself, you're not hiding who you are and what you're into and you scare them off, before you move in together and get married and have children and walk to all those things, that's a favor. You should say thank you to that person. I am so glad you left when I showed you what I authentically

want in bed and what I'm attracted to when I'm into I wish that more people would scare their partners off by expressing their sexual needs before they get married because Then we decide that we have to hide who we are we don't express our needs We're prim and proper. We don't talk about our sex drive We don't say we have a fantasy of being passionately romance because that is a big fantasy for a lot of women. Just like Natalie, her fantasy is a lot of intimate. I love how she said that it's mindful, passionate intimacy.

She fantasizes about it. I fantasize about passion intimacy. I love passion kissing and someone just is adoring and I'm, you know, it's just, so I just, I urge you all to have that conversation with your partner or someone you're dating in a way that feels good to you. So there's also the ways that are, are I guess not helpful.

So for me, where a situation can go wrong, if I meet somebody and they escalate it really quickly, like maybe we meet on, you know, I know this happens a lot on the dating apps or maybe I meet you We haven't even met yet or maybe we met once and there was no sexual talk But they escalated they send me a dick pic. They just get super sexual and I don't feel safe enough with them I don't know them yet and it's assumed that I am into them and I don't even I just met them So I guess premature escalation of sex,

premature sex elation is a problem for me. Now, I was out with a friend and she was married for 15 years and she's now getting divorced and she's recently dating and she's on all the apps and she only wants sex right now and she's made it very clear. She only wants sex, she's not looking for an emotional commitment. She was in a sexless marriage for 15 years. And so she is delighted when it gets sexual right away. She loves getting a dick pic. She's actually the only woman

I've ever met who loves getting dick pics. The only one who's like, oh, yeah, I mean, I'm only sleeping with a white-out-send dick dick pick and then I said him my pick. But what I'm saying is we're all different. So I think we all get to set our sexual parameter of what is violating our standards and what feels really hot. So I believe that to go back to Natalie's question that, you know what you're into. So I think it's okay to express that and see how they handle it. You don't have to give it all at once.

Yeah, Ovi? I think that also part of her question, which is interesting to me, is that she has all this past trauma with her partner about withholding sex. So I think that she's kind of projecting that wanting and like needing sex, there's something wrong with that. So I think that she's like really afraid

of telling her partner that she's interested in him because she doesn't want to get rejected. Yeah, no, that's a good point too. She's in a, she's developed a new behavioral pattern in response to sex as a result of being in a marriage where her partner was using sex as a weapon and her partner was withholding sex. So not only is she reacting to that, she's like, I am free and I want to have sex and I want to be out there. You know, we often sometimes tend to heal

our past relationships and our current relationships. So whatever we weren't getting, we want that times 10. So that is part of it. That she might be like this pendulum swinging where she had no sex and how she's like, I wanted all the time, but then also she could be nervous

in this new relationship too because she doesn't have examples of being in a healthy sexual relationship of somebody maybe not withholding. So she's wary that when she lets this guy know that when she lets this guy know that she wants sex, that he's going to be like, no, you can't have it. She has like an unrealistic, but kind of like a fear that's been instilled, like, unnaturally. So how would you suggest that you should, like, break out of that? I mean, I think that it's just by practice and monitoring that, I think that actually, probably just with this partner practicing, listen, when you're going through divorce and

you just start dating again, I don't think that she should just jump to the first person and commit again, but I think that it's great practice is also why I love dating. She could practice setting boundaries with him. She could practice saying, this is what I'm into and then listening to his response and learning, this is what is actually healthy part of her, how someone who's healthy responds. Or maybe he does something else that weird, and that's not good either. She can keep looking for her ideal scenario, endating and being honest and vulnerable from the jump, which I think so many of us show up

with our representative of what we think is our best self, and we hide that until we get to know someone better. And then we're like, here's all my craziness, or here's what I want. And I think the sooner we show people who we really are, the more we can authentically commit to somebody, it's more of an authentic relationship because if you're not bringing who you are,

then they're not really committing to the real you if you get into relationship. They're committing to somebody who's a version of yourself. And then that creates so many problems because you know that this person loves you and you're not fully showing them who you are. So in your mind, they're going, yeah, they think I'm really neat

because I clean up every time they come over but I'm really not a neat person. That's just one example. I'm pretending that I don't have any needs in the bedroom and I really do. But I'm too afraid to show, this is what happens. I'm too afraid to show my authentic self because I'm afraid of being judged and this person leaving me. But the irony is when we hold on to that person for too long, we

start to release, we don't feel confident because we know we're not, and then our partner doesn't really know it, and then that becomes a problem later on. And we actually don't even respect our partner sometimes for loving us because we think, well, partner doesn't really know it, and then that becomes a problem later on, and we actually don't even respect our partner sometimes for loving us, because we think, well, you don't really know the real me. So let's just all be honest and not that thick and real, huh? How about that? That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Family. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review,

wherever you listen to the podcast. And share this with a friend or partner. Leave me if you've got something out of it, they will too. We release shows on Tuesdays and Fridays and look out for a bonus episode every now and then. Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter. It's all at Sex with Emily. And I've been told I give really good newsletter.

So sign up at sexwithemily.com and don't forget to check out our blogs. If you want to talk to me, ask your questions about your sex life, dating or relationships, email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com or call into my series, sex and show Monday through Friday, 5-7pm Pacific and call me, AAA94 stars, that's AAA9478277, get a free 30-day trial at sexsfamily.com slash SXM.

You can watch my Masterclass on Masterclass.com slash Emily Morse. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sectswithemily.com you