Sex With Emily - How Do I Tell My Partner…?

Episode Date: March 24, 2023

Sex is inherently vulnerable, which is partly why it’s so hot. But how do you take the extremely vulnerable – even awkward – step of telling a partner something sensitive? Maybe their breath is bad. Maybe you’re bored with the sex itself. Or maybe you're afraid to tell a partner you’ve fallen in love with them. On today’s episode, I’m helping listeners find the right words for these sensitive moments. What happens when you don’t feel anything during penetration? Or your partner’s afraid to tell you they have a small penis? How about when you’re into something kinky, tried it out virtually, and got caught? And finally, when you disagree on what makes good sex, is that a deal breaker? All this and more on today’s sexual feedback show. Show Notes:The 7 Secrets of Making OutHow to Have the Sexiest Spring EverPRE-ORDER MY NEW BOOK! Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureSmartMouthPenuma.com/Podcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Some people are like, I told my partner to initiate, I told him to throw me up on the counter and he never does what happened and Diplom gets, because they're like, I didn't think about, I didn't know how to throw you on the counter, I didn't have an erection, so I don't know, you know what I'm saying? There's just a little bit more to it. But once he gets the new habit going, you'll be all over the counter, the kitchen table, who knows, in the car. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Sex is inherently vulnerable, which is partly why it's so hot, but how do you take the extremely vulnerable, even awkward, step up telling a partner something sensitive? Maybe their breath is bad, or maybe you're bored with the sex itself, or maybe you're afraid to tell a part you've fallen in love with them. On today's episode, I'm helping listeners find the right words for these sensitive moments. What happens when you don't feel anything during penetration? Or your partner's afraid to tell you they have a small penis?

How about when you're into something kinky, try it out virtually, and got caught. And finally, when you disagree on what makes good sex, is that a deal breaker? All this and more on today's sexual feedback show. Intentions with Emily for each episode I want to start off by setting an intention for the show, and I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to help you feel more confident, communicating about your sex life, even once a little scary. In the end, most partners will appreciate your honesty.

The trick is to be thoughtful, kind, and forthright so that you don't feel resentful, but instead collaborative and proactive. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show, my new articles, the seven secrets to making out and how to have the sexiest spring ever are up at sexwithemily.com. Check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok.

It's all at sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. And if you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily or call my hotline. 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739. Just leave your name, your age, where you you live and how you listen to the show. And it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. But before we get in today's show, I want to tell you about something very exciting.

If you haven't heard the news, I'm coming out with a book and I am so excited to share it all with you. It comes out June 13th. It's called smart sex, how to boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure. It's all about a new paradigm that's going to help you have better sex and that is the five pillars of sexual intelligence. I hope you'll pre-order the book right now at sexrealmy.com. All you have to do is go to the drop down menu, select new book, it'll be easy from there,

I'll also put it in the show notes. But just so you know, I've learned a lot about this process and pre-ordering a book. It really helps get the book into more hands, have more people having healthy sex, and so I would love if you would do that. Right now, if you know you're going to buy it, I so appreciate you. Alright, everyone, enjoy this episode. Alright, let's talk to Michael 45 in D&A. Hi, Michael.

Thanks for calling. My question for you is just wanted to get your views on online chat line and what you thought about those. Tell me more about them, Michael. I don't know about them right now, like explain to your experience. Well, I get on and I see guys and girls and we masturbate together and the other day my wife walked in on me and she was very upset and now she's just really mad and The specifics don't really matter here. It's more about like your relationship with your wife. Does she know that you masturbate? Now she does.

But before this, before she walked in. Probably not. Okay. So what's your sex life like? Well, I'll probably get all these to be better. I mean, okay. Everyone gets to decide what works for them. Some people really into the cam girls.

Some people are, you know, I believe that like masturbation is part of a healthy relationship, a healthy sexual relationship. People masturbate in relationships. I know it's important for men and for women because she walked in and you masturbating. I think you'd have to just have some talk to her and let her know that you know you still love her and people have to learn this. They have to add these conversations to people. But I think the fact that she walked in and then it was like the first time she saw you masturbating and then there was other women there masturbating with you and it's like an exchange and it wasn't like a one way thing. But they they see you back and you know that it was a more intimate is really

troubling for your wife. And so what I think is that this is a really wonderful opportunity for you to have some really healthy conversations with your wife about your sex life, about, I mean, I'm assuming you guys have been together while, huh, Michael? Yes. And have you ever talked about your sex life with her before, like what you guys are into or how frequently you have sex or what turns you on? Well, some of it, but certainly not about this.

No, right. I understand why your wife is gonna have a problem with it. To answer your direct question, my take on it is like, I can see why that might feel more like a violation, but if it's working for you and your wife was okay with it, I wouldn't have a problem with it. She didn't have a problem with it. Because it's like, you're having this level

of intimacy with someone. It's not just like she walked in in on you watching porn, but it's intimate, right? They're seeing you and you're seeing them and that can feel like cheating because it's intimate see what I'm saying Right, don't they see you and you see them? Yeah And so it's kind of like an emotional, you know like the emotional fair and you're but it's like, you know These people are seeing you naked so I think that there's a lot of unpacking to do here. Because first, we gotta get back the layers of like, you said our sex life could always be better.

And I'm gonna agree with you because I think that 99.9% of people's sex life could be better. And they could talk about it more, especially if you've been together for a while. So this is a good time to perhaps go see a therapist. They could help you guys sort of tease this out. Is she super angry right now? What's happening? Well, not much right now. She just really really upset.

Would you know what? What my question is, I guess you think this is just bad or is it just normal? I think masturbation is normal and healthy, but I think if your wife doesn't aid, doesn't think you masturbate and B walks in and she sees you in front of a computer, isn't it on your computer, on your laptop, on your phone, and you're looking at people, and they're looking at you, and there's a naked woman that you're live interacting with, that's disturbing.

I believe that there's a lot. She didn't expect it, she didn't know it coming, she didn't think you masturbated, she probably doesn't masturbate. So I'm not gonna tell you anything wrong. I'm gonna tell you that this could be a great opportunity to have some really healthy conversations with your wife. It could take you guys to another level.

She has to educate yourself when you both do around touch and what feels good. And for many couples, this wouldn't work for them. Like boundaries. Like I know there are couples who say, like I don't want you watching, having cam girls in a chat room. That feels like a violation, right? Like texting a friend is okay. You're ex, but sexting your ex wouldn't be okay. Those kind of things. I think

at their pace, it's going to be helpful if you've been together a long time, this could just kind of explode into a huge fight. Yes, I have. Yeah, and I'm sorry. This is happening happening and it's time to have an important conversation with her about intimacy and connection and sex and maybe you were how long have you on these chat rooms. Oh a long time. Okay that's something that you're gonna you know have to talk about with her. I mean I don't want to know if it's a reaction to not having great sex with her you obviously don't want to say that but what I believe is that if you could work on your

sex life with your wife and figure out a way, it's never too late, ever like I think this could be the start of it where you decide, you know what? I didn't know how to talk to you about the things that I'm into and sex is really important to me and I would love it to be important to you. So a lot of couples, they listen to the show together, they go see a therapist, they go to a sex toy store and buy some books and some toys and they think about expansion and they think about touch and they think about how we can enhance intimacy.

They bring back kissing. They learn to take a massage class together. They do things that enhance their connection. And so, Michael, I think that I don't know where you guys are at now and your level of openness around this, but I think that that's where this could lead to if you do this correctly with her and figure out how to listen and communicate. Okay, Michael? Okay, thanks. Okay, I'm posted. Thanks, Michael. Let's talk to Diane, 58 in Florida. How can I help you? Hi, Emily. I'm calling because I had a kind experience the other night with my husband and we've

been married 30-1 years, you know, 58. He's like 61. And we have a pretty active sex life. But what he apparently didn't never knew when we went to course and he's kind of trading, I don't have any sensation. You know, orally, not a problem. It's a wonderful. And it just came out of my mouth after all these years. I just finally said to him, you realize that I don't feel anything.

And he just kind of just was taking it back. And he just was so upset about it. And he couldn't talk about it. And I said, well, we had to talk about this. He goes, I don't know if I could ever have sex with you again now. And so he's hurt. He said he's embarrassed. He's humiliated.

And I try to explain to him, this is nothing to do with your lovemaking. You're amazing. It's just that I don't have a sensation. So maybe you should feel a little bit sad about me not having a sensation. That's right. I said, but there's nothing wrong with you.

I mean, you've given me all your love. Like, you've never not. I said, so I'm just kind of just letting you know, I feel penetration, but I don't feel sensation. And so then for the next day and a half, he just was sad. And I said, do you want to talk about it? Because I don't think I can talk about it. I said, well, do you want to have,

want to have a decor? Do you want to make love? He's like, I don't think I can. So I met a point where he's gone away for a couple days and I know it's following him and it's following me too. Yeah. But I've been listening to some of the thing to be saying and maybe it's we need to introduce other

absolutely dot absolutely so so first off um... so you've never had sensation from intercourse in your life no that's not true there's sometimes that i could i have orgasm we've had into course but what happens a lot of times is hey, you will, you know, hold on to climax and he'll roll over and fall asleep and

doesn't ask me, he's never asked me. I go, have you ever asked me if I've orgasm, have you ever noticed a fight? I go, because it's different. When you simulate me orally, if there's no question, there's never a question. You've never asked me after we've made love. I said, you just kind of used roll over and I said, so I kind of just come accustomed to it. And for some reason I just felt like just finally saying it. Yeah, of course. Yeah, but I didn't need to hurt him. Of course not. But how many years have

did you say you've been together? 31 31. Okay, so. And there's been up and down throughout that. Of course. And I get why you said it but in the bedroom in the moment and he's like what like that's a big news but I do think this can be a place for repair because honestly if the chef never asks how the meal is right the chef cooks you every night and they're never like hey how do you like the steak you're not gonna be like it's soft like you know what I'm saying so you just assume it's okay he never asked so in a, but I see why that's hurt because for men, if they feel they're not being a great lover

and they're not, they just assume. So many men just assume it feels just as good for them as it feels for you, because why wouldn't it? It felt great, I like the steak. You want me to like the steak, I made the steak. You know what I'm saying, the same thing, sex was good for me, why isn't good for you? So I understand all of this and why it's confusing for him. So I think that you can kind of when he's ready, have him come back

and like talk to him about like, I think this is, you can let him know like the nuance of it. Like I think that the great part would be to talk with like the compliments, like all your best memories of your love making over 31 years. You love that he's so tender when he goes down and you how you do have orgasms and that it's not only been this way Forever Diane because you're 58 so for many women You know as we get older there's like a loss of estrogen the the linings of the the vagina starts to thin So sex doesn't feel as good internally So you might have just said it because maybe you were feeling a little resentment a little frustration that your pleasure hasn't come up

Because those nights where he just three pumps and rolls over and falls asleep and didn't go down and you like, would you get from that? So that gets frustrating. So there's a lot to unpack here, right? Diane, I get it. And I'm someone too who didn't have a lot of orgasms and of course didn't understand it.

You're not alone in this way, but most people don't know how to like, you know, he never heard that before. So I think that you could just say, you need to say I'm really sorry, you know, take responsibility for how you brought it up and that it must have been a shock. But these are all the things you love. And what you've learned is, by listening to this show or by talking to friends or whatever you want to say is there are ways you can have more sensation.

Like perhaps he always goes down in you or you use a toy, use a vibrator. Like, there's things you can do, but many women, and you know if you've been listening Diane, that only 20% of women have orgasms during intercourse. And I would argue that many of those women would say the same thing, like, it feels good, but it's not like, it feels like amazing.

It just feels like they're not having an orgasm. So I think it was really just about your tone and the timing, which is what I always say, like tone, timing, and turf, is when you wanna have the best time to have those conversations. This is from Alicia. Hey, Dr. Emily, my boyfriend, I've been together for two years and he's great.

Our foundation is strong and we're so compatible. However, there is one problem. One of which I entered the relationship knowing, he has bad breath. I've tried mouthwashes, politely asking him to brush his teeth, gum, mints, etc. I haven't flat out told him that his breath is bad because I don't want to hurt his feelings or having to be self-conscious. But it's getting close to me just having to be softly blunt. He needs to go to the dentist, but he is a huge fear and he knows he will need a lot of work and we aren't exactly rolling in cash over here.

We also don't have dental insurance. Any suggestions on how to politely tell him it's breath is hurting us sexually? Love your podcast! Alright, this is a really great question, Alicia, and I have to say you are not alone. A lot of people struggle with talking to their partners about a lot of hygiene challenges, not just bad breath. First, think about this. When one of our body parts smells bad or has an odor, there's usually something else going on.

It's usually an indicator of greater health issues. Like, I often get questions about people what to do when their vulva owning partners have a funky smell down there. Well, usually it's because of something like bacterial vaginosis, which a lot of times we can't even smell it ourselves. And I often tell people like, you got to talk to your partner about it because you can just let them know that you're worried about their health.

So in this case, your partner's bad breath is likely an indicator of larger oral hygiene issues. But I know that a lot of us kind of diminish the importance of flossing and brushing our teeth, but I can tell you as someone who was warned for many years and I never, I should have gotten a mouth guard, I should have flost more. It is true that there are problems that can happen when you don't take care of it. Now, you also said that it's impacting your sex life. So for all of these reasons, it's really important to have a talk with them.

Because our oral health has so many implications in our overall health. Now, first, let's start with this. You mentioned that he is a fear of going to the dentist. Well, you could just say, well, tell me more about that. Did something happen before? When he was younger, did he have a bad experience with a dentist? Could he talk to someone about this, like a therapist? Someone could help him work through these fears. So how you have this kind of conversation about awkward things is you could remember my timing tone and turf. We have a guide on our website.

You can download that explains all this for you. But you really want to approach this conversation always from love and from care and just let your partner know I care so much about you. I love you. And I really want you to be as healthy as you can be. And you can let them know that they have bad breath, that their breath has an odor that you've noticed for a while now. And you can say, as you can imagine, it's really hard to talk to about this because I don't want to hurt your feelings, and I don't want to upset you, but I've done more research, and it turns out it could be part of a bigger issue. And so I think it's really important that we kind of work together on how you can get over

the fear of dentist, and fear of going to the dentist, and how it's really important that you need to work on. And if you let them know it's not an insult, you just care about him and you want them to be happy and healthy. And in fact, that it's gotten to this place of really bad breath, he needs to know as his partner and someone you love. Something you could do is, which is what I do with my partner, you know, we have, like,

listen, the oral hygiene practice at night is like another friggin' thing to do, right? Like, you gotta wash your face, take your makeup off, and then you gotta brush your teeth, and you gotta floss and use mouthwash and all of these things. So I've actually brought this in with my partner. We have, like, I got them an electric toothbrush because it is important to brush your teeth for two minutes in the morning and two minutes a night. They have the ones that have a little beep.

So we actually do it together. I know, right? Cute. And then we floss our teeth. And I'm obsessed with smart mouth. I don't know what it is about this mouthwash. There's just like something very different about it. It's parts of my daily ritual.

I use it twice a day. And smart mouth does eliminate impermanent bad breath for ritual. I use it twice a day. And smartwatch does eliminate and prevent bad breath for 24 hours with just two rinses a day. It has this two streams of liquid, which just for some reason in my head makes it seem like way more powerful, but I think it actually is because it works and tastes really good. And you can actually buy smartwatch in the oral carer aisle anywhere you buy mouthwash or on Amazon. I'll also put the link in my show notes. So anyway, you could make this a ritual with them and tell you gets the dentist say,

okay, babe, let's do this together. And in fact, it'll help you. Like now my partner is all about flossing. So the night's I don't want to floss. I'm like, here we are flossing. I'm just telling everybody listening that I know flossing is a pain. It took me way too long to get into the habit.

But now that I am, it's the one that I stick with. And Alicia, finally, listen, if you let your partner know that his bad breath is affecting your desire for sex or ability to be aroused, I mean, listen, I think he's really good at want to take action because tackling bad breath and dealing with his greater fear here is such an important conversation to have. But also, it's going to make it a lot easier to have other conversations in their relationship. Because I know we're all afraid of these conversations because we're so afraid we're going to have set our partners, but listen, when it comes to health and wellness and it comes to overall happy life and it comes to

affecting your sex life, you got to have these conversations now. So hopefully he's able to get over his fear, go see a dentist, and I'm sure this will definitely enhance your intimacy in the long run. Don't go anywhere because after the break I'm helping listeners with more difficult conversations, including what to do when you think your partner has a micro-piness. This is from Jordan 31 in California. Hey Dr. Emily, I need your advice on something that's been eating at me for months now. How do I tell my boyfriend that he has a small penis? My boyfriend I've been dating for over a year now, and when we started dating it would

hook up. He would always stop before having sex and told me that he couldn't because he had really bad exema on his sex parts, which I believe because he does have exema all over other parts of his body. On top of that, he was pleasing me sexually in other ways and doing great at it. Fast forward to over a year later and we finally had penetrative sex. And I realized he has a really small penis. And when I say small, I googled what a micro-penas was afterwards. I'm torn because I feel like he lied about his skin condition or use it as a way to get

out of sex just long enough for me to fall in love with him. So I struggled with breaking up with him for this. But part of me also wonders if his story is legit and if it is true, is he oblivious to how small it is? No matter which direction this goes, I just don't know how to bring it up. I don't know how to bring it up since it's a very sensitive subject. I mean, how do you tell a man? He has a small penis.

And just to iterate, it's not that I'm not being satisfied in the relationship. He's a great boyfriend and is amazing in bed. I have so many questions. Please help. All right, Jordan, great question. Let's get into it. Now as I've said before, and this is a great time to say it again, most orgasms that vulva owners are going to have are not going to

have anything to do with a penis. Sorry guys, it's true. Usually comes from fingers, toys, or oral stimulation. And it sounds like he is pleasing you in those departments. You said he's been an amazing lover. And I understand that you might feel like your trust has been broken. Now the only way to know for sure in the easier mind is to have an open and honest and curious conversation about it. You can use my timing, turpentone recommendations about finding the right place, the right location, the right tone to talk to him about it,

and you can just say to him, let's talk about our sex life. Now that we've had sex, how is your ex-mod doing, has that been painful, has it been okay? I know we waited so long. Is there anything else you'd like to talk about? How was it for you? What could I do to be a better lover for you?

Listen, this might be your time to talk to him as well, but if you ask him these questions and he doesn't bring up penis size, which listen, maybe he will, maybe if you open up and say, listen, I know my penis is really small, that could happen. But you have to create, if this is someone you're going to be with and you are with, it's important just to create an atmosphere where anything goes and sometimes these first conversations about sex don't necessarily have to be with an agenda, just like, are we cool? Do we both want to be in a relationship where we talk about sex?

No? He might ever get up to his shame around or maybe he doesn't have a problem with it. Although if it really is a micro penis, he might be conscious of it, but let me remind you, the average erect penis in the United States is five and a quarter inches, which is not what you've seen in porn.

And again, if he's pleasing you in all the other ways, maybe it's okay. I'm not gonna tell anyone to break up with someone over their penis size, and it sounds like you really do love them in all the other areas. And again, there are people like, I love the feeling of being filled up.

I just missed that. I want a penis inside of me. It's really hot. I don't care if it makes me orgasm. And that's also valid, right? It's just like, there are people who prefer being with someone with large breasts, right? And then if you're with someone with small breasts, it's not going to do for you. You like a certain kind of ass.

So you lurk a certain height, right? We all have our preferences. And none of those are invalid. In fact, we all get to be attracted to what we're attracted to. But let's say you do the conversation. You do say, you know what? I am insecure. I penis.

And I want you to tell me about it. Well, there is something that just come to light for me. I just learned about the penuma implant. I didn't really know that there was a way for penis owners to get surgically implanted to enhance the girth and expand the flaccidated of their penis. But penuma is a real thing. I talked to our resident penis doctor, Cartman Abide, on a show a few weeks ago. It's FDA-clear. There's a short outpatient procedure, little to no visible scarring upon healing. It's been around for over 20 years. And he can help partners with self confidence and self esteem.

So if he is concerned about you, you can check more pnuma.com slash podcasts. We'll also put in our show notes. But listen, if he doesn't bring it up, I would not assume he was being deceitful or really that his penis size is any reason to break up. Listen, if he doesn't bring it up, I would not assume he was being deceitful. Or really, that his penis size is any reason to break up. Now listen, if he wasn't pleasing in other ways, he didn't want to talk about your pleasure. He didn't have a growth mindset around sex. He was being adjurek to you. That would be another conversation. But it does seem to me like he's being a great lover and a part of all of their ways. So I would just try to have a healthy conversation with him. Because listen,

he might have things he wants to talk to you about as well. What I found and what I highly recommend to you and to everybody is to have these difficult conversations with your partner. It could be about them not taking out the trash or their penis size, but all the things that you are avoiding talking about is keeping your relationship in the darkness and in a place of untruth. We are literally in a relationship because you were holding back on something that I promised you.

Once you shed light on these things that leave you in the dark, give so much more clarity and hope to a relationship and it brings you closer and enhances intimacy. So I encourage you to have whatever hard conversation you're not having to have it today because you really never know where it's going to go and what you're going to learn for your partner. And I found these conversations always lead to greater intimacy, more knowledge, and hopefully a stronger commitment and relationship. Thanks for your email, Jordan.

Let us know how it goes. Let's talk to Pat 61 in Idaho. Hi Pat, thanks for calling. I'm 61. My spouse is 63 and I'm just finding that he watched the same old position and he kind of almost feels like he's being lazy and bad and I'm doing more of the work. Okay.

And I want him to be a little more adventurous. Of course. And try different positions, you know, different places in the house, the kitchen counter. Yeah. I remember the kitchen counter. Yes, Jim. Yep. Yep.

Yeah. You know, but I can't get him to step outside that box to do it. Okay. Get him great question Pat. There's such a good question. How do you do it? Because you said it and you're like, I told you kitchen counter You walk past it every day. Why aren't you throwing me on the goddamn kitchen counter? But the deal is Pat is that we all get stuck in our ways, right? We get set in our ways This is how we have sex. This is how we do it. So when the urge comes, he's just like, here's my same old, same old. So what I recommend Pat is for most couples, it's like you gotta work on it together.

So an example would be, you know, you know how I told you some different positions that this is what I had in mind when you're not having sex. Like when you're hanging out, watching Netflix, going on a walk, and just saying like, I know I've talked about it before but this is what I think would be sexy would be hot and give him instructions

like point it out specifics and maybe you even have to show him and I know that's annoying but it's really hard to break out of our patterns and to learn new skills and essentially a new position as a new skill at this point if you've been doing the same positions for years. Well, and I feel like I'm in the prime of my six and he's falling down. Pat, you're amazing. Yeah, exactly. I feel like the 60s is this is what I've heard. Amazing. So is his desire down? How is his erections how is he down i'm i pretty well have to uh... get him hard he doesn't normally get hurt on his own okay that happens so i think there might be a little ed going in there that he doesn't want to admit

yet i mean sixty one i would make sense is there sixty is easy healthy though otherwise does he like he'd healthy? Does exercise okay? I would get him checked out by... Now he doesn't eat healthy. He doesn't eat healthy. Okay, I would get his hormones checked. A TV dinner guy, but I'm going to change that in about a week.

Yeah, please do pack. Because I've got to tell you that definitely with age, there could be a challenge with our erections, with our sex drive, with our hormones. However, eating healthy and exercising, it's all about blood flow. The blood is not flowing. There was penis well enough for him to have an erection as strong. So he's got to start moving his body, eating healthy and getting checked by his doctor because here's a thing, Pat, it's not just that he can't get it up to your sexual relationship together. So he has

to hold up his part of the bargain. Pun intended, I suppose, but you know what I mean? So he's got to do it. And I think also getting curious and showing him some positions that you like or doing some research and just saying this is what I meant to, but getting him back on board with it, but you got it, you know, doing it together. Exactly. I didn't want to run him off. Right. Right.

Exactly. No, but what I mean is like, no, but what I mean is some people are like, I told my partner to initiate. I told him to throw me up on the counter and he never does what happened. And typically it's because they're like, I didn't think about it. I didn't know how to throw you on the counter. I didn't have an erection. So I don't know. You know what I'm saying?

Like, there's just a little bit more to it. But once he gets the new habit going, you'll be all over the counter. The kitchen table. Who knows? In the car, all right Pat? I'll be ready for that. Okay Pat, I'm here for you, call me, let me now goes. Let's talk to Will 36 in California. Hi Will.

Hi Emily. Hey, what's going on? Well, I've been in a relationship for about six months now and my feelings have gotten stronger for this woman. We tell each other that we like each other a lot, but I have a feeling that my feelings are growing into love, but I'm not exactly sure when it would be too soon or too late to let her know that.

And normally I would say that that's the conversation I would have to have with her, but you know, once you go at that kind of bag, it's kind of hard to take it back if she's not feeling the same way. And that's what's got me kind of nervous. How long have you been dating? You said six months. Six months. Hmm.

Six months. Okay. You're committed. Yeah. Some committed in loyal to her, yeah. I don't mean, but you guys are mutually committed. Like it's a, and if you talked about, are you both 36? She is 35.

So right around the same age. You two have appeared that she might say, thank you, that feels so good. She might not be there yet. She might not love you yet. But she might really, really like you. I think we all like to hear it and it feels good. But if she's dating you and you've been committed for six months, that I don't

know, you're in your 30s, like I can't imagine she'd be like, oh, now I'm out because you love me. Like this is, this isn't love. I just want to stay in like for the rest of, you know, for three years. I mean, I think all relationships have to grow. You know what I mean? Rations don't grow. Then, then they die. Like they're truly like, if you just keep liking, you know, so there has to be some movement in it. I mean, I've had that happen to me where I had someone say I love you and I didn't.

And I mean, I think eventually I did. I don't remember in this particular scenario what I know how I handled it was like, okay, I'm not there yet. And I think I just said, wow, thank you. That felt really good and then in previous relationships that i've had i've actually had stronger feelings for those women

and i have for this one and but it feels like more than like but i'm not sure if it's quite love yet oh that's not like i feel like maybe testing the water would be to to let her know and to see how she reacts but what would you say to that? Well, okay. So now this is interesting, well, so I feel like you're saying that you know that you've

been in love before and you love, you were certain. But now you're not so certain. So it sounds like you're just trying to understand if you're both on the same page. But I don't think that by saying I love you, it was gonna get you the confirmation and the security and the information that you need right now. So I wouldn't say it until you're certain that you say it. You know, I feel like, that you're using her, yeah,

you want to feel safe. So like you're using her as like a sounding board for your own, I hope, if I say I love you, then I want to find out where we're at. But maybe a different approach would be to say hey it's been six months so how you feeling about our relationship? I'm having such a good time and I love the time we're spending together. I really feel so close to you you know how are you feeling? And she might say you know I think that we need to do this more often than not in relationships. I think we need to do it way sooner than we do.

We're like, oh, I want to be, I don't want to rock the boat or I want to be, I want to be the cool girl. I don't want to talk about feelings so much healthier to say, like, well, let's check in. I mean, six months is a significant amount of time to be with someone. So you deserve to know where you both stand. And it sounds like perhaps you're actually having some doubt about it because you just said that you have felt more intensely for other people.

I just know that I'm more than like her. I'm just not sure if I'm at that love point yet. And I'm kind of nervous that she might be at that same point. And I don't think it'll exactly ruin the relationship. I think it is probably better to just put it out there and make sure that we know what we're feeling and then figure out what kind of label to put to it. Absolutely.

You don't have to say anything I think just you have to open up a conversation because it sounds to me that that's what you really want to do right now. You just want to have an open conversation about where you guys stand. Check in, she probably wants to as well. I guarantee you she wants to know as

well. She wants to figure this out. But you're saying that you think that she has more feelings than you do? You think? I think so, yes. She had some pretty bad relationships before me, some pretty long-term ones, and she says that it's the best relationship she's ever been in. So I feel like she's kind of hinting towards the love word, but I've been in different relationships where I thought it was the one, and then it ended, and I was like, okay, well, now that's the bummer, I've lost the love that I had, and now I have to go find that with someone

else. And I'm just trying to make sure that I'm on the time frame and I'm not trying to rush things too quickly. Yeah, it sounds like you guys have a lot to talk about. I would say everything you just told me. I would be really honest about it. This is the thing we think we can't sit, you know, often where we have progress in relationships and where we move the needles and we say the things that we think we can't say. And you know enough about each other's history, and you can kind of clear it out.

Have it. You've nothing to lose here, everything to gain, to get clarity. Because you're making assumptions now that she, she's been all these bad relationships, and she says things like, oh, I haven't felt this way before, and then you're like, oh, wow, that either makes me feel really good or really scared. So it sounds like you have some I even felt this way before. And then you're like, oh, wow, that either makes me feel really good or really scared.

So it sounds like you have some stuff to work out as well. And in these times, when you have to be super vulnerable with somebody, that's where the magic happens. That's where you really get into like, you maybe you'll have this conversation and it'll surprise you. Like, oh, wow, we both feel the same or I feel so much closer to her now because we were able to have a really hard conversation, you know, about true feelings without playing games and without going around and around circles. You're right because if we don't feel the same way then we're

kind of wasting time in this relationship or we can catch up to where each other are at. And really nothing to lose. Nothing to lose here. That advice Emily. I appreciate it. So welcome. So welcome. Well, let me know how it goes. I'm here to help. All right. I will. Okay. Bye. Well, keep me posted. Thank you. Aw, sweet. So hard to know. So scary to put ourselves out there in love and relationships. We're all so afraid of being hurt. And I think, you know, he says, you know,

he's dating this woman who's been hurt. We've all, I think by time you're in your 30s, you've been hurt or you've had relationships not go your way. Someone didn't return the feelings that you had for them or you had to let someone down that you don't feel the same way they do. And then you just learn. I hope that you learn that it's like there's, that life is very short.

Life is definitely too short to spend time in relationships where you're not getting your needs met and you're not both out in the same page. So how great to have it. As soon as you think you should have the conversation, you should have it. Because then, well, it might suck if somebody doesn't feel the same way you do. They're setting you free. So you can actually find what you do want. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday.

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