Sex With Emily - How Do We Make Time for Sex in these Difficult Times?

Episode Date: June 11, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is joined by astrologer, emotional education trainer and the author of “Use your Planets Wisely”, Dr. Jennifer Freed. They talk about trauma now and in our past, activism, and communicating lovingly in these difficult times.They also discuss how powerful sex can be as a stress reducer and as one of the best self-soothing tools you can use right now. Plus great advice for how to refocus on sex: turn off the news and get into bed!For more information about Jen Freed, visit:For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So first I want to welcome everyone back. I missed you. We took little break last week. I was already scheduled to take a break. It's really important for us here. It's actually the Emily to talk about what has been happening all over the world. And to be honest, I've been thinking about it a lot this week

because I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. I have a lot of fear about that anyway, and especially now, because I care so much about what everyone thinks about me, and maybe I don't think I often let on to that, but I spend a lot of time thinking, you know, how are you guys going to take the show, are you happy with the show, am I serving you, and I really don't want to, you know, misstep here. But I also know that silence is toxic, just like in relationships and in sex, as you know,

when you don't communicate, when you're not honest with your partner, when you don't talk about the things that you think you cannot say, people get the wrong idea, and then this silence actually becomes poisonous. And so a lot of you call in about that every single night. You call in and you ask me questions, you know, I've been feeling the sway of my partner for the last few weeks or few years and how do I have these difficult

conversations? And so I am in the business of talking about difficult conversations like talking about sex for the last 15 years. I know it's not easy, but also talking about race isn't easy, but it is important. And talking about it here and also talking about it at home and with the people that you care about is something that needs to happen now. And supporting Black voices and creating a platform really inclusive of people of color in this space is really important to me. And I'll continue to make my platform a safe space to talk about sex and relationships

and love and all the things that you know about the show. But I really want to do my part and I want to do better. You know, I always want to do better and make room for even a more diverse community of educators. I'm just here to listen to your voices as my listeners, people who've been supporting the show. And so if you're like me, these conversations are uncomfortable and they can be scary.

Let's be honest. But I feel like I am in the business of scary, difficult conversations. So, you know, even though this one might be newer for me, new for some of you, let's do it together. You know, let's do this together. Some practice, I think we're all going to come out better on the other side. eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that block our sacred institutions. Bitrimize. They call them in a fight on me. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man, he here, he just got his heart broken. My guest, I'm excited to welcome what a beautiful evening to have her here. Psychological astrologer and bestselling author of, Use Your Planets

Wisely. If you've ever been interested in astrology, it is the one book that literally the best way to do it. It's a great way to do it. It's a great way to do it. It's a great way to do it. It's a great way to do it. It's a great way to do it. It's a great way to do it. It's a great way to do it. It's a great way to do it. It's a great way to do it. It's a great way to do it. It's a great way to do it.

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It's a great way to do it. It's a great way to do it. It's a great way to do it. It's a great way to do it. It's a great way to do it. It's a great way to do it. It's a great way to do it. It's a great way to do it. It's a real privilege to be here when you're coming back after this week that you've been off and all Heck has broken loose in the country and also in our neighborhoods. Yeah, exactly Well, I'm glad I was thinking I because we always have you scheduling coming on every month to talk about what people You know how we can use our planets wisely each month, but right now we mean let's be how are you doing?

How have you been doing? It's like whenever somebody asks me But right now, we mean, let's mean, how are you doing? How have you been doing? It's like, whenever somebody asks me that right now, I say, depends on the moment. I'm outraged, I'm suffering, I'm in shame sometimes, sometimes I'm thrilled, I'm enthusiastic, I'm optimistic. You know, if you're not having a gamut of feelings right now, you are numb because there is so much coming at us 24, 7 and no matter who you are, what situation trauma is being revealed. Trauma everywhere. Trauma is a big thing that we, I feel like trauma is having a moment the last few years. Like I actually until I did some of my own deep diving, right? It's trauma time. But I used to think trauma was just safe for like war vets,

right? PTSD was just for people who are like one time trauma. But you realize that a lot of us, you know, have these like micro traumas throughout our lifetime. And especially now, you have COVID, you have quarantine. All of our freedoms are taken away. We're no longer able to go about our lives

in the day-to-day way that we want to and that we've been able to. And then now we've got everything that's happening with Black Lives Matter and people realizing that there's even more, just there's more to deal with right now. There's more things that we're looking at ourselves and shame and how we can do better

and that's traumatic as well. There's relationships that are being divided. Maybe we don't agree with our partners on certain topics right now. Maybe we're actually realizing that we're not in the same page of the issues that are happening right now. We're realizing that maybe we are, we wanna be allies and our partner doesn't.

And so there's just been a lot coming up. So I am, yeah, trauma. How do we, I mean, and there's so much, I mean, for me what's helped is actually being in therapy and doing EMDR therapy and just realizing that there are ways that I've had trauma, but how do we even, because for me that's been a big point

for me just understanding it, what do you think, Jen, how do you think about how we could deal with this? Because we are sort of having, we're all actually level the playing field, we're all sort of having trauma right now, if you're not, I don't know where we are. Well, I think the most important thing

that I've been noticing is one, we have to validate generations of trauma that have happened to black people that have feared for their lives in many situations, that is now being brought to the surface for everyone to view live, and that's an incredibly important surface scene of collective trauma. And then each of us have our own traumas because we now learn that epigenetics, which is the study of genetics, that traumas go through 12 to 14 generations.

So you look at anyone in your audience today, every single one of us has an ancestry of trauma if not in this generation. And then this entire collective volcano, if you will, is very exciting because it's all bubbling up and it's no longer hidden, but in that people are very reactive. And one of the things I think is most important right now is listening is learning. Everybody's got an opinion, but you do not change

somebody's mind with your opinion. Deep radical truth telling requires open ears and an open heart. And so with all of this discourse, the yelling at each other is one way of release and it's catharsis, but there's another which is what haven't we paid attention to? What have we missed inside our own lives with our sisters and brothers, with our partners? And how can we move this from a war zone to a love zone? Real activism is about love. It's not about being against something.

That's powerful, John. It is, it is about love. So what if we don't have a lot of practice? It mean a lot of us just, we don't, we don't, I think the why we don't listen, what we think listening should be sort of something that's intuitive because we are shut down or we're blocked or we've walls up.

What would you recommend for people who, maybe they're recognizing themselves in this? Like, yeah, I guess I haven't been listening. I've just been doing a lot of yelling. What's that transition look like? What's your best tools to realizing that maybe I haven't been listening? Well, from me.

Well, from me. You know, I'm a very passionate fiery person astrologically. I have a lot of fires. So I notice if I'm not listening, it's because I'm defending. When you've got to really ask yourself, what am I defending? You know, who do I think I am that I need to defend this position or this gender or this whatever? If I can just take the moment to realize I'm defensive, then I can softly, gently move the armor to the side a bit and get curious.

But first you have to realize I'm defensive because that is a block too intimacy. So true, and that's why we hear from so many couples who call in and say, my partner won't listen. We've been having this conversation for years. I've told them for years I say that I need you to initiate sex or I need us to be more intimate or I want to try something different or I want you to come visit my family or whatever it is. How do we, like, that's so interesting because I feel like people who are defensive don't know they're defensive. So what is that moment that people, does it have to get to a crisis like this?

Like what have you found with couples too or just in any relationship? How do you get people to not just, because that drives me crazy, passive aggressive, defensiveness, it's just, I need to leave the room. It's all about internalized shame, because if I wasn't ashamed, I wouldn't need to be defensive, because shame, remember, translates to, I am bad, not that I've done something bad,

but there's something inherently damaged and bad about me. And if deep down I feel that in this topic, I'm not gonna be open to you, I'm just gonna be making sure no one hurts me anymore, and I don't hurt myself, so I've closed off. To me, the way you undo shame is first, you have to build rapport. And rapport building is starting with the easier stuff

and getting some agreement agreement or at least, acknowledging the other person's point of view and acknowledging their value to you. So for example, if you and I Emily were having a disagreement, which as friends we haven't had yet, but I'm sure we will, the first thing I'm going to tell you is our friendship has become deeply important to me. I think you're one of the brightest, most authentic, unpretentious people I've met that it's a leader. And so when I'm going to talk to you about this, I want you to know I'm fighting for our

friendship. Like, start with a actual entree that's about the connection. Why bother having a difficult conversation if I don't feel or you don't feel like it, you matter to me. That's so beautiful. First of all, thank you my heart. I just thank you, Jen. I feel like we can now get into an argument perhaps because I feel I feel deeply loved and I feel safe. So I think what we're saying is you have to make your partner feel safe. Before you go in like we're okay. We're gonna be okay. Here's the things that I love about us. And here's how we're connected. And this is something that you did,

and this is how it made me feel. This I've been feeling lately when you didn't call, when I don't feel heard. I think that's true, because most of it just go right into the fight. And no one's gonna hear it. Like nobody hears you when you're fighting because talk about trauma, we go into fight or flight,

we go into our defense mechanisms, we go into our defense mechanisms, we go into shame, which also is kind of selfish in a way or sort of a self-preservation mode is to be like, oh, well, that I'm bad, I'm a bad person, you think I'm bad, everyone thinks I'm bad, and we can't listen. So really this, I think that's such a great tip because I think we can't hear enough advice right now

about how to communicate better. So I think just saying, listen, I love you, I'm at where I can have this conversation because I care and these are giving people specific, especially people who are love languages or words of affirmation. So I love that. And then going from there, springing that from there.

I think that's very well. I think one of the biggest blocks to having difficult conversations is assumptions and pity parties. So you cover this, I'm sure. But when I assume something about you, it makes an ass out of you and me, because I'm not seeing you. And the pity party is a great, I think,

decoy from the real issue. So if I'm feeling totally horrible about myself, I can't hear one more thing, I believe, just horrible. Then the drama's all self-consuming. So we've got to eliminate the pity party from the conversation. The conversation is two people that have extraordinary investments in the relationship that want to be heard

and want to connect. And what is more precious than that? Why is that so hard, Jen? Why is it so hard? Why don't we teach this stuff? I mean, I think couples would be so well suited or everybody to learn this in schools. How we actually listen.

I always think that I was a great listener but I just turned out as a great talker. Like, I'm like, I'm glistening all the time. Oh no, wait, you're talking. So that's something you have to learn. All of these are learned skills. This has been my life's work and my partner will tell you, I still suck at it sometimes. It's a practice.

It's not something you complete. And anyone that thinks, I love it when people say, I'm a great communicator. I inside myself say, probably, yeah, you know, if you think you're so good at it, you probably haven't heard enough feedback. You know, we all have a lot of growing room and I'm constantly wanting people to let me know where I've screwed up, where I've made mistakes. So for example, in this particular time that we're in, there's so much political correctness going around. I feel like if I'm not wearing the corset of political correctness, I'm an asshole.

I actually feel that. And I was talking to some colleagues about this subject and I said how safe do you feel on a scale of one to ten to openly talk about race right now? Just whatever you'd want to say about it. And not there wasn't high points. So partly what we've all got to realize is we have to shut up and listen, but we also have to make room for people to make missteps, not say the right thing, but trust that they might want to be learning from you instead of being shamed by you. Right.

Yeah, this is a, absolutely, Jen, absolutely. It's such a process because it's new for all of it. I mean, for many of us, it's not talking about these things, but then there's the fear of doing it wrong or we're perfectionist and we're afraid that we're going to set someone so we don't say anything at all and then we shut down. So there is a process of listening, asking questions and then be willing to take the feedback. But I think anger is so scary. We're so afraid of, you know, doing it wrong. But then, but then that's also toxic, like, to be silent. So it's a risk and hopefully people can just be a little bit more open now. This will open everyone's hearts. I believe if we just learn how to actually listen and communicate,

especially if someone's bringing it up and you don't feel great about it or you think they're mistepping, there's a way to lovingly guide someone rather than anger because anger scares me. That's why I think I just are hard time with I don't want to upset anybody and the pleaser. That's why I think I did a hard time with I don't want to upset anybody and the pleaser Yeah, well, I think again what I've been learning and listening to a lot is As women and I'll speak for myself. I come from generations of women who've been traumatized with violence and anger and sexual assault So I think it's not that weird that as women we're frightened of anger because historically that has meant Something other than just raised voices to many of us

So I think we also want to realize that conversation sometimes don't have equal footing in terms of Who feels empowered to speak with big strong voices and who is still in fear of speaking like that because of retribution or consequence. So I don't think it's the same as you feel scared, Emily. Yeah, it's true. Yeah, it makes no exactly. I get scared by it.

I don't want anyone to be mad, but as a result of me being protective for so many years, I'm probably not going as deep or having, you know, as many real connections with people, maybe in the past that I could have with fear of upsetting people. So, being learning how to have constructive conversations allows you to, you know, with people that you feel safe with, if there's anger, you realize that you can get through it rather than just stopping it all together, which is what I think I did for a long time. And I'll just one other hint for myself in this period.

I have had to shore myself up with conversations, with people I feel very supported by, and very understood by before I go out and I talk more publicly. Because if I'm gonna take heat, because I'm saying things that aren't perfect, I got to know who's in my bunker, who's got my back, who knows me, and who isn't going to make a narrative about me that's just simply not true.

You've got to know that your listeners remember who you are. You're not a side taker. You're not somebody that's trying to be, you know, the most politically woke woman on air. You've got a fricking sex show. You've been here all along trying to do something for everyone, which is how to bring freedom and joy to their sex lives. And frankly, that's liberation for everybody.

That's true. Talking to Dr. Jennifer Fried, she's the author of User Planets. Why is she a psychological astrologer? Jen, what can we do if there's been strife at home and we haven't been able to? We haven't been in the mood. We haven't been connecting. I think we forget like you're just saying that what I am doing here at Sex with Emily for 15 years

is having difficult conversations with people, things they've never talked about for many sexes to have boo, they never talked to their partners about it, and they realize the freedom that comes from that. But even if I'm in relationships, it's not always easy, but we have to have the conversations, but now with having that's been happening, people sometimes forget, like, oh yeah, I forgot how great it feels to touch my partner and to cuddle and to

have sex because we forget sometimes you got to keep reminding ourselves over and over and over again that that actually heals us. So what are some good bridges we're now for people? Yes. You know, I've been thinking a lot about this because sex, as you know, is one of the best destressors we have available. It shoots off the positive hormones, whether you're touching yourself or with your partner or a lover, or even in text sex or phone sex, it releases the positive hormones. So it's actually kind of

one of the best go-to things when we're being constantly bombarded with stress is to prioritize sexuality. And yet you're right. When you're in trauma, you don't often remember what's good for you because you're in a spiral of kind of withdraw and self-contempt and fear. And those are not the natural places to feel sexy in. Let alone the zoom where or the houseware. You know, it's not like we're all dressing up and looking fabulous.

So there's a lot to overcome to get to the sex. However, this is a sex show, and I would say people get your sex on because if you're gonna get better and better through these crises, you wanna remember that sex is one of the best self-sothing, caring things you can do for yourself right now. And so, it's sitting down with your partner or talking to your lover, or even with yourself and saying, and make that a high priority to self-love and really remember I'm human and no matter what's going on, I have myself and my body and my juicy beautiful orgasmic or non-ergasmic self. Wow, that's a win! We've resisted the oppression just to claim our sex back. Right, we've always got that. That is so

true. And even I, I mean, I had to make it easy for myself like my toys are out. I put one in the shower. Like it is a part of my routine because it, it does. It's a reset. It really is. It's like a, you know, it's releasing the feel good hormones that actually change your state rather than other things that you think are changing your state, like, you know, alcohol or drugs or food or shopping or all the other things that we do to numb ourselves. Of course, in small doses, I'm cool with all those things. But if we're just kind of doing all those other things and we're not actually doing things that are healthy for us, which is sex, orgasm, connection.

Yeah, and one of the biggest dangers right now, because remember, we're the first generation to go through something of this magnitude on 24-7 news cycles. We are never not being told something awful 24-7. So one of the biggest seductions right now is to look at screens and get really hooked into all of that sensationalism instead of our own senses and our own sensationalism. We're still these vibrant natural, gorgeous human beings that can be self-pleasuring and other pleasuring. It's like, let's not forget that and give it to the nightly news. Forget it. Turn off the news. Get internet. Turn off the news. Like what? Yeah. Yeah. Don't bring it into the bedroom. I always say no screens.

I think the bedroom should be for sleeping and for sex. And don't get consumed with the news because that's not going anywhere and their job is to keep us riled up as and to keep us connected. Yeah, and keep the heart rate really going too fast. The other thing I want to mention because it's a lot of my clients have children at home for the first time all the time. And so their sex life and love life, they're like, what sex life? What love life? I'm with children all the time. And I think it's really important for parents to realize that children love a shut door when they know their parents are getting it on. Or at least loving each other. That's a great signal. They don't have to know what you're doing, but they need to know we actually need our private time.

And they see whoever is in that bedroom coming out a little bit happier, really good intel for kids. Okay, Jen, I totally agree with you and I have a lot of friends like, oh, you know, my daughter is uncomfortable when she sees us kiss and people are still keeping this hidden from their kids and then their kids are going to wake up, grow up and then they're going to feel awkward and weird about sex. So I'm totally in that camp that lets your kids know that mommy and daddy are the two of us or whatever it is, your parents, it's really important for us to connect and to have our

alone time. But it's so an affection and intimacy. It's all important. I wish that we could model that. I love that you say that because, yeah, the kids have been home for three months with the parents, how you need to make that time. Yeah, and especially a lot of adult children

have moved back home and they regress in a certain way. And they think, oh, the parents just want us around all the time. It's like, wait a second, they have their own relationship. It's not just about parenting, but it takes a lot of assertion to say to whoever is in your house, even if it's roommates or whatever. Actually, we do need this private time and thank you for supporting us in it. Yeah. Thank you.

I love the way you were free, but Jen, with love and presence and consciousness. Thank you for supporting us in it. Yeah. Thank you. I love the way you were free, but Jen, with love and presence and consciousness. I love having you on the show, Dr. Jen, for freed. Is there anything else we need to know about what's happening right now in the planets, the stars, anything? Did we see this happen? Yes. Well, yes.

I do want to say that there's Mars and Jupiter in, Mars and Neptune in Gemini, squaring Sun, no, hold on, I got that all wrong. Sun Venus in Gemini, Mars, Neptune and Pisces. So I want to break that down a little bit for your listeners. This is the combination of lots to talk about, not always clear where we're going. Lots to talk about, not always clear where we're going. There's an enormous potential for weaving a new dream together in which everyone's voices included and an enormous potential for going unconscious, losing momentum, and being very boundary-less in a very core way.

So one of the things I want to say to your listeners and something I'm looking at, no matter where you're at with protests and stores opening, etc., we're still in a major pandemic. There's no good news on that. It's not like, oh, it's all over. And boundaries are really important. Now, one of the things I was thinking today, what if it turns out that anger gives you immunity to the coronavirus? Because there's so much anger right now. I'm like, God, I hope those people don't get it at these protests. Wow, what if anger has its own amoeu, I'm just putting it out there in a crazy way,

but with the astrology right now, everything's up for grabs. There is no certainty. One of the hardest things for human beings to deal with is none of us, including me and I can tell you the trends for 2020, but we do not know what the future brings, because we're creating it. Each of us right now, with our intention, our consciousness, our hands, our hearts,

our social media, we're creating the future. All of us. And there is no what's gonna happen. We're doing it. What is gonna happen is what's happening and how are you participating? And moment by moment we get to decide and be conscious and have the presence Thank you, Dr. Jennifer Freed. I love when you're here. Thank you for visiting us You can find her on Instagram. It's at Dr. Jennifer Freed

Anything else I could find you or you I know you're swamped with people wanting to see you but if there's Are you seeing people just check me out at Jennifer Freed.com or Instagram and I said, delight to be with you Emily. I would follow you anywhere. And I think I would just like to really advocate for your listeners to be very interested in liberating their sexuality amidst one of the biggest crisis of our time because sex is good energy. It's good energy and we need to really promote that. Mm. Thank you.

Thank you, Dr. Jennifer Fried. It's good energy. You're good people. I love you. I cherish our friendship. Thank you for being here.